The Truth About Modern Love: What No One Tells You About Relationships - Jillian Turecki | EP 72

We want someone to come into our lives to make up for whatever deficits we have in our character. But there's no one coming into your life who's going to be perfect.
Everyone has an inner child. Everyone has their stuff.
All those feelings that you feel in the beginning have the potential to be dangerous emotionally because they can make it so that you are not seeing the red flags, that you're lying to yourself, that you're just like rushing to seal the deal with this person. You have to be so incredibly dedicated to whatever intention you have going into a dating scenario.
If you're someone who tends to fall quickly, you got to really, really slow it down. Actually, what's happening is that we're looking at our partner and we have a filter right in front of our eyes.
And that filter is showing us mom, it's showing us dad, it's showing us our exes. Conflict is a part of relationships, advanced healthy conflict.
It's you and me against this problem. You can't let resentment poison your relationship.
That means that you have to speak up. You have to stop having so many expectations of your partner to be perfect.
Conflict prevention is really resentment prevention. But if you are spending the majority of your time in conflict, something is wrong.
Welcome to the Healing and Human Potential podcast, where today we're going to dive into all things relationships. We're going to explore how do you know if you're setting unrealistic expectations or your standards aren't high enough? How do you navigate conflict and resolution or sexual chemistry? I'm thrilled to be joined by Jillian Tarecki, who is a relationship coach and author of It Begins With You, Nine Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Life.
So we're going to dive into some of them here, unpacking practical strategies to live happier, healthier relationships. Let's dive in.
I am so happy that you're here. I'm so excited to share it with my audience.
And I wanted to start us off just by talking about any trends or stats that you see in modern relationships that may be alarming and how you kind of think about it in your work. Because I know you work with a lot of people around relationships.
So in terms of modern day relationships, are there any trends or statistics that you're like, oh, this is somewhat alarming? My work isn't really focused around statistics. It's more just my experience of working with people.
A trend that I'm seeing in modern dating and modern relationships is this idea of 50-50, which is I scratch your back just as long as you scratch my back. And I'm going to put 50% of my mental, emotional, physical, financial resources into the relationship, and you're going to put 50.

And we're going to meet each other exactly halfway all the time, which is a great antidote to relationships of the 50s, for example, where there was just a lot of misogyny, and there was just a lot of imbalance. But what's happening now is that relationships are so transactional.
Yeah. And, you know, we're even calling them partnerships, which fine, you know, like I say partner all the time.
But it is an interesting thing, isn't it? because that's actually, now that we're talking about statistics, statistically speaking,

using the word partner for any... thing, isn't it? Because that is, that's actually, now that we're talking about statistics,

statistically speaking, using the word partner for any kind of relationship is actually quite unusual. Partners used to be referred to as business partners, and then you would see it in the gay community.
But now it's like, no, this isn't my boyfriend. This isn't my girlfriend.
This isn't my husband. This isn't my wife.
This is my partner. And what I like about it is I like this idea of partner in crime and this idea that like we're coming together and we are partner.
It's like you and me against the world kind of thing, or you and me against the trials and tribulations of the world. So I think it actually, I don't want to poo-poo it too much.
I think it has some value, but where we get tripped up is okay. Then we're really like these partners and you do this and you do this and then we're good.
There's no passion. There's no chemistry.
There's none of the juice that makes a romantic relationship what it is versus a business partnership or a friendship in 50 50. The goal is both people putting their all into the relationship.
And realistically speaking, there's going to be periods of times or days where you're at 20 percent and your partner's at 80%. And it's not about keeping tabs.
It's about if you both have the understanding that like, I've got your back when you're not feeling great and you've got my back when I'm not feeling great. And, you know, maybe I don't like to do the dishes.
So we hire someone to do the dishes if we can, or you do the dishes, but I'm doing something else. So it's, it's a conversation.
And so that's a very long answer to, I think that that's like the main trend in modern relationships that again, has some value in terms of what it is anecdotal to, in terms of what it, what it is an antidote to in terms of marriages of our parents and their parents, but it doesn't really, it's not serving people. I'm curious your thoughts on that too.
Yeah. I mean, as you're talking, I'm just aware that we have not been in relationships, evolutionarily speaking, for that long.
And so I think there was this kind of transactional period of time where it was like, we're, we survive in community and we need this. And so things have really shifted since then we've really evolved and we're learning how to be there for the parts of ourselves and clearly communicate that in relationship, which is what I hear you highlighting, which is, Hey, I'm at 20% today.
Can you help out? And like, I love you and I'm here, but it's not this tit for tat keeping tabs. I love that.
Yeah. There's another trend, but you said one that's really troubling me.
I don't know if this is troubling me, but I do think it's worth the conversation, which is that, you know, cause you brought up this idea of community, right? And never before in modern relationships, like this idea of a soulmate, that's very new. You know, it's new and like this idea of romanticism.
It used to be like it takes a village. It's a community.
You marry the person who's, you know, who is in your community or there's a range marriages. And so when we're looking at through the modern lens, it's like, I want to meet this person who's my twin flame, who's my soulmate, who's my everything.
And I think that that actually does trouble me because it's a lot of pressure to put on a person. And I think it's a lot of pressure to feel on our shoulders that we have to be someone's everything.
A hundred percent. I couldn't agree more.
I think it's this fairy tale that we've been conditioned around like, you're going to complete me as if I'm somehow not enough as I am. And it doesn't allow the relationship to blossom and see what it is because we're putting our unspoken needs and expectations onto them rather than just feeling our wholeness and seeing what unfolds naturally in the relationship.
So the other thing that I'm aware of that you're bringing forward is like, you have also other relationships to fulfill other parts of you. You don't have to put too much on this one.
You know, it's like, do you have shared vision and values and, and ways that lifestyle, you know, the way that you want to live your life? There's so much I want to dive into. So we'll get, we'll get to it.
And, but one of the things I want to talk about is conflict, because I think a lot of people think conflict is bad and it's normal. And I think more than just if conflict comes up or not, it's like, how do we repair through it? And so that's the bigger question.
It's like, conflict's going to happen. It doesn't mean you don't have a good relationship, but how do you use it to grow closer together? I'm curious if there's any practices or exercises

