Best of Creep Cast 2024

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So we're going to go get that.

But first, for this story,

I forgot to mention we have a little special guest tonight.

Coming in to help us read this very funny, funny story is someone who makes

good work.

Dare I say admirable work.

He's from this area, you know.

Have you guys seen the movie Hereditary or Midsummer?

Right?

If you don't know him, his name's Ari Astor.

And he's here to read Laughing Jack with us tonight.

Give him a round of applause.

That's not happening.

I think.

I would have to imagine Ari Astor has a lot of better things to do with at this time.

When we went inside the church, we saw that Kimber wouldn't have to do much acting to convince people she was having a breakdown.

We found her at the back of the room.

tucked into a chair and a puddle of curly orange hair and tears.

Kyle sat next to her and pulled her into a hug.

Kimber, what's wrong?

I kicked his foot and shot him a look that said, really?

Oh, God, that's right.

Yeah, I didn't think of that.

Kimber, your mom is just being put in the ground.

It's not a big, what's wrong, baby?

What's going on?

What's wrong?

Yo, what the hell?

Did you see that open casket?

You see that open casket?

Dude, your mom's bloated.

It's weird.

Bro, why does her body look like that?

She's all gross and and mangled.

Yo, her eyes look all buggy.

It's weird, Kimber.

What the hell's going on with you, though?

Is it your time of the month or something, Kimber, for real?

Is this how it's going to be?

You realize we have a plan today, right?

How are you going to fake crying if you keep this up?

Gosh, get it together.

Hey, baby, I know that it's, you know, I know that this is probably an act, but you need to get your game face on, okay?

We need to find that letter.

It's like, God, dude.

So, so oblivious throughout all of this story.

It's like, like, so just fucking oblivious.

I love it.

Walks into a funeral.

Then his girlfriend's mom died.

And he goes, what's wrong?

Bro, Kyle.

Jesus, Kimber, what's wrong?

Kyle is one of the boys.

He is the most dude pro

ever.

Especially he's just like viciously pulling up his like big ass pants and his like like oversized jacket.

He looks like he looks like that one talking head concert where they have like the giant suits on.

He's like, Kimber, what the hell is your problem?

Ladies, I want you to imagine that your mom dies, and then at your funeral, your boyfriend walks in wearing a suit that doesn't fit him and goes, what's wrong with you?

Especially I walked up.

Oh my God, what happened?

What?

What?

Someone die around here or something?

Oh my God, did someone else die?

Oh, it's just your mom?

Your psychopath mom?

Okay, well, what's wrong?

Oh, Hurt, you've had like three days to know about her.

Why are you crying over it now?

God, your mom jumped off the roof three days ago.

Get over it.

God.

I love the line.

I kicked his foot and shot him a look and said, Really?

And Kyle bit his lip and he said, ah, I mean, ah, fuck.

Just wait so listen.

I mean, ah, ah, fuck.

God damn it.

Kyle's like, stupid, stupid, stupid.

Yeah, exactly.

Oh, God, Kyle.

That's what he's doing.

He's hitting his head.

Why do you do this?

Kyle's my favorite.

Okay.

People's priorities are somewhere else in the small town.

Like, it just doesn't add up.

Yeah.

A classic Kyle line here would be like, well, maybe your mom was a bitch.

Maybe people just didn't like her, Kimber.

Could that be it?

Hey, Kimber, your mom was kind of a bitch, so she's like not that crazy.

So I don't know, baby.

I'm going to go get some cookies over there on the table.

I'll be back.

Yo, they got free drinks here.

Let's go.

Yo, Kimber.

Yeah, he's like across the deal.

Yo, Kimber, they got tea.

They got iced tea and cookies.

Do you want some?

I know you said it makes you bloated if you have it too early, but can you have it now?

I know you're worried about stretch marks, but if you want some chips ahoy, let me know.

I know you're like fat at all, but these are pretty good.

I guess you can have one.

He like takes out his iPhone and puts it in his pocket.

He's just playing Black and Yellow by Wiz Khalifa as loud as it possibly can go.

Yeah, uh-huh.

He's like, you know what it is, Black and Yellow, Black and Yellow.

Getting snacks and cold cuts at the table.

Everything I do, I do it, pig.

Just a kid.

Just a kid in the funeral, like, ah, you know what it is.

Like, not.

What would be more obnoxious?

A 16-year-old listening to Whiz Khalifa, black and yellow, or if it was Fetty Wab's Trap Queen,

as loud as you possibly can.

And

he has a Beats by Dre pill speaker in his back pocket.

It's not even on his phone anyway.

He like bought a legitimate Bluetooth speaker with him.

That's your girlfriend.

I can hide with my baby.

Y'all.

Your girlfriend's.

Yo, Kimber's dad.

The food here is kind of me, bro.

Yo, Kimber's dad, you shouldn't have got that shitty shitty-ass sandwich shop decatur.

This shit sucks.

Yo, your wife looks mad funny in that box, dude.

You didn't pay for that, did you?

She looks awful.

She looks like a weird clown, dude.

Tell me you did not pay for that.

Okay, you didn't?

Okay, cool.

What happened to her face?

Oh, yeah, the concrete.

That's right.

Well, you should have like put a mask on or something.

My god.

Yo.

Yo, who else thinks we should bring death masks back?

Anyone?

Meanwhile, just softly, I'm like, hey, what's up?

Hello?

Yeah.

I'm like, hey, what's up?

Hello?

Come into Pretty as soon as you came in the door.

You know how disrespectful it'd be to like go to an open casket, look inside, and you're just like, I've been cooking pies with my brother.

What?

I'm bored.

You want to listen to me?

Yeah, there you go.

Exactly.

What?

I'm bored.

I'm bored.

Hey, baby, this is really lame.

I'm going to get out of here.

And you guys have like an Oxcord or something?

Yeah, you guys got an Oxcord.

He actually doesn't even have it a button up on.

He just has one of those graphic Ts you find at

Target or Walmart.

It's like a fade.

Like I purposely faded it.

It's like a Sega, like a Sonic shirt for some reason.

It's like the shirt.

It's like the shirts that Jesse Pinkman would wear in Breaking Bath.

Like they've got like all the thrasher font that says, like, live and die.

Yeah, yeah.

It goes down to his knees.

Yeah, exactly.

Yo, I came here my Sunday's best.

Okay, where are you?

Yeah, yeah, so her mom's dead.

Kimber's mom's dead, I think.

She's dead.

That's all we need to know.

Yeah.

As we waited for the service to start, I can't detach the image of Kyle in the corner just eating all the sandwiches.

Way too many open chairs.

Like definitely there was like not a turnout they expected and there's just this fucking guy walking around the back.

What do you mean I can't play my music?

Who's gonna care?

All the people that aren't here?

Yeah, he's left.

He's listening.

Now he switches over.

He's like, fine, I won't play rap.

He puts on rev theory.

Hell yeah.

Give me a hell.

Give me a yeah.

Her mom would have loved to be Mountain State.

That shit's funny as fuck.

Oh my gosh.

he's just listening to like impractical jokers way too loud

yeah impractical joker joker's clips yo murr don't pants that little kid

geez guys i don't want to

and i would be ripped back into consciousness terrified for my entire child hold on to make it easier on us you want to alternate paragraphs Sure.

Sure.

Like substantial paragraphs.

Like if it's a sentence, then you do another one.

Sure, sure, yeah.

Yeah, that that way it's just more rhythmic or whatever.

Neither of us are losing our voice.

Because

we're in this for the long call.

This isn't a merit, this isn't a sprint.

It's a marathon, right?

We got to pace ourselves.

Yeah,

it's a classic, it's a classic tortoise in the hair kind of thing.

Exactly.

Very surprised who wins that race.

Look, I'm not saying I was there or anything, but from what I've heard, it got pretty wild.

From what I heard, it was a pretty good race, is all I got to say.

A lot of upsets that day.

All right.

Oh, we forgot the thing.

Thank you for the likes and everything on audio platforms.

Keep it up.

Thank you for the support on the show.

It means

that's true.

Let's get into it.

See, I remembered this stuff 100%.

Listen on Spotify.

Listen on Spotify.

Listen on Spotify.

Listen on Spotify.

Listen on Spotify.

Listen on Spotify.

Apple.

Apple.

Apple.

Apple Podcast.

Listen on the Spotify Apple Podcast.

Thank you.

There might be a strobing effect.

And if there's any epileptic people listening to this podcast, I want them far away.

If you have epilepsy, I want you dead right now.

Next merch drop.

That's what it's going to be.

It's a t-shirt that when it moves, it strokes.

Yeah, exactly.

It has an LED.

It's like this old

battery pack in the back of the car.

Our next merch drap is it's a flashlight that says creep cast and its only setting is like whatever the perfect tune is to cause seizures.

There you go.

It's just a flashlight.

I think that's good.

That's good quality merchandise is what I would say.

I'd buy it.

You know, know, cause some car wrecks.

Just stand on the side of I-75 and point at a tractor trailer as you go by.

I think it's a great idea.

Get arrested immediately.

When I get arrested, I'm just like,

it's merchandise?

Oh, my God.

I'd say lock him up, throw away the goddamn key.

And also, I like to think that I'm not the best looker, so I think I'm better to listen to, if I'm being honest.

Right?

A little deal?

No,

I see all the people dreamboating over you, dude, but I don't get that kind of thing.

I've seen some people dream boat over you.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, whatever, dude.

I sent you the fanatic that was talking about a certain kind of choo-choo train, if you know what I mean, that involved both of us.

All right, dude.

Okay, dude.

All right.

This is a four-part series here.

All right.

Zoom past it.

Okay, go ahead.

I was smaller and less energetic than most kids my age well they preferred to run around and play outside i chose to stay inside and read this look this sounds exactly like you this feels like

this feels like this young windigan

i prefer to stay inside and read okay i did do that because i was a wimpy kid i wasn't sickly but i was very small and i was also sheltered so i did read a lot so i know some

imposter stories well guess what all those guys who are outside playing they probably work at like staples now or cracker barrel or something something and guess who has a youtube channel so you know what

look at that chad it looks like the nerd gets the girl tired so check me out what i was laughing about while i was reading that is i imagined that that meme of the dragon that's like while you played your sports i studied the the literature

while you played your sports i studied literature

Yeah,

were you about to say something before?

Well, I was just saying, I imagine that you weren't a sick child, but I'd like to imagine you went to to the doctor and the doctor was like, his lips, they're far too fat, and they're only getting bigger.

I'm tired of this lip thing.

Do you know how many I've gotten so many DMs and comments about like

this guy?

This YouTuber is really cool.

I wish I could see him over the lips swell up.

Like, their description of me is just like a giant pair of lips.

And it's gotten to a ridiculous degree.

And I'm kind of tired of it, honestly.

So

I can't stand you.

Anytime you say something to me, my comments are that for a week straight.

So stop.

Okay, all right.

Fine.

I hopped in my car and texted Kyle that I was off work.

He answered immediately and told me to come meet him.

I happily whipped my apron off over my head and threw it in the car into reverse.

Crystal Lake was my favorite place in all of drisking.

I had to park almost.

Isn't Crystal Lake the name of the Fred of the Camp Crystal Lake, yeah?

Okay, yeah, yeah.

I thought so, just making sure.

Yeah.

How funny would it be if we're like complimented the whole time and then it just turns up?

It's just Jason Verde

is the skin man taking people off.

You know, what if that's what it was?

It's like Jason just becomes a slasher for like none of the character setups matter or anything.

Just

beautiful, beautiful, beautiful writing, all for it to be a Friday the 13th fanfic.

Bro, that would be hilarious.

That'd be such a good break.

It would be a pretty good way to figure out what

even if it's not Friday the 13th, like it gets to the end of the story story, and it's just like, um,

and then a creature appeared.

The creature appeared and killed everyone.

Like, you just like run it into the turret.

I'd sometimes get up to piss or get something to drink, and I can remember just going back to sleep on the bottom bug.

My god, I'm having a stroke.

It's okay, Grandpa.

So, if you hit control and the mouse wheel, the words are.

I need to zoom in.

I need to zoom in.

Sonny, I'm sorry.

They're bigger, Grandpa.

You don't have to squint so hard.

It's easy to read now.

This would happen once or twice a week.

One of the detectives wants to drop by later.

Says he.

Oh, sorry.

Says he has some.

Oh my God.

Let me restart that.

Sorry.

One of the

okay.

First line.

Nari did great.

One of the detectives wants to drop by later.

Says he has some more investigating to do.

God, I know.

I'm sorry.

I'm not laughing.

I'm sorry.

That was the worst.

No, it's funny was your recovery of it because you're like, God, stupid, stupid.

Like, idiot.

Idiot.

You know what?

So this is the dad.

You know what?

Fuck it.

I'm giving him a bat.

What if the detectives want to drop by later?

Says he has some more investigating to do.

That's what you get.

That's what you viewers get for making me feel so bad about messing up that first line.

My first thing.

No, no, Hunter.

you are

you've done that this hell you're in was constructed by you never ever no no it is that's forever the dad's voice i don't care what it does to the story that is the dad's voice moving forward

what if it becomes like a very dramatic like series well then it's gonna get very awkward very quickly What if the detectives wants to drop by?

Says he has some more investigating to do.

All I'm doing.

Okay, the audience is in here right now.

This is a recording.

All that I did was laugh at your recovery.

You taught yourself into memeing the dad.

I'm in my own health.

Okay.

I'm in my own health.

Alright, as long as we acknowledge who did it.

Yeah,

I did it.

I did it.

After going public with the case and the sharing the paintings in hope of saying

of saving someone.

Uh, fuck, hold on.

Of saving anyone that may be depicted.

The police received three photos in the mail.

All of them are so titled.

that'd be a great public like uh like a copy the way you got midway through that and like panicked like nope oh shit fuck the falling footage okay private investigating sean kane have been helping police to locate victims connected to several paintings oh boy looks constipated

the last body he found before his disappearance was the body of tom harris The killer had been climbed or been fuck the killer had climbed

the killer had climbed

the stumbling

climb up to the third floor and entered Tom's apartment through his bedroom window.

What is with the hold on pause real quick.

What is with you like anytime you have to read text normally it's impossible but if you're playing a role you could read an encyclopedia

I don't know it's like it's like you're not into a brain mode where you're just

perfect.

I feel like I might be unless you're playing a character then it goes away.

Yeah, I don't know.

Maybe that's just because I read things in like when I'm voice acting I had to read scripts and that's the only time I read.

Maybe who knows?

You're playing a character without dyslexia.

Yeah, it just goes a character who doesn't have dyslexia.

Perfect.

Do you think anything happens that they don't know about?

He looked back towards the building, a look of sadness and fear in his eyes.

Hell, for all I know, you've already killed.

You've already killed us both.

Let me restart that.

Fuck!

Hell, for all I know, you've already killed both of us.

I've already fucked it up again.

Hell, for all I know, you've already killed us both.

Fuck!

God damn it!

There.

My eyes are so shit, I can't read anything.

Hunter's adapted the role of the aging bald man so well.

It's glaucoma sound.

I need weed.

Lots of it.

I'm pretty sure it's run by some government agency.

And I know they're investigating they're I know they're investing.

Fuck!

I know they're investing a lot of money and time into it.

But for what reasons?

That, I'm not so sure.

Why would they choose Thomas?

I guess that's probably the mystery now.

Why him, but still.

I know.

I can't fucking read for shit.

God damn it, dude.

I'm so fucking mad about this.

The way you said that was like it was in character.

Like she got stumbled and like transformed into a grown man for a second and then went back.

I need to take some kind of class to help with this.

This is fucked.

He continues.

The old farmhouse belonged to Dr.

Wentz.

He was the guy that I'm sure you've heard of about.

I'm sure you've heard about who used to go.

I'm like, good fucking God, Hunter.

Get it together.

Good.

My God.

God.

That old farmhouse belonged to Dr.

Wentz.

He was the guy I'm sure you've heard about.

Who used to do botched abortions and all sorts of inhumane procedures back in the 1800s.

He's the guy the rich went to when they had young daughters getting knocked up, when they had special needs children they didn't want to keep.

God damn.

He built the house himself and even named the road Patch Lane as a joke with all the patching he did for people.

I'm just laughing

at you.

Because it sounds like the cop, like midway through, is like, get it together.

Come on

Tell the rookie about the abortion doctor

Who's to cut up dogs

He called every Mexican person he saw a Chihuahua.

He was horribly insensitive

Welcome back to Cream Crew.

Oh my god wrong show

Leave it.

Leave it.

Don't touch it.

Please don't.

Don't touch it.

Please.

People will be so mad at me.

Please, please don't.

No, no, no, no.

I refuse.

I refuse.

We're keeping it.

There was such confidence.

You were so ready for that one.

Please, for the love of God, do not keep that.

That was so good.

Oh, my gosh.

Hello, everybody.

Welcome to Cream Crew.

The show

that the other podcast said, Hunter doesn't care about it.

Welcome to Cream Cab.

Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.

I'm sick.

Leave me alone.

Also, I want to say fucking Acap, dude.

I think every cop in the United States is a fucking coward, and I hate the cops.

Thank you.

Thank you, King.

That's only brave opinions on this podcast.

You know what I think?

I think if you have a problem, deal with it.

Calling somebody else to fucking clean up your mess.

Am I right?

It was especially funny because as soon as you said deal with it, the connection cut.

Like you got raided.

The moment you said that.

Yeah, SWAT team just raids in and just beats the shit out of me.

FBI, my dude.

It's pretty easy to repel in on your set.

Get up!

That'd be great.

Maybe you think one of them would stick around to finish the podcast with me?

That'd be friendly.

You know what?

No, because they're all so fucking stupid that they wouldn't be able to read.

Yo, we can blink and cut any of this.

No, you're not.

You're sure.

Go ahead.

No, no, no.

Go ahead.

We're having fun.

Okay, I'm going to read this story now.

10:34 to dispatch.

Dispatch, go ahead.

It looks like this house is abandoned.

I think the 9-11...

I think the 9-1-1 hangup.

It's a 9-11.

Sorry, guys.

Sorry.

It's always on my mind.

I apologize.

I think that the 9-1-1 hangup might have been some wires crossed.

Clearly, no report.

10-4.

Sorry, I'm just taking a moment of silence.

Yeah, I mean, every day in my life, yeah.

Oh, may

see

graves,

how sweet

the sound

that has saved

two towers

from

me.

I once

was

lost,

but now

I am bound.

I just wanted to pay a little homage, is all I want to do the whole thing.

I appreciate it.

You know,

between this bit and the ACAB opening, we are going to get destroyed.

See, I'm really, I'm really getting

our Texas boys.

I'm really

emotionally tugging.

People don't know where I stand.

So that's what that's, that's the, yeah, that's the, that's the great emotional.

They're all over the place.

Yeah, exactly.

People are like, who does he?

What does he stand for?

Hey, regardless of what's going on, you're just rooting for the little guy.

I'm always an underground guy.

And here's another thing, too.

I will do stolen valor.

That's another thing I will do this.

I will do that.

You will see me do that in my lifetime, and I will get caught.

I respect that.

I respect that.

Yeah, like teachers who actually care about their work and put themselves into it can have such a profound effect on kids.

Oh, absolutely.

You also had a very mature response to that because remember one time we watched, I think it was Gone with the Wind, and it's the part where the woman rides the horse and dies, and our teacher was crying, and the entire class was just laughing at her.

I mean, without

hesitation, I think the woman says, just like Paul, and my teacher's like tearing up and crying.

And we're just like, I mean, like, hysterically laughing.

It's like,

could not be polar, more polar opposite to your story.

okay i i you know what without comment let's continue come sit down steph the food's ready ordered my sister the sight of the seasoned meat causing me to salivate i thought that was the dad's line for a second so i did too yeah i saw the idea of the boy let me read

that no that you have to leave it the debt this the boy being like come sit down steph a six-year-old boy come sit down step the food's ready the chicken activated puberty i just gained another ball.

That's the fourth one this week.

That's testicular torsion, if I've ever seen it.

She pulled herself from the floor.

Why are you showing me all of this?

If you really are a detective and part of the police force, you'd lock stuff like this away behind 10 locks and keys.

What a weird thing to say.

I don't mean 10.

Why specifically 10 locks and keys?

I've got to put the kid here.

That's like a 12-year-old statement.

You put, I don't know, 10 locks on that?

Like a high number.

You'd put this stuff in Daigon Alley.

It just makes pop culture reference.

You'd have to catch this with the Infinity Gauntlet.

What is this place?

What do you mean?

It's where wizards and wizards go.

Oh, I've never heard of such a place.

Oh, Marcus, you crazy little, crazy little goose.

What is this?

Some kind of horcrux?

Yeah, she's like, what is this?

A whore crux you have here?

Yeah.

It has like a deathly hollows ankle tattoo.

Well, this is this is actually

a 32-year-old woman.

I guess this creature sure was up to no good, huh?

I bet he solemnly swore it.

Marcus is like,

I'm begging you to please stop.

I don't understand what you're doing, but I know it's a reference to to something and I don't care.

What the hell is a Hufflepuff?

What the hell do you mean, Hufflepuff?

Man, Marcus, whatever this thing was, it's a raven.

It's a Slytherin for sure.

Yeah, well, I better not.

I hope Sarah didn't find the sorting hat down there.

Who knows what house she would have been in?

Okay, well, I'm going to keep playing these recordings of it, like this crazy deity attacking your stepsister.

The references don't even make sense it's like wow i sure do feel like a malfoy about this like it's just

man this sure is hagrid marcus you're giving off hagrid energy did you know that

you're being so haggard right now you better watch your tone is what he says man this is serious so serious it's black did you like that pun

marcus he's already gone he's He's in his car driving away down the road.

The creature from the creature crawls in the house and is just like, I was going to do a bunch of stuff, but.

I had like this whole four-part series planned out.

I was going to do a bunch of stuff.

I had this whole thing playing with the lights.

They were going to go out and I was going to pit around.

I was going to do a bunch of stuff, but I can't be bothered.

Him and Marcus drive away together, the creature and Marcus.

It's, I don't know, a ghost,

a demon, a skinwalker?

Hey, dude.

What is this?

Some kind of creepcast?

I've been listening to a lot of creepcasts, and these are just some suggestions that I have.

What are we?

Some kind of suicide squad?

Yeah,

maybe the entity has a, I don't know, some kind of cave where he goes and impregnates tons of people.

I don't know, right?

Marcus is like, what the hell are you talking about?

You know, it's funny.

I didn't know what you were talking about for a second.

I'm like, cave and pregnate?

And then I'm like, oh, wait, I did that.

Yeah, that was

me.

A slight tumor grows in the back of your head and it's just like, Baraska.

Yeah, yeah, it just, it follows me around, yeah.

See, now that I was able to pass on the curse to you all, and specifically you, Hunter, I just have pleasant memories of Baraska.

What a nice little story.

Psychopath.

yeah psychopath yeah

marcus seems surprised by that he pushed the cigarette away from his that's kind of funny marcus seems surprised by that but you mean by him saying a skinwalker marcus seems surprised you have the detectives like what do you think happened to your sister and the boy's like i think a skinwalker caught her

hmm it's like okay surprising i don't know why you thought that but I was just gonna say someone you know pretended to be your mom what are you talking about like I don't know just probably a guy who broke into your house, but okay.

Yeah, home invasions are pretty common.

What is a skin walker?

I know Clancy's a kid, but there's still no level of Clancy.

Like, there's the whole, wait, where do you know about skin walkers or whatever?

But I mean...

Like, even when I was a kid jumping to supernatural conclusions, if an adult went along with me, I'd be like,

what?

Yeah, yeah.

I'd be like, what the fuck, really?

Like, hold on,

I was talking about a movie I watched the other night.

What are you doing?

Yeah.

I'm Marcus.

I'm Marcus.

Yes, it is a ghost.

Yes, Clancy.

I'd be like, you seem like a very irresponsible adult.

I shouldn't have a parent right now.

Where's my dad at?

Oh,

he's a werewolf.

I should call the police.

The police are zombies or something.

They're all plant people.

They're all plant people.

It's just me and you, child.

It's just me and you, Clancy.

Against the world.

Now, do you want me to show you you where vampires come from

uh

no

all right then i guess i'll play the next recorder

or like or clancy's like you mean transylvania marcus leans forward he's like now how did you know

Where did you find out about those?

Who the hell told you that it's like

clan is like this is just like hogwarts marcus is like dear god

good

god

you're not a wizard are you

like what marcus is just an equally delusional old man who like also thinks media is real

we're gonna need to call nick fury on this one like he's just

you have to say you have to be your girlfriend's father exactly it's a a great idea.

You puff out your chest and you say, you don't even realize the fucking wolf pack you just brought in on you, buddy.

That's what you say.

And I go to his ear.

I go to his earlobe, and I do,

just like that.

I'm like, you want to take this outside?

You'll see how soft these hands when they're fucking meeting your face, asshole.

That's what you should have said.

The very first time I met my dad,

my wife's dad,

he got up and he shook my head.

I said, sit back down.

I said, sit back down, old man.

Let me get a look at you.

Is what I said.

I'm like, I scoffed at him.

I did,

yeah, that'll do.

So I said, I walked off.

And did, did you ever see him again, or did you kidnap your wife?

Or how did that work?

Oh, yeah.

No, we're really good buddies now.

He learned his place.

He learned his place in the wolf pack.

He's my pup.

He learned his place in the wolf pack.

Yeah, he's one of my pups.

I cannot wait to meet your parents and in-laws.

I have so much to tell them.

Oh, gosh.

They're going to be like, oh, you mean, they call him, they're like, oh, you mean Ezekiel?

Because that's my dog name they're like what about my dog name yeah that's my pup name it's my alpha name

ezekiel

you better not catch me on a full moon dude that's all i gotta say

i'm gonna keep reading though i went to the website it's one of those bot chatting programs i think it's best if i just let the conversation speak for itself hello hello who is this and how are you able to control my computer?

Who am I?

Right.

Forgot you're a bot.

Do you really think that?

Listen, I know whoever's screwing with my computer can see my screen right now.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah.

And I'll wager that you're one of those IT kids who thinks he's tough shit.

You know what you're doing right now is illegal, right?

Is it?

No shit.

Are you familiar with the terms invasion of privacy?

Get off my computer, kid.

I am your computer.

Cool story.

Anyway, I'm calling DPS.

You picked a bad time to screw with me, kid.

I should wait until you played a game again.

What is this voice?

Why are you

clever, bot?

What makes you think that this text-to-speech program is like, oh, I just do it your boy?

Like, should I wait until you played the game?

Okay, whatever.

I'm just gonna keep going.

What?

The game.

Major's mask.

Yeah.

How did you know about that?

Because.

Because what?

I did it.

Did what?

I played with you.

What the?

What?

Were you scared?

Who is this?

Big.

The statue.

You're inside my computer now?

Yeah.

How?

You collected me.

If you're so powerful, why use a ridiculous website like this to chat with me?

That's messy.

More structured.

Fun.

Fun?

Yes.

Tradition.

I like that.

You think it's funny?

Amusing.

And my notes?

You may write them down.

Why are you letting me?

It is amusing to see what you think of me.

Window closes.

You want to explain what that voice was you were doing?

It's chat bot, dude, or clever bot.

I've never heard clever bot.

Does it sound like that?

Yeah.

Shut up.

I hate you.

I'm in the middle.

We are at the end of this story.

We're going to keep going.

Okay.

Bid called me to Cle.

Are you bored?

I'm not bored.

I just know that you're going to derail this.

I just know you're going to derail this.

He tells me.

Anyway, we're back to Cleverbot.

What is it?

What's the point of playing?

I die whenever I do anything.

You die because you can't figure out the secret.

What?

Symbolic.

What are you talking about?

The beauty in your suffering.

I can't, bro.

Part of it's exacerbated by you, admittedly, but

exacerbated Exacerbated by my question, she said.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

Why don't you just tell them about the goddamn balloons if they're so interested?

That's very aggressive.

That's super bad, man.

Okay, maybe you're imagining she's maybe

she's sitting there smoking.

She's sitting there like smoking.

She's like, Why don't you just tell them?

Why don't you just talk about the goddamn balloons if they're so interested?

It's like, hey, mom, my story did pretty well on this subreddit.

She's like, who cares?

Do you have a wife yet?

A job?

Yeah, when are you going to move out of this damn house?

You and your shark pull float have been here for 30 years.

Shark pull float.

Get out of my house.

When you play a character, you're temporarily possessed by that character.

I followed him to a black Jeep sitting at the edge of the parking lot.

We jumped in just as a loud bang echoed across the asphalt.

God only knows what it meant.

J.

Hunter.

Huh?

Hunter.

What?

Just read the sentence at the end of this paragraph.

The beginning chords to highway to hell blasted from the speakers.

Hell yeah, dude.

What?

Are we doing punks?

Way to hell.

Yeah, I will say, this is to where I'm like, this isn't cute.

This is just, I'm like, this is the cringe, is building up like beads of sweat on my face.

Okay, maybe, maybe, maybe we now, maybe part three is supposed to.

Maybe it's like Army of Darkness.

Oh my god, wait.

Why not?

I shrugged as I turned it up.

Okay, okay, okay.

It doesn't always move like that.

It sometimes travels on another plane.

I can't explain it.

Everything changes and warps around that thing.

Even time.

That's why I'm about eight years older than I should be.

I gotta explain every single fucking thing to you, by the way.

In the first couple parts of the story, we mentioned how time changes around it.

And it has been mentioned twice now that I am significantly older than you.

So the audience cannot put those two factors together.

So I will now explicitly say that I am precisely eight years older than I should be due to time differences created.

Are you in there?

Who want to make

a sweet

out of winter?

Just give us good!

I'm gonna take you down!

I'm gonna

take

a break!

Shoot the game!

to go into the enemy.

Shoot it down.

And I'm late.

Shoot the chicken.

So that is is going on on the speakers blaring and the guy's like

yeah, but that's even why he doesn't really travel like we do.

Also

That's why I'm eight years older.

She's like right

that makes sense.

Thanks for explaining that.

We better get to deepwood fast.

I can't take this anymore.

Benny, come here.

Come up here.

Okay.

I was caught

in the middle of the railroad track

Thunder

That I

do there with your catty back?

Thunder!

And I grazed!

Hello, God!

What could I do?

Thunder!

Did I do?

There was no help!

No help from you!

Thunder!

We're not gonna do that!

We're not gonna do that!

I just wanna get to the point where I say, stupid!

Don't destroy!

yeah

yeah the whole time is she sitting there and she's just like you've been you've never shut the trapdoor

just behind her oh wow

I didn't realize until halfway through us singing Highway to Hell that we switched into shoot to thrill.

