Sleeping Beauty

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Hello and welcome to Citation Needed.

The podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts because this is the internet, and that's how it works now.

I'm Eli Bosnick, and I'll be making with the Once Upon a Times tonight, but I'll need some gents to help me weave the tail.

First up, two men who can't both be grumpy, but I'll be damned if I'll admit which one of them is Doc, Cecil, and Noah.

Oh, look, I mean, even I have to concede in this tight race for the title of Grumpy that it's Noah.

Okay, okay, but the dwarves all shared a single fucking bet.

How the fuck was only one of them grumpy?

Like,

they should have been introduced as Grumpy and grumpy and grumpy and grumpy.

They should have at least been grumpy.

Gay sex chains, a cheerful place.

I don't know what you're talking about.

And also joining us tonight, the Hellraiser reboot of Sleepy.

I'm Curry.

Yeah, I once got stuck in an elevator and I just, I just laid down to take a nap.

I still miss that elevator to this day.

I know you do, buddy.

All right.

Before we begin tonight, I'd like to take a moment to thank our patrons.

Patrons, without you, our podcast would be frozen forever.

We never did

waiting for your dollars to raise us from our slumber.

And if you'd like to learn how to join their ranks, be sure to stick around till the end of the show.

And with that out of the way, Noah, tell us what person, place, thing, concept, phenomenon, or event will we be talking about today?

Today, we're going to be talking about sleeping beauty.

All right.

So, Tom, you're on a bit of a fairy tale kick lately.

Do you have a pot of gold?

You have to tell me if you do.

It's like being a cop.

Eli, if I had a pot of gold, this would be a four-person show.

even more it would be a four-person show even more

all right tom who was

sleeping beauty all right not everything is ruined not a question man but okay yeah but i mean look a lot is ruined right but not not everything and right now in these uncertain times i think that it's important to remember that we still have some things left some certain few sacred things that are yet untouched

okay mr optimism This is an episode that won't air for another two weeks.

And to remember that before the fascists and the crazies can take from us our sacred and beautiful stories, before our cultural touchstones that defined our childhood can be despoiled and ruined, those stories, they belonged to us.

They were ours to hold and to cherish, ours to pass from generation to generation, ours to nurture and draw succor and solace from.

And most importantly,

ours to just absolutely fucking destroy here on citation needed.

Yeah, I mean, at least before the supreme minister renames the story, the girl who was totally asking for it.

Sure, she's nice.

Yep.

All right, so today I'm going to tell you a story that you already know, but I doubt that you actually know.

I'm going to tell you the story of Sleeping Beauty, but not the Disney version you might recall from your childhoods.

Or at least not only that version, because Sleeping Beauty is actually a story based on a very old italian folktale from sometime around 1634 written by giam battista bassile a man whose name i just mispronounced now tom if you moved your hands a lot while you did it my people will forgive you

i did and while i tell you that

that jerk off motion does not count

all right and i didn't but if it's two at the same time it does it's weird and while i tell you the original tale i want you to hold in your mind this idea that someone from Disney found this original story and thought to themselves, you know what?

A few tweaks and this would make a delightful movie for the kiddos.

Okay, guys, at the pitch meeting, what do you think about a holiday retelling of

human centipede, huh?

What do you say?

I mean, God stretch us, everyone.

It rats itself.

So, but okay, but do you guys remember the fucking boat scene from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?

That is a dozen years after Sleeping Beauty.

It has a fucking chicken beheading and a centipede crawling out of the mouth of a corpse.

We didn't stop intentionally seeding children's entertainment with nightmare fuel until the late 90s.

Now, before we get to the original, let's begin with the American classic, made forever famous by our not-at-all sketchy friends at Disney.

Our tale here.

begins in the 14th century when the king of somewhere and the queen of the same somewhere welcome their daughter, Aurora, into the world.

And then they have a holiday where all the royal subjects are required to pay homage to the baby princess.

But the baby was beginning to be something of an old maid.

And so, on her christening, she was betrothed to Prince Philip in a political marriage aimed at uniting two kingdoms.

Yeah, to be clear, the baby marriage is the most anodyne part of the anodyne version.

Buggle up, buggle the fuck in.

Among the well-wishers invited were three good fairies: Flora, Fauna, and Meriwether, who is obviously just the other one.