you recommend for couples navigating conflict. Before I get into that, one thing that I want to say about conflict is that, you know, when we, conflict has such a big umbrella, right? And so you don't want to be in constant conflict with your partner.
Yeah. Yes.
Right. For sure.
And if you never have any conflict, then my curiosity is peaked in so far as I'm wondering

how much the two of you are actually involved in each other's lives, or are you living separate

lives? Are you doing the, you know, let's just brush everything under the rug, right? So conflict

is a part of relationship. But so here's the thing, the most successful couples I know, believe that conflict is about two people coming together and solving a problem, rather than two people coming together and thinking the other is the problem.
And I know that that's easier said than done. But I've worked with thousands of people now.
And what I will say is that that is always really the thing. Also, there are certain things that you are never going to resolve.
It is always going to be an issue. Can you let it go? Can you accept that this is something that the two of you are always going to kind of like, there's never going to be any true resolution.
And can you let it go? Because sometimes when there isn't any true resolution, the resolution is the letting go of it. And to stop harping on it, you're correct.
It's how people repair. And what I would add to that is how quickly does a couple bounce back from conflict? Because every relationship goes through cycles.
There's cycles of closeness. Then there might be cycles where you're not as emotionally close.
There's a little like, so it's like, let's say cycle of connection, disconnection, and then finding each other again. So some people refer to it as harmony, disharmony, and then repair.
And so the goal is to understand that there is that cycle and to become more aware of when there is disconnection and to do what it takes to find connection again. And so sometimes that's not just like repairing a specific fight, but it's like, how do we reconnect? So here are some real concrete takeaways.
You can't let resentment poison your relationship. You just can't.
That means that you have to speak up. That means that you, for some people, it means you have to stop having so many expectations of your partner to be perfect.
And when they make a mistake, then you're angry with them and then you feel resentful. Like I said, for more people than not, it's speaking up and saying, you know, this is a problem.
I need to talk about this. So conflict prevention is really resentment prevention.
When there is conflict, it's all in how you talk about it with your partner. So if you do things like we need to talk right now, and so you get into protest behavior and control behavior that doesn't work, but it's really about, can you listen to each other? Can you empathize with what the other person is feeling? Can you express your feelings in such a way that you are not villainizing your partner? And there's an art form to that.
And it's really just saying, look, I know you didn't mean this, but what it feels like in my body, what I'm experiencing from this, my perspective of this, and therefore I'm very upset. And can you listen and can you empathize? And then can you both like, look at the problem and be like, okay, how are we going to collaborate to kind of fix this problem? But really, I honestly, the best couples I know, and I, this is going to be hard for some people to hear, but the best couples I know are, um, really respectful of each other.
And so they don't let their arguments get dirty. They don't hit below the belt.
Yeah. And, and having a conscious container to do our own work so that the respect is always there.
Like, you know, when I was a couples therapist talking about how do you want to fight so you don't go to your reptilian brain and jab, there's a place for the part of you that maybe wants to blame and is a victim, but that's not going to ultimately be healthy if you let that part of you lead your relationship conversations. Yeah.
And I hear you saying like, it's you as a couple against the problem. Like you're a team instead of it being against each other.
And I'll share one thing that my husband and I do that I find really helpful. We just made it up in case this serves anybody.
So we say, can you hold? So if I'm super triggered and I asked my husband, can he hold? Essentially, I'm asking him, is he regulated to some degree?

