Best of Creep Cast 2024

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So we're going to go into that.

But first, for this story,

I forgot to mention we have a little special guest tonight.

Coming in to help us read this very funny, funny story is someone who makes

good work.

Dare I say admirable work.

He might have, he's from this area, you know. Have you guys seen the movie Hereditary or Midsummer?

Right?

If you don't know him, his name's Ari Astor.

And he's here to read Laughing Jack with us tonight. Give him a round of applause.

That's not happening.

I think

I would have to imagine Ariaster has a lot of better things to do at this time.

When we went inside the church, we saw that Kimber wouldn't have to do much acting to convince people she was having a breakdown.

We found her at the back of the room, tucked into a chair and a puddle of curly orange hair and tears. Kyle sat next to her and pulled her into a hug.

Kimber, what's wrong? I kicked his foot and shot him a look that said, really?

Oh, God, that kid is.

Yeah, I didn't think of that.

Kimber, your mom is just being put in the ground. It's not a big...
What's wrong, baby? What's going on?

What's wrong? Yo, what the hell?

Did you see that open casket? You see that open casket? Dude, your mom's bloated. It's weird.
Bro, why does her body look like that? She's all gross and mangled. Yo, her eyes look all buggy.

It's weird, Kimber. What the hell's going on with you, though?

Is it your time of the month or something, Kimber, for real? Is this how it's going to be?

You realize we have a plan today, right? How are you going to fake crying crying if you keep this up? Gosh, get it together.

Hey, baby, I know that it's, you know, I know that this is probably an act, but you need to get your game face on, okay? We need to find that letter.

It's like, God, dude.

So, so oblivious throughout all of this story. It's like, so just fucking oblivious.
I love it. Walks into a funeral.
Then his girlfriend's mom died. And he goes, what's wrong?

Bro, Kyle. Jesus, Kevin, what's wrong? Kyle is one of the boys.
He is the most dude proverb.

Especially, he's just like viciously pulling up his big-ass pants and his

oversized jacket.

He looks like that one talking head concert where they have the giant suits on. He's like, Kimber, what the hell is your problem?

Ladies, I want you to imagine that your mom dies, and then at your funeral, your boyfriend walks in wearing a suit that doesn't fit him and goes, what's wrong with you?

Especially I walked up. Oh my god, what happened?

What? What? Someone die around here or something?

Oh my God, did someone else die? Oh, it's just your mom? Your psychopath mom? Okay, well, what's wrong?

Oh, her? You've had like three days to know about her. Why are you crying over it now? God, your mom jumped off the roof three days ago.
Get over it. God.

I love the line. I kicked his foot and shot him a look and said, really? And Kyle bit his lip and he's, ah, I mean, ah, fuck.
Just wait so listen. I mean, ah, ah, fuck.

God damn it. Kyle's like, stupid, stupid, stupid.
Yeah, exactly. Oh, God, Kyle.

That's what he's doing. He's hitting his head.
Why do you do this?

Kyle's my favorite. Okay.
People's priorities are somewhere else in the small town. Like, it just doesn't add up.
Yeah. A classic Kyle line line here would be like, Well, maybe your mom was a bitch,

maybe people just didn't like her, Kimber. Could that be it?

Hey, Kimber, your mom was kind of a bitch, so she's like not that crazy. So, I don't know, baby.

I'm gonna go get some cookies over there on the table. I'll be back.

Yo, they got free drinks here. Let's go.
Yo, Kimber, yeah, he's like across the deal. Yo, Kimber, they got tea.

They got iced tea and cookies.

Do you want some? I know you said it makes you bloated if you have it too early, but can you have it now?

I know you're worried about stretch marks, but if you want some chips ahoy, let me know. I know you're like fat and all, but these are pretty good.
I guess you can have one.

He like takes out his iPhone and puts it in his pocket. He's just playing Black and Yellow by Wiz Khalifa as loud as it possibly can go.

Yeah, uh-huh. He's like, you know what it is.
Black and yellow, black and yellow. Getting snacks and cold cuts at the table.

Everything I do, I do it, pig!

Just a kid. Just a kid at a funeral, like, ah, you know what it is.
Like, not.

What would be more obnoxious? A 16-year-old listening to Wiz Khalifa, black and yellow, or if it was Fetty Wab's Trap Queen.

As loud as you possibly can. And

he has a Beats by Dre pill speaker in his back pocket. It's not even on his phone anyway.
He He like bought a legitimate Bluetooth speaker with him. That's your girlfriend.
I can hide with my baby.

Your girlfriend speaks to me. Yo, Kimber's dad, the food here is kind of me, bro.

Yo, Kimber's dad, you shouldn't have got that shitty ass sandwich shop Decatur. This shit sucks.

Yo, your wife looks mad funny in that box, dude.

You didn't pay for that, did you? She looks awful.

She looks like a weird clown, dude. Tell me you did not pay for that.

Okay, you didn't? Okay, cool.

What happened to her face? Oh, yeah, the concrete. That's right.

Well, you should have, like, put a mask on her or something. My God.
Yo. Yo, who else thinks we should bring death masks back?

Anyone?

Meanwhile, just softly, I'm like, hey, what's up? Hello? Yeah, I'm like, hey, what's up? Hello? Come into your pretty eyes as soon as you came in the door.

You know how disrespectful it'd be to like go to an open casket, look inside, and you're just like, I've been cooking pies with my brother.

What? I'm bored.

You want to listen to me?

Yeah, there you go. Exactly.
What? I'm bored. I'm bored.

Hey, baby, this is really lame. I'm going to get out of here.
And you guys have like an oxcord or something?

Yeah, you guys got an an oxcord. He actually doesn't even have it a button up on.
He just has one of those graphic T's you find at

Target or Walmart. It's like a fade.
Like I purposely faded it. It's like a Sega, like a Sonic shirt.

It's like the shirts.

It's like the shirts that Jesse Pinkman would wear in Breaking Bath. Like they've got like all the thrasher font that says like live and die.
Yeah, yeah, it goes down to his. Yeah, exactly.

Yo, I came here my Sunday's best.

Okay, where, where are you? Okay,

yeah, so her mom's dead. Kimber's mom's dead, I think.

She's dead. That's all we need to know.
Yeah.

As we waited for the service to start, I can't detach the image of Kyle in the corner just eating all the sandwiches.

Way too many open chairs. Like, definitely, there was, like, not a turnout they expected, and there's just this fucking guy walking around the back.

What do you mean I can't play my music? Who's going to care? All the people that aren't here?

Yeah, he's left. He's listening.
Now he switches over. He's like, fine, I won't play rap.
He puts on rev theory. Hell yeah.
Give me a hell. Give me a yeah.

Her mom would have loved

Mountain State. That shit's funny as fuck.

Oh my gosh. He's just listening to like impractical jokers way too loud.

Yeah, impractical joker. Joker's clips.
Yo, Murr,

go pants that little kid.

Geez, guys, I don't want to.

And I would be ripped back into consciousness, terrified. For myself,

hold on. To make it easier on us, you want to alternate paragraphs? Sure.
Sure, like substantial paragraphs. Like if it's a sentence, then you do another one.
Sure, sure, yeah.

Yeah, that way it's just more rhythmic or whatever. Neither of us are losing our voice.
Because

we're in this for the long call.

This isn't a sprint. It's a marathon, right? We got to pace ourselves.
Yeah,

it's a classic, it's a classic tortoise in in the hare kind of thing. Exactly, very surprised who wins that race.

Look, I'm not saying I was there or anything, but from what I've heard, it got pretty wild. From what I heard, it was a pretty good race, is all I got to say.

A lot of upsets that day. All right.

Oh, we forgot the thing. Thank you for the likes and everything on audio platforms.
Keep it up. Thank you for the support on the show.
It means to be sure. Oh, sure.
That's true. Let's get into it.

See, I remembered this stuff 100%. Listen on, Spotify.
Listen on Spotify. Listen on Spotify.
Listen on Spotify. Listen on Spotify.
Listen on Spotify. Apple.
Apple. Apple.
Apple Podcast.

Listen on the Spotify Apple Podcast. Thank you.

There's going to be a strobing effect. And if there's any epileptic people listening to this podcast, I want them

far away.

If you have epilepsy, I want you dead right now.

Next merch drop. That's what it's going to be.

It's a t-shirt that when it moves, it strobes.

Yeah, exactly. It has an LED.
It's like this old

battery pack in the back of the car. Our next merch strap is: it's a flashlight that says creep cast, and its only setting is like whatever the perfect tune is to cause seizures.

It's just a flashlight.

I think that's good. That's good quality merchandise, is what I would say.

I'd buy it, you know, cause some car wrecks, just stand on the side of I-75 and point at a tractor trailer as you go by. I think it's a great idea.

Get arrested.

Get arrested immediately.

And when I get arrested, I'm just like,

it's merchandise.

Oh, my God. I'd say, lock him up, throw away the goddamn key.
Is what I would say. And also, I like to think that I'm not the best looker, so I think I'm better to listen to, if I'm being honest.

Right?

Little deals. No,

I see all the people dreamboating over you, dude, but I don't get that kind of thing.

I've seen some people dreamboat over you. I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, whatever, dude.

I sent you the fanatic that was talking about a certain kind of choo-choo train, if you know what I mean, that involved both of us.

Okay, dude. All right.
This is a four-part series here.

All right.

Okay, go ahead. I was smaller and less energetic than most kids my age.
Well, they preferred to run around and play outside. I chose to stay inside and read.

This sounds exactly like you. This feels like you're not.
Shut up. This feels like you.
Is this young wind?

Shut up.

Shut up. I prefer to stay inside and read.
Okay, I did do that because I was a wimpy kid. I wasn't sickly, but I was very small, and I was also sheltered, so I did read a lot of Tyrannosaurus.

So far too fast.

All those guys who are outside playing, they probably work at like Staples now or Cracker Barrel or something. And guess who has a YouTube channel? So, you know what?

Look at that, Chad. It looks like the nerd gets the girl.
Tyron.

Check me out. What I was laughing about while I was reading that is I imagined that meme of the dragon that's like, while you played your sports, I studied the literature.

While you played your sports, I studied literature.

Yeah.

Were you about to say something before? Well, I was just saying, I imagine that you weren't a sick child, but I'd like to imagine you went to the doctor and the doctor was like, his lips.

They're far too fat, and they're only getting bigger.

I'm tired of this lip thing. Do you know how many, I've gotten so many DMs and comments about like

this guy this youtuber is really cool i wish i could see him over the lips swell up like their description of me is just like a giant pair of lips and it's it's gotten to a ridiculous degree and i'm kind of tired of it honestly so

i can't i can't stand you i can't anytime you say something to me my comments are that for a week straight so

stop

okay all right fine i hopped in my car and texted kyle that i was off work he answered immediately and told me to come meet him I happily whipped my apron off over my head and threw it in the car into reverse.

Crystal Lake was my favorite place in all of drisking.

I had to park almost. Isn't Crystal Lake the name of the Fred of the Camp Crystal Lake? Yeah.
Okay, yeah, yeah.

I thought so, just making sure.

Yeah.

How funny would it be if we're like complimented the whole time and then it just turns up it's just Jason Verde

is the skin man taking people off. You know, what if that's what it was? It's like Jason just becomes a slasher for like none of the character setups matter or anything.
Just

beautiful, beautiful, beautiful writing, all for it to be a Friday the 13th fanfic. Bro, that would be hilarious.
That'd be such a good prank.

It would be a pretty good way to protect.

Even if it's not Friday the 13th, like it gets to the end of the story and it's just like

And then a creature appeared. The creature appeared and killed everyone.
Like you just like run it into the turret.

I'd sometimes get up to piss or to get something to drink and remember just going back to sleep on the bottom bug. My God, I'm having a stroke.

It's okay, Grandpa. So if you hit control and the mouse wheel, the words are.
I need to zoom in.

I need to zoom in. Sonny, I'm sorry.

They're bigger, Grandpa. You don't have to squint so hard.
It's easy to read now.

This would happen once or twice a week. One of the detectives wants to drop by later.
Says he, oh, sorry. Says he has some.
Oh my God. let me restart that.
Sorry. One of the

okay, first line. Nari did great.

One of the detectives wants to drop by later. Says he has some more investigating to do.

God, I know. I'm sorry.

I'm not laughing. I'm sorry.
That was the worst.

No, it's funny was your recovery of it because you're like, God, stupid, stupid. Idiot.

Idiot.

You know what? So this is the dad. You know what? Fuck it.
I'm giving him a back.

What if the detectives want to drop by later?

Says he has some more investigating to do.

That's what you get. That's what you viewers get for making me feel so bad about messing up that first line.
My first thing.

No, no, Hunter.

You've done.

This hell you're in was constructed by you. No, no.
Ever. No, no.

That's forever the dad's voice. I don't care what it does to the story.
That is the dad's voice moving

What if it becomes like a very dramatic series? Well, then it's going to get very awkward very quickly. What if the detectives wants to drop by?

Says he has some more investigating to do.

All I'm doing. Okay, the audience is in here right now.

This is a recording. All that I did was laugh at your recovery.
You talked yourself into memeing the dad. I'm in my own health.
Okay. I'm in my own health.

All right, as long as we acknowledge who did it. Yeah,

I did it. I did it.

After going public with the case and the sharing the paintings in hope of saying

of saving someone

Fuck hold on saving anyone that may be depicted the police received three photos in the mail. All of them also titled

That'd be a great public like uh like a cops the way you got midway through that and like panicked

Nope. Oh shit.
Fuck the following footage. Okay.
Private investigating Sean Kane have been helping police to locate victims connected to several paintings. Oh, boy looks constipated.

The last body he found before his disappearance was the body of Tom Harris. The killer had been climbed.

Fuck. The killer had climbed.

The killer had climbed. Stumbling.
The stumbling

climbed up to the third floor and entered Tom's apartment through his bedroom window. What is with...
Hold on, pause real quick. What is with you...

Like, anytime you have to read text normally, it's impossible. But if you're playing a role, you could read an encyclopedia.

I don't know. It's like, it's like you're not.
I'm not into a brain mode where you're just

perfect. I feel like I might be dyslexic.
Unless you're playing a character, then it goes away. Yeah, I don't know.

Maybe that's just because I read things in, like, when I'm voice acting, I have to read scripts, and that's the only time I read. Maybe who knows?

You're playing a character without dyslexia. Yeah, so it just goes away.

Perfect. Do you think anything happens that they don't know about?

He looked back towards the building, a look of and fear in his eyes. Hell, for all I know, you've already killed.
You've already killed us both. Let me restart that.
Fuck!

Hell, for all I know, you've already killed both of us.

I've already fucked it up again. Hell, for all I know, you've already killed us both.
Fuck, god damn it.

There,

my eyes are so shit. I can't read anything.

Hunter's adapted the role of the aging bald man so well. Well,

his glaucoma said,

I need weed.

Lots of it.

I'm pretty sure it's run by some government agency. And I know they're investigating.

I know they're investing. Fuck! I know they're investing a lot of money and time into it.
But for what reasons? That I'm not so sure. Why would they choose Thomas?

I guess that's probably the mystery now. Why him, but still.

I know.

I can't read for god damn it dude i'm so mad about this the way he said that was like it was in character like she got stumbled and like transformed into a grown man for a second and then went back

i i need to take some kind of class to help with this this is

he continues The old farmhouse belonged to Dr. Wentz.

He was the guy that I'm sure you've heard of about.

I'm sure you've heard about who used to go I'm like good fucking God Hunter get it together good my god God

that whole farmhouse belonged to Dr. Wentz

he was the guy I'm sure you've heard about who used to do botched abortions and all sorts of inhumane procedures back in the 1800s He's the guy the rich went to when they had young daughters getting knocked up when they had special needs child they didn't want to keep god damn he built the house himself and even named the road Patch Lane as a joke with all the patching he did for people.

I'm just laughing

at you

because it sounds like the cop, like midway through, is like, get it together. Come on,

tell the rookie about the abortion doctor

who's to cut up dogs.

He called every Mexican person he saw a Chihuahua. He was horribly insensitive.
insensitive.

Welcome back to Cream Crew. Oh my God, wrong show.

Leave it. Leave it.
Don't touch it. Please don't.

Don't touch it. Please, people will be so mad at me.
Please, please don't.

No, no, no, no. I refuse.
I refuse. We're keeping it.
There was such confidence. You were so ready for that one.
Please, for the love of God, do not keep that. That was so good.
Oh, my gosh.

Hello, everybody. Welcome to Cream Crew, the show

that the other podcast said, Hunter doesn't care about it. Welcome to Cream Cab.
Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. I refuse.
I'm sick. Leave me alone.

Also, I want to say fucking Acab, dude. I think every cop in the United States is a fucking coward, and I hate the cops.

Thank you. Thank you, King.
That's only brave opinions on this podcast.

You know what I think? I think if you have a problem, deal with it.

Calling somebody else to fucking clean up your mess. Am I right?

It was especially funny because as soon as you said deal with it, the connection cut. Like you got raided the moment you said that.
Yeah. SWAT team just raids in and just beats the shit out of me.

FBI, my dude.

It's pretty easy to repel in on your set.

Get up.

That'd be great. Maybe you think one of them would stick around to finish the podcast with me? That'd be friendly.
You know what?

No, because they're all so fucking stupid that they wouldn't be able to read.

Yo, we can blink any of this.

No, you're not. You're sure

not. No, no, no.
Go ahead. We're having fun.

Okay, I'm going to read this story now.

1034 to dispatch. Dispatch, go ahead.
It looks like this house is abandoned. I think the 9-11, I think the 9-1-1 hangup 9-11.
Sorry, guys. Sorry.
It's always on my mind. I apologize.

I think that the 9-1-1 hang-up might have been some wires crossed. Clearly, no report.
10-4.

Sorry, I'm just taking a moment of silence. Yeah, I mean, every day in my life.
Yeah.

Oh, may

zingra.

How sweet

the sound

that

saved

two towers

from

me.

I once

was

lost,

but now

I am found.

I just wanted to pay a little homage, is all I want to do the whole thing. I appreciate it.
You know,

between this bit and the the a cab opening we are going to get destroyed see i'm really i'm really getting uh all our texas boys

i'm really

emotionally tugging people don't know where i stand so that's what that's that that's the yeah that's the that's the great emotional

yeah exactly people are like who does he what does he stand for hey regardless of what's going on you're just you're just rooting for the little guy i'm always an underground guy and here's another thing too i will do stolen valor

that's another thing i will do this I will do that. You will see me do that in my lifetime, and I will get caught.

I respect that. I respect that.
Yeah, like teachers who actually care about their work and put themselves into it can have such a profound effect on kids.

Oh, absolutely.

You also had a very mature response to that because remember one time we watched, I think it was Gone with the Wind, and it's the part where the woman rides the horse and dies, and our teacher was crying, and the entire class was just laughing at her.

I mean, without without hesitation. I think the woman says, just like Paul.
And my teacher's like tearing up and crying. And we're just like, I mean, like, hysterically laughing.
It's like,

could not be polar, more polar opposite to your story.

Okay.

You know what? Without comment, let's continue. Come sit down, Steph.
The food's ready. Ordered my sister.
The sight of the seasoned meat causing me to salivate.

I thought that was the dad's line for a second.

I did too. Yeah,

let me read that.

No, you have to leave it.

The boy being like, come sit down, Steph. A six-year-old boy.
Come sit down, Steph. The food's ready.
The chicken activated puberty. I just gained another ball.

That's the fourth one this week. That's testicular torsion, if I've ever seen it.

She pulled herself from the floor. Why are you showing me all of this? If you really are a detective and part of the police force, you'd lock stuff like this away behind 10 locks and keys.

What a weird thing to say. I don't need 10.

Why specifically 10 locks and keys?

That's like a 12-year-old statement. You put, I don't know, 10 locks on that? Like a high number?

You'd put this stuff in Daigon Alley.

It just makes pop culture reference. You'd have to catch this with the Infinity Gauntlet.

What is this place? What do you mean? It's where wizards and wizards go. Oh, I've never heard of such a place.

Oh, Marcus, you crazy little, crazy little goose.

What is this? Some kind of horcrux?

Yeah, she's like, what is this? A whore crux you have here? Yeah. It has like a deathly hollows ankle tattoo.
Well, this is, this is actually, uh, this is actually a 32-year-old woman.

I guess this creature sure was up to no good, huh? I bet he solemnly swore it.

Marcus is like,

I'm begging you to please stop.

I don't understand what you're doing, but I know it's a reference to something, and I don't care. What the hell is a Hufflepuff?

What the hell is a what the hell do you mean, Hufflepuff?

She's like,

man, Marcus, whatever this thing was, it's a raven, it's a Slytherin for sure. Yeah, well, I better not.
I hope Sarah didn't find the sorting hat down there.

Who knows what house she would have been in?

Okay, well, I'm gonna keep playing these recordings of it with this crazy deity attacking your stepsister.

The references don't even make sense. It's like, wow, I sure do feel like a malfoy about this.
Like, it's just

man, this sure is hagrid. Marcus, you're giving off hagrid energy.
Did you know that?

You're being so hagrid right now. You better watch your tone, is what he says.
Man, this is serious. So serious, it's black.
Did you like that pun?

Marcus? He's already gone. He's in his car driving away down the road.

The creature from the creature that crawls in the house and is just like, I was going to do a bunch of stuff, but

I had like this whole four-part series planned out.

I was gonna do a bunch of stuff.

I had this whole thing playing with the lights. They were gonna go out, and I was gonna pit around.

I was gonna do a bunch of stuff, but I can't be bothered. Him and Marcus drive away together, the creature and Marcus.

It's, I don't know, a ghost, a

demon, a skinwalker?

What is this? Some kind of creepcast? I've been listening to a lot of creepcasts, and these are just some suggestions that I have.

What are we? Some kind of suicide squad?

Yeah,

maybe that's maybe the entity has a, I don't know, some kind of cave where he goes and impregnates tons of people. I don't know, right? Marcus is like, what the hell are you talking about?

You know, it's funny. I didn't know what you were talking about for a second.
I'm like, cave and pregnate?

And then I'm like, oh, wait, I did that. Yeah, that that was

me.

A slight tumor grows in the back of your head, and it's just like, Barosca.

Yeah, yeah, it just, it follows me around, yeah. See, now that I was able to pass on the curse to you all, and specifically you, Hunter, I just have pleasant memories of Barosca.

What a nice little story.

Psychopath. Yeah, psychopath, yeah.

Marcus seems surprised by that. He pushed the cigarette away from his.
It's kind of funny. Marcus seems surprised by that.
You mean by him saying a skinwalker? Marcus seems surprised.

You have the detectives like, what do you think happened to your sister? And the boy's like, I think a skinwalker caught her.

Hmm. It's like, okay.
That's surprising. I mean, I don't know why you thought that, but.

I was just going to say someone, you know, pretended to be your mom. What are you talking about?

I don't know. It's probably a guy who broke into your house, but okay.
Yeah, home invasions are pretty common.

What is a skin walker?

I know Clancy's a kid, but there's still no level of Clancy. Like, there's the whole, wait, where do you know about skinwalkers or whatever?

But I mean, like, even when I was a kid, jumping to supernatural conclusions, if an adult went along with me, I'd be like,

what? Yeah, yeah. I'd be like, I'd be like, what the fuck, really? Like, hold on,

I was talking about a movie I watched the other night.

Yeah, I'm Marcus. I'm Marcus.
And yes, it is a ghost. Yes, Clancy.
I'd be like, you seem like a very irresponsible adult.

I shouldn't have a parent right now.

Where's my dad at? Oh,

he's a werewolf.

I should call the police. The police are zombies or something.

They're all plant people. They're all plant people.
It's just me and you, child. It's just me and you, Clancy.

Against the world. Now, do you want me to show you where vampires come from?

No.

Alright then, I guess I'll play the next recorder.

Or like Clance is like, You mean Transylvania? Marcus leans forward. He's like, Now, how did you know?

Where did you find out about this?

Who the hell told you that?

Clance is like, This is just like Hogwarts. Marcus is like, Dear God.

Good God.

You're not a wizard, are you?

Like, what, Marcus is just an equally delusional old man who like also thinks media is real.

We're going to need to call Nick Fury on this one. Like, he's just.

You have to say, you do. He's your girlfriend's father.
Exactly. That's a great idea.

You puff out your chest and you say, you don't even realize the fucking wolf pack you just brought in on you, buddy. As we say, and I go to his ear.
I go to his earlobe, and I do,

just like that.

You want to take this outside? You'll see how you'll see how soft these hands when they're fucking meeting your face, asshole. That's what you should have said.

The very first time I met my dad, my wife's dad, he got up and he shook my head. I said, sit back down.
I said, sit back down, old man. Let me get a look at you.
Is what I said.

I'm like, I scoffed at him. I did.

Yeah, that'll do. So I said, I walked off.
And did you ever see him again, or did you kidnap your wife? Or how did that work? Oh, yeah. No, we're really good buddies now.

He He learned his place, he learned his place in the wolf pack.

He's my pup.

He learned his place in the wolf. Yeah, he's one of my pups.
I cannot wait to meet your parents and in-laws. I have so much to tell them.
Oh, gosh.

They're going to be like, oh, you mean, they call him, they're like, oh, you mean Ezekiel? Because that's my dog name.

They're like, what about my dog name? Yeah, that's my pup name. It's my album name.

Ezekiel.

You better not catch me on a full moon, dude. That's all I gotta say.

I'm gonna keep reading now.

I went to the website. It's one of those bot chatting programs.
I think it's best if I just let the conversation speak for itself. Hello? Hello?

Who is this and how are you able to control my computer? Who am I?

Right.

Forgot you're a bot. Do you really think that?

Listen, I know whoever's screwing with my computer can see my screen right now.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah, and I'll wager that you're one of those IT kids who thinks he's tough shit. You know what you're doing right now is illegal, right?

Is it?

No shit. Are you familiar with the terms invasion of privacy? Get off my computer, kid.

I am your computer.

Cool story. Anyway, I'm calling DPS.
You picked a bad time to screw with me, kid. I should wait until you played the game again.
What is this voice? Why are you-

clever, bot? What makes you think that this text-to-speech program is like, oh, I just do it a boy? Like, should I wait until you played the game? Okay, what? Whatever. I'm just gonna keep going.
What

that game

Major's Mask?

Yeah.

How did you know about that?

Because

what

I did it.

Did what?

I played with you. What the what?

Were you scared?

Who is this?

Big.

The statue? You're inside my computer now?

Yeah.

How?

You conducted me. If you're so powerful, why use a ridiculous website like this to chat with me? That's messy.
More structured. Fun.
Fun? Yes. Tradition.

I like that. You think it's funny?

Amusing.

And my notes? You may write them down. Why are you letting me?

This is amusing to see what you think of me. Window closes.
You want to explain what that voice was you were doing?

It's chat bot, dude, or clever bot. I've never heard clever bot.
Does it sound like that?

Yeah.

Shut up.

I hate you.

I'm in the middle. We are at the end of this story.

We're going to keep going. Okay.
Bid called me to cla-

Are you bored?

I'm not bored. I just know that you're going to derail this.
I just know you're going to derail this.

He tells me. Anyway, we're back to Cleverbot.

What is it? What's the point of playing? I die whenever I do anything.

You die because you can't figure out the secret.

What?

Symbolic.

What are you talking about? The beauty in your suffering. I can't, bro.

Part of it's exacerbated by you, admittedly, Vince.

Exacerbated by my question, she said...

Oh, yeah, sorry. Why don't you just tell them about the goddamn balloons if they're so interested?

That's very aggressive. That's super bad, man.
Okay, maybe you're imagining she's maybe

she's sitting there smoking. She's sitting there like smoking.
She's like, Let's just talk.

Let's just talk about the goddamn balloons if they're so interested.

It's like, hey, mom, my story did pretty well on this on this subreddit. She's like, who cares?

Do you have a wife yet? A job? Yeah, when are you going to move out of this damn house?

you and your shark pull float have been here for 30 years.

Shark pull float! Get out of my house!

When you play a character, you're temporarily possessed by that character.

I followed him to a black Jeep sitting at the edge of the parking lot. We jumped in just as a loud bang echoed across the asphalt.
God only knows what it meant.

J

Hunter.

Huh?

Hunter. What?

Just read the sentence at the end of this paragraph. The beginning chords to highway to hell blasted from the speakers.

Hell yeah, dude. What? Are we doing part three?

Yeah, I will say this is to where I'm like, this isn't cute. This is just, I'm like, this is...
The cringe is building up like beads of sweat on my face.

Okay, maybe, maybe, maybe we now, maybe part three is supposed. maybe it's like uh army of darkness oh my god wait

why not i shrugged as i turned it up

It doesn't always move like that. It sometimes travels on another plane.
I can't explain it. Everything changes changes and warps around that thing.
Even time.

That's why I'm about eight years older than I should be.

I gotta explain every single fucking thing to you, by the way. In the first couple parts of the story, we mentioned how time changes around it.

And it has been mentioned twice now that I am significantly older than you. So the audience cannot put those two factors together.

So I will now explicitly say that I am precisely eight years older than I should be due to time differences created.

I'm gonna take it

down.

For those in front of us,

I'm gonna

take

a shot. Shoot the game.

So that is going on on the speakers blaring and the guy's like

yeah, but that's even why he doesn't really travel like we do. Also,

that's why I'm eight years older. She's like, right,

that makes sense. Thanks for explaining that.

We better get to deep wood fast.

I'm doing it tonight. I can't take this anymore.

Benny, come here. Come up here.

Okay.

Thunder.

I was caught

in the middle of the railroad track

Thunder and I ran

that I do there with your catty back

Thunder and I grazed and I thought what could I do

Thunder

Did I do?

There was no help!

