#48 Ben

Yeah.

Hey, what are you going to say at my funeral?

Oh, shut up.

Here, let me set you up.

And now, coming to the podium, Dr.

Jackie Cohen.

I'm not doing this.

I can give you notes.

Speak from the heart.

I can't do it.

It makes you too sad.

It makes me feel too annoyed.

So, you're going to be too annoyed to give me a eulogy at my funeral?

I might listen.

I might jot down a few words.

Would the word genius be in there?

God, no.

Saint?

Saintly.

Try, young, keep going.

Generous.

Generous to a fault.

Generous.

Wise.

I give you warm.

Okay.

Caring.

It's nice.

Belligerent.

You would use the word belligerent in my eulogy.

I'm having to look up the word belligerent because I'm not even sure what that means.

Oh, yeah, hostile and aggressive.

Actually, you know what?

That would be me.

I'm belligerent.

Dude, it's hostile and aggressive.

From Gimlet Media, I'm Jonathan Goldstein and this is Heavyweight.

Today's episode, Ben.

Right after the break.

This is an iHeart podcast.

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Hi, Jonathan.

Hi, Ben.

How are you?

I'm doing okay.

This is Ben.

He's speaking to me from his office, which is also his baby's room.

He doesn't actually sleep in this room.

He actually sleeps in the bathroom.

At some point, he's going to demand

a room without a toilet.

Exactly.

Maybe it has to do with becoming a dad.

But lately, Ben's been reconsidering his own childhood.

Whereas my childhood was marked by shenanigans, tomfoolery, and a generous helping of Hokey Pokey, Ben's was not.

When he wasn't much older than his son is now, barely a toilet-free tot fresh out of the toilet room, Ben possessed the seriousness and determination to have already mapped out his life's life's goal.

I had this purpose where I was going to grow up, I was going to get good grades, I was going to get into a good college, get into a good med school, and become a physician.

Ben's purpose was so all-consuming that even in elementary school, he devised his own homework and TV schedule.

And in high school, Ben didn't go out and party.

Instead, he split his free time between playing piano and golf and volunteering at a local hospital, activities designed to look good on a college application.

To my ears, Ben's description of his childhood sounds like a cross between Doogiehauser and Casperhauser.

But eventually, his hard work paid off.

Ben became a doctor.

But it wasn't without a cost.

Looking back, Ben doesn't regret the parties he missed, the cheap booze he might have drank, or the parking lot donuts he might have donutted.

He regrets something else entirely.

Now

that I'm older, I can reflect and

I had blinders on

so much that I was not aware of people who were hurting near me.

When Ben says people, what he really means is one person in particular.

In keeping his head down, focused as he was on success for all those years, Ben fears he might have ignored someone who really needed him.

My cousin, Shihan.

Sheehan, a boy Ben hasn't seen in 20 years.

To explain, Ben takes me back to his childhood in Anchorage, Alaska.

He was 14 years old on the golf course one day when he saw his mom walking towards him.

Beside her was a boy, maybe a couple years older than Ben, and like Ben, he was Korean.

His mother introduced him as his cousin, Sheehan.

Sheehan, Ben's mom said, had just arrived from Korea and was now going to be living with them.

And I didn't think twice about it, and I just started calling him my cousin.

You didn't know the backstory.

You didn't know whether he was going to be staying with you forever.

No,

this story is full of question marks for me.

Ben says he eventually learned Sheehan wasn't really his cousin.

They weren't related at all.

But he didn't learn a whole lot more.

Back then, Ben didn't ask a lot of questions.

In the evening, Ben's parents worked at a deli they owned.

This meant that Ben, an only child, spent a lot of time alone.

But now with Sheehan in the house, he found reasons to go a little easier on his homework TV schedule.

Reasons to just be a kid for a while.

In the process, Ben and Sheehan grew to become best friends, in spite of their differences.

While Ben was always so serious and studious, Sheehan had a lightness about him.

While Ben's ambition was to become a doctor, the most parent-approved of career paths, Sheehan wanted to be a film critic, the most, I promise if it doesn't work out, I'll go to law school, of career paths.

On Sunday nights, they watched WWE SmackDown, the dulcet tones of Creed pouring through the air as the Undertaker soared free from off the ring post.