Yeah, I couldn't remember the lyrics to Highway to Hell, so I just went to Shoot the Thrill.

Okay.

I didn't think too much of it at the time.

I figured it was probably a kid from one of the other houses trying to mess with me, so I took it off the door and tossed it in the fireplace.

Oh, God.

Why?

Oh, God.

First off, you're contradicting yourself because he's like, yeah, everyone's pretty much gone because of the season.

And now he's saying that there's children?

It's probably one of the random evil children across the lake.

Well, I don't want their gifts, so I'm going to burn it.

Don't don't burn the artifact, dude.

Rule one.

I think we can establish that with all the stuff that we've read and everything so far.

If you ever find something like this, I would say just don't even touch it.

Don't mess with it.

Like rule one, right?

Well, look, all I'm saying is every forest that I know, every self-respecting forest has the pagan child, right, that runs

through the forest and

I suppose burning their gifts is

an appropriate response.

I always just kept them, just like put them up in my house.

I thought they were cool.

But first off, it's like, where did you find the twigs and twine?

Yes, you can find the branches places, but to even go to the store and purchase twine,

I don't know that person.

And I don't,

I would have to be completely disconnected with it.

We got to keep continuing because

Let's put it this way.

Let's put it this way, right?

Let's take a step back and kind of observe the story so far.

This person's a grad student.

We'll call him Greg.

Greg is a grad student, right?

So he's like, he's going through school, probably doesn't have that much money.

Maybe like...

Not really a strained relationship with his mom, but not enough that his mom's willing to talk about her father, right?

So

he's probably not that well off.

And then he's suddenly gifted a house that he could probably sell for like a quarter million, right?

Countryside, nice house, stuff like that.

Oh, dude.

So beautiful piece of property.

He can't just walk away from that, right?

He has to do something.

Absolutely can.

I want to go on a limit.

Here's something too.

And

we're getting too far off the story, but I want to say this.

If a family member, a grandpa of mine that I've never met and has no relationship to me whatsoever gave me property and it's free money and I'm like, hey,

where do I sign to sell this?

Is what I would say immediately.

I have no personal ties to this, right?

And also to assume that you're a grad student and you want to live in the middle of nowhere on a lake.

Are you kidding me?

Yeah, right, dude.

That's all I got to say.

Okay.

Well, I'm going to be sympathetic for at least he hasn't lost me at this moment.

At this moment,

he's lost you.

To you, he's he's chum.

He's sharkbait.

Who cares?

He sharkbait.

He sharkbait Wendigoon because here's the or Isaiah is the, here's the thing Isaiah is on your you're like hey, it's really beautiful out here and then you come back Let's just say it's the third day you've been there and there is a Blair Witch Project artifact on your door It's not even like hey, I've lived here for a year.

I'm settled, right?

That's a different story.

That's a totally different story.

He's so Greg is so new to this.

It's unbelievable Unbelievable.

And then he burns it.

He's a dunce.

He's a goon.

I don't respect Greg already.

We got to continue i'm sorry listener i'm sorry that's all i got i i i i have nothing i have nothing but hate in my heart okay well now now out of necessity i have to be a greg defender

that's fine because if we both if we both hate him this is just gonna be mean so i've gotta come to his aid

you have to wear that cross i have to bear that cross yeah okay so the guy who rightfully so burned the pagan artifact says right

by the next morning i'd pretty much forgotten about it Okay, he's lost me.

After that sentence, he's lost me.

What do you mean you forgot about it?

Well, by the next morning, I didn't think about the children making demonic triangles and putting them on my door.

No, no, I can't.

I can't.

I can't do it.

I can't do it.

I have to stay on his train.

I'm Greg DeFinray.

Okay.

I would forget about it too, I guess.

All right.

I thought about getting in my car and just going home, but I felt like that would get me in trouble.

There's all sorts of property tax stuff I don't understand.

I felt trapped.

Okay,

can leave

You can leave the house and still play pay property taxes if that's your issue

if anything It's like

he is predominantly young, right?

Like a college grad so you could be like I mean, I don't know what's going on.

I mean, I guess

Do the property tax, am I allowed to leave if I owe money on the plane?

That feels outlandishly stupid to me.

That feels like, what are you talking about?

I feel like that would be, get me in trouble.

There's all sorts of property tax stuff.

I don't understand.

I felt trapped.

Okay, Greg.

Sure, Greg.

Whatever you say.

Sure, Greg.

It is getting across the idea that Greg's kind of dumb.

Yeah, well, he's burnt pagan artifacts and now he feels he can't leave his house because he owes property.

Okay, a lot of dumb, not kind of dumb.

Yeah.

I don't think he'd make any noise.

He's a silent lover.

Yeah.

Just like he would barely move at all.

Damn!

Slender Man makes you do all the work.

He probably just stands there and like looks down.

Okay, I know.

He just stands there and looks down.

Yo, Slender Man, you freaky with it.

All right, 29.

If entry 29 doesn't have slender man

slender man looking down in the next room i'm gonna be very upset

what i wouldn't give to hear a woman be like yeah slender man give it to me

you stay still you stay still and you let me do all the work

That's got you hung up, doesn't it?

Do you expect Slender to be a good lover?

i kind of imagine i imagine him being passionate this big ass long finger i expect him to be emotional

and off-putting are you okay

of course of course jessica's taking back shots from slender man dude creepy hey so you've been pounding in your wall for the past seven and a half hours he's like what but then you told me your job was being relocated what is going on I don't have to fucking tell you anything, dude.

These two absolutely insane people.

Yeah, exactly.

Two people visited by the Hatman religiously, and now they're like, stop lying.

Well, maybe, maybe they're taking turns having these

paranoid fits.

Isaiah, what if, so what if Jay is perceiving that Jessica's getting back shots by

the Hat Man, and then she's just hearing Tequila all night from his room?

She's like, oh my God, he's back at it.

All All night.

Yeah, exactly.

That's why they both fucking hate each other.

It's like 3.30 in the morning and she just hears,

and then him is just a slow fucking slender man the whole time.

So they're both just like insomnia-ridden monsters, basically.

That's why each of them keep coming to the other one.

Exactly.

Like, stop.

Exactly.

That's why they're so on edge around each other.

Hey, fuck you.

That song sucks.

He's like, what are you even talking about?

I mean, mean i don't i haven't even listened to kila in i don't know 45 minutes also just like i'll say this i know at least a dozen guys who would commit unspeakable crimes for jessica just like

she just has the just the phenotype that in absolutely insane men would kill themselves over

I can't explain that in a rational way, but someone knows what I'm talking about.

Tokila.

So I'm walking around the car with my night vision on, like, there's nothing out here.

There's absolutely, I can see everything.

There's nothing.

Put the helmet on, see for yourself.

And she was like, I'm just scared.

So we set up with her crying until sunrise and then drove home.

So, oh my God.

That is brutal.

You would have been so fucked up if you would put the night vision on.

You're like, oh, my God, what is that?

Oh, God, what is that?

It's horrible.

It's horrible.

No, what I should have done is I would have been like, I'll go find it.

And then I just don't come back.

Yeah, don't come back.

You come back the next morning with like Dunkin' Donuts or something.

Babe, I just decided to go walk and get donuts.

Hope they don't mind.

Dude, she's just like fossilized in the car from being so afraid.

Dude, she would have.

I think she would have divorced me.

I think 100%.

Yeah, I picture my wife.

Yeah, there's no way.

I would have been up shit creep for sure.

Yeah, fuck.

What the?

What the hell?

That's my fucking voice.

I I knew this one would get you.

Come on, dude.

Come on.

Marcus answered with a half-grin.

I knew this one would get to you.

It's like, I imagine if I had like Will of Defoe's Green Goblin, like, yes, use your hatred.

I knew this one would get to you.

Only fools are heroes, Clancy.

I knew this one would get to you.

Marcus answered

with a half grin.

Or well,

get to you more than the others.

I just don't know why he's being so coy.

He's being so coy.

In spite of everything you've done for her, eventually she will hate you.

Eventually she will hate you, clancy

in this world it's drip or drown spider-man

so what are you

marcus didn't let me finish he pushed my hands away from the phone screen and hit play on the recording interrupting me

I'm sorry.

So what are you?

He's like, oh, in due time.

We are meeting the guy.

I know.

I'm still recording.

Come on, dude.

I was laughing, but he's like, so what are you?

Like,

in my head,

he's got like a duster on that's like flowing in the wind.

I'm a motherfucking angel.

Exactly.

That's exactly what I was thinking.

Like, all right, here we go.

I am he.

He who walks between the here and the there.

I am like,

like, 2000s

2000s FX, like,

action movie dialogue, you know, like Hellboy.

God,

it does.

I admitted, feeling the color in my face draining little by little as I listened.

Given enough time to learn, that thing could be a top predator.

And let me guess.

You can't let that happen.

Oh, my God.

Oh yes.

Yes.

Oh my gosh.

I dude.

That was dude.

This is bordering on like, do we even...

Do we like we I'm down to read the until the end of part one, but this is getting unbelievable.

This is tragic.

Out of all the things we've read so far, this is like, come on.

And we can't let that happen.

And let me guess.

You can't let that happen.

Oh, oh my god.

We can't let that happen.

All in due time, I replied and pushed play on the recording.

What is this?

What is this?

Oh,

oh my gosh.

Again, if this isn't, to those listening, if this doesn't,

like, if you don't realize why this is so funny, the dialogue goes, it is a kid who just met this man who keeps saying stuff like, it's a predator, one that can't be stopped, one too powerful.

And the guy goes,

it could be a top predator.

And the kid goes, and let me guess.

You can't let that happen.

And then the guy goes, we can't let that

Like, it's the most.

But you see here, Clancy is taking control and he says, all in due time.

No!

He's mimicking Marcus.

The kid!

The kid who just found out that his sister's

a full-grown X-Files detective man is having this kind of camaraderie with what we assume to be a 15 or 16-year-old child.

All in due time.

And he's like, huh, that's right, Clancy.

Yeah, the kid, after hearing all this, hearing that his sister burned to death a few days ago, was killed by a skimwalker, the kid's like, all in due time,

bro.

It's it's the most like Disney dialogue.

She does to her message.

I cannot wait.

She does get it.

I cannot wait to where she's like, she pours her.

She's like, How I'm going to kill this monster, you're asking.

Well, that's simple.

I'm going to douse myself in chemicals and gasoline, light myself on fire, and tackle it.

You're like, why would you do that?

The way you said that.

Well, that's simple.

Like it's like it's a TikTok DIY video.

She literally begins her last thing she said with, the current plan is simple.

I just like, I just like, it's like, so long as it dies here.

And then even

Clancy's like, My God, Sarah.

The voice doesn't answer her, but instead skitters away from the door frantically.

Sarah takes one final breath and the sound of a match being struck is heard loud and clear.

Oh my god.

Get fucked.

I'm in hell.

Imagine also, imagine, here's the thing too, dude.

Here's the thing, and I really want you to take this into consideration.

They are not seeing any of this.

They are hearing this on a recorder, on a phone.

So you just hear like,

get fucked.

They didn't line up no matter which angle I went at it from.

All that we know for certain right now is that someone died in a fire.

So, monster hunter, huh?

Yes!

They did it!

They did the whole...

What are we?

Some kind of suicide squad.

They did it.

They literally did it.

What are you?

Some kind of monster hunter?

Yes!

Oh,

oh gosh, this is the greatest.

This is my favorite thing we've read on Creepcast.

This is the best.

This blows pin pals out of the water.

This blows Veronica out of the water.

This is so good.

I can't.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Look, I asked after a few moments of heavy silence.

Pretty much.

Marcus answered.

I'm the only one that call when shit gets spooky.

And let me tell you, this shit is very fucking spooky.

Hold on, let me get back to my chair.

Let me get back to my chair.

Hold on.

Oh, my God, dude.

Listen.

Pretty much, Marcus answered.

I'm the only one they call when shit gets spooky.

Let me tell you.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Where are you at?

Dude,

I thought you were joking.

No, I wasn't looking at the screen.

So when you said I'm the one they call when shit gets spooky, I thought you were making that.

Is a legitimate this is this is quotes pretty much Marcus answered.

I'm the only

one they call when shit gets spooky.

And let me tell you, this shit is very fucking spooky.

Look, kid,

it's like I told you time and time again tonight.

I can't force you to do anything, but consider it, okay?

As he said that, no,

no, don't make me read this next phrase.

As he said that, he pulled out a business.

Oh, my God!

He pulled out a business card for the monster hunters!

My note was something like this.

Hi, you found my balloon!

My name is Blank, and I attend Blank Elementary School.

You can keep the balloon, but I hope you write me back.

I like Mighty Max, exploring, building forts, swimming, and friends.

What do you like?

Write me back soon.

Here's a dollar for the mail.

On the dollar, I wrote four stamps.

It was in quotes, I had to do it.

You were so excited.

Oh, that's great.

All right.

He wrote that.

I know close family nearby.

Sorry, you know what I would say to my mom if she was on her diet.

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

Let's write a joke.

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

It's not a joke.

Okay.

All right.

Never mind.

No, say it.

No, I was just going to say,

I was going to go to her and say, I love you.

And you robbed me of my happiness when I was a child.

And I hope you burn in hell.

You, you tired old goat, is what I would say to my mom.

You tired old goat.

I was trying to think, what would be the most insulting thing you just say to someone who's about to die?

I feel like calling them a tired old goat has got to, it's got to hit hard.

What?

You sheepish, you sheepish-looking human being.

Hey, Hunter, who do you want to die first?

Your mom or your dad?

Yeah, probably my dad.

You were way too ready for that.

I like my mom more.

What am I supposed to do?

Oh my gosh.

I was expecting like some level of like, yeah, like cause or like, oh no, why would you rather whatever you're like?

If I had to choose between the two, I mean, it's going to suck when they both go, but I'd definitely probably save me with my dad.

I'd been morosely.

looking at job listings for the last few days, but this was the first one that stood out, if only because I was bored and it was weird.

So I sent an email.

Oh, actually, did you see the?

It has the email here.

What?

The email is actually listed, windagoon at youtube.com.

Oh, okay.

Yep.

Yeah, that's how emails work.

I put

at youtube.com, which everyone knows when you make a YouTube account, you just go ahead and make your domain youtube.com.

It's true.

Oh, oh, oh, what's this?

Hold on, hold on.

We have, we have the name of the woman who's trapped in a room.

It is Hunter Hancock.

Now, isn't that strange that's a weird hunter hancock's horror mother

at gmail.com

every time i'm at a level you're like five levels past me

okay and not in a good way that's not a problem

you should be worried

mom why is your email on this website she's like it's called linkedin

your entire yeah this story is about you but there's no job and you just trap your mom in a room for no reason i'm gonna have you make me peanut butter sandwiches sandwiches all for the rest of your life.

Is there some kind of thing between you and your mom?

Because last episode, you were like burning hell, you old goat, or whatever.

Like, is there something you want to talk about?

Or you know what, dude?

Me and my mom,

we just have a silly relationship.

Is that what they call it?

I think that's what they refer to it as yes.

Okay, and accept what it is that he bestows upon you.

Oh my god.

i want to say that i want to say it was fucked up how loud my headphones were when that happened

and i felt i i i felt that visceral that visceral knee jerk pull uh it and it hurt and the snipped and whipped thumbnail jesus christ the uh

that's not even his clothes dude it's the guy's clothes whoever's living there it's their clothes.

It's not even, it's not even

our main character's clothes, I bet.

Dude.

Okay.

All right.

Hey, you know what?

I bet our character must be a little cutie-patootie to have somebody be fawning over him so much, huh?

Hunter, I know you're a YouTuber, but.

I know we're YouTubers and all, but we gotta lay off.

No, okay, all right, all right.

Veronica was in the fourth grade and was probably the prettiest girl in the school.

Even as a six-year-old, what'd you say?

Say that again.

I just said, yeah.

oh no you've better be careful as a 47 year old man yeah

i know i know

how to get out of any social event so yeah so

just one sim just one simple yeah yeah uh i a couple minutes before the movie started a group of girls walked in They were all pretty attractive, but whatever beauty they might have had was eclipsed by the girl with the dirty blonde hair, even though I had only caught a glimpse of her profile.

As she turned to move her.

Oh, as she turned to move her.

What's cooking good looking?

You better hope it says she's 19.

The 42-year-old woman walked up.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh,

that makes her only a couple decades younger than me.

She's a cotton.

I'm still a cradle statue.

Oh, as she turned to move her seat, I caught a full view of her face, which gave me the feeling of butterflies in my stomach.

It was Veronica.

What?

I thought it was an older girl.

It doesn't matter.

I thought it was an older girl.

No, it was Veronica.

Yeah.

That's why I was like, bro.

I know.

I know.

I goofed.

It was a goof.

that youtuber slipping out of you i know no no no quick someone check his twitter dms no no

don't look

don't look no no no no i saw her she was alone and she was beautiful oh yeah i went

every time

anytime a woman's mentioned

anytime a singular woman is mentioned i'm just like oh man oh yeah a woman oh

mcqueen McQueen.

Girls.

Oh, brother.

Oh, brother.

Ladies, even.

Oh, get it out of here.

Oh, ladies, ladies.

Who called in the smoke show?

In fact, it's about time I wheeled her out.

Fair warning, Miss Sharma.

She's a thing of beauty.

To Rob Gathard, beauty took the form of a dark green Jeep Wrangler.

Rob climbs in.

Did you see?

Yeah.

Oh,

Yeah.

A dark Jeep green Jeep Wrangler.

Oh, God.

You know what I like?

I like the Jeep Wrangler from

switch in and out of that voice so fast.

It's supernatural.

My gosh.

You remember the, I think it was either a Jeep Grand Cherokee or it was a Jeep Wrangler in the beginning of Goonies.

But that style of Jeep back in the day, oh, man.

Good stuff.

That was a good car.

It was a good car.

Good for you, Rob Guthard.

Good for you.

Yep.

Rob, I like how you make that noise if it's Jeeps or questionably young women in story.

Oh, my God.

Oh, good God.

This is just...

Oh, oh, my God.

Stop moaning.

I can't do it.

Rob climbs in and lets it roll out of the garage, where it dominates every inch of the driveway.

The car

as soon as I read the word dominates.

Every inch, oh God.

Oh, gosh.

The car is large.

I'm sorry you're not out of here.

Yeah, I know.

I know you were waiting for that one.

Jamie and I hung out inside the house and played my Nintendo 64 while we flirted pretty outrageously.

Hot.

How old are these kids?

26, I think.

Bases covered.

Woo!

Bases covered.

Man, these kids on bicycles, building ramps, playing Nintendo 64, thank God they graduated college eight years ago.

Yeah.

What does it look like whenever you're flirting, playing Nintendo 64?

What was that?

What kind of shenanigans?

You were never in high school playing games with a girl you liked?

Some of the boys, maybe.

It's my turn.

It's my job.

Stop it.

No, stop, Michael.

Stop.

Stop.

That's how I flew.

You do that thing when you're playing a game together and then one of you is beating the other and you're like doing the haha, like the shove thing or whatever.

Come on.

That you're cheating.

Sure, yeah.

That's probably what's what's being described here.

Yeah, there's a lot of this going on, you know?

You're just tickling me.

I don't like it.

I'm not going to describe anymore because you're going to do it.

It makes me uncomfortable.

I'm looking directly into the viewer's eyes right now.

Stop it.

You're tickling me.

I'm up next.

I want the people to practice their flirtation.

I'm going to keep reading.

Good lord.

There had been an unspoken sort of mutual attraction throughout the summer that no one had the guts to act on.

Stop moaning.

Half an hour later, Apollo shows up.

Though he laughs about his ordeal, he's clearly a little shaken.

Guy should call himself an Uber.

You can't shut those guys up.

Did you guys have Uber in England?

Yeah.

Oh, then you know what I mean, right?

I I imagine if I had where he said Apollo Creed, I imagine actually, oh, he just passed away.

You know who I'm talking about?

The actor.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I imagine actual Apollo Creed shirtless in his American, like,

American flag trunks and boxing gloves.

Yeah.

Like stepping out of the car and you're like, that guy should call himself an oop.

Yeah, steering the car with boxing gloves on.

Yeah, that's what I imagine.

Again, this was never an issue, as I was usually in another state by the time the next semester rolled around.

Have you ever heard anyone refer to themselves as a ham?

I've heard the phrase ham it up, but I've never heard ham it up, but I've never

heard someone say a honey-roasted ham.

I'm a bit of a clown.

I'm a bit of a jokester.

I'm a honey-roasted ham.

Me?

I'm known as the ham around these parts.

I am the ham.

People also call me Oscar Meyer.

I'm a bit of a meat man myself.

Yes, and my teachers, oh, they they don't like it.

Yes.

Oh, you're talking about Jacobi?

Yeah, he's just a ham.

Me?

Yes.

I'm a ham.

Hello.

Don't confuse me with a turkey because I'm not.

I'm a ham.

I'm no bird.

I'm a piggy.

Okay, I'm this is this is going nowhere.

You just gave me flashbacks to a really funny story.

So I haven't heard the name Jacobi in years.

When I was in the sixth grade, I remember, so like I, I, I was like Christian kid.

I was homeschooled for a few years in elementary school.

So like socially in like the, or sorry, seventh grade, I wasn't like up to date with like other guys my age.

So I remember I was at a sleepover and the other guys were talking about girls they thought were hot.

And I was like, I thought girls were pretty, but I never like, I was never, I'd say like physically attracted in the way that like most teenage boys are until like eighth grade, right?

So anyway, seventh grade, they're asking me, it's like, oh, who do you think's hot?

So I made up, I literally did the, she goes to a different school thing.

So I made up a girl and I gave her the name Jacoby because I heard that name and just like,

just take the name out of the aether.

And I was like, yeah, she's, she's really hot.

She goes to a different school.

So for the rest of seventh grade.

Those because they immediately saw through it.

They were immediately like, this guy's never spoken to a woman.

What are you talking about?

They made fun of me constantly.

And they knew that my parents were

religious and stuff.

So they kept being like, I'm going to tell your mom that you said a girl was hot or whatever.

I'm like, no, please.

Like, I'm a federal girl.

Like, don't tell my mom I like girls, please.

She's real, I swear.

No, I swear to God.

So don't tell my mom that.

My girlfriend's name's Steve Wallace.

When you said the name Jacoby, it shot spikes through me because I haven't heard that name.

And for a brief second, I'm like, don't tell my mom.

Quinn.

No, no, please.

Don't tell her.

I like Winthrop.

She's real.

Anything Jacob.

She's real, I swear.

Don't tell my mom, Dad.

Yeah, I had to share that.

I could have let that one go.

That's a nice piece of, you know, that's a good piece of cringe.

I appreciate that.

Thank you so much.

The author of The Showers is listening to this.

Like, can they just read the story?

Yeah, no shit.

no

they're probably like listeners are like i too had a girlfriend named jacoby

yeah i also think jacoby's a man's name

it absolutely is i have a friend named jacoby it absolutely is a man's name

i swear i met a girl named jacoby which is why that

jacob is in the name it's basically jacob of the why

It's basically Jacoby.

You're like, wait, that's not a girl name.

Okay, but there's like a button like, okay, you have Alex, and then you add an IS, and it's Alexis.

It's a girl's name now.

Like, there's a ton of things.

True, true.

True.

I don't know if Jacoby sounds very feminine.

She's real to me, okay?

She's real to me.

She's real to me.

She goes to another school, but she's really hot.

She goes to a different school.

I remember...

She's very attractive.

While we're on this, I remember the other guys would like told the girls in the class, like, hey, he made up a girl that he thought's pretty.

So, like, the girls would bully me.

They'd be like, oh, like, what's Jacoby look like?

You're incriminating yourself.

You're incriminating.

I literally, I was so scrawny and weird in seventh grade that I,

this is, I am incriminating.

I'm, like I said, the pain medicine, don't hold this against me.

It became regular.

You're making yourself such a hole.

You're like, I shouldn't do a pants.

There was an empty trash can on the way to

the bathroom at school.

And if I passed one of the like eighth grade students going to or from the bathroom without saying a word, without like making a fuss about, they would just pick me up and put me in the trash can and just like

I have, I have no response.

I don't know how I'm supposed to.

This is, this is so sad.

That's not

unbelievably sad.

We'll move on, but I promise that's not the worst of it.

That was the stuff that was funny.

There was other stuff.

I got bullied a lot for being like, for having, I had a lisp and I liked dragon ball z i was not

yeah and i made up women

i want to put you in a trash can right now without your talk

yeah okay yeah sorry

dunk you in a trash can this is why i prefaced the pain medicine okay because i knew it would be i knew i would overshare okay

i love i love vegeta and i love goku so much please okay that wasn't that that wasn't my list my lips my list was have you seen a have you seen a seven-foot-tall woman named Jacobi walking around?

I'm missing her.

I do like

my children.

I always like tall women.

Okay, so maybe I did say she was seven feet tall.

Maybe that's how they saw through it.

I don't know.

Tall glass of water.

Can we get back to the story?

I'm not even going to lie.

Can we get back to the story?

You're hijacking this, and you're like telling your whole sad life right here.

I'm trying to remember where the hell we're even

at.

My friendships were often fleeting.

Okay, you're the one who said Jacobi.

This is your fault.

If you've used any other name, none of this would have happened.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

I didn't know.

What is this podcast?

I don't know.

I'm lost.

I'm literally doing a podcast with a guy high on fentanyl right now.

I have no idea what the hell's going on.

And also, this one girl, I have to...

Close your ears, honey.

You don't get this satisfaction.

There was this one girl who came up on stage.

And I'll have you know, I'm married, by the way, right?

This one girl came up on stage and she was tall, right?

And she was wearing like goth makeup and clothing.

And I go, hi, what's your name?

And she looks at me and goes, Jacoby.

Jacoby.

100%.

And I go, no, it's not.

And she gets right in my face and goes, yep.

And then just doesn't say anything else to me the whole time.

That's all.

That's all.

just, she just wanted to do that.

Okay.

And I felt, I felt attacked.

I felt assaulted.

No, it was not a test.

That was not a test.

That was an attack on me.

Okay.

And that you said.

I feel like you did this.

That was an agent of the devil.

You are the devil.

I have no idea why I chose to do that, but it was fun giving in to the strange impulse not to break the droning hum of the soda machines at least for the moment i do get that have you ever been to like a really quiet place and for some reason you're like

i should i shouldn't make a lot of noise you know

no

no i don't think i've ever done that all right anyway okay so i got to the cerebral

I'm trying to put myself in the mindset of being like, I don't want to break the droning hum of the soda machines.

I don't know if people are going to start yelling at me again, like the license plate fiasco, but sorry, I don't give a fuck about the droning soda machines.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

I more so get it in nature.

Like when I'm outside, and not for like, oh, I don't want something to see me.

Just like it sounds so calm that I'm just like light footsteps.

Like I don't want to, you know, disturb the peace, so to speak.

Um,

and I could get that in like a more industrial area of kind of like, it's so calm here.

Why we're in it?

I remember being a kid.

It'd be like, we went to like a really big church when I was a kid.

And sometimes when I'd go downstairs to the bathroom, there were like these long, long hallways around the church, like in the basement area.

And it kind of had that, like, you know, the fluorescent hum thing.

And I remember just standing down there sometimes and thinking, like, man, it is so quiet.

Like, you can hear so much every little detail.

And I kind of get not wanting to disturb that.

Right.

Don't want to break the silence.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, not

almost not, not of like a fear thing, more of almost like like a social cue, weirdly.

It's strange.

No, that makes sense.

When I opened the envelope, I understood.

There was no letter.

Why would you give the child that?

Well,

maybe you should.

The next line says there's something in it.

So we'll see what happens.

Okay.

All right.

Well,

I'll hold my tongue for a second.

All right.

Yeah, she didn't just hand him a blank envelope like, loser.

Super.

Bummer.

Everybody want to to point and laugh at him?

He's a loser.

No, this kid didn't get a balloon back.

Ha ha.

Jimmy, you had the picture of the man touching himself, right?

Give it to him to make him feel appreciated.

No, no, it's mine.

I don't want to.

It's mine.

Jimmy, give the picture of the man touching himself to Bryce.

He wants it.

No, it's mine.

What did we talk about sharing?

I don't care.

It's mine.

I want it.

Okay, well, you're going to have to find a new Polaroid, okay?

Because Jimmy loves his picture.

That's my favorite thing ever on this earth.

The Japanese are good people, good manners, but they got all these urban legends and ghost stories that Hiroji was crazy for.

Spent all his free time chasing them down.

Like, you heard of Jorigumo?

I don't think so.

I'm sorry, but

that delivery, I imagine like a bewildered elf.

I don't think so.

Okay.

Well, she's the spider lady, lives in the Joro Falls round Ezu.

Your southern accent with this is so good.

Well, she's a spider lady that lives in the Joro Falls round Aizu.

I'm sorry.

Is that not the caricature that you're?

I just don't believe Rob is actually going to these places.

But he seems to be a learned man, so who knows?

He's one of them educated types.

He just talked too big.

Okay.

Anyway,

before I was rudely interrupted, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

With a criticism over my Rob speak.

Like, I don't understand the character.

Okay.

Well, she

well, she's the spotter.

Oh my

Hold on, I gotta

spotter lady lives in the Joro Falls round Izu.

Meant to be real pretty, but real dangerous.

Roche took us out there to get a picture of her.

Did you ever meet Joro Gumo?

Okay, that voice.

I don't mean to keep...

I can't.

You know that, that, like, the fairy from Legend of Zelda.

It's like the 50-year-old man in a fairy costume.

You know what I'm talking about?

Hey, come on, man.

No, I'm a cute girl.

I'm a cute.

I'm Alice Sherma.

Did you ever meet Joro Gumo?

Okay, in my head, it's that, it's that.

Is Tinsel its name?

The Elf or whatever?

I don't know.

I have no idea.

It's that, but trying to sound like a British woman.

Did you ever meet Joro Gumo?

Thank you.

Okay.

Nah, she didn't show.

None of them did.

I didn't believe it all until we went to

Alkagara.

Sure.

Oki Gahara.

Alkigahara.

Alkika Gahara.

Wait.

Alki Gahara.

Sir, if you've been there for so long, how do you not know how to say that?

Listen, little Missy, I don't even think that you're real.

I don't know what you is, but it ain't right.

Why do you say such horrible things?

No, I don't see now you're whispering, and that makes me all kinds of bothered and uncomfortable, and I don't stand for it, ma'am.

You done got me riled.

That's it.

I'm getting my gun.

Did you find anything in the Agahari?

Awakagahara.

I thought.