No help from you!

Thunder!

We're not gonna do that! We're not gonna do that!

I just wanna get to the point where I say, stupid!

Don't destroy!

Yeah!

Yeah, the whole time was she sitting there, and she's just like, you've been s- you've never shut the trapdoor?

just behind her. Oh, wow, wow,

yeah,

going on in the background.

I didn't realize until halfway through us singing Highway to Hell that we switched into shoot to thrill.

Yeah, I couldn't remember the lyrics to Highway to Hell, so I just went to shoot the thrill.

Okay,

I didn't think too much of it at the time. I figured it was probably a kid from one of the other houses trying to mess with me, so I took it off the door and tossed it in the fireplace.
Oh, God. Why?

Oh, God.

First off, you're contradicting yourself because he's like, yeah, everyone's pretty much gone because of the season. And now he's saying that there's children?

It's probably one of the random evil children across the lake.

Well, I don't want their gifts, so I'm going to burn it.

Don't burn the artifact, dude. Rule one.
I think we can establish that with all the stuff that we've read and everything so far

if you ever find something like this I would say just don't even touch it don't mess with it

like rule one right well look here all I'm saying is every forest that I know every self-respecting forest has the pagan child right that runs runs through the forest and of course yeah and and i i suppose burning their gifts is you know an appropriate response i always just kept them just like put them up in my house.

I thought they were cool.

First off, it's like, where did you find the twigs and twine? Yes, you can find the branches places, but to even go to the store and purchase twine, I don't know.

I don't know that person, and I don't,

I would have to be completely disconnected with it.

We got to keep continuing because

let's put it this way. Let's put it this way, right? Let's take a step back and kind of observe the story so far.
This person's a grad student. We'll call him Greg.
Greg is a grad student, right?

So he's like, he's going through school, probably doesn't have that much money.

Maybe, like, not really a strained relationship with his mom, but not enough that his mom's willing to talk about her father, right?

So

he's probably not that well off. And then he's suddenly gifted a house that he could probably sell for like a quarter million, right? Countryside, nice house, stuff like that.
Oh, dude.

So beautiful piece of property. He can't just walk away from that, right? He has to do something.
He absolutely can.

I want to go on a limit.

Here's something too. And

we're getting too far off the story, but I want to say this.

If a family member, a grandpa of mine that I've never met and has no relationship to me whatsoever, gave me property and it's free money. And I'm like, hey,

where do I sign to sell this? Is what I would say immediately. I have no personal ties to this, right?

And also to assume that you're a grad student and you want to live in the middle of nowhere on a lake. Are you kidding me? Yeah.
Right, dude that's all i gotta say

okay well i'm gonna be sympathetic for at least at he hasn't lost me at this moment at this moment okay all right he's lost you to you he's he's chum he's sharkbait who cares but he sharkbait he sharkbait wendagoon because here's the or isaiah is the here's the thing isaia is on your you're like hey it's a really beautiful out here and then you come back let's just say it's the third day you've been there and there is a blair witch project artifact on your door it's not even like like, hey, I've lived here for a year.

I'm settled, right? That's a different story. That's a totally different story.
He's so, Greg is so new to this, it's unbelievable. Unbelievable.
And then he burns it. He's a dunce.
He's a goon.

I don't respect Greg already. We got to continue.
I'm sorry, listener.

That's all I got.

I have nothing.

I have nothing but hate in my heart. Okay, well, now, out of necessity, I have to be a Greg defender.

That's fine. Because

if we both hate him, this is just going to be mean. So I've got to come to his aid.

You have to wear that cross. I have to bear that cross, yeah.
Okay, so the guy who rightfully so burned the pagan artifact says,

by the next morning, I'd pretty much forgotten about it. Okay, he's lost me.

After that sentence, he's lost me. What do you mean you forgot about it?

Well, by the next morning, I didn't think about the children making demonic triangles and putting them on my door. No, no, I can't.
I can't.

I can't do it. I can't do it.
I'm I bet. I have to stay on his train.
I'm Greg DeFinray. Okay.
I would forget about it too, I guess. All right.

I thought about getting in my car and just going home, but I felt like that would get me in trouble. There's all sorts of property tax stuff I don't understand.
I felt trapped. Okay,

you can leave the house and still pay property taxes if that's your issue.

You know what, though? If anything, if anything,

it's like uh he is predominantly young, right? Like a college grad. So he could be like, I mean, I don't know what's going on.
I mean, I guess

do the property tax, am I allowed to leave if I owe money on the plane?

That feels outlandishly stupid to me. That feels like, what are you talking about?

I feel like that would be, get me in trouble. There's all sorts of property tax stuff.
I don't understand. I felt trapped.
Okay, Greg.

Sure, Greg. Whatever you say.
Sure, Greg.

It is getting across the idea that Greg's kind of dumb.

Yeah, well, he's burnt pagan artifacts, and now he feels he can't leave his house because he owes property. Okay, a lot of dumb, not kind of dumb.

Yeah.

I don't think he'd make any noise.

He's a silent lover.

Yeah.

Just like he would barely move at all.

Damn!

Slender man makes you do all the work.

He probably just stands there and looks down.

Okay, I know.

He just stands there and looks down.

Yo, Slender Man, you freaky with it.

All right, 29. If entry 29 doesn't have Slender Man,

Slender Man looking down in the next room, I'm going to be very upset.

What I wouldn't give to hear a woman be like, Yeah, Slenderman, give it to me.

You stay still, you stay still, and you let me do all the work.

That's got you hung up, doesn't it?

Do you expect Slender to be a good lover? Oh,

I imagine him being passionate, this big-ass long-finger. I expect him to be emotional and off-putting.
Are you okay, Ellie?

Of course, of course, Jessica's taking back shots from Slenderman, dude. Creepy.
Hey, so you've been pounding in your wall for the past seven and a half hours. She's like, What?

But then you told me your job was being relocated. What is going on? I don't have to fucking tell you anything, dude.
These two absolutely insane people.

Two people visited by the Hatman religiously, and now they're like, stop lying.

Well, maybe, maybe they're taking turns having these

paranoid fits. Isaiah, what if...
So what if Jay is perceiving that Jessica's getting back shots

by the Hat Man, and then she's just hearing Tequila all night from his room?

She's like, oh my God, he's back at it.

All night.

Yeah, exactly. That's why they both fucking hate each other.
Because

it's like 3.30 in the morning and she just hears, Tequila,

and then him is just a slow fucking slender man the whole time. So they're both just like insomnia-ridden monsters, basically.

That's why each of them keep coming to the other one.

Like, stop! Exactly.

That's why they're so on edge around each other. Hey, fuck you.
That song sucks. He's like, what are you even talking about? I mean, I haven't even listened to Keelan, I don't know, 45 minutes.

Also, just like, I'll say this. I know at least a dozen guys who would commit unspeakable crimes for Jessica.
Just like,

she just has the just the phenotype that absolutely insane men would kill themselves over.

I can't explain that in a rational way, but someone knows what I'm talking about. Tokila.

So I'm walking around the car with my night vision on, like, there's nothing out here. There's absolutely, I can see everything.
There's nothing. Put the helmet on, see for yourself.

And she was like, I'm just scared. So we set up with her crying until sunrise and then drove home so oh my god

that is brutal you would have been so up if you had put the night vision on you're like oh my god what is that

oh god what is that it's horrible it's horrible

No, what I should have done is I would have been like, I'll go find it. And then I just don't come back.
Yeah, don't come back. You come back the next morning with like Dunkin' Donuts or something.

Babe, I just decided to go walk and get donuts. Hope they don't mind.
Dude, she's just like fossilized in the car from being so afraid.

Dude, she would have. I think she would have divorced me.
I think 100%. Yeah, I pictured my wife.
Yeah, there's no way. I would have been up shit creep for sure.
Yeah, fuck.

What the hell? That's my fucking voice.

I knew this one would get you.

Come on, dude.

Come on.

Marcus answered with a half-grin.

I knew this one would get you.

I imagine if I had like Will of Defoe's Green Goblin, like yes, use your hatred.

I knew this one would get to you.

Only fools are heroes, Clancy.

I knew this one would get to you. Marcus answered with half a with a half grin.
Oh, well,

get to you more than the others.

I just don't know why he's being so coy. He's being so coy.

In spite of everything you've done for her, eventually she will hate you. Eventually, she will hate you, Clancy.

In this world, it's dripper drown, Spider-Man.

So, what are you?

Marcus didn't let me finish. He pushed my hands away from the phone screen and hit play on the recording, interrupting me.

I'm sorry.

So what are you?

I know. I'm still recording.

Come on, dude. I was laughing, but he's like, so what are you? Like,

in my head,

he's got like a duster on that's like flowing in the the wind.

I'm a motherfucking angel.

That's exactly. That's exactly what I was thinking.
Like,

I am he who walks between the here and the there. I am like,

like

2000s FX like

action movie dialogue, you know, like Hellboy.

God,

it does.

I admitted, feeling the color in my face draining little by little as I listened.

Given enough time to learn, that thing could be a top predator. And let me guess.
You can't let that happen. Oh, my God.

Yes.

Yes.

Oh, my gosh.

I, dude.

I love it.

Oh, dude.

This is bordering on like do we even do we like we I'm down to read the until the end of part one, but this is getting unbelievable. This is tragic

out of all the things we've read so far. This is like come on

and we can't let that happen

And let me guess you can't let that happen.

Oh, oh my god

We can't let that happen.

All in due time, I replied and pushed play on the recording. What is this?

What is this?

Oh.

Oh my gosh.

Again, if this isn't, to those listening, if this doesn't...

Like if you don't realize why this is so funny the dialogue goes it is a kid who just met this man who keeps saying stuff like, it's a predator, one that can't be stopped, one too powerful.

And the guy goes,

it could be a top predator. And the kid goes, and let me guess.

You can't let that happen. And then the guy goes, we can't let that happen.
Like, it's the most.

But you see here, Clancy is taking control. He says, all in due time.
No! He's mimicking Marcus.

The kid! The kid who just found out out that his sister's

a full-grown X-Files detective man is having this kind of camaraderie with what we assume to be a 15 or 16-year-old child. All in due time.
And he's like, huh, that's right, Clancy.

Yeah, the kid, after hearing all this, hearing that his sister burned to death a few days ago, was killed by a skimwalker, the kid's like, all in due time.

Oh, God. Bro, it's the most like Disney dialogue.

I cannot wait.

I cannot wait to where she's like, she pours her. She's like, how I'm going to kill this monster you're asking? Well, that's simple.

I'm going to douse myself in chemicals and gasoline, light myself on fire, and tackle it.

You're like, why would you do that?

The way you said that. Well, that's simple.

Like, it's a TikTok DIY video.

She literally begins her last thing she said The current plan is simple.

I just like, I just like uh, it's like, so long as it dies here, and then even uh, even Clancy's like, My god, Sarah. The voice doesn't answer her, but instead skitters away from the door frantically.

Sarah takes one final breath, and the sound of a match being struck is heard loud and clear.

Oh my god, get fucked.

I'm in hell.

Imagine also. Imagine, here's the thing too, dude.

Here's the thing, and I really want you to take this into consideration. They are not seeing any of this.
They are hearing this on a recorder, on a phone.

So you just hear like,

get fucked.

They didn't line up no matter which angle I went at it from.

All that that we know for certain right now is that someone died in a fire.

So, monster hunter, huh?

Oh my gosh!

Yes!

They did it! They did the whole...

What are we? Some kind of suicide squad? They did it! They literally did it!

What are you? Some kind of monster hunter?

Yes!

Oh!

Oh gosh, this is the greatest. This is my favorite thing we've read on Creepcast.
This is the best. This blows pin pals out of the water.
This blows Veronica out of the water.

This is so good. I can't.
Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my God. I'm.

I asked after a few moments of heavy silence. Pretty much, Marcus answered.

I'm the only one they call when shit gets spooky. And let me tell you, this shit is very fucking spooky.
Hold on, let me get back to my chair. Let me get back to my chair.
Hold on. Oh, my God, dude.

Listen.

Pretty much, Marcus answered. I'm the only one they call when shit gets spooky.

Let me tell you. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Where are you at?

Dude,

I thought you were joking.

No! I wasn't looking at the screen. So when you said, I'm the one they call when shit gets spooky, I thought you were making...
That is a legitimate.

This is quotes.

Pretty much. Marcus answered.
I'm the only... I'm the one they call when shit gets spooky.
And let me tell you, this shit is very fucking spooky. Look, kid,

it's like I told you time and time again tonight.

I can't force you to do anything, but consider it, okay?

As he said that, no,

no, don't make me read this next phrase. As he said that, he pulled out a business.

Oh, my God.

My note was something like this.

Hi, you found my balloon. My name is Blank, and I attend Blank Elementary School.
You can keep the balloon, but I hope you write me back.

I like Mighty Max, exploring, building forts, swimming, and friends. What do you like? Write me back soon.
Here's a dollar for the mail.

On the dollar, I wrote four stamps.

It was in quotes. I had to do it.

You were so excited.

Oh, that's great. All right.

He wrote that.

I know close family nearby. Sorry, you know what I would say to my mom if she was on her dinner head? Go ahead.
Let's write out.

Go ahead. Go ahead.
It's not a joke. Okay.
All right.

Never mind.

No, say it.

No, I was just going to say, I was going to go to her and say, I love you. And you robbed me of my happiness when I was a child.
And I hope you burn in hell.

You tired old goat, is what I would say to my mom.

You tired old goat.

I was trying to think, what would be the most insulting thing you just say to someone who's about to die? I feel like calling them a tired old goat has got to, it's got to hit hard.

What? You sheepish, you sheepish-looking human being.

Hey, Hunter, who do you want to die first? Your mom or your dad? Yeah, probably my dad.

You were way too ready for that.

I like my mom more. What am I supposed to do? Oh, my gosh.
I was expecting like some level of like,

like cause or like, oh no, why would you rather whatever you're like, if I had to choose between the two, I mean, it's gonna suck when they both go, but I'd definitely probably say my dad.

I'd been morosely looking at job listings for the last few days, but this was the first one that stood out, if only because I was bored and it was weird. So I sent an email.

Oh, actually, did you see the? It has the email here.

What? The email is actually listed: windagoon at youtube.com. Oh, okay.
Yep. Yeah, that's how emails work.
I put

at youtube.com, which everyone knows when you make a YouTube account, you just go ahead and make your domain youtube.com. It's true.
Oh, oh, oh, what's this? Hold on, hold on.

We have, we have the name of the woman who's trapped in a room. It is Hunter Hancock.
Now, isn't that strange? That's a weird name. Hunter Hancock's whore mother.

At gmail.com.

Every time I'm at a level, you're like five levels past me.

Okay. And not in a good way.
That's not a problem.

You should be worried.

Mom?

Why is your email on this website? She's like, it's called LinkedIn.

Your entire,

this story is about you, but there's no job and you just trap your mom in a room for no reason. I'm going to have you make me peanut butter sandwiches all for the rest of your life.

Is there some kind of thing between you and your mom? Because last episode, you were like burning hell, you old goat, or whatever.

Is there something you want to talk about? Or, you know what, dude, me and my mom, we just have a silly relationship. Is that what they call it? I think that's what they refer to it as yes.
Okay.

And accept what it is that he bestows upon you.

Oh, my God.

I want to say that. I want to say it was fucked up how loud my headphones were when that happened.

And

I felt that visceral, that visceral knee-jerk pull,

and it hurt.

The snipped and whipped thumbnail. Jesus Christ.

That's not even his clothes, dude. It's the guy's clothes.
Whoever's living there, it's their clothes.

It's not even

our main character's clothes, I bet.

Dude.

Okay.

All right.

Hey, you know what?

Our better character must be a little cutie-patootie to have somebody be fawning over him so much, huh?

Hunter, I know you're a YouTuber, but.

I know we're YouTubers and all, but we gotta lay off.

No, okay. All right, all right.

Veronica was in the fourth grade and was probably the prettiest girl in the school. Even as a six-year-old, what'd you say?

Say that again.

I just said, yeah.

Oh, no, you better be careful as a 47-year-old man. Yeah.

I know, I know.

How to get out of any social event.

Yeah. So if it it's just a kid.

Just one simple. Yeah.
Yeah.

A couple minutes before the movie started, a group of girls walked in.

They were all pretty attractive, but whatever beauty they might have had was eclipsed by the girl with the dirty blonde hair, even though I had only caught a glimpse of her profile.

As she turned to move her.

Oh, as she turned to move her.

What's cooking good looking?

You better hope it says she's 19.

The 42-year-old woman walked up. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh,

that makes her only a couple decades younger than me.

She's a child.

I'm still a cradle statue.

Oh, as she turned to move her seat. I caught a full view of her face, which gave me the feeling of butterflies in my stomach.
It was Veronica.

What?

I thought it was an older girl. It doesn't matter.
I thought it was an older girl. No, it was Veronica.
Yeah.

That's why I was like, bro.

I know. I know.
I goofed. It was a goof.

That YouTuber's slipping out of you.

No, no, no. Quick, someone, check his Twitter DMs.
No, no.

Don't look, don't. Don't look.
No, no, no, no.

I saw her. She was alone and she was beautiful.
Oh, yeah.

Every time.

Anytime a woman's mentioned.

Anytime a singular woman is mentioned, I'm just like, oh, man. Oh, yeah.
A woman? Oh.

McQueen. McQueen.

Girls. Oh, brother.
Oh, brother.

Ladies, even? Oh, get it out of here.

Ladies, ladies. Who called in the smoke show?

In fact, it's about time I wheeled her out. Fair warning, Miss Sharma.
She's a thing of beauty.

To Rob Gathard, beauty took the form of a dark green Jeep Wrangler. Rob climbs in.

Did you see? Yeah.

Oh.

Yeah.

A dark Jeep green Jeep Wrangler. Oh, God.

You know what I like? I like the Jeep Wrangler from

that voice so fast. It's supernatural.
My gosh.

You remember?

I think it was either a Jeep Grand Cherokee or it was a Jeep Wrangler in the beginning of Goonies. But that style of Jeep back in the day, oh man, good stuff.
It was a good car. It was a good car.

Good for you, Rob Guthard. Good for you.
Yep.

Rob, I like how you make that noise if it's Jeeps or questionably young women in stories.

Oh my God.

Oh, good God. This is just, oh, oh, my one.

Stop moaning.

I can't do it.

Rob climbs in and lets it roll out of the garage, where it dominates every inch of the driveway. The car is off.

As soon as I read the word dominates. Every inch, oh, God.

Oh, gosh. The car is large.

Yeah, I know. I know you're waiting for that one.

Jamie and I hung out inside the house and played my Nintendo 64 while we flirted pretty outrageously. Hot.

How old are these kids? 26, I think.

Bases covered

bases covered. Man, these kids on bicycles, building ramps, playing Nintendo 64, thank God they graduated college eight years ago.
Yeah,

there it is. It doesn't look like whenever you're flirting, playing Nintendo 64.

What was that?

What kind of shenanigans?

You were never like in high school playing games with a girl you liked?

Some of the boys, maybe.

It's my turn.

It's my top. Stop it.
No, stop, Michael. Stop.
Stop.

That's how I flew.

You do that thing when you're playing a game together and then one of you is beating the other and you're doing the haha, like the shove thing or whatever. Come on.

That you're cheating.

Sure, yeah. That's probably what's being described here, yeah.
There's a lot of this going on, you know?

You're just tickling me. I don't like, I'm not going to describe anymore because you're going to do it and make somebody comfortable.

I'm looking directly into the viewer's eyes right now. Stop it! You're tickling me!

I'm up next!

I want the people to practice their flirtation.

I'm gonna keep reading, good lord.

There had been an unspoken sort of mutual attraction throughout the summer that no one had the guts to act on.

I'm moaning.

Half an hour later, Apollo shows up. Though he laughs about his ordeal, he's clearly a little shaken.

Guy should call himself an Uber. You can't shut those guys up.

Did you guys have Uber in England?

Yeah.

Oh, then you know what I mean, right?

I imagine if I had where he said Apollo Creed, I imagine actually, oh, he just passed away. You know who I'm talking about? The actor.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I imagine actual Apollo Creed shirtless in his American, like,

American flag trunks and boxing gloves. Yeah.
Like, stepping out of the car, and you're like, that guy should call himself an oop.

Yeah, steering the car with boxing gloves on.

Yeah, that's what I imagine.

Again, this was never an issue, as I was usually in another state by the time the next semester rolled around.

Have you ever heard anyone refer to themselves as a ham? I've heard the phrase ham it up, but I've never heard ham it up. I've never

heard someone say honey-roasted ham.

I'm a bit of a clown. I'm a bit of a jokester.
I'm a honey-roasted ham. Me? I'm known as the ham around these parts.
I am the ham. People also call me Oscar Meyer.
I'm a bit of a meat man myself.

Yes, and my teachers, oh, they don't like it.

Yes.

Oh, you're talking about Jacoby? Yeah, he's just a ham.

Me? Yes, I'm a ham.

Hello. don't confuse me with a turkey because i'm not i'm a ham

i'm no bird i'm a piggy okay i'm this is this is going nowhere you just gave me flashbacks to a really funny story so i haven't heard the name jacoby in years when i was in the sixth grade i remember so like i i i was like Christian kid.

I was homeschooled for a few years in elementary school. So like socially in like the sorry, seventh grade, I wasn't like up to date with like other guys my age.

So I remember I was at a sleepover and the other guys were talking about girls they thought were hot.

And I was like, I thought girls were pretty, but I never like, I was never, I'd say, like physically attracted in the way that like most teenage boys are until like eighth grade, right?

So anyway, seventh grade, they're asking me, it's like, oh, who do you think's hot? So I made up, I literally did the, she goes to a different school thing.

So I made up a girl and I gave her the name Jacoby because I heard that name and just like

just take the name out of the aether. And I was like, yeah, she's really hot.
She goes to a different school. So for the rest of seventh grade, those, because they immediately saw through it.

They were immediately like, this guy's never spoken to a woman. What are you talking about? They made fun of me constantly.

And they knew that like my parents were like, like religious and stuff. So they kept being like, I'm going to tell your mom that you said a girl was hot or whatever.
I'm like, no, please.

Like, I'm a federal girl. Like, don't tell my mom I like girls, please.

She's real, I swear. No, I swear to God, so don't tell my mom that.
Like,

my girlfriend's name's Steve Wallace. When you said the name Jacoby, it shot spikes through me because I haven't heard that name.
And for a brief second, I'm like, don't tell my mom.

No, no, please.

Don't tell her I like women. She's real.
Anything Jacoby. She's real, I swear.

don't tell my mom dad

yeah i had to share that i could have let that one go yeah that's a nice piece of uh you know that's a good piece of cringe i appreciate that thank you so much the author of the showers is listening to this like can they just read the story

yeah no shit no

they're probably like listeners are like i too had a girlfriend named jacoby

yeah i also think jacoby's a man's name

it absolutely is I have a friend named Jacoby. It absolutely is a man's name.

I swear I met a girl named Jacoby, which is why that's a good thing. And Jacob is in the name.
It's basically Jacob of the Y.

It's basically Jacoby. You're like, wait, that's not a girl's name.

Okay, but there's like a button, like, okay, you have Alex, and then you add an IS, and it's Alexis. It's a girl's name now.
Like, there's a ton of things.

True, true.

True. I don't know if Jacoby sounds very feminine.

She's real to me, okay? She's real to me. She's real to me.

She goes to another school, but she's really hot. She goes to a different school.

I remember

while we're on this, I remember the other guys would like told the girls in the class, like, hey, he made up a girl that he thought's pretty. So, like, the girls would bully me.

They'd be like, oh, like, what's Jacoby look like? You're incriminating yourself.

You're incriminating yourself.

I literally, I was so scrawny and weird in seventh grade that I

this is I am incribent. I'm like I said, the pain medicine don't hold this against me.

It became regular. You're making yourself such a hole.
You're like, I shouldn't do a pants. There was an empty trash can on the way to

the bathroom at school.

And if I passed one of the like eighth grade students going to or from the bathroom without saying a word, without like making a fuss about, they would just pick me up and put me in the trash can and just like.

I have, I have no response. I don't know how I'm supposed to.

This is so sad. That's not

we'll move on, but I promise that's not the worst of it. That was the stuff that was funny.
There was other stuff.

I got bullied a lot for being like, for having, I had a lisp and I liked Dragon Ball Z. I was not.

Yeah, and I made up women.

I want to put you in a trash can right now without your talking about it.

Yeah, okay, yeah. sorry.
I'm going to pick you up and dunk you in a trash can. This is why I prefaced the pain medicine.
Okay, because I knew it would be... I knew I would overshare.
Okay.

I love Vegeta and I love Goku so much. Please.

That wasn't my list. My lips.

Have you seen a seven-foot-tall woman named Jacobi walking around?

I'm missing her. I do like

my shoes. I've always liked tall women.
Okay, so maybe I did say she was seven feet tall. Maybe that's how they saw through it.
I don't know. Tall glass of water.

Can we get back to the story?

I'm not even going to lie. Can we get back to the story? You're hijacking this and you're like telling your whole sad life right here.
I'm trying to remember where the hell we're even

at.

My friendships were often fleeting. Okay, you're the one who said Jacobi.
This is your fault. If you've used any other name, none of this would have happened.
Okay. I'm sorry.
I didn't know.

What is this podcast?

i don't know i'm blessed i'm i'm i'm uh i'm literally doing a podcast with a guy high on fentanyl right now i have no idea what the hell's going on

and also this one girl i have to

close your ears honey you don't get this satisfaction there was this one girl who came up on stage And I'll have you know, I'm married, by the way, right?

This one girl came up on stage and she was tall, right? And she was wearing like goth makeup and clothing. And I go, hi, what's your name? And she looks at me and goes, Jacoby, Jacoby.
100%.

And I go, no, it's not. And she gets right in my face and goes, yep.

And then just doesn't say anything else to me the whole time. That's all.
That's all. She just, she just wanted to do that.
Okay. And I felt attacked.
I felt assaulted.

No, it was not a test. That was not a test.

That was an attack on me. Okay.

You said, I feel like

I feel like you did this.

That was an agent of the devil. You are the devil.

I have no idea why I chose to do that, but it was fun giving in to the strange impulse not to break the droning hum of the soda machines, at least for the moment.

I do get that. Have you ever been to like a really quiet place and for some reason you're like,

I shouldn't make a lot of noise, you know?

No.

no, I don't think I've ever done that. All right,

okay. So, I got to the cerebral.

I'm trying to put myself in the mindset of being like, I don't want to break the droning hum of the soda machines.

I don't know if people are going to start yelling at me again, like the license plate fiasco, but sorry, I don't give a fuck about the droning soda machines. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

I more so get it in nature, like when I'm outside, and not for like, oh, I don't want something to see me. Just like it sounds so calm that I'm just like light footsteps.

Like I don't want to, you know, disturb the peace, so to speak.

And I could get that in like a more industrial area of kind of like, it's so calm here. Why we're in it? I remember being a kid.

We went to like a really big church when I was a kid. And sometimes when I'd go downstairs to the bathroom, there were like these long, long hallways around the church, like in the basement area.

And it kind of had that like, you know, the fluorescent hum thing.

and I remember just standing down there sometimes and thinking like man it is so quiet like you can hear so much every little detail and I kind of get not wanting to disturb that right don't want to break the silence yeah yeah no no that makes sense almost not not of like a fear thing more of almost like a social cue weirdly it's strange no that makes sense

When I opened the envelope, I understood. There was no letter.

Why would you give the child that? Well,

the next line says there's something in it. So we'll see what happens.

Okay. All right.
Well, all right. I'll hold my tongue for a second.
All right.

Yeah, she didn't just hand him a blank envelope like, loser.

Super sorry.

Bummer. Everybody want to point and laugh at him? He's a loser.
No, this kid didn't get a balloon back. Ha ha.

Jimmy, you had the picture of the man touching himself, right? Give it to him to make him feel appreciated.

No, it's mine. i don't want to it's mine jimmy give the picture of the man touching himself to to bryce he wants it no it's mine what did we talk about sharing

i don't care it's mine i want it

okay well you're gonna have to find a new polar right okay because jimmy loves his picture that's my favorite thing ever on this earth

the japanese are good people good manners but they got all these urban legends and ghost stories that hiroji was crazy for. Spent all his free time chasing them down.
Like, you heard of Jorigumo?

I don't think so.

I'm sorry, but

that delivery, I imagine like a bewildered elf.

I don't think so.

Well, she's the spider lady, lives in the Joro Falls round Ezu.

Your southern accent with this is so good.

Well, she's a spider lady that lives in the Joro Falls round Azu.

I'm sorry. Is that not the caricature that you're? I just don't believe Rob is actually going to these places.
But he seems to be a learned man, so who knows?

He one of them educated types. He just talked too big.

Okay.

anyway

before i was rudely interrupted i'm sorry i'm sorry with a criticism over my rob speak

like i don't understand the character okay

well she

well she's the spotter lady gosh

hold on

Well, she's the spotter lady lives in the Joro Falls round Izu. Meant to be real pretty, but real dangerous.
Roche took us out there to get a picture of her.

Did you ever meet Jorogumo? Okay, that voice. I don't mean to keep.
I can't, you know, that like the fairy from Legend of Zelda. It's like the 50-year-old man in a fairy costume.

You know what I'm talking about? Hey, come on, man. I'm a cute girl.
I'm a cute. I'm Alice Sherma.
Did you ever meet Jorogumo? Okay, in my head, it's that, it's that. Is Tinsel its name?

