#43 Maura

Hello, Jackie Cohen.

In the last 15 hours, you have texted me more than you've texted me in the last six months.

What's going on?

Okay, so I got a whole bunch of headshots taken, and I need to choose one.

We're lucky for you, I'm doing nothing right now.

You're in front of your smartphone right now.

My smartphone, old man.

Yes, I'm in front of my smartphone.

Okay, here's the first one.

Kind of a bearded bohemian look.

Here we go.

Just sent it to your cell.

Oh my gosh.

It makes it look like a bum.

All right.

Okay.

How about this one beside a plant?

No.

Denim shirt and denim vest.

Oh, God, no.

In a Kangal cap?

No.

In a law library.

Sitting in a beanbag chair.

No.

Eating a powdered donut.

Of course not.

Okay.

All I've got left is this one of me in a turtleneck and a pair of overalls.

Yeah.

Oh, I like overalls.

From Gimlet Media, I'm Jonathan Goldstein, and this is Heavyweight.

Today's episode, Mara.

Right after the break.

This is an iHeart podcast.

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Here are some things to know about Mara.

She has a clock in her bathroom, so even when she's in the shower, she can make sure she's running on time.

When she meets up with friends, she brings along sparkling water so everyone stays hydrated.

And on her high school rowing team, she was the coxswain, the one who steers the boat boat and keeps everyone on course.

In other words, Mara gets the job done, which is why the one job she can't get done bothers her so much that it pops up in her dreams.

You know how people have an anxiety dream and it's like you're naked, or you're in a test room and you've not studied.

I don't know what yours is, Jonathan.

I've had that stuff happen in real life.

Wait, you're talking about dreaming?

Oh, interesting.

Okay.

So I have a recurring dream about driving that I'm behind the wheel of a car and then all of a sudden there's just like this creeping anxiety where I realize that I can't drive.

Mara does not have a driver's license.

Her fear of driving began 11 years ago because of what happened to one of her cousins.

One of her many, many cousins.

I have about 40 first cousins.

Do you know all the names of your 40 cousins?

Of course I do.

Could you recite all 40 names?

Dominica, Michael, and Catherine.

Shana, Ben, and Mary.

As Mara lists, I try to remember the names of my cousins, of which there are two.

There's Marty and a man named

I want to say Benjamin.

The twins, Chris and Kevin, and Tina.

In my family, cousins are a coincidence.

A murder of Rando's with the same grandparents.

But in Mara's family, a cousin is a friend.

And of all Mara's 40 cousins,

there was one who was her best friend.

Shannon.

Shannon.

Mara was two years younger than Shannon and grew up in Shannon's hand-me-downs.

They celebrated Christmas and birthdays together, spent whole summer days at the pool.

Shannon was her cool big sister.

Someone that you always kind of wanted to have in your corner.

You know, she was the person that I got most excited to have play dates with or sleepovers with.

As they grew older, Mara and Shannon would go on long walks together, talking about their families and gossiping about boys.

In the fall of 2008, Shannon went away to college.

And that summer, Mara was looking forward to seeing her again at an upcoming family party.

It was July 3rd.

It was a Friday afternoon, and it was my brother's graduation party.

Mara's family was hosting, so the day of the party, Mara helped her mom prepare for for guests, tidying the laundry room to make it into a bar area.

So I was sweeping the laundry room, and I remember the phone ringing and my mom picking up, and it was my grandfather.

And

I remember

my mom saying Shannon's name and this, her,

you know, the sound that people get when they're stressed and their voice just gets tight.

It was like, Shannon.

And then she came into the room and she said, Shannon's been in an accident.

She's dead.

With the place still kind of decorated like a graduation party with streamers and confetti, you know, my family just started rolling in.

The party turned into an informal vigil, with the family consoling each other in small, hushed groups.

It was here that Mara overheard an aunt sharing the graphic details of Shannon's death.

These were images that would stick with her for years to come.

Mara's aunt explained that while driving back from the Jersey Shore for the graduation party, Shannon, her license barely a few weeks old, accidentally swerved off the highway and drove through a guardrail and into a tree.

The car spun around and hit another tree.

It was the second tree that crushed her.

You know, when news like that hits you, it doesn't really hit you.

