3 Myths About Love to Rethink for Happier Relationships - From a Former Marriage + Family Therapist | EP 63

I see everyone as your soulmate. Everyone is helping you evolve your soul.
We can use every relationship to grow from, not just a special one. I know that this doesn't sound very romantic, it's probably why it's not very popular and nobody's going to come save you, but everyone is here to help you and show you parts of yourself that you haven't seen.
We're going to dive into unpacking three common relationship myths that keep us stuck and struggling in love and in finding the one. Myth number one, I have to choose the right partner.
This puts a lot of pressure in relationships and a lot of it's influenced by Disney or in Hallmark movies. The second myth that I hear is that happy couples don't fight.
The third and last myth that I want to debunk is if it's right, it'll be easy. One thing my husband and I will do if we are really in it and we don't want to take a break to regulate ourselves, what we'll do is welcome back to the Healing and Human Potential podcast, where today we're going to dive into unpacking three common relationship myths that keep us stuck and struggling in love and in finding the one.
And so whether you're in relationship or not, we'll dive into how to use these myths because they might be blocking you from greater levels of intimacy and connection that you really crave. And having worked with countless couples when I was a marriage and family therapist, I've seen and heard it all.
And so I want to share with you why I don't believe in soulmates or being with the wrong one, and instead share a perspective that invites more healing, freedom, and authenticity into how we relate. Let's dive in and kick it off with myth number one.
I have to choose the right partner. So this puts a lot of pressure in relationships, and a lot of it's influenced by Disney or in Hallmark movies, really inflating this idea that there's a perfect person out there that completes us or fills all our needs.
And the truth is you really can't mess it up. So everyone is the right one for right now, if you're with them, but please know that I'm never supporting abuse in any form.
So just putting that aside, there are gifts and lessons in any relationship that you're in. And so whether you choose to stay with them or not, my recommendation is to use the relationship that you're in or you're getting triggered by to support you in healing the patterns that are playing out.
So you don't have to play it out with the next person. You get the lesson wherever you are, and then you have clarity about what's right for you.
It becomes more obvious if you want to stay or go. And then in this way, you also don't have to just keep projecting those same patterns moving forward.
And since everybody is a mirror for us, we're going to be drawn to people who have similar wounds that match our childhood patterns, giving us an opportunity to meet and heal those parts of us that are looking to be seen and loved within us. Again, it doesn't mean that you have to stay with them, but people usually want to know the answer.
Like, should I stay? Should I go? And in my experience, it's a lot easier to know the truth of if you should stay or go once you've healed the filter that you're looking at that question from. Usually people are trying to avoid not healing it by finding somebody else, but you just take the pattern with you.
So for example, let's say that I have a wound from childhood where I didn't feel chosen by my dad. And so then I attract men who also don't choose me.
So I do that because it's familiar and it's the filter that I'm seeing life from, right? From childhood got set in. This isn't bad, but when it comes up, it's actually good so that you can see it and start choosing the part of you that didn't feel chosen.
That's how you do the work. And then it's going to be easier for our partners to choose us when we've done that, since we don't have all the pressure on them and we're not viewing it from the defense mechanism, blocking the love that we're wanting.
If you don't heal that wound from childhood, even if you're currently with somebody that's choosing you, it wouldn't feel like they're choosing you because you're viewing it from that lens still. And so how you might play this out is through a defense mechanism where you tell yourself that there aren't any good people out there, good guys out there, so that you can avoid not being vulnerable and not feeling chosen.
Or you might think that you need a new partner and you're finding faults in the one that you're with, settling for perfectionistic ideals as a way to subconsciously sabotage and not let somebody in so that you don't feel hurt by not being chosen. But all of this would only keep you looped in the pattern that you'll continue attracting the same relationships and patterns.
Does that make sense? And so you want to do the inner work to be with a part of you that feels vulnerable and not chosen, and you start choosing it. And from here, you reprogram these patterns.
Once you've healed it in you, you either notice that your partner has been choosing you and the relationship works, and it was just that filter that was really blocking you to see it. Or now that you're choosing yourself, you're no longer drawn to people who don't choose you and you're not so upset about it, but you just move on.
It's neutral. And so it's easier for you when you get the deeper gift that that relationship was inviting you into choosing yourself above all else.
And then nobody else can take that away from you. And that's what you were really craving and wanting anyway.
I find the spiritual version of this is finding your soulmate or your twin flame. And I see everyone as your soulmate.
Everyone is helping you evolve your soul. We can use every relationship to grow from, not just a special one.
I don't believe in an egoic one. I know that this doesn't sound very romantic.
It's probably why it's not very popular and nobody's going to come save you, but everyone is here to help you and show you parts of yourself that you haven't seen. And when you use them as your mirror, you start to wake up to a bigger love that is within everyone.
You discover a love that can't be contained by just one person. And that's a bigger love that I'm about and what I speak to in my four stages of love podcast.
So one process that you can use to support you and really being the one is to write down all the qualities that you want in a partner and then really assess for yourself. How much are you living and embodying showing up for yourself in those ways? So this becomes the directions that you start embodying for yourself

