UNLOCKED: Duke Nukem Forever with Colton Dunn

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Wow, what a thrill.

Here in studio, our exclusive interview with Duke Newcomb.

Duke, great to have you.

Give me back my son.

Is that from the Mel Gibson movie Ransom?

All righty then.

Okay, doesn't really answer my question.

Mr.

Newcomb, how did you approach returning to video games after such a long hiatus?

Look out.

It's time to suck my own dick.

Mr.

Newcomb, you just took your pants off.

I don't.

I touched my cocked my eyeball.

We play repeatedly delayed first-person shooter Duke Nukem Forever this week on How Did This Get Played?

Oh, yeah.

Tonight, you died in hell

Fatality.

Time to blow your guns.

Time to put into pain.

Welcome to Out of the Skid Play, the show where we discuss the worst and weirdest video games of all time.

I'm Nick Weiger, alongside Heather Ann Campbell.

I'm Heather Ann Campbell.

And our producer, Matt Appodaka, I'm Matt Appodaka.

Wow.

And they're talking like that because this week's game is Duke Nukem Forever, an FPS released in 2011 for PC, PS3, and Xbox 360.

Violent, vulgar shooter, lots of crude comedy.

You play as Duke Nukem himself in an attempt to rescue Earth's babes from an alien invasion.

That was the goal?

Yeah.

Earth's babes get kidnapped by Daddy.

Why are you getting revenge?

Well, you're getting revenge for the theft of the babes.

Oh, yeah.

The aliens are actually trying to get revenge.

The aliens are getting revenge on you because you kicked their asses back in the original game.

Oh,

wow.

I misinterpreted a core event of the opening sequence.

Oh, boy.

So you were probably lost.

So the main thing that people know Duke Nukem Forever for is having, for its development cycle taking forever, became a cliched joke.

It was the longest development cycle in video game history, announced in 1997,

originally meant to be released in 1999, and then switched engines platforms.

Finally was released almost 15 years later.

And to break down this piece of shit, from NBC Superstore and the podcast Voyage to the Stars and Jam Space, Colton Dunn is here.

Hi, Colton.

What's up?

Let's get up.

Your guys, Duke Nukem voices are all very good.

The problem is you're like having original thoughts instead of just reciting lines from other movies.

I'm going to take a piss.

Colton, we know you're an FPS.

Heather and I know you're an FPS fan.

Oh, yeah.

What are like your favorites of the genre?

I mean, well, you know, obviously Halo is, you know, my game.

It's always what I go back to.

It's where all my buddies are, so I can always hop on and do that.

Big Destiny player for a long time, but then I had a kid and had to work, so Destiny became a little harder to keep up with.

Right.

You know, all the kind of work you got to put into it.

You know, the, you know, Call of Duties.

You know, anytime there's a gun and you're shooting somebody, I like it.

Fortnite, Apex, Legends, you know, all that stuff.

Are you, it sounds like you're more of a multiplayer guy than single-player.

I love multiplayers.

You know, I'll do single players, but, you know, what ends up happening while I'm, you know, if I log on and start playing a single-player game is I start getting messages from my friends to go play the other game.

Right.

And then I'm like, oh, well, I'm going to go play.

Friends.

Right.

Friends?

What is a friend?

Oh, they're just kind of people who hang out with you,

talk to you,

tell you that you're cool, and you tell them they're cool.

That's cool.

You know, like how Matt and me are.

Don't speak to me.

So

the one thing that, because I always get intimidated, because I'm not good at FPSs, like my aim is terrible, and I get like kind of motion sick playing them.

And so like, I'm very, like, I used to play some, like, like, seriously, like, Half-Life 1 online back in the day.

I played some, like, and I just was always like, I'm shitty, and and then people like talk shit to me, and I always find that intimidating.

Your problem with first-person shooters is that you're bad at video games?

I'm bad at this genre.

I don't think I, yeah, I don't think I'm bad.

Like, you know, I can handle certain genres well, even some Twitchy genres I can be okay at.

But first person, like, when I have to get precise with like mouse aim or like the analog stick aim, it just doesn't work.

It doesn't click for me.

Yeah, that could be tough.

You know, I'm fairly good.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Especially for my age, I think I'm pretty good.

But, you know, obviously the, you know, reflexes of like kids in those games makes it really tough.

What I actually do, whether or not it works or not, what I always do is I speed up my

turn speed.

Okay.

So that's one way that I try to compensate for being an old man.

But yeah, I've always, you know, yeah, I've always been fairly proficient with I used to play Halo with Colton

years, like three, in the 360 days.

Oh, yeah.

And it was great.

It was great fun.

It was great times, right?

But I was nowhere near as good as he was.

Right.

But you get, like, you're both, you both play, and I know, Heather, you play it, you've played a lot of online games of different sorts.

Like, how do you both deal with

trash talking and trolling, or do you like revel in that?

I mean, they kind of it doesn't really happen, at least for me, it doesn't really happen that much anymore because they don't have the sort of open mic, so you're not really talking to the other people.

Maybe somebody will send you a message, but you know, I and just FYI, if anybody plays against Captain Dope in a game, I never open up a message.

So you could send me a message all you want.

I'm not leaving the game to go read whatever message is that you sent me.

But, uh,

but yeah, I mean, trash talk was my, actually, I wish there would be more, you know, right.

I wish I wish that they would let it open it up.

Well, I mean, for me, because I'm an adult, like, I'm not going to be like, oh, no, what'd they say that about me?

Like, I understand for like kids who are getting bullied, it's not cool.

But I wish maybe there was a, you could like have an adult check on it or something and turn it back on.

So that, because I love, I love swearing.

I love swearing at people.

Yeah, Nikki Wuss.

Yeah.

You want like

you want like settings for like inner, like it's like easy, easy breezy conversations.

And then

a little trash talk.

And then it's like open season.

And then it's like, your game.

Oh, okay, cool.

What's this one?

Yeah, I just like if, because I don't love when even when I was playing Hearthstone and Hearthstone doesn't even have it's a it's a card game and it doesn't even have like actual like you can send someone a message, but there's no chat in-game.

There's just emotes.

But people control you with the emotes.

Like they can be they can be beating you and just be like, sorry.

And like someone does that to me enough and it's just like I'm mad all week.

I used to do that in the Sellers of Catan

Xbox game that had like little emotes that you could do to people.

Right.

You know they just put Catan on Switch.

I know you told me about it and it makes me want to go get a switching great wait so are you guys board gamers at all yes oh yeah i'm not i've never gotten into board games what do you play do you play katan primarily or uh you know what i um i would love to play katan but nobody wants to play with me oh wow including most of my friends and my family i would play oh yeah well okay we could play again for sure uh but yeah my wife definitely won't play we played one time

and um and we got towards the end of the game and she wouldn't trade me something so i traded all of my resources to another person so that they could win instead of her.

Oh my God.

