518: Early Warning

This is Bethany Frankl from Just Be with Bethany Frankl.

Let me tell you something: most dog food, scam, kibble, trash, garbage.

So, why would I want to give that to my furry babies, biggie and smalls?

My dogs love Just Fresh from Just Food for Dogs.

It is made with human-grade ingredients, balanced, healthy, and shelf-stable.

You can throw a pouch in the purse in the car in a weekender bag, and your furry friends eat fresh wherever you are.

You will notice the difference.

Get 50% off your first order, just foodfordogs.com.

Clean up your skincare routine with Primale Pure Natural Skincare Products, offering cleansers, moisturizers, and masks, plus deodorants and tallow-based items.

Organic, wild-crafted, and regeneratively grown whenever possible, Primale Pure's products contain no chemicals, fragrances, or fillers, just pure, clean beauty.

Head to PrimalyPure.com.

That's P-R-I-M-A-L-L-Y-P-U-R-E.com.

Inexperience skincare that nourishes you within.

But yeah, but he does all of this shit, explains how Jupiter's alignment is going to give us a bunch of extra gravity.

Meanwhile, we cut to the fucking bad guys outside.

They've fallen asleep and are snoring like a couple of fucking cartoon characters.

Again,

the violent shift in tone from, and then God will bring forth the fires of Hades to

God-awful

movie

movies.

Welcome back to the Gamcast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because who wants to make it to their deathbed with only mild regrets?

I'm your host, No Illusions.

Heath is off this week, but sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick.

Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir?

We're back in the 80s.

Fucking yeah, we are.

And let's not linger.

We're also excited to welcome in a brand new guest masochist.

Paul is one half of the That Aged Well podcast, a podcast exploration of the movies that make us us, or made them them, I guess.

Paul, welcome to God Awful Movies.

Well, boys, thank you for having me.

This has been a unique experience watching this movie.

And you know what?

One I would not trade because it really, we say on our podcast sometimes that the movie we're watching is terrible.

And we're right, but it's a whole new.

sub-basement that you've discovered.

Yes, yes.

Every terrible movie you've ever watched just got elevated in a way that you didn't

respond.

Now, it's unique for you, but like we've watched 137 of this exact same movie, which is

why we have to bring you on board to say some new shit.

And I have, I do have some questions for you guys in the middle of us being like, do you know where this is going?

Because I'm at the edge of my seat.

Like, where is this film going to go?

Oh,

I was so delighted reading over that on the nose.

I'm excited to get to it.

But first, we'll stick with the format here.

Tell us, Paul, what will we be breaking down today?

Today, we watched 1981's Early Warning, which is about how you absolutely fuck your tubi algorithm by watching this first.

When you download this app and make, I have to find actual gay porn on this app to watch in order to make this non-hoon salted earth.

But in all seriousness, it is a story of it's a good Christian woman.

who she knows the end of days is right around the corner.

She's really diligent about getting the word out about it.

She wants to spread the word, get more people converted, have them avoid burning in hellfire for eternity.

And then she gets digmatized, like Ariel and the Little Mermaid.

And

this intrepid reporter suddenly enters the scene.

The movie splits into like half a romantic comedy and half a portentious warning about the impending apocalypse.

And half a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

It's so weird where this movie goes.

Sure does.

And Eli, how bad was this movie?

Well, if you love the battastic apocalypse films we've covered several dozen times on this show, but you wish they contained more national lampoon-esque shenanigans,

you will love this movie.

So regular listeners to our show will know this, but Paul, I want to welcome you into our world.

I mean, Noah, do you have a running count of how many apocalypses we have witnessed?

No, no, I guess.

It's dozens.

We have witnessed dozens of apocalypses on this show.

But I will will say, this is the apocalypse we have witnessed with the most brevity.

Because

very near a comedy about the Christian apocalypse

belongs in this movie more than all the other ones combined.

Yeah.

Like, hey, waka, waka, in the middle of the episode.

What is happening?

Right.

But also very serious.

You should turn your life over to Jesus.

Yes.

So, and hey, quick before we dive in any further, I have to let the listeners know that we've got another live record to announce.

We're going to be coming to beautiful New Orleans, Louisiana, for the first time ever on September 27th.

Get your tickets at godawfulmovieslive.com.

And yes, platinum night tickets are available if you want to hang out with us and play games and shit tonight before godawfulmovieslive.com or look for a link in the show notes.

All right, so with that out of the way, is there anything that you want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at?

I would like to nominate best worst score.

Okay,

the score of this movie is Sally Field and Sybil.

Everything we talked about, like the whiplash, is also in the auditory experience of it.

Like it was, oh, yeah.

It is wild and frankly very entertaining.

Like really enjoyed it.

There's an element of like, remember back in the days of iPods when like the wrong person would shuffle on the like communal speaker or whatever?

Yeah.

And you're just like, what the fuck is that?

Why is there suddenly a Disney cartoon song in the middle of us?

What is happening here?

So, okay.

So, I want to go with best worst final line.

Oh,

yes.

It's now it's not the actual last line of the movie because the idiots who watched this movie, like the test screening of this movie, were like, but I don't like it if he dies.

So, they have to put in like a news article, like a news guy going, and by the way, he didn't die.

He's fine.

So, so that's the actual last line.

But the last line that was in the original script is one of the greatest god-awful movie moments of all time.

Oh, big time.

Talk Talk about a tease.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I'm going to go with best, worst, outdated Christian pseudoscience.

So I went down a deep rabbit hole about one of the pieces of crazy in this movie.

I bet I know which one.

And it makes me so happy.

It shows what a bear trap believing in this bullshit really is a mere 40 or 50 years later.

Well, yeah, that's the thing, right?

Because it's one of those things where it's like, well, you know, either our religion is correct and the world is going to end in two years or neither of those things are true.

It's one of those kind of things.

Yeah.

So, all right.

Well,

the any second now rapture clock has been ticking since 1981.

So we're going to keep the break brief and hopefully we'll be able to make it back before that happens for the breakdown.

Pilates?

No.

Zumba?

Same teacher, and she's always like, when am I going to see you at Pilates again?

Oh, I hate that.

Yeah, no, that's going to go there.

Hey, guys, what you doing?

Oh, I'm trying to help Paul find a good workout class at our gym.

You guys go to the same gym?

Yeah, but these classes all get the same so quickly.

It's really a drag.

Jump aerobics?

No, I'm scared of trampolines.

Interesting.

Guys, if you want a workout that's always changing with your goals, you should try Fitbod.

What's Fitbod?

Fitbod is an app that creates a personalized workout routine based on your goals, fitness level, and available equipment.

An app can do all that?

It sure can, Paul.

Plus, workouts adapt to your growth, so each workout is challenging enough to push you to make progress.

I don't know, No Illusions.

Have you actually tried it?

I sure have.

I tried out Fitbod when they first became a sponsor.

I love how I could follow along with the beginner workouts when I got started, and then I could take things up a notch when I got more experience.

That's why I, No Illusions, personally endorse Fitbod.

All right, Noah, I'm sold.

Where do I sign up?

Get in shape this summer with Fitbod.

Join Fitbod today to get your personalized workout plan.

Get 25% off your subscriptions or try the app for free for seven days at fitbod.me/slash slash gam.

That's f-i-t-b-o-d dot me slash gam.

Ooh, what about Tybo?

Actually, Eli is banned for trying to dojo storm them.

You tried to dojo storm a Tybo class?

I was admittedly confused about their claims.

I see.

I see.

Okay.

Okay, everyone.

Welcome to the first Writer's Room meeting for early warning.

Woo!

Woohoo!

So you guys know the drill here.

This is going to be an action-packed spy thriller where our protagonists try to stop the Antichrist's rise to power during the end times.

Hey, question?

Yes, Steve, what's up?

The Bible says the Antichrist is going to rise to power.

Oh, yeah, it sure does.

Yeah.

So why would a Christian try to fight it?

Well, because he's...

He's evil.

Right, right, right.

But the prophecy says they're going to fail.

so why wouldn't they just you know chill and be christian oh yeah that makes a ton of sense okay well yeah well sure i mean technically what a christian should do is just chill and be christian but that's not what they're gonna do why

well

because we can't make a movie about chilling and being christian Oh, that's a good point.

Fine, fine.

But I want a helicopter.

Yeah, no, yeah, let's get a helicopter.

And we're back for the breakdown, and we're going to open up with some speed exposition from overlapping radio news broadcasts.

Can I interrupt immediately and ask, why is the opening shot of this movie look like we are in a post-nuclear fallout winter?

I don't know.

This guy is Ernie from Sesame Street Orange.

It is.

It is.

And there's not.

It's not like we're pre-apocalyptic.

Exactly.

Yeah, it makes no sense within the film.

But the newscasters are telling us about racial and religious violence all over the world.

And we're seeing like images of all the violence, which includes just one guy who looks like

he just kind of fell down.

Like he had

an attack from his old knee, his old football knee or whatever.

You guys, I can tell you something.

That is a shot from later in the movie.

Oh, you're right.

It is.

Oh, my God, it is.

And they were just like, hey, you know what?

We have shots of violence already.

We don't have to get new ones for this.

That's so fucking cheap.

We don't have to buy stock footage of someone injured.

We have someone injured in like 15 minutes.

Somebody pretending to be injured.

Oh my God, that's amazing.

And I want to say right up front, it's crazy because we've watched movies like this back from like 1950 and on.

And they always are like, hey, look at the news.

Isn't it obvious that the stuff from the rapture is happening right now?

Right.

But the fact that we have, you know, fucking 75 years of them saying that that never seems to wake them up to like, oh, that's just how things are.

Yeah.

Like the Mayans at least stood on business and said, no, we think this is when the world is.

They were wrong.

Yes, right.

They let it go.

Yeah.

In fact, I have to say, all two reviews of this movie on IMDb point out that the fact that like they were saying the same shit that we're saying now makes it more true.

No idea how.

Of course, of course.

So, okay, but this news news montage, it wraps up on a newsroom where we're going to meet our hero, our male lead.

This is Sam Jenkins, Ace Reporter, right?

Yes.

Can I, before we move on from the news, can I just ask one question?

Are we putting a lot of daylight between Nazis and Nazi supporters?

Because they really make a point of that.

Yeah, yeah.

The 1980s, Christians were a lot more hardline against Nazis.

Yeah.

Is it right?

In 2025.

Yeah.

I bet American Nazis sounded a lot more impossible to them than it does to us today.

Yeah, right.

Well,

it's funny.

Like, you got to imagine them watching back over this nostalgically going, oh, you remember when we thought that the Nazis would be the other guys?

Like,

that's so weird.

You never see that coming.

So, yeah, so, but we meet Sam Jenkins.

He's getting a phone call from an informant.

This will later learn that this character is Mike Williams, and he's got some life or death information that he has to share with somebody down at the newspaper.

Yeah.

So he goes, meet me at this address at 2 a.m.

And I wrote in my notes.

I wrote a nickname.

No.

Every dude that calls me just says, stranger, says, meet me at this address at 2 a.m.

Then you go.

They're not there.

Never there.

Which is crazy because the Grindr, the app said you were 200 feet away.

Exactly.

Come on.

The number of times I've complained to Grindr, no response.

Yep.

Yep.

But so he gets that, he makes that phone call, and then we cut over.

We watch him.

He is in the evil layer of the bad guy so he's sneaking around and he's kidnapped somebody tied him up and stole his his lab coat well and once you've got a lab coat right like you're obviously a goon you're in yeah that's that's all it required in the 1980s i also like that it's the 80s so like look you can knock a guy out and tie him up but you don't do anything crazy like undo his tie okay no no no no You can gag him with the tie.

I mean, that's just, that's just efficient.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So he sneaks around and he gets into the air shafts and and like all movie buildings this one has enormous air shafts

we'll have to fit a whole video camera in it yeah right right

yeah and lighting yeah so and then we cut to the illuminati we know it's a meeting of nefarious world leaders because it's the 80s and there's a turban and a kefia so yep

This one, I'm always interested in like what people have chosen for their Evil Cabal.

And this Evil Cabal had a banner made, which is always a lot of fun for me, right?

Because I'm just picturing them like either going to a screen printer or having to reuse one.

I had this from the Erks Club and I could spray paint Satan upside down on it.

They also have the logo they've made.

It could be like a discarded symbol from Mitsubishi, but it could also like really made me think swastika.

Sure.

Like it's definitely akin.

It's an echo.

It's an echo of a swastika.

Right, right.

And so the main bad guy who is the antichrist we you which is it it took me a second to figure that because he didn't have a european accent oh but this is the antichrist and he's standing up at the front and he's going like hey guys great job on the energy crisis that was awesome it's like just like you know we don't have any awards to give up but we should we should have a little trophy and by the way that food shortage we got coming up that's going to be great Honestly, when we make the Christian Apocalypse movie bingo card, which we absolutely should, the Illuminati going over old business is should definitely be there this

going over the minutes of the last meeting.