The Elf or whatever? I don't know. I have no idea.
It's that, but trying to sound like a British woman

did you ever meet John

thank you okay

nah she didn't show none of them did I didn't believe at all until we went to

Al Kagara

sure out oh

Ki Gaharahara Alki Gagahara wait

Alki Gahara sir if you've been there for so long how do you not know how to say

Listen, little Missy, I don't even think that you're real.

I don't know what you is, but it ain't right. Why do you say such horrible things?

No, I don't see now you're whispering, and that makes me all kinds of bothered and uncomfortable, and I don't stand for it, ma'am.

You done got me riled. That's it.
I'm getting my gun.

Did you find anything in the Agahari? Awakagahara.

I thought I couldn't pronounce it. Now you can't pronounce it.
What's this about, you little educated

British lady?

I wouldn't say I'm a cultured woman. I just wanted to know if you've seen anything.
Did you find it? Oh, I see how it is.

You think you're all sophisticated, bander of the majors, because I'm from down here in Phoenix. Well, let me tell you this.

You think that it's fine for you to mispronounce it, but when I mispronounce it, it's because I'm some dumb yokel. Is that right? Yes.

Well, that's just

get back to the fucking story, deranged old man.

Well, that ain't quite Christian of you now, is it?

What's my call sign?

I thought about it. I was thinking London.
You're from London, right?

Oh, from Bristol.

That was a switch.

Sorry. Back is Rob.
We would have gotten here sooner if we had to drop by to get some blankets. Pleasure to meet you, ma'am.
Pleasure to meet you, too.

Would you be the journalist? That's right.

You used to write for the town paper, didn't you?

Yeah, that's right. This is like your schizophrenia setting it.
Yeah, which I know I'm like, yeah, that's right. You used to write for the town paper, didn't you?

I'm a little girl. I have a girl.

It's all your different characters crumbling in on each other.

This is his middle break. I can't wait.

I'm going to let viewers know, too, there's a lot of characters coming up, and this is going to get very messy.

So if you're not on YouTube watching this and you can see the characters' names there, I'm sorry. it's gonna get very sloppy.

You know, it's pretty funny because, like, initially, I was like, Oh, maybe he doesn't have enough to read, but now that I'm looking down, I'm like, nah, he's fine.

I have plenty. I have plenty.

All I can do is hold on to my recollection of the night before, reminding myself of the sense of calm, finality that radiated from Klein when I confronted him.

All I can do is trust that I made the right call.

No,

no, there wasn't.

This is the time when you decide to.

I told you it was going to drop at some point.

Thank you for not doing it as Clyde was walking off last night. Yeah.

Yeah.

Did the thought come to you? Be honest. Did the thought come to you to do it then? No, I was honestly waiting to see if you could go to an even way, way down the road kind of thing.

And just, you know, be like, robot, I think think i'm gonna make it

robot i think i might need a point in a bloody way of bloody skull mate come on

like in that moment so in my head the like i don't know about you but uh to me bristol slash alice looks like um

The actress who plays her in the Tessa Thompson in my head Like it's it's Tessa Thompson. The moment you spoke in that voice, it became like peaky blinder, Cillian Murphy.

Like, yeah, it just ends up being Killian Murphy. Just like transformed.

No, Rob. No, I don't think that was your fang me to do.

I ordered the pinky blinders.

No, that's that's actually very you.

I think Blue Jay would have appreciated that information last night.

Yeah, well, she didn't ask.

I'm glad you made it, Rob.

Glad you made it too. They build them tough down in London.

I rest my head back against the luggage.

I'm from Bristol.

Of course.

Yeah, yeah, of course. That's uh.

Sorry.

Hey,

I don't go to the doctor as much as I should.

I don't want to deal with the appointments and insurance and hear what's wrong with myself. I hate it.
It's yeah. The less I know, the better.
And that's why I let somebody else handle it.

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Yes. You don't want to admit it, but you should probably see a doctor.

So stop putting on those doctor appointments and go to zocdoc.com slash creepcast to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today. That's z-oc-d-oc-c.com slash creepcast.

ZocDoc.com/slash creepcast. Let's get back to the story.

Second victim was Jackie Graham, found drowned with 27 stab wounds in the in the per uh per yeah uh don't have to say don't know how to say that the uh also i want to say that it would be a huge disservice to any to me and everyone else if i didn't mention that 200 stab wounds the band has a new album out right now, and it's very, very good.

So please go do that. We're talking about all these little 27, 36 kind of stab wounds.
Well, what about 200? All right, give the album a listen.

Do you know what the perennium is? I have no idea. Okay.
It is the space between

your butthole and

your other thing.

Your cocker.

There you go.

So perennium is literally just a fancy word for taint? Yes. Yeah, yeah.

It's a medical word for it. Thank you.
They stabbed him 27 times in the taint.

It was a woman. And yes.

I don't know. It's so funny, Hunter.
This is a very serious crime. It is a very serious crime.

I'm not going to stab anywhere other than the taint.

Someone's dead, Hunter. This isn't funny.
No, whatever. Man, I thought I had it bad with Becca's shoe addiction, but fuck me.
Your wife's in here collecting eyeballs.

Ben, I think we should go.

I'm getting nauseous.

I would punch him in the face.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah,

I thought my broad was bad with all of her weird shoes. Hey, man.
Shoes is legitimately a lunatic. I'm getting the hell out of here.
It smells like baby diapers and shit. Hey, pal,

leases are less expensive. Am I right? You can get eyeballs in the backyard.
Ain't got to spend the check on the misses. The old ball and chain.
You hear? Yeah. Yeah.
You're lucky, pal. All right.

I wish mine had eyeballs. Get some Febreze.
Clear that right up. Yeah, get some Febreze.

You can't go to prison for tackling the neighborhood dog and ripping out his eyeballs. You'll be just fine.
But you know what? You can't get over that price from Payless Shoes.

That receipt she brings home, am I right? Put her, put her there.

The one thing you can't get over is a Balenciaga receipt. Yeah, right.
I'll tell you what. You think you think eyeballs are bad? How about some eye Balenciaga on a receipt? You hear?

Yeah, I'll tell you what.

I looked back at her in shock and saw her grinning madly, her fingers clutching a large shard of glass. You all right on there?

I hate Chris. I hate Chris so much.
He's like taking all of the wind out of this really good story. It's so fucking annoying.

Hey, I know I saw those eyeballs, and you've been like, you saw your dead wife or something with blood. You okay?

I thought those shoes were bad, buddy. Anyway, let's go.
Yo!

Oh, man. Anyway, you all riding there? I thought the BOGO wings we got at Buffalo Wild Wings were bad, but she looks crazy.
Um, she's right behind you, isn't she?

Uh, Benjamin, Benjamin, she's right behind you, isn't she? It's like, Chris, you can see. You would know that.
You're looking at me. You are looking at me right now.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, she's behind you.

Irm, Ben, you're going to want to see this.

Lynn had crawled completely out from under the bed and stood in the bedroom doorway. Her face twisted in rage.
Her whole body was visibly tense. Blood ran down her fingers and onto the floor.

Jesus, Lynn!

You

playing hide and seek?

I've.

God damn it, Chris!

God!

God damn it. Oh my gosh.
Jesus Lynn.

You played hide and seek?

She She just stabbed her husband.

Yeah.

What the hell are you doing?

What is this? Operation?

Whoa, don't go. Hey, look, it must be that time of the month or something going a little crazy.
Hey, you're bloody. For what reason?

Hey, pal. Don't we all got him? Oh, I see some blood on her hands.
I know what that means. Hey, they all get a little wacky.
They all get a little eyeball. You know what I mean?

I hope Chris gets skinned alive here. Chris was standing in the front yard talking on the phone with the police.

He's on the phone, like, um, she's right behind him.

I need you to deliver this as fast as a Jimmy John sub.

I want this hot ready, or else it's free. You hear?

Yeah, exactly. This toots is being absolutely wild.
She's all screwy-dewey. Get over here.
Hey, bring up, bring us a glass of wine and a weekend vacation, if you know what I mean.

The woman's going a little stir crazy over.

Look, I'm just saying I've said things in the bedroom. Oh my god, Isaiah, you're opening a can of worms.

It doesn't. Look,

that is fine. It's when you bring it out and we all have to look at it that it's like,

you know,

like, don't shit.

If I found out some horrible, heinous things that you said privately, I'd be like, well, you know what? That's fucking between him,

him, and his lady. All right? What the hell? Right.

Bacon. Why do I have a feeling that you're born? You have a feeling that

you do a devious Scooby-Doo impression privately.

You're half of the life of this. Yeah.

You know why I think that is because I remember when I went to visit Isaiah and his wife,

I went and I

looked in their kitchen. I was like, what is all this for? And it was a huge stack of

bread and salami slices. And they were pretty much preparing this giant 12-foot-tall sub.
And they're like, don't even worry about it.

So I imagine that you folded them like a deck of cards and ate it in one gulp, just like big old Scooby-Doo himself.

So that, that, that, sure, I'm tracking everything you just said, except for what relation is that to the bedroom? Your Scooby-Doo impression.

In the best. So you're saying I do the whole salami sandwiching thing as a mode of foreplay.

Okay.

Yeah. So if I'm Scooby, then who is Caleb?

Yeah, I mean, I'd say Shaggy.

Okay. Right? I mean, that makes sense.

That's the natural conclusion, I guess. Yeah, that'd make the most.

Like, Scoob.

Come on, Scooby. Put the sub down.

You're doing like all kinds of like

fold it, like, a bunch of deck of cards like he does in the show.

You guys chase each other around your room, but you do that thing where you run in place for three seconds and then dart off.

Only leaving a cloud of your silhouette in the wake.

Oh, there we go. Oh, my God, Kayla.
That was so much fun.

Our

foreplay is just like Hanna-Barbera cartoons, kids.

Not even with the sexual undertone. It's just like the jokes.

You sit outside your bedroom door

because Kayla locked it and

you wiggle the doorknob like Fred Flintstone, you do. Kayla!

I put my feet off the bed and run in place like I'm driving a car from the kitchen.

Run off. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, but

actually,

to have your

room where you make love be called bedrock is pretty sick. sick.

That's pretty sick. That was pretty funny.
After removing my fleece and lying down for just a moment, I end up sleeping in the clothes I'm wearing.

At some point, I'd walk up to Rob and be like, Rob, we gotta kill her.

Hey, Rob. Yes.

Bonnie is pretty sure

she's gonna kill us. I'm almost positive she's gonna kill us.
Well.

We got a lot of territory to chart. And Clyde's just like, I don't know why you guys are being so weird to my sister.
Stop being so weird to my sister. She's fine.

She's like trying to eat her own face in the back seat.

She's just weird.

She's vibrating, speaking Laddin behind the scenes.

All right, so do we have to go home then or what?

I don't know what the big deal is. She does this.
I don't know why you're so weird.

It's that time of the month. She gets like this.
She talked to a demon. Who cares? God.

You know, I really thought

when you were being Alice just said that you're going to go,

Rob, you're going to want to see this.

Rob?

Yeah, you're going to want to see this.

She's right behind me.

Yeah,

you get it. You know what I'm saying?

Rob, she's right.

Yeah. All right.
Okay.

In a minute, in a minute, there's gonna be like a thumping in the closet, and then Marcus is gonna go, Clancy, you're gonna want to see this.

Clancy,

it's right behind me.

Room seven was close.

I knew the demon was right behind me, but for some.

What?

It's right behind me, isn't it? Oh, God.

Don't bring that filth into this good story. I know.

If it gets worse after this, I did it.

Yeah, that's it. I just need to call someone.
I'm going to go outside.

And then there is, assumedly, a breakage in time.

Well, that didn't work so well.

Well, that didn't work so well.

Well, Irm, that just happened.

Well, that didn't work. Well, okay, I'll keep that out of the story.
It doesn't deserve it yet. Yeah, it might later, but not right now.
Okay.

Begins to show distress as the suspects, someone is following him. I like how now he just shows distress.
That's what gets him distressed.

Yeah, he's just like, he's like, wow, what the hell is this thing? Yeah,

someone's like kind of behind him. He's like, oh my God.
And as he starts running

while inspecting the flesh pyre of Satan, I have the feeling I'm being watched.

Methinks me being watched. Irm, he's right behind me, isn't he? Yeah.

Spoke to me in my own voice. The first thing he said was.

The hole will fill with snow and blood.

So yeah, that amped up my fear quite a bit.

So yeah.

That amped up my fear quite a bit.

Yeah, that amped up my fear

quite a little bit. I'm not going to let it deter me.

I'm going to say it. I'm going to say it.

Faye,

it's right behind me, isn't it?

Faye, you're going to want to see this. I will say, though, this does remind me.
I'm actually getting flashbacks from my own childhood. And my music class, we could write to any musician.

Oh, did you get a special Polaroid from a musician?

I got a postcard, and I wrote to Adam Sandler. That was the musician.

Okay.

Because at the time,

I had a comedy CD from him called Everybody's Gonna Laugh at You. And I remember I got a thing back and it was signed.
And it's obvious. It was so obviously fake.

But I remember at the time, I was like, whoa!

Holy moly! Your teachers fake a signed Adam Sandler letter? That I can only imagine. It was never verified, so it very well could be.
But like, looking back on it, I was like, there's no way.

There's just simply no. Do you still have that letter?

Maybe. Bro.
I'd have to.

I think for a very long time, I was like, this is just fake. I might have pitched it.
I don't know. No, bro.
If you still have... What if it's real?

What if one day, like, what if one day when you're 87 years old, you know, 10 years from now?

Could you like listen to yourself? Could you imagine, Huddo, if you had an Adam Sedo signature?

I will say, oh, no, no, okay, hold on.

I'm looking up images of it right now, and the signature does look very similar.

Because he did draw a, uh he drew a smiley face on mine and then one of these things okay well for one you're making you're making fun of me for the signature thing i'm saying it would be cool if like he sent a if he sent a signed copy of the cd to someone who became like a famous internet like comedian personality right like that would be a cool stepping stone you hear about like oh this director got a letter from scorsese when they were a kid or whatever right i'm saying it'd be neat for that reason not that

when i when i was listening to you i was i legitimately thought you were being like

i thought you were legitimately being like could you even imagine if you had adam sandler's signature right now that i'm that's what i'm starstruck by

oh my gosh really did you did mr sandler touch that no are you saying are you saying mr sandler

touched pen and he touched ink and quill on that picture? What's it smell like?

It smells like Adam. Give it.
Give me the letter. Give me the letter.
Give it. Yeah, girl.

Yeah. I'm going to help your parents raise you.
It's a big jog being a mommy and a daddy. Sometimes mommy and daddies need help.
I immediately, I immediately don't like this.

I'm going to let you know right now. I'm going to let you know right now.
I'm actually unsettled.

And I'm like, the

war, the

giant red flags before before we started reading it of being like, turn back.

You don't understand.

Literally, like five times, it was like, are you 18? Not safe for work. Are you an adult? Please find something else to read.

You know what's fucked up is even when I was like thinking about how we're joking about this, I still pictured the main kid just like, he's like grabbing his mom's plate now and he's eating that chicken too.

These are there like the Tasmanian devil like,

there's like a tiny tornado going around the kitchen.

Here's the thing, Isaiah. With that last sentence of one of his hands sliding across my cheek into my hair, that's disgusting.

The implication.

But I'm just going to pray that maybe, and I know this is fucked up to say, but maybe he just like breaks the kid's legs or something.

I'm going to pray he just breaks the kid's legs.

Just smash the kid's fingers and be done with it get just let's let's have it be one of those stories please that is an all-time creep cast quote that's really good my mother spun around from the stove and i saw her visibly tense she didn't like tommy touching us this is i know i know where it's going

i know where it has to be going the 18 content warnings tell me where this is going What I wouldn't give to just have him be like more of like a Looney Tunes character and just has like a cast iron skillet and he just like beats the shit out of the children with the cast iron skillet.

That would be so much more digestible.

I would be thrilled if he dropped an anvil on one of the kids. Oh, God, absolutely.
That would be, that would hit like a drug at the moment. It would be awesome.
But no, we don't get that.

No, absolutely not. I thought that if I could make him want to impress me, he would agree to go looking for the lost town.
What a bitch. I mean, this is like standard high school stuff.

Yeah, but still, that is not, I mean, what the fuck? I mean, like, sure, it's rude, but I mean, like, there's a bunch of girls in high school who are like, oh, that guy likes me.

If he gets off flustered, he'll go to that weird town where the guy died.

Well, how many. He's supposed to impress me.
How many girls?

How many girls in high school and stuff like that, like, you know, they try to

get a guy to like them for like social clout or like because he's like big on the baseball team? Like, they don't actually like him. They just want something out of him, right?

It's like, it's, I think it's a a fine part of being a kid now when you're an adult doing like serious relationships off of this

negging negging what what is what what is the definition of negging uh but negging is a manipulative tactic that involves making backhanded compliments or negative comments oh oh that's that's where you're just like you look really good for a fat girl that's negging i don't think that's it that's negging i don't think that's negging No, there's no tactic that involves making backhanded compliments or negative comments to make someone feel bad about themselves.

What you just did is just mean.

Negging is being no, it would, it would be like this. It'd be like, yeah, you look a lot better today.

That's that's this is kind of similar to what I did. No, no, the difference, it's

saying you look really good for a fat girl is totally different. First off, I didn't say that.
I'm saying that that's the example of what someone negative. I'm saying, but it has to be manipulative.

If I say, you look better today, you're like, thank you. And then maybe you're later to like, oh, did I look not good the past few days? Which is what the incentive to underline was.

Oh, so just saying, you look pretty good for a fat girl. It's just like, what are you talking about? What?

There's no manipulation.

For a guy this big, you look really good.

Okay, here's one. Hey, Hunter, your last video was a lot better.

No, thank you.

It was really good. The other ones are good.
This one's really good, too.

Wow, I'm good at everything. That's what he meant.
There's never one negative thing. Hmm.
Okay, wonderful.

Well, I'm glad I have an understanding of what negging is now. Okay, yeah, I'm just gonna keep going.

Inside the milk house, police found a bloody mattress. God, this music is locked somewhere.

What?

The music's what? Selenipilocytrate was found scattered around the mattress, along with used bandages and packets of penicillin. Someone had been sleeping, basically.

Okay, the decapitated head of the Ford's granddaughter was found wrapped in a blanket.

Could you turn down the music just a tan while I'm recording this? The head of Fiona's Ford.

The worst smell came from within the second stall of the bone.

What

several faces were found down to the walls inside the stall.

Jesus Christ!

Just turn down the mix!

Some of them belong to previous victims! Malformed! Beyond recognition!

Just turn it down!

There are also several decapitated big carcasses!

It's like a police chief giving a briefing in a hurricane.

Marty!

Turn him down!

This person had found him and was hurting him. I broke out in tears.
He was my only friend next to boxes. Okay, all right.
Hold on. Hold on, man.
You can't.

He was my only friend next to boxes.

I can't believe my only human, my only friend, Josh, is getting beaten up by some stranger in this house. My only friend next to my tiny kitty cat, Boxes.

It's like, don't put them on the the same level, dude. Come on.
Well, my friend's getting touched and murdered by a stranger upstairs. Good thing I've got my kitty cat.

Well, I hope that I can find my cat so I still have one friend. Man, I hope that if Josh is dead, I can still find my cat.
Well,

even if Boxes dies, he still has eight more lives, so it should be fine.

Hey, Josh. He gets on the walking.
Hey, Josh, did you hear that? Boxes has eight more lives. Yeah.
Hey, Josh, are you there? Josh?

Are are you there josh kitzer

josh we have to find

josh we have to find boxes

so it's so it's in the house what

i can't hear you got to honor hold up i'm gonna scream really loud is that you're in my room upstairs to the left of that room

you said you were in the closet underneath in the in the left corner right why are you hiding in there

here follow the sound of my voice

leetle, leetle.

Yeah. I'm going to keep beeping.
I'm going to keep making noises. Hold on, this thing has a siren function.
Let me try it. Please, please, please, please, please be quiet.
What?

Oh.

Okay.

I love Paul because Paul says this.

Yeah, I came down and, you know, that blocked in tunnel. Yeah, it's clear.
And like an

electrician came in and strung up lights. You know, people thought that they saw something and they thought they saw a deer.
Which I thought that was weird.

Is a deer supposed to string up the lights in the tunnel? But it turned out it was just a tall guy. So it's like, how'd you get that confused with one another?

Nah, actually, it's a nine-foot-tall man walking around the woods.

Look, pal, if you're hiring some tall guy to come in here and pull our job,

buddy, we're in the union. All right? You better.

Frank, you are pushing my buttons first the bug people and now you have a human ladder putting up lights all right need you to let us know because this is on contract

he did say that he thought the deer did it he said that uh it was it read it the the the flow of that sentence the way he structured it he's like i thought it was a deer he said

first i thought it was a deer they were seeing but then they all swore it looked like a tall man yeah but it's it's insinuated, at least for me, whenever I was listening to it, and I could be wrong, and I know you and all the viewers are wrong.

I like the insinuation. I could have swore I saw the deer putting up wires, and he had a DeWalt drill, and he was putting up lights, but turned out it was just a nine-foot-tall man.

Look, that guy and my crew, that guy and my crew. So, if you have some other crew in here, you need to let us know.
All right, and they're all sick as dogs.

Oh, my guys are sick.

I did DoorDash about 60 pounds of Mongolian fried chicken last night um that not feeling well after the altercation with the broke people and the nine-foot tall man i think did do something to the water supply i don't know frank all i know is my guys are royally pissed call me back also we found some really old

We got a guy on the crew that used to be archaeology work or whatever. What?

I do find that line funny. What? I know.
We found a Mesopotamian pyramid down here, Frank. And

one of the guys on the crew,

he's dug a couple of these. He's

a big archaeological work.

Like, it's like you used to work in retail. Like, it's just a common thing every crew has.

I'm just saying,

he's dug up some of these pyramids before, and he says that this is, this thing's kind of old, Frank. I also like it to be.

Not an expert Mesoamerican archaeologist, if you ask me, but he does have some history with like runic examples of the ancient, you know, of lost tribes dating pre-12th century.

So, you know, he's all right. He knows most of the edges.
He said that he's seen these gargoyle statues before, and we keep reading them.

We keep trying to read the names out loud, but we keep going blind when we read it.

So I don't know what's happening down here, but if you can give me a call, I also like how just nonchalant he is, too. He's like, man, Frank, I'm telling you, there's a lot of crazy shit down here.

Frank, there's a lot going on, Frank. I don't, I don't.
I think it's a bit serendipitous because we did offer the Mongolian fried chicken to the guy you sent out, but he didn't eat it.

And he's sick as a dog, too. So now I'm wondering what's going on.
Now I'm thinking, okay, it's probably something else entirely. Potentially the Beetle people.

Yeah, it could be the Beetle people because we had to rule out the tall guy because it ended up just being three clowns on top of each other's shoulders in a large trench coat. So that can't be them.

All right, Frank. Call me back when you can.

It turns out to be three clowns.

Oh, I'm fooled by the old three clowns in the trench coat at a construction site. At a construction site? That's a typical thing you have to deal with when you're going to be.
It's just

a classic high school prank.

Classic, yeah. They're all 14-year-old clowns.
Very young. I didn't know clowns started this early, Frank.
All right. Call me back.

Then the next message, he's like, hey, Frank, did you ever do the clown break when you were in high school? Because we're not like, He's just like talking.

Yeah, I thought you were going to say the next call is

just honk honk.

He's like, All right, Frank, I'm a clown now. Uh, I'm not going to be able to finish the job.
I am going to the circus. I wish you all the best, buddy.

He's like, I'm making a bunch of pies right now to put in people's faces. I think the crew's getting a big laugh out of it.
All right, Frank. Talk to you next time.

I'm hitting play.

I made myself stop for a moment. I couldn't know for sure what she was asking me.
I had gone to school with several boys named Thomas. It was a common name.
Oh, my God.

Yeah, bro, I'm sure.

Well, it could be. It's probably a coincidence.
I don't say... Hold on, let me call mom.
Hold on a second, Barbara. My mom said that Thomas more than one Thomas.

If a girl says your name Thomas before Dora gets she's an angel. I think I'm watching an angel.

Am I watching an angel from heaven?

But the chances of her painting that name when I was working here, I didn't want to be silly, but I wasn't trying to be too...

What's that word? Mom used to say it. Okay.

Oh, God. No.
Mom used to say it when she read her angel books. No.
Whoa.

What the fuck? Whoa.

That was actually not planned, and that is so fucking wild. That is.

Whoa. That was so...

Yo, that was wild

You okay, we made the joke haha mom said it was an angel and then the story says quote mom used to say it when she read her angel books

Skeptics

That isn't the oddest thing though. What's odd is that everyone has hyper realistic eyes

Yes, oh my gosh. Oh, I forgot about this.
Okay, so hunter some lore, right?

Every single with without fail every single video game,

movie,

TV show, whatever,

creepypasta would have some mention of hyper-realistic body parts. They're like, she was stabbed to death and a hyper-realistic heart fell into the screen, or

he was shot in the head, and hyper-realistic blood splattered across the wall. It was just, that's what, all the time, implying that.

Yeah, that's supposed to be the uncanny aspect to these cartoonish worlds. Real human eyes in SpongeBob, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good word, just sits there in silence, blinking for about 30 seconds, then starts to sob softly.

He puts his hands, tentacles,

over his eyes and cries quietly for a full minute more.

I imagine he puts his hands in his face, it's like

This was one of the most terrifying stories to children online, by the way. Keep that in mind.

The eerie part is that the sound, Squidward sobbing, sounded real.

It was like it wasn't coming from the speakers, but that speakers themselves were holes that the sound was traveling through from the other side. Yeah, that's how speakers work.

It's almost as if the speakers weren't speakers, but instead holes that sound is projected out of

as good a sound as the studios like to have, they don't have the equipment to be able to produce audio of that quality.

The lead animation editor paused and rewound frame by frame. What we saw was horrible.
It was a still photo of a dead child.

Oh, I miss this. I miss this kind of thing.

Because every other one I would read back then, like if there was a cartoon I watched, I'd read a creepypasta and it'd be this like random dead kids or blood or something. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

He couldn't have been more than six. His face was mangled and bloodied.
One eye dangling over it, popped.

He was naked down to his underwear. Stomach crudely cut open and his entrails splayed out beside him.
He was laying on some pavement that was probably a road.

Pavement that was probably a road is really funny. He's laying on some pavement that was probably a road.
Yeah, it's a picture of a dead kid. It's owned in the back.

It's like, is this a road or a sidewalk? Quick. We thought it was a basketball court, but we're pretty sure that it was a road.

At first, we thought this was a lake until someone pointed out, no, that's pavement, actually. No, that's not water.
That's pavement. That is, in fact, pavement.
We can't confirm.

Oh, and it's just for a single frame.

Oh, my God.

The most upsetting part was that there was a shadow of the photographer, but no crime tape, evidence tags, or markers. and the

wait it turns out this man wasn't a police officer at all yeah wait hold on guys this isn't evidence i think this is the guy who did this

and then and then the the the guy taking the picture turns around the camera and it's the ben statue yeah

you want to know why i killed this kid

the angle was completely off for a shot designed to be evidence it would seem they were the person responsible for the child's death we were of course mortified pressed on hoping that this was just a sick joke yeah that's what i like to do to my workplace friends display images of children i killed

we're just interns i didn't know we're just an intern nickelodeon i i was playing where's dan schneider yeah that's what i was about to say like as a dead dan schneider brian peck thing it's funny to imagine them like i was just goofing around You know, it's just a joke.

It's just a picture of a dead kid on some pavement. It's not a big fucking dick.
This is just what guys in Hollywood do, okay?

We're just Hollywood script writers. This is what we do.

We just have some pool parties with like 14-year-old girls at our house, throw some dead kids onto sets, and then

do some cocaine. Like, that's just, that's, but that's part of showbiz, all right? There's now what appeared to be blood running down his face from his eyes.

The blood blood was also done in a hyper-realistic style.

The blood was also done in a hyper-realistic style. He was confused as to why he had been called down, so the editor just continued the episode.

Once the next few frames were shown, all screaming and sound again stopped. Squidward was just staring at the viewer.
His face taking up the full frame for about three seconds.

The shot quickly panned out. That deep voice said,

Do it!

And we saw a shotgun in Squidward's hands.

Yes!

Yes!

Oh my god, read, keep reading, keep reading! He immediately puts the gun in his mouth and pulls the trigger.

Yes, the next line!

Realistic blood and brain matter splatters the wall behind him and his bed, and he flies back with force.

Yes!

I love it!

Yes!

We did it! There was an investigation due to the nature of the photos, but nothing came of it. No child scene was identified.

What?

It's just funny. There was an investigation due to the nature of the photos, but nothing came of it.
It's just like, you know, those photos? The most interesting part?

Yeah, nothing really came of that. You know those dead kids? Well, don't worry about it.
We're on to the next part. No child scene.
We didn't know what the fuck happened there.

Who knows it doesn't really matter yo that was weird and josh had really coveted it so much so that his parents bought him a slightly nicer one for his birthday which was toward the end of the school year immediately josh is a rat

yeah i exactly that exactly that snow cover sheet's pretty cool and he goes up to his parents he's like i did it might be better

Yeah, and also, like, the story opens saying that this, the rider is, like, from a lower income.

Yeah, exactly. Like he has this one little thing to hold on to.
His rich friend has to come over and he's like a small snow cone machine for Christmas. And Josh is like, oh, I need more.

I need a better

snow cone machine for Christmas. I'd be like, what a fucking out-of-season gift, dude.

A snow cone machine for Christmas.

This child, this child is like living in

poverty. And Hunter shows up like, really? A snow cone machine? Yeah, hey, hey, oh, you know what? Hey, here's here's here's an ice tray.
You probably need that too, right now.

There you go, for all your cold drinks you're having right now. Thanks.