And so we won't be playing that game anymore.

But I love the pandemic legacy games.

Those are really fun board games.

All the legacy games are great.

What goes on in like a pandemic legacy?

Well, they're sort of games that kind of continue on.

So like think about how you played like a game of Monopoly, right?

And at the end, you had all these hotels and all this stuff, and you guys finished the game, and it's like, all right,

game's done.

When you came back to play the next game, the board would still be the same.

The story kind of would continue somehow.

That's really cool.

It just becomes a hotel management sim.

Yes, exactly.

It's like Dungeons and Dragons, sort of, where the campaign continues.

It's very much like a campaign.

Fuck, that sounds great.

That does sound fun.

That does sound up my alley.

And you just need friends.

You just need four friends that you can play with.

Got it.

Okay, well, I'm doing the math in here.

And

I think you can do that.

We all have a thing at the same time that you want to do that.

You mentioned having a kid.

Has being a dad changed your perspective on games at all, besides just you having less time for it?

I mean, not really.

You know, I, you know, because I'm also somebody I grew up, you know, definitely part of like this TV generation.

And the whole time, everybody was saying, like, you can't just let kids sit and watch TV.

You can't let them do that.

And that's all that I did

and watched TV.

And I think I turned out just fine.

Yeah.

You know, maybe my eating habits could probably be better.

But

so I, you know, I think that at some point, you know, if

my daughter wants to pick up a controller and start playing, I think, you know, finding age-appropriate games for her, I have no issue with that.

Did she watch you?

She has come in and

actually just seen the controllers and like wanted to do stuff.

So I'll like put up, you know, I have like, you know, just a couple like silly games that are, you know, kind of on my Xbox.

So I'll like put those on and like play it and then give her a controller that's not even on.

And she's like, I'm doing it, you know?

So

she's dumb.

She's a moron.

So did you guys play the, I mean, because Duke Nukem began in the 90s, there were a couple of platformers, which I think, you know, some people who are really into PC games played, but they were a little bit more obscure.

Duke Nukem 3D was the breakout hit.

Did anyone in here play Duke Nukem 3D at the time of release back in 1996?

I mean, I saw it at somebody's house.

Okay.

You know, I never had it at my place.

I do remember watching somebody play and being like, oh, wow, crazy.

I played it.

I played it a lot.

Yeah.

Yeah, I played it.

I played, you know, Wolfenstein, Duke Nukem, Quake, Quake 2.

Riven.

Right.

Rise of the Triad.

I'm trying to remember all of them.

And then there were like other mods for all that shit.

They made another one, which they referenced in this game.

It was a,

oh, God, what was it called?

Shadow Warrior?

Was that what it was called?

Yeah, didn't play that one.

And then yeah, Hexen.

Oh, Hexen!

Yeah, Riven, I think, was the missed sequel.

Hexen, I think, was the

Heretic sequel.

There was their game called Doom.

Yeah, there was Doom game.

That was a game that I played.

Yeah, Doom, Doom 2.

Yeah, Doom was huge.

So Duke Nukem Forever was kind of like, or Duke Nukem, rather, 3D, or the original was kind of a response to Doom in terms of just like having more of a sense of fun, where these games were kind of a little bit more grim.

And this was the one where

the main character wasn't faceless.

He had a personality.

I love Duke Nukem 3D, the original.

Like, it's like, I don't know if it's tonally, it's aged well, but like, it was very fun at the time.

There are things you could, you could, all the environment deformation.

You could blow up a building.

You could, like, interact with the environment you couldn't do at the time.

There was like a part where you could like press the spacebar to throw money at a girl, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Shake it, baby.

Oh, hey, there it is.

That was pretty good.

He was quoting Duke, though, so it wasn't as good as our like original take.

That's true.

Yeah.

I didn't have an original out there.

But yeah, so that was the the original, and that was a huge, huge hit in 1996.

And so in 1997, they announced Duke Nukem Forever.

So for context, in this year, the biggest games were like GoldenEye, Final Fantasy VII, Fallout 1, and then it was in development hell for over a decade with 3D Realms.

Eventually was finished and released by Gearbox in 2011.

And when it was released that year, the biggest games, Skyrim, Batman Arkham City, Gears of War 3.

So like two to three generations of gaming happened during this game's like torture development cycle was skyrim really that big a game yeah it was skyrim

was huge yeah oh skyrim skyrim was one of the games i played that wasn't a multiplayer game wow

yeah gigantic game i had no idea skyrim was the game that uh

for some reason uh i i forget who i i talked to somebody and they were like oh yeah you know the more you know the way skyrim works so like the more you do stuff the better you get at it uh and so i and i was like oh so like if you like jumping a lot you'll get be able to jump higher and get more agility.

And they're like, yeah, you'll be, it'll increase.

Well, I didn't realize that.

For some reason, I internalized that to mean if I just kept jumping, that eventually my guy could fly.

So I'd just be like playing the game and just constantly jumping and being like, all right, at some point, this is going to really take off, and my guy's just going to fucking go.

I was like, that's not how that's not how it works.

That's like in this game, in Duke Nukem Forever, I got one upgrade bonus from playing a slot machine.

And I was like, oh, well, if I get the maximum jackpot, I must get a maximum upgrade.

And I played the fucking slot machine for 30 minutes.

Oh, my God.

Just like absentmindedly pressing A, like being like, and then finally got another jackpot and it just gave me nothing.

Oh.

Yeah, I mean, I think that that's like kind of the thing it is.

Yeah, I think that that's just kind of the system they have for the game.

And, you know,

Colton, you mentioned Halo and being a fan of it.

They certainly lifted some things from Halo, which was a revolutionary game franchise that launched and had a couple sequels in the time this game was being developed.

But the ego bar is pretty akin to the Halo shield.

That's the thing you can increase the max at by doing things like lifting weights or signing autographs or playing slots or making basketball shots or pissing.

Yeah.

If you take a piss,

I pissed for so long.

And I was like, no way.

Is this really something I can just sit and do?

Yeah.

And this is like cool.

And everywhere I'd go, I was like, oh, we go to his house.

There's a bathroom.

Can I piss here too?

Wow.

I pissed in every urinal.

I turned on every shower every time I saw a shower.

It seems like Duke never hydrates, but he can constantly piss.

I guess that's his super drink beer.

He does drink beer, yeah.

But he would just be getting dehydrated.

His urine would gradually get thicker and thicker.

Thicker?

Oh, there's a lot of water.

What the fuck are you talking about?

There's a lot of water.

I guess there's a good amount of water.

Does that get him a thick?

Big drinker, this guy.

You know, when you go out drinking a year, piss gets all thick.

Oh, I got that thick piss for drinking.

Ouch.

It's coming out like syrup today.

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I eventually got off that roof when the sun rose.

I want to go back and explain what the ego meter is for people who don't play video games.