Yes, yes.

Also, it's Craig's birthday.

Happy birthday from Satan.

So also there's a, like, while he's given like all the evil plans, there's a moment where he's like, also, labor unions are part of the evil satanic plan.

Well, obviously.

Yeah, clearly.

Yeah.

Also, I had to just draw a circle around this line.

He He says, the threat of universal war is a daily possibility.

I'm like, universal, huh?

Yeah.

Like Star Wars.

Yeah, not even going to keep it in this goddamn solar system.

I wrote in my notes as a joke, why is Jupiter going to get involved?

Little did I know,

podcast listener.

I also have to say, you got your notes really helped me because I spent the whole time going, who is this person?

And because of your notes, I they're like, oh, he's the Antichrist because they never give him a name.

So there's a moment here, too.

Like, so he's giving this dastardly monologue, and it's meaningless, right?

Because at a certain point, he's like, as you know, and like, okay, well, why are you going to say it?

Then he goes, as you know, we don't have to hold visual forms of leadership.

It's better that we do not.

And we're like, who are you talking to?

But as we're saying that, we see Mike the informant sneaking through the air vent right next to this meeting room.

Okay, I have so many notes about this evil cabal, but like, number one, did you not hear this 50-year-old unathletic man humping his way through the air duct just five feet away from you?

He's not being black widow.

Yeah, right, right.

He clonks his way in, and then there's this cassette recorder.

Like, so apparently he's done this before.

Apparently, he's just gone through and just like beat up and kidnapped a series of their low-level employees, right?

Because he goes and all he does is he like, there's a tape recorder already taping them.

He gets the tape out and switches it out to another one.

Okay.

Now, podcast listener, Noah is an old, so he's not making a joke about something he should be making a joke about, which is the fact that this tape recorder is the size of 11 microwave boxes.

They were so big.

I know that was breaking technology when Noah was 30 years old, but it is very large.

Oh, 1981, when everything was the size of a toaster, right?

Yeah.

Everything was a boombox.

At least the minimum size was boombox.

Yeah.

Something bigger was actually better because people could see you had it.

Yeah, right, right, yeah.

So

it's so hard for me not to go off on a nerdy Atari fact right now.

I'm not doing it, Eli.

So, okay.

So, but then the Antichrist, as this tape is getting switched out, the Antichrist is like, we're going to assign everyone a number.

And we're like, oh, is everybody going to have the same number?

And it's going to be 666.

He's like, shut up, shut up.

We haven't gotten there yet.

Well, this is the first time that we've ever heard the sort of FAQ on 13 mark of the beast.

Write the fucking peanut gallery.

Search going, hold on, how's this even going to work?

What if somebody loses their card?

It's like, great question, great question.

Here we're about solving problems before they become problems.

One last thing.

Two words, hand, forehead.

Boom.

I got to say, if I'm getting an invisible number tattooed, I'm not going hand or forehead.

Like,

if I'm a, if I'm a subject of a fascistic anti-Christian, antichrist, whatever government that's happening, because remember, this whole time I see like the mark of the beast, and because I'm still living in reality, I don't immediately think Antichrist.

I think, oh, yeah, it's a Christian movie.

They put 666 on him.

But I'm like, I'm going to put the number somewhere fun.

Like, I'm, if they want to see my number, they have to look at my taint every time every time they ask for it.

Like, here you go.

Right, right.

I'm number 776.

There you go.

So, yeah, so we see his 666 that's on his hand, and it's the most boring.

Like, we've seen a lot better Marks of the Beast.

You know, like we're pretty, like, we're kind of aficionados here.

This is a very boring one.

And so, and then, like, as the informant guy, as Mike is sneaking away with his cassette, another Rando, like, I guess that now that we're open to question, another Rando's going like, I'd like to talk about the Middle East, the situation in the Middle East.

And leader guy's like, yeah, fuck it, man.

Okay, what do you want to do?

Craig, I was doing my numbers presentation,

says that I didn't get to tap to pay yet, but that's fine.

Okay, cool.

Yeah, man, let's talk about the Middle East.

How's it going in Iran?

Is it sad?

Is it sad to Craig?

God, I want to have one meeting where we don't talk about Iran.

I need to drop anchor.

Give me a second.

But you know, but he explains that there's one, maybe two years left before the one world government will be in place.

He says this in the the 1981 movie.

Yeah.

This is where they explain that they're giving Israel nukes so that they'll attack Russia first.

And they said, okay, you got us.

Did you all notice that one of the world leaders is a woman?

Hashtag feminism.

Yes.

It's a forward-thinking Christian

apocalypse movie.

Hashtag girl boss.

Yes.

So yeah, and then he does this whole line about how like, you know, once we have them scared enough, we could present the devil himself as a world leader and they would accept him.

And then there's a music sting that is too over the top for anything but comedy today, right?

This is the beginning of my journey with the music.

I was immediately like,

what open source free music download on YouTube?

Well, not 1981, but wherever it was, they did not know what to do with the music.

Yeah, whatever the 80s equivalent.

What microfiche did you download at the public library to get this mixed?

It's okay.

So, but Mike is scurrying away with his cassette tape.

That's the MacGuffin for the movie now.

But the guy he kidnapped, whose lab coat he stole, he's awake now, right?

And he's staring right at the alarm.

So he starts

ermining.

Now, this is why you tie up the guy's feet as well as his hands.

Yes.

Look at one Shabari how-to book before you get an answer.

Some guy's just hanging from the ceiling when his comrades come in.

Will, first of all, who knocked you out?

Suit with the cocoon.

Second of all, why are you so hard?

Has this been going on for more than four hours?

Should we consult the doctor?

So, yeah.

So, but just then the kidnapped guard like shouts, somebody sounds the alarm and they spot Mike on the cameras.

Right.

So now the guards are going to chase him.

And we have to spend just a moment on the outfit that they have chosen for these guards.

Okay.

Gentlemen, this made my day when I first saw it.

They are wearing jaunty butter yellow turtlenecks.

I don't know how else.

No other word but jaunty.

Yes.

Yeah.

And then like spats that go up to their mid-calfs.

Yes.

They look like Freddy from Scooby-Doo fucked Wall from the sound of music.

And this was the outfit that popped out.

No, there's a real like, and if we need to make a sci-fi movie later, we can still use these outfits vibe going.

Yes.

We just have to put some tin foil on them.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, but then, so now we get an extraordinarily long, boring sequence of these guy, these guards in their yellow neckerchiefs chasing Mike around, right?

Yeah.

No, as the resident old, what year did people begin to run full speed?

And Noah was after this one.

Yeah, no, like there's a moment where like he has to run up a hill and go over the fence.

And it's like, well, like you start your other actors from further back because the way they have to do it now, of course, is that the guy has to stand there going like, oh, I'm going to aim this gun any second at you.

Right.

Well, they also yell, get the dogs.

Now?

Now get the get the dogs first.

Start

dogs.

What are you fucking doing over here?

Yeah.

If you have hellhounds, release them by all means.

So

so like I said, we briefly cut over to to Jensen to Sam.

He's heading out for his 2 a.m.

rendezvous.

And I only bring it up because they shoehorn in this blind man who loves Jesus.

We're never going to see this character again, right?

It's like they're assuring the Christian viewers that, no, no, no, this movie loves Jesus.

This movie loves Jesus.

And that man, we should point out, that man is black.

Hashtag diversity.

Yes.

Very progressive film.

Yeah.

So he said, but now the informant is the informant guy, Mike, he gets shot in the escape, right?

So he's goofily limping away.

It like the actor can't decide where he was shot,

right?

Because at first I thought he was shot in the shoulder and then it kind of moved to his leg, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

There was a dick moment there.

There was a kneecap moment there.

Yeah.

But he manages to get to this mailbox and he's like prepared an envelope.

So he mails his cassette.

Right.

Just picturing this guy getting ready for the mission at home.

All right.

So I'll set up the giant tape recorder.

Then I'll change the tape every three and a half minutes like I have to, just like outside of Jeffrey Epstein's jail cell.

And then in case I get shot, but I can still make it to that post box exactly two blocks away.

I'll just, I'll glue envelopes, self-addressed envelopes under all the mailboxes and surrounding directions

in case the guards and their dogs chase me in that direction.

That sounds like a good backup.

Yes.

So he manages to mail the MacGuffin away.

He runs away and he's like, ooh, abandoned warehouse.

I bet this will be a safe place to hide.

Right.

Okay.

You know, I just want to welcome hopefully some that age well listeners to God awful movies.

So we do a thing on our show where we say PSA for this episode.

So PSA for this episode, if you're fleeing from an evil cabal, an abandoned factory is a bad place to hide.

Yes.

As is an alleyway that's just bathed in red light.

Go to a populated area.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Worst of all would be a fucking abandoned warehouse at the end of an alley bathed in red light, which is what this idea does.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There's all these sex workers lining the streets.

Cozy up by an hour.

You might check it out.

Yeah.

But yes, but the fucking Keystone comrades catch him and they shoot him.

Yeah.

I did do the time codes.

It is five minutes from the time the alarm sounds in the evil headquarters to the time this guy gets shot.

Oh, what a waste of my life.

That five minutes was Jesus.

So, okay, so now the cops are on the scene.

We get reporter Sam showing up to the scene.

This is where he was supposed to meet.

Apparently, like this abandoned factory was also where he wanted to meet the reporter, right?

Okay.

I want to point out, I want to just take a moment to point out the absolute uselessness of this scene.

Because what our protagonist learns from this scene is a guy died.

A new character who the rest of the movie is going to include and be about is going to walk into his office one scene from now and repeat that exact information.

There is no reason for him to have, by coincidence, stumbled upon the murder scene of a guy to find out that he died.

This movie, it makes me want to ask you guys, do a lot of these movies have the feel of a kid who was told they had to hand in a thousand-word essay and they only had 700 words, so they handled a lot of berries into them.

Very much so.

Yeah.

Oh my god.

I thought I thought that might be the case.

Got it in one.

And see, the thing is, is that normally in these, in these movies, you know, we'll just, we'll, we'll like highlight highlight a scene in red in our notes to say, hey, we don't have to point this out because nothing in this scene actually matters.

We don't have to talk about this.

Let's just move on.

But we can't skip this fucking scene because it's so goddamn weird, right?

The cop goes, the opening of the scene, the cop turns to Sam as he walks in.

He goes, if it isn't Sam Jensen, the big-time reporter.

And Sam goes, oh, it's funny, O'Malley.

Did you write that yourself?

This is, I'm just going to check my notes here, Carrie, not a joke.

No.

That's not a joke.

Not remotely a fucking joke.

He goes, he goes, what's happening here?

And the cops like, oh, yeah, no, no, us cops, we love to just talk openly to reporters that happen upon our crime scenes about what's happening.

It's just, quote, a routine homicide.

Yeah.

He says, he goes, it's a routine homicide.

Do you know the guy?

I'm just assuming he does that for everyone that wanders by.

Hey, lady.

Lady, you want to look under this sheet?

Can you identify this corpse?

Nobody wants to help cops out anymore.

Yeah, exactly.

It's a problem.

It's also a routine homicide where the victim managed to bandage a wound on his leg.

Yes, right.

We watched point of order.

And there's a, but there must be like a fucking line of blood going all the way back to the evil bad guy layer, right?

Yeah.

Okay.

I have a question about a moment that happens at the very end of this scene.

Sure.

Here's what I observed.

And gentlemen, gentlemen, I come to you with an open heart and an open mind because if I hallucinated this, it's okay.

I want to accept it and move forward with honesty and integrity.

He's drinking coffee while he's doing this scene.

Cop guy is drinking coffee while he's doing this scene.

At the end of the scene, he says, all right, I'll be seeing you.

And then he turns his head to the side and spits his coffee out, a la chewing tobacco.

Oh.

I think it was supposed to be the end of a cigar that he had just bit off.

That's what I thought it was.

I thought it was some kind of smoke cigarette thing or something.

Because I tell you, a series of Google searches in my life were spit coffee at the end.

End of coffee used to be bad 80s don't always finish coffee 80s question mark

so yeah so but Sam is just like hey can I look at the dead guy and he's like yeah no we let everybody look at the dead guys when they come by in the 80s especially reporters yeah you can fuck him if you want to we don't care what the hell

he can't he can't consent he might have been into it yeah and so but he's he's like he looks at the dead guy and he goes do you know him and he's like Yes, I do.

His name's Mike Williams.

He's like, well, will it ever be relevant to the movie that you know him?

And he's like, no, it won't.

He's like, well, then why the fuck would we make you know him?

