NFL Team Slogans for 2025

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Before you do that, and this is a nod to George Kittle.

Oh, there they are.

Connor Orr has smelling salts.

So, without further ado, Connor,

yeah, here's what we're going to do.

You're going to drill the smelling salts and then go right into your preseason takes, like, right into it.

Okay, here we go.

Connor, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Welcome to Heed the Call.

Heeding that call on a Thursday

as preseason begins in earnest across the NFL.

You know what that means?

The local announcers get their turn.

Love it.

All of a sudden, the weather guy is breaking down the Bengals linebacker situation.

Dan Hans is here.

Mark Sessler, Connor Orr, Justin Graver on the ones and twos.

Mark, we could be cynical about it if we want, but we don't always have to be cynical about it.

It's like it is football, and if nothing else, the true arrival of the preseason means we're that much closer to real football.

So it just, it gets it,

it's warming up a little bit more.

You know, back when, yeah, like, you know, I grew up in the tri-state area like you, and it was very tough back then to get to get Giants or Jets tickets.

Almost impossible.

It's like tickets handed down from father to son.

So the games that I went to as a kid were usually, and a lot of times as a Browns fan, they tended to play the Jets and Giants almost annually.

That's the game I'd go to.

And so the preseason as a kid was kind of magical for me to have football back.

So I'm trying to shift my POV and my focus to be less cynical and to be eyes open that this is the beginning of a journey for all for for 32 teams maybe closer to 25 teams he's still going folks i love it

that's a great call i remember growing up you know my dad at his at his where he worked um there was tickets that would float around i've i've

kind of moaned about this for years on this show that these poor season ticket holders they only get eight games or whatever and then you get roped into paying full price for the two preseason games or at least it was two back in the day those tickets were always flying around in August.

So I always went to a Jets preseason game.

And if we were lucky, it was the Jets Giants preseason game, which was the third game, which was when the starters play more.

And obviously there was a little juice in the building at Old Giants Stadium.

But anyway, I don't even know.

Connor, do they do the Snoopy Bowl anymore?

Isn't it gone?

I don't think so.

They don't do the Snoopy Bowl anymore?

But is it still there?

Because it was sponsored, too, by.

Let's dig into this.

Justin, maybe you could do a little research on that one.

Didn't it die when Rex Ryan killed Mark Sanchez?

I don't know if that was the impetus for ending the Snoopy Bowl, but that would be fair.

All right.

Today, coming up, I love this.

Every year, team slogans for 2025 with special guest Arif Hassan as we go through every team in the league.

And we'll get into a little bit of the preseason look ahead.

But first, before we get going, we don't do this a lot.

We don't ask our fans to do it nearly as much as other shows do, which is not to take down other shows.

In fact, it probably means other shows are just smarter about building their podcast and their business.

But we could use some help.

Football season, obviously, as we're talking about, is fast approaching.

And we want to be as high as we can be on the podcast charts, wherever that is, if it's Apple, Spotify, those measurement markers.

And to get there, we need as many new podcast ratings, reviews, and followers as possible.

So please, we do, this is a hero to hedonist request.

If you could head to whatever app you prefer, like I said, Apple, Spotify, whatever, just go give us a five-star rating, leave a review,

unfollow, and this is a note from Gravy, unfollow and refollow the pod.

That's a move, huh?

Well, that's next level.

That's not left.

Just don't forget, this is kind of cheating, and I like it.

This is, this is right out of like Spygate, but it's time to play dirty because I want on those charts.

I check the charts occasionally, and we're not on them right now, but I know we can get there.

We've been there in the past, and with the show entering year two, I want to invade the charts like the f ⁇ ing Beatles in 1964, okay?

So, but to do this, go ahead, Justin.

Just put a bow on it.

Yeah, so these charts are influenced heavily by the recent activity on the podcast.

So if you've been following us or subscribed or whatever, they changed it to follow follow on Apple Podcasts, but whatever.

If that's how you've been with the show for a long time, obviously we really appreciate you.

But to get that new activity, that recent activity, just unfollow and refollow.

And it counts you as a new subscriber for the algorithm that pushes us up the charts.

Same thing with reviews and five-star ratings.

Are we a little dim to announce this strategy publicly?

versus over private channels?

Because now other podcasts can be like,

we should do a similar tactic.

I think it's the cost of doing business in this case, Sassy.

I know what you're saying, but we want to amplify this as much as we can, so we're using the big show to do it.

Okay.

And I don't know if we have like a secret society underground meeting where we could spread the word here.

Maybe digitally on the subreddit.

But anyway, we lack that.

We lack

an individual mailer, you know?

Exactly.

So help us out if you can, because we want this to be the biggest year ever for Heed the Call.

And we're so excited about the year two and have things to share with you in the coming weeks about our setup and

how excited we are to grow as a show.

All right, let's talk before we get to Arif and the team slogans.

A little preseason action.

Connor wrote a great piece, 10 Things to Watch in Week One of the NFL preseason over on SI.com.

Check it out.

Connor, I want you to kind of share maybe a few items from that article, if you can, that really jump out to you, what you're looking forward to this weekend.

But before you do that, uh, and this is a nod to George Kittle

and the uh news, the although slightly erroneous, Connor, that that smelling salts were banned on NFL sidelines, it turns out the actual language, a little update to this story, uh, is that teams are no longer, this feels like a bad idea, by the way, teams are no longer to supply allowed to supply their players with smelling salts, but they are not the players precluded from using smelling salts on the sidelines.

So go find your own stash somewhere.

This is a PED bust waiting to happen by the way.

Yes.

But you can continue to jack up your mind and make things really hard for the concussion doctor.

What are we doing?

I don't know.

It's like, yes, don't allow the doctors to order the drugs, the ammonia drugs that you're taking.

Please seek it out on the black market somewhere.

And isn't that the whole thing with

people that seek out drugs, go to a trusted source?

No, go to the place on the hill in Spring Valley, and good luck to you.

