534: And God Made Man

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podcast.

But this is where we meet his honor, Dean Kane, presiding.

Yeah. And honestly, it is such a shame that we're all now way too mature and grown up to make fun of people's appearances because there is a lot that we could make fun of here.

Like at least 60% more than when he was in seat mode, just by voting in the wind.

And okay, I realize, I realize that joke is me having my cake and eating it, but in fairness, that's what got me pain into this position.

God-awful

movie. Movie.
Movies.

Welcome back to the Gamcast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema, and I remember to fill in this blank until today. I'm your host, No Illusions.

Heath and Eli are going going to be unable to be here this week. They needed a weekend off to get ready for their week off, but

we're recording this before the holiday, guys. But in their stead.
Oh, they're pre-gaming. It's amazing.
Right?

I'm excited to welcome in the co-hosts of the No Rogan Experience, Cecil Cicero, and Michael Marshall. Marsh, Cecil, welcome back.
Hey, thanks, Rob. Always a pleasure to be here, Noah.

Even if Eli and Heath can't be asked to turn up, we're here. We're reliable.
We are here. There you go.
Always here.

So tell us, marsh what will we be breaking down today uh so we watched and god made man

it's the story of a judge who decides that letting trans people do sport is so evil it'd just be better to throw out large parts of the constitution instead

You might say that this movie is the miracle on 34th Street for women's sport.

You might say that if you happen to be in this movie, in which they literally say at one point, it's the miracle on 34th Street for women's sports. They do say that.

Oh, and Cecil, how bad was this movie? If you thought that the scopes, that all the scopes trial needed was Judge Judy and Transphobia, you will love

this movie. Oh, so, and is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at?

Yeah, so I could say best, worst legal argument, but I feel that's going to be too much of a spoiler. We will get to that.
And I think it is the worst legal argument I've ever heard in a class.

It probably is. I legitimately messaged every lawyer I knew as soon as I saw this.
And I was like, you're not going to believe what this movie fucking said. Oh, it's amazing.
It's amazing.

But that's too much of a spoiler. So, for now, as a little holdover, I'm going to go with Best Worst YouTube SEO.

The title of this free version of the film on YouTube is, and I quote in full,

and God made man,

new release, faith-based sports drama, Dean Kane, Kevin Sorbo, open brackets, God's not dead, closed brackets. Yes, yes!

When you have to explain who your name is,

we've got Kevin Sorbo.

We're going to have to explain Kevin Sorbor.

Yeah, so okay, so I was going to go with Best Worst Kevin Sorbo showing us what we look like, right? Because he plays one of us.

Yes, he does. He really does.

But

honestly, that was before I saw Cecil's How Bad Was This Movie. So I want to go with best worst Judge Judy.

We're going to have some fun with Dean Kane as well. Oh, so good.
So good.

I'm going to go with best worst canned laughter because it happens at the weirdest times where canned laughter would never occur. Most specifically when someone like does like a...

what they would consider a mic drop moment in the courtroom. And then there's just ladder.

And you're like, that that would not happen in a real court ever and it definitely wouldn't happen twice in a row especially in a wide shot where we can see the faces of everybody in that room

exactly exactly and no one's laughing exactly it's amazing and i think i may have found that laughter i think you did too man i think i may have found it yeah all right well we need time for a huge transphobia trigger warning to sink in so we're going to take a quick break we'll be back in a minute with all the unapologetic bigotry that is And God made man.

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That's rocketmoney.com slash awful movies.

Rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. So it looks like I won't have to deply this toilet paper after all.

Yeah, it's kind of a shame given how hard it was to convince Spellcheck that we didn't mean deploy in in the script here right

yes gentlemen come in oh thank you for granting to see us sir yes well uh look the illuminati is a big organization but if we don't have time for our employees i mean what is the point that's very magnanimous supremely evil one so uh remind me what department you gentlemen are from uh we're in transing sir I'm sorry, what?

The department tasked with turning everyone trans.

Ah, yes. okay, yeah.
And my assistant tells me that you have some issues with your assignment? Well, sir, yes, it's just

why?

What do you mean? Well, sir, we're just not that clear what we gain by turning people trans. Well, gender confusion, obviously.

Yes, but

what do we get out of that?

Um,

chaos? Yeah, it feels like a very roundabout way to get to chaos, though. Right, but

it lures people to the devil. Does it? In theory, it does.
Okay, sure, but can't we just do that with rock and roll music?

So 60s. Tabletop RPGs, then? So 80s.
Fantasy novels? So 2000s. Oh, no, come on.
I think that one could have worked if we'd just chosen a better author.

What are the odds that we depict someone even shittier than us? Come on.

I just, I don't see how being trans will draw people towards Satan in the first place.

Because then the churches will reject him. Sure, but couldn't the churches just thwart our entire plan by just accepting trans people?

They're never going to think of that. Are you sure?

100% sure. Got it.
Got it.

And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to open up on a few of those don't get your hopes up logos that we've come to know and love.

Oh, God. There's one of the the logos it is so dark i thought it was hiding because it was a shame to be involved in this

you have to adjust the gamma on your tv just to see it like you're playing an rpg on a tv you should be able to just see the logo yeah yeah

it's my eye test yeah but then after the logos we see we we open on a coffin And we get our first name from the credits. And so what we see is a coffin and the name Dean Kane over it.

And I'm like, don't tease me, movies.

Yeah.

Now we're at a funeral, which the movie will never bother to fill us in on the fact that this is supposed to be mom's funeral, I guess. Yeah.
Never mention it. Yeah.

I think this is like the earliest like cancer momming we've ever seen in a gambling.

The closest they get to referring to it is that he will be wearing his wedding ring round his neck on a chain sometimes and sometimes he'll be like playing with it in his finger.

And that's about as much as we get. He will fondle it constantly.
That is his space work for the film. Yeah.
Yeah.

And the hymn in particular, he looked a bit like in this scene, scene not not so much later but he looked a bit like a version of john lithgow whose wig was trying to flee his head because it didn't want to be involved

and i thought if this was john lithgow like if this was actually john lithgow it still might be the least transphobic ip he's currently attached to yeah okay that's fair no but so i gotta say props to whoever at youtube decided where these fucking ads were gonna drop by the way i got my first ad at one minute and one second into this movie which was saying like the opening credits are just starting and it's all just like real sad and and there's a funeral and suddenly it's like time pods will get it out you know oh it's amazing hey just out of curiosity were there a lot of ads because i i have premiums so i didn't see any were there a lot no no they were just every time the movie was trying to be serious there was another one i think they only got four of them oh nice yeah that's the best time to put it in yeah sure yeah so but they leave the funeral and this girl this is lindsay she's the main character of the film she goes home to look at all of her swim trophies reflective moment and there's there's a really minor thing that bugged me.

She's like, she sat on her bed at one point. She's at this point, she's like looking at a laptop.
The second we cut back to her, the laptop has completely disappeared. She hasn't moved at all.

Like, she's like lying down. She's meant to be sleeping.
And the laptop just nopes out of the scene. And it's like one minute in the movie.
It's a really obvious, massive continuity fuck up.

And it's, it really sets the scene for what's happening. It really gives an impression of what we're in store.
Yeah. Yeah.

I didn't notice that because I had an ad between the two. So, right.
Yeah. It's perfect.
It's like a magic trick then. Yeah.

So now it's the next morning. Dad wakes up his 21-year-old high school daughter.
Yes.

35-year-old daughter. She looks so old.
She does. She's all the way she's in high school.
I believe

she is like 23. She's 23 life.
Yeah. And she's not a, like, she's not a young 23.
I don't, like, no offense to the actress, but, but she's just like, she's not a young-looking 23-year-old or anything.

She looks like she's 26, 27, or whatever. she looks like a college graduate yeah right which is super awkward throughout this movie

hello fellow kids yes hello fellow youths so yeah so now they're going to this big swim meet dad's all nervous he can't find the tickets you know oh gosh got to do a little bit of body work to find his tickets he's doing the pat down where's my tickets where's my tickets and then the daughter of course oh they're in your wallet stupid yeah well are they in his wallet they're sort of comically hug out of his wallet i couldn't even get it like it's not even hidden all the way in his wallet it's like barely hanging on yeah it's so stupid so fucking stupid how you not know they're not in there i mean like if i have a wallet in me out my pocket i know for sure something is hanging literally halfway up my that's exactly right right exactly that's the thing is that they had these prop fucking tickets they didn't actually fit into a wallet but they'd already written that line in the fucking script and everybody froze like ants when you drop a fucking twig into their line nobody knew what to fucking do so they just rolled with it and then they do the then they do the dad and and and daughter, they have their quirky thing, and it's the dap, what they call the dap, which is them doing like a little patty cake, and then they kind of point at each other and then do like the blues brothers sort of cross your arms and lean in or whatever.

It's super cringe, it is. Luckily, the movie forgets about this about like seven minutes in, right? They forget about three or four times.
Yes, yeah, in those seven minutes, less and less gusty.

They wanted to make it a thing, yeah.

It's like less and less enthusiastic from her every single time like i think they stopped doing it because the actress just refused she's like look i'm 45 i'm not doing this anymore this has been throw my back out if i do this again yeah so okay so now it's time they're they've come to sign up for the big race there's this dumbass scene where the lady that's signing her up she's like oh i've heard of you lindsay mccabe you're famous in the high school swimming circle yeah you've heard of her because you're one of the organizers of the swim meet and she's one of the people

like the name probably came up yeah it says it right on the sheet. She's looking at, yeah, I've heard of you.
You're the 11th.

Yeah, and she says the same spiel to everybody about how the ticket works. Like, you need your ticket to get back in.

And she says it in exactly the same, like, tone of voice to every single person in the queue. Like, she's a very limited NPC in a video game, and you've lost the dialogue options.

I do like that she has to explain to these idiots how tickets work, though. Yeah.
So, okay. So, now we're going to meet Coach, who is the co-writer of the film, right? This swim coach guy

who has 100

had gender affirming surgery done on his face there is yeah i mean look and it's not good gender affirming surgery but it's definitely gender affirming surgery keep that in mind as we work our way through the movie yeah i had him as a shaved gorilla who's got mumps is the best way i could describe him a shaved gorilla with mumps

Fair. So at one point in our notes, Cecil has

dropped in a photo of this guy, like of a close-up where you can see his face lift scars or whatever i i saw nothing else when i looked at this guy for the rest of the fucking movie after that yeah

you could totally see it dude it's like they it's like it's like a fucking uh a reversible bag or something they just pulled his face inside out and you could totally see

So

also, okay, we get this constantly in these movies, right? Because this guy was writing this movie and they're like, well, what sport should the girls that you coach do?

And he's like, well, which is the one where they have the least clothes on, right? So they went with swimming. But nobody in this movie involved with this movie knows anything about swimming.
No.

Right. So now he's got a coach.
He's got to give coaching advice to the swimmers. And so he says, and I quote, we need to get in the water and do what we do.

Earning every cent of that paycheck he gets crushed. The other thing he says as well is: remember, never confuse movement with action.

But what does that mean in a swimming context when the race is just moving? It's just moved with the new people around you. There's not a wait and see element to a swimming.

