Be Magnetic to Women as the Nice Guy You Are—By Doing ONE Thing

the movies, grand gestures seem to get you the girl.

But in real life,

they get you 60 to 90 days in counting.

Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast.

I'm your host, dating coach Connell Barrett.

I'm your dating coach, except I exist in podcast form.

I'm just a voice helping you to flirt with confidence, to get better at texting, to get more dates, and to get a great girlfriend, all by being authentic.

You know that by now, if you've ever listened, I am the authenticity guy.

You don't need pickup artist moves.

Women like you for you.

The best, most authentic you.

That's you at your most attractive.

And today I love doing episodes like this.

This is called Ask the Dating Coach.

I get a lot of questions from men like you.

I get them them on my email, Connell at datingtransformation.com on Instagram at dating transformation.

I get skywriters and planes spelling out questions using World War I engine planes and using the smoke behind them.

I get all kinds of questions in different ways.

So let's get to it.

I want to help you fix some of your common dating problems.

I'll bet you will resonate with some of these questions.

The first question comes from Terry, guy named Terry from Instagram.

Terry writes me, hey Connell, I'm a good guy who respects women.

I listen, I'm thoughtful, and I treat dates well.

But I've been single for over a year.

Meanwhile, my roommate is kind of a jerk to women, and he always has a girlfriend.

What am I doing wrong?

Is being respectful actually hurting my chances?

All right.

That's from Terry.

Sounds like Terry has a bad case of, am I being too nice?

Or he's not getting those results that his bad boy slash jerk roommate is.

Well, Terry, the problem is not that you're too nice.

The problem, probably, is that you're not leading.

A big issue that gets guys stuck in the friend zone, the thing that jerks and so-called bad boys do, is that they lead women.

You know, they plan the date.

They lead the conversation.

They're just natural born leaders.

And you might not yet be in the habit of learning how to lead.

And women love a man who leads.

Dating is a dance.

And our jobs as men is to lead that dance.

So imagine, Terry, imagine boarding a plane.

And you hear the pilot say, so where do you guys want to go?

Which buttons should I push?

What is this thingy do here?

Well,

total democratic, a totally democratic approach, yes, but that would instill zero confidence in you, right?

And that's what a lot of men fall into with women and dating is you might say, hey, what do you want to do?

Or you might not lead the conversation, or you might wait for 17 green lights before you flirt or go for some kind of move.

And women don't want a democracy.

You know, she wants a destination.

And

the same thing happens when you're texting.

You know, how are you?

What are you doing?

How is your weekend?

Whereas I want you to lead the conversation.

Tell her how your weekend was.

Tell her the highlight of your amazing life.

Let her know that you are a man with fun, interesting things happening, I hope.

And so the thing about women and why they reject guys, quote-unquote, nice guys, is women don't reject you because you're being respectful.

There is nothing wrong with being respectful.

You want to be respectful.

I'm a kind, nice, respectful guy.

But women lose interest if you're not leading.

If you're not leading the conversation, not leading the date, not leading that flirtatious dance.

Now, let me bust a little myth for you.

The myth is that a lot of guys think women only want jerks and bad boys, not nice guys.

But that is total garbage.

There's a poll from Glamour Magazine.

This is in my book, by the way.

A poll from Glamour Magazine actually asked women what kind of man you want to date and end up with.

And in that poll, women chose, quote, loyal and lovable men as the category of men they most want to date.

That was the number one answer.

33% of women said, I want a guy who is, quote, loyal and lovable.

Do you know what finished second to last at 6%?

Bad boys.

So women are looking for kind, good guys like you and me, not bad boys, not jerks.

Now, I had to learn this lesson the hard way, by the way.

I'm a nice guy, raised by nice parents in a nice Ohio town.

I volunteer with blind people.

My girlfriend and I volunteer at Thanksgiving.

I say please and thank you.

I literally help little old ladies cross the street sometimes.

And for years, I thought that being nice was my problem.