That's so dumb.

Yeah.

And then the cop, whose name, by the way, is O'Malley.

O'Malley goes, enough with this fucking homicide investigation shit.

My coffee's getting cold.

Guys, wrap it up.

My pinky ring is starting to weigh down my right hand.

I got to go switch it out.

I feel like a pinky ring is probably a big sign in these movies that someone's corrupt and not good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Probably.

So, okay.

So meanwhile, we come back to the Antichrist in his office.

We're going going to spend a lot of time with the Antichrist in his office at this point.

He's on the phone with a senator trying to smooth things over after the alarm went off mid-Illuminati meeting.

So embarrassing, right?

This is also where we're going to meet the head of his security team, who I just have in my notes as Jay Leno's dad.

Yeah.

Yeah, that works.

Can I say Jay Leno's dad references a Sergeant O'Connor talk to everybody?

Now, do we think that that is just a writer error and he meant O'Malley?

Or do they just think that all cops are Irish?

All cops are Irish.

All of the 1980s.

Oh, yes.

So, yeah.

So, the Antichrist is like, at one point, he goes, I don't understand how this happened.

A guy can't just knock out one of our analysts and then crawl through the vents.

Why, that would be terrible writing.

There must have been more to it than that.

But just then, a girl comes in and she's like, hey, we've got a printout of all of the phone calls.

And the only one that isn't accounted for is this one that was made to the local newspaper.

And that's why you don't call your contact from inside the place you're infiltrating.

Why do you think I had you do that?

PSA.

Yeah.

It was the 80s.

Okay, I can explain this one.

It was the 80s, guys.

A phone, a nickel was a lot, okay?

And getting all the way to a, he had already taped all the envelopes underneath all the desks.

He just figured.

Didn't even have to dial nine to get an outside line.

And then the Antichrist goes, oh, well, this must have been that Christian group,

which is an insane thing to say because, number one, there's no reason for him to think that.

Number two, as near as we know as the, as people who have watched this entire movie, there is no Christian group.

There's no group.

I was waiting for the group the whole movie.

There's no fucking group whatsoever.

And then he's like, bring in the girl.

And they're like, what girl?

He's like, the fucking love interest, obviously.

Right?

Right.

So then a saxophone cuts in to inform us that we're about to meet the love interest.

She is Jenny, and she's going to see Ace reporter Sam Jensen.

Does this woman look like a young Jamie Lee Curtis?

Okay.

All right.

Well, kind of.

Kind of.

I referred to her as not Jamie Lee Curtis in all of my notes.

Yeah, right.

She's Jamie Lee gentlest.

Like Laurie Strode energy here.

I'm going to say something nice.

I don't know who this woman is or what her actual politics or beliefs are.

I don't think she's a terrible actress.

No, she's not.

She's not.

Oh, yeah, there is a lot of people.

She's given an absolutely ridiculous movie.

She's still active and she's still working yeah i think her last imdb credit was in like 2022 so yeah there was a there were a few times where i'm like she's doing good a good job making this absolute insanity sound totally normal yeah good right so she's come in to see the reporter now i want to point out this is the second time we're going to see Sam Jensen Ace reporter in the middle of a newsroom.

And it's the second time that he's the only person in this enormous newsroom, right?

Because this movie didn't want to hire extras.

And that is a fucking subplot, right to this film constantly you're in a place where you're like well shouldn't there just be a bunch of people lounging around at that pool

no no extras

so but she introduces herself she's Jenny and Mike Williams the guy who died in the last scene sent her he's he said it if anything happens to him She should go to Ace reporter Sam Jenkins or Jensen or whatever and tell him all about it.

So can I jump in here?

Because she does introduce herself.

She says, I'm Jenny Marshall.

And Sam says, what can I do for you, Ms.

Marshall?

And she says, it's Miss.

Fuck you, Gloria Steiner.

Yeah, right, right.

Be my ass, Betty Friedan.

I am an unmarried.

Whoa, you're going to call me Miss.

My better name, my name better fucking be Melissa.

Okay.

Cause I am, yeah, not a Mids.

So, yeah, but she's like, so she's like, hey, so I want, I need to tell you about the Illuminati that's running the

world.

And he's like super skeptical.

And like, like, they want to have this whole, like, you know, she needs his help, but he doesn't want to give it reluctance conversation because that's just sort of a trope, right?

But they haven't established a reason for that, right?

Like, he knows that this guy called and said, hey, it's life and death stuff, and then got killed.

Right.

So, like, he has every reason to believe that she knows something that's important, but he's like, Yeah, I don't really care about this.

What am I?

A fucking investigative reporter.

God damn it.

And they've scripted it weirdly, right?

Like, he's being skeptical about the wrong kind of things.

Like at one point, she goes, These people, they're killers.

They murder people.

And he goes, I don't care.

And it's like, no, you're supposed to not believe her.

It's not that you don't care about the crime of murder being murdered.

He's like, well, it's not me being murdered.

Why would I give a shit about some other guy getting murdered?

Yeah.

So then creating all kinds of questions about his work schedule, he leaves to go for breakfast.

So I guess he works the overnight shift at the news.

And now the score shifts into a bouncy woodwind.

What?

What?

It is a sitcom from the 80s.

It's happening on the screen right now.

Yeah.

The forest creatures are off on an adventure.

Yes.

Right.

So

he's like, I'm going for some breakfast.

She's like, I'll go with you.

And she takes his arm against his will and everything.

And we're like, what the hell is happening?

And we see here that the bad guys now are like staking her out.

They're following along, right?

And they might as well just be holding a bush in front of them as they walk about beside them, right?

They're like making no effort whatsoever to be hidden.

So they go for some breakfast tacos.

She talks a bunch of shit.

She's like, this isn't a good breakfast.

And I'm like, he didn't fucking invite you.

You just invite

shit about his breakfast choices now.

And she also makes it sound like she's never had Mexican food ever.

Right.

This is actually pretty good.

Like, really?

Well, of course it fucking is.

She seems unaware of the existence of a tortilla when she first sees it.

Yeah.

Like, this bread is flat.

So,

is this a kind of hot dog?

Yeah, right.

That's a totally different direction.

So, okay.

So, but then she's going to, they're going to sit down for their breakfast tacos and she's going to try to explain to him that God's judgment has fallen on mankind and the world is going to end in a few years.

Right.

They have a big, like a dialogue about Jonah here.

I will admit, and I'm a little embarrassed, but the Jonah exchange did make me laugh.

He goes, what if he didn't make it to heaven?

And she goes, then you get to ask.

Yes.

I was like, that's a good joke.

That's a good joke.

That's a bit.

That writer of this, that's a joke.

The big time reporter.

That's not a joke.

That's a joke.

We found one.

It's like the hidden picture or whatever on the fucking placement they gave you as a kid.

So, yeah.

So, but then she lays out the dastardly corporation that's behind this that she explains all the different things that they own.

And we're like, Okay, you're describing Disney right now.

And I'm not super.

It's so funny because at the end of the scene he goes well what makes you think that's like the Antichrist and not just a powerful organization and she has to be like oh sorry I'm a Christian and we blame literally anybody in power for being this thing whenever they have existed including when the Bible was written when this was about Rome yes right yeah there's this great exchange where he says something like do you think I'd mislead you and she goes do you think I'd mislead you Bitch, I don't know you.

You're just some lady.

I'm an investigative reporter with a reputation.

Yeah, Right.

So, okay.

So, so then we go back to the Antichrist, and he's like dictating some paperwork.

Jay Leno's dad comes in to tell him that they found the girl, right?

Yeah.

And he goes,

Do you want us to bring her in like you told us to?

And it's like really weird that you would ask him, Do you still want me to do the thing that you told me to do?

And he's like, No, have your men follow her and report back everywhere she goes.

That'll draw the plot out a bit.

So he leaves, and then we go back to more conversation about how Disney is going to take over the world.

But this is where Jenny realizes she sees the henchmen in the car because they're very obviously henchmen in a hench car, right?

And she says, Oh, we've got to like sneak into the alley.

They step outside of that diner.

And at time code 21 minutes and 39 seconds, the moose knuckle that is displayed

is obscene.

She's going to lose an eye.

Sam Jensen said, Welcome to Mooseport.

It is

so, he has, he is dill pickling in broad daylight, and it is obscene in a Christian movie.

Why did he put the balls, both balls and the shaft on one side of the movie?

It's so weird.

Yes, it's so fucking weird.

Yes.

Thank you.

But yeah, so but they go to run away.

How he runs in that is on, I have no fucking idea, right?

You'd think, well, you'd think his left leg would have to just stay stiff the whole time.

Yeah, he can't have children anymore.

But they go to running away.

The henchman too turns to henchman one.

he says you should follow on foot in case they try something i'm like what if the thing they try is getting in a car you dumbass so they get in a car and they drive away is that a golf cart or a car well yeah right right yeah car asterisk so okay so we cut back to the antichrist he's talking to another senator down from his office or whatever and he's like yes you know i'll recover the mcguffin yes there'll be extra guards at the conference that'll be act three of the movie And then Jay Leno's dad has to come in and sheepishly tell him about the last scene.

Oh, yeah, they slipped away.

It turns out that they just ran to their car and left.

If this movie had budget, there would have been a button on the Antichrist desk that he could have pushed, and that guy would have just dropped into hell.

100%, yes.

They did not have trapdoor money, but you could see they wanted it.

And I do want to point out that this is the exact exchange.

Sorry, boss, they got away.

Well, where is she now?

And then you watch the other actor be like, I just...

She thinks she got off.

They didn't get away if I told, if I knew that.

Elsewhere.

We can tell you one place they definitely aren't, or two.

I mean, here also they're not.

And now it's time for the Antichrist to impress us with his technology, his super evil technology, putting a stop on his credit cards.

He goes, well, we should try our little system.

And I'm like, oh, I bet you should have tried that at the very beginning.

And he calls on the phone and he goes, yes, I want to put a stop on all the credit cards and all of the bank accounts of Sam Jensen.

And even the movie's like, wow, there's probably thousands of people with that name.

I should at least put an address in there.

All right.

Well, it looks like the bad guys have finally resorted to plan A, so things are heating up enough for us to take a break.

But we'll be back in a flash with even more of

early warning.

Seriously, you guys do not have to feed me.

Of course, we do.

You came all the way to the podcastiverse.

I came to the what now?

Doesn't matter.

We know what a fan of retro you are, so we got you this.

What is it?

It's a go-kurt.

Oh, I guess that's kind of from the actual 80s.

Well, that is probably very bad then.

Yeah, that's why it's in a glass box.

I do not want this.

Well, we gotta feed you somehow, and we do not have time to cook.

Well, why don't you try Factor?

What's Factor?

Well, between busy schedules and summer plans, sometimes all I've got is a couple of minutes.

Factor helps me eat smarter with tasty chef-prepped meals that are dietitian-approved and delivered right to my door.

And now, with more than 65 weekly meals made for how I live and what I like to eat, I've got even more ways to fit in a real meal wherever the day takes me.

That sounds amazing.

But is it actually healthy?

It sure is.

From more choices to better nutrition, that's why 97% of customers say that Factor helped them live a healthier life.

Feel the difference no matter your routine.

Noah, where did you come from?

I heard you're talking about Factor.

Factor sent us a box to try when they became a sponsor, but I loved it so much that I'm now a regular customer.

That's why I, no illusions, personally endorse factor.

All right, guys, I'm sold.

Where do I sign up?

Eat smart at factormeals.com/slash awful 50off and use the code awful50off to get 50% off plus free shipping on your first box.

That's code awful50off at factormeals.com for 50% off plus free shipping.

Get delicious, ready-to-eat meals delivered with factor.

Thanks.

Hey, Noah, do you know what a podcast diverse is?

Yeah.

Um,

so you know the shoe company Allberts?

No,

then this is gonna take a while.

Next, welcome to Copy Max.

Can I help you?

Hi.

Picking up my order for Dark Lord.

Oh, yep.

We've got it right here.

It's one large banner, six posters, and a standee.

Yes, that is me.

All right.

This is going to be a cashier card.

Card.

Great.

Let me bring that order right out for you.

I'll call it up.

Thank you.

So

do you have like an evil organization?

What?

No.

What makes you think that?

Oh,

well, I mean, just it's the banner says evil organization of secret worlds overlords on it.

Everybody was, you know, we were all looking at it in the back, and we were like, Wait, do you guys do that?

Is that legal?

Is it legal for the people at CopyMex to look at the order they're copying?

Yeah, man.

Well, it's no, it's we're not an evil organization.

Oh, okay.

So, what are the banners and stuff for then?

