How to Meet Your Dream Woman—and How Jason Dated a Lakers Cheerleader! (Live Coaching)

there's like a random thursday after like a month i'm not approaching i'll go up to a la lakers

cheerleader in target approach her get her number and then we go on a date i'm like what the hell

i did 40 approaches in one week did you get an la lakers phone number yeah i went on a date one on a date okay welcome back to the how to Get a Girlfriend podcast.

I'm your host, dating coach Conal Barrett.

I am here to help you flirt with confidence, get more dates,

know exactly what to say, how to talk to women,

and get a great girlfriend, and do it by being authentic.

No sketchy pickup nonsense needed.

This is about dating with authenticity, with vulnerability, with integrity. Because guess what? Women like you for you.
They really do. And today's a really special episode because I'm going to pull the curtain back on what I do as a dating coach.
You're going to be able to listen in on a coaching session I did with my incredible client, Jason. Jason is a great guy.
He lives in Southern California. He used to live in New York.
He's now in SoCal and he's now in LA. And he and I have been working together for a little while.
He first came to me, he was dealing with two big problems. He had really bad approach anxiety.
He could not walk up to a woman and talk to her in any kind of flirtatious

way. He has now done it many, many times.
In the episode you're about to listen to, he talks about

approaching an LA Lakers cheerleader and getting her number. Those are the moments that make me

so happy to be a coach. It's like, hey, Connell, I got a date with an LA Lakers cheerleader.

I'm like, oh my God, that's priceless to me. He was also struggling with how to talk to women.
Like, what the heck do you say on a date? Or what the heck do you say when you approach a woman? And here's a really quick story. And then we'll get to the episode.
And you can hear me coaching Jason. There's some really good tips in here for Jason and, of course, about how to text women, how often to text women, how to message them, how to approach, what to say, what not to say.
But I want to tell a really quick story about Jason. So I do in-person coaching in New York City and sometimes in Los Angeles.
I go out for a whole weekend. I call it the wingman weekend, where we go out for a weekend and I'm literally your coach side by side, shoulder to shoulder with you, helping you approach women and doing demonstrations for you and helping you get numbers and dates.
That's what I do in person. It's my favorite kind of coaching to do.
It's super personalized, super one-on-one. And I was doing that with Jason a while back, and he had this fantastic breakthrough.
Because what Jason was struggling with at the time was, what do I say? When I walk up, I don't know what to say. And he was trying to think of the perfect thing to say.
He had this really high bar for how good he thought his approach opener had to be. And so we were out together doing our wingman weekend.
We're at a bar in New York City called Gem. It's a really lively place filled with tons of really attractive women and men.
And I was his wingman for the night. And he saw two women standing next to the bar.
And he said, I don't know what to say, Connell. What do I do? So I gave him one of my favorite exercises.
I said, well, what's the most honest thing you're thinking and feeling right now? And he said, oh, the most honest thing is I don't know what to say. So I said, great.
There's your opening line. Approach with that.
Approach with vulnerability, with genuineness. And he said, OK, he kind of laughed and smiled.
And that relaxed him because it just seemed so absurd. He's going to walk up and just say, I don't know what to say to you.
So he walks over. And he says, oh, hey, there's two women, one blonde, one brunette.
And he said, hey, what's up? I just saw you and I don't know what to say. I'm Jason.
And they said, oh, hey, what's up? I'm Sarah. I'm Emily.
She barely even heard him say, I don't know what to say. All she knew was this well-dressed, sincere, good-hearted guy came up and was being genuine and bringing good, authentic vibes to the table.
And less than 10 minutes later, he was making out with the brunette. 10-minute, almost instant bar makeout.
And look, I'm not saying they fell in love. I'm not saying their boyfriend, girlfriend, but it's a pretty good night when you can walk into a bar and be making out with a really cute brunette in less than 10 minutes.
And all he did was say, hey, what's up? I don't know what to say. I'm Jason.
He was vulnerable. He leaned into it and she didn't even care that he quote, didn't know what to say.
And then he had no trouble with what to say because the hard part was over. He was talking to the really attractive woman and they were clicking and vibing.
And the lesson here I want to share with you before we get into the episode or the coaching session is lower the bar for how good you think your opening line has to be. If you're going to say hi to an attractive woman out in the world, look, if you have a witty, awesome thing that comes up in the moment, great, say that.
If you don't, then just say whatever's on your mind, as long as it's genuine, as long as it's G-rated, not vulgar, right? So I love approaching or having my clients approach women with true vulnerable moments of genuineness, Like Jason just saying, hey, I don't know what to say. And then that worked.
That can work. In fact, it can work really well because unlike all the other guys at the bar walking up to that brunette who were using smooth lines or trying to find the perfect thing to say, he was being really genuine and real.
And genuineness, realness, authenticity, it is just so rare and priceless and women love it.

And then as soon as the approach went well, Jason completely relaxed. And then he was saying

funny, cool, awesome things in addition to just normal conversation because the bar was now low.