rather than waiting for somebody else to save you. You don't outsource that love.
And then from here, you'll attract somebody who shows up for you in ways that you've wanted, but you don't put up with anything less than you're already giving yourself, right? It comes from this neutral place of really embodying your inherent worth and value. It's super empowering.
There's less pressure on somebody else, and it allows the relationship to unfold naturally without all the fear, lack, and manipulation. The second myth that I hear is that happy couples don't fight.
So disagreements and misunderstandings are going to happen, especially in long-term relationships. And don't get me wrong, it's not about arguing all the time.
It's not about not having any arguments. Those are both red flags, but it is about how you navigate conflict and challenging conversations.
That's important. And you can use those situations to grow closer together to actually support your healing.
And so one thing that I've used with couples is to map out how they want to fight in advance.

So they have a roadmap before they get lost in their defense mechanisms.

Because when we get upset, we oftentimes lose our ability to see clearly, right? We don't have that higher functioning reasoning on board and we go into our reptilian, more survival brain. And so if both partners are open to it, I find it really helpful to be able to map that out in advance so that you can keep the connection and navigate challenges with more ease.
But something else that I want you to be aware of when you're fighting that can often happen is these defense mechanisms come up. Some people go within and other people get more reactive.
And so you can call these different patterns, the turtle and the tiger. So oftentimes we're with somebody and we play out the opposite where the tiger gets louder and is more expressive and the turtle closes down and starts shutting off.
You can switch the dynamic depending on who you're with, but these are ways that we unconsciously look to protect ourselves. They're not bad.
They're just defense mechanisms. And so once you know what yours are, you're going to be able to understand how to speak your needs consciously and navigate when these things come up instead of unconsciously playing them out.
So for turtles, instead of just closing down to create safety, you want to communicate that you just need a little time for yourself to center. And then you'll come back to the conversation within a specific period of time and tell your partner that so that they don't feel abandoned and then they get louder, right? Tell them I'll be back in five minutes.
And then ideally as you access more safety, it's easier for the turtle to open up and then the tiger not to get as loud so that you can meet in the middle and connect more easily. One thing my husband and I will do if we are really in it and we don't want to take a break to regulate ourselves, what we'll do is we'll want to express the energy by saying, can you hold? This is a code word for us to check in.
Can I express this part of me unconsciously, really ham it up without you taking it personally? Can you actually hold space for me? And then if they say yes, you get to express whatever you're feeling. So maybe you want to just ham up the victim or your anger or your sadness.
The important part is that you exaggerate what you're feeling because then you can see how absurd this part is. And all it wanted to do was to be allowed and to express.
And oftentimes we end up just laughing and connecting over it because it's so crazy. For example, if I want to ham up one of my characters, I might be like, you're always wrong.
And we both know that I'm right. So let's just stop pretending that you think you know what's happening here.
Right. And so you can play with it, have fun with your partner.
I would say that this is a more advanced technique. And so you can try it with your partner or a friend.
Just make sure that you

do set up the permission in the beginning, because that's most important to create that safety.