Gosh.

Play the long game. Yeah, right.
See what strategy the other swimmers are using. No, not so much.
So the coach leads him in prayer.

And then he sends everybody away, but he holds on to Lindsay. He's like, Lindsay, stay back.
You're the main character here.

And so he gives her some special advice, which includes the do what you do line again.

Yep.

Dad comes up. He's like, mom would be so proud of you if she hadn't recently died.
Yeah. Just want to put that in your head, right?

Stories. Yeah.

So, yeah, so, but dad's super nervous. Now, so now the meet is about to start.
You can tell from all the jingoism. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.

The subtitles at this point say the star-spangled banner, and then in parentheses, patriotic music. Yeah, just in case anyone wasn't sure.

And then they cut to the breathing scene. There's like a whole breathing scene

where they're just like,

it sounds like it sounds like, because it's a, it's a swimming thing, but that all you're hearing is breathing and not a lot of splashing.

So it sounds like they're all competing against Darth Vader for the prize of the day. Yes.
Hey, we can't see who's the competitor next to her. It may well be Darth Vader.

We'll find out that they aren't the bad guy. Make a log after all.

Also, I love this bit too, because now we're going to see the one swim competition in the entire movie, right? But these people couldn't figure out how exactly they wanted to shoot this.

So what they did is they just edit like every 14th of a second to a new camera angle until it's over.

Yeah.

If you're not seasick after this, let me tell you, man. Yeah, right.

This is very much, they were proud that they were able to afford an underwater camera and they were trying to get as much use out of that as possible. Oh, you're right.

Cause they did that bit where it's coming out of the water and going back in and coming out of the water. And they're like, look, you can submerge it.
You can take it out. You can submerge it.

So, yeah, but it's so poorly done that we can't tell who won at the end. Well, and really quickly, though, there's a point, right? So, this is a race, guys.

We're not watching anything but a swim competition that is, they fire a gun, they jump in the water, they go back and forth an average number of times.

They don't really show kind of how far they go, and then somebody wins. But during the race, the people are writing things down as if they're judging some sort of competition.

You know, you got to have nine. The only judge in this competition is the time.
That's literally all you need.

You don't need to be like, I'll tell you, I was going to give it to four because she had the best time, but I'm going to give it to five just because of that awesome backstory.

Well, maybe that's they're writing down the time as they go.

The other thing is, like,

the other thing is at the end, like she's lost.

She comes in second to a mystery competitor and is very much kind of like, who was was that but how did you lose to the person one lane over to you from you when you were stood next to them at the start how are they still a mystery to you and then they find out that like they're two foot taller than her and she didn't notice at the start line when you just stood about a foot away from them the entire time yeah yes

but the winner gets out and everybody's like wait is that a boy

Yeah, and this is the other swimmer is played by Trey Rhaegar III. So I looked them up on IMDB.

Interestingly, on our IMDb, there is a self-verified section where Trey himself has chosen to fill in the details, including his pronouns of he/him.

Other actors in this movie don't have their pronouns listed, which means he has chosen to do that. Nice.
Yeah.

Other things he's done, if you go to his IMDb page, it says he's best known for 2023's Attack of the Meth Gator, in which he performed stunts under the pseudonym Ronald Rhaegar. So

that is the bad guy of the movie here. Outstanding.
And possibly the universe. We don't know.
But yeah.

So now we can to all the swimmers, they're at the swim meet lunch thing, pizza party, whatever, and they're all transphobiaing together.

The poor person who won the race has to sit over by themselves against the wall with their head down and their hair over their face the whole time. Yes.
Yeah. Yeah.

Well, everybody loudly talks about how she's not really a girl. Yeah, like right in front of them.
Yeah.

And like, and this is the first moment where it feels like the movie is surprisingly sympathetic, is way more sympathetic than I expected. Like nobody in this movie is,

like, of the named characters are being particularly mean to the swimmer who's trans or is playing a trans swimmer in this. I thought, it's strange that it's so sympathetic.

Even the court just say, well, you know, we need to be respectful of the decision, which obviously is exactly how a court that insisted on a prayer at the side of the pool would handle this in real life.

No kidding, right? But it's weirdly sympathetic. Yeah, well,

we'll come back to that because it does that several times. And it's a trick.
It's not that it's a good movie. Yeah.
Yeah. So, or it's not even that there's a good element in the movie or whatever.

But so then they bring the pizza. Everybody's like, anybody want some pizza? And they're all like, yeah.

And they bring in like six boxes of Little Caesars and everybody's like, never mind. We've never seen anyone eat any of the pizza.

Yeah, this movie had takeaway pizza box money, but not takeaway pizza money, which is rough. That's what it looked like.

Didn't look like there was anything in it. They were just moving the boxes around is awesome.

So the fact that they default the boxes are not the pizza is rough given given that this movie also has Dean Kane and Kevin Sorbo, who presumably I felt cost less than five pizzas.

Well, they ate all the pizza, is what it is. That's how they got that man.

Yeah, for sure. Unlimited supply of Little Caesars, and Dean Kane's like, I don't think you know how much Little Caesars you just bought.
So, there's no such thing as unlimited to Dean Kane.

There is a moment, too. You know, if we're going to talk about transphobia, there is a moment because they're talking about this person in front of them, sort of next to them.
Yeah.

And then the dad and the daughter get, there's the person who took their ticket earlier comes over to tell them about how disgusted they are. And they literally make an ick sound.

They turn, look, and they're like,

yeah, right. And then they walk.
It's so grotesque and disgusting and transphobic and awful.

And you're like, that's the, that's one of the heroes, or at least representing the hero's point of view in this movie. Right.

Well, but I think this is the movie's way of saying, see, we're not like that person. We wouldn't say it right in front of them and then go, ick.

We would just make a movie about how they're mentally ill. I was going to say, you've made the movie.

You're the ones making this. Yeah.
Right.

But dad's furious because now Lindsay won't make it to regionals, which means she won't get a college scholarship. Yep.
And that's the big conceit of the whole movie is that

they don't ever mention that the American system is essentially the fucking hunger games when it comes to going to college. They don't ever mention that.

They just mention, well, it's because they're taking away opportunities to other people, not that America doesn't fucking bother to educate its fucking citizens, exactly.

Yeah, and the conceit doesn't work at all. I mean, she's lost one race, is still considered a fantastic swimmer.
Yes, like at one point, we're going to find out she's in the top five in the county.

And as long as there are like more than one scholarships, she's in for it regardless. So it completely blows up.
Doesn't make any sense. If there's more than four, she's definitely in.
Yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

But then, and then, so they go to leave in a huff, and the trans girl comes up and thanks Lindsay for losing. Yeah.

Or, I guess. Or for letting her be in the race kind of thing.
Yeah. Yeah.
So then, so Lindsay goes back to her room and thinks about making swimming great again, I guess. Yeah.

And she just flops down blindly on the bed. And I wrote, you can't just do that because your laptop might have phased back into existence and you might squish it.
No idea where it is right now.

And she's supposed to be all sad and everything, but at one point she talks to her stuffed giraffe and she does this stuffed giraffe voice talking back to her.

And I'm like, all right, well, that's disturbing to see a 40-year-old do that at all, but it also undercuts the I'm really depressed thing that you are going for, right?

Yeah, and it also is the fattest giraffe plushie I have ever seen.

I shouldn't body shave the giraffe plushie because badging is thick. Hey, we're going to save our body shaming for Dean Kane, okay? Yeah, that's fair.
That is fair.

Yeah, I think that that giraffe plushie could make it through the ice

obstacle course.

So, okay, so, but meanwhile, dad is at the mysterious disappearing, reappearing laptop, learning about how them transes are taking over women's sports. Look out.
Look at it.

I found Ben Shapiro's site.

Now I'm ready to kill everybody with facts and logic. Yeah, dad says, I want to sue them.
And I'm like, trans people? And he's like, I think so.

He so he says that. Yes.
Literally everyone involved, anyone who's ever met a trans person, he wants to sue them at this point. Yes.
Yeah.

And he even says to her at this point as well, Lindsay, this isn't just about you. And I wanted to carry on.
It's about my bigotry.

And also a little bit about my unaddressed sexual curiosity about something I'm pretending I already googled for the first time just this second and ever before. Do not check the history.

So this is such a minor correction to make, Marsh, but the line is not, this isn't just about you. Or that I'm sure that's the line it was supposed to be.

It was supposed to be, this isn't just about you, or this isn't about just you. But what he actually says is, this just isn't about you,

kept it.

Sorry, it's just such a minor thing, but it's so fucking stupid. And then he goes on, he starts listing their talking points, right? He's like, he's like, in Texas, there was a lifelong cheerleader.

I'm like, lifelong that didn't get to be in there because the trans girl wanted to play. And then there's a woman who got a volleyball spiked on her nose by a trans girl.

And I'm like, oh, since no other people were ever injured in women's sports, it should probably never happen. Yeah.
In soccer, you've got boys crippling girls on the field, is what he said.

Yes, he does say that. He's just recounting stories he half understands about other trans people in colour sports.
Like he's Joe fucking Rogan.

We've seen so much of this lately. Yeah.

I did want to, I did kind of envision two soccer trans kids dressed like the Road Warriors from WWE, just like lifting someone over their head and breaking their back. Yeah, like bane.
Yeah, exactly.

Bang.

And then

he says, and I quote, this transgender is getting out of hand. Yikes.
And then he delivers kind of the movie's primary argument. He says, God made man and God made woman.

And the daughter, Lindsay, goes, what's more complicated than that? And he goes, no, it isn't.

Go to your room and find your computer right now.

And again, I was just transfixed by his hair. He has the most like fascinating hair.
It's he's got. half a full head of hair.
It's like he's got what I can only describe as an unemployed mullet.

And like, the party is still there at the back, but there is no business taking place.

Amazing.

Amazing. So, okay, so now unemployed mullet, that's all I'm going to call him,

is

calling lawyers to see if one of them will sue transness for him.

Yep.

Well, the first lawyer he talks to says, and I quote, the government is removing all the due process for any of this to be argued.

That guy didn't even read the script, let alone look like a lawyer. Right,

come on. Yes.
Oh, yeah. I looked at this guy.
He'd be such a bad actor, I had to look him up. I thought, is he just a real lawyer who paid to be in the film?

No, apparently, he is an actor, but this is his first acting job, and he's done two other jobs, and they are both absolutely gam worthy. Oh, really? 100%.
It's amazing. Awesome.

I'll have to tag him after we're done. So, yeah, and he goes, he's like, you know, look, if I represent you, then all the pro-trans people will attack me.

And I'm like, yeah, so those pro-trans people sure are known for their violence. The pro-trans trans people yeah and their well-funded litigation as well yeah very very famous

and again just because this this shows that this film does not understand even itself at one point he says well in the race they ran a transgender boy against her it's like but even in the conceit of this movie he's either you think he's a boy or it's a trans girl but the one thing it isn't it's a transgender boy

it's not what you said right right but yeah so we we get him like getting laughed out of rooms by other lawyers lawyers. He's crossing names off of his little lawyer list.
Whole list of lawyers.