And if he's centered and regulated, then whatever I say, I'm going to ham up the part of me that is upset. This is an advanced tool, by the way.
But it's a great tool. And it's helpful to know, can you hold? Because if both of you aren't regulated, don't have the conversation.
So I will ham up the part of me that just wants to be allowed and expressed. Let's say the victim, where I consciously complain.
And anything that I say, he knows not to take it personally because we have the context set. So I might be like, you're the worst husband in the world.
You know that it's your fault and you keep blaming me, but we both know that it's your fault. And you have to exaggerate it because then you just start laughing because you can see how absurd it is.
But then this part of us got to be expressed and allowed. And there's oftentimes nothing to do after it.
But these are just helpful things that people can try. Again, you have to ask, can you hold? Because if you are not regulated, it's not going to be a healthy conversation.
But I love what you're saying. It's like, you know, we can have practices like this and the foundation of how we be with each other is loving, is respectful.
Like there's not going to be any

blaming. And it may sound like, you know, like part of the examples you were sharing are taking

personal responsibility, which is also super easy for somebody to hear when you're upset,

because it's just sharing your experience without the blame. I love what you shared.

I also love that there's humor involved. I think that humor is one of the best pattern interrupts

Thank you. when you're upset because it's just sharing your experience without the blame.
I love what you shared. I also love that there's humor involved.
I think that humor is one of the best pattern interrupts ever. Couples can start laughing together, but I love that.
I think that, you know, just to kind of piggyback on that is one of the biggest mistakes I see people make is they keep digging and pushing the button when the other person is on the edge of their like, like they're going to lose it and of their dysregulation.

And that's when things totally erupt and become crazy.

And so I love that because if we can have respect for the timing of things, which is,

you know, if I'm flooded right now, emotionally, this is not going to end well. And having that, I don't even think that should be an advanced tool.
I think that should be taught like on day one. Foundational.
Yeah. Yeah.
So good. Yeah.
I was going to ask you like what some myths are that you hear or misunderstandings, because one of them, and I'll give an example, if you have any, would be like, don't go to bed upset. I actually don't believe that.
I think that if you are both dysregulated, continuing the conversation isn't going to be productive. So I would rather say, let's pause, let's regulate ourselves and come back to this in 10 minutes or tomorrow morning.
You have to say when you're going to come back so you don't trigger the part of your partner that has abandonment or whatever the other pattern is. But to regulate instead of just trying to keep going because you heard, don't go to bed upset.
I don't buy into that. I'm curious if there are other ones that you have found or you want to kind of debunk.
Don't have those conversations at night in bed, period. Yeah.
That's not the time to bring up stuff. So I think the timing of when you bring up something that's bothering you is, I think timing is everything.
So yes. So just try to avoid that whole scenario altogether where you're up late at night talking about the relationship.
It's terrible. You know, it's funny.
Most of the time I'm telling people they need to have more difficult conversations with each other because my experience with people is that we tend to avoid these hard conversations because we don't really know how to communicate about it and it's very uncomfortable. However, there are people who talk about their relationship too much and really what they would benefit from is just letting go and having more fun and stop talking about the relationship constantly.
I think that, I think in general, women like to talk about the relationship more than men. And I, one of the conflicts that I see, particularly in heteronormative relationships is the woman always wanting to talk about the relationship and the man never wanting to talk about the relationship.
And the thing is, is that him never wanting to talk about the relationship is a problem. And her always wanting to talk about the relationship is also a problem.
So I think it's about bringing that awareness to your relationship and just saying, you know, how often am I bringing up us and not spending time enjoying us? Or, you know, am I, you know, am I just not listening to my partner? Do I keep avoiding this uncomfortable conversation? I want to just highlight that real quick, because it feels so uncomfortable in my body when there's something unspoken that I will lean towards it. And I just want to encourage people, it is such a gift to you and to the relationship to speak your truth and not let it fester.
So I do just want to create safety for yourself, do it in relationships that you feel safe and practice leaning in and using these tools that we're sharing to have more vulnerable, you know, taking personal responsibility, having those conversations, because it's such a gift and it can be easy and it just keep practicing it because it's worth it. Yeah, absolutely.
One of my truths in the book, one of my chapters is you must tell the truth. So telling the truth is really, is really important because, and it starts with telling the truth to ourselves.
So yeah, having those important conversations are very important, but also timing, right? So it's not, you're not bringing up their relationship all day, all the time. And at times when they're in the middle of your partners in the middle of like a work meeting.
So I really do think timing, I keep coming back to this, but I do think the timing of these conversations and when we bring them up really truly determines how that conversation will go, the quality of the conversation. Yeah.
Setting it up for success. Yeah.
When you were talking earlier, when you were saying about the problems that people that you see in relationship, one of them was what I was hearing was not to talk about everything in one conversation. So like one disruption or one conflict at a time, I think it's an ego trap to be like, and back five years ago, you didn't invite me to this wedding.
And it's just, it's an ego trip to try to do all of it. So just like focusing on one conflict or one thing at a time is also another thing that I think is helpful that you've spoken to and I want to highlight.
Oh yeah. That's very, very, very important for sure.
I know there are people that genuinely don't have a reference point for what healthy conflict looks like or challenge in relationship and what unhealthy challenge looks like. Could you give us some examples just for people that just don't have that as a reference point? Well, I would also be very curious to hear your thoughts on it.
So we'll start with the unhealthy In my view view, unhealthy conflict, there's name calling, there's stonewalling, there's criticism of character, there's control, protest behavior, like I said, and also avoidance. So to me, that all falls under the category of unhealthy.
And of course, this should go without say. If there's violence of any kind, then that is a deal breaker.
So that to me in my book is unhealthy conflict. I think that sometimes voices will rise and things will get heated.
And, you know, that happens. I really think, though, that conflict is a part of relationship, but you shouldn't be spending a lot of your relationship.
There should be, you know, and this is the research of the Gottmans, there really should be two to three more times more positive memories and experience in your relationship than negative. So I do think that conflict is a part of relationships.
But if you are spending the majority of your time, the majority of your relationship is spent in conflict, something is wrong. And you need help.
So healthy conflict is listening to each other, having manners with each other, and just like basic manners and respect.

