Episode 248: 3 Hard Truths About Relationships

Hi, guys, it's Tony Robbins.

You're listening to Habits and Hustle, Greg.

Hi, everybody, and welcome back to Habits and Hustle, solo edition, where we uncover and talk about a topic that's out there in the ether that is of interest to me and hopefully you too.

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Shawni.

Hi, Shawnee.

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And let's just go right into today's topic.

Today's topic is we're going to go over three hard truths that are in relationships.

All right, you guys.

The first hard truth is the more you try to get somebody to like you, the less they will.

The second hard truth is a trait you dislike in someone else is usually a trait that you have in yourself.

And the third hard truth in every relationship is that you actually need a little friction to make that relationship real, to make it authentic.

And we're going to go into those deeper right now.

First of all, what do you think of those three hard truths?

I agree with some of them and I disagree with some of them.

Some, there's only three.

Yes.

I agree with one.

I disagree with some.

Okay.

So you agree with two?

Actually, no, I agree.

I agree wholeheartedly with the first one, disagree with the second, and I am medium on the third.

Okay, so let's go into them.

So the first hard truth is the more you try to make someone like you, the less they will.

I think that we can all pretty much agree that is true.

Right.

Yes, definitely.

Right.

Because a lot of times when we want someone to like us, we like act desperate or we come across desperate, even if we're in intent.

We know our intention is not to.

For some reason, we tend to do that.

Like, I think that our personalities even like change and tweak.

That's happened to me many times, right?

Like when I really liked a guy, for example, I would always act weird or different than I normally would because I desperately wanted him to like me when I was younger, right?

And like once I walked away from that situation, I'm like, what the hell am I doing?

It makes me so unattractive, right?

But we all tend to do that.

So we come across desperate, even malintended.

Is that a word?

Malintended or unintended?

Yeah.

No, I agree with that.

The other thing is I think that we seem very disingenuous, right?

Like how many times when you want someone to like you, or like you see these things all the time when like people are like yes men, they have no, they don't have their own opinion forged or they just want to agree with everything you say because they want you to like them.

It actually like backfires and makes you less attractive.

It makes you unattractive, right?

Versus just like having an opinion and being authentic and real, right?

And the other part is like a lot of times we come across, again, very not authentic, which is the most unattractive quality.

Wait, I just thought of something that was kind of interesting.

In a larger scale, like in terms of entertainment media, I think that's probably the only way, the only area that it actually works where trying to get people to like you can work.

Because there are a lot of, for example, content creators or influencers or whatever who are super fake online and are completely disingenuous, don't have any authenticity, but they get they have a huge fan base who really likes them because of what they portray and they're really calculated in that.

So that's interesting that okay, it's actually like so interesting.

That is interesting, but I don't find what happens in social media or on social media

to be real.

No, of course.

All of it is a bunch of nonsense.

And I think that, like, you can have a very likable persona, but you're not really interacting directly with somebody.

You're basically playing a role, like an actor or an actress, right?

And that you can be very likable as an actor and actress.

A lot of times in real life, you're very not likable

in that way, right?

But as in to say it's the one time that that phrase might not necessarily hold true, which is so weird.

I'm talking about in real time, in real life, with real people.

I believe this to be most people, when you want somebody to like you desperately, even as a romantic partner.

Sometimes you come across, because you want it so badly, you have, there's tendency to not even act yourself and come across desperate.

And desperation is like the most unattractive.

Yeah.

Right.

So.

Especially in dating.

Oh, God.

And you lack the, again, it's like feels so disingenuous.

It feels so fake.

It feels so, like, nothing is more attractive than someone who has like a high self-esteem and confidence and like act as if.

Yeah.

Right.

And people want to be around that energy.

So that's the first heart.

That's the first hard truth is the more you try to make someone like you, the less it will happen.

The second hard truth is that usually that, that quality that you dislike in someone else is because you have it yourself, even if you're not consciously aware of it, right?

If you actually take a moment to do like some reflection or have some self-awareness, you'll see that it's because you have that in you a little bit that really irks and bothers you.

And so that's why that's the second hard truth.