Tall.

She was tall.

Jesus Christ.

But the king and the queen neglected to invite Maleficent, a fairy with a spicier vibe.

And Maleficent has some serious rage FOMO.

While in the middle of receiving magical gifts from the good fairies, in bursts Maleficent, who cursed Aurora with a super weird and very specific, time-delayed curse.

On Aurora's 16th birthday, she's condemned to prick her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel and to die.

But Meriwether had yet to give her gift to the baby, so she fights the curse with a very weak reverse Uno spell and changes the curse.

So instead of dying, Aurora is doomed to take a very long nap until she's awoken by the kiss of true love, which you definitely have to get permission for ahead of time.

Okay, feels like a really awkward baby shower, then, though, right?

Never to wake again.

Curse you, witch Guards!

Not so fast, Maleficent.

For a spell of my own, I shall entwine a saving grace that's fully mine, not to death, but just to sleep, till true love's kiss is hers to keep.

Curse you, Meriwether.

And I brought one of those tummy-time masks.

Not now, Susan.

Well, maybe I should have gone before the fairies.

I just, I want to hear the Eli and Noah fairies questioning Meriwether afterwards, right?

Where they're like, dude, why not use your spell to cancel?

Why did you put

this weird ass fucking caveat that only a kiss would

just happen?

At least you make it so that any old fucking kiss would do the trick, at least.

All right, so the king understandably loses his shit.

He has all the spinning wheels in the kingdom burned, which is a reasonable impulse given the circumstances, but it also seems seems like a decade and a half premature.

So the three good fairies, recognizing that spinner is going to spin no matter what, they devise a plan to hide Aurora off-grid and to keep her away from spinning wheels until she turns 16.

But I'm going to impose a crushing tariff on spinning wheels now.

Now, all goes pretty much according to plan for a while.

The three fairies stop using magic in order to stay under the radar.

They raise Aurora without telling her shit about fuck.

Until, nearing her 16th birthday, the fairies get excited.

And all they need is for Aurora to just not touch a spinning wheel on one specific day, and they could be done raising this kid and start being baller-ass magical fairies again and move out of the sticks and get back to their lives.

And the whole ask here of this fucking kid is just to not touch this one super specific thing that isn't even anywhere around her and only on that one day, and all is well, and fuck Maleficent and her shitty party foul curse.

Okay, but Tom, you've raised two teenagers, so you are deeply aware of how fucked they are in this situation.

Well, yeah, but I mean, the fact that they gave them a date,

that makes the burning things that's an insane overreaction.

You handcuff her that day, right?

And the whole fucking thing and lock the door

fixed.

Gloves fixed this whole problem.

All right, so the fairies are just chuffed to all hell at the prospect of not having to parent this kid anymore, and they decide they are throwing Aurora a sweet 16.

And they send Aurora out to get some berries and to sing to the squirrels and shit, which Aurora does, but her Aardvark anthems are just too powerful.

And Prince Philip, her betrothed from when she was a baby, hears her.

And the two spot one another in the forest, and they instantly get the big feels.

And Aurora invites Philip back to her cottage later that night.

And Philip, though technically off the market since he is betrothed to a baby that went missing like dozens of milk cartons ago, Nonetheless, he grew.

A long-distant relationship like that might just suck, but on the plus side, cutting the milk carton and getting a wallet-sized photo of your betrothed is pretty easy.

Now, back at the cottage, the fairies are losing their fucking minds.

Even though they've had 16 years of practice not using their magic wands, it turns out they're just absolute shit at throwing surprise parties.

So even though all the work of the last 16 years is riding on them not not attracting the attention of Maleficent, literally for just one more day,

they bust out their magic wands and they get into a big fucking magical disagreement and they basically shoot fireworks out of the chimney spelling out, hey, Maleficent, we're here.

We've been hiding here the whole time.

We just had one more fucking day to lay low, but instead we're shooting road flares at your fucking house.

All right, so Maleficent's pet raven, Diablo.

Okay, it's kind of sad that I've seen better creative writing on vampire LARP backstories, man.

Come on.

Diablo spies the none-too-subtle magical incompetent streamers and he flies over to investigate just as Aurora tells the fairies she saw one man one time in the woods and she is Jones in for it.

