Women Reveal the Truth: Approaching is Charming, Not Creepy—if You Do THIS

I got rejected so much.

I got rejected more times than a Jehovah's Witness knocking on doors.

Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast.

I'm your host, dating coach, Connell Barrett.

I'm here to help you approach women, get more dates, and get a great girlfriend, and do it all by being authentic.

No sketchy, weird, pickup artist moves needed.

In today's episode, in about 20 minutes, I want to help you end your fear of approaching.

I want to help you fix approach anxiety, this invisible wall that keeps you from walking up to women and taking a shot at romance, taking a shot at a flirtatious interaction.

There's something so powerful about being able to confidently walk up to women in a bar, in a coffee shop, in a park, at the gym, and to just have that moment where you catch eyes, you chat with her, you like each other, and then go on a date.

It's incredible.

I imagine you would like to do that, but you can't or you don't.

Something is pushing back against you.

And I want to tell you exactly what that is, what it very likely is.

And here's what it is: the number one most universal cause of approaching anxiety is your fear of coming off as creepy, of bothering women, doing something that might be perceived in her eyes or the eyes of others as creepy, weird, that guy who's bothering women.

So you want to meet women in the real world, but what stops you is, oh, I don't want to be that creepy guy.

Another way to put this might be, women don't want me to approach them.

Women don't want to be bothered.

They don't want some creepy guy coming up and hitting on them.

I'll bet you've had those thoughts, right?

Well, I want to help you fix that, shift that, transform that in about 20, 25 minutes.

And at the end of the episode, or near the end, in the last couple of minutes, stick around because I want to share with you maybe the biggest secret I can share with you about what to say when you approach and the truth behind what you need to say when you approach.

Bottom line is, I'll bet you've wanted to approach, but you didn't know what to say, right?

Well, you probably

were thinking, I don't know what to say to avoid getting rejected and coming off like a creep.

So let me tell you a quick story.

So if you've been listening to my podcast, you might know that Here in 2025, this is the 20th anniversary of me working on dating.

It was 20 years ago, exactly.

I got out of a long relationship where we were both settling.

And I said, okay, I've got to figure this whole dating thing out.

So in my 20 years, a few years into my single life journey, I started approaching women and I hired a coach.

It's the first chapter of my book.

I talk all about my very first night out approaching women and

the big breakthrough I had that night.

Now,

I was approaching women pretty consistently early on,

but I wasn't comfortable doing it.

I had a lot of nerves.

I had a lot of fear.

I was so afraid of bothering women.

Look, I'm a nice guy.

I'm a gentleman, I think.

I don't want to bother women.

I don't want to be some creepy guy.

So, I was really in my head a lot about bothering women.

And

here's a story where things started to shift.

I'm at Whole Foods, circa 2010.

I'm at Whole Foods and I see a really pretty brunette

and she's in the cereal aisle.

We both are.

And I'm thinking, oh my God, I would love to talk to her.

I would love to meet her.

And I'm really nervous, but I've gotten

enough

reps and momentum where I was at least occasionally talking to women.

So I walk over to her and we start chatting about our favorite cereal.

I think mine at the time was honey bunches of oats.

And we have a really light,

pleasant conversation about cereal.

I get her name.

Her name is Ashley.

And we talk for three or four or five minutes.

And at the end of the interaction, I'm so nervous.

And I finally say, hey, would you like to go out sometime, get a drink?

It'd be nice to get to know you better.

And she smiled and said, sure.

And she gave me her number.

It went way more smoothly than I ever imagined.

Not only was I not creepy to her, she actually really liked me.

And, but I'll never forget what she said at the end of this interaction.

So I get her number, and right before we part ways, I said to her, by the way, thank you for being so nice.

Or

thank you for being so friendly.

And I think she could sense that I had been nervous.

And I did it anyway.

I talked to her anyway.

And she looked at me and said, it's okay.

You can come talk to us.

We like it.

I'll say that again.

It was like she was talking to all men.