Unaliving forest.

I thought I couldn't pronounce it.

Now you can't pronounce it.

What's this about, you little edge?

British lady.

I wouldn't say I'm a cultured woman.

I just wanted to know if you've seen any.

Did you find it?

Oh, I see how it is.

You think you're all sophisticated, bander of the majors, because I'm from down here in Phoenix.

Well, let me tell you this.

You think that it's fine for you to mispronounce it, but when I mispronounce it, it's because I'm some dumb yokel.

Is that right?

Yes.

Well, that's just.

No, Rob, I need you to just get back to the fucking story, deranged old man.

Well, that ain't quite Christian of you now, is it?

What's my call sign?

I thought about it.

I was thinking London.

You're from London, right?

Oh, from Bristol.

That was a switch.

Sorry.

Back is Rob.

We would have gotten here sooner if we had to drop by to get some blankets.

Pleasure to meet you, ma'am.

Pleasure to meet you, too.

Would you be the journalist?

That's right.

You used to write for the town paper, didn't you?

Yeah, that's right.

This is like your schizophrenia setting it.

Yeah, which I know.

I'm like, yeah, that's right.

You used to write for the town paper, didn't you?

I'm a little girl.

I have a girl.

It's all your different characters crumbling in on each other.

This is his middle break.

I can't wait.

I'm going to let viewers know, too.

There's a lot of characters coming up, and this is going to get very messy.

So, if you're not on YouTube watching this and you can see the characters' names there, I'm sorry.

It's going to get very sloppy.

You know, it's pretty funny because, like, initially, I was like, oh, maybe he doesn't have enough to read.

But now that I'm looking down, I'm like, nah, he's fine.

I have plenty.

I have plenty.

All I can do is hold on to my recollection of the night before, reminding myself of the sense of calm, finality that radiated from Klein when I confronted him.

All I can do is trust that I made the right call.

No.

No, there wasn't.

This is the time when you decide to...

I told you it was going to drop at some point.

Thank you for not doing it as Clyde was walking off last night.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Did the thought come to you?

Be honest.

Did the thought come to you to do it then?

No, I was honestly waiting to see if you could go to an even way, way down the road kind of thing.

And just, you know, be like, Robot, I think I'm going to make it.

Robot, I think I might need a point in a bloody way of bloody skull, mate.

Come on.

Like, in that moment, so in my head, the like, I don't know about you, but to me, Bristol/slash Alice looks like

the actress who plays her in the Tessa Thompson.

In my head, like, it's Tessa Thompson.

The moment you spoke in that voice, it became like peaky blinder, Cillian Murphy.

Like, yeah,

just like transformed.

No, Rob.

No, I don't think that was your fang me to do.

I ordered the pinky blinders.

No, that's that's actually very you.

I think Blue Jay would have appreciated that information last night.

Yeah, well, she didn't ask.

I'm glad you made it, Rob.

Glad you made it, too.

They build them tough down in London.

I rest my head back against the luggage.

I'm from Bristol.

Of course.

Yeah, yeah, of course.

That's uh.

Sorry.

Hey!

I don't go to the doctor as much as I should.

I don't want to deal with the appointments and insurance and hear what's wrong with myself.

I hate it.

It's yeah.

The less I know, the better.

And that's why I let somebody else handle it.

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Let's get back to the story.

Second victim was Jackie Graham, found drowned with 27 stab wounds in the in the per uh per yeah, uh, don't have to say, don't know how to say that.

The uh, also, I want to say that it would be a huge disservice to any to me and everyone else if I didn't mention that 200 stab wounds.

The band has a new album out right now, and it's very, very good.

So, please go do that.

We're talking about all these little 27, 36 kind of stab wounds.

Well, what about 200?

All right, give the album a listen.

Do you know what the perennium is?

I have no idea.

Okay, it is the space between

your your butthole and

your other thing.

Your cocker.

There you go.

So Param is literally just a fancy word for taint?

Yes.

Yeah, yeah.

It's a medical word for it.

Thank you.

They stabbed him 27 times in the taint.

It was a woman.

And yes.

I don't know.

It's so funny, Hunter.

This is a very serious crime.

It is a very serious crime.

I'm not going to

be anywhere other than the tank.

He's known as a tank killer.

Someone's.

Someone's dead, Hunter.

This isn't funny.

No, whatever.

Man, I thought I had it back with Becca's shoe addiction, but fuck me.

Your wife's in here collecting eyeballs.

Ben, I think we should go.

I'm getting nauseous.

I would punch him in the face.

Yeah, exactly.

I thought my broad was bad with all of her weird shoes.

Hey, man.

Shoes is legitimately a lunatic.

I'm getting the hell out of here.

It smells like baby diapers and shit.

Hey, pal,

leases are less expensive.

Am I right?

You can get eyeballs in the backyard.

Ain't got to spend the check on the missus.

The old ball and chain.

You hear?

Yeah.

Yeah, you're lucky, pal.

All right.

I wish mine had eyeballs.

Get some Febreze.

Clear that right up.

Yeah, get some Febreze.

You can't go to prison for tackling the neighborhood dog and ripping out his eyeballs.

You'll be just fine.

But you know what?

You can't get over that price from Payless Shoes.

That receipt she brings home.

Am I right?

Put her there.

The one thing you can't get over is a Balenciaga receipt.

Yeah,

I'll tell you what.

You think eyeballs are bad?

How about some eye Balenciaga on a receipt you hear?

Yeah, I'll tell you what.

I looked back at her in shock and saw her grinning madly, her fingers clutching a large shard of glass.

You all ride in there?

I hate Chris.

I hate Chris so much.

He's like taking all of the wind out of this really good story.

It's so fucking annoying.

Hey, I know I saw those eyeballs and you've been like, you saw your dead wife or something with blood.

You okay?

I thought those shoes were bad, buddy.

Anyway, let's go.

Yo!

Oh, man.

Anyway, you all right in there?

I thought the BOGO wings we got at Buffalo Wild Wings were bad, but she looks crazy.

Um, she's right behind you, isn't she?

Uh, Benjamin,

she's right behind you, isn't she?

It's like, Chris, you can see.

You would know that you're looking at me.

You are looking at me right now.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, she's behind you.

Um,

Irm, Ben, you're gonna want to see this.

Lynn had crawled completely out from under the bed and stood in the bedroom doorway.

Her face twisted in rage.

Her whole body was visibly tense.

Blood ran down her fingers and onto the floor.

Jesus, Lynn!

You

playing hide and seek?

I've

goddamn it, Chris!

God!

Bro!

God damn it.

Oh, my gosh.

Jesus, Lynn.

You played hide and seek?

She just stabbed her husband.

Yeah.

What the hell are you doing?

What is this?

Operation?

Whoa, don't go.

Hey, look, it must be that time of the month or something going a little crazy.

Hey, you're bloody.

For what reason?

Hey, oh.

hey, pal.

Don't we all got him?

Oh, I see some blood on her hands.

I know what that means.

Hey, they all get a little wacky.

They all get a little eyeball.

You know what I mean?

I hope Chris gets skinned alive here.

Chris was standing in the front yard talking on the phone with the police.

He's on the phone, like, um, she's right behind him.

I need you to deliver this as fast as a Jimmy John sub.

Yep.

I want this hot ready, or else it's free.

You hear?

Yeah, exactly.

This toots is being absolutely wild.

She's all screwy-dewey.

Get over here.

Hey, bring us a glass of wine and a weekend vacation, if you know what I mean.

The woman's going a little stir crazy over.

Look, I'm just saying I've said things in the bedroom.

Oh, my God.

Isaiah, you're opening a can of worms.

It doesn't.

Look,

that is fine.

It's when you bring it out and we all have to look at it that it's like,

you know,

like, don't do it.

If I found out some horrible, heinous things that you said privately, I'd be like, well, you know what?

That's fucking between him,

him, and his lady.

All right.

What the hell?

Right.

Uh,

Bacon.

Why do I have a feeling?

We're all a feeling that you

do a devious Scooby-Doo impression privately.

Yeah.

You know why I think that is because I remember when I went to visit Isaiah and his wife,

I went and I

looked in their kitchen.

I was like, what is all this for?

And it was a

huge stack of bread and salami slices.

And they were pretty much preparing this giant 12-foot-tall sub.

And they're like, don't even worry about it.

So I imagine that you folded them like a deck of cards and ate it in one gulp, just like a big old Scooby-Doo himself.

So, that, that, that, sure.

I'm tracking everything you just said, except for what relation is that to the bedroom?

Your Scooby-Doo impression

in the best.

So, you're saying I do the whole salami sandwiching thing as a mode of foreplay.

Okay,

yeah.

So, if I'm Scooby, then who is Caleb?

Yeah, I mean, I'd say Shaggy.

Okay, right?

I mean, that makes sense.

That's the natural conclusion, I guess.

Yeah, that'd make the most.

Like, Scoob!

Come on, Scoop, put the sub down.

You're doing, like, all kinds of, like,

fold it, like, a bunch of deck of cards like he does in the show.

You guys chase each other around your room, but you do that thing where you run in place for three seconds and then dart off.

Only leaving, only leaving a cloud of your silhouette in the wake.

Oh, there we go.

Oh, my God, Kayla.

That was so much fun.

Our

four play is just like Hanna-Barbera cartoons kids.

Not even with the sexual undertone.

It's just like the jokes.

You sit outside your bedroom door

because Kayla locked it and

you wiggle the doorknob like Fred Flintstone, you do.

Kayla!

I put my feet off the bed and and run in place like I'm driving a car from the kitchen.

Run off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, but

actually,

to have your room where you make love be called bedrock is pretty sick.

That's pretty sick.

That was pretty funny.

After removing my fleece and lying down for just a moment, I end up sleeping in the clothes I'm wearing.

At some point, I'd walk up to Rob and be like, Rob, we got to kill her.

Hey, Rob.

Yes.

Bonnie is pretty sure

she's going to kill us.

I'm almost positive she's going to kill us.

Well,

we got a lot of territory to chart.

And Clyde's just like, I don't know why you guys are being so weird to my sister.

Stop being so weird to my sister.

She's fine.

She's like trying to eat her own face in the back seat.

She's just weird.

She's vibrating, speaking Laddin

behind the scenes.

All right, so do we have to go home then or what?

what?

I don't know what the big deal is.

She does this.

I don't know why you're so weird.

God, it's that time of the month.

She gets like this.

She talked to a demon.

Who cares?

God.

You know, I really thought when you were being Alice just there, that you're going to go, uh, Rob, you're going to want to see this.

Rob?

Yeah, you're going to want to see this.

She's right behind me.

Yeah, you get it.

You know what I'm saying?

Rob,

she's right.

Yeah.

All right.

Okay.

In a minute, in a minute, there's going to be like a thumping in the closet.

And then Marcus is going to go, Clancy, you're going to want to see this.

Clancy,

it's right behind me.

Room seven was close.

I knew the demon was right behind me, but for some

what

it's right behind me, isn't it?

Oh, God.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Don't bring that filth into this good story.

I know.

If it gets worse after this, I did it.

Yeah, that's it.

I just need to call someone.

I'm going to go outside.

And then there is, assumedly, a breakage in time

well that didn't work so well as

well that didn't work so well you're

well irm that just happened

well that didn't work so well okay i'll keep i'll keep that out of the story it doesn't deserve it yet yeah it might later but not right now okay

begins to show distress as the suspect someone is following him i like how now he just shows That's what gets him distressed.

Yeah, he's just like, he's like, wow, what the hell is this thing?

Yeah,

someone's like kind of behind him.

He's like, oh my God.

And as he starts running

while inspecting the flesh pyre of Satan, I have the feeling I'm being watched.

Methinks me being watched.

Irm, he's right behind me, isn't he?

Yeah.

Spoke to me in my own voice.

The first thing he said was,

The hole will fill with snow and blood.

So, yeah, that amped up my fear quite a bit.

So, yeah, that amped up my fear quite a bit.

Yeah, that amped up my fear

quite a bit.

I'm not going to let it deter me.

I'm going to say it.

I'm going to say it.

Faye,

it's right behind me, isn't it?

Faye, you're going to want to see this.

I will say, though, this does remind me.

I'm actually getting flashbacks from my own childhood.

And my music class, we could write to any musician.

Oh, did you get a special Polaroid from a musician?

I got a postcard and I wrote to Adam Sandler.

That was the musician.

Because at the time,

I had a comedy CD from him called Everybody's Gonna Laugh at You.

And I remember I got a thing back and it was signed.

And it's obvious, it was so obviously fake.

But I remember at the time, I was like, whoa!

Holy moly!

Your teachers fake a signed Adam Sandler letter.

That I can only imagine.

It was never verified, so it very well could be.

But

looking back on it, I was like, there's no way.

There's just simply no.

Do you still have that letter?

Maybe.

Bro.

I'd have to.

I think for a very long time, I was like, this is just fake.

I might have pitched it.

I don't know.

No, bro.

If you still have, what if it's real?

What if one day, like, what if one day when you're 87 years old, you know, 10 years from now?

Could you, like, listen to yourself?

Could you imagine huddle if you had an adam sedo signature i will say oh no no okay hold on i'm looking up i'm looking up images of it right now and the signature does look very similar because he he did draw a uh he drew a smiley face on mine and then one of these things okay well for one you're making you're making fun of me for the signature thing i'm saying it would be cool if like he sent a if he sent a signed copy of the CD to someone who became like a famous internet like comedian personality, right?

Like, that would be a cool stepping stone.

You hear about, like, oh, this director got a letter from Scorsese when they were a kid or whatever, right?

I'm saying it'd be neat for that reason.

Not that

when I, when I was listening to you, I was, I legitimately thought you were being like,

I thought you were legitimately being like, Could you even imagine if you had Adam Sandler's signature right now?

That I'm that's what I'm starstruck by.

Oh my gosh, really?

Did you

Mr.

Sandler touch that?

No.

Are you saying Mr.

Sandler

touched pen and touched ink and quill on that picture?

What's it smell like?

It smells like Adam.

Give it.

Give me the letter.

Give me the letter.

Give it.

Yeah, girl.

Yeah.

I'm gonna help your parents raise you.

It's a big jog being a mommy and a daddy.

Sometimes mommy and daddies need help.

I immediately, I immediately don't like this.

I'm immediately like this.

I'm going to let you know right now.

I'm going to let you know right now.

I'm actually unsettled.

And I'm like, the

war, the

giant red flags before we started reading it of being like, turn back.

You don't understand.

Literally like five times, it was like, are you 18?

Not safe for work.

Are you an adult?

Please find something else to read.

You know what's fucked up is even when I was like thinking about how we're joking about this, I still pictured the main kid just like, he's like grabbing his mom's plate now, and he's eating that chicken too.

He's over there like the Tasmanian devil.

Like,

there's like a tiny tornado going around the kitchen.

Here's the thing, Isaiah.

With that last sentence of one of his hands sliding across my cheek into my hair, that's disgusting.

The implications.

But I'm just going to pray that maybe, and I know this is fucked up to say, but maybe he just like breaks the kid's legs or something.

I'm going to pray he just breaks the kid's legs.

Just smash the kid's fingers and be done with it.

Let's have it be one of those stories, please.

That is an all-time creepcast quote.

That's really good.

My mother spun around from the stove, and I saw her visibly tense.

She didn't like Tommy touching us.

I know where it's going.

I know where it has to be going.

The 18 content warnings tell me where this is going.

What I wouldn't give to just have him be like more of like a Looney Tunes character and just has like a cast iron skillet and he just like beats the shit out of the children with the cast iron skillet.

That would be so much more digestible.

I would be thrilled.

If he dropped an Anvil on one of the kids.

Oh, God, absolutely.

That would be, that would hit like a drug at the moment.

It would be awesome.

But no, we don't get that.

No, absolutely not.

I thought that if I could make him want to impress me, he would agree to go looking for the lost town.

What a bitch.

I mean, this is like standard high school stuff.

Yeah, but still, that is not.

I mean, what the fuck?

I mean, like, sure, it's rude, but I mean, like, there's a bunch of girls in high school who are like, oh, that guy likes me.

If he gets all flustered, he'll go to that weird town where the guy died.

Well, how many.

He's trying to impress me.

How many girls?

how many girls in high school and stuff like that like you know they try to

like get a guy to like them for like social clout or like because he's like big on the baseball team like they don't actually like him they just want something out of him right it's like it's i think it's a fine part of being a kid now when you're an adult doing like serious relationships off of this

negging negging what what is what what is the definition of negging

negging is a manipulative tactic that involves making backhanded compliments or negative comments oh oh that's that's where you're just like you look really good for a fat girl.

That's nagging.

I don't think that's it.

That's negging.

I don't think that's nagging.

No, there's no tactic that involves making backhanded comments or negative comments to make someone feel bad about themselves.

What you just did is just mean.

Nagging is being no, it would, it would be like this.

It'd be like, yeah, you look a lot better today.

That's that's kind of similar to what I did.

No, no.

The difference.

Ow!

Saying, you look really good for a fat girl is totally different.

First off, I didn't say that.

I'm saying that that's the example of what someone negative.

I'm saying, but it has to be manipulative.

If I say you look better today, you're like, thank you.

And then maybe you're later to like, oh, did I look not good the past few days?

Which is what the incentive to underline was.

Oh, so just saying you look pretty good for a fat girl is just like, what are you talking about?

What?

Like,

there's no manipulation there, yeah.

For a guy this big, you look really good.

Okay, here's one.

Hey, Hunter, your last video was a lot better.

No, thank you.

It was really good.

The other ones are good.

This one's really good, too.

Wow, I'm good at everything.

That's what he meant.

There's never one negative thing.

Hmm.

Okay, why the fuck?

Well, I'm glad I have an understanding of what negging is now.

Okay, yeah.

I'm just going to keep going.

Inside the milk house, police found a bloody mattress.

God, this music is locked somewhere.

What?

The music's what?

Selenipilocytrate cytrate was found scattered around the mattress, along with used bandages and packets of penicillin.

Someone had been sleeping, basically.

Okay, the decapitated head of the Ford's granddaughter was found wrapped in a blanket.

Could you turn down the music just to tan while I'm recording this?

The head of Fiona's Ford.

The worst smell came from within the second stall of the bone

What?

Several faces were found down to the walls inside the stall

Jesus Christ

just turned down the mix

Some of them belonged to previous victims

Malformed beyond recognition

Just turn it down!

There are also several decapitated big carcasses!

It's like a police chief giving a briefing in a hurricane.

Marty!

Turn him down!

This person had found him and was hurting him.

I broke out in tears.

He was my only friend next to boxes.

Okay, alright.

Hold on.

Hold on, man.

You can't...

He was my only friend next to boxes.

I can't believe my only human, my only friend, Josh, is getting beaten up by some stranger in this house.

My only friend next to my tiny kitty cat, Boxes.

It's like, don't put them on the same level, dude.

Come on.

Well, my friend's getting touched and murdered by a stranger upstairs.

Good thing I've got my kitty cat.

Well, I hope that I can find my cat so I still have one friend.

Man, I hope that if Josh is dead, I can still find my cat.

Well,

even if Boxes dies, he still has eight more lives, so it should be fine.

Hey, Josh, he gets on the walking.

Hey, Josh, did you hear that?

Boxes has eight more lives.

Yeah.

Hey, Josh, are you there?

Josh?

Are you there, Josh?

Hits her.

Josh, we have to find...

Josh, we have to find boxes.

So it's in the house.

What?

I can't hear you.

You got to go honor.

Hold up.

I'm going to scream really loud.

Is that you?

Are you in my room room upstairs to the left of that room?

You said you were in the closet underneath in the left corner, right?

Why are you hiding in there?

Here, follow the sound of my voice.

Leetle, leetle, leetle.

Yeah.

I'm going to keep beeping.

I'm going to keep making noises.

Hold on.

This thing has a siren function.

Let me try it.

Please, please, please, please, please be quiet.

What?

Okay

I love Paul because Paul says this

yeah I came down and you know that blocked in tunnel.

Yeah, it's clear and like an electron electrician came in and strung up lights.

You know, people thought that they saw something and they thought they saw a deer.

Which I thought that was weird.

Is a deer supposed to string up the lights in the tunnel?

But it turned out it was just a tall guy.

So it's like, how'd you get that confused with one another?

Nah, just actually, it's a nine-foot-tall man walking around the woods.

Look, look, pal, if you're hiring some tall guy to come in here and pull our job,

buddy, we're in the union.

All right?

You better.

Frank, you are pushing my buttons.

First, the bug people, and now you have a human ladder putting up lights.

All right?

Need you to let us know because this is on contract.

He did say that he thought the deer did it.

He said that.

It read.

The flow of that sentence, the way he structured it, he's like, I thought it was a deer.

He said,

first, I thought it was a deer they were seeing, but then they all swore it looked like a tall man.

Yeah, but it's insinuated, at least for me, whenever I was listening to it.

And I could be wrong, and I know you and all the deer are wrong.

I like the

deer putting up wires.

And he had a DeWalt drill, and he was putting up lights, but it turned out it was just a nine-foot-tall man.

Look, that guy and my crew.

That guy and my crew.

So, if you have some other crew in here, you need to let us know.

All right.

And they're all sick as dogs.

Oh, my guys are sick.

I did DoorDash about 60 pounds of Mongolian fried chicken last night.

Not feeling well after the altercation with the broke people.

And the nine-foot-tall man, I think, did do something to the water supply.

I don't know, Frank.

All I know is my guys are royally pissed.

Call me back.

Also, we found some really old shit down there.

We got a guy on the crew that used to be archaeology work or whatever.

What?

I do find that line funny.

What?

I know.

We found a Mesopotamian pyramid down here, Frank.

And

one of the guys on the crew,

he's dug a couple of these.

He's like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, logical work.

Like, it's like you used to work in retail.

Like, it's just a common thing every crew has.

i'm just saying he's he's he's dug up some of these pyramids before and he says that this is this thing kind of old frank i also like it's no not not a not an expert mesoamerican archaeologist if you ask me but he does have some history with like runic examples of the ancient you know of lost tribes dating pre-12th century so you know he's all right he knows most of the edges he said that he's seen these gargoyle statues before and we keep reading them we keep trying to read the names out loud but we keep going blind when we read it.

So I don't know what's happening down here.

But if you can give me a call, I also like how just nonchalant he is, too.

He's like, man, Frank, I'm telling you, there's a lot of crazy shit down here.

Frank, there's a lot going on, Frank.

I don't, I don't know.

I think it's a bit serendipitous because we did offer the Mongolian fried chicken to the guy you sent out, but he didn't eat it.

And he's sick as a dog, too.

So now I'm wondering what's going on.

Now I'm thinking, okay, it's probably something else entirely.

Potentially the Beetle people.

Yeah, it could be the Beetle people because we had to rule out the tall guy because it ended up just being three clowns on top of each other's shoulders in a large trench coat.

So that can't be them.

All right, Frank.

Call me back when you can.

It turns out to be three clowns.

Oh, I'm fooled by the old three clowns in the trench coat at a construction site.

At a construction site?

That's a typical thing you have to deal with when you're just a classic high school friend.

Classic, yeah.

They're all 14-year-old clowns.

Very young.

I didn't know clowns started this early, Frank.

All right.

Call me back.

Then the next message, he's like, hey, Frank, did you ever do the clown break when you were in high school?

Because we're not like, he's just like talking.

Yeah.

I thought you were going to say the next call is it's just honk honk.

He's like, all right, Frank, I'm a clown now.

I'm not going to be able to finish the job.

I am going to the circus.

I wish you all the best, buddy.

He's like, I'm making a bunch of pies right now to put in people's faces.

I think the crew's getting a big laugh out of it.

All right, Frank.

Talk to you next time.

I'm getting played.

I made myself stop for a moment.

I couldn't know for sure what she was asking me.

I had gone to school with several boys named Thomas.

It was a common name.

Oh my God.

Yeah, bro, I'm sure.

Well, it could be.

It's probably a coincidence.

I don't say.

Hold on, let me call mom.

Hold on a second, Barbara.

My mom said that Thomas is more than one Thomas.

If a girl says your name is Thomas before Dora, she's an angel.

I think I'm watching an angel.

Am I watching an angel from heaven?

But the chances of her painting that name when I was working here, I didn't want to be silly, but I wasn't trying to be too.

What's that word?

Mom used to say it.

Okay.

Oh, God.

No.

Mom used to say it when she read her angel books.

No.

Whoa.

What the fuck?

Whoa.

That was actually not planned, and that is so fucking wild.

That is.

Whoa.

Whoa.

That was so.

Yo, that was wild.

You, okay, we made the joke.

Haha, mom said it was an angel.

And then the story says, quote, mom used to say it when she read her angel books.

Skeptics.

That isn't the oddest thing, though.

What's odd is that everyone has hyper-realistic eyes.

Yes.

Oh my gosh.

Oh, I forgot about this.

Okay, so Hunter, some lore, right?

Every single, without fail, every single video game,

movie,

TV show, whatever.

creepypasta would have some mention of hyper-realistic body parts.

They're like, she was stabbed to death and a hyper-realistic heart fell into the screen, or

he was shot in the head, and hyper-realistic blood splattered across the wall.

It was just that's what all the time, implying that, yeah, that's supposed to be the uncanny aspect to these cartoonish worlds.

Real human eyes in SpongeBob, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Squidder just sits there in silence, blinking for about 30 seconds, then starts to sob softly.

He puts his hands, tentacles,

over his eyes and cries quietly for a full minute more.

I imagine he puts his hands in his face, it's like

This was one of the most terrifying stories to children online, by the way.

Keep that in mind.

The eerie part is that the sound, Squidward sobbing, sounded real.

It was like it wasn't coming from the speakers, but that speakers themselves were holes that the sound was traveling through from the other side.

Yeah, that's how speakers work.

It's almost as if the speakers weren't speakers, but it said holes that sound is projected out of.

as good a sound as the studios like to have, they don't have the equipment to be able to produce audio of that quality.

The lead animation editor paused and rewound frame by frame.

What we saw was horrible.

It was a still photo of a dead child.

Oh, I missed this.

I miss this kind of thing.

Because every other one I would read back then, like, if there was a cartoon I watched, I'd read a creepypasta and it'd be this, like, random dead kids or blood or something.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

He couldn't have been more than six.

His face was mangled and bloodied.

One eye dangling over it, popped.

He was naked down to his underwear.

Stomach crudely cut open and his entrails splayed out beside him.

He was laying on some pavement that was probably a road.

Pavement that was probably a road is really funny.

Laying on some pavement that was probably a road.

Yeah, it's a picture of a dead kid and someone in the back.

It's like, is this a road or a sidewalk?

Quick.

We thought it was a basketball court, but we're pretty sure that it was a road.

At first, we thought this was a lake until someone pointed out, no, that's pavement, actually.

No, that's not water.

That's pavement.

That is, in fact, pavement.

We can't confirm.

Oh, and it's just for a single frame.

Oh my God.

The most upsetting part was that there was a shadow of the photographer, but no crime tape, evidence tags, or markers.

And

they.

Wait.

It turns out this man wasn't a police officer at all.

Yeah.

Wait, hold on, guys.

This isn't evidence.

I think this is the guy who did this.

And then

the guy taking the picture turns around the camera and it's the Ben statue.

You want to know why I killed this kid?

The angle was completely off for a shot designed to be evidence.

It would seem they were the person responsible for the child's death.

We were, of course, mortified, pressed on, hoping that this was just a sick joke.

Yeah, that's what I like to do to my workplace friends.

Display images of children I killed.

We're just interns.

I didn't know.

We're just an intern Nickelodeon.

I was playing.

Where's Dan Schneider?

Yeah, that's what I was about to say.

Like, as a

Dan Schneider, Brian Peck thing, it's funny to imagine them like, I was just goofing around.

You know, it's.

It's just a joke.

It's just a picture of a dead kid on some pavement.

It's not a big fucking dick.

This is just what guys in Hollywood do, okay?

We're just Hollywood scriptwriters.

This is what we do.

We just have some pool parties with like 14-year-old girls at our our house, throw some dead kids onto sets, and then

do some cocaine.

Like that's just that's but that's part of showbiz, all right?

There's now what appeared to be blood running down his face from his eyes.

The blood was also done in a hyper-realistic style.

That blood was also done in a hyper-realistic style.

He was confused as to why he had been called down, so the editor just continued the episode.

Once the next few frames were shown, all screaming and sound again stopped.

Squidward was just staring at the viewer, his face taking up the full frame for about three seconds.

The shot quickly panned out.

That deep voice said,

Do it!

And we saw a shotgun in Squidward's hands.

Yes!

Yes!

Oh my god, read, keep reading, keep reading.

He immediately puts the gun in his mouth and pulls the trigger.

Yes, the next line.

Realistic blood and brain matter splatters the wall behind him in his bed, and he flies back with force.

Yes!

I love it!

Yes!

We did it!

There is an investigation due to the nature of the photos, but nothing came of it.

No child scene was identified.

What?

It's just funny.

There was an investigation due to the nature of the photos, but nothing came of it.

It's just like, you know, those photos?

The most interesting part?

Yeah, we nothing really came of that.

You know those dead kids?

Well, don't worry about it.

We're on to the next part.

No trouble.

We didn't know what the fuck happened there.

Who knows?

It doesn't really matter.

Yo, that was weird.

And Josh had really coveted it.

So much so that his parents bought him a slightly nicer one for his birthday, which was toward the end of the school year.

Immediately, Josh is a rat.

Yeah, exactly.

Exactly.

That snow coat machine is pretty cool.

And he goes up to his parents and he's like, I did it might to be better.

Yeah, and also, like, the story opens saying that this, the rider is, like, from a lower income.

A little lower income.

Yeah, exactly.

Like, he has this one little thing to hold on to.

His rich friend has to come over and get a little bit of a bunch of small snow cone machine for Christmas.

And Josh is like, oh, I need more.

I need a better chance.

A small snow cone machine for Christmas.

I'd be like, what a fucking out-of-season gift, dude.

A snow cone machine for Christmas?

This child, this child is like living in like in poverty, and Hunter shows up, like, really?

A snow cone machine?

Yeah, hey, hey, oh, you know what?

Hey, here's here's here's an ice tray.

You probably need that too, right now.

There you go, for all your cold drinks you're having right now.

Thanks.

Hey, Merry Christmas, mom.

Go outside and get some, idiot.

Pick it off the ground.

I got you some swim trunks while you're at it.

There you go.

Merry Christmas.

These are all very usable and lookable things.

Then a familiar voice broke my tension.

John.

This is Amy's voice, just so you know.

Yeah.

Would you like to say that?

Okay, all right.

All right.

Fine.

I'll change it.

I like saying John just like John.

