Pornhub 2024 Year in Review

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Hello and welcome to Citation Needed, the podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia or wherever we want, and pretend we're experts because this is the internet and that's how it works now.

I'm Noah.

I'm going to be getting you ready this week.

The fluffer comparison is unavoidable, I guess, given the topic.

But joining me to aid in that task are all the lubricant you're ever going to need.

Heath, Eli, Cecil, and and Tom.

Cocktua, let's do it.

You have my consent to jerk off to me.

Like, don't send me a video, but like, if you're ever worried that I'm sad about it, I'm not at all sad.

Do it.

Nope.

Every time.

Every time I try to get out, it literally slips right through their hands because so much lube just

can't even get me.

I'm really more of a marshmallow fluffer.

I don't know.

Oh, interesting.

Same.

Interesting.

It's so good.

And before we get started, we should probably address the rumors that Tom was kidnapped and held temporarily in an undisclosed volcano layer for his essay targeting billionaires last week.

That is false.

Nobody else in the room is making me say that.

And with that out of the way, tell us, Heath, what person plays think concept phenomenon or event will we be talking about today?

We're going to be talking about the latest trends in pornography, the art of online erotica from the Pornhub 2024 year in review.

All right.

So, what's the what's new in the world to dicks, I guess?

All right.

Here's the intro from Pornhub.

It's that time of year again, and it's juicier than...

I hear that's a disease.

Well done.

First, with a presidential election, the Olympics in Paris, sexually charged viral videos, a rare solar eclipse, and iconic video game releases.

It made for a year rich in surprises.

Okay, it it sounds like whoever was writing that was afraid they were gonna lose me towards the end.

They're like, but solar eclipse and video games, too.

It's exciting.

A lot of stuff going on, they continued.

Our statisticians have pulled the data from 2024 to bring you trends, top search terms, favorite categories, and much, much more to outline the porn viewing habits of people around the world.

You'll find how the gender gap influences interests, which states have a particular desire for certain categories, what video game characters people are fantasizing about most, and much, much more.

Pikachu.

This year, you're going to learn fucking Urdu.

This whole setup feels like one of those maybe we don't want to know this about our neighbors kind of moments.

All right, the review starts with trends that defined 2024.

Pornhump identified six major trends, so I'll give us a countdown.

At number six, we have the hawk to a girl.

That would be Haley Welch, who went viral after doing a man on the street interview for a YouTuber and answering the question, what's one move in bed that makes a man go crazy every time?

She responded, you got to give him that hawk to a and spit on that thing.

And given her expertise, She's also in the crypto space.

That's exciting with a hawk to a coin that went very, very badly and very illegally.

Thanks to her cultural influence, the search term spitting was up 28% from the year before.

Sloppy BJ was up 36%.

And spit on dick was up 233%.

Because there's nothing sexier than having your dick treated like a southern man is trying to fight it.

Am I right?

Yeah, and if you're not circumcised, it's more like a hockey fight.

You have to pull the jersey up over the head first.

You drop the gloves, too.

That's a problem.

Oh, yeah.

All right.

At number five, we have anime.

This one's been trending up four years in a row.

Tastemaker.

Instead of human beings on camera, I don't know this about you.

Lots of porn hub consumers are seeking out cartoons having sex instead.

The search term anime rose four spots to become number seven in the world.

And apparently, people were looking for anime porn with all different scenarios, as evidenced by the big increase in searches for Rule 34 Animated.

For anyone who's not familiar, Rule 34 says, if it exists, there's porn of it.

And it's a pretty solid rule.

I actually looked up tardigrade porn just for fun.

Tardigrade is the microscopic water bear that's nearly indestructible.

And I literally found videos of a tardigrade having sex with a paramecium for real.

That's better than the one where a bunch of them had sex with a cow.

The video was entitled Beef Tar Tard de Grade.

It was some tardigrade A stuff too.

Let me tell you.

I like that we Eiffel Towered that word.

Like I'm on the front, you're in the back.

It's amazing.

Exactly.

Yeah, that's great.

Thank you for both sides because it's the porn episode.

At number four,

we have the Olympic Games in Paris.

People were coming from all over the world and France moved up to the second highest traffic in the world for the year.