Imagine having a fulfilling career, doing what you love, working from anywhere in the world,

setting your own hours while making good money and a big impact. If that lights you up, I'm super excited to share with you today's sponsor, the Institute for Coaching Mastery.
This is my robust, accredited, year-long certification program for newer seasoned coaches, therapists, leaders, and those just looking to up-level their life in a profound way. We have an amazing community of students from all around the world who have really started their journey to expand with us both personally and professionally.
And this experience is designed to give you the three things that you need to thrive. So first you have all of the tools and support you need to move past what's been holding you back so that you can completely change the trajectory of your life.
And then you learn how to masterfully and confidently facilitate transformation with your clients or your team, regardless of your niche, if you want to do health, business, relationship, or you just have no idea yet, we hold your hand through that. And then lastly, you'll receive my six figure and beyond signature roadmap that's customizable to meet you wherever you are.
So whether you want to do high ticket sales, online marketing, or you just want to hit six figures without ever needing to go on social

media, we've got you covered. And this truly is the most rewarding work in the world.
We have

new students now who have a wait list of dream clients in under a year. We also have seasoned

students who are doing $80,000 months. And this is really about creating lasting transformation

from the inside out so that you can share your gifts and serve the world in all the ways that you're called to. And I've seen firsthand the power of what happens when you have the community to collaborate with, but you also have the right tools and resources to really thrive.
And so whether you want to do your own personal development, you're wanting to become a coach, or you're just looking for a cutting edge approach to really grow your business, the Institute for Coaching Mastery is for you. You are held every single step of the way.
And so if you want to get behind the scenes access to the Institute with three proven transformational tools for free to help you create the business and life you love, all you have to do is go to alistanobriga.com forward slash tools, or you can find us at alistanobriga.com forward slash apply now to see all the details and apply today. Okay.
So the third and last myth that I want to debunk is if it's right, it'll be easy. If you want to have a strong relationship, you have to be willing for it to be hard at times too, right? Have those hard conversations to really face what's true.
I run towards those conversations because I know the power and intimacy that happens through having those conversations. It's not easy and I know people don't run towards them, but I promise you as you navigate and have the tools to have those conversations, it creates so much intimacy and depth.
And just like in life, there are going to be different stages of growth. And for all of us, when we get into relationship, there's a lot of healing work to do.
And so know that every relationship will go through this at some point. It's not bad.
You're going to go through it with this person or a few others until you've really done the deeper work. And so if you're willing to lean into those difficult conversations, really look honestly at yourself and welcome whatever you're feeling, you're going to learn how to evolve and move beyond this stage.
It's just that when we avoid doing the deeper work or having those conversations that makes relationships hard. And so think of it like a garden where you've pulled out all of the weeds, right? You've done the excavating work, meaning like the big chunks of core wound work.
After that, it gets a lot easier. You're still going to tend to that garden, but just when things sprout, you're going to be able to do more maintenance work, right? So this is when you graduate beyond the healing phase, and that's when it starts getting easier.
And so it's not to say that things, you're not going to have disagreements at times, but again, it's just more maintenance. And so if you do have the tools, the emotional maturity and an understanding of what your patterns are, what your partner's patterns are, how you play it out together, you're going to be able to navigate those hard conversations and moments with way more ease and trust.
If you don't know what your core patterns are, or if you're in a relationship and you don't know what your partner's core patterns are, finding out what those are are going to save you years of unnecessarily struggling in your relationship. And so I've created for you a love quiz that takes about 15 minutes and you can do it on your own.
You can do it with friends. You can do it with your partner to really help you understand and become more aware of what you're playing out.
Because when you see what's going on under the hood, you don't get sucked into unconsciously playing them out, but you can also more easily receive the love that you're wanting because you're aware of what you've placed as a barrier in front of it. This quiz is free, so I'm happy to share it with you.
If you're interested, you can go to alistanobriga.com forward slash love quiz, or I'll also link it in the show notes below. And the great thing about this work is that you can do it on your own or in relationships to help you heal.
I know when I was first starting to do this work, my best friend and I, we were single. So we just used our friendship to do the deeper work of pulling those weeds, helping us really get to the root so that when we were in relationship, we wouldn't kind of play out those same dynamics.
So if you do have a partner, but you're wondering if you should stay or go again, I recommend first working with what's coming up inside of you, getting the deeper gifts and lessons of why you attracted them in your life so that you can complete those patterns. And then again, it's going to be a lot easier to have the clarity about if you should stay or go.
And then you also just don't need to keep bringing those same patterns with you to the next relationship. Maybe your partner isn't interested in doing this work or isn't emotionally available.
You get to still do this work on your own. You can use a trained psychotherapist, a trained coach to really help navigate what's coming up for you.
Because thank God you don't need somebody else to do the work for you to get free. If your partner does want to do the work with you and you're wondering how you can support them on their journey, it's really about you doing your work.
That's a gift to you and to them. It's going to make everything easier.
You're projecting less unconscious stuff onto them. And then you don't have to get all caught up in their patterns because as you do your work, it makes it easier for them to do theirs.
You have fewer unconscious patterns that are getting all tied up like a Christmas tree light in with their patterns. And you could be in the same relationship, but after you do your work, it's a completely different relationship because those filters and those patterns aren't playing out.
And when one person and the dance changes, the whole dance changes. And I personally find it powerful to have somebody

