‘My Penis is Small. Should I Have Surgery to Impress Women?’ Dating Coach Connell Barrett Takes Your Questions

Penis size is overrated.

If length was all that mattered to women, then Ron Jeremy would be dating Sidney Sweeney.

Ew.

Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast.

I'm your host, dating coach, and best-selling author, Connell Barrett.

I want to help you overcome self-doubt.

Help you get really good at flirting and confidently meet your dream girlfriend and do it all by being authentic.

No sketchy pickup artist moves needed.

This is all about being what I call radically authentic.

Women like you for you, not some creepy version of you or a fake version of you.

And I want to help you today

overcome any insecurities you have,

whether it's about looks, height, or even, yes, penis size.

Also today, I want to help you know exactly the do's and don'ts of how to use chat GPT

in online dating and messaging women.

There are some right ways and wrong ways to do it.

And I also want to help you get better at texting women in between dates and leading up to dates.

How often should you text?

What's too much?

What's not enough?

Let's get to it.

And we're going to start with a question from a reader.

By the way, I call this episode Ask the Dating Coach.

I like to take the occasional podcast episode and just answer three or four questions from guys like you who are struggling.

And you're welcome to email me, Connell at datingtransformation.com.

Ask me any dating question you have.

And if I have the chance, I will answer you here on the podcast.

So, okay, let's get to it.

This first question, it's a doozy.

It comes from

Anonymous.

You'll understand why.

Anonymous, 29 years old, He sent me this email.

Hey, Connell,

help.

I'm barely four inches long, fully erect.

The average penis length, he writes, is 5.1 to 5.5 inches, so I am well below that.

When women find out my penis is small, I feel devastated.

Recently, a woman left my bedroom when she touched me down there.

and she said, sorry, I just can't.

And she walked out.

I was devastated.

I'm considering a surgical penile implant to make me longer and wider, but it's $16,000 and it comes with a painful recovery.

I'm terrified that women will keep rejecting me, but I'm also scared of going under the knife.

What should I do?

Signed anonymous.

Penis size is overrated.

If length was all that mattered to women, then Ron Jeremy would be dating Sidney Sweeney.

Ew.

So your problem is not the size of your penis.

It's the size of your self-doubt.

The most universal fear in dating is some variation of, what if I'm not enough?

What if I'm not tall enough or handsome enough or rich enough?

Or in your case, anonymous, it's what if I'm not big enough in the bedroom?

And this creates insecurity.

And few things repel women faster than insecurity, the possible exception of shirtless bathroom selfies.

And, bro, I know all about self-doubt.

For decades, I felt like, oh, I'm too shy.

I'm too nice.

I'm too nerdy.

I'm just not that outgoing alpha male that I thought women wanted.

Now, that's bullshit, but I believed it.

And now, as a dating coach, I've helped hundreds, hell, thousands of guys fix their confidence issues.

But now, years later, I can tell you that penis enlargement surgery is not going to cure what's truly costing you with women.

Because by walking out of the bedroom, that woman triggered your worst fear, which is that you're not enough, just not good enough for a woman, at least a quality woman.

And now that same little voice of fear is whispering, pay $16,000 and cut into your manhood.

That'll fix it.

Ugh.

By the way, isn't it funny that that little voice never whispers something helpful like try yoga or call your mom back.

So

I want to help you pause and pull out of this panic spiral, okay?

I know that her reaction shook you, but my question for you is, are you going to let one person's opinion of your penis size determine your worth as a man and also have it send you to a surgeon?

I hope you realize how

absurd and insane this all sounds.

So I want you to stop asking yourself the question that's creating this panic spiral, okay?

Stop asking yourself, why am I cursed with a small penis?

And ask yourself a better question with a better answer.

The question is, can I be desired and loved as I am?

And the answer needs to be yes.

Yes.

So more about that in a moment.

More about this little mindset shift I want to give you.

First, let's talk about that surgery.

First, let's talk about your penis size.

So if you're about four inches, yes, you are about an inch shorter than average, but you're not a quote-unquote micro penis.

You're not like literally thimble size.

So there's a bit of a silver lining here.

But in terms of your question about surgery, should you get it?

My short answer is no.

My long answer is hell to the no.

See, longer isn't always better.

So penile enlargement surgery, I did some research on this in answering your question.

It's high risk and low reward.

We're talking potential scarring, potential nerve damage, of infection.

And sometimes guys who have penile surgery actually lose length or they wind up with a misshapen penis.