John.

There you go.

Was a single word in Amy's voice.

I breathed a sigh of relief.

Hey, it's you.

Every character, every character we have in these series, you love to make just

a toddler off the series.

Hey, it's you.

Sigh of relief.

Who else would it be?

Audio listeners.

All right, fine, fine, fine.

What is going on?

Whose voice is this?

What is happening?

Who else would it be?

Thank you.

Boys,

enormous blue eyes suddenly filled with sadness.

You did a really,

really bad thing.

All right, so the story had me.

I was like, I was there.

I was in the room.

I was mad.

That sounds like the kid.

Blue-eyed.

That sounds like a kid with big

dupy eyes.

I can't remember their name.

Whatever character it was from South Park who sold the steroids to Jimmy for the special Olympics.

Okay.

All right.

Well, that's you.

That's your kind of interpretation of the voice I'm doing.

I'm doing a young child with big, goopy blue eyes.

Oh,

you did a really, really bad thing.

He's a kid.

No, no, this sounds like

this is mocking.

This is some

level of

deep-down sarcasm.

I'm not going to stop you.

I just want it to be clarified to the audience that I'm not with him.

I don't agree.

I could do it.

I'll do a different voice.

See, now you're in my head.

Now you're in my head.

What's a better voice?

Why don't you give me an example?

If you wanted to give me an example of what for your audience, then maybe you can act like it is all I'm saying.

I thought it was a legitimate, good, creepy, weird thing you're talking about a kid walking around in a red onesie with a devil mask on uh-huh right all right so how do you think you should sound go ahead say oh you did a really really bad i'm not the voice actor so i'm not the one to ask about this i just read the story sure know how to give criticism as if you are you're you're what about right about that that's for sure what about oh you did a really really bad thing if if that's what you think our audience deserves then

you go with it no i'm i i am a grown man trying to do a child's voice.

You know what?

I'm going to, I'm just going to let it roll.

It might be different every time.

Who knows?

All right.

Well, you know, like I said, if you think that's what the audience deserves, then that's on you.

I'm just letting the audience know that I'm not in on it.

All right.

I cried, not wanting to spend another second in this awful room.

I could hear a woman screaming down the hallway, her cries rising as something meaty pounded into her.

Oh,

spoke.

That just came out of nowhere.

That was like a hell.

All right.

All right.

Well, that was uncomfy all at once.

Yeah.

So I get blamed for laughing at a child getting his head blown off.

Something meaty pounded into her.

I wasn't laughing at that.

I was laughing at like the story had none of that.

And then it's.

No, I know.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, to be fair, it could be like thuds of a punch, to be fair.

Sure.

just like in the Shammy Taffy story, where when something was

a WWE start, it was a WWE game.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, it was a tombstone pile driver.

Yep, yep, no wind house.

Let's get into it.

Let me start by saying that Peter Terry was addicted to heroin.

God,

damn.

What a, what a, oh, what an insentient.

Whoa.

Just sort of the game.

30-year-old window guns, just like just like me.

This is gonna if this is like super graphic I've set myself up for I don't think it is I don't think it is I feel like this is definitely gonna be one where I'm gonna be like why the hell you of course this is like what a 13 year old loves

I'm just hoping it doesn't go Jeff the killer as as goofy as that.

We'll see there was probably like a hot tall woman in there somewhere and 13 you're on me was like Peter Terry's heroin dealer was a seven-foot-tall woman named Helga.

He's like, oh oh, God.

Thank God.

There she is.

She was known for her dark lipstick and fishnets.

And I just, like, 13-year-old me is like, yeah, brother.

Fishnets, a typo negative shirt.

You're like, a tall glass of water.

A typo negative shirt.

All right.

Let's go.

There you go.

I will say.

I'm just glad that you're at least doing Rob.

It gives a nice, at least there's one voice that isn't mine in there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Although it would be funny to watch you struggle after it.

Now I'm now now robbed.

There it is, yeah.

Yeah,

that's right.

What did I say?

Is that your Wendigoon impersonation?

What would you do?

What would you do if you did my voice?

What would I do if I...

You're kind of up in this register a little bit, and you have a little bit of like a southern twang to it.

So sometimes you're kind of up here, is what I hear.

It's pretty good.

Hello, gentlemen.

I'm here to talk to you about a story.

It's like I'm talking to a man.

Hearing it now, I'm like, that is the worst impression I think I ever had.

I think that's pretty good.

We'll see what they have to say about it.

My commune with the heavens has ended, and I'm returned to the cold, unforgiving earth.

It doesn't welcome me back.

I hit the slope.

Man, she must have been falling for a while, huh?

Yeah, I mean, if she like had life time,

I'm gonna guess that kind of,

yeah, I'm gonna guess she lives because the dead deer break her fall.

But she's gotta like.

Yeah, she's gotta break a bone or something.

At least, right?

I hit the slope.

Yeah, she's gotta break a bone or something, I think.

Definitely.

Is that me?

Break arm.

Is that what you're doing?

Is that me?

Is that my voice?

Yeah, that's your.

That's what you're saying.

Cut that.

Cut that out.

Hey.

Yeah, probably not that.

Let's put that.

Hey, no.

I don't like the direction.

It's funny when we're making fun of the British people.

Cut that out.

I mean...

Just like a bit.

You smell like lavender.

Let me touch you.

I want to caress your cheeks and pinch your cheek just like my grandson.

He died in a drowning accident when he was seven years old.

Why did you say drowning accident just then?

Bend been drowned.

Okay, all right, all right, all right.

I forgot that was the title of the story.

That's the title of the

story.

I forgot that was the title of this story because this story does go to a drowning being related.

And I was like, there is no way you just pulled that out of the air.

You had such a fucking pointexter point there.

You're just like...

How did you know that?

Actually,

how did you know that that was going to happen?

Like, the title says, Ben Drown.

Oh,

okay.

He flashed a crooked smile at me and asked what I was looking for.

And immediately I noticed that he must be blind in one of his eyes.

Imagine finding finding that.

What, just seeing that?

You're just like, oh, we moved into our new home.

You open the closet and that's there, that painting.

If I saw that in my house randomly, I'd be like, oh, I guess Hunter came by.

No.

First off, you were 100%.

First off,

first off, one, I would say

the painting is just too good.

Like, I couldn't paint that good.

So I would say,

you need to run.

You'd call me and be like, you call me and be like, you'd be like, did you just pull a practical joke on me?

Also, I'm getting really good at your voice.

Every time you do an impression of me, it's a different part of the country.

It's either like Kansas,

see, I think honestly, I've started to really,

really own it in though, and I'm very excited on it.

Are you pulling a practical joke on me?

You're always kind of a beer.

Is that what I am like?

I got too long,

is that what I sound like to you?

Yeah, every time

you all are giving me the craziest gifts,

Am I just a stupid, like,

dairy farmer?

No, you're like,

I'm like a dairy farmer from the 40s.

What the heck is that?

What the heck is that?

Am I going to wake up?

If I wake up one day and there's a meat canyon cartoon and I'm in it and I'm like, oh, what is this all about?

Someone's going to break into your house and they're going to be like torturing you.

Like, are you guys serious?

Did you leave your shoes shoes on?

You're tracking mud all through the house,

is what it'll mean.

I said, You're making me

are you serious?

It wasn't a bad life, but I can certainly see how it made me into the introverted person I am today.

I took comfort in books, and I experienced the world through them.

Go ahead, I heard that last.

This is fun, it is fun.

I'm just actually picturing you like

just young now.

If you want to say easily and i took comfort in books now that you have to do my exit on top of that yeah i'm a guy so good at it i experienced the world through them

i hate that voice so much

it's just like never-ending story

where's falcorad oh my god

i can't describe what it sounds like but it makes me mad i know i know i'm sorry it's such a cartoonish version of your voice it's not that we think there's going to be something great beyond the passage.

We just like the idea of being the first humans on the face of the planet to set foot in a virgin part of the cave.

Although, if we found a hidden treasure, that would be fine with us.

You got to throw the hidden treasure stuff in there, right?

Of course.

I feel like that has to be a thing that people don't care about.

When you were younger, when you used to play around, did you hope that you would stumble

upon some kind of money?

Like gold or something.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, you come across a chest.

I feel like that

has to be lost in these younger generations, dude.

Yeah, the kids don't know kids with their TikToks and their ice creams looking for pirate treasure anymore.

No, they don't look for pirate treasure anymore.

They're just too worried about TikTok dancing and changing sexualities.

I'll tell you what, Obama's America took it took the treasure maps away from us.

They took the treasure maps away.

They took the treasure maps away and made people want to be dogs.

What has this country come to?

If only McCain would have won the election.

Back when I was a kid, you go out with your buddies and then Jerry gets bit by a copperhead and he died out in the woods like a man.

Yeah, back then.

Now what?

You get hooked up on dialysis and live for 40 years?

Yeah, exactly.

You either get bit by my country.

You get bit by a copperhead or you and your buddies do some things that you keep some secrets to your grave.

You and your buddies go out there, you find your dad's moonshine bottle, and you make some mistakes.

Like good Christians.

You don't tell nobody except your assistant pastor, then you don't go to that church no more.

Well, we call it mistakes, but really they're happy accidents.

There's some happy accidents.

That's what I tried to tell the assistant preacher.

He got me out of that church.

As a matter of fact, he threatened to register me with the state of Illinois.

So that's why I told the family we were moving to

out of Detroit because you know the business was gone in the region.

That's why we're down here now.

But I look, I'm just saying that that is the kind of heart no one wants to work anymore.

Okay, so that's why that's where this country's brought this to sometimes the cucumber tastes better pickled

so how

so

i'm trying my head's like what does that even mean and the other half of my head's like just don't think about it too hard

look all all i'm saying all i'm saying is that if it wasn't for if it wasn't for the liberals running this country we would have real men built on built on work like that that's all I'm saying.

This is a random thought I'm having, and this is just completely random.

Is

how many people do you think when they were paddling around with their buddies,

just walk around a crick?

You know, you're like, oh, is that a, I think I see a coin.

How many times do you think somebody just murdered their friend just out in the

just out by the crick?

I mean...

I don't think it was that many, but over a coin?

My coin.

No, no, no.

Not for a coin.

I'm just saying like

undiagnosed rage or something oh you're saying how many like murders never got reported sure yeah but sure specifically with like boys just being boys and hanging out right I mean I'm sure I'm sure that kind of thing happened I mean there I'm seeing stories of like I mean look at the number of missing kids back in like the you know 1920s on right it's like okay not all of those are actually missing you know right right like a few of them had to be like oh did johnny you want to to go want to go on that rope swing today and uh bob never comes home so kind of scary to think about huh

i mean yeah

there's

oh yeah i mean

yeah it's horrible yeah

makes you think huh hunter is there something you want to tell us

no yeah

anything that happened to you hunter i like how when i don't do the bit the way you want it like you do the bit yourself and pretend to be me on the other side

Is there something you want to tell us about, Hunter?

No.

Well, in a way, I'm wondering, you know, did he even put out that the funeral was going to happen?

Is he just embarrassed?

Is he just mad that he's like, oh, I look stupid now?

Like, I don't know.

Man, this is that is a lot of heavy things that I'm sure Sam cannot unpack.

Yeah, yeah, it's especially for a 16-year-old who works in a sandwich shop.

Yeah, so they say Mayo is the sauce of the aristocrat.

Poor kid.

He's like, the guy's just like, what?

All right.

Well, he claps his hands.

I'll talk to you later, Mr.

DeSan.

And Carl's like, what was that?

He's like, I just want to give him something to thank on.

Don't worry.

He's totally bought.

That's why Sam would say, everything's perfect.

Gets him every time.

Yeah.

Okay, hold on.

Not to jump the gun.

I'm drawing a connection between this and the pool float in my head.

Right.

Anyway,

there's a full floor.

You want to explain how?

Well,

a pool float is truly the balloon of the water, right?

So

there's a pool float.

That is intuitive.

Wait, hold on.

Pool floats are like balloons that sit on water.

Okay.

Write it down.

Write it down.

Get your notebook out.

Jot that down.

Jot that down.

So the idea is that strangers send in pick, like you said, people were sending pictures of landmarks and stuff.

So it's people like, oh, well, I'm from here.

This is what it's like.

I would

hate to see what some of these pictures were.

I have a feeling that this is a disaster project, is what this is coming to be.

Look, like I said, it was the 90s.

That wasn't on the 90s.

No one really.

Kids were just flying into vans left and right.

That's how it felt.

Here's a picture of my van.

I'm going to pick you up from school on Thursday.

Oh, yay.

I've got lots of candy.

I have lots of candy.

I've got balloon floats.

I've got shark floats.

It's a balloon for the water.

They say floats are the balloons of the sea.

They say that's

the storm.

Is that the balloons of the storm?

What's that thing I said during Varasco?

Oh, mayonnaise.

It's the sauce of the aristocrat.

It has been mayonnaise the sauce of the aristocrat.

That's what this dude writes back to the kid.

The kid's like, what?

What is it?

Okay.

Okay.

Do you know the word creature was banned for a while from r slash two sentence horror stories?

Really?

Because every yes, because everyone was using the word creature in every story that became a meme.

They would just write, they'd write two sentence stories that are like, I felt a weird presence in my house.

It was then that I saw the creature.

It was then.

I saw the creature.

I'm going to shirt so bad.

It was then I saw the creature.

People, it became a joke to go on two-sentence horror and just like make something dumb with the word creature in it.

Like, I almost felt like Christmas, except I've got no eggnog.

Thankfully, I can just milk some more from the creature.

The family enjoys their milk at the table.

Little do they know it was harvested from my creature.

The majority of them are literally just milking some kind of creature.

Hey, chef, I called into the kitchen.

My meal began being produced by a creature.

Hey, chef.

Yes, chef.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, you get, you get the idea.

People just.

Let's keep reading.

We're almost done with this.

We'll get you through it.

Well, yeah, I want to get you done with this fucking Eilish Jack bullshit.

Real quick, I need to read a couple more of these two sentence horror stories that I saw while I was searching it.

I just, I need to just put this out.

Hey, you!

They said the library was safe and nothing was here.

I think about how that was a lie as I sit here, bleeding out from my missing arm.

Can you imagine a full two-hour podcast with two sides horrors?

Just me and you doing this for two hours.

Oh god, that would be hell.

No!

As I fell.

No more idea!

No!

No more!

As I fell on my bed.

Please, can we just read the pancake family?

I decided to go on a tour of the IKEA factory.

Little did I know that I would find the creature that lays the IKEA meatballs.

Jesus.

All right.

Don't say for work, the pancake family.

We're good.

We're getting one more.

Give me one more.

You do that.

You read it to them.

I'm going to go grab a Baja Blast.

No.

I'm going.

I'm getting a Baja Blast.

Like, Hunter is so privileged.

This guy, he hears Isla's jacket.

He's like, wow, I can't believe that physically hurt me.

It's the worst thing I ever heard.

He wasn't in the trenches when I was.

I think he didn't grow up.

Did he drive to Taco Bell to get a Baja blast?

Is that what he was doing?

Coming back.

And if there's still two cities horror being read, I quit.

Come on in.

Have a seat, said the dentist who invented the electric chair.

Who invented the electric chair?

All right.

R slash no sleep.

And this is uploaded eight years ago by A.

A.

Peterson.

The dollar said.

Four stamps.

Ooh.

Oh, no.

One of their customers was

the guy.

Oh, no.

Oh, I feel dirty.

Oh, I'm sorry, everyone.

If that's where this is snow cone, please.

This is going to be a supernatural.

Look, look, I'm banking on it.

This is going to be supernatural.

It's not going to go there.

Yeah.

It's not where this is.

I shouldn't have sold that snow cone to that ghost.

One snow cone, please.

It's like a

snow cone.

Ooh.

Yeah, exactly.

It won't be about a child predator, because it'll be about that, for sure.

Shouldn't have sold a snow cone to that ghost.

It was really weird and just totally out of character for her, like I said, but I also found it kind of funny that she was being more playful and a little less serious.

I shouted that I loved her and called her a weirdo.

As I shut the door behind me, I heard her laughing.

Oh, I don't like that.

Even from him, I don't

that whole interaction was,

I love you, you fucking freak.

Behind the door,

like, what can you get?

I bet dinner parties at their house are unbearable.

Hey, we're throwing on the football game tomorrow night.

I'm like, no, no, I'm good.

Hey, babe.

Hey, you freak.

I'm in my attic.

they just got a touchdown she makes the best pork roast doesn't she guys it's like she's like hanging from the ceiling like a spider and she's like crisscampering across the walls

isn't her guacamole delicious oh man it's a delightful she's like she's like you just hear laddin coming from she's not speaking it but there's laddin coming from her

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And now, a word from Hunter.

The nagging feeling that the day ahead will be one of bitter and immediate consequences.

I mean, yeah, she's got to walk back and be like, oh, Clyde's dead, by the way.

Yeah, Clyde, Clive killed himself.

Sorry,

and I also was there and facilitated it.

So that's me presenting.

But I heard his life story, and it was beautiful.

But don't worry, he wanted it.

to happen.

He was very, he said, as he was disintegrating, he just kept chanting Pog over and over again.

It was very,

it was very, it was very, very cool and then finally as he drew his last breath he just said baste and then he immediately disintegrated into fine ash

pog pog

she's writing in her notes as he's disintegrating chat is this real

yeah

chat chat is this chat is this real is this real chat is this real chat is this real chat i don't know

I can't believe what I'm saying, Chad.

This is real.

Have you seen the...

Oh,

I was about to ask!

Oh my gosh, I was about to ask if you've seen the animation of XQC!

Yeah.

Yeah, I've seen it.

Oh my gosh!

Oh my gosh!

I'm so stupid.

For those that don't know, I was just about to ask Hunter if he's seen Hunter's animation.

Yeah, I've seen it a couple times.

That that meme comes from.

Oh my gosh.

Alright.

Oh, Chad.

chat chat i can't believe it's real

oh my god

wow

wow

i forget that you're important okay

anyway

i had seen texts on her phone while she slept one night and confirmed my suspicions my life had degraded to shit and i had to run out of options humiliated and ashamed i decided death was my only option I'm imagining that he looks over at his wife's phone and there's just like a nude pic and he's like, oh my God, he's been getting she's been getting nude pics from other men you like look over and it's just a guy doing uh a goat brain

a goat brain

yeah it's where you shove your balls to the back of your legs and have to peek out the back of your thighs

just his asshole and the goat brain sitting there that's the nude his wife is getting

oh my suspicions are true

my investigation has turned out

inspector Gadget finds out that his wife is cheating on him.

Go, go, Gadget, broken heart.

That's a funny visual.

You have like a Sherlock Holmes type inspector, like 19th century.

And it's just like the most.

Giant magnifying glass

on an iPhone screen.

It's just a guy doing a goat brain and spreading his axle open.

It's like the most vulgar form imagine of all that.

Disgusting.

That he's like, yes,

very wife.

I think me wife may be cheating on I.

It's like he's getting pictures of his wife just like in the most unholy positions, just absolutely just awful.

And he's like, what could all this mean?

Well, I better sleep on it.

This case is nearly cracked, but the clues.

Yeah.

Well, the clues keep stacking.

Just like, just tons and tons of those kinds of pictures, just being she's like holding it in front of his face and just swiping, so she's just like going through the gallery on her phone.

I feel like she's trying to tell me something.

She's like, This is why I'm leaving you.

And he's standing there in like the full, like, tweed-stitched overcoat with the hat and like the pie, sweating profusely underneath the duvet.

A little ways away from the shed.

I found this in the middle of a clearing.

What is this?

And we have a little Easter bunny-looking thing.

That's like, I mean, at one point it was an Easter bunny.

Now it's like vines grown over it.

It looks decayed and like paint-shipped and stuff like that.

But at one point, it was like a little cute bunny decoration.

Yeah, like almost like a yard numb.

Oh, looking thing.

Oh,

my wife opened the door.

Oh.

You want to come say hi to everyone after that heart attack?

It was going to be in the episode.

Oh, it's just Hunter I'm talking to now.

Oh my gosh.

Oh, say hi, Hunter.

Hello, that was very, very funny.

All right, sorry about that.

Anyway, gosh, it sent me because she, I didn't hear anything.

Then she throws the door open like it's time.

Gosh.

Yeah, Easter bunny.

Then it says, I must have gotten turned around because I was walking for what seemed like ages.

Gosh, someone turned on a vacuum cleaner in the house and it scared me to death.

Oh my god, gosh.

You need to figure out your house to change.

I do.

I need to do these raises.

I need to get my house in order.

Well, someone got right outside my door and turned it on, so all I heard was be

like.

Gosh, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna find, I'm gonna buy a shed and I'm gonna sit out there.

No one can bother me.

There you go.

That'll make me feel better.

Yeah, like like they can't actually read its body language because it has just a giant mask on.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Now, I will say the image.

Oh my gosh.

Here we go, dude.

Every time.

I love it.

Every episode.

Shut up.

He already.

I wasn't thinking about it.

I'm busy.

I am working, honey.

Every time.

It's Mr.

bear run

shut up i can't work under these conditions okay

i'm freaking out i'm freaking out right now not outside like room five but actually outside my eyes stung i wanted to cry hold on

kayla

i i promise you i heard it was it was plain as day it was like It was like, knock, knock, knock, like steps.

Oh my gosh, hold on.

I just, I just saw it under under the door.

I think it's my dog.

It's not my dog, it's something with a wet nose.

Benny, is that you?

Yes.

What do I expect the dog?

I was like, what the hell?

I think he's going to talk about yes.

Don't worry, I say, it's just me.

Shut up.

Hold on.

I'm going to open the door.

Well, chat, this is where Wendigen dies.

It was my dog head-butting the door.

You want to sit here for creep cast for a minute?

This is all your fault.

Stupid.

All right.

Okay.

Well, yeah, because

it's such a crazy and empowering, like, such a powerful

word.

Dude,

don't you start.

As soon as we start talking about what?

You do not do this to me right now.

He's got his ears pinned back.

Kayla?

Oh, thank God.

That's her.

Yes, it's her.

All right.

Oh,

you want to show the audience your star pillow?

Oh, Hunter can't see.

That's very cute.

Star pillow.

It's adorable.

For a second, I thought someone was lying on the floor at her edge of the bed talking back to her.

I'm like,

I'm just, I'm just, I'm just tweaking a little bit.

It's okay.

I swear, I keep seeing my door.

The dogs are locked up.

It's not the dogs this time.

There's like, it's just the way the door shuts.

There's a shadow directly in front of the door.

And I don't.

Shut up.

Shut up with your whatever you are.

No, just stop talking.

Quit.

Let me stop.

You are.

You're a loser.

You're a little punk.

That's what you are.

We live in NorCal in a really woodsy town.

So when you look at our bedroom window, there are tons of trees across the street.

It was I keep I keep the reason I keep pausing is I keep looking at my door moves in my mind It was very dark, but I'm fairly certain i saw a man walking behind the first line of trees he was too far away to be the one grumbling but it is very unusual to see anyone over there at this time of night in fact i've never seen anyone there at night ever

okay i'm moving i'm moving the screen over to the right monitor so i can just keep it in my periphery i'll have that all right

I'm going to call my wife and be like, do not open this door.

I would definitely send a text.

It might give you a heart attack.

Can I, you want to know something really funny?

Caitlin just messaged me and said,

The two.

Can you send me the two cynics horror story about the IKEA meatballs?

I can't find it.

Oh, that's great.

Um, hold on.

Where's where's Kayla?

Where's Kayla?

Where's Kayla?

Where's Kayla?

Okay,

hold on.

I'll just leave it on.

Hello.

Hello.

You're on, you're on the podcast right now.

You're on speaker.

Okay.

Okay.

I'm just reading a story with Hunter right now, and I'm so scared I'm going to cry.

So can you please, when you get home, not open the office door?

Okay.

Okay, because I'm so scared that like I'm shaking and I've goosebumps and I've I've talked about you opening the door for two hours.

If you open it, I will probably pee my pants.

Okay.

Okay.

so please don't or text me and be like it i will open it now or something just i'm just so scared okay well i'm going to the store so it's going to be like another hour okay just just please text me before something happens okay okay i love you love you love you bye

bye

all right we're good we're good we're locked in all right nobody knows who made it what its purpose is or why it's on the side of the tree facing into the woods

rather than the side facing the house.

I found all the supplies to make another one j

Kayla!

Don't do this to me.

I had the headphones on and I felt the whole house rumble at once, which normally means someone shuts the door.

Okay, the GPS says she's here.

Okay, whatever.

Ma'am, somebody just came in.

No, ma'am, stay, ma'am, ma'am.

Stay as quiet as you can.

Don't make a sound.

Mommy.

Mommy.

He came inside.

Dude, there was no way for me to do that.

Oh, you were doing so good.

You were doing so good.

You were killing me.

I tried.

Oh, that was great.

Oh, fuck.

There's no way that you're not.

That screaming about

his legs worked or whatever.

You were nailing it.

My last guess was that it was a mummy, but in the end, Josh kept insisting that it was a robot because of the sounds that we heard.

What?

Yeah, what?

Destroy all humans.

Like,

literally sitting there.

He's so funny.

He's like, he's like, I bet it's a mummy.

And then just in the bush, it's just like,

it's just like, I want to kill all human beings.

I want to kill all human beings.

Like, he's like, no, seriously, it's a robot.

He's like, I bet you it's a vampire.

I'm a robot.

I'm a robot.

What?

What?

Do you have a voice modulator just ready to go?

It's my mixer.

It's very convenient and touching.

Oh, that's great.

That's fantastic.

Yeah.

Why haven't we been doing this the whole time?

You do this quotes.

Yeah, I don't know.

I had the strange, fleeting impression that the doors were standing like silent granite monoliths erected by some ancient forgotten civilization for some unfathomable guardian purpose.

That's in it sounds like something you or I would say midway through.

Very, very

creepy cast comment.

Yeah.

And here's a classic creepcast for people's fucking bingo cards I see.

That's very Lovecraftian of him to say.

You think I don't say that?

Especially

this being, in my mind's eye, a very Lovecraftian thing for him to say.

Dad's upset!

I'm glad.

I'm glad you don't have like strong feelings about it or anything.

Wait, let's go ahead and knock the rest of them out, okay?

Man, if Kyle from Baraska was here, oh man, he'd be having such a great time.

Yeah, Kyle from Baraska be like,

cough and barasca be like

uh yo john why are you so why are you acting so weird right now

yeah i'm definitely not holding up something to the camera for you to not be able to see uh my wife isn't here to get me so that one won't work um i already made a you're gonna want to see this joke uh

it's right behind me isn't it same thing something has to fall so here's a pin and then you have to make fun of my accent

You have to make fun of my accent.

I think that's all of them.

All right.

Shut up.

We can continue on with this right now.

Oh my

God.

Hames, let's go.

Papes.

It's going to have the seven months of shit.

Uh-oh.

Jay!

Jay!

Oh, Jay, you stupid son.

Oh, fuck up!

It's such, it's a guy in a mask, but it gets me every time.

I hate it.

Such a basic jump scare, and every time I just.

Chasing him down the hallway.

That run sequence is so funny.

That run.

Oh, my God.

Look at his arms.

You get bad.

Why did he do this?

You're thinking you can get away from me.

Come here.

You think you can get away from me, Batman?

Get away from me.

Jump scare was still good.

She didn't have to tell me twice.

I really liked Mira and I hated seeing her like this.

The front didn't end up being much better.

I could hear Mira crying over the store's dated music track.

Her sobs.

Jesus.

She's just like bawling her eyes out.

Guy sitting there like making ham sandwiches.

Would you like black olives with that?

Scream crying in the back.

Her sobs went from pain.

Her sobs went from painfully audible

to muffled whispers.

Oh my gosh.

Yeah, she's like, ah!

And then it turns on to,

and she's like throwing stuff like you hear stuff breaking.

It's especially weird too when you're a kid, when you're kind of like younger, like if you're 15 or 16, and you are like looking at an adult cry, it's even more awkward.

I don't know why, but it's just something where it's like, you're not supposed to do that.

You know what I mean?

So it's like, this is this like adult woman who's just like bawling, and this is like 15-year-old kid who's just like, I'm just here to make pastrami sandwiches.

I have nothing to give.

Like, yeah, you're.

So what he says here, he says, after half an hour, I decided I had to do something.

Has Has Mira told you about her um

appointments?

Uh, no.

Well, we've been trying to get pregnant for years.

Long, painful year.

Kind of a

long,

painful years.

I'm sorry, it's not funny, it's not funny.

It's just such

a brain of a 12-year-old.

I'm sorry.

Long, painful years.

Okay.

It's just so important for her to have a baby.

And you know, she blames me for our problems.

Man, he's dumping on a 16-year-old.

This, I was gonna say, this 16-year-old is, I mean, this is a fucking, this is a heavy load.

This is a lot.

Yeah, you know,

do you know that my wife in there who's losing her job blames me for infertility?

Do you know she thinks it's fun?

And he's like, I just, I'm still high I'm ditching score

exactly he's like he's like did you know we got Swiss cheese in we offer Swiss cheese now he's like I want her to be pregnant we've been trying so hard but you know she blames me right you're like yeah so

she looks at me like it's me do you know what that's like to look to come home

So we actually make our own sourdough bread here.

It's like just trying so hard to like get the fuck out of this conversation.

And then I have to go to work.

I have to provide for this house while she runs this dead-end job.

And then I'm the monster.

I come home and it's me.

I'm the devil.

Yeah, so I'm hoping to graduate in two years.

Okay, do you want Pepsi with that?

Yeah.

The old man smiled at me and told me that I could have it for free.

I used to belong to a kid who was about my age that didn't live here anymore.

There was something weird.

What?

What?

What?

What?

What a weird fucking thing.

What do you mean, what?

The old man smiled at me and told me that I could have it for free, that it used to belong to a kid who was about my age that didn't live here anymore.

Could like your grandson?

What does that mean?

The child is a family.

He opened by saying he went to a weird neighborhood.

So I assume he means the neighborhood.

That makes it even worse.

That makes it so much...

An old boy used to come come play this game at my base well it doesn't mean that he okay

no no no no no no no you're doing did he move you're doing the thing did he did he move look i'm did he move no no no he's he doesn't live here anymore

i'm sorry about barasca okay i know that you you have this knee-jerk reaction whenever kids come into stories now because of all that i get it but just because you have an old man who's like oh well i came across this cartridge yeah it belonged to some kid who lived around here.

I don't really need it.

You can have it.

It is not infeasible.

Kid moves away.

Parents son

start giving his stuff away.

Old man buys like a trunk of clothes or whatever.

