#31 Marie-Claude

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Pushkin.

John, how are you?

Do you remember that when we were kids, you had promised me, you had said, if you live to 50 years old,

do you remember the promise that you made?

No.

You said, Jonathan, with your eating habits and your lack of exercise regimen, there's no chance you're going to live to 50.

But if you do make it,

if you make it to 50, I will send you on an all-expense paid cruise.

Don, I never would have said that.

Well, you know, I've got my childhood journal right here, so let's take a look.

January 5th, 1981.

Today, Jackie promised me a cruise.

I never said that.

It's never the kind of thing I ever would have said.

And yet, there it is.

So, what are you thinking?

Kokomo.

Never.

Ever.

Wait, it doesn't say cruise.

It says booze.

You'd buy me booze.

God, my penmanship was terrible.

So, what do you think, in Creme de Mont?

From Gimlet Media, I'm Jonathan Goldstein, and this is Heavyweight.

Today's episode: Mary Claude.

Mary Claude?

Hello.

So, how has your day been?

It's 9:41 in the morning.

I haven't done much yet.

This plucky pip is Mary Claude, and she's come to me today with a problem.

As well, she should, because not only are problems my metier, but Mary Claude is one of my oldest friends.

We met in the fifth grade in Montreal.

So, you were half French, half English.

The Mary side represents the English, and the Claude side represents the French.

Exactly.

And what does the hyphen represent?

As I set up the microphones, because what's the good of problems without microphones?

I make some small talk to put Mary hyphen Claude at her ease.

Are you just making conversation because we can sit in silence?

It's fine.

I'm just making some chit-chat.

Just let's

Back when Mary Claude and I first met 40 years ago, we were a couple of shy outsider kids.

Even though Mary Claude lives in Canada and I now live in America, in many ways, we still lean on each other the way we did when we were kids.

Which brings us to why we're talking today.

Mary Claude's problem dates back to our days in grade school together.

At 50, she thought it was behind her.

But in the last couple years, the problem has returned.

its threat multiplied, and its size exponential.

Because Mary Claude's problem is a math problem.

I started failing math in grade seven.

I got all the answers wrong.

I did terribly when my mother went to parent-teacher interview.

What was the name of the grade seven math teacher?

I don't remember.

Was it Monsieur Spiridin?

Yes, that's it.

That's exactly it.

Yeah.

So he told my mother, no, no, there's no problem.

She understands.

She just gets the answers wrong.

What does that mean?

Exactly.

That's what my mother said.

If she understood, she would get the answers right.

So just so you get a sense of how this whole nightmare started.

What kind of math was it back then?

Was it algebra?

I don't know.

You think I know.

I think there was something with brackets.

You know, like there was a number and then there were numbers in brackets and then there was something else.

I remember like in A's and B's and C's or something.

You You know, there's a name for that, actually.

It's called algebra.

Right.

Although Mary Claude knew nothing, not even the kind of math she was doing, she was so quiet and unassuming that she just got passed along, herded into eighth-grade math.

Let me see if I can remember who the grade A teacher was.

Was it Mr.

Goyech?

I think it was, yeah.

Nice guy.

Everyone called Mr.

Goyech the Gooch.

Walking into class with his hockey bag slung over his shoulder, hair wet from a hockey ring shower, the Gooch didn't seem like he wanted to be in class any more than we did.

I remember liking Mr.

Goyech.

I remember still not understanding a bloody thing I was doing, honestly.

But the Gooch was too nice to fail Mary Claude.

So again, she got passed along.

Grade 9 came along and the teacher was Mr.

Cohen.

You remember him?

Yeah.

Yeah, he decided he didn't like me for some reason.

which was very rare because I was so quiet and shy.

Like there was not one teacher that didn't like me because they probably didn't even notice me.

So I don't know.

I think Mr.

Cohen just passed me so he wouldn't have to have me in his class again a second year.

After Monsieur Cohen, there was Monsieur Steyhauer, then Monsieur Ryan.

Each year, Mary Claude was scooted from one monsieur to the next, one grade to the next, scooted all the way to senior year, her last year of high school math.