And it wasn't just watching wrestling on TV, Ben says, but wrestling for real.

As soon as his parents left for the deli, Ben, taking his lead from the rock, would turn up his boombox, kick open Shihan's bedroom door, and with that, it was go time.

My parents don't even know this, and I'm sure if they ever hear this, if this comes to the light of day, they'll be mortified.

But we would take the camcorder,

and there's these huge armoires, probably like eight feet tall.

And we would climb up to the top and we would jump all the way down to the other person who's laying.

Hold on.

Like the top rope in the wrestling rink.

Oh, my God.

And we broke every bed in the house.

And oh, man, I loved doing that with my cousin.

Ben still has a video of Sheehan practicing one of his signature moves outside in the Alaskan snow.

Outside the house, everything is blindingly white.

Ben counts Sheehan down.

Six,

four.

Sheehan climbs onto the balcony's top railing.

And then Sheehan does a full front flip off the porch, landing onto his back in a foot of snow.

And that's where the video stops.

But it isn't where the night would end.

Eventually, Ben's parents would return from the deli, and his mom would check in with the boys about their schoolwork.

Ben's mom took Sheehan's success as personally as she did Ben's.

I'm probably going to

rehash many stereotypes of Korean mothers, but she definitely fit the mold in the sense that she instilled in me a very strong work ethic and expectations that were sometimes never able to be reached.

And Ben's mom held Sheehan to the same high bar as she did her own son.

This meant that for Shihan, who'd been dropped into an American high school with almost no English, every day was a struggle.

Here's somebody who's similar to my age, plucked out of their country.

now has to speak a different language, held to this bar that's even tough for me to meet.

Yeah.

And like,

if I knew he was going to get a C in something, they're going to get into it for like an hour downstairs.

Like, I'm going to my room.

I'm shutting the door.

I don't want to hear it.

Shutting the door was Ben's go-to, what he needed to do to stay focused.

But in doing so, he was also shutting out his friend.

And aside from his mom's pressure, Ben says Xi'an's life was hard in other ways.

Drunk guys yelling, go back to your country.

Kids at school making fun of his English.

Ben was born in Alaska.

His mom was Korean, but his dad was white.

He says he was able to camouflage more than Sheehan could.

Sheehan could never escape the daily grind of being an outsider.

When high school ended, Ben went off to college in Washington.

while Sheehan, whose grades weren't as good, remained in Anchorage with Ben's parents and attended a local school.

The boys kept in touch, but as college life grew busier, they spoke less and less.

And then, at the end of his second year, Ben received a phone call from home.

His parents told him that after two years of struggling in school, Shihan was calling it quits and going back to Korea.

It was just like how he came,

same way he left.

After six years together, six years of being a family, Ben and Sheehan never even got to say goodbye.

And once again, Ben didn't ask any questions.

Ben says that until recently, his recollections of Shihan were largely fun and silly ones, kids wrestling on a bed kind of things.

But now as a dad, perhaps imagining his own kid alone in a faraway place, he finds himself recalling different memories, ones that are causing him a lot of guilt.

I can...

more clearly think about the times where I would go to the restroom and I would see him just kind of at his desk and he wasn't really doing anything.

As a kid, Ben couldn't understand what Sheehan was going through, but now he can.

And he regrets that all those years ago, he never tried to put himself in Sheehan's shoes.

I never took the time to truly ask him how he was doing.

Back then, Ben didn't ask Sheehan any questions.

But now that he's older, is in fact a grown-ass doctor with a baby living in his toilet, he's full of them.

And he wants answers.

Who was Sheehan?

And how did he come to live with them?

And perhaps most importantly,

I want to know that he's safe and he's happy.

I just want to know that Shihan's doing okay.

But that hasn't been easy to find out.

The last time Ben heard from Sheehan was when he emailed him an invitation to his wedding over 10 10 years ago.

Sheehan wrote back saying he couldn't make the trip.

Ben continued to send emails over the years, but they went unanswered.

Maybe Sheehan was holding a grudge, upset Ben had never been there for him.

But Ben didn't give up.

At one point, he took to Reddit looking for tips on how to find his friend.

One of the commenters was able to use an old screen name of Xi'an's to place him at a movie preview in Seoul.