We see his lawyer list lately, and I'm pretty sure one of the lawyers he's seen is called Crystal Broth. I think that's what it says.

Crystal Broth.

That's what I read. Yeah.
Yep. Names are hard.
I love, too, like one of the lawyers literally laughs him out. I'm like, good, laugh him out.
Yes. Get him out of there.
Yeah.

So, okay, so, but now a sad cello kicks in, and he's just not even sure if he wants to keep doing it. So he goes to a church to sort it all out.

And it's this is a really shit looking church because this is the location is on an island in the middle of a very busy road, like a two-lane either side road. It's such a bad place for a church.

How many of their elderly parishioners get lost on the way to church, given that they've got across this major road? It might be smart. It might be a smart place.
Like, put them there.

You got to frogger your way to church on Sunday morning.

Well, and so, and it's so very clearly a church that just should have been torn down when they built this fucking highway, but the church was like, no, and we're a church, so you can't make us. Yeah.

Yeah.

So, okay, so, but then the pastor comes and sits with him. And following the rules of movies, neither of them can look at each other during any part of the

fucking conversation. What is that?

I mean, at least this time they both sit in the same pew. Normally, they sit in different pews from one another.

Wouldn't it be awesome if they were across the church from each other, just having a really loud conversation? But it's so weird because they're sat like touching shoulders, staring straight forward.

It just just makes it look like they're too bad to be like remembering their lines and they both have to read the auto-cube that's on it and it looks like to me.

That might be it. Yeah, but he explains to the pastor that his daughter lost to, in his words, a boy in a swim race.
And the pastor sure is disgusted by trans people.

He repeats the God-created man, God-created women thing, right? Yeah.

He goes, you don't have to believe it. It's just fact.

And then he explains that the people who are pushing the trans agenda are on the devil's side.

Yep.

We're working for Satan. And is this what he says about new genders? He says, every other day they come up with a new gender.
And I wrote, okay, how does that work?

Is it like a Monday, Wednesday, Friday thing? Or do you keep it strictly to every second day? So they're essentially working a shit pattern over two weeks.

For sure. He goes, but you know, they try to make it all complicated, but God is simple.
And I'm like, yep.

He also says people can't even explain what a woman is. And I want to say, look, it's quite simple.
You see, God took a rib out of Adam and cadabered it into a vagina. And that's how this happens.

So. Yeah, we need to tell you what a woman is.
We got to define and classify it. That's called patriarchy.
Yeah. Thank you very much.
Sure is.

But yeah, he doesn't know that the pastor doesn't even know if America can survive if there are trans people. So he says, I have a lawyer friend that can help.
He's a bit different

yeah he knows a guy he even hands him the number without looking at him as well like at no point does he even look across hand him the number and honestly like at this point they do leave and i want the pastor to sit back down and just wait for the next guy to come in and like backstory to him without looking at him that's all he does just sit there in that one right yeah

So, okay, so, but dad goes to see this mysterious lawyer, and this lawyer is quite disheveled. Sure is.
And so he starts explaining the story.

And the lawyer is, you know, they're just doing the lawyerly onboarding conversation here. Yeah, there's a very weird detail.
That was such, it was a minor thing. We flash pack.

We go, we flash past it. We go into this scene looking at flags in the lawyers.
They want to say office.

It's very clearly just a house that they're trying to make look like an office because they don't have office money.

They've just got Joe's house because he said his wife's out for the next couple of hours. But to try and make it look like an office, they've got some flags in there.
And they've got an American flag.

And then they've got a saltire, so the Scottish flag. And then they've got the royal banner of Scotland, like a red lion, a yellow background.
And okay, I thought they're laying that on thick.

And then the guy isn't Scottish in any way.

Just a big fan of the country. I guess that was just in Joe's home office or whatever.

This is officey. Where are all these flags? I don't know.
This is where they're going like, couldn't they just test these athletes for XX, XY chromosomes?

Yeah. Ah, fucking idiots.
And the lawyer looks a bit like John Travolta's had to go undercover to try and escape the rumors.

That's what he looks like here.

The lawyer goes, do you have any money? And dad's like, no. And I'm like, Philly, that's going to be a problem.

But apparently not. No, like, clearly not.
But the lawyer, though, he just so happens to have on his desk a pamphlet about gender that some angry parent brought in.

So apparently this is just where all the transphobes meet. Yeah, and would you call it a pamphlet? No.
Because it's very much just a single A4 printout. So this movie didn't have one pamphlet money.

That's the level of money this movie movie did not. It didn't even have fold the paper money because that's what a pamphlet is spent.

And the other thing I've got to say about this lawyer's appearance, his tie is made out of exactly the same material and pattern as his shirt.

And it feels like he's just about to give us a life hack about how tailors have to give you the off cut.

The gift of US worth. I 100% missed this when I first watched it, right? And then I come back and I looked at Marcia's notes and I stopped and I was like, fuck me.
It is exactly this.

That's amazing. It is.
That's fucking amazing. So, yeah.

So they spend a bunch of time making fun of literally the modern biological understanding of gender, no matter which side of this fucking argument you're on.

Doesn't one of them say, like,

do you ever feel like a woman? And the other one's like, I never feel like a woman. And then they kind of dust their hands up, feel like, nobody ever feels like a woman.

Do you guys want to go for a beer now? Are we done? Is that it? Exactly. As though that helps their side, then I'm like, yeah, right.
right, because you're a sis, you fucking idiots.

And the thing is, as well, is if they'd have brought that argument to the courtroom, it would have been a more convincing argument than the one they actually

better. Yeah, do you feel like a woman? So, yeah, but no, with no discussion of payment whatsoever, he decides he'll take the case.
So, we see him circle this guy's name on the list.

They did at one point, though, have a coffee cup that is clearly empty on the desk that he knocks over and screams for his assistant again. But they didn't even have coffee in the mug money.

They had empty coffee cup money. That's what they had.
Well, right, because Joe was right there going, like, if you spill shit on my mahogany fucking desk, my wife is going to kill me.

They didn't have coffee money. They certainly didn't have assistant money because it'll be a running thing that he keeps shouting for his assistant, but there will be no assistant money.

It's not even an extra. What a weird joke that is.
I don't know what that's trying to say other than this guy is either incompetent or schizophrenic in some kind of way. Yeah.

One or the other. All right.
Well, believe it or not, that was pretty much act one. So we're going to take ourselves a quick break, but we'll be back in a minute with even more of

and God made man.

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Hey guys, welcome to the second ever Writer's Room meeting for Aunt God Made Men.

Yeah.

Now, now, obviously, last time we ran into a few snags, what with none of us knowing anything about how court works?

Turns out it's called a gavel, by the way.

Yeah, so to help us this week, though, I thought I'd bring in a legal consultant. Guys, please welcome Abermeyer Crawfordshire III, Esquire.

Okay, can you please say my name in all capital letters, though? I'm sorry, what do you mean? It protects me from future liability by maintaining my status as a freeman on the land.

Okay, but I don't know how to say a name in capital letters, man. Objection.
Oh, um.

Sustained. Oh, no.
Now, gentlemen, it's important that you understand when you're writing your courtroom scenes that anybody is allowed to talk at any moment. I do not think that's true.

Now, Jerry, give him a minute, man. This guy drove all the way here from where the hell?

Excuse me. Excuse me.
It's very, very important that we don't say I drove. You need a driver's license for that.
Oh, right. Yeah.
So he was conveyed all the way here from...

No, no, no, no good. That would require a license plate.
It's best if we say I transpired all the way here. That's not even what the word means.
Also, very, very important.

Lawyers get bonus points if they make the audience laugh or clap. Hmm.
I didn't know there were points. Yeah, that's why you need me.
Obviously, Jerry.

Now, if you'll just excuse me, I've been been squatting in this office for long enough that it's actually mine now, and I think it's time for you gentlemen to leave.

I do not think that's how it works. Objection.
Oh, man.

And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with dad getting home to tell Lindsay all the good news about the lawyer.
She goes, how are you going to pay him?

He goes, I think he's free.

And the thing is that he has no idea if the lawyer is going to charge him or not. That's a bad sign for all elements of this case.

It means you have a terrible lawyer or you've got a good lawyer and you're bankrupt now.

Like a good lawyer and no house.

There's not a lot of chance he's a good lawyer.

Right.

But we learn here that transness has ruined Lindsay's dream. She doesn't even care.
about swimming anymore. What's the point? Oh, yeah.
She's getting competition flashbacks.

She starts getting actual flashback. You lost one race, just one, like 100-meter race, I think it was.
She'll be fine. I don't want to to be a dick, but maybe if you practice more, you wouldn't lose.

That's all I'm saying.

So now we get her at school. She's like admiring all the trophies of past high school swimming grace that she'll never join that pantheon, you know.
Yeah, that no one will remember in two years.

But then Lindsay is called to the office, right? And again, it's just, she's like 26 years old. Look, it's just, it seems creepy that she's in a high school, to be honest.
Yes, it really does.

She looks like a predator there.

Also, we know she gets called to the office because she walks through a door with office written in huge letters above it just the word office and also i don't know if you spotted this some pretty visible racist posters of native american mascots as well oh i know

stuck on the side of the office door oh there was also like as she's walking into the office There's like kind of like a little cheeky, almost upskirty shot that there is there that's really uncomfortable.

I don't know if you guys caught that.

Yeah, yeah, I think it's a directed, I think the director did that scene and then said, it's not technically an upskirt if she's not in a skirt, if she's just in a small pair of shorts.

So this technology

isn't an upskirt shot. I'm kind of curious who was wardrobing this girl, right? Because she's never, like, if she's out of a bathing shoe, she's wearing like

shorts up to her ass, she's the entire time. Yeah, right?

Even in court, right? Even in fucking court.

So, but now they call her to the office because they want to speak with her and the coach about these calls they're getting from some lawyer that wants to know all about this meet.

yeah and i feel like the school doesn't call in the pupil to ask about legal requests they've received about that probably not yeah and then also like pressuring the student about the case like this is immediately prejudicial behavior that i'm sure would be frowned on in court yeah feels like something a lawyer wouldn't do definitely wouldn't get past hr with that one but you wouldn't think yeah so but she leaves they're like oh wow we're gonna get in a lot of trouble so so she leaves and then they sit there with the coach and for reasons that have nothing to do with the movie and everything to do with the fact that this is the guy who wrote the thing and he wanted to say some transphobia too, the coach just goes off on all these damn transgenders and the fact that there's over a hundred genders now.

Yes. Yeah.
They say, like, we've got to support every student, no matter their gender. And he said, that's going to be hard now.
There's over 100 genders. But like, obviously, there's not 100 genders.

But even if it was, why would that make it hard? It's the same number of students.

You're still

supporting the same number of students. It's not like they split like cell division when they get a new gender.

And the other thing, because

all the way through this movie, the sets are dressed just terribly. They make no sense.
The poster board behind them is completely bare. It's just in the principal's office.

There is an entire poster board and there is nothing on it. It's amazing.

Your message here, yeah. This is also where the coach says, I have a fictional movie character in my 11th grade gym class and I have to treat her that way.
What could that possibly mean?