And I found one study that reported that 57% of men who get these girth procedures were dissatisfied when it was over because of lumps, bumps, and deformities.

So here's your worst outcome, Anonymous.

Imagine you pay 16 grand, cut open your manhood, and you end up with a franken penis.

We don't want that for you.

So it's no wonder that

an agency called the American Neurological Association does not recommend these surgeries for men.

At least not men with normal anatomy.

You have normal, healthy anatomy, I'm assuming.

And

the AUA, American Neurological Association, also generally just says these are not safe and effective procedures.

So in my view, penile surgery in your case isn't self-improvement.

It's self-sabotage with a scalpel.

So do not do it.

In my, I'm not a medical expert opinion.

Okay.

Now, you can absolutely find love.

with a below average size penis.

It does happen.

It happens every day.

But the first thing you need to stop doing is listening to the lie that you're too small for a woman.

Okay.

Then you need to work on making yourself more attractive as a man.

Basically, I'm saying build a better you, not a bigger unit.

And here's proof that this works.

I have a client.

I'll call him Tyler, not his real name.

That's not his real name.

Tyler came to me with your exact measurements and the same sense of doubt that was just crushing him.

And Tyler felt that his four-inch penis made him undatable.

But he didn't go under the knife.

Instead, we worked on his self-worth, his self-esteem.

He took up Taekwondo.

He enrolled in a sex ed course on giving women pleasure, how to give women pleasure.

And he also stopped Googling, do I have a micro penis at 3 a.m.?

That helped.

Don't do that.

And by the time he and I were done.

working together, he was dating a really wonderful woman named Donna, also not her real name, but because I do protect people's privacy.

And

the names are changed, but this is a true detail.

After their first night together, intimate night, they hooked up.

She told him, according to his words, you're such a good lover.

Because he knew how to please her body in ways beyond using his penis, although he also did that.

Yes, she was pleased by his four-inch penis and other things about him.

And he actually choked up when he was telling me that she said, you're such a good lover.

She said it in bed when they finished.

She was like whispering and cuddling with him.

You're such a good lover.

And he choked up telling me that.

You struggle with dating, right?

Sure, you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt.

The apps don't work for you.

And sometimes women put you in the friend zone.

It's frustrating.

Hey, I struggled with dating too.

As an introvert and a total nerd, I didn't just live in the friend zone.

I owned real estate there.

But I escaped using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love.

It's what I wrote about in my best-selling book, Dating Sucks, But You Don't.

And radical authenticity is why Psychology Today called me the best dating coach in America.

And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend.

So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me.

On our call, I'll tell you how my one-on-one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend and you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity.

No creepy pickup tricks needed.

So go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call today, and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend.

So if you're undersized down there, I want to give you three better ways than surgery to improve your dating fortunes.

Number one,

write out out a confidence creed.

Confidence creed.

Romantic self-worth starts with knowing what you offer.

And if you don't believe in your worth, why would any woman believe it?

So write what I call a confidence creed, something I do with my clients.

A confidence creed is a simple, unshakable statement of your enoughness.

That you're good enough, you're significant, you're attractive to women.

And it can begin with this phrase, quote, it should begin with this phrase, quote,

when I'm honest with myself, I know I'm worthy of love because,

and then list three specific, undeniable traits that make you a great catch.

Tyler wrote, when I'm honest with myself, I know I'm worthy of love.

Because I'm well educated.

I have a dry sense of humor.

I run marathons.

And women love smart, fit men like me.

He has a master's degree in engineering, runs marathons, also became a taekwondo.

Well, I don't know about expert, but competent at Taekwondo.

And this belief, his education, his intelligence, his humor, his fitness, this belief helped him connect with how much he offers women.

All of a sudden, he felt more confident.

And that belief is much more truthful.

The one he wrote was much more more truthful than his old one.

Think about this.

His old belief was,

no woman on earth wants me because I have a smaller than average penis.

Wah.

That was what that little asshole voice of self-doubt was saying to him.

His new belief, again, man, when I'm honest with myself, I'm worthy of love because I'm educated.

I got a master's.

quirky sense of humor.

I run marathons and women love smart fit guys like me.

So step step one, write a confidence creed.

Get in touch with your enoughness.

And by the way, if you are listening to this and you have a very normal, good-sized penis, there's something else you doubt about yourself.

Do you doubt your looks?

Are you balding?

Got a few extra pounds?

Not sure how to flirt with women?

Are you a virgin?

Are you a quote nerd?

Are you a software engineer who's never had a girlfriend?