And I want you to imagine Ashley, a pretty

late 20s woman in a Whole Foods cereal aisle.

I want you to imagine her talking to you right now

through time, through my podcast microphone.

Listen to her words again.

It's okay.

You can come and talk to us.

We like it.

That is the main message I want you to to know from today's episode.

Women want you to come and talk to them if you do it with good intentions, if you do it by being authentic in yourself.

Good intentions of, hey, I want to make your day better.

I want to make you smile.

And if we have chemistry, maybe ask you out on a date.

Those are good intentions.

You want to do it with good intentions, authenticity, being a gentleman.

What women don't like, they don't like being objectified.

That's creepy.

They don't like just being approached and hit on because they want you to validate them.

You want her to validate your self-esteem.

Yay, I'm good enough for girls.

That's a little creepy because it's all about you.

They don't want to just be leered at because of their bodies.

So there is nothing creepy.

about walking up to a woman with good intentions and shooting your shot shot, as long as you're being genuine and truthful and yourself.

So, yeah, maybe the biggest myth in dating,

I think this might be the biggest myth in all of dating, is it's creepy to approach women.

It's not creepy to approach women.

The truth is, it's not.

It's creepy to objectify them, but that's not you.

If you're listening to my podcast, you are not a creepy guy who objectifies women.

It's creepy to stare at a woman and want to talk to her, but not do it.

That's creepy.

Or at least it reads as creepy.

It's actually not creepy, but it reads as creepy to women.

It's creepy to walk up to a woman and hide your real intentions and only talk about cereal and then not ask her out.

That would have been kind of creepy if I had done that.

Or at least, again, it would have been a little off.

If you're genuine, if you're respectful, if you're vulnerable, women actually want a guy like you to come and and talk to her.

I was not confident when I met Ashley that day.

Don't think you have to be some amazing, confident approacher.

It'd be nice if you felt confident, but do it nervously if you're nervous.

I was nervous when I walked up to her,

and she sensed that.

And not only was she not

turned off by it, I think she liked it.

I think she liked this idea of a nice, shy guy like this Ginger Connell guy just coming up and taking a shot.

And turns out she was single, I'm single, and we were on a date a couple of nights later.

And I just, I can't thank Ashley enough for telling me and for telling you, it's okay.

We like it.

Come talk to us.

In other words, it's not creepy.

It's not creepy.

Yeah, so it's not creepy.

It's a social risk.

Don't get me wrong.

I do acknowledge that it's a social risk, but it's not creepy.

You know what is creepy?

You know what's way creepier than walking up to a random woman?

It's not walking up to her and then following her Instagram stories for three years.

That's creepy.

But it's not creepy to just go up and talk to her.

You struggle with dating, right?

Sure, you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt.

The apps don't work for you.

And sometimes women put you in the friend zone.

It's frustrating.

Hey, I struggled with dating too.

As an introvert and a total nerd, I didn't just live in the friend zone.

I owned real estate there.

But I escaped using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love.

It's what I wrote about in my best-selling book, Dating Sucks, But You Don't.

And radical authenticity is why psychology today called me the best dating coach in America.

And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend.

So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me.

On our call, I'll tell you how my one-on-one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend, and you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity.

No creepy pickup tricks needed.

So, go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call today, and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend.

Here's another story from around that time.

I was at, I loved meeting women in daytime venues, bookstores, coffee shops, Whole Foods, the gym.

I did learn about doing it at night, and I love going out and teaching guys approaching at night, bars, clubs, lounges.

But my sweet spot back in the day was I just like to go into places where I could hear myself talk,

have conversations.

And I was at Barnes and Noble one day, Barnes Noble in Union Square, New York City.

And I was gaining some confidence.

You know, occasionally, women like Ashley were helping me realize it's not creepy.

And I saw this really pretty blonde at Barnes and Noble on a Saturday afternoon, and she was looking at greeting cards, the different cards that Barnes and Noble sells.