And I know for myself, it's like, I guess it's called projection, right?

Like a lot of times we project on other people what we have ourselves.

And I've done this many times.

Again, I'm putting it out there because it's something that I think has happened to all of us.

We've done it at some point of our lives.

And if we can just like bring it to the surface and talk about it, I find it to be very interesting.

Have you ever done that?

Don't you believe that to be true?

No, I think it can be true, but I don't think it is just the truth.

Like, I don't think any trait that you dislike in someone else is something that you have in yourself.

Okay, so give me an example of what you think would be a trait, like for you.

Like, what would you dislike in somebody that you feel that you definitely don't have?

I have really good manners, especially when I go out to eat.

And I can't stand people who have really bad manners, who are not polite to the waiters or the wait staff, who are just kind of gross at the table.

Yeah, but you're picking on these things.

This is the, okay.

No, I can name a hundred other ones.

Okay, name another one.

I really just like people who lie, and I very rarely lie.

I don't like lying.

I think that that's like a really bad quality.

I would rather somebody let me down and disappoint me, but be honest, than try and just cover it up and lie.

I find that to be like a really frustrating.

That's okay.

I agree with that too.

I don't like people who are liars.

Okay.

But it's, I don't, no, no, I don't liars.

I don't like people who lie.

you could be a good person you're not a liar but you might be lying to me and because maybe i don't know there could be a hundred reasons why are you confrontational i can be confrontational it depends on like what it is okay well then maybe you're the anomaly because i believe no i don't think so i just think you are i think you are an anomaly there's nothing you dislike in other people that you don't have in yourself that's crazy i don't like people who complain i especially about like things that are that if you just get like a tiny bit of perspective you'd feel a lot better about i've traveled a lot and i've been to a lot of places with like literally nothing in the middle of like butt fuck South America.

And I've seen kids with like literally nothing.

So to me, when I hear people complain about stuff, I just get, especially like things that are so like, oh my God, oh, this food is bad.

Oh, oh, I'm so sorry, you're uncomfortable living at your parents' house.

Like, how unfortunate for you.

Every time I internally complain about anything, I just think to myself, what are you even doing?

Like, that's just crazy.

Like, how much you have.

So then maybe you have more perspective, but I believe overall, I guess what you're saying.

And I understand, like, the lying one for sure.

But I actually would say that.

Oh, or this is a a really good Okay, which one?

So I went to take a friend to a theater show for my friend the other day and um it obviously the it was like a one-man shows two one-man shows back to back and they were a little quirky a little bit weird and literally during the show she's turning to me and being like oh this is so weird how are they even doing this

like it's a small theater i don't care if other people can't hear it if you're putting out that kind of energy in a room while somebody is like pouring their heart and soul in this performance takes so much courage to get up on that stage to do whatever the hell it was that they were doing like don't talk about it negatively right now.

Don't talk to me.

Yeah, let's focus on this.

And I would never do that.

And that's something that other people do.

I understand what you're saying.

There are definitely

traits.

There are traits, but I think the key word here is usually.

But I just want to say four very quickly.

Yeah, but you're picking ones that are like, yeah, like people who don't, like, if I was to be honest with myself, I would say a lot of times what I don't like in a habit of somebody, a habit, I should say, is it's because I've done that.

I can see myself involved in doing that.

Like, what you're picking out are universal traits that are just unattractive, period.

Like, nobody likes liars.

Nobody likes assholes who are like rude to people in a restaurant.

Nobody likes, I mean, these are like universal things that, like, it doesn't make it that you necessarily have it.

It just means that universally, like, most people in the world are not going to like people who are rude, who are liars.

I mean, these are things that are pretty common.

I think what I'm referring to are usually things that are much more like personality traits that are maybe aren't so like vicious in those ways.

So give me an example.

An example would be flakiness or somebody who kind of is like non-passive aggressiveness.

I'm just making things up.

Are you passive aggressive?

I'm not because I'm not and I dislike people.

I'm passive aggressive, I don't think, but I think that I don't love confrontation.

And so I've been in situations where because I don't like confrontation, I will scurry away from something and then be annoyed and like frustrated and act on that.