Every guy has a different variation variation of I'm not good enough.

So the advice I'm giving you here, it's not just for men with a smaller than average penis.

It's for any guy who feels like he's too small for a wonderful woman.

So anyway, first thing, write that confidence creed.

Second thing, read a great book called Come as You Are by Emily Nagosky.

Come as You Are.

If women's bodies are a mystery to you, I'll bet they are, this book, it's a science-packed book, all about

explaining, revealing female sexuality, how it all works.

It's filled with science, humor.

It's a wonderful read.

And

rather than feeling insecure in the bedroom, after you read this book, you're going to be able to understand much better how to push a woman's so-called buttons.

Speaking of buttons,

women's buttons, one chapter in Come As You Are is called called The Clit, The Whole Clit, and Nothing But the Clit.

So, so help me God.

And the third thing I want you to do is master something else that women will crave.

Master something else she'll crave.

And I'm a big fan of learning how to cook.

Learning to cook isn't just about food.

Master making at least one challenging dish.

You know, a creamy mushroom risotto or a sizzling chili garlic stir-fry.

When you master cooking, I don't mean you don't need to become Bobby Fley, but when you master one or two dishes, you become so much more attractive to women because there's just something really sexy about a guy who's good in the kitchen.

So I guess what I'm saying is if you can't whip out a 12-inch cock, whip out a 12-inch wok.

Okay.

Oh, and here's one more thing, one more little tip for you for anonymous or you if you are undersized down there.

So with your newfound confidence and with your newfound culinary skills, sooner or later,

you'll be able to use the following sex tip.

This will come in handy.

This is for smaller endowed men.

Try the reverse cowgirl, but with a pillow assist.

So look up reverse cowgirl, Google it, chat GPT it, look up what the reverse cowgirl is, you'll see what it is.

And then, but you want to use a pillow to assist.

This is a position that many sex educators suggest for men with smaller penises.

So during reverse cowgirl, you place a pillow under her hips,

and this helps to lift the angles of her pelvis so that she can lower down on you during sex and give you more,

make you go deeper, give you more depth, while also helping press against

her clitoris with your pelvis in a way that women typically really feel good about.

So you'll go deeper and she will feel more stimulation.

Okay.

I gave this

reverse cowgirl with the pillow assist tip to Tyler, my client I mentioned earlier.

He tried it and he said the pillow boost with the reverse cowgirl move, move, he did it with Donna.

He said it made him feel two inches longer.

He felt like a full-on six-incher.

That's a good place to be.

And Donna clearly liked it.

She liked the reverse cowgirl.

She thought it was ye hot.

Couldn't resist that one.

Okay.

Basically, anonymous, forget about gaining more inches.

Okay.

Gain more confidence.

Self-worth is the only enlargement that really works.

And bonus, it's covered by every insurance plan.

Okay, next question comes from

AJ in Austin, Texas.

AJ writes, hey, Connell, where do you stand on chat GPT and AI when it comes to dating apps?

I am torn.

On one hand, I struggle with what to write in my profile and my openers.

I'm just not good at writing and flirting over text.

But also, I feel like I'm not being authentic.

I'm not being myself.

I'm not being my quote true self, as you say.

and that I shouldn't give my

dating

job to robots.

What do you think?

Should I use AI with my dating profile and texting women, or is this something I should not even use?

Great question, AJ and Austin.

Yeah, so you just summed up a big, the AJ, the AI dilemma in dating.

Can you

Should you and can you use tech, use AI to help you with openers,

with writing your profile?

Should you let it?

And or should you use it?

My answer is nuanced.

Should you let it take over your online dating?

Should you have chat GPT or Claude or Gemini?

Oh, don't use Gemini.

Gemini fucking sucks.

Gemini sucks.

Unless Google becomes a sponsor of my podcast, I'm going to tell you, Gemini sucks.

But I do like Claude and I like chat.

Anyway, should you let chat write your profile?

No.

You should not let AI write your openers from whole cloth.

Absolutely not.

Here's my bottom line.

As you know, if you know anything about me, nothing is more important in dating than channeling, expressing

authenticity, being your authentic self.

And that goes for the dating apps as well.

Authenticity is attractive.

It's what works.

If you are not being yourself,

if you offload your personality to chat GPT,

you are watering down the single most attractive thing you offer women, which is the real you, the true you.

Chat GPT will make you sound like, if you outsource the writing to chat, you'll sound like everybody else.

You won't even sound like everybody else.