On the first day of class, Mary Claude walked into the room and took a seat facing the teacher.

He's reading the attendance list and then he sees my name and he says, Marie, Marie, what are you doing in this class?

You don't belong here.

You're never going to pass.

Under the teacher's advisement, Mary Claude dropped the class.

We went to a terrible, terrible school.

I remember their way of trying to inspire us was like, I think you and I sat in the dumb row together.

We did.

They called it the dumb row, and they tried to inspire us to get out of the dumb row.

There was like five rows, and I remember there was the really dumb row behind us, but then there was just the dumb row, which was like second from the wall.

And we were trying, like, we were working really, really hard to get into that middle row.

Did we make it?

I don't think so.

I don't think so either.

You know, every year the same thing.

I'd sit in class, I would try, I'd copy down the examples from the board.

It seems so simple.

There's a disconnect, you know, like

it's on the board or it's in the book.

It seems simple.

I say, yeah, I can do that.

I understand that.

And then it comes down to applying it.

And I just, I can't apply it.

And then, you know how it is?

Once you start failing, you don't do well in the exam, then you're discouraged.

and I just, I didn't understand it, you know?

But didn't you have to pass math in order to graduate high school?

What are you saying?

I don't have a high school diploma.

I don't remember seeing you in a yearbook.

You signed my yearbook, you jerk.

Despite not taking her final year of high school math, the administration allowed Mary Claude to graduate, but only only because of what happened in the last few months of the semester.

If you remember, my father was very sick growing up.

Yeah.

And in the spring of the last year of high school, my dad went into the hospital, I see you, and he never came out.

So, you know, we basically kept a vigil by his bed.

And,

you know, I was holding my father's hand when he died.

And

to get back to reality, I really could not.

I just, I didn't care.

I didn't feel normal.

I didn't feel like everybody else and I didn't want to hang out with with them.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

It changed all my friendships really.

Like you and I stayed friends because you're very good with death, by the way.

Thank you.

You were different.

But um

yeah, so it just it changed everything, you know.

Yeah.

So

I never went back to school, never read my final end of year exams.

I guess my mom made arrangements with the school and and because of the circumstances, they just

passed me, basically.

They graduated me.

So yes, I did pass high school, Jonathan.

Maybe not the conventional way, but I passed nonetheless.

High school ended and Mary Claude put math behind her.

She met her husband, had two daughters, and worked at their family country store.

Over the years, she's done all kinds of jobs, from waitressing to sales to working in a funeral home.

But none of it ever felt like a calling.

Not the way being a mom did.

I always worked school hours, as I call them, meaning, you know, I walk my girls to school every day and I pick them up every day, whether they wanted me to or not, even in grade six.

So really my focus has always been, you know, really being a stay-at-home mother.

But Mary Claude's daughters are now entering college and don't need her as much.

So she's begun thinking about what she wants to do next.

And I thought, like, this is it.

Like, you know, know, I want to, I'm going to finally get some sort of a career going for myself that I enjoy, that I can do, that I like.

So I got the idea in my head that I wanted to be a real estate agent.

And I signed up for this course.

Over the next year, Mary Claude began the requisite real estate classes.

Real estate law, real estate appraisal, real estate architecture, and construction.

She passed them all and really enjoyed it.

But then, Mary Claude got to the final class and ran headlong into her old problem.

And thus, the reason I'm talking to her today.

Because that final class was real estate math, geometry, percentages, and algebra.

In other words, high school math.

So that's where I find myself now.

I need to pass high school math to get my real estate license, and

it's killing me.

It's really killing me.

Mary Claude is living a classic anxiety dream.

The one where you're back in school, unprepared for a test.

But for Mary Claude, it isn't a dream.

It's a living nightmare.

The one thing that's standing in the way of her new life

is math.

It's haunting me, really.

I can't,

I just,

all these old fears and feelings of anxiety and feelings of hostility.

Like I really hate it, you know?

Each time she opens her math book to work on her homework, Mary Claude is instantly plunged back into adolescence.