You know, I cried a little bit, but it was like this kind of sprint and then like normalcy.

It only began to sink in a few weeks later while Mara was traveling for a race.

She was staying in a hotel room with her rowing team.

It was her birthday.

And

I remember

like at midnight going to the bathroom and running the shower and just like sobbing.

I think for the first time, like realizing that this older cousin who I admired so much,

like I was going to get older than her,

she was always going to be the same age.

Crying in the hotel bathroom, Mara turned 17 years old.

Turning 17 in New Jersey meant it was time to get her driver's license.

And Mara had already begun the process.

She'd gotten her permit.

She'd been practicing her driving.

But with Shannon's death, Mara couldn't bring herself to actually take the final test.

My parents were pushing me to schedule the test, and I was kind of like, oh, I don't know, you know, excuse, excuse, I'm busy, I'm traveling for a crew.

This

image of the accident would come to mind at even just the thought of getting behind the wheel.

But her parents kept insisting.

The way Mara explains it, their approach was, throw the kid into the deep end and they'll learn how to swim.

They wanted Mara to stop dwelling and push through.

So one day after church, Mara's father demanded she take the wheel.

My dad was basically like, you're driving home.

And I was like, I don't want to.

But he made me.

And we were, I don't know, a mile and a half from my parents.

And I can remember just being utterly terrified and feeling like my stomach was just dropping through my body.

And my dad being being in the front seat and like raising his voice and making gasps and like pulling in and thinking to myself, I never want to do that again.

And that was literally the last time

I ever was behind the wheel of a car.

11 years later and still, Mara's parents see her inability to get her license in practical terms.

Adults just need to drive.

They've never been able to see it the way Mara does.

So at no point were you able to say, the reason why I don't want to drive is just it connects too much to Shannon?

Oh, I have in various ways over the years.

It's just never been heard.

Mara says any conversation with her parents about driving devolves into a fight.

Her parents push her to move past her fear.

Mara says she can't.

But they never really talk about what's behind the fear.

Instead, they talk in circles, and everyone leaves resentful.

This happened most recently, last Thanksgiving.

Because of the pandemic, Mara didn't want to take the train from DC to Jersey.

Her mother didn't want to make the long drive to pick her up.

Things grew heated.

Mara remembers her mom eventually saying, well, you're the one who decided not to get your license.

It felt like the same argument they've been having since she was 17.

And so now you're 28 years old and you don't have your license.

I'm 28 years old and I don't have my license.

Saying it out loud makes me want to cry.

Mara is desperate to change the conversation with her parents, and the solution, she thinks, is to get her license.

That way, they can stop fighting about the license and finally talk about why it's been so hard for her.

about what's behind her fear.

The only problem, Mara is still terrified of driving.

So, she's come to me for help getting on the road and eventually passing the driver's test.

I believe I failed the written part a couple times.

And I wasn't a good driver, and I'm still not a great driver, and I don't really like driving.

When I play Grand Theft Auto, I can barely steal a single auto.

But I remind Mara that even so, they still gave me a license.

I don't have any special skill, any great hand-eye coordination, and yet

I'm street legal.

Right?

I'm just basically like, yeah, any asshole can do it.

And I'm that asshole.

And I'm confident that Mara can be that asshole too.

So this is what I want to hear you say.

You ready?

I'm ready.

I'm 28 years old.

I'm 28 years old.

And I'm going to get my driver's license.

And I'm going to get my driver's license.

How does that feel?

It feels good.

I feel like I'm going to cry again.

After the break, I coxson Mara to the finish line.

Check this out.

Porchside, raise your arms.

Stroke, stroke.

I mean, drive, drive, tune that radio.

Pump that AC.

Linque voice.

Get your head out of the flares.

Why couldn't you be like your twin brother?

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There's more food for thought, more thought for food.

There's more data insights to help with those day-to-day choices.

There's more to the weather than whether it's going to rain.

And with our arts and entertainment coverage, you won't just get out more, you'll get more out of it.

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Discover more at sfchronicle.com.

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With her road test a few months away, Mara will need someone to practice her driving with.

It's still the height of the pandemic, so I can't fly to DC.

I'll need to offer my tutelage over video.

