Episode 299: Jaiya: The Somatic Sexologist on the 5 Erotic Blueprints + Understanding Sexuality

Hi, guys, it's Tony Robbins.

You're listening to Habits and Hustle, Gresham.

Jaya is on the podcast for the second time, actually, because the first time was a really fast, I felt like it was a quick.

It was a quickie.

It was a quickie.

Exactly.

It was a quick, it was a quickie interview.

It was like 10 minutes with like Dave Asprey's conference or something.

And I was like, oh my God, like you're so interesting on so many levels that I was like, I deep dived into your personal life because it was so fascinating.

So I'm I'm glad to have you back.

Thank you.

Thank you.

It's such a pleasure to be here.

Pleasure to have you back.

And the new book is called Your Blueprint for Pleasure.

And guys, I'm telling you, I love this book because like this is not what I was going to say to you.

I was going to say before we started.

Everybody loves to be categorized.

Like it gives people a placeholder.

Like they, it's how you explain, like kind of like you kind of sexually compartmentalize how people think or like how what kind of you categorize like our sexual being in so such a way where for me I love that stuff and my friends love that stuff because you can put your you can you can kind of like visualize or understand better when you have that type of thing so you like knock it out of the park with that whole thing

so much and

it's interesting because I love personality typing tests yeah I was a little obsessed about it like Enneagram and Myers-Briggs and disc profiles and astrology and just anything that can help me understand more about who I am and then help me understand who I am in relationship to another person.

Yes.

Yes.

So that then my communication or my connection with them and I'm really honoring who they are so that they can also honor who I am.

And I started thinking, hmm, there's, that's interesting.

Like there's nobody who's done sexuality, like sexuality typing and creating a system for us to understand more about who we are when we're aroused, when we're turned off, and really looking at our superpowers and who we are as a whole picture in that.

So that's where it started to like, I started really thinking about it, but being a somatic sexologist, I wasn't just paying attention to it from the mind, but like, what is the body saying?

What is the body doing that's giving me clues as to what this might look like in terms of a system?

Well, I'm glad you just said that.

Cause you, you're very distinct there, like the somatic sexologist.

So describe to people what that is and what that, what the difference is between a regular sexologist and a somatic and how your origin story, like how you even became to be this person.

Because it's, I think, like I said, guys, this woman is so fascinating.

You have no idea just wait so let's start with the basics

so somatic means body base through the body and sexology is the study of in teaching and education of sexuality so a somatic sexologist is someone who educates us about our bodies but i like to think of myself more from a holistic point of view whereas like a sex therapist might just talk about sex and give you some exercises to do at home i'm really looking at the full picture of someone so what's happening on a biochemical level, what's happening physically in the body, psychoemotionally, spiritually.

And so we're looking at the whole picture and not just going, I think sex is something that's in the body.

So we're not just going like, oh, sex is something here that we have to fix in the emotional realm.

And in therapy, not that there's anything wrong with therapy, that's part of the picture, but I like to look at more integrated of, well, what's the body actually saying?

Because sex is something that doesn't just happen in the mind.

Sex is something that very much happens in the body and with the senses.

And so a somatic sexologist is someone who's looking at that from that lens.

Do you go to school for that though?

Like, I mean, so like, is there a school for like regular sexology and then for like somatic sexology?

Absolutely.

And just like in psychology too.

So there's like psychology courses.

I actually did somatic psychology in college as well.

Where?

Where do you even go to school for this?

So for sexology, I went to the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality.

Okay.

And that was where I learned to do somatic sexology or sexological body work, some people call it.

How long is a program?

It's two years.

Okay.

And so we did like a lot of, I don't know if it was two years exactly, but we did a lot of like prep at home and like okay do these exercises do this with a partner and then we would come in and we did two weeks of like at school for the actual time that we were there wow but it feels like a lifetime that i've been i've been studying this well how long

almost 30 years that i've been 30 years so did you do that schooling like that long ago or i did that in 2006.

Wow.

Okay.

So, because do you feel like also because of the goop show,

sex love and goop?

I mean, I watch your, when you put them on the the table and you go through the whole thing.

I mean, did your popularity rise because people like even knew, had a clue that you even, that this even existed?

Did people even know that this even existed on a mainstream level?

I think that the show really elevated the conversation.

And I always say it opened up a portal.

Yeah.

And so it was like somebody finally like cracked that into the mainstream culture and into the conversation.

I had so many people, even within my own industry, who were like, congratulations, like you actually, somebody finally did it.

Like, somebody finally got this work

out into the public and out into mainstream and out into a conversation.

Because I think we're ready.

I think we're ready to actually have a mature conversation about sexuality.

Probably now more than ever.

I mean, because you started, you said like 30 years ago.

It must have been so taboo.

Very different.

Like, you're different.

Like, what's the even thought process?

Like, I'm going to become an accountant.

No, I'm going to become a sexologist.

Like, what was your, like, explain your whole origin story?

Because then

i'm surprised it even existed right like as an actual course even as you know just looking at the entrepreneurialship journey so i when i was little i was fascinated with sexuality just from from a very young age as a teenager i would like go to the library get the books you know that i wasn't supposed to be reading really and and look at this and i was obsessed with dr ruth i don't know if you know

i was obsessed with her also by the way she was like she was the one and only amazing and so I aspired to be Dr.

Ruf when I grew up.

I was like, I want to be like that.

I want to help people with relationship and sexuality and love.

And that just seems like the most amazing thing to do.

So I became that.

Very early, like even with my friends, I'd be like, okay, hold on.

Let me tell you the real down low on sex.

Like, it's not the stork.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I grew up in a very Roman Catholic, rural cultural.

And so it's crazy.

You must have been like such a black sheep.

I was the kid, you know, don't let your other kids around.

Play around, play with this kid.

Exactly.

Exactly.

I can't imagine that the parents must have been like just trying everything to keep you as far away as possible from their families.

Yes.

Yeah, I was quite even young, I remember just having these experiences in my own body with pleasure and being like, why is this bad?

Like, this seems like it's a connection to something bigger than ourselves.

And it just, just, I have like so many funny stories rolling through my head right now of just being this

very outrageous.

And I still am, I feel like, but it feels less outrageous now than it did back then.

You know, even in 2007, when my first book came out, the publicist told me I'd never be in the media.

I'd never be in mainstream media.

And, you know, my, my partner always says, just tell Jayas you can't do something.

And then I will push against that thing that somebody says I can't do.

So

I set out.

I was like, okay, they said I'd never be on mainstream TV.

And I have been on CBS daytime talking about female ejaculation.

I was just on KTLA the other day, you know, like, so like, I have repeatedly talked about sexuality in mainstream media, something that people said I would never do because I just was like, this is something that needs to happen.

And no matter what it takes, if I have to learn different language to talk to people, if I have to look a certain way, like I will do those things with also maintaining who I am.

I think in that journey, I also did lose myself at some point because I watered down everything so much right in order to placate everybody around you to say and mildred in milwaukee i want to be able to reach mildred in milwaukee that was kind of like an archetype

and and i had people like say don't dress sexy don't do these things in order to fit in more and have your message out there and i think in the last like even five six years of my career i've just become more of who i am that's amazing what do you what do you think was the actual tipping point that fact that you are being more authentic or do you think the the world has shifted and changed I think it's a combination of both things.

I think the world, especially women in wellness, sexual wellness is slated to be a $3.2 billion industry.

I know.

And so like,

you know, that sexual wellness, I think that they're, that women are really leading the charge in terms of, wait a minute, we want pleasure.

We want to have this conversation.

We want to talk about this because there's something empowering happen.

There's a wave of empowerment happening.

And so we're, we're having the conversation more.

And then I also think that as I grew more into myself and loving myself, and as I grew more into wisdom, you know, I think we all go through that totally from our 20s to our 30s, now in my 40s, it's like, okay, there's a grounded wisdom now that I think is heard just differently than when I was trying to get the message out there.

Now there's just a relaxation into the truth.

And when people hear the truth, they resonate.

Yeah.

I'm going to get all into the book in a second, but but I am actually very curious, like as a career, let's say, right?

Like, how do you monetize?

Is it through one, like, are you like a one-on-one, do you go with people on a one-on-one type of journey with them and like as their therapist or their, I guess, as their

guide expert or a sexual, I don't know, I don't know what you call it, right?

Like, I guess somatic sexology.

A guy deserves a guide.

Good word.

Like, that's a good word, right?

Is it through speaking about it?

Like, how do you create a career around it?

Like, has it changed?

Like, even I'm curious

at the beginning to how it is now.

Absolutely.

At the beginning, my career was much more of tantra, like teaching tantra, doing like a one-on-one little, little tantra things for couples or doing Friday night workshops.

You know, I'd started off.

I think we, those of us who do like bigger workshops now, it's like we started off with like eight people in the room, you know, or like two people in the room.

Right.

It's like, okay, whoever's showing up.

And, um, and back then it was like, if you had eight people, it was probably a lot of people right that was great yeah and especially in rural ohio

even eight people in there is a lot it's amazing you were a huge success in my opinion there wow and so that was the the early beginnings and so it was a lot of one-on-one with clients and i i really value that time because at that time it was like i was learning i learned from every client even still today every client that I have I learned from and so we started off there and then eventually I started doing books and writing and speaking.

We moved to Los Angeles and I started just building.

I created an educational video series.

So I started doing like videos.

This was before all the online courses, online marketing.

Yeah, before all of that.

So, you know, standard, like go in a studio and film and make a DVD.

And so we had DVD products.

And who would sell it?

You would sell it.

Do you have a website?

You had a website.

We had a website and we would sell it through the website.

And it's what's, I think it's fascinating about being in the sexuality industry is how much censorship and how much we go through.

I cannot tell you how many times my business has been shut down or how many times, you know, we just can't even communicate with our customers because somebody somewhere got a little twist in their panties.

And then all of a sudden my whole website's down and closed down.

We've been cyber attacked.

