Building Confidence To Follow Your Dreams with Danielle Robay | EP 33

I have cried on my kitchen floor more times than I can count. When I moved here, all I wanted to do was work for E.
I did an audition. They flew me to New York, and I was at the tail end.
I was one of the last people they were auditioning, and I thought, this is it. I felt like I had it, and I got the call that I didn't get the job.
And I just bawled on the bed, and I thought, what was all of this for? That's when I decided I never wanted to have to be hired by anybody else ever again. Okay.
Welcome. I'm Alyssa Nobrega, your host of the Healing and Human Potential podcast.
A place for you to discover the multidimensionality of what it means to be human. Over the past 20 years, I've trained thousands of coaches in my methodology, leveraging my experience as a former psychotherapist, and I'm here to share with you all the wisdom and insights that I've learned along the way.
Each week, I'll share with you life-changing tools to support you in awakening and manifesting your dream life from the inside out. We'll be exploring the intersection between ancient wisdom and modern everyday life, really diving deep into the art of human potential through the lens of psychology, spirituality, and coaching.
Let's let the magic unfold. Today's episode is all about learning how to stand out in a crowded space, being the person that people feel comfortable opening up to, and creating confidence from the inside out.
So I am dropping in with Danielle Robay, who is a media powerhouse, a journalist, a podcast host, entrepreneur, and just overall badass. You want to make sure to stay to the end of this episode to hear some juicy and fun questions that we're both about to dive into.
It is so good. So yay.
I'm so happy that you are here. Alyssa, I've been waiting for this.
What a gift. Oh my gosh.
It happened. Thanks for having me.
I'm so happy. Well, I know when I immediately met you, I just loved you and I'm so happy to share you with my audience.
And I know that people, I know one of your gifts is being such a stand as such a voice for people. Like there's so much I'm going to share about you here on the podcast.
But one thing I know that you, you started as the youngest TV host in Chicago, super crowded space. Like most people are trying to get that spot, especially in Chicago.
You have a way of being able to stand out in a crowd. And I think you do it naturally, but I also imagine that there are certain ways that you've developed or skills that you've developed that people could utilize.
So if people are like, I want some of her magic, how do I stand out in a crowded space? Like what would you share with them? Thanks for seeing that in me. I just, before I answer your great question, um, I want to kind of share about how we met because we were at a friend's birthday and he introduced us and I forgot that anybody else at the party was there.
We dropped into a portal. It was just you and I for hours talking.
It was instant love affair. And every time that I'm with you, you teach me something, you expand me and you almost make me uncomfortable sometimes, which I love because very few people do that.
I think that you're vibrating on a different plane and I, I'm not quite there. I'm trying to, I oscillate.
I'm not yet. You are, you drop in with me each time.
Well, you get me there, which is why I'm so excited to spend this hour with you. So thank you for having me on.
Thank you. Um, but in terms of standing out in a crowd, you know, I have gotten to interview some of the most creative, successful, um, entrepreneurial, interesting people in the whole world.
Yeah. Um, presidential candidates, Mark Cuban, Michael B.
Jordan, Taylor Swift, like really I've, I've gotten to interview really interesting people. And the one thing that I have learned over the last 10 years and 3000 hours of professionally talking to people is that the most interesting thing is to be interested.
And so I think we often go into rooms and we think, what can I say to make myself stand out or what can I wear or what can I do? And it's so much pressure and it's actually so much easier than that. All you have to do is ask a question.
Yeah. And it doesn't always have to be the most insightful question either.
People just want to know that you're interested. Um, and they love talking about themselves, you know, it's humans.
It's the truth. Um, one of the questions I ask when I don't quite know how to enter a conversation is I'll say, if I'm just meeting someone, I'll say, Alyssa, I love that name.
Who named you? What's the story behind that? And one, I remember your name now. And two, it usually offers something really easy.
It's like an easy entry point, but something actually really deep because people start talking about their families and it's like, oh, it's a family name or it's a funny story. Like my name, Danielle, my mom, uh, like she just thought that the cutest girl in her high school was named Danielle.
And so she named me and then we start talking about my mom. Like, why were you named Alyssa? Yeah.
I, my mom from, I think kindergarten loved my brother's, um, somebody in his class, Alyssa. So would name me after her.
So, so similar. Yeah.
Yeah. So, um, I think it's an easy entry point.
It's beautiful. Yeah.
And you have this way of being really present with people that helps them feel seen and safe and you get them to open up vulnerably. How do you do that? Like, what are some of your hacks with that? Well, first of all, I try and make everyone cry on my podcast.
Do you? Is that a goal? I love that. I don't try, but I, um, I do.
It is. It's just a thing that happens.
I try to, I try to make people cry in like a session with me. Yeah, kind of.

Yeah, either I want them to have an insight and like a breakthrough that I want them to have a quick win,

or I want them to clear a big fear, forgive something that's been stuck in their heart.

Yeah, it's a similar intention.

Yeah.

I think that the vulnerability and presence part is I'm trying to give people something that I desire.

I feel like questions are a love language.

I do too.

You do?

Yeah.