Pornhub saw big increases in searches for Sex Olympics, Nude Olympics, and Athlete.

Nothing about pole vault penis in the movie, but I'm sure it was up compared to Voom before.

It would have to be.

After French vaulter Anthony Amaratti failed to advance to the finals when he cleared the crossbar, but then knocked it over with his penis on the way down.

Disappointing finish, but he was offered

$250,000

by the porn site Cam Soda to create a webcam show.

Yeah, more like Noctua for that guy.

And until he's pole vaulting with the penis, I'll pass.

If he wants me, he knows how to get it.

So it looks like Mr.

Amarati did not take the offer, at least not yet.

But if he does, I'm hoping he calls the show Disappointing Finish or maybe Glory Paul.

Glory Paul, amazing.

Glory Paul's great.

All right, next up at number three, we have co-worker crushes.

With many people returning to the office after working from home during COVID, the world was getting back to having work crushes.

And that led to increased demand for co-worker porn and workplace orgy.

I think I'd rather watch the tardigrades fucking an anime panda than imagine a workplace orgy as a podcaster.

Okay, Tom, I genuinely don't know how to assess that statement.

I don't know what direction even to go with the rather than put your ideas together, Tom.

Eli already actually has a voice for sexy targeted.

It's from a different podcast, man.

Yeah, it was a DD character, too, right?

The fuck bear?

Yep, fuck bear has been there.

The ugaloth, yeah, okay.

At number two, saying is we're prepared

at number two, we have

the Jesus Christ Church of Latter-day Saints, the Mormons.

In particular, we saw a big uptrend for traditional wife or trad wife porn.

This appears to be the result of a show on Hulu that came out last year called The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives.

The show documents a group of Mormon mom influencers who found themselves embroiled in a big scandal that made international headlines about the swinger lifestyle.

And Pornhub saw big spikes in interest for wife, amateur wife, and trad wife, along with Mormon wife, Mormon sex, and Mormon missionary.

Those people also like their crackers dry, by the way.

Not clear if it's the church position or like the church position.

Either way, according to sex therapist, clinical psychologist, and director of Pornhub's sexual wellness center, Dr.

Lori Betito, it signifies putting back excitement and trying to keep the fantasy alive, even after putting a ring on it.

Ah, yes, because nothing says I'm hot for my wife than jerking off to someone else's wife.

Okay.

Fucking.

And that brings us to the number one trend.

You might be beaten off together.

Thank you.

Good point.

Good point.

All right.

That brings us to the number one trend on Pornhub that defined 2024.

demure desire.

And once again, it appears that a non-pornographic viral video contributed to a trend in porn.

The viral TikTok that's become a meme was made by Jules LeBron, who uses the phrase very demure, very mindful, while describing her chosen appearance.

Pornhub saw a big spike in searches for demure, mindful pleasure, and mindful J-O-I,

or mindful jerk-off instructions,

very zen.

Is there a way to stop those wind chimes in the soundtrack?

i'm trying to torture my balls here okay

oh man porn based on memes if it had come along just a little earlier we might have been treated to a my

you guys remember that one but but but now i kind of want to know what non-mindful joi is like right is that

just like a bored it guy reading off a list like appliance instructions are you want to touch the balls a little through your pants now

It's like the sound of one hand fapping.

All right.

Well, we might even have some good news about human beings.

Pornhub also noticed a bump in the interest for simple sex, authentic sex, respectful sex, and ethical porn.

Dr.

Betito explained the trend by saying, People may be pining for a simpler time, looking for things that are less complicated, and maybe seeking out more meaningful experiences.

And according to sexuality educator Dakota Rampin, who's also a contributor to the Pornhub Sexual Wellness Center, our need to witness comfort and chemistry while exploring the spiciest of desires is taking precedent, sick, it's precedence, over what we're used to seeing.

Like, I get it.

Ethical videos, that's a nice trend, but stay away from the farm-to-table porn.

That is not.

Stop telling me what you do.

Searching for authentic sex on Pornhub is like searching for meaningful conversation on Twitter.

If you think you found it there, you've never had it in real life.

You know what I'm saying?

Somehow this feels more rather than less bleak.