I mean, it's like really intense in terms of just being able to do business in this industry because we get lumped in with porn or we get lumped in.

with trafficking or we get lumped in with all of these other things that are not what we're doing, but because we're so sex adverse and we don't know how to suss out positive sex education from these other darker aspects of sexuality,

it's very hard to do business.

And there's also such, even now, there is such shame around it.

Like it's such a, even there is taboo.

Like people are uncomfortable when you talk about it.

And like, it's not something that you can easily like, you know what I mean?

Like, it's just there is a taboo.

And there, I mean, even though we're better than we used to be with it, it's still something that a lot of people are like uncomfortable on.

We're polarized on it, yes.

And I half expect the book to get banned, you know?

Yeah, I mean, and listen, I mean, I don't, I don't, I hope not because it's a very, I was saying, I was like texting a bunch of my friends as I was going through it, even today,

even last night, saying you guys have to buy this book, especially married people.

I think, I think that, like, you know, this is what I was saying.

We were saying, it reminds me of like, you know, the five love languages, that book that I was like, well, I, I like affirmations, I like this.

This is like your sexual five love languages in a way.

That's how it is, really.

And like, you like, you're kinky and this one is,

I don't remember all of them.

Hold on a second.

I have them all written down and I can't remember them now, but energetic or sensual, like the categories, like, I have so many, I don't want to even ask.

I'm going to get myself, I'm going to get all ahead of myself.

But like, it's, I just, I think it's just very, really good.

And I hope you don't get shut down or I hope the book doesn't get the day the goop show came out.

This is a really interesting one.

The day that that show came out our entire business crashed we got shut down completely couldn't send out an email couldn't deliver a product everything got just really

and we had to rebuild everything from scratch our whole team was like up all night are you kidding so who shut you down the government like social media it's different things you know in this case it was our email delivery service that we had like mailchimp a bigger conglomerate said no you can't send out any emails because we had put the word pleasure in an email and so because we had put the word pleasure, it flagged something in their system.

And they said, if you do business with this company, we aren't going to do business with you anymore.

And so then the whole thing went up in smoke.

So what did you do?

You had to rebuild everything from scratch again.

And so we went to, you know, we go to other companies and things and we say who will work with us.

And then we find who will be willing to work with us.

And, you know, and then we also, there's just certain email providers that we cannot take any emails from because they will flag us.

And it's fascinating because it's like, it's me.

Like, I'm not like naked.

No, no, no, exactly.

It's not even at all like I'm touring or anything.

It's not at all like that.

But I guess what you don't know, you don't know, right?

And so if you have a very myopic view of something, it's very, some people are just are like that, right?

They are, they don't want to know what they, they don't want to even learn or be open-minded.

Right.

It's like, no, you're sex done.

Exactly.

We don't want to associate with that.

And I've had that many times in my life, even within sexuality communities.

It's been really interesting.

And so I feel like part of my, part of my role is just to be a phoenix.

You know, like, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

Okay, but I'm going to get back up again.

Like, no matter how many times you tried to burn me.

Yeah, you're coming back.

You're coming back and you've come back like stronger every time.

Every time, because we learn and we go, okay, well, now what do we want to do with the brand?

And we get to recreate and we get to continually innovate.

I wish it was easier.

You know, there are parts of me for sure that are like, gosh, I wish wish this was just as easy as like running a, I don't know, shoe company or something.

A technology company or something.

I remember one point in my career where I looked at one of my coaches and I was like, why not herbs?

Why sex?

Yeah.

Why can't I just go into like herbal medicine or something?

That would be way easier.

But not as fun, I don't think.

Not as fun.

Not as fun.

Yeah.

So then how does it evolve now like over the over the evolution?

So you're doing these workshops and you do these like videos and making DVDs.

And then what happens?

Like, how do you start like evolving your brand and your business?

So I started doing, because I had the books, I started doing more media and just, I did a lot of television and reality TV, living here in Los Angeles.

So that's how you get to the year.

That's what year we were talking about, by the way.

This is like around 2008, 2009.

So 2006 was when I had done that course and then 2007 was the first book.

Okay.

What was the first book called?

Red Hot Touch.

Okay.

Did that be a little bit more?

That's a robotic massage.

Yes, it did very well.

It did.

Okay, so then people were interested even back then.

Yeah.

Okay.

I mean, it's interesting with books, you know, people think, oh, oh, I'm going to write a book and then I'll be like famous and I'll have all this money and all these things.

Right.

And it was really interesting and very awakening at that moment of like, okay, I've written this book and what is considered successful in the publishing company, even you know, like 10,000 copies of a book sold is really considered successful or paying off your advance.

And I think out the gate, we had like 40,000 books go.

And that was like a huge success to

me and was really big because the average book, I think it's even now it's less.

At that time, it was like 500 500 copies of a book, and now it's like 350 copies if it's self-published.

Then that's like

average.

Well, the red, the red hot touch one, is that what it's called?

Did you self-publish or that?

Like a publisher, that was through a publisher.

Okay, and you sold that many, 40,000 at least.

And it was in places like South Africa.

And like, you know, they had to wrap it and things.

Yeah, yeah.

You can do the cover's just like nothing.

It doesn't have anything on it.

That's crazy, though.

But you got a book deal back then.

Yeah.

So somebody was interested in like hearing about it.

It's just, and like, and then it just kept on going from there.

Then you did the media show.

You did like media.

Lots of media.

Yeah.

And then, and then there was speaking.

Lots of speaking.

I started speaking for Tony Robbins and that was a big also, that was in 2009.

Oh, so that was a long time ago.

Yeah, yeah.

And so that was, um, and then I've, I've come back for the relationship event to do that.

And so that was also, I started learning more myself.

I had a lot of shame about money.

Like even just going into that environment, I'd be like, oh my gosh, like this is another world that I don't know because I grew up in so much poverty.

And to start to see like my own judgments about people with money or to see how I just still had a lot of blocks.

And so that was when I started to really do my money,

like unraveling and belief systems, just like with sexuality, like the shame about having money.

Same thing about the shame about pleasure.

I had to apply it.

And

so I would have orgasms every morning just with like this, like, I'm going to like create more money.

I'm going to create more financial wealth.

And that's when I quadrupled my business.

And so I was just doing some sex magic there.

What do you mean?

Hold on.

What you said orgasms, but you like being like literal, you're having orgasms around like, what do you mean?

I just like hold the intention that, okay, like this orgasm and this orgasmic energy is going to help me.

awaken more of my money, my wealth, my genius around business and just help me awaken that.

So my org, I would donate my orgasm every morning to more wealth.

And in that time that I did the practice and the four months that I did that, I quadrupled my income.

And part of that, oh my God, can you teach me how to do that?

Yes.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

By the way, this is going to be the clip.

You realize that right now.

So you could actually have an intentional orgasm that you're focusing on, like, you know, orgasm, please make me financially more

free or let me give me other ones that you can do.

Well, well, I want to back it up just a little bit.

Okay, yes, please.

And so I want to give an analogy of like orgasmic energy is the energy that we're born in, every single one of us.

Okay.

Because the egg chooses a sperm and there is this orgasmic energy that happens in that moment.

Right.

And so the moment of orgasm is a moment of creation.

And so if we think of it from that point of view, it really goes into, well, what is it that I want to create today?

What is it that I'm utilizing this orgasmic energy for?

And so then we can transmute that orgasmic energy through the body and into the brain, which awakens latent genius in the brain.

That's one of the tenets of Tantra is utilizing that sexual energy to move it into the brain.

So then we start to awaken to new ideas and awaken to different ways of being that can bring in more money manifestation if that is our goal.

So yeah, so manifesting money, creating a child, a project, anything that you want to fuel.

I think of it like fuel, we're putting on a fire.

And so it's like, okay, I'm fueling this with a resource of orgasmic aliveness and life force.

And that life force is really powerful.

And so we can utilize that for manifesting anything that we desire.

Wow.

Okay.

So tell me how you do it.

How do you do this?

I want to know.

Like, do you have to concentrate on it?

You got to focus on it.

Like, tell me, tell me.

So the first thing is the intention.

Okay.

What am I manifesting this for?

And then

you got to take notes.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

Yes.

Okay, intention.

Intention.

And then, hey, I'm manifesting today.

I'm having this orgasm today to build wealth.

That was my big thing.

That was your thing, yeah.

And so then I would then stir up arousal.

So you need to then stir the pot, get the fire going.

So put the logs on the fire, really get something raging.

So that would be self-pleasure.

That would be, I do a bunch of different just pelvic floor techniques because your erectile tissue is squeezed in between your pelvic muscles.

And so you can just squeeze your pelvic floor muscles to start to create a pump of erotic energy.

So a lot of times I can do this just, you know, sitting here.

Are you serious?

Like right now?

Right now, I'm just pulsing my pelvis.

Really?

And so.

Okay, keep on going.

Pumping, pumping.

And then once I build a little bit of energy, I start to feel that pulse or that aliveness in my pelvic floor.

It's like, okay, now I know I got, I have the pilot light on, the fire is going.

And then I will breathe it up the spine.

So it's a deep breath in to draw it up the spine with the intention, again, I'm building wealth.

So deep breath in, drawing it up, drawing it up, drawing it up, drawing it up, all the way up my spine.

And I hold it in my head, in the third ventricle of my brain.

And I'm squeezing now all of my muscles.

So squeezing my pelvic floor muscles, drawing my belly button toward my spine.

I'll drop my chin, hold the breath.

You can even look up with your eyes.

So you get kind of like a tension also in the middle of your forehead.

And that's creating hydraulic pressure in the spine and then the cerebral spinal fluid.

So sexual energy, deep breath in, contracting and locking in all of those those places while I'm holding the intention, while I'm holding the intention.

And then I'll take a sniff of air, bring it to the top of my head, and then exhale it back down.

And I just keep doing that breath.

And then if the sexual energy starts to go down, then I'll do it over.

I'll build it up again and do that over again.

And so that is one of the ways.

And there's science behind this.

The pineal gland is putting hydraulic pressure on this.

Joe Dispenza talks about this.

And so I just utilize a lot more sexual energy than Joe does, where I'm like, let's get all the sexual fire going before we do this breath.

