Introducing The 6 Icks: A New Dating Framework to Never Be Creepy—and Always Flirt with Charm

The very fact that you worry about bothering women and not creeping women out,

that shows that you're not a creep. It shows that you like women, you respect women, you have empathy, you have integrity.

You know who worries about creeping women out?

Actual creeps.

Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach Connell Barrett.
I'm an author. I'm a dating coach.

I am a columnist for askmen.com, and I basically am the real-life hitch.

I'm here to help you confidently flirt with women, approach with charm, class, and no sketchy, weird, creepy pickup artist moves.

And I am so proud and excited about today's episode because after listening to this episode, you're going to know exactly how to never

creep a woman out or

make her feel like you're weird.

I've been coaching now 14 years.

I've been working on my dating life and studying men's dating success with women for 20 years. It was 2005 when I first started actively working on my dating life.

And there are two or three core frustrations I hear more than anything else. And right up at the top of the list is Connell.
I don't want to bother women. I just don't want to come off as creepy.

And this is what keeps you from approaching. It's what keeps you from asking out your crush.

It's what might keep you from making a move on a date, going for that kiss, going for the handhold, because you don't want to do it wrong. You don't want to get in trouble.

You just don't want to make a woman feel creepy, that you're creepy. Today I'm going to give you a framework that i'm really excited about i call it the six icks

as in giving women the ick the six icks i c k s

and

by the end of this episode you're going to know how not to ever creep a woman out so that you know exactly what you should do and the cool thing about learning these six icks These six ways that some men come off as creepy and give women the ick.

Once you understand what they are, you can make sure that you never do any of them. And you might be excited to learn that you're probably not going to do most of these anyway.

And you'll have a sense of freedom and confidence in making moves, flirting, approaching, and doing what you want to do.

So, before I lay out the six icks for you, I'm going to talk about this by answering a question that I got from

a listener. This comes from a gentleman who is a firefighter.
He's a firefighter in Texas. I will not use his name, but I'll read you the question and then I will give you my answer.

And I think this will really resonate with you. Hey, Connell,

I'm a firefighter and I have literally run into burning buildings without giving it a thought. But with women, I always freeze up.
I don't want to bother them.

I don't want to be quote unquote that creepy guy.

And I can't even take a woman's hand on a date. And it's almost impossible for me to be in a coffee shop and say hello to an attractive woman.
I feel stuck.

I'm just so afraid of being creepy or bothering women. Any advice? And this comes from fighting fire and fear.

Okay, fighting fire and fear. Here's a story for you.
So long before I was a dating coach,

I was out approaching women, having just started to learn the art of meeting and talking to women.

And I was at a rooftop lounge here in New York City one night, and I spotted a stylish woman sitting at a table with some friends.

She was with a female friend and a big muscular guy, big muscly looking guy in a t-shirt. And my wingman said, go over there, approach that table.
And I was like, no way.

I'm going to be this weirdo, this creep. who's interrupting them.
Plus,

the boyfriend's probably going to want to kick my butt. But my wingman and I had a deal.
I had to approach whoever he told me to. He had to approach whoever I told him to.
So I really had no choice.

So I walk over, I sit down, I grab an empty chair, and I say, hello. I said, hi, what's up? I'm Connell.
You seem friendly. That's exactly what I said.
You seem friendly.

And the really cute brunette, who was the one I was attracted to,

think Winona Ryder, think

young Winona Ryder minus the shoplifting issues.

Her eyes get wide. She leans forward and she says, oh my God, you just came right up to us and talked to us.
Do you know what you are? And I thought to myself,

a creep who's bothering you and who's about to get his butt kicked by your big burly boyfriend. But I kept my cool.
I said, what? What am I? And she said, you're normal.

I felt so much relief when she said that. And then she tilted her head toward another guy sitting nearby, a fellow ginger, by the way.

And she says, see that guy over there? He's been staring at us all night and it's creeping us out because it was her, it was her pretty blonde friend and this dude.

And so this guy had been staring at the women all night.

Now,

I ended up leaving the lounge with her phone number, but I also left with a really powerful lesson, which is that it's not creepy to take a chance.

What's creepy is wanting to take a chance, but doing nothing and just timidly staring at a woman instead. That reads is way creepier to women than actually approaching and shooting your shot.

And that's the paradox here that I want to give Fighting Fire, the fireman who wrote this letter, but also you, my podcast listener. The paradox here is that

you might think that saying hello is risky. No, what's risky is being a firefighter and carrying a hose into a burning house.
Saying hello is just saying hello.