He knew the approach had gone well, it was going well, and then the right words came to mind. So if you're not sure what to say to a woman, say this.
Excuse me, miss, I just saw you and I don't know what to say, but I wanted to meet you. That is the deepest, truest thing you could share in that moment, and women love that.
Okay, now let's get into the coaching call with my man, Jason. Enjoy.
All right, let's get to it. Jason, what's up, my man? Hey, good to hear from you.
How you doing? You too. You too.
How can I serve you? Jason, what's up, bro? Sure. I mean, you know, I've been practicing the material that you've taught for a little while now.
And I feel as though I've now encountered some nuanced types of situations at this point in the game. So I feel like I have some niche questions slash topics I'd love to, you know, kind of get your guidance on.
Let's match it up. Yeah.
I feel like I have these successes in waves. You know, there are weeks where like, I'm killing it.
We're pushing myself to do approaches. And then I just kind of wake up and my brain totally resets in the sense that it's like, I feel so great and optimistic about approaching and I'm doing it.
I'm pushing myself and I'll just wake up one day and I'm like, Oh, I'm not really like in the mood or, Oh, the, the, the approach anxiety really just gets so much more powerful than it was the day before. And it becomes so frustrating because I could have so much momentum for like three or four days straight.
And then I just have these periods of where I feel like I reset. And then I go like a month without pushing myself to do it.
And it just feels like I take one step forward and, and two steps back. And I'm not necessarily expecting you to have some magic bullet answer to this.
But I guess my question is, is, is there any methods or things that you've taught or that to kind of combat this like oh I'm doing really well I'm pushing myself but I wake up again and it resets so I'm gonna I'm gonna stop like I hate how I find myself in this situation more often than not so you take action for a while and then you lose some motivation doesn't feel that good to you and then you take a break from that what you're saying? Correct. It just feels like when I wake up some days, like it just resets no matter how much success or how much I'm starting to love the process.
My brain just resets. Like, you know, the approach anxiety on one given day may not feel that strongly on a Monday, but then a Tuesday it's like overpowering compared to the day before.
Okay. That makes sense.
Here's a quick callback story that you might remember. Do you remember a night we went out a while back? This was when you were in New York.
And you were out with me with a couple of my other clients that we were at a bar. And you were really in your head about how to start conversations.
Like what to say. How to say it.
You're like, what do I say? What do I say? What's the right thing to say? And you felt, I could see that the anxiety was pushing back against you. You didn't really want to go approach girls.
At least you wanted to know what to say. And I gave you a line, quote unquote, to use that night, which was to literally say exactly what you were thinking in that moment.
And there were two really cute girls and you walked up to one of them and I believe I had you say, Oh, Hey, what's up? I'm Jason. And I don't know what to say to you.
Yeah. And then five, 10 minutes later, you were making out with one of them, right? Yep.
Yep. I remember this.
I believe it was the gem saloon. Okay.
Got it. Yeah.
Fair to say that 10 minutes later when you were locking lips with this girl you had just met approaching felt a lot better to you than it did 10 minutes earlier. Correct.
Right. So the way you feel in a given moment is just sort of a snapshot of your emotional state and also the story you're telling yourself at the moment.
And what I would like you to do if you have those moments of, oh man, I'm not motivated. Why bother? I don't even want to go out and take action.
That can change as soon as you start taking the action. And who knows, you might get a really cute girl's number or get a really fast makeout like you did that night.
And then you're going to be feeling very differently. But if you say, well, I don't really, if you say, I'm only going to go out and approach women when I feel like it or when I'm in the zone, then you're, how often are you going to feel like you're in the zone and really feel like it? Maybe rarely or maybe not for a while.
And then you lose momentum and you get stuck in sort of a vicious cycle of avoiding action that you know you should take, but it's uncomfortable for you. So the reason I told you that or reminded you of that story that I observed, which was so inspiring, watching you walk up to those girls and just lean into how you were feeling in that moment.
You didn't have a cool witty line. You just said, hey, I don't know what to say.
What's up? I'm Jason. All of a sudden you guys were kissing.
Then you were feeling fantastic. And so when you wake up, you're like, I don't want to go talk to girls today.
I don't want to go take action tonight. Remind yourself, that's how you feel in that moment.
Your state can change as soon as you go start diving in and talking to women. Something great can happen.
And all of a sudden you feel very differently and you've got momentum and some results. And even if you don't get results, you'll have some momentum because at least you're taking action and you're taking some steps forward.
Well, yeah. And that makes sense.
And I think we've also talked about don't be so results driven, or I think, I don't know if you called it like a results junkie where I'm just like really, really addicted to only getting positive results. But I found myself like, for example, this past weekend in the Southern California area that I live in, there was some really cool like shows, music shows during the day that I went to where there were a lot of girls.
And I did a ton of approaching and I got myself into a great social state. We went to like a lunch place after I was approaching girls at the lunch place.
Like I was doing it the whole day. I was in the zone.
My friends were like Jason's flirting with all these girls. Um, and I didn't really get any successful results.
I mean, it also went into the night. We went out to some bars, approached a ton of girls, got numbers.
And the girls that I texted, the numbers that I'd gotten didn't really turn into anything concrete with regards to like a date. So I woke up that Monday after a weekend of doing that feeling like, well, what was the point of that? Like I didn't really get any concrete results.
And there are some times where that happens, where I do a ton of approaching and I don't get any results results and there are sometimes where that happens where i do a ton of approaching um and i don't get any results and then there's like a random thursday after like a month i'm not approaching i'll go up to a la lakers cheerleader in target approach her get her number and then we go on a date i'm like what the hell i did 40 approaches in one week did you get an la lakers phone number yes i went on a a date. Okay.
But like, no, that's a success. That's a win.
But it's like, it's so arbitrary because it feels like, you know, for 40 approaches, you'll get like the one yes. And it just feels like the ROI given like the effort and that I have to really put into my mindset to push myself a doozy approaches.
Sometimes it doesn't. I wonder if you're, well, go back to, go back to the story you were telling me.
You said you were talking to a ton of women. Was it, you said during the day? During the day and then to the night.
Yeah. What was the event? What was the context of all the daytime? It was cool.
They had this thing in LA that's like at a coffee shop where they have like a DJ and it's kind kind of like a day rave but instead of drinking alcohol everyone's drinking coffee okay everyone kind of congregates in this big parking lot and there's a ton of women and it's a great opportunity for approaching okay how many women did you talk to that day um if i had to guess maybe somewhere between 10 to 15 something okay fantastic yeah and how many phone numbers did you try to get or did i two questions how many did you did you go for how many did you get i think maybe uh three or four okay i mean and just to give you context like one of the approaches is like me walking out of the place i saw someone next to me with her dog i'm like wow you are beautiful and she's like thank you so much and then she walked away i mean i kind of counted that as an approach hell yeah like i'll count myself out there but nothing really concrete yeah and here's my big question what was the longest conversation you had with any woman from that day um there was one that lasted like maybe over an hour and that was more in the evening we met at one low one bar and then her and her friend ubered with me and my friend to another bar so we were just kind of hanging out for over an hour and i got her number um and then i texted her the next day and she didn't respond which i know you say don't let not one response make you think she's not interested. You know, try again.
Sometimes people miss texts. What sort of, for lack of a better term, escalation did you apply with that woman during that hour? Did you tell her she was sexy? Did you tease her? Did you get her alone and go for a kiss a kiss any anything because of the the logistics of like her having a lot of friends at the other bar it wasn't necessarily easy to isolate her with a kiss just feeling out the situation but i did flirt with her a lot like she told me she was italian and like i got really close to her ear and whispered like a sexy italian phrase that i knew like i definitely like a lot of man the woman communication she seemed really excited to give me her number also she put her last name in my phone which is something i noticed when girls are really interested they'll put their full name in the contact as opposed to just their first name that's a lot of thing i've noticed so yeah i mean it definitely seemed like there was a decent level of interest if you asked me on a scale scale a 1 to 10, I mean, if I had the ballpark, I'd get at least like an 8 just based on her receptive feedback.