So yeah, maybe I'm not like considered to be passive aggressive.

However, are there like elements of times when I have done it and I don't like it?

Yes.

What I'm saying to you is that like it's a difference between universally having like shitty qualities that most people have and then things that are like

or quirks or things that like I don't like in you because I see it in myself.

But passive aggressive is also universal.

I think universally people don't like passive

passive aggressive either.

Flakiness, I think, is also universally, which by the way, I actually am mildly flaky and I don't mind people who are flaky.

I find it actually endearing.

Oh, Oh, I don't find, if you think flakiness is endearing, not in a work setting, but in a real setting, I think that that means that someone's living in the moment, that they're present, they're doing whatever it is they're doing and they're not beholden to me, some random person in this universe that is not actually them in their life.

That's fair.

Let's move on to number three.

Okay.

I don't think you've actually established that

what I know, I think there's you, okay, so what my point is, universally there's things that are just unattractive qualities, period.

How about you guys that listening to this podcast?

Would you agree or disagree?

Do you believe that usually something that you're not like loving in someone else is because you have it in yourself somewhat?

And I'm not talking about things as broad and big as being a liar or being an asshole and being rude to people or being mean to people.

I'm talking about little things.

Maybe passive aggressive can fall into that too.

I don't know.

Some people don't mind passive aggressiveness as much as me.

I like disdain it, but I think it's because maybe I can be that way.

But what do you think at home?

Tell me.

And then number three is that you need a little friction to make a relationship work.

And the reason why I say that is because if you're disagreeable all the time, how do you like build something that has like a true foundation?

Like you need to have a little bit of like fight to like, to kind of grow.

That's my point.

Do you disagree with that one too?

That one I'm just medium on, but I agree with that.

Like in terms of what you just said, I definitely agree with.

It's the idea of if you want someone to be strong in their opinion, oftentimes giving them a little bit of pushback, like this is actually a classic survivor strategy on the show, where if you really want someone to do something and they've brought the idea up to you, instead of just like super agree, being very agreeable with it, give them a little pushback and have them plead their case even more to you because then they'll get stronger in their ideas.

So I see what you're saying.

You know what I mean?

And so that's manipulative.

Right, that's manipulate that.

But it's the idea of tactic.

But it's the idea of the friction developing a stronger hold in that person after.

I totally agree.

I totally agree.

Yeah.

And it's a great

tactic.

It's a manipulative tactic that's very, very good in business, by the way, which we could do a whole other podcast on.

That is good in business.

I never even thought thought about it.

It's a great, it's a right, it's a great business tactic.

What I'm talking about is much more about the idea that when you fight with somebody, because you have a disagreement, if you can work out that fight, it usually brings you closer and stronger as a unit, right?

Because you're going through resistance.

It's the idea of resistance that helps, you know, really kind of bond and build strength.

That's really what I'm talking about.

What you're talking about is that is more.

Well, no, I understand.

I I was just relating it to what you said at the beginning.

Yeah, but yeah, I hear you.

I think a little friction is good.

I think that there is just a fine line.

Like, I think when it gets too much, that's when it starts becoming.

Oh, yeah.

That's why I say like a little friction.

I think when people are just like very agreeable all the time with each other, it lacks some kind of like some stickiness in a way, you know?

And again, these are, these are all malleable, right?

So if you guys have any opinions, let me know.

But those are my three hard.

These are, how about this?

These are my three hard truths in relationships.

What are your three hard truths?

Wait, I actually really, can you, okay, next time we meet up, obviously it's going to be in a while, but just think about like when you're in a situation and you're sat there and you're annoyed with someone, think to yourself, do I do that also?

Yeah.

Because I'm so curious if there are ones that you actually

don't do as well yourself.

There's so many.

I'll tell you one that I think is interesting.

I really, I hate flakes.

I really do.

I think I really don't like that, but I've been a flake myself.

I don't love a good flake.

I don't.

I don't like it.

You know what I hate?

And I'm very much, I don't do this.

I mean what I say and I say what I mean.

If I say I'm going to do something, my word is really, really important.

And when people are lax on that, that drives me crazy.

I hate that.