She's reminded of the teachers who told her she couldn't do it, that she shouldn't even bother trying.

Worst of all, she's reminded of her dad.

At my daughter's high school graduation, there was awards given to a couple of kids, three kids actually, who basically accomplished so much.

Despite, I think, all these three kids in the graduating class had lost a parent.

And meanwhile, they're all straight A students.

And I remember I left that graduation, I said to the kids, like,

basically, like, what the fuck?

You know, like, how come

these kids were able to stay focused and stay on track and do so well in school?

And yet that event for me basically has followed me for 35 years because I never finish anything.

Like,

that's me, right?

You know me?

I can't close a deal.

Like I just I can't finish.

Mary Claude says that high school math was just the first in a series of things she never finished.

From her bachelor's degree in poli-sci to joining the Peace Corps, from opening a bookstore cafe to becoming a civil rights activist, Mary Claude has dreamt of doing all kinds of things.

So there's, there's always all this stuff I want to do, but I can't get there.

And I think somewhere along the line, like, I didn't get that lesson, you know?

How to get from point A to point B.

And now, before Mary Claude can make it to point B,

she has to go back to point A.

And I'm going back with her.

You're my friend,

right?

Yeah.

And I believe in you.

Yes.

And I want to help.

I'm going to make sure Mary Claude passes that class.

Like one of those teachers in one of those movies who walk the school hallways carrying a bullhorn and a baseball bat, I'm going to be there through the hard times so Mary Claude can lean on me until she's able to stand and deliver.

And I'm going to be waiting outside the door after you take your exam flash dance style.

And you're going to come running down the hall and instead of a bouquet of flowers behind my back, you know what I'm going to have?

What?

A big plate of poutine.

I would honestly love that.

That would be lovely.

Can we go out for drinks after?

Celebratory whiskey?

Yeah.

On your dime.

It's all taken care of.

I'm going to do it.

Except, she doesn't.

After we bid goodbye that day, so full of hope and determination, Mary Claude refused to take a single one of my phone calls for an entire year.

What the hell happened after the break?

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After my last conversation with Mary Claude, I was ready for us to hit the ground running.

I saw myself as a cross between Mr.

Miyaggy, Julie Andrews, a pre-math Walter White, and that droopy eyelided teacher who really seemed to care from that TV show I can't remember the name of.

The point is, I was going to make a difference.

Personal change is hard, but if anyone was going to change personally, it would be the result of my near-constant, unrelenting help.

What with my twice-daily emails packed with inspirational quotes and my thrice-daily voicemails in which I inspiringly yelled those quotes over the theme song from Rocky?

How we fail?

And yet, over the course of an entire year, Mary Claude continued to ignore me.

Honestly, all you're going to do is get in her way.

You know that.

This is one of Mary Claude's oldest friends.

Is this Dr.

Jackie Cohen MD I have on the line?

She also happens to be one of mine.

Because Mary Claude won't answer my calls, I phoned up Jackie to tattle.

I tell her how Mary Claude hasn't spoken to me since I vowed to help her get her real estate license.

You're going to help her?

How are you going to help her?

How hard can all this real estate stuff be?

Like,

in a house, the toilet is A in the bedroom, B, in the bathroom, C in the living room.

I could see her thinking that the toilet goes in the living room.

This is so stupid.

Oh, my God.

Jackie tells me she already went to trying to help Mary Claude root without success.

Is anyone able to help her?

I mean, I tried to like help her organize herself.

I tried to teach her how to like

do five pages a day, like just make it, you know, but the problem with Mary is if she feels like anyone's pressuring her, she feels the need to without.

Mary Claude has a problem with authority.

And if my freshman semester of developmental psychology taught me anything, it's that these rebellious tendencies often begin in the home.

Hello.

Helen.

Hi.

Hi, Johnny.

Katie.

So I phone Mary Claude's home and speak to her daughters.

Helen is now a freshman in college, and Katie is about to turn 18.

They're also, I'm proud to say, my goddaughters.

Have you guys been keeping tabs on how your mom's doing with her math?

I don't know.

I think she's still

trying.

Have you seen her doing any homework?