It's like, I'm so lonely.

Maybe it's what I've been jerking off to that's the problem.

Faceless, anonymous women doing clownish sex acts, but real, though.

Authentic, exactly.

And given the uptick in searches like ethical porn, it's no surprise that women were more involved in the data because they are much better people.

Women made up about 38% of the total traffic for the year, which represented proportional growth of about 7% from the year before, continuing a steady uptrend over the last decade.

In 2015, women only accounted for 24% of the world audience, but things are clearly changing.

In the Philippines and Argentina, for example, women were the majority of viewers for 2024 at 59% and 51%, respectively.

For comparison, that number is 29% in the United States.

Yeah, you want me to make it really sad all of a sudden?

The reason so many more people are Googling ethical porn is because otherwise you don't get that.

Right?

Like that's it because there's more women looking for it and they're like, oh, wow, I better specify that I want ethical stuff.

All right.

Well, that brings us.

It shouldn't even be a filter you need, right?

Right?

Safe food.

You know,

non-poison water.

No rules.

Check the box.

Well, that brings us to the bottom.

Unexploited phone construction.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Diamonds with no slavery.

Like, just do

the bad thing.

All right.

That brings us to the top searches of the the year in absolute terms.

Top five were Hentai, MILF, Pinay, which means Filipina, lesbian, and anal.

This was the first time since 2022 that lesbian got knocked out of the number one spot, and it got knocked out by cartoons.

Well, that tracks.

It's the only thing less realistic for straight men to want to fuck.

The top 30 also included anime,

big ass, ass, step, no, ooh, okay,

rock and whirl go around, stepmom, cream pie, threesome, massage, cosplay, trans, POV, J-O-I, Squirt, and Teacher.

And according to the commentary on that section from pornhub.com slash insights, viewers love a sexy, empowered, mature woman.

who isn't afraid to get what she wants, and the data proves that.

it?

I could maybe start a channel there and just do a baking channel with a head-mounted GoPro and call it POV Cream Pie.

I think that.

How liberal is that seasoning willing to get, since

I am?

Hey, who is the sexologist reframing an animated big-ass stepmom getting a cream pie in a threesome as some kind of moment of feminist empowerment?

Yes, thank you.

Rosie the Riveter watching this on her laptop.

Good for her

yeah

good for her to answer your question tom it's dr lauren patio maybe

i like that they have a department of insights either way that's like an interesting workplace and something that they seems like a really cool place to work yeah yeah and once a year we sort a spreadsheet that's what we do we sort a spreadsheet once a year i bet it's a sad place to work

all right we're gonna move on then we also got a section about which days of the year are the least popular for porn viewing.

Around the world, New Year's Eve usually sees the biggest drop compared to the average.

Traffic usually goes down between 40 and 60% from 6 p.m.

to midnight.

But in the U.S., it's only a drop of about 35%.

They also gave us a breakdown of some national holidays that lower traffic.

The biggest example was here in the U.S., where we take Thanksgiving very, very seriously and watch porn about 33% less that day.

Canadian Thanksgiving, actually, not so much.

They have a modest decline of about 14%.

All right.

Well, I am finally willing to admit that they have the better Thanksgiving than me, right?

Okay, but the New Year's Eve thing, I totally get because if there was the slightest risk that I was going to be coming at midnight when everyone else was like hugging their families and kissing their wives, I will become the happening levels of suicide.

Do you understand?

There is no open blade free from my touch.

Come on, if you time coming in the air tonight perfectly with that drop,

oh, so good.

You got it.

Other major porn timeouts include a big drop in Italy for the Assumption of Mary.

Nice in Polish.

Yeah, respectful, demure.

In Poland for Easter.

Holocaust Memorial Day.

In the UK and in Spain for Good Friday and in Germany for Wall Purgess Night.

And for the US, the other big porn holiday besides Thanksgiving is Memorial Day.

That seems disrespectful.

Right?

Right?

I feel like it's more respectful.

Yeah, exactly.

But here's the thing.

Nothing about 9-11 in that review in the section about the holidays.

Like I tried to find the stats for that, and they very clearly don't want to fucking tell us.