All right, Connor, you did say you were going to try to, you were efforting to get, oh, there they are.

Connor Orr has smelling salts.

So why don't we just to kick off this episode in earnest?

Con man, you want to do it?

You want to do it live on the show?

Are you worried what could happen?

What if, wait, what if Connor faints?

What if Connor, I don't know, what if Connor expires?

Is that, are we on the hook?

Like, well, in the future, the future is unknown, and that's why

it's a show.

That's show business.

Yeah, I mean, probably should have buttoned this stuff up before we tried it, but here we are.

Did you tell your children you loved them and kissed your wife before you went down to the basement today?

She reminded me because I came down here to do some work, and she said, You left your smelling salts on the counter.

Can you please come get them?

So, this is, I did have to go up and get them.

So, I'm sure she's a very man in Grateful Dead Hat dies of

over-the-counter drugs.

I could actually picture having been married now for 12 years, like the slight tone of aggravation/slash menace, like she doesn't really like this idea or that these things are laying around the house and there's kids around.

All right, without further ado.

Is your career serious?

Could be a game.

Yeah, here's what we're going to do.

You're going to drill the smelling salts and then go right into your preseason takes, like right into it.

No hesitation.

Here we go, baby.

Can we get a little Tiffany, a little drum roll here?

Hold inhalant away from face and crush between thumb and forefinger.

Carefully approach crushed inhalant to the nostrils of affected person.

All right.

Okay.

All right.

Like even the even the instructions, like the affected person.

It's like you're using something.

All right, hit it, Justin.

You're using something to treat.

I don't think this should be illegal anymore.

Okay, here we go.

Connor, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Oh,

Straight into the points, straight into the preseason talk.

Go!

All right, we got Riley Leonard playing for the Colts, and what's interesting about Riley Leonard is he scored 17 rushing touchdowns in college at Notre Dame.

And here's why I think this is important, right?

We're talking about Anthony Richardson and we're talking about Daniel Jones.

None of them are

overwhelming.

All right,

these guys are completely, you know, not overwhelming favorites here.

And I'm not saying that Riley Leonard is going to usurp any of these guys, but both of them are terrible red zone quarterbacks.

Riley Leonard is aces in the red zone, was one of the better running quarterbacks in recent NCAA history.

Connor, your pupils are fully dilated.

And he's had a pretty good camp, reportedly.

So I think that's someone I'm interested in.

Similar, I mentioned this on the show before, but will Jalen Milro have some goal line packages?

I think that's going to be something that's part of the Seattle offense.

Moving down, I'm going to skip a couple names down on my list to Tyler Luke, who's the Ravens.

I can't even understand it.

I forgot about the fact that the Ravens have a new kicker.

Tyler Luke,

they're using trackman data.

And so trackman data is what the Houston Astros dynasty used to get data on their pitchers.

They're using that with Tyler Luke.

Well, you know,

anyway,

they're using trackman data to measure his kicks.

He had a 60-yarder in the Ravens team scrimmage the other day that would have been good for 68, reportedly.

He's crushing it.

He wears a GoPro when he kicks, so he can evaluate his mechanics.

I want to see him kick in a live kite.

He's a kid as a kite.

He is like swallowed a helium balloon.

By the way,

the Ravens being the Packers quarterback equivalent of Brett Favre to Aaron Rodgers to Jordan Love, but the kicking game seems like so obvious.

Go get this kid in your fantasy leagues.

It just feels like that's an old play out.

I will call it that.

But we don't like this is the first time he's going to be kicking in live bullets, and you know that Harbaugh is a former special teams man, former special teams coordinator, is going to put him into some uncomfortable situations.

Two more very quick ones since I'm still talking fast.

I feel great, by the way.

You send some of these to me.

Yes.

Chip Kelly is calling his first game for the Raiders.

And so I actually went back and I watched 2013 and 2014 Chip Kelly preseason film with the Eagles, which doesn't sound exciting, but it super was.

This guy was running f ⁇ ing RPOs in 2014, four years before the Eagles did this with Carson Wentz and basically bowled their way to a Super Bowl.

Sometimes that offense looks vanilla, but he's going to sprinkle in some shit that we've never seen before.

And the last, and I know we've got some other stuff that you want to bring up from the list, but I also want to talk about the fact that, dude, Mac Jones is playing for Kyle Shanahan now in the preseason.

The last three quarterbacks, the last three quarterbacks who have started and played as backups for Kyle Shanahan went on to have like multi-million dollar contracts.

I mean, think about Sam Darnold, Brock Purdy.

This is a, we're in a dearth of quarterbacks in the NFL.

Mac Jones is going to be a starter next year, mark my words, and it starts this weekend.

That guy is terrible.

He's terrible, but he's kind of fun.

He's in 10 games this rookie year.

He played pretty well at spots last year.

You know what?

He's like, what would it be like if someone with the athletic skill set of a, like a Jim McMahon was dropped into the professional football realm 30 years later?

but had all the attitude and sass of a superstar.

I'm glad.

I talked about this last year.

I'm glad that Mac Jones is still in the league because he's just kind of fun to watch, his whole

swaggering attitude.

But him getting a multi-million dollar, like multi-year deal as a starter, that would surprise me.

You know,

you read these.

It would have surprised a lot of people about Sam Darnold two years ago.

You read these articles that come out, and it's like typically very obvious, overt stuff for the person that's just getting back into football or like a fantasy guy, just

like preparing for his draft.

But Connor, those are very granular, strange items, and I like that about you that kind of got me juiced up for.

This is someone that went and watched Chip Kelly's 2013-2014 preseason coaching tape.

He's flush in the face.

Hello.

Yeah, and he's also

high on drinks.

Houston 500 or something here.

All right, other preseason things, just to know, things that are happening, a little info dump here.

The NFL has suspended Vikings wide receiver Jordan Addison for the first three games of the regular season for violating the NFL's substances of abuse policy.

So he misses Bears, Falcons, Bengals.