Let's not forget that.

You know, respecting the other person's point of view, respecting their feelings, not being critical or name-calling.

I think that healthy conflict is also, you know, truly healthy conflict, like advanced healthy conflict is it's you know it's it's you and me against this problem at least like the majority because sometimes like disempowered parts can come up and be like you're the problem right but yes for the majority yeah but when those things come up you want to take full responsibility and even if that's an hour later and you come back and you say, I'm really sorry, like I was not my best self. That was not cool of me.
I love you. Please forgive me.
Yeah. I love this.
And what I love about this work is that the same principles apply to working with the parts of ourselves as they do to parenting, the way that we can repair with kids and model, oh, I don't have to be a perfect parent. I can actually model this and share, I messed up and I love you and I'm learning.
I'm sorry. So same with any relationship that we learn it in, it applies to then every other relationship.
And there can be passion. You know, you can say, you know, I'm really angry right now.
Like I'm really fucking pissed off right now. You can do that without, without

attacking the other person and their character. I love that you said that.
Cause I don't think

that people have that disconnected the violence and the anger. Anger is totally allowed.
It gets

to be honored, but the, the way that it is expressed has containment. Has to have containment.

You can't be raging against the person. Yeah.
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I know that you've worked with so many people around finding fulfillment and relationships. Has there been a piece of advice that you feel like more people should know about or that you want more people to hear? I feel like I should be like, but like, that's it.
Like it starts with your relationship with yourself. The more you have struggled with relationships and maybe with your past, you might have to really confront a lot of triggering moments in a romantic relationship.
And it really starts with understanding who you are emotionally and what you bring to the table. So I would say that.
And then the second thing that I would say is who you choose, who you choose to be your life partner is the most important decision you'll ever make. And I think it's over 50% of the battle.
I think it's really selection and we're meant to get it wrong. I mean, I don't, you know, like it's okay.
You know, like if someone's like 20 years old and listening to this and thinking they're going to like have to make the right choice, like, no, I, I would say make a lot of wrong choices and have a lot of fun while you're doing that, you know, learn, but it's selection is very important. Yeah.
And it's like, whatever the problem or the pattern that that relationship is mirroring to you about yourself, you were going to play it out with one person or the next. And so like you're saying, it starts with you, which is your book that just came out.
I'm so excited. And we're going to talk more about it, but it's like, if that's mirroring back to you, then learn the lesson with whatever relationship you're in so that you can heal and resolve whatever that was looking to be met from your childhood being projected on that current relationship.
So you no longer have

to play it out and project it into the next relationship. So there's this like phase of

all relationships we have to go through to heal before we get to more of the like celebration

of love. We kind of graduate from that other initial phase.
So it's maybe not even the wrong

person. It's just, oh, this is what they're mirroring to me that is looking to be healed and met within me.
And you can do it in the relationship or you can do it within yourself, which is great. Yeah.
And one thing that I would say, and I don't even know if I actually mentioned this in this book, wish I did, but, but I'll say it here, which is understanding your partner, like profoundly, you're not going to understand everything about them because we're so complex and we barely understand ourselves. But if you could make understanding your partner

profoundly important to you, and that means if they are not your gender, understanding

a little bit about the psychology of men or women or whoever you date. So because