When I googled it, all I found was a reminder that back in 2017, Ted Cruz liked a porn clip on Twitter on literally 9-11.

And I also found a new fun fact for me.

Right after the actual 9-11 in 2001, the football field at the LA Coliseum was used as a porn set.

On September 16th, they filmed a 40-minute orgy on that football field.

Lots of people felt like five days was too soon.

Yeah, especially that guy who finished in the first minute, right?

Do you think when those people were taking off their clothes and getting their dicks hard, they were like, so did you know anybody?

No, I'm so glad.

You see that one person who like jumped out?

That was crazy, right?

Oh, so sad.

So crazy.

I thought they'd canceled this, but I guess they put out a pretty big deposit.

Hey, nobody fucked my ass today, okay?

True.

Out of respect.

Out of respect.

Hey, question: How hot does jet fuel burn?

I'm just curious.

Not this, Crystal.

Okay,

it's hard enough to stay hard in you as it is.

Now I'm going to be thinking about that stupid fucking question.

I got to go inject myself with the thing in my dick.

One other detail from the review that I was not expecting.

In terms of devices being used to access Pornhub, by far, the most popular was the phone.

Huh?

Sure.

Tablets made up 1.6%, laptops and desktops together made up 7.9%,

and phones were 90.5%

of the overall traffic.

That was baffling to me.

What?

Who doesn't use your bigger screen?

Looks like we need to explain to Heath that married people don't generally carry their laptops into the bathroom.

So while we do that, we'll pass you off to a little apropos of nothing.

She's doing some editing in here.

Very busy today.

You're so light.

It's like two pounds.

Oh, shit.

It hooks up to the Bluetooth speaker.

Fuck.

Oh, God.

Am I Chromecasting this?

Oh, God.

I'm Chromecasting this.

All right, I call together this meeting of anti-porn lawmakers.

As you all know, we've had great success passing several ID verification laws this year in multiple states.

And so I am pleased to present to you the under 18 that we deterred from looking at pornography.

Jeff, come on in here.

Hi, everybody.

I'm sorry, we we only deterred the the kid?

Yep, just the one.

That's Jeff.

Hi.

Hi.

How?

Oh, great question.

Well, I'm a big porn hub fan.

So when I turned on my computer for my usual sesh and I saw that I needed to verify my age now to get in, and I was like, well, okay.

Well, no porn for me today.

Sorry, I still don't understand.

Why did this only work on one kid?

Oh, well, the other kids just, um,

they just went to a different website.

Hold on now.

There's different porn websites.

Oh, yeah, a bunch of them.

Well, damn it.

Yeah, and not me, though.

I'm a porn hub loyalist.

So, so, yeah, I was not going back until I turned 18.

Oh, you

already turned 18.

Yeah.

Yeah, this morning.

I actually turned 18.

Happy birthday.

Thanks.

So

that's going to be it.

Can I actually use your guys's bathroom before I go?

Are you going to masturbate in there?

Yup.

Well then, no.

I mean, no.

What else do you see?

AI-only fans, Heath.

AI-only fans, as far as the eye can see.

Ooh, good to know.

Hmm.

Hey, guys, what you doing?

Why is Tom wearing wearing that robe?

He's doing more technology prophecies.

Hmm.

Okay, please, Noah, I prefer technomancy.

Thank you.

Technomancy?

That's right, Eli.

As each of my predictions of technology has come true, I've realized it's time to take this burden and give it as a gift to the people.

Okay, Tom, you've been right about a couple of things, technologically speaking, but you're not a technomancer.

Really, Eli?

I'm not.

Phone addiction, AI pornography, data brokers as far as the eye can see right Tom you did say all those things were gonna happen but now there's an answer to protect your data incogni what's incogni really Boston lady you're not even in the sketch I'm pregnant right now fine fine

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All right, I gotta go try out some half shirts.

Thanks, Noah!

Sure.

So, can we stop worshiping Tom now?

Oh, just one more technomancy?

Okay, you know, the robot dog?

Yeah,

yeah, one of them will kill someone this year.

Yeah, no, that seems like it might happen.

Technomancy.

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And we're back.

Don't finish yet.

Don't finish yet because the year is only half reviewed.

