The Heavy Wait Diaries: Chapter 5

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Speaker 7 Previously on Miller High Life presents the Heavyweight diaries. I want 10 heavyweight pitches on my desk by Monday morning.
It's coming along redonculously amazing, I say.

Speaker 7 Let's have a listening party in a week. I pray to God.
Timothy Nelson. Timothy Nelson.
Timothy Nelson doesn't burst in. We can listen while eating healthy treats.

Speaker 7 In the office on Monday, Timothy Nelson is seated manspreadedly at a desk between producers Khalila Holt and Stevie Lane. Hey man, Timothy Nelson says.

Speaker 7 Why is Timothy Nelson in our office? I ask.

Speaker 7 I'm here to negotiate the number of heavies weight you demand of your staff, says Timothy Nelson.

Speaker 7 We've unionized, says producer Khalila Holt, tentatively raising her fist. Timothy Nelson is our union representative.

Speaker 7 You have authorized this man to speak on your behalf, I ask.

Speaker 7 Why, I've never seen this man before in my life.

Speaker 7 We all know it's a bold-faced lie.

Speaker 7 I'd actually been stuck with Timothy Nelson in the office elevator that very morning as I overheard him bore one of the studio engineers with a meandering story about how he and his girlfriend had ordered delivery from the subway sandwich just below his apartment.

Speaker 7 It was a sad, punishingly boring tale that after what felt like fifteen or twenty interminable minutes, climaxed in some sort of gift of the Magi nonsense in which her sandwich, ordered Sans olives, was presented with olives, and his order, ordered with olives, was received without a single one.

Speaker 7 By the time I finally exited the elevator, I felt as though my brain had been soaked in

Speaker 7 Now, we both know that ten heavyweight pitches is ridiculous, says Timothy Nelson, no longer some elevator buffoon, but a genuine threat to my dominion.

Speaker 7 Everyone knows, Timothy Nelson continues, the amount of care and craft that goes into a heavyweight. It makes every other gimlet show sound like two leprechauns shouting in a barrel.

Speaker 7 So I'm going to assume that such a proposal is just more of your inscrutable deadpan comedy. Now, what can you reasonably propose?

Speaker 7 Who, pray tell, voted for this nightmare? I ask, my voice trembling. Gimlet Media editor Jorge Just, Stevie says.

Speaker 7 He was in the moment Timothy Nelson promised unexpired yogurt and Miller High Life in the Gimlet Media Break Room.

Speaker 7 Oh, how will I ever find hopeful stories of sadness and regret under these working circumstances? I shriek.

Speaker 7 The shriek has barely escaped my lips when CEO and Gimlet Media founder Alex Bloomberg cranes his $600 haircut through the office door. Knock, knock, he calls out in a sing-song voice.

Speaker 7 Are we all set for our listening party? Can't wait to hear the first episode of the new season of Heavyweight.

Speaker 7 Union Bylaw 301 Addenda 2 dictates that all listening parties must be supplied with olives, both black and green, says Timothy Nelson.

Speaker 7 I happen to have a few jars of calamadas in my file cabinet, exclaims Bloomberg. I'll be right back.

Speaker 7 In mere seconds, Bloomberg Bloomberg would return, dressed in his listening smock, ready for a preview party at which, save for the sound of Timothy Nelson gobbling fistfuls of olives and the rumblings of my own intemperate bowels, there would be absolutely nothing to listen to.

Speaker 7 This has been chapter 5 of the Heavyweight Diaries. The next season of Heavyweight will begin in four weeks on September 26th.
The best place to listen to Heavyweight is on Spotify.

Speaker 7 The second best place to listen to Heavyweight is over the stadium sound system during the Super Bowl halftime show, sitting quietly in rapt attention with 75,000 teary-eyed friends.

Speaker 7 Heavyweight is me, Jonathan Goldstein, along with Jorge Just, Stevie Lane, Khalila Holt, and B.A. Parker.
This episode was mixed by Emma Munger. Music by Bobby Lorde.

Speaker 7 Our ad music is Vivaldi Spring, performed by the Wichita State University Chamber Players. We'll have a new chapter of the Heavyweight Diaries next week.

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