Op-Eds by Billionaires

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Hello and welcome.

The Citation Needed, the podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia, and pretend we're experts.

Because this is the internet, and that's how it works now.

I'm Eli Boznik, and I'll be seasoning the rich, but I'll need a few fellow capitalistic gourmands to share the meal.

First up, two men who were ready to eat the rich when I said eat and the Tom and me.

All right, a fancy proposal instead of modest.

I like it.

Yeah, I know we're supposed to take one bite and spit out the rest, so it's more like a tasting than a meal.

It's fair.

Yeah.

Omikaze, if you will.

And also joining us tonight, sweet little rascals that wealth disparity just couldn't nab.

Noah and Cecil.

The fact that despair isn't the root word of disparity seems like a missed opportunity.

That's true.

It's true.

Little rascals.

In my town, the tree house was just the third one.

It was one, two, three.

Before we begin tonight, I'd like to thank our patrons.

Patrons, capitalism is an economic system specifically designed for the rich to get richer at the expense of the poor.

And being poor sounds gross.

So thank you for printing that.

But it's not just our gratitude, our no-no patrons.

Right now, our patrons can already access this week's bonus episode, part three of our reading of My Immortal.

Part three.

It seems like that's part 26 of it.

At least.

It's chapters 29 to 34, whatever that is.

Exactly.

That's right.

Whatever that is in dog years.

Yeah.

That's right, you lucky preps and goffs.

Get ready.

If you'd like to learn how to join their ranks, be sure to stick around till the end of the show.

And with that out of the way, tell us, Noah, what person, place, thing, concept, phenomenon, or event will we be talking about today?

Today, we are going to be talking about a couple of opinion pieces by billionaires.

Ooh, and Tom, I assume this is your counter to my suggestion of just reading out some addresses on air.

On a related note, their fences are surprisingly not as high as you might expect.

That's true.

That's true, Tom.

So dogs are really easy to drug when it comes to easy.

It's not like cats.

So easy.

I have a traybox fan.

So Tom,

just Octopuff, nothing.

This is fair.

So Tom, what did these billionaires have to say?

And why did one of you replace all the texts in our Google Doc with sh

is a moral imperative?

Well, when you're a billionaire, I think it's important to realize that you own the trolley, the switch the track that it's set upon and you are also the reason that there is no brakes excellent proceed

all right this one comes from the sunday february 16th 2020 financial times this was written by mark zuckerberg and the title is big tech needs more regulation huh big switcheroo over the last four years wow big switcheroo nothing up my sleeve if you're if you're aching a little it's probably the whiplash that you're experiencing yeah every day, platforms like Facebook have to make trade-offs on important social values between free expression and safety, privacy and law enforcement, and between creating open systems and locking down data.

Literally all of those are sneaky ways of saying childborn and not childborn.

Just in case you're all wondering what those choices are, there is rarely a clear right answer.

There is.

Often it is as important.

It's so clear.

Often it is as important that decisions are made in a way that people feel is legitimate i'd like to leave a community note for the future

basically what me and elonga were whispering

if you're the leading person in this entire industry and you're the one saying there is no right moral way to do my business even theoretically maybe that's where we should put our fucking focus huh

I don't think private companies should make so many decisions alone when they touch on fundamental democratic values.

That is why last year year I called for regulation in four areas.

Elections, harmful content, privacy, and data portability.

Yeah.

And don't worry, if I realize nobody actually cares about these things, I will wholeheartedly bail on all of them so I can shoot machine guns with Alex Jones on his range.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

So his, just let me translate this out of bullshit.

His opening lines are.

It's really hard, thankless work to make my business viable without destroying society with it.

So I'd like to outsource that work to the taxpayers.

You do it.

Yeah.

So Alex Jones doesn't have a ranch anymore.

Not anymore.

That's fun.

On Monday, Facebook is publishing our second white paper, setting out some questions regulation might address.

We've also been working with governments, including in France and New Zealand, on what regulation could look like.

A few themes kept coming up, like, why are a bunch of bug-eyed lizards publishing a white paper instead of actual actual experts on literally anything?

One is transparency.

Governments often tell us it's hard to design content regulation because they don't have insight into how our systems work.

Facebook already publishes more detailed reports about harmful content than any other major internet service, and we've shown regulators how our systems operate.

We're also looking at opening up our content moderation systems for external audit.

Yeah, we had to show them because it was part of one of our many billion-dollar lawsuits in the EU.

So, yeah.

Also, I love this, Richie.

We're looking into opening up our content moderation for external audit.

We're even thinking about looking into objectively assessing our effectiveness eventually.

We're going to enter ourselves into a drawing.

And if we win our own drawing, we might consider looking at it, or looking at it, or looking at it.

Then there are political ads.

We believe advertising is more transparent on Facebook than television, print, or other online services.

We publish it.

Why would you believe that?

We publish details.

What would make you believe despite all the evidence we believe?

It's hard to see over that gigantic pile of money, Thompson.

Got to look around.

Very tall.

Why?

