Episode 314: Don’t Push for Happiness - Do this Instead…

Hi, guys, it's Tony Robbins.

You're listening to Habits and Hustle, Gresham.

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Welcome to another solo episode of Habits and Hustle with Shawnee, my

loyal.

Your favorite episodes.

Yeah, yeah.

They are.

They are.

Some of them are some of my favorite episodes.

Oh, I love that.

Okay, guys, I want to ask a question.

I'm going to ask, I'm going to throw it out there.

Okay.

I'm just going to throw it out there.

Sometimes I just throw ideas out there and then I just see what comes back to me, okay?

All right.

So I was on a podcast, someone else's podcast, I don't know, maybe a little bit ago, a couple of weeks, three weeks ago.

And the person asked me a question and they said, what do you want for your kids?

Don't you just want your kids to be happy?

And I said,

no, I don't want my kids just to be happy.

Happiness is an arbitrary word in my opinion.

I want my kids to be productive.

I want them to be productive members of society who are contributing and who have a sense of purpose and a sense of self.

Because in my opinion, If you're not a productive person that is contributing to society and has a sense of meaning, you're not going to be happy.

And in fact, not only are you not going to be happy, I actually believe that you're going to be unhappy and have a really low self-esteem.

So once that person asked me the question, I'm like, you know what?

No, I don't want my kids to be happy or my kids.

I want them to be productive.

I think productivity breeds happiness.

I love that.

Really?

Yeah.

Because what do you think?

I think happy is a little arbitrary.

Like to me, emotions are on a flowchart.

It's all like a spectrum.

It's all going to happen up and down here and there.

And so I think the idea of happiness is a little overrated in the way that society puts it.

I think what brings me the most happiness, quote unquote, however you want to view it, is like memories and doing things.

To me, those are my happiest days.

And so like doing things with friends, spending time with friends, family, whatever, things that I really enjoy.

And also like just in ways that are, um, that feel fulfilled.

So it's like not my only part of life.

Like, you know, my day is worthwhile.

I don't know.

I just, I think that it flows.

I think you got to do things that make you happy without necessarily doing them for the sole purpose of them making you happy, but just them being good things to do.

Right.

So

basically, no, it doesn't, but it makes, I kind of got what you said, like in the midst of all of it.

But the bottom line is

we're saying, we're saying similar things.

I don't love the word happiness.

I think happiness in general, that word is very arbitrary because I think it's a moving target, right?

Like there are always going to be times you're happier than other times.

And if you're, if you're just always seeking happiness in a very kind of like shallowy way, shallowy way, or you just, I hate when people say to me, I just want to be happy.

I just want to be happy.

But what does that mean?

Like, what are you doing to be happy versus just going for that happiness feeling?

Because it wanes.

It's like willpower, motivation, everything else.

Like, you're not always motivated.

You're not, you don't, you're not always happy.

You're not always sad.

You're not always depressed.

Like, everything is has like, you know, everything has kind of ebbs and flows to it.

So all you can really do is do things that will help you feel that way by kind of, it's a ripple effect.

And it's kind of like you get there by doing certain things again, consistently and daily.

And I, I think when people always say, well, I just want my kids to be happy, but okay, what does that mean?

Are they, what are they doing to be happy?

How are they contributing?

What are they doing?

How are they working?

Work, hard work, I believe, equals happiness eventually because you feel a sense of self, self-efficacy.

You know, you feel self-confidence, self-efficacy.

I mean, there's a whole laundry list of things that really kind of help.

create a higher self self-esteem.

And part of that is having that feeling of being able to,

that you're competent and capable.

Yeah.

And when you're not being competent and you're not acting capable and you're not using whatever whatever that is to work hard at whatever that thing is, what ends up happening is your self-esteem takes a hit.

It takes a hit over and over and over again.

And the only way to build up that self-esteem is to do things that prove to yourself that you are competent and that you are capable and that, you know, you are productive.

It's interesting.

It's this idea of like self-worth, self-value, and like the doing things that make you have that higher self-worth will lead to sort of like a happier state, let's say.

And there are definitely, like you can be depressed and also doing really badly in life.

That's a way worse depression than if you're really emotionally depressed, but you're actually doing really solid in life.

Cause I feel like it counterbalances a bit.

Like you can handle those emotions more because your life is in a better place.

And if you don't get those things together, then like handling the, you know, the flow of whatever emotions come your way is so much more difficult.

But it's true that to me, actually, I think like my more positive emotions are linked to how I feel about myself.

And like you're saying about the self-worth, like to me, what brings me the highest self-worth is when I listen to myself the most.

It's like one of my mantras is I don't negotiate with myself stems from like a whole Kobe speech that he did once at a press conference.

And this idea that so often like we find it hard to listen to anyone, authority, whatever, but including ourselves, which is crazy.

Cause like you should be able to listen to yourself.

Of all the people in the world, you should actually be able to tell yourself something and then follow through and do it.

In theory, like if you want to do something and you tell yourself you're going to do it, you should just be able to do it.

But a lot of people can't do that.

And when you can connect those dots and actually do what you tell yourself that you want to do, your self-worth and value become so much higher.

And to me, that's when I'm at my most happiest states, is when I'm in that kind of level of life.

And I love that.

I love that part.

And I think that's actually exactly what you're talking about with productivity.

It's like following through on the things you want to do is a very productive feeling.

