384: A Martian Ocean

Audival's romance collection has something to satisfy every side of you.

When it comes to what kind of romance you're into, you don't have to choose just one.

Fancy a dallions with a duke, or maybe a steamy billionaire.

You could find a book boyfriend in the city and another one tearing it up on the hockey field.

And if nothing on this earth satisfies, you can always find love in another realm.

Discover modern rom-coms from authors like Lily Chu and Allie Hazelwood, the latest romanticy series from Sarah J.

Maas and Rebecca Yaros, plus regency favorites like like Bridgerton and Outlander.

And of course, all the really steamy stuff.

Your first great love story is free when you sign up for a free 30-day trial at audible.com slash wondery.

That's audible.com slash wondery.

Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John.

Or as I prefer to think of it, Dear John and Hank.

It's a podcast where two brothers answer your questions, give you devious advice, and bring you all the week's news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon.

John,

did you know why

hamburger buns never get along?

Why is that?

They've always got beef between them.

Or ground chicken.

That's, well, that's true.

Just some kind of meat.

Why do we say we have beef and not just we have meat?

I got meat with that guy.

Big meat.

Big meat.

In the future, when we don't have beef anymore, what are we going to have?

We're just going to have mushrooms between us.

Did you ever know that your mushroom?

You sing this song like it's what that song's from like 1987 and you sing it all the time.

I do sing it all the time.

It's the song that spent the most time in my head in my life by a very wide margin since I saw the movie Beaches when I was 10 or 11 years old.

I have just gone from being like

annoyed at you to so sorry for you.

Yeah, I mean, it's just, it comes into my head many times a day, every day for the last 30 years.

And I know it's not a good song, but like

it's not the song so much as the, it's the same one.

Yeah, but here's my case for it, okay?

Oh, okay.

Here's my case for it.

It is a song.

The song is, did you, it goes, did you ever know that you're my hero?

You're everything I wish I could be.

I could fly higher than an eagle because you are the wind beneath my wings.

I won't do you the dishonor of singing the entire chorus, but I also don't know any of the verses, so I only know the chorus, right?

So like, that's all I can sing.

Maybe you need to learn more.

No, I don't think that's the solution.

Here's my case for the song.

The song is ultimately about understanding that you're that that however whatever you accomplish in life is is based on the contributions of others and that everything that's done is done in collaboration and the only way to make anything is together.

And that is actually a nice daily reminder.

I just wish it didn't come in the form of, did you ever know that you're my hero?

is it from the movie bodyguard or is that from the movie beaches beaches beaches with bet midland bet middler yeah oh

this is okay weird what's the song what's the song that's in your head most often oh uh it is a constantly rotating playlist it oh really i never have a song for more than a day No way, really?

Because like my best friend Chris like grew up really Baptist and he,

you know, there's growing up Baptist and then there's growing up really Baptist.

Yeah, yeah, I know what you mean.

He grew up really Baptist.

And it's, my God is an awesome God.

And like, he'll sing that.

He'll belt that out.

Like, he'll be feeding the chickens or something.

And it'll just get into his heart.

Oh,

man.

That's whenever I say that.

I feel so grateful.

Whenever I'm complaining about something about work, Chris will say, Philippians 4, 13, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

And I'm like, it's not helpful, Chris.

Doesn't get me where I need to be right now.

Yeah, it might be working for you.

It's not working for me.

And you are not the wind beneath my wings right now.

Thank you.

You're not being the wind beneath my wings.

And that's what I need is I need a little bit of wind so I can soar like an eagle.

But I do.

But only if you would be the wind beneath my wings and not give me a Bible quote right now.

Actually, I need to be.

Well, actually, I'm good with a Bible quote, but just don't give me the six

dang one every time.

Motivationalbiblequotes.com.

Vary it up.

Give me one of those, like,

give me something from the book of Job.

Let's talk about suffering.

Meet me where I'm at.

This first question, Hank, comes from Nat, who writes, Dear John and Hank, in that swiftacular episode, which is the episode that we devoted entirely to Taylor Swift, John said, I don't like it when people don't like me, which has really resonated with me because I have this same issue and feel like it really holds me back sometimes.

You and me, both, Nat.

I've been in therapy for years, but this is a thing that has never really stopped being true for me.

Perhaps, Nat, because you're trying to make your therapist like you.

Do you all have any tips on how you can get past this?

How can I stop caring whether people like me or at least stop letting the fact that I care hold me back?

Thank you all for both.

You do, like the pest, Nat.