Hey, Merry Christmas, mom. Go inside and get some, idiot.
Pick it off the ground.

I got you some swim trunks while you're at it. There you go.
Merry Christmas.

These are all very usable and flickable things.

Then a familiar voice broke my tension.

John.

This is Amy's voice, just so you know. Yeah.

Would you like to say that? Okay, all right, all right, all right. Fine, I'll change.
I like, I like saying John, just like John.

John, there you go. Was a single word in Amy's voice.
I breathed a sigh of relief.

Hey, it's you.

Every character, every character we have in these series, you love to make just

a toddler off the series. Hey, it's you.

Sigh of relief.

Who else would it be?

Audio listeners. All right, fine, fine, fine.
What is going on? Whose voice is this? What is happening? Who else would it be? Thank you.

Boy's enormous blue eyes suddenly filled with sadness.

You did a really,

really bad thing. All right, so the story had me.
I was like, I was there. I was in the room.
I was imagining. That sounds like the kid.
Blue-eyed. That sounds like a kid with big

goopy eyes. I can't remember their name.
Whatever character it was from South Park who sold the steroids to Jimmy for the special Olympics. Okay.
All right. Well, that's you.

That's your kind of interpretation of the voice I'm doing. I'm doing a young child with big, goopy blue eyes.
Oh,

you did a really, really bad thing.

He's a kid.

Now, this sounds like

this is mocking. This is some

level of

deep-down sarcasm.

I'm not going to stop you. I just want it to be clarified to the audience that I'm not with him.
I don't agree.

I could do it. I'll do a different voice.

See, see now you're in my head too late too late now now you're now you're in my head here what's a better you want why don't you why don't you give me examples if you wanted to give me an example of what for your audience then maybe you can act like it is all i'm saying i thought it was a i thought it was a legitimate good creepy weird thing you're talking about a kid walking around in a red onesie with a devil mask on uh-huh right all right so how do you think you should sound go ahead say oh you did a really really bad job i'm not the voice actor so i'm not the one to ask about this i just read the story.

You sure know how to give criticism as if you are. You're

right about that. That's for sure.
What about, oh, you did a really, really bad thing?

If that's what you think our audience deserves, then

you go with it. No,

I am a grown man trying to do a child's voice. You know what? I'm just going to let it roll.
It might be different every time. Who knows? All right.

Well, you know, like I said, if you think that's what the audience deserves, then that's on you. I'm just letting the audience know that I'm I'm not in on it.
All right.

I cried, not wanting to spend another second in this awful room. I could hear a woman screaming down the hallway, her cries rising as something meaty pounded into her.
Oh,

that just came out of nowhere. That was

uncomfy all at once.

Yeah, see,

I came up with a lot of people. So I get blamed for laughing at a a child getting his head blown up.

Something meaty pounded into her. I wasn't laughing at that.
I was laughing at like the story had none of that. And then it's no, I know, yeah.

Well, I mean, to be fair, it could be like thuds of a punch, to be fair. Sure.

Just like in the Shammy Taffy story, where when something was

a WWE star. It was a WWE game.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, it was a Tombstone pile driver. Yep.
Yep. No Windhouse.
Let's get into it.

Let me start by saying that Peter Terry was addicted to heroin.

God.

Damn. What a, what a, oh, what an insentient.

Whoa.

Just sort of the 13 year old window guns, just like, just like me.

This is good. If this is like super graphic,

I've set myself up for it. I don't think it is.
I don't think it is. I feel like this is definitely going to be one where I'm going to be like, like, why the hell?

Of course, this is what a 13-year-old loves.

I'm just hoping it doesn't go Jeff the Killer, as goofy as that. We'll see.
There was probably like a hot, tall woman in there somewhere.

And 13-year-old-you're on me was like, Peter Terry's heroin dealer was a seven-foot-tall woman named Helga. He's like, Oh, God.

Thank God. There she is.
She was known for her dark lipstick and fishnets. And I just like 13-year-old me is like, Yeah, brother.
Fishnets, a typo negative shirt.

You're like, a tall glass of water, A typo negative shirt.

All right. Let's go.
There you go. I will say.
I'm just glad that you're at least doing Rob. It gives a nice, at least there's one voice that isn't mine in there.
Yeah, yeah.

Although it would be funny to watch you struggle through it. Now I'm doing Rob.
Okay,

good.

There it is. Yeah.

Yeah,

that's right. What did I say?

Is that your Wendigoon impersonation? What would you do?

What would you you do if you did my voice? What would I do if I...

You're kind of up in this register a little bit, and you have a little bit of a southern twang to it. So sometimes you're kind of up here, is what I hear.
It's pretty good.

Hello, gentlemen. I'm here to talk to you about a story.

It's like I'm talking to me.

Hearing it now, I'm like, that is the worst impression I think I've ever heard. I think that's pretty good.

We'll see what they have to say about it. My commune with the heavens has ended, and I'm returned to the cold, unforgiving earth.
It doesn't welcome me back.

I hit the slope. Man, she must have been falling for a while, huh? Yeah, I mean, if she like had lifetime, I'm gonna guess.

Yeah, I'm gonna guess she lives because the dead deer break her fall.

But she's gotta like...

Yeah, she's gotta break a bone or something. At least, right?

Yeah. I hit the slope.
Yeah, she's gotta break a bone or something, I think.

Definitely. Is that me? Break arm.
Is that what you're doing? Is that me? Is that my voice? Yeah, that's your. That's what you're doing.
Cut that. Cut that out.

Hey. Yeah, probably not that arm.
Let's put that.

Hey, no.

I don't like the direction. It's funny when we're making fun of the British people.
Cut that out.

Just like a bit. You smell like lavender.
Let me touch you. I want to caress your cheeks and pinch your cheek just like my grandson.
He died in a drowning accident when he was seven years old.

Why did you say drowning accident just then? Been drowned. Been drowned.
Okay, all right, all right, all right.

I forgot that was the title of the story because

that's the title of the deal, Ben Drowning. I forgot that was the title of this story because this story does go to a drowning being related.

And I was like, there is no way you just pulled that out of the air. You had such a fucking Poindexter point there.
You're just like.

How did you know that?

Actually,

how did you know that that was gonna happen? Like, the title says been drowned.

Oh,

okay.

He flashed a crooked smile at me and asked what I was looking for. And immediately, I noticed that he must be blind in one of his eyes.
Imagine finding that. What, just seeing that?

You're just like, oh, we moved into our new home. You open the closet and that's there, that painting.

If I saw that in my house randomly, I'd be like, oh, I guess Hunter came by. No.

First, you would

100%

like that in my house. First off, one, I would say, that

the painting is just too good. Like, I couldn't paint that good.
So I would say, you, you, you need to run.

You'd call me and be like, you call me and be like, you'd be like, did you just pull a practical joke on me? Also, I'm getting really good at your voice.

Every time you do an impression of me, it's a different part of the country. It's either like Kansas.

See, I think honestly,

I've started to really, really own it in, though. And I am very excited on it.

Are you pulling a practical joke on me? You're always kind of a gear. Is that what I am like? I got

a draw. Is that what that sounds like to you? Yeah.
Every time, you all are giving me the craziest gifts.

Am I just a stupid, like,

dairy farmer? No.

I'm just like,

I'm like a dairy farmer from the 40s. What the heck is that? What the heck is that?

If I'm going to wake up, if I wake up one day and there's a Meat Canyon cartoon and I'm in it and I'm like, oh, what is this all about?

Someone's going to break into your house and they're going to be like torturing you. Like, are you guys serious? Did you leave your shoes on? You're tracking mud all through the house.

Is what it'll mean.

I said, you're making me.

Are you serious? It wasn't a bad life, but I can certainly see how it made me into the introverted person I am today. I took comfort in books and I experienced the world through them.

Go ahead. I heard that last.

This is fun. It is fun.
I'm just actually picturing you like

just young now.

If you want to.

I took comfort in books. Now that you have to do my exit on top of that.
Yeah.

I'm

so good at it. I experienced the world through them.

I hate that voice so much.

It's just like never-ending story.

Where's Falcor at? Oh my god.

I can't describe what it sounds like, but it makes me mad. I know, I know.
I'm sorry. It's such a cartoonish version of your voice.

It's not that we think there's going to be something great beyond the passage. We just like the idea of being the first humans on the face of the planet to set foot in a virgin part of the cave.

Although, if we found a hidden treasure, that would be fine with us. You got to throw the hidden treasure stuff in there, right? Of course.

I feel like that's what that has to be a thing that people don't care about. When you were younger, when you used to play around, did you hope that you would stumble

upon some kind of money? Like gold or something. You know what I mean? Yeah, you come across a chest.
I feel like that

has to be lost in these younger generations, dude. Yeah, the kids don't know kids with their TikToks and their ice creams looking for pirate treasure anymore.

No, they don't look for pirate treasure anymore. They're just too worried about TikTok dancing and changing sexualities.
I'll tell you what, Obama's America took the treasure maps away from us.

They took the treasure maps away. They took the treasure maps away and made people want to be dogs.

What has this country come to? If only McCain would have won the election.

Back when I was a kid, you go out with your buddies and then Jerry gets bit by a copperhead and he died out in the woods like a man. Yeah, back then.
Now what?

You get hooked up on dialysis and live for 40 years. Yeah, exactly.

You get bit by a copperhead or you and your buddies do some things that you keep some secrets to your grave.

You and your buddies go out there, you find your dad's moonshine bottle, and you make some mistakes.

Like good Christians.

You don't tell nobody except your assistant pastor, then you don't go to that church no more. Well, we call it mistakes, but really they're happy accidents.

There's some happy accidents. That's what I tried to tell the assistant preacher.
He got me out of that church. As a matter of fact, he threatened to register me with the state of Illinois.

So that's why I told the family we were moving to

out of Detroit because you know, the business was gone in the region, that's why we're down here now, right? But I look, I'm just saying that that is the kind of heart no one wants to work anymore.

Okay, so that's why that's where this country's brought this to. Sometimes the cucumber tastes better pickled.

So, how

my head's like, what does that even mean? And the other half of my head's like, just don't think about it too hard.

All I'm saying, all I'm saying is that if it wasn't for, if it wasn't for the liberals running this country, we would have real men

built on work like that. That's all I'm saying.
This is a random thought I'm having. And this is just completely random.

How many people do you think when they were paling around with their buddies,

just walk around a crick? You know, you're like, oh, is that a I think I see a coin. How many times do you think somebody just murdered their friend just out in the

just out by the creek? I mean,

I don't think it was that many, but over a coin?

No, no, no, not for a coin. I'm just saying like

undiagnosed rage or something. Oh, you're saying how many like murders never got reported? Sure.
Yeah, but sure, specifically with like boys just being boys and hanging out. Right?

I mean, I'm I'm sure that kind of thing happened. I mean, there are plenty of stories of like, I mean, look at the number of missing kids back in like the you know 1920s on, right?

It's like, okay, not all of those are actually missing, you know, right? Right.

Like a few of them had to be like, oh, did Johnny, you want to go want to go on that rope swing today? And uh, Bob never comes home. So kind of scary to think about, huh?

I mean, yeah,

there's

oh, yeah, I mean,

Yeah, it's horrible. Yeah,

makes you think, huh? Hunter, is there something you want to tell us?

No. Yeah,

anything that happened to you, Hunter? I like how when I don't do the bit the way you want it, like you do the bit yourself and pretend to be me on the other side.

Is there something you want to tell us about, Hunter? No.

Well, in a way, I'm wondering, you know, did he even put out that the funeral was going to happen? Is he just embarrassed? Is he just mad that he's like, oh, I look stupid now? Like, I don't know.

Man,

that is a lot of heavy things that I'm sure Sam cannot unpack.

Yeah,

especially for a 16-year-old who works in a sandwich shop. Yeah, so they say Mayo is the sauce of the aristocrat.

Poor kid. He's like, the guy's just like, what? All right.
Well, he claps his hands. I'll talk to you later, Mr.
DeSan.

And Cal's like, what was that? He's like, I just want to give him something to thank on.

Don't worry, he's totally bought.

That's what Sam would say, everything's perfect. Gets him every time.
Yeah. Okay, hold on.
Not to jump the gun. I'm drawing a connection between this and the pool float in my head.

Right? Anyway,

there's a fun.

You want to explain how? Well,

a pool float is a is truly the balloon of the water, right?

So

so

there's a full float.

That is intuitive.

Wait, hold on. Pool floats are like balloons that sit on water.

Okay.

Write it down. Write it down.
Get your notebook out. Jot that down.
Jot that down.

So the idea is that strangers send in pick. Like he said, people were sending pictures of landmarks and stuff.
So it's people like, oh, well, I'm from here. This is what it's like.

I would

hate to see what some of these pictures were.

I have a feeling that this is a disaster project, is what this is coming to be. Look, like I said, it was the 90s.
That wasn't on the 90s. It was the 90s.

No one really, kids were just flying into vans left and right.

That's how it felt. So I thought, I have a very, this is here's a picture of my van.

I'm going to pick you up from school on Thursday.

Oh, yay. I've got lots of candy.

I have lots of candy.

I've got balloon floats. I've got shark floats.

It's a balloon for the water.

They say floats are the balloons of the sea.

They say that

isn't a storm.

Is that the balloons? What's that thing I said during Varasco? Oh, mayonnaise. It's the sauce of the aristocrat.

That's what this dude writes back to the kid. The kid's like, what?

What is it?

Okay.

Do you know the word creature was banned for a while from R/slash two-sentence horror stories? Really?

Because every, yes, because everyone was using the word creature in every story that became a meme.

They would just write, they'd write two-sentence stories that are like, I felt a weird presence in my house. It was then that I saw the creature.

It was then that I saw a creature.

It was then I saw the creature. People, it became a joke to go on two-sentence horror and just like make something dumb with the word creature in it.

Like, I almost felt like Christmas, except I've got no eggnog. Thankfully, I can just milk some more from the creature.

The family enjoys their milk at the table. Little do they know it was harvested from my creature.

The majority of them are literally just milking some kind of creature. Hey, chef, I called into the kitchen.
My meal began being produced by a creature.

Hey, chef. Yes, chef.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, you get, you get the idea.
People just. Let's keep reading.

We're almost done with this. We'll get you through it.
Well, yeah, I want to get you done with this fucking Eilish Jack bullshit.

Real quick, I need to read a couple more of these two-sentence horror stories that I saw while I was searching it.

I just, I need to just put this out.

They said the library was safe and nothing was here. I think about how that was a lie as I sit here, bleeding out from my missing arm.

Can you imagine a full two-hour podcast with two sentence horrors? Just me and you doing this for two hours. Oh, God, that would be hell.

No! As I

damn! No!

No more! As I fell on my bed, please. Can we just read the pancake family?

I decided to go on a tour of the IKEA factory. Little did I know that I would find the creature that lays the Ikea meatballs.

Jesus.

All right, Don Stefan worked the pancake family. We're good.
We're getting one more. Give me one more.

You read it to them. I'm going to go grab a Baja Blast.
No.

I'm going. I'm getting a Baja Blast.
Like, Hunter is so privileged. This guy, he hears Isla's jacket.
He's like, wow, I can't believe that physically hurt me. It's the worst thing I ever heard.

He wasn't in the trenches when I was. I think he didn't grow up.

Did he drive to Taco Bell to get a Baja Blast? Is that what he was doing?

And if there's still two seeds of tour being read, I quit. Come on in.
Have a seat, said the dentist who invented the electric chair

who invented the electric

all right r slash no sleep and this is uploaded eight years ago by a a peterson the dollar said

four stamps oh

oh no one of one of their customers was the was the guy oh no

oh i feel dirty oh i'm sorry everyone if that's where this is snow cone this is gonna be a supernatural Look, look, I'm banking on it. This is gonna be supernatural.
It's not gonna go there.

Yeah, it's not really the supernatural. I shouldn't have sold that snow cone to that ghost.

One snow cone, please.

Babe, watch out. It's like a

snow cone.

Yeah, exactly. It won't be about a child predator, because it'll be about that, for sure.

Shouldn't have sold a snow coat to that ghost.

It was really weird and just totally out of character for her, like I said, but I also found it kind of funny that she was being more playful and a little less serious.

I shouted that I loved her and called her a weirdo. As I shut the door behind me, I heard her laughing.
Oh, I don't like that. Even from him, I don't.

That whole interaction was,

I love you, you fucking freak.

Behind the door.

Like, what can you get? I bet dinner parties at their house are unbearable. Hey, we're throwing on the football game tomorrow night.
I'm like, no, no, I'm good. Hey, babe.
Hey, you freak.

I'm in my attic. They just got a touchdown.
She makes the best pork roast, doesn't she, guys? It's like she's like hanging from the ceiling like a spider. Yeah, she's like scampering across the walls.

Isn't her guacamole delicious? Oh, man, it's delightful. She's like, she's like, you just hear Ladden coming from.
She's not speaking it, but there's Laddin coming from her.

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And now, a word from Hunter: the nagging feeling that the day ahead will be one of bitter and immediate consequences. I mean, yeah, she's got to walk back and be like, oh, Clyde's dead, by the way.

Yeah, Clyde, Clive killed himself. Sorry,

and I also was was there and facilitated it. So that's me, President.
But I heard his life story, and it was beautiful. But don't worry, he wanted it to happen.

He was very.

As he was disintegrating, he just kept chanting Pog over and over again. It was very.

It was very, very cool. And then finally, as he drew his last breath, he just said, baste.
And then he immediately disintegrated into fine ash.

Pog! Pog!

She's writing in her notes as he's disintegrating. Chad, is this real?

Yeah,

this is real.

Is this real, Chad? Is this real, Chad? I don't know.

I can't believe what I'm saying, Chad. Is this real? Have you seen the.
Oh!

I was about to ask. Oh my gosh, I was about to ask if you've seen the animation of XQC.

Yeah.

Yeah, I've seen it.

Oh my gosh.

Oh my gosh. I'm so stupid.
For those that don't know, I was just about to ask Hunter if he's seen Hunter's animation.

Yeah, I've seen it a couple times. That meme comes from.
Oh my gosh. Alright.
Oh, Chad. Chat, I can't believe it's real.

Oh, my God.

Wow,

wow.

I forget that you're important. Okay.

Anyway, I had seen texts on her phone while while she slept one night and confirmed my suspicions. My life had degraded to shit and I had to run out of options.

Humiliated and ashamed, I decided death was my only option.

I'm imagining that he looks over at his wife's phone and there's just like a nude pic and he's like, oh my God, he's been getting, she's been getting nude pics from other men.

You like look over and it's just a guy doing a goat brain.

A goat brain?

Yeah, it's where you shove your balls to the back of your legs and have to peek out the back of your thighs.

Just his asshole and the goat brain sitting there. That's the nude that's why this game.

Oh, my suspicions are true.

My investigation has turned out.

Inspector Gadget finds out that his wife is cheating on him. Go, go, Gadget, broken heart.

That's a funny visual.

You have like a Sherlock Holmes type inspector, like 19th century and it's just like the giant magnifying glass on the on the on an ice phone screen it's just a guy doing a goat brain and spreading his axle open

it's like the most vulgar form imaginable just disgusting that he's like yes yes very wife

i think me wife may be cheating on i

it's like

he's getting pictures of his wife just like in the most unholy positions just absolutely just awful. And he's like, what could all this mean?

Well, I better sleep on it.

This case is nearly cracked, but the clues. Yeah.

Well, the clues keep stacking.

tons and tons of those kinds of pictures just being she's like holding it in front of his face and just swiping so she's just like going through the gallery on her phone

I feel like she's trying to tell me something. She's like, this is why I'm leaving you.
And he's standing there in like the full like tweed stitched overcoat with the hat and like the pie.

Sweating profusely underneath the duvet.

A little ways away from the shed, I found this in the middle of a clearing. What is this?

And we have a little Easter bunny looking thing. That's like, I mean, at one point it was an Easter bunny.
Now it's like vines grown over it.

It looks decayed and like paint chipped and stuff like that. But at one point it was like a little cute bunny decoration.
Yeah, like almost like a yard numb. Oh, looking thing.
Oh, my.

My wife opened the door. Oh.

You want to come say hi to everyone after that heart attack? It was going to be in the episode.

Oh, it's just Hunter I'm talking to now. Oh my gosh.
Oh, say hi, Hunter.

Hello, that was very, very funny.

All right, sorry about that. Anyway, gosh, it sent me because she, I didn't hear anything.
Then she throws the door open like it's time.

Gosh.

Yeah, Easter bunny. Then it says, I must have gotten turned around because I was walking for what seemed like ages.

Gosh, someone turned on a vacuum cleaner in the house and it scared me to death. Oh my gosh.
Gosh.

You need to figure out your house to change. I do.
I need to do these raises. I need to get get my house in order.
Well, someone got right outside my door and turned it on, so all I heard was

gosh. I'm just gonna, I'm gonna find, I'm gonna buy a shed and I'm gonna sit out there.
No one can bother me. There you go.
That'll make me feel better.

Yeah, like they can't actually read its body language because it has just like a giant mask on. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

Now, I will say the image.

Oh my gosh.

Here we go, dude. Every I love it.
Every episode. Shut up.

He already.

I wasn't thinking about it. I'm busy.

I am working, honey.

Every time.

It's Mr. Bear, run!

Shut up. I can't work under these conditions.
Okay.

I'm freaking out. I'm freaking out right now.
Not outside like room five, but actually outside.

My eyes stung. I wanted to cry.
Hold on.

Kayla?

I promise you, I heard it was, it was plain as day. It was like, it was like knock, knock, knock, like steps.
Oh my gosh, hold on. I just, I just saw it under the door.
I think it's my dog.

It's not my dog. It's something with a wet nose.
Benny, is that you?

Yes.

What do I expect the dog?

I was like, what the hell? He's going to to talk about yes, don't worry, I say, it's just me. Shut up.
Hold on. I'm going to open the door.
Well, chat, this is where Wendigen dies.

It was my dog head-butting the door.

You want to sit here for creep cast for a minute?

This is all your fault, stupid. All right.

Okay.

Well, yeah, because

it's such a crazy and empowering, like, such a powerful

word.

Dude,

don't you start.

As soon as we start about what

you do not do this to me right now. He's got his ears pinned back.
Kayla? Oh, thank God. That's her.

Yes, it's her.

All right. Oh, you want to show you want to show the audience your star pillow?

Oh, Hunter can't see.

That's a very cute star pillow. It's adorable.
For a second, I thought someone was lying on the floor at her edge of the bed talking back to her. Ugh.

Bro, I'm like,

I'm just I'm just I'm just tweaking a little bit. It's okay.
I swear I keep seeing my door the dogs are locked up. It's not the dogs this time.
There's like it's just the way the door shuts.

There's a shadow directly in front of the door

and I don't shut up. Shut up with your whatever you are.
No, just stop talking.

Quit. Let me stop.

You are you're you're a loser. You're a little punk.
That's what you are.

We live in NorCal in a really woodsy town.

So when you look at our bedroom window, there are tons of trees across the street.

The reason I keep pausing is I keep looking at my door. It moves in my mind.

It was very dark, but I'm fairly certain I saw a man walking behind the first line of trees.

He was too far away to be the one grumbling, but it is very unusual to see anyone over there at this time of night. In fact, I've never seen anyone there at night ever.

Okay,

I'm moving the screen over to the right monitor so I can just keep it in my periphery. I'll have that.

All right.

I'm going to call my wife and be like, do not open this door. I would definitely send a text.
It might give you a heart attack. Can I, you want to know something really funny?

Caitlin just messaged me and said,

The two, can you send me the two cynics horror story about the IKEA meatballs? I can't find it.

Oh, that's great.

Hold on.

Where's Kayla? Where's Kayla? Where's Kayla? Where's Kayla? Okay.

Hold on, I'll just leave it on. Hello.
Hello.

You're on the podcast right now. You're on speaker.
Okay.

Okay.

I'm just reading a story with Hunter right now, and I'm so scared I'm going to cry. So can you please, when you get home, not open the office door?

Okay.

Okay, because I'm so scared that like I'm shaking and I've goosebumps and I've I've talked about you opening the door for two hours. If you open it, I will probably pee my pants.
Okay.

Okay. So please don't or text me and be like, I will open it now or something.
Just I'm just so scared.

Okay, well, I'm going to the store, so it's going to be like another hour. Okay, just please text me before something happens.

Okay, okay, I love you.

Love you, love you. Bye.

Bye.

All right, we're good. We're good.
We're locked in. All right, nobody knows who made it, what its purpose is, or why it's on the side of the tree facing into the woods

rather than the side facing the house. I found all the supplies to make another one,

Kayla.

Don't do this to me.

I had the headphones on and I felt the whole house rumble at once, which normally means someone shuts the door.

Okay, the GPS says she's here.

Okay, whatever.

Ma'am, somebody just came in. No, ma'am, stay, ma'am, ma'am, stay as quiet as you can.
Don't make a sound. Mommy.

Mommy.

He came inside.

Dude, there was no way for me to do that.

Oh, you were doing so good.

You were doing so good. You were killing me.
I tried. Oh, that was great.
Oh, fuck.

That screaming about

his legs worked or whatever. You were nailing it.
My last guess was that it was a mummy, but in the end, Josh kept insisting that it was a robot because of the sounds that we heard. What?

Yeah, what?

Destroy all humans. Like,

literally sitting there. He's so funny.
He's like, he's like, I bet it's a mummy. And then just in the bush, it's just like,

it's just like, I want to kill all human beings. I want to kill all human beings.
Like, he's like, no, seriously, it's a robot. He's like, I bet you it's a vampire.
I'm a robot. I'm a robot.

What? What? Do you have a voice modulator just ready to go?

It's my mixer. It's very convenient and tight.
Oh, that's great. That's fantastic.
Yeah. Why haven't we been doing this the whole time? You do this quotes.

Yeah, I don't know.

I had the strange, fleeting impression that the doors were standing like silent granite monoliths erected by some ancient forgotten civilization for some unfathomable guardian purpose.

That's in it sounds like something you or I would say midway through.

Very, very

creepy comment. Yeah.
And here's a classic creepcast for people's fucking bingo cards. I see.
That's very Lovecraftian of him to say.

You think I don't say that?

Especially

this being,

in my mind's eye, a very Lovecraftian thing for him to say.

Dad's upset.

i'm glad i'm glad you don't have like strong feelings about it or anything wait let's go ahead and knock the rest of them out okay man if kyle from baraska was here oh man he'd be having such a great time yeah kyle from barosca be like uh kyle from barosca be like

uh yo john why are you so why are you acting so weird right now

Yeah, I'm definitely not holding up something to the camera for you to not be able to see. Uh, my wife isn't here to get me, so that one won't work.

Um, I already made a you're gonna want to see this joke. Uh,

it's right behind me, isn't it? Same thing. Something has to fall, so here's a pin, and then you have to make fun of my accent.

You have to make fun of my accent.

I think that's all of them. All right,

we can continue on with this right now.

Oh

my god, hey, let's go.

is going to have the seven months of shit.

Uh-oh.

Jay!

Jay!

Oh, Jay, you stupid son. Oh, fuck!

It's such, it's a guy in a mask, but it gets me every time. I hate it.

Such a basic jump scare and every time I just

chased him down the hallway

that run sequence is so funny that run oh my god look at his arms

you get battle what why did he do this

you can get away from me Batman get away from me jump scare was still good She didn't have to tell me twice. I really liked Mira and I hated seeing her like this.

The front didn't end up being much better. I could hear Mira crying over the store's dated music track.
Her sobs

like bawling her eyes out of the deal.

Guy sitting there like making ham sandwiches. Would you like black olives with that?

Scream crying in the back.

Her sobs went from pain.

Her sobs went from painfully audible

to muffled whispers. Oh my gosh.
Yeah, she's like, ah!

And then it turns on to,

and she's like throwing stuff like you hear stuff breaking.

It's especially weird too when you're a kid, when you're kind of like younger, like if you're 15 or 16, and you are like looking at an adult cry, it's even more awkward.

I don't know why, but it's just something where it's like, you're not supposed to do that. You know what I mean?

So it's like, this is a group, this like adult woman who's just like bawling, and this is like 15-year-old kid who's just like, I'm just here to make pastrami sandwiches.

I have nothing to give.

Like, yeah, you're it's so what he says here: he says, After half an hour, I decided I had to do something. Has Mira told you about her um

appointments?

Uh, no,

well, we've been trying to get pregnant for years, long, painful year,

Long, painful years. I'm sorry, it's not funny, it's not funny.

I'm just afraid of a 12-year-old. I'm sorry.

Long,

painful years.

Okay.

It's just so important for her to have a baby and you know she blames me for our problems.

man he's dumping on a 16 year old this i was gonna say this 16 year old is i mean this is a fucking this is a heavy load this is a lot yeah you know

do you know that my wife in there who's losing her job blames me for infertility do you know she thinks it's my and he's like i just i'm still high i'm ditching score oh yeah well exactly he's like he's like did you know we got uh swiss cheese in we offer swiss cheese now but he's like i want her to be pregnant we've been trying so hard but you know she blames me, right?

You're like, yeah, so I'm going to go ahead and do that. Every day she looks at me like it's me.
Do you know what that's like to look to come home and stuff?

So we actually make our own sourdough bread here. It's like just trying so hard to get the fuck out of this conversation.

And then I have to go to work. I have to provide for this house while she runs this dead-end job.
And then I'm the monster. I come home and it's me.
I'm the devil.

Yeah, so I'm hoping to graduate in two years.

okay do you want pepsi with that or

yeah

um

the old man smiled at me and told me that i could have it for free it used to belong to a kid who was about my age that didn't live here anymore

there was something weird what what

what

What what a we what a weird fucking thing.