So, normally you have like a health bar, and you run out of health and you die.

Ian Duke Nukem,

he never takes damage, his ego takes a bruising.

And so, the ego meter would just be like slow.

If you get shot a whole bunch, it's like his ego takes a hit.

And only if it goes all the way to zero does he, does he give up on the game?

He falls down and his glasses break.

Yeah, he's but he's but in theory, he's not dead.

He's just his ego.

And then if you duck behind cover, then your ego replenishes because you feel awesome when you're hiding.

Right, right.

And you can like do certain things that'll give an instant, like,

I believe the like whatever fatalities that they have in there.

If you do that, it'll instantly

is that true?

Yeah.

Charge your e-gun with you.

You fucking barely pay attention to that shit.

Yeah, some of the melee attacks if you run up to a guy who's like, you know, about to die.

Yeah, and so like the

other thing they kind of, they lifted from Halo, which was not a thing in the original Duke Nukem 3D, is

you've got like a two-weapon limit, which was expanded to four in a patch in the PC version.

But it is like, for a game where you get like lots of cool weapons,

it's kind of a bummer because you just want to play around with like the Freeze ray and shit, but then you just don't have the inventory room for them because you got to make sure you got something that's a little bit more practical.

It's kind of a bummer just from a just from a fun standpoint.

They lifted a third thing from Halo,

which is that you see the power armor midway through the game and they're like, hey, do you want to put on this armor?

And it's clearly the Halo armor.

And Duke Nukem goes, no, power armor's for pussies.

Yeah.

There are some not-so-veiled slams at other games.

I thought it was the power armor.

Well, that's really bold.

Yeah, yeah.

Considering this game sucks.

and they're just taking, they're just throwing haymakers at other games.

You're playing a, later on, you're doing a, there's a puzzle involving a valve you're turning in some pipes, and Duke goes, I hate valve puzzles.

Reference to valve software.

And then there's one, there's later on, he says, Duke one gears nothing.

Really?

Yeah, it's pretty bad.

I liked it when he said, what kind of sick motherfucker picks up wet feces?

Referring to himself.

Because Duke can grab grab shit out of a toilet and then use it to like draw and throw.

Yeah, it's fucking disgusting.

Why wouldn't he say shit in that sentence?

I don't know.

He says sick motherfucker, but he says wet feces.

I feel like it's like weirdly dorky.

It's like online humor, like it's funny to say like feces.

Like,

you don't think it's funny to say feces.

Yeah.

Also, hilarious.

Speaking of online humor, there's a lot of just like memes they just do or just like jokes from other things.

They like a joke they have very early on is they just do that joke from South Park about like step one, step two, step three, profit.

They just like redo that exact same joke.

That's from South Park?

Yeah, it's a South Park thing that later became a meme.

Underwear Gnomes, I think, was the origin of that.

They do a Leroy Jenkins thing.

Yeah, so I guess let's just kind of like talk through how the game progresses because we mentioned piss and that is how the game opens.

Oh, yeah.

It starts and we're from Duke's perspective, we're watching him piss into a urinal and say, this is taking forever.

Yeah, but also, by the way, he says that immediately upon pissing.

He's got like three drops of piss out, and he says, This is taking forever.

I don't know what his expectations are.

I think it's a reference to how long for the game to come on.

Yeah, it's definitely a meta-reference to the game's development cycle, but I feel like his own piss should go on for a little longer before he drops that line.

Otherwise, it doesn't make sense in context.

Yeah, I feel like the game wasn't nearly violent or funny enough to justify his constant attitude.

Like,

if literally everything was killable and everything exploded, then he'd be like, I'd be like,

like, this guy can fucking say whatever he wants.

But it was kind of surprisingly tame.

Yeah.

Yeah, right.

You know, like, you mean, just in terms of, well, I don't know.

Because, like, there are some parts of it that are pretty grim and gruesome.

Like, some H.R.

Giger shit.

Like, the later level where there's all the women trapped in the fucking like a crazy bio shit.

It's like in the Duke Dome.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, that's just like a nightmare.

But they, but they, they're trapped, but they don't explode.

I feel like...

They kind of explode.

I feel like TechnoCop was grosser.

Was more like grody.

Sure.

These were like just big, like triangle-shaped chunks that exploded and

shot them.

There isn't a death animation in this that is as gruesome and gnarly as exists in Technocop, the Genesis game that we played a few weeks back.

But

few things in games are that gruesome.

That's a really, that's a really gristly animation.

Just to give us, just to give a sense of how long this game was in development, Duke Nukem Forever, the title, I found it, is a reference to the 1995 movie Batman Forever.

Oh my God.

So the entire Christopher Nolan trilogy came out, and then this came out afterward.

Or I guess this was just before Rise of the Dark Knight, or the Dark Knight Rises, rather.

So the game starts, Duke is taking a piss, saying this taking forever.

You pick up a shit we mentioned.

So you replay the end of Duke Nukem 3d basically with upgrade craft This is honestly probably one of the best parts of the game just this little boss fight you have in the opening and then you kick his eyeball through a field goal goal posts and then

and then we find that Duke is getting top while playing his own game.

You know, I want to say that

in the opening, it's demonstrative of how little creativity went into the current Duke Nukem game.

Right.

Because like killing

an alien on a football field is like cool and representational and interesting and creative.

Like you hadn't seen that shit in a video game.

And I not really very often since.

No.

But you go from that sequence to like locked in hallways and casino floors.

There's nothing like fucking bat shit from that point forward.

Yeah.

Right.

Because basically Duke owns his own casino.

He lives in a penthouse suite of this casino that he owns.

But like it's like a pretty drab casino.

He's Donald Trump.

I mean, it has a television studio in it.

He has a a

television studio.

He's on the ground floor, I guess.

I got to go downstairs to record a late show, which is then fucking canceled.

Yeah, as soon as you get there, they're like, we're not doing the show, these aliens.

What the hell?

I got to figure out what's going on.

So in this world that he's like, the events of Duke Duke of 3D took place 12 years ago.

He's gotten rich and famous off of it.

He's going to appear on this talk show.

The talk show gets canceled because of an alien attack.

Oh, this is like about the point where there's the, there's this, Matt, we were talking about this before we recorded.

There's the Christian Bale reference you stumble upon.

I have that right here.

Let's see.

So, when he comes from backstage, right, yes,

when he's going to investigate the aliens, he comes across two people doing this.

Oh, this is the guys arguing.

Yeah, fucking amateur.

Are you kidding me?

I'm trying to do a scene with Johnny on the show, and there you are wandering through the set.

You never stop to wonder if it might be distracting with you walking through.

Do you want me to trash your mics?

Would you like me to trash your mics?

You don't fucking get it.

The scene's done.

Now, the rest of the crew left for Duke Burger, and my moment with Johnny is over.

Thanks to the aliens, I'll never get that moment back.

You fucking amateur.

We're done.