Who knows what?

And oh, look, there's a game cartridge in there.

I'm going to laugh.

I'm going to laugh so hard, Isaiah.

I'm going to Rothelcopter, as the kids say.

The day

that you were like, hey, I can't record today because someone harvested my organs because you're so fucking naive.

You're going to let someone come in and cut up all your gutty works and take it.

Yeah, sorry, I can't.

Someone took my spleen is what you're going to say.

And I'm like, what happened?

Ah, yeah, I don't know.

This guy was just following me, but it was, it seemed normal.

That's you.

That that is such a cryptic message that it used to belong to a kid who was about my age who didn't live here anymore.

What is that even?

Did he live in the house?

The wider is my grand, my grand.

Because listen, you can do this in a different way where the guy's like, hey, my grandkid used to play games here, right?

But no, this old creepy fuck is like...

And then it was a little,

the kid doesn't live anymore, but if you want it, you can have it.

I'm an old man.

Doesn't make any sense, dude.

Go ahead, keep reading.

Go ahead.

No, hey, I bet the old guy's fine.

Oh, I bet the old, oh, I bet he's a perfectly normal guy.

He could rationalize it in his mind.

Our protagonist could rationalize the interaction as just like a weird way to phrase some kid that lived down the street.

The next sentence, he says that he phrased it weirdly, but it's not, it's not the old man going, it's the kid I had in my basement.

It's just like, oh, a kid lived around here.

And that's enough nuance that your brain can be like, oh, that's a weird way to say it.

I love that the literal next sentence is, there was something weird about the weight of the.

Yes.

Yes, clearly there's something weird about it, but that's not immediately like, I capture children.

Okay.

All right.

Can I go back to the story?

Yeah, I'm waiting to hear what happens next.

Are you?

Can you imagine Slenderman giving you galaxy gas?

It's galaxy.

I heard some jokes about it.

Is it just nitrous?

Well, it's nitrous.

It's nitrous oxide, but it's like a giant.

Like, you know those Coleman thermoses?

It's like the size of that.

whippets are just like tiny little capsules the galaxy gas thing is like flavored it's like banana cream and it's like

destroyed

do not here's a p here's a psa do not do galaxy gas guys well you know you know how nitrous oxide gets you high do you know what the function of it is i thought it just suffocates like part of your brain

suffocates your brain yeah so it kills brain cells well dude to such a degree that you feel high because your brain is dying.

Do you think our show instantly makes you stupid?

Do you think our show is big enough to where somebody has been listening to us read terrible creepypastas and they're getting high on

galaxy gas?

Yes.

On pina colada galaxy gas?

It tastes like dream sickle.

Tastes like coconut food.

Like falls back in his deal.

Yeah, we're just like

just like listening to the left right game he took a left and then a right

yeah someone some

someone's like overdosing

as the cheer as the tv's like i don't know about this bristol we we ought to get you back

hold on come go back come back to the middle

overdosing on galaxy gas at the part when uh

the main character of left-right game is talking to their like future angel ethereal self would be such a trip.

Someone look completely high and they're just like, oh my fucking draw.

It's like, I'm the future and the past.

The guy's like, what the fuck?

Someone's like about to die.

It's a horse shot of galaxy gas container.

Someone's about to die.

And we're like, we just have to make it to Winterb.

We just have to.

Yeah, the ambulance is there.

Sir, can you hear me?

Winterby.

I've never seen Alex act the way he does in the following raw footage from Marble Hornets.

What do you think Marble Hornets is about?

Especially where it's like Brian's gonna reflect here later.

I uh

it's uh it sounds like

I'm sorry, I'm just thinking about the over time.

Oh,

oh, oh,

oh, God.

Dude, stop.

It smells like horchada in here.

It smells real bad.

I've been meanwhile on the TV.

Vahadam just missed Wells.

Don't like it with the.

I see God.

Oh, God.

Dude, stop.

You're starting to scare me.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

I see the devil.

I see the devil.

Hey!

Hey!

No!

Would that be good?

What the where did you just whip that out from?

What?

What are you saying?

I see God.

I see the devil.

You're the voice modulator just gritting ass.

Imagine you're sitting in a room with a guy.

You guys are watching Marble Hornets.

You just hear.

You're like, what are you doing?

You're like, do you see that?

Do you see that little demon in the corner?

Or is it just me?

Dude, Bryce, you're starting to scare me, man.

There's an angel tapping at the door.

There's an angel tapping at the door.

That would scare the shit out of me.

There's an angel tab at the door.

Just play the video.

Thomas, we need to talk

and not out here.

Can we go inside?

I didn't like how close you were to the mic just in that.

Like, that was in my brain.

I'm right in your ear, Thomas.

Stop, stop.

I'm going to actually put it.

I hate.

It It stinks out in the hallway because I farted.

Oh, God.

She had Taiwanese food for the first time in years.

So much.

I hate you so much.

This is so gross.

What are you doing?

Quit.

I can't stand it anymore.

I can't take this show.

Shut up.

Can I read the story?

Yeah, go.

Good.

You complained about sidetracking it, and here you are talking about Taiwanese.

Yeah, no, that was bad.

That was bad.

I'll admit it.

That was bad.

I know.

Yeah, you're complained for five minutes about how I derailed the show.

I'm sorry.

People don't deal with anything relating to that sort of business around here anymore.

That was all a long time ago.

Following her statements, she attempted to be cheerful again, excusing herself to the restroom and wishing us the best on our return trip to New York.

Okay, if this is a Barosca scenario, I didn't do it.

Okay,

no, but I'm wondering.

Um,

I'm wondering if there's maybe some sort of infamous family or something.

Also, like, she's just like, Excuse me, I have to go take a shit.

She's like, have a good, have a good return trip.

Because also, what is

children tunnels, not me.

Children tunnels?

Yes, of course.

To the bathroom.

Yeah, now I'm going to go take my regular afternoon poop.

The thing about her, though, commenting like, oh, you guys are really far away from home is very suspicious.

As soon as you read that, I was like, oh, okay.

Uh-oh.

It can be.

It certainly can be.

And I had a bit of a tense there, too.

But at the same time, I've said that to people.

Like, I've been at a gas pump and seen someone with like a Pennsylvania tag and be like, what brings you down this way?

Or whatever.

It's just a southern thing.

You creep.

Yeah.

You creep.

Average Isaiah gas station moment be like

someone.

Yeah, I hate when people say like, oh, like when I have like my Missouri plates and I'm like, I had to drive to like LA when I first graduated college.

People would be like, oh, Missouri.

Oh, you're very far out.

And I'd be like, why the fuck does it matter to you?

Leave me alone.

I don't, who the fuck are you?

Yeah.

Oh, I'm fine.

Good observation.

Good fucking observation, dude.

Hey, what do you want?

My social security number next?

You creep.

They're trying to talk to you.

What's your blood type?

That's your second question you always ask people.

What we had a point.

Oh, the whole like talking to people.

I had a conversation with something the other day because someone else had Tennessee tags.

And he was like, oh, what brings you down this way?

And I'm like, oh, down here, blah, blah.

And we started talking about Tennessee and stuff like that.

It's just a night.

You can have nice one-minute conversations with strangers.

Don't fucking look at my car anymore.

That's what I would say.

Are you

from New York?

Because you're acting like a Yankee.

Okay, you know what?

Maybe I am.

I'd be like, you know what?

Why are you looking at my white?

Did or my license plate?

Was it that peculiar to you, dude?

Leave me alone.

I have a feeling a lot of people in chat are going to agree with me.

I think a lot of our commenters are going to be like, yeah, if a guy came up to me, he's like, oh,

that's because, that's because you're afraid.

That's because, okay, for the one,

your wife sure does look pretty in that.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

You're describing two different things.

You're describing.

Stop doing the accent right now.

No.

Stop it.

Mr.

Welles, I will tell Mr.

Welles this immediately.

Mr.

Welsh back in town now.

No, there is a difference between someone going, oh, cool, what brings you this way?

And someone going, your wife looking real pretty in that truck, boy.

I don't see a delineation.

I do not see any delineation at all.

What brings you to town?

It's the same to me as, oh, you have a pretty set of hands.

That's the exact same thing to me.

Your head would look great on my mantle.

You got soft hands, boy.

You know, just rotting.

Well, I'm wondering, too, if the girl that we just talked to, if she smells that way, too, because she's just technically rotting

skin and stuff.

Even the people walking around smell that way.

Everyone's decomposed.

Or maybe it just smells like bacon.

Who knows?

If it just smelled like bacon, but you couldn't have any.

Well, I'm not.

I'll be honest.

The older I get, the bacon becomes less and less alluring to me, if I'm being completely honest.

And now I will go as far to say that when my, my wife will make bacon for herself for like breakfast sometimes, and I, oh, it almost makes me gag the smell of bacon.

Are you the Grinch?

What the heck?

You don't like the smell of it?

I don't know.

I honestly don't know.

I used to, I used to like, now I don't know why, but like the smell of bacon for some reason, it makes me like seriously sick to my stomach.

I'm like, I can't do it.

And I'm going to sound like a little Nancy, but I will will say, don't mind turkey bacon.

Love some nice turkey bacon.

All right.

Here's what needs to happen at some point.

Me and you need to go camping.

And I'm going to go.

You're going to make bacon.

I will throw up on you.

Have you ever, have you ever, okay, smell, sure, smelling bacon in an enclosed kitchen is one thing, but have you ever been like outside and like smelled bacon like on a

campfire type stuff?

Definitely.

And you don't like that?

Well, it's been a while, but I feel like now even

I would rather smell the beautiful fresh air and the trees and not the goddamn disgusting pig meat.

I'm just going to keep reading.

Okay.

How you randomly drop stuff.

You're like, I hate the smell of bacon.

Like, not just like favors.

You know, man, sorry that I'm trying to like just let you know who I am as a person.

Yeah, but every time you let me know who you are as a person, it makes you less human.

The things you dislike.

Then I will stop because if it's going to ruin our relationship as

co-host, then I'll just stop telling you about myself.

I don't want that because it's great material for the podcast.

Okay.

And more importantly than anything to do with you is the success of this channel.

Let's get that.

Well, I mean, I'm glad we're at least in agreeance there.

Yeah, at least at least we got our friends.

You keep being strange.

But I'm just saying that the things that you have issues with aren't like things people have yes or no's about.

It's like core human experiences.

You're like, well, it's just funny, you know, death.

Or it's also like, oh, you know what I hate the smell of?

Food.

Yeah, I didn't say death was funny.

I'm saying that out of nowhere, if a in a story, right?

There is a, let's say, I have this deal of like, I went to every day.

I'm slightly

convinced you are bug people in a hunter-shaped costume.

That's fine.

Actually,

I'm a collection of grasshoppers.

Yeah.

Just inside of human leather is pretty much what I am.

That's all I am.

I'm a grasshopper scarecrow.

That's what I am.

I'm fine with that.

Every now and then when we'll be out to eat or something like that, Hunter will like go to eat his food and like grasshoppers fall.

And he's like, oh, I got to quit doing that.

As you're shuffling them back in really quick.

I picture whenever I got dinner with you and Kayla.

I'm like, you guys are like, yeah, I really love this place.

And it's just me stiff, like my eyes and my mouth open and like grasshoppers just like hopping out of it.

And you're just talking to me as if it's a normal conversation.

I'm just,

yeah, just like, oh, man, how do you like the food?

And you're like a mannequin over there with grasshoppers pouring out on the table.

Yeah, my neck.

My neck falls back and falls off my body.

Like bugs are just like protruding everywhere, jumping and going.

You're like, oh, wow, the steak here is unbelievable.

Everyone's screaming in terror and running out of the restaurant.

You have to try the spinach dip.

It's insane.

Which makes it even better that I'm assuming that you have to.

You had to unbuckle me from the backseat of your car and like jump me into a restaurant.

And then I walk in, like, table for two, please.

That's you over my arm.

That's what I'm going to do when you die.

I'm going to have like a hunter statue.

I bring places.

Like, oh, this is my best friend.

I love him.

Huh?

Isn't that right, Hunter?

Ha ha.

Remember our podcast?

That was a lot of fun.

Hey, hey.

Especially, we like that, don't we?

And the bugs are just like all over the mannequin's face.

It's like, they're like chewing through it.

It's like, just sounds like, sounds like a a bunch of cicadas in the room.

Yeah, it's like the loudest voice ever.

Like all of them clicking off of each other and stuff.

If I die tragically, Isaiah, and you don't have some kind of manic episode and carry out like at least some kind of Funko pop around of me.

Oh, of course.

And I'm going to make podcast episodes with it too, where it's just like sitting there and I'm like, remember, remember Tommy Taffy?

It was pretty wacky, huh?

Verasca.

Hey, 100.

I like to think that you actually go so manic that you're having a conversation with it, but people can't hear the other end.

So it's like, right?

I've said it in public.

Like, hey, what would Kyle from Baraska say?

And then I'm quiet for 20 seconds.

And I'm like,

oh, Hunter, classic, Hunter.

For sure.

My wife's left me.

I live in like a motel room now.

You also definitely put that fungo pop in a jar.

I wouldn't.

Now the tone was dramatic.

See what I mean?

This is what

you take something.

There was a

job.

You take something that is like funny and normal, and you're like, you know what would make this so much worse?

I never want to hear you say the word Baraska again or Tommy Tappy because you do it with real-life scenarios.

It's so much worse.

I don't know, dude.

I've seen the mason jars you have in your house.

I feel like a Funko Pop could fit in there.

All right, anyways, let's keep

when I asked her what was wrong.

She said she had a dream that she was lost in the woods outside and something was following her.

I cuddled with her until she fell back asleep and eventually I draped it off too.

Can I just say something real quick?

Yeah, go ahead.

If I'm being completely honest, and this is just, I'm cringing just a little bit, I fucking hate when people, the word cuddle, cuddled.

He keeps talking about he's...

cuddling the whole time.

I just, I had to put it out there.

I don't know.

So this goes back to my kind of overarching thesis with you that you just hate fun.

Is being intertwined with someone fun?

Can someone in the comments put up a put up a scoreboard right now?

We've got

all my big brothers and sisters are going to be the big boys and girls out there are going to get it because my ass,

if I remotely touch somebody, I get so hot.

All right.

Oh, you skinny little fuckers.

You're talking about weight.

Oh, you just randomly go, all my big brothers and sisters.

I'm like, whoa, what are you talking about?

Yeah, I'm talking

over yourself.

I'm talking about the sickums.

What was I even talking about?

Oh, the things you don't like.

Yeah.

You don't like talking to people at gas pumps.

You don't like cuddling.

What a crime.

You don't like, what was another one we brought up?

I mean, there's several someone mentioned up.

You, for one, we haven't said that before, but sure, throw that up there.

Any guy who does not like

grilled zucchini is an enemy.

All right.

What do you talk about?

I do, actually.

I love grilled zucchini.

It's so good.

It's so good.

It is good.

It's very good.

But yeah,

guys, in the comments, someone give me a list of like all the because I know there's like eight things he said that are completely normal human experiences that he's afraid of.

So someone put that together for me.

All right.

Whatever.

Doesn't like cuddling.

Anyway, okay.

Her nickname has always been Monkey Toes.

Long story.

Gross.

Shut up.

Okay.

Yo, what, what?

Pet names?

You don't like pet names?

Nah, dude.

No, someone add that to the list.

Whoever commented the list I asked for earlier, add that to it.

Making a denial.

I'm not about to call my bitch monkey toes.

All right.

Monkey toes.

Swear.

I'm going to call her Angel or Pretty Face.

Pretty eyes.

Angel.

Toots.

I call Kayla stinky all the time.

Yeah.

I don't agree with that.

I'm like, oh, look at how stinky doing or something like that.

Okay.

we got

home

i didn't know how any of this could be happening it wasn't just that she was asking for help that that was a big part of it it was that my name is thomas oh that's a fun okay that's a fun end to part one i like that

meh

shut up what do you mean meh i don't know i'm like

i'm not i'm not totally bought in yet dude i need i hate fun i don't hate fun i don't hate fun fun i just i'm i feel like it's the

if he feels like he's a part he's the experiment the alpha a muscular three-foot tall son of a bitch named rocco

has been spotted multiple times chewing on people's tires that has been run over at least twice but keeps coming back i don't trust raccoons i have i've never been a big raccoon guy i don't even think they're cute you know what i mean you like rack do you think raccoons are a cute looking animal

okay whoever has the list going i'm going to start a list in this room of the stuff that is normal that people like add raccoons it is not normal for people to like raccoons to associate rabies with raccoons hunter stop okay i raccoons are my favorite animal in the world i love them to death raccoons are your favorite animal in the world bro isaiah bro growing growing up in east tennessee they would come up on the porch at night and like put their little hands out they'd want marshmallows and stuff like they do they're just sweet little

oh sweet

swollen all the time.

Shut up.

You've gotten 16 raccoon bites and you have perpetual rabies in your hands.

Dude, they would get into the trash.

I always said I was going to get rabies, but I didn't care.

They would get.

There we go with the accent changing.

Now I'm Creole or something, whatever that is.

No, that's Alabama.

Okay.

Look, the raccoons are like these little sweet creatures.

They're like little cats, but kind of fat.

And then, like, other than getting in your trash every now and then, they'll just hang hang out near the house.

They're cute.

They carry their babies around.

They're adorable.

Everyone likes raccoons.

The only time

the only time they bite people's fingers is when, like, people mess with their babies or something like that.

Like, they bite my fingers.

Perfectly peaceful.

I love them.

They're cool.

I love raccoons.

Someone at one of the live shows, which is, as you described them, terrorist,

they have a pet raccoon and they wrote me a letter and then had their raccoon do a little paw print on the bottom of it.

It was so cute.

I would have crumbled up and I would have thrown it in their face and said, get that shit away from me.

I bet you would.

You know what?

Why don't whoever shows up at the live show?

Why do you want to talk to that guy?

You know what?

Meet and greet's just for me.

There'll be a better show.

Just wait.

I do not blame you.

The meet and greet is completely on your shoulders.

Okay, if someone in the comments of this one leaves like the list of stuff Hunter doesn't like, I will, I promise I will write it down somewhere here and we will keep a live tally of things that he is like bad about.

Short list.

Short list.

Yeah.

A couple things.

Yeah.

yeah rational man talking to people in public like speaking to someone at a gas station that was one rational uh cuddling that was one pet names

just anything that involves care or love you're just you're just

okay

all right

yeah he quit he quit because he knows i'm right anyway back to the gas station as soon as i walk by you're on the phone you're like oh hey whatever he didn't say anything he's just like bringing his groceries in he gets in he's like picking the groceries up and putting them into the hotel room.

And she's already grabbing your shit and helping.

Oh, here you go.

I'd be like, get the fuck away from my

times they interacted with each other.

They may have

second times in this hotel.

Even if, even if it was you, I'd be like, why the fuck are you?

Like, if you, let's say we, when we go on a tour, right?

And we're in the same hotel.

If I was walking down, I saw you on the phone.

I was walking by with like some stuff I got at Quick Trip or like at a gas station, right?

Some snacks.

And then I turn around and you're right behind me helping with my bags and i'd be like isaiah fucking what are you like get back up dude back up give me some breathing room hey can i help you can i put these bags in your room nah nope don't like it all right i'm uh can you pause it real quick

all right i am adding to the list helping with you're saying that if you if if if you were like coming up and you're you're in your own zone right I'm doing my own thing.

You're like, you haven't really, there's no kind of back and forth yet of like, oh, hey, come on in.

And I was just already walking into the room.

You wouldn't just be like, well, that's kind of rude.

I don't really want you to just walk in my room.

And then also to have her be like, no, Hunter, because

you are my friend.

Okay.

And it's not weird for friends

to help their friend bring in groceries.

If I sat there and I if I sat there and I was like, what's all these groceries for?

What are you doing in here?

Why are you here?

You can at least give me that one.

If it was you, give me that one.

If it was you, is that what you're saying?

No, no, no.

If it was like, if I, if me and your relationship was like Jay and Jessica, which who knows?

If I met you one time and you just started helping, I'd be like, well, that's a little much.

I can agree with that.

Thank you.

But then

you certainly,

oh, if I helped you with groceries, it's like, okay, no.

No, no, no.

Because I want to know when you're my friend.

Make sure you delineate that it is, it's not just help with groceries.

It's that

it's, it's, it's, there was no

there was no dialogue of being like, Hey, let me help you with that.

Oh, sure, man, thank you.

So, whatever.

I am putting my things down.

I've unlocked my door.

I don't even know you're behind me, right?

All of a sudden, Isaiah's behind me,

give it back shots, 4K, Slenderman style.

And I'm like, Hey, whoa, what are you doing back here?

I'm giving, I'm giving you back shots.

Is that what you're saying?

That's what you're saying.

I don't know the aether to see what happens.

No, no, no, that's what I'm just saying.

That's you, you connect to those dots.

That is not what I said.

You said it.

No, you said you're no, no, no.

Okay, I think more importantly, while we're on this topic,

I would like to thank Agnavelli, who in the last episode has begun putting together the comprehensive list of the things Hunter hates.

And I just want to run through them really quickly with you, just so you can confirm or deny.

Okay.

Are you there?

Yeah.

All right.

So, gas station small talk.

Yeah, I don't like it.

Nope.

Okay.

Raccoons.

Nope.

Correct pronunciation of words, especially anaconda, solemnity, etc.

I like that.

You do like that?

I like that.

My speech is especially very good.

All right.

Especially.

I'm just going to making this list so that

it can be accurate.

Cuddling.

No.

Yep.

Quote, that son of a bitch at Chick-fil-A.

I like that guy.

Okay.

Yeah.

That dude's good.

Public displays of affection.

No, no, sir.

No, thank you.

Children.

You're telling me with PDA, you ever see somebody sitting by one another and they're like, somebody's like whispering into each other's ear and the guy like kisses the girl's neck and shit.

And you're just like, what the fuck?

Like, take that somewhere else, dude.

You ever see a guy kiss a girl's neck in public?

I'm like, god damn.

Even for me, I'm like, I don't know why I get so icked out by that, but it does.

I'll agree when you get to a level of like private intimacy of public, it's holding hands and stuff.

I don't care.

How do you feel about hand holding and like cheek kissing?

And like what kissing?

You say feet kissing?

Cheek kissing.

Yeah, feet kissing.

That's what I meant.

The natural progression from holding hand kissing.

Oh, I don't know how you fly down there.

Kissing.

Cheek kissing.

Cheek kissing.

Kisses someone on the cheek.

You know what?

If you're over the age of 50, if you're over 50 years old, cheek kissing is fine to me.

All right, I'm leaving that one up then, the PDA.

Children.

Don't care for them.

Okay, children calling parents mommy or daddy.

Literal throw up in my mouth right now.

All right.

The laughter of children.

Most deafening sound on earth.

Others showing happiness.

Okay.

That's below the belt.

All the other ones have been very

honest.

I like seeing other people happy.

Okay.

Okay.

All right.

Jeff Goldblum impressions.

Don't need an answer on that one.

Meet and greets.

I'm thrilled.

You know what?

So the hesitation.

No, no, no.

I want to put out there, I'm thrilled to see the people who were able to get their tickets.

I can't wait to see you.

Uh-huh.

The feeling of blankets on cold nights.

Oh.

Oh, love them.

Pet names.

Despise them.

You know what I really hate?

I hate baby.

I don't like that.

I also think it's inappropriate for women to call men daddy.

We need to stop that.

Bacon.

I don't like bacon.

I like turkey bacon.

Can I get half the point for turkey bacon?

No, no, you can't.

As long as you have to still like, you have to still like pork bacon and you can prefer turkey bacon, but if you don't, I can't help.

When I was younger, I liked it, but the older I get, the more the smell makes me gag, dude.

Okay, so I'm leaving bacon on there.

Old people,

waste of space, get them out.

All right.

Disney adults.

Oh.

That one's fine.

Probably the worst.

That one's understandable.

Pears.

You know what?

Canned pears, not bad.

Let's see.

I'm like a doctor's visit.

Taylor Swift.

You know what?

I can pop my pussy to some Taylor Swift sometimes.

So, yes?

I don't mind Taylor, dude.

Root beer.

No, terrible.

Root beer and cream soda.

Can't stand.

I'm going to add cream soda as well.

Go ahead.

Put it on there.

Listed, but we're going to put that on there.

Let's see.

Gravy.

Don't care for gravy.

That is disappointing.

That's actually really.

really good.

You know why?

I'll tell you, and it's not good.

What kind of gravy do you guys have in the Midwest?

Like a white sausage-based gravy.

Okay, that's

we'll do white.

We'll do squirrel gravy a lot back home.

What?

But sausage gravy is pretty good.

Yeah, squirrel gravy is really good.

It's very, very sweet.

God.

It's delicious.

Yeah, sorry that I live.

Okay, 17.

Let's see.

That's 18.

Settlers of Catan.

You see

those little guys carrying those nuts up that tree?

They make the most delicious gravy.

All right.

I'm going to go ahead and mark that as a yes as well.

Christmas.

I love Christmas.

Okay.

Vegetables.

I love vegetables.

Chicken pot pie.

No.

Can't stand chicken pot pie.

Do not like chicken pot pie.

That's a shame.

Should it be squirrel pot pie?

Would that be better?

How about house cat pot pie there, Isaiah?

Should we throw it on any animal?

You know, no, I think you're just being kind of racist against

Appalachian folks.

I'm going to skirt over that because that's not

the problems of the conversation.

All right.

And

this last one, you're going to have to explain to me.

Women touching and fanning their eyes when crying.

That's for a reason one.

That is such a huge pet peeve of mine.

I was watching this show, the Secret Lives of Mormon Wives.

And it's like whenever people have, like, when women have like their face fully fucking lit up with makeup, you know what I mean?

And they cry and to stop for mascara they'll take like their fingers or they'll take like tissues and put them up near their tear ducts on the deal they'll do

and they'll look up they'll look up in the air

and they'll dab it

and that just drives me fucking insane just let the tears fucking flow i can't mess up my makeup it's like you look like a ghoul already all right so with that that makes exactly 20 things that hunter hates currently on the list and it will be sure to continue into future episodes i now have a tally going up the house so don't worry audience We will be sure.

But you know what, Isaiah,

there was some positive movement on things that were

misconceptions.

Yeah, a whole three.

Whole three.

The whole showing happiness.

Hey, the Holy Trinity.

And Christmas.

The Holy Trinity.

Okay.

All right.

All right.

Well, before you get even more blasphemous, let's get back to halfway through entry 30.

If anyone still fucking cares.

There we go.

I frowned a little, unsure what Bonnie means.

She smiles back blankly, then resumes the path back to her car.

She's mentioned that plate- Yeah.

She smiles back blankly, like a good guy.

A blank smile?

That's a horrifying phrase.

It'll all be fine once we get to Wintery Bay.

Yes.

Perfect wintery bay.

You want to explain on that further?

Good night.

Clyde snores.

Yeah, she like unzips her tent.

You just hear like

a guy like dying of snorting in there, like a giant CPAP machine sound.

They have a CPAP in the car.

Yeah, from a generator.

Ah, Wintery Bay.

Here we go.

Just the weirdest people you've ever met.

Yeah.

I know I don't talk much, but I'm going to scare the shit out of you immediately.

Wintery Bay.

With Wintery Bay.

That's funny.

That's a funny phrase to say to people out of context.

It will be fine when we get to Wintery Bay.

And just like,

total average.

You're in the line at like a grocery store.

You know what I mean?

They're like, what?

Oh, nothing.

See you there.

I wouldn't worry about it if I were you.

Don't even worry, your little head.

Worrying makes it hungry.

Oh, you all heard the guy crying in Greek, huh?

Yeah, we'll be there ASAP.

a nine-foot-tall monkey.

Nine-foot-tall monkey that tickles you until you speak Spanish.

He's looking over at the uh, the other ranger like, like,

not it.

I don't know, like, I'm gonna go over there

Rosetta Stone DVD.

We've got to learn to talk to these guys.

Miyamo.

Miyamo-ass gorilla.

Miamo-ass gorilla.

So, do you want to go to the woods one last time?

I raised my eyebrow at him and smiled.

Yeah,

he said excitedly and jumped up off the couch.

Then, embarrassed, he cast his eyes down at the floor.

Yeah, you know,

if you want to, that's cool.

Cool, let's go.

This in-person thing is, I'm glad I get to act and be the caretaker.

Yeah, I did.

The whole time you were reading, I'm like, don't look at me, don't look at me.

Cool, let's go.

Thank you.

When we had gotten a decent way into the trees, Jamie turned around and looked briefly at my face before casting his eyes to the ground.

He rubbed the back of his neck.

I've actually, like,

wanted to kiss you all summer.

Don't look at me when you do that line, read.

It doesn't help that anytime I imagine you as a kid, it's just you, your head now, but on a smaller body.

I was stunned to silence, absolutely dumbfounded that Jamie had found the guts to say anything like this.

I knew I needed to fill the awkward silence left in his wake, so I did the only thing I could think of.

I leaned in and kissed him.

It was,

dude, why did your lips purse when you said that?

He's like leaning over and shit.

I immediately hate the in-person format because

you can do physical bits like right next to me while I'm here.

And I don't realize that until...

I've been really wanting to record in person for like

a long time.

I can tell.

That perfect time where it's like youthful ignorance, but also like kind of upbeat, adventurous kind of.

You have enough agency to go do stuff, but still enough stupidity to put yourself in dumb situations.

It's like the innocence of believing that someone, like if two, if they were 26, you'd be like, do you have nothing better to do?

Yeah.

With your time.

But then being 12 years old, I think, really leans into that.

How old were you when you had your first kiss?

30.

I don't know.

I looked at my wife and I was like,

I looked at my wife.

Did we kiss or?

Not to ruin the tension of this moment, but every time I listen to this part,

the thought form sounds like Yonderi Dev.

I'm not really apologizing for anything.

You know what I mean?

He has the same cadence.

Please.

Hold on, this is important.

The allegations are totally preposterous.

Okay, this is your party.

You're a fucking retard sold out.

Go fucking.

Okay, well, we shouldn't have that.

I didn't want that.

I didn't want that audio.

Maybe let's just go back to the.

Do you hear it?

Do you know what I mean?

Do you did you read my funny DM I sent you?

There's a lot of Jewish propaganda I want to show you.

I didn't imagine you.

Oh, yeah, you did.

I've been rolling around in that head of yours.

What's the favorite?

Oh, um,

you

are manipulating me in this situation.

I'm 16.

I'm like

thirty-eight years old.

Okay, I'm glad.

I had to share that.

It's been on my mind.

I can't.

Okay.

If I'm in your home city, I think that you're trying to learn.