Thank you. I'm trying to get more comfortable with silence.
Um, but in terms of questions, I think, you know, the Gottmans talk about bids for connection. And I think when you ask somebody a question, it is truly a bid for connection.
And so if they turn away from you, it feels painful because they're turning away your bid. And so I'm laughing because with my husband, he loves silence and I, we've done 18 silent retreats together.
Like I, we meet in the silence. Yeah.
Maybe more. We're going to do another one.
I love it. So, so does he, but I also love talking.
There's a different, there's also, and maybe that's more gender specific. I'm not sure, but you know, I'll tell him when I'm talking to him, I'm like, I feel like I'm throwing the football and it hits your chest and falls down.
You got to throw it back. Like it's like back and forth.
Whereas women, sometimes we can cut each other off and that's also still love language. Like we're in it together with each other.
Yes. And it's that presence.
That's what it is. It's saying, I would rather be here with you than anywhere else or with anybody else.
And I think as women, not to be so gender specific, but like we want our partners to make us feel special. And that's a, that's a desire.
That's a craving. And so for me, like presence makes me feel special and that's what I want to give everyone else.
That's beautiful. Yeah.
So that presence really helps people feel vulnerable. And do you, do you, and there are certain questions that I imagine you ask too, to drive into the heart space connection.
Well, one of my mentors was Barbara Walters. I never got to meet her, but I studied her career and read her book.
She's like a virtual mentor. And she always said that if you want to make someone cry, ask about their father, which I think is really interesting.
I don't know if that's true. I haven't tried it out.
I'm like, as a former psychotherapist, it's either parent for sure. Yeah.
Yeah. It's true.
She said for some reason, their father. Okay.
I think the question is different for everybody because it's about asking a few questions to get to the point where you understand who that person is. Yeah.
Are they a family person? Are they a friend person? What are they driven by? What are they interested in? But one of the tools that I use at work and in conversation is that I feel like I'm prepared to be amazed all the time. I love this.
I'm prepared to be amazed. People really amaze.
If you go in with that feeling, people like your Uber driver will amaze you. I met an Uber driver the other day that was a sound bath practitioner and I hired her and she did an amazing job, but it was like, she truly amazed me.
And I think that when you go in with that feeling, people do amaze you. It's like you're awake to the magic of life and you're looking for it.
And then it brings more out because of that. And then that's like the synergistic energy.
So I love this with each conversation, whether it be with a team or a client or on a podcast to really look and follow the magic, follow the aliveness. I like the word, I've never thought of it that way.
I like the words of follow the magic. I, I, one of my favorite quotes ever is roll dolls.
If you don't believe in the magic, those who don't believe in magic will never find it. And I think part of achieving anything is just like believing that you can.
Yeah. And so that goes for conversation too.
That's beautiful. That's beautiful.
And I, I know like I've seen you a host and I know that you speak and like you own the room, you have such a presence. Do you get nervous anymore or does it, do you have tools to work through? I'm so curious.
Cause I know there's a lot of people that want to have a voice. They want to be seen.
I also know there's this like push pull. So there's the foot on the gas.
I want to be seen. And then there's the foot on the brakes.
I'm scared of being seen, AKA rejected. And so I have both of those very human.
And it like, there's this push pull and I can speak to some of the inner things, which I'll share. Cause I think it would help people.
Cause I think a lot of people want to share, they want to be seen, especially on stage or just even if it's at a wedding speech, like to be able to enjoy the day without thinking about their speech the whole time. I literally got into public speaking because my brother's wife would ask me to give a speech.
And I was like, I don't want fear to hold me back in my life. So let me face this fear.
I tend to go towards one thing I'm scared of or do something totally new every year. And so I moved towards public speaking and I was able to feel the gut wrenching terror I had of being rejected.
It's terrifying. It is gut wrenching.
And yet most people don't know if you avoid it, it gets bigger. And so I let myself feel it somatically.
And I don't recommend people do this without a trained professional in case there's big T trauma or something comes up, but to presence the fear, usually in the gut, that's like the deepest work. It's near your Da Tian in Chinese medicine.
It's like under your two inches under your belly button, like core material is there. And to presence that, that clenching, that grip, that like core fear actually didn't take very long to move it through my body.
Huh? I wish I would have had those somatic tools. I've never tried that.
I just bullied my way through it. And that is one way to do it.
And that's like the, just do it and go for it. And this more masculine approach, which is really helpful.
And there's also a more graceful approach was kind of getting out of our own way, taking the foot off the brakes. And so I'll share a little bit more about that, but I would also love to hear, I'll share a little now, but I'd love to hear also kind of the practical things that you've done.
Cause I think both approaches are helpful. So change from the inside out.
So questioning the insecure thoughts that create the insecure feelings. Questioning the thoughts that create the feelings.
So my experience, you had me at questioning. I know, I know you and I love the questioning.
We're going to get there. So my experience is that there's this authentic confidence that is always here.
Okay. And we have insecure thoughts and insecure feelings that cloud the awareness of this authentic confidence.
and this confidence doesn't come and go, but the perception of it is clouded by the thoughts and fears. And so if we can question our thoughts, we can embrace the feeling, the part of us that's scared, not identify with that part and not to judge it.
Think of it like a little kid that's just looking for reassurance. And you can do that through the breath, somatically breathing into it.
You can say, okay, sweetheart, I see you. You're safe.
I've got, you don't need to be any different, like really mothering or parenting that part or questioning the belief. So those are some inner tools people can do.
And then it parts the clouds to feel this authentic confidence. So there is self-confidence that comes from your true self.
That's really interesting. Okay, so will you take me through it so I can understand it practically? Yeah, sure.
So I'm going to put myself, I remember I hosted something in Chicago at the Virgin Hotel. And it was one of my first big live speaking events.
And I was, I can remember, I feel the terror. Uh-huh.
Where do you feel it in your body? Right by my belly button. Okay.
Okay. So, so just get curious if you can bring your attention down into your belly button.
Okay. And just breathe it as a sensation, like of the story in the image.
And as if you were an alien just coming into earth right now for the first time feeling this.

Okay.

Breathe into the sensation of it, present moment, letting go of the past and the future,

and just see if you can allow it to be here as much as it wants to be here without judging it,

without trying to get rid of it, no agenda.