We publish details about political and issue ads, including who paid for them, how much was spent, and how many people were reached in our ads library.

Sorry, when you opened this essay by saying you were changing these four things, did you mean to say you were going to wildly surmise that you were already better at them than everyone else?

Because that's what you seem to be doing, Martha.

Just

congratulating yourself.

But who decides what counts as political advertising in a democracy?

If a nonprofit runs an ad about immigration during an election, is it political?

Who should decide?

Private companies or governments?

Okay, right now it's private companies, i.e.,

you, Mark.

Like, I know you're just trying to hook up with a senator's daughter at Harvard in your short-sleeve tee over your long-sleeve tee when you've not been asking.

But now you can hire someone, do your fucking job,

by which I mean spend your

huge amounts of money to get somebody else to do a fucking job.

Another theme is openness.

I'm glad the EU is looking at making data sharing easier.

I'm glad they sued me into having to do it.

Yeah, that's why

I wanted to do a big public trial.

I wanted to go to my room anyway.

I was going to sue myself if they didn't do it first.

Actually, I just, Mark, I love this ankle bracelet, and I actually hate walking by playgrounds, so I get it, brother.

Fucking rules up in here.

Oh, God.

Nice and secure.

Oh, man.

It enables people to build things that are valuable for society.

International agencies use Facebook's data for good programs to figure out which communities need help after natural disasters.

And governments use our publicly available population density maps for vaccination campaigns.

Yeah, the vaccinations, they're going to be great.

As long as we don't remove fact-checking and content moderation for anti-vaxxer lines.

Why are you doing it otherwise?

Actually, people use Facebook to say goodbye to their grandma who's dying?

Yeah.

So, yeah, the EU did have to sue us to get us to admit the data we collected.

We're actually very altruistic when you count all the court-ordered shit in it.

I was going to wear this ankle mine.

I'm a gift.

Yeah.

Of course, you should always be able to transfer your data between services, but how do we define define what counts as your data?

If I share something with you, like my birthday, should you be able to take that data to other services, like your calendar app?

Is that my data or yours?

And really, what really counts as your data anyway?

It's on my server.

So whose data is it?

Like, for example, if someone had more money than a human being could reasonably spend in a lifetime, isn't it the moral obligation of that society that that person lives in to redistribute their wealth?

Ah, shit.

I did myself again.

I didn't mean,

oh, beans.

We have to balance promoting innovation and research against protecting people's privacy and security.

Okay, of all your efforts at on the other handing, all your shitty decisions, this is the least convincing, right?

Every objective assessment would be like, well, yeah, privacy and security, obviously.

Fucking innovation of your stupid shit.

There's rarely a clear answer, Noah.

But what if there's an innovative way to sell you more ads?

Right.

That's

a groundbreaking child.

Without clear rules on portability, strict privacy laws encourage companies to lock down data, refusing to share with others to minimize regulatory risks.

Lastly, we need more oversight and accountability.

People need to feel that global technology platforms answer to someone.

So regulation should hold companies accountable when they make mistakes.

So we are going to pretend for a little while that we answer to the government even though we make them gargle our balls whenever we talk.

That's how we do that.

Or

we gargle their balls and give them a million dollars for a big inaugural party so we get a giant tax break.

It's balanced.

It's balanced and it's mutually assured gargling.

There you go.

There you go.

By the way, that party that they gave a million dollars for never happened to.

That's absolutely an interesting bin as well.

Mutually assured gargling again.

MAGA.

Got it.

Companies like mine also need better oversight when we make decisions, which is why we're creating an independent oversight board so people can appeal Facebook's content decision.

Okay.

Yeah.

That was actually a good thing from Facebook.

in 2020.

Just a couple of problems though.

One, turns out they were not able to

time travel and deal with Cambridge Analytica or Russian bots in 2016.

And two, the board's not even trying anymore at this point.

When Zuckerberg ended fact-checking, the board was like, cool is our official decision.

Just let us know if you need anything.

Like, just don't pull the funding from our very much dependent undersight board because it's like the entire time.

Yeah.

You know, we could do spell checking over here as well

If you wanted that, we're just really bored.

Tech companies should serve society.

That includes at the corporate level.

So we support the OECD's efforts to create fair global tax rules for the internet.

But it's funny because if you take any of this at face value, which you shouldn't, he's just saying, It's nuts that we're allowed to get away with this shit.

That's exactly what he said.

Somebody fucking stopped me.

I am a criminal.

Yeah.

You know, when the railroads did this, you literally killed them.

You literally, you brought the army in and you shot them to death as you should have.

Yeah.

I believe good regulation may hurt Facebook's business in the near term, but it will be better for everyone, including us, over the long term.

These are problems that need to be fixed and that affect our industry as a whole.

If we don't create standards that people feel are legitimate, they won't trust institutions or technology.

I'm a naughty boy and I must be punished.

Whatever shall that look like?

The essay.

Oh, man.

Oh, my God.

The entire time he's typing it, his nipple clamps are getting tighter and tighter and tighter.