No.

Helen and Katie are both excellent students, especially when it comes to math.

So at first, they tried to tutor their mom.

And how did did it go?

Um,

I feel like you shouldn't have a family member as a tutor.

That is very diplomatic.

Very diplomatic.

You know what I'm saying?

I hear you.

I'm reading between the lines.

Every time they tried to help, Mary Claude would get worked up and slam the book shut.

The girls grew frustrated and stopped offering help.

And Mary Claude stopped asking for it.

She just has an idea in her head that she hates math and she doesn't want to do it.

Yeah.

I think she doesn't have enough faith in herself.

Hello.

Mary?

Thought I wouldn't answer, eh?

After Helen and Katie make an appeal on my behalf, Mary Claude finally picks up the phone.

And lets me have it.

You nagged, honestly, you nagged the desire for me to complete the.

I was on a roll, honestly, till you got involved and you turned me off the whole thing because you're such a freaking nag.

I swear to God.

It's hard to ask for help.

But asking for help was never Mary Claude's problem.

Her problem is accepting it when it arrives.

So I let her have it.

You know,

I wouldn't bother you with all of this if it weren't for the fact that that first time when we talked over a year ago, I really hurt someone that

wanted to build a better life for themselves.

So what happened to that?

I mean, isn't that something that you still want to do?

I want to do it.

I just don't want to do the freaking math.

I told you that.

I don't like math.

No shit.

It's clear Mary Claude isn't going to do the work for herself, and she's certainly not going to do it for me.

But there are two people for whom Mary Claude would do anything.

And so I remind her of something she said way back when we first spoke a year ago.

Something I just so happened to have recorded.

What kills me is that my kids are so, so supportive of me going back to school.

They were so proud of me, but it haunts me, you know, because

they work so hard, my kids, and they've accomplished so much and they inspire me really.

They're just so great, you know, and they were so proud of me that

I don't want to let them down.

Like, even if I don't even work as a real estate agent,

I have to finish this class because I don't want them to think I'm a quitter, you know?

I don't want my girls to see me as a quitter.

That is a big motivation.

You're right.

You're right.

Like I said, I'm going to do it.

I got to do it.

I got to follow through.

That's really not my strength following through, but I'm going to follow through.

To complete the math class, Mary Claude must first pass several homework assignments with a 60%

or higher.

Only then will she be eligible to take the final exam.

So to get things started, I find her a tutor.

Mary Claude is surprised when I tell her I'll be auditing their first class.

You think I'm gonna let you go off to your first day of class by yourself?

Of course I'm gonna introduce myself to your teacher.

In truth, I also want to make sure Mary Claude doesn't bail.

So together, we phoned the tutor, Suzanne.

My eldest student was 80, and he survived the math class.

So

there's hope for you, Mary.

Wow.

So if you have any questions, don't hesitate to stop me as I'm explaining stuff to you if there's something you don't understand.

Before the lesson, Mary Claude made me swear I wouldn't embarrass her in front of her new tutor.

So I promise not to make a peep.

I'm just here to offer silent support.

Removing taxes becomes a challenge, so I just want to make sure that it's understood.

Maybe you already know how to do that.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah.

Right.

Mary Claude is yeah writing Suzanne the same way she used to yeah write Mr.

Goyech.

Only five minutes into the lesson, and I can already tell Mary Claude doesn't understand a thing, not a jot.

If she hopes to pass math, she needs to tell Suzanne when she doesn't understand,

or someone needs to.

Well, right, if the bank charges you three and a quarter.

Sorry,

Mary?

Yeah.

I just wanted to jump in to say if there's something you don't understand.

Get off the phone.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Sorry.

Ignore him.

I've seen her working on it a lot more than before.

Really?

After a few weeks, I convene a daughter's teacher conference with Helen and Katie.

Like, I've seen her after dinner pull out her notes and like start doing some algebra.

Are you kidding?

She seems like more motivated.

She was saying how much she loved the tutor.

Yeah.

She said she wants her to be her life coach.

Sure, Mary Claude's enthusiastic now, but she was also enthusiastic when we first spoke, back before she ghosted me for a whole year.