But I've been doing that breath since I was 19.

I just, at this point, was like, okay, now instead of like spiritual, it was always very spiritual for me.

I'm going to actually apply this to wealth building and business building in my life.

And so that was a huge turnaround.

Holy crap.

So

do you see a lot of entrepreneurs and a lot of people in the business space because of the fact that even this, like, that sound bite that was like two minutes, let's say, if I was an executive or whoever or whatever an entrepreneur of any kind or anybody like that I would be like oh my god like I want to talk to her I want to hire her I want her to get me to that place like you know what I mean that's because that's a lot of entrepreneurs well yeah because the truth is like I mean that's a very unique position like I don't I haven't heard anybody in your space talk about that that's crazy have you read Think and Grow Rich?

Yes, I have.

Do you remember chapter 11?

Not right now.

Nobody remembers chapter 11.

I don't what it chapter 11 is an entire chapter about sex transmutation.

And nobody remembers

it.

I blocked it out.

Everybody blocks it out.

How is that possible?

So I always say, go back to Think and Grow Rich and read chapter 11 because that entire chapter is about awakening genius in the brain through sex transmutation.

And I think a lot of entrepreneurs have a charisma about them.

They have this sexual creative energy that they don't know what to do with or how to utilize.

And so, and Napoleon Hill was talking about it right there, sex transmutation and how to then, instead of it going out, you're utilizing that to bathe your body and your brain in that energy, which then helps genius come forth.

Wow, this is, this is crazy.

And I haven't even gotten to my questions yet.

I mean, this is unbelievable.

Okay, so that is, I'm going to, because you have to, people have to practice this.

Like, just how you described it.

Like, I can't just go down and do that on my own and be, you know, it won't work.

Like, how long is the process to learn these things?

Like, what is the process?

Like, when you go work with people one-on-one, like after one session, they, is it, is it awkward for them?

Like how long does it take usually?

Usually take a little while.

I work with most of my clients now in my practice for a year.

I learned, you know, like people coming for a one-off session, sure, they can get a lot, but I really wanted to make a relationship with clients and see them through an entire journey of their own sexual awakening.

And so it's usually like they start to get it.

It's kind of like learning piano or learning anything new.

At first, you're like clunky at it.

At first, you're like, wait a minute, lock the thing and do the what and breathe the thing.

And so, yes.

And then there's something that clicks and then it starts to become natural.

Even like I practice this every single day.

So every morning, my morning practice is that I do multiple different transmutation breaths that I've learned over my life.

Cobra breath is one of my favorites from Ypsilo Tantra Kriya Yoga.

And that one is, it's another similar transmutation breath.

Everybody's sworn to secrecy.

So you have to like go to a guru to learn it because it's oral tradition, not written, you know, it's not written down anywhere and i was initiated when i was 19 so you can't even do it now and so i can you know i can practice that at any time they won't show me i can't show you now unfortunately are you serious yeah there's like a it's like an oral law that you cannot show secret tradition that you can't even learn it you have to go to somebody to learn it who's been authorized to teach that and so that was a part of my daily practice was doing that kind of transmutation breath that are called again cobra breath cobra breath and um from kriya yoga and Ipsalu Kriya yoga.

And

there's multiple different kinds of cobra breaths.

There's the breath that Joe Dispenza teaches, but I'd add in the sexuality of that.

Exactly.

So anytime that you're moving sexual energy anywhere else in your body from your genitals, you're in a transmutation.

And that's to take the sexual energy.

You can transmute that into love.

So another practice that I do every morning is called the Vaju Yogini practice.

And

that's from Tantric Tibetan Buddhism.

And what they do in that practice is they're transmuting the darkness of the world, the pain and suffering of the world into unconditional love.

And so they're utilizing a transmutation breath right up the spine into the heart, right up the spine, into the heart, over and over and over again to transmute that energy into unconditional love.

Oh my gosh, so wait, so you're basically, I can't only imagine what your morning routine is.

Are you just like, are you just basically like having sex and doing all sorts of like, or like having all sorts of different orgasms until like noon or two?

Like, what are you doing?

If, because we haven't even gotten to, by the way, this woman has, I think, well, you're, you've got five partners, right?

How do you even have time?

Do you have time to sleep?

Yes.

Like, okay, so what is your morning routine?

And, like, are you having sex with every one of them?

Like,

how are you?

What are you doing every morning?

I want to know.

Yeah.

So, my morning practice right now, and it, of course, changes.

I think all of our practice change for what we need and where we are in our lives.

It recently changed because I had a big experience during some of my travels recently that just shifted my consciousness in a very big way.

And I came into an understanding of a new way to practice.

And so through that, what it looks like now is I get up, I sit down at my altar that I have.

It's a beautiful like space with a big kali and flowers.

This is a really beautiful, lovely, it right away makes me feel a certain way because I have an anchoring to that altar.

And so I sit and I just get quiet and I wait.

And then I say in my own mind, I have a little mantra that says, quiet the mind and open the heart.

Quiet the mind and open the heart.

And I just repeat that to myself until my mind starts to settle and I start to get more aware of myself sitting there.

And then I start the Vajrayogini practice, which is, it's actually only like a 20-minute practice.

I do a short Vajrayogini practice, which is movement with breath and this transmutation.

Every single movement comes with a transmutation into the heart, into the heart.

And so I'm coming back to my heart over and over again.

And And that is very pleasurable because you're doing pelvic floor contractions each time.

And so it, it brings me into an orgasmic state.

It does.

And so I just, from doing this practice, I start to go into this orgasmic state.

And what's interesting that's been happening lately is there's this inner light that starts to shine inside of me.

And people lately have been saying like, wow, like, what are you doing?

What are you doing differently?

I'm like, it's, it's that this is creating a biochemistry in my body that's telling my body to be in health.

It's telling my body to be in wellness.

And so there's this inner light that shines because I'm doing this practice.

And then I'll do my transmutation breaths because I'm getting to all this orgasmic energy that starts to get flowing.

And then I'll transmute doing various transmutation breaths for whatever it is in the world that I'm.

praying for or hoping for.

And right now, I've been doing meditation for anybody who's suffering from a serious illness.

And so then I start to just do, okay, this orgasmic energy is to help anybody who's going through a serious illness right now who is sick or dying and the people who are caring for them.

And so I'm just transmuting all that orgasmic energy into something for the rest of the world.

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When you say transmuting, what does that really mean?

It's just like taking it within, like taking it in?

Or like, what's the...

I'm taking it from what would be like

what we would call like a normal orgasm in the pelvis and like the genital.

So I've got that fire.

Yeah.

And then I'm moving it through my spine.

I'm moving it through the rest of my body.

Lately, it's been not into my brain.

It's been into my heart because I'm focusing more on like the good of all.

or the good of other people.

And so I'm bringing it into my heart.

Whereas, you know, when we're talking about that transition in my business work, I was bringing it all into my brain.

Right.

You know, because I wanted to have the like wisdom and the knowledge to like, how do I grow my business now?

But you're obviously a person that's very like connected to yourself.

And you, what, what about people who are like, have like a disconnect?

They don't have that same ability to kind of tune into what they are, what they need.

Like, obviously, you do, and like, that's amazing.

But the majority of people, I feel, are, are blocked.

So they don't even, like, they can be listening to this and being like, okay,

in a moment yeah like where do i even start like it's like they don't even know like they they can't even like feel anything there's no sensation to even know the difference between a pelvic floor going up the chain all those things yeah i mean i think easy wins is one of the things that i've always taught so what's super easy to you is that that you have access to doing keggles yeah and getting a toy and putting something inside of your vulva vagina and like really squeezing around it and and having that awareness.

Do you have that awareness because you're more physical realm type of person?

So what's the access in?

Is it emotional and you're having more of like a psyche-emotional block around even like, oh, I just have so much resistance about sex.

Are you having a psyche-emotional block to being in your body because it wasn't safe somewhere in your past?

You know, and then that's something to work with and look at.

And so, or is it something in your biochemistry?

Maybe you just want to go get your hormones checked and have your doctor go, wait a minute, oops, low testosterone, which we all can get low testosterone.

And then maybe your libido and drive isn't there because of low testosterone.

So I think start with what's easiest and what you know and where you're strong before you start to step out of your comfort level.

We all have different levels of consciousness and awareness.

And until we gain direct experience and access to a different level of consciousness,

you know, start where you are and have compassion for yourself and where you are.

It's like, okay, I'm at the baby step.

I had a client who, you know, I was working with him and he, he couldn't actually feel anything at the beginning of our journey together.

And I just would go so slow and I'd say, okay, I'm not going to touch anywhere in your body until you tell me exactly where you want me to touch and what, how you want me to touch.

And sometimes that would take the entire session until he'd be like, okay, can you just put your hand in my hand?

Really?

And then I'd sit there and then the tears would come and he'd cry.

It took me two hours just to say, can you put your hand in my hand?

And we worked so slowly, just so slowly until finally he could feel.

And why would that, why was that?

Or why is that?

A lot of times it's trauma.

A lot of times it's someone who has some kind of something in their history that just creates the inability that it creates a shutdown, it creates a block, it creates a pattern and a program.

And the thing I like to say about trauma is trauma is just an adaptation to an adverse situation.

It's actually beautiful that we survive through the things that we go through

and that we can adapt so beautifully.

The problem with the adaptations often is we grow past the adaptation and we're still utilizing that same adaptation because the body is still stuck in the trauma and the past.

And you work on helping gain the body unstuck from that trauma, which is a great segue because I want to talk about there's, well, you can do, you can choose what you want to do first, but there's five stages of sexuality and the five erotic blueprint types.

And what I love about, well, let's go with the blueprint types.

Okay.

Okay.

the five erotic blueprint types because i was going to say i have it in my notes here like some of them are

though some of the blueprints are kind of more gravitate towards people who've had trauma right versus other people so can you talk a little bit about all of those absolutely yeah so so energetic is the first one okay and that's someone who's turned on by t's anticipation space longing yearning for something superpower is that they can have non-genital orgasms they can have expanded states of consciousness they can have orgasms without even being touched.