We're done professionally, man.

You're a nice guy.

You're a nice guy, but you don't get it.

Fuck.

This is really funny because I didn't get a chance to realize that because I walked into the room and immediately beat this guy.

It's just so crazy because, like, I don't, I can't remember what year that that rant took place.

Because when did that movie come out?

That was, like, probably just a couple years before.

Terminator Salvation.

Yeah, yeah.

At the point that this game came out, that was a dated reference.

It was already a dated reference, but I think it's the newest reference in this game.

It's like the most current one.

The most current one.

Yeah, and it is like,

I don't know.

That's like the level of kind of comedy that you get throughout this game.

It's just like references to other things.

I just want to be clear, though.

We just kind of skip past it a little bit, but

he's getting his dick sucked by two women.

He's getting dome

by sisters.

By the federal sisters, that like it starts, and it starts out, and it's very grand.

Like, you hear like,

slurp, slurp, and then they like pop up and they're like, hey, that was fun.

You know, time's up, Duke.

Duke's canceled.

And it's the wholesome twins.

The wholesome.

They're supposed to be analogous to the Olson twins, but Nick pointed out that they're dressed like Britney Spears in her first video.

Yeah.

It's very weird.

That's right.

Yeah, their wardrobe is from the Hit Me Baby One More Time video.

I thought the weirdest thing was that their heads and necks moved like some kind of joint.

Yeah.

Like instead of like, instead of like turning their head, it was like the hooked, the hooked turn of a snake's face.

Right.

Like it's fucked.

Or like a or like a loose head on a mannequin and you just kind of shake it.

They put all their animation engine into like boob jiggle, and then everything else like seems super duper unnatural.

Yeah, it's uh, yeah, the way all the way all the characters move is very odd.

Duke Nukem was the first time you walk up to a mirror.

The first game, uh, Duke Nukem 3D, was the first time I remember that you could go up to a mirror and see yourself.

I think in a first-person shooter, yeah, that's what I'm saying.

That's pretty fucking crazy.

I like that so much of this game is mirrors, right?

That's still impressive.

Yeah, he's also significantly shorter than most other NPCs.

Like if you can get into a mirror next to a woman or like a dude, he's shorter than that.

Damn, I should get some lifts for my shoes.

One of the NPCs even says, I thought he'd be taller.

Really?

Yeah, you guys, yeah.

Yeah.

My dick's too heavy.

It's dragging me towards the earth.

It's hurting my spine.

So, yeah, then, and then we kind of get into the story for whatever it is.

You go to this talk show.

Duke gets a call from the president and

the general.

It's just a generic president guy.

But right before that, too,

in order to get to his observatory area, which is very weird, he leaves the...

Oh, yeah.

He leaves the studio, which is on the basement floor.

He gets in an elevator, goes all the way up to the top, and then he has to take a picture of a fan sitting

on a throne so that then he can sit on the throne and then go back down

to the bottom of the uh of the building it's an impractical layout yeah like the throne is like the secret entrance into the into his little uh bat cave or whatever like duke cave i guess you'd call it duke also has a big

it's not what is it it's not big enough to be a pool but it's too large to be a bathtub in his living room he just has some standing water in his living room

it's strange um yeah and so like yeah

that that's the whole and it's things like I don't know if that boosts your ego either taking a picture of the fan.

I don't think it's a game.

It doesn't boost your

teaches you no mechanic in the game that you need to know.

It's ridiculous.

It's a delay.

It's just like it's like they went through it.

They're like, fuck, we got to add like stuff to make this longer.

Because the game itself is only four or five hours long.

Like it's a short game considering that it took 12 fucking years.

And I spent 10 minutes trying to fight that guy in the throne.

I clearly have to beat this guy up because I just beat that other dude up for no reason.

It is the kind of thing because, you know, like, I feel like the what's established in Duke Nukem 3D is you could do kind of that kind of shit where it's like you could kind of break puzzles by like just like, I'll fucking just kill this guy instead of figuring out what he wants.

And like this doesn't really have that same sense of fun.

Oh fuck, I forgot.

My favorite part in this opening sequence is when you go down to do the talk show and there's like a mom with a little son.

Oh, yeah.

And they're like, can you sign our book?

Oh, yeah.

And then they give you control over Duke's hand.

Yes.

But it's poor control.

Horrible control.

So the swastika that I drew looked ridiculous.

I love the idea, though, that in-game they're like, oh my God, it's Duke Nukem.

And then they stare at him for 45 seconds.

Yeah.

That was there when they were developing it.

They were like, this is our mirrors, guys.

This is it.

This is going to be it.

Yeah.

Because you can actually do that earlier in the game.

Right, on the whiteboard.

On the whiteboard.

And while you're also doing that horribly, there's like background vocals of a guy going, wow, cool.

That looks good.

And on that time, at that time, I drew a penis.

So then

Duke starts fighting the alien orders.

And here's what I would say is that like...

The combat is mostly okay,

but there's so many sections of like platforming and just like and turrets, You know, we mentioned uh before we started recording, there's just so many sections that just like really bog down this kind of throwback shooter gameplay that could just be a lot of fun if it was just that.

Yeah, you don't for a game where that used to be called Duke of Duke Nukem 3D, and you could go anywhere and move around, so much his fucking game is locking you into a single position where you can't strafe, you can't move, you just like fucking target practice, right?

It sucks.

Um, so you so uh Duke was so Duke is fighting through everyone.

Oh, he gets shrunk at one point in here.

Yeah,

this part is fucking

here's the thing: the this platforming sucks when you're shrunk, like it's it's really super duper unfun, but then it's also fucking disgusting because the women are horny for little Duke, like tiny action figure-sized Duke gets these women all horned up.

Here we go.

I got a clip right here.

These are your two girlfriends.

You're so tiny and cute.

I could carry you around in my pocket like a little pet.

Your hot pocket.

I mean, the point of being this small is just to look up her skirt.

That's what this person in the playthrough is doing.

You just, you,

and I did, and there's nothing.

Like, if you're going to set that up in a game where there are, like...

Full-tittied aliens and tits on a wall that you can slap.

Yes.

Why wouldn't you render a bush?

Or a shaven bush.

Oh, sure.

Like any fucking thing.

It's just camel tone.

It's just two legs that jam up into a pelvis with nothing.

Yeah.

Just got a high five.

Why?

Why did I do that?

Yeah, just in an endless abyss underneath a mini skirt.

And it is like,

but it's, I don't know.

I was extra unsettled by, like, like the boob wall is obviously upsetting, but I was extra unsettled by the idea of these women.

And there's another woman earlier.

There's a mom who wants to put Dook in her vagina.

And it's like,

what?

Oh, I know exactly where I'd put you, Duke.

I'd put your whole body in my vagina.

I don't think I could breathe.

That's fixi.

Sounds great.

Well, I'll give it a shot.