What do you mean what the old man smiled at me and told me that I could have it for free that it used to belong to a kid who was about my age that didn't live here anymore. Could like your grandson?

What does that mean? The child is

he said, he opened by saying he went to a weird neighborhood. So I assume he means the neighborhood.

That makes it even worse.

That makes it so much.

An old boy used to come play this game at my basement. Well, it doesn't mean that he's okay.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're doing

the thing?

Did he move? Look, I'm

not going to do that. No, no, no.
He doesn't live here anymore.

I'm sorry about Baraska, okay? I know that you have this knee-jerk reaction whenever kids come into stories now because of all that. I get it.
But

just because you have an old man who's like, oh, well, I came across this cartridge. Yeah, it belonged to some kid who lived around here.
I don't really need it. You can have it.
It is not infeasible.

Kid moves away. Parents' son is going to start giving his stuff away.
Old man buys like a trunk of clothes or whatever.

Who knows what and oh look there's a game cartridge in there i'm gonna laugh i'm gonna laugh so hard isaiah i'm going to rothelcopter as the kids say

the day

that you were like hey i can't record today because someone harvested my organs because you're so

naive

you're gonna let someone come in and cut up all your gutty works and take it yeah sorry i can't uh someone took my spleen is what you're gonna say. And I'm like, what happened? Ah, yeah, I don't know.

This guy was just following me, but it was, it seemed normal.

That's you.

That is such a cryptic message that it used to belong to a kid who was about my age who didn't live here anymore. What is that even? Did he live in the house? The wider is my grand, my, my grand.

Because listen, you can do this in a different way where the guy's like, hey, my grandkid used to play games here, right?

But no, this old creepy fuck is like

and then

the kid doesn't live anymore but if you want it you can have it i don't know i'm an old man

doesn't make any sense dude

go ahead keep reading you

see where no hey i bet the old guy's fine oh i bet the old oh i bet he's a perfectly normal guy he could rationalize it in his mind our our protagonist could rationalize the interaction as just like a weird way to phrase some kid that lived down the street.

The next sentence, he says that he phrased it weirdly, but it's not, it's not the old man going, it's the kid I had in my basement. It's just like, oh, a kid lived around here.

And that's enough nuance that your brain can be like, oh, that's a weird way to say it.

I love that the literal next sentence is, there was something weird about the way the yes, yes, clearly there's something weird about it, but that's not immediately like, I capture children. Okay.

All right. Can I go back to the story?

Yeah, I'm waiting waiting to hear what happens next.

Who are you?

Can you imagine Slenderman giving you galaxy gas? It's galaxy gas. I heard some jokes about it.
Is it just nitrous? Well,

it's nitrous oxide, but it's like a giant, like, you know, those Coleman thermoses? It's like the size of that. Whippets are just like tiny little capsules.
The galaxy gas thing is like flavored.

It's like, mm, banana cream. It's like

destroyed.

Do not.

Here's a PSA. Do not do galaxy gas, guys.
Well, you know how nitrous oxide gets you high? Do you know what the function of it is? I thought it just suffocates part of your brain.

It suffocates your brain. Yeah.
So it kills brain cells

to such a degree that you feel high because your brain is dying. Do you think our show instantly makes you stupid?

Do you think our show is big enough to where somebody has been listening to us read terrible creepypastas and they're getting high on

galaxy gas? yes on uh on pina colada galaxy gas

it tastes like dream sickle just like

tastes like oh tastes like coconut food like falls back as deal

yeah we're just like

just like listen to the left right game he took a left and then a right

yeah some some

Someone's like overdosing on

gas

as the TV's like, I don't know about this, Bristol.

We ought to get you back.

Hold on, come back, come back to the middle.

Someone's overdosing on Galaxy Gas at the part when

the main character of left-right game is talking to their future angel ethereal self would be such a trip. Someone look completely high, and they're just like, oh my fucking draw.

It's like, I'm the future and the past. The guy's like, What the fuck?

Someone's like about to die.

It's a horsehotta galaxy gas container.

Someone's about to die, and we're like, We just have to make it to Winterb. We just

yeah, the ambulance is there, sir. Can you hear me? Winterby,

just go back to Winterb.

I've never seen Alex act the way he does in the following raw footage from Marble Hornets.

What do you think Marble Hornets is about?

Especially where it's like Brian's gonna reflect here later. I uh

it's uh

it sounds like

I'm sorry, I'm just thinking about the overtouch.

Oh,

oh, oh god.

Dude, stop. It smells like horchata in here.
It smells real bad. I met me while on the TV behind him, just Mr.
missed Wells. Don't like it with the

God.

Dude, stop. You're starting to scare me.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

I see the devil.

I see the devil.

Would that be good? What the where did you just whip that out from?

I see God. I see the devil.

You're the voice modulator just gritting ass.

Imagine you're sitting in a room with a guy. You guys are watching Marble Hornets.
You just hear.

You're like, what are you doing? You're like, do you see that?

Do you see that little demon in the corner, or is it just me?

Dude,

Bryce, you're starting to scare me, man.

There's an angel tapping at the door.

There's an angel tapping at the door.

That would scare the shit out of me.

There's an angel tapping at the door.

Just play the video.

Thomas, we need to talk

and not out here.

Can we go inside?

I didn't like how close you were to the mic just in that, like, that was in my brain. I'm right in your ear, Thomas.

Stop. I've read that clear.

I hate. It stinks out in the hallway because I farted.

Oh, God.

She had Taiwanese food for the first time in years. So much.

I hate you so much.

This is so gross. What are you doing? Quit.

I can't stand it anymore. I can't take this show.

Ah, I've read it.

Shut up. Can I read the story? Yeah, go.
Go ahead.

You complained about sidetracking it, and here you are talking about Tywin's. Yeah, no, that was bad.
That was bad. I'll admit it.

That was bad. I know.
Yeah, you're sorry. You complained for five minutes about how I derailed the show.

I'm sorry.

People don't deal with anything relating to that sort of business around here anymore.

That was all a long time ago.

Following her statements, she attempted to be cheerful again, excusing herself to the restroom and wishing us the best on our return trip to New York.

Okay, if this is a Barosca scenario, I didn't do it. Okay,

no, but I'm wondering

I'm wondering if there's maybe some sort of infamous family or something. Also, like she's just like, excuse me, I have to go take a shit.
She's like,

have a good return trip. Because also, one thing I like.
It's children tunnels. Not me.
Children tunnels? Yes, of course.

To the bathroom. Where do I go?

Yeah, now I'm going to go take my regular afternoon poop.

The thing about her, though, commenting, like, oh, you guys are really far away from home is very suspicious.

As soon as you read that, I was like, oh, okay. Uh-oh.
It can be. It certainly can be.
And I had a bit of a tense there, too. But at the same time, I've said that to people.

Like, I've been at a gas pump and seen someone with like a Pennsylvania tag and be like, what brings you down this way? or whatever. It's just a southern thing.
I think you creep. Yeah.

Average Isaiah gas station moment be like,

you know,

I hate when people say, like, oh, like, when I have like my Missouri plates, and I'm like, I had to drive to like uh la when i first graduated college and people would be like oh missouri oh you're very far out and i'd be like why the fuck does it matter to you leave me alone i don't who the fuck are you yeah oh i'm fine good observation conversation good fucking observation dude hey what do you want my social security number next you creep they're trying to talk what's your blood type That's your second question you always ask people.

We had a point. Oh, the whole like talking to people.
I had a conversation with something the other day because someone else had Tennessee tags and he was like, oh, what brings you down this way?

And I'm like, oh, down here, blah, blah. And we started talking about Tennessee and stuff like that.
It's just a night. You can have nice one-minute conversations.

Don't fucking look at my car anymore is what I would say.

Are you HARK? Are you from New York? Because you're acting like a Yankee.

Okay, you know what? Maybe I am. I'd be like, you know what? Why are you looking at my why?

My license plate was that peculiar to you, dude? Leave me alone. I have a feeling a lot of people in chat are going to agree with me.

I think a lot of our commenters are going to be like, yeah i if a guy came up to me he's like oh that's because that's because you're afraid

that's because okay for the one

your wife sure does look pretty

describing two different things you're describing stop that stop doing the accent right now oh no

miss dwellers i will tell mr wells this immediately mr wells back in town now no there is a difference between someone going oh cool what brings you this way and someone going your wife looking real pretty in that truck boy i don't i don't see a delineation i do not see any delineation at all what brings you to town is the same to me as oh you have a pretty set of hands that's the exact same thing to me

Your head would look great on my mantle. You got soft hands, boy.
You know, just rotting.

Well, I'm wondering, too, if the girl that we just talked to, if she smells that way too, because she's just technically rotting

skin and stuff. Even the people walking around smell that way.
Everyone's decomposed.

Or maybe it just smells like bacon. Who knows? If it just smelled like bacon, but you couldn't have any.

Well, I'm not. I'll be honest.
The older I get, the bacon becomes less and less alluring to me, if I'm being completely honest.

And now I will go as far to say that when my, my wife will make bacon for herself for like breakfast sometimes. And I, oh, it almost makes me gag the smell of bacon.

Are you the grinch what the heck you don't like the smell i don't know i honestly don't know i i used to i used to like now i don't know why but like the smell of bacon for some reason it makes me like seriously sick to my stomach i'm like i i can't do it

and i'm gonna sound like a little nancy but i will say don't mind turkey bacon love some nice turkey bacon All right, here's what, here's what needs to happen at some point.

Me and you need to go camping. And I'm just going to...
You need to make bacon. I will throw up on you.

Have you ever, have you ever okay smell sure smelling bacon in an enclosed kitchen is one thing but have you ever been like outside and like smelled bacon like on a

campfire type stuff definitely and you don't like that well it's been a while but i feel like now even i i would i would rather smell the beautiful fresh air and the trees and not the goddamn disgusting pig meat i'm just gonna keep reading okay

how you randomly drop stuff you're like i hate the smell of bacon like not just like favors like you know know, man, sorry that I'm trying to, like, just let you know who I am as a person.

Yeah, but every time you let me know who you are as a person, it makes you less human.

The things you dislike. Then I will stop because if it's going to ruin our relationship as, as

co-host, then I'll just stop telling you about myself. I don't want that because it's great material for the podcast.
Okay.

And more importantly than anything to do with you is the success of this channel. Let's get that.

Well, I mean, I'm glad we're at least in agreeance there. Yeah, at least at least we got our friends.

You keep being strange, but I'm just saying that the things that you have issues with aren't like things people have yes or no's about. It's like core human experiences.

You're like, well, it's just funny, you know, death. Or it's also like, oh, you know what? I hate the smell of food.

Yeah, I didn't say death was funny.

I'm saying that out of nowhere, if a in a story, right? There is a, let's say, I have this deal of like, I went to every day, I'm slightly

convinced you are bug people in a hunter-shaped costume. That's fine.
Actually,

I'm a collection of grasshoppers. Yeah, just inside of human leather is pretty much what I am.

That's all I am.

I'm a grasshopper scarecrow. That's what I am.

I'm fine with that.

Every now and then, when we'll be out to eat or something like that, a hunter will go to eat his food and grasshoppers fall. And he's like, oh, I got to quit doing that.

As he's shuffling them back in really quick.

I picture whenever I got dinner with you and Kayla, I'm like, you guys are like, yeah, I really love this place.

And it's just me stiff, like my eyes and my mouth open and like grasshoppers just like hopping out of it. And you're just talking to me as if it's a normal conversation.
I'm just.

Yeah, just like, oh, man, how do you like the food? And you're like a mannequin over there with grasshoppers pouring out on the table. Yeah, my neck.

My neck falls back and falls off my body. Like bugs are just like protruding everywhere, jumping and going.
You're like, oh, wow, the steak here is unbelievable.

Everyone's screaming in terror and running out of the restaurant.

You have to try the spinach dip, it's insane, which makes it even better. That I'm assuming that you have to.
You had to unbuckle me from the backseat of your car and like jump me into the restaurant.

And then I walk in, like, table for two, please. That's you over my arm.

That's what I'm going to do when you die. I'm going to have like a hunter statue.
I bring places. Like, oh, this is my best best friend.
I love him. Huh? Isn't that right, Hunter? Ha ha.

Remember our podcast? That was a lot of fun. Hey, hey,

especially, we like that, don't we? And the bugs are just like all over the mannequin space. It's like, they're like queuing through it.

It's like, just sounds like, sounds like a bunch of cicadas in the room. Yeah, it's like the loudest noise ever.
Like all of them clicking off of each other and stuff.

If I die tragically, Isaiah, and you don't have some kind of manic episode and carry out like at least some kind of Funko pop around of me. Oh, of course.

I'm going to make podcast episodes with it too, where it's just like sitting there and I'm like, Remember, remember Tommy Taffy? It was pretty wacky, huh?

Verasca.

Hey, Hunter.

I like to think that you actually go so manic that you are having a conversation with it, but people can't hear the other end. So

right?

I've said it in public. Like, hey, what would Kyle from Varasca say? And then I'm quiet for 20 seconds and i'm like

oh hunter classic hunter for sure my wife's left me i live in like a motel room now you also definitely put that funk go pop in a jar i wouldn't

now it's now it's different now the tone was dramatic see what i mean this is what you take something there was

no no no shut up shut up there was you take something you take something that is like funny and normal and you're like you know what would make this so much worse i never want to hear you say the word Baraska again or Tommy Tappy because you do it with real life scenarios.

It's so much worse. I don't know, dude.
I've seen the mason jars you have in your house. I feel like a Funko Pop could fit in there.

All right, anyways, let's keep

going. When I asked her what was wrong, she said she had a dream that she was lost in the woods outside and something was following her.

I cuddled with her until she fell back asleep and eventually I draped it off too.

Can I just say something real quick? Yeah, go ahead.

If I'm being completely honest and this is just i i'm cringing just a little bit i fucking hate when people that the word cuddle cuddled

he keeps talking about he's cuddling the whole time i'm just i had to put it out there i don't know so this goes back to my uh kind of overarching thesis with you that you you just hate fun

is is being intertwined with someone fun can someone can someone in the comments put up a put up a scoreboard right now we've got um

all my big brothers and sisters are going to be the big boys and girls out there are going to get it because my ass, if I if I remotely touch somebody, I get so hot. All right.

Oh, you skinny little fuckers. You're talking about weight.
Oh, you just randomly go, all my big brothers and sisters. I'm like, whoa, what are you talking about?

I'm talking

over your head. I'm talking the sickums.
What was I even talking about? Oh, the things you don't like. Yeah.

You don't like talking to people at gas pumps. You don't like, you don't like cuddling.
What a crime. You don't like, what was another one we brought up?

I mean, there's several somewhat, someone mentioned up.

You, for one, we haven't said that before, but sure, throw that up there. Any guy who does not like

grilled zucchini is an enemy. All right.
What do you talk about? I do, actually. I love grilled zucchini.
It's so good. It's so good.
It is good. It's very good.
But yeah,

guys in the comments, someone give me a list of like all the because I know there's like eight things he said that are completely normal human experiences that he's afraid of.

So someone put that together for me. All right.
Whatever.

Doesn't like cuddling. Anyway, okay.
Her nickname has always been Monkey Toes.

Long story. Gross.

Shut up. Okay.

Yo, what, what, pet names? You don't like pet names? Nah, dude.

No. Someone add that to the list.
Whoever commented the list I asked for earlier, add that to it. Make an additional.

I'm not about to call my bitch Monkey Toes. All right.

Swear. I'm going to call her Angel or pretty face.
Pretty eyes. Angel.
Toots.

I call Kayla stinky all the time. Yeah.

I don't agree with that.

I'm like, oh, look at how stinky doing or something like that.

Okay.

I didn't know how any of this could be happening. It wasn't just that she was asking for help, but that was a big part of it.
It was that my name is Thomas. Oh, that's a fun.
Okay.

That's a fun end to part one. I like that.

Meh.

Shut up. What do you mean, meh? I don't know.
I'm like.

I'm not totally bought in yet, dude.

I hate fun. I don't hate fun.
I don't hate fun. I just, I'm, I feel like it's the, if he feels like he's a part, he's the experiment.
The alpha, a muscular three-foot-tall son of a bitch named Rocco

has been spotted multiple times chewing on people's tires. Has been run over at least twice, but keeps coming back.
I don't trust raccoons.

I've never been a big raccoon guy. I don't even think they're cute.
You know what I mean?

Do you think raccoons are a cute-looking animal?

Okay, whoever has the list going, I'm going to start a list in this room of the stuff that is normal that people like. Add raccoons.
It is not normal for people to like raccoons.

Do you want to associate rabies with raccoons? Hunter, stop. Okay.

Raccoons are my favorite animal in the world. I love them to death.
Raccoons are your favorite animal in the world, bro. Isaiah.
Bro,

growing up in East Tennessee, they would come up on the porch at night and put their little hands out. They'd want marshmallows and stuff.

They're just sweet little

swollen all the time. Shut up.
You've gotten 16 raccoon bites and you have perpetual rabies in your hands. Dude, they would get into the trash.

I always said I was going to get rabies, but I didn't care. They would get

There we go with the accent changing. Now I'm Creole or something, whatever that is.
No, that's Alabama.

Okay.

Look, the raccoons are like these little sweet creatures. They're like little cats, kind of fat.

And then, like, other than getting in your trash every now and then, they'll just hang out near the house. They're cute.
They carry their babies around. They're adorable.
Everyone likes raccoons.

The only time

the only time they bite people's fingers is when people mess with their babies or something like that.

They bite my fingers. Perfectly peaceful.
I love love them. They're cool.
I love raccoons. Someone at one of the live shows, which is as you described them, terrorist,

they have a pet raccoon and they wrote me a letter and then had their raccoon do a little paw print on the bottom of it. It was so cute.

I would have crumbled up and I would have thrown it in their face and said, Get that shit away from me. I bet you would.
You know what? Why don't whoever shows up at the live show?

Why do you want to talk to that guy? You know what? Meet and greet's just for me.

There'll be a better show. Just wait.

I do not blame you. The meet and greet is completely on your shoulders.

Okay, if someone in the comments of this one leaves like the list of stuff Hunter doesn't like, I will, I promise I will write it down somewhere here and we will keep a live tally of things that he is like bad about.

Short list. Short list.
Yeah. Couple things.
Rational

talking to people in public, like speaking to someone at a gas station. That was one.
Rational.

Cuddling. That was one.
Pet names.

Just anything that involves care or love you're just you're just

okay

all right

yeah he quit he quit because he knows i'm right anyway back to the gas station as soon as i walk by you're on the phone you're like oh hey whatever he didn't say anything he's just like bringing his groceries in he gets in he's like picking the groceries up and putting them into the hotel room and she's already grabbing your and helping oh here you go i'd be like get get the away from my well it depends on how many times they interacted with each other they may have in the series

second times

even if even if it was you, I'd be like, why the fuck are you? Like, if you, let's say we, when we go on a tour, right? And we're in the same hotel. If I was walking down, I saw you on the phone.

I was walking by with like some stuff I got at Quick Trip or like at a gas station, right? Some snacks. And then I turn around and you're right behind me helping with my bags.

And I'd be like, Isaiah, fucking, what are you like? Get back up, dude. Back up.
Give me some breathing room. Hey, can I help you? Can I help with these bags in your room? Nah.

Nope. Don't like it.
All right.

Can you pause it real quick?

All right. I am adding to the list helping with.

You're saying that

if you were like coming up and you're in your own zone, right? I'm doing my own thing. You're like, you haven't really, there's no kind of back and forth yet of like, oh, hey, come on in.

And I was just already walking into your room. You wouldn't just be like, well, that's kind of rude.
I don't really want you to just walk in my room.

And then also to have her be like, no, Hunter, because

you are my friend. Okay.
And it's not weird for friends if i sat there to help their friend bring in groceries if i sat there and i if i sat there and i was like what's all these groceries for

what are you doing in here what are you here do you got you can at least give me that one if it was you give me that one if it was you is that what you're saying no no no if it was like if i if me and your relationship was like jay and jessica Which who knows if I met you one time and you just started helping to be like, well, that's a little much.

I can agree with that. Thank you.
But then

you have a third level. You already

thirdest level by saying, like, oh, if I helped you with groceries, it's like, okay, no. No, no, no.
No, because I know

you're my friend. Make sure to delineate that it is, it's not just help with groceries.
It's that

it's, it's, there was no,

there was no dialogue of being like, hey, let me help you with that. Oh, sure, man.
Thank you. So whatever.

I am putting my things down. I'm unlocking my door.
I don't even know you're behind me, right? All of a sudden, Isaiah's behind me.

Give it back shots 4K Slenderman style. And I'm like, hey, whoa, what are you doing back here?

I'm giving you back shots. Is that what you're saying?

That's what you're saying. I don't know.

No, no, no. I'm just saying that's you.

You connect to those dots. That is not what I said.
No, you said you're no, no, no. Okay, I think more importantly, while we're on this topic,

I would like to thank Agnaveli, who in the last episode has begun putting together the comprehensive list of the things Hunter hates.

And I just want to run through them really quickly with you, just so you can confirm or deny. Okay.

Are you there? Yeah.

All right. So, gas station small talk.
Yeah, I don't like it. Nope.
Okay.

Raccoons. Nope.
Correct pronunciation of words, especially anaconda, solemnity, etc. I like that.
You do like that? I like that.

My speech is especially very good.

All right. Especially.

I'm just going to making this list so that

it can be accurate.

Cuddling? No. Yep.

Quote, that son of a bitch at Chick-fil-A.

I like that guy. Okay.
Yeah.

That dude's good. Public displays of affection.
No, no, sir. No, thank you.
Children.

You're telling me with PDA, you ever see somebody sitting by one another and they're like, somebody's like whispering into each other's ear and the guy like kisses the girl's neck and shit.

And you're just like, what the fuck? Like, take that somewhere else, dude. You ever see a guy kiss a girl's neck in public? I'm like, god damn.
I don't know, it's a bit even for me.

I'm like, I don't know why I get so icked out by that, but it does. I'll agree when you get to a level of like private intimacy of public, it's holding hands and stuff.

I don't care. How do you feel about hand holding like cheek kissing? And like, what kissing? You say feet kissing?

Cheek kissing. Yeah, feet kissing.
That's what I meant. The natural progression from holding hands.
I don't know how you fly down there.

Kissing.

Cheek kissing. Cheek kissing.
Kisses someone on the cheek. You know what?

If you're over the age of 50, if you're over 50 years old, cheek kissing is fine to me.

All right, I'm leaving that one up then, the PDA.

Children. Don't care for them.
Okay, children calling parents mommy or daddy. Literal throw up in my mouth right now.
All right. The laughter of children.

Most deafening sound on earth. Others showing happiness.
Okay.

That's below the belt. All the other ones have been very

honest. I like seeing other people happy.
Okay. Okay.
All right.

Jeff Goldblum impressions. Don't need an answer on that one.

Meet and greets.

I'm thrilled. You know what? So the hesitation.

No, no, no.

I want to put out there. I'm thrilled to see the people who were able to get their tickets.
I can't wait to see you. Uh-huh.

The feeling of blankets on cold nights. Oh.

Oh, love them. Pet names.
Despise them.

You know what I really hate? I hate baby.

I don't like that. I also think it's inappropriate for women to call men daddy.

We need to stop that. Bacon.
I don't like bacon. I like turkey bacon.
Can I get half a point for turkey bacon? No, no, you can't.

As long as you have to still like, you have to still like pork bacon and you can prefer turkey bacon, but if you don't. I can't help.
When I was younger, I liked it.

But the older I get, the more the smell makes me gag, dude. Okay, so I'm leaving bacon on there.
Old people.

Waste of space. Get them out.

All right. Disney adults.
Oh. That one's fine.
Probably the worst. That one's understandable.

Pears.

You know what? Canned pears, not bad.

Let's see. It's like I'm like a doctor's visitor.

Taylor Swift. You know what?

I can pop my pussy to some Taylor Swift sometimes.

So yes, I don't mind Taylor, dude.

Root beer. No, terrible.
Root beer and cream soda. Can't stand.

I'm going to add cream soda as well. Go ahead.
Put it on there. Listed, but we're going to put that on there.

Let's see.

Gravy. Don't care for gravy.
That is disappointing. That's actually really good.
You know why? I'll tell you, and it's not good.

What kind of gravy do you guys have in the Midwest? Like a white sausage-based gravy.

Okay, that's good.

We'll do squirrel gravy a lot back home. What? But sausage, gravy is pretty good.
Yeah, squirrel gravy is really good. It's very, very sweet.
God.

It's delicious. Yeah, sorry that I live.

Okay, 17. Let's see.
That's 18.

Settlers of Catan. You see

those little guys carrying those nuts up that tree?

They make the most delicious gravy. All right.

I'm going to go ahead and mark that as a yes as well. Christmas.
I love Christmas. Okay.

Vegetables. I love vegetables.
Chicken pot pie. No.
Can't stand chicken pot pie. Do not like chicken pot pie.
That's a shame.

Should it be squirrel pot pie? Would that be better? How about house cat pot pie there, Isaiah? Should we throw it on any animal?

You know, now I think you're just being kind of racist against

Appalachian folks.

I'm going to skirt over that because that's not

the promise of the conversation.

All right. And

this last one you're going to have to explain to me. me: women touching and fanning their eyes when crying.
That's for a reason. One, I that is such a huge pet peeve of mine.

I was watching this show, the uh, Secret Lives of Mormon wives, and it's like whenever people have, like, when women have like their face fully fucking lit up with makeup, you know what I mean?

And they cry, and to stop for mascara, they'll take like their fingers or they'll take like tissues and put them up near their tear ducts on the deal, they'll do

and they'll look up, they'll look up in the air

and they'll dab it,

And that just drives me fucking insane. Just let the tears fucking flow.
I can't mess up my makeup. It's like, you look like a ghoul already.
All right.

So, with that, that makes exactly 20 things that Hunter hates currently on the list. And it will be sure to continue into future episodes.

I now have a tally going up the house, so don't worry, audience. We will be sure.
But you know what, Isaiah, there was some positive moment. There was some positive movement on things that were

misconceptions. Yeah, a whole three.
Whole three.

The whole show, happiness,

the Holy Trinity. And And Christmas.
The Holy Trinity. Okay, all right.
All right. Well, before you get even more blasphemous, let's get back to halfway through entry 30.

If anyone still fucking cares, there we go.

I frowned a little, unsure what Bonnie means. She smiles back blankly, then resumes the path back to her car.
She's mentioned that place. Yeah.

She smiles back blankly.

A blank smile? That's a horrifying phrase. It'll all be fine once we get to Wintery bay.

Yes.

Perfect wintery bay.

You want to explain on that further? Good night.

Clyde snores. Yeah, she like unzips her tent.
You just hear like

a guy dying of snoring in there, like a giant CPAP machine sound.

They have a CPAP in the car. Yeah, from a generator.

Ah, wintery bay. Here we come

just the weirdest people you've ever met

yeah i know i don't talk much but i'm going to scare the shit out of you immediately

wintery bay

with wintery bay that's that's funny that's a funny phrase to say to people out of context it will be fine when we get to wintery bay and just like

total average

like you're in the line at like a grocery store

you know what i mean They're like, what?

Oh, nothing.

See you there.

I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. Don't even worry, your little head.
Worrying makes it hungry. Oh, you all heard the guy crying in Greek, huh? Yeah, we'll be there ASAP.

Nine-foot-tall monkey. Nine-foot-tall monkey that tickles you until you speak Spanish.

He's looking over at the other ranger like,

I'm gonna go there.

Are both just watching a Rosetta Stone DVD?

We've got to learn to talk to these. Miyamo.
Miyamo-ass gorilla.

Miyamo-ass gorilla.

So, do you want to go to the woods one last time?

I raised my eyebrow at him and smiled.

Yeah,

he said excitedly and jumped up off the couch. Then, embarrassed, he cast his eyes down at the floor.
Yeah, you know, if you want to, that's cool.

Cool, let's go.

This in-person thing, because I'm glad I get to act and be the character. Yeah, I get.

The whole time you were reading, I'm like, don't look at me, don't look at me.

Cool, let's go. Thank you.
When we had gotten a decent way into the trees, Jamie turned around and looked briefly at my face before casting his eyes to the ground. He rubbed the back of his neck.

I've actually, like,

wanted to kiss you all summer. Don't look at me when you do that line read.

It doesn't help that anytime I imagine you as a kid, it's just you, your head now, but on a smaller body.

i was stunned to silence absolutely dumbfounded that jamie had found the guts to say anything like this i knew i needed to fill the awkward silence left in his wake so i did the only thing i could think of i leaned in and kissed him

it was

Dude, why did your lips purse when you said that? He's like leaning over and shit.

I immediately hate the in-person format because

you can do physical bits like right next to me while I'm here. And I don't realize that until...
I've been really wanting to record in person for like

a long time.

I can tell.

That perfect time where it's like youthful ignorance, but also like kind of upbeat, adventurous kind of.

You have enough agency to go do stuff, but still enough stupidity to put yourself in dumb situations.

It's like the innocence of believing that someone, like, if two, if they were 26, you'd be like, Do you have nothing better to do? Yeah, with your time.

But then being 12 years old, I think, really leans into that. How old were you when you had your first kiss?

300. I looked at my wife and I was like.

I looked at my wife. Should we kiss or?

Not to ruin the tension of this moment, but every time I listen to this part,

the thought form sounds like Yonderi Dev.

I'm not really apologizing for anything. You know what I mean? He has the same cadence.
Do anything wrong.

Please.

Hold on. This is important.

The allegations are totally preposterous.

Okay, this is your party. You're a fucking retard sold out.
Go fucking. Okay, well, we shouldn't have that.
I didn't want that. I didn't want that audio.
Maybe let's just go back to the.

