How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85

Everything's great and we're married, but we don't have great sex.

But sex is not a but.

Sex is not an afterthought.

Sex is wellness.

And your pleasure is important and you have to prioritize it from the jump.

I don't think enough people talk about the power of sex as a somatic practice.

I think that sex can be so healing for so many people.

There is so much release that can happen when you feel safe because you actually can't fully access pleasure if you're living in an activated trauma state.

There's so much judgment around women standing up for their own pleasure.

And it's because we have to undo decades of cultural conditioning that tells women it's not okay to be sexual, that their sexuality is something to be shamed of, to be hidden.

Sex is messy.

If we can take our tears or our so-called mess and celebrate that as like, wow, this is like true sexual expression, that's another way to really reverse the shame and turn it into pleasure.

Another big question that I know people have.

Everything's great in terms of the relationship, but they're not sexually attracted to them.

Can you build that chemistry or does that mean you're not compatible?

Yeah, wow, this is the conundrum.

I mean,

what if sex wasn't just something that we do, but it's a vital part of our healing and wellness?

In today's episode, we're diving into sex, pleasure, and embodiment.

We'll specifically explore how to shift from performative sex to empowered, connected pleasure, how to navigate desire in long-term relationships, and why so many couples struggle to really openly talk about what it is they want.

Our guest today is the incredible Dr.

Emily Morris, a sex therapist, author, and host of the number one sexuality podcast, Sex with Emily.

She's known for breaking taboos with heart, humor, and clarity, and she's here to help us bring more confidence, curiosity, and compassion into our sex lives.

This is a fun one.

Emily, I'm so happy that you're here.

I'm so excited to be here.

Oh my goodness.

I just want to start off by acknowledging you because you talk about sex so boldly and transparently and authentically online.

I think it's so important.

And I'm curious about why you think female pleasure is misunderstood.

There's so much shame about it, especially with women watching porn or using vibrators.

Can you talk to us about all of this?

Yes, it's such a good question because if you think about it, there's so much judgment around women standing up for their own pleasure.

Like a woman wants to watch porn or, you know, yeah, buy a vibrator or even talk about sex.

We have immediate judgment.

And it's because of all this, like we'd have to undo like decades of cultural conditioning that tells women it's not okay to be sexual, that their sexuality is something to be shamed of, to be hidden, to be for somebody else's pleasure and to be sort of a side thought or an afterthought.

And so it's really comes back to like religion and society and not having a lot of information.

I really think that's, that's what it's all about.

It's about the cultural conditioning and judgments around women being sexual i think that's that's really that's really what it is it's a lot of shame yeah and i feel like the more we talk about it the less we have that shame yeah exactly that's why i keep showing up i think the more we talk about people like i was speaking this week somewhere and people said how did you get so comfortable and i was like i did not come out of the womb being like did you know the clitoris has 12 000 nerve endings you know it's like i didn't grow up in an environment where it's comfortable talking about sex but i think one of the magics and why i'll keep coming back you know my 20th year is because it is the kind of thing when you hang out with sex positive people or you listen to sex positive voices, whether you listen to sex with Emily or you look at things online or read books, the more you talk about it, you realize, like, oh, yeah, it really just is wellness.

Like, sex is wellness.

And women can talk about all these other things that they're doing for their wellness.

They're taking these supplements, these vitamins, a skincare routine, they're exercising, they're doing all these things.

And we're like following them and we're following along.

Meanwhile, I'm on Instagram talking about women empowering things for women to really take charge of their own pleasure and I get shadowbound, right?

Like we can't talk about it still.

And so, again, that's happening today.

Like, I'm saying we have to undo cultures of it, but it's really.

you know, I still have to face it every single day of my life that I'm talking about something that is still taboo and shameful.

Yeah, and I think it makes it even more important that you do.

And I love that you talk about sexual IQ and that there are five pillars to that.

Yes, talk to us about this specifically and talk to us about how we can think of sexuality and our sexual practices as part of our wellness routine.

Okay.

So, sexual intelligence or sex IQ is really something that came to me when I was, I was writing my last book, Smart Sex, and it's called Smart Sex, How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure.

But it was only when I was writing it that it occurred to me that, listen, you know, people talk about their writing or they're thinking they have a download.

I was always sort of envious of those people.

I was like, you had to download your whole book just downloaded and you wrote it like from the universe.

Well, this actually happened to me with the five pillars because I was thinking that after all these years, when it comes to sex, because it's still shameful, taboo, and shrouded mystery, and it's the kind of thing where people think about sex and they're like, give me the quick tip, trick, or technique, and then I'll be on my way.

Like, I want a quick fix for whatever's wrong.

I can't have an orgasm.

I'm no longer turned out by my partner.

Something's wrong with my penis.

Give me one tip and then I'm out.

But the truth is that sex is wellness.

Pleasure is wellness.

And so the five pillars of sexual IQ or sexual intelligence really came to me because it really is a multi-layered approach.

You have to think about your overall health and wellness and self-confidence.

So the pillars break down this way.

The first one is embodiment.

And that's, are we in our bodies during sex?

Are we disassociating, thinking about the laundry, thinking about our bodies, thinking about our kids, thinking if we're pleasing our partner enough?

And so that's really, we know what it's like to be in embodied.

It is presence.

Am I in my body?

Am I actually feeling it?

Am I connected to my partner?

And so that's the first thing we got to check.

And, you know, I gave a lot of tips for that, as does your entire podcast, but that's just a big part of it and your body work.

the second one is health and that is our mental health and our physical health and so we have to look at are we taking any medications that might be impacting our sexuality people are often surprised to hear that the birth control pill antidepressants blood thinners all these things impact our ability to orgasm arousal not to mention i call them the pleasure thieves but stress trauma and shame these things are very heady and headies too especially shame those get in the way our physical health blood flow are we exercising Are we moving our bodies?

If we are not, that's gonna impact our arousal, our ability to get erections, have blood flow, to have orgasms, the foods we're eating, hormones, those are all the second pillar of health.

The third pillar is collaboration.

And this is a big one.

This is all about like, okay, so I wanna be having better sex, but have I actually talked to my partner about it?

How well am I collaborating?

How well do I understand polarity, sexual polarities, right?

The masculine and the feminine.

How well am I just even, I always say communication is a lubrication.

Do I feel comfortable asking for what I want?

So am I collaborating with my partner?

That's a third pillar.

And then we get into self-knowledge.

How well do I know myself as a sexual being?

Do I actually know what I like, what my turn-ons are, and what my requirement is to be aroused?

And if so, you know, am I speaking that?

Am I talking about that?

Am I sharing that?