Every time he hits the space bar, you know, he turned a little bit.

Mark Zuckerberg doesn't have nipples.

Of course, we won't agree with every proposal.

Regulation can have unintended consequences, especially for small businesses that can't do sophisticated data analysis and marketing on their own.

Millions of small businesses, millions, rely on companies like ours to do this for them.

I'm envisioning that painting of Saturn eating his sun, except it's Zuckerberg in my browsing data.

Caption, I'm doing it for you.

Millions of small businesses.

If regulation makes it harder for them to share data and use these tools, that could disproportionately hurt them and inadvertently disadvantage larger companies that can.

Yes, we need to give companies access to all tools as useless as Facebook advertising, like

dowsing rods and business-centered dream captions.

Yeah, right, right.

But what an insane defense.

What he's saying is, look, if we don't steal your shoes and give them to small companies, they'll never be able to compete with large companies that can steal your shoes on their own.

Yep.

Still,

rather than relying on individual companies to set their own standards, we benefit from a more democratic process.

This is why we're pushing for new legislation.

And it's why we support existing U.S.

proposals to prevent election interference, like the Honest Ads Act and the Deter Act.

To be clear, this isn't about passing off responsibility.

I think you're lying.

Even though that's what I mean.

It is.

Facebook is not waiting for regulation or lawsuits.

We're continuing to make progress on these issues ourselves.

All right.

I'm off to my first BJJ class.

Lots of good politics there.

Bye.

But I believe clearer rules would be better for everyone.

The internet is a powerful force for social and economic empowerment.

Regulation that protects people and supports innovation can ensure it stays that way.

Until Trump is elected and I go on Joe Rogan and mouth fucking effigy of regulation in his man cage.

Damn.

All right, Tom.

I've had time to vomit.

What's up next?

Oh, God.

All right.

This is the hard truth.

Americans don't trust the news media.

Oh, for fuck's sake, fuck this op-ed.

This is from October 28, 2024.

A note from our owner, Jeff Bezos.

God damn it.

The title is actually correct, but nothing in it.

That's right.

Yeah, but right, right, exactly.

It's like he's advancing this.

Yeah.

He left off because of me.

Yeah, yeah, the title.

And here's why.

Put my bad in there.

It would have fixed the whole thing.

Oopsie.

Did we edit out the oopsies?

Man.

I'm going to edit that back in.

In the annual public surveys about trust and reputation, journalists and the media have regularly fallen very near bottom, often just above Congress.

Fuck you.

He chortles just like how I imagine a goblin and Jeff Bezos.

It's amazing.

But in this year's gallup poll, we have managed to fall below Congress.

Cool.

Yeah.

All that's left at the bottom is atheists and like half the guards from Riddles, but that's literally it.

What an amazing joke.

Our profession is now the least trusted of all.

Something we are doing is clearly not working.

I wrote in the newspaper that I own and bought for $250 million using less than 1% of my wealth at the time.

and won't let make mean cartoons about me and my friends.

It really makes let them eat cake feel downright media trained, huh?

Let me give an analogy.

Voting machines must meet two requirements.

They must count the vote accurately, and people must believe they count the vote accurately.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

The second requirement is distinct from and just as important as the first.

What a a telling analogy, right?

Because in both cases, the problem is that lying motherfuckers are saying those things can't be trusted.

And billionaires with a lot on the line pretend that

that amounts to legitimate criticism.

That's a great point, Baba.

In the analogy, it's not a voting machine at all.

It's not even that.

You're not a journalist.

I don't trust this voting machine.

That's an ATM, Cletus.

No, no.

Let's hear him out.

I better buy a new

my vote's overdrawn again.

Likewise with newspapers.

We must be accurate and we must be believed to be accurate.

It's a bitter pill to swallow, but we are failing on the second requirement.

Most people believe the media is biased.

Anyone who doesn't see this is paying scant attention to reality.

And those who fight reality lose.

I wrote about people who never read this paper that I'm writing in right now

and are learning about messenger ribonucleic acid from Joe Rogan right now on a podcast.

This next line, who are you talking to with this?

Reality is an undefeated champion.

Oh, wow.

What that is a bold claim in October of 2024, man.

Wow.

It would be easy to blame others for our long and continuing fall in credibility and therefore decline in impact, but a victim mentality will not help.

Complaining is not a strategy.

We must work harder to control what we can control to increase our credibility.

Hold on a second.

I got to write a check to donate $1 million to our next king's coronation.

Give me a sat down.

Presidential endorsements.

Apparently, there was never a.

Yeah.

Presidential endorsements do nothing to tip the scales of an election.

Unless the endorser is wealthier than me.

And that's like, there's like maybe one guy.

No undecided voters in Pennsylvania are going to say, I'm going with newspaper A's endorsement.

None.

Yeah, I mean, can you imagine a newspaper irresponsibly overreacting to a bad debate performance and that overreaction than forcing a rushed half-year campaign in front of a country of liberal fascists.

That would never happen or matter.

What a crazy thing to think.