I believe when you're suspended, you are permitted to play in the preseason, right?

And it's just that it kicks in once the season starts.

This was bad news.

This came up as we were getting ready to tape today.

Offensive tackle, Rashawn Slater carted off at Chargers practice.

Daniel Popper reports: as the medical cart reached a sideline, Rashawn Slater threw his helmet in frustration.

He slammed his hand onto the cart.

A trainer placed a towel over Slater's head.

Slater was then helped inside the bolt.

I guess that's the name of the facility by two trainers.

If you know, whenever the towel comes out over the head, it typically means a player who is very upset and emotional, and it doesn't usually lead to a good prognosis.

That would be a huge loss, Mark, for the Chargers who are looking for stability and have turned their front into a strength in front of Justin Herbert.

Absolutely.

Beyond Herbert, I think he's the best player on their team on offense, and it's a key position, and it changes everything.

We talked about their wide receivers yesterday.

Not the strongest group.

It's like, I don't know, it's a little bit of an arrow down on the Chargers in general.

They were seen as sort of a shiny operation that might sneak into a deeper playoff run.

I don't see that right now.

That's a terrible loss.

It's kind of like why I hate the preseason and the training camp scenario, too.

I mean, you have to practice, though.

No, you do.

I mean, that's obvious, but it's just

if anything, you know, it's a reminder with offensive linemen how this doesn't happen more, right?

Kind of these guys, these giant bodies and these blocking drills and guys falling down, slipping, tripping, getting trucked.

And you just have to kind of hold your breath that you don't get rolled up on.

And I don't know if that's exactly what happened here, but the number 13 overall pick in the 2021 draft just signed a four-year extension, and he earned a second Pro Bowl berth in 2024.

So that's a big, big loss if Slater misses extended time.

Another cart situation, CJ Gardner Johnson,

now with the Texans.

D'Amico Ryan's had no update on his status, but said this afterwards, it's heartbreaking when you see a guy go down on the field like that and doesn't get up quickly.

So, when you throw words like that around, that doesn't sound good, but hopefully,

it doesn't end up being as serious as it seems.

Colts quarterback Anthony Richardson

will start tonight versus the Ravens.

Coach Shane Sagan announced Daniel Jones gets to start week two versus the Packers.

We had some fun with that earlier this week on the depth chart.

Their number, their QBs, it's QB1 is Richardson or Daniel Jones.

I guess this tracks with that, where they're both going to get a crack.

But also, only one guy could start the first preseason game.

I still believe Anthony Richardson is the guy they want to start week one

if he can play the guitar.

But so far,

the strings are broken.

And let's see.

Browns quarterback Shador Sanders now has been officially announced as Friday Night Starter versus the Panthers.

They recently assigned Snoop Huntley.

Joe Flacco, Kenny Pickett, and Dylan Gabriel will not play.

The majority of snaps are going to Sanders and the former Pro Bowl QB.

Don't forget Snoop.

Pro Bowl pick.

Are they banged up?

How did Snoop have to get in the picture?

Because it didn't seem like we needed more quarterbacks in Cleveland, Mark.

Pickett had a hamstring, I believe.

Gabriel was out of practice for a number of days because of something similar.

Sanders had a tired throwing arm at one point.

Flacco is going to be the starter.

That's just where we start there.

But I will say one thing about about Sanders for love or hate the whole situation.

Like, is there a quarterback you could name in week one preseason that more people will be focused on than Sanders?

Like, I think it's going to be,

it kind of is the thing that makes preseason like you must watch what happens here because it's just simply Shador Sanders, whether you like him or not.

Well, he's a fifth-round pick to me.

In Justin's...

defense, Cam Ward's the number one overall pick.

I'd like to see how he looks.

You can say that, but

that's what I'm saying is sort of weird about it.

It's a weird quarterback draft class, right?

It is.

And Cam Ward probably is in reality the 10 times bigger deal, but nobody seems to care.

Where Shador Sanders, like everyone's going to be breaking down what happens to him on Monday morning.

Absolutely.

That is absolutely true.

And finally,

before we take a break and get into team slogans, Connor, you had one more note on a Patriots wide receiver who comes from a heritage of players that are similar to him.

Should I say Efton Chisholm has great genes?

Is that the way to get into this conversation?

Go ahead.

Take it away.

Yes.

So one of my preseason fascinations is Efton Chisholm the third from Eastern Washington.

Love it.

And Josh McDaniels is back as New England's offensive coordinator.

And of course, as one is wont to do, when you have a small of stature white wide receiver, you lock him in a closet and make him watch Danny M.

Mendola tape, which Efton Chisholm has been doing all preseason.

He's kind of stirring the pot here in New England.

Might make the team as UDFA.

And they have some kind of bigger names ahead of him that could end up getting cut because of this.

So

it's just exciting to have the Patriots have like a tiny white workhorse wide receiver again.

It just makes me feel like I'm not that.

It makes you feel young again, doesn't it?

There's a nostalgic itch to it all.

Like back when you thought that was just part of the strategy and not that it just happened to work out that way.

Should we quickly power rank the whites at wide receiver for the Patriots?

I'll go

Edelman one.

I'll go Welker two.

I'll go

Amendola three.

Who am I missing?

And I'll give Chisholm I'll put in here at

the fourth spot for now, unless I'm missing someone that jumps in.

They had, who did they have that was, hold on.

But yes, I would say Edelman is the clear one, right?

I mean, I would flip Edelman and Welker because I feel like Welker was sort of the trailblazer and then went on to do it.

And then forget about how to do Welker.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Edelman isn't.

Was he not a Super Bowl MVP?

Did he win?

Edelman, yes, I think, because Welker never won.

Welker never went to.

That's the thing.

He had a big high-profile drop to Welker in a Super Bowl.

Right.

If you remember that, yeah.

He did.

That was the Giants Patriots 2.

They could have shot him.

Giselle was like, he cannot throw and catch the ball at the same time.