At which point the fairies reveal to Aurora her identity and the whole story, which Diablo overhears.

And the fairies figure that out despite their worst efforts.

The jig is up.

They ditch the country house.

They hightail to the castle where they're still going to throw her a sweet 16

because fuck it that's why

okay you but so but one option to extend the subterfuge would be to go literally anywhere else

okay but i feel like if running to the castle is the option then blowing your wand load was especially wasteful you know

so maleficent knows now where aurora's at and she appears to aurora and lures her into a room in a tower where

for magical reasons there appears a spinning wheel which the stupid Aurora pretty readily just reaches out and pokes right at the goddamn spindle of because teenagers will always do the opposite of any sensible thing that they are asked not to do.

And she falls immediately asleep, but doesn't die thanks to Meriwether.

Meanwhile, the fucking Noah and Eli fairies are going, just at least admit it's because you couldn't think of anything else that rhymed with weep in the moment.

Okay.

The fairies are pissed.

So they take the somulent princess and they stick her in a tower and then they're like, fine, our girl's asleep, the whole kingdom's napping.

And they put the whole fucking kingdom to bed.

But before they do, they overhear Prince Philip telling his dad about the hot chick he met in the forest who sings to beavers.

And the fairies put two and two together.

I feel like Heath was their loophole advisor on this whole scheme.

It's true.

He does love to sexually assault women while they're unconscious.

Everybody is doing

this.

Wow.

You remember when it was just us talking about you ripping your penis off, man?

He doesn't listen when he's not here.

But Maleficent has captured the prince because she also figured out that his face meet held the key to undoing her curse.

And then she reveals her pretty fucking awful plan for a Disney movie.

The plan is this.

While Aurora sleeps, Aurora will not age.

So she is going to stay hot as hell.

Be careful.

You're talking about a 16-year-old.

This is pretty much in the movie like this, though.

No, you're right.

You're But time will pass as normal for Phillips.

So, Maleficent declares that she's going to hold him hostage until he's old and dying and his balls are drooping.

And then she's going to let him go just as he is on the verge of decrepit, hideous death, so that Aurora can see her beloved and be horrified.

And he can see his beloved and see her horror taking in his ravaged visage.

And he gets to die lonely and then rejected by his beautiful love.

And she gets to live having missed out on a life with her beloved.

It is a pretty solid prank for not getting invited to a party one time.

Did you and Heath have a nice dinner when he visited this weekend, Cecil?

You guys have a good time?

Some fun?

Just wondering.

The fairies have other plans, though, and they hook the prince up with a sword and a shield, and they send him after Maleficent, who's in the castle.

which she surrounds with a bunch of spiky vines and those bushes with the burrs that get stuck in your shoelaces and shit.

Oh, I hate those.

They're the worst.

But Philip hacks through that junk and faces off against the evil FOMO fairy, at which point she busts out her alter ego, a huge fire-breathing dragon, which sounds awesome and would definitely defeat some guy with a boner for a teenager that has a sword.

But he stabs her and she dies, even though that's kind of dumb.

Okay, but hear me out here.

If the goal was to kill the kid on her 16th birthday,

and you had turning into dragon powers,

I feel like there was no, like, we didn't have to get a spinning wheel involved here.

So then Philip, of course, finds the sleeping Aurora, gives her a kiss, which is such a great kiss.

It wakes not only Aurora, but the whole kingdom up.

And then everyone goes downstairs to the ballroom.

And then...

Presumably covered in the gore of a bloodily slain enormous magical dragon, the pair dance the night away, beginning a relationship built exclusively on their shared physical attraction with no idea if they had any common interests at all.

Well, gore was slippery, but she was a blue dragon, so they got to do the electric slide.

There's like five DD nerds who are in the middle of the dragon.

Yeah,

but they got it hard, Cecil.

They got it heart.

Well, apparently, the ending with the blood-slicked floor covered in awful is the nice version.

So while we suit up in slickers like Gallagher, we're going to take a quick break for a little apropos of nothing.

Which is why I hereby command every spinning wheel in the land be destroyed.

I'm sorry, Your Majesty.

Yes, Vester, your thoughts?

So,

if you'll pardon me,

I just feel like there are better solutions than destroying the foremost form of garment construction of our time.