This means recruiting a local proxy, some DC-based Patsy to fill the passenger seat while holding me aloft on their phone.

Mara suggests I speak with her friend Joe.

Joe describes Mara as the kind of person who's always there to help, stepping up before you even ask, so she's happy to help Mara learn to drive.

But there's just one problem.

I hate podcasts.

I don't think I could connect with them.

Well, she's inside of one now.

Although she's known Mara for years, Joe says Mara only recently told her she doesn't know how to drive.

Mara's shame about not having a license is something she's kept hidden, even from her closest friends.

I was very surprised by it.

Thur and I and our friends have gone on, you know, tons of trips together, and it had never crossed my mind that she couldn't drive the car at any point.

Is it sort of like when you find out that a friend is Canadian?

Like

you just thought she was people.

What about this lot?

Lesson one: The Basics.

Is it open?

For her first driving lesson, Joe brings Mara to an empty stadium parking lot.

My virtual self, or best self, rides along in a phone holder fastened above the glove compartment, not unlike one of those dashboard hula dancers.

Get yourself comfortable so that you can reach the gas as well as the brake.

I've always feared I lack dignity.

But taking on the aspect of a talking car air freshener is a new low.

Okay, here you go.

Oh, girl.

Oh my god.

Mara's hands are visibly shaking.

This is her very first time behind the wheel of a car since her father had her drive home from church 11 years ago.

Foot reaches the various pedals down there.

Release the parking lot.

This is the brake?

And that other one's the gas.

Could you have them confused?

Yes.

With the pedals all sorted, Mara takes hold of Joe's hand.

And let's take a deep breath.

Okay.

Let's jet.

Oh shit, I'm in reverse.

Mara starts slow, taking a lap around the empty parking lot.

At first, she coasts, too scared to even even accelerate.

But then, she's using the gas.

I am just using the gas.

She accelerated.

Okay.

We're at a cool 10 miles per hour.

But in spite of her anxiety, Mara takes the driving quickly.

Look at that blanker.

You are.

Once she has a feel for the car, she even decides to tackle parallel parking with some abandoned cones.

And between that cone is going to be where you have to terall all park.

Okay.

You can call it Jackie Cohen.

Jackie Cohen.

But unlike Jackie Cohen, this cone doesn't laugh at you or bang down the phone when you call.

It stands tall in tribute to safety.

And also unlike Jackie Cohen, it's orange with a white stripe.

Though Jackie does have that orange sweater vest she wears with a white turtleneck, makes her look like a creamsicle.

But although Jackie Cohen is icy, she's no treat when she does.

I'm gonna turn off the car and put my emergency brake on.

With the lesson over, we sit in the parking lot.

Joe, how do you feel?

How do you feel, Mara's done?

Mastered level one.

That's amazing.

You've done it all at this point.

Except actually, like, driven on a road.

Lesson two.

The road.

These quiet neighborhoods are a welcome respite from the normal DC bustle.

This is Mara's cousin Mike, who's taking her driving on an actual street.

Mike and Mara grew up together.

When Mike was overseas and homesick, Mara was the only family member who came to visit him.

But in spite of their closeness, it turns out that like Joe, Mike never knew about Mara's lack of a license.

Now that he does, though, he's offering his full support.

Is that good?

Mike is a staff sergeant in the Army and has the kind of can-do attitude that must come in handy when motivating a cadet off a plane with the gentle poke of a bayonet.

Driving is possible.

Driving is for everyone.

So to me.

Mara is at ease driving through the streets of DC as Mike offers helpful tips.

Turn signals are a crutch.

You don't need them.

Blinkers are not for you, though.

They're for other people.

First of all, it's nobody's business where I'm going.

This might be the most American thing I've ever heard said.

You had to operate in a parking garage yet?

I haven't.

Mara and Mike make a bathroom stop at a grocery store, which affords Mara a chance to practice parking in a parking garage, and Mike a chance to practice sharing his heart.

I think parking was one of the hardest things for me, probably.

It's hard for me to admit.

But after all, masculinity is just a cage, so why not break out of it?

Wow, how knowledgeable.

Thank you for sharing, Michael.

What is that noise?

Mike's keen military ear senses danger in the underground parking garage.

That was terrifying.

It's terrifying.