It's for

a play,

a play about a secret overlord organization yep that's what the play's about okay what's the what's this play called this play this play is called

satan

the play is called satan that is what i said yes oh okay well what about the standee of satan that says soon the world shall be mine also for the play uh-huh

and the workplace posters that's an osha thing got it hey Craig, here's that order for the Satan organization.

We're not a Satan organization.

We're a play.

It's a play called Satan.

Well, that's a bad title.

Can I go?

Can I go, please?

Can I pay?

And then you go.

Yeah, no, sorry.

Sorry.

We're all set here.

Oh, would you like to sign up for our rewards card?

And everybody's going to be able to do that.

No, I don't want to sign up for the card.

I want to sign up for the card.

Got it.

Sorry.

It's just.

No, it's fine.

It's just

they make us say the thing.

Sure, sure.

What about children of Satan?

Oh, I love that.

Not really doing notes.

Sure, okay, sure.

Rude.

And we're back for more of this shit.

We're going to rejoin the action with Jenny and Sam pulling up at her place, but the bad guys are already there, and that's no good.

But we have something, and we just briefly mentioned this.

Paul briefly mentioned the fucking

Sedona Vortex tour Jeep that they're driving around in.

Why wouldn't they just give her a regular regular fucking vehicle?

Because that is someone's car that is like the second AD or something.

Well, yes.

What am I saying?

This movie doesn't have a second AD.

No, no.

This movie had one minute of credits.

That car, look, I've been a New Yorker my entire adult life.

I know nothing about cars.

That car looks like a little red wagon got souped up by a 16-year-old boy.

It does.

I don't know what that is.

It does.

And of course, the real answer to this question is that somebody wanted that car to be tax deductible.

So they put her in it.

Right.

But they're like, oh, the bad guys are at my place.

And it's like, yeah, weird that they would just park out front with their big, we're the bad guys and we're at your place banner.

He goes, don't worry.

They don't know who I am.

We'll go to my place.

Like, why would they not know who you are?

Right.

You fucking idiots.

Why would you assume what they didn't didn't know at this point?

And then, so they drive to his place.

And as soon as they drive in, there's like a lady outside walking her dog.

But she's a bad guy.

Not an evil dog walker.

Is nothing sacred?

She pulls out this fucking walkie-talkie and she extends the fucking antenna on it.

And it's like the

Joker's gun and Tim Burton's Batman, right?

It's like 15 feet of hose that comes out of this thing.

Gentlemen, actually, something is just occurring to me in this moment, and maybe you have an answer for me because, again, you are far more versed in this genre than I am.

But they are looking for a safe place to hide from the Antichrist, right?

Yes, that is correct.

What about a church?

Why did that never occur to anyone?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because they're everywhere.

They're all over the fucking place.

Is that not hallowed ground?

Is that not like the big weakness when you encounter these things?

Or at the very least, it's a pretty big, you know,

you got a pretty good bet that nobody there is on their side, right?

Right.

You might get a kindly nun.

Yeah.

So, okay.

So then they go to his place and they try to do the whole his apartment sure is dirty trope.

Yeah.

But they've like, clearly they've gone in there and they've like neatly laid three newspapers and a pair of underwear, like, you know, here and there.

It's like, it's like a neat person trying to make it messy.

Yeah.

As a, as a man

who had an apartment so dirty that once when Noah stayed over, he accidentally compulsively cleaned my entire apartment.

Hey, I only cleaned the bathroom in the kitchen.

Those are the important ones.

You followed the line of filth.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I actually, this scene made me believe that the woman who played the lead in this deserved like a cable ace award or something because she's looking at this apartment.

There's a coffee table with like two plates of old food and two coffee mugs and just a bottle of ketchup on it.

And she is still acting attracted to this man.

Yes.

And you know what?

She's working through something there.

She is.

Oscar Clip.

Oscar Clip.

Yeah.

So, but, and then this is the, the choice that she makes that blows me away.

Right.

So she sees the bad guys pull up outside.

And so she sits down in the chair and she goes, well, that's great.

Now the people that want to kill us are right here.

What are we going to do now, smarty pants?

You know, she has this like, you know, like, like, she treats the people that want to kill her finding them the way you treat it when like the airport has changed your gate for a second time, you know?

Yes.

Yeah.

Throughout the whole fucking movie.

She has all of the assurance of someone, of a true believer.

I guess that's it, right?

Like she genuinely doesn't fear death.

It just means she'll get to see God sooner.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

All right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You've answered it.

So, okay.

So then he's like, I got a, I got an idea.

And so he calls Sally.

Who's Sally?

Fuck you.

Fuck you for asking.

He says, Sally, can I borrow your truck?

And he's like, all right.

Love you too, Sally.

Uh-huh.

We will never hear from Sally again.

This is such a weird fucking detail in the movie.

We're going to hear about her.

Yeah.

If Sam Jensen has a power in movie, it is that he will constantly borrow the cars of people he barely knows

for one-way trips.

Yes, right.

What was going on in LA in the 80s?

Right.

Sally will never get her fucking truck back here.

Okay.

You just walked downstairs one morning.

Fuck, Sam has my car.

Damn it.

Again, he's going to crash this shit off a fucking.

This is like, this is like Toontses having your car.

You're fucking him.

Toontes's.

toontes's reference excellent thank you thank you i'm glad i didn't throw out a tunis's reference when nobody was gonna get it

he's never felt more supported or healthy

i'm not here next week paul is i i suspect i might also be in old with noah yeah right right

so okay so so sam slips into the old lady costume he keeps in his go bag don't ask oh i thought he went to sally's and borrowed her clothes okay that could be it too yeah

and a wig yeah because it it implies that sally is a 78 year old woman so

i mean this is some quick drag we are talking about here but like yeah he's got to keep his pants on because that dress is not going to cover the moose knuckle that we saw earlier it would be unleashed and that's nobody wants that yeah he's trying to serve taco and all he's got is sausage like this is not you need to keep your pants on

So yeah, so then they go out.

And of course, again, the people are trying to kill them.

She's giggling.

She's like, you're in a dress and a wig.

And then we're reminded, like terrifying reminder of how transphobic our country really used to be.

Her line is, you could get arrested for dressing like that.

Laughter, laughter, laughter.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wow.

So they drive away.

They get past the fucking Keystone comrades again.

And then they go to the bank, right?

He's going to get some money.

Now, Jenny

already knows apparently that the Antichrist will have put a stop on all of his bank accounts.

But instead of being like, no, don't try to get money, then they'll know where we are.

She's like, okay, but if the Antichrist put a stop on your bank accounts and knows where we are, you got to buy me dinner.

Why would she do that, guys?

It's a great question.

It's a great question.

I have no explanation for this one.

This is the opportunity for the bad guys to put a tracking device the size of, I'm going to say, a loaf of bread inside their car.

Oh, everything was so big in the 80s, including this guy's cock.

So,

so yeah, so, so, but he goes into the bank and he's like, hey, I need some money.

And they're like, nope, sorry, Antichrist hold.

And he's like, antichrist hold, huh?

And they're like, hey, what are you going to do?

And yeah, what are you going to do?

It happens, you know.

Isn't it weird that this is going to be one of the antiquated things we're going to have to explain about this movie someday?

It's like, hey, kids, sorry.

A bank used to have a a person in it.

Yeah.

Oh, now it's a line of ATMs and you can use your eye scan to technically get your money out of, but I swear there was once a human being in that building.

Had a name and everything.

So yeah, so then he's like, well, where should we go?

And she's like, let's drive out into the desert to meet my wise uncle.

And he's like, well, I mean, this is not my truck.

Sure, yeah, okay.

All right.

Yeah, let's just drive into the desert.

She's like, look, you know, the apocalypse is coming soon.

If it happens and we see Sally in heaven, we'll apologize.

If not, well, you know,

oh well.

Yes.

So meanwhile, okay.

Meanwhile, the Antichrist is dictating more of his evil plans into this tape recorder.

And it's like the techno babble here is like when Heath fails to interrupt Eli in a sketch where he has to do some doses at the beginning.

Because the Antichrist is like the laser

fucking

computer number binary.

Somebody enters.

God damn it, Jay Leno's dad.

Shouldn't have gone from laser to computer.

I'm fucking.

But let's talk about what's vital about this scene, okay?

Because blah, blah, blah.

Bad guy walks in.

Where, where?

Tracked him into the desert.

Go get him.

No.

I don't care about any of that.

Here's what I care about.

Here's what I need interpreted.

Here's what I need examined.

Melody, that's evil lady from earlier.

Melody Rockwell.

Yes, yes.

First and last name.

Yes.

Melody Rockwell, fucking Bechdel Tech Passing Film.

Yeah.

Comes in.

No, the fuck it isn't.

And gives him the report on something.

Who gives a shit?

And he goes, great.

Thanks, Melody.

Would you like to have dinner sometime?

And she says, yes, I would.

When?

And he goes, no, I just wanted to know if you'd be interested.

And then we never address it or talk about it ever again.

Nope.

This is to explain to the young men watching, A, how to nag somebody.

Yes.

And B, once you're in a position of power, it is totally okay to ask out the people who are.

Yeah, of course.

Yeah, obviously.

That's what that's for.

So, okay.

So, but then, you know, she leaves and he's like, ah, we've got a tracker on the truck.

You know, we'll find him at any time.

And he's like, ha, we should call in the cobra.

Now, I think Sam called in the Cobra a couple seasons ago.

The Cobra has been spotted.

So, and then after he says the Cobra, he does an actual unironic evil finger steeple.

Guys, this movie has it all.

It does.

Delicious.

Delicious.

So, okay, so then we cut back over to Jenny and Sam.

They're arriving at her uncle's desert compound.

Okay, the score here is like family ties just came back from a commercial break.

Yes, yes.

It is the most

bucolic

lilting air that I've ever heard in a movie.

Yeah, it's so fucking weird and just incongruous with everything that's going on.

And she goes, you know, you'll like my uncle.

He's an astronomer, stars and all that stuff.

That's the goddamn line.

He's an astronomer, stars and all that stuff.

They know their audience.

If you believe in that, yeah, right.

That kind of thing.

They're trying to get grandma from turning it off.

I ain't no Libra.

Oh, wait, no stars and all that stuff.

Oh, there you go.

Yeah, right, right.

That kind of astronomer.

She also says, My uncle raised me, but my parents were killed.

Killed?

What?

Got died?

Killed?

Killed.

What kind of terrifying backstory

are we hinting at here?

Yeah.

What an active verb you've chosen for that story.

Well, and when the uncle comes out to meet him, he says, Sam, we've heard a lot about you, but no, you haven't.

Why would you?

Because we have been with Jenny from the moment she met Sam.

Did she sneak off and make a phone call sometime during the getting chased around by people that wanted to kill them.

Sorry, Sam.

I've just got to duck in and tell my uncle all about this.

Yes.

So they're going in to meet Uncle Paul.

There was a time up till around 1985, every single American had an Uncle Paul.

Yep.

Can I tell y'all?

My name is Paul.

I had two uncles, Paul.

Oh, there you go.

And I am currently an Uncle Paul to a nephew who's named Paul.

Wow.

It's a disease.

Yeah.

We found like the root of it.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah, exactly.

Where all the polls are issuing from.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's one of my, it's one of my husband's least favorite facts about me.

So, okay, so as they're meeting Uncle Paul, the bad guys pull up to evil synth music, right?

So now, so then it's time to grind the already standing still movie to a halt and preach at us for a bit.

Yeah.

And this is a scene that you get in every Christian movie where it's like, all right, you've had your fun with your chase scenes and your love interests and whatnot, but it's time to talk about Jesus now.

Right.

And that, and the entree for this is

Sam going, huh, you're a Christian, huh?

Well, you know, a lot of people think that scientists are all atheists.

And then he says, there's a lot of scientists that are Christians.

Boys, are those Christian scientists?

Is that what they refer to?

He goes, no, a lot of Christians are

scientists are Christians.

Are you familiar with compartmentalization as a concept?

So he starts talking about Jesus.

And this is the shit that the right-wing jackasses are meant to beat off to in this film to begin with, right?

This is the fantasy.

He goes, wow, Paul, I'm impressed with your faith and your research.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Reminding you to hear the repression orgasms.

If you put your ear to the ground.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We get this whole long dunking on those damn atheists moment that the Christian movies just live for.

At some point in this scene, he asks, what's the first thing you do when you get get a tip from someone for a story?

According to this film, the first thing he does, he says he's completely uninterested in it, as it could place him in harm's way.

Right.

That's the first thing to do.

But actually, when you get a tip for a story.

Wrong question.

So then he's like, you know, he reads from the Bible a little bit.

He curiously chooses not to read the part.

about the stars falling onto the earth.

But instead, he goes inside where he's set up his fucking middle school science project.