And she's very pretty, wearing jeans and,

you know, her hair pulled back and a cute ponytail.

Very pretty.

And I just walked up to her and I said, hey, excuse me, you're really cute.

And I smiled.

And I had a lot of confidence in in that moment maybe because of ashley's giving me a little boost of confidence and this woman turns to me and says hi smiling you're you're cute too that might have been the first time i'd ever had a woman call me cute no wait one woman in college called me cute

but it's been a long time and this woman said hi you're cute too Her name is Lane.

And we started chatting.

And again, five, 10-minute interaction, just talking about books and why she was looking at greeting cards and what I was doing that day.

I just probably just come back from the gym.

So I get her number, take my phone out and say, hey, we should meet up.

It'd be nice to have a drink with you and continue this conversation.

She said, sure, we exchanged numbers.

Here's the moment I remember about Lane, though.

Later that day, I sent her a text message.

Hey, it was great meeting you.

Glad I ran into you.

Knowing me, I probably cracked a joke, some kind of joke.

Hey, thanks for being nice to the tall ginger.

Anyway,

and she wrote back again, and I quote, I still have the screenshot somewhere in my in my photos.

She wrote back, it was great meeting you too.

Thanks for picking me up.

She actually used the word picking up.

And I thought that made me laugh because at the time I thought, oh my God, it's so creepy and weird to pick up a girl.

And actually, Lane used the term.

She was like, yeah, thanks for picking me up.

And then two or three nights later, we met up for a first date.

Here's a little sidebar tip for you about what women look like in the daytime when you meet them and what they're going to look like on a first date for what this is worth.

I don't use the number system very much.

I'm not a one to 10 guy typically.

But if you want, just for the sake of simplicity, let's say

Lane was a seven, 7.5, very pretty, very cute, very cute for me to go talk to.

And

she shows up on her first date a few nights later.

Her hair is blown out, blonde hair forever.

She's actually pretty tall.

I didn't realize how tall she was when I met her.

She's wearing heels, a really cute dress, form fitting.

She walks into this bar.

in Greenwich Village, and I'm waiting for her sitting in the loungy area of this cool bar.

In walks Lane, and she is a total 10.

so my tip for you is when you see a a cute quote unquote seven seven and a half physically and i by the way i see much more beauty in women besides their looks but if we're just dealing pure numbers game here if you see a quote seven in the daytime she's going to be a 9.5 on the date keep that in mind okay

because she's just a random girl random woman walking around on a lazy saturday she was not trying to get all dialed up she did not know a random red-headed dude was going to come talk to her.

So I really like that lane story.

Again, it was a reminder that women want you to come and talk to them.

Now, what do they really want?

Does every woman want every guy to come approach her?

No.

No, she doesn't want every guy to come approach her.

But does she want the right guy?

Does she want a charming guy?

Does she want a good-hearted guy with good intentions to do do it with some genuine vulnerability authenticity as opposed to planning scripted pickup lines or saying manipulative things she women want the former not the latter right they want genuine they want real

and

here's another story by the way i don't want to only tell you my quote success stories I don't want to strain credibility here and make you think every approach Connell ever did was successful.

I got rejected so much.

I got rejected more times than a Jehovah's Witness knocking on doors.

Now, but most of the time the rejection wasn't mean.

It was pretty polite.

It was, hey, thanks, but I have a boyfriend.

And I had many women say to me, hey, I'm not really available, but keep it up.

Oh, I remember one girl I approached.

I forget where it was.

It was definitely,

it was at night, actually.

And I approached her at this rooftop bar called the Brass Monkey.

And I had talked to a lot of girls that night.

And a girl said, Oh, no thanks, but keep it up.

You're doing it right.

She kind of smiled.

She gave me a thumbs up as she blew me off.

She did it in a nice way.

She was like, Sorry, but

keep it up.

You're doing it right.

I heard that many times.

That was really good feedback.

So even a quote rejection, a non-result,

whoops, my alarm went off.

Even a rejection, a quote-unquote non-result, can turn into something to make you feel good.