Nat, you have asked the wrong two people how to not care about being liked.

I feel like,

don't therapists know that everyone walks into the office and is like

let me show you how cool i am

hey

hey the best part of your week has arrived it's me with my stand-up comedy show lasting one hour

You're going to laugh, you're going to cry, you're going to feel everything.

Shuffle ball change, shuffle ball, change, do a little dance.

Fussy, fussy, fussy.

I do think that, like, sometimes I think, has Good.Store raised $7.5 million for charity in the last three years because

we love the Newman's own model and believe in it and believe that like we have to be really careful and thoughtful about how community resources are distributed in commercial enterprises?

Or is it only because we want to be liked?

You can't put that in the podcast.

It's too real.

I can put it in the podcast.

Tuna, keep it in.

Oh, no.

Let's get real, Hank.

Let's get real.

Well, here's the thing.

everybody wants to be liked.

You should harness that desire to be liked for good.

That's what I think.

I guess I can.

Harness my deep, insatiable need to be liked for good.

Yeah.

I read about this black hole, the largest black hole ever discovered.

It's like eating the equivalent of a sun every day.

Yeah, yeah.

And I was reading about this black hole, and I was thinking, I too hunger for more.

Yeah, I could eat a star.

I could eat a star's worth of of Twitter likes.

You can't, you could not give me enough of that food.

I'll eat it.

I'll eat it until I feel horribly sick and I'm like, this is making my life so much worse.

And everyone around me is like, this is making your life so much worse.

And then I'll be like, can I have another, please?

I think all the time about when I first got TikTok and I was first like had some TikToks going viral.

And I was, it was like Saturday morning and Catherine and I went to the farmer's market with Oren.

We did farmer's market stuff.

And then we went and got sandwiches.

And we sat at a little spot that's like not, it's like part of a bank, but it's nice.

It's like a nice little area by the bank, but nobody ever goes there.

And we were like hanging out there.

And that's where we would have breakfast every morning.

We were eating our sandwiches with Oren and we are like on a, we had our bikes.

And I was just looking at how fast new people were following me on TikTok.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

And I was like, every time I refresh, it's like 10 more.

Every second, it's like 10 more.

I am a black hole of want.

I can't.

It's just, it keeps going in forever.

You're there with the people you love most in the world.

Yeah.

The people you have hitched your wagon to for the remainder of your natural life.

And you are looking at how many new strangers are following you on TikTok.

And the glee is overwhelming.

It's a, I've said it a million times, but it is true for me.

It is a hard drug.

I have done soft drugs, and that is a hard drug.

So, Nat, what you need to do is get your butt on TikTok, fill it up some other way, and then go into therapy and be like,

I've had my fill.

I don't want any more.

See the darkness that's in me.

Maybe you need a podcast.

But that's the problem, Nat, is that if you get that, you will still want more.

You will be that black hole

that swallows a sun and the sun is not enough.

So in the end, unfortunately, we have to find meaning and connection within our real life relationships, which are hard to build and complicated and require lots of thought and care less about what strangers think about us than what those who are close to us think about us.

Right.

And this is the thing, Matt.

I think that of course, of course we care what other people think about us.

Of course we want people to like us.

We should want want people to like us.

We should want the people that we like to like us.

Yeah.

And

we should do things to help them know that we care about them and that we want to do things for them and that we want to make them happy and that will make them like us.

And maybe that's maybe we're doing it to be liked.

And maybe we're doing it because it feels good to do things for people.

Maybe it's for both reasons.

I think.

Well, that's why we're here, Hank.

Yeah.

That's why we're here.

We're here to love and be loved loved and know and be known.

And so I don't have an issue with that.

I have an issue with the commercialization of it and

my own participation in the commercialization and superficialization of it.

Right.

And I'm not your therapist, obviously, but hopefully your therapist isn't telling you that it's not okay to want to be liked.

It's okay to want to be liked.

That's not something you need to stop.

But like there, there is, of course, a limit to that.

And if you are trying to be liked by people who don't like you and who you don't like, and you're trying to make everyone like you, then yeah, that is a problem.

But it's also perfectly understandable.

It's the most natural thing in the world.

We are a social species that are, we, we, from the ground up, we, we succeeded because we bonded.

We succeed because we work through problems together.

That's like the thing that humans do.

And a big part of that is

like whatever the sort of liking is, the system through which we sort of grant each other like social appreciation.

And you're a part, you're a part of that.