I asked the girls what they think we can do to keep our problem child on task.

Encouragement.

I think we need more positive reinforcement.

Yeah.

She really needs like

structure.

So I devise a scheme.

Hello.

Mary-Claude.

Hi, Johnny.

How are you?

For structure, I phone Mary Claude every Friday morning on her drive to meet Suzanne to make sure we're still on track.

And for positive reinforcement, I invite a special surprise guest to each of our weekly check-ins to offer words of wisdom.

You ready?

No, I'm busy puking.

From excitement?

No.

I can hardly believe who I was was able to book for this first check-in.

None other than the most popular, most likely to succeed girl from our high school.

Straight from the smart row.

I've got Karen Kastner on the line.

I don't need you to call Karen for me.

I see her on a regular basis, you idiot.

I did not know that.

It's only taken 40 years, but Jonathan Stewart Goldstein is finally friend of a friend of a real life popular girl.

And you know, Karen is really nice in real life.

The truth is, Mary, the truth is that anyone can learn math.

What you have

is such a great way with people.

They like you.

They trust you.

She's calling me stupid.

Over the next few weeks, I book more guests to encourage and inspire.

Guests like Omar Qureshi, one of the best math students in our grade.

I really respect anyone who's trying to reinvent themselves, right?

I really admire that.

And honestly, I feel like this is my eulogy.

Honestly.

I even managed to track down none other than our old math teacher, Bernie the Gooch Goyech.

Oh, hi.

Very close.

Hi.

You remember Mr.

Goyech?

Who doesn't remember Mr.

Goyech?

Everyone remembers the Gooch.

The Gooch, on the other hand?

Do you remember Jonathan from math class?

Who's that?

Who?

That's me, the person who called you.

Well, I...

You know, it's been a while.

Yeah.

When I tell Monsieur Goyech what Mary Claude is trying to do, he offers a story of his own.

In high school, my concentration level was not not great either.

I wanted to become a hockey player, actually.

Monsieur Goyech says that he decided to become a teacher only once he saw his hockey career was taking him nowhere.

But now that he's retired, he's returned to his first love and plays in a recreational hockey league.

I played three times a week.

I just finished last week.

Wow.

It's never too late to give it a chance, right?

No.

After Monsieur Goyech gets off the phone, I review the lesson with Mary Claude.

So what did we learn?

I really gotta get gas.

Ah shit, I parked on the wrong side.

Crap.

We learned that I don't know where my gas tank is.

Mary Claude pulls out and loops around the gas pump.

If she understood math, she'd know that flipping the left side of her car to the right simply by looping around is mathematically impossible.

Unless said loop were a Mobius strip.

But there are no Mobius strip-shaped roads in a Euclidean space like Canada.

Some intelligence can't be measured in the same way as others.

Oh, fuck, I did it again.

And they say math has no real-world application.

Divide by one, 1.4975.

Yes, because 1.49.

Over the next several weeks, Mary Claude continues to work on her assignments.

At first, it's like high school all over again.

Yeah, this is giving me flashbacks.

But with time, Mary Claude grows confident enough to ask for help.

I don't know how to do it.

You don't know.

Okay.

And when she does, Suzanne doesn't make her feel stupid.

She explains things.

So it's not long before Mary Claude is getting the answers right.

$17,500.

Yep.

Wow, I'm very impressed.

Cool.

I never thought I'd live to see the day Mary Claude would call math cool.

It's not an adjective she throws around lightly.

I've only heard her say it about eating poutine, drinking whiskey, and listening to her favorite Canadian rock band, Blue Rodeo.

So to reward her for working so hard these past few months, I book a very special guest for our next check-in.

A 12-time Juno Music Award-winning and 2009 Canadian Walk of Fame receiving, very special guest.

Honestly, this is a get.

I didn't think this was going to come through.

Who could it be?

Jim Cuddy of Blue Rodeo.

Oh, hi, it's Jim Cuddy here.

How did you swing that?

Hello, Mary Claude.

How are you?

I'm great.

How are you?