Heath, where are we going next?

Five.

Edging it.

All right.

Next up, we have a section called A Time for Reflection, where we learn about endurance.

And that number is down across the globe.

The average time per visit was nine minutes and 40 seconds, down by 29 seconds compared to the previous year.

That feels like an eternity, right?

That being said, we did get yet another confirmation of American exceptionalism with U.S.

viewers averaging 10 minutes and 37 seconds per visit for an increase of 46 seconds.

He's going to do a little

channel.

Little USA.

Scarlett.

Call us.

And a proud list.

Stand up.

Nice.

You do the waiting.

I'm waving.

I'm going to need a minute.

I'm going to need a minute.

I'm 48.

I'm waving with one hand.

Okay.

And by the way, we were number three in the world.

Only Mexico and the Netherlands ranked higher on the list.

Brazil, Peru, and Poland were the bottom three.

I feel like I might be inflating the numbers because mid-jerk, I have to pause to eat a half dozen donuts.

And I can't be the only American who does this, right?

Yeah.

To be fair, at this point, I stop in the middle of most activities to scream about the election.

So why wouldn't this be one of them?

I just play through.

I don't stop.

I also scream.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We also got a breakdown of endurance by age group.

Not surprisingly, based on my personal experience in some of the age groups, 18 to 24-year-olds were faster than average by 76 seconds.

Ages 35 to 54 were about 15 seconds slower than average.

And the over 65 crowd was running long by 83 seconds.

Yeah, but that last group are mostly trying to find the X button because the computer is broken.

With age comes eventually.

Yeah, yeah.

But I want to be clear that that would be based on a subset of people who sign into pornhub before beating off so that it knows their age.

There's no way you're returning normal numbers of time and endurance there.

You guys don't sign into porn.

You do sign into porn hub?

I was wondering this.

This is hard to know any of this.

Who signs into pornhub?

Sign a porn.

I'm not because someday

reviews, and I would imagine you have to sign in and

reviews, comments, great features.

I feel like you could just make up a fake email email and do that.

It's like your favorite form of media.

You don't engage with that.

You might also have data that can find just from accepting cookies, too.

There's possibilities.

It's got to be that.

It's got to be.

They call them.

Bookie cookie.

Yeah.

Pornhub has to eat it last.

All right.

And one more thing about endurance.

Here's what we learned about endurance by category.

The categories that were viewed the longest were massage, reality, and vintage.

People lasted about 7 minutes and 45 seconds in those.

And the shortest viewing was in the categories of vertical, cosplay, feet, and virtual reality.

Sessions for those were lasting about 4 minutes and 30 seconds.

All right, we also got a breakdown of the most popular days and times.

Generally, the AM hours are the slowest for traffic.

And then around 2 p.m., people start their standard afternoon sesh, and they go until about 6 p.m.

Then there's a reasonable break for dinner time.

Not one guy.

Just us as a whole.

But sometimes one guy.

No judgment.

And then we're, you know, we're back in full force for the most popular hours after dinner from 10 p.m.

to midnight.

That's the general trend.

But I saw two notable exceptions that happened during the weekend.

On Saturday and Sunday, the 2 a.m.

hour is extra popular compared to the weekdays.

And same for the stretch from 10 a.m.

until noon, especially on Sunday.

Yeah, scientists call this the post-club constellation.

Yeah, well, that's what they call the first one.

The other one they call brunch, but yeah.

Yeah, also apparently a brunch one.

Yeah.

All right.

Next up, we have the top relative categories by generation.

So boomers were most defined by searching for strap-on

more than all the other age groups by about 36%.

Hey, fellas, what if we were the ones getting fucked right now?

Can you imagine?

That is the question.

And it got answered for a bunch of boomers.

For Gen X, the top relative search was compilation.

Us and our mixtapes, right?

Yeah, right.

I kind of like this one.

I do like this.

Like as an elder millennial, I'm pretty close.

to Gen X.

This tracks for me.

Like I appreciate a compilation.

Do a little curation for me.

I enjoy that.

Commenting under the longer videos, T-L-D-J.

For Gen Y, it was FMM or female, male, male, outperforming the rest of the age groups on that search by 69%.

Nice.