that's trained hold space for me and show me some of my blind spots. So if you have the budget to let yourself receive that, I highly recommend it.
And there are other free resources that are available for you if you don't. You can also have a skilled friend help hold space for you and really help you welcome the different parts of yourself that you've maybe disenfranchised or not fully loved.
But what I have found that really helped catapult my healing was when I took a proactive approach, I did a year long immersive container like my certification program to heal the patterns directly inside of myself. When we work at things from the root, we no longer have to play them out with our partner or kids or our employees or our colleagues.
And it literally up levels every area of our lives. With my husband, we did a two-year master's program, which literally laid the foundation for the relationship that we have now.
And it's actually where we met and he was in the grade behind me. So we were doing our work separately.
And then later we started doing it together. And so you never really want to push people into this work because that's like the least inviting way to have them get excited about doing personal development work.
For me, it was a non-negotiable that I'd be with somebody who was doing the work alongside me, not because I needed it from them, but because it's such an important part of my life. And I have about a handful of deal breakers, this being one of them.
So we can talk more about that in other podcasts. But I want you to know that building a thriving relationship is available to you.
It's available to everyone. I just recommend prioritizing doing the work, pulling the weeds as soon as they come up, not avoiding it.
And I know there are different schools of thought out there. Some saying you're 100% responsible for your inner experience.
Others say if it happened in relationship, it needs to be healed in relationship. And I'm more of a yes and, but in that order.
So yes, to having the tools to navigate our inner world, to get free independently, and yes to navigating it in relationship if that's available for us, but then we don't create codependency. And the other thing I want to note is that some people get into this work thinking that something's wrong with them or that they're broken, thinking that they need to do all of this work.
And I just want to be clear that I'm not giving you these tools or talking about these perspectives to fix you. There's nothing wrong with you.
Maybe you're thinking, but these things can enhance our relationship and just receive love easier and help you heal. But I want to just help you come from a place of doing it for the love of it.
Like my husband and I love doing this work. We will always be in therapy and coaching and proactively using our time and our money to grow closer together because our life gets freer and I feel more love as a result.
So why not? But it's also helped us prioritize ourselves and our relationship, especially when the kids were younger. And so it's a staple and I just highly recommend it, not thinking that it's something's wrong, but because of the love of it.
And so obviously this work affects our kids and how we parent and every other area of our life. And one other thing that I'll just share that's helped us is prioritizing speaking our truth instead of avoiding.
So taking personal responsibility and not blaming each other. Blame is super toxic.
It does not help. I've literally had to work with the part of me that thought that I was doing something wrong when my husband wasn't happy.
And this stems back to childhood. I can see where it comes from, but knowing this helps me not blame myself or my husband, right? I can see it rather than getting sucked into it.
And so I can see also that whether I was with my husband or somebody else, I would have projected that same misunderstanding and pattern onto them. And so anytime my husband shares something that he's having a hard time with, I get to be with the part of me that doesn't take it personally, thinking that I need to change for him to be okay so that then I'm okay, right? I get to be with the part of me that doesn't feel okay.
So I insource my okayness independent of my husband, and that makes it easier to connect with him. But I don't want to make it his job that he has to make that part okay, because he's going to obviously be triggered or going through his own thing.
And so we get to tend to those parts of ourselves, either on our own or have a relationship help hold that safety to do our own work. And there are a lot of techniques for him to help hold that space and that part of me while I do the work or to help me even heal that if he's available.
But again, I know how to navigate it if he doesn't. And so him doing this work with me is a bonus.
It's a gift. It's a blessing, but it's not a dependency.