I'm very good.

Thank you.

As it turns out, it's not just Mary Claude and my friendship that blossomed in math class.

It was in a high school math class that the Canadian John Lennon, Blue Rodeo's Jim Cuddy, first met his friend and future Blue Rodeo bandmate, the Canadian Paul McCartney, Greg Keillor.

That's true.

No way.

That's true.

Greg had moved from Montreal and he came into our math class as a new kid.

It's funny, huh?

So if math didn't exist, Blue Rodeo wouldn't exist, you might say.

That might be stretching it, Jonathan, but I guess you're right.

I mean, you're right.

It is all about math.

I'm trying to impress upon young Mary Claude the importance of mathematics.

Yeah.

As for words of wisdom, the lyrics Jim wrote for the band's hit single, The Canadian Hey Jude, Try, which rocketed to number three on the Canadian Adult Contemporary Chart, seem particularly relevant to Mary Claude's circumstance.

Caught up in the moment, I explode into song.

Girl, you've got nothing but time.

Oh, you are a shining star.

I wait for Jim to join me in an impromptu duet.

Oh, you gotta try.

Try, try.

Jim?

Jim, a consummate professional, as well as a Canadian, graciously allows me to take the solo.

Try.

After my big finish, Jim Cuddy leaves Mary Claude with wise words.

They always make it through, you know.

I mean, you will.

You will.

And you obviously have a good friend in Jonathan that's helping you out.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah.

Thanks, Johnny.

My daughter Katie's here.

She's a huge fan and she's great in math.

Can she say hi to you?

Of course.

Hi.

Hi, Katie.

How you doing?

I'm good.

How are you?

So you're watching the struggles of your mom trying to learn how to play me.

Usually I'm the one bothering Mary Claude.

But a few weeks after my unassisted serenade, I get a call from her.

She's finally gotten back a grade for the coursework.

She needs at least a 60 to move on to the final exam.

And?

Guess what I got?

Okay, this is complicated because I don't want to lowball you and then make you feel like I don't have faith in you, but I don't want to highball you and then make you feel as though you've let me down.

Exactly.

Okay, I am going to say, you know what?

I'm going to be optimistic here because I think you've been really working hard.

I think Suzanne has had a positive impact.

She's great.

I'm going to say

60%.

You are such an asshole.

That's a pass, isn't it?

Are you kidding me?

I'm going to say you passed.

You really have no faith in me.

Is it higher?

Yeah.

65?

Keep going.

66?

Keep going.

Okay, 67.

And she wrote, like, I really think you're making a good effort here.

No.

Come on.

Did you get like a good grade?

Did you?

Yes, I did.

Yes, I did.

Honestly?

Perhaps you'd be happy to know I got a 95%.

That's good.

You got a 95%.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Mary, have you ever gotten a mark that high in math?

No.

No, for crazy.

No, no, no.

On any math test, like even if we went all the way back to kindergarten.

Probably not.

You know what Suzanne told me at my tutoring session a couple weeks ago?

What's that?

She told me I'm one of her brightest students.

And that I actually do understand math.

As Mary Claude tells me about her grade, about Suzanne's praise, there's genuine pride in her voice.

It's wonderful to hear.

Like, I'm actually really kind of enjoying math.

I'm so glad.

That's really great.

Shocking, but true.

With no more assignments to worry about, all Mary Claude has left to do is study for the exam.

It seems like I'll be in Montreal in no time with a big bowl of poutine.

You keep forgetting the whiskey.

And whiskey.

Okay, I'll get myself to the exam.

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Oh, sweet Montreal.

As I walk past the fromageries, perfumeries, and haquieries, I can't help but reflect on how far Mary Claude has come these last five months.

For the first time in her life, Mary Claude has done well in math.

But she's had her tutor, Suzanne, helping her along.

Now she faces a much bigger challenge, the final exam.

And she's going to have to do it alone.

Are you excited about the big chester?

I'm excited for it to be over.

I'm over at Mary Claude's house this morning as she gets ready to leave for the exam.

You want to do some last-minute cramming?