Are you getting that?

It is terrifying.

You know, maybe we should just get out of here.

Be in the corner, run.

Creeping around parking garages, laughing with a partner in crime.

After years of fear and avoidance, Mara is finally catching up on what she missed as a teenager first learning to drive.

From where I sit, in a cup holder, it's nice to hear her having fun.

Mara's handling everything so well that I'm tempted to suggest we skip the rest of our lessons and just go to the movies.

Theaters have cup holders too after all, and I hear Boss Baby 2 is getting good reviews.

But there's still one lesson Mara needs, which brings us to lesson 3, The Highway.

Mara's road test is only a few weeks away, and she still hasn't driven on the highway.

So while visiting Austin, Texas, Mara calls upon her friend Nora to take her driving on a real Texas interstate.

Mara's always been there for Nora.

When Nora's grandmother died, Mara stayed up all night with her so she wouldn't be alone.

Nora's glad to help.

My hands are sweating.

Mine are too.

My hands are also sweating, I have to say, just like watching.

Nora is holding the phone up so I can see the highway from Mara's perspective.

Semis whiz by, making Nora's mini Cooper seem even tinier.

We're on I-35, Austin's only major freeway.

It's chaotic.

All right, and you've got the green arrows.

Ship, man.

Y'all,

there's people coming up behind you, but you'll get in the far left to get on.

So you have to get over fairly quickly here to get onto the highway.

So

all right we're we're getting on mara emerges onto the highway tentatively a little too slow for the flow of traffic

man i don't know if i'm ready for this you stay in the then stay in the farthest right lane and we can get right off there's an exit immediately after do i have to look what do i do no just stay in the right lane um

do you want to stay in this lane yep let's let's exit okay now just stay where you are and we're just gonna get off at this exit i'm feeling weirdly overwhelmed right now okay look all right all right all right let's pause and pull over.

Mara turns to

across the right.

Can you get to the right lane?

I don't know.

No?

Okay, we get into the right.

Can you go one more?

There's no one behind you.

You're good.

We can go all the way over.

Once off the highway, Mara finds a parking lot and comes to a stop.

All told, her first ever highway drive was less than two minutes long.

Can you hold my hands?

Yeah, I'm gonna put you down, Jonathan.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just, yeah, yes.

Take a break.

I don't know why I'm crying.

I mean, I know why I'm crying.

No, even regardless of the other stuff.

That was my first time getting in the highway

since she died.

You know, and like, just like knowing and like feeling the like the speed in which like in a moment something could happen.

It felt out of control, even though I know I was in control.

I'm glad it was with you.

Okay.

I want to try it again.

Okay.

Yeah, there we go.

That's a stop.

In spite of her anxiety, Mara gets back on the highway.

Okay, go straight and go kind of left and we'll stay in this lane the whole time until we get out, okay?

Okay.

Pause, pause.

Okay, now go, go, go, go.

This time, Mara stays on the highway for a few exits before getting off.

When I ask her why she felt so strongly about getting back on, she says she didn't want to let the fear build into something bigger, the way it has for years.

Mara wants to get the job done.

Um, Mara.

Yes.

How you feeling?

I'm feeling pretty anxious right now.

It's finally the day of Mara's road test.

She's brought along a support group to help distract from her stress.

Her friend Jenna, her cousin Dominica, and of course, cousin Mike.

I'm extremely hungover to that.

How are you?

Hearing this, Mara springs into action.

Not unlike a thoughtful, nurturing version of the Kool-Aid man.

I brought sparkling water.

Oh, yes, I love you so much.

Yes, we do.

um, different flavors, like four different.

I'm gonna go, uh, it's 15 20 of, so I'm gonna go check in.

Okay, great.

We'll be here.

Yeah,

while her friends wait in the car, Mara heads off to the test, where she will adjust mirrors and check blind spots.

She will signal right and she will signal left, making it everybody's business where she's going.

When she approaches stop signs, she will slow down 150 feet before the corner.

She'll even deal with a lane-hopping drunkard on an e-bike that feels like an obstacle out of a video game.

And 53 minutes later, she will emerge.

Oh my god, look,

you're only one.

Thank you.

My adrenaline's still going.

I still have cotton up.