Is this fun?

I don't think this is fun for me.

I feel like once he got, because he gets shrunk for no reason, right?

He just suddenly is shrunk.

I wish that the entire, like he had looked down, seen the tiny, tiny penis that he now had, and the ego meter had just started draining.

And so you had to like run.

Yeah.

Oh, that's fun.

And to get big.

Right.

Like, otherwise, why fucking make him small?

What was the fucking.

Also, you have to drive a remote control car.

Yes.

Oh, that part sucks so bad.

The vehicles actually are maybe my least favorite thing in this.

That fucking, like, it was, it feels like a bunch of people had a spreadsheet and they were just like, I don't know, like, fuck, what if he was small for part of it?

Yeah, yeah.

And what if he drove a car for part of it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What if you could only carry two guns?

Okay.

Yeah.

The shrink rare was in Duke Nukem 3D, and it was kind of like, it was like a fun, cool, like, new novelty gimmick weapon, but it, but it was like fun to shriek enemies and then you could step on them.

Here it's like you shrink yourself, and then it's just like, well, what am I?

This isn't what's the power fantasy here.

You know what I mean?

Like,

there's skirts.

I guess so, yeah, but you can't even do that.

Um, so uh,

I got glitched into death several times during the driving sequence.

What version were you playing?

PS3, you were playing Colton.

Were you playing the Xbox?

Xbox, uh, yeah, the Xbox backwards compatibility.

I was on PC, so yeah, and I think I think the PC version is the best version.

It's been patched, so it's a little less glitchy than the console version.

I was driving the car, and the car tipped over, and all of a sudden, Duke went, oh!

His heart stopped.

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So then, after the, he's fighting through the casino, he's aliens are abducting women, his pop star girlfriends get abducted.

So he has to make his way to the Duke Dome, which is where the section, this is the, he has a, oh, there's this, this, this interaction you have with these guys out on top of a shipping container, yeah, right.

Okay,

so so much of the game,

I don't even it's just waiting, it's just watching dialogue, yeah, it's watch, yeah.

So, when you have a dialogue sequence, it's not like run and gun, it's not like a dude's talking to you like gear style while you're fucking making your way through a horde of enemies.

You're literally like standing, like there's a part where you like meet the general in front of an elevator, and he fucking talks for like 20 minutes, so much exposition, just talks and Nothing.

He's like, wow, Duke, I'm really sorry about this.

This was a big misunderstanding.

And like, you're just like, you are a human man with a gun extended and you're just like walking down the hallway.

Like, you can't kill anything.

No, yeah, you can't kill those.

It would be nice if there was like even just like a Duke quip button that you could just hit to just have him say like, shut up.

Yeah.

Muke was a bad choice.

Just whatever he wanted to rattle off just to kill the kill time in those sections.

Actually, we shouldn't.

I don't know if we've played any of Duke's actual voice acting by John St.

John.

Okay, do we have a hand?

Do we have a Duke soundboard or anything?

Yeah, I have this right here.

Okay, here we go.

So I'm just going to pick some classics here.

Not my babes.

Not in my town.

Who's your daddy now?

Oh, boy.

Suck it down.

So some of these are from the original game, and some of them are from the new game.

Yeah.

That's one dead space marine.

Heck, come get some.

All right.

That's not cool.

What's that?

What's if it leads?

I can kill it.

Oh, that one's in this one.

Yes, it is.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hail to the king, baby.

Just a line from Robert Darkness.

Balls of steel.

Yeah.

I mean, so.

Have a taste of my ball.

Click on the one next to it.

My ball's your face.

That's like it.

I think they have a taste of my ball is when he jams a wrecking ball, he slams a wrecking ball into the Duke Dome.

I think that's when

that quip is

uttered.

It's not, so it's not satire.

No.

The thing is, these kinds of lines would be in a Grand Theft Auto game, but it would be like, and now

let's interview the dumbest fucker on earth.

And then you like to fucking talk to the guy.

This is like serious.

I mean, it's satirically serious, but it's serious.

It's like a power fantasy that it doesn't have any awareness.

It is very much like for, it's like an 11-year-old boy's dream game.

Like you get to play as this badass guy with muscles who every woman wants to have sex with and you get to piss constantly and get you know get drunk.

You get to have sex with the women and also kill them.

And also kill them, yeah, later kill them.

Yeah, we, by the way, so you can drink beer in this game and get beer goggles, which makes you what it makes you like

less vulnerable, right?

Or harder to hit.

I forget exactly what it is.

To resist damage.

Resist damage.

That's the way it was point.

Resist it.

So you take less damage with the beer goggles, but you just drink one beer, and then he's just like drunk.

Faded.

He's fucked up.

So Duke, like Duke Nukem 3D, this ultimate badass who's the most famous man in the world, gets drunk off of one beer and comes in like 20 seconds.

He also has a fancy bar with only three different kinds of alcohol,

but like hundreds of bottles out there.

Right.

Oh, by the way, speaking of illicit substances,

there's a cigarette machine that I, you, you pointed out, Heather, this detail to me that I didn't pick up.

This is fucked.

So you go up to a cigarette machine and I'm like, oh, cool.

You can put it, you can pull the thing and get cigarettes out.

And one of the cigarettes is just called FAGS.

And it's got a picture of like.

Of a leather daddy.

A leather daddy.

No way.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This came out in 2011.

And we were only in Obama's first term.

We're still figuring stuff out.

You can also take it differently.

You can take steroids

in the game.

Right.

But they aren't, it's not cool.

Like, if I'm going to take steroids in a game and then punch something, that thing should explode in a new way.

Right.

You'd want that to be, that should be an awesome sort of thing that's happening if you're going to glorify that.

But it's not really.

It's not really any fun.

And then, so, yeah, so the Duke Dome, the Duke Dome is where you have the infamous boob wall where it is like just like tits in a wall, like covered with like weird,

what the fuck do you call that?

The weird organic organic material it's like an alien yeah there's weird like sort of slime and tendrils connecting it ectoplasm ectoplasm yeah and you can kind of you can you can bat around the titties ectoplasm from ghosts okay it's not ectoplasm

they they bounce i i couldn't figure they don't do anything right they no it just gives you an ego boost and and then they they but they also make a sound like the the ship itself is like

like that oh jeez

right yeah it's fucking horrifying man i will say that if it was well-rendered, the idea of like coming across one of those impregnated, egg-filled alien women who are like built into a wall.

And they're like,

there's so much to say.

One of the women that you find who's

full of alien eggs is like, Duke, just give me a week.

I'll lose the weight and then we can fuck.

Yeah.

Yeah,

it's horrifying.

So and then there's this alien queen boss you fight in this level who's just like a he's she's a giant like alien woman, but she's got three, she's topless and she has three breasts, and they're like exposed and jiggling, and you shoot her a bunch of times.

Um, oh, Duke says, damn, she makes me wish I had three guns.