This is all the more fucked up since the legitimate form of distrust in media comes from its refusal to do shit like admit that Donald Trump was fathoms beneath.

Kamala Harris in every reasonable presidential qualification.

The whole premise of this is, oh, nobody would decide based on what if every goddamn responsible newspaper in the fucking country endorsed the same person?

You don't think that would make a difference?

Also, I would have loved it if she had a half-year campaign.

There's a hundred years ago.

Yeah, I could not find a like delicate third-pray.

What presidential endorsements actually do is create a perception of bias, a perception of non-independence.

Ending them is a principled decision, and it's the right one.

Eugene Meyer, publisher of the Washington Post from 1933 to 1946, thought the same, and he was right.

I think we can all agree nothing happened during those years.

You just inquired what's the fucking

trouble.

Neutrality is sure what was needed from

1940

to 1945.

Why would you

bring that up?

Amazing.

Fair enbounced.

Why is this out loud?

Why wouldn't you hide this like fucking, oh, God.

By itself, declining to endorse presidential candidates is not enough to move us very far up the trust scale, but it's a meaningful step in the right direction.

He insists over the sounds of droves of people canceling their subscriptions to this now significantly less trustworthy newspaper.

I wish we had made the change earlier than we did, in a moment further from the election.

And the emotions around it.

Oh, do you?

Do you?

That was inadequate planning and not some intentional strategy.

Hey, man, our intellectual retreat was planned, okay?

We didn't flee.

What are you talking about?

We wanted to run away.

Those guys are pussies.

We are setting a Trello alert on our calendar, Skinny, for the next.

It's four years.

Who could have possibly seen the election coming up?

They sneak up on you.

Wait, they do them every year?

That can't be right.

I would also like to be clear that no quid pro quo of any kind is at work here.

No.

Neither campaign nor candidate was consulted or informed in any level or in any way about this decision.

And that's the only way there could be a quid pro program at all.

It was made entirely internally.

David Limp, who's a terrible name, the chief executive of one of my companies, Blue Origin, met with former President Donald Trump on the day of our announcement.

I sighed when I found out because I knew it would provide ammunition to those who would like to frame this as anything other than a principled

decision.

Well, yeah, no, we would sure be wanting for ammunition otherwise.

That's why there's been no comments up to this point from the Poke Gallery.

But the fact is, I didn't know about the meeting beforehand.

What happened was the Trello calendar, we forgot

everything.

Pulling on my side of the banner, he was too tall.

Even Limp.

Even Limp didn't know about it in advance.

The meeting was scheduled quickly that morning, and there is no connection between it and our decision on presidential endorsements.

Any suggestion otherwise is false.

Yeah, sending us in limp was a misdirection.

I get it.

We just happened to have a meeting with the candidate who would most benefit from our journalistic negligence on the day we made this decision.

It's a wacky coincidence.

Okay, it's funny.

If you think about it, it's funny.

It's like Freaky Friday.

Yeah.

Anyway, with that apology for how much credibility my decision just costs us with the public, back to how this decision is going to help us be more credible to the public.

When it comes to the appearance of conflict, I am not an ideal owner of the post.

Every day somewhere, some Amazon executive or Blue Origin executive or someone from the other philanthropies and companies I own or invest in is meeting with government officials.

I once wrote that the post is a complexifier for me.

Leave.

You can leave.

You can leave whenever you want.

want but it turns out i am also a complexifier

for the post

feels like you're going to turn one of the pages in the post and that thing from men in black is just going to be there and it's going to go off and wipe your memory

hey if you want to do something principled get rid of it but leave a big trust fund with a tiny tiny fraction of your wealth.

There you go.

Let's the Washington Post keep operating.

Sure.

And maintain its independence forever.

Yeah, that was a good thing.

That would be an endorsement.

That would be endorsing.

That would be an endorsement of facts.

Reality.

I'm not endorsing facts.

Reality has an unjustified

perception of bias.

It would be required to be important.

I got to have a meeting with the president.

You can see my wealth and business interests as a bulwark against intimidation, or you can see them as a web of conflicting interests.

Why not both?

Why don't we see them as both?

Only my own principles can tip the balance from one to the other.

I assure you that my views here are, in fact, principled.

And I believe my track record as owner of the post since 2013 backs this up.

You are, of course, free to make your own determination, but I challenge you to find one instance in those 11 years where I've prevailed upon anyone at the post in favor of my own interests.

What?

It hasn't happened.

Except for this right now, that I'm writing literally right now, but I'm actually too principled if you think about it.

Yes, yes, I'm actively murdering you right now, but I would challenge you to fight any record of violence in my past other than this until this point.

Come on.

Lack of credibility isn't unique to the post.

Our brethren newspapers have the same issue.

And it's a problem not only for the media, but also for the nation.

many people are turning to off-the-cuff podcasts and inaccurate social media posts and other unverified news sources

fuck you too

sorry

with the internet and that's how it works now

which can quickly spread misinformation and and deepen divisions the washington post and the new york times win prizes but increasingly we talk only to a certain elite more and more leaders people who illiterate yeah

illiterate.