I don't understand what that could, what they think that might mean.

Dude, at this point the movie I wrote in my notes I'm like I'm calling it now we're gonna see litter boxes in this school's bathrooms before it's over we don't oh yeah but I was ready for it but yeah I also realize at this point this movie definitely thinks that sport is more important than learning this movie definitely thinks that the coach is the most important position in the school here or the most correct person in any given school Yep.

And he says at this point, he goes, the very heart of sport is at stake here.

Yeah, it's fine, mate. Don't worry about it.
Yeah, Yeah, go ahead. They also say, too, like, that it's popular.
They're like, oh, well, it's popular now to get to be trans.

And I'm like, it's popular to get mercilessly ridiculed and then ignored at a pizza party when you won the race? That sounds like it sucks, bro. Right? It's not ideal.
It's not great. Ah, so yeah.

So, but then we cut to dad and Lindsay doing their own research. We get this montage.
Jesus fucking Christ. So in the montage, like Lindsay is swimming, right? Because that she's the swimmer.
Yep.

Coach is coaching because he's the coach. Lawyer is lawyering, you know, because he's the lawyer.
What the fuck is dad doing?

Look at all. Yeah, dad is helping the lawyer work on the case by reading through law books with them.

And if you have to ask, if your lawyer asks you to like sit next to them and go through the law books with them, you've already lost your case. Do you want to be my side kick? I'm just kidding.
Right.

Yeah, exactly. It's great.
It's great. This is where we end the montage with one of the walls of evidence, like a yarn and push pin type of thing.

But like for the, like, let's put all our evidence on the wall. And it's amazing.
It's just A4 pages stuck to the wall. And they've each got a single sentence printed on them.

And one of them, it just said, one of the entire piece of paper printed on it, it says, is it fair for males to compete in women's sports? And then they've handwritten no. No.

Did that need to be on the wall? Did that need to go on the evidence wall? Was that a big deal?

I love the fact that that, like, see, what ended up happening is they printed it out.

It wasn't supposed to have to have the no on it, but nobody involved with this movie could walk by it without just writing no on it. Yeah.

Yeah.

So earlier in the, in the movie, there's a pamphlet, what they call a pamphlet. It's literally just a sheet of paper that they handed out that had a thing called the gender bred man, right?

So it's like this thing earlier that we talked about. Well, they do this sort of ominous slow shot where they spin the camera around the gender, like they are digging through the evidence.

And this is the scariest thing that they receive. Like they're going to come on and like pick it up with tweezers and put it in an evidence bag in a few seconds.
Yeah.

Oh God, it's still got another piece of papers on the wall. It's got printed on it, what is the science?

And they've written four bullet points on that piece of paper, the first of which is fair playing field, which strictly speaking is not a scientific term.

That is not the science of being trans. I don't think, first of all, all the scientists would say fair playing field.
That's science. Yeah.

It's amazing because at one point, I think the lawyer even says to him, you know, most cases that are presented like this get dismissed without making it to trial.

It's like, what, presented a scrolled notes tactical?

Yeah, imagine they do, mate.

So, yeah, but then the lawyer has to meet with Lindsay and the coach. This is where we learned that the coach got fired for being a raging transphobe.
Great. Right.

Because like, just in the meeting, in the middle of a meeting, he started like yelling about the minority in the school that he disliked. So good.
Right, exactly.

Like, go do a podcast with Dave Daubenmeier. Like, a coach, not a coach.
Go do a podcast with that guy.

But yeah, but so at this point, too, we get what Marsh was talking about, that weird sympathy, right? Because Lindsay picks up a picture of the trans girl and she goes, like, you know, she thanked me.

I wonder maybe if it's not worth ruining this girl's life over this. Yeah.
Right. And they're like, oh, no, idiots.
First of all, I'm going to need you to misgender her, but also

100%, man. Yeah.
The lawyer says to her, look, we're not going to attack him or his feelings that he's a woman. And I wrote, other than in that sentence,

now I'm done. Now I'm done.
And bear in mind, this is all based on the Riley Gaines case. And in real life, they absolutely did generally at Thomas personally

and viciously over and again. Yes.
Yeah, yeah, exactly. But yeah, so, but they have that.
And now it's time for us to go to court. Yeah.
Our court at the state capitol building in Sacramento.

I looked it up. It's not a fucking regular courthouse.
They did a drone shot of the state Capitol building in Sacramento.

It's got a dome. It counts.

And just on the poisoning the well here, the swimmer, the trans swimmer, shows up in a suit with an open neck shirt, deliberately presenting them as male here to

make this point. Yeah, it's so shitty.
I loved it so much. There was a commenter on YouTube that said, and if he thinks of himself as a girl, why did he dress day after day in court as a male?

As though they'd scored a point. Nailed it.
It's like a documentary. What do you mean?

Right, right, yeah. Well, there was another one that said, what a stellar cast.
And another one that said, well, there's no shortages of tears and tissues.

So I don't think we can trust any of those folks. What? I'm dying to know what part of this movie they cried at.

But this is where we meet his honor, Dean Kane, presiding.

Yeah.

And honestly, it is such a shame that we're all now way too mature and grown up to make fun of people's appearances because there is a lot that we could make fun of here like at least 60 more than when he was in seasonal just by voting in the room

and okay i realize i realize that joke is me having my cake and eating it but in fairness that's what got dean pain into this decision

well let me just say he does not look to be in obstacle course shape. I'm just going to say that much about him.
He looks like an obstacle. Absolutely.
Yes. Yeah.

So, yeah, and then so he gets in and he's like, all right, right, we're ready to start the case.

And then the court erupts with the 11 and a half extras that they could muster to play the pro-LGBTQ folks that were going to get out of hand in the courtroom. Yeah.
Yep. Those damn human rights.

Yeah, because it's their argument constantly that these people can't deal with any facts. So they have to act emotionally.

So they're going to have an outburst in the court rather than have like a real conversation. But we're going to get a chance to find out what that real conversation is.

And it's the most laughable thing thing you've ever heard.

Yeah, well, but it's that, but it's also it serves a practical filmmaking purpose to explain why this big, important case only ever has three goddamn people scattered around people in there, yeah, and three of them are court reporters or whatever, yeah, right, right.

But yeah, so but Dean Kane clears the chambers, right?

And he's like, all right, well, this isn't really the trial. This is just we're going to decide if we're going to do a trial.
You guys going to do witnesses or what? And they're all like,

like, maybe,

maybe we'll do witnesses yeah outstanding also one of the witnesses is the pastor that like why is that he chatted to with about the lawyer earlier yeah it's it's how we got the lawyer's number why is they that guy there who the is that dude maybe he gets like a referral bonus maybe that's his like his little tastes you know expert witnesses like sometimes expert witnesses get paid so he puts you on to his lawyer guy his lawyer guy gets him in they've got a whole thing going on it's great yeah this is where we start to hear like for one thing dean kin is kind of picking up all the papers and trying to read the notes of the case and there is no way in the world those papers don't just include the words the actual script he's currently reading out everyone else 100 100 so yeah he goes like so can you uh cite some misleading statistics to support your transphobia Yeah, exactly.

They say physical and sexual abuse has risen 34% in high schools where we see gender crossover in neutral locker rooms.

And I wrote, oh, this movie's going to win the case by just making facts up in that fiction.

I mean, you know, look,

yeah, I have no idea where the fuck that number came from. I couldn't find it anywhere in the goddamn universe.
But like, if there's an increase in physical and sexual abuse in those,

I would assume that's people beating up trans kids. That's just a gas.
I mean, like, I don't know if it's even real, but yeah.

But the bad guy lawyer, the lady lawyer, Janet, she steps up at this point and she goes, well, you know, trans people are more likely to be the victims of abuse.

And the good guy lawyer, right, our hero goes, well, I disagree.

That's his entire argument. And that's it.
That's the end of it. I disagree.
And the data disagrees.

None of the data that he's presenting at any point because the data does not disagree with that at all. Nope.
Yeah. Nope.

And Dean Kane, we should point out, like, at no point does he even pretend to be objective about this. Oh, yeah.
Right. Like, even his character is like, yeah, no, fuck those trans people, right?

He keeps doing smackdowns on the pro-trans lawyer. Yeah.
Is there ever a shot where Dean Kane is on screen at the same time, in the same shot as any of the other people?

I think like I don't think he's in the room for most of the court scene. I don't think so.

I was trying to, I was looking for him and Sorbo to be in the same shot together. I don't think they ever were.

I think there's a shot where you can see like a judge's hand in the foreground and Sorbo in the background, but that's it. Yeah.

Yeah, I think there's a shot with Dean Kin and a later witness in the background, and that's literally it.

I wonder whether they didn't have Dean Kane for a lot of this film and then they realized they could get Dean Kin and brought him in as the judge because it like because he's just not seen with anyone else, pretty much in the entire film.

Yeah, no, I would imagine he did this from his fucking living room or something.

So, but then he's he's like, they're arguing about doing chromosomal testing of high school athletes. And Janet is saying, like, well, you don't need to do that.
I have no idea.

Like, they give this character a name like eight minutes before the movie's over. So, but I have a doubt as lady lawyer threw out my notes, and that seems disrespectful.

So, but Janet's like, well, you know, we're going to show that that's not true. And Dean Kane goes like, well, you suppose you have an expert witness for that, do you?

Yeah. Yeah.
He's very sneery about the prospect of experts on anything. Okay, that tracks.
That makes sense. Don't you make me come over this bench because I will not make it.

I actually won't make it over the bench.

I'll be stuck over here the whole time, like the ice obstacle course. I'll be stuck right here.

Like the fake John John Travolta lawyer, he says, if we test for XX and XY chromosomes, that will cleanly show male is physiologically more advantageous in every case.

It's like the chromosome test is going to show physically advantageous in every case. What do you think the chromosome contains?

Like a list of when men are better than women if you zoom right in by just done into the chromosomes.

Well, it this he also claims that there are no female to male trans athletes, which is fucking nonsense. Of course, there is, but uh,

you're just not mad about it as all. Yeah, exactly.
You're just a hundred percent not mad about it.

But then he's doing his big, his first big courtroom speech, so YouTube drops another ad right in the middle of it. Nice.
Yeah, that's good.

So, but Dean Kane needs a break for a shit. So he takes a recess.
Yeah, his script has run out. He's got the bottom of that piece of paper.
Yeah, he needs the next piece of paper.

Yeah, so they can't just hand it to him. So, but this is the scene where like Lindsay runs to the vending machine for a soda and the trans girl like sneaks out to follow her.

Oh, when she gets the vending machine, I really wanted like her to find that the trans swimmer has already taken literally every one of the drinks out of the vending machine.

Like, goddamn it, she beat me again.

But yeah, but so, and then we have another very sympathetic moment where the trans girl and Alex, Alex is this character's name eventually, where Alex says, you know, like, oh, man, I really, I'm really sorry that this is all happening.

And she's like, yeah, it's really rough on us. And she, and Alex is like, oh, you, it's rough on you, huh?