Just breathing in, saying, you're welcome as much as you want to be here,

and just giving it infinite space. It went away.
That's right. That's wild.
Yeah. And most people think they need to strategize or get all these, you know.
Talk themselves out of it. Or push through and then they burn out.
Which there is a gift for the push through. But first get out of our own way.
Breath is so powerful. Easy easy and letting go of this story.
And even an image is still a story. So letting go of the story all together, breathing acceptance into it somatically in your body, it moves through.
This works. It works instantly.
It's so good. It's so good.
Wow. And the other one that I really, you're welcome.
The other one that I really like, and this isn't mine, but it's, it's tapping. I don't know if you've heard of this.
You can tap on meridian points. I really like the one on the chest.
I specifically use that for public speaking. If I get scared, it, and anytime I feel dysregulated in my nervous system, if I want something quick, I think it's great.
I don't use it as a long-term behavioral change model, but just starting to tap on the chest right under the collarbones helps just with the breath kind of integrate that energy into my nervous system. It's great for speaking.
I like this. And also just focusing on how can I serve? Because if I'm focused on myself, then I get this, this self image and I get self-conscious and it's reverberating against this image.
And then I get nervous versus focusing in my heart and just thinking about how can I serve? It pulls me through because I'm not self-conscious. I'm not thinking about myself.
So you actually hit on something as a tool that I've used. Yeah.
Um, Mark Cuban, who I interviewed before changed my life because he said sales isn't about selling. It's about helping.
Serving. That's what I say.
Yes, exactly. And I thought to myself,

I've been so worried about, will they like me? Am I going to say the right thing?

And I had to flip the question actually, which was like, if I don't do this, I'm actually

impeding their time. I'm messing up everybody's energy in the room.
Like I'm actually doing a

Thank you. actually, which was like, if I don't do this, I'm actually impeding their time.
I'm messing up everybody's energy in the room. Like I'm actually doing a service if I do this the right way and I do this well.
That's right. And it shifted everything for me.
That's amazing. Yeah.
Selling a serving. A hundred percent.
Yeah. So focusing on them.
Yeah. Yeah.
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And so with some of like the outer hacks or tools, have you discovered anything for people? Now they've got some of the inner, you know, what, what would you share with them around kind of commanding a room or like embodying your presence or speaking from authenticity? Cause you do it so eloquently and so gracefully. This is one of yours, one of your, you have many, one of your skill sets.
And

I want to translate that to people that are interested. I think one of the tools is that I've been able to interview and hear brilliant other people do it for years.
And so just ingesting all of it, being around it, seeing people do it badly, seeing people do it well, doing it poorly myself, and then doing it hopefully better. So I think just watching YouTube videos can be the same thing.
Like if you look at somebody and you think, wow, they really command the room or they tell their stories so well, watch them, study them. Yeah.
And you'll notice if you watch YouTube that these people usually have three or four stories that they tell and they retell and they retell again. And so even though they're an incredible storyteller and a lot of people are, they're practiced.
That's really helpful to hear. They're not off the cuff.
The people that make it look like they're off the cuff are the most practiced usually I'm really practiced. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. That's really helpful to hear.
Cause I think people are comparing themselves without putting the time to practice it without really dialing. I'm not great at stories.
So storytelling is something I want to start practicing weekly because I'll tell the punchline and totally forget to set the whole thing up. I'm like, oh my God.
So my head also just doesn't think linearly like that. So having the practice really, and I think analogies and stories help land teaching.
Oh yeah. Yeah.
And I think people learn differently. I learn through stories.
Oh yeah. So it's really, I love storytellers because that's how I ingest information, you know, but some people learn through humor or, um, dance even, you know, like there's a lot of different ways to learn, but, um, it sounds like you're a kinesthetic story.
Yeah. I like stories, but I'm a kinesthetic learner.
What does that mean? So through doing through action. So you got to just tell us stories all day or dance it like dance would be more my language than English.
So literally the one class that I ever failed in my life was Spanish. Life has a friendly and a sense of humor because I married a Latin man from Mexico city.
So, you know, sign language, I was the only class in my life that I was the one that didn't study. And I got A's.
I just, it clicked. It made sense to me.
So physical, kinesthetic learning. And I wish I had actually learned when I was younger.
So I knew how I learned instead of waiting to college because I had all these stories about myself being dyslexic, ADHD, learning disability. It was like, no, I just didn't learn the way that the traditional public school learned.
Like I really had to heal and forgive all these stories I thought about what I was capable of through that. So I think that's where questions come in

again, because we all have these stories and we have to question them. Yes.
Um, and so one of the

things that I learned, I call it PSA, which was pre self-actualization because it was pre-therapy.

Um, I was asking people questions for a living and I never asked myself one question.

And once I started, I wrote a list because you know how people, they're like, oh, I want to meet Oprah. I want to meet Michael Jordan.
And it's like, what are you going to do when you meet them? What are you going to say? Right? Like we all clam up. And so before I really had the opportunity to start interviewing a lot of people, I wrote down a list of like 800 questions of things I wanted to ask because I wanted to be prepared.
And I, um, I started asking myself about five of those questions every day because I looked at that list and I thought I've never asked myself one. And I would say after about six months of doing that, and I didn't even journal the answers.
I just thought about them in my mind. I think I should have journaled the answers, but, um, I would ask myself these questions.
And after six months, I saw my life changed. This was like the flip in my entire life because one, I was more practiced at it.
Um, I was thinking about myself more in a good way. I was, um, I was learning about who I am and then outwardly people were drawn to me.
It was magnetism. Even my own parents who know me better than anybody, I could tell they were reacting to me differently because I was so interested in them and they felt so loved and thought of and cared for.
And I thought this is a superpower that absolutely anybody can tap into. It's not like being an NBA player.
Like I'm 5'1". That's never going to happen for me, no matter what I do to practice.
But everybody has the opportunity to ask questions. And so that's why I put the card game together because I thought everybody wants this.
They just don't know how. Yes.
And if you just practice that, practice it and gamify it, it works. Fun.
And we're going to get into those in a moment. It was so fun.
I love that you and I resonate so much with question everything. And I'll talk about that in a moment.
But I asked myself the same thing. I thought, I kept thinking I would love to meet Oprah.
Like when I was in fifth grade, I dressed up as my hero. She was still Oprah Winfrey, like the TV show host.
My teacher's like, why Oprah Winfrey? So it wasn't totally clear at that point for mainstream society. I put on my dad's jacket and I put a belt on.
So it was a little dress. You were so ahead of your time because that's so in fashion now.