Great.

And did you set up the date with her there in person, the future date?

No, it was kind of like, give me your phone number.

I'd love to take you out for drinks.

And she's like, yeah, I'll definitely give you my phone number.

Okay, so let's talk about – good job. I wasn't sure if you had a night the reason i asked you is i thought maybe you're doing like scatter shot approaching like a bunch of short quick approaches and then bouncing but it sounds like with her you really stuck in and had a nice long interaction which is great because we're in this not to do 50 approaches a day or a night we're in it to hopefully do five.
And that fourth or fifth one,

oh, you guys really land and something really lands and connects. And then you can just be

with her for a while. And that essentially puts you on a first date with her, or in this case,

more like a double date, basically, right? Or a group date. But anyway, so that's great.
I'm glad

to hear that you were doing that. And a little reminder about something I probably shared with

you before, but I'll say it again. When you're getting a woman's number, especially at night, you want to think of this as, think of the three outcomes, kind of a gold, silver, and a bronze outcome.
Gold medal outcome is you and she end up alone together that night. I'm not saying that was logistically possible here, but that's something you certainly want to assert if it's logistically feasible for the two of you.
The two of you end up alone so that love can happen if you both want it to. That's a gold medal.
Silver medal would be you set up a date in the future. She's got to go off with her friends or you've got to go off and do your thing.
Silver is though you set up the date and it's like cool awesome wednesday night it is at uh bobby's crab shack you're gonna love it the place is gonna blow your mind it's fantastic and this cuts way down on flaking and it gets more dates lined up because now it's on your calendar and hers and there's something in human psychology called a law of commitment consistency, which is when people agree to do something, they want to do it or else they feel like they're being inconsistent. So when you set up a date with a woman, and that makes it less likely she'll flake if it's on her calendar, your calendar, that's silver medal.
And the bronze medal outcome is you, okay, maybe you can't set up the date for whatever reason. You're traveling, she's traveling, life gets busy.
But at least you talk about what you're going to do, the two of you. Oh, cool.
Awesome. Well, when you're back from your trip, we're going to rock the karaoke mic.
So it's going to be awesome. So you talk about the date.
It keeps you both looking forward to it it these are all anti-flaking techniques so

the last thing you want to do i mean it's better than nothing at all don't get me wrong but the last thing you want to do is just grab a number go okay we'll figure something out because it can just lead to so much flakiness and then you're kind of chasing her down for a date now you did have an hour with her which is great but it sounds like it was in um it was in kind of mixed company friends worth it. It was mixed company, but I was definitely like in my a game of, of flirting.
So to speak, like I, because of all the, the, the social momentum I had coming from the day, as I'm sure, you know, when you do 10 plus approaches, like you're in such a great social state. So by the time I got to this girl, let her, her you know assuming she's like the 15th approach of the day so to speak um i was really in a great state so like uh it was great rapport that her and i had and i could tell she was really enjoying it i got her to laugh a lot and it was just it was just easy it was just really it came really easy the conversation you know and so if you do end up going, the fourth best option, which is get her number but leave it to we'll figure something out, then you simply want to follow that, the three times rule.
The three times rule is don't assume or think you've been ghosted or she's flaking until you have taken three good swings at the first date plate. And that might sound annoying, like, why do I have to do that? I was with her for an hour.
She got my A game. Well, you know what? If she's a really attractive woman in Southern California, she's probably got lots of options.
To some extent, women are screening out men who give up too soon. They're screening out guys who send 27 needy, lame messages.
That's not you for sure. But they also can kind of screen out a guy who doesn't try a second time, who doesn't persist with some charm.
So on some level, a lot of women do that either explicitly because they've told me, women have told me this, but them do it just more passively like they notice guys who don't give up right away but who have charm so that's why i'm i'm big into the three times rule take three swings at a date or three or two more messages that make her smile that might get her to respond and if you want to call it after three it's totally fine i mean also just just to add for any of your listeners that might be skeptical of that like in my personal experience i've had the mindset or at least i feel sometimes i text a girl i had great rapport with once she doesn't answer i automatically have assumed she's ghosting me but i've tried what connell has said and i've tried like sending a follow-up text like two days later like a funny gif or something makes her smile. And then I get a response and that has led to dates.
Like I've had dates with girls who I thought were ghosting me, but they ended up going out on me because I followed up. And a lot of times they just missed the text, or at least that's what their response is.
But, you know, it works. It works, the follow-up rule.
Beautiful women, women who are in demand, they have a lot of things pulling them in different directions. And sometimes they just get busy and literally don't see your text message.
Sometimes they see it and they're like, oh, I'll get back to him later. And they forget.
Or sometimes a woman will say to herself, let me see. Let me just see.
This is years ago, but there was a woman who I sent her a third message. My first message was, Hey, whatever, Melissa, great to meet you the other night.
Great dancing with you at the club, blah, blah, blah. What night are you free this week? No answer.
Second message. Uh-oh, should I send a search party out to find you? Hope you didn't fall into the earth because of the earthquake or whatever.
A joke. No answer.
And the third message was something like, well, Melissa, I guess I'm going to have to return the engagement ring I bought you. It's too bad because my mom was really excited to meet you Saturday night.
But I guess it wasn't meant to be. So I'm cracking jokes.
I'm always having fun as I follow the three times rule. My favorite one is I, because I've done a lot of tests as to what works and what doesn't.