Okay, we should check and make sure that's not a Roblox thing, though, because it might be a lot of fun.

I just aggressively don't want to know if that's a Roblox thing.

We should not check.

No, they're just masturbating into the thought of belonging to a relationship that could afford a house.

Tom isn't too busy shaming them.

All right.

And for Gen Z, we actually got the most pronounced generational tastes of all the generations.

They had eight different searches that were above 100% more popular among their cohort.

That includes music, cartoons,

VR, cosplay, gaming, hentai, and SFW.

What?

Safe for work.

Apparently, safe for work is a type of porn.

I'm

confused by that.

And at the top of the list for Gen Z was vertical video, which outperformed every other age group by 392%

with Gen Z.

That usually means amateur porn shot badly on your old like iPod Nano, I guess.

And it's very, very popular with Gen Z.

All right, that brings us to the most searched movies and movie characters.

Apparently, parody porn versions are extremely popular.

The number one search was Harley Quinn.

And near the top, we also had

Star Wars, Avatar, Wonder Woman, Deadpool, and Wolverine.

Appropriately, Deadpool was ahead by a bit over Wolverine.

And the top 25 also included Captain America, Magic Mike, Joker, Bat Girl, Captain Marvel, and John Wick.

Also, John John Wick.

Also, Hulk and Shrek.

Okay, question: Together or separate is yes.

I really thought after this November, I was uncomfortable knowing what I know about my fellow citizens.

This is not making any of that feel easy.

You've never searched for any of those?

None of those?

Certainly not music.

None of the

certainly not music, but all the other ones.

God, you can't do a PMV to the Eagles, and that's what comes with me.

Take it easy.

Take it easy.

Oh, she looks underage.

All right.

We also got a section for video games.

Yeah, this is mostly me.

Sorry.

Hey, us, baby.

Us.

The top five games were Fortnite, Genshin Impact, Pokemon, Overwatch, and Minecraft.

I don't like that.

Okay, Minecraft wasn't me, but I guess I get it.

I guess I get it.

Okay.

Also popular were The Legend of Zelda and Super Mario.

And for video game characters, there were, you know, plenty of the obvious ones like Chun Li from Street Fighter, our Croft from Tomb Raider.

But unexpectedly, the list also included Sonic the Hedgehog, also Mario, but no Luigi.

Well, people were wanking it to a different Luigi.

Sorry.

Heath, I'm not going to let your bigotry just fly by.

Why is Chun Lee obvious, but not Sonic?

Thank you.

Do you know what percentage of our patrons are furries?

Heath, they burned down Kara's whole city for Luigi.

The only thing that's surprising about that to me is that Knuckles didn't outdo Sonic now that Indrasalba is doing the voice, right?

Yeah.

All right, that's going to bring us to one of my favorite sections in the whole thing.

The top relative terms by U.S.

state.

These terms were searched the most often in one state when compared to all the others, often representing a defining characteristic of that state and its porn couture.

For example, California's top relative search was friend's mom.

For Oregon, it was furry.

And for Washington state, it was milking.

And moving east a bit in Utah, we had

nothing because Pornhub doesn't work today.

Same for Idaho, Montana, Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama, Kentucky, Indiana, Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina, and Florida.

Side note, that's because evangelical lawmakers introduced age verification laws, claiming they wanted to stop kids from looking at porn.

Fine, but the verification laws haven't solved the problem.

What they have done is send lots of traffic to darker corners of the internet, meaning like darker than pornhub.

Yup.

Okay, but Keith, age verification laws have done such an amazing job stopping underage drinking.

How were they to know?

More importantly, the verification policy leads to a big privacy issue.

Opponents of the laws have pointed out that device-level filtering is a much better solution, especially considering it doesn't lead to porn sites collecting large amounts of identifying documents about all their viewers that might be abused later.

One opponent also mentioned that I can't be fucking fumbling around with my ID at certain moments when my hands are sitting.

I feel like you need

biometric shaft prints are going to be in our future.

Tap here.

Doesn't take, you have to keep tapping it on brain, trying it from different angles, right?

Blow on it.

Let me take my mask off.

I could bro on it.

I wouldn't need the porn sites, man.

