Why You Freeze When You Want to Approach Beautiful Women—& How to Fix it NOW (Live Coaching with John!)

It was a not trying that bothered me.

It's like, what kind of a man am I? Are you ready to stop being the boy who doesn't approach and ready to start being the man who steps up? Absolutely. Yeah, let's do it.
Let's do it. Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast.
I'm your host, dating coach Conal Barrett. I'm here to help you flirt with confidence, approach beautiful women, and get a great girlfriend.
All by being authentic. Doing this with integrity and respect for women.
And no creepy pickup artist moves. today I have an actual coaching call that I did with my brand new client, John.

You are going to relate to John.

John is a nice guy, good man.

He's a Midwestern fellow, works in the IT software world, And he's a great guy.

His whole life is absolutely together.

He's smart, he's funny, he's super articulate,

as you're about to hear.

But he's got one area that he's really struggling with,

which is dating.

Specifically, he sees beautiful women all the time he would love to talk to, but he never does.

He just never talks to women.

And the reason for this is not that John is a coward or that he doesn't man up. And if you want to go talk to gorgeous, interesting, intriguing women day or night, but you don't do it, it's not because you're a failure.
It's not. it's that you have a couple of internal blocks.
You've got conflict. Either you're afraid that rejection will feel like you're just not good enough, or you're afraid that if you get rejected, if it doesn't go well, you're going to be seen as some sort of social weirdo creep.
You're doing something wrong. Or maybe there's a combination of both of those things.
Those are the two main causes of approaching anxiety, what's called approaching anxiety. Fearing that you're going to find out you're just not good enough, or fearing that she'll reject you and you'll just feel like a social weirdo is doing something strange.
Neither of those things are true, but boy, they really feel true. And they feel that way to John.
And these are strong forces. And you're so you're going to listen to John have a couple of really big breakthroughs.
I'm going to tell him exactly how to get confidently freely walking up to women. And he's already doing it.
He's already in the process of taking action. So I think you're going to enjoy this coaching episode.
And yeah, I've helped so many guys in this area. It's pretty powerful, these forces that stop us from approaching women.
I had a client who was a fireman, probably still is actually. He's a fireman out in the West.
And he came to me because I'll call him Juan. Juan wanted badly to go talk to women, but he couldn't do it.
So he could literally walk into a burning building and put his life on the line. He was once in a burning building, and he fell through the kitchen floor into the fire in the basement.
Thankfully, he was fine. He was not hurt.
But he can willfully walk into a burning building and not think about it. But he couldn't turn to the attractive woman standing up at the bar next to him and say hi.
That's how powerful these internal forces are that create conflict, anxiety, fear. But these are very fixable.
As you're about to hear from John, have his very first coaching session with me. And by the way, if you are looking or interested in figuring out, hey, what is dating coaching about? How does Connell do his thing? Is dating coaching right for me? In other words, if you would like to stop being too afraid to go approach women, or if you need help with flirting, or you just want help getting a great girlfriend, if you'd like to, you can go to my homepage, datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me.
And you and I will hop on the phone and we'll talk about how you can get a great girlfriend, how you can finally feel confident and comfortable enough to meet women out in the real world and get an incredible woman. So go to datingtransformation.com if you want to talk about this.
I do one-on-one personalized coaching and I don't have that many available coaching slots because I do one-on-one coaching. So if you're interested, go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me.
And if you're not, all good. Listen to John and myself right now and enjoy this coaching episode with John.
All right, John, I'm so glad to be chatting with you today, man. Happy Friday.
Let's do some dating coaching. What's on your mind? How can I help you, bro? Yeah, so the problem I've always had, first of all, thank you for meeting with me, of course.

I've always had this same problem pretty much since I was a teenager, really, has always been approaching. you know when I was just a quick