They sent Ben a video of the event, but Sheehan was nowhere to be found.

In a last-ditch effort, Ben even tried to find Shihan physically.

On vacation with his wife in China, he took a detour through Korea.

The mission was to find my cousin.

But the mission was a failure.

At this point, Ben doesn't even know if Shihan is alive or dead.

And that's why he's come to me.

What can I do?

Is it a common name?

Shion,

that's not a super common first name, so...

This is going to be more like a Gerald Smith.

Let's Google Gerald Smith and see what that comes up with.

A lot of Gerald Smiths, I'll tell you.

The first one who comes up was the clergyman, politician, and Nazi sympathizer.

To be clear, I'm journalist enough to track down 100 Korean Gerald Smiths.

But I wonder if it wouldn't be easier to just ask Ben's mom for Shihan's whereabouts.

Ben balks at the idea, though.

Since Xi'an's departure in 2006, it's like he never existed at all.

Ben says that over the years, he and his parents have hardly ever talked about Shihan.

For his mom, especially, the subject of Shihan and her failure to help him succeed is forbidden territory.

If something is not

a success in her life,

I stay very far away from those because I imagine in my interpretation is my mom experiences those memories as pure pain.

Like the deli, for instance.

Once it folded in 2010, his mom could never bring herself to even set foot in the mall it was in.

Have you considered talking with your father?

I haven't.

Honestly, that's...

Me and my parents, we don't talk about deep things ever.

Deep things like, who was that boy who lived in our house for six years that none of us ever talk about?

Ben and his dad usually stick to the weather, or at most fishing.

But Ben does think that his dad might have information.

So together, we phone him up.

Hello.

Hey, dad.

Can you hear me?

Oh, yeah.

Hi, son.

How you doing?

Hey.

Doing good.

So the reason why I'm calling you...

Ben gets his dad up to speed, explaining how he's been carrying around a lot of guilt about Sheehan and wants to find him.

I asked Ben's dad if he knows how they first came to meet Sheehan.

No,

there's no real family relationship.

It was something to the effect.

I think there was some kind of connection over there in Korea.

Though Ben's dad doesn't remember how they met Shihan, he was happy to have him around.

He thought Shihan's playful personality was good for Ben.

He was more

of a social person.

She was really a nice guy.

He had a very mellow personality, you know, happy-go-lucky.

He liked to interact

more than be an achiever.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

And I tried to talk to mom about that and tell him, you know, that's his personality.

He's different.

But she just had this feeling that she had to help him to get up there and achieve and get good results for his parents, you know?

And I think they had a lot of high expectations.

And I think that was part of the reason mom might have been a little tough on him because they were kind of tough on her, what they expected.

Ben always assumed his mom was pressuring Sheehan to get perfect grades because she took his success so personally.

It hadn't occurred to him that maybe it wasn't just that.

It seems his mom had been under pressure too.

Do you remember the moment when you said goodbye to him when you saw him?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

It was kind of sad.

You know, we gave him a hug and

told him to take care of himself and keep in touch, you know, that kind of stuff.

And he was kind of sad, too.

Did it seem like he wanted to leave?

He seemed resigned to it.

I think that's the best way to describe it.

Ben's dad doesn't have a clue about how to get in touch with Sheehan, Shihan, but he does have tips for how Ben might go about asking his mom for information.

You know, I think if you, if you was to approach that

with her just one-on-one, you, you and her.

That is, not you and her and him, your weird new best friend with the microphone.

And just tell her, wonder how he's doing.

Do you know how I can get a hold of him?

I really want to talk to him.

She would be more receptive to that, I think.

Well, thanks, Dad.

I, yeah, I just appreciate you.

Man, I love doing stuff with you.

And

matter of fact, I'm looking forward to going fishing with you when you come back down in

a few weeks later.

Ben does as his dad advises and phones his mom without your humble narrator.

But sadly, she doesn't know how to contact Sheehan either.

However, she does have a story for Ben, a surprising one.

So it's, I guess it's more complicated.

I

think it turns out that the story of how Shihan entered their lives began well before Ben was born.

One day in 1985, Ben's mom and dad were out for a drive when they spied an uncommon sight for Anchorage at the time.

Walking down the street was an elderly Korean couple.