Yeah, okay, that's not inaccurate.

More and more, we talk to ourselves.

Wasn't always this way.

In the 1990s, we achieved 80% household penetration

in the DC metro area.

Oh, you mean when there literally wasn't another way to get the news?

I wonder how they did it.

Yeah, right.

What an idiotic thing.

You know, before the internet, there was a lot less email in my inbox.

I got to tell you.

Everybody checked their mail.

You know, while I do not and will not push my personal interest,

except right now, and I'm lying about my motives, so this one doesn't count.

I will also not allow this paper to stay on autopilot and fade into irrelevance.

Overtaken.

He's going to drive it that way then?

Yeah, right.

Yeah, exactly.

It's not going to fade.

It's just going to shoot right the fuck off.

I'm going to steer that fucker right into the wall, bitch.

Active.

Overtaken by unresearched podcasts and social media barbs not without a fight oh i volunteer a tribute

thank you so much keith's reach on this oh my god oh razzle up so bad already hitting you

it's too important the stakes are too high now more than ever the world needs a credible trusted independent voice and where better for that voice to originate than the capital city of the most important country in the world.

To win this fight, we will have to exercise new muscles.

Some changes will be a return to the past, and some will be new inventions.

Criticism will be part and parcel of anything new, of course.

This is the way of the world.

None of this will be easy, but it will be worth it.

What invention does he think he's going to

just get the fucking news?

Just knee pads.

I am so grateful to be part of this endeavor.

Many of the finest journalists you'll find anywhere work at the Washington Post, and they work painstakingly every day to get to the truth.

They deserve to be believed.

Okay, can I add a tiny bit of nuance?

That last part is true.

Like the Washington Post is actually a good paper, absent shit like this.

It actually is.

Sure.

Yeah.

Your money is better spent at ProPublica, though.

Sure.

All right.

Well, I think Cecil's felony editing finger is getting tired.

So we'll take a quick break for some apropos of nothing.

Excuse me, President Johnson.

Yes, you're that Martin Luther King Jr.

fella, aren't you?

Indeed, I am.

Well, I've heard a lot of very positive things about you, sir.

And I, you.

Oh, so, how can I help you?

Well,

I was just wondering, now that I've got you, if you would mind ending racism,

please.

Ending racism, please.

Well, I never.

Nobody ever thought to say please before.

Why, of course I'll end racism.

Oh, you will?

Of course.

Because I'm a great person.

Everyone is a great person!

And because you asked so nicely.

Well, now that I think of it, nobody must have ever asked nicely before.

You know, I guess they didn't.

Man, when you think of it this way, through this lens, which is very true and accurate historically, that we just asked peacefully and nicely enough, and all the people who didn't end racism before, I guess they all kind of had it coming if you think of it this this way.

Well, yeah, you know, I guess they did.

Yeah, and if anyone in the future ever thinks something bad is happening, why?

They should just ask someone really, really nicely for it to stop.

You know, that's right.

Really nicely, because everyone is a great person.

Everyone.

This has nothing to do with the widespread arming of the Black Panthers.

Nothing at all.

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This is the story of the one.

As head of maintenance at a concert hall, he knows the show must always go on.

That's why he works behind the scenes, ensuring every light is working, the HVAC is humming, and his facility shines.

With Granger's supplies and solutions for every challenge he faces, plus 24-7 customer support, his venue never misses a beat.

Call quickgranger.com or just stop by.

Granger, for the ones who get it done.

And we're back.

When we left off, the Buddha was googling gun stores near me.

So tell us, Tom,

who will be asking for the legally vague kit next?

This is an op-ed by Peter Thiel

from the Bubba, what was the Bubba the Love Sponge?

Bubba the Love Sponge episode.

Welcome back to the show, Peter.

This is written January the 10th, 2025, and it's a time for truth and reconciliation.

Oh my God, I hate him so much, Aaron.

I hate him so much.

This is so much worse than the other two.

I've never seen an op-ed more face-punchable

in this.

if you're an angry punching person and you're at work, you have to wait until you're home to listen to the rest of the pod.

I don't want you to lose your job because Carol comes around the corner for a paperclip.

In 2016, President Barack Obama told his staff that Donald Trump's election victory was not the apocalypse.

Well, that hasn't aged well.

By any definition, he was correct.

Any?

Any?

But understood in the original sense, the Greek word

apocalypsis.

Fuck you.

It gets so much more pompous from here.

Oh, my God.

Meaning, unveiling.

The definition of apocalypse is.

Obama could not give the same reassurance in 2025.

Trump's return to the White House.

augers the apocalypse

of the ancient regime's secrets.

Ow!

Somebody punched me in the face for writing that sentence.

All right.

Fair enough.

Fair enough.

I'm going to continue.

No, no, that's fair.

That's fair.

By the way, it's uncien regime.

It's not even ancient regime.

It's worse.

It's uncienne regime, like the French thing.

Oh, French revelations.

I just thought that was a misspelling.

Now I'm angrier.