I send a gif of the old woman from the Titanic movie where it says it's been 84 years and

I've gotten some great reactions.

Oh, nice.

I like that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's great.

And so this woman, Melissa, that last message, she wrote back, hello.

This is an exact quote.

LOL. Hey, sorry.
I've been busy. And I just wanted to see how persistent you are.
Drinks on Friday? That's all it took? Yeah. There's a different thing I posted on my Instagram a while back, a woman I was very recently texting with.
She's in my phone as Tinder 10. She's a total 10.
If you go on my Instagram, see a beautiful blonde in a bikini, you'll see why she's a Tinder 10. And I never met her.
I never was going to. I have a girlfriend, but I'm doing this for content and for coaching.
So if you see my Instagram, you'll see two or three messages to this wonderfully gorgeous, beautiful young person, mid-20s. No answer.
First two or three message. Or then the third message, I forget what I wrote.
It might've been a classic, you know, dear diary is, you know, uh, Emily's missing. Should I send search party? Something like that.
And then she finally wrote back, Oh, Hey, how about dinner tomorrow night? Boom. If had, I wanted to go on a date with her, I could have, I mean, have a girlfriend, I'm not doing that, but just as a, as an exercise, I'm always kind of testing things.
So yeah, be that three times rule does pay off. Um, but back to your big question, I want to make sure I'm serving you and helping you on this, on this coaching call.
So the big question I feel like you started was when I'm just not feeling motivated when I don't want to do it, then you'll take a month off. And how do you prevent that from happening before it happens, right? Yeah.
And I also tell myself, oh, I'll just go home and go on Hinge. And that'll make me feel better about not approaching and not being comfortable with doing it today.
I believe in what I call code of conduct, which is here is the number of very cute, attractive, dateable women, at least physically what you're attracted to, who you're going to commit to approaching every single week come hell or high water. So it's a weekly commitment.
It's similar to the commitment you make when you say, I'm going to work my 40 hour or 50 hour a week or pay my rent or eat food every day. You make certain commitments all the time.
And if you make a commitment to yourself every week that you're going to talk to XYZ number of girls, then that gives you a clear measurable standard to hold yourself to. That just takes discipline.
You just say, I call every, minimum of six. And we want to make it a reasonably, a high enough number where it gives you a chance of some results, but also not such a crazy number where you're like, I don't want, I'm not going to talk to 50 women this week.
No, talk to a half dozen a week, maybe. And that way, at least you hit your minimum.
Because here's the thing, once you, and you know, you know, this is a guy who's done so many approaches at this point sometimes the the emotional state you start out in can totally change once you start get once you get into action mode or once you get a really good response or you just get feeling like you're in the zone so that state is temporary that lower state of i don't really feel like doing this i don't really not motivated. That's temporary.
And you want to remind yourself of that. Say, hey, I made a commitment to myself.
I promise I'm going to do X, Y, Z per week or whatever, whatever your standard is. And then you just go do it.
Just kind of like how many times have you not wanted to go to the gym, but you went because that's what you do. You just go to the gym.
And then halfway in, you're like, hey, you see your muscles in the mirror. You focus on how good it feels to be at the gym.
At least you're pumping iron. You're feeling better.
And maybe you've enjoyed your workout. Maybe you didn't, but it feels better afterwards because you stepped up and sort of did what you had to do.
So you kind of want to remind yourself, hey, what is my higher self? What is that badass Jason fucking last name self? What would he say to you if you said to him, eh, I don't feel like approaching. I'm not in the mood.
You'd probably say, you got to step up, dude. Go do it.
That's what men do. Right.
No, it makes sense. Makes sense.
you struggle with dating right sure you have a good job and cool friends but you just aren't sure how to flirt the apps don't work for you and sometimes women put you in the friend zone it's frustrating hey i struggled with dating too as an introvert and a total, I didn't just live in the friend zone. I owned real estate there.
But I escaped. Using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love.
It's what I wrote about in my best-selling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't. And radical authenticity is why Psychology Today called me the best dating coach in America.
And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend. So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me.
On our call, I'll tell you how my one-on-one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend, and you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity. No creepy pickup tricks needed.
So go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call today, and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend. I think sometimes it's just the nerves are very powerful.
And even though I have been doing this for as long as I have in terms of pushing myself to to do approaches it's definitely gotten easier over time but I haven't felt like I've gotten to a place where it's just like I can wake up at you know 7 or 8 a.m on a work day and just be like yep I'm gonna hit three approaches today no problem it's not gonna be like a major internal fight for myself which unfortunately as as it, I think in one of the modules, it's like one foot's on the gas, one foot's on the brake.

And I don't know, more times than not, the brake ends up winning just out of just the nerves. you know and I feel like