Yeah.

But again, I think I've learned to be better at it and I've learned to be good at it.

I think probably at a time in my life, I wasn't.

And that's what's kind of like why it kind of like stings and bothers me to my core more.

So that's another thing.

Like I think that maybe you're not like this now, but maybe at a different phase of life, it it could be something that you were more like at some point.

I'm just, I'm just throwing it out there.

Well, there are all the things I dislike are things that I've definitely like, things that I dislike in other people are definitely things I try to make sure I don't do.

I will say that for sure.

That's definitely true.

Like, if I notice something, especially in a social setting, for example, I really try and be cognizant.

I think in life, you have so many years, right, to learn and improve and grow.

And like, I'd love to be just the best person I can be at all given times.

And that's just a constant evolving process.

So, whenever I pick up something, like if I'm in a social setting, for example, and I see someone do something that I'm really turned off by, or I just find, you know, it like, I don't know, makes me feel weird, then I think to myself, do I ever do that?

And if I do, definitely don't do that anymore.

And I, and I'm more cognizant of it because

it's like filming your sets, right?

Like when you film your set, you can improve.

So when you can see somebody else do something, that's something that you don't want to do, you can visually see how it's bad.

You don't have a camera on you 24-7 to see how you might want to improve yourself, but you can look at other people.

Right.

So I guess to kind of conclude this and bring it to its end.

To a conclusion.

Yeah.

To a conclusion, is being recognized and be cognizant of when you don't like something in someone.

Maybe have that reflective moment or that self-awareness moment where you're like, hmm, why don't I like that?

Is it because I have a little bit of it?

Like, why does it bother me so much?

Like, to me, the whole purpose of doing these solos and or everything in life, in my opinion, for me, is to see if I can like shed and glean light or knowledge from what it is.

So that's, that's the bottom line.

So next time that you see yourself doing that, see why it is, why it is that you have that reaction or you've that feeling and maybe, you know, kind of, you know, have that reflective moment.

And that's basically all.

Yes.

Oh, you know what else I hate?

Road rage.

Oh.

Can't stand road rage.

Yeah, I see.

I don't like it, but guess what?

I have it too sometimes.

Do you have it?

I live in L.A.

I i mean if you're telling me you have no road rage when you live in la i don't believe you but i just don't understand like why am i like can't hear you you know when people like yell i don't like they're like it's so frustrating but it's like as if that person is like literally hearing you like it's like i'll have i have friends who have full conversations with the car ahead of them like as if like they're okay which i get like you're trying to just get out your emotions and stuff but it also just cracks me up what i can't say is like when you know when you're like the road rage i think is really annoying I don't do this at all.

Like someone drives by or they're so annoyed by you because you did something like you didn't move fast enough or like when a green turn, you know, red turn red and they're like giving you the finger and like going ramp to your car.

It's like, why are you doing that?

Like I'm embarrassed for you.

You know, like, what are you doing?

Yeah, like

the odd, like, oh, that's so annoying is different than like, you know, the road rage.

They're like, fuck you.

I'm like, oh my God.

Like, they're like, they're like taking it to a whole other level.

Yeah.

It's like, dude, this wasn't a personal attack.

Like,

that's like crazy.

But again, it's like level, it's all degrees and everything's relative.

So I have mild road rage.

I don't do that, but you know.

You don't get out of your car and start knocking on their personal windows.

Swearing, you know, like swearing at the person or like drive right up to their window and start screaming at them.

No, I don't do that.

Anyway, so thank you.

And anything else to add?

I think that's good.

Perfect.

Don't have road rage.

Yeah.

Or try to manage your road rage if you live in LA.

All right, guys.

Thank you so much.

Talk to you soon.

Thank you so much for listening to this week's solo episode.

And if you like this, I know you will like, hopefully love my book, Bigger, Better, Bolder.

And why?

It's because it's time for you to start living the life you want and not just the life you get.

I not only help you answer the questions like, what do you want most in life and why don't you have it, but I also help you make it a reality.

The link is in the show notes for you to easily check it out now.

And thank you again for being here and spending time with me.

Now, go show up to your life and live a bit bolder today.