Oh, no, that's a pretentious correct spelling of the shit

to say something simple ever.

Cool.

Cool.

Yeah, I'm getting in on that punching.

The new administration's revelations.

Get it, apocalypsis.

Not revelations, very clever.

Need not justify vengeance.

Reconstruction can go hand in hand with reconciliation, but for reconciliation to take place, there must first be truth.

Ah, somehow I'm losing a debate against Abraham Lincoln in my first turn.

I'm going to continue.

I'm going to say something like Ancien regime again.

For sure.

The apocalypse is the most peaceful means of resolving the old guards' war on the internet.

A war the internet won.

My friend and colleague, Eric Weinstein, calls the pre-internet custodians of secrets the distributed idea suppression complex, or DISC.

The media organization, bureaucracies, universities, and government-funded NGOs that traditionally delimited.

public conversation.

Yeah, Eric Weinstein, he's a normal person with great ideas about a lot of stuff.

You should not

Google his brother either.

He also thinks he's discovered the grand unified theory, and science is just jealous of how much smarter than Einstein he is.

Anyway, that guy was telling me about the web of governments and academia that suppressed the truth.

He kept scratching his face really hard.

Yeah.

Very disturbing.

That's kind of fucking rash.

In hindsight, the internet had already begun our liberation from the disc prison upon the prison death of financier and child sex offender Jeffrey Epstein in 2019.

Almost half of Americans polled that year mistrusted the official story that he died by suicide, suggesting that disc had lost control of the narrative.

The internet, a giant argument from popularity machine, has decided reality, and we should listen.

Yup.

Okay, what you said is not why, but like the disc totally lost control of the narrative.

Like, I have no evidence in my heart, though.

It definitely lost control of the narrative.

Suicide?

No.

Come on.

Maybe it's just me.

But if the first thing that came up when you googled my name and the name of a famous sex criminal was a New York Times article about our multiple meetings in 2014.

I would just

not bring up that person to your mess.

Yeah.

Just never

make sure they died in prison.

Yeah.

Like what happened.

It may be too early to answer the internet's questions about the late Mr.

Ipstein, but one cannot say the same of the assassination of John F.

Kennedy.

65% of Americans still doubt that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone.

And my inclusion of still accidentally disproves my entire premise that the internet did this on its own.

Oops.

No deletes for me.

Moving on.

Like an outlandishly postmodern detective story, we have waited 61 years for a denounment while the suspects, Fidel Castro, 1960s Mafiosi, the CIA's Alan Dulles, gradually die.

The thousands of classified government files on Oswald may or may not be red herrings, but opening them up for public inspection will give America some closure.

What about egg prices?

What's it about egg Thank you.

Was it about egg prices?

That's what I heard.

That's the fucking rumor I heard.

That's a lot of what I heard too.

Okay, but this did remind me about the only fun executive order that we got from Trump in that first day.

So I got all excited and I looked it up.

The thing about Kennedy being declassified, the story from Time magazine was like, relax.

Fucking Heath.

It was Oswald.

It was just Oswald.

Fucking calm down.

Yeah.

Okay, but you got to admit that being too proud to tell America you wear a back brace so everyone thinks George Bush Sr.

shot you in the head for the rest of the time is almost as funny as if Adel Castro had been.

No, they'll think I'm a gay malta wearing a back brace.

Come on.

It's great.

We cannot wait six decades, however, to end the lockdown on a free discussion about COVID-19.

In subpoenaed emails from Anthony Fauci's senior advisor, David Morins, we learnt

the National Institutes of Health.

No way, it's going to get so much worse.

Wait.

That National Institutes of Health apparatches.

Oh my God.

I'm going to punch him soap.

So much of your worldly goods, you win.

Where are you right now?

His fence is not that high.

You can see it on Middle Earth.

Hid their correspondence from Freedom of Information Act scrutiny.

Nothing, wrote Boccaccio in his medieval plague epic, The Decameron, is so indecent that it cannot be said to another person if the proper words are used to convey it.

Just put the whole fucking quote together.

Just do the quote.

Some of those aren't even pretentious enough.

God damn it.

Also, how does he even open his goddamn thesaurus to find Apparatchic with all the cum on the pages?

That's crazy.

Yes, big vocabulary brought to you by every incorrect email correction we've ever gotten by us here, right?

To who said may concern

in that spirit, Morrins and former chief U.S.

Medical Advisor Fauci will have the chance to share some indecent facts about our own recent plague.

Did they suspect that COVID spawned from U.S.

taxpayer-funded research or an adjacent Chinese military programs and E's?

Yes, yes.

Why did we fund the work of EcoHealth Alliance, which sent researchers into remote Chinese caves to extract novel coronaviruses?

Is

caves of chinoiserie is what I considered.

I went with Chinese caves.

Moving on.

Is gain of function research a by word for a bioweapons programming?

And how did our government stop the spread of such questions on social media?

Just when did Anthony Fauci,

just when did Anthony Fauci stop beating his wife, I inquire, thesaurus.com and leave.