And that's how we can start fixing your approach anxiety.

Right now, your anxiety is, I'm going to come off as creepy.

I'm bothering women.

And I'll be flamed on TikTok.

And there'll be a poster of me at the post office, creepy guy approaching women.

That's not going to happen, dude.

Worst that's going to happen is she'll say, hey, sorry, I have a boyfriend.

or she might be a little bit dismissive.

No, thanks.

And she'll just walk away.

But those are good.

Those are good experiences to have because they'll thicken your skin.

They'll thicken your skin.

And so, yeah, I've been, I've been,

rejection is a strong word.

I don't like to use it.

But let's say that I have not gotten a phone number and a date from the vast majority of approaches I've done.

The reason I've gotten so many results from approaching and met girlfriends from approaching and gotten numbers numbers and hookups and so much growth is because most of the time I'm not getting those results.

And that's okay.

I think of it like, I think of approaching like being a major league baseball player.

The best major leaguers fail to get a base hit 70% of the time.

And these guys are in the hall of fame.

So there is nothing wrong with approaching.

And not getting a phone number, not getting your interest.

That's okay.

That's part of how dating works.

So

think of it like a major leaguer.

You want to go for a 300 average.

That would be amazing.

You're not supposed to get every woman to like you.

So, anyway, let's go back to another story here.

I want to tell you about a woman named Stephanie.

Stephanie, oh my god, I stun her.

She looked like Tawny Katain.

Rest in peace, Tawny Katain.

Tawny Katain, a beautiful actress from the 80s, 90s.

You would know Tawny Katain from the video for

White Snake's song,

Here I Go Again.

You know, here I go again on my own.

The beautiful redhead who's dating the lead singer, David Coverdale, at the time, she's in this incredible music video.

Anyway, I'm at a farmer's market one day, and I see this woman who looks like Tanya Katain, beautiful red hair, just dynamite.

And

I was feeling really confident that day.

Confidence comes comes and goes.

Social confidence comes and goes.

That day, I was feeling it, so I rode those waves.

I walked up to her at this little farmer's market table.

She's looking at jams and jellies.

And I walked up and I said, hey, I just saw you and you're gorgeous.

I had to meet you.

Just boom, owned it.

Direct.

That's called a direct approach, showing clear, direct romantic intent.

from the get-go.

Now, you might think that's creepy.

You might think that's weird, but Stephanie really liked it.

She smiled.

She kind of dropped her jaw a little bit, a little smile.

And she's like, hi.

Wow, you're really confident, she said.

And then she held up her left hand, showing a big sparkling engagement ring.

So no, no date going to happen there.

She's like, but she held up her hand, but she felt so good that I had come up to her.

She had lit up.

She respected my confidence.

And we talked for a couple of minutes.

Oh, I remember what I said.

So when a woman showed me a quick ring or a quick, hey, sorry, I'm not available.

I would say, what?

You've been cheating on me all this time before we even met?

This is not a good way to start a relationship.

And she laughed.

That's a little back pocket line I used to use.

So you feel free to use that if you want to.

And here's the thing is I didn't just walk away and like I did anything wrong.

Because guess what?

I'm not doing anything wrong.

I'm a man looking for love like you are.

I'm thinking of myself as the hero on a hero's journey, looking for the woman I'm going to share my life with.

I want you to think of yourself like a hero on a hero's journey, looking for love, looking for that incredible woman.

That was always my story.

I told myself.

So I did nothing wrong and she liked talking to me.

And so I didn't just immediately walk away.

I didn't, I wasn't trying to date her.

I knew she wasn't available.

I just thought, all right, I'll talk to this woman.

Her name is Stephanie.

We chatted for a couple of minutes.

And after a couple, it was just friendly, just friendly, farmers market, a little bit about her, a little bit about me.

I was about to walk away saying it was nice meeting you.

Before I did that,

she said, hmm, she looked at me with

a

contemplative thought of expression on her face.

