Ask the Dating Coach: ‘I Don’t Think I’m Good-Looking. Do I Even Have a Chance with Women?’

In dating, good looks are a lot like jacuzzis. They're nice to have, but they're overrated.
Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I am your host, dating coach Conal Barrett.
Think of me as your podcast dating coach. I am here to help you flirt with confidence, get more dates with very attractive, intriguing women, and help you get a great girlfriend.
And do it with authenticity. By being your truest, most authentic self, no sketchy pickup artist moves needed.
Because guess what? Women are attracted to you at your most authentic and most confident you. That's right.
Mom was right all along. Girls like you for you.
So this is about dating with success, results, but also with respect for women, integrity and respect, and also authenticity. So let's get into it.
And today I've got a really fun episode. Today we're going to answer some questions.
I'm going to answer some questions that I've been getting from you because there's a lot of dating problems out there that men want help with. I've got some good questions.
I've got a gentleman asking me about, is he just not good looking enough to get successful dates and to get a great partner? I've got a really interesting question from a man who is having trouble getting women to show up on dates. He gets ghosted a lot and gets canceled on a lot.
So if you ever get flaked on, if you ever get ghosted, today's a great episode for you. If you're not sure if you're good looking enough, or maybe you're just not physically handsome enough to attract your type of girlfriend, today's a great episode for you.
And then I've got a fun sort of silly wildcard question. A man wrote me and said, hey, Connell, I really screwed up.
Basically, he cried on a date while watching the movie Titanic. He cried and the woman lost interest and he wants to know if he's just too nice, too sensitive.
so we've got some really good stuff today and i think you're going to like today's episode as we play a little Ask the Dating Coach. So you asked, I'll be answering today.
So I can't wait for that. And one of the things that I like to make sure I help you with here on the podcast is flirting.
Making sure you always know what to say, how to talk to women, both in person on dates or when you approach, or also online when sending messages, when texting. It's really important to know how to talk to women.
I think struggling to know what to say to women is the most universal dating problem that I hear from men. Variations of that.
What do I say? What's my opener? How do I flirt? What do I say when I approach? What do I say to not get

rejected? How do I stay out of the friend zone? It's all different variations of what do I say. And if you don't know how to talk to women, that's a problem.
It leads to ghosting. It leads to getting friend zoned after one or two dates that fall flat because a woman thinks, yeah, he's nice, but kind of boring.
And it can lead to loneliness or it can contribute to loneliness if you ever feel lonely. Because struggling with flirting and what to say really does get in the way of finding love and finding that special person.
And I have been there. I struggled with this as well.
I didn't know how to flirt, how to talk to women. I remember I once approached a woman at a nightclub 15, 16 years ago when I was first working with coaches.
And I walked up and I literally choked. I didn't talk for like 10 seconds.
I opened my mouth, but words didn't come out and she just walked away. It was awkward, very awkward silence.
So if you deal with anything like that, then I have been there. I feel your pain.
But just so you know, it doesn't have to be this way. And so if you want to get really good at flirting, which is one of my specialties as a coach, if you want to always know what to say, if you want to be charismatic, and if you want to know how to write a great opener or how to text women and how to really make sparks fly on dates, then just so you know, I do one-on-one coaching.
All of my dating coaching is one-on-one. and I currently have available slots.
If you would like to book a free consultation with me

to see if dating coaching might be right for you

to find out how you can get better at flirting and talking to women and get more dates, then it's really easy to do that. All you need to do is go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me.
And then you and I will end up getting on a phone call and we'll talk about the biggest two or three dating things, or I should say dating problems getting in the way of your dating success. And that would probably include flirting and how to talk to women.
And I'll show you and talk with you about how I coach and how I can help you flirt with confidence. Use something that I call man to woman communication.
Go back and listen to my man-to-woman communication episodes where I talk about the art of talking to women in an authentic, playful, vulnerable way. It's all about making genuine emotional connections with women by being authentic and in the moment and also playful.
Most men don't know how to be playful with women. In a word, flirting is about play.
And that's what we'll talk about. If you want to book a free call with me, go to datingtransformation.com, click the book a free call button, and you and I will get on the phone and we'll have a really fun conversation.
And I'll help you become a better flirter if you want me to. Anyway, you can also check the show notes below or just go to datingtransformation.com.