But like it, it, for me,

it is really, like, it is really true that it matters much more to me whether Catherine likes me and whether John like me and other people who I like, who I really know and who really know me.

And those are the, the, like, that, then, like, more peripheral relationships or like one-sided relationships, like internet stuff.

And yeah, I mean, I, I agree with you in the abstract, but when Mr.

Poopy Peanut Butt on TikTok says that John Green is a typical moderate who's just trying to appease everyone and not offend anybody, I take that really personally.

Yeah.

Because

he knows the secret truth about me, which is that I'm a terrible person.

And the people who love me and who know me the best don't know that secret truth because they're blinded by their affection for me.

And so I'm always drawn to the people who hate me

because

there's a part of me that thinks, well, that's the truth.

That's who I really am.

And they know.

But I can say to Catherine, like, I'm a good person.

Right.

And she is, and like the look on her face of like complete consternation to being like, why are we doing this?

Right.

That's the dumbest question.

Of course, of course.

Everything I've ever seen you do.

Not everything.

Everything she's ever seen me do.

Yeah, not everything.

I don't agree with that.

I mean, you're an okay person.

Let's not pull it out of proportion.

Let's move on to the next question.

Yeah, well, it's Shabby.

She's my wife, so she's going to be biased, but like, I do believe her.

You know, that's my point.

I believe her.

Okay.

Good.

I don't even know anyone who says that I'm a good person, but move on.

This next question comes from Brie, who asks, hi, guys.

Why does having a hot shower set off my smoke detector?

What is it detecting?

Is it the heat, the opacity of the air?

There has to be a more effective way to detect fire slash smoke, right?

Love the pod, DFT Bree A.

Well done.

It's good.

Well done.

Good.

What do you think, John?

My suspicion would be that there's something wrong with Bree's smoke detector because my shower doesn't set off the smoke detector, but then my second suspicion would be that steam is pretty similar to smoke and maybe all it detects is the amount of business in the air.

Yeah, it's it

yeah, so it it does detect the amount of business in the air, basically.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's a business detector.

And so like it's not really a smoke detector.

It's a it's a it's a is there stuff in the air detector.

So basically there's like a there's like a literal tiny bit of radioactive material that is emitting a tiny bit of radiation and like an actual particle, like a, I don't know what kind of particle it is, but it's big enough that it gets stopped.

It can get stopped by it like if there's something in the air blocking it and so if a thing blocks it then uh there they will not it will not receive it and it'll be like i didn't receive a message and if enough of uh the radiation gets blocked then the smoke detector goes off my guess is that there's like that you should probably replace your smoke detector because Smoke particles are much more opaque than steam particles.

And so, or tiny, these are not steam particles.

They're tiny droplets of water in the air.

And so it shouldn't make your smoke detector go off.

So you should probably replace your smoke detector.

There might be like it's not emitting, like maybe it's got something else clouding it, some gunk got on it or something like that.

And you can just get a new one and probably it will stop.

Because that sounds extremely annoying.

That does sound annoying.

Rachel asks, I have a tuberculosis related question.

Oh, great.

She writes, Dear Hank and John, mostly John, please help explain what was going on.

My freshman year of high school, 2006 or 2007, there was like a tuberculosis outbreak question mark.

The entire school had to get tested with some arm prick question mark.

I don't know.

This was like 20 years ago.

My question is, why would a 2000s Dallas suburb high school be required to screen thousands of students for tuberculosis?

Best wishes, Rachel.

Oh, wow.

This would in a normal universe be a me question, but I don't know.

But now it's a you question.

Welcome to being a science guy, John.

This is definitely a me question.

A science guy with a very limited

ability to go relatively deep.

But yeah, so this is a me question.

And what happened to you is really interesting.

And it's interesting because of all the places and times and ways it hasn't happened.

So what happened to you, Rachel, is first off, lots of people have tuberculosis.

Between

a quarter and a third of all humans alive right now

have been infected with tuberculosis.

And so it's not uncommon.

What almost certainly happened is that somebody tested positive for active tuberculosis, like somebody got sick and tested positive.

Their case was almost certainly caught very early, as they almost always are in the United States.

And you say you live in the Dallas suburbs.

And so the case was caught early.

It was treated.

And then everyone around that person,

including apparently your entire school, usually it would just be like close contacts.

But here in the United States, we tend to go pretty hard when there's a case of active tuberculosis in a school or whatever.

And there's a lot of cases of active tuberculosis in the US still, like 500 people or so a year die of TB in the US.

But what happened is that they gave you this skin prick test.