No, it was, if I recall, I remember the inflection because I remember writing about it on the site.

She was by an elevator bank and it was like, Tom, he cannot throw the ball and catch it too.

There was like a lift to a voice at the end.

Right.

Jesus Christ, he can't throw the ball and catch it too.

Well, you know, she really defended him and it paid off in the long run for the Times.

Woof.

Ah, Ah, woof.

By the way, see this Vrabel

scrum he was in this week?

Mike Vrabel, you know, this is the stuff that,

you know, those New England fans who are dying for that team to return to relevance and just want to feel like there's something special happening up there.

Yeah, it's a wonderful group of people.

The Patriots coach Mike Vrabel jumped into a pile of players on Wednesday's practice with the Commanders and came out with a bloodied cheek, which caught the

attention of players in the the ensuing huddle.

And then here's the quote:

it's like, don't say it, don't do it, Drake.

Don't come on, dude.

Don't do it.

That's what we're trying to build.

And it starts with the head coach.

Intensity.

Bringing it every day.

Taking no crap when we're out there on the field.

The mentality.

I like it.

That's what you want.

So if you want to earn the trust of your players, put yourself in the middle of

a big huddled mass of professional athletes with spear helmets on and get your face knocked up, and then you will be respected at a high level as a symbolic

totem of the future of the organization.

It's the point.

Do you remember when Joe Judge was being such an asshole when he was the coach of the Giants that Daniel, like, there was like eight fights in a row, and then Daniel Jones got into

a fist fight?

That was a story for like a month.

And the teammates being like, like, wow, Daniel Jones is getting into a fight.

Wow, like sky's the limit.

It's like, we misjudged this guy.

All right.

There you go.

That kind of gets you caught up to date a little bit as we head into week one of the preseason.

Connor, where's your after the smelling salts?

That was roughly 15 minutes ago now, I guess.

Where are you at now, headwise?

I'd liken it to the time I had Salvia.

I'd say the highs were high, and now I have a giant headache, and I'm wondering where this stuff came from.

wow.

All right.

So for the show.

He did it for the show.

For the show and we respect that.

The way Drake May, the same quote that Drake May gave about Mike Rabel, I'm just going to mad lib that and that's how I see you after you did the smelling salts for Heed the Call.

Thank you, buddy.

All right, let's take a break.

And when we come back, 2025 team slogans with Arifa-san.

Stay right there.

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Patreon.com slash HeedTheCall.

Viva la Revolución.

He did it us.

All right, we are back.

Okay, this is a tradition on the show.

I love it.

I look forward to it every year.

Connor, I feel like

you were always

a member of the old around the NFL team, but the one show I feel like you were always on, or it felt like you were always on, was team slogans for the new season.

So, yeah, this one, when I think of this sag, I do think of Connor Orr.

So it's beautiful that we're all together on this fine day.

It's one of my favorite episodes of the year.

I was telling Mark before we started taping.

Also, one that I get very nervous about and very worked up about.

I always compared it to like debating Wes on the podcast about football.

It seems like a no-lose proposition when there are so many funny people around, but we're going to do this.

I'm going to see if I can get in the mix this year.

So I like that.

I don't know if that was a slip or Fordian slip.

You said a no-lose proposition.

So I feel like that speaks to your actual confidence that you will win this segment.

I like that.

Okay.

I like that.

Looking at it from that perspective.

And by the way, we wanted to add another voice and we're like, who's somebody we think would really help?

help?

Make the segment sing.

And our first ask out industry term, you don't need to know anything else,

is the man that we love everything he does.

And he is back for another

run here at Heed the Call.

The great Arif Hassan joins us.

What's up, bud?

Hey, hey, I really hope you're not asking me to sing.

I have not done that in over a decade.

What's your go-to

karaoke song, Arif, if you have to?

Like, Your life is on the line.

You have to

stay in key and basically make it serviceable.

What would that be?

I mean, if he hasn't sung in a decade, he doesn't have a go-to karaoke song

that you might.

Let me give you two answers.

One, if I had to do it tomorrow, which one would I pick?

I'd probably pick Don't Stop Believing, right?

Everyone is very challenging.

And then the last time I actually did karaoke, I was in a real show-off mood, which is actually not how you should be doing karaoke because you want everybody to be involved and have fun.

It's real show-off mode.

I did end of the world as we know it by RAM.

That, I mean, that is highly challenging.

That might be the most words in a four-minute pop song in the last 30 years, right?

So, I, but really, the only thing you really need with that, you have to hit the chorus, and then you have to have chorus hit three, two, one.

Leonard Bernstein,

yeah, you got to nail that one.

You nailed that one, Mark.

Way to stay on top of that.

Well, well, I will say that the if I've done karaoke five times in the last decade, it was Dan, I wouldn't say dragging me up to stage, but bringing me up to stage in a two-man karaoke standard where it's like, I felt massively uncomfortable.

And it wasn't.

I remember that night.

I believe there was enough in the system that there wasn't a dragging.

In fact, those who know Seci know that there might have been some of this with Mark.

You know, when Mark starts doing the erythral Stevie Nick's floating, I believe that was happening on stage.

And we did, what we did was

primitive radio gods standing outside a phone booth with money in my hand.

That song, that old 90s alternative yarn, if you know it, which was that's a spoken word song, so it didn't really get the crowd going, as I recall.

Well, that last part is correct.

I remember there are a lot of blank stares.

Yes, and especially from the female contingent.

Just like, what are we doing here?

All right, let's get into it.

Great to have

Arif Hassan here and check him out at Wide Left Football.

You want to give a little plug?

Tell us a little bit what's going on over there, Arif.

Yeah, Wide Left Off Football, it's my newsletter.

I've got

three, four other writers that contribute pretty regularly, but it does like deep dives into football film, analytics,

stuff like that.

But we also talk about the culture surrounding football, the politics of football.

We try to touch topics that are important to cover, but are often difficult for a lot of legacy media to cover.