Ben's parents slowed down and offered them a ride.

The women bonded that day over the hardships they'd been through in Alaska, and over the months to follow, they continued to visit one another and eventually became close.

Soon after that, Ben was born.

And so my mom had a really complicated postpartum course, a lot of medical complications.

She was sick and kind of laid up for several months.

And the grandma would take care of me during this time when I was a newborn.

This woman, this older woman who took care of you was...

Sheon's grandmother.

Huh.

His mother's mother's mother.

In talking to his mom, Ben learned that as babies, he and Sheehan had both been cared for by the same person, held by the same arms.

The grandmother's kindness would be repaid some 14 years later, with her grandson Shihan being accepted into Ben's family's home.

Ben had never heard any of this.

And why?

My mom said she didn't want to distract me from all the studying I was doing.

Classic.

Going through Ben's family to find Sheehan seems to have hit a dead end.

It's time for a new approach.

And so, I gird my loins and reach into the deepest recesses of my people-finding strategic nugget satchel and withdraw the choicest strategic nugget and choicest strategic nugget dipping sauce my desperate mind fingers can grasp.

Um, maybe try shooting an email to that address again.

You know what I mean?

Ben.

Jonathan.

Hello.

Yes.

Hi.

Hey.

I came as quickly as I could when you sent up the heavyweight signal into the sky.

Yeah.

What's going on?

Yeah.

So, you remember, okay.

Last time we chatted, which was less than a day ago, we decided I would send one final email.

Yeah.

And then

he replied.

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After 10 years of unanswered emails, Ben finally receives a response.

Yeah, so he says, hey, Ben, wow, so long time.

First of all, thank you for not forgetting about me and trying to email me again.

I'm so glad to talk to you again and miss you, your mom, and your dad so much.

Aww.

God bless you always, bro.

That's it.

And so we roll up our sleeves and tackle the mathematical equations necessary for converting American time to Korean time.

And then, we get into a video call and wait.

I'm sure he's gonna look at me and be like, what the hell happened to you, man?

Where did all your hair go?

I don't even know what he's gonna look like.

He could look completely different, too.

I mean, it's been 20 years.

And since it has been so long, Ben isn't sure what Xi'an's English will be like.

So I've hired a Korean interpreter named Max to join us just in case.

Hello, Max lives in Seoul, but spent his childhood in the US.

Like Ben, he went to Korean school as a kid.

I remember just like thinking,

I don't need this.

Yeah, you know, but it turns out I did.

Yeah, led up to this moment.

And by this moment, Max means this moment.

Here we go.

She's

Sean raises his arms in triumph.

Ben is downright giggly.

Actually, I was waiting, sitting on my left.

That was like an hour ago.

You and I look so old now, huh?

No, dude, I look old.

Are you kidding me?

Morgan Para.

I have no hair, Ben says.

Dude, you look the same.

It's really good to see you.

Almost 20 years.

Almost 20 years.

First of all, first of all, anyways, Ben, I want to ask your dad and mom is still right, everything.

Yeah,

they're doing good.

Still in Alaska.

Mom's still annoying, right?

Mom's still annoying, right?

It's the kind of thing only a son or daughter could say.

Ben's mom is like almost like my second mom.

So if I see your mom, probably I will cry right away.

Yes.

Even though, even though

all the arguments and all the yelling,

you know what?

Just

any kind of country's bomb is all single.

You know, even my mom in Korea.

Wow.

I think if she saw your face, she would also cry too.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, okay.

Where do we begin?

Ben and Shean catch up.

Shein still lives in Seoul and works in sales.

They tell each other about their families.

But soon enough, they're reminiscing about old times.

Oh, I totally remember that now.

We were so annoyed.

First time ever I saw your dad yelling.

Replaying their finest moments in professional wrestling.

We would watch SmackDown.

Yeah, SmackDown.

Laughing about the movies they watched as kids.

Do you remember if if we watch American Pie?

Actually, it's American Pie 2.

And revisiting the American Pie 2-like New Year's Eve they spent together, where Sheehan infamously projectile vomited onto a passerby.

All over her shirt and chest.

Once Ben and Sheehan have settled in with each other, I try to steer things towards the bigger conversation that I know Ben wants to have.