The skin prick test is really fascinating.

It's really old.

In fact, it was invented on some level by the guy who first established that tuberculosis was caused by a bacteria, Dr.

Robert Koch.

And basically, they prick your skin and see if you have a reaction to the little skin prick.

And if you do, that means that you've been exposed to tuberculosis tuberculosis in the past.

Now, in most of the world, they can't do this test, or in much of the world where TB is really endemic, they can't do this test.

Because if you get the vaccine for tuberculosis, which is called BCG, you will always test positive with the skin test, or at least like there's a very high likelihood of there being false positives because you got the vaccine.

And so you were kind of exposed to something adjacent to tuberculosis when you were a baby.

And so the skin prick test is of limited utility in places where TB is really endemic, but in places like the United States, it's still relatively useful.

In fact, the reason, Rachel, that you didn't get vaccinated for tuberculosis when you were a baby is so that that skin test would work.

Like we did a cost-benefit analysis and we found that the vaccine isn't very good.

It's very effective in preventing severe illness and death in young children, but then in adolescents and adults, it's either not effective at all or very limited in its effectiveness.

And so we did a cost-benefit analysis that the benefit of having this skin test work is better than the benefit of the benefits that would come from vaccinating everyone.

Now,

there are other reasons why we don't vaccinate everyone.

The benefits are pretty low because the rates of TB in the US are very low, et cetera.

But

that is one of the reasons is so that we can have this skin test and it worked.

So they did the little skin test on you.

You didn't have TB.

You still probably don't have TB.

And now you're fine.

And the school did not have a tuberculosis outbreak, which is great.

That's great.

I had to do a TB test when I started taking a medicine once because

it makes your immune system less good.

And they don't like to give that medicine.

And you might have TB suddenly happen to you.

Did they do the skin test or did they do, what did they do?

They did a blood test, I think.

Yeah, I think they probably did a gene expert test, actually.

Oh.

yeah,

you benefited from

the amazing gene expert test, if only it were affordable in the places where it was most needed.

Yeah, no, I mean, I didn't have tuberculosis, and there was a very low chance I would have.

Yep, but you still get the access to that test that people in countries like Sierra Leone and Pakistan really struggle to get access to.

John, this next question comes from Jenny, who asks, Dear Green Brothers, should I wash my eyes?

Jenny, but that's not my phone number.

P.S.

Apologies to Jonathan that gives you another thing to worry about.

You think you should wash your eyes?

No way.

No way you should wash your eyes.

Two things you don't wash.

You don't wash your eyes and you don't wash way down deep in your ears.

Yeah, you don't want to, you don't want to, yeah, you don't need to get anything in there.

Leave that alone.

Yeah, it's self-cleaning.

Despite what an

avalanche of TikTok ads has told me.

Good God, so many TikTok ads about removing earwax with an earwax camera um or other ways and there is something about humans where we desperately want to remove our earwax um yes and of course earwax can get impacted but but the number one way it gets impacted is by trying to clean out the earwax yes

and the number i don't know about you the number one way that you rupture your eardrum is by trying to clean out impacted earwax yourself right you know one thing about me is that After about nine o'clock at night, when

I get tired and my defenses are down and my ability to

like

withstand the weight of the world is dramatically decreased.

I start to watch earwax removal videos.

I start to watch Durham

Hearing

YouTube channel earwax removal videos.

And the title will be something like earwax hard as ice.

And then I'm like, I'm in.

I'm in.

I need to see this earwax that's as hard as ice.

Yeah, cut glass with that earwax.

Take it out.

Take it out and make it into a diamond and then make it into an engagement ring.

Yes, show me.

Do it.

Yeah, make it a ring.

It's going to be beautiful.

It's going to be the yellowest diamond.

It's maybe brown even.

Little streaks of orange too.

Streaks of beautiful, beautiful diamond.

Streaks of orange.

Some tiny hairs in it.

It'd be great.

It's such a unique dead skin.

It's such a unique

engagement ring you have.

Oh, yeah, no, it's my fiancé's earwax turned into a dog.

The video got so many likes.

Finally strangers like me.

Oh, man.

Oh, God.

I also watch hoof trimming.

Oh, hoof trimming's great.

Love a hush.

Yeah.

And there's also a lot of like problems that those hoofs have.

Oh, yeah.

It's hard out there experts for a cow

living

in an environment with a lot of rocks and nails.

Yeah, gosh, no rocks or nails allowed in the cow area.