Also worth mentioning, by the way, those evangelical lawmakers are full of shit.

Again, the claim is they're trying to reduce porn access by kids.

But for many of these lawmakers, it's about banning porn like altogether.

That's literally a stated goal of Project 2025.

And Russell Vogt, one of the chief authors of Project 2025, was caught on hidden camera saying that age verification laws are the back door to a full ban on porn.

Phrasing, Russ.

Come on, man.

To be fair, though, no trouble figuring out his top service, right?

Yeah, right, right.

Yeah.

Fucking Republicans ruin everything, everything.

Speaking of which, one other side note, the Supreme Court heard arguments last month in Free Speech Coalition and Al v.

Paxton, in which ACLU advocates and people in the adult entertainment industry sued to strike down the Texas version of the verification laws on First Amendment grounds.

And Samuel Alito wanted to determine the academic merits of Pornhub during the oral arguments.

He wondered if the site is similar to Playboy and asked, Does Pornhub have essays there by the modern-day equivalent of Gore Vidal and Stephen Buckley Jr.?

Because apparently young Sammy was reading the articles and that was academic merit.

Yeah, yeah, it's a damning admission of how long it's been since his dick worked, though.

All right.

Getting back to the latest trends by state.

For Wyoming, the top relative search was homegrown.

For Colorado, it was foot job.

For Alaska, anal dildo, specifically not other types of dildo.

And for Hawaii, it was Oahu, just

one of their options.

I'm only looking to jerk locally.

It's that form to table stuff, I guess.

That's ethical.

And moving over to the middle of the country, where much like the terrain and the culture, it starts getting a little mundane.

For Iowa, the top relative term was work trip.

Yeah, my sexual fantasy is staying in a Marriott.

Just everyone in Iowa vigorously fantasizing about leaving for a few days.

I gotta come back.

I know.

And South Dakota had something similar going on.

People don't have time for like thinking up fancy, complicated sex words.

So the top relative search there was hot babes.

Shut up.

Shut up.

So sad.

Very similar in Pennsylvania as well, where it it was just literally naked women.

That's so amazing.

Tell me your senator is John Fetterman.

You're not telling me your senator is John Fetterman.

It's just like googling the word information and hoping for the best.

All right.

Moving over to Michigan, where the top relative search was

amateur.

wife.

So like no interest in the serious pros, but amateurs were very popular.

You know how like college basketball seems more gritty and effortful.

I guess it's like that.

For Illinois, it was ASMR role play.

Ooh, that's ASMR.

It's like the, it's the porn version of the relaxing, whispery noise thing, but specifically in this example, involving the ASM artist playing a role, like a doctor doing an exam or a barber giving a very attentive haircut.

I like the ASMR roleplay ones that are just hours of D20s rolling.

That's what I listen to.

Yeah.

The noise just goes right up your spine.

And here's some of the highlights from the East Coast.

For New Hampshire, it was Enema.

Shit.

Connecticut.

Kweef.

Hey, Connecticut.

You okay, buddy?

Are you all right?

You okay?

Merry.

I say, Margaret.

Margaret.

Would you come in here and queef on my face, Margaret?

It's almost done.

I want a large one.

Get the bellows.

None of those stingy, mingy ones you've done the last couple of days.

Big old queef right on the center of my forehead, Margaret.

I do have to insist.

That is what it sounds like in Connecticut.

Marilyn's top relative search term was girlfriend.

I was told there were hot women near me

for

Delaware.

It was mature,

I would imagine related to Joseph Robinette Biden.

And in Rhode Island, I love this one.

The top relative porn search was wedding.

What?

All right.

Well, paying for those is the hardest most of us ever get fucked.

So I get it.

I get it.

And to close it out, we have a final section called Events.

that changed traffic in 2024.

I'll start with Super Bowl 58 played on February 11th between the Kansas City Chiefs and the San Francisco 49ers.

And the game had some interesting effects at Pornhub.

Most prominently, people went on Pornhub and searched for Super Bowl, just the name of the thing they were watching

for porn.

That search for just Super Bowl.

Hot baits was Super Bowl.

Super Bowl just by itself was up 5,595%.