they've men and women have different

Thank you. a little bit about the psychology of men or women or whoever you date.
So because men and women have different, they're different, right? Or, and understanding what their dreams are, what their fears are, what makes them feel loved. A lot of us, and I understand this completely, we get into a relationship, our deepest craving is to be understood and to be loved.
A lot of us, and I understand this completely, we get into a relationship and our deepest craving is to be understood and to be loved for who we are and to have that thing, that love that somehow we are not able to give ourselves. We want that from someone else.
And when you enter a relationship, we forget that that person is seeking out the same thing. And so if people were just like, if they really want to become great partners and have healthier partnerships, and you love someone, become like a master of them.
And what I mean by a master of them, like you're mastering a skill, but the skill is them. Like you really understand them.
Because when we really understand someone, then we can more completely fulfill their needs. And people who are getting their deepest needs met by each other, they don't break up.
They don't cheat. They don't stray.
Sure. There are some people who cheat because that's their problem, but they don't break up.
Yeah. The other thing that's really, I think valuable in understanding yourself and your partner is when their stuff comes up, you don't take it personal.
And then you can hold that compassionate space like, oh, this tracks back to when they were young and they understand that they were looking for their love from their dad or whoever it may be. And now it's playing out currently.
But for me, when I've been able to hold that from my husband, where I understand where it comes from, then my brain doesn't make it mean it's personal and I get defensive. So then I hold a compassionate space to support him and more easily being there to support him and meeting his needs while also, you know, yes, and like inside and out.
So both of it. Yeah.
Both of it. You know, I had a thought about conflict since we were talking about that.
And I had a conversation recently with a really dear friend of mine and she's actually married to married to someone who's in many ways more emotionally in touch than she is. And that's usually if it's a man and a woman's married, it's usually the woman complaining about her husband or her spouse that he's not as emotionally in touch.
But he has a high degree of emotional intelligence intelligence. Now she has a high degree too, but he has a high degree of relational, like innate relational intelligence and wisdom that I think is just a part of his personality and also a part of what he was raised with and his parents.
And whenever they have a problem, the way that he approaches it, which she explained to me has been, you know, sometimes she's really resistant to it, but she does credit it for being what makes him such an amazing partner and what has made their marriage so strong, even in the midst of, you know, regular problems, is that when there's a problem, he's like, no, we're going to figure this out right now. We're going to figure this out.
Let's talk about this. Let's not avoid it.
Let's figure it out. Let's squash it.
Let's come to some understanding. And I really think that there is something extremely valuable for having that kind of commitment and dedication and involvement in your relationship that you're just willing to just do it right then and there.
You know, I know that when I say right then and there, it's just, I'm not saying, you know, maybe it's that evening, but there's no, there isn't an avoidance of it. I agree.
I think that's, I think that's courageous. And I think that's the foundation for deeper intimacy because the avoidance, if you're avoiding, you're going to grow apart, right? You're like, you were talking, your needs aren't going to get met.
There's resentment that builds up. You don't actually feel the intimacy and the vulnerability for sharing the truth underneath.
And as we were talking about conflict, I was also thinking if the, when you were saying some people are in conflict all the time, that could be a self-sabotaging pattern because they thought that their parent, maybe they saw their parents in conflict all the time and they think unconsciously that's what love means. Or when it's getting too good, they want to pull it down to their comfort zone, their safety zone.
Cause what's familiar is seems safe to the subconscious. And so it's like sometimes even watching when things are really good, breaking out into a conflict or blaming can be an unconscious way to sabotage and something to be mindful of.
I'm curious around sabotage and your experience, what have you seen around this pattern or if there's like a root cause or some of the things that people play out sabotaging their relationships? Oh man, there's so many. In service to people recognizing it so they don't get sucked into it unconsciously.
Yeah. Well, I would say let's just, I want to talk about people who are also single, who are having a hard time finding like, you know, building strong relationships and maybe they get into a lot of situationships or they get into these relationships where they're not treated that well.
Like a really common pattern is someone who, you know, I mean, every time they sabotage by keep going back to the person who they know they don't feel good with, but they have a weak moment where they feel lonely, or maybe things are actually going well in their life, and they think, oh, I can handle this now. I can handle this relationship now, or they're bored.
A lot of people will sabotage themselves when it comes to their romantic relationships because they're bored and they really value more adventure and excitement, but they haven't yet learned how to meet that need for themselves. So they seek out chaos in their love lives simply because they're bored or they don't feel like they have a lot of direction in life and they haven't yet learned how to live a life that they're meeting many of their needs.
So I think that's one of the most common in my practice, the most common sabotaging things that I've seen. I think there's also the people who

every time the relationship is going well, it's like, let me see if I can create a little drama because I don't know, because I'm bored, because- Unconsciously they don't feel safe. Yeah.
Yeah. Or I don't feel safe or I want to test the person to see how safe this relationship actually is.
So let me create a little drama to see if like, it's okay. Do they really love me even when I'm like, not my best? There's all these things that, I mean, the list goes on and on.
I'm curious to hear what are the major self-sabotaging moments. I mean, it loops back.
I think the biggest one I think you mentioned, and I want to highlight is blame. And I think that when a self-sabotaging pattern that people can play out is when, instead of speaking to the vulnerable truth underneath the defense, people hang out in defense, which is blame.
So for example, if I feel like my husband's too busy, instead of speaking from that defense, like you're too busy, you work too much. I could speak to the vulnerable truth underneath, which actually would create more of the intimacy of what I want, which could sound like the story I'm telling myself is that I'm not important to you anymore.
So there's personal responsibility and speaking the vulnerable truth, or even just like, I'm scared we're drifting apart. And it's not defensive, it's vulnerable, but that creates the intimacy, ironically, that we're looking for.
If we hang out in that defense, that protection mechanism, it actually creates the very thing we're avoiding. So if we are trying to avoid feeling like disconnected or rejected, if we speak from the defense mechanism, we will be rejected.
It's just, it's, it's a self-puffling prophecy. Exactly.
And so the courage, like we're speaking of to lean in, to create the safety and the vulnerability inside of ourselves. I talk about insourcing safety, really feeling that inside of ourselves to then be able to speak that, even long as there's some level of safety in that relationship, don't just do this with everyone.
As you practice that muscle, it's easier over time. And then the feedback is encouraging to keep going because it's like, I want this level of depth and intimacy in all my relationships.
Yeah. And it begins with self-regulation.
It's being able to take that pause before you're in reaction mode. And that's why it's very important to mitigate

resentment because once resentment takes over, it's very, very difficult to self-regulate

because it builds up like a pressure cooker inside of you.