this kind of ties back to what I was saying

from this weekend

at least the first initial

approaches I feel that

when the nerves take over

I fall into a very platonic conversation that I have trouble navigating the man the woman Connell but when I get to like the seventh or eighth approach it's very easy for me to go man the woman I'll just be like hey you have really beautiful eyes like one of the first things out of my mouth and then all of a sudden i'm flirting and but like in the first couple conversations when the nerves are really strong i automatically just fall into like oh where are you from right oh you moved here from texas that's cool i've been to austin a couple times this year like i do you know this strip of bars oh i like this restaurant and it comes off as very friendly platonic just because the nerves are it feels like the nerves are are like blocking me from flirting because it's just like flirting when that when i'm nervous feels like a risky zone because it feels like all right this gives her right this allows for her to reject me when i keep it friendly and platonic there's less room for a rejection because it's like oh this, this guy's just being friendly. There's nothing for me to reject.
You know, it feels more safe because the nerves are more powerful the first couple approaches, if that makes sense. Yeah.
Repeat after me. What's risky is safe.
What's risky is safe. And what's safe is risky.
And what's safe is risky. Do you know what that means? If you could elaborate.
Be coach Jason for a second. Have I ever shared that thought with you? What's risky is safe, what's safe is risky.
What's risky is safe and what's safe is risky. Yeah.
So it's very tempting to do safe approaches. Oh, hey, what's up? How's your day going? Hey, how are you? Hey, where are you guys from? Those are very safe in the sense that they're hard to reject hardcore in any kind of, you know, not that many women are going to go, get away.
How dare you ask me how my day is going? But it's also, it seems like a safe approach, but it's very risky because you risk not creating any kind of emotional impact in her. You just risk sounding like a guy making small talk.
So what feels safe to you is actually risky because you risk not getting results. You risk boring women.
You risk playing it safe. And women don't want a guy who plays it safe.
However, if you take risks, as I know you've done many times, the risky approach, quote unquote, is actually safe in the sense of it's a safe, smart strategy to get some results. Risky where you say something that's polarizing.
She might not like it, but maybe she'll love it. You say something, it could be sexual if you're feeling something sexual i don't mean vulgar i just mean you open more maybe like at night where you walk up to a woman like have you ever walked up to a gorgeous woman from the get-go and said hey i just saw you and you're really sexy had to meet you i don't know if i've used the word sexy but like one of my go-to openers during the day and at night is like excuse me i just thought you're beautiful i wanted to come say hi to you because i just felt it's super direct and she knows exactly why i'm talking to her and it sets the tone for the conversation i would i would say that's in the daytime that is a bit more on that risky side meaning smart and safe i've done that opener a lot like that's my go-to because i just feel like it really sets the tone of the yeah i like that so anything that feels risky to you but even even the the fact that that's become your go-to and i know why because you want to know a good thing to say but even if it's become like your go-to then it's kind of uh it can become something that's safe for you and comfortable and I want want you to.
That's fair. And I'm not saying you need to make everyone be the scariest approach in the world.
But if you feel some butterflies, if you make some risks in your verbal opens, or even risks in body language, risks in how you look at a woman, if it's coming from a really authentic, genuine place. Like one of my old coaches used to, we used to stand in a bar.
He was when I first was getting coaching, like literally my first weekend doing this in the late double zeros. I looked around a room and my coach said, all right, look around the room.
Who here is to you the sexiest goddamn woman? Who here is just absolutely just 10 out of 10? And I saw this brunette who looked like I'm going to date myself here. Jason, you're way younger than me, but she looked like the girl from flash dance.
I'm an eighties kid, like Jennifer Beals. And I saw this woman in a silver dress and I'm like, Oh my God, she is my 10.
He said, well, what's the deepest, most honest thing you're thinking about her? And you would have thought I would have gone to someplace vulgar, but I didn't. I was just thinking, my God, she's stunning.
The most honest thing I'm thinking is she is gorgeous and I'm really shy, but man, I want to meet her. He said, great.
There's your opener. Say the deepest, truest thing to her.

I walked over to her and I said, hey, I just saw you.

I'm really shy, but I had to meet you because look at you.

Damn.

Hi.

Something like that.

And the craziest thing happened, Jason.

She looked at me.

She kind of cocked her head and smiled and said, yeah, right.

You're real shy. Hi.
I'm Amy. She was into it.
And she thought it was a line. She thought I was kind of doing a pickup line.
And I guess I wasn't because I approached her, but it wasn't a pickup line. That was literally speaking the most vulnerable, true thing I could think of, which is I'm scared, but you're gorgeous.
Here I am. And something about getting congruent, aligned, that internal and external thing aligned, it just snapped me into a more confident, more genuine place.
And she liked it. And all of a sudden getting her number.
So the magic trick isn't to say that line every single time. There's no magic tricks, but closest thing there is to a magic trick, which is why I go on about this all the time is what's the deepest, truest thing that you're thinking when you see a girl, I want to talk to you, but I don't know what to say.
Then say that, or you are a smoke show. Say that, but do you really give a shit where she's from or how her night's going? I think sometimes it's super relevant to the conversation.
Like if I'm in California and I meet a girl who's from New York, like I am, that's a, that makes the conversation a lot easier in terms of substance. No, no.
But when you see a gorgeous woman, what's the, if I, if you were at a, if you were at a bar, like, so you, let's say you and I are in, do you go to Bungalow ever? Yeah, I do. Bungalow's still good?

Yeah.

Love Bungalow.

It's one of the top clubs in Santa Monica.

I've done a few programs there as a coach.

I love Bungalow.

So let's say you and I are in Bungalow.

Let's do a thought experiment.

You're in Bungalow.

You see a total, total stunner.

What's your type?

What does she look like?

What's she wearing?

Make my listener horny.

Five foot five, blonde hair, bright white teeth blue eyes smoking body nice i like it okay you see her imagine i'm with i'm with you i'm your wingman you point her out i'm like whoa look at her you're like yeah she's the one um what is the deepest truest thing you're thinking about her right now in this thought experiment? That's, that's not X rated. Excuse me.
I just really thought you were gorgeous and I wanted to come say hi to you. Hi, Jason.
Great. Could do that.
What's another way to say it? Let's amp it up even more. Let's say you do that a couple of times and some went well, some didn't.
Let's say you start to start to really feel your your oats a little bit what's another way you can say that exact that exact same sentiment but with even more risky polarizing but genuine language i'm not looking for a certain answer i'm just curious what you come up with wow like how long have you been a model you were fucking drop dead gorgeous okay i like when

katie when katie perry wrote the song california girls you must have been her inspiration i don't

know i'm just pulling these out of my ass i like it yeah very cool yeah awesome and when you're

feeling really good uh jason when you're really in your kind of feeling in the zone

how do you feel about yourself give me a couple yeah i feel confident i feel like