I guess to so he can use a different one to shoot each chick.

Imagine having a writer's room for 12 years

and you're just trying to beat that joke and you're like, but there's, there's no way to beat it.

You can't beat it, man.

No, that's that's locked in.

Um, uh, And then the fucking, it just keeps going.

You go to the Hoover Dam.

You've got this monster truck driving sequence that sucks.

And then

you have to blow up the dam.

There's this underwater level, which is one of the more annoying sequences in the game.

Yeah.

And then...

So the president, you find out, I mean, this is super duper telegraphed.

The president's been working with the cycloid emperor the whole time.

He's working with the aliens.

Well, because he told Duke to step down.

He told Duke to step down.

Oh, also, by the way, I don't know if we touched on this, but when the president is saying, Duke, telling Duke to step down, he's saying, We can't go in there guns blazing, just assuming they have WMDs.

Yeah.

So,

this is analogous to the Iraq war.

Duke is the good guy just wanting to go in.

We got to go in and kill everyone.

And then the president is like urging caution.

Like, we should make sure this thing is for real first.

We're supposed to side with him.

So, in the Duke Nukem universe, the Iraq war happened the way it happened.

And then

they blow up the dam.

Oh, and then the end of this game is,

and Heather, Phil in, if there's any details I missed in here as I kind of spilled through this.

I want to point out that this game has all the environments available to your imagination, and you spend most of the fucking game in construction sites, in like empty parking lots, in featureless fucking hallways, and in ducts.

Even I mean, there is the dream sequence where you're just in a strip club.

It's a fucking dream sequence, though.

Why not put it canonically in the game?

Yeah, exactly.

Why isn't there just a little oasis he can go to and

see some real boobs?

Not these dream boobs.

Like, why wouldn't you just, like, you're fucking shooting everywhere?

And then he's like, oh, yeah, it's at strip joints.

And then you just, like, go in.

I'd be fine with that.

In his dream, Duke gets sucked off in a glory hole and it like raises his ego.

Yeah.

And he's just like, this is fucking disgusting.

I'm supposed to empathize with this guy like using a fucking glory hole in a strip club bathroom.

This is foul.

Also, you're not trying to kick shame anyone.

You have to do like a, like a, like a fetch quest to get a lap dance.

Yeah, right.

You have to get like popcorn and a vibrator and stuff.

And it cuts away before the lap dance.

And then so you get to the end of the game.

The president gets killed.

You have to kill the cycloid emperor.

They nuke the Hoover Dam.

Everyone thinks Duke is dead.

And then Duke says, what kind of shit ending is that?

I ain't dead.

I'm coming back for more.

And then they roll the credits.

So it's like,

and then you get this post-credit sequence.

By the way, this game loves the number 420 and the number 69, used all the time.

Of course, it does.

Used liberally.

The two funny numbers are used a lot.

And so there's this post-credit scene after the credits roll, and Duke says he's running for president.

And if you see the order of succession, the previous president was the 68th.

So he'd be the 69th president

also

considering this is from 20 2011 and it's a blonde-haired dude who loves hot chicks right and he's got a casino and he's also he there's photos of him with a worldwide red wrestling belt on like his wall like it's clearly trumpian

and the fact like the fact that Duke Nukem forever predicted Trump being president

is fucking crazy.

It's the craziest part of the game is that he at the end is like, I'm going to run for president.

I mean, he is what Donald Trump thinks he looks.

He definitely is.

Donald Trump looks in a mirror and sees Duke Nukem and says, Damn, I'm looking good.

Taste my ball.

I'm going to piss for a long time.

Trump probably does piss for a long time, but it's a prostate issue.

It's probably very thick.

Let's talk about the multiplayer mode real quick.

I didn't mess around with this.

I watched a little bit of footage of it.

But there's not a lot of people still playing.

Yeah, there's surprisingly not much of a player base for Duke of Brepper in 2018.

One of the modes is Capture the Babe, which is Capture the Flag, but you grab a woman, put her over your shoulder.

Yeah.

Okay, and then

slap her ass a bunch.

So that's how that works.

Jesus.

Dude, just cancel.

Do you guys think that it's better?

So I'm, I don't know what, is it better or worse when it's that overt?

Because I feel like it's almost better than if it's like, thank you so much.

I'm in your debt forever.

And it's like a sweetheart and you're like, oh, you're a trophy woman.

Right.

Whereas if it's literally like, get on my shoulder.

I'm going to slap your ass while I run.

Like, that feels like less problematic because it feels genre specific.

Right.

I get what you're saying excellent

genre

horny

bad game and then wait this was another thing you pointed out Heather there's a so in the multiplayer mode you can upgrade your apartment oh this is fucked up Dukes digs and this apartment it basically as far as you can upgrade the apartment goes you just get more you get different women of different ethnicities

and furniture and different and furniture yeah yeah so uh oh boy so this is we'll play a little bit of this.

This is a sound of uh one of the women uh that you can collect and and put in your house.

Okay, this is like R.

Kelly mode.

Got some pork for my little sweet and sour.

Oh, you have big lumpy back pockets.

I give you big lumpy front pocket.

Oh, God.

She's got cat ears.

Anybody mind if I take off my pants?

Yeah.

Duke, you want Akuda Pancha?

First, I stick at you, then maybe you stick at me.

Um, this is

it's worse, it's worse.

Oh, no, it gets worse.

Okay, I promise I'm not too buku for you, baby.

Mr.

Doksan,

I give you

Shiatsu massage now.

All right, worse.

Sounds nice.

If you supply the dancing, I'll supply the pole.

I have a hungery.

You have a big egg roll for me, Duke.

Duke?

Time to up the ante and feed the kitty.

Who wants some wang?

Not me.

I want some duke.

Here's the thing.

She's wearing cat ears.

They didn't have to make her this heavily accented Asian stereotype, pan-Asian stereotype.

No specific Asian ethnicity given there.

And she says san, though, so it's got to be a Japanese girl.

But she's also referencing egg rolls, which is a Chinese dish.

Yeah, but they have egg rolls.

I mean, you can get them there, yeah.

To me, it's just like it's sort of, I don't, I don't think it's as dialed in as being not as accurate as it is.

It should have been more accurate.

No, but what I'm saying, my issue is like they could have just done a bunch of cat puns.

It could have just been a bunch of there's so many sexual things you could do.

That's for fucking you, David.

Yeah, man.

What are you talking?

You'd be fired from the writer's room immediately.

Oh, man.

I wish they'd had like animal animal puns while I was trying to jerk off.

None of the girls were minions.

That would have made it more fun.

Yeah, so and that's basically all it is.

You upgrade this apartment and you have women who are in there who you can talk to and they deliver like three one-liners apiece.

And I do think, because when I first looked at the game, I got a little confused because I didn't know if it had a connection to G.I.

Joe.

Yeah.