How do you encourage people? I guess I have two questions. How do you encourage people to

move through that resentment? I heard you talk about let it go, but is there a practice

This is... How do you encourage people? I guess I have two questions.
How do you encourage people to move through that resentment? I heard you talk about let it go, but is there a practice or a tool or something people you find helpful? So two things. One is, so if you're resentful, you have to ask yourself two questions.
One is, is there something that I should be saying that I haven't been saying? That's the most important question. Because a lot of times it comes from a lack of communication.
And so we get in our heads and then we stew, right? We ruminate. And then the thing that we're upset about actually becomes this crazy story inside our heads.
What I mean by crazy, it just gets very big. It gets really big.
And so we ruminate, we ruminate, we ruminate. And then we're no longer in relation.
At that point, we're no longer in relationship with this person. We're in a relationship with the story that we have about the person.
And so we're not even seeing it anymore. Actually, what's happening is that we're looking at our partner and we have a filter right in front of our eyes.

And that filter is showing us mom, it's showing us dad, it's showing us our exes. And so the mind can really play tremendous tricks on us.
So is there something that you should be saying that you're not saying? And then number two is, what are your expectations of this person? And are they realistic? And are they understood and communicated about? That's great. Like having clear agreements, not unspoken expectations.
Yes. Because sometimes we don't even speak them.
That's great. Yeah.
I remember literally I had this guy that I was with before my husband. The moment I started putting the title of boyfriend on him, I watched, because I was doing a lot of mindfulness work, I watched all the expectations and new requirements

that I had of him because now he was labeled as my boyfriend.

I'm like, oh, that's fascinating.

So then I was able to share instead of unconsciously just put it on him.