I'm still, I'm catching up.

But she, so I was, I started looking at, because she's been such a hero and role model for me.

I was like, well, what would I want to have happen if, if I did meet her?

Like I started asking myself some of these questions and, and if you come to, and I said, I just want to feel seen and accepted.

Wow. asking myself some of these questions.
And, and if you come to, and I said, I just want to feel seen and accepted. And I'm like, Oh, I can offer that to myself.
And so I did offer that to myself. And then I did get to meet her.
And I, you know, they say, don't meet your heroes. That wasn't my experience at all there.
She was so present and so warm and lovely and literally just put me in her like arm in arm. She was like, so I've raised you.
I'm like, you have raised me because I've been watching her since fifth grade and there's a presence about it. And so it was helpful to have that experience.
But what I was really longing for, I gave myself before meeting her. And had you met her before you'd given that to yourself, I'm not sure you would have had the same experience.
I agree. I agree.
And so my experience of what I imagine happened with you is that you were insourcing your own nourishment and that becomes magnetic in career with lovers, with everyone wants more of that because you're tapped in, turned on, lit up on your own supply. Completely.
Yeah. And I think it's hard because sometimes you don't know what questions to ask yourself.
Like, where do you start? You know? Yeah. Yeah.
And I think it's, and I think most people look outside. So it's like, what is it that I want? What do I imagine that would give me? Can I absolutely know that it's not already here now? And I really think that the questions help open to silence, which is where the power is, not the answer.
So well said. Yeah, wait, say that again, because I think you hit on something that I'm not sure how to articulate it, but I think we're really like searching for answers.
Like what is my purpose and who am I meant to be with? Like these really big existential things. Yeah.
And it's actually that the power is in the question, like it's in the journey. Yeah.
The power's in the silence, the power's in the inquiry. So I think most of our society searches outward.
We search looking for, you know, some of us through looks, our weight or how we look, some of us in success, some of us in how much we help others in all these external ways, because that's what we're sold to by society. But, you know, the ego would try to sell us something that's already ours, that we already embody and know.
And when we're searching, we can't see it. You shared your favorite quote.
One of my favorite quotes is from St. Francis of Assisi.
He says, what you're looking for is what's looking what you're looking for is what's doing the looking so it's closer than we think and in the question it helps us pause to look at is it here before i go looking for it can i absolutely know that the nourishment the the success the fulfillment the peace, whatever it is, isn't already here before I go looking for it. So well said.

And then we wake up to it. And then we can still create goals, but consciously, not from a sense of lack, because the outer goal is never going to fill an inner perceptual problem.
Yep. So that's some of the psychological, spiritual questions.
See, this is what I'm talking about when I say you elevate me. It's so fun to be with you, to, to bounce back and forth.
It's such a gift. You, again, like you, I think bring out, there's a few people that I've sat with because you're, I guess, looking at the magic, you continue to bring out more of that in people.
Well, you got a lot of it. Thanks.
Yeah. You're one of the sparkly ones.
Thank you. So I would love, let's do a few cards actually now, if you're open.
So open. Although as I was driving over here, I was like, what question besides the ones that are in the cards do I want to ask Alyssa? And you were so gracious and came on my podcast.
Oh my gosh. It was so good.
Check it out. It's going viral on my Instagram right now.
It was crazy. It's got like 800 something thousand in a few days.
Well, I think it's because you had so much magic. You had so much to say.
Um, my mom called me and said it was her favorite episode, but, uh, so much of it was about love. Yes.
And so it got me thinking about this question, if you don't mind answering. Yeah, let's do it.
Who has been the person that has taught you the most about love? God, that's a good question. It's a hard one.
It's been, I did nine months of dating myself because I was in relationship three years at a time. I started getting itchy every time I hit three years.
And I even did this with my husband when we were dating. I was like, I could feel this like set point that I hit.
I'm like, we got to move. Something's got to change it.
We got really uncomfortable. And I, once I saw what was happening that I did this three year thing, I was like, oh, that's all that's happening.
I don't need to change anything. I just need to be with the uncomfortable sensation.
Wow. And you know, there's a woman that I had on the podcast named Gangaji, who is a spiritual teacher.
She, she didn't, and she didn't directly teach me about love. She, she helped me access myself along with other non-dual teachings.
That is the embodiment of what love is. And so in that nine months of dating myself, I really looked at what is love and discovering that I am the source of it.
So that period of time helped me unravel what I thought love was from society. So it was more of a removal process than adding and tapping into who I am at my core.
And I think every lover that I've had has helped give me a different flavor of, you know, a different sparkle of the diamond, even people that, you know, it didn't work out. Like I used all of it for my awakening, for my own freedom.
Yeah. I think sometimes the don't work out moments actually teach us the most.
That's right. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
And there's lessons in all of it, you know? And so having, I think, an orientation to how do I use this to support my own healing? I, you know, I used to be, I went to get licensed as a couples therapist. So I was working with a lot of couples and I think that was so that I could help my parents with their marriage.

