Episode 476: The Secret to Raising Mentally Strong Kids in a Fragile World

Hi, guys, it's Tony Robbins.

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what i've been noticing as you know through the throughout the years is over time kids are becoming more and more fragile, more and more frail.

And it's really the onus is on the parent.

And I think this whole

culture of gentle parenting has really made our kids weaker.

And so I wanted to have a platform or create some type of platform where we can kind of come together, unite, and create mental resilience in our

little or in our in the younger generation.

And so, to me, also, if you want to be a mentally strong person,

why not start

when they're when you are a child?

Like, these are habits and tools that are

important throughout your life.

So, why when you're like, what, 21, 25, then you start to learn how to be mentally resilient?

Start when you're a kid and get the foundation, prime your brain, prime yourself for failure, for resilience, because life's not easy.

Life isn't easy.

And if we coddle our children, which is what a lot of people are doing now

in this time,

it's actually you're doing a disservice in a real way.

So this is a great topic.

But there's a quote you just reminded me of.

I think it was Frederick Douglass that said, it's easier to raise strong children than it is to fix broken men.

And I think it was Frederick Douglass.

Wayne Doug can look that up, make sure I'm not messing that up.

But

let's go back for a second because I understand gentle parenting very well.

Are you a gentle parent?

But a lot of people misunderstand what it means.

So I want to know from you

what you're referring to when you, because it's like intuitive dieting.

Like when I say intuitive dieting and people have this completely

skewed view of what it is.

So what do you, what are the characteristics of what you're talking about of this coddling type of

parent that raises these, because by the way, and I know you have the data to support this.

Yeah.

I'm familiar with it.

It's true.

We are raising children that are more fragile and less resilient

than ever before.

Yes.

Let me just start by answering your question of what in my belief is gentle parenting.

Gentle parenting,

in my opinion, is snow plowing all difficulty away from your children.

Yeah, that's not.

Okay, great.

I'm so glad you're not.

And snow plowing challenges.

We've created a culture of caudal culture versus challenge culture.

And challenge is what makes you stronger and makes you more resilient.

So let's start with that.

I would also say part of this stuff is helicopter parenting, participation trophies,

creating a space where safe space, there's safe spaces and triggers.

All of this lingo and language, in my opinion, is creating a soft child, which then creates a soft

teenager, a soft adult, which, by the way, I will tell you, some of this, some of this is causing suicidal rates to increase.

Anxiety is through the roof, depression is through the roof.

When you don't feel competent and capable of like taking care of yourself and having any form of self-efficacy, what happens to you as a human being is beyond detrimental, right?

Yeah.

And we've seen it.

I mean, the reason why, like with the reason why we are, we all, we were all raised in a very different time where independence was very much a thing we took we we took risk we were kind of like thrown into independence because our parents weren't watching our every sickle single move and another big one is boredom We've eliminated boredom from our children's lives where we are overscheduling everything because

we're so nervous of our kids missing out on anything.

When the reality is boredom is where creativity lives.

It's where kids think for themselves and figure shit out.

And if we're eliminating all of these things, what is our child left to do?

They're not thinking for themselves.

They're not acting on their own.

Their parents are getting them out of every

uncomfortable, challenging situation.

And we're left with like basically a blob of a human being.

That's what we're left with.

Yeah, you know why, by the way?

You know, what's your, why do you think parents are doing that?

Why do you think parents aren't aren't letting their kids be bored?

Or why do you think parents are not letting their kids struggle?

I think what's happened because over time, we've evolved to a place where parents rather be your, be their child's friend than being their parent.

They're so scared of being disliked by their child that they're just like...

not parenting anymore.

They're not disciplining anymore.

They're not, they're so, they're so scared of that particular thing.

When the reality is, our job as a a parent isn't to be liked all the time, isn't to make our kids happy all the time.

It's actually the opposite.

Our job as a parent is to make our kid resilient, make them competent,

make them capable.

We are taking away everything from our kids.

Chores are no longer even in most homes anymore.

Like when I was a kid, there was no chance that I was not going to be forced to make my bed, put my dishes away.

And when I was 12 years old, I had a job.

I was working at the Olive Garden by 12.

In today's time, kids aren't even babysitting anymore.