No, Nate's got to, Nate, the hoof guys really, or the hoof GP, they've really got to clean out those cavities and get those rocks out, and then they've got to apply this acetacy acid.

And there's just, there's a lot involved.

Yep.

I'm just working really hard not to correct you on the compound use, but that's fine.

No, go ahead and say it.

It's salicylic, salicylic acid.

That's what I said.

I said salicylic acid.

That's absolutely tuna replay.

Cetacylic acid, and yeah, awesome.

Yep, cool.

That's the same word.

Yep, salicylic.

Just, I've said it the same way three times now.

Actually, cetacylic acid is a hoo-specific uh antibiotic compound, Hank.

Oh, is it?

Mm-hmm.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Google it.

I can't.

Google it.

But wait, wait five minutes because I'm still creating the Wikipedia page.

Hold on.

All right.

Don't clean.

Don't wash your eyes.

It's okay.

Everything's fine.

Don't wash your eyes, especially not with salicylic acid, which sounds like it will burn.

Or acetacylic acid for that matter.

Well, I just don't think that's a thing.

Again, Google it in five minutes.

Acetyl salicylic acid is a thing.

That's aspirin.

Okay.

Okay, maybe that's what I'm thinking of.

I think that's probably what you're thinking of.

John, this next question comes.

I need to get my science on.

It comes from Eric, who asks, hi, Hank.

Maybe, John.

If you have a spacecraft with a solar sail, can you tack against the solar wind?

Like, can I use the sun's photons to go straight toward the sun itself?

Hope my sailing question isn't too esoteric, Eric.

Nice.

I didn't see that coming, Eric.

So is there a way that you can...

So generally with a solar sail, you're kind of using what I think of as the solar winds to

go away from the sun.

Yeah, you want to get

hit by those photons towards Mars.

But can you tack against it, Hank?

Yeah, well, I mean, the weird thing is that you can tack against the wind.

So if the wind is blowing directly at you, you can travel in the direction of the wind,

which boggles the mind.

But this is actually a great example of how this is possible because you cannot do it with a solar sail.

You can only tack against the wind because the boat is pushing against the water.

And so the wind is hitting you.

And then the shape of the boat allows the boat, like to, in its pressure against the water, to move upwards.

as that energy gets transferred to the boat.

And it's like, basically, the wind is bouncing off.

And then the pressure of the boat on the water is what, as far as I understand this, allows it to go toward the wind.

But with the solar sail, there is no water for the boat to be in, there's nothing to push against.

It's just space.

So you cannot go into the sun with a solar sail.

The fact that space is made primarily out of

empty space

is

a real Morty's mind-blower for me.

What kind of does it for me is that

space both is and isn't something?

Like, it's definitely

anything.

I mean,

it's not made out of anything.

It's not made out of anything, but it's definitely something.

But it is something.

Yeah.

As E.E.

Cummings beautifully wrote, ours is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

of love.

I wonder if he wrote that before we discovered dark energy, which is the one that's actually keeping the stars apart.

I just looked into that very question with astrophysicist Dr.

Katie Mack.

Yeah.

And it turns out that E.

Cummings was probably not aware of dark energy when he wrote that dimer of a line.

Wow.

I want to get my science on, Hank, and not just my tubercular science on.

Not just my potato science on, but also my science science.

From Anna, we've got a question who writes, Dear John and Hank, please don't ask me how we got to this question, but my cousin and I were talking, and this came up with the amount of people who've lived and died on our little planet.

Has an ocean's worth of pea been peed?

My cousin thinks there has been enough peed to make two earths' worths of oceans, but I'm unsure.

Yours,

Anna or Yuliana.

Okay.

Okay.

Hank.

Yes.

The average person

pees, this surprised me, 1.5 liters per day.

That's not an insubstantial amount.

I feel like yesterday I peed that much just in one pee.

It was a wild.

Yeah, sometimes you have to.

There's so much to do.

Sometimes you have to be like,

I can't go.

I got to type.

I got to keep typing.

Well, no, you just do a phone call.

And somebody's like, are you peeing?

And you're like, no, I'm at a waterfall.

Of course.

At a tiny waterfall.

You know, it's just a trickle.

But

it actually used to be more when I was younger.

This waterfall used to to be bigger when I was a kid.

I don't really understand how that

waterfall starts to

be bigger now.

The waterfall should be bigger.

But it's no smaller.

It's weird.

Weird how that works.

Anyway, don't worry about me.

I'm fine.

I've been tested.

Anyway, 1.5 liters per day.

Okay.