From there, people went from weirdly vague to extremely specific and started searching for big giant monster cock,

a gain of 2,315%.

And then after the game, which was won by the Chiefs, people from Kansas City celebrated their win with a big regional spike in porn after midnight.

and continuing into the early morning.

But people in San Francisco took the L very sadly and went to bed with no spike in traffic.

Another event was the solar eclipse on April 8th of last year.

This led to a big drop in porn traffic for the states in the path of totality, and Pornhub's viewership map went dark pretty much exactly when each state was going dark over the course of that day.

But for the rest of the day, people really wanted eclipse-based porn.

The terms eclipse and eclipse sex went up huge.

And people got creative, and there was a big spike for eclipse glasses and

eclipse my cot,

whatever the fuck that means.

And Noah only made up like two-thirds of those searches, guys.

We promised.

No, I was just jerking off the video of the actual eclipse on NASA's website, man.

That's fair.

Higher definition.

And finally, we have Election Day.

Yeah.

Well,

it started with a large spike in masturbation at 5 a.m.

on Election Day.

And unlike most mornings, that trend continued upward

until a very unusual peak of the day's traffic at 8 a.m.

That was the peak.

Traffic remained above average until about 3 p.m.

and then went below average for the evening.

The low for the day happened around 7 p.m.

with traffic about 19% below average, which represents tens of millions of people.

From there, the numbers started to head back up toward the average and at 2 a.m., traffic was 6% below normal still.

Then at 2.24 a.m., Pennsylvania got called for Trump and the result was pretty much officially locked in with Trump coming out for a speech at 2.35.

And during that hour from from 2 a.m.

to 3 a.m., traffic jumped from 6% below average at 2 to 11% above average at 3.

And it stayed well above normal for the next four hours.

Apparently, tens of millions of extra Americans spent 3 a.m.

to 7 a.m.

doing a long,

very happy or very sad porn hub session.

All right, so if you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, what would it be?

Republicans are trying to take away your porn, and that is un-American, and that is the most important thing about what Republicans are doing right now.

That is my thesis.

All right, that's probably going to age well.

We record this a couple weeks in advance.

So, are you ready for the quiz, Heath?

Let's do the quiz.

All right, Heath.

It's obvious we've been missing out on some new Super Bowl-themed traffic to our sex tapes.

What should we call our next one to bring in the clicks?

Super, is it A?

Super bully me, mommy.

What?

What?

What?

Will you

explain A before you go?

Bully me.

Bully me.

What?

Total kidding.

Does anybody get it?

Nope.

No.

49er, perverts get it.

49er, 69er.

Or C, media with less problematic representation of First Nations peoples than the children.

All right, I'm going with 49er, 69er.

That's pretty good.

Nice.

Well done.

Okay, Heath, even though election night was a slow night on Pornhub, there are some interesting search terms.

Which one was the most popular?

A, soft palate stuffing.

B,

pung chad, C,

polling place, or D,

big black caucus.

It's like really close to the one on Super Bowl night.

I'm going to go with D,

which is also big black caucus.

You are.

all right heath uh a lot of what people seem to be searching for on pornhub is uh related to a need for some kind of authentic human connection this is unlikely to work out because

a

you're jerking off on pornhub idiot

so okay yeah so a yeah all right you got it

all right well for revealing

very serious human connections whatever All right.

Well, for revealing the truth that porn is not a valid path to a meaningful relationship building.

No matter how many people thumbs up your ass, please comment, apparently.

He is our winner tonight, and he gets to pick next week's essayist.

All right, Noah, I want to hear one of yours, please.

All right, well, for Tom, Heath, Cecil, and Eli, I'm Noah, thanking you for hanging out with us today.

We'll be back next week, and by then, I'll be an expert on something else.

Between now and then, you can hear more from us on cognitive dissonance, D ⁇ D minus, dear old dad's god-awful movies, movies, the no Rogan Experience, the scathing atheist, Season Liberal, and The Skeptocrat.

I'm sure I forgot one.

At least one.

And if you'd like to help keep the show going, you can click a per episode donation at patreon.com slash citationpod or leave a five-star review everywhere you can.

And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect with us on social media, or check the show notes, be sure to check out citationpod.com.

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