And she says, hey, you know, at least your dad supports you. You don't see my parents in that courtroom, do you?

Woof.

yeah right that sounds like the kind of thing we'll never come back to at any point right now you'll come back to it but it'll be during a phone conversation yeah right yeah there's this moment that happens at the at the you know sorry to get a little serious here but there's a moment there where they're having this conversation where marsh you know had mentioned earlier like sometimes there's some like moments in this movie you're like wow it this actually uh did you film this i it seems like you're not you're you're not making the point you set out to make yeah and in this particular scene, what is really shown is like, hey, if we just left this up to the kids, no one would fucking care.

If it wasn't the hunger games for fucking college, nobody would fucking even think about this. Yeah, it's totally different.
And it's just these two kids are like, hey, you seem pretty cool.

And the other one's like, yeah, you seem pretty cool. Hey, cheers.
Let's cheers our colas and go back into this courtroom. Right.

She literally says like, hey, you know, whatever you say, I'll accept. Are you a girl or a boy? Which is a dick thing because like Alex has made it very clear that she's a girl, right?

But but she says, I'm a girl. I've always felt that way.
And she's like, oh, okay, I will treat you as such for the rest of our relationship.

Now, I also want to, like, while we're being serious anyway, I want to point out that the sympathy thing here is that they are trying ultimately to present Alex as a victim of trans ideology, right?

Yes. Yes.

Like it's a very, you know, hate the sin, not the sinner kind of a message that the movie goes out of its way to show that like, you know, oh, these Christians would be very accepting if they would just admit that it's, you know, a terrible mental disorder that needs to be conversion therapied out of them or whatever, right?

Or they retreat to it because of abuse and you'll find that out later on. That's exactly

exactly. But so, okay, so we go back into court and Dean Kane has some thoughts that he'd like to share.

Before they left, though, there's a moment. where the lawyer looks down before they even leave.
Oh, yes.

And he looks down and he sees the ticket and he grabs the ticket and he's like, and he's looking at it and he He tossed in his hand. And I wrote, I'm like, Chekhov's ticket, he's gonna

figure out that ticket is the big thing that's gonna turn the whole case around in act three. And I just missed how long it would take for that.

Right, it's gonna take me, it's gonna give it over two seconds. Yeah, right.

No, this is this movie's stupid ass attempt to do the fucking, like, you know, the tire tracks picture from my cousin Vinny or whatever that cracks the case.

So, so Dean Kane's like, you know, I'm, I'm like, I'm one piece of last-minute evidence away from saying yes, it might have just been.

And the lawyer's like,

it's so stupid. And he goes, I actually have that evidence.
And he holds up the ticket. And Cecil goes, Really, already? And he's like, Yep, already.

And all right, listeners, get ready for the dumbest thing you're going to hear today.

Genuinely, genuinely the stupidest shit. This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen in any courtroom.
It's amazing.

He goes, On the back of this ticket, it says that there would be no refunds except

for acts of God.

Which means that this event accepts the existence of God. And if it's, if God exists, he must be an authority.
And therefore, he would be the authority on who's a man and who's a woman.

It's so embarrassingly stupid, man. And the lady lawyer, Janet goes like,

Hey, is God going to come down here and be a witness? And he's like, no.

We get our first example of the canned laughter, right? Because he goes, unless he wants to. And then we get our canned laughter.
And again, we can see everyone in the courtroom except Dean Kane.

No one's laughing. So unless Dean Kane is running around and laughing in six or seven different voices during this scene.
Yeah, behind them is

like the coach, the preacher, and like two people in the audience. And literally no one is even making a facial expression when the laughter hits.
Right.

But we hear a fucking, we hear laughter from the crowd. And he says, but we don't need God to testify because because we've already accepted that the Bible is an authority.

Just look what we're swearing in on. And Dean King's like, I don't know.
He's like, it's on our money. He goes, he goes, it's on our Pledge of Allegiance.
He goes, I'm sold.

It's so stupid. He's going to allow it.
He said, he's going to allow it. Allow what? Allow the Bible trumps the law of the land.
Yes.

Like, I feel like if that's a thing that a judge can allow, he just wrought himself out of a job at that point.

What law are you upholding? Also, I mean, like this, this is genuinely the stupidest thing I've ever seen.

But it's even stupider than this movie thinks because that ticket we established earlier, Lindsay didn't need a ticket because she was a competitor. The ticket was for the dad to get in.

So the act of God is based on a refund. So at best, this can tell us about whether her dad gets a refund or not.
And I really wanted the end of the case to be he gets his like seven dollars back.

So there we go. You've won the case.
Here's seven dollars. Oh, amazing.
So bad.

But Deeds, but Deeds, like it's so crazy it just might work jury selection starts next week because you know how fast courts are sure well dean specifically says my schedule is free for the next few weeks and i feel that wasn't in the script it was just true about these things

and then we get clapping from the non-existent audience as well again we yeah they clapped because they set a trial date there wasn't anything that happened Yes,

and then Janet won't even shake Judge Voltesler's stupid hand.

Just like that thing used to do in grade school. You're like, psyche, it's like one of those things, right? Yeah, right.
She starts and then she

smooths her hair back or whatever. Yeah, so okay.
I did find the laughing, by the way, the laughing found the sound effect is called small laughing.

That's good. They weren't overestimating it.
That's good.

They did a good job. Yeah, they had to find a very small room full of laughing.
Right. Yeah, there was a medium laughter and large laughter that came in that bundle, and they were

no. We'll say them

well they probably cost more monies yeah

so like they hear the medium laughter and they're like what you know what we can get for six bucks

i will trade you this empty pizza box

he didn't eat all of the crusts So then we get this reaction montage to Dean Kane showing that he shouldn't be allowed to be a judge.

Janet and her law partners are all freaking out. Then there's this newscaster voice that shows up and gives us this surprisingly detailed summary of the movie up to this point.
Yeah, yeah.

What they give is, this is the opening line of it, in a surprise ruling, the judge is permitting to trial the very first and very controversial issue of allowing transgenders to participate in school athletics.

And I felt that sentence really got away from you. You forgot how that transgenders.

You've really lost track. And I'm pretty sure the news would actually, if they wouldn't report on this, they'd lead on the even more surprising ruling that you can call God as an expert witness.
Yes.

But fuck you, wouldn't lead that way, but everybody else would lead that way. Well, right, yeah, yeah.

I hope they call God and all the different big religious figures have to come in and play rock, paper, scissors to see who wins. It's like a big, long Rochambeau tournament just to see.

So, and this is also this newscaster is where he goes, the media are calling it the miracle on 34th Street for women's sports.

And I'm like, wow, you would have thought the media would have come up with a better name. That's clunky and stupid.

Yeah, than using what is definitely the line the writers used to pitch this movie to the sex. That is what that is.
That's the elevator pitch. Yeah.

So we get more montage of lawyers lawyering, swimmers swimming, coaches coaching, and dad also working very hard. He plays an important role.
Being quirky and a bigot. Yes.
All right.

Well, I need a minute to see where that legal argument ranks on dumbest things that have ever happened in gam movies, right, on the list here. So we're going to take another quick break.

But first, let me give Act Three the hard sell.

Will anyone object to anything correctly during the court proceedings? Will both lawyers get an opening statement? Will either lawyer get a closing argument? No,

no, and no.

So, stick around and see what they do instead during the I shit you not sorbo full conclusion of

and God made man.

Hey, Noah. Hey, Eli.
What are you doing here? Oh, I just thought I'd stop by and return your Boflex. Yeah?

You sure that's the only reason? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, just giving back your Boflex.

So it didn't work for you?

Actually, it was fine. It's just now that I have Fitbod, I don't need gimmicky workout machines or programs.
What's Fitbod?

Fitbod is an app that combines the workout planning and tracking you need to stay consistent and make progress. Well, how does it do that?

Fitbod creates a personalized workout routine based on your goals, fitness level, and available equipment. It's like having a personal trainer in your pocket.
Amazing. But have you actually tried it?

I sure have. I started using Fitbod when they first became a sponsor.

I love that Fitbot adapts to my workout schedule so I can work the muscles I need to and I'm never stuck with the same boring couple of exercises. All right, Eli, I'm sold.
Where do I sign up?

Level up your workout. Join Fitbod today to get your personalized workout plan.
Get 25% off your subscription or try the app for free for seven days at fitbod.me slash gam. That's f-i-t-b-o-d dot me

slash gam. All right, Eli, thanks.

So is Cecil. Eli, the judge, was so clear.
Yep, got it. I'm going.
It's just incredibly clear. Nope, he was.
He was.

And for my final expert witness on women's sports, I call to the stand, Boston Lady. Boston Lady, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you, God?

I'll swear whatever the fuck you want.

Close enough, I guess.

Now, Boston lady, you were a high school athlete, were you not? You bet your fucking sweet pippy I was. And what were your sports? Well, I did

knife fighting and competitive squad.

I don't think knife fighting is a high school sport, ma'am. Why the fuck did I get a letter in it, Smarty Pants?

I've just never heard of it. I'll fucking knife fight you right fucking down to prove it.
Okay, okay, that won't be necessary. Okay.
And in your experience, are men better at sports than women?

Men aren't good at shit, but getting me fucking pregnant. Now, Miss, I'm going to need you to respect the decorum of my court.

Hold the fuck on. Who is who the who are you?

I'm the judge. No, I mean, I mean, where are you from?

I know you. Oh, I was on a little show called Lois and Clark.
I never heard of it.

It was a Superman show.

Oh, would you play fucking Krypton? I played Superman. Wait, not looking like that.
You didn't. Boston lady, will you please just answer the question? I'm sorry.
What was the question again?

Are men better than women at sports? Okay, how about me and Toby step into the obstacle course and we find out. Baylift, have this woman removed.
Get your fucking hands off me. I'm pregnant.

No, you're not.

Well, you look pregnant.

and we're back for still more of this shit, and we're ready for the big trial to begin.

Well, sorry, they're about to bring in the jury, and Judge Dean Kane is like, so do we have any pre-jury shenanigans that anybody wants to do?

And Janet's like, does it matter? Because you're clearly a ridiculous bigot just making shit up as you go along. He's like, enough.
Thanks. It's like, okay.

Holy shit. Enjoy contempt.
Man, fucking A. Yeah.
I love how Janet has sat next to like the head of like legal for the NCAA or whatever it is.

And he says, he says to her, it's incredibly important we win this case. It's like, yeah, man, that's why we're here.

What do you think that's going to do? How much more motivation do you think it's going to give them? If it wasn't important, we would have just said, okay. Yeah, right.
That's it.

Spending a lot of money and time here. So, all right.
So now it's time for opening statements. Now, I say opening statements.
Fucking amazing. There's only going to be one.

Only the good guys, only they're good guys get an opening statement. So he says, he opens up.
He's like, there's just men and ladies. That's it.
I mean, come on. Duh.
It's pretty much duh.

I think his opening statement starts with yes. I think I wrote down that his first line of his opening statement is just, yes.
It's like, yeah, it's good. No, that's solid.
I sure am right.

And he also says, and the defense, they're going to use words like biphobia. It's like, why would they use words like biphobia?