Ha ha ha.

Yes, yes.

But don't worry.

See, I'm also sending her into the woods with fairies.

The same fairies that didn't warn you they had an evil co-worker who was going to try to kill your kid if she wasn't invited to the party?

Yes.

Okay, well, setting that aside, if you're going to isolate her anyway, isn't that all the more reason not to destroy the preeminent textile technology of our kingdom?

Ah, yes, but one can never be too safe, Fesser.

Never.

Okay, but if you can never be too safe, then why not just cut off her fingers?

Or hey, you could make her wear metal gloves all the time, right?

I'm just saying there are so many solutions to the problem that would allow our society to

have clothes.

Yes, yeah, I see your point.

What I'll tell the fairies not to use their magic.

Yes, haha.

Why would the fairies not use their magic?

Never too safe, Vesser.

Right, never too safe.

Got it.

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Heads up, California.

There's a statewide special election November 4th.

Active registered voters will receive a vote-by-mail ballot that they can return at a drop-off location in person or by mail.

Rest assured, your vote is secure.

You can even sign up to track your ballot.

Your vote is your voice.

Use it.

Don't delay.

Vote right away.

Get more information or check your voter status at sos.ca.gov.

A message from the California Secretary of State.

And we're back.

When we left off, Tom treated us to the sunny date rapey blood spattered version of the story.

Are you ready to give us the real deal, Tom?

What the fuck?

All right, so that was the Disney version, which is, it is sort of fucked up, right?

But it's not too bad.

And really, it's nothing at all like its original source material.

The source material is sun, moon, and Talia.

And this also starts with a king having a baby daughter, this time named Talia, rather than Aurora.

Now, this king, like any new father, is anxious about his daughter's future, so he sends for astrologers and other such liars to run her horoscope.

And then, in a rare moment of agreement, all the liars come up with the same bullshit, that Talia would someday be put in great danger by a splinter of flax.

A story which sounds insane, but when in a time that no one bathed and everyone smelled like pickled assholes, a splinter could definitely be a death sentence.

Okay, Tom, if you want to stand your ground about medieval bathing habits, you do it, but there's no need to come for Lucinda's pickled assholes, okay?

No,

yeah, it's fine, Eli, Tom can have Harry and David pears for Christmas this year, just like everybody else.

So the king...

They're hard to pickle, Tom.

The Brian goes right through them because they're whole mushs.

So the king tells his lackeys that there's no flax and for good reason, no hemp or anything even remotely similar that is to be brought into the king's house.

And this worked for a while, but eventually the baby grew to a beautiful young lady who one day looked out her window and saw an old woman pass by spinning on a spindle.

That line is a direct quote.

So you have to imagine, like, I guess, some kind of like spindle mobile or something, I guess.

Yeah, so no, I was picturing her like tumbling down the road in tanguing.

Yeah, right.

So she's spinning.

So anyway, Talia is just transfixed by this spinning wheel and she chases it down like it's the fucking ice cream truck and she begs this old lady to let her stretch out some flax.

Okay, so she sees a woman traveling down the road on a spindle and her first thought is, I can stretch flax with that mode of transport, I bet.

God, old-timey people were fucking boring.

I'm glad you get stabbed.

I said the old lady was reluctant at first.

You know, most of the time she just spindled her days away around town without anyone taking much interest.

But Talia was insistent.

And the old lady agreed and let Talia give it a whirl.

But just fucking immediately, a splinter of flax goes under her nail, and Talia just immediately dies.

Now, why did she die from the splinter?

No idea.

She wasn't cursed by the astrologers, they just knew that she had some kind of like crazy flax splinter allergy or something.

It doesn't make any sense.

The king was just devastated.

He had one job, keep his kid off flax, and he couldn't do it.

He couldn't do it.

I learned it from watching you.

Eddie couldn't bring himself to dig a hole and toss his only daughter in it to rot.

So instead, he dressed her in beautiful garments and he had her body placed on a brocade covered dais in a palatial room in one of his estates.

And then he abandoned the property entirely, unable to bear his grief.

And this is actually the last

non-problematic paragraph I will be writing for this part of the story.

Thanks for listening, everyone, for Noah, Tom, and Eli.

I'm Cecil.