And we actually put up a piece up today about the NFL ESPN acquisition piece.

So that's kind of the vibe that we go for.

Excellent.

That sounds like something definitely to check out.

All right.

Let's do this.

Sometimes we go.

Sometimes we do conference.

Sometimes we do division.

I'm going to mix things up.

I'm going to keep everybody on their toes.

We're going to do alphabetical order.

Oh, hello.

And for those who like keeping Sessler on his toes.

And for those that maybe are not familiar with the segment, our job as people who follow the league closely is to come up with a team slogan for each of the 32 NFL squads that kind of sums up where they are, where they're heading, the general energy around the team.

Something that

really should give in

one word, eight words, sometimes 37 words, an idea of where things are headed for this team.

So, without further ado, alphabetical order, we start

with the Arizona Cardinals.

Where's Zumwalt?

Is he Zumwalt okay, you think, with us talking about the Cardinals in this capacity?

I don't know.

I don't know.

All right, let's get into it.

Sess, talk about them.

All right, Sess, get us going, kid.

So, my slogan for the Cardinals, and I've been pretty pro-Cardinals, it was this:

I crushed a small animal in my hands today.

Why does the sun shine?

Wow.

Alphabetical order might not have been the way to go on this.

Well, you know,

they're confusing.

Oh, boy.

All right.

This might be the spirit.

I come up with slogans kind of with that in mind.

Spoiler, this will not be the first time I ask this, Mark, what the f does that mean?

I think they're a confusing team, and I think that's a confused statement from a confused person.

So I'll leave it there.

All right.

Okay.

Connery, what do you got?

The 2025 Arizona Cardinals.

Did you know most of these birds are moving north due to issues with climate change?

I feel like there's some.

Some seven and ten energy to those two slogans.

All right.

Let's move to the Atlanta Falcons.

All right.

I can get us going on this one.

Listen, it's never too easy.

I take every layup possible.

31 teams are about to suffer, ellipses.

Peenix Envy.

There we go.

Nice.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Was it, though?

Next will be Connor.

All right.

Along the same lines, 2025 Atlanta Falcons don't come half cocked.

We're full penics now.

That's the kind of of podcast we are.

Some subconscious energy going on here in the room.

I also like maybe if we had some of these, for some reason, I picture it as

the media guide for each team.

Do they even have media guides anymore?

I don't even know at this point.

They do good.

You access them like digitally through a system called the NFL-OMG or something.

I don't know.

I don't like this.

NFL-O-M-G.

I mean, I like the, like in the old Culver City newsroom and NFL media, there would just be shelves that they had to fill up space.

So there'd just be a trillion media guides.

And occasionally you could access it, but it would just be fun to pick up like the 1997

Phoenix Cardinals media guide.

Like these things would be a little bit...

But I was thinking for my Penix Envy one, because it's so funny that I want to go back to it, a shot of Kirk Cousins just inhaling a Roy Rodgers.

Because he is the man with the most Phoenix envy.

That's my favorite.

And that's the image on the media guide.

Yes, that is the cover image.

Yes.

You got to go there.

All right.

Up next, we have the Baltimore Ravens.

Ceci, what do you say?

I have for the Ravens, please call us from 8 to 5 p.m.

Eastern until January 7th.

That I get.

I get that one.

Another one where I'm picturing the media guide for the Ravens.

It's Mark Andrews on the cover.

You're in good hands.

Oh.

Oh,

Ben hates the Ravens.

Shut up.

Get to a Super Bowl, for Christ's sake.

All right.

Up next,

the Buffalo Bills, Arifa San.

Speaking of Get to a Super Bowl, for Christ's sake.

Yeah, right.

Getting married to finally avoid being the bridesmaid.

That's a good call.

I got boring on hard knocks, but not in real life.

And I think we have one more on this one.

Sassy.

Yes, look at me.

I did hard work on this episode.

Yes, something is tiresome about us that few can pin down.

Hard knocks will make it more overt to the common man or even a woman.

CBS Sports will scream our quarterback's name no matter what.

You will tolerate it.

Then we will dissolve into the landscape with some ref's whistle.

This is a 37-word that we were referencing earlier.

Yeah.

I feel like your little addition there, or even a woman, is going to cost you the feminist of the week cover.

I think it might, but I've not had the cover.

All right, next.

Arif, the Carolina Panthers.

Isaiah 11:6 said, and a little child shall lead them.

I got

Connor, help me out with this one.

Their famous two-word phrase, keep

bounding until you're chafed.

Up next,

the Chicago Bears.

Connor.

All right.

The Chicago Bears.

Clinical studies suggest were slightly more attractive of an option than flamethrowing your career, backing out of the draft, and joining the United Football League.

A reef.

Three-time off-season champs.

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

All right.

I have

why, no, RQB is definitely not haunted by a recurring dream in which he is chased through a graveyard filled with tombstones etched with the names of previous Bears passers.

A dream that always ends with RQB tripping and falling to the ground, then striking a match to reveal the headstone in front of him has his own name on it as hulking, shadow-drenched gravediggers laugh maniacally all around him.

Why do you ask?

Okay.

All right.

Up next,

stupid segment.

The Cincinnati Bengals with Connor Orr.

It's about to get stupider.

Was that our slogan?

Our defense and our skyline chili are both famous for causing a liquidy off-color poo to run down your leg.

I can't believe they green lit that one.

That's nuts.

It's on the milky side and everything.

It's surprising.

Mark,

I have

for the Bengals:

say hello to your next-door neighbors with the marriage and kids that seem ideal, but daddy is doing something evil in the basement, and the young ones are lighting trash cans on fire with matches found in mommy's purse because she's a secret addict in the alleyway.

That's nice and succinct.

I like that.

What time did you write these, Mark?

At varying times

throughout the day,

Count Marculo is up late last night.

I'll tell you what.

Arif.

Mine's two words.

Houseport.

That's

the Cincinnati Bengals.

Let's get Joe's Batmobile and at least 12 third-down stops.