Nobody can use bisexual like this isn't about anyone being bisexual it's amazing yeah he goes you know my oh my he enters the bible into evidence in his opening statement

you can enter evidence in your opening statement by the way he goes my whole argument is based on a misunderstanding of the musings of thousands of years dead mystics that's what i got

she's got and then she's like i'd like to talk during your opening statement he's like well yeah she interrupts him she takes this bible and then she starts talking like it's her turn in a rap battle.

Yeah, she says, Well, you know, God created people, but then God created a rainbow. And to be honest, I would have gone with, and then God told a guy to kill his baby and then he drowned everyone.

So maybe we don't use him as our legal arbiter. And then he fit all the animals in a single boat.
And he turned somebody into salt. It's like, get the fuck out of here.

Also, during his opening statement, he says, and now they're up to 187 genders. And I thought, wow, they were only on 100 earlier.
That's another 87 during the year.

They're just churning these out like the way Thomas Smith turns out new podcasts. It's just keep coming up with new ones.

So, yeah, but so she says, you know, the Bible actually agrees with me and she drops the Bible back. And then he's like, well, I want to, I want to start talking.

You know, she goes, like, as she sets it down, she's like, you won't find any other passages that support your transphobia. And he's like, oh, I think I will.

And so they rattle off like eight or nine bigoted passages of the Bible. Before he does, though, he's like, Judge, can I offer a rebuttal? I'm like, dude, it's your opening statement.

Your rebuttal, you don't need to ask. Yeah, it's so good.
It's so good.

Like, this bears so little relationship to a courtroom, they might as well be forced to do a thumb wrestle to determine who's right.

This is just wild.

Honestly, like, the fact that the judge is just, he's allowed this to happen at all. I really wanted us to turn to the jury and see it was just the rest of the swim team.
Like, fuck it.

We've already scooped it through so badly. We might as well go all out on it.

Yeah, so, okay, so but that now, but what we've established now is that God says so is a valid argument. We just need to establish what it is that God says.
Yeah.

And so, but now it's time for him to call his first witness. She doesn't get an opening statement.
She only gets to heckle his,

I guess. Yeah.
Right.

And this leads us into the expert witness montage.

Which

is really just a, let's all go around the room and say a transphobic talking point into the camera montage. That's 100% it.

Right. And then they use the canned laughter during part of this.

So while they're making transphobic comments, they went back to the fucking royalty-free laughter they found earlier to stuff into the fucking edit. Yeah.

Like one expert witness says, women's sports shouldn't be the destination for failed male athletes. But like, that's not expert testimony.
That's just an opinion.

Like all of these expert witnesses, it's just what your boomerante's sharing on Facebook. That's all.
It really is. Right.

There's that one random Karen that comes in to start yelling about the books on transgenders that they're giving the kids in the schools these days that are telling them to change their genders.

And I'm like, what does this have to do with the swimming and God? Like, even if we establish that you're trying to figure out what God thinks of things, what would that have to do with it? Right?

And then they, then they're talking about like when the in God we trust was put on our money or when in God we trust or when under God was put into the pledge.

It's like all that shit was put in in like the fucking 1940s like late 1940s 19 because of the red scare do you people not even know what's happening in your own country well and let's keep in mind that they justify it being there by pretending it's secular right so and now they're trying to use it to justify their theocracy yeah so fucking full of shit but so yeah so we get a bunch of like and honestly it feels like so many of these expert witnesses were just people who randomly wandered in there and wanted to yell about transgender people and the cat and the fucking director was like, this is gold.

Keep rolling.

So, but then Dean Kane needs another shit, right? So court is adjourned.

He ate a lot of pizza crusts. He's not in there for a while.

So as they're leaving the court, though, the trans girl comes up and hands Lindsay a note

or a blank piece of paper. I mean, we see it's a fucking note.
Probably.

They literally show us this completely blank piece of paper. This movie is so stupid, it can't do handing over a note publicly.

could have just written anything on it but yeah so but lindsay goes back to her room and and starts feeling bad about maybe ruining that girl's life forever over a swim meet so she calls her i guess that the the trans girl had alex had given her her phone number yeah and the thing is right it'd be quite easy for her to just for a you know a well-made movie would have her kind of contemplating things and then spontaneously deciding now is the time to call this movie can't do that so she goes into her bag and the note falls out of her bag but we just saw the note in your hand five seconds ago.

We didn't see you put it anywhere. You didn't need to establish where the note was.

And also,

it's not the same piece of paper. It's a totally different size.

It's not bigger than a note. Yes, or the note was much bigger.
Yes, exactly.

So she calls to Alex, and Alex is putting together Legos. I don't know what they're trying to say with that, but I think what they're trying to say is there's a female Lego and a male.

No, they're both the same. It turns out.

So, but Alex says, Hey, do you hate me? And

Lindsay's like, well, I don't even know you.

And she says,

I never wanted to ruin your life. And I'm like,

but you are, right? Like, you're going to continue to do that, though. You will continue to do that.
Yeah. Yeah.

This is where I wrote, does this movie know that the adults are the problem here? Like everything else is fine. It's the adults who are fucking everything up for everybody here.
Right.

And then there's that scene at the end of this call where they're sort of like getting ready to hang up and then they're shouting and screaming.

And Alex leans over and like holds their hands against their ears because someone in their life is super abusive.

And you're like, and then there's this moment because I recognize your point, Noah, that they're doing this very specifically to show you like they're doing it for attention or they're doing it as rebellion or they're doing it in spite of the people who, you know, are their parents or whatever.

Or that they're mentally ill, right? Yeah, or they're mentally ill, but at the same time, just like, I'm like, holy shit. Do you hear you, movie?

Do you see see that they are that like this is something that many trans people have to deal with is shitty religious people attacking them, even their own parents? Right.

I was genuinely worried by this bit as well because the phone call that Alex has with Lindsay, it's so like there's a genuine kind of caringness to it.

And I thought, oh, fuck, this movie's going to have her like D-trans the swimmer and they fall in love. Is that where the score?

But I wondered whether they left that door. Yeah, I think they got got pretty close to that.
Because it really felt like this was going to be like love interest territory. Right.
Yeah.

So, okay, so now we're back in court for day two. The athletic director for the state of California is on the stand.

It's fucking amazing. This is the best guy ever.
He's having a panic attack the whole time. He's on the stand.
As though the actor's nervous, right? Yes, right. Yeah.

The guy is, the actor is having a panic attack, and it is coming through in the acting. Yeah.

So there's a big, long like, what would you say you do here moment between him and the John Travolta lawyer, the good lawyer. Yeah.

I can't say the good, the good, this movie's good guy's lawyer. Yes, yeah, yeah.
He asks him, have any records been broken the last seven years?

And that's the question he's got for the expert witness here. And because he can't remember, he's like, oh, I don't off the top of my head.

Like they're gotchering him for not being able to recite the track and field records for all of California, apparently. Yeah.
Yeah.

And then they ask him, they say, would you say that someone ranked 31st has a chance at a scholarship? And I'm like, better question.

Would you say people have more academic worth than their race times? Do you think maybe that's what we should be focusing on? Right.

But the roundabout point that he ends up trying to make with this guy is that, boy, all of these records of the fastest and the strongest all seem to be boys, not girls, because boys are better at sports.

But they do lie about these records, as best I could tell, because they say, well, the current record for the state of california's 100 meter sprint is 9.96 seconds for boys and 11.39 seconds for girls so i looked up the u.s national high school records and 100 meters for boys is 9.93 so you know it could be 9.96 when this film was made it's 10.89 seconds for girls so this movie added 0.03 to the national for boys and 0.5 of a second for girls and then points out that that's a big difference like yes because you've made it a big difference yes yes right yeah Created it.

But then the lawyer just straight up accuses Alex of changing genders just to win more swimming competitions. Yeah.

And Alex's lawyer objects to that, but with obviously the wrong objection here, because the objection like she does is that, well, that is offensive. That's not the objection.

The objection here should be. you're claiming to know the swimmer's intent.
Yes.

What they were thinking, which you can't possibly do. So that is not, you can't say this was what was in your mind.
That's what objection she should bring up. Also, you shouldn't be testifying.

You should be asking your fucking witness stuff, right? Like there's also that. There's all she, there's this whole cornucopia of potential objections.
And she's like, he keeps misgendering my client.

And I'm like, well, yeah.

But then, but then Dean Kane's like, I don't give a fuck what gender anybody calls anybody. And she's like, okay, ma'am.
And he goes, well, now I do.

No, it was, don't do that, though.

Yeah, I didn't get that thank you, mom, line. It was like ADR'd in.
And I didn't know who was saying it to who and for what purpose. So I've like, cause I thought it was a guy saying it.

So it was the lawyer on the, like, the, the, the good lawyer, the John Travolta lawyer, him saying it. So what was, what was that line?

No, I think it was supposed to be her saying it or her assistant saying it to the John Travolta lawyer.

I actually think it was supposed to be her, but they ADR'd it with whoever happened to be there at the time. Okay, because it talks like

a guy's voice. Yeah, it might have been, yeah.
But so, but now the lady, uh, Janet is going to cross-examine the athletic director guy, right?

And he accidentally misgenders Alex as well. So he's admitting that Alex is really a boy.

The jury gasps in horror when he does. They do, but like her question to him, to the expert went to say, Mr.
Compton, is Alex a bigger athlete than Lindsay?

So that's your opening question as the defense.

Yes.

And then she's like, no further questions. Like, what do you mean? You asked, is this person taller than this person? What point could that have possibly advanced in your favor?

Well, I think what they're going for is that she's trying to say, well, yeah, sure, sometimes athletes are bigger than other ones and that gives them an advantage, right?

Ah, okay, because if I was the director of athletics for all of California, I'd be well pissed off that I got called to the standing court to eyeball somebody's objective height. Well, and to recite.

Call a ruler to the stand. Yes, right.
Yeah, exactly. And recite statistics that you handed me.
Yeah. Yeah.
But that's okay because John Travolta lawyer has a redirect, right?

He says, Hey, are shot foots different weights for boys and girls? And he's like, Ah, fuck, man. Yeah, they are.
Gosh, damn, got me. But then he answers the questions himself, I think.

I don't think he lets Brian complain

to answer. So, like, yeah, he just gets up and asks a lot of questions and answers himself.
That's not how you cross-examine a witness. Yep.
He points out that

women golf from T's that are closer to the pin. So obviously, men are stronger and better, right?

And then the movie's first and I believe last African-American.

So unbelievably awful. It's so bad because this guy is like, they're like, hey, look, how many stereotypes can you embody at once?

Right?

So he's the flippant, gay, black, disrespectful, liberal communist. Yes, right? That's six, I think, right? And their opening question to him is, are we oppressing you?

That's their open question to the only black person in this movie. And weirdly, the all-white Jewry do not warm to this man.

Didn't like him. Didn't like him.

Yeah. Like, there's so many straw men in this guy.
It's like stacking hay bales. It's insane.

No,

I felt like at this point, I was like, did Dean Kane have a racism minimum they weren't meeting in this movie? You got to do a little. You got to do a little.