They've like, there's no more babysitting.

Like, I mean, do your kids, like, how old are your kids?

Yeah, so, well, I have four.

I have two older ones and two younger ones.

So 19, 15, and then four and two.

Okay.

But, you know, when you mentioned, you said confidence, independence, that all goes down to security.

Right.

When a kid feels secure,

then they can do all those things.

And they they don't feel secure when they don't feel like they can tackle the challenge.

Well, because it feels insecure.

Well, also, because what happened?

There's a couple of things, right?

There's like, there's like that learning space in the middle, right?

You have on one side, not knowing how to do something, and then the other side, you have having the ability and competence to do something.

But in the middle, it's like that learning, I can't do, I can't do.

And so it's very frustrating.

Even as an adult, if I can't figure something out, I get super like anxious and frustrating, but frustrated.

But I've learned that like it's part of, it's part of growing is like being comfortable enough in that frustration to try and try again, which is why I talk all about like that 10% target that I usually come on and talk about, which is making 10 attempts.

We've eliminated that from our children, which is how people get comfortable with failure.

And so we are so uncomfortable as a parent or as an adult watching our kids struggle.

That's it.

Right.

We're so, we're so uncomfortable from the struggle that we'll just do it for them.

And so our kids don't know what to do when they feel frustrated.

So they get super anxious.

And then in that anxiety spirals versus understanding and teaching your child that, you know what, like this is a normal feeling.

You know, it's okay to feel frustrated.

It's okay to feel like I don't know how to do it.

But that's part of getting from not knowing to knowing is that process in the middle, right?

Like any good athlete, there's a lot of practice, a lot of hours of practice that go in from being like bad at something to being really good.

And it's us as a parent explaining and executing on that message, saying, you know what, me doing your homework or doing your science project isn't going to make you better,

isn't going to make you feel confident.

It's not going to raise your self-esteem.

It's not going to do any of those things.

All it does is make me, as a parent, compete with the other parent for the gold star of the science project.

And what does that do for you?

Absolutely nothing.

Do you think that if you're looking back at like generations, especially baby boomers and, you know, it was a very high authoritarian type of parenting in the house.

And sometimes there's love involved with that.

Sometimes there's probably an absence of love with that.

And this is something I talk about even with some of my friends who are parents, because their natural reaction to that was to do the opposite in terms of, you know, not forcing their kids to do anything.

And they're trying to kind of approach it with a different perspective.

But

do you think that might have played a role in terms of like how, you know, culture sort of shifted

in terms of the style of parenting?

Okay, I think two things happened.

I think people growing up in the

70s, let's say 80s, there's a massive shift after having your birthday in 1993, I believe it was, or 1995.

I think a couple things.

I think that

in 2010 actually was a big one, when smartphones became a big thing,

that's the first thing.

Because instead of going outside to play and ride your bike and do all sorts of adventures and climbing trees, We've all that the kids have now migrated to being inside on an iPad playing video games alone so the the the whole act of socialization just dissipated at into from 2010 on and when that dissipated anxiety depression suicide all skyrocketed that's one thing the other thing that happened was if i would be if i were to be honest with you i think it's the woke culture i think the woke culture has crushed mental resilience in kids, period, full stop.

Because that's when all of this gentle parenting, the helicopter parenting, the participation trophy, safe spaces, all crept up into

society where that became the new norm.

And if you're somebody who is on that side of the fence, that's what you do.

You know, you meant, so when you say gentle parenting, I want to interject because there is a massive misunderstanding.

And this is what a lot of people do with their quote-unquote gentle parenting is they think it means

always being nice, never nothing hard,

letting you do whatever you want to do.

The child kind of leads what's going on.

What the real gentle parenting was, was

firm with boundaries and structure and consistency, but not through anger or fear.

Because what you end up getting are children that obey not because they think it's the right thing to do, but because they're scared.

So this is like the girl who, oh, I'm scared of my dad.

I'm ready to anything.

But the second she gets out, she's like, I'm free to do whatever I want.

Right, right, right.

But what you're talking about is,

like, I'll give you an example.

Parents who don't let their kids be bored are parents who never let themselves be bored.

It's uncomfortable.

Being with little kids in the house, you know this.

You got little kids in the house.

They're bored.