And I also wanted to learn, you know, what is a good template? So I also looked for people that were happy, that were together for a long time. I found two couples.
They were older, but I was like, that's great. They were both therapists, but I was like, well, I'm a therapist.
So, but one of the intentions of this podcast is to share more nuggets around what I've learned to make it more mainstream, make it more accessible. I realized a few years ago that I had so many professional mentors, whether they were virtual or actually in my life.
And there was not one couple that I looked at romantically or romantic couple that I looked at that, um, I admired, like I had no mentors for a relationship. Yeah.
Um, I'm not sure I do yet even, um, but I, am I at least observing it and looking for them? Good. Um, yeah, I think I'm having, I think I have a little like commitment phobia that I'm working through.
That's a different podcast. I'm like, we can go there.
You know, and I think sometimes it's just, you know, a question because you like questions. You can sit with us.
Yeah. What do I fear would happen if I were in a committed relationship? I kind of fear that there would be no room for my full self.
Yeah. Yeah.
My therapist said to me that she feels like that's because, um, there was not, not a lot of room for my emotions in my family dynamic. And so showing up to a romantic partnership feels like there's no room for me and I'd rather be single and live my fullest as my fullest self.
Um, but I'm starting to crave that partnership in a way I haven't before. So I'm also wondering what that is.
Yeah. Well, it sounds like even just working with your therapist, you're starting to see that that may not be true.
Yeah. That maybe that was true when you were younger in that family system.
Yeah. But it's not like an ultimate truth then that you have to play.
So maybe if you're open, I would encourage to look for examples of couples that are also fully self-expressed. They're more self-expressed.
Well, you and your husband are. Oh, good.
Yeah. I feel that way.
When we got to have our dinner, I was like, they got it. Yeah.
Yeah. So it's good to have more of those examples because then it, it tells our unconscious it's possible for us too.
Yeah. Or if we feel ever, you know, that we can't have it, we just question it.
And then you're like, wow, I can be more self-expressed. Right.
In partnership. And maybe if there's a friendship too that you've had that way.
Yeah. To say, oh, there's more evidence.
Because as soon as we believe something, the mind finds the evidence for why that's true. And so we can flip the script and then mind will find evidence for why that's the other opposite is true.
It's not that intelligent. So we learn to use the mind rather than having it use us.
Yeah. Yeah.
Thank you for that. Yeah.
So beautiful. So you've had this, you know, you've interviewed so many celebrities.
I did not know you had Taylor Swift, all these other people. It's incredible.
Is there a behind the scenes moment in your career in journalism and, you know, entertainment journalism that you either was a bizarre moment or something that from the behind the scenes stands out that you want to share? I mean, I've had really bizarre moments because I worked in entertainment news. And so, you know, Hollywood's a weird place.
some of those I can't talk about. I've had some really beautiful moments.
I actually think a lot of actors in particular are really, really smart and they could have, I have so much respect for them. They could have done a lot of things with their lives.
They could have been lawyers, dentists, you know, anything.