And then the final one is self-acceptance.

And that's all about, you know, our confidence and accepting our bodies and our experience as it is today in this moment.

Are we accepting it so we can fully be present with our pleasure?

That's beautiful.

And it's really helpful to see and hear the pillars because then we can kind of do an assessment around where we are out of alignment.

I think sexual shame is big.

I think also through religious conditioning.

Is there anything specific around that that you found helpful for people?

Yeah, absolutely.

I would say that of the pleasure thieves, that shame is probably the most destructive, but also the most insidious we don't really see all the ways that shame is sort of creeping into our lives and a lot of it is cultural conditioning and i think for shame first we have to think when we hear that voice in our head and shame kind of sounds like you shouldn't be doing this you know my body you know i shouldn't be sexual anymore i'm not sexy i don't feel good in my body what's my partner thinking am i actually pleasing them is my sex more performative you know it's all those judgments it's the negative self-talk and then we can look at that voice and say, where is that coming from?

Is that actually

my thoughts?

Has that been implanted in my brain by somebody else somewhere else at another time?

And if so, can I replace that voice with a more positive, sex positive message or affirmation?

You know, my body is deserving of pleasure.

Pleasure is my birthright.

And so, I mean, that's one way to undo the shame, notice where it's coming from, and then like replace it.

And again, we don't rid ourselves ourselves of shame.

We manage our shame.

I don't know that you ever fully release it because voices come into our head a lot.

I mean, maybe I guess I always want to, I guess it's a process.

Let's just say that.

We know this.

So I think another way is to surround yourself, like I said, with sex positive voices and people that support you and that aren't judging you and that people who, you know, find partners who also have a growth mindset around sex and who are on the sexual journey with you.

Sex is an exploration.

It is a journey, not a destination.

And so that's another way is when you're with somebody who's supporting you and going along with you.

And then also just, yeah, I think that those are some ways to do it, just rewiring your conditioning.

I'm even thinking about reading books, listening to podcasts, like, because for me, being in a community of women who are fully sexually expressed and feel safe and celebrated, and there's not this like women competing with each other, it was extremely healing for me.

And also just having men say in a conscious community saying, if I were to say no to anything, people saying, thank you for taking care of yourself.

It's so counter to conditioning.

So community really can support that.

It's a big part of it.

Surrounding yourself with the community, the voices, the pot following sex positive voices, the podcast, all of that.

And yes, I mean, we were so lucky that we are in a positive community where we are in the world and where we live.

And we're so grateful.

I am so grateful, but we still have a long way to go.

So when I say like, we probably don't, I don't have a lot of sexual shame.

I have shame maybe about other things sometimes, but but yeah, I mean, that's, it is such a beautiful community.

It's like, thank you to be with, to fully be with partners who support us in our sexuality and who want us to have pleasure.

We are so lucky for that.

And I want people to know that that is accessible for you too.

We don't have to live in that shame.

Yeah, because you can get into communities through your communities or other communities that are being created online and also offline.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

I have a community I started last year.

It's called Smart SX.

And it's, it's this, from the Sex with Emily community.

And it's people all over the world that we come together, you know, once a week.

I bring in like coaches and other sex positive voices just to help people realize like you are in community and it's amazing that people open up and supported each other.

And right now we are working through all the pillars so people can really kind of get a handle on them, manage them.

And one more thing I want to say about sexual intelligence, which is why it's tricky.

It's more of like the pillars are created so we can become our own sex experts and we can troubleshoot.

You might have a week where you're really high in embodiment.

Like I was feeling really embodied, but actually I've been holding this grudge against my partner and I haven't been a great collaborator.

So, really, it's more of a way-like, I don't think you ever get to 100% on all five in every day of your life, just like health.

Like, you have some weeks you work out more, but you haven't been hydrated enough.

So, that's the thing about the pillars: it's just a way to look at them so you can kind of navigate yourself through whatever your sexual challenges are and your goals.

And I love that embodiment is one of them.

And having worked as a somatic psychotherapist, I don't think enough people talk about the power of sex as a somatic practice, especially in a safe context.

What are your thoughts about using sex as a healing practice?

And can you share with us anything about the somatic work that's actually happening through sexuality?

Oh, yeah.

I mean, I think that sex can be so healing for so many people when you think about it.

It's a release, it's connection, it's intimacy, it's touch, it's learning to feel safe in your body with a trusted partner or partners.

And so, there is so much release that can happen when you actually feel safe and you're you're able to advocate for yourself, ask for what you want, really like be present with your pleasure.

And that's when the amazing release happens because so much of that's holding us back from pleasure, like we, you actually can't fully access pleasure if you're living in an activated trauma state or if your nervous system is highly dysregulated.

It really, they just, they don't.

you know, they cancel each other out.

They can't coexist.

And so healing when you are with someone or even with yourself, I I mean, I've done so much healing on my own through my own like solo sex practices.

When I was first like starting out, I realized like I had a lot of these things that I talk about and just through my own power of touch and having sensual touch without the goal of orgasm, but the goal of exploration was so healing.

And, you know, things come up and, you know, memories and, you know, it's so great to work through it with a coach or a practitioner or a trauma therapist.

But when we do that work, sex can be incredibly, incredibly healing.

And it's accessible for everybody, even people who have had sexual trauma.

You know, people who have had sexual trauma, sometimes they think like sex is just isn't accessible for them.

But even, you know, sometimes they've even, with a trusted practitioner, they've been able to make it sort of work for them.

Even if they've had horrific traumas in their life, they can actually even work it into their erotic stories or, you know, there's just.

it's endless.

And that's the thing when people talk about their sex lives getting boring or stale or, you know, and that happens to everybody.

I'm going to tell you that.

I would say that I don't like saying everybody, I would say the majority of people are going to experience that.

But when you think of sex as really a healing practice and an embodiment practice, it's just, it's endless because every day you're starting anew.

Every time you sit down, it's a new practice.

Yeah.

And can you speak to just to help normalize people crying after sex?

So sometimes there's just no story, but there's just that release.

And I think some people have shame about that or they're confused about it.

Can you talk to us about that?

Apologize.

Like another way that women are like, I'm sorry, I'm crying.

I'm sorry.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, it's because everything lives in our body, every emotion, every experience, every trauma, everything.

And so sometimes it's really not your body saying, like, I am sad, I am happy.

It's just an actual release because when we are having a release of an orgasm or we're having all this like spiking cortisol, oxytocin, testosterone, you know, there's so much happening with our hormones at any time that when we are in the state of connection with somebody, we might cry, we might moan, we might, and so it's a completely normal experience.

I think, I mean, actually, like there's been a lot of times I've cried after sex and I've learned to like love it.