And

that's the paradox that I discovered early in my dating journey is that the things that you think are risky, like taking a woman's hand on a date, saying hi at a coffee shop

they're actually normal.

What's creepy is when you hover, you stare, or just radiating uncertainty.

And if a woman's in your presence, she feels that uncertainty and she has no idea what to do with that because all of a sudden she's dealing with all your emotional baggage.

That's what makes a woman feel quote unquote creeped out. Oh, by the way, the guy, the big burly, muscular guy, he was not either of their boyfriends.
He was just a dude.

He was actually really cool and he was friendly, no issues. And I got the cute brunette's number.
I never actually met her. I never had a date with her.
I forget why.

Probably just kind of fell through the cracks. But man, I never forgot the lesson.

And it's your fear of being that guy, that creepy guy who bothers women. This fear is more widespread than ever.
I hear it constantly from my clients. They watch TikTok.

They watch Instagram videos about quote-unquote creepy encounters. You know, men who approach and bother women at the gym or the grocery store or women who are walking on the sidewalk.

And nearly every clip reinforces the same message, which is basically any initiation is a violation.

And so a lot of men now treat these normal social gestures like a hello at a coffee shop or a how's your night? What are you drinking at a bar?

These are now treated like potential crime scenes in the mind of men, many men anyway. So no wonder you freeze.
No wonder you freeze. No wonder you feel afraid to be creepy.
I get it.

I really do get it. If you scroll enough on TikTok, you're going to feel like eye contact at Whole Foods is a felony.
It's not. You're allowed to talk to women.
It's okay.

So, what's the difference between

making an acceptable move and being creepy? Well, I think it comes down to attunement.

A flirty move, a flirty romantic risk is you, a guy, showing romantic interest in a light way while also reading a woman's response.

Now, if she likes it, if that woman likes the move you just made, you can keep going. You're good.

Just like the cute brunette liked that I came over and approached. I kept going.
And if she doesn't like it, ease off, back off, back away, depending on the situation, recalibrate, basically.

What's creepy is behavior that's miscalibrated. It shows miscalibrated interest

while you're ignoring her signals or kind of turning a blind eye to her signals. Or creepy, it can just be pushing when she's clearly not interested.

Now, that's obliviousness, it's not boldness, that's obliviousness. So, please keep this in mind.
What creeps a woman out is not initiative, it's when a guy hovers, pushes, ignores signals.

That's creepy. Women generally, generally, vast majority of women don't complain about clear calibrated moves.

They complain about moves made with zero attunement to how she's feeling or just socially weird moves.

And what happens is this creates a problem for good guys, much like you, the listener. You're probably worried.
You're probably so worried about crossing a line that you freeze.

Meanwhile, self-centered guys,

guys who lack empathy, these are the guys who actually creep women out, but they're not even worried about it because they're not good-hearted men like you.

And so

recently, the topic of creepiness, this question I hear so often from men, my clients, guys who reach out for advice, the very topic of creepiness made me ask a question. And the question is,

what behaviors genuinely creep women out?

What the heck gives women the ick?

And now 20 years of studying dating and plus hearing from hundreds of women describe their experiences to me, both back when I was single and dating, many of them, but also just meeting people and meeting women.

I found the list of six categories of creepy behaviors surprisingly short because every, pretty much every creepy behavior, actually creepy behavior, falls into one of six categories.

And I call them the six icks,

the six things that give women the ick, or six categories of behavior that give women the ick. All you have to do is avoid these six pitfalls.

Avoid these pitfalls, and you are in the clear to take right action, calibrated, strategic chances, smart chances, and make the kinds of moves that women want you to make.

Think back to that night again, that approach I made.

That

young woman, once I spoke to her and she started talking to me, she wanted me there. She gave me her phone number.
She was so attracted to my behavior and appreciative that I was just being normal.

So I made a move, I took a calibrated chance, and it went great.

And

so here are the six icks. Here are the six things,

six categories of what not to do.

I should say the buckets. And then we'll break down each one.
And I'll give you a roadmap here on some right actions you can start take going forward. Okay, here are the six icks.

Number one, the sex object ick.

The sex object ick. Leading with sexual comments.
that reduce a woman to her body parts rather than seeing her as a person.

So this is the guy who walks up to a woman, looks at her chest, and oozes, you look good.

Like staring at her tits like he's judging a livestock at a county fair. That's the sex object ick.

Another example would be a woman I had a date with told me this. She on her bumble profile, a man texted her.
After a couple messages, he said, your lips look amazing.

I wonder what else you can do with those lips. Ew,

that's the sex object ick.

Ick number two, the too timid ick.