Because Duke Nukem looks like Duke from G.I.

Joe.

Right.

He really does.

It's not.

No, I think it's just like he's Duke from G.I.

Joe.

He's Kurt Russell from Big Trouble in Little China.

He's Ash from Army of Darkness.

He's just like, he's Arnold from

every Schwarzenegger movie, just kind of crammed together.

Holy shit, we just pulled up photos of Duke from G.I.

Joe, and he looks exactly like Duke from G.I.

Joe.

He looks a lot like him.

Holy shit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There's not a lot of.

I mean, he's not wearing a tank top, but, you know,

he basically looks like, but Duke's a a nice guy.

Duke would never do these things.

No, he's not,

he's not lewd and lascivious.

Yeah, and the game just is a bunch of IP theft.

And that's pretty much all there is to it.

I mean, a game that took 15 years to develop, it's something that you get tired of in about 15 minutes.

But it's time for our thoughts.

It's time for the review crew.

So we're each going to go around, say something positive, and give this game a numerical decimal rating, one positive thing that we can think of, as difficult as it may be.

And I'll say this.

The load times in this game are very, very, very long.

And you spend a lot of time looking at the loading screens.

However,

however,

back-handed compliment.

There are little jokes at the bottom that are most of the loading screen that you can look at and study and memorize.

And most of them are bad.

But one I liked, which was,

if you get

a hint, if you get stuck, you can cheat by finding a guide on the internet.

I was like, oh, that's kind of fun.

You thought that was a good joke?

I thought it was the best joke I saw in the game.

I like that it said, just said, you could cheat by looking at a guide.

I like the one that was like, if you fall from a ledge and die, it was probably your fault.

Yes, yeah, that's fun too.

So I'm going to give this,

let's see, I'll give this a 1.0

divided by,

I'll bust out my calculator app.

I should be able to do this fraction, but I'm not trusting my brain right now.

1.0 divided by 15 years of development.

That's a 0.06 repeating.

That's my score.

Heather, go ahead.

Let's see.

I,

you know, oh, God.

The odd.

I.

Boy.

There's not, there's nothing.

Like, you can pick up a poop and throw it and it doesn't do anything.

And I appreciate that somebody somewhere was like, oh, you should be able to pick up that poop.

And then somebody else was like, okay.

And it's like, what should you do with it?

Should it damage the alien?

No.

Just you should be able to throw it.

And they went, yes.

And then they programmed a poop that you can pick up.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Sometimes it's good to look at a jiggling titty.

That's nice too.

Sure.

If there's three of them, even better.

Yeah.

Fucking, I.

All right.

I'm going to give it a 1.0

divided by 3.

Okay.

What is that?

That's just a 0.33.

Yeah, that's

a 0.3.

Okay.

Matt Apodaga.

So yeah, the game is bad.

I had a bad time playing it.

It made me nauseous to play because I don't do well with first-person shooters either.

Yes.

But

this is the funniest thing that I've ever heard.

Have a taste of my ball.

So,

on that,

I'll give it a solid one.

No, no,

no division.

Wow, 1.0 even.

All right.

Colton Dunn, something positive, your score.

Yeah, you know what?

Something positive about this game.

I think it is good that as a culture, we have examples of what not to do

and where we don't want to go back to.

I think there's nothing positive about this game.

I think it's a sexist

game that

is not good and

makes it hard for people who want to be in video game culture to spread it to other people.

So it's a bad, bad game.

Shitty character.

I did have fun peeing in the toilet.

And

as we talked about earlier, like introducing someday my daughter to video games.

I hope she never sees this game unless it's part of a lesson of what not to do.

I give this a 1.0 divided by 69, which is 0.01449275.

Wow.

Wow.

Okay.

This game was very, very poorly received by us, but not by everybody, because Heather, maybe we're wrong.

Yeah, maybe we're wrong, Nick.

There are some positive reviews of Duke Nukem, even though it's rotten on Rotten Tomatoes and like less than 50% on Metacredit.

It's like 40-something, yeah.

It fucking sucks, baby.

What does it say on Reddit?

But

I have a quote here from

Holy Wraith from seven years ago on a forum.

I'm a little late, but I saw Duke Nukem Forever, Balls of Steel for sale at the game store, and I gave in and bought it.

I started playing so far.

I really like this game.

The only bad thing I see is the long loading times.

The humor goes really well with the action.

I can't wait to try it online.

So from now on,

I will never trust another game review or read hate threads again.

Wow.

Wow.

I would love to check in with that guy.

See if he held to that old

hate thread.

Underneath one of the replies is: I agree, it's a good game.

People that rate it horrible are jaded, spoiled little bitches.

Oh my God.

Yeah, this guy learned the lesson of the game.

This is a user review on Metacritic from JD Nader.

I really enjoyed it.

Isn't that what it's all about?

Probably not these days.

There's plenty to enjoy, like the small and simple distractions that break up the game nicely and prevent it from being just another mindless shooter.

Yeah, okay, the graphics suck big time.

Big time, all caps, hence the nine.

But just as I enjoyed things like Portal, Crisis, and COD, I enjoyed this too.

I look forward to the sequel.

To all the haters, not the ones who gave it a fair shot and honestly don't like it.

If I wanted to listen to an asshole, I would have farted.

Duke quote, haha, nine out of ten.

Okay, let's just point out that

it lost one point for shitty graphics in a video game?

That's the only strike against it, as far as JD Nader is concerned.

50% of what it's called, the video game.

The video is shitty.

And this game, it really looks bad.

I don't think we quite dwelled on that enough.

I mean, it looked dated for its time, which was one thing, but it's just like, it's just ugly.

Duke Nukem 3D was like colorful.

Even the platformers were colorful and fun, and the world felt alive.

This is just so drab and bland and gray and brown.

One of the games you said that came out when Duke Nukem Forever came out was Batman Arkham City.

And that, like, those Arkham games look incredible.

Yeah.

They're so well built.

And, like,

they're obviously a darker palette as well.

But, like, compared to Duke Nukem, that thing looks like the freaking Mona Lisa.

Skyrim.

Skyrim.

Oh, yeah.

Skyrim.

Yeah.

Come on.

Those are games with great aesthetic, great art direction.

This one, unfortunately, doesn't have it.

Heather?

All right.

This is from a forum.

This is a real post.

Oh, boy.

So allow me to weigh in as someone who's beaten the game.

First off, it's funny.

I say this without self-consciousness, since what's essential to understanding the humor here is being clued into the fact that Duke, far from being the irreverent

philanderer whose cult of personality has entranced even his own designers prescribed by Jim Sterling, is actually more of a postmodernist, this is spinal tap-style joke, something most critics, hilariously, not to mention characteristically, ignored in their heady game of

one-upsmanship to determine who could most obnoxiously trumpet the fact that they were above such bawdy humor.

That's a post that is many pages long.

Oh my God.