What was it like when you first showed up?

What was your feeling?

Oh, scared.

Yeah, I missed my parents.

I missed my Korean friends.

Yeah, actually, I cried every single night, you know.

After just a short time in America, and with very limited English, Sheehan was placed in Ben's class.

Sheehan remembers Ben as the perfect student.

Me was just first time, you know, I had to study really, really a lot.

Even I was doing the homework, you know, I was using the dictionary, every single word.

I took like two hours just to finish up like a few sentences, you know.

Ben is listening carefully.

And when Shihan has finished speaking, he says the thing he's been wanting to say for a while now.

I felt guilty because

I thought about how you left all of a sudden and

how I felt like how maybe I didn't support you.

I know it was like tough because,

you know, coming to the United States and English is a second language.

And I

don't know.

I just thought about us a lot and I felt really bad.

Like I could have supported you better.

She on cuts Ben off.

You are a teenager.

I'm the teenager too.

Yeah.

What can I say?

Xian is grasping for the right words.

Max, okay.

Yeah.

For the first time during our conversation, Shian reverts to Korean and makes use of our interpreter, Max.

He wants to get the wording of what he's about to say just right.

Ben, so Shian

said that don't feel too guilty about not having been more supportive of him.

He noticed that you used the word guilt and said, you know, specifically, don't feel guilt.

Guilt is for when we've done something wrong and want to make amends.

But Sheanne assures Ben that he has done nothing to make amends for.

Your parents took me in even though I was a stranger, Sheanne says.

They took me on their vacations, made sure I had Christmas presents.

They made me feel like one of the family.

Ben and Ben's parents helped me a lot.

In high school, Ben was like right behind me, right with me.

Then, through Max, Sheehan lays out the story of why he had to go back to Korea, which, as it turns out, wasn't quite so all of a sudden.

In fact, it wasn't anything like the story Ben had been told.

You know, his family was sending him, you know, money when he was in Alaska,

and then his father's company went bankrupt, went under.

She's family could no longer afford to keep him in America.

So there was nothing Ben, his mother, or even Xean could have done.

Xian's return to Korea was inevitable.

You know, thinking back, he feels like all the help, all the support was enough.

Like you guys did enough.

And even if

you know, this sort of collective goal in a way wasn't achieved,

he doesn't think back on that with this great regret.

No, thank you for that.

For years, Ben had seen himself as having failed Shihan.

But to hear Shihan tell it, that isn't the case.

He returned home with stories to tell about his Alaskan adventures and the friends he made.

For Shihan, Those are the real memories that remain.

To quote Ben's dad, maybe that's just Shihan's personality.

In spite of counseling against them, it seems like Shihan has a couple of regrets of his own.

You sent me an email and joined your marriage for the best man, but I couldn't.

Bennett told me he'd invited Shian to his wedding.

But this is the first I'm hearing of the role he'd been asked to play.

Is Shian remembering correctly that you were asking him to be your best man?

Yeah.

I actually didn't have a best man after Shian said he couldn't come.

Oh really?

Yeah.

I didn't maybe fully recognize it at the time, but I think as time went on,

going to college, I didn't have like any friends that I was like super, super close with.

And so I still look back to be like, who was I closest with?

And that was Sean.

Funny things, I have lots of friends, close friends, I have lots of best friends, but

I think as fan as not as friend,

as brother, you know?

A brother is someone who's seen your mild-mannered dad yell at you, someone who's comfortable telling you how annoying your mom is, because not only do you both know it's true, but it's also being said with love.

Ben still has one more question, the one he first came to me with, that he worried about most.

I guess my next question

is,

are you happy?

Are you happy can be lumped into the how-you-do-in category of conversation.

But knowing how much this question has occupied Ben through the years, it doesn't feel like small talk, nor does Shihan's response.

Of course.

Of course, there's no hesitation.

Xi'an says that he and his extended family all live in the same neighborhood and see each other often.

He has a job he likes and is good at.

He's had the same group of friends since his 20s, friends he loves.

And perhaps most importantly, he's a new dad.

Just second, just second.

Ben wants to see Xi'an's son, and Xi'an wants to see Ben's son.

They both run to get their kids, in Ben's case, from the toilet.

Oh, hello, see, look.