Well, I think following through, so I don't think of it as the same necessarily, but I, but both things get you to the same place.

Yes.

So following through isn't necessarily the same as being productive.

But like I said, it gets you to the same place.

But I am a big believer.

And actually, I did a bunch of research for this for Bigger, Bed or Boulder, because at the end of the day,

it is about feeling that it's about self-efficacy, the feeling of being able to do something on your own gives you the confidence to do something else again and again and again.

And then I believe there's a difference between self-confidence and self-esteem.

And how you build true self-esteem, a higher self-esteem is basically following through and showing and then proving to yourself that you're capable of doing whatever that task is or that thing is.

But being productive is, is constantly giving back in some way, like working really hard towards goals at your job, finishing school.

Like, you know, like to me, I don't even think necessarily like getting a degree at call in college isn't because that degree in college is so important for what that degree is.

But what it does say to me, if I was hiring somebody, and when I do hire somebody, by the way, when I do hire someone who has a degree, it's not because of the good degree, but it's because it says to me that they were able to follow through with something to at least get that degree.

That means you stuck it out, even though you didn't like it, for three years or four years, or whatever that degree is, and you finished something, you accomplished a task.

You know, I hated school more than anybody.

I was terrible at school.

My mom would tell you, I didn't even want to finish grade one, but I did.

And I put myself into these situations where I got a master's degree or two, not because I was good at it, not because it came easily, but because I wanted to show myself and prove to myself that I could do it.

And do I remember a damn thing that I did in class?

No.

And did I get a lot of people who are way better and smarter than me to help me graduate?

I sure did.

But at least I finished.

And that me finishing proved to to my, proved to me, you know what?

All right, I could do, if I can, if I can finish this, if I can get through this program and get this certificate or this diploma and this degree,

what else can I do?

And so to me, putting yourself in situations where things are hard or, you know, that you started, finish those things.

Because if you don't, I think that plays a real

detriment to your self-esteem.

It's a real knock.

And

yeah.

So circling all the way back, it's more important for me, for my kids to be productive than just to have that arbitrary, I just want to be happy or I just want them to be happy because it means nothing.

It's like a silly, frivolous saying that people now just like, just kind of like spew when it means nothing.

It's interesting.

I'm thinking like right now why I feel like the word, like how I feel like I define the word happy in this sort of shallowy way.

And to me, it's almost like the instant gratification happy, right?

Where it's when people say that I just want them to be happy, when I hear that, I think like, okay, so they stay at home when they don't want to go to school or they do this, because in the moment, that's what will make them happy.

Momentary happiness, right?

Whereas I think of what you're talking about, to me, that brings like real long-term, almost like fulfillment or joy, which is something that can carry through over long periods.

Whereas happy is almost, I view as like almost these little bursts of instant gratification.

I totally get what you're saying.

And I actually totally agree with you.

I think that happiness is like a finite feeling or in that moment.

Like, I just want to be happy right now.

I'm staying home.

I'm getting to watch Netflix.

I get to eat the meal I want.

I get to eat my french fries, whatever it is.

I'm just making it up.

But like, I'm happy right now.

But that's not sustainable happiness.

And I guess what, yeah, I guess the truth is, like, there is a difference between even happiness and like overall feeling of satiation and fulfillment, which is interesting because, and I'm not just saying this to plug my book, I promise you, but like in the book, Bigger, Better, Boulder, that is exactly what the goal is.

The goal is to curate and design the life that actually you want, that makes you happy by doing the things that make you happy, by going after the things that make you happy, versus just, you know, letting someone else choose what path you're going to take and just kind of like being kind of a backseat person in your life as opposed to being the person who's driving.

You're the backseat passenger.

Yeah.

And I think that's a really important distinction when you are trying to chase that quote happiness or fulfillment.

Fulfillment is a much bigger get than just that momentary happiness.

Yeah.

So ask yourself: are you doing this because you want to be like immediately happy?

Now you want the instant gratification of a little like spur to euphoria?

Or are you doing this because you think it'll make you happy in the long term, right?

Fulfilled in the long term.

So instant gratification versus delayed gratification.

Usually the delayed gratification gets you the feeling of satisfaction over like long-term satisfaction versus instant gratification that usually gets you to a place of like unhappiness down the road, right?

You know, they've done so many studies on that.

You know, the marshmallow study with the kids, you know, the kid who just ate all the marshmallows versus waited and then was able to have, oh no, the kid, the marshmallow test was like the kids that ate that one marshmallow versus waiting and getting all the marshmallows.

I don't remember, Google it, but it kind of talks about what we're talking about.

Yeah.

Anyway,

I wanted to bring that up and I wanted to maybe even get your opinion.

Anyone who's listening to this, if someone asked,

if you're a parent and someone asked you that question about what ultimately do you want for your kids, is happiness what you want for your kids?

What would you answer?

What would your response be?

And after hearing what we were just talking about, would you change your mind?

Do you agree with it?

I'm just curious to know your thoughts because these are all things that, like, in the moments, you know, we don't think about these things necessarily, but when until we're asked the question.

And so, I'm asking the question.

I'm asking the question to you guys.

And for those of you who don't have kids, what do you think?

Do you think it's important to be overall?

What's your definition of happiness?

What's your definition of being productive?

And do you see why it's so important to be productive to overall be happier and fulfilled?

Let me know.

Bye.