As soon as we hang out together, I'm going to publicly embarrass you as much as possible.

I'm going to walk up to strangers and be like, hi, my friend here wants to know about your day or where you got that purse or something like that.

I'm going to do that constantly.

I'm going to say, you know, I'm going to say, I'm like, that's really funny because my friend's been taking Polaroid pictures of you for about three, probably about 30 minutes, and he keeps talking about his basement.

So I don't know what that means.

So feel free.

Yeah, no, yeah, I want to know stuff.

But I just want to know this guy's been taking pictures of you all day.

Check his phone.

Check his phone.

Maybe as well say.

Okay, if I'm like, oh, my friend here wants to talk to you, and you're like, he, he's, he.

God!

Easy.

Good God.

God, continue.

Let's just continue the story.

No, no, what do you think you were implying with the Polaroid pictures?

Then you're going to murder him.

Oh, dude that that's not as bad debatably okay all right anyway i spent most of my life hunting in those woods so you can imagine my joy when my parents got me a hunting dog

what was that noise that was like a growl no i didn't

no i didn't i didn't

you ever have a hunt you ever have a hunting dog

uh my family did stuff like that i know, like, the kind of hunting I did as a kid was always like deer hunting or like turkey hunting.

You don't really need a dog for that.

We did a lot of dog hunting dogs.

Oh, you did a lot of pheasant hunting?

Yeah.

So that

pheasant and duck and stuff.

So we had like a catcher, basically.

Oh, okay.

And my grandpa.

Did you have one or did you have like several?

Well, we had one.

We had one.

And then my grandpa, who had a stroke,

he would sit in this electric wheelchair.

His fucking mouth would be open.

His eye is blind in one eye.

and he fucking shot the dog in the head and that was really traumatizing

like on accident yeah well i would assume so i mean the man i i don't know why he had a gun in his hand i was too young to really process that this was a horrible thing but no also sorry trigger warning dog death a little late for that hold on you were Were you there?

Yeah, I was right next to you.

How old were you?

I was probably seven.

You were seven years years old sitting next to your beloved hunting dog and your uncle, your grandfather, uncle, what'd you say?

My grandpa.

Your grandpa just blew its brains out right next to you.

Yeah, well, not its, I mean, it shot him in the head.

Yeah.

Did it.

Okay.

I mean, I'm just letting you know what happened.

I was just wondering that.

That's a lot.

I mean, it was a traumatic event.

Yeah, I had a hunting dog, but you're like, when I was seven, my grandpa.

Wait, so did he shoot it on purpose or did he just have a gun in his?

He was just holding a gun in his wheelchair as he was like disabled from a stroke.

Okay.

Yeah.

And so it could have, it might as well have been you that got shot.

It was just like an accident.

Could have very easily happened.

Let me just tell you that.

Could have happened.

It was sad.

I feel like this is going to just bum everybody out.

We should probably just not even include that.

No, you should include it.

I think that that is, that, that has to go in the episode.

That is a legendary hunter confession.

Why?

That was just a confession.

It just doesn't happen all the time.

The story mentioned a dog, and you're just out of nowhere.

Like, I was seven years old.

My grandfather.

They said hunting dog.

We've experienced other dogs in the show, and that story has never been relevant, but now it is.

Yeah, because the word hunting dog was a flashback for you.

It was like a trigger phrase.

It sent you back.

Literally was a trigger phrase.

That's true.

Gosh, that's right.

wrong do you think hold on hold on would you um

would you just i don't know hypothetically say that uh maybe that potentially had some effect on your development that led you to where you are now perhaps perchance no I don't think so.

It definitely, it definitely is as creepy as you going to like find dead bodies or whatever, like you said earlier in like the first episode.

Yeah, but I never found one.

You were looking.

So it's like, it's different.

Yeah, I was looking, but that you were were just a seven-year-old, like, playing with Legos, like, oh,

then, like, you're, like, Fido, your best friend, is executed by your grandfather, right?

Not my best friend, first off.

The dog, I'll be honest, was very mean, was not a fun dog.

So, I'll be honest, no, no tears were really shed.

It was scary.

It haunted me.

I was scared in the moment, but I can tell.

Okay.

That was just a lot.

Okay, I'm not going to

pride you about that anymore.

Yeah, I'm not going to prime you about that one anymore.

That felt kind of rough, uh, but you have to leave it in the episode that's non-negotiable.

So, anyway, Sandy wasn't my property and wasn't treated like he belonged to me.

Sandy was a member of the family, my best companion, and my truest friend.

That was until my grandfather shot him in the head.

You too?

Small world.

That was just a big story for me to just like forget about all at once.

I apologize.

Um,

okay, I'd been talking with my family about taking Sandy, my honey gear, and some essentials to one of the cabins my grandfather owned.

In his hey, uh-oh, we're introducing a grandfather.

This is actually becoming

to be something horrible.

Okay, a few hours of driving later, we were setting up camp in one of my grandfather's secluded old cabins.

Here's where things get screwed up.

Sandy, I'm so, so sorry.

This, this,

like, like an artist.

Is this my life?

What happened to you?

Good God.

It's pretty close.

We were going pheasant hunting in Kansas.

Yeah, exactly.

We're going

pheasant hunting in southern Missouri.

I'm like, Grandpa?

Is that you?

Grandpa.

My seven-year-old cousin watched this unfold.

He now talks about the grossest, most disturbing things he can online.

He's extremely respected.

You want me to read the text you sent me earlier?

Which one?

About you going to the bathroom.

Why do you have to shame me?

Can I not just talk with my friend?

Yosa, here's the thing, too.

You only responded with okay to it.

Yeah,

what other response do you want me to have to that?

I don't know.

A conversation?

A conversation?

If I wasn't hesitant on Twitter trying to shill for disaster relief efforts for the Appalachian Mountains, I would have tweeted that screenshot.

Well, but what I don't want to happen is some like FEMA workers, like, oh, maybe we can get aid.

And then they look at my Twitter and they're like, never mind.

It wasn't that bad.

I was just telling you something honest that was happening in my life, dude.

Okay.

All right.

I'm just going to keep reading.

There were still bigger animals that would have liked to take a bite out of him if there wasn't a lot of food for the winter.

Heard Sandy's bark fade away in the distance and then stop altogether.

Oh, it sucks.

Yeah.

R.I.P.

Sandy.

You must have ran into Hunter's grandfather.

No, no, no.

In his mobility scooter out there.

Yeah,

for some reason.

Like the wheels going.

What kind of.

Not to get too graphic into it, but what kind of gun was he holding?

Because it's more insane if the guy who can't move half his body has like a 12-gauge.

He had a deer rifle.

Come on, man.

So he can't move half his body, but he's in an electric wheelchair with like a full scoped bolt action rifle across his leg.

Yeah.

He can't even lift that.

Why?

Why does he have that?

A man has pride.

At least

that's what they told him.

I figured tomorrow would be the last day before I'd go into town and see if my father would help me find Sandy.

He was retired.

He was a retired grain man, but I was sure if I brought up Sandy's name, he'd be more than willing to help me search for him.

Thankfully, Sandy.

I'm sorry.

I just,

this is a visual of just a guy.

A half-paralyzed man on a mobility scooter.

You know what?

Just stalking through the woods at night, executing any animal he gets across.

I'm bringing my mom into this.

You're bringing your mom into this.

What do you mean, you're bringing your mom into this?

I'm letting you know right now.

Hello?

Mom?

Yes.

Isaiah is making fun of Grandpa Ernest and how he shot our dog Roger.

Can you tell him that

it wasn't that big of a deal?

Yeah, it was a huge deal.

I feel like you almost got shot.

No, no,

he was fine.

Hello, hello, hello.

She can't hear me.

She can't hear me.

Hello, Mr.

Hancock.

Can you hear me?

She can't hear you, Isaiah.

Just what?

I mean, it wasn't what happened to him after the fact,

Ernest.

Hang on one second.

Well, this is not going as planned.

Okay, sorry.

I'm at work.

What'd you say?

What happened to Grandpa Ernest after that?

Oh, we put his ass in a home.

Because he almost shot?

Because he shot the dog?

Yeah.

He's done.

He's done.

Yeah.

How many years did...

I know he's blown.

I mean, this is when I was like seven, but how?

Yeah.

Did he die in the nursing home or did you guys at least take him out?

I think we took him out like once, but yeah, he ended up dying there.

Well, this is a tragically sad story.

It is sad.

And, you know, I just say, don't shoot your animals.

Well, I thought it was an accident.

Was it not an accident?

No, I don't think so.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

Well, this is completely taken away.

You were young.

You didn't know.

Okay.

No.

All right.

Well, this is backfired completely.

I love you, Bob.

I have to go.

Hold on, hold on.

Ask if

you were to.

But she's gone.

This memory is completely ruined.

I thought it was an accident.

It was on purpose.

Don't you've been trying to downplay it the whole episode.

Your father, your grandfather shot that dog on purpose.

And he got thrown in a home where he died oh my gosh that oh my gosh it's not funny it's funny how you like remembered none of it and it's way more tragic i did

oh my gosh i didn't know i didn't know oh that that could not have gone any editor you cut that out right now you cut you leave all of that you cut that out do not leave that in

if you if you do not leave that in i'm quitting the podcast that is the greatest That is the funniest thing that has ever happened on this show.

Oh, my gosh.

You going from just a normal event, like, oh, yeah, it was this accident, into like, oh, we were afraid your grandfather would kill you or something.

So we put him in a home and he died there.

You know,

this is a podcast about.

telling scary stories here.

We're deviating too far from the script here.

We got to just get back to the story.

Oh my gosh.

That was, yeah, that is staying in the episode.

That is the fun.

That is the wildest thing that has ever happened on the show.

Oh, my gosh.

We are going to hear.

You are going to hear about Roger until you're dead.

I waited hours.

I waited hours standing in the doorway.

I believe it's the next one.

Get me out of this hell, please.

No, no, I remember.

Okay, so remember the jokes I was making about like he's out here in the

rudder.

It's too real now.

No, no, it is.

That is the new villain that is up there with Mr.

Wellers.

I am only hearing

it's fucked up because you've planted the seed now.

And now in the woods, all I'm hearing is a mobility scooter cracking leaves and cracking branches rolling through the darkness, random pop shots going off in the middle of the night.

And I feel bad for Sandy.

I'm imagining like he's out here in the woods and you hear me

like the scooter just going through.

Okay.

All right.

Here we go.

Let's get back.

We're back into the story.

People came to listen to a scary story.

Let's give it to them right now.

Boom.

We're back in.

And then I waited until that night, sitting on my porch step, feigning off sleep deprivation to see my dog come back.

Sandy did come back, but not for another three days.

Wait, I read all this.

Yeah.

Not for another three days.

That would fuck me up, dude.

At what point do you, I mean,

what's weird is, I feel like in the morning I would go searching, right?

Or would you even, I would probably go that night with a flashlight, walking around trying to find them?

Yeah, yes, yeah.

What are what?

Where the fuck, why the fuck are you giggling?

Okay.

No.

All right.

I love dogs.

Okay.

I love dogs.

I cannot be beholden

to my family.

All right.

It's just you calling your mom to make it better.

It just

I thought I needed clarification that it wasn't a big deal.

It backfired immediately.

All right.

It was a dude.

All right.

I shot myself in the foot immediately here.

Oh my gosh.

I could see the reflection of his eyes as green pearls.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'll redo that.

I could see the reflection of his eyes as green pearls, and the murder.

What?

Come on.

We got to get through this, or people are going to get mad at us, dude.

I'm telling you, we have to get through this.

And his eyes, I could see the reflection of the mobility scooter getting closer.

The dog wasn't even looking at him, dude.

It was from behind.

Come on.

This story has completely been derailed.

People are going to be so fucking mad at us.

I am sorry.

If there is an audio listener, I am so sorry for this fucking horrible.

I'm a horrible person.

I'm sorry.

Here we go.

It is not funny that a dog lost his life.

I love dogs.

It's just funny that that hunter was witness to all of this and processed none of it until five minutes ago.

Oh, man.

Ah.

Okay.

Just the image of like a guy who's paralyzed but still has a rifle for some reason.

Okay.

It doesn't help that in my head, you at seven years old is just you with the exact same head and facial features you have now, just on a smaller body.

Like,

okay.

But yeah, you know, as a level-headed guy, as a quick little, this is a very quick story interjected with my own trauma.

So thank you for that.

And I think that,

you know, I like this story.

It was good, but it is, it has to be one of my all-time favorite recordings because it has brought us to a revelation that I will never let you live down, nor will anyone else in the comments section.

I was fighting for my life while I was reading to not make every single sentence.

Like, I looked at my dog.

It was strange.

The front half was long.

The back half was a mobility scooter.

Wasn't it?

Mobility scooter.

Exactly.

You know, standing on the porch waiting for something to come.

I saw the shape of a mobility scooter come out.

I will be having choice, choice words with my mother after this recording is done.

Oh, that was so funny.

She has stained our family's character

to help.

And it was that.

Oh,

literally, who wants to be a millionaire lifeline call completely backfiring?

it's it's it's it's not it's not the best i crawled into his outstretched arms as something loud banged against the wall from my sister's room oh my god okay well no that that that means that like she got thrown right right like he's like he's beating her right yes that's that's what it was He's picking her up and just throwing her against shelves and shit in the room.

That's when Tommy Taffy started making every room in the house a WWE ring.

Watch out, watch out, watch out.

Watch out, watch out, watch out.

Hey, stop it!

Just like dive straight into her.

It's funny if you imagine the dad is like Randy Savage.

Oh, yeah!

That's the wrong answer, brother.

The mom screaming downstairs is her getting like thrown into the garage doors.

Excuse me, Megan.

Did I see you in the bed?

They've completely renovated it to be like a fucking giant stadium down there.

At the end of the story, the kid goes down there, just like a rope ring.

Vince McMahon is down there, and he's like, if you beat Tommy Taffy, you get a contract, kid.

Really fun use of just like dilapidated buildings, too.

Well, it gives the overarching feeling that the operator kind of persists and rot, right?

Like he's on the fringes of, you know, society.

Kind of like the upside down.

I hate that reference.

It's like he's

always

in the.

If only could I make a deal with God?

I get him to see him.

Hey, Hunter, did you see him behind that tree?

There's a tree out there.

Do you see Slender Man behind it?

It's a tree, Hunter.

See him, boy.

Entry five, gang, rise up.

Entry five, gang, rise up.

Oh, my God.

Have you ever thought about how Slenderman is super inspired by Vecna?

Slender Man has taken a lot from Vecna.

Jay's kind of like Eddie Munson a little bit if you think about it, too.

Hello,

Isaiah, are you there?

I'm here.

There's a tree, man.

There's a tree.

Be careful, buddy.

I don't know what you're doing.

I'm here.

I'm here.

End of part seven.

Okay, hold on.

The reason I was laughing at the end, I thought, you remember the C4 she took at the beginning of the story?

Yeah.

I thought she was about to blow up Blue Jay.

It's what I was laughing about.

You lack imagination.

Exactly.

That's what I thought was happening.

She blows up.

I'm still laughing over the idea of Alice being like, you lack imagination.

Boom.

You lack imagination.

Kills Blue Jay, herself, Rob, and the Jeep.

Yeah.

In.

It just says Finn.

Yeah, that's the end of it.

Finn.

You lack magic price.

Like, she's the joker.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you want to know how I got these scars, Blue Jay?

Denise, do you want to know how I got these scars?

You see, my father was a bit of a drinker.

Which do you prefer?

Actually, here's the thing before we get into it.

Do you prefer Joaquin Joker or do you prefer Heath Ledger Joker?

They're two different instruments for two different jobs.

Well,

that's that's not the question which which one

which one do you like more

say it with your chest

um

gosh they're such different characters i guess i like

the ledger one more

because i feel like it's more timeless i really love the joaquin one but to be honest you know hey you don't have to you don't have to sway me man i I prefer Ledger Joker as well.

That's all we need to know.

Did you have any?

Walking doesn't do anything that a character like Travis from Taxi Driver doesn't do, you know?

But I feel like Heath Ledger's Joker is more of a

full flamboyant interpretation of just chaos.

Wants to crumple the system, whatever it costs.

Yeah.

I used to have

a Heath Ledger poster

in my room that said, Why So serious?

Written in blood.

Yep.

Classic.

So, you know,

I don't have a, let me just say I don't have a Joaquin poster.

So, what does that say?

I think that speaks volumes.

Says some things, you know.

I don't know.

Anyway, where are we?

What are we doing?

Oh, yeah, left, right game.

Hello.

Next time you see Blue Jay, she's wearing choker face paint.

Yeah, she has a purple trench coat.

Yeah, going through the trees.

I'm a party.

Y'all are running the game and I'm just here to throw a wrench in your place.

Why so serious?

She's dragging Rob by his ankle.

He's like pleasing.

They dragged through the woods.

She can't stand the side of me anymore.

And then, uh, and then what the fuck's his name?

Who's the British guy in that movie?

Michael Caine.

Michael Caine's like, some Some people just want to watch the world burn.

I saw a baby holding an emerald the size of a tangerine.

Some people just want to watch the world burn.

That's exactly what Michael Kane sounds like in those movies.

Mashed a wine.

Mashed a wine.

There was a jewel fife down in Panama.

Okay.

All right.

All right.

Part eight.

Here we go.

I ran to my small bathroom and fixed my hair as best I could.

I looked like hell, but she would understand.

Stiggering at my own unbelievable behavior and the mess I'd made of the place.

I just want to say, can I just want to pause you?

Sorry to interrupt.

The amount of times he's laughed at himself for being a fucking weirdo is actually making my skin crawl.

He keeps me like, heh,

me.

Hey, jeez.

What am I thinking?

Heh, me.

Like, how many times has he done that in the last two days?

A lot.

A lot.

Am I wrong?

Yeah, it keeps me like, ha,

I'm just a little, I get a little weird sometimes.

He's like, okay, so.

You're such a freak.

It's funnier to imagine him wearing full like Heath Ledger Joker face paint during all this.

Wow, I'm a character.

You talk to a woman at a party and everything's okay.

You call her 12 times at 2 in the morning and everyone loses their minds.

Do you want to help me?

Do you want to help me set up my webcam in between a vending machine?

You place a security camera outside of your building and everything's fine because it's all part of the plan.

It's simple.

You set up one little webcam between the vending machine, staring directly at the weird red-headed girl's front door.

And everyone loses their mind.

It's simple.

We kill Amy.

All right.

That's funny, John.

You do like Heath Ledger.

Thank you.

You want to know how I'm going to unlock this door to let you in?

He already has a pole cue in his hand.

Yeah, exactly.

Magic drag.

Like, she comes over, he's in

simple chill.

Like, he's just gonna beat her to death when she walks in.

The image of him talking to her through the microphone of the webcam is so insane.

Can you you explain why the hair color was wrong and about half of these items are listed as undetermined?

If you think you can do better, go right ahead.

God, what is this police department?

She's like the only professional person.

She's like, am I the only person actually doing my job here?

He's like, I took my crack at it.

If you think you're better, go ahead.

Change it.

I wrote it all in pencil.

Erase whatever you want and write whatever you need down.

It's really funny because it's like, hey, you didn't list a cause of death.

It's like, it's been a whole two days.

You think we can tell after two days?

Who are you?

Exactly.

What do I look like?

Harry Houditi?

Do you think I'm Batman or something?

World's greatest detective?

No, ma'am.

Come on.

How am I supposed to tell?

You think I could tell if somebody died from a body?

They got to be alive to tell me that.

About a binge.

Duh.

Toots.

And then she's like, um, okay.

Did you...

Why did you say her hair was brewed at?

What do you want me to do?

I'm colorblind.

First, she wants me to be a magician, figuring out how she likes to do it.

She wants me to look at the body.

Who are they hiring down at the department these days?

Sweetheart,

you're so much prettier when you smile.

Yeah, he just immediately launches into like, has anyone ever told you you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen?

Oh my God,

you might be the most beautiful angel I've ever seen.

Let me surprise God that you come down from heaven.

I don't mean to be too forward here, but you have an amazing rack.

When I say that,

I don't mean to be too harsh, but it's just a fact.

I like to be very subtle, but I would love to make love to you at any point.

I hate to impose this question because I pride myself on my subtlety, but are your nipples tiny or are they the big pancake ones?

Just tell me, I gotta know.

He's like taking his clothes off.

Yeah.

She's like,

without everyone's acting so far, I would not surprise me.

This medical, this fucking police department sucks.

She's like,

why did you list the hair colors brunette?

And he's like naked rubbing oil on himself.

He's like,

yeah, coconut oil is great for the skin, sweetheart.

I would like to take you on a date tonight.

What do you say?

I'm going to take you to the fanciest restaurant in Viberben.

It's called Olive Garden.

Free breadsticks, sweetheart.

Do you like bread?

She's like, do I like bread?

Oh, yeah.

They even put leaves in there.

She's like, it's spices.

It's regenerative.

No, no, no.

Leaves.

Leaves.

They put leaves in there.

Then if you get the potato soup, you can dip the bread in the soup, and then it's a whole nother world.

It's a different ballgame.

If you can get potato soup, if you can get cabbage soup from Olive Garden, Garden, she's like, Are you eating like a depression-era person at a restaurant?

I would like a uh, I would like a the edge of a loaf of bread and a bowl of your finest cabbage soup.

Thank you.

What do you mean they sell pasta here?

Yeah,

what is it, wet bread?

I don't like that

disgusting.

Yeah, get the fuck out of here.

Leave the case.

We're going to Rain Robin.

Yum.

Okay,

where was I?

Okay, yeah.

It's, I don't know, a ghost,

a demon, a skinwalker?

What is this?

Some kind of creep cast?

I've been listening to a lot of creepcasts, and these are just some suggestions that I have.

What are we?

Some kind of suicide squad?

Yeah,

maybe the maybe the entity has a, I don't know, some kind of cave where he goes and impregnates tons of people.

I don't know, right?

Marcus is like, what the hell are you talking about?

You know, it's funny.

I didn't know what you were talking about for a second.

I'm like, cave and pregnate?

And then I'm like, oh, wait, I did that.

Yeah, that was

me.

A slight tumor grows in the back of your head and it's just like, barros car.

Yeah, yeah, it just, it follows me around.

Yeah, see, now that I was able to pass on the curse to you all, and specifically you, Hunter, I just have pleasant memories of Barosca.

What a nice little story.

Psychopath.

Yeah, psychopath, yeah.

Marcus seems surprised by that.

He pushed the cigarette away from his.

That's kind of funny.

Marcus seemed surprised by that.

You mean by him saying a skinwalker?

Marcus seems surprised.

You have the detectives like, what do you think happened to your sister?

And the boy's like, I think a skinwalker caught her.

Hmm.

it's like, okay, surprising.

I don't know why you thought that, but I was just gonna say, someone, you know, pretended to be your mom.

What are you talking about?

I don't know, it's just probably a guy who broke into your house, but okay.

Yeah, home invasions are pretty common.

What is a skin walker?

You waited until your wife left for work and then you went out to the woodshed and hung yourself.

You're dead.

Dun, dun, dum.

That's kind of an interesting hook.

I remember all this from the story because that's like the whole, the whole thing it's famous for online and stuff like that.

That you, it's like, oh, you're actually dead.

Well, it's as if the story is a depiction of hell, basically.

I see.

I see.

How do you like that reveal?

How do you like that?

Again, it's a little bit...

I'd be more interested to hear your opinion because I went into reading today knowing it was about hell.

I

how do you feel about it?

As someone who thought this was like a saw trap thing.

I I don't know.

You don't know?

You don't know how you feel about it?

Disappointed, I guess.

You feel disappointed in it?

You can be honest.

You can talk.

It's okay.

I don't know.

I kind of just wanted it to be a weird torture thing.

You wanted it to be a weird torture thing?

You know, it's sad.

That's not just a weird torture thing.

This guy's dead.

Yeah, that's sad.

I understand.

Well, think of it this way.

What is hell if not just one really long weird torture thing, right?

Yeah.

So we can still do the weird torture stuff, buddy.

And, you know, we can still get all of that.

This just opens up the door now for maybe some more supernatural elements to it, right?

Right.

That's what I thought.

Okay.

So

we can have our weird torture thing.

We can also have demons and monsters.

And it also means that you can probably get an unrealistic amount of blood and gore.

Maybe they'll bring in another kid and shoot him in the face again.

You think?

I think they might.

Okay.

Because now that it's hell, you could realistically shoot as many kids in the face as you want.

That's pretty cool.

That's pretty cool, isn't it?

You could just infinitely, it could even be the same kid just over and over brought back to be shot in the face.

Would that make you happy?

It'd be fun.

It'd be pretty fun, wouldn't it?

So, you know,

maybe don't count it out yet.

See where it goes from here.

See what it does with this new idea.

Okay.

Okay,

all right.

I want to make this quick because I'm tired of repeating this thing to you pathetic suicidals.

You get one question before I begin.

Okay, how does that make you feel?

Does that perk you up to it?

Any I'm the orientation, you get one question.

It's how this works, you know.

Does that make you feel anything, huh?

A little bit, maybe getting a little bit of a

unique depiction here.

Maybe this won't be your standard pitchfork and you know, whatnot.

It's like, oh, it's we have a whole process.

There's an orientation.

You can get one question.

I'm imagining this guy, thanks to your stunning voice acting.

I'm imagining Danny as like a Walton Goggins type, you know.

So that's cool.

You have like a

salesman type as the front door for hell.

Isn't that kind of cool?

Yeah, I guess.

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

Danny's been on the floor, chuckling.

Sure, at some point, but he lost control of it and he put the pigs in charge.

It's the pigs, I asked, unsure I wanted to know the answer.

So how are you feeling now?

Huh?

I don't know.

You don't know.

Okay.

Okay.

It's not heaven or hell.

It is the black farm.

And Danny says he lost God lost control when he put the pig in charge.

Optimistically, I'm like, ooh, that's fun.

Because it kind of reminds me of this Hideshi Hino comic.

I think it's just literally called Pig Farm.

Staring up at me was an armless man.

He slithered on the floor like a worm.

His bald heads.

I'm sorry.

That was kind of sick.

I'm sorry, Hunter.

I thought you were upset when you found out this was a hell depiction.

Well, I like armless dudes slithering around the floor like a little worm.

Okay.

You just like that.

There's something funny about that to you, about disabled people?

Something creepy.

You know, between...

Between that, between you laughing at people getting hurt, between you laughing at Diego, the guy you've lived with who couldn't speak your language

stuff.

I feel like

I feel like there's something to you about the suffering of others that you should probably think about.

I feel like you are hitting the hammer right on the head.

Hit the hammer on the nail with that one.

That's my, that's my cute.

That's my cute little quirk, though.

You're, you're into

suffering?

Like, no, no, not that I'm into suffering, but i it makes me uncomfortable and i giggle oh okay see that's why that that that that makes me so cut off by it that you have to laugh i think i'm so shocked by it at times that when i see when i hear the idea of a first off how that was the man holding the brick you know and then he uh you know what does he do holding it down he doesn't have arms and he slid in the room like a little like a little worm to me i'd be like if i was there i would it would i'm just uncomfortable think how dirty his belly is think how dirty his belly is

his teeth had been removed and replaced with long screws which jutted from his bleeding gums like a broken rock formation that's sick bread is i'm sorry i thought you didn't like that this was hell

it's almost like if the author's creative you can use hell for some very interesting body horror i don't know why you're trying to throw me down the river here i i was just i was a little disappointed now i think this is cool like you know what kind of reminds me of is like uh the silent hill or or like some like old PS2 horror game stuff, Silent Hill, or fucking like uh, almost like the suffering, too.

Because when you use supernatural themes effectively, you can get to some really strange points.

Like, I just want to hear you say you were wrong in your conception about it when you found out

I don't think you'll admit that.

We'll see as the story goes on.

All right, of course, if I did want to do it right now, then I would pretend like I've never read the story before, but that didn't happen.

So, don't devo twist me, Hatto.

Don't ever twist me.

I imagine your room is completely flooded and you're just on a giant shark floating.

Don't ever twist what you can't see, Hatto.

Bro, wouldn't it be wild?

This would be a great bit

if I had read the story previously.

Because like, again, Hunter can't see me when we record these things.

What if I just like had a shark floating sitting in my lap?

I would be pissed.

And you didn't know

until we watched the episode when it's posted i would bro i would watch the episode and i would be like you son of a bitch i'd say i was like

i i i fully couldn't trust you if that became the fact i i could i there's no way dude i got okay i've got to chat chat chat

you guys gotta keep me accountable for this we have to do something like that in the future we gotta prank him with some elaborate okay anyway come on oh man that's so good all right the episode ended with them playing hide and seek with the kids hiding in a closet and Mr.

Bear counting.

Oh my lord.

How you feel?

Oh my lord.

Okay, I'm not going to lie.

That kind of, I was like,

I got like a, I got a bad taste in my mouth.

I felt a little something crawl up my spine there.

You know what it meant immediately made me think of aesthetically was like the Poughkeepsie tapes.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah, the Poughkeepsie tapes.

It's like.

The very infamous one where it's like

the guy crawling down the steps in the basement and stuff.

All that kind of stuff.

Absolutely.

Also, how cryptically vague everything is.

Also, it's like

recalling these things, it feels like it's like recalling a dream or something.

It's just, ugh.

We don't know the intentions yet.

You know what I mean?

And it makes it so much worse.

That's one of the most effective parts about the story to me is that, like, it's all relayed through just what the kids saw.

So all of the intentions and things like that, you're kind of left to ponder with yourself, you know?

Yeah, because there's something so menacing about that ending, too.

That they were playing hide-and-go-seek, and the kids were hiding in the closet with Mr.

Bear counting.

I cannot believe my dad never found this sketchy because he actually took me to the house.

What?

What?

What the f- What?

What the fuck?

What are you?

What are you saying?

Oh my god!

Time!

Time out.

Time out, I'm saying.

Timeout.

Please, God.

Hold on, hold on.

My word.

I'm trying to wrap my head around that.

He actually took you to the house.

Okay, just keep going.

And then we're almost done with this one.

We can actually see.

I'm so curious to see.

I will say.

Okay.

My God.

My God.

Talk about.

Get this child away from this dad, by the way.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Let's let's frame it, right?

Because we know what's happening, but he said specifically his dad never saw the station, right?

So a six-hour child.

He never saw the station, but he is led to believe, sorry to cut you off, he is led to believe that he has read,

he has read that thing, right?

As an adult, if I got a letter in the mail from a TV studio, presumably an adult, and it said, dear Elliot, thank you ever so much for writing a letter.