And then one night, I remember I met this gorgeous, smart, wonderful, stylish Maxim model.

a total 10 inside and out, beautiful, obviously, but also just a beautiful person.

And she was kind of complaining about jerks, bad boys.

And she said, basically, I'm so sick of arrogant guys, selfish guys.

I would love to meet a nice guy, but they never approach me.

I guess they're intimidated, she said.

And then she said, nice guys are sexier than six-pack abs, as long as they have a backbone.

Nice guys are sexier than six-pack abs.

That quote still blows me away.

And this is from a Maxim cover model named Julie.

now notice that she mentioned the key word here nice guy sexy but also backbone in other words strength some confidence and some steel that you believe in yourself

she didn't say washboard abs she didn't say trust fun she said backbone and the nice thing about backbones is they're free and they come standard with most most skeletons So that's good news.

You already have one, Terry.

You just need to use it.

You need to lead, show that backbone, show that leadership that women like.

So, when nice guys strike out with women, it's not because of the niceness, it's because they don't convey the strength and the certainty and the confidence that women really respond to.

So, you don't need to wear some

assholier than thou mask.

You need to be a nice guy with steely self-confidence.

And

I can't state that enough.

Nice, kind women love that, but it has to be complemented with steel, leadership, certainty in yourself.

So, yeah, confidence has to come with kindness.

Confidence without kindness, you're just a bro with a podcast.

What you need is both, okay?

So, what your roommate's doing and that you're not doing, Terry, very likely he's just leading.

He's decisive.

He doesn't ask women permission for the things he says and does.

He probably is just a guy who goes for it.

So, here's your move.

You want to be a man with a plan.

Be a man with a plan.

That's the fastest way for you to start showing that leadership.

Women love a leader.

Women love a plan.

So when you ask a woman out, pick a place that she'll love.

Have a second spot in mind you might go to for that second date.

When you see a woman you want to approach, don't wait for 17 green lights.

Walk up and do it.

Lead.

Don't wait for her to hold a sign up saying, horny for guys named Terry.

She'll never approach.

I'm sorry, you'll never approach.

So lead, lead, lead, lead.

Dating is a dance.

Your job is to lead the dating dance.

You approach, you lead, women follow.

On the date, you make the moves.

You flirt.

You tell her she's sexy.

You tease and joke.

You ask her out.

You lead.

Women love a man with a plan.

And if you have a real strong plan for how you lead, how you flirt, for making those moves, and you have a lot of certainty in yourself, You can date like a bad boy,

but while being a good guy, the best of both worlds.

You can be that guy who Julie the Maxim cover model wants.

A kind, nice guy, but with backbone.

That's the dream.

That is 10 times more attractive to women than quote-unquote asshole or jerk.

So yeah, great news, bro.

You do not need to become your roommate.

Don't be some jerk.

Don't try to be some alpha male mask phony version of yourself.

I tried that.

It doesn't work.

It's like an ill-fitting ill-fitting suit.

You just need to have some backbone.

Add some backbone to your niceness.

So keep treating women with respect.

Keep being thoughtful.

Keep being a sweetheart, but don't seek approval.

Don't wait for 17 green lights to make a move or to ask a woman out or to try something.

Just be a leader.

Be a leader.

Women stick around for guys like that, especially when you combine respect for women with backbone and steel.

That's what women want.

Okay, next question.

I have a little surprise here for you guys.

Next question comes from a woman.

I got a question from a woman, but it

has a lot of relevance for you listening if you were a man.

So this comes from Valerie.

Valerie asked me this question.

Hey, Connell, last week a finance guy from Hinge invited me on a date and I accepted.

He pulls up in a silver Mercedes.

We went to an Italian place for wine and Tiramisu and he paid with his black Amex.

The next morning, I got a Venmo request for $48.67

with a note that said, quote, dinner, your half.

As a woman, I think the man should pay for the first date.

Should I pay him for my share or should I just ghost him?

All right, Valerie.

Okay, so he handed over his black Amex like a boss and then Venmoed you like roommates sharing a Papa John's.

Cheap move.

Here's what I think you you should do.