Uh-huh.

The average person, and this is a very sad fact,

has lived to be about 18 years old.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Okay.

Now,

a lot of the people who lived to be more than 18 years old lived to be a lot more than 18 years old.

So let's move the median age up to, I did it up to 20 just because it's a round number.

Sure.

There have been about 120 billion people who lived.

Okay.

You got to

go.

You got to make room for the fact that babies pee less than adult, whatever, whatever, right?

Yeah, that'll average out.

Yeah.

This is order.

We're not even going to get to an order of magnitude the size of

a single ocean, but keep going.

There's a lot of rounding involved.

But according to my math,

we have peed about two Earths worth of oceans.

Like, I don't know where your cousin got their number, but that seems to be right.

No way.

No way.

I was stunned.

I was astonished.

I would have bet a million dollars that we have not peed

through the math.

So it's 1.5 liters.

Yep.

Times 20 times 120 billion.

1.5 liters per day.

Oh, right.

1.5 liters times 365 times 20 times 120 billion.

And it turns out that there's only like a few hundred trillion

liters of water in an ocean.

What?

Have we peed out a whole ocean?

I know.

Not only that, Hank, but get this.

A liter is actually a measure of volume, not a measure of weight.

That's a deep cut.

That's a flashback.

That is true.

I feel, ooh,

I feel.

So when people are like the ocean is made out of

P, the ocean is made out of P.

Not just P, human P.

Like the ocean is made out of our P.

Do the math and come back to me when you're done, because I think you'll reach the same conclusion I reached.

I think there's more leaders than you're thinking.

Where did you get your leader's number?

For the leaders in the ocean?

Yeah.

Google?

Where do you think I got it?

Do you think I went to the Atlantic Ocean and started pulling out it leader by leader?

You think I drove to Florida with a two-liter bottle of Mountain Dew, poured that baby out, and started just like being like two, four, six, eight, ten.

What's your number?

How many, how many leaders did you get?

What did we work toward here?

How many leaders in the ocean?

1.335 sextillion leaders are in all the oceans combined.

What's that in scientific notation?

Sextillion?

Frick me.

Sextillion in scientific notation.

It's a thousand.

It's 10 to the 21st.

I got 10 to the 15th for the majority.

Okay, that's what I got too.

So it's but but but but that's all the oceans.

I'm saying that we've peed one single ocean.

We've peed more than one single ocean.

There's no way you could you could divide the earth up into oceans small enough.

What's the how many liters are in the Arctic Ocean, the smallest ocean?

Yeah, 10 to the 15th about, is my guess.

Was your hope?

That's my hope.

Yeah, isn't that how science works?

You have a hope, and then you try to make the data fit the hope.

I think I'm about to prove you wrong, but I love that.

I love that I believed you for a second.

I was so close.

I mean, what's the difference between 10 to the 15th and 10 to the 21st?

We will pee an ocean, the oceans, all the oceans' worth of pee in the fullness of time.

I mean,

now I'm frustrated because it's close.

I told you,

but I was wrong.

But I did tell you.

I mean, it's close enough that if you fudge the number, if you like, if it turns out people pee a little bit more than we think they pee,

then it could be.

Yeah.

Because the Arctic Ocean is 1.9 times 10 to the 15th liters.

According to some very rudimentary.

And this is 1.34 times 10 to the 15th.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I did this wrong.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just, I did, I did some math wrong, John.

It is, in fact, we have peed much less than the Arctic Ocean in the history of humans.

Really?

Yeah, I'm sorry.

We'd have to be around for at least.

We're more than halfway there.

We could do it, but we'd have to be around for millions of years.

No, I don't agree.

We're more than halfway there.

No, I got

1.8 times 10 to the 19th.

Yeah, but we're already.

Versus 1.3 times 10 to the 15th.

We're already at 10 to the 15th, Hank.

We only have four more to go.

How can you say we're not even halfway there when

we're at 15 and we only need to get to 19?

I'm pretty sure you're joking, but

I understand that actually.

I understand the confusion of that.

That is a joke.

But the reason it's a joke is because every time you add a zero,

you're actually adding more than 10x.

Yes, it's not.

Yes, it's a mess.

We have not peed enough to fill an ocean.

In order to pee enough to fill an ocean, we would need for Elon Musk's great dreams of trillions of future people to come true.

And none of them on Mars, because that's not going to help us fill up an ocean of pee.

Do those people even count?

They're not even earthlings.