I would love to have you in my cellar.

We play games, watch movies, and go fire camping in the middle of the woods.

Come to my house.

What?

Like the dash is like, oh, I don't give a fuck.

Where do you need to go?

What's the address?

All right, I'll plug it in.

I don't give a shit.

Sure.

Yo, Elliot, get your bag.

We're going.

He's like, he wants him out of the house.

Yeah, I got TV to watch.

That's why I bought that TV so I could watch my

shows.

Unbelievable, dude.

Even if you've never seen it, I'd be like, no.

Who gave?

We're not going to.

You want to go to a cellar?

We're going to the.

It doesn't even say come to the studio.

It says come to my house.

He's like, yeah, that seems...

That probably makes sense.

That's where Jerry Seinfeld, he films all those episodes in his apartment.

So that makes sense.

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable, dude.

Okay, so I'm going to run some of the things.

I cannot wait.

I cannot wait to hear this defense, dude.

Okay.

Hear me out.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury.

Okay.

The father has not watched the program, correct?

He has just heard his kid, like, oh, I watched this show about Mr.

Bear and he plays with kids or whatever, right?

He thinks that's all it is.

It's a local show, right?

Which means it's somewhere around the region.

So the kid's like, hey, can I send a letter to this TV show?

And dad's like, sure.

So he sends a letter, letter comes back.

And yes, while I will admit to the jury that the word

seller is weird and that probably should have raised an eyebrow he's also heard that the tv show is called mr bear seller so say it was like it was elmo's playhouse right if the letter said i want you to come to my playhouse that would seem normal the dad didn't send his child in that direction he was there with him Like the dad's like, all right, we'll check it out.

And he walks up with

his son, and then the police become involved.

Maybe the dad saw something.

Maybe the police were already there.

Who knows?

But again, I will have that slight caveat about it.

I just want to say that I have to question now if you yourself are Mr.

Bear because that's what that defense sounded like.

Because I want to say that, sure, he's never seen the show.

If I would have sat there, let's say I've never seen Dragon Ball Z and my kid says, oh, it's a show about fighting.

They power up.

Sure, right?

Come go to Master Roshi's island he says i'm like well that's a weird thing and then it says the next line says come to my house

at what point would i be like hmm that's kind of weird it's shot in a house well yeah i guess i also think it's being presumptuous that you said that he's like because with how neglectful he's been so far i would almost assume this 90s father is just waiting in the car all right i'll be here have fun hunter get on in there hunter those are gruesome allegations and i don't stand for it myself all i'm saying is I don't.

Yeah,

I believe at some point, and someone will probably pull up this image, I could have sworn that I've seen you with some kind of giant teddy bear mask on, and I just, I don't know.

I don't know.

Also, you are rushing to the defense of

this extremely quickly.

I don't know what you're talking about.

The defense of what?

I just think that he's a game.

Okay, he's looking at Asper.

He just wants to stop at the time, okay?

That's all I'm saying.

All right,

we'll see where this goes.

Mr.

Bear, we'll see where it goes.

All right.

That's going to be your new nickname, dude.

I'm not going to call it.

I'm not going to.

No longer are you winning the Good of Maya.

You are literally Mr.

Bear, is how I see this.

Also, you talked about how you seen dead bodies in real lives and stuff.

Mr.

Bear.

Mr.

Bear.

Okay.

I know I'm a YouTuber, but that doesn't mean I'm a pedophile.

Let's get that clear.

I know those two often intersect.

Am I lying in this?

Oh, God.

All right.

That actually,

now that you've just said that, that's probably what it is because Christ's death on the cross is like the ultimate sacrifice for people.

So maybe the Satanists using it here is implying that the death of the children is the ultimate sacrifice for Satan, for the fallen angel.

That probably is what it is.

What'd you say?

Did you say something dropped in the room?

Dude, a box dropped off my shelf randomly in my room.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Yes, fuck it.

A fucking Elgato Stream Box box dropped from the sec.

I don't know how.

This is honestly...

That's fucking me up.

I don't know how it fell off that shit.

I will say.

Scared the fuck out of me.

I will say,

saying I-N-R-I is the one explicitly, like, religious symbol that we've mentioned so far.

And when we mention it, the box falls off your shelf.

So I want you to keep that in mind.

Hunter.

That actually, that actually, I'm not even joking.

I'm like, that actually fucking, that scared the shit out of me.

Okay.

Holy shit.

Go ahead.

I'm glad.

And my door is closed.

Mike, my door is open.

I'm informed.

My wife.

Make fun of my wife opening.

Yeah, but at least she's just your wife, dude.

Do I have a goddamn demon in my room right now?

I'm freaking out.

Well, I know.

I know.

I got...

I got this

and I got

this.

So I'm going to be alright, regardless of dude.

You saying this and this, and I have no idea what you're referring to is making it even worse, dude.

Because

you're not sharing what I could be using to help myself.

I got this, dude.

Now

I'm at that feeling where it's like I'm really creeped out, and I'm like hearing little things.

I don't like this.

Dude, I wonder if you could.

That was a pretty loud drop.

I'm wondering in my recording if you could hear that.

That was fucked up.

Shut up, man.

Shut up, man.

That's my nightmare sound.

So I'm excited to get to experience it for the first time.

Because most of the time, like, don't get me wrong, it's fun to know exactly what's going to happen and hold the teddy bear up to the camera to terrorize Hunter.

That's great.

Yeah.

By the way, how dare you, by the way.

Oh, yeah, the audience never got to see your reaction.

No, nobody got to see that.

And I want to say that's bullshit.

I had people flooding, flooding me on Twitter after the fact and Reddit and everything.

And I want to say that, like, I saw the edit.

I saw, like, when I was re-watching the cut, and I was like, this son of a bitch.

I was like, the entire time, played me like a fool the entire time.

So I want to say, yes, I saw it.

It's unbelievable.

My mouth was agape during the edit.

When I first saw the first cut of it, my mouth was wide open.

I was like, he trolled me the entire time.

Bro,

when you were like, I think there's a picture of you with a bear.

And it was holding it.

All I could do was grit my teeth and clench my fist in rage.

I was just like, you, you bastard,

dude.

You make me look like a fool.

The joy I felt in that moment has to be comparable to holding your firstborn.

Like,

wow.

Getting one over on me that much was that, was that pivotal?

You don't understand how satisfying of a burn it is when you're like, I think you have a teddy bear.

And I keep gaslighting

you.

It's so good.

As soon as you have your first child, I'm going to go up to it and I'm going to say, we're on the same level, you and I.

That's what I'm going to say to him.

I'm going to shake his little hand and be like, you and I are one in the same.

And again, I'm actually, normally I just gaslight you by being like, yeah, sure, Hunter, that sounds cool.

We'll see because I know where this is going.

But this time, I'm actually like, yeah, could be, but I don't know.

I'm glad.

Finally, the the sadistic mastermind himself can't play one over on me.

At least, who knows?

You could be lying.

I have no idea.

That's right.

Go back into your

realm of damage.

As I'm sitting here holding a shower head up to the camera.

You're taking a shower right now.

You re-watch the episode.

I'm completely naked.

Yeah.

I'm like, I see you're cocking balls.

We cannot put this in.

I don't know why you had to stand so far far away from your Logitech web camera.

Why was this recorded on an iPhone?

What the heck?

Exactly.

I'm like, this is unsettling.

Anyway.

You creep me out all the time.

So I guess we're even.

That was a weird interaction.

This is what I'm thinking.

I'm thinking that...

This is just a fucking socially weird ass couple, dude.

I've known some people like this.

These are just some weird people.

Yeah, like where it's just like a guy's just like, yeah, I mean, my favorite thing to do is play Settlers of Catan and watch the old gargoyle show on Disney XD.

And she likes to crochet and eat pears.

You're like, what kind of fucking world are you in, dude?

Samples are always so hyper-specific.

Did you know someone who plays Settlers of Catan and watches gargoyle sunsets?

Yes.

His girlfriend would crochet the whole time and she'd eat raw pears.

It was so fucking odd.

It was unbelievable.

I'm telling you.

Yes, it's, it's,

and I'm like, it makes sense to where it's like, then I'm reading this.

I was really hoping she'd laugh.

She did.

You're cute.

Do you come to these movies every time?

I was still reeling from what she said.

Does she really think I'm cute?

Does she really think I'm cute?

Does she just mean I was funny?

Does she think I'm attractive?

I suddenly realized that she had asked me a question and my mind grasped for what it was.

Yeah,

I said much too loudly.

Yeah, I tried to anyway.

What about you?

I come here.

I come every now and then.

My boyfriend...

Oh, boo!

No!

No!

Man down!

Man down, get him out of there.

Oh, shit.

Evac, Evac, Evac.

I come here every now and then.

My boyfriend didn't like these movies, but we just broke up.

Oh, oh, we're back, we're back.

It was over, but we're back.

Let's go.

My boyfriend didn't like it.

Get a team back on the ground.

We're going for a second.

What was that, Moan?

I was trying to be casual, but failed.

She doesn't know it, but I count the day that I met her among one of the few moments of true happiness in my life.

Well, that's an utterly depressing sentence.

That's creepy as hell.

Yeah.

She doesn't know it, but I count that.

It's like, why doesn't she know that?

Like, why would you not want to tell your best friend that?

Hey, also...

The friend vibe's kind of strange to me.

It's like, why is this girl who goes to party and stuff, her quote-unquote best friend is a guy who doesn't see people for weeks on end?

Is she your best friend or is that your perception of her?

I don't think it's odd also to tell somebody who your best friend is like, hey, when I met you, I feel like my life is more enriched.

Like, I'd say that to you, Isaiah.

I'd say, you know what, ever since I've met you and stuff, I feel like my life has been enriched deeply.

And

it isn't creepy.

Yeah, very sweet.

And Hunter, I would say the same about you until you reinforced the meat sweats thing a few minutes ago.

That was a significant downturn.

But up until then, my life has been better since getting to know you.

That's what the people on the subreddit might think.

When I was at your house, too, I was like, What is this?

Like, what does this smell like?

So, I went through your and Kayla's stuff and I was just sniffing stuff around because it's not weird, we're friends, you know.

Isaiah, are you there?

What did it smell like?

I didn't know, I didn't, I didn't know if the uh, the call broke out.

What did it smell like?

Yeah,

everything

from Kayla's stuff to your stuff all smelled like old spice Fiji.

That is the deodorant that I use.

That is the worst.

Why did you have to guess correctly?

Why did you have to do that?

Dude, I got the nose of the bloodhound, man.

Shut up.

What do I say?

I'm switching deodorant.

I'm jolly.

Nah, no, keep the deodorant.

It's good.

It's good stuff.

Shut up.

You're like a predator.

You're like in the woods.

Let me get through this.

Granted, it's a far place to be from your home there in Pennsylvania.

What brings you down here?

Now, if you wanted to go down to the bog, feel free to peek around there late at night, friend.

I'm just a regular citizen down here.

Is that

a pressure to be?

Do I have a Creole accent now?

Is that what you're doing?

Down y'all.

You're going to go down to the swamp, and I wouldn't say old Mr.

Weller's voice down there, but good luck now, Mr.

Pennsylvania man,

big city man coming on down to this here swamp, you see.

Oh, big city boy, awfully far from his hoidy toy.

Thinking him coming down to this here swamp you hear, see, and thinking he can't get by, you see.

But if old Mr.

Weller sees, then oh, yeah, don't say Mr.

Weller's name three times down by the bog.

Mr.

Wellers

say his name by the bog, city boy.

Yeah, but anyways, you take care now.

This is what you sound like.

Oh, are you a universal donor?

Mr.

Wellers likes them universal donors, I'm sure.

Type O negative.

Ah, his favorite blood type is.

Mr.

Weller's gonna be pleased when he hears

Mr.

Weller is going to be very excited.

Mr.

Wellers.

When Mr.

Wellers gets his universal donor blood type from Pennsylvania, see, it's a good season round here, you see.

He runs a plasma.

He runs a plasma blood bank.

Yeah, they get down.

Down there in the ball.

They get down to the swamp and it's just like, oh, I'm Dr.

Wellers.

I run a local blood clinic here.

Hey, how are you doing?

Yeah, hi.

How are you?

He's like very normal.

You're like behind an old oak tree.

What did I tell you?

He loves you.

Nah, nah.

You don't said Mr.

Weller's name and he's come for your blood.

Now you're going to get a glass of orange juice because you donated plastic.

He that sows the wind reapeth the whirlwind, boy.

And you've kicked against the pricks one too many times for Mr.

Wellers.

Mr.

Weller Laura's going to go crazy.

And you just

got like a little like paw patrol bandage.

You're like, no, it wasn't that bad.

It's like, bewail, boy, Mr.

Weller.

Yeah, bewail them.

No, no.

What are we doing?

We're adding Lore.

We're adding Lore to the universe.

Mr.

Weller will be...

Mr.

Weller is

now the Creepcast Poltergeist.

He is the ghost.

He's just a bloodbank guy.

He just worked out.

Yeah, I imagine he'll get legs.

We'll see.

I feel like in the future, as time goes on, we will, I have a feeling we'll experience Mr.

Weller again soon enough.

Okay.

All right.

Thank you.

Thank you for that idea, Hannah.

No problem now, child.

Which actually now, is there something that did that URL has to be taken, right?

Username 666.

I don't know.

Let's find out.

YouTube slash dot com slash 666.

YouTube?

Do careful.

Bro, you do it.

You do it.

Do care.

I'll send you the link.

You do it.

You do it.

Yes.

There's a channel called 666

that has 6,000 subs, I imagine, because of the name.

And it just has a playlist

of

two unavailable videos.

Lordy Hard Rock.

Oh, wait.

Oh, wait.

Don't worry.

One of the videos is...

Poor, poor Sakura.

Here it is, Western man.

Here's your YouTube horror legend.

It all leads to this.

It's so funny that that's what

on YouTube.

That's just what the 666 handle has come to.

This is what it's come to.

This this is a barbecue

a barbecue rendition of uh

an edited clip of naruto is uh bro pretty cool

we probably can't show it because we'll get copyright claimed but man this really is the west has fallen i couldn't figure out what it was from a distance so i went closer trying to be as quiet as i could when i actually got close enough to see what it was my mouth literally fell open

it was eggs

huge eggs all in a cluster like a nest.

Oh my god, dude.

What are we getting at?

What is happening?

I'm so lost in this thought.

Is this going to be about a giant fucking chicken, dude?

What are we doing here?

If this turns into a giant rooster, I am going to be so pissed.

Because even the giant red,

a speedy chicken cross the road.

Oh my God.

How do the chicken cross the road?

Is this seriously where we're going, dude?

That's what happened earlier.

Why don't you find out?

We're gonna find.

Yeah.

They were enormous.

It's hard to explain their size, but you can sort of see them in relation to my boot here.

What do you mean?

It's hard to explain.

I see them.

They're giant.

In the previous photo, there's there's a tree and they dwarf the tree it's literally the the these eggs are like

what they're bigger than a basketball yeah they're like basketball size just these big giant white eggs in the middle of the forest yeah but when they hatch

they need to feed dude we're getting we're gonna get into giant alien chickens

how do you feel about that giant alien chickens

i mean i don't know i mean

i don't know i don't know i also i also am getting a i also am getting a feeling that this is Greg's real mom.

I want to say that.

I'm putting that bet down.

Sure.

I think, like I said, it looks like it's like bloody, like blood skin draped over a skull, whatever.

But it doesn't look like a wriggler nose.

It's arced in a way that looks beakish.

You have to be honest with yourself saying it.

You're not losing the chicken narrative, are you?

I am refusing until it proves otherwise.

We are in giant egg chicken territory.

I don't know.

Okay.

All right, so the giant chickens are out there.

I like this one of like the blurred photo of like the bloody skull thing.

Oh, it's fun.

It's a really fun thing.

I think that's neat.

Yeah.

I will mention that I have seen this character drawn in

so many.

You don't need to say that.

Hello, my name is Mitch.

I'm here to tell you guys about an experience I had.

I don't know if it was paranormal or whatever stupid words people use to describe.

I don't know, it was paranormal or whatever stupid fucking words people use for supernatural phenomena, like ghosts.

I already love it.

I'm ready, dude.

I haven't looked at this story since I was.

This is, once again, this has got to be some primo,

very edgy, like 13-year-old energy.

Well, when I was 12, I'm like, this is so good.

Yeah, this is so good.

I never liked Eilis Jack that much, but I remember it.

I remember it being like favored in the same way other stuff was.

Like, Jeff the Killer, the image was out there, so people made a story around it.

Same with this.

Don't know if it was paranormal or whatever stupid words people use to describe supernatural phenomena.

But after that thing visited me, I believe in that paranormal trash.

Now,

I believe in that paranormal trash.

That fucking gunk beneath my boot.

That stupid idiot stuff.

Yeah, it tried to kill me.

It tried to eat me alive, I actually believe that.

Now,

I just look the pot.

Now, the comma.

The pot is great.

Edwin liked the idea of me moving in since we had not seen each other for 10 years.

So I was excited.

Two.

The grammar is killing me.

So I was excited.

Two.

Two.

Wait, they haven't seen each other in 10 years.

In 10 years.

This actually seriously might be a 54-year-old and a 63-year-old.

It might be.

Yeah, how old are these people?

My gosh.

I soon fell asleep after I moved in.

The way these are phrases are so funny.

I move in and I fall asleep.

I soon fell asleep after I moved in.

It's like, yeah, you mean you went to bed there?

Yeah, that's the way.

You just went to sleep.

You fell asleep in a house.

What the fuck?

This is my alien.

After that first week, I heard rustling noises coming from outside at about one in the morning.

I thought it was a raccoon.

So I ignored it and tried to fall asleep.

The next morning, I told Edwin about it.

And he agreed.

These commas.

Hey.

Hey, Edwin.

Yeah.

I think I heard a raccoon.

You probably did.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

I was like, all right.

Hey, Edwin.

Yeah, there was a noise outside.

Okay, I think it was a raccoon uh-huh do you agree yeah yeah i darted up and looked around my room but i saw nothing the next morning

edwin dropped his coffee cup when he saw me he held up a nearby mirror and i saw myself i had a large

Edwin had a large dash in my left cheek.

Edwin takes off a comically large gothic mirror off his wall and holds it up to his brother.

It's like bigger than he is.

It's like one of the men.

No!

Look at yourself!

You have a large gash in your left cheek.

After I was rushed to the hospital, my doctor told me that I must have been sleepwalking.

But then he showed me something that made my blood turn cold.

He lifted up my shirt to reveal a sewn-up incision where my kidneys were.

Eilish Jack took his kidneys!

Holy shit!

He took his kidneys!

He took his fucking kidneys!

Oh my god, that's awesome!

Oh God!

I like how Eilis Jack fucking like took the guy's kidneys, but he's like, here's something for you to remember me with.

And cut his cheek for what reason?

You already took the guy's kidneys.

He took his kidneys and they cut him on the cheek so that he would have a plot element to be scared of before he then goes to the doctor.

How did Mitch not wake up during any of this?

You have a guy cutting this son of a bitch open and Mitch is really like,

me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me me, but but, but he heard a drop

on the window, and he was like, oh my god, what?

What?

He's like, it's nothing.

It's probably just one of those raccoons, right, Edwin?

Right.

And he's in the room next door.

Right, probably raccoon.

Okay.

but then it's good, dude.

I forgot.

I thought I hadn't heard this story in so long.

From what I remembered, Eilish Jack just kills you or something, right?

I forgot about the kidney part.

That's great.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

I read the next line.

I stared into his eyes, mine widening.

You somehow lost your left kidney last night.

The doctor told me.

We don't know how, though.

Sorry, Mitch.

Oh my god.

That makes the doctor, to be fair, that makes the doctor so suspicious.

We don't know how, though.

I'm sorry, Mitch.

I don't know what happened.

Oh,

you're missing your kidney?

Oh, that's weird.

Anyway,

that's so funny.

Irm, you're going to want to see that.

You're going to want to

probably get that figured out.

I fell unconscious and woke up in the hospital.

My doctor, the same one who treated me before, entered the room.

I have good news and bad news, Mitch.

The good news is that you had minor injuries and your parents are gonna pick you up.

The bad news is that your brother has been killed by some thing.

Sorry.

Yes!

Yes!

I've got good news.

You're all right.

Bad news, your brother's dead.

It's just, it's, it's the fucking, has been killed by some thing, so they know what it is.

And then he just ends it with, sorry.

Sorry about that.

The idea idea of the doctor just like, he's about to go telemet his brother's dead.

And he kicks open the door like, well, it's one of them good news, bad news scenarios.

In the hallway leading to my room,

I saw Edwin's body.

What?

Something small lying next to it.

What?

Wait, so wait, they just left his dead body in the house?

They just left his body.

The cops left his body.

I looked at the thing I had picked up and nearly vomited.

I was holding my stolen half-eaten kidney.

Yes!

Yes!

With some black substance on it.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

Oh, my gosh.

That's so good.

Oh, my gosh.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm going to take an even bigger cadaver.

I'm going to put you in a coffin.

I'm going to put the bigger cabin on or the bigger cadaver on top of you, and I'm gonna recreate the pen pal ending.

And that's how I'm gonna bury you.

Oh,

how would you like that?

Oh,

oh, I hate you.

Oh, why would you say that?

You're a terrible person.

I know.

You know, that ending freaks me out.

Oh, yeah.

I'm

gonna do that forever for you.

Forever for you.

Forever.

That was rude.

That was mean.

Say you're sorry.

I'm not gonna say fucking fuck you.

I'm not going to say you're sorry.

Okay, I'm changing my will that if Hunter does that to me, I'm putting a bomb somewhere in his house.

You have admitted to some crazy shit these past couple episodes.

You're putting a bomb?

Good God.

That's more reasonable than what I was talking about last episode.

If you tie me to a random corpse and put me me in the ground, yes, that is, I'm putting a bomb in your house

without hesitation.

Well, I'm going to start learning bomb deactivation then immediately.

I didn't know.

Yeah.

Well, I'm going to start learning.

What's going on in a roommate?

Okay, yeah, whatever.

All right.

Stumps.avi.

Five-minute long video where a man with no legs is attempting to break dance on a DDR mat.

And what looks like...

I'm sorry, Hunter, is something funny?

Is there something you want to

bring up?

Well,

the structure of that.

A five-minute long video where a man with no legs is attempting to break down.

The phrase is the word attempting is pretty funny.

Literally, it's just the word putting attempting in there that makes it very funny and tragic.

What's funny about a disability, Hunter?

Yeah, nothing.

Let's get some measurements to see exactly exactly how much he's grown.

Something funny, Hunter.

What's the reading?

Your baby just instant transmissioned out of your uterus.

Well, I don't know how I'm supposed to say this, but we've lost your baby.

He's like, What?

He's like, Why not?

You lost well, I hate to say this, but we seem to have lost your baby.

Wordlessly, the man raised a shotgun, placed it against the boy's forehead, and blew his head off.

I'm sorry, Hunter.

Is something funny?

Oh,

God.

I like how the guy should keep it.

The kids say,

What a quick altercation.

Just blew the child's head off with his

shotgun.

Okay, sorry.

You all get mad at me for picking stories that involve like Tommy Taffy-esque themes or Baraska themes or whatever.

Remember, this is what I'm working with.

Okay, this is what I have to keep happy.

This is like

shovel

adult content into to get something out of.

Just remember that.

Let me tell you, that was just that was unexpected.

That was an I expected the child to be more part of the story.

Okay, sorry, go ahead.

Searching Bill's house, the police found one of his daughters hanging by the neck from the ceiling in the attic.

Well, that's not good.

She was only two months old.

Is something funny happening?

The baby was swinging in the attic attached to the ceiling fan at the highest speeds.

I just imagine it's like, woo, woo, woooo!

How the deal?

Woo, woo, woo.

Like, Jesus Christ!

Okay, audience, the reason this is funny is because it's so over the top.

Also, I like how I like like how they show a full picture of the baby, but they're like, we're not going to show its very human eyes.

We can't let people know the whereabouts of this baby.

I've seen that baby on the street before.

It's a protective person, but just like the black bar of the eyes.

He showed a full picture of the dad, but we cannot let people know the identity of this baby.

The baby was being flung 50 miles an hour on an industrial fan in the ceiling.

How How good is that?

So good.

Bro, I think my skin exists moving.

Like, oh, oh, my heart.

Oh, it's so much.

That's too holistic.

It's close now, Isaiah.

Oh, what is what?

The monster.

He's too close now.

He looks too close to us.

Tell him to leave.

What monster?

What monster?

Are you talking about the monster that got her in the dog kennel?

Oh, stop.

What are you talking about?

Don't you know?

I know what you're.

I know those big, juicy lips are spread open and showing those big-ass white teeth because you're smiling your ass off.

What are you talking about?

Are you talking about my lips?

My big juicy lips.

I like the word juicy being applied to me in any respect.

Regardless of what you're talking about, compliment juicy.

I don't know.

I don't know about that.

If my wife said it, maybe I take it as well.

My big, juicy lips.

I didn't feel like a compliment.

That this Day of the Dead thing is infinitely important.

The whole attraction, she's hot thing is window dressing.

The fact that she is there for scanners and then wants to see Day of the Dead, she is going from Cronenberg to Romero.

That is a prize.

That is something he needs to get a hold of.

Just

advice for Wendigo.

My boy Wendigen bricked up on it.

I refuse to stand at this point in time.

The way

when I first met my wife, when we were friends, it was right before Halloween.

And she was like, oh, we're having a watch party for all the Michael Myers movies, all the Michael Myers Halloween.

Do you want to come over?

And I was like, oh, you're having it?

She's like, yeah, I love all the old slasher flicks.

Like, done.

Here we are.

Here we are.

I was like, that one's not getting away.

Then she was creeped out because she said, you said the magic words.

Ring-a-ding ding you said the magic words.

You're saying to them like a Jesse Pinkman voice.

Yeah

I asked again and she replied there's a man at the door

Then 10 seconds later

And a woman at the bottom of the stairs.

All right Hunter, let's roleplay.

You're in this scenario.

What's what's what's step one?

first off i just want to say two minutes is forever i mean actually think about sitting there in silence for two minutes 120 seconds absolutely

like you know how long that'd be

i think i'd probably i would probably be very afraid and i'd probably be irrational i'd be like hey hey hey i'd probably start saying that

hey

That's your defense mechanism.

Yeah, and then when she turns at me and she's like, there's someone at the stairs, whatever, I'd say, I'd say, right.

I'd kiss her temple.

I'd open the window and I'd crawl the window.

I would chalk up the house as a loss on my taxes, and then

that would be it.

Just immediately dead.

Not even the comprehension of the house.

I'm gone.

I am gone.

Chalk up the house as a loss.

I'd kiss her on the forehead, and I'd say, Asta La Vista, baby.

And I would just open the window and scurry my fat ass out there.

The hey, hey, is really funny.

Imagine like something really unsettling happened.

You're like, yo, yo, hey, hey, yo.

Hey, hey.

Hey.

Hey.

No, no.

Faye was irritated that I'd done this without her permission and waited outside while Kay sit up.

Dude, if my wife was doing this and then she was like, I'm just mad that you got holy water, bro.

I am tying her in duct tape and dropping her off at a nuttery.

Okay.

You know what's fun about all this, dude?

I'm already across the country.

I've already talked to the accountant.

The house.

Like I said, I've gotten that written off.

What wife?

Yeah, exactly.

I'm like, I'm gone, all right?

I've been gone.

See,

people are going to judge me earlier on this story for being a bad person.

Then they're going to read this shit and be like, oh, boy, there's no way in hell.

I'm like, I'm not even going to get to that spot.

There's like, what do you mean?

Oh, she didn't like the priest?

That's weird.

I was gone three weeks ago.

Yeah.

My ass is

bad

right now.

My fat ass.

I'm drinking a piny colada.

Couldn't be more stressed.

I have had the best sleep of my life.

I'm leaving her.

She's still on the mountain up there.

The, you know, she's dead, but whatever.

You know, we live and let live.

When I laid down next to her, she leaned over and with her eyes still closed, said,

They're going to kill you.

and then licked my face.

Maui Pinoz

wasted away.

You know what my ass will be doing?

People are sitting there.

They're like, What are we gonna do about my, but our,

you know, my wife, I love her, right?

My ass is on a plane.

I'm like, uh,

take me down to Coco Mo,

but not too fast.

We'll take it slow.

Aruba, Jamaica.

Ooh, I want

Jamaica.

Ooh, I want to take it to

some people.

Pour me up that tall edge, strong bacon.

Make it a hurricane for I go insane.

It's only half past 12.

Just the idea of ditching.

Like biblical levels of running away, like Jonah levels of like trying to get away from.

I'm seriously going to.

Anytime I watch any of these like movies now, horror movies, I'm just going to think about a person listening to fucking the beach boys, whatever.

Her mom, Laura, admitted to me that something had happened to Faye as a child at the cabin.

What up?

What a fucking bitch.

I would be like, you know what?

You're going in the same house with her.

I called you over this in confidence and you lied to me.

You knew something was happening and you lied to me.

You kept this from me?

This is my life and your daughter's life.

Sorry, I have to admit something, but something did happen to Faye as a child.

Why didn't you tell us?

Yeah.

What the fuck?

I literally called you.

Jamaica.

Ooh, I want to do for you to Bahama.

He does this for two reasons: to work on his art commissions and to make sure Faye doesn't stab everyone to death and burn the house down in their sleep.

Hey, Hunter, if I just called you and was like, I have to go on,

yeah, no,

no, because your house would be vacated.

I'd be a Maui with a pina colada.

At the end of the pipe was a simple shower head aimed down towards the ground.

You know,

that's awesome.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's pretty good.

You know that feeling when your stomach drops?

In this case, I think mine literally did because I vomited.

Oh, that was the story.

What?

Oh, no, I'm just listening.

Oh, oh, sorry.

I thought you thought I asked.

You know, when your stomach drops?

Like, like I personally was asking you.

That wasn't part of the story.

Oh, yeah, no, I definitely do.

Yeah, it's, I know that feeling

you're feeling.

There's like a three,

there's like, oh my god, yeah, sorry.

I'm just now realizing, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

that was too good because I kept reading the words on screen, and you're like, yeah, oh, yeah.

Well, I got, I kept, I was like, sitting there, and I was like, yeah, I did, I, my stomach did drop.

Wow, this, wow, Isaiah, good point.

I never thought of that.

Well,

kind of almost looked like the dad was getting a little freaky with the squid, though, huh?

Yeah, he had to stand up in the air.

He's like, God, what are you doing to me now?

Oh, son, get inside.

Rocky's not feeling well.