I don't know. you're kind of feeling in the zone how do you feel about yourself give me a couple yeah i feel confident i feel like like it's the best feeling in the universe when all the or most of the nerves melt away because then you could at least i could feel like i'm being my truest form of myself or as you say your most authentic self yeah and when you're in the zone yeah give me two or three quick adjectives to describe how you feel if you're just feeling amazing at a bar and bungalow on a friday night uh loud like in terms of like the vocal like describe no just yeah describing your emotion sorry your emotions your state uh happy courageous yeah thoughtful cool um provocative great so i love those words so here's another way you could approach a girl like that that's risky and super truthful hey i just saw you you're fucking gorgeous and i'm feeling provocative tonight that's pretty funny why did that make you laugh i love it but why did it make you laugh just like the way you put that sentence together.
I can't really explain why. I know.
Yeah, I don't know. It's funny.
Well, it's because with your help, in our little thought experiment here, you broke – what we want is for her to giggle the way you just did, right? Right. Which would probably happen.
Hey, I just saw you. You're gorgeous.
I'm just feeling provocative tonight. That it's a, it's a pattern interrupt.
She's not used to hearing the word provocative, but it came from how you're feeling. It's not something you read on some jerk ass, idiot, YouTube bullshit, terrible pickup dudes channel.
Here's my canned plan line. You went into yourself.
You said, how am I feeling right now? I feel in the zone. I feel amazing.
I feel provocative. And think about another way to approach in an effective way, and I think risky, in other words, safe, but in a risky way, is that you're bringing value to her.
You're bringing something to the table. Hey, I feel amazing.
I'm in a great mood tonight. and I had to share it with the girl with white teeth.
So, Conal, not to her you're bringing something to the table hey i feel amazing i'm in a great mood tonight and i had to share it with the girl with white teeth so connell not to interrupt you but you're good you're good kind kind of like what you're saying where i feel provocative and confident and thoughtful the words you just had me describe i don't like let's use the example of a bar right the bungalow i don't feel that way like the moment the bouncer checks my ID and I walk in, when I walk in, I feel like I'm loaded up with nerves and it's not until I force myself to do, I don't know, three or four approaches and maybe one goes decently well before I feel like I'm in that zone. And I know you say as one of your steps, when you go out at night, open often is one of the most important steps.
And it totally is in my experience. But I guess what I'm asking is what's the strategy for the moment the bouncer checks my ID and I walk in to kind of channel that best version of myself? Or is the answer I just have to do three or four approaches to get in the zone first? Well, you let that great higher self state arise.
Let it come to you. My unwritten rule is first three approaches don't even count.
They're just batting practice. It's like spring training.
Batting practice before the game, actually. You're just taking a few swings.
They're just to help you get in the zone because, hey, everybody's in their head. I know I would be.
I'm a dating coach. I've been doing this for 15, 16 years approaching, 20 years total in terms of intentfully looking at dating.
I go to the bungalow with you tomorrow night, hypothetically, if I was in LA, I would be the first two or three approaches, I'd be choppy and robotic too. I'd just be following the same steps that I teach because here are the steps.
Step one, open often, meaning do a lot of approaches, at least get, get some social momentum going because that is what wakes up that more provocative in the zone version of you. Cause your brain gets evidence that you're safe and awesome and amazing in that new venue versus how you might've felt before you walked in.
Right. Step one, open often.

Step two, be yourself, be authentic, offer value.

So walk up.

And that's why I'm trying to get you more toward,

instead of walking up saying, hey, how are you?

How's your night?

Where are you from?

Which is you asking her to give you something,

give you her focus. I want you walking up to women,

giving them the thing that's going to blow their hair back,

figuratively speaking.

Maybe literally.

It's windy.

Because you're bringing value to the table.

And that's what makes a woman go, this guy's different.

He's got something to offer me.

Every other guy there is trying to get something from her.

And that's why I'm a big believer in letting go of results to an extent, because we don't

want to come off as needing a good reaction.

But of course, we want good results. So it's a bit of a paradox.
But anyway, step one, open often, do lots of approaches. Step two, bring value by being authentic.
Step three, flirt a little bit, be a little bit man to woman. Step four, escalate things until, if assuming the conversation is going well, escalate things until you've at least got a phone number, hopefully a date set up.
And then step five, no matter how any approach goes, whether it's five seconds or five minutes or five hours, stop for a second and say, what did I do well? Or what did I learn from that? Or what can I feel good about? So back to your question about when you walk in the venue, just pre-accept the first two or three are going to be choppy and you're not going to be in the zone. That's fine.
The first two or three can be, hey, how's your night? What's up guys? Is it fun here tonight? It's okay. Totally fine.
But what I'm looking for is allowing that good emotional state to crest, to swell, where you might start off feeling like a three or four or five out of 10 in terms of your social comfort and confidence when you walk in. And I would too, especially now that I'm sober, I don't drink at all.
I'd need to earn my buzz from action. But then a few approaches in, you'll start to feel better.
And that's when you walk up and say, hey, I'm feeling quite provocative tonight or whatever the thing is. Right.
But the reason, by the way, it not a magic trick to say i'm provocative but i do love that because it came from an organic place that you just that was the thing that was on your mind in that moment hypothetically speaking yeah no totally so i mean going back to how you were saying the the gold medal of getting her number besides going home with her is getting her number and setting up a date on the spot. You know, usually when I go about setting up a date, let's say she's in a different area of the city.
I usually do a Google search. I find a cool place near her.
I send her a screenshot. I'm like, how is this? She's like that.
That works great. But my point is that exchange usually happens over text, whether it's a day or two after I get the number.
I guess how do you go about, like, as you said, setting up a date in the moment of I don't have like a place off the top of my head. Like let's say she's on the other side of town is an example I may run into sometimes.
Usually I research a cool place to take her to, you know, on my own time, if that makes sense. Cool.
Well, you don't need to set up the place with her what you could do is say let's say you let's say you live in west hollywood let's say she lives in santa monica just making that up yeah then you're like hey where do you live she'll she'll tell you oh cool i know if you know a place that's roughly halfway between the two of you or fairly close to her that's great then you could say that but if you don't and you probably do if you know the geography pretty well but if you don't that's fine you could say oh you know what i know a couple really good spots that are pretty close to you oh in fact i know this amazing couple i know a couple places are going to be perfect for, for, uh, you said you like tequila, right?

Great.

Yeah.

We'll do some tequila.

We'll do some margaritas.

Have some margaritas.

What night's good for you?

What night this week works for you?

And then she'll go into her calendar, tell you day or two, hopefully.

And then assuming you're free.