The shadow side, however, is what you were talking about.

Oftentimes it's the energetics who have some kind of trauma in their history that's unresolved.

And so their system is so hypersensitive that now the too much, too quick, too fast type of sexuality will short circuit them and they'll dissociate out of their body.

And their body starts to create up an armor.

And that armor can get really thick because they don't know how to say no.

And so what I was going to ask you, is there a particular kind of trauma that's related to the energetic type of blueprint?

Oftentimes it's some kind of early development trauma, you know, as the nervous system is regulating when we're young, as our brain is growing.

It has something to do with that early childhood developmental piece.

But not sexual trauma, like they've been sexually molested.

It could be, but oftentimes it's, it can also be like they're just born very sensitive and our world.

is overwhelming.

And so it's like, how do we, I see this a lot with men, very sensitive boys growing up.

And then they're told to like man up and you know we've heard all heard that story boys don't cry kind of type thing and it's in that sensitivity that then there just becomes this guarding from life

and that that adaptation then becomes I'm not okay in the world I'm weird things are too much for me and I can't ask for what I need because I am strange you know so we start to go let me just then armor up, armor up, armor up.

And we're overriding our body's natural systems.

And that would be like an energetic type of person, right?

And okay, is that the most common?

Energetic?

Yeah.

Well, it depends on gender.

So this is kind of fascinating as we've looked at, we've had almost 3 million people, I think, now take the quiz to find out their type.

And

women come up primarily, cisgendered women, heterosexual women, come up primarily energetic, sensual.

And then men, I think, is interesting.

They come up primarily across the board.

Sexual is high in there, but it's not like, like people think like all men are sexual.

And that is a myth from what we're seeing.

Now, maybe sexual men don't fill out the quiz.

I don't know, but we're seeing across the board that there's a lot more variety in the men versus.

Okay, so tell me the other four because then people can be like, okay, where am I?

and all that other stuff.

I want people to know.

So energetic is one.

Energetic is one.

Sensual is the next one.

And that's someone who's turned on by what we think of in the sensual world.

So taste, touch, smell, beautiful environment, music that we love, that gets us into our arousal.

The superpower of the sensual is that they bring the beauty to the erotic experience.

Okay.

And then the shadow side is getting stuck in your head and hypervigilance.

So, speaking on how trauma shows up, the hypervigilant nervous system.

Now, we've got a nervous system that's like, wait a minute, that thing in the corner isn't quite right.

It's crooked.

Wait a minute, did I brush my teeth?

Oh no, I forgot to call that person back.

it's a it's hard to relax into the sexual experience

whereas

with essential you really need to relax first and find that relaxation before you can really go into that experience there just isn't a lot of turn on unless there's comfort there's relaxation there's safety so that that hypervigilance can calm down can calm down that's so interesting and you said there's you can blend right you could be a little bit of both yeah you can be percentages of all of these sometimes people have 0% and some of them and really high Yeah.

But for the most part, I see that people have a variety of percentages, but there'll be one or two that are the highest.

And yeah.

What's the third one?

The third one's a sensual, and that's someone who, or sexual, sexual.

Sexual.

So the sexual is someone who we, what we think of as sex in our culture.

Yeah.

And so that is intercourse, orgasms, nudity.

It's, it's, when we define sex, makes it blatantly obvious.

Yes.

Let's get to it.

Let's go.

Yeah, let's do it.

Get it done.

Get moving on.

Yeah.

Exactly.

And so the sexual blueprint, oftentimes, they have sex in order to relax.

The difference between the sensual and the sexual is that.

It's like, oh, I feel stressed.

If I have an orgasm, then I'll feel better.

Right.

And that person doesn't normally have trauma

in their life.

They can.

And so.

But not as

where I think the trauma falls into the sexual, if we're talking about the shadow sides, is that they get this limited definition of sex where their sexuality never grows past that limitation.

And so that limitation is is often, and they also don't realize that there's this whole other world of sexuality out there because they have somehow limited and it hasn't grown.

And I think that the reason why it hasn't grown is oftentimes because of some history or something or some way they've been told they've, they've been told that they have to be.

Like in the Netflix show.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Exactly.

You know, here he is and he thinks it's a sexual mask.

It's like, this is what I'm supposed to be as a strong guy.

And the truth was actually that he was energetic.

Yeah.

Exactly.

But like, it took probably, it took a long time to even get to that point, right?

Like, to know, of knowing that.

And the person has to be open to even wanting to find out, right?

Exactly.

That's the other thing.

So then the other, okay, so that's one, two, three.

What's the other two?

So kinky is another.

And kinky's the taboo.

So anything that you feel is taboo is kinky.

And so that could be psychological, wanting to play power dynamic games, or maybe it's the sensation-based aspect of it, like the constriction of ropes or scratch or slap.

These different intense sensations can come into it.

Superpower is that you can be endlessly creative.

Lots and lots to explore within what we've deemed naughty around sexuality.

Exactly.

And then

the positive is really, it is this creativity.

Another shadow is a lot of shame, you know, a lot of that.

Why is there so much shame around that one?

Around kinkiness?

I think it's because it feels out of the box.

Yeah.

So it's like, oh, why am I like this?

Why do I like these things that feel so naughty and not right and not okay?

And my partner, my own partner, he was like, wait a minute, I'm kinky and I don't know why I'm like this.

And why am I like this?

And why am I like this?

And he kept just trying to find out why he's like that.

And, you know, he didn't have trauma or abuse or, you know, like people kind of conflate like, oh, you must have had some trauma in your past to make you kinky.

And with any of these blueprints, it's not because of your trauma that you became this way.

It's just that what I've noticed in the shadow aspect, which the shadow aspect of kink is shame, it's because of the trauma of our culture that something in you isn't okay.

Right.

Because you like something that's outside the norm of what culture says is actually okay.

Because when I was going through them, I thought for sure that was going to be the one that had

the most trauma-based.

And when I saw it was like energetic, or I was like, oh, I was surprised by that as well, just because what you would think what society deems, you know,

different or traumatizing or whatever.

Right.

Okay.

And what's the last one?

So the last one is a shapeshifter.

Right.

And the shapeshifter is all of it.

And so the shapeshifter is someone who has a full spectrum sexuality because they can speak all the languages.

And the shapeshifter, it's interesting in their shadow, feels oftentimes like they're too much or too complex.

Like people have said to you, you're just too much.

Yeah.

You just want too much.

You take too long.

Yeah, everything.

It's just like they're extra in every way.

Exactly.

Okay.

And it's not that it's that they're just erotically sophisticated and really erotically intelligent.

Out of all the blueprints, they're the most sophisticated.

And so it really takes understanding the full spectrum of who they are,

not just trying to compartmentalize into one of these blueprints.

So in terms of relationships, right?

Because I know you talk about myths and all these others in the book as well.

And like compatibility, for example,

is there a myth then?

Like some people are not just sexually, like some, is it just, I'm just not sexually compatible with you?

Or can anybody be compatible with someone else?

or what's your opinion like talk about that i think one of the things that most people come to me for is because there's some kind of sexual mismatch yeah in their relationship otherwise they wouldn't need you exactly

exactly or sometimes sometimes people just want to come because they're like we just want to have fun and we want to learn all the things yeah exactly

it's like either one extreme exactly yeah it would be for sure like i'm just curious and i want to know everything you know right yeah But there is this aspect of, okay, if we're sexually incompatible, then we're doomed.

And I like to say that's a a mythology because really it just comes down to willingness to learn.

Are you willing to learn a new language?

Are you willing to take the time?

Do you love your partner in such a way that you're willing to take and do the work to learn the skill sets that actually turn them on and to learn that language that turns them on?

So it's not that you're mismatched.

It's often that there's an unwillingness or a resistance in one person to actually do what it takes to learn.

what the other person needs.

But what about like pheromones and chemistry?

I agree with that too.

I think that there's, so there's a difference between compatibility,

chemistry, and alchemy.

Okay, talk about the difference.

Yeah, let's do it.

So, so if we're looking at compatibility, I think it's mostly in that realm, something that you can learn.

So compatibility is like, I'm an energetic, you're a sexual, that can look like that's incompatible or a mismatch.

Right.

When actually you both have a lot to teach each other, if you're willing to listen, learn, and expand.

Right.

So that's just like anything.

If you're attracted to each other.

Exactly.

If you're attracted and you love each other and you're willing, that's easy.

Right.

No one's ever

attracted to them, then forget it.

No one wants to do anything.

So that comes down to chemistry.

So chemistry comes down to a number of different things, but one being pheromones.

I don't know if you've heard of the t-shirt study where they had women who were on birth control and they smelled t-shirts and they would choose a partner that they actually weren't sexually, chemically, you know,

attracted to because the birth control was messing up their ability to smell.

And we have have a nerve in our nose called cranial nerve zero that goes straight to the sex centers of the brain.

And that is reading the immune system of the partner for optimization of making a baby together.

And so I joke with my partner.

I was like, yeah, yeah, it was all about your pheromones.

You just had a good immune system that was a match for my immune system.

So we can make a baby's is the only reason why I fell in love with you.

Right, right, right.

Is that true?

I don't think it's the only reason.

I think that chemistry plays a role, but I also think there's something spiritual about falling in love and being attracted to people and what creates attraction.

Maybe there's a karmic bond between the two of you.

Maybe it's a trauma bond.

Maybe your traumas are there to play out and work out together.

But, you know, attraction is

chemical, but it's also mysterious, both.

Yeah.

And sexual attraction.

And then we get to alchemy.

And alchemy is when you come together to create, and the Tantrikas did this, the Greeks did this,

we're utilizing the polarity of masculine and feminine energies to create an alchemy within us that then creates a new energy, which is an energy of unity or like the manifestation.

A lot of times that's when the sex transmutation would be practiced.

Is now chemistry fades, but alchemy is when you're actually creating magic.

And, you know, I like to say that instead of any of this chemistry or compatibility, I'm really interested in alchemy.

Yeah.