I'm, in the words of the bon vivant warrior poets

named me, just asking questions.

Our First Amendment frames the rules of engagement for domestic fights over free speech, but the global reach of the internet tempts its adversaries into a global war.

Can we believe that a Brazilian judge banned acts without American backing in a tragic comic perversion of the Monroe Doctrine?

I excel through my nose over my brandy at the very thought.

Were we complicit in Australia's recent legislation requiring age verification for social media users?

The beginning of the end of internet anonymity?

Did we muster up even two minutes' criticism of the UK, which has arrested hundreds of people a year for online speech triggering, among other things, annoyance, inconvenience, or needless anxiety.

We may expect no better for more wellian dictatorships in East Asia and Eurasia.

Fuck out.

But we must support a free internet in Oceania.

I bought a Senate seat for J.D.

Vance and I'm funding a steroid Olympics.

That's right, just like Winston in 1984.

Pete, sorry, bring it over here for a second.

The steroid Olympics is an amazing idea, and I need you to stop using it as an example.

Okay,

I heard it right after I said it.

That is an amazing idea.

I agree.

Like, let's have some nuance.

Peter Thiel's awesome voice one.

That's a great idea.

That's a great idea.

Is that real?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It is.

But

I feel like.

And it's a great idea.

But I feel like their choices of what to include in their lists are proof that they don't believe what they're asserting, right?

Like, if you think that the government intentionally created and accidentally released a bioweapon that killed millions and millions of people all over the world, you would not follow it up with, oh, so why didn't we criticize this online privacy law in the UK?

It's also equally important and belongs in the same list.

Darker questions still emerge in these dusky final weeks of our interrogum.

I'll fucking tell you.

Who told me that talking like this made me sound smart, for example?

Venture capitalist Mark Andreessen recently suggested on Joe Rogan's podcast that the Biden administration debanked crypto entrepreneurs.

An oligarch said on a podcast.

He lied.

Listen to the first episode of the No Rogan experience.

He's a fucking liar.

Right.

And even if he was telling the truth, well, good.

Like, if their crypto is really great, they shouldn't need any boost, right?

That's the whole fucking thing with their stupid crypto.

Sink or swim, motherfuckers.

How closely does our financial system resemble a social credit system?

Not at all.

Oh, wait.

Were an IRS contractor's.

Not even remotely analogous.

Weren't IRS contractors' illegal leaks of Trump's tax records anomalous?

Or should Americans assume their right to financial privacy hinges upon their politics?

And can one speak of a right to privacy at all when Congress conserves Section 702 of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act, under which the FBI conducts tens of thousands of warrantless searches of Americans' communication.

Could a man not be a terrorist in his own home anymore?

Broken clock twice a day.

FISA courts are a great idea.

No problem.

And the steroid Olympics was great.

Exactly.

And Kennedy got killed by a big group of people.

And there was nothing I said.

That's right.

South Africa confronted its apartheid history with a

questions above with piecemeal declassifications would befit both Trump's chaotic style and our internet world, which processes and propagates short packets of information.

Amazing.

A good way to do this would be a Truth and Reconciliation Commission, but that wouldn't help since all my claims are bullshit.

So how about we just let the gut instincts of Joe Rogan listeners decide instead of

happy, though?

The first Trump administration shied away from declassification because it still believed in the right-wing deep state of an Oliver Stone movie.

This belief has faded.

Yeah, I too have lost faith in the state, Peter Thiel.

I get it.

Yeah.

Our ancient regime.

Ancien regime.

No.

Like the aristocracy of pre-revolutionary France, thought the party would never end.

2016 shook their historicist faith in the arc of the moral universe.

But by 2020, they hoped to write Trump off as an aberration.

In retrospect, 2020 was the aberration, the rearguard action of a struggling regime and its Strollbrug ruler.

Oh my God.

I hate him so fucking much.

Strollbrug ruler?

So he was like,

Gulliver's Travels.

Nailed it.

That's a Gulliver's Travels reference

just make a list of books that you've read for your fucking business card put it on your business card next to your W-2 that's already on there

Sillian rail bone

god damn it somebody will fuck you Peter you're rich you don't need to do this

There will be no reactionary restoration of the pre-internet past.

Okay, so you, Peter, you seem like a overly red individual.

So can you explain the end of the Ancien regime to us?

And when you do it, just put your head through this hole and let us know what happened to rich people.

Just talk to

you to look at it.

Yeah.

The future demands fresh and strange ideas.

Peter tealed to death with a croquet boost.

Eat the cake, motherfucker.

Eat it.

Eat it.

Fresh and strange.

Innovation.

New ideas might have saved the old regime, which barely acknowledged, let alone answered our deepest questions.

That's because your questions are literally too stupid to be answered.

The causes of the 50-year slowdown in scientific and technological progress in the U.S., the racket of crescendoing real estate prices, and the explosion of public debt.

Wait a second.

Guys, I think you might be winding up to one of those.

It was I who killed the butler endings.

So, wait, hold on.

Yeah, hold up, hold up.