Do you hear it? Do you know what I mean?

Did you read my funny DM I sent you?

There's a lot of Jewish propaganda I want to show you.

I didn't imagine you. Oh, yeah, you did.

I've been rolling around in that head of yours.

What's the favorite? Oh, um,

you

are manipulating me in this situation. I'm 16.

I'm like

38 years old.

Okay, I'm glad. I had to share that.
It's been on my mind. I can't.
Okay. If I'm in your home city, I think that you're trying to.

As soon as we hang out together, I'm going to publicly embarrass you as much as possible.

I'm going to walk up to strangers and be like, hi, my friend here wants to know about your day or where you got that purse or something like that. I'm going to do that constantly.

I'm going to say, you know, I'm going to say, I'm like, that's really funny because my friend's been taking Polaroid pictures of you for about three, probably about 30 minutes, and he keeps talking about his basement.

So I don't know what that means. So feel free.
Yeah, no, I want to know stuff. But I just want to know this guy's been taking pictures of you all day.
Check his phone. Check his phone.

Maybe as well say.

Okay. I'm like, oh, my friend here wants to talk to you, you're like, he, he's, he's

god, easy, good God.

God, continue. Let's just continue the story.
No, no, what do you think you were implying with the Polaroid pictures? They were going to murder him. Oh, dude, that's not as bad, debatably.

Okay. All right.

Anyway. I spent most of my life hunting in those woods, so you can imagine my joy when my parents got me a hunting dog.

What was that noise? That was like a growl. No, I didn't.

No, I didn't. I didn't.

You ever have a hunt? You ever have a hunting dog?

Uh, my family did stuff like that. I know, like, the kind of hunting I did as a kid was always like deer hunting or like turkey hunting.
You don't really need a dog for that. We did a lot of dogs.

Hunting dogs. Oh, you did a lot of pheasant hunting? Yeah.
So that, yeah. Pheasant and duck and stuff.

So we had a, like, a catch her basically oh okay and my uh my grandpa did you have did you have one or did you have like several well we had one we had one and then my grandpa who had a stroke he was he would sit in this electric wheelchair

his fucking mouth would be open his eye is blind in one eye

and he fucking shot the dog in the head and that was really traumatizing

like on accident yeah well i would assume so i mean the man i i don't know why he had a gun in his hand i was too young to really process that this was a horrible thing, but no.

Also, sorry, trigger warning, dog death.

A little late for that. Hold on.
You were, were you there? Yeah, I was right next to you. How old were you? I was probably seven.

You were seven years old, sitting next to your beloved hunting dog, and your uncle, your grandfather, uncle, what'd you say? My grandpa. Your grandpa just blew its brains out right next to you.

Yeah, well, not its, I mean, it shot him in the head, yeah.

Did it, okay. Um,

I mean, I'm just letting you know what happened. I was just wondering,

that's a lot.

I mean, it was, it was a traumatic event.

Yeah, I had a hunting dog, but you're like, when I was seven, my grandpa, wait, so did he shoot it on purpose, or did he just have a gun in his

he was just holding a gun in his wheelchair as he was like disabled from a stroke. Okay.
Yeah.

And so it could have, it might as well have been you that got shot, it was just like an accident, could have very easily happened. Let me just tell you that could have happened, it was sad.

I feel like this is gonna just bum everybody out. We should probably just not even include that.

No, you should include it. I think that that is that that has to go in the episode.
That is a legendary hunter confession. Why?

That was just a confession. It just doesn't happen all my life.

The story mentioned a dog, and you're just out of nowhere. Like, I was seven years old.
My grandfather. First off, They said hunting dog.

We've experienced other dogs in the show, and that story has never been relevant, but now it is. Yeah, because the word hunting dog was a flashback for you.
It was like a trigger phrase.

It sent you back. Literally was a trigger phrase.
That's true.

Gosh, that's true.

Do you think, hold on, hold on. Would you, um,

would you just, I don't know, hypothetically say that

maybe that potentially had some effect on your development that led you to where you are now, perhaps, perchance. No, I don't think so.

It definitely, it definitely is as creepy as you going to like find dead bodies or whatever, like you said earlier in like the first episode. Yeah, but I never found one.

You were looking, so it's like it's different. Yeah, I was looking, but that you were just a seven-year-old, like, playing with Legos, like, oh,

then, like, you're like Fido, your best friend, is executed by your grandfather, right? Not my best friend, first off. The dog, I'll be honest, was very mean, was not a fun dog.

So, I'll be honest, no, no tears were really shed. It was scary, it haunted me.
I was scared in the moment, but I can tell. Okay,

that was that was just a lot. Okay, I'm not gonna

pride you about that anymore.

Yeah, I'm not gonna prime to you about that one anymore. That felt kind of rough, uh, but you have to leave it in the episode that's non-negotiable.

So, anyway, Sandy wasn't my property and wasn't treated like he belonged to me. Sandy was a member of the family, my best companion, and my truest friend.

That was until my grandfather shot him in the head.

You too?

Small world.

That was just a big story for me to just like forget about all at once. I apologize.

Okay. I'd been talking with my family about taking Sandy, my honey gear, and some essentials to one of the cabins my grandfather owned in his hate.
Uh-oh, we're introducing a grandfather.

This is actually becoming

to be something horrible.

And a few hours of driving later, we were setting up camp in one of my grandfather's secluded old cabins. Here's where things get screwed up.
Sandy, I'm so, so sorry. This is like an artist.

Is this my life?

What happened to you? Good God.

It's pretty close.

We were going pheasant hunting in Kansas. Yeah, exactly.
We're going

pheasant hunting in southern Missouri. I'm like, Grandpa?

Is that you? Grandpa.

My seven-year-old cousin watched this unfold. He now talks about the grossest, most disturbing things he can online.
He's extremely respected.

Uh-huh. You want me to read the text you sent me earlier?

Which one?

About you going to the bathroom.

What? Why do you have to? Why do you have to shame me? me and such?

Can I not just talk with my friend? Yosa, here's the thing, too. You only responded with okay to it.

Yeah,

what other response do you want me to have to that? I don't know, a conversation. A conversation.

If I wasn't hesitant on Twitter trying to shill for disaster relief efforts for the Appalachian Mountains, I would have tweeted that screenshot.

But what I don't want to happen is some like FEMA workers like, oh, maybe we can get aid. And then they look at my Twitter and they're like, never mind.
It wasn't that bad.

I was just telling you something honest that was happening in my life, dude.

Okay. All right.
I'm just going to keep reading. There were still bigger animals that would have liked to take a bite out of him if there wasn't a lot of food for the winter.

Heard Sandy's bark fade away in the distance and then stop altogether. Oh, that sucks.

Yeah.

R.I.P. Sandy.
You must have ran into Hunter's grandfather. Tragic.

No, no, no. In his mobility scooter out there.
Yeah,

for some reason.

Like the wheel's going.

What kind of, not to get too graphic into it, but what kind of gun was he holding? Because it's more insane if the guy who like can't move half his body has like a 12 gauge. He had a deer rifle.

Come on, man.

So he can't move half his body, but he's in an electric wheelchair with like a full scoped like bolt rifle across his leg. Yeah,

he can't even lift that. Why? Why does he have that? A man has pride.
At least, so that's what I saw. That's what they told him.

I figured tomorrow would be the last day before I'd go into town and see if my father would help me find Sandy.

He was retired, he was a retired grain man, but I was sure if I brought up Sandy's name, he'd be more than willing to help me search for him.

Thankfully,

I'm sorry.

I just,

this is a visual of just a guy,

a half-paralyzed man on a mobility scooter. You know what?

Just stalking through the woods at night, executing any animal he gets across. I'm bringing my mom into this.

You're bringing your mom into this.

What do you mean you're bringing your mom into this? I'm letting you know right now.

Hello?

Mom? Yes.

Isaiah is making fun of Grandpa Ernest and how he shot our dog Roger.

Can you tell him that

it wasn't that big of a deal?

Yeah, it was a huge deal.

I feel like you almost got shot. No, no.

He was fine. Hello.
Hello. Hello.
She can't hear me. She can't hear me.
Hello, Mrs. Hancock.
Can you hear me?

She can't hear you, Isaiah.

I mean, it wasn't. What happened to him after the fact?

Ernest. Hang on one second.

Well, this is not going as planned. Okay, sorry.
I'm at work. What'd you say? What happened to Grandpa Ernest after that?

Oh, we put his ass in a home.

Because he was shot? Because he shot the dog? Yeah,

he's done.

He's done. Yeah, he's done.
How many years did I know he's blind? I mean, this is when I was like seven, but how? Yeah.

Did he die in the nursing home or did you guys at least take him out?

I think we took him out like once, but yeah, he ended up dying there.

Well, this is a tragically sad story. It is sad.
And you know, I just say, don't shoot your animals. Well, I thought it was an accident.
Was it not an accident? No, I don't think so. Oh, my God.
Okay.

Well, this is completely taken away.

You were young. You didn't know.
Okay.

All right. Well, this is backfired completely.
I love you, Bob. I have to go.

Hold on, hold on. Ask if

she's gone. you were to.
But she's gone.

This memory is completely ruined.

I thought it was an accident. It was on purpose.
Don't you been trying to downplay it the whole episode? Your father, your grandfather shot that dog on purpose.

And he got thrown in a home where he died. Oh, my gosh.
That, oh, my gosh. It's not funny.
It's funny how you, like, remembered none of it. And it's way more tragic than you initially such a moment.

Oh, my gosh. I didn't know.

I didn't know.

That could not have gone any.

Editor, you cut that out right now. You cut.
You leave all of that.

You cut that out. Do not leave that in.

If you do not leave that in, I'm quitting the podcast. That is the greatest.
That is the funniest thing that has ever happened on this show. Oh, my gosh.

You going from just a normal event, like, oh, yeah, it was this accident, into like, oh, we were afraid your grandfather would kill you or something.

So, we put him in a home, you know, and he died there. You know, this is a this is a podcast about telling scary stories here.
We're deviating too far from the script here.

We got to just get back to the story. Oh my gosh, that was, yeah, that is staying in the episode.
That is the fun. That is the wildest thing that has ever happened on the show.
Oh, my gosh.

We are going to hear, you are going to hear about Roger until you're dead. I waited hours.
I waited hours standing in the doorway, I believe, is

the next line.

Get me out of this hell, please. No, no, I remember.
Okay, so remember the jokes I was making about like he's out here in the

scooter. It's too real now.

No, no, it is. That is the new villain that is up there with Mr.
Wellers. I am only hearing

it's fucked up because you've planted this seed now, and now in the woods, all I'm hearing is a mobility scooter cracking leaves and cracking branches rolling through the darkness random pop shots going off in the middle of the night and i feel bad for sandy

i'm imagining like he's out here in the woods and you hear me

like the scooter just going through okay

all right

here we go let's get back we're back into the story people came to listen to a scary story. Let's give it to them right now.
Boom. We're back in.

And then I waited until that night, sitting on my porch step, feigning off sleep deprivation to see my dog come back. Sandy did come back, but not for another three days.

Wait, I read, I read all this. Yeah.
Not for another three days. That would fuck me up, dude.
At what point do you, I mean,

what's weird is I feel like in the morning I would go searching, right?

Or would you even, I would probably go that night with a flashlight, walking around trying to find him?

Yeah, yes, yeah.

what are what

why the fuck you giggling okay no all right i love dogs okay i love dogs i cannot be i cannot be beholden

to my family all right i it is it's just you calling your mom to make it better

I thought I needed clarification that it wasn't a big deal. It backfired immediately.
All right? It was a dead. All right.
I shot myself in the foot immediately here. Oh, my gosh.

I could see the reflection of his eyes as green pearls.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'll read you that. I could see the reflection of his eyes as green pearls in the murder.

What?

Come on,

we got to get through this or people are going to get mad at us, dude. I'm telling you, we have to get through this.

when i read reflection my mind filled in his eyes i could see the reflection of the mobility scooter getting closer

the dog wasn't even looking at him dude it was from behind

come on

this story has completely been derailed people are going to be so fucking mad at us i am sorry if there is an audio listener i am so sorry for this fucking horrible.

I'm a horrible person. I'm sorry.
Here we go.

It is not funny that a dog lost his life. I love dogs.
It's just funny that that hunter was witness to all of this and processed none of it until five minutes ago.

Oh, man.

Ah.

Okay.

Just the image of like a guy who's paralyzed but still has a rifle for some reason.

oh okay

it doesn't help that in my head you at seven years old is just you with the exact same head and facial features you have now just on a smaller body like

okay

uh but yeah you know as a level-headed guy as a quick little this is a very quick story interjected with my own trauma so thank you for that and i think that you know i like this story.

It was good, but it is, it has to be one of my all-time favorite recordings because it has brought us to a revelation that I will never let you live down, nor will anyone else in the comments section.

I was fighting for my life while I was reading to not make every single sentence. Like, I looked at my dog, it was strange.
The front half was long, the back half was a mobility scooter.

Exactly. You know, standing on the porch waiting for something to come, I saw the shape of a mobility scooter come out.

I will be having choice, choice words with my mother after this recording is done. Oh, that was so cool.
She has stained our family's character. She has a lifeline to help.
And it was that. Oh,

literally, who wants to be a millionaire lifeline call completely backfiring?

It's not the best. I crawled into his outstretched arms as something loud banged against the wall from my sister's room.
Oh, my God. Okay.

Well, no, that means that like she got thrown right right like he's like he's beating her right yes that's that's what it was he's picking her up and just throwing her against shelves and shit in the room that's when tommy taffy started making every room in the house a wwe ring watch out watch out watch out watch out watch out watch out

just like dive straight into her it's funny if you imagine the dad is like uh randy savage Oh, yeah!

That's the wrong answer, brother.

The mom screaming downstairs is her getting like thrown into the garage door.

Excuse me, Megan.

Did I see you in the bed?

They've completely renovated it to be like a fucking giant stadium down there.

At the end of the story, the kid goes down there and it's like a rope ring. Vince McMahon is down there, and he's like, if you beat Tommy Taffy, you get a contract, kid.

Really fun use of just like dilapidated buildings, too.

Well, it gives the overarching feeling that the operator kind of persists and rot, right? Like, he's on the fringes of you know, society, kind of like the upside-down.

It's, it's, I hate that reference. It's like he's uh,

he's always

in the

if only could I make a deal with God?

I get him to see him. Hey, Hunter, did you see him behind that tree?

There's a tree out there. Do you see Slender Man behind it? It's a tree, Hunter.

Entry five, gang, rise up. Entry five, gang, rise up.
Oh, my God. Have you ever thought about how Slender Man is super inspired by Vecna?

Slender Man has taken a lot from Vecna.

Jay's kind of like Eddie Munson a little bit if you think about it too.

Hello

Isaiah there

I'm I'm here.

a tree, man. There's a tree.
Be careful, buddy. I don't know what you're

most defeated. I'm here.

I'm here. End of part seven.
Okay, hold on. The reason I was laughing at the end, I thought, you remember the C4 she took at the beginning of the story? Yeah.

I thought she was about to blow up Blue Jay. It's what I was laughing about.

You lack imagination.

Exactly.

That's what I thought was happening. She blows up Blue Jay.

I'm still I'm still laughing over the idea of Alice being like you lack imagination boom

you lack imagination

kill kills Blue Jay herself Rob and the Jeep yeah in it just says Finn

you lack imagination

Like

the joker yeah just yeah you want to know how I got these scars Blue Jay Denise do you want to know how I got these scars?

You see, my father was a bit of a drinker.

Which do you prefer? Actually, here's the thing: before we get into it, do you prefer Joaquin Joker or do you prefer Heath Ledger Joker?

They're two different instruments for two different jobs.

Well,

that's not the question.

Which one?

Which one do you like more?

Say it with your chest.

Gosh, they're such different characters. I guess I like

the Ledger one more. Good.
Because I feel like it's more timeless. I really love the Joaquin one, but to be honest.

You don't have to sway me, man.

I prefer Ledger Joker as well. That's all we need to know.

Did you have anything? Joaquin doesn't do anything that a character like Travis from Taxi Driver doesn't do, you know? But I feel like Heath Ledger's Joker is more of a

full flamboyant interpretation of like just chaos wants to wants to crumple the system, whatever it costs. Yeah.

I used to have a

Heath Ledger poster

in my room that said, Why So Serious? written in blood. Yep.
Classic.

So, you know.

Let me just say I don't have a Joaquin poster. So.

I think that speaks volumes. I think that speaks volumes.
Says some things, you know. I don't know.
Anyway,

where are we? What are we doing? Oh, yeah, left, right game. Hello.

Next time you see Blue Jay, she's wearing choker face paint. Yeah, she has a purple trench coat.
Yeah, going through the trees. I'm a part.

Y'all are running the game, and I'm just here to throw a wrench in your place.

Why so serious?

She's dragging Rob by his ankle. He's like, please.
He's like,

been dragged through the woods.

She can't stand the side of me anymore.

And then, uh, and then what the fuck's his name? Who's the British guy in that movie? Michael Caine. Michael Caine's like, some people just want to watch the world burn.

I saw a baby holding an emerald the size of a tangerine.

Some people just want to watch the world boom.

That's exactly what Michael Kane sounds like in those movies. Mashed away.

Mashed away.

There was a jewel fifth down in Panama.

Okay. All right.

All right. Part eight.
Here we go.

I ran to my small bathroom and fixed my hair as best I could. I looked like hell, but she would understand.

Stiggering at my own unbelievable behavior and the mess I'd made of the place. I just want to say, I just want to pause you.
Sorry to interrupt.

The amount of times he's laughed at himself for being a fucking weirdo is actually making my skin crawl. He keeps me like, heh, ha, me.

Hey, jeans.

What am I thinking?

Me. Like, how many times has he done that in the last two days? A lot.

A lot. Am I wrong?

Yeah, it keeps me like, ha,

I'm just a little, I get a little weird sometimes. He's like, okay, so.

You're such a freak. It's funnier to imagine him wearing full like Heath Ledger Joker face paint during all this.

Wow, I'm a character.

You talk to a woman at a party and everything's okay.

You call her 12 times at 2 in the morning and everyone loses their minds. Do you want to help me?

Do you want to help me set up my webcam in between a vending machine?

You place a security camera outside of your building, and everything's fine because it's all part of the plan. It's simple.

You set up one little webcam between the vending machine, staring directly at the weird red-headed girl's front door, and everyone loses their minds.

It's simple.

We kill Amy.

All right, that's funny, John. You do like Heath Ledger.
Thank you.

You want to know how I'm going to unlock this door to let you in?

He already has a pole cue in his hand. Yeah, exactly.

So stupid.

Like she comes over, he's in

chill.

Like, it's just gonna beat her to death when she walks in.

The image of him talking to her through the microphone of the webcam is so insane.

Can you explain why the hair color was wrong and about half of these items are listed as undetermined?

If you think you can do better, go right ahead. God, what is this police department?

She's like the only professional person.

She's like, am I the only person actually doing my job here? He's like, I took my crack at it. If you think you're better, go ahead.
Change it.

I wrote it all in pencil. Erase whatever you want and write whatever you need down.

It's really funny because it's like, hey, you didn't list a cause of death. It's like, it's been a whole two days.
You think we can tell after two days? Who are you?

Exactly. What do I look like? Harry Houditi? Do you think I'm Batman or something? World's greatest detective? No, ma'am.
Come on. How am I supposed to tell?

You think I could tell how somebody died from a body? They got to be alive to tell me that about a binge. Duh.
Toots. And then she's like, um, okay.

Did you.

Why did you say her hair was brewed at? What do you want me to do? Look.

So what? We're going to get this.

I'm colorblind.

First, she wants me to be a magician, figuring out how she died to do it. She wants me to look at the body.

Who are they hiring down at the department these days? Sweetheart,

you're so much prettier when you smile.

Yeah,

he immediately launches into like, has anyone ever told you you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen? Oh my God,

you might be the most beautiful angel I've ever seen. Let me

surprise God that you come down from heaven. I don't mean to be too forward here, but you have an amazing rack.

When I say that,

I don't mean to be too harsh, but it's just a fact. I like to be very subtle, but I would love to make love to you at any point.

I hate to impose this question because I pride myself on my subtlety, but are your nipples tiny or are they the big pancake ones?

Just tell me, I don't know.

He's like taking his clothes off. Yeah.
She's like,

Without everyone's acting so far, I would not surprise me. This medical, this fucking police department sucks.

She's like,

why did you list the hair colors brunette? And he's like naked, rubbing oil on himself. He's like,

yeah, coconut oil is great for the skin, sweetheart. I would like to take you on a date tonight.
What do you say? I'm going to take you to the fanciest restaurant in Viber Ben's called Olive Garden.

Free breadsticks, sweetheart. Do you like bread? She's like, do I like bread? Oh, yeah.
They even put leaves in there. She's like, it's spices.
It's ogano.

No, no, no. Leaves.
Leaves. They put leaves in there.
Then if you get the potato soup, you can dip the bread in the soup. And then it's a whole nother world.

It's a different ballgame.

If you can get potato soup, if you can get cabbage soup from Olive Garden, she's like, are you eating like a Depression era person at a restaurant?

I would like the edge of a loaf of bread and a bowl of your finest cabbage soup. Thank you.

What do you mean they sell pasta here?

What is it? Wet bread? I don't like that.

Disgusting. Yeah, get the fuck out of here.

Leave the case. We're going to Rain Robin.
Yum.

Okay,

where was I? Okay, yeah.

It's, I don't know, a ghost,

a demon, a skinwalker?

What is this? Some kind of creep cast? I've been listening to a lot of creepcasts, and these are just some suggestions that I have.

What are we? Some kind of suicide squad?

Yeah,

maybe that's maybe the entity has a, I don't know, some kind of cave where he goes and impregnates tons of people. I don't know, right? Marcus is like, what the hell are you talking about?

You know, it's funny. I didn't know what you were talking about for a second.
I'm like, cave impregnate.

And then I'm like, oh, wait, I did that. Yeah, that was

me.

A slight tumor grows in the back of your head, and it's just like, Barosca.

Yeah, yeah, it just follows me around. Yeah.
See, now that I was able to pass on the curse to you all, and specifically you, Hunter, I just have pleasant memories of Barosca. What a nice little story.

Psychopath. Yeah, psychopath.
Yeah.

Marcus seemed surprised by that. He pushed the cigarette away from his.
That's kind of funny. Marcus seemed surprised by that.
You mean by him saying a skin walker? Marcus seems surprised.

You have the detectives like, what do you think happened to your sister? And the boy's like, I think a skinwalker caught her.

Hmm. It's like, okay.
Surprising.

Don't know why you thought that, but I was just going to say someone, you know, pretended to be your mom. What are you talking about?

I don't know. It's just probably a guy who broke into your house, but okay.
Yeah, home invasions are pretty common what do you what is a skin walker

you waited until your wife left for work and then you went out to the wood shed and hung yourself you're dead

done dun dum

that's kind of an interesting hook i i remember all this from the story because that's like the whole the whole thing it's famous for online and stuff like that That you, it's like, oh, you're actually dead.

Well, it's as if the story is a depiction of hell, basically. I see.
I see.

How do you like that reveal? How do you like that?

Again, it's a little bit... I'd be more interested to hear your opinion because I went into reading today knowing it was about hell.

How do you feel about it? Someone who thought this was like a saw trap thing?

I don't know.

You don't know? You don't know how you feel about it?

Disappointed, I guess. You feel disappointed in it? You can be honest.
You can talk. It's okay.

I don't know.

I kind of just wanted it to be a weird torture thing you wanted to be a weird torture thing you know it's sad that's not just a weird torture thing this guy's dead yeah that's sad i understand well think of it this way

what is hell if not just one really long weird torture thing right

yeah

so we can we can still do the weird torture stuff buddy and you know we can still get all of that this just opens up the door now for maybe some more supernatural elements to it right

That's what I thought. Okay, so

we can have our red torture thing. We can also have demons and monsters.
And it also means that you can probably get an unrealistic amount of blood and gore.

Maybe they'll bring in another kid and shoot him in the face again. You think?

I think they might.

Okay.

Because now that it's hell, you could realistically shoot as many kids in the face as you want.

That's pretty cool. That's pretty cool, isn't it? You could just infinitely, it could even be the same kid, just over and over brought back to be shot in the face.
Would that make you happy?

It'd be fun. It'd be pretty fun, wouldn't it?

So, you know, maybe, maybe don't count it out yet. See where it goes from here.
See what it does with its new idea.

Okay.

Okay.

All right. I want to make this quick because I'm tired of repeating this fucking thing to you pathetic suicidals.

You get one question before I begin. Okay.
How does that make you feel? Does that perk you up to it any? I'm the orientation. You get one question.
That's how this works, you know.

Does that make you feel anything? Huh? A little bit, maybe getting a little bit of a

unique depiction here. Maybe this won't be your standard pitchfork and, you know, whatnot.
It's like, oh, it's, we have a whole process. There's an orientation.
You can get one question.

I'm imagining this guy, thanks to your stunning voice acting. I'm imagining Danny as like a Walton Goggins type, you know? So that's cool.
You have like a,

like a salesman type as the front door for hell. Isn't that kind of cool? Yeah, I guess.
Yeah, it's pretty cool. Danny spit on the floor, chuckling.

Sure, at some point, but he lost control of it and he put the pigs in charge.

It's the pigs, I asked, unsure I wanted to know the answer. So, how are you feeling now? Huh?

I don't know.

You don't know. Okay.

Okay. It's not heaven or hell.
It is the black farm. And Danny says he lost God lost control when he put the pig in charge.

Optimistically, I'm like, ooh, that's fun. Cause it kind of reminds me of this Hideshi Hino comic.

I think it's just literally called Pig Farm. Staring up at me was an armless man.

He slithered on the floor like a worm. His bald heads.

I'm sorry. That was kind of sick.

I'm sorry, Hunter. I thought you were upset when you found out this was a hell depiction.
Well, I like Armos dudes sitting around the floor like a little worm. Okay.
You just like that?

There's something funny about that to you, about disabled people?

Something creepy.

You know,

between that, between you laughing at people getting hurt, between you laughing at Diego, the guy you've lived with who couldn't speak your language

stuff.

I feel like

I feel like there's something to you about the suffering of others that you should probably think about.

i feel like you are hitting the hammer right on the head yeah hit the hammer on the nail with that one that's my that's my cute uh that's that's that's my cute little quirk though you're you're into right suffering like no no not that i'm into suffering but i it makes me uncomfortable and i giggle oh okay See, that's why

that makes me so happy. That's so cute off by it that you have to laugh.
I think I'm so shocked by it at times that when I see when I hear the idea of a first off

i was the man holding the brick you know and then he uh you know what does he do holding it down he doesn't have arms and he slid in the room like a little like a little worm to me i'd be like if i was there i would it would just uncomfortable think how dirty his belly is think how dirty his belly is

His teeth had been removed and replaced with long screws which jutted from his bleeding gums like a broken rock formation. That's sick.

I'm sorry. I thought you didn't like that.
This was was hell.

It's almost like if the author's creative, you can use hell for some very interesting body horror. I don't know why you're trying to throw me down the river here.

I, I was just, I was a little disappointed. Now I think this is cool.

Like, you know what kind of reminds me of is like the Silent Hill or like some like old PS2 horror game stuff, Silent Hill or fucking like

almost like the suffering too. Because when you use supernatural themes effectively, you can get to some really strange points.

Like, I just want to hear you say you were wrong in your conception about it when you found out.

I don't think you'll admit that.

We'll see if the story goes on.

Of course, if I did want to do it right now, then I would pretend like I've never read the story before, but then it happened. So, don't ever twist me, Hatto.
Don't ever twist me.

Effectively, I imagine your room is completely flooded, and you're just not like on a giant shark floating.

Don't devote,

can't see, Hatto. Bro, wouldn't it be wild?

This would be a great bit if I if I had read the story previously. Because, like, again, Hunter can't see me when we record these things.
What if I just like had a shark floating sitting in my lap?

I would be pissed. And you didn't know

until you watched the episode when it's posted.

I would watch the episode and I would be like, you son of a bitch. That's what I'd say.
I was like,

I fully couldn't trust you if that became the fact.

There's no way. Dude, I got.
Okay, I've got to chat, chat, chat.

You guys got to keep me accountable for this. We have to do something like that in the future.
We got to prank him with some elaborate. Okay, anyway.
Come on. Oh, man.
That's so good. All right.

The episode ended with them playing hide and seek, with the kids hiding in a closet and Mr. Bear counting.

Oh, my lord.

How you feel? Oh, my lord.

Okay, I'm not going to lie. That kind of, I was like,

I got like a, I got a bad taste in my mouth. I felt a little something crawl up my spine there.
You know what

immediately made me think of aesthetically was like the Poughkeepsie tapes.

Yes, yeah, yeah, the Poughkeepsie tapes. It's like the very, the very infamous one where it's like

the guy crawling down the steps in the basement and stuff, all that kind of stuff. Absolutely.
Also, how cryptically vague everything is.

Also, it's like, I, like, recalling these things, it feels like it's like recalling a dream or something. It's just, ugh.

We don't know the intentions yet, you know what I mean? And it makes it so much worse. That's one of the most effective parts about the story to me is that,

like,

it's all relayed through just what the kids saw. So, all of the intentions and things like that, you're kind of left to ponder with yourself, you know.

Yeah, because there's something so menacing about that ending, too, that they were playing hide-and-go-seek, and the kids were hiding in the closet with Mr. Bear counting.

Um, I cannot believe my dad never found this sketchy because he actually took me to the house and what

What

What the f what

what the fuck

What are you what are you saying?