I mean, but how is, okay, so that now that you said that, but you have five partners, right?

How are you able to have, do you have deep bonds with every one of them?

Are they all they all serve a different purpose?

Like, explain this whole thing.

I'm a person who creates really deep bonds.

Okay.

So one of my relationships has been over 20 years.

Okay.

I have another that's 20 years.

I have my partner Ian, who's here.

We've met.

Who is this guy?

He's been 16 years.

He's been with me for 16 years and we run our business together.

So that's another business development, you know, is

running a business with your partner and when he came in to be the CEO of my company and how he's taken that into a phase three automation.

So we have this, like the online marketing and the whole automated courses and all of that.

And he's doing that.

And that's him.

He loves doing all those things.

So so far we have two guys who've been around for 20 years, one guy for 16 years.

16 years.

Okay, what else?

Who are the other two?

It's a school of

a whole classroom, yes?

It's crazy.

I mean, I've got so many questions about this.

Again, I can't help myself.

Okay.

Well, and you might also find it interesting that one of my 20-year relationships is with a gay man.

And so there's a whole, like talking about blueprints, like we met, we fell in love with each other, madly in love with each other, and the energetic blueprint.

And we have alchemy, 100% alchemy.

But when it comes to the sexual blueprint, we have no chemistry, but we have a 20-year relationship.

And so the way, like he always jokes, he's like, you created the blueprints just so we could explain our relationship to people.

Yeah.

Okay.

I'm now beyond fasting.

Okay.

So are you ever, so besides, okay, so do you ever have sex with that guy?

We've never had intercourse.

And he, he jokes too, because he says, it's interesting, we don't meet in the sexual blueprint, but we meet in energetic and sensual.

And so we have an incredibly erotic.

He's like, that's why you call them the erotic blueprints.

And I was like, oh, it like hit me.

Yeah.

I was like, oh my gosh, I can't believe I didn't even notice that before.

Yeah, like, wait a second.

So you're, you're, you are, are you attracted to him in a different realm?

In a different realm.

Like, what is the realm?

It's completely energetic.

It's like a tantric, like we have been soul connected for many, many lifetimes feeling.

Like the first time that we had, we were doing a tantric puja together and he kissed my toe.

And the moment he kissed my toe, this energy shot through my whole body, went up my spine, out the top of my head, and everything became light and it was oneness.

And I was just shaking, he was shaking.

He started weeping on my chest.

We're sitting together, just holding each other, shaking.

And he's weeping on my chest.

He's just like, I didn't know, I didn't know.

Oh my God, lifetimes of love, lifetimes of love.

And we're, and that was, that was the beginning.

And so it started like that.

So all he has to do is be near me.

And I just start vibrating and shaking.

And like, it's calmed down.

I used to feel like I was going to explode every time he was around me.

But it wasn't, but it wasn't a sexual thing.

It was an orgasmic, like, it wasn't sexual blueprint.

And then, like, his penis was inside of me or anything like that.

But you were attacking him.

You weren't even naked.

But you were attracted to him.

Deeply attracted.

But not to have sex with him.

I think at that point in my life, I would have been like, I just didn't understand it.

And I was like, wait a minute, I love you.

You love me.

Like, why are we not having sex?

And it was so painful.

Yeah.

Really painful.

And what happened?

Yeah, because did he not want to have sex?

He did not.

Because, you know, he was confused just as much as I was.

He's like, wait a minute, I'm gay.

I'm like into guys, but.

like this woman, you know, and so he didn't know either what to do with it.

Exactly.

And so 20 years later, he's still with you?

20 years later, we just

took us a while to figure it out.

It took us like 17 years, really, to figure it out.

And the blueprints gave us a language.

We're like, oh, we're energetic lovers.

Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait.

This is so hey, so but wouldn't that be considered a friend?

Like, isn't he a friend?

No, we went through this because he was like, he would use the word friend and I'd get up really upset.

And it's like, I was like, it's like daggers.

I was so dramatic.

I was like, it's like daggers in my heart.

And he was like, okay, well, let me really look at that.

Cause to him, lover meant we're having intercourse.

Yeah.

And to me, because of the blueprints, I don't need to have intercourse with you.

We have the most amazing sexual experiences from running energy together, from moving.

I mean, we go into these oneness states and like become God and like in ecstasy together.

Wait, what?

I feel like

it's better than

intercourse.

I can't even.

So wait, does he live with you?

Okay, so when you say you're, I can never polyamorous, are you guys all living together?

No, we don't all live together.

So he lives in, he lives, he comes sees me a lot, but he lives in another city.

So he's a deepest.

So he can't.

And we work together too.

We teach together.

We work together.

He has a boyfriend.

Yeah.

Okay.

So now I'm like kind of now I'm going to peel back the layer.

So yeah, so he's one of the guys, but the truth of the matter is he is gay.

He has a boyfriend.

You have other people.

Like technically, I can say I'm polyamorous because I have a lot of guy friends who I have deep connections with.

maybe not maybe they're not putting their penis inside of me but right but we're still close friends can i share erotic energy with each other i don't know you tell me that's the not that that's the definition okay well what give me another dip no one's kissing my toe or give me an example give me another example

give me another example another another lover so i have another lover who i've had for five years and i talk about him in the book okay which one he's michael ashley is his name i don't remember that and um this guy i remember from the conference though with yeah this guy you travel with this one I travel with this one work with this one he's the he's the father of my son Ian okay yes yeah okay I remember we'll get to him later but go up go back to this one I've already heard about this one and I'll hear about him again but um yeah Michael Ashley and I have known each other for five years and we have a very he's sexual blueprint so he's a shapeshifter but he meets me in the sexual blueprint so it's like okay you know I'm hanging out with Christian we're not having intercourse I got all this erotic energy I gotta call up Michael Ashley and then you call this dude and then that's the guy that's my guy yeah okay does he live with you he lives so we have two places and where do you live by the way we're in boulder still and so two of my lovers st have have one house that's our downtown house and then we have another we have a retreat where we work and see clients and so ian and i stay at the retreat in boulder in boulder okay so you live with ian yeah but and who else do you live with just ian right now okay but you have four okay but and so two of them are downtown and then one is in seattle The gay guy is there.

Where's the gay guy?

Yeah, the gay guy's in Seattle.

Okay, Michael Ashley is downtown in Colorado.

Right.

Yeah.

Okay, but does Michael Ashley?

You're getting like the whole picture.

Oh, yeah.

I wanted to walk.

I'm telling you, I'm

all the good.

This is what people care about, by the way.

Forget about all the other.

I can throw away the rest of my notes.

It's so interesting because so many people come to me because they're like, I want to open my relationship.

Like, we want what you have because there aren't a lot of successful models, long-term relationship models for people who are in open relationships that are doing this very successfully.

And they always ask me, well, how are you doing this so successfully?

And I say, well, the main thing is that we're all pretty awake in our consciousness.

Yes, that's exactly what it is.

And we all have high compersion.

Do you know this term compersion?

What is compersion?

So compersion means that you are turned on by your lover being turned on.

Oh, I like that.

And so, you know, Ian had to develop it.

He didn't have that at the beginning.

It was really, he would get jealous and it would be really hard for him sometimes.

But over the years, he's had to develop it more because I'm a very free person.

No, really?

You think?

No.

Not at all.

You know, and it was a part of contention for us.

Yeah.

Really?

But we worked through it.

Do you have girlfriends, by the way?

So the other number five is a lover of Michael Ashley's, who I consider also a lover.

Okay, so you, so are you, do you call yourself fluid, bisexual?

What do you call yourself?

Yeah, I mean, I, it's so interesting, identity, you know, this idea of like, well, what is your sexual orientation?

What is your gender?

Like, I think we're all in this place of exploring a lot of that more.

I think we're getting free, especially younger generations.

It's like not, like, there's just like, what's the big deal around this conversation?

Can I tell you, it's not crazy?

Because you and I, when you're in your 40s, you said, right?

I mean, back when, like, they don't even have relationships anymore.

Like, it's all just kind of like cooking up here and there.

And like the word fluid, you know, fluid or bi.

It's like not even, it's like a non-issue.

Right.

But I don't know if it's because where we live, like LA is like that.

Boulders are like that.

It's a conversation.

Exactly.

It's more open and liberal around it.

But not in Florida, it's not like that.

Or Alabama won't be like that.

Right.

So I think it's about, it is way more like than it was before, but I can't, I'm shocked at how it's changed with like, just in terms of like the younger generation.

But so yeah, so for me, I've really done a lot of exploration, just even like genealogy bloodlines ethnicity like looking at identity from all the different spectrums that we create identity and i i came to this realization like a shapeshifter yeah that i'm all of it You're all of it.

I'm all of it.

And so, and I'm also none of it at the same time, which may seem very confusing to some people, but there's an everything nothingness that I've come to that gives me a lot of freedom because then I can choose in the moment what identity that I'm putting on based just like us sitting here right now.

It's like, okay, I'm Jaya, the author, the sexologist telling these stories.

And, and so this, this, there's a freedom in there's no identity, but I can put on any identity.

I totally, I actually do understand what you're saying.

What I find interesting is you said something that I think is like the most important in the sense of having this type of relationship, which is the other people have to be awakened, have an awakened consciousness.

That's rare.

And like, let me just say this.

I don't know if this is going to come out right.

And I may have to edit this out because I'm going to like make an ass of myself by even explaining it.

But like the guys that I would think who I would be, for example, attracted to would not be people who would be okay with or like have this awakened, what do you call it, awakened consciousness.

Yes.

Like the people that I notice who are, who have this awakened consciousness are people I would never be attracted to.

It's like a very specific type of person.

Right.

Right.

And the reason why I'm using myself as an example, I'm talking about me as like the mainstream girl, you know, like

in that sense, you know, but who is very open-minded and very curious.

So let's say like that kind of person.

So then you're like limited to, even if you're interested in having that type of relationship, your pool of people to pick from who would do it is very limited.

Yes.

It's a small community.

Yes.

But it's interesting, you know, Ian, when he decided that he wanted to have an open relationship and be polyamorous after his divorce, he was like, okay.