Okay, let's get to the questions.

Here we go.

Ask the dating coach.

Question number one in today's episode comes from Gary.

Gary's 39, lives in Indianapolis, and Gary writes me,

Hey, Connell, I'll be blunt.

I'm not a good-looking guy.

I'm bald and my forehead is too big and I've never had a girlfriend.

Am I just too attractive to find a relationship?

Well, Gary, that depends. Just how unattractive are we talking about here? Do you make onions cry? Does Bigfoot take pictures of you? Let me ask you this.
When you throw a boomerang, does it refuse to come back? That would be ugly. I'm kidding.
I like to crack jokes, Gary. That's kind of the point.
I've developed my sense of humor and my self-esteem over the years because I am not super good looking either. I am so not Hollywood handsome.
I look like a lost Weasley brother. You know, I look like Ron Weasley's lost, lost a big brother.
So what I do and what I've learned in my dating journey is to accentuate what I do offer, which in my case is sense of humor, you know, accentuate the positive. And you can learn how to do the same thing.
And by the way, I don't know anything.

I don't know what you look like. Your letter did not include a photo.
But let's assume for the sake of argument that you are not physically, the physically attractive prototype that you might think society, that women want and men in society. Let's assume that's the case.
Here's the thing about looks in dating, though. In dating, good looks are a lot like jacuzzis.
They're nice to have, but they're overrated. Because chances are your insecurity around your looks are hurting your dating life more than your actual appearance, right? I mean, think about it.
If you're really insecure about your physical appearance, that means you're probably not approaching women. You're probably insecure about how you look, so you're not able to be loose and free and in the moment and confident and just let it fly.
Just speak and express your true, real, best, authentic thoughts because you're worried about, oh, she doesn't like me. I'm ugly.
And if you are getting dates, then you're probably insecure about your appearance and that's hurting your confidence on dates. And that's the thing about perceiving yourself as physically unattractive or not good looking enough.
It definitely hurts your confidence. And women can smell low confidence on a man like too much Drakkar Noor.
So what you need to do if you're a guy who thinks he's not good looking is you need to shift your focus away from what you think you lack to what you know you offer. There's a lot of things you offer, but you're not focused on them.
You're focusing on what you think you lack, which is your physical appearance. And you're also assuming that every woman in the world wants a really good looking guy and that that's a deal breaker for her.
But again, it's not. Most women would say, sure, I'll take a good looking guy if he's really handsome.
What woman would say no to that? But is that the number one most important thing? Is that a prerequisite, a requirement for every woman? No. Take it from me, I've got 20 years of experience of working on my dating life, studying dating, studying the art of male-female connection.
And I just know for a fact that for a majority of women, being good-looking is not a requirement. It's a nice bonus, but not a requirement.
So you need to shift your focus away from what you think you lack to what you know you offer. And I want to give you four tips to help you, four things you can do to become more attractive to women.
Whether you look like Brad Pitt or Brad Garrett, doing these four things will help you become and feel more attractive to women. Whether you look like Brad Pitt or Brad Garrett,

doing these four things will help you become

and feel more attractive to women,

if not physically, then at least in your confidence.

Number one is first I want you to do your best

to hone a six-pack sense of humor.

Everyone loves to laugh, right?

So you can do things like take an improv class

or go into a date armed with a couple of funny stories from your life or get better at learning the art of humor in conversations. In fact, I have done and I'm going to continue to be doing episodes here on the podcast using different devices to become funnier in dating.
I do episodes and will continue to do episodes about sense of humor, how to use sarcasm, how to use irony, how to use double entendres, how to be a funnier storyteller. So another thing you can do to improve your six-pack sense of humor is go back and listen to recent episodes I've done about how to be funnier.
Because not every woman wants a male model, but pretty much every woman, almost every woman, I would say a vast majority wants to laugh on a date, wants to giggle at a funny text message so you can hone your six-pack sense of humor. Okay, second tip to become more attractive to women, even if you're not good looking,

is practice active listening.

Women love to be heard.

We all do.

Everyone loves to be heard.

But on a date or in a conversation, a woman loves to feel heard.

So during a conversation, here's a tip.

I learned this in improv classes, and it works so well in dating.