Thanking you for hanging out today.

Yeah,

y'all are going to be pining for the days when our episodes were just about turtles starving cannibals.

For real.

So the area around the estate was just lousy with kings because one day, after some indeterminate amount of time had passed, another king nearby was doing some light falconeering.

And the falcon had other ideas, it flew into an open window in Talia's corpse estate, and it could not be coaxed back out.

So the king scaled the wall of the palace and climbed in through the open window after his errant bird.

And that king, having now broken and entered, wandered from room to room looking for his falcon and finding nothing but an empty house until he came to a drawing room where the beautiful young, and I have to remind you, dead Talia lay inert and unmoving.

Now, before Tom moves on, I want to remind everyone at home, waste not, want not.

Okay.

Oh, my gosh.

That's what you said.

We all agreed to that.

So the king.

Presumably now forgetting about the missing bird, tried to wake Talia, thinking she was just asleep, but she's fucking dead from a splinter.

And so now I'm just going to go and quote directly from the story itself.

Probably for the best.

Yeah, I didn't know what to do with this.

Quote, as he looked at her and tried to wake her, she seemed so incredibly lovely to him that he could not help desiring her, and he began to grow hot with lust.

Okay.

He gathered her in his arms and carried her to a bed where he made love to her.

Leaving her on the bed, he left the palace and returned to his own city, where pressing business for a long time made him think no more about the the incident 398 episodes was a pretty good run though

bonuses we made it to 400 that's cool i'm saying what the fuck kind of pressing business makes you just not think about the time you raped a corpse in the woods

how pressing could business possibly be what is he supposed to do come back and apologize no it's over

judging

so this is the point in the story where we discover that talia was not in fact dead No.

Somehow that makes it that actually

worst on the side.

She was just unconscious, but like deeply flax sliver unconscious.

And now

she was pregnant.

Okay.

And alone and still unconscious and somehow without any food or water.

But she still managed to gestate and then deliver twins.

a beautiful boy and an equally gorgeous baby girl while still unconscious, which you might imagine would be be a problem, except that some kindly fairies attended to the birth and stuck the babies on Talia's breasts to keep them alive.

But remember, babies are stupid.

So stupid.

So, so stupid.

And one of the babies mistook one of Talia's fingers for a nipple.

And the baby's sucking pulled the splinter from under Talia's nail, whereupon Talia awoke.

I feel like Bob Ross would call that a happy accident.

That is the least Bob Ross story ever.

All right.

So this has to be incredibly confusing now for Talia.

In her timeline, the last thing she would remember is touching an old lady's spinning wheel, and now she is topless and alone with a baby hanging off a titty and another one pointlessly sucking at her finger.

But Talia was a girl who rolled with the punches.

So she just shrugs, names the babies, one sun, one moon, and with the help of the fairies, they ordered DoorDash for her and they all didn't die

nor did the baby who just sucked down a fucking splinter so that's a neat trick too

so a few years passed and the king who raped a corpse and forgot about it remembered and he thought to himself jesus christ i wonder and he headed back to the house in the woods to see what was what with the dead girl that he banged a few years ago so imagine his shock when the girl not only wasn't a liquefied but possibly still fuckable stain Jesus Christ but was in fact alive and well and now with two toddlers and so I have to again just quote directly because editorializing from the original just

it's just not necessary so here's the quote he told Talia who he was and what had happened and how she had come to be a mother all unknowing and as they conversed they both realized they were forming a stronger bond of friendship and love And after a few days, when it came time for the young king to leave, he promised to return for her soon and bring her to his kingdom.

As he journeyed back, he found he was indeed desperately in love with Talia and his two children, and he could hardly sleep for thinking of them.

And when he did sleep, he called out their names in his dreams.

I can relate.

I call out to Italian beef sandwiches in my sleep.

So Cecil also fucks those sandwiches.

So he's all right.

Hey,

gotta order them.

I like them wet.

Now, obviously, Talia and the noble corpse raping king were meant to be, but

there was one problem.

The king was already married, and his wife was not thrilled with all the yelling out of Talia's name that he was doing in his sleep.

So the wife summoned the king's personal attendant, who she knew the king confided everything in, and she made him a deal.