And they decided that they wanted to commit to a really creative, uncertain path where they are picked apart all the time. And so I think I'm fascinated by them because they're simultaneously forced to be fully themselves.
Yeah. Like they're required to be so authentic and also required to do the exact opposite, which is play a totally different person.
Yeah. And so some of my conversations with them, um, stand out to me because I just find them to have so much heart.
Yeah. Um, like Meryl Streep, Al Pacino, um, they were so so kind to me I got to interview them when I was a little bit younger and greener and um Tom Hanks they're uh I found that the kind of the bigger the platform they have usually the kinder interesting they are it was the reality show stars or like the what would be called like D or z list celebrities that would kind of give me trouble interesting yeah yeah the maturity well i never understood if it was chicken or the egg uh-huh right like did they get to where they were because they were so expansive and understood how to play the game and were kind to people yeah or did not sure.
Interesting. Yeah.
Yeah. I think it's interesting with actors specifically that they can completely play a part and know that that's not them.
In some ways that's a lot about psychology and awakening spirituality. Oh yeah.
Actors are kind of like therapists. Yeah.
I could see that. I mean, there's a lot of overlap.
There's even drama therapy, right? So, you know, some of the work that you can do with playing the parts of these internal characters. I love the movie Inside Out.
And it's just like, I think I'm so glad that movies like that exist. But yeah, I think that there's a way that there's a separation with me and the personality, like who I really am and the role that I'm playing, which is really great.
Have you reflected on your, cause you are a creative person. Have you reflected on that projection, that positive projection or why you're, you know, drawn towards working with creatives and highlighting their magic too? It's so funny you asked me that because I, um, I'm doing a new podcast with hello sunshine and we had a guest on, um, named Chani Nicholas and she's like an astrologer.
Yeah. And she read our charts.
I have a co-host and she looked at me and she said, you are just totally run by creativity. You crave it.
You need it. You need to be in a room full of creative people.
And I actually never felt comfortable calling myself a creative because I'm a journalist or I'm an entrepreneur. And I never felt like I deserved that title because I looked at all these incredible creatives and I was like, I don't have that eye or I don't have.
And so I felt so excited to hear her say that. I'm trying to lean into that word more.
Yeah. But creative people inspire me because I aspire towards a creative life.
Yeah. I think about relationships creatively.
I think about sex creatively. I think about everything, aging.
You know, like I don't, I want to question it all. I don't want to just assume the norm.
Yeah. And so, um, when I'm around people like that, regardless of what their skillset is, I'm lit up.
I mean, even you in the beginning of the podcast talking about how you're looking for the magic, that's a creative way to live where it's not templated. You're fresh, present in the moment.
I mean, your jewelry, It's like the way you dress. Yeah, it's all from presence.
It's all from creativity. That's where creativity really comes from.
I'm also, I think, like the way I dress or whatever has been, like I've seen other people do it. And I pick up on things, right? I'm a good observer.
And so it's like, oh, I like how she did that. Or I like how he said that.
And, um, I had a mentor one time say that that's kind of what your twenties and thirties are for. And you pick up on things and then you really settle into who you are.
You decide what you want to keep, what you want to get rid of. And you decide who, like, what feels really good to you.
Try things on, see what works. Yeah.
Did you feel like you did that? Yeah. I think a lot of my twenties were looking for, you know, myself really thirties was where, where do, where's my place in the world? Where do I feel like I can make my mark? And then I'm in, I just turned, well, I didn't just, I'm 40.
Um, and honestly, this has been the best year of my life and I. No way.
It's been the best. And it feels like, and I'm claiming that this is the time where I'm just enjoying everything I've built, you know, in my marriage with my kids, with my career, with my clients, friends.
Like, I just want to enjoy everything that I've built. This is no longer about getting there.
It's just about enjoying here. Yeah.
I really, I see and appreciate that because the building part is, it requires a lot of sacrifice. Yeah.
And some people decide they don't want to do that. But I do feel like it's sort of like a tree, like you build roots when you're young and you see the fruit when you're a little bit older.
Yeah, yeah. And, you know, I'm going to have my mom on the podcast, but just talking about aging with grapes, like having more examples of people where their life gets better, I think I want to see more of that.
And she's such an example for me and I want to share her with others. That's cool.
Yeah. And I know, like, we've talked about your relationship with your mom.
So that's a really big thing for you to do. Yeah.
We're going to share about our healing journey. That's all the details.
Yeah. Mom, mother's day.
I'm sure that there's been certain things that you've overcome in your career, right? This is not always like we have the goal and then it happens. Like, is there, is let me let me take a somatic breath, right? Cause it's like also to, to stay committed to your vision, to what you wanted to create, not necessarily fit into what, I don't know what your parents wanted or what you thought you should do, but just to really follow your heart and stay true and authentic to, to say yes to your own creative life and the way you wanted to build your career.
Was there a setback or a challenge that you overcame that shaped you and how you are today? Yeah, there's been a few. Um, I appreciate you seeing that in me because as I am reflecting a lot, I'm 33.
I started really reflecting on, um, like all the moments of my twenties and early thirties leading up to this. And I, they were really hard.
Yeah. You know, there was a lot of joy and I traveled and I'm, I'm grateful for all the good moments, but I have cried on my kitchen floor more times than I can count.
And I'm just grateful I never put those moments on Instagram. But I always wanted to be like Barbara Walters or Juliana Rancic.
And when I moved here, all I wanted to do was work for E. That's what I grew up watching.
And I did an audition, I think like years ago and um they flew me to New York and I was like at the tail end I was like one of the last people they were auditioning and I thought this is it yeah like it didn't work I'd gone in a few times and it didn't work and I thought I'm finally old enough I'm seasoned enough like it feels right I I felt like I had it and I got the call that I didn't get the job. And I was in this hotel room in New York and I just bawled on the bed.
And I thought like, what was all of this for? I hadn't gone to a lot of my friends' birthday parties and bachelorettes and all the things that I had to miss because I was so dedicated to this job. And that's when I decided I never wanted to have to be hired by anybody else ever again.
Okay. And, um, I let myself cry and got it out.
And that's when I decided I was going to start pretty smart, which is my podcast, my brand, the Question Everything card deck is under it. And it's not perfect.
It's not easy. It's not a multimillion dollar brand.
But it has given me self-confidence and equity in something. and it shifted my whole perspective and how I walk into any other audition or room.

I stand taller because of it. And I know that I have something to fall back on.
Like I own that. Um, and so I think that was a real defining moment because when you aspire to be a journalist, you always feel like you're going to have to work for somebody else, a newspaper, a news outlet, a brand, something.
And I had one foot in traditional and one foot in digital and the world was changing. And it was like, you either adapt and move with it.
And that's kind of the course that was happier for me or you don't and um I followed my heart as you said and built something and I think that I only got this job at hello sunshine recently because of all the things that I had built in the women's space yeah and I had to show people how I wanted them to see me um because before I was the red carpet girl I was the entertainment girl and And no one was really taking me that seriously, to see me. Um, cause before I was the red carpet girl, I was the entertainment girl and, um, no one was really taking me that seriously to be honest.
Yeah. Well, I love that you said, I let myself cry.
And then you did something about it. Like you had your human moment and you're like, okay, now what, you know? And I asked my kids, it's like, what are your choices? What are you choosing? So it's like, yes, have the, have the grief or whatever the human emotion is.
And then how do I use this? And you really were like, I want an outlet to share my gifts regularly. And you did.
And Pretty Smart's amazing. What a gift that you continue to honor that.
And then other doors open from that. Well, I realized too, I would look on Instagram and I wanted to be in these rooms full of women.
I wanted to be at the makers conference and at the UN summit. And I didn't really care about being at the Grammys or the Oscars the way some of my peers did.
Right. And I thought, why am I trying to fit into this box that I think I have to be in? Let me step into the place that my heart is leading me.
And unfortunately, nobody is ever really just going to like pluck you and throw you into those spaces. And I learned I had to kind of create that.
And you feel more empowered because of it. Way better.
I'm way more myself. I get to dress.
I don't have to dress like a news anchor. I get to wear my sneakers and my jewelry.
I just feel way more me. That's beautiful.
Yeah. And in some ways that's probably why you're hired by Hello Sunshine and people that you want to be hired by because you are being authentic.
But it was only because I got rejected. Yeah.
And I got rejected so hard. Yeah.
Well, the fact that they called you back means that you were in the top selection. Yeah.
But it was a dream, I hear. That was a crumble.
I had to put it to bed. But you know what's so funny is I ended up working for E! later.
And it was in a show that did fit me. Life has a way, doesn't it? Even when we can't see it at the time.
Yeah. There's a way that things unfold.
Yeah. I cried when I got the job and the woman who hired me was like, it's just an entertainment show.
Like, why are you crying? And I was like, you don't know what this means to me. Oh, it's beautiful.
Yeah. The other thing I want to ask you about before we do our cards is controversial topics.
Like you have a way of being able to navigate some of these conversations with so much grace. And you were such a stand for diverse conversations and like really giving people a mic to speak their truth and be seen and highlighted and have a voice.
So thank you for that. I can't tell you how much that means to me.
I see that. Thank you so much.
That's just one of my favorite things about your brand. Thank you.
Yeah. I mean, I think it's really obvious.
and thank you for doing that. I can't tell you how much that means to me.
Thank you so much. That's just one of my favorite things about your brand.
Thank you. Yeah.
It's, I mean, I think it's really obvious