Oh my god

Time time out

time out I'm saying time out please God

My word

What it

I'm trying to wrap my head around that He actually took you to the house. Okay, just keep going.
And then we're almost done with this one. We can actually see.
I'm so curious to see. I will say.

Okay.

My God.

My God.

Talk about. Get this child away from this dad, by the way.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Let's frame it, right? Because we know what's happening. But he said specifically his dad never saw the station, right?

So a six-hour child. He never saw the station, but he is led to believe.
Sorry to cut you off. He is led to believe that he has read.

He has read that thing, right?

As an adult, if I got a letter in the mail from a TV studio, presumably an adult, and it said, dear Elliot, thank you ever so much for writing a letter. I would love to have you in my cellar.

We play games, watch movies, and go fire camping in the middle of the woods. Come to my house.

What?

It's like the dash is like, oh, I don't give a fuck. Where do you need to go? What's the address? All right, right, I'll plug it in.
I don't give a shit. Sure.
Yo, Elliot, get your bag. We're going.

He's like, he wants him out of the house. Yeah, I got TV to watch.
That's why I bought that TV so I could watch my shows.

Unbelievable, dude.

Even if you've never seen it, I'd be like, no.

You want to go to a cellar? We're going to the. It doesn't even say come to the studio.
It says come to my house. He's like, yeah, that seems, that probably makes sense.

That's where Jerry Seinfeld, he films all those episodes in his apartment so that makes sense unbelievable unbelievable dude

okay so I'm gonna run I cannot wait I cannot wait to hear this defense dude okay

hear me out ladies and gentlemen of the jury

the okay the father has not watched the program correct He has just heard his kid like, oh, I watched this show about Mr. Bear and he plays with kids or whatever, right? He thinks that's all it is.

It's a local show, right? Which means it's somewhere around the region. So the kid's like, hey, can I send a letter to this TV show? And dad's like, sure.

So he sends a letter, letter comes back. And yes, while I will admit to the jury that the word

seller is weird and that probably should have raised an eyebrow, he's also heard that the TV show is called Mr. Bear's Cellar.
So say it was like, it was Elmo's Playhouse, right?

If the letter said, I want you to come to my playhouse, that would seem normal. The dad didn't send his child in that direction.
He was there with him.

Like, the dad's like, all right, we'll check it out. And he walks up with

his son, and then the police become involved. Maybe the dad saw something.
Maybe the police were already there. Who knows?

But again, I will have that slight caveat about it. I just want to say that I have to question now if you yourself are Mr.
Bear. Because that's what that defense sounded like

because I want to say that sure he's never seen the show if I would have sat there let's say I've never seen Dragon Ball Z and my kid says oh it's a show about fighting it's they power up sure right

come go to master Roshi's island he says I'm like well that's a weird thing and then it says the next line says come to my house

At what point would I be like, hmm, that's kind of weird. It's shot in a house.
Well, yeah, I guess.

I also think it's being presumptuous that you said that he's like, because with how neglectful he's been so far, I would almost assume this 90s father is just waiting in the car.

All right, I'll be here. Have fun,

get on in there, Hunter. Those are gruesome allegations, and I don't stand for it myself.
All I'm saying is, I don't, yeah, I

believe at some point, and someone will probably pull up this image, I could have sworn that I've seen you with some kind of giant teddy bear mask on, and I just, I don't know, I don't know.

Also, you are rushing to the defense of

this extremely quickly.

I don't know what you're talking about. The defense of what? I just think that he's a game.
Okay, he's looking at Asper is. He just

started out at the time, okay? That's all I'm saying.

All right,

we'll see where this goes, Mr. Bear.
We'll see where it goes.

All right. That's got your new nickname, dude.
I'm not going to call it, I'm not going to, no longer are you win the Gudamayas. You are literally Mr.

mr bear is how i see this also you talked about how you've seen dead bodies in real lives and stuff

mr. bear mr bear okay i know i'm a youtuber but that doesn't mean i'm a pedophile let's get that clear

i know those two often intersect

my line in this

all right That actually,

now that you've just said that, that's probably what it is because Christ's death on the cross is like the ultimate sacrifice for people so maybe the satanists using it here is implying that the death of the children is the ultimate sacrifice for satan for the fallen angel that probably is what it is dropped in my room holy

what'd you say god

did you say something dropped in the room dude a box dropped off my shelf randomly in my room are you kidding me

Yes,

fucking Elgato, a fucking Elgato stream box box dropped from the sec. I don't know how I this is honestly that's fucking me up.
I don't know how it fell off

scared the fuck out of me I will say you saying I n r I is the one explicitly like religious symbol that we've mentioned so far and when we mention it the box falls off your shelf so I want you to keep that in mind hunter that actually that actually I'm not even joking I'm like that actually fucking that scared the shit out of me okay

holy shit go ahead I'm glad and my door is closed like my door is closed

Make fun of my wife opening. Yeah, but at least she's just your wife, dude.
Do I have a goddamn demon in my room right now? I'm freaking out.

Well, I know. I know.
I got...

I got this.

And I got.

And I got this. So I'm going to be alright, regardless of this.
Dude, you saying this and this, and I have no idea what you're referring to is making it even worse, dude. Because

you're not sharing what I could be using to help myself. I got this? Dude, now

I'm at that feeling where it's like I'm really creeped out out and I'm like hearing like little things. I don't like this.

Dude, I wonder if you could... That was a pretty loud drop.
I'm wondering in my recording if you could hear that. That was fucked up.

Shut up, man.

Shut up.

That's my nightmare sound.

So I'm excited to get to experience it for the first time.

Because most of the time, like, don't get me wrong, it's fun to know exactly what's gonna happen and hold the teddy bear up to the camera to terrorize hunter that's great yeah but by the way i how dare you by the way oh yeah the audience never got to see your reaction no nobody got to see that and i want to say that's bullshit i i i had people flooding flooding me on Twitter after the fact and Reddit and everything.

And I want to say that, like, I saw the edit. I saw, like, when I was rewatching the cut and I was like, this son of a bitch.
I was like, the entire time, played me like a fool the entire time.

So I'm going to say, yes, I saw it. It's unbelievable.
My mouth was agape during the edit.

When I first saw the first cut of it, my mouth was wide open. I was like, he trolled me the entire time.
Bro,

when you were like, I think there's a picture of you with a bear.

And it was holding it.

All I could do was grip my teeth and clench my fist in rage. I was just like, you, you bastard,

dude.

you make me look like a fool. The joy I felt in that moment has to be comparable to holding your firstborn.
Like,

wow,

getting one over on me that much was that, was that pivotal? You don't understand how satisfying of a burn it is when you're like, I think you have a teddy bear.

I, I, uh,

it's so good.

As soon as you have your first child, I'm going to go up to it and I'm going to say, we're on the same level, you and I. That's what I'm going to say to him.

I'm going to shake his little hand and be like, you and I are one in the same.

And again, I'm actually, normally I just gaslight you by being like, yeah, sure, Hunter, that sounds cool. We'll see because I know where this is going.

But this time I'm actually like, yeah, could be, but I don't know. I'm glad.
Finally. The sadistic mastermind himself can't play one over on me.
At least, who knows?

You could be lying. I have no idea.

That's right. Go back into your realm of now

as I'm sitting here holding a shower head up to the camera.

You're taking a shower right now.

You re-watch the episode. I'm completely naked.
Just like. Yeah, yeah.

I'm like, I see you're cocking balls. We cannot put this in.
I don't know why you had to stand so far away from your Logitech web camera.

Why was this recorded on an iPhone? What the heck?

Exactly. I'm like, this is unsettling.

Anyway,

you creep me out all the time. So I guess we're even.

That was a weird interaction.

This is what I'm thinking. I'm thinking that this is just a fucking socially weird ass couple, dude.
I've known some people like this.

These are just some weird people. Yeah, like where it's just like a guy's just like, yeah, I mean, my favorite thing to do is play Settlers of Catan and watch the old gargoyle show on Disney XD.

And she likes to crochet and eat pears. You're like, what kind of fucking, what world are you in, dude? Samples are always so hyper-specific.

Did you know someone who plays settlers of Katana, watches dark oil sunsets? Yes. His girlfriend would crochet the whole time, and she'd eat raw pears.
It was so fucking odd.

It was unbelievable. I'm telling you.

Yes, it's, it's, it's, and I'm like, it makes sense to where it's like, then I'm reading this.

I was really hoping she'd laugh. She did.

Oh, you're cute.

Do you come to these movies every time?

I was still reeling from what she said.

Does she really think I'm cute?

Does she really think I'm cute? Does she just mean I was fine?

Does she think I'm attractive?

I suddenly realized that she had asked me a question and my mind grasped for what it was.

Yeah,

I said much too loudly. Yeah, I tried to anyway.
What about you? I come here.

I come every now and then. My boyfriend...
Oh, boo! No!

No!

Man down! Man down! Get him out of there! Aw, shit! Evac, Evac! Evac!

I come here every now and then. My boyfriend didn't like these movies, but we just broke up.
Oh, oh, we're back, we're back. It was over, but we're back.
Let's go.

My boyfriend did. Get a team back on the ground.
We're going for a six.

What was that moan?

I was trying to be casual, but failed.

She doesn't know it, but I count the day that I met her among one of the few moments of true happiness in my life. Well, that's an utterly depressing sentence.
That's creepy as hell. Yeah.

She doesn't know it, but I count that day. It's like, why doesn't she know that? Like, why would you not want to tell your best friend that? Hey, also,

the friend vibe's kind of strange to me. It's like, why is this girl who goes to party and stuff, her quote-unquote best friend is a guy who doesn't see people for weeks on end?

Is she your best friend or is that your perception of her? I don't think it's odd also to tell somebody who your best friend's like, hey, when I met you, I feel like my life is more enriched.

Like, I'd say that to you, Isaiah. I'd say, you know what, ever since I've met you and stuff, I feel like my life has been enriched deeply.
And

it isn't creepy. Yeah,

and Hunter, I would say the same about you until you reinforced the meat sweats thing a few minutes ago. That was a significant downturn.

But up until then, my life has been better since getting to know you. That's why the people on the subreddit might think.
When I was at your house, too, I was like, what is this?

Like, what does this smell like? So I went through your and Kayla's stuff and I was just sniffing stuff around because it's not weird. We're friends, you know,

Isaiah, you're like, What did it smell like?

I didn't know if the call broke out. What did it smell like?

Yeah,

everything

from Kayla's stuff to your stuff all smelled like old spice Fiji.

That is the deodorant that I use.

That is the worst. Why did you have to guess correctly? Why did you have to do that?

Dude, I got the nose of the bloodhound, man. Shut up.
What do I say?

I'm switching deodorant. I'm jolly.

No, keep the deodorant. It's good.
It's good stuff. Shut up, God.

You're like a predator. You're like in the woods.
Nah.

Nah.

I've read. Let me get through this.

Granted, it's a far place to be from your home there in Pennsylvania. What brings you down here? Now, if you wanted to go down to the bog, feel free to peek around there late at night, friend.

I'm just a regular citizen down here. Is that

a pressure to be? Do I have a Creole accent now? Is that what you're doing?

Down y'all, you're gonna go down to the swamp. And I wouldn't say old Mr.
Weller's voice down there, but good luck now, Mr. Pennsylvania man.

Big city man coming on down to this this here swamp you see

big city boy awfully far from his hoidy toy

thinking him coming down to this here swamp you hear see and thinking he can't get by you see but if old mr. Weller sees then oh yeah don't say mr.
Weller's name three times down by the bog. Mr.

Weller

say his name by the bog city boy

yeah but anyways you take care now This is what you sound like.

Oh, are you a universal donor?

Mr. Wellers likes them universal donors, I'm sure.
Oh,

typo negative. Ah, his favorite blood type is.
Mr. Wellers is going to be pleased when he hears.

Mr. Wellers gonna be very excited.
Mr. Wellers.

When Mr. Wellers gets his universal donor blood type from Pennsylvania, see, it's a good season round here, you see.

He runs a plasma, he runs a plasma blood bank.

Yeah, they get down there in the ball. They get down to the swamp and it's just like, oh, I'm Dr.
Wellers. I run a local blood clinic.
Hey, how are you doing?

Yeah, hi. How are you? He's like very normal.

You're like behind an old oak tree. What did I tell you?

He loves you. Nah, nah.

You don't said Mr. Weller's name and he's come for you.

Now you're going to get a glass of orange juice because you donated plastic. He that sows the wind reapeth the whirlwind, boy.
And you've kicked against the pricks one too many times for Mr. Wellers.

Mr. Weller, Laura's gonna go crazy.
And you just

got like a little paw patrol bandage. You're like, no, it wasn't that bad.
It's like, beware, boy, Mr. Wellers.
Yeah, beware of him. No, no.

What are we doing?

We're adding

We're adding Lord to the universe. Mr.
Weller will be. Mr.
Weller is

now the Creepcast Poltergeist.

He is the ghost. He's just a bloodbank guy.
He just worked out.

I imagine he'll get legs. We'll see.
I feel like in the future, as time goes on,

I have a feeling we'll experience Mr. Weller again soon enough.
Okay.

All right. Thank you.
Thank you for that idea, Hunter.

No problem now, child.

Which actually now, is there something that did that URL has to be taken, right?

Username 666. I don't know.
Let's find out. YouTube slash dot com slash 666.

YouTube? Do careful.

Bro, you do it. You do care.
You can type it in.

I'll send you the link. You do it.
You do it.

Yes.

There's a channel called 666

that has 6,000 subs, I imagine, because of the name.

And it just has a playlist

of

two unavailable videos:

Lordy Hard Rock. Oh, wait, oh, wait, don't worry.
One of the videos is poor, poor Sakura.

Here it is, Western man.

Here's your YouTube horror legend. It all leads to this.
It's so funny that that's what

on YouTube. That's just what the 666 handle has come to.

This is what it's come to.

This is

a Barbie girl rendition of

an edited clip of Naruto is

pretty cool.

We probably can't show it because we'll get copyright claimed, but man, this really is the West has fallen.

I couldn't figure out what it was from a distance, so I went closer, trying to be as quiet as I could. When I actually got close enough to see what it was, my mouth literally fell open.

It was eggs-huge eggs, all in a cluster, like a nest.

Oh my god, dude. What are we getting at?

What is happening?

I'm so lost in this girl. Is this gonna be about a giant fucking chicken, dude? What are we doing here?

If this turns into a giant rooster, I am gonna be so pissed.

Because even the giant red,

a speedy chicken cross the road. Oh my god.
How do the chicken cross the road? Is this seriously where we're going, dude?

That's what happened earlier. Why don't you find out?

We're gonna find.

Yeah.

Oh,

they were enormous. It's hard to explain their size, but you can sort of see them in relation to my boot here.
So... What do you mean? It's hard to explain.
I see them. They're giant.

In the previous photo, there's a tree, and they dwarf the tree. It's literally the these eggs are like

what they're bigger than a basketball. Yeah, they're like basketball size, just these big giant white eggs in the middle of the forest.
Yeah. But when they hatch,

they need to feed. Dude, we're going to get into giant alien chickens.

How do you feel about that, giant alien chickens?

I don't know. I mean,

I don't know.

I also am getting a feeling that this is Greg's real mom. I want to say that.

I'm putting that bet down.

Sure.

I think, like I said, it looks like it's like

blood skin draped over a skull, skull, whatever. But it doesn't look like a wriggler nose.
It's arced in a way that looks beakish. You have to be honest with yourself.
Say it.

You're not losing the chicken narrative, are you?

I am refusing until it proves otherwise. We are in giant egg chicken territory.
I don't know. Okay.

All right. So the giant chickens are out there.
I like this one of like the blurred photo of like the bloody skull thing. Oh, it's fun.
It's a really cool thing. I think that's neat.
Yeah.

I will mention that I have seen this character drawn in

so.

You don't need to say that.

Hello, my name is Mitch. I'm here to tell you guys about an experience I had.
I don't know if it was paranormal or whatever stupid words people use to describe.

I don't know, it was paranormal or whatever stupid fucking words people use for supernatural phenomena, like ghosts.

I already love it. I'm ready, dude.
I haven't looked at this story since I was this is, once again, this has got to be some primo,

very edgy, like 13-year-old energy.

Well, when I was 12, I'm like, this is so good. Yeah, this is so good.

I never liked Eilis Jack that much, but I remember it. I remember it being like favored in the same way other stuff was.

Like, Jeff the Killer, the image was out there, so people made a story around it. Same with this.

Don't know if it was paranormal or whatever stupid words people use to describe supernatural phenomena, but after that thing visited me, I believe in that paranormal trash. Now

I believe in that paranormal trash, that fucking gunk beneath my boot. That stupid idiot stuff.
Yeah, it tried to kill me. It tried to eat, it tried to eat me alive.
I actually believe that. Now

I just look the pot.

The comma.

The pot is great.

Edwin liked the idea of me moving in since we had not seen each other for 10 years. So I was excited.
Two.

The grammar is killing me. So I was excited.
Two.

Two.

Wait, they haven't seen each other in 10 years. In 10 years? This actually seriously might be a 54-year-old and a 63-year-old.
It might be. Yeah, how old are these people? My gosh.

I soon fell asleep after I moved in.

The way these are phrases are so funny. I move in, I fall asleep.
I soon fell asleep after I moved in.

It's like, yeah, you mean you went to bed there? Yeah, that's the way you just went to you. You fell asleep in a house.

Like, why? This is

my alien.

After that first week, I heard rustling noises coming from outside at about one in the morning. I thought it was a raccoon.
So I ignored it and tried to fall asleep.

The next morning, I told Edwin about it

and he agreed. These commas.

Hey, hey, Edwin. Yeah.

I think I heard a raccoon. You probably did.
Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

I was like, all right.

Hey, Edwin. Yeah, there was a noise outside.
Okay, I think it was a raccoon. Uh-huh.
Do you agree? Yeah, yeah. I darted up and looked around my room, but I saw nothing.
The next morning,

Edwin dropped his coffee cup when he saw me he held up a nearby mirror and I saw myself I had a large

Edwin had a large dash in my left cheek Edwin takes off a comically large gothic mirror off his wall and holds it up to his brother

it's like bigger than he is like wobbling

You have a large gash in your left cheek. After I was rushed to the hospital, my doctor told me that I must have been sleepwalking, but then he showed me something that made my blood turn cold.

He lifted up my shirt to reveal a sewn-up incision where my kidneys were.

Eilis Jack took his kidneys!

Holy shit!

It took his kidneys! It took his fucking kidneys!

Oh my god, that's awesome. Oh God.

I like how Eilos Jack fucking like took the guy's kidneys, but he's like, here's something for you to remember me with. And cut his cheek for what reason? You already took the guy's kidneys.

He took his kidneys and then cut him on the cheek so that he would have a plot element to be scared of before he then goes to the doctor. How did Mitch not wake up during any of this?

You have a guy cutting this son of a bitch open and Mitch is really like,

me, me, me, me, me, me, me me, but, but, but he heard a drop

on the window, and he was like, oh my god, what? What?

He's like, that's nothing. It's probably just one of those raccoons, right, Edwin? Right.

And he's in the room next door. Right, probably raccoon.
Okay.

But then it's good. Dude, I forgot.
I thought. I hadn't heard this story in so long.
From what I remembered, Eilish Jack just kills you or something, right? I forgot about the kidney part.

That's great. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Read the next line.
i stared into his eyes mine widening you somehow lost your left kidney last night

the doctor told me we don't know how though sorry mitch

oh my god

that makes the doctor to be fair that makes the doctor so suspicious We don't know how, though. Sorry, Mitch.
I don't know what happened. Oh,

you're missing your kidney? Oh, that's weird.

Anyway,

that's so funny.

You're going to want to see that. You're going to want to

probably get that figured out. I fell unconscious and woke up in the hospital.
My doctor, the same one who treated me before, entered the room. I have good news and bad news, Mitch.

The good news is that you had minor injuries and your parents are going to pick you up. The bad news is that your brother has been killed by some thing.

Sorry.

Yes.

Yes.

I've got good news. You're all right.
Bad news. Your brother's dead.
It's just, it's the fucking has been killed by something, so they know what it is. And then, and then he just ends it with, sorry.

Sorry about that.

The idea of the doctor just like he's about to go teleman his brother's dead. And he kicks open the door like, well, it's one of them good news, bad news scenarios.

In the hallway leading to my room,

I saw Edwin's body.

What? Something small lying next to it. What?

Wait, so wait, they just left his dead body in the house?

They just the cops just left

the cops left his body.

I looked at the thing I had picked up and nearly vomited. I was holding my stolen half-eaten kidney.

Yes!

Yes!

With some black substance on it. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

Oh, my gosh. That's so good.
That kills me. Oh, my gosh.
I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to take an even bigger cadaver.
I'm going to put you in a coffin.

I'm going to put the bigger cabin on, or the bigger cadaver on top of you, and I'm going to recreate the pen pal ending. And that's how I'm going to bury you.

Oh,

how would you like that?

Oh,

I hate you. Oh, why would you say that?

You're a terrible person.

I know. You know that ending freaks me out.

That was the worst thing. I'm going to do that forever for you.
Forever for you. Forever.

That was rude. That was mean.
Say you're sorry.

I'm not going to say fucking fuck you. I'm not going to say that.
Say you're sorry. Say you're sorry.
That was mean.

Okay, I'm changing my will that if Hunter does that to me, I'm putting a bomb somewhere in his house.

You have admitted to some crazy shit these past couple episodes.

You're putting a bomb? Good God.

That's more reasonable than what I was talking about last episode.

If you tie me to a random corpse and put me in the ground, yes,

I'm putting a bomb in your house

without hesitation.

Well, I'm going to start learning bomb deactivation then immediately. I didn't know.
Yeah. Well, I'm going to start learning.
What's going on in a roommate okay yeah whatever all right

stumps.avi

five minute long video where a man with no legs is attempting to break dance on a ddr mat and what looks like

i'm sorry hunter is something funny

uh

yeah

is there something you want to uh something you want to bring up

Well,

the structure of that. A five-minute long video where a man with no legs is attempting to break down.
The phrase is the word attempting is pretty funny.

Literally, it's just the word putting attempting in there that makes it very funny and tragic. What's funny about a disability, Hunter? Yeah, nothing.

Let's get some measurements to see exactly

how much he's grown.

Something funny, Hunter.

What's the reading? Your baby just instant transmissioned out of your uterus.

Well, I don't know how I'm supposed to say this, but we've lost your baby. He's like, What? He's like,

Well, I hate to say this, but we seem to have lost your baby.

Wordlessly, the man raised a shotgun, placed it against the boy's forehead, and blew his head off.

I'm sorry, Hunter. Is something funny?

Oh,

God.

I like how the guys just keep...

The kids say,

What a quick altercation. Just blew the child's head off with his

shotgun.

Okay, sorry.

You all get mad at me for picking stories that involve like Tommy Taffy-esque themes or Baraska themes or whatever. Remember, this is what I'm working with, okay? This is what I have to keep happy.

This is like

shovel

adult content into to get something out of. Just remember that.
Let me tell you, that that was just that was unexpected. That was an I expected the child to be more part of the story.

Okay, sorry, go ahead.

That's not good. She was only two months old.

Is something funny, honey?

The baby was swinging in the attic, attached to the ceiling fan at the highest speeds. I just imagine it's like.

woo.

How the deal

is

going so

like, Jesus Christ.

Okay, audience, the reason this is funny is because it's so over the tall.

Also, I like how I like how they show a full picture of the baby, but they're like, we're not going to show its very human eyes.

We can't let people know the whereabouts of this baby.

I've had that baby on the street before. It's a pretty person, but just like the black bar of the eyes.

He showed a full picture of the dad, but we cannot let people know the identity of this baby.

The baby was being flung 50 miles an hour on an industrial fan in the ceiling. How good is that? So good.

Bro, I think my skin is moving.

Like, oh, oh, my heart.

Oh, it's so much too hot. It's so close now, Isaiah.

Oh, what is what? The monster. He's too close now.
He looks too close to us. Tell him to leave.
What monster? What monster?

Are you talking about the monster that got her in the dog kennel? Oh, stop.

What are you talking about? Don't you know I know what you're... I know those big, juicy lips are spread open and showing those big-ass white teeth because you're smiling your ass off.

What are you talking about? Are you talking about my lips? My big, juicy lips. I don't like the word juicy being applied to me in any respect.

Regardless of what you're talking about.

Compliment, juicy.

I don't know about that.

My wife said it. Maybe I take it as well.
My big, juicy lips. I didn't feel like a compliment.

That this, the Day of the Dead thing, is infinitely important. The whole attraction, she's hot thing is window dressing.

The fact that she is there for scanners and then wants to see Day of the Dead, she is going from Cronenberg to Romero. That is a prize.
That is something he needs to get a hold of. Just

advice for me,

my boy, Wendigen bricked up on him.

I refuse to stand at this point in time. The way

when I first met my wife, when we were friends, it was right before Halloween. And she was like, oh, we're having a watch party for all the Michael Myers movies, all the Michael Myers Halloween.

Do you want to come over? And I was like, Oh, you're having it? She's like, Yeah, I love all the old slasher flicks. Like, done.

Here we are. Here we are.
I was like, That was not getting away. Then she was creeped out because you said, You said the magic words.

Ring-a-ding-ding. You said the magic words.
You're saying to them like a Jesse Pinkman voice. Yeah.

I asked again, again, and she replied, There's a man at the door.

Then 10 seconds later,

and a woman at the bottom of the stairs. All right, Hunter, let's roleplay.
You're in this scenario. What's what's what's step one?

First off, I just want to say two minutes is forever. I mean, actually, think about sitting there in silence for two minutes.
120 seconds, absolutely not. Like, do you know how long that'd be?

I think I'd probably, I would probably be very afraid, and and I'd probably be irrational. I'd be like, hey, hey, hey, I'd probably start saying that,

hey,

that's your defense mechanism. Yeah, and then when she turns at me and she's like, there's someone at the stairs, whatever, I'd say, I'd say, right.
I'd kiss her temple.

I'd open the window and I'd crawl the window.

I would chalk up the house as a loss on my taxes. And then

that would be it.

Just immediately dead.

Not even the comprehension of the game.

I am gone.

Shock of the house is a loss.

I'd kiss her on the forehead and I say, Osta La Vista, baby. And I would just open the window and scurry my fat ass out there.

The hey, hey, is really funny. Imagine like something really unsettling happened.
You're like, yo, yo, hey, hey, yo. Hey, hey.
Hey. hey, no, no.

Faye was irritated that I'd done this without her permission and waited outside while Kay sit up. Dude, if my wife was doing this and then she was like, I'm just mad that you got holy water, bro.

I'm, I'm, I am, I am tying her in duct tape and dropping her off at a nuttery. Okay.
You know what's, you know, what's fun about all this, dude?

I'm already across the country.

I've already talked to the accountant.

The house. It's like I said, I've gotten that written off.
I'm already.

What, What wife?

Yeah, exactly. I'm like, I'm gone, all right? I've been gone.
See, people are going to judge me earlier on this story for being a bad person.

Then they're going to read this shit and be like, oh, boy, there's no way in hell. I'm like, I'm not even going to get to that spot.

There's like, what do you mean? Oh, she didn't like the priest? That's weird. I was gone three weeks ago.
Yeah, my ass is

a lot of people. My ass calm out right now.
My fat ass. I'm drinking a peanut colada.

Couldn't be more stressed. I have had the best sleep of my life.

I'm leaving her. She's still on the mountain up there.
The you know, she's dead, but whatever, you know, we live and let live.

When I laid down next to her, she leaned over and with her eyes still closed, said

they're gonna kill you

and then licked my face.

Maui pina colada

wasting away.

You know what my ass will be doing?

People are sitting there. They're like, what are we going to do about my, but our,

you know, my wife, I love her, right? My ass is on a plane. I'm like,

take me down to Coco Mo,

but not too fast.

We'll take it slow.

Aruba, Jamaica. Ooh, I want

Jamaica.

some people

insane.

Totally half past 12.

Just the idea of ditching.

Like biblical levels of running away, like Jonah levels of like trying to get away from.

I'm seriously going to, anytime I watch any of these, like, movies now, horror movies, I'm just going to think about a person listening to fucking the Beach Boys, whatever.

Her mom, Laura, admitted to me that something had happened to Faye as a child at the cabin. What up? What a fucking bitch.
Honestly,

I would be like, you know what? You're going in the same house with her. I called you over this in confidence and you lied to me.

You knew something was happening and you lied to me. You kept this from me.
This is my life and your daughter's life. Sorry, I have to admit something, but something did happen to Faye as a child.

Why did you tell us? Yeah, what the fuck?

I literally called you Jamaica.

He does this for two reasons: to work on his art commissions and to make sure Faye doesn't stab everyone to death and burn the house down in their sleep.

Hey, Hunter, if I just called you and was like, I have to go on,

Yeah, no.

No, because your house would be vacated. I'd be a Maui with a pina colada.

Wasted away, get a margarita.

At the end of the pipe was a simple shower head aimed down towards the ground.

You know? Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah.
Yeah, that's pretty good. You know that feeling when your stomach drops? In this case, I think mine literally did because I vomited.
Oh, that was the story.

What? Oh, no, I'm just listening. Oh, oh, sorry.
I thought you thought I asked. You know, when your stomach drops? Like, like I personally was asking you.
That wasn't part of the story. Oh, yeah.

No, I definitely do. Yeah, I know that feeling.

You're feeling.

Hold on. There's like a three.

There's like a three. Oh, my God.
Yeah. Sorry.
I'm just now realizing. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.

That was too good because I kept reading the words on screen and you're like, yeah, oh yeah. Well,

I was like sitting there and I was like, yeah,

my stomach did drop.

Wow.

Wow, Isaiah, good point. I never thought of that.

Well.