Which one's Michael Ashley?

Okay.

Ian.

Ian's this one.

Ian's this one.

I'm a man like Strallibus here.

And so, you know, he was like, okay, I'm going to do this thing.

And I'm just going to be really honest with everybody.

And honesty was such an aphrodisiac that he, before he knew it, he was dating five different women right out the gate.

And I was one of them.

And so he you know he learned very quickly too like a lot of them were not polyamorous a lot of them didn't didn't they wanted they were willing to try it with him because they were like so curious totally

but they you know he eventually realized okay i have to date somebody who actually is in that orientation you know and people say polyamory for some people is a lifestyle polyamory for other people is an orientation and i feel like for me it's an it's an orientation yeah There's a lot of woman here that needs, and even like saying woman, it's like there's a lot of being.

There's a lot of, but I totally get what you're saying, though.

I mean, do you feel though, okay, a couple of things, just by who you are, like automatically, like, do you have any girlfriends, like friends who are just girls that you can just hang out with?

I do.

That you're not like having sex with.

I do.

You do.

And that's different, you know, like friend energy is very, very different.

What's not, it doesn't stir anything erotically.

Right.

So do you have, are you?

It's just like we're hanging out, we're talking, we're like, oh, right.

Normal friend, like the girlfriend.

But like someone like you who's so acute and all this stuff and like awakened, I would like think you're pouring out sexual energy to everybody.

And that's because of what you do for a living and everything else.

Like, is it hard for you to have like regular friends, like normal people that are just friends?

Yeah, I mean, I would say that throughout my life, that has been a challenge just to have like a girlfriend that you're like hanging out with and doing, you know, I'm going to air quote normal

things because.

Well, they don't want you near your husband, your boyfriend, or whoever, girlfriend, whatever, you know?

Yeah, I mean, I definitely, I even had that problem when I was in high school.

You did?

It was like.

I was the girl.

I don't know if you had this when you were in high school, but like I played Spin the Bottle once and kissed a boy.

And then like I was pregnant the next day.

Like the whole school had rumors, you know, like claims that you're like, are you considered to be like loose or slutty or all those things?

I just think there was a jealousy

that happened with other girls because of the energy freedom or the energy that I had.

But I like waited to have sex.

Like the amount of people that I've actually had intercourse with, because I have long-term partners.

So like

people think like, oh, she must be having all this sex.

And there's nothing wrong with having as much sex as you want to, as long as it's coming from a healthy place.

Yeah.

But I'm very discerning

about who I allow to be with my body.

And so it's just, it was always just so funny to me.

It's like a disconnect for people for sure.

Like, well, because because I'm just thinking, like sitting here with you, I can imagine, like, A, like, because also I think what's very sexy in general with anybody is when people are very comfortable in their own skin, right?

And they're like, and they are authentic and they're like, you know, they are confident.

And like, you ouse that because

everything we're talking about, like, it's part of who you are.

So I would imagine either you're having, like, you know, people would are all very attracted to you.

How would you have a, like, do you ever meet guys that you just want to be friends with and they're like, no, I want to have this with or?

It's actually the opposite.

Really?

It's really interesting.

I have this theme throughout life.

And maybe it started with my early lover from college who, you know, is the gay man.

But, oh yeah, the same guy.

Yeah.

Jesus has been around forever.

So like, so like, I have this thing where a lot of times people don't want to have sex with me.

They want to love me.

And I don't know what that is, but it's like, sometimes it's like a little like, come on, like, let's have sexual blueprint, you know, like, and they don't want to, and they don't want to.

Why?

I've literally had people say to me, I don't, Jaya, I don't want to do that with you.

I really just want to love you and take care of you.

And it's super sweet.

And, you know, sexualities are really important.

And you're like angry about it.

I am.

I am.

Yeah.

Do you feel like it's rejection to you?

Like, do you find it like as do you feel rejected when they say that to you?

I just have a lot of curiosity around

archetypes with it for me.

Around why do people see me as this archetype of, you know, I get a lot of like, you're a goddess and you're the, you know, which is great.

I love that.

And, and also, like, the goddess likes to have you in pleasure.

So

the intimidated and scared.

There's a, there's an intimidation, but I also think that there's a pedestal, pedestalizing.

And I oftentimes will be say, you know, I bleed.

I, just like a regular woman, you know, I've given birth to, I'm a mom.

I have these other identities.

Right.

And in that, love to be fed and all of me, not just a compartmentalized aspect of myself.

I wonder if the, if the guys even know and recognize that they're even doing that to you.

It's like a subject.

Oh, I point it out now.

You do.

Okay, this is a pattern.

We're going to stop this right now.

We're going to, really?

And it's something I talk about in the book too.

It's like, okay, what are the loops you're in?

What are the patterns that show up again and again and again in your life?

And this is one of them.

You know, it's like, okay, here's this pattern that's showing up in my life.

I'm going to stop it as soon as it starts now and go, okay, if you really want to love me and you really want to be in a relationship with me, then here's what I need because I'm full spectrum.

Yeah.

Okay, so then I was going to say, but I'm talking about all of these different blueprints.

Are there people that are just not compatible sexually because they're too far one way or the other?

Like if one person's really hardcore on the energetic and the other one's on the kinky.

Yeah, I mean, if you're like 100% energetic and the other is 100% sexual, then I'd say, okay, your blueprint is showing you where you're limited.

It's time to to expand.

And are you, again, coming down to willingness?

Are you willing to learn a new language?

You only speak, you know, American English.

Can you learn to speak other language?

Even if you can just say a few words, that's the beginning.

I guess my question, I guess, more is like, is sexuality fixed?

Like,

no, not at all.

Not at all.

Like, can I, if I'm, if I'm a one, if I'm one of the blueprints, can I become another person?

100%.

So I think my friend Esther Perel, she says that there are multiple sexualities, not one sexuality.

And I believe that we're always innovating our sexuality and we're growing in our sexuality.

And so life changes even, just like I had a baby.

How did that affect?

Or I'm going through menopause.

How does that affect my blueprint?

I've seen a lot of people go energetic.

Yeah.

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Someone like Esther Perel, you mentioned her already.

What's the difference between someone like her and someone like you, what you do?

Because people think of her as the person, like the go-to, let's say, for sexuality, right?

But you guys are so different.

Yeah, Esther and I, we love doing things together because of that, because she really has like the psychology and the psyche-emotional realm so deeply, but I have the somatic.

And so, to bring her teachings, even like into the body and how are we practicing some of the things that she's talking about, I tend to bring things into practice and into, okay, well, now let's experience it, not just talk about it.

Right.

That's that's a good example.

And she talks about erotic blueprints too in her book, Mating in Captivity, but different.

Hers is really a blueprint created upon, I think she says, show me how you were loved and I'll show you how you loved.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah.

That's a great, I like that.

Yeah, she does do that.

That's true.

And I also, not to keep on like dwelling on or beating a dead horse, but like with Ian and all your,

is Ian your, do you have a main, like main lover and the rest are kind of just like kind of ancillary?

Or are they all equal?

Do they all have lovers too?

There are many ways to practice polyamory.

I'm more interested in your polyamory.

It's really about finding out what works for you.

And so what I've discovered over the years, you know, there's been moments where Ian was my primary relationship.

And that's because we were raising a young son and it was like, okay, we need to just really be together and raise this baby and do that together.

And what's your baby now?

He's 14 and a half now.

Okay.

And so then, and then also that like felt really good for both of us.

Plus, we lived with one of my other partners who has been around for 20 years, John, who I wrote my first book with.

And so

did you mention him already?

Yeah, I did.

Which one was John?

John, 20 years.

And he lives, he lives with us in Boulder.

And we live together, right?

Yeah, yeah.

He takes care of our son.

And so for

12 and a half years, we lived together, all three of us.

And we were raising our son together.

And so that, actually is amazing because it's like really harmonious because I could work

while John has been the one who mainly takes care of our son.

And so both of us could like really do business and do other things while we had somebody.

I mean, I'm like, how do single moms do this?

I have three

right?

Like, I have a community of people, a whole constellation of stars.

Can you believe it?

Like, it's amazing to me that they can do it.

I say that to myself all the time, how people can do it as single moms.

I don't get it.

It takes literally a village.

I mean,

literally.

Do they have relationships like Ian and John?

So not a sexual relationship with each other.

So,

and it's, and you know, that's also interesting is like, how does everybody interact together?

And so in the last few years, I've really come away from like having a primary partner and much more into this idea of a constellation.

that we're like a constellation of stars.

Yeah.

And each constellation has its point in relationship to me and in relationship to each other.

And so, yes, they all have other lovers.

Yes, they all

like a community, you know, like we practice more sometimes people call it kitchen sink polyamory.

And it's like where everybody knows about each other.

And we are like a community who supports us.

We're going through a really rough time with one of my lovers who's really ill right now.

And everybody has been so beautiful.

Like people flying out to be with my son, people, you know, coming into town to be with him while he's in the hospital, while, you know, I'm here doing interviews, like those kinds of things where

one of them's cleaning the house.

You know, like everybody is coming together because we are we are like a community who has so much love for each other and in that there's no hierarchy of my love it's not like oh i love you more than i love you it's it's very much just i love all of you and i love all of you equally now do we spend equal time together no and and there's reasons for that you know some people live farther away or it's just the way that things work because they have other primary partners right so because they have primary you're you're so you're like a secondary or tertiary or whatever partner in their world in their world how about your son how does he react all does he know what's going on he's 14 he's not young but he's not old yeah does what does he think what does he feel you know he's just he's being a 14 year old he's yeah teenagers

like whatever yeah

i'm just gonna go play video games you know

and and it's his life like he grew up yeah you know the day he was born john cut his umbilical cord and ian you know ian was there holding me the day he was born.

And so, and Christian is like, Christians are my gay lover.

He is like the cool uncle who plays video games with him and, you know, takes him on trips and that kind of thing.

And so he gets to interact with all these people.

He's being raised in a village.

But, you know, again, like age-appropriate sexuality, we're not like sharing all the things that we're doing.