She said, hmm,

which of my friends should I set you up with?

And then she takes her phone and starts scrolling through her contacts and showing me a couple photos.

She's like, hey, what do you think about Jennifer?

Do you think she's cute?

Would you want to go out with her?

So she starts playing matchmaker for me.

Two minutes earlier, she didn't know I existed.

All I did was approach.

I said what I felt.

She wasn't available, but she was appreciative.

And not only did I not creep her out, not only was I not bothering her,

even though I was not quote unquote getting a result, she actually was trying to fix me up with one of her friends.

So even when an approach doesn't lead to a date or a phone number, do it right,

especially when you're feeling confident and you meet a confident woman, they're flattered, they're appreciative, and you never know.

You might even end up with a woman who becomes a wing woman for you or might set you up with her friend if she's not available.

And even if that doesn't happen, then you still are going to feel really good about what you did.

So I'm glad I wanted to share those stories with you.

I wanted to remind you that it is so not creepy to approach a woman.

Again, it's creepy to want to do it, but not do it, or it's creepy to hide your intentions.

It's creepy to see a woman at the grocery store, follow her around for five minutes,

and look at her and stare, and then then half-heartedly whisper,

oh, I see you like Kale.

That's kind of creepy, or at least it reads as creepy.

But what's not creepy is you walk up.

And here's the, here's a huge, huge secret.

Oh, let me get, let me give you the aha moment, this big secret that I want to share with you.

Here's the big secret about approaching and what to say.

You're probably, what's holding you back in part is, I don't know what to say.

I don't know what to say.

What do I say, Connell?

What What do I say when I walk up to that woman?

And the truth is, it doesn't really matter what you say.

It's not that important what you say.

What's important is that you commit to the approach, that you stand there like you belong there,

and that you stand there like you know, not only is there nothing creepy about you, you are a great guy.

with a lot to offer and you're doing something socially acceptable.

Now, it's a little bit more rare now approaching a woman than it was 25, 20, 25, 30 years ago before the Tinder era, but it's still very normal.

It's okay.

You're allowed.

Remember what Ashley told me and you.

You can come talk to us.

We like it.

Okay?

So anyway, what stops you from doing it, other than the fear of coming off as creepy is telling yourself i don't know what to say the bottom line is what you say doesn't matter as much as committing to what to say, committing to the approach.

Go all the way.

When I say commitment, I mean your voice, good eye contact, maybe a nice little smile on your face.

And you, as much as you can project this, even with nerves, project a sense of worthiness.

You belong there.

It is okay for you to talk to her.

There is nothing wrong with it.

Women aren't usually going to remember the exact words you say.

I,

different

Whole Foods.

Many years ago, I approached a woman at Whole Foods on a very cold January day.

I remember it was cold because she was wearing this fleece, stylish fleece jacket with like a hood up.

And I looked at her and I thought, oh my gosh, I have the best opening line.

This is going to be so good.

I walked over to her.

And I said, hey, you look like the cover of the J.

Crew Winter Catalog.

And I thought that was pretty good.

And she smiled and lit up, and we started chatting.

We talked for a few minutes about the Christmas holidays had just come and gone.

It was New Year's, it just happened.

We talked about, hey, how was your holiday?

What did you do for New Year's?

Did you make any resolutions?

We talked for five or ten minutes standing right there in the frozen food section on Houston Street in Whole Foods, early January of whatever year this was.

Anyway, we talked for five or ten minutes and I get her number.

We go on a date a couple nights later.

and on the date we talk a little bit about

about how we met

and she said like i really like that you came up to me and i said oh what did you like most and i'll be honest with you i was trying to get a compliment i was i i wanted to hear something like oh you were so funny what you said was so good it was so witty and funny She said, oh, I think I said to her, was it what I said?

And she said, what did you say?

I forget.

She'd forgotten.

She'd forgotten my amazingly witty J.Crew catalog opener.

She was like, oh, no.

Oh, yeah, that was fine.

But here's what I really liked about you.