Like I'm like, oh, God, I'm fully in the moment in an experience of connection and healing.

So I think for so much of these things that we about sex that we judge and we shame and we feel bad about, that if we could just say, wow, this is part of the experience, like I celebrate it.

I celebrate it all.

Like sex is messy and it's loud and it can be dirty and it can be so many things.

But again,

because it's not normalized, because we don't see a lot of examples in the media or anywhere of what a healthy, normal sexual expression is, we immediately go to judgment.

We immediately think something's wrong and I am broken.

But if we can take our tears or our so-called mess or our feelings of brokenness and celebrate that as like, wow, this is like true sexual expression.

I mean, then I think that that's another way to really reverse the shame and turn it into pleasure.

And part of somatic healing is to allow the sensations that come up and not create so much story about them, just to have a place that's safe to accept it fully.

And so, trust the body.

If people are listening, like, trust the body, the sound, the movements, the tears, the laughter, anything that wants to come up, let it come up and out and get out of the mind thinking about it.

Because the moment we start thinking about it, we interrupt the natural flow of it wanting to just find its own homeostasis and harmony.

So, I'm a big fan of using sexuality and sex as a way to help somatically heal.

Yes.

And I know that libido changes are real.

You know, sometimes people just going through stressful life experiences, having kids, long-term relationships.

Talk to us about how we can be aware and kind of reignite the chemistry and the connection with our partners if there's like desired dips, especially with busy schedules or

the day-to-day life.

I mean, let's normalize the fact that I would say that the majority of relationships are going to go through the dip.

It's going to happen because, you know,

postpartum, perimenopause, menopause, certain foods we eat.

If we exercise, don't exercise.

It means so many things impact our libido.

Like I said, medications, mental health, physical health.

And so just first off, normalizing that, it doesn't mean that you're broken.

It doesn't mean that there's like this huge problem.

It just means like accepting like this is an understanding that your libido is going to fluctuate over time.

And when you're in a relationship, also acknowledging the fact that in every relationship, there's usually a high desire partner and a low desire partner.

And the low desire partner actually sort of controls the sex life because they're the ones who are deciding when the sex happens, when the sex doesn't happen.

And it's just a note to say that this is something just couples are going to have to have to learn to communicate about and recognize.

And first saying, like, hey, I'm noticing that our, you know, our sex life is sort of changing.

And like, what can we, you know, what can we do together?

But here's some very specific tips.

The first thing is not expecting that your desire is going to be spontaneous like it was in the beginning of the relationship.

So there's different kinds of desire.

There's spontaneous and there is responsive.

And so we, most of us are stuck in this, like, I should be hit over my head.

I should want to rip my partner's clothes off.

Or they see me walking in the room and they want it all the time and I don't.

So I'm, therefore, I'm broken.

But I want to normalize responsive desire.

So spontaneous, we all know.

I see my partner.

I'm turned on.

I get a certain touch.

I see something.

Again, a lot of us live in the state of when we are the honeymoon phase of our relationship, when we do have that spontaneous, all all the time it's on.

That is a state of time, a limited period of time that's usually about six months to two years.

And that's because all those feel-good hormones, you know, it's like any drug, what comes up is gonna come down.

And we might have that anymore.

So then we have to know, the responsive desire is more about knowing, when I talked about the self-knowledge pillar, what is going to stoke your desire?

It could be so many different things.

It could be, I had a great date night with my partner.

We had a wonderful conversation.

The house is clean.

I exercised today.

I was able to manage my stress.

I did some breath work.

Or am I on my cycle?

Yeah, I'm on my cycle.

I ate certain foods.

I'm in a mood.

I mean, really just kind of normalizing.

Like I, like, there are certain knowing your, knowing your body and knowing when you're going to be more in the mood and when you're not.

I mean, there have been studies that show that women actually are more aroused in late afternoon.

A lot of times sex isn't happening that way.

And then there's a lot of pressure, especially on women to have sex.

And this, again, I don't even, I try try not to use genders that much even when I work because I found that it's just, it's just like men, women, we all, whatever your gender is, we all experience all these different things.

But if, if, for a lot of women, there's like a pressure that I got to be turned on at night.

And even my last part, I was like, babe, Monday nights, 10 o'clock, like it's never, if it's after 10 o'clock, it's probably not going to happen on most nights of the week.

I want to get in bed at nine.

Like, let's find the times that it does work.

So the first thing is normalizing desire and understanding that you, so we might respond to, again, conversations, date, night, connection, certain things with our partners.

The other thing is knowing that like you can schedule sex.

People think that is the least sexy thing ever.

Like you don't want to look at your calendar and be like, pick up the kids, go to, you know, go to work, have sex.

But when we don't schedule, it's a way of saying like, sex is important to us.

We're going to prioritize it.

And this way you know, okay, Saturday night is our sex night.

And so I don't have to actually be thinking about it on Wednesday or Thursday or Friday.

But when it's Saturday, then I have self-knowledge that I'm going to be thinking about it.

So I'm going to have that kind of like when sometimes when our brain gets on board for sex, our body's more likely to follow.

So on these other times, maybe we're not on board, but if we know, like, I have to respond to it, so I'm thinking about sex.

I'm setting up the environment that's going to be most conducive to me wanting to have sex.

That's another way that couples can stoke it.

And then also, we thrive with curiosity and with spontaneity and with variety, change.

And so, what can we do that's different?

What's, is there a different position, position a different location is there again this is not the only solutions but like a new lubricant a toy a conversation and for so long again I talked earlier about the techniques that people are like give me a quick technique and I'm not gonna tell you like buy this vibrator your sex life is gonna change however when we're talking about this one part of it it might help you be more aroused if there's something new it could be anything like just And even it could just be like a really sexy conversation about it.

Yeah, and I also think about, because I keep hearing you say not necessarily having the goal to to have sex, but maybe even doing some kind of a ritual that something that would turn you on if you know about yourself, like having scent or candles, things like that, like really creating the environment to have some type of connection and practice

that may lead in.

That's a part of it.

It's a huge part of it is creating a space that is conducive to sex.

So I love thinking about the senses.

Like I always have this vanilla candle that I light.

I have a lot of soft, fuzzy things in my room.

I have great lighting.

I have my favorite playlist.

And so anytime you think about all the senses that are like signaling sex or making you feel, you know, more turned on, it's so important.

And even with a partner having a ritual, like, again, I found that for so many women, sometimes sex gets going and it moves a lot faster than they want.

And so it's like, I, we, you know, I always talk about foreplay and I don't even love the word foreplay because it centers sex on penetration and penetration is not the magic for the majority of women.