Kind of almost looked like the dad was getting a little freaky with the squid, though, huh?

Yeah, he had to stand up in the air.

you doing to me now?

Oh, son, get inside. Rocky's, he's not feeling well.

Son,

you need to go.

Tell your mom not to come outside. I'm going to be busy with Rocky for a little while.
So go inside and get my jar of molasses and honey. Quick, go.

You're daddy butter.

Avery Jones is assimilated. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh, it impregnated me.

Son, you're gonna be about to have a new brother or sister from your pop here.

Hey, Beren Jones is now pregnant.

I fucking covered this SCP, and it kind of reminds me of that. It was the

flesh that hates, yeah, exactly. 610, I think.
Yeah, the flesh that hates.

That's how autistic I am.

She said, you said it's kind of like a flesh that I'm like, oh, six one zero, the flesh that ate. Clearly.

Yeah, I know that one. Yeah, but sometimes you have relations with a dog and you end up getting a brother.

Come in here, beat your brother.

Sometimes you just gotta, sometimes the dog's acting kind of funky, and you gotta know it in the biblical way if you hear what I'm saying, ball. Peanut butter is in the Bible.

gonna go i'm not gonna go any further than that the next one is called starkill okay i'm just imagining like

never mind i can't

i can't i can't say what i'm thinking

yeah let's go star kill yeah that's good it does look exactly like it says virginia virgin anus

doesn't it look like

virgina anus I think what it is, is it's Virginia nuss.

Because, you know, they name it off of like where it was discovered. Virginia.
Probably. Virginia.
Yeah, Virginius. Right.

This is the stinkiest and worst case of a vagina anus I've ever seen in a deer or dog.

God help us.

Let's go back to the

biblical

stuff. Really tickling myself with that one.

I can see that.

Ray O'Connor?

Is that you? Officer O'Connor. I want to see the guy fucking the dog again.
This is the last known appearance of Officer Sam Page.

I love this. Did you get the butter yet for the dog?

Yeah. Now, here's the thing, Officer Andrew Webster.
You'll get me a pint of honey and a raw stick of butter, and we'll be just fine. Officer, I don't see what the problem is.

If we want to eat animals, then we might as well. Like, he's doing all the twin justification for it.
Oh, my God!

Get on the ground! Okay, well, now I think you're twisting my words.

Did you bring the peanut butter?

I'm looking for peanut butter and olive oil now, sir.

I keep changing up my recipes.

Rocky loves it all kinds of different ways, officer. Oh, gosh, that's so gross.
I know. Okay.

Daddy?

Where's Rocky? Don't worry about it. Don't worry, boy.

Why don't you go ask your mother? All dogs go to heaven. So like I said, this should be in British accent here.
So let's read this first part here in a British. Nice British accent.

Sorry. I've not been in touch, guys.
It's been a busy month. However, I'm pleased to announce that, as of yesterday night, I finally touched down in Phoenix, Arizona.

I'm posting this log from my first American hotel room, which offers a gorgeous view of both the state hospital and a local prison. Auspicious times.

Drop me a line if you're in the city or if you have any information at all.

Okay, so I want you to know that that's a better British accent than I've been doing, but you did sound like either AI or a robot butler.

You know what? If you're in the

I had to align all of my chakras to get that out. Okay.

I think it worked well. It worked very well.
Sad part of me realized that this was the closest thing I'd had to a friend in almost a decade.

I found myself looking forward to the discussions we would have after each meal. I'm laughing.
I'm laughing because, in a sense, you are my parasitic twin that I read to.

What do you mean?

I was just reading that.

And it was like I would read to him. And the part where it's like, sometimes it would talk to me.
Sometimes.

Sometimes I would have to talk about it. This is a creepy ass origin story.

What is it? It's like the same tunner.

That is fucked.

Bro, that would. Yeah, I was a big lipped.
Big-lipped Hawaiian sugar-bearing man. There it is.
There it is. And the twin could control fire and also

was a little punk.

Sometimes I'd have to stop and explain an event to them, but most time they just listened quietly and waited patiently.

That's so

you. Afterwards, we would discuss our feelings on the book.

What we thought was going to happen. It says the Cripcast Origin story.
And the next one's great. A sad part of me realized this was the closest thing I had to a friend.

yeah,

I found myself looking forward to our discussions.

I didn't mean to ruin it, but I think I just did. Oh, well, it's great.

A lot of people have commented on this story being like, I would assume a title like this would be like some weird gay conversion thing or something like that, right? Yeah,

that's what you kind of the trained are expecting it to go down. But I don't know where this story's gonna go, honey.

Where you go,

I just get said baby i wanted your baby mommy want milky i make baby want milk that is a wild accusation

you're right though like it does have the same vibe it's funny that you see like gay conversion cam because it has that kind of fanatic kind of thing where it's like

it's like a passive aggressive sign is what it feels like yeah the eradication of abnormal sexuality it like smacks of the pulpit yeah you know

and also like you have to kind of transport yourself back this is 12 years ago, right? So, oh, yeah, I guess we should have said that. Uh, it this is posted 12 years ago, so it's been a while.

Yes, by user uh, Wreath, by the way, R-E-A-T-H-E. So, for credit, we were going to mention that at the beginning, but well, at the end, I mean, but oh, you did? Oh, okay.
Well,

I don't, it's just that whenever you start talking, my brain just kind of like zones it out and quits paying attention because I don't care. I don't know how to process words, I just a widow baby,

so you have to take yourself to like 12 years ago

But how did they die? I was best to talk about anything else and the story of Mira's uncles interested me the McCasky boys? I don't really know they died on the mountain somewhere.

Oh, well, um have you heard about the skin men?

Samba needs to find a better way to approach people about the skin men. Oh, her uncles are dead? That's weird.
Hey, have you heard of skinned men before? Yeah, exactly.

This guy's like pouring his heart out. He's like, yeah, I mean, you know, it's a lineage thing.
I don't know if our marriage is going to survive it. And he's like, yeah, that's weird.

Have you heard about the skinmen?

And then the guy's like, skinmen? Man, we were joking, but we hit the nail on the head for how absurd.

Oh, God.

I don't think so. What about Baraska? Yeah, Sam just doesn't give a fuck about it.

He's just letting them fly, like, out there in the air.

However, as more time and energy is invested into the development of the platform, they begin to harness more influence on their environment until eventually exhibiting a semi-permanent physical appearance.

We've sought to answer a very important question.

Can thought forms be created in a manner that would benefit American society and help keep American citizens safe? That is so funny to me.

The delivery on that where it's like, so after finding out this earth-shattering information, we asked the question, can this benefit the U.S. government?

It is a pretty good comedic beat. How do we do this? Can we move this benefit to the U.S.
government and can we weaponize it? Pretty much is what they're saying.

How can we thought form an A-10 warthog

to smite our enemies? Can you? Can you thought form a black hog helicopter?

I am currently thought-forming a fleet of comic-cause violence to rain down holy justice on those who have wronged me.

That's the power of thought form. That's the power of thought form.
What about this next part?

Because you said dress portions makes me think you're like, and then they're like, that's when we bring in the Velociraptor.

This section is, it's like, I really want you to think about a dinosaur.

Bring back the dinosaurs from the American.

It's like a five-star general standing next to the chair. Like, I want you to think about a lot of dinosaurs all at once.

once i need you to think about a long neck with a rocket launcher tapped to a spine can you think of that for me mister unit 13 needs you

and also while you're at it if you have the time

can you think about an eight foot tall copy of uh gwyneth paltrow that has

can you think of an

gwyneth paltrow with missile missile titties and she has a big goop candle coming out of her hands.

Her goop candle that says it smells like her vagina. Could you go ahead and do that?

And

she also doesn't understand what love is, and she thinks that romantic interest is the same as motherly interest, and she thinks I'm her son.

You'd be better.

Can you

manifest Gwynnet Paltrow? And to me, she's really skinny, but to everyone else, she's really, really fat.

Also, can she can she have a penis please

thank you just like combining all of her movies into one character

but but also also

um that everyone else doesn't see it so i i don't have to deal with it

i can see her she calls herself pepper potts

Actually, you know what? Scratch that. Robert Downey Jr., eight feet tall.

Huge rat. Kill this guy.
He knows too much. Kill him.

The guy's like, I've been here for three minutes.

All right, he knows too much. Kill him.
Thought forms can also take on appearances that could be considered disturbing, like a creature one might see in a childhood nightmare.

There's no reason to be afraid, however.

All thought forms are docile by nature, and while they may look or behave in a fraudulent manner, although they are capable of making physical contact, they pose no threat to you.

Despite being able to appear as a childhood nightmare and have a physical form and touch you, that it won't. Don't worry.

If you see the shallow how version of Gwyneth Paltrow and the manifestation of a spider, don't worry. Her fat ass can't hurt you.

And if you're going through the hallways and you happen to see an oiled-up Kim Kardashian that's nine feet tall and thinks I'm her dog, ignore it. Go somewhere else.

If you see a floating purple, cancerous cloud of energy that's representative of sadness, don't worry. It can't hurt you.

There's no way. There's no way the human mind can be like, oh, okay.

Imagine seeing that spider out in the woods. You know what? You can't hurt me.

There's no way. There's blood all over the ground, dude.

There's nothing to fear but fear itself.

There's nothing to fear but fear itself.

That's scary,

bro. Why are you giggling?

You're fucking freaking me out, dude. I'm like,

I'm sorry. I'm thinking about the visual of like a general, like a Sam Elliott type, just as the machine's turning on being like, but also I want her to be like 5'6 ⁇ , 5'8.

Not definitely not over 5'8. And maybe also if she could smell like a citronella candle on a Midsummer's evening

and have some freckles, but not too many.

That's right, partner. And if you could.
Did you make her not taller than 5'6 ⁇ ? And I want her to smell like French vanilla coffee made in the coffee creamer. Thank you.

Did you go ahead and do that for me? He's just kidding, like

so hyperspecific. Yeah, he's like,

I think I do it. He's like, buddy, you manifested a six foot three basketball player.
What the hell is going on? Where's your mind at? Are we going to have problems or what?

If you could make her maybe a little bit upset when she comes home from work in the evenings, and that's understandable.

But after a time of comfort, comfort she likes to be held and release her frustrations in a healthy and respectful manner that causes us as two people to grow closer together over time that'd be great

could you go ahead and give her one leg and she's always on a roller skate

I just want to see how fast she can go. I just want to put her on top of a hill and push her down and see what happens.

Could you give her impeccable balance? Could you do that?

Oh, go ahead and pull some rockets on the skate, too, so that's very passed down the hill.

Also,

if you can give her one arm, but the other one's an oven mitt.

Yeah, give her one baby arm and then one regular one, but it's a giant oven mitt. And it's actually the hamburger helper icon that talks.
Could you go ahead and do that? Actually, scratch all that.

Could you just make hamburger helper real?

You know what, actually, could you just give me Oprah Winfrey? Thank you.

I love her book club. Oh, I love her book club.

Could you just give me

all this being said at like a drive-through? Yeah,

this is this is three minutes after the orientation VHS video.

can you give me Oprah Winfrey from 1986, just around that time? Thank you, but also incredibly muscular.

Could you make her a bodybuilder and oiled up as well, please?

Go ahead and oil her up and put her in a pantsuit. Appreciate you.

He's like saying it nonchalantly, like walks back, and then he's going to be obviously upset when he comes back through the results. Who the hell is this?

Yeah, he walks, he's like, whoa, this isn't anything like oil in iraq this is whoa who did this who the hell is this dave is that you dave get out here stop that yeah buddy you're sorry you're not cut out for this

mainly faking painting or watching tv you know boring stuff

you fake the painting yeah that's what that's what he's upset about

you fake the painting you aren't really painting those wonderful pictures

don't lie

dude's painting those beautiful pictures I think about them daily

oh god you fake the painting you are really painting those wonderful pictures he's he has to be mentally gone Real quick, fellas, he's playing it way too fast.

That kind of move? That's like after

your first or second confirmed date you don't trick a girl into showing up with friends the friends aren't there and then you're trying to hold her hand way too fast i legitimately thought that you were going to say something about putting your penis in the popcorn

no no of course of course not that's the third day guys he's playing it all wrong he's playing it all wrong you've you cut a hole in the button yeah yeah yeah yeah you get the dune popcorn bucket you see the perfect what'd you expect

the theater had long closed, so I only had one option. I told her that I was going to go behind the theater to piss, but that I'd be back in two shakes.

It was obvious that I thought it was hilarious, and she seemed to laugh more at how funny I found it than at how funny it clearly was. What a fucking dork.

I'll be back in two shakes.

What an actual fucking dork.

He's like, I'll be back in two shakes.

She's like,

yeah.

He's like,

you get it, my cock. It's my cock.

Do you get it? It's a joke about it.

I cannot find the name of the person.

Whoever the author is probably writes elsewhere. So the Gregory 88 was like, oh, let me do a fun little Twitter ARG.
So it was something they were kind of doing off the dome, you know?

And then I think they wrote themselves into a corner. Right?

Like they get they get near the end and they're like ah this they were asking themselves a lot of the questions we were. Like, well, what does the thing look like? What does it do? What?

Isaiah. What?

Dude, Gregg's follows on Twitter is the fucking writing cast for Big Mouth.

What is happening, dude?

He follows Nick Crow while she's going on.

Oh my god,

did did was this was this Twitter ARG written by a big mouth writer?

Oh my god,

this is John

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

I'm done. I'm done with this.
Did we just get trolled super hard?

This is, I can't tell if I just got trolled or what's going on, but this, I, I, we have to, I'm going to let the, the listeners and the,

I'm going to let the listeners and the viewers figure this one out on their own, but I, I, I am mentally tapped.

Babe, I'm talking

to my friend's girlfriend. What is your problem? I guess I can't have friends.
I guess I can't have friends. I guess I'm just...
I guess I'm the bad guy, isn't it? No, I'm the bad guy.

Oh,

what? Are you.

What? Are you going to go to the hospital? Like, it's visibly leaking down. You're like, are you going to go to the hospital again? Yeah, I piss myself.
Let me enjoy my weekend. No, I piss myself.

It's not that. It's not that.

I was working on model cars earlier. It's glue.
It's glue. Connie.

Don't leave me, baby.

Total 180. I fucking love you.
It's just the middle of the night. Yeah, it's 3:30 in the morning.

Jin, baby, don't let her bother you. Yeah, he's not even in the same house.
He's talking to himself in a mirror. He's like wine drunk.

What am I?

What am I?

Oh, this goddamn house!

Fuck! Yeah, there's like an Italian-American family next door. Buddy, Jesus Christ, did you

just give her a rest, drink some water, and get some sleep? Fuck!

The phone's not even plugged in. Yeah,

he's like, Ginny,

why are we playing all these games, sweetheart? Why don't me and you go get a lust in a little house of our own, you know what I mean? You want Uncle Eric to come over?

You got uh, you got Ginny, baby. You got yourself a room that smells like cookies, if you know what I mean.

Having the door be cracked open and you walking by and there's a man talking into an unplugged phone in his whitey tidies and he has like a bathrobe on. He's like,

you want me to go over there and look at your panties? Would that not be fucking horrifying?

Yeah, we're gonna go the house is like a Venus flight trap, huh? Yeah, can you like peek your head in on that?

And then he like he like looks up, he has like wine, his like lips, his lips are totally stained red from all the wine. And he's like, he's like, I keep going to houses that are eating me like a bug.

I keep going to houses that keep eating me like a bug.

I'm just a big old bug in the house.

The house wants me to be a bug. I guess it's what they want.
Housekeeping. My buddy keeps getting eaten like a bug in his house.

My buddy keeps getting eaten like a bug in his house,

sir. I need you to.
I need you to go.

Check out what six hours ago. My buddy keeps getting eaten like a bug in a house.
Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

Do you really like that? Where's Jen?

I bet. Yeah, I bet.
Do you been to just

a second store? Are you Jen?

I think...

Are you Connie? Are you my wife? I think. There's just 25.
Connie, I told you Jen's come and go away. Jen's going to be here soon.
There's 25 empty bottles of barefoot red wine just

all over the apartment. 25.

Oh, God, I made some mistakes.

Jen, we gotta go to the house.

Do I look like a Dionysus?

Do I look like a Dionysus baby?

Just like

the rumble guy. Do I look like Dionysus' baby? Because I can be.

Just hear the little pinch real quick. See him.

Immediately gets attacked by the cops.

How do you been in the house?

I'm trying to explore your second story if you know what I'm saying. Do you have a second story? Are you going to eat me like a bug?

Do you have a second story, or are you going to eat me like a bug?

You want to be a second story? I'll crawl into your red room.

Eric walks in naked to a cafe, lays on a table, eat me like a bug.

You say that fork, you eat me like a bug.

Yeah, he likes that, what he

probably liked that. Tell Connie I want to come home.

You tell Connie I want to get the keys back. I want to get the whole band back together, please.

You do that, or you eat me like a bug.

There's no imaginabs about it.

Eat me like a bug.

Just going to different

public servants. Yes,

exactly. So are you going to just look at me? You can eat me like a bug.

Is that going to happen or not?

I need to look at me right now and he should tell me the truth.

I know, I know, or I've seen you people for. You think you're better than me? You think you're better than me?

Because your house only has one floor? Paints himself green, puts himself in a flower pot with leaves. He does, feed me.

He's walking into like a Starbucks, completely naked. Scooting forward.
Like a giant penis flytrap costume on.

Scooting forward in a big orange pot.

So I think I'll take a white chocolate milk with

non-fat milk, extra hot, and I want you to eat me like a bug.

He's just completely naked.

I feel like the house is like, I feel like the house house is just be like, I don't want to fucking eat this

anymore.

Yeah,

he like comes up to the house. He's like, is this what you want? Is this what you want from me? And like the house just sinks into the ground really quick.

Yeah, the house shows up and the locked doors. He's like, let me in.

They won't let him in the house. They're going to eat me up.
You're going to eat me all the way. I was tasty before, but not now.
Okay.

Still, yeah, just like throws the empty bottle of barefoot wine at the front door.

I'll be back!

He's still in his pot, though, as he scoots away.

The police show up, and he's like, this house thinks it's better than me. This house thinks that.

I want you to shoot me four times in the chest.

I want you to gun me down right here in front of this house.

I want to be a martyr. Can you make me a martyr, please? God, we got to finish the story.

Get me out. We also

want to be a martyr.

I want to be Mother Teresa. I want to be like Jesus and die right here.
Jesus Christ said

I want to be like a curatorial.

I'm going to pay the house to eat you like.

I'm going to send you away to go eat you like a bug.

Return of sweatsuit, man. This is the next day.
Friday, October 29th.

Yes, he's back again.

This time, he has a vehicle. I feel so weird going back to like him being normal.
Because I was, I literally, when I was reading it

in my head, I was like, yes, he's back again.

This time,

he has a vehicle. He has a vehicle.
I saw him parked along the curb just across the street from my building. He was in this dirt cake pickup truck with a crooked fender.

Just staring at this main entrance like it was a bank he was about to rob.

I guess the rules are homeless.

So who the hell is that guy? I don't like it.

And I'm really,

really

trying not to be.

I love the idea of a drunk guy being like,

guys, honestly, I'm really

trying not to be paranoid about this.

Guys, please. And he's painted green the flower pots.

He's completely naked in front of like a citibank, like with a giant laptop.

His little porky pig cock outside of a Bank of America. I think this guy's following me.
I think this guy's trying to eat me like a fuck.

I think he's a bee and he's trying to take the pollen out of my head.

Don't let him, don't, sir. Don't let him take the pollen out of my head.

Please, don't.

You're all bees.

He's like, freak out.

Where's your queen?

He's dressed like that stupid shop plant for Mario

Me,

me, you, and Bullet Bill should get the hell out of here.

It just went from like he was actually concerned, like,

what are you gonna do? What's the house gonna do? Is it gonna eat me?

You'd like that wooden jiotty.

We cannot record this late again.

I'm sorry to all the audio listeners. My God.

Okay. I'm cry.
Okay. Just thinking about a completely naked man in green body paint.
Like, I'm trying to keep it together.

I don't want to alarm anyone, but I'm getting kind of scared. Go look now but i think that guy across the street is looking at me

i think he's kind of weird he's just like taking a shit he's taking his shit he's like standing upright taking his shit on the ground i think that guy's starting to look at me weird

Don't worry about that. It's my fertilizer.
It's like rolling down his leg. It's just the wettest diarrhea he's had.
It's the fertilizer. Don't worry about it.
Just

keep it on that guy. He's on a laptop, a 2004 laptop, like, guys.

2004 Toshiba laptop. I aming Jenny.
Come pick me up. Connie kicked me out again.
Yeah, Connie won't. I keep soil in the bed with my soil.

I should be working.

Jen in her head is like, I hope he's doing okay. And she pulls up and he's dressed like a giant fetus fly.

You've been gone for six days. Eric, what the fuck?

Connie, I thought you were dead.

Oh, I'm blending in so it won't find me, Connie.

Yeah, he's like standing by a tree. How could you see me in the garden? You don't think the house can see me, do you? If it sees me, I bet it'll eat me like a boy.

I'm seeing a two-story Victorian house walk around here, Abby.

Every house he passes, he like hides. He's like, you can't be too sure with these things.

Oh, God.

Okay, we have to continue. Yes.
So after that, he exited Sherman Way and headed east.

Then I got stuck at a light at the North Ridge Med Center and lost him again.

I just, I just kept driving and looking. I thought,

I'm sorry, I just imagined like a naked guy in green suit driving a car,

trying to be low-key. It's hard to press the gas in the brakes when you're driving with a giant flower pot still in the stand.

So he's like,

opening up tiny wines of barefoot red, Sipping on them like a baby sips on a binky.

Oh, I'm so tired.

Oh, God, I'm tired.

Oh, my gosh.

I'm just the thought of the guy completely naked.

He hits the

speed

in a flower pot.

And every time he hits the the

strike or the gas, it's like the loudest noise you've ever heard.

Clink, clink, clink, bubble. Look at everything.
He's trying to hit the brake, but he's trying to be low-key and tail someone.

Yeah, large, large, large green leaves and stuff are going up his windows. He's trying to be inconspicuous, but he looks like a goddamn parade outfit.

the car is also painted like a Venus flytrap.

Yeah, it has the it has the Rocky horror, or it has the little shop of horrors mouth on the front of his car. He had it modified, it's all papered machine.

He honks his horn and does feed me.

I'll finish it.

I gotta get through. I gotta get through this.

I'm so tired. Oh, God.
Oh, man. I want to go to bed.

Editor was reluctant to go back. We all were.

But he knew he had to. Why does he have to?

Why does he need to?

Call the police. What do you mean? Well,

we will after we do our edit because we're interns. The editor leans around.
He's like, we have to go back. could be a dead child

could be a photo of a dead kin you know

i also want to mention um

that in the last episode upon watching the upload a lot of my impeccable jeff goldbloom impression was cut from the from the final level and i equate that to the burning of the library of alexandria i think that is perfect art that should not be tampered with.

So this is your warning. I am going to insert it into any location I can through this story and make it impossible for the editor to catch all of them.
Okay.

Because I'm mad and we'll continue to be mad. Yeah.

People will talk of the deletion of the Jeff Goldblum impression, much like

Greeks wearing

robes talked about the burning of Alexandria.

It'll have that infamous. I think there were literally like 20 minutes of me

talking in a Jeff Goblet voice. He's never mentioned it.

Just me going, could be a dead child.

Can be a dead child.

Me and my son, Benjamin. Yes,

difficult.

I just opened a Linz Crafters

off exit 13.

Have you ever heard of a glasses world,

KT?

I just opened a Linzcrafters next to my cousin's Linz store in the outlet mall.

Give me the hat store glasses.

I just got a St. Louis Cardinals hat with the Linz Crafters logo on it, Katie.

You've got a lot of glasses.

He says he's got a lot of glasses. Ben Drown Goldblum, your first customer.

I took my son.

Benjamin Goldblum. He loves glasses.
They get an Oakland Raiders hat and a nice pair of glasses.

Oh, Benjamin Goldblum would love an Oakland Raiders hat.

He's standing and tall.

He's very tall. Tiffany, you are alone.
There's a TV.

The screen is all fuzzy. And the tall man is watching it.
Tiffany, I want you to focus.

Tiffany, there's not a fucking man in there with you. God, meet me halfway, Tiffany.
This is an imaginary room, Tiffany. I'm trying, Dr.
Adacted, but it's hard.

Tiffany, you're going to make me lose my fucking mind. There's no one there.
Okay, Tiffany, what is the man saying?

He's speaking perfect Spanish,

Tiffany. What the hell are you talking about?

Hola, Tiffany, it's me.

Senor Goldblum, Benjamin Goldblum.

Hello.

Would you like to meet my son, Senor Benjamin Goldblum?

He's like wearing a sombrero.

Doctor Redacted, I think it's Jeff Goldblum. Tiffany, stop.

Doctor Redacted, I think it's Jeff Goldblum.

He keeps asking me. Dr.
Redacted, I think it's Shaquille O'Neal.

He keeps asking me for salsa.

He's asked me for various bits of snacks. Doctor Redacted, I think it is the Macho Man Randy Savage character from the Tommy Taffy Creepcast band.

You know the episode people hated?

He's like, oh, Tiffany, I'm very well aware.

But actually, if they think about it, the way that Hunter and Isaiah cleverly bounced off of the trauma in the episode for good comedy really highlights what Creepcast is all about.

And I think they should get over it.

Of course, of course. These are obvious facts that people should know, but it doesn't matter.
No one's in the room with you, Tiffany.

Even Doctor Redacted, even the fact that it's a story and they should grow up and get over it.

It's not like they wrote the story, story, you know, they just read it. And it was them experiencing it for the first time.
And maybe

the gist of the podcast, right?

Right.

And maybe, Dr. Redacted, the audience should lighten up a little.

And Dr. Redacted, that Isaiah and Hunter are trying their best.

Well, Tiffany, I think they are speaking probably the most facts you've spoken today.

Your mind is not a good thing. That's right, Tiffany.
That's right.

You're so right. The audience should lighten up a little bit, huh? Maybe, maybe let Isaiah and Hunter experience the story.

I mean, it's not like they're trying to condone Tommy Taffy's actions, they seem quite opposed. They seem quite opposed the entire time, do they?

As a matter of fact, they don't like child abuse at all, if you ask me. It just kind of comes with the territory of reading creepypastas.

Maybe

if they're reading scary stories they've never read of or

that kind of thing can happen.

Oh, God. All right, let's go.
This isn't even part of any of his research either. This is just what he likes to do.

He just likes cutting open dead minds.

He's like, this mouse feels really weird against the blades of my scissors.

Feels good.

Jim likes it.

You ever cut a mouse? Jim likes it.

Whoever edits this, if you remove any of my Jeff Coltman impression, I'm going to break something. Okay.

Let me have it. Thank you all so much for watching.
Thank you for checking out Greylock and bully Hunter about whatever I told you to bully about in the comments.

Bye.

Bye.

You let me into your subconscious. No, I'm not going to leave.
Bye. There is one thing I want to get off my chest before we start, though, that mostly I feel like you'd appreciate.

I was in the city this weekend, and some girl runs up to me, and she was like, oh, oh my gosh, are you that guy from Creepcast? Not Wendigo. That is nice.
Not Isaiah. That guy from Creepcast.

That guy. That guy.
You're the guy who does the Jeff Goldberg impression, right?

Yes, yes, yes. Now, if she said that, I would have been thrilled.
I've been like, that would have been fucked up. I would have actually quit the part.
I would have been like, okay, I'm done.

I'm actually done. I would have been like, that's right.

And then, oh, that's me.

No, she wouldn't know that because the editor keeps cutting it. The Creep TV was the most, the most, the Jeff Goldblum impression got out because Caitlin wasn't allowed to touch it.

She didn't get it.

Enjoy it while you could because it's the last time. You just had an incredibly long, detailed description of why you shouldn't be here at all.
There's bad spirits. They're from the mind.

Get away, save your wife. And you're like,

well, I guess I'll camp out here another night. I mean, they put...

Hold on.

Well, I guess I'll camp out here another night. I guess I'll, I guess I'll maybe hope the dream catcher isn't demonic.
Maybe I'll, maybe I'll

drop a nice bath. I mean, I have the robe after all.
It's purple, and I have a gun.

I have a gun. All stuff I just have to cut out for the podcast.
No, you're not cutting anything out.

You're leaving all that. You let me have this.
You know how scared I am right now? Oh, my God. The next line.
Oh, my gosh. You're right about the next line.

Sometimes she would struggle, but usually she she would just go along with her head hung low. What a job.
What is going on? Okay. All right.

I'm watching this woman get periodically kidnapped in this trapped room every day. It's like, oh, well, that's kind of funny.
That's a little weird.

She always looked peaceful and happy when she was painting. And seeing her that way, smiling serenely from time to time as she got something.
the way she wanted it, it always made my day.

She is totally going to paint something like, help

yeah, yeah, or it's gonna be like a bloody face or something like that, or like Jeff the Killer painted. Yeah, yeah,

that's whenever she told me her name was Jeff.

Red, red, red, red, red, red.

Where's the kill agent? Where do I fill the chamber with nerve gas?

Kill it!

I guess I'm just a little cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Just like the lady just looks at you who's watching, and it's like, oh, what if I'm painting Jeff? What if it's Jeff Colbert? Oh, God.

You think I forgot?

You think I forgot about Jeff? Oh, God. I'm just Wade.

I don't even remember where we were at. There it is.
Okay. As long as you gave it the treat it wanted, you would be not only saved, but rewarded.

That's assuming that you're in control of the negotiation, which I feel like is a misstep.

So

science was too busy asking if they could. They never stopped to ask if they should.