Repeat the last few words a woman says at the end of her sentence back to her. This shows her that you're listening and it also pulls you out of your head and into the moment.
So if she's talking about how she just went out the night before to a fancy Italian restaurant And she finishes her sentence by saying, oh my God, and the creme brulee was incredible. Then you're listening actively and you say to her, okay, so the creme brulee was incredible.
You repeat back those words, which keep you pulled into that present moment and then add something else, whether you ask a question about the creme brulee or what made it so good? Why was the creme brulee so delicious? Or, oh, I love creme brulee. I can make it myself if that's the case.
So repeat the last few words back to a woman. That'll make you a better, more active listener.
It'll make you more present. And this allows you to give her the present of your

presence. Tip number three is get great style.
Make sure your style is really dialed in. Looks don't much matter to women, but your look matters to women, your look, your style.
So make sure you have your style handled. Make sure you wear clothes that are tailored for your body type or that at least look tailored for your body type, right? That they look like they fit you or they do fit you.
That just, that's really, gives a really good impression that says to a woman, hey, this guy's got his style handled, so he must have his life handled. There was a men's health poll, in one men's health poll, 81% of women said that a man's style was, quote, very important and made him more attractive.
And in the same poll, many, many more women cited a man's style over his physical appearance as being what was more important to her. So make sure you have your style essentials handled, especially your clothes fitting really well.
One of the most common style mistakes I see is men with big blousy shirts that are too large, which can make a heavier guy look really heavy. And it makes a thin skinny guy who doesn't have a lot of muscles.
It makes that guy look really scrawny and emaciated. So make sure your clothes fit your physique.
You're going to look so much better. You're going to feel confident.
You're going to become more attractive instantly, partially because you're going to feel more attractive and women can sense that. And also because you're actually going to look better because your clothes fit better.
So you obviously have very limited control over your looks. But you can dramatically improve your look with one trip to the mall.
That's tip number three. And tip number four is really date with true authenticity.
Don't be somebody you're not. Don't say what you think she wants to hear on a date or don't text her through the lens of what do I have to say to get her to write me back.
Date and express yourself and communicate more through the lens of what am I thinking and feeling? What's a genuine, real opinion I have? As I mentioned in my books, I wrote a book called Dating Sucks But You Don't. As I wrote in that book, dating success starts by

getting in touch with you at your most authentic, your most genuine, your most real. And it's easy to lose sight of that because we get so focused in meeting women through the lens of how do I get a woman to like me? Or focused on will she reject me or accept me? And I want you to shift your focus away from there to how can I express my true self?

How can I be vulnerable?

How can I share my sense of humor?

How can I share about myself and learn about her authentic self as well?

Because when you have a man being genuine and authentic and vulnerable and a woman doing the same on a date,

that is really when real romantic and emotional connection can happen.

Okay, next question. This one's fun.
This comes from Ryan in Austin, Texas. Here we go.

Hey, Connell. After two pretty good dates with a woman, I invited her to my place for date number three to watch the movie Titanic.
She had never seen it before. I got emotional and