It's more just like, and he'll, he'll roll his eyes at me because I'll say, you know, my friend, blah, blah, blah.

He's like, mom I know who they are yeah

don't have to say friend I love that that is so funny because like oh my gosh because he's like a 14 year old kid yeah that's amazing all he cares about is he's gonna teach him how to drive and like you know that looks like a normal kid yeah and he said and I always tell him I'm like what's it like to be so loved because he's an only child and he has all of this love.

I mean, from the moment he's born, I was like, you chose, you had some good karma in your past life.

Yeah.

Boy, I mean, he has one who like makes him breakfast in the morning, somebody else who's there to like play video games with him, another one to play tennis, you know, and it's just like he has this village of people around him who

love him.

Well, wait, you have two that live downtown, and you and John, you and Ian live together with John.

Is John still there then?

Oh, so you still live with John and Ian?

And then you have those other two that come all the time up and down.

John and John and Michael Ashley live in the same house, and then Ian and I live in a house.

And then Michael Ashley's lover is also in town.

Okay, who's Seattle?

Holy shit, who's the one?

Yeah, exactly.

Seattle is Christian.

Yeah, Christian.

Oh, Christian.

And Christian is the gay one.

Yeah.

Got it.

Okay.

God.

Do you know this?

I mean, it's hard to explain.

Are you, are you going to, are you inviting me?

Can you have more?

Are you looking?

Not looking.

But do you want more people?

No, I feel really content with our family.

You know, to me, it's a family.

I feel really content.

And

we're also very close.

And I mean, my mom's a hoot.

So my mom's like, yeah.

Really?

My free-spirited daughter.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

I love that.

So she thinks it's like great, the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Yeah.

I mean, and then how do women respond to you?

Not friends.

I know you have a few friends.

When they meet you, like when you go to things or like, I don't know what you do for what kind of stuff do you do when you're not having sex?

Like when you're not like, when you're not having an orgasm, when you're not having sex, what do you do?

You know, it's normal.

Like hanging out with my son.

He loves to roller skate so like doing going to the roller skating rink or going out to dinner hiking i swim in the lake every day you do just those those just beautiful lifting a regular person just having lots of sex basically regular person just having lots of sex traveling around i work a lot you know you do i work a lot with clients and so you still do a lot of client work like what what does it look like now are you traveling a ton like to the

most rich and famous people in the world because they all want to up up level their everything in life, right?

That's a lot of it.

A lot of it is.

I always have worked with celebrities.

It's really interesting.

Even when I was in Ohio, I had like Olympic athletes and celebrities and people who came to see me.

And maybe it's just something

that they feel drawn to me, word of mouth, internet.

But then these later years, it's been, we do a lot of travel adventure, which is really fun of just going and we choose like some amazing location and we travel for like three days to a week, depending upon the client where I'm at and working with them.

And we just have an epic experience learning and in a beautiful location and doing a lot of transform transformational work as well, you know, because I'm, I'm really there to help them transform into whatever it is that they're seeking to transform into.

And so do they have to do it?

I know it sounds great.

I know it sounds like a crazy question, but do you have to demo sometimes how to do this?

Yeah, I mean, like, so you saw the Sex Loving Goop demo.

That's what I'm saying.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That kind of stuff of like, like

right in it.

You're like, you're involved yes you know yeah i i have always thought of myself as someone who's teaching from my own body like i'm teaching i call it teaching from the table like i'm teaching from what's happening and so a lot of people are interested in the energetic and learning how to do all the inner fun energetic stuff

so um you know you see it on on the goop show there with ian and i practicing that yeah so i do and and so christian ian and i travel together a lot and we go because christian teaches with me as well and so we go and it's really interesting to see because a lot of times people want to see how do we live our life because they want what we have and they

see something that's a desire in them of something that's possible in terms of love, in terms of relationship.

And so I just live, I pretty much like live with the client so they can see like, this is how we live.

This is how we are.

Wow.

So they hire you basically just to live with them technically for like a week.

And so they can kind of like download it all.

Yeah.

Watch you.

See how

it's

while we're doing things like unraveling their trauma, helping them get through the psycho-emotional charges that are there, the loops and patterns that they're in, you know, unlocking orgasmic possibilities,

doing blueprint work, all of this.

Can I ask you a, and you don't have to answer, I'm curious though, because I'm sure people are going to be listening and be like, hey, how much would it, how much would it cost to have you come along for a week to some great tropical island and watch you for a week?

How much would it cost

watch you in the wild, like you and Ian and John and the wild, you know, like that's what it is though, right?

Like

learn from you really.

Yeah, it's it's really interesting because I mentioned how I made that transformation in my relate my relationship to work from like one-offs, like a week or like even people coming in for a few hours to work with me to now everybody works with me for a year.

And so I see it as a mentorship.

And so you're really diving in deeply into a mentorship.

It's a year-long process.

And it usually takes 10 months where that radical transformation starts to happen.

You said, like, well, how long does it really take to get this?

It's like, okay, now you know how to play the piano.

Yeah.

Now I can go, you got this.

And it usually takes, it's that 10 mark.

I love October.

It's like my favorite, because I always start everybody in January.

And I love October because when I get to October, that's usually when they start to like pop September, October.

And I know like clockwork, my clients are going to start to have these big wins.

And then all of a sudden, they've like let go of the pattern that they've been in for 20, you know, 10, 20, however long they've been together.

Yeah.

Sometimes their whole life, they've been playing out this pattern.

And now we've finally broken free of that pattern.

And now we're in a different game.

Now we're playing, it's, you know, we liken it to video games.

It's like, now we're in New Game Plus.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now we're, that's amazing.

We got through this level and now we're in a completely different place.

And so that year-long process is anywhere from a quarter million to a million dollars to work with me now.

So Kashmir says, because also there's, it's also going to be, wow, but because you can only take on, how many people can you see at a time?

Yeah, I only take on, usually my clients stay with me for many years because we start to form, you know, just like they've been through this process with me for a year.

Oftentimes I'm supporting them to some big crises because sex is this place where we keep all our hidden stuff.

Yeah.

And so, you know,

it's like, it's really intense work.

It's not like for the faint of heart, it takes a lot of courage.

And so once I've held somebody through that year, then they're like, okay, now next year is going to be the fun year.

And so I have clients who I've had clients who stay with me up to eight years, you know, just, and so there's not new spaces oftentimes

because I only take on two or three couples a year.

Yeah.

In singles, sometimes it's a single person.

And, and so in that, unless somebody falls off, then I have an opening usually for somebody to come in new.

Right.

Because like, I was going to say, because people must feel so incredibly attached to you after, because like even you're like making, like going into their most vulnerable places and then making them feel like they can be free yep for the first time maybe

exactly they feel free to express fully who they are like even looking watching the show and i like i just keep on thinking about that one situation with on the table whatever and like i was uncomfortable even watching that situation because i can imagine like i would be so uncomfortable in that situation right but like you were a pro like i would like like what you did was you did it so well right like you make the people feel so comfortable like you obviously have a gift There's not many people who do what you do, but like, I mean, it's it really is.

Like, you're so unique.

You really are.

Are there other somatic sexologists like you, even?

I don't even know if there, I, I mean, I don't know, but there are other somatic sexologists, and we've trained 300 coaches

who work as erotic blueprint coaches.

And so, they're gonna specify they're gonna specifically work as erotic blueprint coaches.

Okay.

However, what I do actually is quite a unique because I'm bringing together all my gifts from the last 30 years.

You know, it's like, it's like, I love the story of this.

There's a story in business circles of this guy who was like going to get his car fixed.

And the first mechanic, you know, tinkered a little bit, took a day or two to get a part, put the part back in.

The guy gets his car back in three days and, you know, charges him $1,000 or something like that.

And the, the guy's like, okay.

And then, but then like a few months later, the, the rattle comes back in his engine.

He's like, oh, and he takes it to another mechanic and kind of the same thing.

Like this mechanic even takes a week and charges him a little bit more.

He's like, okay, now it's finally fixed.

And then he goes to this older mechanic who's been around for 40 years, who he hears is like a really genius at this.

And the guy looks under the hood and goes, kink, kink, and says, okay, that's $10,000.

And the guy's like, what?

$10,000?

All you did was like hit the thing.

He's like, yeah, but it took me 40 years to get the wisdom and the knowledge to be able to just go tink, tink and make that thing go away.

100%.

Exactly.

And you're the tink, tink person.

That's amazing.

So people could take a course and have clients, but do they, do you have a whole, I guess you have a program, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

So that's the thing that Ian built in our business

was that he really built the online portion where people can go now.

So that's more accessible.

You know, not everybody can come work with me.

Yeah.

The race is really not, right?

People don't have a million dollars in their pocket, really.

I mean, maybe some people, but listening to this, but that was a really interesting choice just in me working through my money stuff of like being able to say, like, oh this is what i charge that's why i asked without any like

shame or anything you know to just be able to matter of factly say this is what i charge and part of that was i realized that if i could work with people at that level those people impact

so many other people.

So I'm mostly interested in working with people who can make a big impact because I see the relationship and the mentorship as

a way to impact massive people because I'm working with those influencers.

Yeah.

And if they talk about it.

If they talk about it.

And a lot of them run companies and then how that trickles down into their company and their dynamics even because they grow so much that then that trickles into the world in a really big way, even where people put their money.

And they'll feel stuck and therefore they'll be better leaders and different leaders.

Exactly.

But I only asked you that question because you

opened me up for the ability because you said that you did that orgasm at the beginning to have,

to make more money, to be more comfortable financially, to do all that wealth stuff.

So I wanted to see if you were gonna say how much, and you were like, no, you were fine with it.

And I find it really interesting because especially on this podcast, right?

Because a lot of entrepreneurs listen to this, whatever.

People are so uncomfortable with talking about how much money they make,

what their money

status is.

They'll talk about everything else.

And if you say, how much does that cost?

Or how much do you make for that?

Or how much is that course?

They will talk around it for like a half an hour because

they don't want to talk about the actual money figure.