It's uncomfortable having them be bored because it puts it on me.

Yeah, yeah.

Then you ask the parent, when's the last time you went to the bathroom without your phone?

When's the last time you stood in line without looking at your phone?

When's the last time you did nothing?

Totally.

I mean, I would actually, I would make, even though I'm not a fan of woke culture, I would actually point almost all of this towards the introduction of phones with kids at such an early age.

I think that so much of what you describe that we're not doing happens in play.

When you go outside and you play with other kids,

you lose some games.

You don't get to play what you want to play sometimes.

You get hurt.

There's so much of this.

And because

took that away from our kids and allowed them to be glued to a phone or an iPad or a television all day long, we robbed them of those experiences.

And then you compile woke culture or this attitude of parents who don't know what to do.

And instead, I don't want my kid to be any more anxious or depressed.

And so I'd rather be play on the safer side and go the gentle parenting route.

And because I don't, I'm afraid to overcorrect the other.

I really think the phones cause so much of this because there is so much to be to learn.

I mean, Jordan Peterson talks about those ages between three and five and how important

social skills.

And if they don't do it then,

they don't get it.

So let me tell you something, a couple of things.

Do you know by the age of eight, children would have now spent a year of their lives on a smartphone?

Yeah.

Oh, I believe it.

By the age of eight, that's one year completely eliminated from their life by just the amount of time they spent on their phone.

And I, but that stat was pre-COVID because COVID exacerbated that.

Yes.

And then the thing about play,

beyond what you just said, is the inability to know how to socialize

has been detrimental.

Do you know another crazy stat is 26%

of Gen Z are taking their parents to an intercom?

I know.

I saw.

We brought this stat up on the show the other day.

I'd be embarrassed by it.

I mean, how are you?

But by the way, this is the part that's even more embarrassing, that it's actually been like considered okay.

Nobody, there's no, there's nobody is like actually

kind of like pushing back on that.

If you come with your parent, you're not getting hired.

And by the way, let me tell you something.

Forget about even that.

I forget no way you're getting hired, but I don't know about you because you guys have a very like, you guys run a tight ship here.

But people don't want to hire people from Gen Z anymore.

They're like, if they see that person coming or if it's on their resume, they just won't hire them

or

from people who are woke because there's too much liability with it.

You know what's interesting, Jen, about that?

So the data is really fascinating with that.

There seems to be a schism that's happening with Gen Z where, and this is recent, where a lot of these kids are adopting

more of these conservative hard work, whatever you want to label them, values, because I think that they're like, this isn't working for me.

Yeah.

I don't know what the hell is that.

Isn't it split by sex?

Isn't that what the research is showing?

Boys in particular then girls seem to be going the opposite direction polar yeah and there's lots of

are getting more towards the woke more towards and the boys are going in the opposite direction oh yeah and the boys are going toward i i saw that and that yes i i think i saw that the other thing i wanted to tell you what was very interesting i can't remember what when you were saying it i i turned to oh yes the other thing about play i was gonna what i wanted to mention which is i think really important just in terms of like interconnect like interconnectedness is nobody's dating anymore yeah nobody is like going out and like dating.

No one knows how to act with the opposite sex.

So porn is up like a thousand percent.

Nobody's talking about that.

That is a huge problem.

A huge problem.

It's causing so many issues with kids.

And have you have you ever heard of me tell the story of our intern who was working for us when he was 16, 17?

How old was he?

Okay, so we had an intern.

This was like five, six years ago.

And he was 16, 17 years old.

I can't remember how he was young, right?

He was just out of high school.

And

we were asking him questions about what's high school like and hanging out.

And do they have parties on weekends and this and that?

And we're asking, oh, yeah, you know, sometimes they do.

Not a lot, you know, but occasionally there's a party.

And I'm like, okay, well, then when you go there and you see a girl you like, like, how does that play out?

Like, and he, and what he told me, and this is like how all his friends would handle this situation, if there was a girl, at a high school party that you were interested in, it's in the same party as you are, you wouldn't walk over to her and say anything to her.

You would pull your phone out, add her as a friend on Facebook, and wait to see if she adds you back.

If she adds you back, then you then engage with her on, yeah, DM her on Facebook.