Pay him back with a check, a reality check.

See what I did there?

So Venmo him exactly two cents, two pennies.

Venmo him exactly 0.02

and add this note.

Here's my two cents.

The person who does the inviting should pay, especially when they drive a Mercedes.

Good luck with your dating search.

And then you can move on from there.

Block him if you want to.

Totally up to you.

So sure, you could just ghost him.

Valerie, if you're listening, but silence teaches a guy nothing.

And I think a witty, well-intentioned reply would actually help him, make him more generous for the next woman and save the next woman from an itemized Tiramisu.

Bottom line is he showed you very cheap behavior.

And here's what men need to understand.

How you handle money around your date reveals your character.

So a generous gesture, or even a modestly generous one, signals thoughtfulness.

But this guy nickel and dimed Valerie.

And that kind of nickel and diming signals insecurity and scarcity and cheapness.

So if you take somebody, if you take a woman to a nice Italian spot and then you Venmo request her the next morning, that's not.

being modern.

It's not equitable.

It comes off as cheap, passive aggressive, perhaps.

So here's the the rule I give all my coaching clients.

The person who initiates the date should pay, period.

Whoever asks pays.

It's not about gender.

It's about effort.

It's about generosity.

And it's about showing that you value getting to know somebody.

Now, I'm a little bit old school here.

I've been dating for a long time.

I mean, I'm not dating.

I have a girlfriend.

But I got into this world of learning about dating.

proactively figuring out what works with women exactly 20 years ago.

And one thing that has not changed for me and with what I advise my clients is I typically say, hey, the man's going to ask.

And then if you ask for that first date, then you should treat.

So I'm a big fan of treating a woman on a first date.

So that's the mistake Mr.

Black MX card

made.

Anyway, so Valerie, send your two cents to him.

And let him learn a real lesson.

I love the snarky idea of sending him literally two cents by Venmo.

I I wonder if he'll take it.

I wonder if he'll cash it in.

So, yeah, but the nice thing is you're able to give him a perhaps painful or at least

sharp but valuable lesson.

We all need lessons.

There's nothing wrong with learning a lesson, and this gentleman certainly needs to.

Oh, and by the way, here's a bonus tip for Valerie.

or any woman listening.

Never date a man who doesn't round up from $48.67.

He probably expenses his Tic Tacs.

Okay, let's take another couple questions.

Oh, here's one from somebody from my hometown.

This comes from a guy in Toledo.

He signs it tryhard in Toledo, which is awesome.

I grew up in Ohio.

I was raised in Toledo or the Toledo area.

TryHard in Toledo writes, I went on a first date last week with a wonderful woman from Bumble.

I brought her a dozen red roses.

told her she's beautiful, and the next day I texted her a romantic poem about how wonderful she is

but she's gone quiet i thought women wanted a romantic guy who shows effort what did i do wrong

try hard in toledo all right well grand gestures like poems and roses those things might work in rom-coms but in real life they they make a guy seem needy at best and and creepy at worst And believe me, I speak from experience.

I've made all the mistakes a guy can make, including coming off as a desperate, desperate dude.

Here's a true story that I shudder to admit, but it's in my book, so why not?

I once flew 3,000 miles to surprise a woman I'd never met,

showing up at her doorstep with the gift of flowers, Victoria's secret lingerie, and

I cringe as I type these words: a dildo mold kit in the shape of my manhood.

Yeah, back in the day, I was was uh quite the catch so here's what happened i was lonely i had watched way too many rom-com movies and in the movies grand gestures seem to get you the girl but in real life

they get you 60 to 90 days in county probably

her name is um i'll call her veronica veronica lived in san francisco I lived in New York.

I still do.

We'd never met in person, but we had an online texting, flirting relationship.

And she once mentioned that using a do-it-yourself dildo mold kit could be fun someday.

Those were the words she said.

Oh, that could be fun someday.

So

I did what any cool, confident, totally chill guy

who hadn't had a date in 27 months would do.

I bought an airplane ticket.

I flew across country to surprise her with a mold of my member.