But in the past relationships, because I wasn't doing as much mindfulness work, I wouldn't have been able to see that. So it's great.
And is it really their job, right? Is it really their job to be meeting all of those needs? And we can see how absurd some of those expectations can be. Well, you bring up something very interesting because, and this certainly does not apply to everyone.
There are lots of people who are commitment phobic and they won't commit. And I would say, you know, keep them to the curb, honestly, you know, if you're with them for a long time.
But I think that it's worth saying that there are people who fear that label because they've been trained by former partners to, as soon as they got that label, all of a sudden they had all these, they were being, their shoulders are being crushed by the weight of their partner's expectations. It's like, okay, now you're my boyfriend.
So now I'm expecting this, this, this, and this. And I think that that might, you know, if you're someone who, who does that, you know, who, who does have those expectations, consider what that might be doing to your partner.
Consider how that might actually be really overwhelming for them and want them to hide. Yeah.
And it's not their job. And it's too much pressure for any relationship to thrive.
And especially if we feel like a pressure cooker of, of a woman wanting to have a baby and wanting to have natural birth and, and feeling like, Oh, the time's clicking and I need to like tell this person and they can feel that. And it just doesn't set the relationship up to succeed.
So though I do think that should be communicated. I think that when there is a, um, when there's children involved and there is a biological clock, I think that, I think it needs to be discussed.
Yeah. It's just the, the, it can accelerate them dumping all their expectations really quickly to try to find out, is this the person or should I keep dating? For sure.
And the dating process? Yeah. A hundred percent.
A hundred percent. So, and with the resentment, if somebody has a lot of resentment, you know, you could, you could even just give resentment a voice.
You can, this is called a gestalt where you unconsciously just speak the resentment, not you, not to them, if they don't have that like clear agreement, can you hold, but you can just journal it. What would resentment say? So you get it out of your system.
You don't just bake in it and holding it in your body. Yeah.
There's different processes. Yes.
Yeah. But as we're talking about expectations and I'm curious for, you were talking about people that are in relationship or dating.
I know people ask, do I have realistic expectations or am I setting too high of standards? And I'm curious your thought about this because it's a big conversation. And it is a big conversation.
So this is how I kind of generally like approach this, figure out what is absolutely essential for you to thrive in a relationship, not, not your preferences, but what you really, really need. Based on that, you'll know you should have at least three to five deal breakers where even if you meet like what seems like the perfect person, you have your deal breakers.
All the rest tolerate. So figure out what that is.
Now, if you're thinking about what it is that you need, too high expectations. Okay.
So we have a tendency. There's two patterns.
I work with a lot of people where their standards are just too low oh but then yeah their standards are too low and they and they date down and they and they tolerate a lot of crap but what I will say is that people um there are people who have really high expectations they're expecting the perfect partner they're expecting the one like I work with both people there's two camps right's no one coming to save you. There's no perfect partner.
We all on an unconscious level, we have to really have a little laugh about this. We want someone to come into our lives to make up for whatever deficits we have in our character.
But there's no one coming into your life who's going to be perfect. Everyone has an inner child.
Everyone has their stuff. But being able to differentiate between what is the tolerable and the intolerable is a very, very important skill that I think people need to develop within themselves.
You're not going to find the perfect looking person with the perfect six pack, with the perfect bank account, who always is communicative and has no childhood trauma. It's just not going to happen.
And the thing is, none of us are perfect. So figure out what's absolutely essential.
You're like, if you're like, I need someone who's highly emotionally intelligent. Okay.
Are you? Yep. And what does that actually look like? But I think that you could say, you know, I've been in relationships with people who are very avoidant.
So you could have a deal breaker and say, not going to happen. Like, you know, they need to be able to have a conversation with me.
It is extraordinary to meet someone who lives primarily in their hearts and in their bodies rather than in their heads. And the person who lives more in their heart and are more connected to themselves, they are safer.
So fine if you want to find that person, but you have to cultivate that within yourself and you have to be willing to give safety to the other person as well. That's right.
And what I love about this, it's like I love that you're sharing, do you have it? Because that is the real reality check that we get to embody what it is that we want. And as we do that, then we don't need it with the same type of desperation or attachment for the other person to have it because we're sourced within ourself and we don't put up with anything less than we're offering ourselves.
We naturally don't date down. And so I love that.
It starts with you. We'll keep coming back to that before we get more of that.
Yeah. One of the powerful insights and ideas that you had was around sexual chemistry.
And I know you were talking about that sexual chemistry can sometimes cloud, you know, in the dating world, you're for people that are wanting to actually have deeper intimacy and not just sex. Can you talk to us about this? Because I know that having sex can cloud what I think you were saying was having sex can cloud some more judgment around choosing a partner.
So it's just a fact. Once the hormones are, and it happens a lot for women, especially women who have a high amount of estrogen in their bodies.
It's like once they sleep with someone, once they feel emotionally connected to someone, all this oxytocin comes up, you know, when we, it's, we are just, it's biological. We have chemistry with someone.
We are not going to see them very clearly. If we're lonely, you, if you compound that with a little bit of loneliness, which is nothing to be ashamed of, we live in a very lonely time.
And then you really want to, or you're like worried that you're not going to meet someone or your biological clock is ticking, whatever it is. And then you sleep with them.
You're going to, there's going to be a part of you that wants a relationship with them. And so I, for me personally, I'm not going to be in a relationship with someone where I don't feel safe.
And also I'm attracted to them. It's a deal.
However, however, if I'm like find someone very, very, and I'm very attracted to them, that doesn't mean I'm going to pursue a relationship with them that might that I have to actually put like the iron wall in front of me and be like, do not enter. Because I know that that's going to be problematic.
Chemistry can also build when you feel safe with someone, there's also you can have amazing spiritual chemistry with someone and then explore your sexuality with that person. So there's lots of different things.
But what people have to understand is that all those feelings that you feel in the beginning are actually quite dangerous emotionally because they can't have the potential to be dangerous emotionally because they can actually make it so that you are not seeing the red flags. It can make it that you're lying to yourself.
It can make it so that you're just like rushing to seal the deal with this person. So I really do think that, um, processing your enthusiasm, reminding yourself that you're feeling a lot of attraction for someone, but you really, you have to be so incredibly dedicated to whatever intention you have going into a dating scenario.

And I would say if you're someone who tends to fall quickly, you got to really, really slow it down.

So chemistry can really mess with us, can really mess with us if we don't know our value, if we don't know what it is that we absolutely want in a relationship. And so, yeah, I hope that answered your question.
Yeah, it does. Yeah.
I think it's a great reminder for people that want something deeper so they don't get clouded by all the hormones. And I know that you just had a book come out.
I'm so happy to help share this in the world, The Nine Hard Truths About Love. Can you share with us one or two of the truths that you find really powerful? I know you spoke to one of them about speaking your truth.
So give us just a taste of some of the magic that you're sharing here. Yeah.
So the book is called It Begins With You, The Nine Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Life. Well, I think for the purposes of our conversation today, since we talked a lot about communication and conflict resolution, there is a truth about that your mind is a battlefield.
And so we have to really be very mindful of the stories that we tell ourselves about ourselves and the stories that we tell ourselves about the person who we're dating or in a relationship with or married to, because some of us can have a pretty bad habit of getting stuck in our heads and creating this, well, if they love me then, or if they did this or this or that, and we do that instead of communicating. And we also do that.
And then we, we go, we, we like almost are like fighting this silent war with our partner that they don't even know that they're a part of because we've gotten so in our heads and we create all these conditions. Like, like I said, well, if they love me, then they would do this and this and that.
And I think the art is building a strong relationship. Part of what the nuance of that art is mindfulness.
And so being mindful of when your mind is really taken over and you're not thinking clearly and you're creating a lot of stories. That is huge.
That is the foundation. Otherwise you just go back to your unconscious programming and play out all the childhood wounds without and re-triggering each other without having any self-awareness to pop out of it.
Yeah, that's beautiful. What of the nine truths do you think is hardest for people to accept? I think that the hardest one is going to be recognizing that, you know, you're going to, it does begin with you, but I really try to encourage people that that's a great, great, great thing because it means that you can create change.
I also think the last one about making peace with your parents.