But even that, like, it's not just like a light suggestion.

It's actually a requirement.

So for couples to have like a ritual, to have like with, you know, partners, I have like, like, let's breathe together for a minute.

Let's hold hands.

Let's look into each other's eyes.

Let's make sure the room is set up.

So, it's all of that.

It's, it's really engaging the senses and being intentional and setting yourself up so you're actually ready rather than feeling like you sort of fell into the sex and you didn't ready for it.

And it doesn't feel

intentional.

Yeah.

And you could also, I know people set up scenes for healing experiences through sex, right?

So if they've had a challenging experience in the past, maybe then they become a different character in the scene and they like take their power back over sexual role play and things like that.

So you can get, there's a lot of different variety with it.

Absolutely.

That's the thing.

Like a lot of women who have been assaulted can actually like have fantasies that are working that into it.

Role playing out something that might have been such a traumatic event in their life and then flipping it into, you know, more of erotic sensual play.

Taking their power back from it.

Yeah.

That's it, having agency and power.

Yeah.

And I love that the self-knowledge piece, because as we know ourselves, then we, like you're saying, communicate to our partner and set ourselves up for success, which is really beautiful.

Imagine having a fulfilling career, doing what you love, working from anywhere in the world, setting your own hours while making good money and a big impact.

If that lights you up, then I'm super excited to share with you today's sponsor, the Institute for Coaching Mastery.

This is my robust, accredited, year-long certification program for newer seasoned coaches, therapists, leaders, and those just looking to up-level their life in a profound way.

We have an amazing community of students from all around the world who have really started their journey to expand with us both personally and professionally.

And this experience is designed to give you the three things that you need to thrive.

So first, you have all of the tools and support you need to move past what's been holding you back so that you can completely change the trajectory of your life.

And then you learn how to masterfully and confidently facilitate transformation with your clients or your team, regardless of your niche, if you want to do health, business, relationship, or you just have no idea yet.

We hold your hand through that.

And then lastly, you'll receive my six-figure and beyond signature roadmap that's customizable to meet you wherever you are.

So whether you want to do high-ticket sales, online marketing, or you just want to hit six-figures without ever needing to go on social media, we've got you covered.

And this truly is the most rewarding work in the world.

We have new students now who have a waitlist of dream clients in under a year.

We also have seasoned students who are doing $80,000 months.

And this is really about creating lasting transformation from the inside out so that you can share your gifts and serve the world in all the ways that you're called to.

And I've seen firsthand the power of what happens when you have the community to collaborate with, but you also have the right tools and resources to really thrive.

And so whether you want to do your own personal development, you're wanting to become a coach, or you're just looking for a cutting-edge approach to really grow your business, the Institute for Coaching Mastery is for you.

You are held every single step of the way.

And so if you want to get behind the scenes access to the Institute with three proven transformational tools for free to help you create the business and life you love, all you have to do is go to alistenobriga.com forward slash tools, or you can find us at alissenobriga.com forward slash apply now to see all the details and apply today.

So I know a really common question is, why can't I orgasm with my partner?

How do you respond to this?

Most common.

Yeah.

I would say first, you're not broken.

There's nothing wrong with you.

And again, we center sex so much on penetration.

This goes back to like cultural conditioning and religion and all the things.

We should only be having sex to make a baby.

However, the majority of women are not going to have an orgasm through penetration.

They're going to have an orgasm through like fingers, a mouth, a toy, words, energy, like so many other ways.

And so first figuring out

what is actually getting you the most turned on, aroused, and connected.

And so

really, it's about figuring that out for yourself.

It could be through some solo work or having a partner that's really open to collaborating with you and finding out what is going to allow you to orgasm.

But sometimes, again, when our goal is based on sensuality and connection, you might find that the orgasm happens because you're releasing this notion that it should come out in a certain way.

But I think, again, it's really about just exploring your own body, being with a partner who's open to figuring that out with you, why it's going to happen, how it's going to happen, and what you require for orgasm.

A lot of us just are expecting, again, that was kind of the start of my work was when I realized that I was tired of faking orgasms.

You know, this was like 25 years ago.

I was like, this doesn't seem right.

That my partner is always finishing.

They're always having an orgasm.

And I am all about equality for women in all areas.

Why is this the case?

I don't, this doesn't seem right.

And so I decided that wasn't going to happen again.

I did everything I could.

And I really figured out my path to orgasm.

And that is available to every single woman.

And if you haven't an orgasm with your partner, it's not because you can't.

You're not broken.

There's nothing wrong with you.

It's just because, you know, now you get to explore and find your path to pleasure.

When you're talking about foreplay, I know you don't like that word.

But what I don't.

I don't like any of the sex words, to be honest.

If I used to get your off and rebrand everything, I would.

Okay, so for that word, just because that's the only thing I know.

We can use it.

We can use it.

What are some of the common challenges that people have?

Are there any studies also men and women differences?

I know

this is beyond gender, but yes, and I also want to include that.

Of course, about absorbing.

Just curious.

Yeah, I mean, it's actually like, if you think about it, we need to be warmed up.

Like if you're defining sex in a certain way, like genitals touching, rubbing against each other, you know, then we require it.

But even just in general, foreplay can be anything.

It could be a kiss, a glance, you know, sending your partner a sexy text.

It can be just touch, massage.

I'm such a fan of massage as foreplay.

I mean, I can't tell you how many times you might think you don't want sex and then you get like a foot massage for 15 minutes.

This is the ritual for the nightly or the weekly ritual to then want to lead into.

Exactly.

One of the best things I ever did was buy a massage table.

Yes, me too.

Same.

And I'm telling you, it is worth your investment.

You can buy them on the second, whatever, buy a massage table.

It does Amazon.

Yep.

Because first off, I love that you do this.

It's like, okay, because also, think about it.

We talked about libidos waning.

We're busy.

Life,

you're exhausted, but here you are expected to perform and receive and have orgasms, do all these things.

What if one night it's just about you are receiving?

And then next time your partner is receiving and then you're giving.

And there's just something about that act of massage and touch where you can breathe together and really receive and use your favorite body oil, use a massage candle, like make that the practice.

I mean, that to me is the ultimate foreplay.

That's my favorite.

And I highly recommend people try that as a weekly practice to then see what happens.

No pressure to have sex afterwards, but if that is what wants to happen, especially with the oils and you can get more central than like a massage therapist, depending on who you see.

Exactly.

You can do whatever you want, right?

You can't do it.

Foreplay, that's right.

Oh, my God.

That was like our favorite way of foreplay.

But like, yeah, I probably would be like, okay, well, hi, my name is Joe.