Dynorama.

it is truly a middle school science project you could not describe it better it's the craziest shit oh he's got he's got he would win the science fiction oh yes absolutely no it's a good science project

this is my best worst

okay and i was so excited for this because i was like so basically what he explains is that when the antichrist comes the planets will align and that planet will cause tidal activity in the magma under the earth's plates and that will cause all the disasters that make the end of the world happen during the Antichrist time.

Yeah, sounds right to me.

We've heard a lot of Christian bullshit, but I hadn't heard that Christian bullshit.

And so I, here on episode 518 of God Hawkey Movies, was like, ooh, new Christian bullshit.

And sure enough, this was a very popular thing during the quote-unquote alignment of the planets of the late 70s and early 80s.

Oh, okay.

But yeah, but you learn something every day.

Yeah, well, and then the alignment happened, of course, and nothing happened.

But they get it wrong, and they get it so stupidly wrong.

I'm the resident space nerd for our show.

They get it so stupidly wrong that I was just apoplectic.

Like, Paul and Eli each have like seven or eight notes about this fucking scene.

I have 104, right?

And I've got like charged and stuff like that.

So

he shows, he's got this magnetic thing where he shows all where the planets are.

And he's like, you know, in, you know, however many years, all of the planets will form a a 60 degree arc around our sun just like this and he moves one planet he moves jupiter which is apparently going to move independent of all of the other planets and tough to make it happen it is yeah right no you really got it you really got to work at this shit and On top of that, he doesn't move it into a place where it would make a 60 degree arc with any of the other planets, right?

None of the, like, I mean, I guess you could make a 60 degree arc out of three of the planets here and there or whatever.

But like, Neptune and Uranus are way the fuck over on the side.

He keeps saying they're all going to be aligned.

And I'm like, they're not aligned on the thing.

You can put them wherever the fuck you want on the thing.

You fucking idiots.

But yeah, but he's explaining, you can't have the planets go all parentheses.

That's how you get Antichrists, right?

And then he's like, are you sure about all the astronomy?

Here he's like, well, let me take you over to this series of poster boards with multiple photos depicting the end of the world that I also have prepared in case I have to have this conversation with people.

Do you think he would have been more successful if he had put the moon in the seventh house and just aligned Jupiter with Mars?

Oh, there you go.

Right?

Right?

Thank you, fellow old.

I don't think you like got that one.

He goes at one point, he goes, Jupiter dominates the solar system.

And I'm like, I feel like the sun dominates.

It's the one that we named it after all.

So, you know.

But yeah, but he does all of this shit, explains how Jupiter's alignment is going to give us a bunch of extra gravity.

Meanwhile, we cut to the fucking bad guys outside.

They've fallen asleep and are snoring like a couple of fucking cartoon characters.

Again, the violent shift in tone from, and then God will bring forth the fires of Hades to,

yes.

People couldn't agree how serious the apocalypse is.

I don't know.

Yeah.

What are they going for?

So we see that.

And then meanwhile, Aunt Belle and Jimmy are in the kitchen doing lady work

they literally are washing dishes and you think to yourself well i mean you know aunt bell and and jenny i mean we do have two named female characters talking to each other and belle goes so are you in love with sam is he your love interest god damn it so close so you couldn't talk about the apocalypse for two fucking sentences you two

so we asked yeah but she's like no he's not the love interest and she's like yes he is he's obviously because you're the only he's the only male character.

You're a woman and he's a man, and it's the 80s.

Stop it.

That's how it works.

He's self-centered, egotistical, and stubborn.

And she forgets to mention the fact that he's packing heat, which we all know because of the fashion trends in the 80s.

Yeah.

So, and she's like, and of course, the way this is supposed to play is that Aunt Belle is trying to find out if they're interested.

But the way it plays in reality is that Aunt Belle's going to hit that if Jenny doesn't want it, right?

Because she saw that Moose Knuckle, too.

Yeah.

So you're saying he's free.

So, yeah, right.

So she denies it.

And then we cut back to Paul still droning on about the rapture to Sam.

And this is the point where I started to imagine in our remake of this movie, where we just insert Heath into this situation, and the whole scene is him just desperately trying to change the subject.

Yeah.

Oh, is that a cornhole board?

Oh, man.

Oh, I love corn.

Oh, you're still talking about Jupiter.

No, you have more charts.

You have all right.

Well, all right.

Well, then.

This is just the first room in my exhibit.

Oh, Okay.

Well, the love interest comes out in this scene, and she's like, Aunt Belle thought you might like a fresh cup of coffee, Uncle Paul.

And look, lying is a sin.

Yes.

Bitch.

And I think you should know that.

Like, isn't this your area?

You poured that cup of coffee and brought it out.

Aunt Belle didn't say shit.

She wanted to talk about Thick Dick, the big-headed moose

that your friend is packing.

Yeah.

And so she, she comes out to give him coffee.

And then Aunt Belle comes out and she says, hey, I think there's some henchmen right outside the the house.

And she said, They're like, Well, how would you know?

She's like, I heard them snoring.

Get that poor man a CPAP machine.

How loud is he snoring?

So

he's like, I'll go get the truck.

Well, actually, he says, I'll go get the Jeep.

They keep referring to this fucking thing as a Jeep.

It's not a Jeep.

It's a fucking Chevy Blazer.

God damn it.

It's Sally's car.

Sally's fucking truck.

Yeah.

And then there's this great fucking another amazingly sexist 80s moment where Paul's like, Belle, you go in there and get food because you're a lady.

I'll help Sam

start his own truck because trucks are men and food are ladies.

So, okay.

So, now they're going to push their truck past the sleeping bad guys.

And if you're thinking to yourself, well, is the car going to squeak like that one tank in Trump's parade as they go by just to make this as maximally Bugs Bunny Gargin as possible?

Yes, indeed, indeed, it is.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

They also say, like, they're getting to the car, and Jenny's like, well, what about you guys?

And Uncle Paul's like, they don't have anything on us yet.

And it's like, I don't think the Antichrist needs evidence to murder you.

He's the Antichrist.

That's the whole point.

You're the one trying to tell us he's the Antichrist, you dumbass.

Yeah.

So, and then we get the bad guys, and they wake up and they have this won't, won't, won't kind of a moment when they realize that the good guys have snuck up, but they're like, well, we still have a tracking device on their truck.

So

why the fuck were we sleeping right next to the house they were in?

I just like spending time with you, Lou.

Sometimes I get up and I like to look into your eyes, you know?

Sometimes I stand out in my yard at night and I imagine that when I'm going back into my bedroom instead of a stelle, it's you lying there next to me.

Sometimes when you hear me.

And I don't care what this world says, it feels right to me, Lou.

It feels right.

Sometimes I like to stand outside your window with a boombox over my head.

Which is a much more impressive feat because it's the 1980s.

It's very large.

It's very large.

They're so heavy.

But I love you, Lou.

Can I just say one thing too?

The fucking nuns.

How beautiful the short story we just composed was.

It was beautiful.

It was beautiful, if I do say so.

But the fucking nuns in the sound of music had the intelligence to fucking sabotage the Nazis' car.

Right.

Why didn't no one slash their tires?

Right.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Look, so we have to believe that they pushed the truck off, and then Paul and Bell were like, so

you want to play a game of Uno?

The bad guys are sitting.

Yeah.

So, okay.

My wife and I have been reading Tropic of Capricorn.

I was wondering if you were

right then.

So, so, but, yeah, so the good, the bad guys head off to find him.

And then we get Sam and Jenny.

They're now lost in the middle of the desert, right?

Because apparently that's, you know, that's a relatively inexpensive place to film, film, I guess, right?

Where are they going?

We don't know, and we will never, ever know again.

That information is not for us to have.

Okay, as long as I didn't miss something.

That's like God's ultimate plan.

Yeah.

She's like, I think we're lost.

And he's like, well, I thought you said you know where we're going.

And she's like, well, it was dark.

I don't think that's an excuse.

And they, it looked, okay.

So, and then she goes into the back of the truck to check and see if there's a compass there.

That was not, never a fucking thing.

Don't you think if you grew up with an astronomer, you'd have a pretty good chance of being able to navigate by the stars?

That's a good point.

Yeah.

So then, and but then she goes to the back of the car, nothing happens, and suddenly that bread box-sized tracker falls off the truck.

Gravity finally defeated it.

This, this lazy-ass writer, Jesus fucking Christ.

So she's like, hey, what's this big, giant beepy thing that fell off the truck?

Is this something your friend had?

And he's like, oh, it's a tracker.

It's like, why the fuck would you know that?

He's an intrepid reporter.

Oh, no, you're right.

Obviously.

Obviously, the intrepid reporter would know all about that.

So yeah, so he's like, I've got a plan.

We'll drive across the desert because we're in a truck and they're in a car.

So they'll get stuck when they try to.

to follow us.

And he's like, oh, well, if we want them to follow us, we should probably take this tracker with us, huh?

And he's like, no.

We shouldn't for some reason.

So then so they drive off.

We get the henchmen.

They show up and they see the tracker sitting on the ground.

And now henchman one is gun-cockingly mad, right?

Yeah.

And he says, now we're going to kill him.

He's like, wasn't our orders not to kill him?

He's like, yeah, but I'm really mad.

And I didn't, you see me, I cocked my, cocked my gun.

Now, you know, you have to respect the ambition to be willing to go against the Antichrist because you're annoyed.

What did you think your job was?

And then we cut to possibly the cartooniest goddamn scene in the movie, right?

So

this is a Boris and Natasha scene.

It really is.

It genuinely is.

So they're stuck.

Now they're stuck in the desert because even this dumbass movie knows you can't off-road in a Chevy Blazer.

So

he's trying to push the car out, the truck out by himself.

And she says, hey, I've got an idea.

Why don't you pray

that we get the car unstuck?

And he's like, because Jesus was a carpenter, not an auto mechanic, you dumb asshole.

Now, Paul, let me fill you in.

Okay.

500 Christian movies.

Please.

Let me explain.

You never pray and it works unless it's a sick kid movie.

But then, even in a sick kid movie, you have to spend the whole movie praying before it works.

The like cardinal rule of Christian movies is they don't just go, little help here, God, and then instantly get what they ask for.

Yeah, it's not like an overnight delivery from Amazon.

You have to wait for the package.

Except.

Except in motherfucking 1981's early warning where God gives them a little push.

A little help.

Yes.

Little help there, guys.

And her prayer could not be more a little help.

She goes, and I quote, Father, I know you're kind of busy, but do you think you could give us a little push?

And it works.

Uh-huh.

And then she tries it again, and the truck just goes.

And

he falls down face first in the mud when it happens.

The score here sounds like you just defeated a level at Super Mario Bros.

100%.

Yeah.

Angel Michael walks into God's office.

Sir, weren't you going to take care of the AIDS crisis today?

Ah, shit.

I was helping out Jenny's car.

Sorry.

I missed my window.

How bad could it be?

And then, okay, so then they giggle their way off.

Along come the bad guys.

And the bad guys go,

bad guy two says to bad guy one, he's like, well, should we follow him into the desert?

I don't know that our car can make it.

And he goes, nah, it doesn't matter.

They're driving aimlessly in the desert.

They're going to die anyway.

And he's like, That's a great point.

Yeah.

Why wouldn't they think of that?

Someone thinks outside the box here.

Yeah.

And then it turns out he's right, right?

We see their car run out of gas, and he's like, right.

The desert doesn't have gas stations.

Fuck.

Whoops.

Yeah.

Or I got, I wish what he said is the desert doesn't have gas stations.

What he actually says is,

trigger warning for the racism of the 1980s.

And there probably isn't an Arab around here for miles.

I was genuinely shocked by that because the rest of the movie has been, I mean,

it's just a sign of the times, obviously.

Right.

Yeah.

I think the movie is striving to be kind of inoffensive, except in its like pushing of the Christian, you know, whatever you want to call it.

Right.

But like, when they said that, I was like, wow, that, that racism was really just baked in that they didn't even, it didn't even trip up the writer to be like, oh, no, I can make an Arab joke.

Sure.

Yeah.

Not even a joke reference here or whatever.

Right, right.

So they have to wander out into the desert, right?

So we get a wandering in the desert montage.

The score is now essentially the opening to Danny's song by Loggins and Messina.

Or like, it's like, I've been through the desert on a horse with no names.

Like, what is this lilting, like, whoop, boop, boop, everything's fine kind of music?

Oh, my God.

Well, and also consider what's going on in this story right now.

Because, okay, so we do not know at this point, whatever happened to that cassette tape, right?

Our characters have given us no indication that they know about it or have it, right?

So they know nothing.

They have nothing.

They're going nowhere that we know about.

And nobody's pursuing them anymore is what's happening in the movie.

So what I, I learned this while I was talking with you, with you guys today, I thought he taped the cassette tape under the mailbox.