And I talk a lot about that. And I do put a disclaimer in the book that if you were severely abused or molested, that this is, I give a little section to people who may be experiencing that.
I don't expect you to, like, you know, make peace with your parents. That's a whole different process.
But that aside, and it doesn't necessarily have to, you don't necessarily have to have had a troubling relationship with a parent. It could be the peace that you make with your parent could be finally allowing yourself to be who you want to be in the world rather than who you believe that they expect you to be.
You know, making peace with your parents is, you know, doing what's right for you rather than trying to please them constantly. Making peace might be, you know, I had a very complicated relationship with my father.
Making peace is maybe starting to see them in a different light. And it's starting, it doesn't, it doesn't mean that if you do have a troubling relationship with your parent, it doesn't mean, okay, well, now you're going to have a great relationship.
It's all going to be like rainbows and unicorns and lollipops. But if you can change some of the story and the beliefs that you have about your relationship with them or about them, and you can start to soften the ego and soften yourself inside to be able to see

things a little bit differently so that you can be free, so that you can go into a relationship

without having your mommy or daddy issues control the entire relationship, so that you can be in

control of your destiny when it comes to your relationship versus an outdated story or your

Thank you. relationship so that you can be in control of your destiny when it comes to your relationship versus an outdated story or your past.
And I think that that's going to be very helpful for people, but I think at first it might be somewhat confronting and it might be emotional for some people. It's so worth it.
And so worth it, you know, like freedom to really do that work. It's life changing.
I'm wondering if there's a story of your own or a client that you've worked with that's really embodied one of these truths and how that really changed things for them. Well, I can tell a little bit of my own story.
One of the truths is, you know, no one is coming to save you. And what I would say is, it's not like I ever had this conscious intellectual belief that like, yeah, some knight in shining armor is going to come in and rescue me.
But unconsciously, and this is a lot of the programming that we all have from literature and art and films and rom-coms, unconsciously I had this hope, this dream, this belief that with the so-called right person, I was somehow going to be transformed.

And the paradox is that love can be transforming and love can be healing.

But my stuff is still my stuff. And I'm still going to have to face it.
And if I want to keep this right person, I'm definitely going to have to face it. And so, you know, in the beginning, when we're in the honeymoon stage, you know, we're like, okay, wow, I'm not anxious anymore.
I'm not depressed anymore. I'm not worried about this other thing because we're in such a elevated heightened state of euphoria.
It's like we're on drugs. And then when things start to settle and we're like, oh, you're a real person.
I'm a real person. We're not belonging on any pedestals.
Like we actually have to like do this thing called a relationship and that's going to require some work. We have, it can be a very rude awakening of like, oh, you know, my depression is still there.
My anxiety is still there. My problems are still there.
Or, you know, this person is not responsible for my happiness. I actually really have to learn how to have my own back while, while also balancing that with some interdependence with this person.
And this, this is not an easy task for most people. And so, um, for me, it was like learning how to be financially independent.
For me, it was learning that, um, that fulfillment, that, that a relationship can add to my fulfillment, a person can add to my fulfillment, but whatever I struggle with, Like love is not actually going to save the entire day.

So, um, learning how to meet my needs, learning how to kind of save myself so that I can enter a relationship. I don't believe that the bullshit that you have to be fully whole, because I don't think we're ever fully whole.
But, and though there might be things that you really do need to fill within yourself, whether that's through your other, other friendships or community. So that when you enter a relationship, you realize like this person was not put on this earth to make me happy.
That's actually not their job. And it's not my, I wasn't put on this earth to just make someone else happy.
And once you can really, really embody that, I think relationships transform. Yeah.
And I love that it begins with you because then it doesn't matter if you're in relationship or not, if your partner's available to do the work or not, you get to do this work and it changes your life. What a gift.
What a gift to have you. Thank you for your magic.
Thank you for your wisdom. Thank you for coming on.
I know my audience is going to want to stay connected. Talk to us about where they can find you and also just where they find your book.
Yeah, well, first I just want to just thank you for having me on. I really appreciate you.
This was a really lovely conversation. And thank you.
So yeah, you know, my first and last name. So to get the book, it's JillianTarecki.com slash book.
I'm all over Instagram, TikTok, YouTube. I have my podcast, Jillian on Love.
That's where you can find me. We'll put all the links in the show notes below.
Thank you, Jillian. Thank you so much.
I appreciate you. Same.
Thank you so much for doing this work that changes the world starting with yourself. It truly does make a difference.
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