And then, if she responds to you, then you would go over and potentially talk to her on Instagram.

That's how you would handle that situation.

I thought that was so crazy

that you would do that when someone's 10 feet away.

You don't find that to be like that to me is like

socially available.

But it's all crazy.

It's also, if you're a young man listening right now,

it's such an easy way to get it.

Yeah, you're a stud if you just go over and say hi.

If you're the guy who has the balls to go over and just say hi and be willing to fail.

Think about it.

The barrier to entry right now to data person is so, the bar is so low.

If you just go up to them, like right away, like that's all you need to do.

But that to me is like, doesn't that tell you something about where our society, our culture is going?

Yeah, what you wait, wait, what this points to for me, because I can use fitness as an example, is when you have

obese, unhealthy kids, you almost always have obese, unhealthy parents.

So children who are anxious, depressed, they can't be bored, they're always on devices, they never go out, they don't also have parents.

who are doing the same thing.

Right.

And that's for, and there's so much research that backs that, that kids learned 73%.

I mean, I have all these crazy stats in my head from doing the TED Talk, right?

Cause I researched the hell out of this whole thing.

But it was like 73%

better

by watching

versus listening.

Because after a while, nobody's listening.

Like everything, everything kind of just kind of just blends after a while.

You're not paying attention.

So kids mimic what they see.

Oh, yeah.

So for an example, right?

All four of us were big workout people, right?

So most likely our kids are going to like adopt some of those habits, right?

So if you want your kid to be active, you as a parent should be active, right?

If you want your kid to really

understand nutrition, then you need to, you need to be eating a certain way, right?

Because kids will follow what you do.

Not to mention, I think that the fitness element is crucial because what fitness does and was done for me, and I'm sure it's done for you, is it taught me accountability.

It taught me discipline.

It taught me delayed gratification.

These These are core life skills that are transferable in every walk of life.

And if your kid is doing that at a young age, then they're taking those with them.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think a big problem with this, or challenge, I should say, not problem, is that

there's so much value in the real world, but it requires more work.

And what we've created are cheap substitutes for the real world.

So like you talk about pornography, as a teenage boy, you know, I had drivers to go talk to girls.

Very overwhelming, powerful driver.

Every teenage boy understands this.

Now, I couldn't relieve those drivers with pornography every five seconds with extreme novelty.

I didn't have it.

When I was 14 years old, you know, you could trade a bike for a dirty magazine.

That's a hard they were to get.

It was so strictly regulated.

Yeah.

So I had to muster the courage because these drivers are actually for, in particular, for young men, they're drivers for creativity.

They're They're drivers to get you out of fear because it's scary.

You're 14 years old.

You're going to go talk to a girl that you're interested in.

And that is scary.

She's going to say no.

She probably will.

You're going to feel like a piece of crap.

You got to go talk to her friends around her.

Your friends are watching you.

What am I going to do?

Totally.

But to do that, you end up building these incredible life skills through this challenge.

Speaking for young men now, because I think for women, it's different, but I also think they develop skills out of this as well.

For a young man to

be attractive to other girls, that's not nothing.

You got to learn how to kind of grow up.

You got to clean up a little bit.

You got to present yourself, not like a crease.

Feedback.

You got to kind of be funny.

So you got to learn a little bit of skill.

You got to learn how to communicate properly.

You got to show some courage.

These are all things that girls value.

So I got to develop all that.

Well, if I was a 14-year-old boy with a cell phone, with a smartphone in my room with more sexual novelty than kings a thousand years ago didn't even have, Like that drive is gone.

I have no drive because

I'm just in my room stuck and there's no girl that can even match that artificial process, you know, whatever.

Can I say one more thing?

Can I just interject?

Also, because of that phone, you're not learning that failure piece, right?

So you're so fearful of rejection.

You don't even have, you don't have to worry about rejection.

Right.

Right.

There's no such thing as rejection if you're just stuck on a phone watching porn, right?

Right, right.

So you'd rather do that.

And on AI with AI, you could have like a fake girlfriend who just talks really nice.

You could pick the voice you want.

You could pick the voice, you could pick the answers, you could pick how she speaks to you, what she says to you, what dirty talk you like.

Like you're, it's making it like, it's literally eliminating any ability for any type of rejection and human contact.