Nah, I either know it or I don't.

Despite Despite Mary Claude being too cool for adult education online school,

I can tell she's nervous.

Every time I try to get us out the door so we can make it to the exam on time, she stalls.

Oh, I have to make the children a smoothie.

Is that what you do each morning?

Yes.

Very nice.

While Mary Claude makes the smoothie, I plug our destination into the GPS.

When she finally finishes, we head out.

Helen and Katie see us off.

Good luck.

You're going to do great.

Thank you, honey.

Just stay calm.

Easier said than done.

I mean, maybe I'll get in there and I'll read all the questions so I won't have the answer and not panic.

I ask if Suzanne had any tips for staying calm during the test.

Mary Claude doesn't think so.

But the mention of Suzanne's name reminds Mary Claude of something that happened during one of their last sessions.

Did I tell you that she told me I was dyslexic?

Whoa, wait.

Yeah, and she, because one time I did something and I was like, oh, I fucked it up.

She goes, well, yeah, well, of course, I mean, you're dyslexic.

Suzanne was matter-of-fact about it.

Certain Mary Claude must have already known.

And as soon as Suzanne said it, it all clicked.

You know, when I meet a family and I make funeral arrangements, they verbally say their address of the postal code and like my brain just goes like

or or if they tell me their home phone number I can't write it down and or like I have to enter payments you know at work and I always screw up the numbers like my friend Mary Lou is always like yeah I fixed it because you entered the numbers backwards

I also can't spell in French or English Mary that's wild you end up like looking back at your entire past differently

I think back to what Mary Khloe told me about Monsieur Spiridin saying she understood the math, that she was smart, but got the answers wrong.

About the disconnect between how simple math seemed on the board, but how impossible it was to apply.

Mary Claude's problem wasn't a math problem after all.

How do you get from point A to point B when you can't even keep the letters straight?

Oh, okay, okay.

Good luck, Mary.

I believe in you.

Mary Mary Claude follows a woman down the carpeted hallway.

She steps into a small room and looks back one more time.

Could you leave, please?

Then the exam room door closes, and her test begins.

The exam takes three hours, so in the meantime, I borrow Mary Claude's car to get the poutine and whiskey.

Upon my return, I scout the best place in the vestibule to assume a squatting position.

Whiskey bottle proffered like a rolled-up graduation diploma, and scalding bowl of poutine balanced atop my head like a graduation cap.

But before I can take a knee, Mary Claude appears.

I finished!

When did you finish?

Like 10 minutes ago.

Are you kidding?

I'm not sure if this is a good sign or a bad one.

How did it go?

Let's see.

I show Mary Claude the whiskey.

You want to have some now?

Yes, I do.

Straight from the bottle.

Yes.

Here.

I don't know whether the whiskey we're about to drink is victory whiskey or consolation whiskey.

But maybe it doesn't matter.

After all, Mary Claude made it this far.

Maybe I had to get you to the finish line kicking and screaming, but we crossed that finish line.

You had a hard time with all this.

I want to make the toast to you.

Okay.

To getting from point A to point B.

Here, give me a big hug.

Get the mic against the scuffing sounds.

I don't know why Mary Claude's put up with me for so many years.

From the constant nagging to the bear hugging, I drive Mary Claude crazy.

I know that.

But I'm also able to make her laugh.

Through the good times, but through the bad times as well.

Especially through the bad times.

And maybe that's why we've stayed friends.

Or maybe.

I just know when to bring the whiskey.

That's really good.

Isn't it good?

That's good.

It's like high school again.

Skipping class, sneaking booze.

It feels like being kids, which at 50 is quite a thing.

Uh-oh, uh-oh, someone's coming.

Security's coming.

We gotta go.

Is that true?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's go.

Keep moving.

Okay.

Here.

It feels so much like being kids that I actually lose sight of the fact that the adult coming our way is at least 20 years my junior and not a security guard at all, but just a normal guy who happens to be twice my size.

Oh, I thought a big guy like that was security.

Got really nervous.

She is back.

Congrats, mom.

You did it.

I did the tests.

Yes.