She said, you looked me right in the eye.

You stood up straight and you looked me right in the eye.

You stood up straight, you looked me right in the eye.

Essentially, she was saying.

You acted like it was okay to talk to me.

And it was.

I was trying to get a compliment.

I wanted her to say how funny and witty I was.

That was a big aha moment because I realized a good, funny, witty, clever opener is fine if you have one, but don't force it.

Don't not approach her because you don't have the perfect thing to say.

The truth is, there's no such thing as a perfect thing to say.

If you can't think of what to say, walk up to a woman and say, hi.

I can't think of what to say to you other than I wanted to meet you.

Say that.

Own it.

Lean into that vulnerability.

Or if you're not sure what to say, walk up and say, hi, I'm Name and I wanted to meet you.

That's honest.

It's the commitment that makes it work.

It's not the words.

Women probably are not going to remember the words that you use.

So there's no such thing as a magic line.

When men say to me, oh, Connell, I don't know what to say, what they're really saying is, I don't know what to say so that I won't get rejected and feel like I'm a creep who's bothering women.

But remember, what have we learned today?

Your approach anxiety is partially, if not entirely, caused by you fearing that what you're doing is creepy, but it's not.

Women want you to approach them.

If you do it right, do it with commitment.

and vulnerability and authenticity and really commit to it.

Committing to the approach is 10 times more important than what you say and how you say it.

I could give you the best opening line in the world.

I can give you a funny, witty opening line.

But if you deliver it with a timid voice and you're walking on eggshells and your hands are shaking, it's not going to work.

She's going to read all those nerves and all that tension and that's going to push her away.

But I could give you the most basic opener.

Hi, I just saw you and I had to meet you.

So basic, right?

And then just say your name.

That can work brilliantly because you're committing to it.

So don't let a perfect opener be the enemy of you even talking to women.

There's no such thing as a perfect opener.

There's no magic line.

There's no 100%

guaranteed positive reaction.

Come back to the basics.

Eye contact.

Nice voice.

You want your voice to be resonant and at least be as loud as everybody else's voice in that environment.

Nice little smile, genuine, and walk up and shoot your shot.

And no matter what happens, you're not going to go viral as the creepy guy.

You're not going to be bothering women.

My client, Jake, and I once went to a Whole Foods and he chatted up three or four women.

One or two went great.

One or two didn't go great in terms of the response.

And I said, Did you hear that?

He said, What?

They're not on the speaker

saying, stop approaching women.

You are making a mistake.

You are a social pariah.

Nobody came and busted him.

All he was doing is chatting up women in the ice cream section.

He got a phone number and he realized, hey, wait a minute, there's nothing to be afraid of.

So again, you're allowed to approach.

Women want you to.

Many of them do.

Most of them do, actually.

It's not creepy.

It's courageous.

This is you on your hero's journey.

Go out there.

Be a hero.

Be a man on a journey looking for love.

Giving women those rom-com movie moments and always, always do it with authenticity.

And I will end with this.

I'm about to take a little break from

coaching new clients here in New York City where I live.

And I coach men all over the world.

But if you would like to, I'm taking a break because I'm working on my second book.

My second book is all about flirting.

So I'm taking a few months off from taking on new clients.

If you would like to do a call with me,

sorry, if you're looking, if you're interested in learning about how dating coaching works, if you want help with approaching, if you're struggling with approach anxiety or you're just not sure how to flirt with women,

I still have a couple of

coaching availability for the next couple weeks.

So go to datingtransformation.com.

You can book a call with my team and book a call with me for free where we'll talk about how I can help you get some approaching results and get a great girlfriend.

Anyway, I won't be doing it for more than a couple more weeks.

So go to datingtransformation.com if you would like to book a free chat with me and we'll talk about how to get you, your approaching results.

Anyway, thank you so much for listening.

And don't forget, your dream girlfriend, she is out there and she's going to love you.

You just have to be the real you and she's going to have to meet the real authentic you.

Till next time.