I didn't end up getting the Batmobile.

Tough situation for the kid.

All right.

Stunner, the Cleveland Browns.

We have a clean sweep here.

Four of them.

I'll start this one.

Five QBs, two wins.

Accurate.

Arif.

I think they just added Tyler Huntley.

So mine is when you have six quarterbacks, you have to get that looked at.

Yep.

Let's see.

Mark.

Party line here.

More than 700 employees packed into a multi-million dollar complex, preparing to win at most four games.

Connor.

The 2025 Cleveland Browns.

If Arch Manning was available in the draft and we had the first overall pick, the Manning family would clear out our facility like the counter-terrorist forces in Rainbow Six.

I'm serious.

If we even tried to look at Arch Manning, you'd blink and the franchise would disappear off a grid like a sick Labrador behind old McDonald's barn.

No building, no address, no phone number.

There would be a target sitting at 76 Lou Groza Boulevard.

The AFC North would have three teams by 2028, and you totally forget we ever existed.

It's so funny.

Is that what happens to dogs behind barns?

They just evaporate out of existence.

I hope so.

That's part of the story.

This is dead on.

I hope so.

Let's see.

The Dallas Cowboys.

Arif, it looks like you have two here.

I have two.

Yeah, I couldn't

get into it.

Give us, how about you do one, and then we'll come back to it.

We'll circle back.

Yeah.

Yeah.

My first one is because he's preoccupied with 1919, 1989.

Is that bowling with soup?

Yeah.

Oh, nice.

Bowling for soup.

Denton, Texas, baby.

It's like 20 miles.

I get you on the throwback podcast, Gravy.

Look at that.

Let's see.

Let's see.

Let's see.

Zuzzer, I got Schottenheimer, more like Oppenheimer.

Sorry, Justin, I know you're very high on that coach.

Connor.

I know what you're thinking, but unfortunately, he's going to live to be like 107.

I can almost hear the rattling of ice in an empty tumbler.

Let's see.

Back to Arif.

There's always money in the banana stand.

There's always money in the banana stand.

We have to be the football podcast that uses the most arrested development drops.

We just have to be.

Perfect.

I'd like to see anyone challenge us.

The Denver Broncos.

This is the year Sean Payton's ego becomes sentient.

Arief.

Arief.

Bo burned him.

Oh,

I like that.

Bo Burnham.

I'm still, I've been trying, like, since June 2020, I'm like, I'm going to check out that Bo Burnham panel.

It's on the Docket.

It's on the Docket special.

Everybody's like, oh, you've got to see this Burnham pandemic special.

He finally cut to the core of society.

I was like, I'm on it.

But now it's 2025.

Finally, someone has figured this out.

I'm on it.

All right.

Sidebar.

Mark.

Broncos.

Spiffy, sporty NFL newsboys have us as Super Bowl contenders.

You have no choice but to agree, sit down, comply, and open this little green glass bottle filled with Sean Payton's special fart smells.

That feels self-directed at the whole crew here, and it's fair.

It's very fair.

Let's see.

Let's see.

The Detroit Lions.

Full house on this one.

Connor, get us going.

Okay.

Justin pointed out that I did my order like totally psychotically.

So I was just scrolling and buying time here.

Industry skill.

The 2025 Detroit Lions.

In two years, we'll admit we missed our only shot in 2024.

Yeah, that is my fear.

Mark.

I also realize I don't understand slogans because this is more of like a graph, but you've been using this for like six years.

I know.

It takes me seven or eight years.

But this is going to take like 20 weeks of your time.

We're going to lose in the divisional round.

Your year will be wiped away.

You could have written that novel that changed the West Coast, but thanks for living vicariously through the shared voyage of 57 beefcake/slash blockheads who have never read a book.

Ouch.

Damn.

No, I like that.

I think that's a compliment, actually.

Yeah, well, to some degree.

Corner there.

All right, Arif.

You had something positive, Arif?

I feel like, because I don't think I'm closing it out Mariano style of something positive.

I don't know if this one is positive.

I think it's more spiritually accurate than positive or negative.

Okay.

Tarantino's death proof was about us.

Okay, I like.

I feel like that's positive.

I have the 2025 Detroit Lions.

We're fine.

Everything's fine.

We're 100% fine.

Better than ever, actually.

Why?

Are we not?

Are we not?

Are we not?

Who said something?

Who do you know?

The Green Bay Packers.

Arif.

The unbearable lightness of drafted wide receivers.

Sassy.

I've got

X videos, backslash, pigtails, large bottom.

Oh, wait.

You need a slogan.

Green Bay Packers, rock, let's go.

That was definitely 3.30 in the morning.

Well, is X videos.

In the non-age verification market.

Connor.

All right.

So kind of got to sing this one in

the tune of their celebration that I don't want to work song.

So

our fans seem like fun, but actually commit higher instances of drunken driving and other crimes following losses, which seems to speak to broader issues with them.

That's catchy.

I hope we don't get a copyright strike for that.

Yeah.

The Houston Texans.

CJ Stroud, double-crossed dance fantasy team, but he'll do his best to let that not color his analysis moving forward.

Arif.

Protection is overrated.

Rawdog it.

That does seem like their plan, Mark.

We bring you a to solid distraction to the NFL's actual contenders.

It's so real, it hurts.

Connor.

2025 Houston Texans.

If we moved to London, would anyone give a shit?

The

every group.

That depends.

What if that new London team started wearing Texans throwback uniforms?

Would everyone give a shit then?

Immediately.

By the way, Gravy.

Gravy, my favorite thing whenever we do this is when you try your hand at the slogans.

Are we going to get any from the Gravedigger this year?

I have a handful.

I didn't want to, I intentionally, I knew we were going alphabetical.

I intentionally went to the second half of the alphabet for mine so that I wouldn't have to ruin the beginning of this.

You ramped up the level of difficulty for yourself?

Jeez, bro.

That's a pro now.