and thank you for doing that. It's important to me.
And, and I think we need more of that in the world. How do you recommend people that want to be able to support more grace with controversial topics? Yeah.
Um, I think the first thing is that I am, we all have our own identities. Um, I'm a woman, I'm an American, I'm Jewish, I'm a daughter.
Like we can list out all of these things that I am or that you are. Um, but for me, I am a citizen of the world first.
And I, I feel like all those identity points, um, they're interesting to me and I love asking people about their differences and our differences. But, um, really I ask questions because I want to show case that we are all more the same than we are different.
Yeah. And so I feel that in my bones, like in my spirit.
And I think every great interviewer has kind of like that, uh, formative question or something they're trying to prove. Like Barbara Walters, it was always that there was, uh, an answer behind the answer.
She always pressed, like she was like, there was something more there. And Oprah, I think it was more spiritual.
And for me, it is that we are really all the same. And so I kind of ask questions so they don't become prejudices, I think.
And in terms of navigating hard conversations, I'm going to sound repetitive, but ask questions because I think we all pretend to know things. And we even think we, I sometimes think I know things and then I'm shocked and surprised at the fact that I don't.
And so I really try to come from a place of not making any assumptions and just being genuinely curious and sincere. And I think people are not offended when you come from that sincere place.
Yeah. You're living in the question.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. I really mean it.
Um, but also diversity for diversity sake is, um, like overdone and it's like, it doesn't mean anything. I feel like my friendships or work has like the diverse voices in my life have added so much.
I'm a way better person for all of these people that have poured into me. And so I actually feel badly for people who don't have that or don't seek it.
Yeah. Yeah.
Or just have their blinders on and they're stuck in their identity or their own biases about what certain types of people are. Yeah.
It's a really, I think, lonely life to live in the head in our own judgments and biases. I think, and I think you and I really resonate with question everything, which for me, and you know, I'll share, cause this is the, your card deck question.
Everything is amazing. And for me, this is a spiritual practice.
So since I was a kid, my spiritual practice has been to question everything, to live in the unknown, to wake up out of our cultural conditioning. And like that, the I don't know mind is incredibly freeing when the ego doesn't project fear into the future, the perceived future, I should say, is completely freeing.
And like what I hear for you is also it leads to more magic. It leads to a life of curiosity and connection.
Yeah. And these cards I love, I'm going to bring them on my team retreat.
I'm taking my team to Bali and I'm going to bring them to Bali. I'm sorry.
We have to back up. You're taking your team to Bali? Yeah.
Can I be on your team for that week?

I'm going to take half of my team to Bali and then the other half of we're going to do an event in LA.

I think at some point this year.

I haven't announced anything.

I'd like to be on the Bali team.

Yeah, yeah.

Some of them live out there, which makes it convenient.

My favorite place.

I literally manifested my CEO when I was in Bali. And I didn't get specific enough to say not to live in Bali.
That's okay. I'll take her anywhere in the world.
It's so grateful for her. And, but, um, this, I'm going to bring this with my, to, to like drop in with my team.
You can do this with your family, with friends, just to go deeper into it. So I'm going to pull some cards.
I know there's 52 of them. Are you down you down? I'm so down.
Okay. Let's do this.
I, I rare, I usually ask the questions, so it's rare that I answer them. So I'm excited.
Okay, good. Okay.
So let's do this. So what would your younger you not believe about your life today? Younger me would not believe that my life is so imperfect.
Um, yeah. And in the best way.
Yeah. I really have always been like a type A person who, like if you asked eighth grade friends of mine, they'd be like, oh yeah, like Danielle always had it together.
She had it figured out. And I think that was such a mirage.
Right? Yes. Yeah.
Um, and now I'm like, I am so imperfect. My life is so imperfect and you're happy and I'm so happy.
Yeah. I stopped judging myself.
That's beautiful. How about you? What a gift.
You know, I just want, I don't know if you know this, so this is an, this is an intervention with therapy. So oftentimes there's younger parts of us that are stuck in the past.
So if you ever feel like when I was a couples therapist, a lot of people would, I never wanted to work with kids. And then I worked with couples and I'm like, oh, you reverted your five-year-old self.
I'm like, okay, I can teach you how to reparent yourself. But people get stuck.
Like our developmental emotional patterns get stuck in the past, innocent, right? We all have this. So you might even have like a question like, how old is this part of me? And when you tune in and ask a part that is younger, it might say that I'm, I'm like 12 or whatnot.
And then one of the interventions is to ask this part of you if it would like to see your current day life

and to have them come along with you to live in your current day life. So they're not stuck in

the past because often it's like, wow, life is so much better than I thought it would be.