So I was waiting for Sam to go find it.

And so I spent the entire movie being like, where the fuck is the cassette tape that set this entire thing off?

Right.

Well, it's the MacGuffin of the movie and they haven't established where it is.

Right.

So at the very least, we assumed at this point that someone was going to find it.

And that was going to be a big moment.

Pin in that.

Huge fucking pin in that.

But now we've, so we've got these actors.

They're supposed to be walking through the desert.

They've been walking through the desert all day, except neither of them has sweat at all.

Their hair is still feathered.

She's still wearing her jacket.

And look, I'm sure everyone listening is assuming this.

Both of these people are white.

They might even be Mediterranean white.

These are hardy Irish Celtic stock.

Not a drop of Sardinian swarth in them.

No, they would be lobsters at the end of this day.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

So, but they're walking through.

She needs a break, right?

Because she's a lady.

He's a man, so he doesn't need a break.

But they take a break for her.

And this is where they have the, and this is, you find this in a lot of Christian movies.

This is the moment where he goes, wow, I thought you'd be more stuffy, but you're actually very cool despite being a Christian.

And I think that you're just swell.

Right?

It's another fantasy that they like to live in their films.

Right after we admit how good their arguments are and how impressed we are by their faith, we also mention that they're pretty cool.

Yes.

Think about it.

Yeah, well, and then as if it's not enough of their bullshit fantasy, he now would like to know a little bit more about that accepting Jesus Christ as one's Lord and Savior.

Okay.

But here's the thing.

Like I said, we've seen a lot of tell me more about Jesus Christ, your Lord and Savior in these movies, but not a lot of saying that and then instantly taking on the facial expression that I take on when someone starts to talk about Jesus.

She looks like she's actively wet shitting into a bucket the entire time, she's explaining.

So yeah, so this movie grinds, it's already standing still self to a halt again to talk about Jesus.

And then we see the Antichrist in a helicopter over the desert.

And I will say, after something like conservatively, like 70 rapture movies that we've watched, 70 apocalypse movies we watch, I think I can say definitively that helicopter is the vehicle of choice for Antichrists.

Interesting.

I would have guessed it was the funicular.

That's a big one.

That was just the weirdest mode of transportation I could come up with.

That That was pretty good.

I would have got a penny farthing.

So

you beat me.

I think you beat me out on that.

So, right, they're always in hell, occasionally yachts, right?

We see them, but they usually take off from the yacht in the helicopter.

How much of this movie's budget do you think was spent on this helicopter?

100%.

Two.

Okay.

Yeah.

There is so much.

From this moment on, this will be a movie about this helicopter they rented.

100%.

Right.

So, okay.

So, and okay, so what we've established is that these two people have just wandered wandered out into the desert.

The Antichrist knows this,

right?

But he's flying around in the helicopter anyway, just to see if he happens to notice two people in the entirety of the desert.

Here's a rule for you, future filmmakers.

Your desert can either be small enough to search by helicopter or big enough for two people to die of thirst while wandering through it.

It cannot be both.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Yes.

So, yeah.

And then they like hear the helicopter coming and they're like, oh, that's probably the Antichrist.

And I'm like, why would you fucking think that?

Like, I've watched all these movies and know he rides in a helicopter.

So, but why would you know that?

Right.

Right.

But they hide from him.

He flies by.

And then we watch a lot more helicopter footage.

But then they land the helicopter at the big hotel where they're going to have the council meeting, which is, you know, they've set up several times as the big act three moment of the film.

Right.

Henchman number one comes up to him at this point and he says, Good news.

The good guys got lost in the desert and they're wandering out there.

They'll die of thirst at some point.

And he goes, oh, well, it looks like we might not need the Cobra after all.

Flash cut to the Cobra all disappointed getting his parking validated.

I was picturing Cobra Commander at that point, so he's got the silver helmet on.

He's like, it's actually, it's pretty hot in here.

I don't go out a lot, just so you know.

I have never been more upset than I was at the prospect of not meeting the Cobra.

Check your wallets.

We are being robbed

as we speak.

Yes.

All right.

Well, I'll tell you what, this movie is pretty sure it's got a full-blown plot going here, and I don't have the heart to tell it otherwise.

So we're going to take another break.

But first, let me give Act Three the hard sell here.

Are they going to allude to a person called the Cobra and then never introduce them?

Will they instead finally bring the Cobra in four minutes before the end of the movie only to have them not really do anything?

Why the fuck would they do do that?

Find out the answers to two-thirds of these questions and more when we return for the things are finally getting started conclusion of early warning.

Okay, what about Podsplosion?

No, we don't use them either.

Man.

Hey, guys, what you doing?

I'm comparing podcast subscriptions with Paul.

It turns out they don't use any of the podcast promotion stuff that we do.

We?

We don't use any podcast promotion stuff.

I might have signed up for a few on my own.

Got it.

And have any of those worked for you?

No.

Yeah, sorry.

Well, look, it's never been easier to unsubscribe from the stuff you forgot about with Rocket Money.

What's Rocket Money?

Seriously, Paul.

Noah told me about the points while you were in the bathroom.

Judas!

Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

Well, how does it do that?

Rocket Money shows you all your expenses in one place, including subscriptions you forgot about.

If you see a subscription you no longer want rocket money will help you cancel it amazing rocket money will even try to negotiate lower bills for you the app automatically scans your bills to find opportunities to save and then goes to work to get you better deals they'll even talk to customer service so you don't have to but will it actually save me money oh it sure will rocket money's five million members have saved a total of five hundred million dollars in canceled subscriptions with members saving up to seven hundred and forty dollars a year when they use all the app's premium features all right noah i'm sold where do i sign up cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money.

Go to rocketmoney.com/slash awful movies today.

That's rocketmoney.com slash awful movies.

Rocketmoney.com/slash awful movies.

All right, Noah.

Thanks.

Oh, what about itunespumper.com?

Definitely not.

Oh, you know what?

That's actually for something else, anyways.

Ew.

Sorry, boss.

They got away again.

It's no matter.

That's why we brought our friend here.

Gentlemen, meet the Cobra.

Hello.

She'll be taking care of our little problem.

That's right.

They'll never see me coming when I shoot them from my helicopter.

Oh,

you're going to shoot them?

From a helicopter, yes.

And why are you called the Cobra?

It's just...

That's my code name.

Yeah, right.

No, obviously it's your code name.

I just assumed you, like, poison people or something.

No.

No, I just, I shoot them from my helicopter.

So not at all like a cobra.

Oh, oh, maybe you could call yourself the, oh, what's that bird that dives super fast?

Peregrine falcon.

That's it.

You should call yourself the falcon.

My code name is the cobra.

Fine, fine.

Got it.

I'm also a woman.

Yeah, we see.

Like the riddle with the surgeon.

Yeah, no, we got it.

And we're back for still more of this shit.

And we're going to rejoin Jenny and Sam still walking aimlessly through the desert.

Like if they've established a direction that they're even fucking walking, we haven't been privy to it.

Remind me, does anyone wander through a desert in the Bible?

How does it go for him?

Could this represent something by any chance?

No, no.

No, no.

Okay.

So, okay, but they get through the entire fucking day.

She still has the jacket on.

You still don't have any sweat on them either.

Neither of them are dusty.

It's fucking hilarious.

They're so phoning this shit in.

I can't imagine what the situation with his moose knuckle is at this point.

That is an abraided sack to the level.

Oh, yeah, no.

That's a haggis at this point, right?

What's that fish that they bury, the shark that they bury in Sweden?

Yeah.

So, yes, she's like, I can't go any further.

And he's like, all right, I'll find you.

I'll find a safe place for us to sleep for the night.

Cut to them sleeping on a rock.

Just out in the open.

Out in the open desert.

Yeah.

Just literally laying on a fucking rock.

What did you do?

This rock is flat.

Yeah, but it's not.

Cooked evenly on it.

Yes, right.

I have to say, no matter how tired I am, if I'm being chased by the Antichrist, I think I might skip a night's sleep.

I might think, yeah, just go.

Just go.

Yeah.

Oh, sure.

Everybody says that, right?

Everybody says

when I get cast in the big part, I'll learn how to dance.

And if I was being chased by the Antichrist,

I wouldn't need sleep.

So, okay, so we do this night dissolver sleeping on this rock and a rattlesnake shows up, right?

Because something has to happen.

Now, remind me, do snakes appear in the Bible?

Well, here's the thing.

Okay.

So one of the magic powers you get for being a Christian is that you can withstand snake poison.

Oh, right.

That's one of your specific powers that you get in the book of Matthew.

So like the fact that she's scared of this snake just proves that she doesn't really believe in Jesus.

Okay.

All right.

Good to know.

I had never heard that.

That's a new one for me.

Oh, yeah.

No, that's the snake handling.

That's what that's all based on.

Okay.

But yeah, so, and of course, like, it's so stupid because they have this snake, but they've introduced a character named the Cobra to the movie.

Yeah.

Right.

But this is a rattlesnake.

So there's multiple snakes going on now.

I mean, but at the very least, I thought that this was like the calling card of the Cobra, letting them know I'm on to you.

But it's not.

It's an unrelated snake.

Unrelated snake.

Yeah.

So the snake is sneaking up on him and it's about to attack when suddenly Cletus shoots it with an AR-15.

This desert hillbilly is just, he is downright unwelcoming.

Yeah.

I thought they were saved for a minute.

Yeah.

So yeah, so this random hillbilly goes, I've shot your snake, but now you have five seconds to tell me what you're doing here.

I've already started counting.

Okay, now this is another first for me, discovering fresh new things, because I have seen probably hundreds of examples in my life of I'm going to count to blank warnings in movies.

This is, I will say, the first time a character has done that count inside their head.

Trinity defeats the purpose of the count.

What number are you on, Matt?

I have to know the pace.

And also, as soon as someone says that, just say something.

They just say silent.

They're deer in the fucking headlights.

Yeah.

I think they were just thinking about the implications of what he had said.

Because honestly, I would have done the same thing.

I would have been like, Why would you say what do you say if you haven't said one?

Oh,

right.

But she says, We ran out of gas.

And he's like, Huh.

All right.

Let me walk you into this other scene.

Now, I have a fun fact for you.

Usually, Heath does the fun facts, but I've got a fun fact while Heath's off.

This actor is the actor that played the homeless guy that sees Marty's return in Back to the Future 1 and Back to the Future 2 when they do this, like he goes to that same scene again.

And the lead actor, the guy with the giant dick, if you recognize him at all, it's because he was one of young Biff's gang members in Back to the Future 2.

So this is something like a preview of that movie.

If you think about it, Early Warning from 1981 is part of the Back to the Future.

It has to be.

Do we think Biff's gang member got the random homeless guy the job as Desert Hillbilly, as Cletus?

I don't know.

This came well before Back to the Future 2.

So I'm wondering if it went the other way around.

Right, of course, of course yeah so okay so

so yeah he he takes him to a fucking a camp a military camp in the desert where a shirtless guy is demonstrating wrist control i i cannot make this

wait before we get to the camp can i say one quick thing i wish you would what's her name jenny has this line where she goes some hero you turned out to be Bitch, I told you I don't care who's dead as long as it isn't me.

Right.

I never said it was a hero.

None of this was me.

This is all your bullshit.

Right.

So Cletus takes them.

They pass them water and they get some water out of the waterfall to drink.

And then they go to this camp.

And

you got the wrist control guy.

You got a lady giving a prepper class on how to find potable water in the apocalypse.

We have child soldiers.

Child soldiers in this economy?

So, but eventually Cletus sits him down at this fucking, this class that Roscoe's teaching on handgun maintenance.

Yeah.

And so this is, I call him Wish Peter Falk.

Oh, okay.

Oh, I called him Amish gun-toting Grandpa Walton.

Yes.

Very good.

I called him our sides Fidel Castro.

So yeah.

All right.

Yeah.

All work.

Yeah.

For sure.

And he's.

Now, look, I don't know.

I think it's fair to say that I am the only person who's ever taken any kind of gun class.

I will say this is an entirely accurate depiction of every gun-related class I've ever taken.

Gun safety, target shooting.

At some point, the man at the front does go, and when I need to kill, and you go, oh man.

Well, okay.

All right.

What he's saying might be, but his fucking gun safety protocol, the shirt of fuck is.

Oh, he's picking his teeth with it.

It's plan 9-esque.

It's amazing.

He's constantly waving the loaded gun in front of everybody with his finger on the trigger.

Like, like, honestly, he's being unsafe for the prop gun that he's using yeah and what's so funny about it right is he's waving this gun around right he's holding it in his teeth he's putting the barrel in his mouth while he ties his shoe and then the end of his speech is and if you ever point your gun at me yes right right

My man, you've been using your gun as a laser pointer during the presentation.