You'll sound like a robot.

You'll just sound fake.

You'll sound, well, robotic.

Because dating is about heart.

It's about humor.

It's about human connection, emotional connection.

AI has none of these.

AI is literally just doing an impression of human emotion.

You ever been creeped out?

By the way, I'm not against AI at all, but I'm against using it the wrong way.

And have you ever been using chat?

And it does something like

you're talking to chat about whatever the question is.

And then it tries to talk to you like it's a human.

It says, Hey, man, I totally know what you're going through, bro.

And I feel so creepy when chat does that.

I want to throw my phone against the wall and be like, Ew, the robots are taking over.

They're trying to be human.

It just feels icky because it's not real, it's code, it's ones and zeros.

Um, it's just so weird when chat GPT talks to me like it's a person, it's like getting empathy from a toaster, it's just wrong, anyway.

Um,

so yeah, I um

I'm a fan of using AI the right way.

Here's how I recommend you use AI.

Don't use AI.

Use what I call HI.

What's HI?

Use human intelligence.

Use your own intelligence, your own wit, your own personality first.

And then bring in AI

as a advisor, as a sounding board.

Have you ever grabbed your phone and said, hey, to your friend, Mike, hey, man, hey, Mike, I just matched with this girl on Hinge.

What do you think of this opener?

And you wrote it and you want to show it to your friend.

He's like, oh, I don't know, man, that's good.

Or, you know, try this.

Treat AI like your friend, Mike, where you run something by AI.

but don't have AI

create something from whole cloth.

Okay.

So here are some quick do's and don'ts.

So the main don'ts is don't let AI write your whole pro your whole profile.

That's outsourcing your personality.

Women don't want to date Claude or chat.

They want to date you.

It won't sound like you.

It won't work.

It will be awful.

Don't

copy and paste robot lines from chat.

Don't

show chat a woman's profile and say, hey, what do you think I should send her for this opener?

It's going to give you this basic terror,

not terrible, mediocre openers.

In chat's defense, it's not going to give you, how was your day?

Chat's smart enough not to do that.

But you know what I've noticed?

It has these go-to lame predictable openers.

It does one,

chat does one where it says, Oh, hey,

how about a date?

You bring the

you bring the um

it's like you bring the X, I'll bring the Y.

Hey, I see that you're into skiing.

How about it?

How about we get drinks?

You bring the skiing stories and I'll bring the sparkling personality.

Chat has these go-to templated openers and they sound very samey.

And again, they just don't sound like you.

And then also

don't use chat or any AI to try to be funny.

Chat is so unfunny.

It is not funny at all.

It is so bad.

And look, I'm not saying I'm the world's most brilliant comedy writer, but I'm pretty good.

I'm pretty funny.

I'm pretty witty in my better days.

One of my dating superpowers is humor.

And I've tested chat and it's just not good at humor.

They're very cheesy.

They're bad dad jokes.

I'm pro dad jokes, but they're bad dad jokes.

And sometimes they just literally don't make sense.

So I don't know, maybe a year or two from now, it'll be better.

But AI AI just does not know how to be funny and sound like a human.

Those are my don'ts.

Here are some do's though.

Do write your own profile first.

Put some heart, some humor in it, some specificity.

Use the advice I share with you here on the podcast and in my book.

And then use AI

almost like

a secondary edit, a second set of eyes.

You can upload your bio onto chat and say, hey, how do you think this could be better?

What could be tighter about this?

I'll concede something.

Chat and AI can at times be a brilliant collaborator.

It's a really good collaborator.

I've used chat a few times as almost like a assistant editor.

who's giving me a second set of eyes with feedback on something I'm writing.

And it's a pretty smart on-point collaborator.

It does learn as it goes.

So you could, I would start with your own bio and then run it by chat and say, how do you think I could make this better?

You could also ask chat or any AI program to ask you questions that you, that, that will help you come up with an even better profile.

So you can kind of you, you can use it to help you

find

the specifics about your passions your personality the things that make you datable to get it on your profile the second do

is

is absolutely i come up with a fun playful opener that you want to send that woman before you send it to her run it by chat i'm totally cool with that

for tweaks ask chat hey how can we make this better how can we make this more playful more more flirty?

But the seed needs to be yours.

If you start with chat from whole cloth, it's going to give you garbage.

It really will.

And

another good way to use chat GPT is

to,

let's say you're messaging with a woman and you're not sure where to take things next.