She said he could tell her who the king's lover was and be granted riches beyond his wildest dreams, or he could keep his mouth shut and then be killed immediately.

This was not a tough choice, and the attendant ratted out his boss pretty much immediately.

Well, yeah, I mean, I feel like if your boss rapes corpses, that's going to affect company loyalty.

That's just

reasonable.

The handbook is weird at the end.

Yeah, man.

Yeah.

The workplace compliance PowerPoint, very strange.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, the king's wife then sent the attendant.

I don't feel like there's a right answer on this slide.

I'm sorry.

Can I turn down the benefits package?

I don't want the benefits package.

Jesus Christ.

How is Sleeping Beauty the worst episode we've ever watched?

I just don't understand how.

You know what, honey?

I love Citation Needed.

Let's listen to the Sleeping Beauty episode with the kids, huh?

I mean,

I know the boys tend to say an F-bomb now and then, but this is a kid story.

I think that we'll all have a lot of, let's listen to it on the way to your mother's, huh?

For Thanksgiving?

What are you saying?

Who wants to sing carols?

Am I right, kids?

Follow.

La la la la.

All right, so the king's wife then sent the attendant to Talia with a false note purporting to be from the king, saying that the king missed his children so much and imploring imploring Talia to send the children back with the attendant so the king could love on his kids.

Talia was just thrilled at the prospect of a little me time.

So she sent the kids off with the attendant and unknowingly into the arms of the king's furious betrayed wife.

I feel like a note asking for consent to take the kids would have been a total tip-off.

You know, the consent thing just

unbelievable.

That's not his style.

The queen, enraged at the beauty of the children, her husband sired with his mistress, took the kids to the kitchen.

She ordered the cook to kill the kids and prepare them as tasty dishes for the king's dinner.

And the cook agreed, but only because you do not tell your murderously unhinged boss no.

Instead of the whole murder carpaccio plan, the cook instead took the kids to his wife to hide them, and then he killed a couple of lambs to pass them off as broiled babies.

Okay, lambs, I feel like a discerning palate would able to tell.

Come on.

Yes.

Hold on a second.

Those aren't those kids' hooks.

Wait a minute.

So when the king comes down for dinner, the queen makes a big fuss about having a special meal prepared for him, and he tucks into his meal with great delight.

And again, I've got to quote directly here from the original because it's fucking nuts on like three different levels.

Quote.

Her joy knew no bounds, and she kept pressing him to eat more, saying, you are eating what is your own.

After she had said this several times, the king began to get annoyed with her, not knowing her insinuation.

And he finally said angrily, I know very well I'm eating what is my own because you brought nothing with you into this house.

And he got up and he stormed out, staying for several days in a nearby villa to get over his anger.

It's right next to the children's cemetery.

It's really quiet and peaceful.

She's

probably out there.

So the queen then sends for Talia herself, again, by presenting a letter pretending to be the love struck king.

For her part, Talia was equally love struck.

Somehow, even though the king sounds like, honestly, pretty much the worst possible human being imaginable.

Anyway, Talia is shocked when instead of meeting her beloved, she instead finds herself standing in front of the absolutely psychotically enraged queen who greets her with the delightful, quote, are you the whore who has been enjoying my husband?

Get ready to be welcomed in hell because you will soon be going there.

End quote.

Next year's Christmas card.

And then, and then, guys, Talia explains to the queen that, hey, I was literally magically unconscious when your husband impregnated me, but this does not move the needle at all for the queen who commands that Talia be thrown into a fire.

Okay, this is ringing a bell.

I've seen this episode of Maury.

Okay.

They should grow people who are on Mori into fires more.

I agree, Cecil.

This is a good shift you're proposing.

Atalia definitely does not want to be burned to death.

So she tries stalling for time, begging the queen to let her disrobe before being cast into the flames so that at least her beautiful clothes wouldn't be destroyed.

The queen had already decided that Talia was wearing some pretty great threads.

So she agreed.

At which point, Talia goes absolutely apeshit.

Very slowly, Talia begins to take off her clothes, but she did it in some kind of like

weird strip screaming style.

With every garment she removed, she wailed and moaned and screamed in fear louder and louder as she went.

I'm listening.

And eventually her screams made their way to the king, who was returning from his weird sulk that he had pouted off two days before.

How does she pull that?