It's got to be a nod in there. It's so fucking cringe, dude.
It is so unbelievable. Because they embody the entire argument in someone that they clearly disrespect.

And you're just like, oh, my God, how gross are you people? Yeah. Well, and then all the other witnesses we see are basically just clips from pissed off dads talking into cameras in their Ford F-150s.

It feels to me like what they did was.

They went out and hoovered up all the people who had been, you know, quote unquote, wronged by trans people in sports, and then they had them in their movie.

I was totally expecting to have a Gina Carano moment on the stand, like she was going to be standing there. Yeah, yeah, no, that I'm sure that's what that is.

That they didn't bring actors, they just brought actual angry Ford F-150 owners. Yeah,

and then so now we're back home. Lindsay's on the internet, and she's seeing that everybody's saying really mean stuff about her online.

And I'm like, Yeah, no, those anti-trans people sure do get bullied online a lot. The anti-trans people sure do.

But like, yeah, she's so upset about how many people hate her for her dad completely persecuting Alex. Well, you know, there's a solution here.
Don't be a persecuting bigot. And it might be fun.

Right. And her dad's response is, well, facts and feelings are different things.
Yeah, that's totally what he actually fucking says. That's all right, Ben Shapiro.
Fucking hell.

She says, I have 271 emails telling me to kill myself. And I'm like, it's weird that you kept that specific of account of them.

But also, like, I mean, and I remember, yeah, no, cis athletes sure do get a lot of kill yourself messages online. It's a real problem.
Okay, right.

Jesus Christ. Fuck.
And then, dad, for the first time in the whole fucking movie, he's like, well, what do you want to do? Yeah.

And she's like, well, I want to keep fighting and pray and win because you've made it. So that's really the only choice for me now.
Yeah, pretty much. Yeah.
She says, we do what we've always done.

We pray, we keep moving forward and we fight. It's like, yes, but you're fighting trans kids.
That's what you're fighting.

Exactly. And the dad's like, what do you want to do? But don't pick anything that's going to make me upset now.
Okay. Whatever you do, you got to pick the right thing.
Right. So, okay.

So now we're back for possibly the most offensive portion of the movie. This is the part where they're going to try to argue that being trans is a mental disorder that we should be trying to cure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right.
And their argument is going to be the way they're going to try to get here is that at one time it was listed as such in the DSM, and now it's not.

And it wasn't changed based on any new research. It was changed based on new understandings and beliefs about whether or not this qualified as a mental illness, right? Yes.

You can't say it now because it's offensive.

And then they've got to add the it's offensive before their side can like invalidate the argument at all, because if they met the argument on its merits, they wouldn't stand a chance. Yes, absolutely.

Yeah, exactly. And of course, obviously there was fucking other research that came between when this was first included and when it was like eliminated.

But the reason it was eliminated is, yes, because it was bigotry. There is so much shit that used to be in the DSM, but was taken out because it was bigotry.

Yeah. And I wrote, I bet this guy also calls it grids rather than AIDS.
He refused to change like from grids to AIDS.

But yeah, but so he bullies some psychologists about whether it's still a mental disorder. And Janet keeps objecting, but Dean Kane is on the transphobe side, so he just overrules it.
Yes.

But right, but she's just saying objection. She's not saying on what grounds she's objecting or what she's objecting to.
It's just the word objection. And he's like, overruled.

You don't know what she's saying. They don't know about grounds.

And the thing is, remember, this trial wasn't going to go ahead, except they brought in that one extra bit of evidence that swayed it, which was God. This trial hasn't mentioned God for quite a while.

None of this is about God in any way, which was the only reason this trial was existing.

So, and then he's going to question the fucking, the chief gender-affirming surgeon at some hospital or another?

Not just at any hospital, the sex change capital of the world that has performed 200 gender reassignment surgeries. But that's a massive issue.

It's still this, it's still a huge issue with those 200 surgeries. That's in the capital of the world for this.
Yes, that's 200 surgeries.

Yes, exactly. But she decided to stop doing those surgeries because she realized it was a mental disorder.

And speaking of made-up statistics, at this point, she says that over 50% of people who get gender reassignment surgeries want to get it reversed. Yes.

At which point I realized we were watching a sci-fi film and it all made sense.

Yeah, exactly. I gotcha.
No, it's less than 1%.

Like, I wrote my notes. That's such a lie.
I literally expected better from a Dean Kane movie.

But she goes, you know, it's just, it's trendy to be trans. And I'm like, yeah, no, the popularity of those trans people is just through the roof right now.
Yeah. Yeah.

Also, this line kind of scared me. She's like, you know, it's a mental disorder that deserves treatment.
And he, the lawyer, goes, what about prevention? And she says, yes.

And I'm like, what the fuck does that mean, guys?

Right. Not anything good.
Yeah. Yeah.

So, but then Janet brings on. her expert witness who is a trans woman with a mustache.
Yep.

Get it. Got to do that.
And the only saving grace of this fake trans person, because it's very clearly someone who's just an actor, who isn't a trans person at all, they brought in.

So the only saving grace is that the bigot playing, like the bigot who is the actor playing them, must have really hated doing this.

So that's the only

saving grace at all.

I hope you hated it. But then I think like he accidentally like lets the legal loophole slip or something, but they never really come back to it.
Yeah,

I wrote him in my notes. We're watching a courtroom drama analyzing statements made by a fictional character who says they were taking out of context.

Like we are several layers deep, like we've swooved a doodly-doo. And I can't believe where we are.

It's that sci-fi universe. Yeah, right, right.

Yeah.

All right. But so now it's time to go back to church, but evil church this time.
Uh-oh. Right.
It's coming up. It's a different church.
Yeah. Yeah.

It's hard to tell because they're all white like that. Yeah.

But so, but now

Janet has got to go get her. It's time for them to like, you know, God up for the God portion of the thing.
Absolutely. So she's got to go find a liberal pastor that'll be pro-trans.

So who does she find?

But Kay Sobs. Kay Sobs?

I checked. We had 15 minutes left of the film when we see our first Kevin Solbo appearance.
Including the credits. I felt cheated by this.

So real quick before the credits roll, they introduced the star of the film. And And she says, you know, well, I need a liberal pastor that'll be an expert witness about how God loves trans people.

And he's like, oh, no, we're Methodist. Yeah, no, obviously.
I got you.

We're the bad religious people. Yeah.

But he says, like, he basically says, no, look, we are the gayest of all the churches over here.

Yeah.

She says something about like mainstream churches, and he says, oh, mainstream churches, I wish they were like the mainstream media. Thank God they're on our side.
Yes.

God, that's so clunky. It's so clunky.

And the next line, he's like, yeah, I always love to raise funds for our church. The way he says it, you're just like, okay, 100%

these people are like, we've got an agenda. Let's make sure we've hit all the bullets in this guy's speech.
I think he's saying the opposite.

I think what he's saying is like the evangelicals use, he says like he wants to stop the evangelicals who are using hate and divisiveness to fundraise and gain power. And he's playing the bad guy.

He thinks he's playing the bad guy. That's all bad things.

And it's so over the top that, like, genuinely, he should turn to the camera at every fucking moment, after every line delivery, and say, that's you. That's what you sound like, Cecil.

You sound like that.

So, but yeah, but he goes, she says, you know, so what are your credentials? He goes, I went to a top divinity school. I'm like, weird that you guys couldn't name one off the top of your head.

But he agrees to be, he's going to be in the case. So now we're headed back to the court.

The newscaster is going to catch us up on all the things that we just saw again and remind us what the stakes are.

And I guess today they're going to finally get around to doing the God part.

Oh, sorry. There is one point that the news reader does say here.
This is the line. The defendant's own expert, Dr.

Rothschild, a transgender woman, seemed to corroborate physical difference between male and females. Sorry, Dr.
What now? Like

a fake transgender person was called Dr. Rothschild.

Just throwing in there. I missed it.
Woof. Oh, Jesus.
Okay, so we get Coach on the stand. Again, he wrote the movie.
He wants to say more transphobic stuff himself. Right.
They get him on the stand.

And he says, Lindsay refers to you as Coach. Is it okay if I do too? It's like, no, this is a court of law.
That's fucking weird.

She also calls her dad daddy. I don't think she should cross-examine him that way.

Your wife refuses to you as the fucking loser. Can we use that?

Right, right. He's like, look, the movie has not named you.
Can I just call you coach? She's like, oh, well, in that case, yes, we can go. That's fine.

But he explains that Lindsay is the best, hardest, most diligent swimmer ever. And she totally would have got a scholarship except that,

you know, Alex won that one race, a thing that he would be able to know.

Yeah. Right.
Well, she says she might get a scholarship because she's one of the top five swimmers in the district. It's like, right, but top five.

You think she can get a scholarship if she's in the top five? So she could, for example, finish second in a single race and still get a scholarship.

What are we fucking doing here? What is this case then? Right.

And then he says, he's like, oh, and, you know, she would have gone to like a couple of places where these swimming scouts would be out there looking for people.

And I'm like, what the fuck does a swimming scout do? Did you just look at the times at how fast people raced? Because that's a real easy job I'd love to have. You would think, yeah, right, right.

Well, and then, okay, then Janet stands up to do her cross-examination, which is amazing, right?

She's like, well, you know, you are arguing, coach, that being a man makes you stronger and better at swimming, right? And he's like, yeah. And she's like, but women retain more fat, don't they?

And he goes, yes, they tend to. And she goes, and fat floats, doesn't it? And he's like, oh, no.
Oh, my God. That's,

oh, I've been had. I've been got.
No, but like, they have to have the defense fuck up this case by knowing nothing about swimming because again, they can't win on the merits.

But I think the school could appeal here for like ineffective counsel because she's asking really stupid questions that are not just bad, but are like actively useless, actively inept at her job.

Yeah, right, right.

So, but then, okay, so but he gets done and then

his honored Dean Kane presiding says, all right, now you guys have agreed to only have one religious person each.

And he goes, yeah, yeah, we're each going to have one

expert in religion. So first we call Kevin Sorbo to the stand.
Okay, and Kevin Sorbo's character is Reverend Ernest Coughlin. And to be clear, I had to check again.

Dean's character is called Judge Ernest. So K Sorbs is Ernestine and Dean King is Ernest.
It's one of those like Sal Ron and Sauramond kind of situations.

One of those guys has a ring on his neck, too.

Oh, right. Holy shit.

So, but they call Kay Sorbes to the stand. And what his character is supposed to do is to make us hate him, right?

Like, and make us think that he's the worst in the fucking world and he's supposed to be a pastor right so as christian viewers we're inclined to like him and he's chasorb so we're inclined to love him right so he has to go crazy over the top so immediately they're like you know swear on this bible he's like no i speak for god that bible should swear in on me if you think about it

yeah yeah it's amazing it's amazing refuses the bible if he rejects the rule of law um so he's obviously silly and so dean kane's response to this is to just ask everyone in the trial if they're cool with him not swearing in.

Yes. Like, no, obviously you're not cool.
His testimony would be thrown out and he'd be dismissed. Like, you can't, it's inadmissible at this point.