Now,

what you could do, you can upload, take a screenshot of where where you are in the texting conversation with her, doing it genuinely, and then you can say, hey, chat, do you think I should ask this woman out right now?

Or do you think I should change a topic?

If so, what topic would it make sense to change it to?

So it can steer you in the right direction, but don't turn it into

your actual voice.

Women have their guard up about this.

You should know this.

Women have their guard up big time against a profile that's overly AI'd.

One of my favorite prompts that I'm really proud of, I mentioned this a couple episodes ago.

One of my favorite prompts that works really well is

on Hinge.

It's, if you like tall, handsome, intelligent, witty, sexy, charismatic, successful men who like dogs and kids, dot, dot, dot, then you should meet my brother.

Fun little twist, right?

And I've gotten a lot of likes on that prompt.

And then, but a couple women have said, hey, that's really funny.

Did you write that?

Or was that AI?

And

you want to beware of, and I actually took that as a compliment because, by the way, that was 100% me, I'm proud to say.

But

it reminded me that, oh, wow, women have their guard up against profiles.

that come off as fake or that seem

generic or that maybe even if it's too good, a woman has her guard up.

And the best way, the best path here for you is keep it authentic, keep it genuine, be real, be imperfectly perfect.

Nothing wrong with that.

And then you could use chat as a second set of eyes.

And your final do is this.

Before you send whatever message you're going to send to that woman with a little help from chat, or before you post that profile with prompts that you have polished with AI's help, Filter everything through this lens.

The lens is this.

Does this sound like me?

Does this prompt sound like me?

Does this opener actually sound like me?

And if it doesn't sound like you, don't use it.

Don't send it, even if it's a quote-unquote good piece of content.

Because if it doesn't sound like you, She's going to notice how you are coming off as very different on your date than you seemed when you were messaging or you seemed on your profile.

That inauthenticity, that incongruence is going to quickly torpedo that date.

So you want to make sure that you are projecting the real true you, but do it with AI and chat as like a

consulting editor.

Not a ghostwriter.

Don't use it as a ghostwriter.

Use it as a almost like a really smart, intelligent buddy.

Just like you're showing your buddy your phone.

Okay.

Okay.

Let's go to one more question.

Let's see here, which one?

Oh, this comes from my client.

From my client, my friend, Nick.

I got this from my buddy Nick.

He said, hey, Connell.

Let's see, where is it here?

Oh, hey, Connell.

I'm really bad at texting lol.

Maybe I should hire you.

Yeah, you should.

What's the rule for how often I text women between dates?

From my buddy Nick.

How often to text women between dates?

It depends.

My general rule is that you want to read the room.

My girlfriend, Jess, and I, between our first and second date, gosh, we probably texted 25, 30 times because we have a natural bantery back and forth.

Other women I've dated are not that big into texting, and it might just be a cadence of once,

once every other day or so, once a day.

Here's the way to think about texting women in between dates.

You want to follow a couple of rules, but you don't want to be overly restrictive.

A couple of rules you want to follow is keep it playful, light.

That's a big important rule text is about light playful interactions should be anyway

and

the other rule you want to follow is you want it to be whatever the cadence is you want it to be roughly 50 50 40 60 either way you don't want it to be 90 10.

so how many texts should you send between the date it completely depends on your vibe with her on the date.

Some women will send you dozens.

If you like that and you have the time to send a dozen messages a day, Godspeed.

You might not.

You have to take into account your own personal texting style.

Maybe you're just a busy guy.

I have a client named Mickey who has been dating, was dating a really cool woman on Hinge,

and she got sort of frustrated.

She was really into him, is really into him.

but got frustrated because he's running a business.

He's not on his phone all day.

He's too busy running a business.

And he's not great at like constant texting.

And then she got kind of frustrated because she wanted several messages a day.

He didn't.

So you want to be on the same page.

You want to be on the same page with her.

But to Nick's question, the guideline to follow is however often you text, you want it to be playful and light.

And you want the cadence to be roughly

40, 60, 50, 50 within reason.

And I would say the bare minimum, though, to keep the, you want to keep the iron nice and warm between that first and second date.

You want to keep some kind of communication going.

So I would say bare minimum would be one,

at least one text exchange every other day.

There's your bare minimum.

And it can be a lot more than that, depending on your vibe back and forth.

So that's my answer to Nick.

Okay.

Thank you so much for listening to Ask the Dating Coach.

Until next time, don't forget, your dream girlfriend, she is out there and she is going to love meeting you, but she's going to need to meet the real, authentic you.

Talk soon.