To point at us at whose question you are about to answer.

Yeah.

So yeah.

And then he's like, you know, he gets done with his class and Cleus is like, I found these guys wandering in the desert.

He's like, I know who they are.

I've been listening to the One World Government Radio broadcast about them all afternoon.

So, apparently, the One World Government Radio broadcasts are not encoded in any

just Delilah on the One World Radio broadcast.

Still, big shout outs to Jenny and Slade.

Hoping you guys make it home from the desert.

Cheers.

1010 wins.

Wind beneath my wings.

Yes.

I was trying to think of an 80s song.

So, okay.

So, but then he's like, get them cleaned up.

We'll have lunch together.

So they get cleaned up.

And again, neither of them had a hair out of place for their day sleeping in the fucking desert.

But they get cleaned up.

They gave Moose Knuckles some talcum powder.

Yeah, exactly.

That's really what it was.

Yeah, right.

It was mostly just about drying that junk.

Look, we can smell it at this way.

It's just, it's just bad.

We could see that the burn marks.

This is our elephant's foot.

Yeah.

Yeah, right, right.

So, but so now he's gonna they're gonna talk with fucking fidel cat jeff is the character's name jeff the the gun trainer guy and he's just gonna give him a fucking prepper's wet dream for a little while i teach people to survive are you accredited what like do i get a diploma at the end of this class I say, I have a gun, and if you have a gun, I will shoot you with my gun before you shoot me with your

gun.

Damn it.

And what's amazing is he's giving them this classic prepper speech, right?

Of like, what would you do if society collapsed?

Right.

And you're supposed to be flummoxed by this question, right?

You're supposed to be like, oh, I'd be lost and alone.

People have never collectively figured out what to do in a place and a time before.

So they actually give the correct answer.

They're like, well, we assume there would be police and soldiers.

And he's like,

cops and soldiers.

And I'm like, my man, there are 10 of you and three of you are kids.

So, yeah.

So, but he's like, you know, I'm going to shoot you guys with my gun if you piss me off.

And they're like, well, we won't piss you off.

Can we go?

And he's like, yeah, you can go.

I got to say, my spidey sense was tingling about this entire thing.

And these two Jabronis were just like, great.

He's going to let us go.

Yeah.

But there's also like a whose side are we supposed to be on kind of a thing that goes on here, right?

Because I like, you have to remember in 1981, these two groups had not entirely merged yet, right?

Like the Preppers and the Christian apocalypse apocalypse nutters, but like

they always shared a seat at the table, right?

So I don't, you know, I really don't know.

Like it feels like we're supposed to like this guy.

We're supposed to be on this guy's side, but then he sells him out, right?

He sells him out to the Antichrist at this point.

I think he's supposed to be the example of like the wrong way to prepare for the end of the world.

Oh.

It's like when we explain to people that we're an atheist podcast and there's sort of that pause where I'm like, we focus on social justice and its relationship to theocracy.

And they're like, Okay, you're not one of them because we were you okay.

It's like there's multiple ways to blow somebody, but the one without teeth is the right way.

Exactly.

There you go.

And now we've all related to this movie in our own special way.

So, okay.

So, so he's like, Yeah, we'll let you go, but we got to blindfold you and drive you out to like say, Well, you don't know where our desert camp is.

And they're like, You're, you're underestimating how good we are at not knowing where we are, but okay.

All right.

So he drives him out.

And so, and then like they drop him off.

And then the two of them sit there with their fucking blindfolds on in a little while.

And she goes, like,

so who's Sally?

Oh, God.

Is that your girlfriend?

Whose truck we were in right now?

Is it serious with her?

Is she a 78-year-old woman that you took her clothes?

Yeah, right.

Cause it looks like you were trying to look like a 78-year-old woman.

But when they take their blindfolds off, the Antichrist is right there.

Survivalist guy turned them in.

Okay, so I was pretty kind to this actress before because I do think she's actually not terrible.

But her line reading on, Sam, they turned to Sian.

Those creeps, they turned to Sian

is terrible.

Yeah.

And genuinely.

Not her best work.

I think she may have realized what she was doing at this point, like the quality of film that she was making by the time they filmed this scene.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

So, yeah.

So then they bring these two to the hotel.

They bring Jenny and Sam to the hotel, the bad guys too.

And there's this amazing moment where like henchman one throws Jenny down to the ground and the Antichrist is like, hey, man, be discreet.

And then he throws Sam to the ground the exact same way.

He also says, I'll deal with them after the council meeting.

Just fucking kill them.

You're the Antichrist.

Right.

What are you dealing with here?

Yeah.

He's like, we'll lock them in storage until the end of the meeting.

so they lock them in storage now this door that they're locked in but you if you leaned against that door it would open right like you i'm it doesn't even take a swift kick a slow kick would do the trick right

in fact not only that there are multiple locking mechanisms on the ends on their side of the door

so at this point i like scrolled over my to be my tubi screen and i saw that there are 20 minutes left in the movie and i'm really starting to question: how is this movie going to end?

And I want to tell everyone that in every single scenario that I came up with, I didn't come close to how this movie ends.

So,

the real fun I had, because by the time I got to this part of the movie, you had overtaken me in the notes, and so I could sort of see your notes as I was writing mine.

And my fun adventure from this point, so there is an entire genre of movies damn near in Christian movie dom that is

we made the first movie about the rapture because nothing really has to happen that costs much money there in hopes that it would make us enough money to make a second and third movie about the rapture, right?

So, we've watched so many of these aborted trilogies where what happens at the end is absolutely nothing, but they've set up everything that could happen in the next one if they had three times the budget of this one.

You know, yeah, so I knew how that was going, but watching your notes where you're expecting there to be some kind of denu marsh resolution, resolution,

a money shot of some sort during all of that.

Falling action.

Your hope was adorable at this point.

We were rooting with you.

Yeah, thank you.

Thank you.

I try.

So, okay, so, but then they're locked in the room and there's, they have this amazing conversation where he's like, wow, you know, I'm pretty bummed.

Are you bummed?

And she's like, yeah.

I was really looking forward to watching the world and from this side.

I'm like, I have to watch from the top.

I feel like the bottom has the better view.

I had floor seats and they're being taken away.

Yes, I'm going to be in the balcony.

That fucking sucks.

So, but then they have some more of this boring-ass Christian conversation where she's like, Well, you know, you can just tell by all the prophecies that are being fulfilled right now that, like, well, I mean, I don't know when the rapture is going to happen, but it certainly won't take another 44 years from the time this movie's released.

It couldn't possibly definitely not.

No, any minute.

Or our religion would be, or at least this interpretation of our religion would have to be wrong everyone in this movie will not be dead by the time the arrival happens

yeah

so and then she goes nickel for your thoughts and so and they make a little inflation joke here but like a writers bring it in if you ever have a character say penny for your thoughts or some derivative of that you have failed as a writer try again delete the last couple pages and start again unless you have someone holding a character named penny on an altar with a knife over her throat, you can't.

Okay, you're right.

That would be a clever

opportunity.

Well done.

Yeah, exactly.

So, yeah, so she's like, maybe it's time for you to pray.

And he's like, I don't know how to pray.

Bingo card charge.

Yes,

yep, another of their little fantasies.

I wrote in my notes, it's easy.

You just put your lips together and blow.

Smoke up your own ass.

But yeah, but he's like, hey, wait a minute.

I just remembered I know how to to pick this kind of lock with a credit card and have a credit card.

I bet you flunked out a crime school, didn't you?

Not a joke.

Nope.

Not a joke.

Nope.

And then he goes, no, I got straight A's and unlocks the door.

Still not a joke.

No.

Not a follow-up.

Yeah.

So, and then they sneak out.

Now there are two guards standing out the door.

These two guards' entire fucking job is facing this door.

Right.

But they happen to be looking the other way, joking around because the goddamn Illuminati have the dumbest guards imaginable.

They're fixing their turtlenecks to make sure that they're like, they're not, they're not bunching up.

Yes, right, right.

Yeah, exactly.

Exactly.

You have to have them regulation turtlenecks at all fucking times.

So, so yeah, so they run away.

The bad guys see them as they're running away.

So we have another one of this movie's amazing chase scenes.

Yeah.

They go to shoot them and the other guard goes, no, you'll upset the other guests.

What?

What?

So this is just a working hotel for the general population.

They're all Satanists.

There's a family from Idaho staying in room 21B next to the kidnapped leader of the rank.

Sorry, guys, they had already booked their fucking room before we knew we were going to try to.

And there's just no way.

Some TikTokers walking through.

Here's the secret cabal room in a resort that you don't know about.

Let's take a look inside.

Oh, God, I fucking hate this.

So they make it to the Chevy Blazer, which the good guys have conveniently

left them with the keys to and drove there.

But they make it away.

That's true.

Why would they do that?

So, but they drive away.

And then the bad guy, the antichrist, is like, so now it's time to send in the Cobra.

And I'm like, I think before it was time to send in the Cobra.

I think we can all agree.

Before.

Sam hears him.

He turns, pulls a Yui, drops Trow.

Cobra's here, guys.

The Cobra was here the whole time.

Cut to the Cobra sitting at his gate at the airport, gets his text.

Oh, you've got to be fucking killing me.

Oh, my God.

Am I going to be reimbursed for both plane tickets?

Because I swear to Satan, I'm not coming all the way back there.

So, okay.

So, so then we cut to Uncle Paul, and everybody's back at Uncle Paul's, right?

So, so, so, Jenny and Sam, make it back to Uncle Paul's.

Them, Uncle Paul and Aunt Belle are listening to the tape.

Yeah.

How did they have the tape?

I have no idea.

Obviously.

Yeah.

Right.

So I think what's supposed to have happened is that Uncle Paul was the guy that he sent the tape to, which means that the Antichrist was just chasing the wrong guy the whole time.

And it's fucking hilarious.

I can't decide who's worse at their job, the heroes or the villains here, but neither one is doing a good job.

No, exactly.

Right, right.

So, yeah, so, but then they're like, oh, so we've got the tape.

Now, you know, you can write your article or book or whatever it is.

We've changed our our minds several times about what you're supposed to be writing about the Antichrist.

I have a question about this scene.

Did anyone else notice that the guy playing the uncle suddenly acquired a sibilant S pattern in his speech?

And it was like

this scene.

Just this scene, right?

I think he like sipped overly hot tea before the tape.

And he was like, guys, it's not a problem.

Don't worry about it.

Just Paul is going to notice.

So the women folk leave, right?

Well, so, so Jenny kind of storms off at this point and Belle goes to bed.

So the guys are left over and Paul's like, hey, man, do you know why she stormed off?

And

sorry, Sam says that.

And Paul's like, well, you know, we have a problem here, Sam.

You are the wrong religion.

So

awkward.

I know you'd like to get laid.

And Jenny'd love to give it up, but I need you to say magic words to her invisible friends kid first.

Also, correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't Sam go hey, could you just become Christian so that the end of the world is chiller for you?

And the uncle's like, I mean, yeah, you could become a bad person.

Oh, absolutely.

We have an incredibly easy-to-cheat system.

You should hear.

Yeah.

You should hear how child rape is getting to heaven.

It is rude.

All of them.

Pretty much all of them are there.

It's so weird.

This is the religious equivalent of becoming a Chicago Bulls fan in the 90s.

Yeah.

Right.

Exactly.

Just jumping on when it gets good.

Yeah.

So yeah, he's like, but do you think God would really send people to hell just for not liking his son enough?

And Uncle Paul's like, Yes, oh, yes.

Have you heard about this guy?

Let me pull out a Bible here.

Genesis, very first fucking book.

And I'm like, I've read the Bible, so I'm like, Oh, that's this isn't going to be good.

He's like, Here's God flooding the whole fucking world because he was pissed at somebody's kid.

You know, he's

flooded babies and shit over that, you know.

And we get, we get this fucking incredible moment again.

Like, I am the reason I love reviewing Christian movies is that they never fail to surprise me because we get this moment, right?

Where Sam says, but what if the world doesn't end?

And there is a pregnant pause.

And then the uncle goes,

what if it does?

I laugh out loud.

Yes, yes.

It's your movie.

You don't have to put a question.

You don't have an answer to it.

It would be so easy to leave it out.

Yeah.

So, but he's like, so, hey, but, you know,

so

basically Uncle Paul looks right down the fucking center of the camera and and goes, What if you're wrong, viewer, about your religious beliefs?

And right then, you know, of course, Sam goes, Well, what would I have to do?

He says, Just invite Christ into your heart and read this 1,400 pages of nonsense.

He says, All I know is the Bible, which is a really tough look for his astronomy degree.

Yeah, right.

He apparently has.

Hey, guys, it turns out that there's no firmament.

That's ah, fuck.