Perhaps an exceptional country could have continued to ignore such questions.

But as Trump understood in 2016, America is not an exceptional country.

It is no longer even a great.

Hey, look at that.

Me and Peter Thiel agree on two things now, huh?

Yep.

Okay, I was thinking about it.

Are we sure the state is

an awesome idea?

Okay, no, no, it's gonna look like a big instinctually.

it sounds amazing i feel like

they're gonna be probably

horses they're gonna be big broken horses unable to speak or move

except the run so

fast

it's so fucking funny

regime pour les athletiques

They just run as fast as they can, and then they, at the finish line, they just fall into a coffin.

And they're all seven.

They just run into a fucking meat grinder and feeds all the rest of them.

And then everyone comes out a fucking happy meal.

It's the best.

It's a fucking horrible thing.

Next generation of steroid athletes has to eat it because that's where they get their milk spoiled.

Slipping down like spaghetti.

They don't cook the meat.

They just put it between bums.

Come on.

You got to admit, it's a pretty effective.

Like the NFL does so well.

Like, come on.

Wait.

Don't throw up too much, or you're last through the grinder, and then it's all slow and sticky.

Identity politics endlessly relitigates ancient history.

The study of recent history, to which the Trump administration is now called, is more treacherous and more important.

The apocalypse

cannot resolve our fights over 1619, but it cannot

But it can resolve our fights over COVID-19.

Oh my God, I hate it.

It will not adjudicate the sins of our first rulers, but the sins of those who govern us today.

All right, I got to rhyme something about American slavery with COVID-19.

That's my day now.

He landed on 1619 rhyming with COVID-19 violence.

19 does rhyme with 19.

Oh, now.

They've been re

braver, right?

No, the return of thoughts can.

That was pretty good.

Thank you.

The internet will not allow us to forget those sins, but with the truth, it will not prevent us from forgiving.

All right, Tom.

You had to summarize what you've learned in one legal sentence.

Okay.

What would I do?

Rewrite something then.

Need a minute to rewrite.

Delete, delete, delete.

The only thing of value to gain from the rich is their fucking riches.

There you go.

And are you ready for the quiz?

Let's do it.

Okay, Tom.

Besides a guillotine, what's the best way for the mob to execute a billionaire?

A

decapital gains.

B

cruci-financed.

C,

brazen bull market.

Or D.

D.

Dismember FDIC.

Oh.

All right.

It's brazen bull market.

That's great.

Correct.

I love that.

I feel like Cecil's been thinking about that one for a while.

All four of those could have been the deep, right?

Made to listen to him howling there.

All right, Tom.

When we eat the ancien regime called the rich,

what's going to be the best name for a dish when we do that?

Hey,

Charles Cocovin,

Muscles Marinara.

C.

Zucka Larange, Ordinan.

Anything flambezos.

Oh, God.

All of those are so good.

All of those are good.

Secret answer E, I'm ordering the menu.

Well done, correct.

Got to get him from the buffet.

Warren Buffet.

Of course.

All right.

We don't need him.

He's nice.

All right, Tom.

We're big talk here on citation needed.

But if we lived in the times of Hitler, we'd be telling people to A, write their local Reichstagman.

B, put a resist sticker on the back of your train car.

Or C, vote for Bernie Sanders.

Jesus.

Jesus fucking true shit.

All right, it's vote for Bernie Sanders.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right, I've got one more for you, Tom.

Peter Thiel's pompousent treaty for open access to previously unavailable information would be severely undercut if A,

the thing he was most famous for was suing a media organization out of existence for providing information he didn't like.

B, we did an entire episode about this.

It was episode 388, so it wasn't even that long ago.

C,

and the fact that he can even pretend to give a fuck about free access to information without bursting into goddamn flames is all the proof against divinity we should ever need.

Or D,

eat the rich.

Fucking eat the rich.

Ah, damn it.

I'm sorry.

It was secret answer E, all of the above.

I kind of like that gawker is fucking gone or whatever.

Well, that's fine.

All right, Noah wins.

Hooray.

I want next week's essay to be by Heath.

All right.

Well, for Tom, Noah, Cecil, and Heath, I'm Ela Bosnik.

Thank you for hanging out with us today.

We'll be back next week.

And by then, Heath, be an expert on something else.

Between now and then, you can listen to our podcasts in all the podcast places, especially Cecil and Marsh's new show, No Rogan.

Available.

The No Rogan experience.

Available wherever podcasts are.

If you type No Rogan in, you'll get

the new show.

Yes.

We recently did a whole episode on Mark Zuckerberg's Rogan appearance.

Check that out.

And if you'd like to help keep this show going, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pod or...

Leave us a five-star review everywhere you can.

And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect us on social media, or check the show notes, be sure to check out citationpod.gov.

And so, I am pleased to announce that we, England, are giving Gandhi and all his people back an entire country worth of colonies because they asked.

Super duper peacefully and nicely for the first time ever.

Wow, thank you, Your Highness.

Do the voice, you coward.

I'm not gonna do the voice.