This is filling up your phone screen.

Many pages long.

Jesus Christ.

Four-point text.

By the poster Ezra Pound, which is a reference to the 1920s poet from Paris, who I believe was a fascist as well.

Yeah, probably.

This guy is now in the cabinet of the

I like this one from this is an Amazon review from Art Ferguson.

The title is Love This Game.

And here's the full review.

I like five stars.

I should note, like has three E's.

So I don't know.

Hey, it's time for the question block.

Okay, so this question is from Instagram.

It's from Kaskander.

If you had to eat at a Duke Nukem Forever-themed restaurant bar, what dishes, drinks would you likely see there?

I mean, you got to have some sort of pulled pork sandwich that's called like the pig cop, like special or something like that, right?

Beer.

Beer.

Yeah, definitely have some beer.

A very tall glass of yellow liquid.

Hot lemonade.

Just trough urinals in the bedroom and see everyone piss.

Yeah, I think there's like there's a lot of, I mean, the freeze gun is a big thing.

Some sort of like fun frozen drink or something, I'm sure, could be an element.

Oh, you know what?

Really tiny, I bet you get like tiny sliders, like shrunken sliders.

He also eats like bags of chips or popcorn, doesn't he?

Yeah, he does.

Yeah, so like some of that shit.

Yeah, you can, you can boost your, this is the thing, like, you can boost your ego by like playing an entire game of pool, and like, which is like really a pain in the ass because the physics are really annoying.

Or you can just make a bag of microwave popcorn and that does that, that has the same effect.

There's no like, oh, why is one thing raising your ego?

Yeah.

I want to say, as somebody who went to the Dragon Quest-themed bar in Tokyo and had to wait in line multiple nights in order to get in,

and it was packed, that the Duke Nukem Forever-themed restaurant bar would be completely empty.

Also, the Dragon Quest bar stuck.

I don't know.

This next question is from Beardy McWhisker.

Which is worse, bad gameplay or Unwatchable Story?

This game had both.

This had both.

Yeah.

I mean, to me, bad gameplay is the worst because,

you know, Unwatchable Story, okay, I could check out.

I could do something else.

If the gameplay is cool, then I don't really care about the

Unwatchable Story.

Final Fantasy games have great gameplay and terrible stories.

Take that back.

Take that back.

You just skip the...

I mean, I don't.

No.

Yeah.

But, like,

none of that shit makes sense.

I think of Dev.

And this might actually Devil May Cry fan.

Minister may be mad at me, but like, Devil May Cry 1 just has really bad, like, the cutscenes are just, I don't, they're super overwrought.

I don't think the voice acting is very good, but the gameplay is like pretty tight and fun.

And certainly in the sequels, it's even better.

Yeah.

Oh, you know what?

Castlevania Symphony Tonight is a good example.

The voice acting at the start of in the cutscenes in Castlevania Symphony Night is so bad, but that game is so fucking good.

But yeah, for sure.

You want great gameplay triumphs over all else.

Nice.

We have consensus.

Oh, I want to answer the next one.

Okay, so this is from At Papa Fink.

What was or is your personal longest-awaited game sequel?

Last of Us 2,

which is now, I think,

seven years, six years?

Yeah, that's been since.

It's five years since the launch of Remastered.

So it has to be at least six years since the game came out.

Wow.

Yeah.

I've heard it's really good, guys.

Oh, wow.

Fucking heard that.

Yeah, I'm trying to think.

I mean, honestly, I think I'm thinking of it in little kid terms because for me, I think it was Super Mario Bros.

2.

Because learning that they were making Super Mario Bros.

2 and just the anticipation for, it didn't take that long for them to, you know, reskin Doki Doki Panic and release it in the States.

But I was like, I was so excited about that game and I could not believe how long it was taking for it to eventually come out.

And then when I eventually got it, it was just like so like exciting for me.

So, yeah, I think it was just like the passage of time for an eight-year-old was what that was.

Colton, do you have an answer?

Any long-awaited sequels for me?

Oh, yeah, Destiny 2.

Oh, yeah, okay.

Did that deliver on your expectations?

It did.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I thought it was great.

You know, and it showed up right on time, right when I was really done with Destiny 1, and it

continues to expand and do well.

Right.

Oh, I've got one more.

Yeah.

Final Fantasy Versus, which became Final Fantasy XV, was announced in 2007 and came out in 2017.

Right.

Wow.

I cut my hair like Noctis in 2007 and had forgotten that I did it.

Mine was Kingdom Hearts 3.

Oh, right.

That took a long time.

That took your entire life.

Yeah.

Because I was a, I was a, yeah, I am as, I'm like twice as old as I was when Kingdom Hearts 2 came out.

That's insane.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And boy, Kingdom Hearts 2 is so good.

It's great.

It's a near-perfect video game, and then Kingdom Hearts 3 certainly is out.

Love to tackle that at some point.

Yeah.

What else you got, man?

Let's see.

Who would you cast as Duke in a Duke movie?

That's from Shampooler.

Oh, yeah, from Shampooler.

You can't shampoo a Shampooler.

I mean, it just, I think it just,

I think it just is,

it so clearly is like Kurt Russell.

Like, I guess like a younger Kurt Russell.

Nowadays, I'm not sure what you'd do with it.

you know, what you'd have to do?

I think you'd have to cast like a some, you'd have to make it self-aware in order for this movie to work now.

It would have to be kind of an Austin Powers fish out of water sort of take where people were like, oh, like Duke had someone pointing out, like, hey, man, that's not cool anymore.

You know, I would, I would cast, I would make his hair blonde and I'd cast De Niro and have it set during the twilight of Duke's life

and have it be like unlike super serious for him.

Right.

Unnecessarily serious.

Yes.

Where a guy like considers that he had everything and nothing ever gave him joy.

Yeah.

Because Duke never says the word love in this game.

Wow.

I would cast Alan Richardson.

Oh, Jesus.

Yeah, that's him.

That's a jacked guy.

Wow.

Yeah.

Helix Crown Richardson from Blue Mountain State.

Oh, there you go.

Laser Team.

Oh, there you go.

Which also has a big fight scene in a stadium.

Ooh, wow.

How about that?

And hey, I guess we might as well

get into your plugs at this point, Colton.

Laser Team.

Thank you for joining us.

What else would you like to promote at this time?

Oh, you know what?

I just think everybody, if you check out Jam Space, check out Voyage to the Stars, and if you like watching television, you can check out Superstore coming out this fall, Thursdays at 8 p.m.

on NBC.

Nice.

Very, very cool.

Heather, I guess we're,

I guess.

Damn, that was a pretty good episode.

Only thing for me to do now is go take a big piss, then pull some shit out of that toilet.

I'm gonna cut off my dick and look at it.

Matt, what's next week's game?

Next week's game is the fourth entry in the Mass Effect series: Mass Effect Andromeda.

Suck my bus.