Son,

you need to go.

Tell your mom not to come outside.

I'm going to be busy with Rocky for a little while.

So go inside and get my jar of molasses and honey.

Quick, go.

You're daddy.

Avery Jones is assimilated.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh, it impregnated me.

Son, you're going to be about to have a new brother or sister from your pop here.

Avery Jones is now pregnant.

I fucking covered this SCP and it kind of reminds me of that.

It was the

let me see

the flesh that hates.

Yeah, exactly.

610, I think.

Yeah, the uh the flesh that hates.

That's how autistic I am.

You said you said it's kind of like a flesh that I'm like, oh, 610, the flesh that hates.

Clearly, 610?

Yeah, I know that one.

Yeah, but sometimes you have relations with a dog and you end up getting a brother.

Come in here, I'll beat your brother.

Sometimes you just gotta, sometimes the dog's acting kind of funky, and you gotta know it in the biblical way if you hear what I'm saying, ball.

Peanut butter is in the Bible.

I'm not gonna go any further than that.

The next one is called Starkill.

Okay.

I'm just imagining, like.

Never mind.

I can't.

I can't say what I'm thinking.

Yeah, let's go to Starkill.

Yeah, that's good.

It does look exactly like it says

virgin anus.

Doesn't it look like

virgina anus?

I think what it is, is it's virginia nuss.

Probably because you know they name it off of like where it was discovered.

Virginia.

Probably Virginia.

Yeah, Virginius.

Right.

This is the stinkiest and worst case of a vagina anus I've ever seen.

In a deer or dog.

God help us.

Let's go back to the

biblical

stuff.

Really tickling myself with that one.

I can see that.

Ray O'Connor?

Is that you?

Officer O'Connor.

I want to see the guy fucking the dog again.

This is the last known appearance of Officer Sam Page.

I love this.

Did you get the butter yet for the dog?

Yeah.

Now, here's the thing, Officer Andrew Webster.

You'll get me a pint of honey and a raw stick of butter, and we'll be just fine.

Officer, I don't see what the problem is.

If we want to eat animals, then we might as well, like, he's doing all like the twist justification for it.

Oh, my God!

Get on the ground!

Okay, well, now I think you're twisting my words.

Did you bring the peanut butter?

I'm looking for peanut butter and olive oil now, sir.

I keep changing up my recipes.

Rocky loves it all kinds of different ways, officer.

Oh, gosh, that's so gross.

I know.

Okay.

Daddy?

Where's Rocky?

Don't worry about it.

Don't worry, boy.

Why don't you go ask your mother?

All dogs go to heaven.

So like I said, this should be in British accent here.

So, let's read this first part here in a British, nice British accent.

However, I'm pleased to announce that, as of yesterday night, I finally touched down in Phoenix, Arizona.

I'm posting this log from my first American hotel room, which offers a gorgeous view of both the state hospital and a local prison.

Auspicious times.

Drop me a line if you're in the the city or if you have any information at all.

Okay, so I want you to know that that's a better British accent than I've been doing, but you did sound like either AI or a robot butler.

You know what I mean?

If you're in the city, I won't have any information at all.

I had to align all of my chakras to get that out, okay?

I think it worked well.

It worked very well.

Sad part of me realized that this was the closest thing I'd had to a friend in almost a decade.

I found myself looking forward to the discussions we would have after each meal.

I'm I'm laughing.

I'm laughing because, in a sense, you are my parasitic twin that I read to.

What do you mean?

I was just reading that.

And it was like I would read to him at the part where it's like, sometimes it would talk to me.

Sometimes I would have to talk about it.

This is a creepy dad's origin story.

What if it is that it's like the same tunner?

This is fucked.

Bro, that would.

Yeah, I was a

big-lipped Hawaiian sugar-bearing man.

There it is.

There it is.

And the twin could control fire and also

was a little punk.

And sometimes I'd have to stop and explain an event to them, but most time they just listened quietly and waited patiently.

That's so.

That's so you.

Afterwards, we would discuss our our feelings on the book, what we thought was going to happen.

It says the Krimcast Origin story.

And the next one's great.

A sad part of me realized this was the closest thing I had to a friend.

Yeah.

I found myself looking forward to our discussions.

I didn't mean to ruin it, but I think I just did.

Oh, well.

It's great.

A lot of people have commented on this story being like, I would assume a title like this would be like some weird gay conversion thing or something like that right yeah

that's what you kind of the trained you're expecting it to go down but I don't know where this story's gonna go honey

I just get baby I wanted your baby mommy want milky I make baby want milk that is a wild accusation

You're right, though.

Like, it does have the same vibe.

It's funny that you see like gay conversion cam because it has that kind of fanatic kind of thing where it's like

it's like a passive aggressive sign is what it feels like yeah the eradication of abnormal sexuality it like smacks of the pulpit yeah you know

and also like you have to kind of transport yourself back this is 12 years ago right so oh yeah i guess we should have said that uh it this is posted 12 years ago so it's been a while yes by user uh wreath by the way r-e-a-t-h-ch so for credit we were going to mention that at the beginning but well at the end i mean but oh you did oh okay well

i don't it's just that whenever you start talking, my brain just kind of like zones it out and quits paying attention because I don't care.

I don't know how to process words.

I just a widow baby.

So, you have to take yourself to like 12 years ago.

Um,

but how did they die?

I was best to talk about anything else, and the story of Mira's uncles interested me.

The McCasky boys, I don't really know.

They died on the mountain somewhere.

Oh, well, um, have you heard about the skin men?

Samba needs to find a better way to approach people about the skin men.

Oh, her on guessing?

That's weird.

Hey, have you heard of skinned men before?

Yeah, exactly.

This guy's like pouring his heart out.

He's like, yeah, I mean, you know, it's a lineage thing.

I don't know if our marriage is going to survive it.

And he's like, yeah, that's weird.

Have you heard about the skinmen?

And then the guy's like, skin men?

Man, we were joking, but we hit the nail on the head for how absurd.

Oh, God.

I don't think so.

What about Baraska?

Yeah, Sam just doesn't give a fuck about it.

He's just letting them fly, like, out there in the air.

However, as more time and energy is invested into the development of the plot form, they begin to harness more influence on their environment, until eventually exhibiting a semi-permanent physical appearance.

We've sought to answer a very important question.

Can thought forms be created in a manner that would benefit American society and help keep American citizens safe?

That is so funny to me.

The delivery on that, where it's like, so after finding out this earth-shattering information, we asked the question, can this benefit the U.S.

government?

It is a pretty good comedic beat.

How do we do this?

Will this benefit the U.S.

government and can we weaponize it?

Pretty much is what they're saying.

How can we thought form an A-10 warthog

to smite our enemies?

Can you?

Can you thought form a black hog helicopter?

I am currently thought-forming a fleet of comic-cause violence to rain down holy justice on those who have wronged me.

That's the power of thought forms.

That's the power of thought form.

What about this next part?

Because you said dress portion makes me think you're like, and then they're like, that's when we bring in the velociraptor.

This section is, it's like, I really want you to think about a dinosaur.

Bring back the dinosaurs.

It's like a five-star general standing next to the chair.

Like, I want you to think about a lot of dinosaurs all at once.

I need you to think about a long neck with a rocket launcher tapped to a spine.

Can you think of that for me, mister?

Unit 13 needs you.

And also, while you're at it, if you have the time,

can you think about an eight-foot-tall copy of Gwyneth Paltrow that has

triple M chest?

Gwyneth Paltrow with missile titties, and she has a big goop candle coming out of her hands.

Her goop candle that says it smells like her vagina.

Could you go ahead and do that?

And

she also doesn't understand what love is, and she thinks that romantic interest is the same as motherly interest, and she thinks I'm her son.

You'd be better.

Can you manifest Gwynnet Paltrow?

And to me, she's really skinny, but to everyone else, she's really, really fat.

Also, can she have a penis, please?

Thank you.

Just like combining all of her movies into one character.

But also,

everyone else doesn't see it, so I don't have to deal with Pennsylvania.

You make her invisible and I can see her.

She calls herself Pepper Potts.

Actually, you know what?

Scratch that.

Robert Downey Jr., eight feet tall.

Yeah.

Huge rat.

Kill this guy.

He knows too much.

Kill him.

The guy's like, I've been here for three minutes.

All right, he knows too much.

Kill him.

Thought forms can also take on appearances that could be considered disturbing, like a creature one might see in a childhood nightmare.

There's no reason to be afraid, however.

All thought forms are docile by nature, and while they may look or behave in a frosty manner, although they are capable of making physical contact, they pose no threat to you.

Despite being able to appear as a childhood nightmare and have a physical form and touch you, that it won't.

Don't worry.

If you see the shallow how version of Gwyneth Paltrow in the manifestation of a spider, don't worry.

Her fat ass can't hurt you.

And if you're going through the hallways and you happen to see an oiled-up Kim Kardashian that's nine feet tall and thinks I'm her dog, ignore it.

Go somewhere else.

If you see a floating purple, cancerous cloud of energy that's representative of sadness, don't worry.

It can't hurt you.

There's no way.

There's no way the human mind can be like, oh, okay.

Imagine seeing that spider out in the woods.

You know what?

You can't hurt me.

There's no way.

There's blood all over the ground, dude.

There's nothing to fear but fear itself.

There's nothing to fear but fear itself.

That's scary,

bro.

Why are you giggling?

You're fucking freaking me out, dude.

I'm like,

I'm sorry.

I'm thinking about the visual of like a general, like a Sam Elliott type, just as the machine's turning on being like, but also, I want her to be like 5'658.

Not definitely not over 5'8.

And maybe also if she could smell like a citronella candle on a Midsummer's evening

and have some freckles, but not too many.

That's right, partner.

And if you could.

Did you make her not taller than 5'6 ⁇ ?

And I want her to smell like French vanilla coffee made in the coffee creamer.

Thank you.

Did you go ahead and do that for me?

It's just kidding, like.

So hyperspecific.

Yeah, he's like,

I think I do it.

He's like, buddy, you manifested a six-foot-three basketball player.

What the hell is going on?

Where's your mind at?

Are we going to have problems or what?

If you could make her maybe a little bit upset when she comes home from work in the evenings, and that's understandable.

But after a time of comfort, she likes to be held and release her frustrations in a healthy and respectful manner that causes us as two people to grow closer together over time.

That'd be great.

Could you go ahead and give her one leg, and she's always on a roller skate?

I just want to see how fast she can go I just want to put her on top of a hill and push her down and see what happens

could you give her impeccable balance could you do that

go ahead and push some rockets on the skate too so

fast down the hill

Also,

if you can give her one arm, but the other one's an oven mitt.

Yeah, give her one baby arm and then one regular one, but it's a giant oven mitt.

And it's actually the hamburger helper icon that talks.

Could you go ahead and do that?

Actually, scratch all that.

Could you just make hamburger helper real?

You know what, actually?

Could you just give me Oprah Winfrey?

Thank you.

I love her book club.

Oh, I love her book club.

Could you just give me

all this being said at like a drive-through?

Yeah.

This is three minutes after the orientation VHS video.

Can you give me Obra Winfrey from 1986, just around that time?

Thank you.

But also incredibly muscular.

Could you make her a bodybuilder?

And oiled up as well, please.

Go ahead and oil her up and put her in a pantsuit.

Appreciate you.

He's like, saying, he's like saying it nonchalantly, like walks back, and then he's going to be obviously upset when he comes back for the results.

Who the hell is this?

Yeah, he walks, he's like, whoa, this isn't anything like oil in Iraq.

This is

who did this?

Who the hell is this?

Dave, is that you?

Dave, get out of here.

Stop that.

Yeah, buddy.

Sorry, you're not cut out for this.

Mainly faking painting or watching TV.

You know, boring stuff.

You fake the painting?

Yeah, that's what he's upset about.

You fake the painting?

You aren't really painting those wonderful pictures.

Don't lie!

Who's painting those beautiful pictures?

I think about them daily.

Oh, God.

You fake the painting you are really painting those wonderful pictures he's he has to be mentally gone real quick fellas he's playing it way too fast that that kind of move that's like after your your first or second confirmed date you don't trick a girl into showing up with friends the friends aren't there and then you're trying to hold her hand way too fast I legitimately thought that you were going to say something about putting your penis in the poppy box.

No, no, of course, of course not.

That's the third day.

Guys, he's playing it all wrong.

He's playing it all wrong.

You cut a hole in the button.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You get the dune popcorn bucket.

Yeah, perfect.

What'd you expect?

The theater had long closed, so I only had one option.

I told her that I was going to go behind the theater to piss, but that I'd be back in two shakes.

It was obvious that I thought it was hilarious, and she seemed to laugh more at how funny I found it than at how funny it clearly was.

What a fucking dork.

I'll be back in two shakes.

What an actual fucking dork.

He's like, I'll be back in two shakes.

She's like,

yeah.

You get it, my cock.

It's my cock.

Do you get it?

It's a joke about it.

I cannot find the name of the person.

Whoever the author is probably writes elsewhere.

So the Gregory 88 was like, oh, let let me do a fun little Twitter ARG.

So, it was something they were kind of doing off the dome, you know.

And then, I think they wrote themselves into a corner, right?

Like, they get near the end, and they're like, Ah, this they were asking themselves a lot of the questions we were: like, well, what does the thing look like?

What does it do?

What

Isaiah, what

dude?

Gregg's follows on Twitter is the fucking writing cast for Big Mouth.

What is happening, dude?

He follows Nick Crow, Paul Shearer, and John Mulaney.

What is going on?

Oh my God.

Did, did, was this, was this Twitter ARG written by a big mouth writer?

There's no way.

Oh my god.

Oh God.

This is John Mulaney.

Oh God.

Oh my God.

There's no way.

I'm done.

I'm done with this.

Did we just get trolled super hard?

This is...

I can't tell if I just got trolled or what's going on, but this, I, I, we have to, I'm going to let the, the listeners and the,

I'm going to let the listeners and the viewers figure this one out on their own, but I, I, I am mentally tapped.

Babe, I'm talking

to my friend's girlfriend.

What is your problem?

I guess I can't have friends.

I guess I can't have friends.

I guess I'm just, I guess I'm the bad guy, isn't it?

No, I'm the bad guy.

Oh, what?

What?

What?

Are you going to go to the hospital?

Like, it's visibly leaking down.

You're like, are you going to go to the hospital again?

Yeah, I piss myself.

You're going to let me enjoy my weekend.

No, I piss myself.

It's not that.

It's not that.

I was working on model cars earlier.

It's glue.

It's glue.

Connie.

Don't leave me, baby.

Total 180.

I fucking love you.

It's just the middle of the night.

Yeah.

It's 3.30 in the morning.

Jin, baby, don't let her bother you.

Yeah, he's not even in the same house.

He's talking to himself in a mirror.

He's like wine drunk.

What am I?

What am I?

Out of this goddamn house.

Fuck.

Yeah, there's like an Italian-American family next door.

Buddy, Jesus Christ.

Just give her a rest, drink some water, and get some sleep.

Fuck you.

The phone's not even plugged in.

Yeah, no.

Yeah.

He's like, Ginny,

why are we playing all these games, sweetheart?

Why don't me and you go get a lust in a little house of our own, you know what I mean?

You want Uncle Eric to come over?

You got

Ginny, baby.

You got yourself a room that smells like cookies, if you know what I mean.

Having the door be cracked open and you walking by, and there's a man talking into an unplugged phone.

And his whitey tidies, and he has like a bathrobe on.

And he's like, you want me to go over there and Look at your panties.

Would that not be fucking horrifying?

Yeah, we'll go.

The house is like a Venus flight trap, huh?

Yeah, can you like peek your head in on that?

And then he like he like looks up.

He has like wine, his like lips, his lips are totally stained red from all the wine.

And he's like, He's like, I keep going to houses that are eating me like a bug.

I keep going to houses that keep eating me like a bug.

I'm just a big old bug in the house.

The house wants me to be a bug.

I guess it's what they want.

Housekeeping.

My buddy keeps getting eaten like a bug in his house.

My buddy keeps getting eaten like a bug in his house.

Sir, I need you to.

I need you to go.

Check out what six hours ago.

My buddy keeps getting eaten like a bug in a house.

Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

Do you really like that?

Where's Jen?

I bet.

Yeah, I bet.

Do you been to just

a second store?

Are you Jen?

I think.

Are you Connie?

Are you my wife?

I think.

There's just 25.

Connie, I told you, Jen's come and go away.

Jen's gonna be here soon.

There's 25 empty bottles of barefoot red wine just all over the

apartment.

25.

Go on.

Oh, God.

I've made some mistakes.

Jen, we gotta go to the house.

Do I look like a Dionysus?

Do I look like a Dionysus baby?

Just like

the rumble guy.

Do I look like Dionysus' baby?

Because I can be.

Just hear the pins real quick.

See him.

Immediately gets attacked by the cops.

How do you been in the house?

I'm trying to explore your second story if you know what I'm saying.

Do you have a second story?

Are you going to eat me like a bug?

Do you have a second story?

Are you going to eat me like a bug?

You want to be a second story?

I'll crawl into your red room.

Eric walks in naked to a cafe, lays on a table.

Eat me like a bug.

You say that fork, you eat me like a bug.

Yeah, he likes that, what he eats.

Yeah, he probably liked that.

Tell Connie I want to come home.

You tell Connie I want to get the keys back.

I want to get the whole band back together, please.

You do that or you eat me like a bug.

There's no imagination punch about it.

Eat me like a bug.

Just going to different...

Just like a ranc in public service.

Exactly.

So you're going to just look at me and eat me like a bug.

Is that going to happen or not?

I need you to look at me right now and you should tell me the truth.

I know, I know, or I've seen you people for.

You think you're better than me?

You think you're better than me?

Because you don't, because your house only has one floor.

Paints himself green, puts himself in a flower pot with leaves.

He does, feed me.

He's walking into like a Starbucks, completely naked.

Scooting forward.

He's going to be like a giant penis fly trap costume on.

Scooting forward in a big orange pot.

So I think I'll take a white chocolate milk with

non-fat milk, extra hot, and I want you to eat me like a bug.

He's just completely breaking.

I feel like the house is just be like, I don't want to fucking eat this guy anymore.

Yeah,

he comes up to the house.

He's like, is this what you want?

Is this what you want from me?

And like the house just sinks into the ground really quick.

Yeah, the house sees him shows up and the locked doors.

He's like, let me in.

They won't let him in the house.

They're going to eat me up.

You're going to eat me all the way.

I was tasty before, but not now.

Okay.

Still, yeah, just like throws the empty bottle of barefoot wine at the front door.

I'll be back!

He's still in his pot, though, as he scoots away.

The police show up, and he's like, this house thinks it's better than me.

This house thinks that.

I want you to shoot me four times in the chest.

I want you to gun me down right here in front of his house.

I want to be a martyr.

Can you make me a martyr, please?

God, we got to finish the story.

Get me out.

We also.

I want to be Mother Teresa.

I want to be like Jesus.

Jesus Christ said,

I want to be like a curatorial.

I'm going to pay the house to eat you like.

Return of sweatsuit, man.

This is the next day.

Friday, October 29th.

Yes, he's back again.

This time he has a vehicle.

It feels so weird going back to like him being normal.

Because I almost, I literally, when I was reading it

in my head, I was like, yes, he's back again.

This time,

he has a vehicle.

He has a vehicle.

I saw him parked along the curb just across the street from my building.

He was in this dirt-caked pickup truck with a crooked fender,

just staring at this main entrance like it was a bank he was about to rob.

I guess the rules are homeless.

So, who the hell is that guy?

I don't like it,

and I'm really,

really trying not to be

This character we made up.

I love the idea of a drunk guy being like,

guys, honestly, I'm really

trying not to be paranoid about this.

Guys, please.

And he's painted green the flower pots.

He's completely naked in front of like a citibank.

Like with a giant laptop like this.

His little porky pig cock outside of a Bank of America.

I think that guy's following me.

I think this guy's trying to eat me like a fuck.

I think he's a bee and he's trying to take the pollen out of my head.

Don't let him, don't, sir.

Don't let him take the pollen out of my head.

Please don't.

You're all beats!

He's like, freak out!

Scoot for you!

Where's your queen?

He's dressed like that stupid shop plant for Mario.

Me,

me, you, and Bullet Bill should get the hell out of here.

It just went from like he was actually concerned like,

what am I gonna do?

What's the house gonna do?

Is it gonna eat me?

You'd like that wooden caught you.

We cannot record this late again.

I'm done.

I'm sorry.

To all the audio listeners, my God.

Okay.

I'm crying.

Just thinking about a completely naked naked man in green body paint.

Like, I'm trying to keep it together.

I don't want to alarm anyone.

But I'm getting kind of scared.

Go look now.

But I think that guy across the street is looking at me.

I think he's kind of weird.

He's just like taking a shit.

He's taking his shit.

He's like standing upright, taking his shit on the ground.

I think the car's starting to look at me weird.

Don't worry about that.

It's my fertilizer.

It's like rolling down his leg.

It's just the wettest diarrhea he's had.

It's the fertilizer.

Don't worry about it.

Just

keep it on that guy.

He's on a laptop, a 2004 laptop, like, guys.

Yeah.

Just for Toshiba laptop, I aming Jenny.

Come pick me up.

Connie kicked me out again.

Yeah, Connie won't.

I keep soil in the bed with my soil.

I should be working.

Jen in her head is like, I hope he's doing okay.

And she pulls up and he's dressed like a giant fetus.

He'd be gone for six days.

Eric, what the fuck?

Connie, I thought you were dead.

Oh, I'm blending in so it won't find me, Connie.

How could you, yeah, he's like standing by a tree.

How could you see me in the garden?

You don't think the house can see me, do you?

If it sees me, I bet it'll leave me like a book.

I'm not seeing a two-story Victorian house walk around here, Abby.

Every house he passes, he like hides.

He's like, You can't be too sure with these things.

Oh, God.

Okay, we have to continue.

Yes.

So after that, he exited Sherman Way and headed east.

Then I got stuck at a light at the North Ridge Med Center and lost him again.

I just kept driving and looking.

I thought,

I'm sorry, I just imagined like a naked guy in green suit driving a car,

trying to be low-key.

It's hard to press the gas in the brakes when you're driving with a giant flower pot still in the dam.

So he's like,

opening up tiny wines of barefoot red,

sipping on them like a baby sips on a binky.

Oh, I'm so tired.

Oh, God, I'm tired.

Oh, my gosh.

I'm just the thought of the guy completely naked.

He hits the top of his feet

in a flower pot.

And every time he hits the

break or the gas, it's like the loudest noise you've ever heard.

Clink, click, click, bubble.

Look at everything.

He's trying to hit the brake.

But he's trying to be low-key and tail someone.

Yeah, large, large, large green leaves and stuff are going up his windows.

He's trying to be inconspicuous, but he looks like a goddamn parade outfit.

It's like riding through.

The car is also painted like a Venus flytrap.

Yeah, it has the it has the Rocky horror.

Or it has the little shop of horrors mouth on the front of his car.

He had it modified.

It's all papered machine.

He honks his horn and does, feed me.

I'll finish it.

I gotta get through.

I gotta get through this.

I'm so tired.

Oh, God.

Oh, man.

I want to go to bed.

Editor was reluctant to go back.

We all were.

But he knew he had to.

Why does he have to?

Why does he need to

call the police?

What do you mean?

Well,

we will after we do our edit because we're interns.

The editor leans around.

He's like, we have to go back.

Could be a dead child.

Could be a photo of a dead kin, you know.

I also want to mention.

That in the last episode, upon watching the upload, a lot of my impeccable Jeff Goldblum impression was cut from

the final level, and I equate that to the burning of the Library of Alexandria.

I think that is perfect art that should not be tampered with.

So, this is your warning.

I am going to insert it into any location I can through this story and make it impossible for the editor to catch all of them.

Okay, because I'm mad and we'll continue to be mad.

Yeah, I people will talk of the the deletion of the Jeff Goldblum impression, much like Greeks wearing

robes talked about the burning of Alexandria.

It'll have that infamous.

I think there were literally like 20 minutes of me

talking to the Jeff Goldblum boy.

Just me going, could be a dead child.

Can be a dead child.

Me and my son, Benjamin.

tiny and new now.

I just opened a Linz Crafters

off exit 13.

Have you ever heard of a glasses world,

KT?

I just opened a Linz Crafters next to my cousin's Linz store

in the outlet mall.

Give me the hat store.

users.

I just got a St.

Louis Cardinals hat with the Linzcrafters logo on it, Katie.

You've got a lot of glasses.

He says he's got a lot of glasses.

Ben Drown Goldblum, your first customer ever.

I took my son,

Benjamin Goldblum.

He loves glasses.

They get an Oakland Raiders hat and a nice pair of glasses.

Oh, Benjron gold bloom of blood.

He's standing and tall.

He's very tall.

Tiffany, you are alone.

There's a TV.

The screen is all fuzzy.

And the tall man is watching it.

Tiffany, I want you to focus.

Tiffany, there's not a fucking man in there with you.

God, meet me halfway, Tiffany.

This is an imaginary room, Tiffany.

I'm trying, Dr.

Adacted, but it's hard.

Tiffany, you're going to make me lose my fucking mind.

There's no one there.

Okay, Tiffany, what is the man saying?

He's speaking perfect Spanish.

Tiffany, what the hell are you talking about?

Hola, Tiffany.

It's me.

Yeah, I know.

Senor Goldbloom, Benjamin Goldblum.

Hello.

Como Styles, Tiffany.

Come on.

Would you like to meet my son, Senor Benjamin Goldblum?

He's like wearing a sombrero.

Doctor Redacted, I think it's Jeff Goldblum.

Tiffany, stop.

Doctor Redacted, I think it's Jeff Goldblum.

He keeps asking me.

I think it's Shaquille O'Neal.

He keeps asking me for salsa.

He's asked me for various bits of snacks.

Dr.

Redacted, I think it is the Macho Man Randy Savage character from the Tommy Taffy Creepcast band.

You know the episode people hated?

He's like, oh, Tiffany, I'm very well aware.

But actually, if they think about it, the way that Hunter and Isaiah cleverly bounced off of the trauma in the episode for good comedy really highlights what Creepcast is all about.

And I think they should get over it.

Of course, of course, these are obvious facts that people should know, but it doesn't matter.

No one's in the room with you, Timmy.

Even, even Doctor Redacted, even the fact that it's a story and they should grow up and get over it.

It's not like they wrote the story, you know, they just read it.

And it was them experiencing it for the first time.

And maybe Dr.

Redacted

of the podcast, right?

Right.

And maybe, Dr.

Redacted, the audience should lighten up a little.

And Doctor rejected that Isaiah and Hunter are trying their best.

Well, Tiffany, I think they are speaking probably the most facts you've spoken today.

Your mind is not a good thing.

That's right, Tiffany.

That's right.

You're so right.

The audience should lighten up a little bit, huh?

Maybe, maybe let Isaiah and Hunter experience the story.

I mean, it's not like they're trying to condone Tommy Taffy's actions.

They seem quite opposed.

They seem quite opposed the entire time, do they?

As a matter of fact, they don't like child abuse at all, if you ask me.

It just kind of comes with the territory of reading creepypastas.

Maybe

if they're reading scary stories they've never read of or

that kind of thing can happen.

Oh, God.

All right, let's go.

This isn't even part of any of his research either.

This is just what he likes to do.

He just likes cutting open dead bodies.

He's like, this mouse feels really weird against the blades of my scissors.

Feels good.

Jim likes it.

You ever cut a mouse?

Jim likes it.

Whoever edits this, if you remove any of my Jeff Coltman impression, I'm going to break something.

Okay.

Let me have it.

Thank you all so much for watching.

Thank you for checking out Greylock.

And

bully Hunter about whatever I told you to bully about in the comments.

Bye.

Bye.

You let me into your subconscious.

No, I'm not going to leave.

Bye.

There is one thing I want to get off my chest before we start, though, that mostly I feel like you'd appreciate.

I was in the city this weekend, and some girl runs up to me, and she was like, oh, oh my gosh, are you that guy from Creepcast?

Not Wendigo.

That is nice.

Not Isaiah.

That guy from Creepcast.

That guy.

That guy.

You're the guy who does the Jeff Goldberg impression, right?

Yes, yes, yes.

Now, if she said that, I would have been thrilled.

I've been like.

That would have been fucked up.

I would have actually quit the part.

I would have been like, okay, I'm done.

I'm actually done.

I would have been like, that's right.

That's me.

No, she wouldn't know that because the editor keeps cutting it.

The creep TV was the most, the most the Jeff Goldblum impression got out because Caitlin wasn't allowed to touch it.

She didn't get it.

Enjoy it while you could because it's the last time.

You just had an incredibly long, detailed description of why you shouldn't be here at all.

There's bad spirits.

They're They're from the mind.

Get away, save your wife.

And you're like,

well, I guess I'll camp out here another night.

I mean, they put,

hold on.

Well, I guess I'll camp out here another night.

I guess I'll, I guess I'll

maybe hope the dream catcher isn't demonic.

Maybe I'll, maybe I'll

drop a nice bath.

I mean, I have the robe after all.

It's purple.

And I have a gun.

I have a gun.

All stuff I just have to cut out for the podcast.

No, you're not cutting anything out.

You're leaving all that.

You let me have this.

You know how scared I am right now?

Oh, my God.

The next line.

Oh, my gosh.

You're right about the next line.

Sometimes she would struggle, but usually she would just go along with her head hung low.

What a job.

What is going on?

Okay.

All right.

I'm watching this woman get periodically kidnapped in this trapped room every day.

It's like, oh, well, that's kind of funny.

That's a little weird.

She always looked peaceful and happy when she was painting.

And seeing her that way, smiling serenely from time to time as she got something the way she wanted it, it always made my day.

She is totally gonna paint something like, Help me,

yeah, yeah, or it's gonna be like a bloody face or something like that.

Or like Jeff the Killer painted, yeah, yeah.

That's whenever she told me her name was Jeff.

Red, red, red, red, red, red.

Where's the kill agent?

Where do I fill the chamber with nerve gas?

No shit.

Kill it!

I guess I'm just a little cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Just like the lady just looks at you who's watching and it's like, oh, what if I'm painting Jeff?

What if it's Jeff Colbert?

Oh god.

Oh god.

You think I forgot?

You think I forgot about Jeff?

Oh, God.

I'm just Wade.

I don't even remember where we were at.

There it is.

Okay.

As long as you gave it the treat it wanted, you would be not only saved, but rewarded.

That's assuming that you're in control of the negotiation, which I feel like is a misstep.

Since it's science, it was too busy asking if they could.

They never stopped to ask if they should.