You know, he introduced himself.

And we'd have so much fun with it every time.

And it's okay to laugh.

It's okay to joke.

And he would stay in full character.

But it was like always the best massage I ever had, right?

So let's like normalize that.

Yeah.

My husband is a prankster.

And so we went to, we were in Mexico.

And I was about to get a massage.

And he came in pretending to be the massage there.

Oh my God, I love it.

And he got really intimate.

And it was a woman.

So I was fine with it.

And he got, he was trying to play a prank on me, but he got so intimate that he was surprised I didn't react.

And he started laughing.

And then I realized it was him.

But anyway.

He's a joke.

He's you're really like pregnant

I love it that was a great another another big question that I know people have especially when I was a couples therapist people would ask this all the time so everything's great in terms of the relationship but they're not sexually attracted to them the one of the most common questions is like can you build that chemistry or does that mean you're not compatible yeah wow this is this is it right this is the conundrum I mean Well, first, I always ask couples, like, usually they had it in the beginning.

I hope.

If you've had it, that's a great start.

Usually a lot of other stuff has gotten in the way and you can build her.

But yes, you absolutely, it just means that you've gotten really comfortable.

You're connected all these other ways, maybe emotionally and spiritually.

But it just means that, again, it's time to get really curious about your connection.

What could you guys explore together that you're both into?

I have this like yes, no, maybe list on my website.

It is the most, it's probably been downloaded about a million times.

It's a free guide at sexwithemily.com.

It has about 100 sex acts on it.

And it's just, I have a lot of different tools like these that just help people have the conversations or get curious.

It has like 100 different sex acts, like, and you each take it separately.

So kissing, is it a yes, no, or maybe?

You know, dirty talk, yes, no, maybe.

Toys, yes, no, maybe.

And then you come together.

And I can't tell you how many couplers are like, I had no idea my partner wanted to be spanked and I want to spank.

It's just a great place to think, like, where have we not explored?

Like, what rock have we not turned over yet?

Where are we stuck in patterns?

You know, taking ourselves out of our conditioning of what we expect sex to be.

And another thing is to, for these couples, is to give yourselves permission to take sex, if you define it as penetration or orgasm, off the table.

And then for a week or a month, say, we're just going to start to explore again.

And today's just going to be about...

kissing and the next week we're going to be about exploring each other's hands or bodies or torso and we are just going to learn to find different ways to please each other and open up different receptors.

And just, I mean, there's so much to explore.

So I would say that, again, the way it just couples can get it back if they're both willing.

Now, if there's one partner, and here's you probably have found this as a couples therapist and it's really, really in all the work you've done, it's so challenging.

And I've found this a lot.

Oftentimes there's one in the relationship who is pushing that sex boulder up the hill.

They're like, let's have the conversations.

Let's mix it up.

Let's talk about it.

Let's go to therapy.

And there might be one partner going back to cultural conditioning and sexual shame, and they don't want to talk about it.

They don't want to discuss it.

And they deeply believe that if they talk about sex and they have to work on it, then their relationship is over or it's broken or sex shouldn't be talked about.

Again, I can't tell you how many people like still believe that sex should actually not, not only should it not be talked about like on Instagram or anywhere, but it shouldn't even be talked about in a relationship.

I would say, and I would love to know your take on this, I believe that 99.9% of couples have not yet had a healthy conversation about sex that has helped them truly connect and have more pleasure and have the sex that they want.

Most of the conversations are around sex are, when are we having it?

We haven't had it a lot.

How come you never do this or that?

I found that like what we're talking about, these really healthy conversations are not as common.

Yeah.

And I think that when we go into kind of the surface level conversation about how often we're having sex and if it becomes blame and shame, then we stay in the defense versus speaking from the vulnerability underneath, like, I miss you, or I'm scared that you're not attracted to me anymore.

So the willingness to speak that vulnerable truth is what creates more intimacy and connection.

And then sex can be a reflection of that rather than staying at the surface level.

Absolutely.

I'm tracking how much we're having, and the other person feels defensive about that, and then just really back and forth.

I love that you said that.

That is truly where I would say the majority of sex conversations are living.

They're living up here in the numbers and the techniques and all these other things.

But when we learn to be vulnerable and say the things that we think we cannot say, that's when the whole world of sensuality and sexuality truly opens up.

Yeah, that's greater intimacy.

And then sex is a reflection of it.

Yes, I love that.

Sex is a reflection.

of the fact that you are opening up and releasing whatever shame is around it because when we you know when we speak the words like the shame can't live there right shame can no longer live when we are speaking our you know our our truths yeah so what i hear is that you feel like couples specifically, they had it in the beginning.

They can try new things, go to your website, see some examples, and that could even be a date night.

That 5,000 podcasts.

All the things.

But like that can be a way to understand each other and understand your relationship now versus what it was however long ago.

Try new things and really rebuild that connection.

Absolutely.

And just know that your sex life can start today.

Like just listening to this podcast, like today could be the first day of the rest of your sex life.

Let go of the past.

Let go of how it was.

You know, we don't want the same food sometimes we wanted five years ago.

We don't do the same exercise.

We don't even have the same, maybe sometimes the same friends or the same arrangement, same job.

But for some reason, we keep having sex and thinking about sex in the same exact way.

So I just want to release everybody from wherever it was in the past.

But if you have a partner who's willing, be like, let's start today.

Like, let's start really exploring and getting curious and, you know, being honest and unpacking this and rebuilding or building it for the first time, perhaps, into a way that feels good for both of us.

And then, what about for if they're single and they're dating somebody and it's like they're everything, they check off all the boxes, but I'm not attracted to them.

You know, that's harder with dating.

I mean, it's not harder.

It's a different kind of challenge because, again,

finding somebody that you want to explore with, like, because here you are, you're like, I have all this great connection, but I'm not attracted to them.

Then I would ask people,

have a sexual conversation with them and open up and say, would you be willing to explore with me?

Can we explore some touch?

Can we explore some massage together and see if it builds from there?

But it can also be tricky because, again, you don't, because of the way our society is set up, that person, you might never have had a conversation like this.

Like, what we're talking about now is that it's commonplace.

So, I feel like you could just sort of be vulnerable with someone you're dating and say, like, I don't know if I feel the spark, but would you be open to like exploring with me, going to a play party, doing something different, and seeing if you can kind of find that with somebody?

But also, we just might not have it.

Somebody might just come into your life to be a really good friend.

Like, I don't, there's a lot of factors that have to fall into place.

But if you, but you were asking if everything's great.

Yeah, they're great on paper or all that stuff, but they're just not there.

Sometimes it's just not there.

Yeah.