Okay.

Cool.

Awesome.

Uh, seven 30.

It is on Thursday.

I'll text you the name of the spot. I'm forgetting what it is right now, but I'll text it to you, but it's a date.
I like to say that it's a date. Uh, and, and then I might crack a joke.
I like to solidify things, you know, me with a joke. Cause I'm just, that's my, my, one of my dating superpowers is on my better days is humor.
So like, cool. It's a date Thursday.
It is, you're going to love my grandma. She's going to come.
Um, she might bring you lasagna just so you know, she loves to cook for, you know, my, my fiance. Okay.
Okay. I'll, I'll, I'll wait a little while till I call you my fiance.
So I'll crack some jokes or whatever. I might say, cool.
Awesome. Thursday it is.
Uh, so I'm going to send you about 20 dick pics between now and then give or take I don't want to come on too strong maybe 10 that's my personality you don't have to use my lines if they don't resonate with you but I'm always making it fun because that's going to make her link to you and the date laughter fun good times with this guy and make it way more likely she'll want to keep the date and way less likely that she'll flake. But anyway, that was my long-winded answer to your question.
I haven't tried that before. I'll definitely try that.
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Go get your flirty30. Another question that ties back to that question is, I've encountered this it kind of goes back to what we were saying about the uh the follow-up how girls miss text sometimes there one this is one example but there's a couple other ones that are similar there's a girl that i met let's just say near me in my building um and we've been texting and she's down to get drinks but we just kind of missed each other because of the recent fires in la and our schedules just kind of got crisscrossed, but she's down.
I mean, she's expressed that she's down. I gave her my number when I met her because I didn't have my phone and she went out of her way to text me, which obviously shows interest.
But, you know, we were texting and then I took maybe two or three hours to respond because I was busy. So I ended up texting her back around like maybe 1030 at night and then she didn't respond and a whole day has gone by.
And I kind of suspect it's because sometimes girls, when you text them back too late at night, they might miss the text. And next morning, I've noticed that a couple of times where they miss the text.
So I guess the crux of the question I'm asking you is, do you have any advice or does it really not matter on like how long you should take to respond to a text or like, I a little bit ADHD sometimes and I'm just really busy with my job but I always respond the same day but sometimes it takes me a couple hours sometimes I don't respond till night when I'm in home in bed and I finally get to go through all my texts from the day right and I find myself in this pattern where like they're into it but then I text them back late at night and they'll miss the text the next day just because I I don't know, maybe they'll wake up with 20 new texts, and I'm at the bottom of that list, and they just kind of forget. And I notice it as a pattern, so I'm curious if you have any thoughts on that.
I like everything you're doing, except maybe you're not following up. Okay.
Perhaps. Well, this girl that I just described, for example, I did follow up with her because she missed the text.
Okay. And now it seems like she missed another text.
And I kind of feel weird about following up twice. It's just like, all right, well, you know what I'm saying? Well, here's a good way to – can you give an example of the kind of text that she missed and you're not sure if and how to follow up on it? Like is it a text where you're asking her out or is it just a random text? Yeah, no, it's a text I'm asking her out.
I'm not going to say the event, but she went to an event this past weekend. So I said, hola, how was the event? I saw on Instagram stories that looked insane.
She wrote, hi, it was so much fun. Didn't make it to the big party that was there, but still a great time.
Definitely feeling it today, LOL. And I wrote, I did the same thing when I went, brought an unlimited ticket pass and didn't see one party felt so guilty, LOL.
And then I wrote, if you're around this week, let's grab drinks. And that was around 9 p.m.
and no response the next day. But I know this girl, just based off of the previous text, that she's interested.
Our schedule is just out't aligned yeah i think uh what you so you could follow up with that i mean that's a i'm gonna be nitpicky here i like that i like that's like an 80 ask out hey let's do xyz thing but it's not the same as hey let's do xyz thing uh how about Friday for you? Does that work? Where you ask that pointed, specific getting her to an answer question, getting her to an answer. And I'm being nitpicky.
A lot of guys are like, well, why do I have to do that? Why can't she just say yes or no? I wish the world was perfect. But it's not.
There's nothing wrong with what you wrote. I would just give her something a bit more pointed.
So that will make it more likely that she'll respond. But then if she doesn't answer that, I would send a follow-up message.
It's almost like a PS to your last message. But it's not like, hey, did you get my message? It's more like, Hey, let's do the XYZ thing.
No answer. And the PS might be, Oh, you're going to love the DJ there.
The, the, the dance floor is incredible. You're going to love it.
What night's good for you? Or does Friday work for you? So then, and then you follow up with that pointed question. So for this particular example, though, and I was actually thinking about it the next day.
and what you're saying is kind of what was popping in my head. I should have maybe given a specific place and been like, oh, I know this great speakeasy.
How does this work? Instead of just saying, if you're around this week, let's grab drinks. Yeah, I think that's a little passive, a little floating an idea.
Yeah. The reason I did that is because she's already expressed interest other times in the conversation that she's down to go out it's not like this is my first time asking her out so it's just kind of like circling back to like hey now that our schedules may align this week why don't we do this thing we've been talking about for a couple weeks now but i totally agree with what you're saying i guess my question is now you know i sent the text i can't go back and change it um i don't think it means i'm out