They keep on doing this throughout the whole movie that they're like, oh, well, you have to swear on a Bible in order to get in court of law. So therefore, God's allowed in the courtroom.

And you're like, no, there's two different. oaths.
You can just not say God too. That's also an argument.
And you don't have to use a Bible either.

In my notes, I was like, yeah, just do the one that says no God then. Because that's the second one.
You could just do that one. You can do it on a law book or something if you want to.

You don't have to do it on anything. Right.
No, you can just say it. Yeah.
You just say it.

But instead, he goes, like, I bet you have a picture of the last supper with a bunch of fucking white apostles in it.

Fucking assholes. Bunch of fucking assholes.

And then so, but then Janet gets up and she goes, like, so what's the biblical difference between a man and a woman?

And the answer that he's supposed to be giving is, well, you know, we are all one in the eyes of God,

but he has to give it like a dick.

Yeah.

So that this writer has to go out of their way to make like, what is the only good message in their whole fucking religion seem like a thing an asshole would say. Yeah.

And it's, it's great because everything he says about the Bible and stuff at this point, he's just spitting fire. It's amazing.
It's like he's right on everything in this movie. He does not know that.

It's great.

Yeah.

Well, and she goes, you know, she goes, did God create transgender people? And of course, the answer in their own fucking mythology has to be yes.

So, in order to make you still hate Kevin, he goes, Yes,

she did.

Yeah.

Amazing.

Ooh, they're going to hate him.

There's a moment, too, in this, where I think it's Sorbo mentions something about menstruating, and he says that people won't sit on the seat because a woman menstruated.

Here's a moment there where he mentions this. Yeah.
And

after Sorbo's done, the guy who's the fucking prosecuting attorney or the person who's actually bringing the case, the attorney's bringing the case, reaches up and grabs a tissue to put on his chair after it's over because they were talking about women menstruating on chairs.

And I'm like,

that is grotesque is that to have him like mock a fucking, you know, one of the things that they think is like, you know, like they, that they should be celebrating, right?

It's like, it's like the, the, the human body as their, their lord sort of put it out there. And you're like, dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?

You got to put that in your movie and like slow down the camera while he reaches for a Kleenex. That's fucking gross as shit.
Well, and also let's point out why they brought it up too, right?

Because like, again, this movie can't help but at least admit to a couple of these arguments because they're like, you know, you're arguing that this is in the Bible, but here's some other stuff that's in the Bible.

You know, if according to the Bible, you can't sit on a chair after a woman's menstruated. Yeah.
You can't, you know, you can't pick up sticks on Sundays, all of that kind of stuff. Yeah.
Yeah.

And the jury are shocked that he's reading out stuff that's in her, in their book. Yeah.
Okay. I didn't put two and two together.

So what I saw was like the John Travolta lawyer who's like, like, happy that Kevin Sorbo's such a dick because he thinks it's worked well on his side, then puts a tissue down.

And I thought, is that a, he's so happy he just came in his pants, Joe? So

what you have made way more sense than what my version of this was. Yeah.
No, it doesn't.

So, all right, but now he calls the other pastor, right? The pastor that we met earlier that hates trans people like you should. Yep.
Tim Campbell. Oh, is that who this is?

He's one of the other authors, writers, isn't he? Talk to Tim Campbell. Yep.
Yep. So, okay.
But then he's like, you know, so what does God say about transgender people?

And he's like, oh, God hates them. Oh, he's fucking, oh, he wants to burn him in hell.
Oh, he's very binary. God is.
Yeah, he also says gender is designed at conception.

Wow. Yeah.
Like when the tadpole hits the egg, the whole part where it it enters the eggshell, that turns into a vagina. That's how that works.
Or the tadpole part stays out. Right, exactly.

That wiggly part at the end.

Yeah, right. So, but he goes, and of course, like, this movie is not even going to fuck with the idea of ambiguous genitalia or anything like that.

You know, it's not even going to admit that's a thing. But he goes, you know, we're fearfully and wonderfully made.
And I'm like, what the fuck is fearfully doing?

Fearfully? He's going to have gloves on and like safety goggles, I think.

But yeah, but then the guy lawyer drops his mic, and this is what we cut over to Alex, the trans swimmer, and this is where she sees the light of Jesus and starts maybe wondering, I miss this.

Yeah, there's kind of a moment of like, oh, that makes a lot more sense than all of this stuff the school's been telling me.

I missed that. I was paying attention to the jurors who all look like they have a Karen bob, and they're all nodding along.
Yes, right, right.

So, okay, so now we watch Dean Kane wrestling with his decision

at his chamber. He doesn't have anything.
What is he deliberate? It's a jury trial. Thank you.
What is he even doing?

Well, what he's doing is he's hanging around in the little room out back in front of a sign that says, dad's son's first hero and a daughter's first love. But they removed the word love and kiss.

It was a bit weird. So they crossed that bit out.
So it's just a sign that says, and a daughter's first. But that's so much worse.

Because now it just says, dad is son's first hero and daughter's first. And that's so much worse.
What the fuck?

So, it never has your penchant for pausing and reading the shit in the background given us more

than it has today, Marsh. Yeah.

So, yeah. So, but then I guess they forgot to film the part where they won the case,

right? Because now we see that. Yeah, they don't have that.
Yeah.

The jury never comes in and gives her decision. We just see the lawyer smiling and we hear the newscaster come and say, Yeah, they won.

You can hear people clapping in the background because we also had that was royalty-free as well. Yeah.
Yeah, it's so fine that too. Yeah.

The clap is about the level of a small golf crowd that's very happy with an unexpectedly under-par put. Like, not a long way under, but okay, yeah.
Yeah, it's all right.

So, and then, so, but the newscaster says it will succeed in banning trans women from sports.

They also say, although the decision does little for the girls' future on a collegiate level, and I wrote, then what are we doing here? She doesn't even get to go to college. How is there standing?

So, but then she goes out and they're and they try to do this, you know, the journalists are hounding her thing, but they've only managed to scrounge up two people.

And

one of them sounds like Hillbilly God. Yes.
I am not kidding when I say it is the most southern accent that a southern accent has southern accented. It is insane.

Also, and this is just so small, but I have to point it out. They couldn't be bothered to come up with like recording devices or microphones or anything.

So both of these reporters are just writing everything she she says on big legal pads. Yeah.
Yeah.

And one of the reporters says to her, I just want to ask, how do you feel about the information this case unfolded with?

And I'm like, are you sure that's what you want to ask? That's really important. I just want to ask you how you feel about the information the case unfolded with.

That sounds perfectly normal when you say it like that. No, it does.
Yeah, exactly. And so much so that I didn't even notice that line.
Yeah, it's so funny. So, okay.

But she says, you know, like they say to, you know, Lindsay, what will you do now? and dad steps in he's like well actually i'll take this one

really

really that's the one you're gonna take yeah so now it's time to wrap up the movie we've got dad and lindsay on the porch just lapping up their victory in the sun chilling yep hanging out when suddenly

white claw yeah

when suddenly there's a phone call And he goes,

he answers the phone and he goes, yeah, she's here. Who should I say is calling? This is a cell phone, by the way, that is answering.
It's his mobile phone. He's got his phone.

It's his mobile phone, yeah. And they're calling his daughter on it.
Yeah, his daughter on his mobile phone.

But it's Cal Northern, and it's their swim coach who wants to recruit her, and she's going to get a scholarship anyway. So none of this matters.
Yeah.

And I presume that's because she was actually a really good swimmer who was in the top five in the region. And being like first in one race or second in one race didn't change that.

She's still scholarship material.

Oh, and she does this great stupid movie phone call where she goes, like, yes, I can drive drive up on Wednesday, which you just have to, I always have to imagine, like, can you drive up on Wednesday?

Yes, I can drive up on Wednesday. Why are you saying the thing I just said?

Oh, so she's like, yes, I'm super familiar with your program. I'm like, what? You're familiar with the program where people try to get the fastest time? That feels like every program.

They're all quite similar, it turns out. Yeah.
Yeah.

And so she gets off the phone and

dad goes, wow, how did that just happen? And she goes, I think I know.

There's a bigot network. Yes.

All right. Well, in my mind, that ending is fucking unimprovable.
So I think we're done for the day.

Cecil Marsh, thank you so much for hanging out.

Absolute pleasure. Thanks for having us.

And of course, I know that our regulars and our listeners, they all know about cognitive dissonance and skeptics with a K, but a few of them might not know about Yelp's collaboration yet.

So for those who aren't in the know, can you pitch them on the Know Rogan experience real quick? Yeah, absolutely.

If you are interested in what is happening on the biggest podcast in the world, the Joe Rogan Experience, but you don't actually want to have to listen to Joe Rogan yourself, we're going to do that for you and explain all the places where we think Joe has been led astray by his guests or his biases.

And easily it is the best new podcast of 2025. And, well, that's going to do it for our review of And God Made Man.

That's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to get this damn Christmas tacular underway. So Eli, who's suddenly here again and i've been here the whole

silently in the back and not laughing

right tell us when i arrived

what's on deck a young politician has to leave the city for her career and finds her vocation and true love in the countryside from the makers of lockdown 2025 oh no and a happy birthday wish for his 14-year-old girlfriend we'll be watching a law for Christmas.

Have fun with that. Yeah, we'll do.
That sounds great. Yep, doesn't it, though? So, with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 534 to a merciful close.

Once again, a huge thanks to Marsh and Cecil and a quick reminder that you're going to find links to all of their shows on the show notes.

And an equally huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go.

If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per epso donation at patreon.com/slash godaufflin, thereby earn only access to an ad-free version of every episode.

You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms.

And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, The Scathing Atheist Citation Needed, DD Minus, and The Skeptic, Skeptic, available wherever our podcasts live.

If you have questions, comments, or send messages, you can email GodolphinMovies at gmail.com. Tim Robinson takes care of our social media.

Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick, Movie Dress on Mars. All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Kark and was used with permission.

Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Heath Enron, Eli Bosnik, I'm Illusions, promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week.

Until then, we'll leave you with the American graffiti clothes.

As a result of the ruling, dads across the country were entitled to a $7 refund on their swing music. It was a great day for justice.

Dean Kane eventually did make it through that obstacle course.

Lindsay came in fifth, then became a Twitter verifier.

Sorry, Krypton is a planet. Oh, sorry.

Also, is it the joke that it's he wasn't on Smallville? It was Lawson Clark. Oh, was it Lewis and Clark? Okay, sorry.
He's even better. Leave it.

Oh, I don't give a fuck what. All right.
Yeah, Smallville is a different set of bad people than you. Nope, it was.
He's even better. All right.
Let me go back then.

I think it was like Lewis and Clark New Adventures as Hoop Month, something like that. Amazing.
Gotcha. Gotcha.
Okay. So I'm going to go back, Morgan, to where he asked you.

Was it called Lowe's and Clock or was it just New Adventures Hoop Month? To just start with, I'm the judge.

Let me, yeah, let me find out for sure.

Yeah, it's called Lowes and Clock, the New Adventures Hoot Month. All right.

Let's go, Lowe's. Lows and Clock.

There's only like three things on there. Come on.
All right.

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