I feel like,

I guess if the question is, have people peed enough to fill up an ocean that the Martians do still count so

right right and also uh on a Martian ocean yes

like if there were if there were like one times 10 to the 13th liters of water on ocean on Mars we would call that an ocean so yeah John is right everybody we've got there we have peed an ocean a Martian ocean We've peed a Martian ocean.

My point is that we've peed a tremendous amount of pee.

Just way more pee than I expected.

At least more than I expected, but less than an ocean, it turns out.

Wow.

Good luck with that, Tuna.

Next time, don't let us do math live.

Yeah, no joke.

Which reminds me that today's podcast is brought to you by 1.34 to the 15th liters.

1.34 to the 15th liters of pee.

It is

a lot of pee.

So much pee.

You could even call it

pee pee.

What?

That sounds like a joke that your son would make.

And I say that respectfully.

He's a funny man.

Today's podcast is also brought to you by the opacity of the air.

The opacity of the air, fooling smoke alarms since they were invented.

And this podcast is brought to you by Earwax Diamonds, artificially created in a laboratory in northern Minnesota.

Earwax Diamonds take your viral TikTok video and turn them into a treasure that you can cherish with your loved ones for generations.

Now, Hank, I have to tell you, when you were saying that, there was a little part of me that was like, wait, is that a good idea?

Like, could we make that business work?

It's high margin.

I don't, yeah,

I guess if the input is earwax, which hopefully is free.

Not at the scale we're going to have to do it, buddy.

We're going to have to be hiring people left and right to share their earwax with us.

I mean, we're going to be be printing millions of these diamonds.

I need to get that wax.

We've also got a Project for Awesome message from Gail Lothenberg and Alejandro Fried to Twyla Fried Lotenberg.

We want to send a shout out to our daughter Twila on her 19th birthday.

Can there be a bigger fan of your show?

Doubtful.

So if you ever need an intern, she's psyched.

We love that for Twyla's 19th birthday, she asked for nothing more than a donation to Partners in Health.

So we went big and grabbed this opportunity to acknowledge her through Project for Awesome with a birthday message on your show.

Love you, Twyla.

Twyla, thank you for being amazing.

And thank you also to Gail and Alejandra for being amazing.

So you know when a new shirt just becomes your go-to?

That is what happened to me when I picked up a few new pieces from Quince.

They are my everyday shirts.

If you see me in a button-down, it's almost certainly a Quince button-down because they're the first things I reach for in my closet.

Lightweight, comfortable, and always on point.

Quince has all the things you actually want to wear, like organic cotton silk polos, European linen beach shorts, and comfortable pants that work for everything from backyard hangs to nice dinners.

And by working directly with top artisans to cut out the middlemen, Quince gives you luxury pieces without crazy markup.

So elevate your closet with Quince.

Go to quince.com/slash dear hank for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.

That's q-u-i-n-ce-e dot com slash dear hank to get free shipping and 365-day returns.

Quince.com/slash dear hank.

Hank, before we get to the all-important news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon, I need to tell you something about Pope Urban VIII.

Okay.

Pope Urban VIII in the 17th century attempted to ban, wait for it, tuberculosis, sneezing.

Oh,

because he knows Jesus said it's not normal.

Or whoever the popes talk to.

He deemed it sexual.

He thought it was

it was it closely resembled sexual ecstasy,

which I have to say has not been my experience.

Grand Petit More, as they say.

That's what they say.

They describe sneezing as the big little death.

Yes.

Yes, if I can translate for you.

I thought it would be the very little death.

That's what I was going for.

It was actually mostly related to the snorting of snuff,

of tobacco, which was brought over from the New World

with great excitement and enthusiasm.

Oh, okay.

And

uh and and and and the snuff combined with the sneezing just it just felt too too close to sin for pope urban the eighth so uh he attempted to ban it in the 17th century right um and and i just wanted you to know that because we are american like you had to stay

on the topic of sneezing not being normal but

what would happen like when he got a cold Yeah, or just like a cat walked by.

Sure.

Was he okay?

He just tried to hold it in.

He took a vow of sneezing celibacy.

That sounds very snotty.

Part of the deal, you know?

Part of the sacrifice you make.

Then I guess you just go to like Pope

Confession and be like, I have to do some Hail Marys because I did a machui and et cetera.

Yep, I feel really bad, but I did do this thing.

You know who needs to go to confession?

AFC Wimbledon's attack.

Without Ali Alhamedy, we just don't have an ability to

score goals.

We've really, really struggled with the goal scoring.