This is bringing hesitant, unsure energy to a date or to an approaching context instead of the calm certainty and confidence that women want. So for this one, think of that guy at the bar, maybe you,

who just stares but never says a word, making a woman feel watched.

Too timid.

I was too timid, guy, many times. I once had this crush on a girl who was the barista at my local Starbucks.
I was too timid to talk to her.

So I wrote her a little flirty love note, put it on my business card, and said, hey, text me if you want to meet up. She never did, because that kind of timidity gives women the ick.

I have a client named Ravi who's had these amazing changes, these amazing results lately. He's now approaching women like nothing, like butta.

And he told me about a cashier he used to have a crush on, and he just, he could never actually talk to her. He was too timid.
So he gave her like a

note saying, I like you. Do you like me? She didn't like him because he was too timid.
Number three, the me first ick.

The me first ick, what is that? Well, this is when you focus on what you want

rather than what she wants. Rather than giving her what she wants, you focus so much on what you want that you make it all about you.

So you focus on you getting the validation you want or the attention you want or the sex you want instead of giving in a more win-win way together to her and to you.

So this is the guy who's only focused on getting a woman into bed.

who treats the interaction like a transaction.

I dabbled in this ick back in the day, not intentionally, but when I was working with coaches, a couple of them were these kind of old school pickup guys, and they taught me some badass stuff.

They also made it way too much about sex and getting a woman into bed. So I definitely had the me first ick myself back in the day.

Number four is the try-hard ick.

What is the try-hard ick?

That's working desperately to impress a woman with false confidence, fake niceness, bragging, instead of just showing up as your real grounded self, being authentic, trying too hard

and

working desperately to try to get her to like you. So for this one, the try-hard ick, think about the guy who brags about his Mercedes, about his status.
about his second house in Miami.

He's very shallowly trying to impress.

I was the tryhard ick a few times, many times back in the day. I remember on a first date, I told this woman, oh, yeah,

I'm taking pilot lessons.

I swim with sharks. I was putting on this front, trying to impress her.
Total bullshit, total lies. But I was just trying to, I just thought I was not enough.
So I had to try hard.

She did not go for me that night. at all.
She actually ended up flipping and I dated her later once I became really authentic and more confident in myself.

Number five, the fifth of the six icks, the signal blind ick, signal blind, being blind to signals, basically not reading the room, missing or ignoring social cues like her vibe, her body language, the social context, and also escalating when the time is clearly not right.

This is a big one.

This is the guy who just can't read the room, who leaves his hand on her thigh because he saw some reel on TikTok from some idiot who doesn't know jack shit about dating, who just says,

break the touch barrier with every woman.

And

that doesn't work with every woman. But the guy is blind to a woman's signals, so he just puts his hand on her knee or leg.

I had a, I don't think I actually coached this guy, but I once had a consultation with a guy who

said that he just put his hand on a woman's thigh for like five minutes, and finally she just walked up and left because she felt so uncomfortable, she was recoiling.

So, being blind to signals can do that.

I have a former client named Jay.

I remember Jay showed me, showed me the signal blind ick by text.

He had a date lined up with a woman, and the date was set, it was on each other's calendars. Job done,

and

he made a sexual joke.

So he basically

actually did the fourth and the fifth ick back to back. So he made a sexual joke.
She had sent a photo of her cat.

And he said, oh my God, your cat looks so cute. I can't wait to,

when I meet your cat at your place, I can't wait to scratch his tummy. And then she said, Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy.

You know, we haven't even met yet. Let's hold off on you talking about coming over.
So she was not feeling comfortable. She was signaling to him because

he tried, because he

tried too hard,

the fourth ick.

She pushed back and said, whoa, whoa, whoa, chill out, dude. Let's see how our date goes.

And instead of giving her what she wanted, which was

a nice light apology. Oh, sorry.
I was just kidding. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable.
I was just kidding. Sorry about that.

That would have band-aided over the issue and it would have been fine. Instead,

he kept going with

the cocky,

flirty shtick.

And he wrote something like,

you know, you're really cute when you're angry.

Just more game, more bullshit shtick game. Now, Now, he was trying his best.
I have no judgment of Jay. I just mean this is an example of the signal blind ick getting in the way.

So he hits her back with this cheeky, cocky line instead of the vulnerable, genuine apology that she wanted. And she wrote back and she said, you know what? I'm canceling our date.

I don't feel comfortable. Basically, he was not reading the room.
He gave her the signal blind ick.

Okay. And number six, the sixth ick, the agenda ick.

What is the agenda ick?

It's using manipulative, high-pressure, quote-unquote seduction tactics that basically ignore a woman's boundaries and that sort of desperately steer the interaction toward an outcome that she's not even comfortable with.