She's like, the whole time she's like, what?

This is how I take my clothes off.

Do you guys not scream?

So the king walks into the room with his screaming, half-naked baby mama mistress and his furious wife, and he has plenty of audacity.

He demands to know what's happening.

Hear me out, ladies.

Threesome?

Okay, you look mad.

You look mad, but hear me out.

Napoleon, all have a glass of warm milk and talk about this?

So his wife then.

I disavow this episode.

I just want to, I want to.

You can't delock the podcast.

No,

we've talked about this.

So his wife then is like, well, you ate your fucking kids.

I'm about to burn your whore.

That's what's happening, you two-timey shithead.

And now is the king's turn to start weeping and wailing and freaking out.

And he cries out, quote, How could I have eaten my own sweet babes?

Why did my very veins cry out in recognition, you venomous evil woman?

How could you have done such a dreadful thing?

And then he remembers that it's mud times.

He's the king.

Everyone smells like shit.

And he commands that she be the one thrown into the fire.

Gotta throw that in there.

And also, same with his personal attendant, who's really fucked no matter what happens in this story.

And also, lastly, the cook.

Okay, I'm sorry, but given where we are politically as we record this, I don't think we're allowed to talk shit about medieval times.

Exactly.

All right, when they dragged out the cook to chuck him into the fire last, the cook cried out that this was some bullshit.

The kids were alive.

Maybe ask questions before just throwing people into fires.

And the king, buoyed by the idea that he might not have eaten his own children, allowed the cook to go and fetch the very much alive kids.

The king lost it again, but this time with joy, and he hugs and kisses the kids.

He rewards the cook.

He marries Talia.

And the story then ends with this line: which

fucking yikes.

This is the end of the story.

Quote:

The person who is favored by fortune has good luck even while sleeping.

What the fuck?

Because this is a story of Talia's good luck.

And if you had to summarize what you learned in one sentence, Tom,

what would it be?

If you're worried about the future, just remember the past was,

if not worse,

not better.

Yeah.

Oh no.

You ready for the quiz?

Sure.

Last one.

All right.

Tom, what movie borrows heavily from this fairy tale?

A

sex, paralyze, and video.

Oh, no.

At two, Cecilie.

Birth of a hibernation.

C-E.

Predator for D.

Good.

Air Force One.

Yay.

You got to read that one.

Air.

It's H.

Air, H-E-I-R.

That's great.

Yeah.

All right.

I've got a question for you, Tom.

Why did you make me know this?

You win.

A.

You win.

It's revenge for always taking, for me always talking to Cecil about football before the rewards.

B, it's revenge for making you know about Etruscans or C, because joy is dead.

And the the sooner we embrace that, the better off we're all gonna be.

All of the above, yeah,

yeah, all right, Tom.

It's obvious that Sleeping Beauty is not a good name for this story.

What should it have been called?

Hey, Sleeping Booty.

Some day my prince will come.

The Tumblr perverts get that one.

C,

diddler on the roofie or D?

Diddler on the roofie is so good, too.

Or D,

how to snooze a guy in 10 days.

Oh, dude, that's so good.

A and C are rock solid.

Those are so good.

I'm going with Diddler on the roofie, though.

That's so good.

It works twice.

That is correct.

Oh, I love it.

That's correct.

All right.

I win.

No, I want to.

I want Heath to do an essay.

All right, somehow.

All right.

Well,

more.

Noah, Heath, Tom, and Cecil, I'm Eli Bosnik.

Thank you for hanging out with us today.

We'll be back next week.

And by then, Heath will be an expert on something besides reattaching his penis to his body.

Between now and then, you can listen to our podcasts in all the podcast places.

And if you'd like to keep this show going, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash citationpod or leave us a five-star review everywhere you can.

And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect with us on social media, or check the show notes.

Be sure to check out citationpod.com.

You wanted to see me, Your Highness?

Yes.

Tell the people they can make spinning wheels again.

That bad fairy just summoned one, and my daughter totally got stabbed on it.

Oh, my God.

The fairy can summon spinning wheels?

Well, yeah, I mean, she's a fairy, of course.

Well, then, why did

you, you know what?

It's fine.

Fairies do magic, man.

No, I know that fairies do magic.

Seems like you don't.

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