So just as a recap, in closing, myth one is I have to choose the right one. Do not worry.
You cannot mess this up. Everyone is a mirror for you, showing you how to love that part of yourself.
Myth two is happy couples don't fight. So the truth is conflict is normal and becoming self-aware helps you navigate those conversations more easily.
And do you create safety by turtling in or becoming a tiger, getting louder and more expressive? And if you're inspired, create a roadmap for how you want to navigate disagreements. And then lastly, the third myth is that the relationship is right if it's easy, right? It gets to be easier after you've done the deeper healing work, but you don't just want to think that because your stuff's coming up, it's not the right person.
It's coming up so that you can heal it. That's the gift.
So that you can really enjoy the garden that you've created, but only after you've done the deeper excavating work. Again, you would have played it out with them or someone else.
It's good news that we don't need our partner to do this work, right?

We know what our childhood wounds are, and then we can more easily heal them at the root

with your partner, with yourself, with a friend, with a therapist or a coach.

And if you want a free quiz to support you in understanding what you value in relationship

and what blocks you from receiving the love that you really want, again, in relationship or not, I created one for you and you can have it for free. alistinabriga.com forward slash love quiz.
And what I would recommend that you do is put on a buyer, get a cozy, nice drink and do it with your partner, your best friend, or on your own. It's empowering to know that as we change, our relationships change.
And so I hope that this has helped you on your healing journey.

Feel free to share it with a friend you think it'll serve.

Thank you so much for doing this work that changes the world, starting with yourself.

It truly does make a difference.

And if you're finding value in this podcast, a cost-free way to support us is by leaving

an up to five-star review.

It does mean the world to us.

And as a thank you gift, we're going to send you one of the most powerful tools that you will ever discover. You're going to get behind the scenes access, showing you how to live into your full potential without letting fear hold you back from stepping into your dreams.
Just head over to Apple Podcast or Spotify and leave a review. Now you can take a screenshot before hitting submit, and then go alistinobriga.com forward slash podcast to upload it.
And make sure to have your automatic downloads turned on wherever you listen so you don't miss any of the upcoming episodes.

I have so much magic. I can't wait to share with you.
And you can find all this information in the

show notes below. But lastly, if you're on Instagram, I love connecting and hearing from

you. So come on over and say hello.
I'm at Alistin Obriga. Thank you again for being here.
I cannot wait to share more with you.