Thank you. two pretty good dates with a woman.
I invited her to my place for date number three to watch the movie Titanic. She had never seen it before.
I got emotional and teared up during the scene where an old couple are in bed holding each other as the ship goes down. I was planning to go for a first kiss after the movie, but as soon as the credits rolled, she said, well, it's getting late, and she left.
And I haven't heard from her since. I feel so rejected.
I thought women wanted emotionally open men. Did I show too much vulnerability? That's from Ryan, 33 years old in Austin, Texas.
Hey, no judgment here, Ryan. I cried while watching A League of Their Own.
I also cried while watching my cousin Vinny once. And I wanted to cry during Fast Five, but that's just because of Vin Diesel's acting.
That made me want to cry. And yeah, that scene in Titanic is heartbreaking.
It's also really genuinely emotional when Leonardo DiCaprio playing Jack Dawson, he meets that icy end on the North Atlantic. And by the way, come on, Rose.
Come on, Rose. There was plenty of room on that door.
Come on, be better, Rose. You could have let him on.
Anyway, Ryan, it sounds like you're worried that showing emotion and vulnerability is kind of like an iceberg that's going to sink the SS romance. But vulnerability is on a date or in dating, it's not a weakness.
Quite the opposite. Vulnerability is a strength.
As long as you pair that vulnerability with some fun, flirty, authentic confidence. So for example, on my first date with my girlfriend Jess, I told her about my failed nine-week marriage that I had many, many years ago.
And I also told her how clueless and insecure I used to feel about women and dating before I became a dating coach. That kind of vulnerability, that's not exactly bachelor highlight reel footage.
But I balanced that openness, that vulnerability with playfulness, with a genuine, authentic, masculine presence. And so our first date had a really nice spark.
It had variety, had humor, had some flirting. It also had vulnerability.
So it had a nice balance. much like in the movie, in Titanic, you know, Jack and Rose had moments of fun where they're dancing below deck, moments of vulnerability, like when Jack admits that he's just a drifter, he's got no money, no permanent home.
He's just a man living one moment to the next. So here's my question for you.
My question for you, Ryan, which is, did you flirt with her on these dates? Did you leave the dates with, with energy, with a leadership and confidence or try to, it sounds like since you, you hadn't kissed her by date three, as you write, you had not kissed her by date three. So I suspect that the romantic, the, the, the romantic momentum might have already been cooling for her by then, having nothing to do with your tears, with your crying.
Women like men who lead the dating dance. That sounds like you were not leading the dating dance.
If you had not gone for a first kiss by date three, you probably are not leading the dance the way most women want a man to lead that dance. Let's go back to Titanic, right? Rose falls for Jack, not just because he's a free spirited artist.
She's drawn to his passion. He stands up to her arrogant fiance.
He makes her laugh. He sees her as a person, not just a prize.
Billy know, her Billy Zane, her evil fiance, sees her as a prize. He sees her as a person.
So Jack, yes, Jack is emotionally open, but he's not only emotionally open. He shows leadership.
He shows playfulness, like in the spitting contest or the spitting lesson he gives her. He shows kindness.
And of course he shows strength. And if this woman lost interest in you, Ryan, it wasn't because you're sensitive.
It was because she didn't feel that you led the dating dance. Bottom line is this woman can cry with her best friends.
On a date, she, like most women, tend to want connection and chemistry combined with a man who leads. So when you're courting a woman, yes, let your vulnerability be one brushstroke, but it's in a larger kind of captivating, colorful, romantic canvas.
Okay. And the right woman is actually going to sit right next to you and she's going to tear up along next to you right on the couch with you.
And she'll give you room on the couch. Unlike a certain young aristocrat woman on a floating door in the North Atlantic.
Rose. Okay, next question.
This comes from Dev in New Jersey. Dev asks me, hey Connell, I was texting a woman I had just connected with on Hinge, and my phone auto-corrected, and it turned hey, beautiful into hey, boobzilla.
I was horrified. I sent her five apology text messages, and now she's ghosted me.
It's just so awkward. Should I keep trying or should I move on? That's from Dev.
Dev is 48 in Jersey City, New Jersey. That's so funny.
So he meant to write Hey Beautiful and wrote Hey Boobzilla. It's funny, oddly enough, Hey Boobzilla was also the name of my ska band in college.
Crazy. Anyway, Dev, the typo is not what got you ghosted.
What got you ghosted is likely your five text apology tour that followed. Now I've been doing improv comedy for many years, and we have a saying in the improv comedy world, there are no mistakes, only gifts.
There's no mistakes. There's just gifts.
Here's what I mean by that. If an improv actor doing a scene on the stage says something weird or quote wrong, then their scene partner doesn't correct that mistake.
They lean into it. They accept it and use it.
So for example, if I'm doing an improv scene and I meant to say my birthday cake, but I accidentally say my birthday kale because the words come out wrong, guess what? My character is now blowing out candles on a birthday salad made of kale, not of cake. That's unusual.
That's weird. And it's partially what makes it funny because it's so strange and unusual and surprising.
And you can see, I want you to look at texting mistakes that you might make the same way. Don't hit the panic button and don't do a five text apology.
Instead,, you could have said something like, Whoops, I meant to say, hey, beautiful, but my iPhone has named you Boobzilla. So I guess that makes you Boobzilla from now on.
You can call me Sir Faceplant. Or would you like to pick a different nickname for me? So that's what you could have texted her.
In other words, you could have agreed. You could have essentially said yes to the Hey Boobzilla and laughed about it with her rather than apologizing about it.
The truth is there's nothing to apologize. It's just a funny, absurd autocorrect.
Autocorrects are hilarious. Something to laugh about, not something to apologize about.
But do you see how much more playful it is to say, whoops, I guess your name is Boobsilla now. My phone has decided.
What's my nickname? Then she might give you a funny nickname. You guys, all of a sudden, you're swapping funny nicknames.