Do you feel relieved?

Yes, you have no idea.

It's over.

Back at Mary Claude's, Helen and Katie are waiting to congratulate their mom.

She said she'd follow through, and she did.

But Mary Claude isn't sure she even passed.

It's an anxiety her daughters, who are so committed to school, just aren't familiar with.

I can't relate to them.

I'm not gonna lie to you.

I really can't.

Like, they work when they're tired, they work when they don't want to.

Like, I beg them to watch Martin Family with me or something, and they're like, no, I have to study.

And I'm like, come on, come on.

I'm just really not that motivated.

But they have a motivation that I lack.

I feel like, even as an adult, I lack it, you know?

As Mary Claude speaks, Helen tries to interrupt.

Katie joins in too.

Like running.

Like she decided a couple years ago she wanted to like get healthy and all that.

And she has ran like every day for the past, I don't know, five years or something.

You know, she eats healthy, she works out.

Yeah.

What else is something that she started and she's seen through?

I mean, she raised us.

Yeah.

I mean, yeah, we're always, she always makes sure we have food.

No, for real, you're always like making sure we have stuff to eat.

We know like wherever we're going, how we're getting home.

Like, there's never been a time where I'm like, oh, mom just like forgot about me.

The most important commitment Mary Claude made,

she kept.

About a month later, I get word that Mary Claude's got the final exam back.

It's Friday, so I phone up for one last check-in.

Mary Claude picks up and delivers the news.

I got a whopping 57.

You're kidding.

My heart sinks.

If only I'd pushed Mary Claude 3% harder.

And a pass is 50.

Oh, that's great.

You made it.

I passed.

I thought 60 was a pass.

No, you have to get 50 on the exam.

Like, I guess the assignment, I think the assignments were worth 50% and the exam was worth 50%.

So that's why you had to get at least 50%.

I don't.

Math.

I don't know.

i don't know

are you proud of me

honestly i'm really

i'm tempted to say a great many things jokey things but in the end i don't i i'm i don't know what to say i'm just uh it just makes me feel really happy thanks friends it means a lot to me.

Mary Claude is happy she passed.

But the thing she's most happy about is that today is Friday.

And for the first time in months, she doesn't have to worry about math.

She has the whole day to herself.

And she knows just how she wants to spend it.

I'm so excited.

I'm going to go shopping for the girls' birthdays.

Helen had her birthday, but we're having her party tomorrow with the family, and I have to go get cake for both of them and a birthday present for Katie.

And then Katie just texted me like yesterday or something, like, Oh my god, where is this birthday?

Now that the furniture's returning to its goodwill home

Now that the last month's rent is scheming with the damaged deposit

Take this moment to decide

if we meant it if we tried

But felt around for far too much.

From things that accidentally touched.

This episode of Heavyweight was produced by Stevie Lane and me, Jonathan Goldstein, along with Khalila Holt and B.A.

Parker.

The show is edited by Jorge Just.

Special thanks to Emily Condon, Alex Bloomberg, Lulu Miller, Mimi O'Donnell, Nabil Chulumpot, Drew Zambruski, and Jackie Cohen.

Bobby Lord mixed the episode with original music by Christine Fellows, John K.

Sampson, Michael Hearst, Edwin, Haley Shaw, and Bobby Lord.

Additional music credits can be found on our website, gimletmedia.com/slash heavyweight.

Our theme song is by The Weaker Thans, courtesy of Epitaph Records, and our ad music is by Haley Shaw.

Follow us on Twitter at heavyweight or email us at heavyweight at gimletmedia.com.

To see photos from this week's episode, as well as all of our episodes this season, you can visit our show page on Spotify.

This was our final episode of season four, but we're already starting to look for stories for season five.

So if you have one, email us at heavyweight at gimletmedia.com.

And if you want to support the show, please, for the love of God and all that's holy, follow us for free on Spotify.

Boy, am I thoisty?

Must be those pretzels.

Oh my god, can we do that?

No, I don't think so.

Don't do that.

Thanks for listening.

What's the name of your podcast?

You don't even know the name of my podcast, do you?

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