Ben and Sheehan hold their babies up to the camera.

Just as you might expect, Ben's baby has hair parted to the side, like a baby anchorman, and Shihan's son has hair like a lit matchstick.

Look at that hair.

He just got up.

He's so so angry right i know

oh no

okay

okay

yeah yeah yeah no it's okay say goodnight to everybody

as much as ben has worried about sheehan over the years about being there or not being there they're together now and they both seem happy

I think we need to get some flights.

We got to do it proper.

You know how in those American Pie style movies, there's always that guy who's got a plan that's going to lead to everyone's most epic night ever?

Jonathan, you got to book us some flights.

We got to go to Korea.

It turns out that under all the lab coats and stethoscopes, Ben's that guy.

And then we're going to do some karaoke together.

And then Shian vomits on my chest.

Yeah, exactly.

But since I'm not the guy in the movie who charters a private jet and flies everyone to Korea, have you guys ever tried to do online karaoke?

Oh my gosh,

professional wrestling.

Since I'm not taking them to the Korean karaoke bar, I bring the karaoke bar to us, and with it, a little creed.

Oh, creed.

Wow.

Sure, it's 11 a.m.

in Korea.

Not exactly cocktail hour.

And sure, I'm paying our interpreter Max by the hour.

Do you remember Creed?

Yeah.

But Ben doesn't care.

Today, he's the happy-go-lucky one.

He kicks in the door, opens his arms and lungs, and sings.

Not just her.

Shannon.

The news today.

You remember, Shannon.

It seems my life

is gonna change.

I'm so sorry.

Close my eyes.

Begin to pray.

Max, can you translate?

And tears of joy

stream down my face.

Ready with arms wide open.

Under the sunlight,

Now that the furniture's returning to its goodwill home

Now that the last month's rent is skeeming with the damaged deposit

Take this moment to decide.

If we meant it, if we tried.

But felt around for far too much.

This episode was produced by Mohini Medgauker and me, Jonathan Goldstein.

Our senior producer is Kalila Holt.

Our supervising producer is Stevie Lane.

Production help from Damiano Marchetti.

Special thanks to Emily Condon, Brendan Klinkenberg, Lisa Wang, Alex Bloomberg, Christopher Ibeling, and Jackie Cohen.

Bobby Lord mixed the episode with original music by Christine Fellows, John K.

Sampson, Ben Alleman, and Bobby Lord.

Additional music credits can be found on our website, gimletmedia.com/slash heavyweight.

Our theme song is by The Weaker Thans, courtesy of Epitaph Records.

Follow us on Twitter at heavyweight or email us at heavyweight at gimletmedia.com.

We'll be back with a new episode next week.

This is Justin Richmond, host of Broken Record.

Starbucks pumpkin spice latte arrives at the end of every summer like a pick-me-up to save us from the dreary return from our summer breaks.

It reminds us that we're actually entering the best time of year, fall.

Fall is when music sounds the best.

Whether listening on a walk with headphones or in a car during your commute, something about the fall foliage makes music hit just a little closer to the bone.

And with the pumpkin spice latte now available at Starbucks, made with real pumpkin, you can elevate your listening and your taste all at the same time.

The Starbucks pumpkin spice latte.

Get it while it's hot or iced.

You've probably heard me say this.

Connection is one of the biggest keys to happiness.

And one of my favorite ways to build that, scruffy hospitality, inviting people over even when things aren't perfect.

Because just being together, laughing, chatting, cooking, makes you feel good.

That's why I love Bosch.

Bosch fridges with VitaFresh technology keep ingredients fresher longer so you're always ready to whip up a meal and share a special moment fresh foods show you care and it shows the people you love that they matter.

Learn more, visit BoschHomeus.com.

Caesar Canine Cuisine asks, Why does your dog spin?

Because he's excited I'm home?

Because he wants to play.

He spins because he wants a Caesar warm bowl.

Caesar Warm Bowls are microwavable meals for dogs.

Just set the timer for 10 seconds, and as the bull spins in the microwave, so will your pup.

Caesar Warm Bowls are made with real chicken as the number one ingredient and fresh veggies with an irresistible aroma that gets dogs excited.

Look for Caesar Warm Bowls in the pet food aisle.

This is an iHeart podcast.