And so it can be a really healing intervention. I don't know if you knew that.

I didn't.

So just for a hack for people, they can go back and really ask this, whatever part comes up, like, do you want to see what life looks like now?

And there's like, you know, because the mind projects fear into the future as a way.

It's a safety protection mechanism.

So as a way to help relieve it from any of the worry and stress is to do that.

Whoa.

Yeah.

Kind of cool.

Very cool.

Wait, before you have to answer.

I know, but I'm going to ask you a few of them.

I'll answer some of them. So what's the weirdest thing you've ever done in a car? Your question.
I can't tell you all this. Okay.
I was driving to a red carpet one time and I can't believe I'm admitting this on camera. I was driving to a red carpet one time, but it is the truth.
And, uh, I, there was nowhere for me to go to the bathroom. And so I had to take a water bottle and pee in my car.
My husband invites me to do this all the time. As if I'm a guy that it's really convenient to do.
It's so inconvenient. It's way weirder when you're a girl.
You got your dress. You had your dress on.
I have dress on oh girl I have a lot of respect for you I love that you did that no I totally thank you for your honesty for sharing with us okay a few more um what should be required reading oh for every human that's hard for me because books totally changed my life I want to hear I want to hear. Yeah.
I think Baseline, The Four Agreements, is a really easy read. Yeah.
It's really approachable and it's mind shifting. Oprah's, what I know for sure, is probably the biggest one that comes to mind for me.
I will, it's kind of like an anthology. And so now, uh, if I feel anything that I'm uncomfortable about, I'll like flip through the chapters and pick a word that I resonate with that night and just read that one chapter and close it.
It's, it's a really great book. Yeah.
Um, and then I'd have to say women's memoirs. About five years ago, I was going through a phase in my life where I was really the most sad I had ever been.
I was almost like acutely depressed. And I was in therapy, but like it didn't really help.
I was trying to train for a triathlon to train out my sadness and that didn't really help. And the only reprieve I found was through reading other women's stories.
Oh, wow. Um, it was like an escapism a little bit, but also that like, I'm not alone.
Yeah. Um, and so just reading other women's stories, good, bad, funny, really helped me.

That's beautiful. That's beautiful.
And I wonder if also it was a holistic approach, going to therapy, moving your body and getting connection and learning from others. Probably.
Yeah, that's beautiful. Okay.
So tell me something about yourself that sounds made up, but is a hundred percent true. This is the entertainment reporter in me.
Okay. Chris Brown blocks me on Instagram.

Oh.

Don't know why.

I've never met him. but is 100% true? This is the entertainment reporter in me.
Okay, Chris Brown blocks me on Instagram.

Oh.

Don't know why.

I've never met him.

I don't know how he found me to block me.

What else sounds made up?

But I mean, that's a bad answer.

No.

Maybe he feels self-conscious that you would interview him

and find information.

No.

I sort of feel like it's like a feminist badge of honor that he loves me okay i don't know um okay wait what sounds made up but is 100 true that's a hard question yeah we can just give it okay okay we'll do one more when you when have you felt closest to magic in your life this is full circle i love I love that. I'm so glad you pulled that one.
When have you felt closest to magic? I'll go what you think. Okay.
When I am in the moment, I feel the magic regardless. So out of my mind into the moment, I think traveling helps people do that.
For me, I love coaching. I love being on stage and facilitating.
I love, I love embodiment work. Like I feel really alive doing all of those things.
I love that you're associating magic with aliveness and vitality. That's what that means to you.
That's right. Yeah.
That's really cool. I didn't realize that there would be anything other than that.
Yeah.

I think, this is so corny, but I really love my relationship with my dad. And I feel like he brings me magic.
Like we, when we FaceTime, we laugh so hard. And I just, he, see, Barbara Walters is right, I'm going to cry.
It is my dad. He has this amazing way of, of knowing what's important in life.
He would always say to me that like the best things in life are free. It's going for a run, a drink of water and a good laugh.
And he doesn't care about things. He just cares about people and like the moment and the good stuff.
Yeah. And, um, I see a lot of my friends and I think like they're caught up in the stuff of life, the material stuff.
And I'm so grateful for him because he's the only reason I'm not. Yeah.
He knows the good stuff. Yeah.
He's grounded in reality. Yeah.
He like really knows how to have fun, you know? What a beautiful testament, your love for him. Yeah.
And the teacher that he is. Thanks for that moment.
Yeah. Maybe you want to bring him on your podcast.
My mom might be jealous. I've thought about it.
Let's do a family therapy one. I know.
He also like, um, he's like, he's like, I'm not coming to anything. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
He's so wise. That's beautiful.
Bless all the conscious fathers and men in the world. Yeah.
It's so big for us. Yeah.
I just love you so much. Thank thank you for being on here thank you for just opening your heart and inviting us into deeper conversation with your gifts and your presence and I know my audience is going to want to listen to your podcast and know everything that you're up to share with them where they can find you um everything is Danielle Robay at Danielle Robay R-O-B-A-Y.
But I have to tell you, Alyssa, I, um, I have never felt more myself on somebody else's podcast. And, um, I see the gift and the magic that you give everybody else because I just felt it.
Um, and so thank you. Uh, you have this really unique way of making everyone around you feel like they are enough.
Uh, and we walk around in the world, not feeling that. That is my deepest calling is to help people feel their inherent worth and value.
You make me feel that. I am so, that is the greatest compliment.
I'm so grateful. Thank you.
I love you, sister. I love you.
Thank you so much for doing this work that changes the world starting with yourself. It truly does make a difference.
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