Mara is 28 years old.

And finally, she has her driver's license.

For years, Mara felt so much shame about not driving that she hid it from the people she loved.

But now, they're all here celebrating with her.

She says she'd never have been able to do any of this without having asked for their help.

Let me see.

Wow, you're so beautiful.

What?

Like, no one ever gets

you.

In the weeks after getting her license, Mara tells everyone.

She calls her sister.

She texts her friends.

But there are still two people she can't bring herself to tell.

Her parents.

The driver's license was meant to clear the way for a conversation about Shannon's death.

But as hard as getting her license was, the idea of talking with her parents seems even harder.

She's worried that she'll try to bring up her big feelings, and her parents will make their here we go again faces and their let's put all of this behind us sounds.

Then her dad will grow quiet and her mom will start to cry.

Everyone will get upset and once again, Mara will feel unheard.

And so she procrastinates for three months.

But then one evening, around midnight, she sends her parents, Andy and Sue, an email.

In it, she says she finally got her license and wants to tell them all about it.

So we need to hear more detail.

How did this all come about?

I don't know.

Where do you want me to start?

Well, firstly, initially, I mean, how did you feel when you received Mara's email?

I was crying.

Really?

Very excited for her.

Yeah, I'm crying now, even admitting it.

Just so happy for her.

It was a huge obstacle for her, just emotionally.

It's a,

you know, not to be too dramatic, but a demon, if you will.

Sue nods.

Yeah, I'm sure she probably told you the story of the week of her test, driving test with her cousin's funeral.

Who died in a car crash?

Right.

Mara had told me that raising the topic of Shannon would be a struggle.

I wasn't expecting Sue and Andy to be the ones to bring it up first.

And neither was Mara.

At the mention of Shannon, she freezes up.

I'm like very surprised that

you have always made that association.

Because of the way that me not driving has been frequently brought up in our family, it's been...

talked about as this very intentional choice

and feeling like in some ways like not entitled to grieve.

We haven't talked about Shannon in years, like truly.

I'm sorry that you felt like we were avoiding the conversation.

Yeah, I think during the experience, the following years,

my recollection is

that

it's something that we try to acknowledge verbally, but without

creating a

crutch, if you will.

Andy and Sue feared too much sympathy might provide Mara with an excuse to give up on driving altogether.

But Mara didn't want a license to drive, so much as she wanted license to feel whatever she was feeling.

This wasn't just a mental block.

This wasn't something I was overthinking, but this was trauma.

Yeah, we knew it.

That's what I was saying.

We didn't do that.

We didn't do a great job of communicating it, but we knew it.

We knew it all along we knew it right from that day

you know we we heard you

and this is the roughest thing about being a parent there is no playbook i mean we're at a complete loss

no parent wants to watch their kid suffer in the aftermath of shannon's death they'd wanted to say something important and wise something that might put an end to mara's grief But what can one really say?

So, in the face of an unsolvable problem, they focused on a solvable one, the driver's license.

And talking about the license might have also been a distraction for Andy and Sue from their own grief.

They'd love Shannon too.

How do you guys remember that

time, if I could ask?

I remember it in great detail.

We were having about 80 people coming to our house for my son's high school graduation party.

And Mara was busy sweeping through the laundry room and so forth, getting ready to go.

Even though Mara and her parents have never discussed that day, Sue raises all the same things Mara did.

She remembers Mara sweeping, the phone call, walking into the laundry room to tell Mara what had happened.

For Mara, hearing Sue describe that day the same way she always has makes Mara feel seen.

Sue also brings up things Mara wasn't there for.

Like the day after the funeral, when she drove Shannon's mom and brother to the tow yard to collect Shannon's personal effects from the crushed car.

Sue remembers Shannon's purse on the floor of the back seat, her phone and flip-flops lying amid the shards of broken windshield.

Like Mara's night crying in the hotel room.

That was when, for Sue, it all sank in.

Understanding what grief I was battling and we were all battling.

Yeah, I mean, by the time he, you know, by the time we even digested it, that year went by.

you know, it was still stuck in our throats.

And everybody dealt with it in their own way, just to try to protect themselves, try to protect their own heart.

And then I left for college, and like I haven't lived at home really since.