That's true.

Can you imagine the TSA guy staring at the x-ray of my bag going through the x-ray machine, seeing the dildo in the bag and thinking, this is not romance, this is evidence.

So anyway, I go to San Francisco.

I drop everything on Veronica's doorstep.

Then I go to the hotel.

I rented a fancy suite.

I'm in the hotel waiting for her excited text message or phone call because I thought I was ready to have my weekend of romance, sexathon, torrid romance at long last.

Veronica and Connell, not her real name, by the way, Veronica and Connell were finally getting together.

I waited and I waited.

Two days, radio silence.

I never heard from her that weekend.

About a week later, she came up with a story about her dad being in the hospital.

Total bullshit.

She basically

said, Whoa, my creepy guy alarm's going off.

No way.

And rightfully so.

So in my mind, I was Lloyd Dobbler from Say Anything,

you know, except replace the boombox with a dildo.

I was holding up a big dildo outside of her house, basically.

I thought I was the romantic lead in the story.

She basically thought I was Joe from you, the show you.

So anyway, Mr.

Tryhard and Toledo, women like it when a guy makes his intentions clear.

Yes, it's good to show your intentions, but they don't like it when a guy seems ready to propose

after two vodka sodas and some calamari, because that reads as desperation.

Showing a woman, giving gifts, grand gestures, trying too hard too soon, that just sends all the wrong messages.

It sends a message of desperation.

So after a good first date, yes, be direct.

Be sincere.

Be authentic.

Say, hey, I had a great time.

I would love to see you again.

That's clear.

It's confident.

That's more than enough.

The thing about big gestures is they don't read as romantic.

They read as try hard and desperate.

Basically, when you send roses or poetry or a dildo

mold,

those big gestures say, I must win you over because I'm not enough.

Women do not want that.

That's repellent to women.

But you are enough, try hard and Toledo, I believe, even though I don't know you.

I believe you are enough.

I really do.

And real confidence isn't about doing more to win a woman over.

It's about being authentic and knowing your worth and knowing that you are enough for lots of women the way you are.

So wait until you are truly falling for each other before you start to give lavish gifts.

Not date number one, more like date 21.

Okay?

But let me put this in the form of a poem.

Since you are a romantic poet, here's a little poem I wrote for you.

No more roses.

Leave rhymes to the bard.

Lest girls ghost you for trying too hard.

That's my advice, the thing you should know.

Take it from the guy who gifted a dildo.

Anyway, okay.

One last super, super quick question.

This just came over to me from Instagram.

Hey, Connell, a woman told me she wants a guy who's spontaneous, but I'm a big planner.

I make itineraries for vacations.

I have every meal, every workout, every meeting mapped out two weeks in advance.

How do I become spontaneous?

He didn't sign his name.

Okay, Mr.

Man with a plan.

Being spontaneous is easy.

Just practice spontaneousness every other Thursday from 7.15.

to 8.50 p.m.

That's how you practice being spontaneous.

That and take an improv class.

The best thing in the world a guy can do to get really good at dating, in my opinion, is to hire an amazing coach, HintHint, good at datingtransformation.com, to book a free call with me.

The second best thing a guy can do to transform his dating results, take an improv class, or at least take improv classes, or at least try one.

Improv makes you spontaneous.

Well, it makes you, it makes you present.

You can't plan all the things out you're going to be saying and doing.

You have to be in the present moment to do fun, good improv.

So I recommend everybody takes an improv class at least once to see if you like it.

And most cities who have improv schools offer these things called drop-ins, where you literally just go for one day, 10, 20, 30 bucks, no big commitment.

Take a drop-in class, see if you like improv.

It's a great way to become more spontaneous and in the moment.

All right.

Thank you so much for listening.

Again, go to datingtransformation.com for a lot more tips, a lot more advice to read my dating advice column or to book a free call with me to find out if dating coaching is right for you.

Datingtransformation.com.

And if you'll excuse me, I got to go.

I got to

get

another dildo made.

I'm running late.

Later.