Like, and if that's a magic, if that's a non-negotiable, that's a real deal breaker.

Yeah.

That's what it is.

And I have to say that people have to, I love that you said non-negotiable because I can't tell you how many people are like, everything's great.

And we're married, but we don't have great sex.

We're married and I've never been attracted.

We have six kids.

And it's like, that's really tough when you've already like walked down the aisle and committed to somebody, but you're like, everything was great.

But the sex, the sex is not a but.

Sex is not an afterthought.

Like that is what we're talking about.

That sex is wellness.

Sex is important.

Your pleasure is important.

And you have to prioritize it from the jump.

So again, if you're dating somebody and it's only been a few times you've gone out or it's been a few months and it just you've tried like I someone recently reached out they're like I'm dating this person and and it's really like they've tried to have conversations with them about a few things that weren't working they weren't receptive they're like but I really like I'm like listen it's been three months this is the honeymoon phase if the sex isn't great right now like cut your losses this is still it's like they're not open they're showing you who they are right right now

yeah you know you have enough information at this point yeah

clear and i I know you've been talking about opening up to your partner, having really honest conversations.

And yet some people don't do that because their shame or they don't want to hurt their partner's feelings or they just don't know about their own body, their own pleasure.

Are there any practical tips for couples to open up and have deeper conversations and their desires?

Oh my God.

I love this question because it's so true.

Like you, you know that the reason why we don't have these conversations with our partners is exactly that.

We're afraid we're going to offend them.

We're going to hurt their feelings.

And we're like, I know it's not great, but I actually don't know what I want.

So I think I'm just going to stay mute about it and hope it gets better.

It doesn't get better.

Okay.

Like, let me just tell you: when you put the sex on the back burner, it's going to be staying on the back burner.

And it's just,

I just see so many people waiting for it.

So my first thing is, is

actually saying to your partner, you know,

I always talk about timing, tone, and turf.

It's my three T's for any conversation, especially a sex conversation.

This is a starting point:

if you haven't talked about sex yet, find the right time when you're not halt, hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.

You know, you know, when you're hanging out, it's a good environment.

The tone is curious and compassionate and chill.

And the turf is outside the bedroom.

I actually think we should leave our bedrooms for sleeping and for sex.

And let's not make it to have like our really deep, heavy conversations around sex, especially if it's like you're already in a state of arousal and you feel rejected again.

And then you're like, how come you're never in a shade or you don't want sex?

Let's find a time when we are, yeah, just hanging out on a road trip and, you know, hiking, walking.

And then you could say, you know what?

I just, and I always helped people blame me.

Like, I was in sex with Emily and she said that most couples don't actually have productive, healthy conversations that move the needle about our sex lives.

And she also cited a statistic that couples who do talk about their sex lives often have healthier, more satisfied sex lives.

So I don't want to be that statistic.

I want to be the couple that is.

So would you be open?

Would you be willing to go on a sexual journey with me where we can have honest and open conversations about our sex life, about our desires, about our wants, about our likes, our dislikes?

Like, are you even open to that?

And, you know, you see what your partner says.

Hopefully they say yes.

And then you get to start to explore.

You can go into therapy together.

You could just think about what you've liked in the past.

A great starting point is, okay, let's talk about the three most memorable times you've had sex together.

And then from there, you'd be like, what was it about that time?

Where were we?

What was happening?

It's sort of like your sexual DNA of your relationship.

So, I mean, there's a lot of other techniques and modalities, but I would say first, just start having the conversation.

And again,

remember that it's not a one-time conversation.

You know, I've found that once couples get over that hump and the awkwardness, they actually learn to love these conversations.

They actually can't live without them.

It becomes the fuel and the life force of their relationship.

I love love that you bring curiosity and playfulness into it.

It doesn't have to be a heavy conversation.

And if you get in a cul-de-sac where you're feeling awkward and you can't navigate it with your partner, then go to a therapist or a coach or somebody to help navigate.

I mean, one of the things that I have had an incredible marriage with my husband, 16 years, and I really pride it on the work that we've done, but the work that we continue to do.

Like we regularly do therapy, not as a reactive, but as a proactive.

It's one way that we create deeper intimacy and connection and just keep that alive.

Because if we don't prioritize looking at things that have got pushed under the rug, it's just going to fester.

Yeah, I love that.

It's so, so important.

I mean, I think that so many couples would benefit from that.

And I know it might not be accessible to everybody, but think of all the other things that we're doing in our life.

And if you're like sharing that how much it moves the needle, we invest in so many other things in our relationship, but even just saying once a month we're going to have a therapist that we check in with, it's really hard to do the work on your own.

Like you will get into patterns that are going to get disruptive.

Your libidos will suffer.

You will have setbacks.

You will have hard things happen.

And if you have a trusted coach or therapist that you can go to, again, even once a month, once a quarter, it could be life-saving and life-giving for your relationship.

Yeah, really.

I love that you shared that.

We all need it.

We're never done.

I highly, I know, I love that we're never done.

It's the thing that we get to keep exploring.

Yeah.

So therapy, right?

Healers and healers.

Yeah.

Therapists have therapists.

They're all like, it's like, I don't think you ever, you arrive to a place.

It's always evolving.

It's like we hire coaches and we hire experts for every other area of our life, right?

You know, heart breaks down or tooth fix or like everything, but for some reason with these like relationship issues or sex issues, we just feel like we have to suffer alone.

You don't.

There's so many great resources.

Yeah.

And it can be really connected and light and beautiful and more intimate as a way of just opening, sharing your vulnerability.

But I would say share the vulnerability.

So I'm thinking about the singles listening.

And what about for somebody that just had casual sex and then started having feelings and they they don't they're not compatible emotionally but it's great sex and they're starting to create feelings what do you what advice do you have for them i think part of it is i hear this mostly from women they say to me i can't have casual sex because when i do i catch feelings and i would say that's another part of our cultural conditioning you can actually learn Train your body to be receiving pleasure fully and know that it's about your pleasure and be connected to somebody and feel safe with somebody and you don't have to fall in love with them.

So I think that's a little bit of rewiring that we can do if we're open to it.

Now, that's a little bit of work, but I think that we could learn to with great boundaries and great communication skills.

You can probably have great sex with somebody and make it more casual if they're open to it, be more open, say that you're dating other people or have that, be honest about it.

I think today is like, I mean, honestly, in the last 20 years, I think that we're at such a good time right now.

There's like apps for this.

People are more open.

They're talking about being open.

But if you just want it to be casual,

you know, mention that it's be honest that you just want casual.

What you're saying, I think what you asked was.

You thought it was casual and then you started to develop your feelings.

But did you?