Most recently, we lost 1-0 to Crawley Town.

We haven't won a game since February 10th against Barrow.

And yeah, we've lost to some pretty bad teams.

Accrington Stanley, they're not that good.

Who are they?

Morecombe, we tied them.

And then we lost to Crawley Town, who are kind of our crosstown rivals.

And I find their fans very annoying.

No disrespect to any Crawley fans listening, just the ones who don't listen, I find very annoying.

And now we're

somehow, despite all of these setbacks, only one point off the last playoff spot.

Unfortunately,

we're also

only

two points off 17th place.

Wow.

Because that's how tight it is between 7th and 17th.

7th and 17th are currently separated by three points.

Wow.

And so there are basically 10 teams fighting for one playoff spot, which means, according to my calculations, we have a 10% chance of making the playoffs, at which point we would have a 25% chance of being a League One third-tier English soccer team.

So I'm not good at math, but those aren't great odds.

No.

No, and I also think you may be overestimating them.

Fair enough.

Great point.

If we snuck into the playoffs in seventh place, we would not actually have a 25% chance of making week one.

We would have like a 10% chance.

So we have a 10% chance of having a 10% chance.

Yep.

That's the deal.

But if we win one more game, we're safe from relegation for the last 13 games of the season.

And I, for one, am just going to soak that up.

I'm headed to England this weekend, Hank, to watch AFC Wimbledon take on the franchise currently plying its trade in Milton Keynes,

a game that we always lose.

And I do not expect to win, but I nonetheless hope that we can find a way to win.

I actually had a dream a few nights ago that Johnny Jackson, AFC Wimbledon's manager, asked me to give a team talk before the game against Milton Keynes.

So I went down and talked to the boys.

Oh, boy.

That sounds terrifying.

All right, Hank, what's the news from Mars?

Well, NASA is looking, maybe for you.

They want some people to work on a simulated Mars mission in the spring of 2025.

So

they do this thing where they get people together and they throw folks into a habitat on Earth and then leave them alone to figure it out for themselves, to learn how human crewed missions might work, communications issues, like dealing with equipment failure, doing robotics, like you just basically pretend like you're on Mars.

And they were looking for, quote, healthy, motivated U.S.

citizens or permanent residents who are non-smokers and who are 30 to 55 years old.

I am most of those things.

Aren't you all of them?

I guess you're not that healthy.

I'm not that healthy.

I think they probably wouldn't count me right now.

Proficient in English, and

you should have a strong desire for unique, rewarding adventures and interest in contributing to NASA's work to prepare for the first human journey to Mars.

Do you have one of those journeys?

Then you've got to live with seven strangers.

You do.

Yeah, it's like you go back to college, but we're all grown-ups now.

And P.

How long, how long?

Two years?

Oh, Oh, no, I don't think so.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

Because I could do it for like a week.

Is it more like a week or more like two years?

You'd think that it would say.

Well,

I guess that's also the truth of a mission to Mars.

You know, how long it's going to be.

A full year, John.

Wow.

A full year.

Wow.

It's in the headline, not in the body.

Wow.

Yeah.

So you can.

Well, I can't.

I'm out.

I mean, I got it.

It's such a long time to take off.

Yeah.

Be like, you know what?

Just quit your job and go live in fake Mars.

I mean, I guess I could write a novel, but my family would probably be pretty mad.

Yeah.

And I would honestly miss my family too much.

I'd miss Little Potato too much.

That's a whole year of my kids growing up.

No, I can't do it.

I can't do it, even though I could write a book, which would be fun.

Hank, when are we going to Mars?

If we're planning this fake, we're going to do this in 2025 and then the year after that, going to Mars.

Before we ever send any form of like anything to Mars and back, we're sending humans.

That's right.

Humans go there and then come back.

2025.

It's bold.

It's bold.

It's a bold prediction.

Yeah.

And I, for one, cannot wait for the renaming of this podcast in just three short years.

Yeah.

You have to dare awesome things or whatever the JPL logo is.

Mighty.

Dare mighty things.

Dare mighty things, baby.

All right, Hank, thank you for podding with me.

Thanks to everybody for listening.

You can email us at hankandjohn at gmail.com.

This podcast is edited by Joseph Tunamedish.

It's produced by Rosianna Halls Rojas.

Our communications coordinator is Brooke Shotwell.

Our editorial assistant is Dabuki Chakravarti.

The music hearing now at the beginning of the podcast is by the Great Gunnarola.

And as they say in our hometown, don't forget to be awesome.