That's flirting. That's light, playful conversation, which is basically what flirting is.
See how much more light and playful that is than apologizing for a mistake that you thought you made? Yeah. So you can actually, you can still clear the air and also show that you're confident enough to laugh at yourself and say yes to the mistake.
So think of it like in texting, there are no mistakes. There's only gifts, just like in improv.
So your typo wasn't awkward, okay? Your over-apology was awkward, Dev, but your typo wasn't. So try to view your next texting mistake as a gift, not as a gaffe.
Okay, next question comes from Marcus in Denver. This is a heavy one, but it's an important one.
Actually, the next two are pretty heavy, important questions. Here we go.
This is from Marcus. Okay, last week, I had women cancel dates with me.
Okay, two women. This is a very frustrating pattern, he continues.
I'll set up a date and she'll seem into it. And then I'll go quiet for a few days so that I don't come off as needy.
And then the day before the next date I'll text her to see if we're still on, and she backs out. Can you help?

Marcus.

Marcus is 36 years old from Denver, Colorado.

Oh, man, I've been there, Marcus.

In 2025, right now in dating, dating plans, they're a lot like songs on a Spotify playlist.

They're easy to make, but they're also really easy to skip. And that's just where we are in dating right now.
But I have two really simple tips for you, two simple don'ts for you, Marcus, that I think are going to help you. First, don't go radio silent after you set up a date.
If you go radio silent after you set up a date, it's really easy for a

woman to lose interest. Most women prefer some sort of communication with a guy leading up to

the date, leading up to the meeting, to the meetup. And there's nothing needy, nothing needy at all

about a light text every other day or so to keep both of you excited about the date. You know, you might message her, hey, just three more days until you get to experience my karaoke voice, which only dogs can hear.
You know, you might do something like that. Or let's say your first date is, let's say the two of you have agreed to grab sangria and tapas.
Two or three days before the date, you might message her something about how, by the way, only two more days until you have the best, strongest sangria in town, you're going to thank me later. Smiley face or red wine emoji, something like that.
Just keeping her focused on the fun, specific, enjoyable date the two of you have planned. That keeps her excited.
I like to think about text messages sent in the days leading up to a date, kind of like a movie trailer, that gets her excited for the main feature presentation, which is meeting you. And so those text messages keep the lines of communication open and keep her excited about meeting you.
So that's one don't for you, Marcus. My second don't for you is don't confirm the date like it's a dentist appointment.
Or don't confirm the date like you're confirming a conversation with your accountant. right? You mentioned in your message that the day before the date, you text her to see if we're still on.
Well, I don't know exactly what you're writing, Marcus, but if you're writing something like, hey, just making sure, are we still on for tomorrow night? That is absolutely a recipe to make it easy for a woman to change her mind. Yeah, don't confirm the date like it's a business lunch or a business meeting.
Asking women, hey, are we still on for tomorrow night? Even the framing of that, the phrasing of that sounds like you're bracing for a no. And it also gives her an easy out if she's on the fence.
Now, you might be saying, well, she's on the fence. Do I even want to go out with her? I don't want to go out with somebody who's not interested in meeting up with me.
I hear you, but think of it this way. Let's say a woman you have a date lined up with.
You get the match online on a dating app. You set up the date.
The iron is hot right when you get that new match, that new mutual connection. You're both excited about it.
And then what happens is the iron gets cooler as a few days pass. That's just human nature.
And a woman's emotional state might just be different on Friday during the day for the Friday night date than it was on the previous Sunday when you got the match and set up the date. She might be in a different headspace.
She might be tired after a long week. She might just be a little bit more on the fence than she was when she first met you.
I should say match with you. So what you want to do is keep the iron warm during the week.