No, I just think because I have like virtually nothing in the back half.

All right.

That's how this tends to work.

Everybody's really gung-ho for the first 13.

I was thinking of a Cardinals one, and I was like, actually, no, I don't want to be in the first team.

That's not going to be good for the show.

They got you.

The Indianapolis Colts.

Anthony Richardson and Daniel Jones are our quarterbacks.

Holy shit.

At least we're not the Jaguars.

That's true.

Mark.

I have four civilians murdered in an alleyway, plus Colts-Jaguars highlights.

NBC 13's news night starts now.

Good one.

Connor.

Oh.

Danny Dimes in this unleashed offense.

Now you call him Loose Change.

Oh,

look at that.

You got a big Hassan pop on that one, Or.

Yeah, that's my favorite.

Kind of got a 9-11 conspiracy dock tie-in, too.

Yeah,

dude.

We love any 9-11-related humor.

All right.

How about those WobiGone Jaguars?

Connor, keep it going.

Okay,

I have two if that's all right.

We traded up to the second overall pick to select taller Troy Brown.

Something's cooking here.

Meow.

I'll come back to you for the last one.

Mark.

I've got the imposter syndrome is kicking in hard, but we've got a filthy, urine-heavy pool for young people.

At least we're not the Colts.

That's a theme and I like it.

The Jacksonville Jaguars.

All right, pretty yellow-haired boy.

Throw some happy spirals now.

All right, back to you, Connor.

All right, like the actual Joey Gladstone, this GM needs to cut it out.

I get the reference.

The Kansas City Chiefs, sussy.

If sex with the same person for the 177th time does not heighten dangerous attraction or animalistic concepts, certain studies suggest it might open doors to deeper love.

There's something there.

There's a connection.

Let's see.

Arif.

It's so easy, it's like taking money from a bank.

I get it, and I love it.

The Raiders.

Let's see.

And you thought Tom Brady had regrets about his celebrity roast,

Mark.

We have trapped a large and dominating white horse inside our complex to love and care for.

I think for time reasons, at this point, we're not going to ask Mark what the hell he's talking about.

We're just going to let the audience decide.

Read the teacher.

Holy shit.

Gravedigger.

We got gravedigger.

All right.

Justin's first one.

Here we go.

All right.

Here we go.

The Raiders, from the studio that brought you one playoff win in five years, comes the sequel Event of the Fall, Reunited, starring Geno Smith and Pete Carroll.

I like that.

Very good.

It's professional.

Great start.

Right out of the gate, Justin.

Los Angeles Chargers.

Oh, we have another reference to a certain seminal Fox sitcom.

The 2025 Los Angeles Chargers.

We demand to be taken seriously.

Hey,

another one.

All right, let's move to the other Los Angeles team, the Rams with Cesi.

Don't you worry, Colin.

The NFL will assure we reach the NFC title game.

The Los Angeles Rams.

This is like in dialogue form.

Kelly Stafford, honey, be careful.

Remember you're back.

Matthew Stafford.

Jesus, Kel, give it a rest.

You sound like my mother.

Ugh.

Oh!

All right, stupid.

Terrible.

The Miami Dolphins with Connor Orr.

All right.

Tyreek Hill or a hot-loaded diaper baking in the Florida sun.

Which one will age better in 2025?

Find out.

Coincidence, I have one in this realm as well.

The Miami Dolphins.

Yes, we gave Tyree Kill our nuclear codes.

What's wrong with.

Oh, nice.

Arif.

Tag Ovalia.

He's really been fantastic.

To a tag Ovalia.

He's been fantastic.

Just say to him, pal.

Just say to him.

The Minnesota Vikings with Mark Sessler.

It's not going to happen for the 374th year in a row.

Connor Orr.

All right.

Tried my hand at a poem.

Nice.

You won't soon forget us, no matter how you try.

You enjoy Justin Jefferson while our loved ones cry.

We are the birds that smashed into the windows of U.S.

Bank Stadium, causing our population to winnow.

Enjoy your new QB, young and fresh of face, while the birds of Minnesota try to survive this disgrace.

That's outstanding.

I love that.

That's great.

You can't forget about the dead birds.

There's some artist, there's artistry there.

That was incredible.

Just for the record, though, like, F them birds.

I mean, if they can't figure it out by now,

see,

it's right there.

You just interrupted generations of flight patterns.

Fuck up.

We all have to adapt.

The New England Patriots.

Mark.

White bread and milk products.

Connor.

The 2025 Patriots.

We're going to do the asshole coach thing again.

It just works better.

Okay, yeah, I like that.

The New Orleans Saints.

Uh-oh.

Gravedigger.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Wait, first, okay.

Um, well, you want you want to close?

Okay, Mark,

I'd rather go before him.

Um, Saints, uh, we offer beer and liquor.

That's the cell.

All right, Justin, the floor is yours.

I don't know if this is based on a current event news item that came out this morning.

So,

okay, go ahead.

That's just context.

Yep.

All right.

Wait.

Arch Manning is staying at Texas.

Well, what's the point of all this?

All right, you're up.

Go ahead.

Okay, go.

It's fair.

All right, go.

Oh, that was it.

Okay, guys.

I love you, buddy.

All right, the New York Giants with Connor Orr.

If Zach Wilson banged a hot mom once, can you imagine what Jackson fing dart is capable of?

I love that guy.

He's got the Riz.

Sassy.

Giants, it's an exercise we're going through.

It's no different than your wife doing yoga with very little aesthetic changes from month to month.

Nothing matters.

Stare out the window.

Stare into nothingness.

The New York Jets.

Rest easy, America.

We're back to sucking on Spiro Didas' watch now.

Wow.

A lot of 10 a.m.

starts here in L.A.

Connor Orr.

The New York Jets, just give it six weeks.

It'll be the Bay of Pigs again before you know it.

I mean,

could it get bad that quickly?

I probably can.

Jesus.

Easily.

Six weeks.

The Philadelphia Eagles with Arif Hassan.