So think of the pickup guy. who just sees women as these pretty pawns and a game of seduction chess, right?

Or the guy who like pressures her for, oh, come back, one quick drink at my place. Come on, one quick drink and I'll kick you right out.
Even though she's already said, I have an early morning.

I can't do it.

So this is the guy with that agenda, but a manipulative agenda, right?

Now that's probably not you, but that's definitely some men out there. So those are the six icks.
And I'll run through them really quick in 10 seconds or less. Number one, the sex object ick.

Number two, the too timid ick. Number three, the me first ick.
Number four, the try-hard ick. Number five, the signal blind ick.

And number six, the agenda, the hidden agenda ick.

So

here's the good news, though.

Most of these icks, you're probably not committing them, at least not for very long. Now, the long, timid stares,

that one is probably something. If you want to approach women, but you never do it, you probably do that.
You might be too timid on dates,

but

you're probably not committing most of these icks. I don't think you have an agenda.
I don't think you treat women as sex objects. I think you're probably too timid at times.

You

number three, the me first ick, I'll bet you commit that one. Not in any sort of,

you know,

malignant way, more just because your me first ick can be as simple as being so focused on a woman liking you and how it goes to make you feel validated that you forget to make it a win-win.

That can show up. I think you probably might have some single, some guys like you might have the single, sorry, the signal blind ick.
And I don't think you're much of an agenda.

Most guys who listen to my podcast or who resonate with my coaching are not going to commit all of these. And this is good news because

really

it's the men who

guys like you and me who are good, solid, solid dudes, gentlemen, we're not committing most of these icks.

And notice what's not on the list, by the way. Notice what's not here.
approaching a woman and saying hello in a coffee shop, not one of the six icks.

Chatting up a woman at the bar, having a social fun conversation, going for a kiss on the first date at a reasonably calibrated time. That is what you can and should do.

Going for a handhold, can and should do that on a date. So the point of this list is actually for you to realize, wow, I have a lot more freedom.
to make moves, to flirt, to take some chances.

That's what I hope you'll take away from this podcast, among other things, is that actually you're not going to be giving women these icky, creepy feelings as long as you understand where the line is and you stay on the right side of it.

And the very fact that you worry about bothering women and not creeping women out,

that shows that you're not a creep. It shows that you like women, you respect women, you have empathy, you have integrity.
You know who worries about creeping women out?

Actual creeps. So good on you for even asking this question.
Good on you.

So now that you're armed with what I call the six X,

I want you to feel a lot more certainty and confidence in making the kinds of moves that women do like.

You know? So instead of treating a woman like a sex object,

which I don't think you probably do, but if you ever have, no judgment from me.

Instead of that,

find out what makes a woman interesting and charming beyond her looks.

One of my favorite ways to do this on a date or a few minutes into an approach conversation is I call out something specific about one of her traits that I really like.

I tell her that her intelligence, her wit, her humor is so charming, so impressive.

And

this makes her, while every other guy is fawning over her curves, her chest,

her lips, her beauty, you're that rare guy who's saying, you know, what's really special and sexy about you? You're so present. You have such a great energy and you're funny.

Oh my God, women are dying for a guy to say that to her and to mean it.

Or instead of that second ick, being too timid, instead of yielding to being timid, fully commit to that approach. Whatever move you make, make it with full commitment.

A crystal clear, hey, I had to meet you. You're adorable,

is

way less creepy and way more welcomed from women than staring at her across the bar for 20 minutes,

just like that woman told me about many years ago.

Instead of making it about what you want, focus on creating a win-win vibe that makes it a win for both both you and her so that you and she can both enjoy it. That was a big game changer for me.

One of the big improvements I saw in my dating game on first dates was when I stopped making it about me and I started making it about how can I give her a great night with a good guy?

How can I make her smile? How can I make her feel sexy? How can I make her feel seen and heard while channeling all of that through my authentic self?

I let go of making it about me and made it about her, not supplicating or changing who I am or kissing her butt, but putting the focus on giving her a great experience.

Because if you're that rare guy who's giving her a great experience, oh my God, she's going to ask you out for a second date.

Or instead of trying really hard to be impressive,

by trying to say witty, funny things all the time or trying to impress her with your achievements, be expressive, not impressive. Be vulnerable.

Say the thing that is true and might not put you in a great light. But because you're vulnerable in talking about it, that can be really impressive to women because you're not trying to impress her.

For example,

I loved talking about my, I used to be fat. I was a chubby kid.

My name is Connell Barrett.

Eric Sundermeyer, in when I was in school, named me corn oil bear fat.