Keep the iron warm for both of you. So instead of, hey, are we still on for tomorrow night? We want to do, you want to send a message that keeps the momentum going in an enticing way.
And you also want to text her in a way that assumes that all systems are go for your date. You know, you might message something like,

yeah, like there was a sangria option I gave you. Or you might try something a little bit cheeky.
I always liked to send cheeky, confident messages. You know, I'd say something like, oh, hey, just a heads up for Friday night.
I just got a new haircut today, so I'm going to look extra handsome. You have been warned.
And then when she would respond to that with, ooh, well, all right, I better make sure that I look as good as you do. Not only are we flirting, but also she just confirmed the date, right? Or let's go back to the sangria idea.
Let's say you set up drinks, a first date of drinks at a wine bar for Friday night. On Thursday afternoon, you might send her a message that just says, hey, I'm looking forward to meeting you tomorrow night.
I'm curious, are you more of a white wine woman or a red wine woman? Inquiring gentlemen want to know. And if she responds, either answer, oh, I'm white.
I'm team white. I'm team red.
Whatever it is, guess what? She just confirmed your date. So you're confirming the date not with an are we still on, but you're confirming it with a light, fun, enticing question about the date itself.
So those are good ways to confirm a date and not make it sound like you're confirming a business proposition. And I have a client named Barry.
He had to learn this the hard way. He learned this lesson the hard way.
He set up a Bumble date. He went quiet for almost a week.
And then he went to confirm things a day before the date, or it might've even been later. I think it was actually the day of the date.
And she texted him. He said something like, Hey, just making sure we're still on for tonight, right? Eight o'clock.
And she wrote him, I'm actually quoting the exact screenshots that she sent him. She texted him.
I'll be honest. you went quiet on me, and I lost interest.
Just not feeling it now. And he learned that hard lesson.
So now if a woman does cancel, if she does decide to not have the date with you, then this happens too. It's part of dating.
Just drop her a classy, funny line, something like, okay, but what am I supposed to tell my parents? They were so excited to meet you. I always keep it classy.
Your graceful humor might actually give her second thoughts and spark her interest again, but even if it doesn't, you're going to take the thanks but no thanks. I changed my mind like a gentleman and keep the karma good and keep the feelings positive.
But what I've noticed is that when a woman does have to cancel, if I respond with a funny line like, oh no, I guess I'll have to return the engagement ring I bought you. Don't worry.
It's Cuba and Zirconia. It was only $12.
What I found is that if I use humor in texting a woman, whether she's canceling or whether we're just texting, that just makes her excited to meet me on a different date. Okay, one last question.
This comes from Jared, Minneapolis. He writes me, Hey, Connell, I meet a lot of dog lovers on the apps.
But I think women like my corgi, Stan, more than they like me. They go crazy for Stanley, but I never hear from them again.
Thoughts? Well, at least somebody in your home is enjoying some heavy petting, Jared. It's not you, but at least Stan is getting some action.
By the way, that's a fantastic name for a dog. I love it.
Stan is a great name for a corgi.

yeah bottom line Jared is if you are having a lot of women love your dog and who wouldn't love your dog but they're not wanting to have second dates with

you you want to ask yourself a simple question. Am I flirting with these women? Am I saying at least one flirtatious statement during a date? A compliment, a G-rated compliment of something you like about her as a person? Are you flirting a little bit, and are you being fun and playful on dates? Or are you being a little too overly logical? Are you being a little bit too serious or not bringing the fun and playfulness that women typically like? So it's not that Stan's not hurting you.
Stan is helping you. Stan is the ultimate wingman getting you some dates.
But you want to make sure that on dates you bring some fun some playfulness and some a sense of that leadership going back to that earlier question so I would say don't just meet a woman at the dog park let's say you're meeting it sounds like you're meeting women at the dog parks or I should say meeting first dates at the dog run make sure you have at least one other place to go that's dog friendly. Go get ice cream or go to sit, go grab smoothies or coffee and sit in the park.
Go do something that's not just about meeting your dog. Because Stan is there to make you look good, but we want women falling for you, not just for your adorable corgi, Stan.

Okay, thank you so much for listening.

That's today's episode of How to Get a Girlfriend.

And don't forget, your dream girlfriend, she is out there, and she is going to love you.

But she's going to have to meet the real, authentic you.

So go out there, take authentic, courageous action, and carpe datum, seize the date.

Until next time.