Like, what are the, so again, checking the feelings and saying, am I just prescribing?

the feelings to this person that's making me feel a certain way because it might not really be about them it's that you feel safe with this person they're willing to collaborate with you They're willing to, they're holding space for you.

They're making you feel safe.

And you, you know, there's something about this connection.

And I think that there's a lot of learning in there.

Like, what is it about this sexual connection that feels so good?

Pay attention.

You're going to put that in your self-knowledge bucket.

And then when you are searching for a partner again, that has all the other things that you're looking for.

You can be like, this was the thing.

Because a lot of times we don't even remember.

We don't even dissect it or think about it.

But take this as a note.

Like, wow, this person does these things and that, yeah, are allowing me to feel safe and fully expressive.

I'm going to say it's not about their penis, it's not about their moves, it's not about the way they smell.

Like, it might be part of it, but usually it's about us, how they're making us feel.

And that's transferable.

I love that.

That's just taking your power back.

It's like what specifically was the ingredient?

How can you have that self-knowledge to either create for yourself or make sure you have it in your next partnership?

Yeah, beautiful.

I love that.

Okay, so what are some other misconceptions about sex that we can debunk?

there's so many i would say most i think that we should always be aroused and turned on all the time i mean we covered that but like we should always be having orgasms we should be having sex certain

yeah a certain number of times a week yeah as if there's like some prescription for everyone once a week what's three times a week you feel like that men want sex more than women yeah oh yeah that's a huge one that is so huge i got into that i did one of my girlfriends was gonna you know was starting a certification for sexuality in women i'm like that's not gonna do well right did so well i was like oh checkmate That was just my conditioning.

That's a really big one.

I would say that that was the first misconception when I started this career that I was shocked.

I thought that, again, goes back to societal kitchening.

Men are always ready to go.

They should have erection 24-7.

And women are just like frigid and don't really want it.

Like, so not true.

There are so many women who want sex all the time.

They're super turned on, aroused in their bodies, and they want sex more than their, their male partners.

And I'm telling you, my heart goes out to men.

Like men have to have that, we are expecting, like they have this pressure that they should always know what they're doing.

Again, be aroused, turn on, ready to go.

And that's just not the case for many men.

They don't, they too might not want sex all the time.

I think that the other misconceptions are that fantasies aren't normal.

You shouldn't have fantasies or porn is bad.

I think porn and use in a healthy way can be great.

Or that maybe using sex toys means that it's somehow lesser of an orgasm or not really,

you know, I don't know.

People judge them.

Gosh, if you have to use lube, there's a problem.

Just so many motives.

Yeah, so we get to debunk all of that right here and now.

It's true, yes.

It's done.

Whatever your truth is, gets to be your truth.

Accept your truth.

That's where you watch the shame fall away once you accept yourself.

And for the singles who are having sex, and they're wondering, because a lot of the time there's a lot of narrative, I think, for singles with sex of like, if I have sex too soon, is it going to ruin the connection?

Are they going to judge me?

Or am I not going to be a wife category, for example, women?

Or does that mean like there's some rule I need to follow that I'm not hearing?

I think there's a lot of narratives for singles around sex.

Can you this drives me insane?

This has just been around forever and you will go on TikTok and you will find so many tropes like this, like, well, she slept with me on the first date.

I didn't want to date her.

Wait, make them beg for it or wait till the third date or wait till you're committed or relationships won't last.

I mean,

People will say that.

They'll continue to say that.

I don't believe in any rules around this.

I think that, listen, if you are truly feeling connected with somebody and you're feeling safe with somebody and you're not too drunk, you weren't coerced.

I mean, that's the thing.

Like a lot of times we get really drunk or liquid courage and we had sex and we regret it.

I'm talking about fully embodied sex where you wanted to have it, you met somebody, it felt great, and you actually had a good time and you're glad that you did it.

It doesn't really matter what happens after that if you full on were there for the sex because you wanted it.

You might be with a partner who had a judgment that, well, I would have made you my wife, but you had sex with me, so now it didn't work.

I would say you dodge a bullet and that's not your person.

They are legitimately judging you on this one thing that you did because you both wanted to in the moment.

Like to me, these are just like seriously not your people.

I just think that, and you'll hear from just as many cops like, we had sex on the first day, we've been together 30 years.

So I just don't believe in the rules and the conditions around this.

I will say

that sex is such like so many things.

It's intimacy, it's connections, it's kissing, it's touching.

If you know that you're somebody that once you do have sex, you get really attached or you connect all these emotions to it, then maybe you could wait to have sex.

Like maybe wait to have penetrative sex.

Maybe you just slow it down and say, God, can we go back to just the making out that felt really, really good?

We're allowed to stop sex.

We're allowed to say, you know what?

This is moving too fast.

It's not what I want right now.

And like change the moment.

I have to say that I used to think I couldn't stop sex.

That there was like, once I got going with sex, I had to continue because it would like hurt my partner's feelings.

They would get blue balls.

Like I was afraid they'd call 911.

Like that was a thing.

It's not a thing.

I mean, yes, they might be uncomfortable for a minute, but like no one's going to die because you.

So I just think, again, knowing yourself, knowing that like it actually is really hot to wait too.

Like it's really hot to be like, let me see if I actually like this person and I trust them.

I feel safe with them.

Hard to feel super safe on a first date.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like truly.

Like true safety comes from, you know, consistency and knowing someone.

So again, like okay to wait, but also no judgment around if you decide to a full body yes.

I love the permission in that and just helping take your power back.

I also think there can be something really kinky and beautiful and

like edging of just working it up.

And so slow it down and enjoy that process if that's your truth.

Because I know some women are feel like, oh, if I, if I have a drink, I'm more open having sex.

And then I have the oxytocin and that's more false.

It's more chemical.

And so that if that's their truth, then just slow it down and say, explore what it's like without all that.

But I love the permission to just have your experience and just make it.

Absolutely.

But it's so true that drinking opens us up.

Like, so yeah, just permission to have your own experience and then like know yourself and be like, well, maybe I'm the state that I'm not going to drink or I will drink and I'll be okay with what I decided.

Like there's no, again, this goes back to the shaming around, you know, sexuality.

It's just like, really?

What if you just had a really good night?

Yeah.

And it was a good time.

And then you went home.

Yeah.

Great.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And that was it.

And it comes back to me for like all the inner tools also.

So, like, if you know, there's some healing or attachment, and you can do the work to really unravel that.

So you really choose people that are in alignment with your values and the way that you want to be treated and seen.

And you're showing up for yourself that way.

So anybody else is not a match will easily fall away without judgment.

It's a lot easier that way.