of the game by any means with this girl just what would be a good follow-up based on if you're around this week let's grab drinks and that was sent sunday night basically you start over again that's not start over but you would just ask her out a complete assertive pointed ask out we should do xyz fun thing at XYZ fun place. What night's good for you? Or do you want to do Friday or Saturday? So you ask her an assumptive question.
I like to do that. It's called an assumptive question.
You assume she wants to assume she wants to date you. You're fricking Jason.
You're handsome. You're successful.
You're this cool educator. You just got this cool lifestyle in southern california um let's assume she's into you plus you approached her in the coolest way not the cool way but you approached her in a great in an indirect way indirect yeah kind of normal everyday way which i wanted you to mention that before we go but anyway i would just uh follow i just i guess my my advice is make your ask out messages more pointed get her to an answer or make it more make it easier for her to answer where if she doesn't respond it's kind of weird yeah i mean it's kind of weird like if you just say hey we should do something sometime it's it's not that it'd be nice if she answered but it's not that strange as she didn't if you say hey i'd like to see you it'd be nice to see you again and have our overdue date for wine at uh jimmy's uh you know sugar shack and blah blah blah uh what night's good for you now she doesn't answer that she's the one who's making a social faux pas because she's got she she sort of has an out right now if she wants one to oh, I didn't know you were asking me out.
I got busy. But we just got to get women to a clearer decision.
And I want to share one kind of overarching philosophy that does bear repeating. And I'm sorry if I've repeated stuff to you before, but I think certain things bear repeating, which is in every part of dating, the approach or the from a from an approach or escalating on a first date making a real great romantic connection happen or in this case getting a getting a an answer on a date i come back to this really simple philosophy that has guided me so many times which is assert your ideal outcome with that woman until you get it in a win-win way that you and she both feel great about or until you get clear evidence that you won't get it.
So assert what you want until you get it and in a way you and she are into or you get clear evidence that you won't get it. And so the reason I sort of harp a little bit about ask her out in a more pointed way is because I want a clear answer one way or another.
I don't want to send her a slightly passive message that makes it easy for her to not respond because I want an answer. I don't mean I want an answer.
I just mean, hey, let's figure out are we meeting or not. Same with an approach.
It's like I'm here to approach and flirt with you. And either I'm going to get you into me and I'm into you, or I'm going to get clear evidence that you don't want me there.
That's fine too. I'm not going to settle for a nice conversation and then just go back to my friends.
I'm like, no, go get an answer. Does she want to date with you or not? So I come back to this idea of assert that outcome till you get it or you know you won't and either one's fine we do it with charm and authenticity and good intentions and integrity and truth and honesty but also be a fucking closer be a shark well that's the thing that i have to work on a bit is the closing element because you know i think the approach when i do take action i have had some great results as you know i've told you many stories about some successes i've had um through our conversations and it's just a matter of the closing where i just i let the nerves take over i play it safe i think playing it safe is a common theme in our conversations as of late that like, Hey, you're doing a lot of things, right.
But when it comes to like the clothes or playing it safe or going for the kiss or, you know, I feel like I wait for too many signs or green lights to take action from women that I'm just saying, I don't care about the signs. I'm just going to do it.
I mean, maybe you would agree that sometimes reading the room is a part of the process. I mean, sometimes it's just obvious if they're not interested.
But maybe I overanalyze the room, so to speak. You do.
You do. And it comes from a good place.
You're a gentleman. You have mad empathy.
You're a charming, kind person. So you don't want to bother women.
You don't want to be some push, pushy guy, nor do I want you to be that. I don't think you are.
But at the same time, a core thing that women are attracted to is they want a guy who steps up and goes for what he wants. And they also want men to say, Hey, thanks, but no thanks.
And have, and have a guy step away, which of course you would do if, and that happens, right? Right. We just don't want to be so overly, overly concerned about what other people think of us where we are over-reading signs that aren't even there.
Right. I have time for one last 60-second question, and then I've got to bounce to my next call.
What's something I could answer in 60 seconds or less? Yeah. You know, this is a theme I think you taught in the modules, the give, give, give, ask, where I find myself, whether it be through text or Instagram, when I'm messaging somebody, my brain goes straight to, if I'm commuting, kidding with them over messaging or texting, I want to go straight to asking them out because I get very fearful about trying to establish banter or flirting over messaging.
You know, I just feel like my brain goes straight to, let me just ask them out and shoot my shot. That way I can get my answer and I don't have to worry about, you know, coming off as awkward over text or messaging.
You know, I'm not as worried about that in person, but the messaging I find is a little harder to establish banter and flirting. And I'm curious if you have any quick thoughts on that.
Is it important to establish three messages first before you ask somebody out over text? Or a dating app or Instagram or any of that type of stuff? It's all about fun. It all depends on the context.
Can you give me a specific hypothetical? Is this a match online or a woman's phone number you got from in person? No, not really a match. It's more of like Instagram.
And this has worked once or twice. I might swipe up on someone's story and be like, hey, just thought you were beautiful, random, but I just wanted to shoot my shot.
Would love to take you out for drinks. What's your number? And sometimes it works, but sometimes it doesn't work.
That's sort of like... sort of like yeah okay in that context you got to give before you ask for what you want okay and i guess my question is how much give usually i don't know more than hey want to want to date what's the chris rock line hey want some dick hey want some dick you gotta make her laugh first you gotta yeah you gotta give before you ask for what you want.
It's sort of like if the very first time you and I ever got on a consultation call for coaching, I pick up the phone. Very first time we ever spoke.
So I charged XYZ thousands of dollars. Do you want to work with me? You'd be like, maybe.
I don't know. You wouldn't have an answer yet.
So it's not that what you're doing is sales. This is a romantic connection you're seeking to make.
But if it's a cold outreach from Instagram, then if you just say, hey, you're gorgeous, guess how many other guys think she's gorgeous? Right. Right? I do like that you're trying to shoot your shot.
But first, you want to lead with, that makes her feel, hey, what's in this for me? Because you're one of a million guys that think she's gorgeous. You want to be that rare guy who cracks a joke, comments on something, and asks a genuine question.
Get some fun banter back and forth so she can get a sense for what it would be like to go on a date with you. And then ask her out.
What if it's someone you met the night before and they've already met you in person and you get their number? Is it okay to go? That's a little bit more. Yeah.
Okay. You've already spent some, gotten some rapport with them, just human to human rapport.
You can, you don't have to follow a one size fits all approach to this. That's why context is so important.
Okay. Bottom line is one of my, as you know, one of my kind of philosophies is give give give and then ask for what you want give good emotions give authenticity flirt make just give her a good time show all through the lens of who's my best most authentic me and then ask for what you want so if you've already done that then you've already done that the night before then you don't have to work as hard the next day because she already knows you or knows you a little bit, knows you enough.

Right.

Right.

Knows enough if she'd be willing to go out with you or not at that point.

Absolutely.

Got it.