You know, it's funny, Mara, I never really put it together until you're just talking now that

you're the only one of the siblings that was here full-time in the aftermath of her death.

Yeah.

Mara was the youngest of three siblings.

It was just her and her parents alone in the house, the air thick with the weight of all that was unspoken.

And meanwhile, you were trying to figure out where you're going to go to college.

I mean, all your senior events.

That was a rough year.

That was a rough year.

It's a small conversation, as far as conversations go.

But after not talking about it for over a decade, it's something.

Maura, think about this.

Ten years ago, we would not be having the conversation like we're even having right now.

Yeah, and I just really appreciate you both having this conversation.

There's so much room for improvement, and I think that's the.

And we're open to that.

Yeah, and we're open to that.

The book isn't written.

It's just a series of chapters.

It's the beginning.

Absolutely.

We're proud of you, Maura.

Do you want to show them your driver's license?

Mara holds up her license for her parents to see.

Ooh, pretty picture.

Thank you.

Very nice.

And that's me in hologram form.

Ooh, a silk ghost-like.

It's official.

The license no longer needs to be weighted down with implication and meaning.

It can finally be a piece of plastic with a nice picture on it that gets gets you from point A to point B.

One fall Saturday, Mara borrows a friend's car.

She needs it to run some errands.

No, absolutely not.

It's the kind of afternoon people have all the time.

But for Mara, it's an afternoon of firsts.

First time driving around DC alone.

First time hitting a pothole.

Shit.

First time driving through a drive-thru.

Mara, M-A-U-R-A.

Where she orders a chicken sandwich and a strawberry milkshake.

Thank you.

She fits her milkshake into the cup holder.

and heads to her next stop.

Man, the sun's cold.

Mara started this trek because of her family, and she finished it because of her friends.

But today, she's enjoying the drive all by herself.

Now that the furniture's returning to its goodwill home

Now that the last month's rent is scheming with the damaged deposit

Take this moment to decide

if we meant it if we tried

or felt around for far too much

from things that accidentally tied

This episode of Heavyweight was produced by Khalila Holt, Mohini Midgowker, Stevie Lane, and me, Jonathan Goldstein.

Special thanks to Emily Condon, Aggie Goldstein, Alex Bloomberg, Bethel Hopte, Anna Foley, Lynn Levy, Paul Bowman, Zach Schmidt, and Jackie Cohen.

Bobby Lord mixed the episode with original music by Christine Fellows, John K.

Sampson, Sean Jacoby, and Bobby Lord.

Additional music credits can be found on our website, gimletmedia.com/slash heavyweight.

Our theme song is by the weaker thans, courtesy of Epitaph Records.

Follow us on Twitter at heavyweight.

This is our last episode of the season, but we're already looking for stories for next year.

So if you have a moment from your own past that you need some help with, email us at heavyweight at gimletmedia.com.

Happy holidays to all, and we'll see you next fall.

See, I made a little rhyme there.

Why are TSA rules so confusing?

You got a hoodie, you want to take it off!

I'm Manny.

I'm Noah.

This is Devin.

And we're best friends and journalists with a new podcast called No Such Thing, where we get to the bottom of questions like that.

Why are you screaming at me?

I can't expect what to do.

Now, if the rule was the same, go off on me.

I deserve it.

You know, lock him up.

Listen to no such thing on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

No such thing.

Today, we're exploring deep in the North American wilderness among nature's wildest plants, animals, and

cows.

Uh, you're actually on an Organic Valley dairy farm, where nutritious, delicious, organic food gets its start.

But there's so much nature.

Exactly.

Organic Valley's small family farms protect the land and the plants and animals that call it home.

Extraordinary.

Sure is.

Organic Valley, protecting where your food comes from.

Learn more about their delicious dairy at ov.coop.

It's time to head back to school and forward to your future with Carrington College.

For over 55 years, we've helped train the next generation of healthcare professionals.

Apply now to get hands-on training from teachers with real-world experience.

And as few as nine months, you could start making a difference in healthcare.

Classes start soon in Pleasant Pleasant Hill, San Leandro, and San Jose.

Visit Carrington.edu to see what's next for you.

Visit Carrington.edu/slash SCI for information on program outcomes.

This is an iHeart podcast.