So much easier once you're clear about your boundaries and your values.

And like, yeah, let those people fall away who has all these judgments around around sex, who has all these like rules and strict, like, you know, it's fear.

Yeah.

Fear.

Yeah, it's all fear.

It's such fear.

I appreciate you've been so open about your story of unraveling performative sex for people that have really focused on performative sex because that's what they've seen in porn and maybe nobody talked to them about sex.

Can you share a little bit about your story?

And then also how do you support them in feeling into what's their own pleasure rather than focusing on what they should sound like or have their experience of.

Yeah, so for me, I realized that my sex was all performing, pretty not all.

I mean, I love the making out and the kissing, but once it came to like penetration, and usually the penetration came too fast and I was doing all the things.

And once I started realizing like, oh, I actually am deserving of pleasure.

I can have pleasure.

My experience was just learning my own body.

I mean, honestly, I spent so much time with like really like ramping up my masturbation practice and without shame and learning to touch my body, make the sounds, figure out what felt good to me.

And for anyone who wants to kind of overcome their performance is I would say you got to spend time alone and you have to like practice some like, you know, cultivating your eroticism and your sensuality and really making that pleasure date with yourself of exploring all the nerve endings on your body and what really feels good to you and like your inner elbow, the nape of your neck, like what are all the different ways you can experience pleasure?

Practice making sounds.

Look at yourself in the mirror.

Really do these kind of exercises, like, but make this your practice.

Take the baths, do the things, put time into it.

That is how we're going to like grow our erotic energy and learn to accept ourselves and learn to really like that's because then we gain more confidence.

We're like, oh, I can have pleasure.

I just.

didn't know how to

show a partner that I didn't know how to ask for it.

And so once you do this work you will no longer be able to fall into those performative spaces because you've actually taken the time to learn yourself so but it's a practice and it's probably the most important work we can do and for many people I hear about masturbation you know we can't even say the word a lot of times or you know I'll you'll get you know whatever it's part of the shadow bed and part of whatever and it's dirty and but it really is part of like taking your power back again too is like you you might not have discovered all those places in your body where you can have pleasure.

And it's okay to masturbate if you're in a relationship.

A lot of people say, oh, I don't need to have a partner now.

And it's like, no, like it really is a part of self-care.

People are going to masturbate in a relationship, out of a relationship, and even share it with your partner.

I love like mutual masturbation is such a beautiful, sexy act where you're both actually, you know, pleasing yourselves.

while the other partner is watching.

So they're actually getting turned on because you're truly in your pleasure, but then they're also learning what you how you touch yourself so a great way is like i've learned these things like do you want to see what i do or let me show you how i please myself you know i often get questions about what do you do if your partner's threatened by a vibrator they don't want to use it you know they feel that it's replacing them like just Bring it into the bedroom and show them like, I've got this really cool toy.

Let me show it on you first.

So like, I'll take the vibrator and I'll like rub it on their, their body.

And I'll be like, does that feel good?

Like, and like they love it.

They love the lube.

They love the vibe.

They just don't know it.

Like, I think that there's a lot of guys that are thinking to themselves, like, you've got this like 16-foot vibrator that's going to replace me.

And it's going to, you know, and it's like, usually they're like little like pebble-shaped toys that like really just stimulate our clutters.

They can be shaped like a phallic object.

But once you like show them and you experience it together, it becomes part of your play and you can show them how you please yourself.

So I think those are some ways to get over that performative part of it.

Yeah.

And really, I keep hearing like find your own pleasure, have self-knowledge.

It was interesting.

My first year of college, I had a sexuality class and they had us take a mirror and look at ourselves in the mirror and our vulva and just write a description and a letter about it.

And it was just such a confronting class.

And I hear you keep talking about sexual wellness and sexual routine.

So these are some practices to know our bodies, to discover what our pleasure is, to keep tuning in.

Are there any other really powerful practices?

That is a powerful first.

So the mirror actually is the most powerful one.

I too had to do that in school, in grad school.

We had to look at it and we had to write it.

We had to draw it.

We had like all these crafts.

You had to

write a letter to it.

All of that is so, so important.

I think that's a great practice.

I think practicing like your sound, like humming, moaning, making noises, learning to fully express your, your sexuality, maybe reading erotic.

Like if you just feel some people are just so shut down from things.

So like finding your sources of spark, like what actually is turning you on?

Can you think about moments, erotic moments?

Like I love like ethical porn, which is porn that's made like usually by women for women.

You're seeing like real bodies, like performers are paid well.

They're, you know, there's more plots.

Like, just finding stuff that is really like stoking your sensuality and eroticism is another really like helpful way to find what really, what your turn-ons really are.

And again, it's never too late to start.

I mean, I would say that I hear from women all ages, 60s, 70s, 40s, 20s, never had an orgasm, never expressed ourselves.

So again, it's because of the way our society has been set up.

So just, you know, get curious and start exploring and looking for sensual inspiration.

Yeah, just follow the threads.

So just in closing, if there were something that you wished women knew about their sexual power, what would it be?

I wish that women knew that their sexual power

was in their hands, that they were responsible for their own power and their own pleasure, and it's not based on anyone else.

And I would also say that it's infinite and it's expansive and it's ever-changing.

It's waiting for you.

So good.

Thank you for who you are, how you be in the world, Emily.

I know my audience is going to want to stay connected.

Please share with us how they do that.

You can find me everywhere at Sex with Emily.

So it's my website is sexwithemily.com.

All social media, Sex with Emily.

Join my membership, SmartSX.

It's an app where we can connect once a month.

I do live workshops.

And yeah, I have a store.

If you, you know, when I go shopping, I've like curated it to be like my favorite sex accessories.

Ooh, all of it is Sex with Emily.

Amazing.

We put all the links here on the podcast, too.

That's wherever you listen to your podcast.

Yeah.

Beautiful.

Thank you for coming on.

I'm so grateful for having my new friend.

Oh my God, I love it.

Thank you so much for doing this work that changes the world, starting with yourself.

It truly does make a difference.

And if you're finding value in this podcast, a cost-free way to support us is by following us.

It does help us grow, and we are so grateful.

As a thank you gift, we will be sending you one of the most powerful tools that you can use on any area of your life to help you tap into your full potential so that you don't let fear hold you back from really stepping into your dreams.

All you have to do is leave a review on Apple or Spotify, submit a screenshot of that, and upload it to alyssenobrigit.com forward slash podcast.

Once you do that, we will send you this incredible gift.

I have so much more magic I want to share with you, and I cannot wait to do that soon.

But for now, I just want to say thank you so much for being an example of what it's like to live with an open heart and mind in the world.