I'm ah, I have, I have no idea.

God farted, and that's just the particular matter.

So, yeah, so Uncle Paul goes to bed, and then Sam picks up the Bible, does not start at the beginning, just picks it up, starts somewhere in the middle of everyone knows Genesis.

Yeah, come on.

You saw all that stuff in the preview, basically.

All of that stuff.

So, okay.

So, now with nine minutes left, including the fucking credits,

we're going to meet the Cobra.

Yeah.

Now, the big reveal is that the Cobra is a lady.

We already saw that.

Yes, right, right.

Of course,

I had to admit to my sexism, right?

I was like, oh, you know, I had he all the way through my fucking notes.

Movie got me.

Yep.

I do like, though, that the movie is so proud of the fact that the Cobra is a woman, right?

It's like the first time an adult tried to tell you the surgeon riddle and you had to be like, no, I, I, I got it.

Why would you have been doctors for a while?

Bro, it's been a very long time.

And they were like, no, no, no, I'll be a foreman.

And you're like,

I get it.

Yeah.

You've been married twice, right, Mr.

Johnson?

So she's putting together this rifle.

And then she's got like the fucking actor's headshots, right?

Eight by 11s.

Yes, 8x11s.

That's part of her contracts.

So my eyes aren't great.

I don't want a little tiny picture.

Give me a full-size thing.

So, okay.

So then we cut to Sam.

He's heroically typing up the article.

I wrote in my notes.

He writes.

He writes in the movie.

He does.

That's part of it.

Yeah.

So, and then Jenny comes comes in like she has just arrived in the fucking movie from Topeka.

Right.

So she, she's just like, well, you know, I thought maybe we would go for a picnic today.

I'm like, why the fuck would you think that, Jenny?

What are you doing?

What has been happening the last two days?

She says, hey, do you think the people, the snipers that are trying to kill us are looking in this giant window?

I should stand in front of it, huh?

She's like, I really thought she was going to get assassinated at that moment.

I'm like, why would she do that?

But

she's like, I want to go for a picnic.

He's like, no, I'm doing Antichrist stuff.

Like, the whole movie, you've been trying to talk me into doing this shit.

So he's like, I got to go to town and do important reporter things.

She says, I'm coming with you.

And he goes, no.

That felt Christian to me.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

Quiet woman.

Yeah, right.

But then they have this absolutely insane, like brother-sister fight over the keys.

Yeah, she snatches the keys and she's like, well, now you have to take me.

And then he turns to Paul and he's like, Paul, can I borrow your truck?

And Paul's like, fuck, you asked me and I'm a man.

I have to say yes.

Yes, you can borrow mine.

When she stole his keys, I was like, careful, Jenny.

It's the 80s.

They're still hitting.

They're still hitting.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

So then, okay, so he takes off.

He drives away.

And just as he drives away, we see the chopper.

So we've seen the Copra now.

She got her rifle and she's strapped into a helicopter.

to go get him.

So now the helicopter is chasing along as he drives away from the compound.

This helicopter is like the equivalent of a movie licensing like a Rolling Stones song and playing it 14 times.

Yes.

Like I paid the money for this and you're going to fucking listen to give me shelter until I tell you to stop.

So yeah, so now that we have this chase scene, which is like the chase scene is essentially like him driving and kind of ducking down as he looks up and to his left, right?

Yeah.

That's the whole thing.

And then, you know, shots B-roll of the helicopter.

We learn here that the Cobra is highly overrated.

She's not very effective.

Not at all.

Also, what do you think the casting notice for the Cobra read?

Like, resting bitch face still fuckable?

So if that was it.

Yeah.

Yeah, but eventually she does hit the car.

She's aiming at a car from with a fucking rifle.

Like, okay.

So maybe I don't know.

Maybe that's way harder than I would imagine.

But so, but she finally hits the car and he tunces over the fucking cliff, right, with a borrowed vehicle.

And she looks down and she's like, yeah, car crashed.

We don't have to verify anything.

Let's go back to the base.

Yeah.

Seconds later, Uncle Paul and Jenny show up at the wreck and then the car explodes because it's the 80s and there was a car in the movie.

Yeah.

Then Jenny like rushes towards the burning car and they find the cassette.

It's survived somehow.

Well, it was an 80s cassette tape.

Those things were basically built like a Lincoln Continental.

Oh, yeah.

No, if there was anything that notoriously always worked and never fucked up right during your favorite song, it was a goddamn cassette.

Jesus.

You could use it as a bludgeoning weapon, though.

If you got a good torque on it.

So, yeah, so he picks up the cassette and she's like, well, at least we've still got the evidence.

But just then, the Antichrist appears right behind him with all his minions.

How?

I presumed he teleported.

Like, why is the Antichrist should have more magic power, shouldn't he?

Okay, so that's the only way that it makes sense is teleportation.

Yeah.

So he gets the tape, and then they're like, well, do you want us to kill the lady who you've been trying to kill the entire movie and her uncle, who she's obviously talked to, who have listened to the tape and know our evil plans?

And he's like, no, they don't have the tape anymore.

What can they possibly do?

And all the minions are like, well, I mean, there's a lot that they could do.

It'd be insane.

It feels like it'd be a really anticlimactic movie if we just sort of hustle past them now.

Like we're walking into a space at Ripley Greer and they're walking out of a space at Ripley Greer.

Surely you understand how awkward that would be.

No, no, I think it's fine.

No, no, it's fine.

Like, well, we should at least find the dude's body and make sure that he didn't somehow fall out of the car and survive the 300-foot fall.

No, I'm snacky.

I can just, I'm not hangry yet, but I can tell I'm scared.

It's going to be angry.

It's a long drive.

It's just peckish.

It's a long teleport banks.

Yeah.

I asked out my secretary, and it's been really awkward since then, and I'm just having an awful day.

She keeps telling me what her plans are for the weekend.

And I'm like, I don't fucking care.

I was just curious.

So, but then, yeah, so the bad guys all leave.

Where's a fire-breathing Jew when you need one?

I don't know.

Those are part of the apocalypse.

It's very common.

You're going to get a couple of part two.

So, yeah, so but then, so Sam is like, or so, sorry, they go to leave, like Jenny and

Uncle Paul, she's weeping, but then they notice Sam, and he's just fine somehow.

And, and she's like, he's like, they're like, Sam, how did you survive?

And he goes, I prayed, Jenny.

I prayed.

And you think that's the fucking last line that I was talking about with my best words.

But the last line is even better, right?

Because he goes, like, what are we going to do?

And they're like, well, we actually, we can't stop him.

The Bible says that they win.

So there's really nothing.

There was never anything that we could do at all.

This whole thing was pointless.

Yeah, the thing that you nearly died for was pointless.

And he's like, well, what are we going to do?

He says, we're going to look up and rejoice.

And then he gives this just absolutely chef's fucking kiss of a goddamn line.

Quote,

they may have the tape, but we have eternal life through Jesus Christ.

But, but then what was the point of this?

What were we ever doing?

What were any of us ever doing?

I don't know.

Just thought it'd be fun.

But of course, as we fade out, like as I alluded to at the very beginning of the movie,

as it's fading out there, we get a newscaster going, and oh, by the way, Sam lived.

He lived and he printed his story.

And Antichrist said he was lying.

Jenny's pregnant.

Don't worry.

She's pretty pretty.

Yeah, right.

And yeah, right.

And barefoot.

She's barefoot in the kitchen washing dishes.

Don't worry.

Yeah.

And then

the movie ends.

We get the back when credits were one minute long credits.

And the movie's over.

And that's it.

That's the whole fucking movie.

All right.

So, Paul, you seem to have enjoyed this because, hey, hey, if you did, I have about 312 recommendations for you.

I'll tell you what, I greatly enjoyed talking about it.

I do like, you know, we try to be somewhat, we try to find something nice to say about almost every movie we do on the podcast, with the exception of As Good As It Gets, because that movie is actual piles of shit from top to finish.

Oh, no.

But you know what?

Even that one does have a cameo from Maya Rudolph in it.

So there's something good to be said about everything.

And getting to watch a movie that I can just really just take a pickaxe to the whole time and not even feel bad about, it's cleansing.

Yeah, right, right.

Like there's a point where like just making fun of bad movies like feels bad unless they're also poisonous.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, okay.

Hey, before we let you go, I have a feeling that a lot of our listeners are just like now huge fans of you and want to hear more from you.

So if they've got that urge, remind our audience where they can go to hear some.

Yeah, we have, I have a podcast called That Aged Well.

It releases every Monday morning.

Wherever you get your podcasts, we talk about movies and TV, mostly from the 80s and 90s.

But sometimes you go outside of those years and we talk about how racist and sexist and homophobic they are.

And sometimes you get one that's not and it's really nice.

And sometimes you get one that really is and it's very sobering.

Yeah.

So, all right, well, I'll tell you what, we will obviously have all that linked on the show notes.

And, Paul, thanks again so much for hanging out with us.

It's been an absolute blast.

Thank you so much for having me.

I had a great time.

And well, that's going to do it for our review of Early Warning.

That's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to lure ourselves back into the same trap next week.

So, Eli, tell us what's on deck.

Well, Noah, we'll be visiting the work of a brand new cult to God-awful movies, the Uranus Academy of Science, and we'll be watching True Tales of the Past, the saga of Osiris and Isis.

Ooh, all right.

So, with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 518 to a merciful close.

Once again, a huge thanks to Paul for all of his help and a reminder that you can find his show linked on the show notes.

And an equally huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go.

If you'd like to catch yourself among their ranks, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com/slash godolphel, and thereby earning access to an ad-free version of every episode.

You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review and by sharing the show on our various social media platforms.

And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the Scathing Atheist Citation Data, DND Minus, and the Skeptic Credit available wherever podcasts live.

If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodAwfulMovies at gmail.com.

Tim Robinson takes care of our social media.

Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Vivaldrafts on Mars.

All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Kark, and was used with permission.

Thanks again for giving us a check of your life this week.

For Heath Enright, Neli, Bosnik, I'm Nollutions, promised to work hard to earn another chunk next week.

Until then, we'll leave you with the American graffiti close.

Unfortunately for Sam and Jenny, non-apostolic Reform Northern Alliance Free Will Baptists were the correct religion, and they both burned in hell forever.

God damn it.

Aunt Belle went on to accidentally go into a public library when she was looking for a post office.

Inside, she saw the cover of Fear of Flying by Erica Jong and thought it was about conquering her fear of, you know, flying.

She checked it out, and now she lives in Santa Fe with her partner Barb and makes turquoise jewelry to sell on it.

Sally learned her lesson about letting that two-timing asshole Sam borrow her fucking truck.

No problem.

We never want anyone to feel like, oh, I'm going to be on air with that statement and I'm not happy about it.

Yeah.

If you generally avoid like the really bad racial slurs, I'm probably going to be fine.

Okay, okay.

All right.

It's a good thing you mentioned.

Let me deliver.

I got to find and replace in my notes.

Well, how are they going to know which characters I think are Jewish?

You've really

your caveat is like the bad racial slurs.

You can get the mild racial slurs.

I'm okay.

If you can land the joke with a mild racial slur and find it.

All right, here we go.

And I wish I could think of a good mild racial slur to put into the syndrome.

I can't.

I can also say, yeah, okay, here we go.

This content is can-credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm at their hotline at 617-249-4255 or on their website at creatoraccountability network.org.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in the Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2025, all rights reserved.

Clean up your skincare routine with Primality Pure Natural Skincare Products, offering cleansers, moisturizers, and masks, plus deodorants and tallow-based items.

Organic, wild-crafted, and regeneratively grown whenever possible, Primale Pure's products contain no chemicals, fragrances, or fillers.

Just pure, clean beauty.

Head to primallypure.com.

That's P-R-I-M-A-L-L-Y-P-U-R-E.com And experience skincare that nourishes you within.

Starting an online store can feel overwhelming, but Shopify makes it easy.

From global brands like Mattel and Gymshark to businesses just starting out, millions trust Shopify.

Their AI tools help write product descriptions and enhance photography so you can build a beautiful online store with ease.

Shopify provides world-class expertise in everything from managing inventory to international shipping to processing returns and beyond.

If you're ready to sell, you're you're ready for Shopify.

Sign up for a $1 per month trial at shopify.com.

Your global campaign just launched.

But wait, the logo's cropped.

The colors are off and did Lego clear that image?

When teams create without guardrails, mistakes slip through.

But not with Adobe Express, the quick and easy app to create on-brand content.

Brand kits and lock templates make following design guidelines a no-brainer for HR sales and marketing teams.

And commercially safe AI, powered by Firefly, lets them create confidently so your brand always shows up polished, protected, and consistent.

Everywhere.

Learn more at adobe.com/slash go/slash express.