And I always find that to be so telling and weird.

And like, here, because if the camera was off or this was off, or whatever, the microphone was off, they would tell me.

It's like talking about sex.

That's what I'm saying.

It's the exact same thing.

That's what I was saying.

It's like they are the two things that people are so awkward and uncomfortable.

But once you're free with it, like, who cares?

Like, I don't care.

You ask me, I'll tell you.

And I just found it very interesting because you said that you were free with it.

And then you obviously are because you didn't, like, you didn't beat around the bush.

It's around six figures, seven figures.

I don't know.

Like, you went right, you just told me.

Right.

You know, and now people know.

Right.

And it's not weird because you just said it.

Right.

And then the beauty of it is, okay, just like owning it then gives other people permission to own it too.

Yeah.

And we all start to elevate our abundance.

Um, because why not, you know?

I never understand that.

Like, I never, why are people so weird about it?

Like, I know, like, I'm not going to be able to pay $1 million for you.

Then my, actually, in my head, I'm like, what do you get for $250,000 that you don't get for a million?

So I want to know, like, is there a package?

You get like a package for $250,000.

Is there a package for $500,000?

Is there actually a package?

I don't think of them as packages and programs.

So this was, this is an interesting evolution in the business.

So I went from like a doctor, right?

Like, a charge hourly or a therapist, right?

You charge hourly.

Like, it's this much an hour.

And then somebody in business really shifted my mindset.

And they were like, oh, you should, you should offer packages and programs.

Cause then it's like, and I remember that day because I wanted to throw up.

The first time I ever made an offer, I was like, oh my God, I'm going to throw up.

I'm going to throw up to say this number.

It was $7,999 for my package.

Really?

That I had.

It was like one immersion day where people could come work with me and like a number of calls plus a workshop.

Yeah.

Something like that.

Yes.

And I was like, oh my God, I'm going to throw up.

I'm going to throw up.

Cause I had so much money shame and just so much stuff tied up.

And like, I can't ask for this.

Like, who am I?

Like all the worth and the value stuff.

Posture syndrome stuff.

Exactly.

Can I really deliver?

Like all of that.

And then it went from that to 15K.

And I remember that day.

I'm like, okay.

And then I offered it to a client.

It was like 15K.

And they're like, no, we insist on paying you 20.

So my clients started insisting on paying me more because they knew I was undervaluing

my own work.

And then I went to six figures.

The first time I offered, it was $100,000 to work with me for a mentorship.

And when I went to there, it was interesting.

The person who took that, we had four people apply for that very first offering.

And she said, I was waiting for you to value yourself enough to raise your rate to six figures.

Really?

Otherwise, my husband wouldn't take it seriously.

Seriously?

That was like such a learning for me.

I was like, all this time, I could have just been

a million.

Exactly.

That is so.

But there is a psychology.

There's a whole psychology behind that, too, because people don't think you're valuable unless you are so expensive.

Exactly.

It's like, that's like, and like, welcome to where we are in the world, like in LA or like these places where you have a lot of money or wherever.

And it's perspective too.

That was something somebody else said to me who, you know, she had, it was very, actually early on and I just didn't take the lesson.

And she said, you know, it's all perspective.

Money is all perspective.

And then I realized like, I can charge whatever and it doesn't matter.

And then I can, and the thing that I really love that I love to do, and again, this isn't like because of shame or to justify, but this is because I like this model of business, which is I love that, okay, I have these rates, but then I can take on so many pro bono clients.

Right.

And people take pro bono clients?

I do.

So I just take on pro bono clients.

So for every immersion that I do for a paying client, I do a pro bono client.

And I get so much value out of that.

Plus, the clients who are paying me know that that's happening.

Right.

And then they're like, we're supporting another person to have this transformation along with us.

And I try to choose somebody who's having the same challenges.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Yeah, so that I just love, I love that aspect of my business.

That okay, I get to like, it's like Christmas for me.

I get to choose anybody anywhere in the world that I want to work with who has some challenge that they're struggling with, yeah, that could use the expertise that I have.

And what is the most common, and then I know I gotta wrap this up.

I just wanted to open something because I want people to feel like they can relate.

Like, what is someone the most

a couple, okay?

That two of the most common problems that you think people really really have that I want people to know so they don't feel like they're alone.

This is something I talk about in the book as well, which is that we get into an unconscious pattern with our partner

and we run the same racket over and over and over again.

And we're not aware that we're even running that racket.

Yeah.

And so we're playing a game,

essentially,

that we're stuck in a loop.

And I don't know if you've ever felt like that.

Like, oh, God, here I am doing this again.

Yeah.

Doesn't everyone feel that way?

I feel like that for sure is like it's like this people get into a like a sexual routine though right a sexual routine but also your psyche emotional dynamic surrounded it's like well that's what i'm saying like that's you how do you and like how do you break that loop though or how do you break that rument that i think the first thing is just to become conscious of it so you become conscious of the loop that you're in

and then you're like okay wait a minute if the moment i become conscious of it i can choose not to do that then that is a moment of choice right okay and ian and i laugh too because we're like, oh, we're, I'll even say, we're playing the game again.

Yeah.

We're doing, we're doing the thing.

Oh, really?

And we'll get into the laugh.

And we'll laugh.

And then it gets less and less like each time we do it.

It's like, I think last time it was like three minutes.

We're like, oh, we're doing the thing.

Okay, do we want to keep doing the thing?

Hold on.

And then we do like a little mini, and we're like, okay, wait a minute, we're done with this.

Really?

Stop.

I love it.

But it used to be a week, you know?

Yeah.

Of course.

Of course.

It's still

human.

Definitely.

Definitely humans.

You're not just someone on a pedestal.

Okay, what's the other one that people do a lot?

And then I think the other one is just

we get caught in our blueprint and don't want to go out of it to learn anything new.

And learning something new, especially in sexuality, feels threatening to our egos.

Especially for sexual blueprints, I will say.

They really, they're like, something's wrong in our, but everybody else was fine with our sex life, or they really hate to hear that there's something wrong with their sex life.

So how do you tell somebody in a way that's, that would make them actually be open to willing, or being willing to be open to?

Yeah, I think there's a conversation there of, here's, there's something that I'd love to talk to you about.

You're not in trouble.

Right.

Yeah, exactly.

Because as soon as somebody says, I want to talk to you about something.

Oh, God, I did something wrong.

Right.

And so you're not in trouble.

And it's just something that I has come to my awareness and I would love to share with you.

Do you have time now?

Would you like to schedule a time?

And what would have you feel safe to have a conversation about sexuality?

Yeah, but you're saying it so confidently because you've like, it's like, yes, I understand, but that doesn't make the other person feel less threatened, though, right?

Yeah, I mean, sometimes their threat can come up, but if you, if you offer to them what would have you feel safe,

then they, they get the opportunity to say, well, I'm, I can't do this right now.

I'm concerned.

Is there something I should be concerned about?

Or, you know, whatever they're having.

Right.

No, I just, there's just things I want to communicate with you.

Or

I tell people all the time, blame it on Jaya.

Like, I heard this woman Jaya on this podcast.

Yeah.

It's an asshole.

And

she said, that's 100% true.

And I took this quiz and, you know, like, I'm excited about that.

And so that's another way.

And is there anything you need to feel safe to have a conversation about this?

Or would you be willing to take the quiz and find out more?

And that tells you something just about where they feel and how they feel safe.

I think that's like, I think starting with, do you want to take this great quiz?

Like, that's what, I mean, that's what I would start with, right?

Because I think the quiz is a great, what do you call it?

Just like a not a conversation opener, not really, but like it's a icebreaker.

Icebreaker.

Exactly.

Jaya, I'm so happy you came on this podcast.

I'm so happy to be here.

Thank you so much for really digging in.

No, thank you.

I really love this.

It's like, and I, and I really, really appreciate your, like, your earnest and honesty.

Like, I really do.

I, like I said, like,

you weren't like trying to mince words and like kind of skirt around things and like I'm telling you that's like every podcaster's dream right because like I said once like the conversation usually when it when the mic's off is very different when the mic is on and you just you know you didn't change so thank you I was saying to Ian you know sometimes I feel like my transparency like I don't have a

filter good and sometimes my transparency is an amazing thing because it gives people lots of permission and sometimes I'm like I'm really ballsy like really courageous Yeah.

And then sometimes I'll be like, what did I say?

Yeah.

And like, you'd be kicking yourself, like, what the hell did I say that for?

But then I, but then I also have this thing of like, no regrets.

Like, it happens.

We said it.

And I don't regret what I said because there's somebody out there who needed to hear exactly what I said and exactly the way that I said it.

And if it helps one person, then it's always worth it.

Yeah.

Well, I think, listen, I think, I think you're great.

I think the book is great.

It's called Your Blueprint for Pleasure, Jaya, like Madonna, Jaya.

It's a great book.

Find out your erotic types.

Everyone should take the quiz, you guys.

It is so this book, the quiz, it's just great.

It's really well, well done.

And so glad you liked it.

So informative.

I love it.

Thank you.

And good luck on the books, the whole

book and the tour.

I'm sure you're going on a whole like podcast tour, a book tour.

Where can people find you?

If anyone wants to know more about your work, where will they find you?

Jaya, J-A-I-Y-A dot love, L-O-V-E.

Yeah, go ahead.

Yeah, no, you've no, you don't have Instagram where you do, but it's not not.

I do.

And I'm also on Facebook.

Yeah, facebook.com/slash Jaya.

You can find me there too.

What are you, like, 150?

I am 150.

Like, I still do Facebook.

You do?

Yes.

Yeah.

I know that you're, because I know you're not on social, like, you're not on Instagram as much as like other people, which kind of I think is actually, I like it personally.

Yeah, I, I just don't resonate with social media much.

I love that about you.

Don't change that.

Yeah, I don't.

I love doing podcasts and I love like being with people.

Yeah.

But social media and I

good.

But I'm too busy having orgasms.

Yeah, you're too busy having orgasms exactly with all my lovers.

Love that.

Oh my God.

Okay.

Bye, everybody.