They can't keep getting away with it.

So true.

So true.

Be careful.

They'll come for you, Arif.

Connor Orr.

The 2025 Philadelphia Eagles.

When is anyone going to ask serious questions about Big Dom's past?

There's got to be, right?

There's got to be something going on there.

Yes, past and present, I would imagine.

I mean, presentation.

When are they going to ask questions about Big Dom's present?

He's sort of a legend.

Here's the thing.

Here's the thing about.

It's crazy.

Like, these are all real sound drops, by the way.

That's the problem.

That is not an impersonator.

That's just like at some point that was, there was a press conference and that was said.

Yeah.

Here's the thing about Big Dom.

A little sidebar on this because it's a great call.

He's one of those guys that knows all the cops.

So I feel like even if there is this past,

his folder's squeaky clean.

He knows things about the cops, too, and that's why it's effective.

You got to bring in the feds at that point.

Exactly.

We got to go up the ladder.

Let's see.

Up next, the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Let's start with Connor again.

All right, Pittsburgh Steelers, nine and eight, but on drugs this time.

Steelers, the AFC's aging, unthinking uncle is here to party.

Arif.

Jets-fueled spite can't melt these beams.

Two 9-11 references.

So happy about that.

It's a successful show.

That's our ratio.

There's an over-under of one and a half Tuesday references.

And if we hit the over, it's a good show.

The Pittsburgh Steelers, Aaron Rodgers, and Arthur Smith.

What could possibly go wrong?

Let's see.

The San Francisco 49ers.

Only Zuzzer on this one.

Okay.

Fantasy-related.

You're on the clock with a ninth overall pick, and CMC is still on the board.

Well, time to kill yourself.

The Seahawks, Arif.

It worked with Gino.

That's true.

That's true.

The Seattle Seahawks.

What happens to a Darnold hive in cold, damp conditions?

Oh.

I'm worried.

I'm noivous.

Mark, you are alone on Bucks Island.

What do you got?

Okay, sweet and sexy.

Do you want to come home for for the night?

I'm not perfect, but you won't be disappointed.

Just good.

Very sexual in nature.

The Tennessee,

poor Connor, poor Justin, the Tennessee Titans.

Here we go.

We are one of the 32 teams and have the paperwork to prove it.

Sessler.

I've got back the truck up.

You picked us as your favorite team, and you have multiple jerseys, caps, and shirts operating as 90% of your wardrobe, and a spinning helmet that glows on a desk behind you.

We'll pay for the medical attention.

Can you even add to that, and you're not from Tennessee or Houston?

This is a Justin-based comment, yes.

We're concerned.

Connor.

Get your season tickets while supplies last.

We're mid now.

And oh, we got one more.

So, everybody's savor it.

Justin Graver on his favorite team.

Say my name.

I don't have a damn clue who the hell you are.

Yeah, you do.

Say my name.

Is that what's the reference?

Is it Cam Ward?

Yeah, because

nobody knows who Cam Ward is or talks about him at all.

I like that one.

All right.

And closing it out with the Washington Commanders.

The Washington Commanders, less a football team and more a lightning rod for fierce partisan debate.

And to close things out, Connor Orr.

All right.

Beware of the 2025 Commanders.

The last time Washington saw so many surprise victories, it was followed by an attempted insurrection.

You're on notice, NFC East.

Apt.

Beautifully done, everybody.

Wonderful.

There you go.

So now every team, now they could choose, these teams could choose to use these slogans and maybe we could work out some type of monetary

licensing arrangement.

Yeah, transfer there and a licensing arrangement if you want to put it on t-shirts and things of that nature.

But there you go.

It's out there in the Discourse.

Now, Arif, you've said it all.

You've done it.

And every time you're on the show, you are a treat.

Thank you so much, buddy.

Is there anything we could point the fans of Heed to that you're working on right now?

Yeah, just everything's over at Wide Life Football.

So just check out that newsletter.

I got a bunch of stuff going on.

Justin before the show talked about how I recently added James Foster to the group.

He is outstanding, and he's going to come up with, he just pitched me an article during the show while we were all talking.

And it's legit one of the most excited I've been about an article.

So

head over there and you're going to find out all of this incredible stuff about the way that off-season testing works and college coaches and stuff like that.

I think it's really excellent.

Only a male or female moron would not be subscribing to

this production that you've created.

Thank you.

I agree.

Again, with the male and female distinction there.

Well, they're different.

But equal, but equal.

They're also equal.

Separate but equal.

The slow.

Same for silver horses, Mark.

All right, Arif, thank you very much, buddy.

We'll see you around.

There he goes.

Arif Hassan, always a pleasure, and that was fun.

Slogans in the cam.

This is the time of year.

Sassy, I always enjoy this because we have those recurring segments for late summer heading into week one that are always so much fun.

Coming up next week, we're going to hit the over-unders for a 2025 win total across the NFL where we all pick three or four and we see how we did do at the end of the season.

That's always fun with a special guest to be named later.

I like that.

I like that

we didn't really methodically track our over-under predictions from a year ago.

And I like that because I typically do very poorly at that.

So I don't need that to be rephrased or brought back into reality.

Like, let's just assume because I cover football that I did pretty well with it.

Yeah, well, now we definitely have to check.

Did we do it last summer?

Last summer was weird.

I don't even know if we did.

I don't think we did.

We didn't.

The year before, I went 0-4, and it was brought back multiple times on NFL network and on various platforms to embarrass me and my integrity.

Well, I think the best way to combat that is not go 0-4

this year, Mark.

So, Redemption has a name, and it's See

or YARK.

And that's coming next week, including all the other stuff.

And if three shows, three big shows isn't enough, go head over to the subreddit and do what you must there and support the show.

Friday Fun Show is new.

It came from the subreddit is new.

Rolling Thunder, a new throwback podcast is coming up.

All that great stuff, the Silver Horses newsletter.

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Be a true hedonist.

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And until next time, heed the call.