Kids are mean.

So there were a lot of dates where I talked about being a chubby, insecure little boy.

Now most guys are talking about, yeah, I hit the gym five days a week. I run marathons.
I would talk on dates about being a fat little kid who got made fun of and who never had a date in high school.

And that kind of vulnerability is attractive to women.

I wasn't doing it so much as a move, even though it became a good move. I was just doing it because it was honest and real.

The fifth ick,

signal blind, right? Well, instead of being blind to her cues, read her cues, really be present with women. Try to notice

if she opens up, if she reciprocates some interest,

then you can move forward.

You can take a little bit more of a chance. If she closes off, adjust accordingly.

Women are going to tell you on a date or during the dating process. She's going to tell you how she's feeling with you.

And the right thing to say or do is going to come out of the moment when you're being really present and watching and reading her cues to the best of your ability.

Right?

So if she closes off, you can ease back or maybe try to spike the punch a a little bit.

I was on a date once with a beautiful, beautiful woman named Laura. Sorry, Lauren, Lauren.
And

I kind of knew she liked me, but I could also tell that there was still a little block. And so I remember on the date, she crossed her arms.
Her arms were crossed and she looked really closed off.

And so I just, I said, hey, I'm going to sit like you. And I mirrored her pose.
Okay, here we go. Now let's have this date with our arms closed off like this.
I was just teasing her.

And she laughed and realized she looked all closed off. I don't think she was closed off.
I think her body language was just conveying that. But

I worked with what she gave me and I tried to spike the punch and make it fun. And it turned into a really good date.
We ended up dating for a while. And number six, instead of pushing your agenda,

think of it as a dance, a two-person dance. Lead that dance while always, to the best of your ability, noticing how she's feeling with you, right?

I don't think that you push your agenda in any kind of like toxic, malignant way, like some guys do, but

it can be easy to get so focused on strategy in dating and because there's so much content to consume. that you forget that, hey, dating is not a strategy.
It's not you versus her.

It's not you getting what you want. It's a dance.
And women want you to lead that dance.

So

to my letter writer, the firefighter in Texas, but also to you, my listener,

you're a firefighter. Your job has real risks.
You know, I don't know much about firefighting, but backdrafts, weak floors, hidden heat pockets.

got you know all kinds of other dangers and as a firefighter you ignore i'm sorry you avoid those things and you do it with skill and calm. And then you do your job.

You just go into that building and do your job, but you avoid those dangers. Now, dating is not life or death, obviously.
But there's a similar principle here. There are hazards.

And there are six hazards. The six iks are the six primary hazards.
that you want to avoid. And that once you know what they are, they're fairly simple to avoid.

And when you don't avoid them, them, when you

fall into some pitfalls, make some mistakes, just like I did, I committed,

I don't think I ever really treated women like a sex object.

Number one, the sex object ick. But the other five, definitely, definitely.

And so I made mistakes in all these areas. So even if you make a mistake, don't beat yourself up.

It's okay to make moves, take chances, know the hazards, avoid them, and then move forward with confidence. So, fighting fire and fear in Texas, good sir, you run into burning buildings already.

You're already doing such courageous, heroic things. Taking her hand,

saying hello at the coffee shop, that's the easy part. That's the easy part.

Okay, those are the six icks. I think I'm going to return to this topic.
I really am excited about how this framework for avoiding creepiness, I'm excited about how it can help you

not just know what not to do, but maybe just as importantly, feel empowered and freer to know what you can do. Again, here's what's not on this list.
Here's what is not an ick.

It is not an ick to chat up a woman in the grocery store. in a light G-rated way.
That's not an ick. That's attractive.

It is not an ick or creepy to go for a first kiss on a first date at some point if you think it's gone reasonably well. That's what you're supposed to do.
It is not an ick.

It is not creepy to double text or triple text if the text messages you're sending are trying to give her value. You're trying to be generous and give, not just make it a me first thing.

So those are the six icks. I'm going to talk more about these both on social media.
I'm going to do a YouTube video about this and maybe revisit it here on the podcast.

In the meantime, tell me what you think about this. Do you have any questions? Do you need any help?

Do you want to talk about creepy things that you want to make sure you avoid? Is there anything I missed? Do you think I missed anything? Do me a favor, shoot me an email.

Connell at datingtransformation.com. I check my email

a few times a week. I'm terrible with email.
I'm online on phone, my phone more often, but I do check my email. So email Connell at datingtransformation.com.

If you have any questions about how to avoid being creepy in the 6X, and don't forget, your dream girlfriend, she is out there and she is going to love you, but she's going to have to meet the real, most authentic you.

Until next time.