backstory, I was that little

shy nerdy kid

loved my anime

and You know, when I was just a quick, you know, backstory, you know, I was that little shy, nerdy kid, you know, loved my, you know, anime and Power Rangers and stuff and martial arts. And, you know, I was always when I was younger, I was very self-conscious about my interests and hobbies.
And it always felt like, you know, I wasn't the kind of guy who approaches women. You know, you know, you talk about a lot of your lower self.
You would, uh, think of a thousand different reasons why, you know, I wasn't good enough at that moment. Right.
And, um, you know, as you know, life progressed, as I got older, it became much more confident in myself. I started, I took up MMA and I absolutely love it as a sport.
And, um, it, I, my confidence just bloomed as I got older and, um, and I don't consider myself like that anymore. I really, you know, believe, you know, I'm the shit for lack of a better term.
But it is the one thing that never really went away is that is that fear of approaching almost feels like it's like a muscle that I never really exercised. You know, as I got older, especially, you know, in my college years, there were a couple approaches.
It kind of just felt like that's what we were supposed to do, for lack of a better term. My dorm was kind of wild, you know.
So we had, you know, a lot of stupid games between the guys and the girls. So there were a couple approaches here and there in college.
But for the most part, you know, I really gravitated towards online dating as I got older, just because Tinder and Hinge and all that, it took away the hard part for me. It took away the having to know if she's interested, to put myself out there.
Once we, you know, bing, once we match, I know already that, okay, there's at least some general interest. And that made things easier.
And so, but really all it did was make it a crutch. And so, you know, now that I'm older now, I'm in my 30s, you know, the relationship I thought would be my, you know, the final one, my bride-to-be, unfortunately didn't go that well.
So, you know, I'm back in the dating pool and I'm, you know, I don't really want to do the whole app thing anymore for various reasons. And, but as I mentioned, it feels like that approaching muscle is just not there.
And I still almost feel like I'm 14 again, trying to go up to a girl. Oh my gosh.
I know that feeling all too well i when was the last time you approached

a beautiful woman it would have been uh last year i mean it's beginning of the year so this would have been you know maybe i want to say last summer uh at a bar with my buddy and i was embarrassing so my buddy's

egging me on to say something to her

and

I just

I'm freezing and all of this. So I remember I actually went up to her and she were both waiting in line to get a drink.
I said, hey, what's that drink you have? And it was a white claw or something like that. I'm like, OK.
And so I was in front of her. I'm like, White Claw for me and her.

And so, oh, thanks.

And you're welcome.

And then I just sprint away.

Okay.

And that was the closest thing.

All right.

I know that all too well, that feeling of, okay,

let me get out of here while I still can, while I'm safe.

And all right. So the last time you approached a woman was last year.
In the last 30 days, how many wow girls have you seen and would have loved to have talked to? How many did you see? You know, quite a few. Ballpark number.
Let's say a 40. 40.
Okay.

So you're 0 for 40 in the last month. Yeah.
All right. That'll actually get you in the starting lineup for the Chicago White Sox.
All right. 0 for 40.
That's actually really good for them. But we want to do better with you in this game of approaching.
So let's break down why you don't do it. And most guys don't do it because they're afraid of one or both of two things.
They're either afraid that if they get rejected, she doesn't like it, that will make them feel like, ah, see, women just don't like me. I'm not good enough.
Or there's also social judgment that men are often worried about. Oh man, if i get shot down and those people who are within earshot here at the coffee shop see me get shot down i'll be that weird guy hitting on girls at starbucks and uh and that can feel like social judgment bordering on humiliation which of those two resonate with you or both? Definitely the social judgment aspect of it.
Yeah. The rejection, I've had a rejection before.
That's not as much of a big deal. It's just that polarizing idea of like, I'm going to say it and the barista is going to hear it and think I'm the new weirdo and ban me from Starbucks or something like that.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, the new weirdos. That was my rock band in college, by the way.
We were awesome. Ska band, the new weirdos.
Yeah, I heard some of your music, yeah. I forget.
Did you read the part of my book where I talk about me being in Starbucks, wanting to approach that beautiful brunette? Remember that story? Yes, I did. So yeah, quick flashback, and then we'll get back to you.
So I'm in Starbucks on a Sunday afternoon, this was 16 years ago, and I see that gorgeous brunette sitting by herself. She looked like Katie Holmes, who was my crush at the time and i wanted to talk to her so much i walked over to her table i i tried to get myself psyched up and i circled a couple times like a scared shark and then i went back and sat down because i remember and i remember specifically thinking oh that those people are sitting next to her what if they what if they hear me get shot down? What if I say something wrong? What if I get those weird looks? And so I tried a couple times.
And then she got up and left and walked out into the world. I never saw her again.
And I remember thinking, man, there's another girl I will never see and date. It's another loss for Connell.
And I said, I I'm done with that that was the moment I said I am fucking done letting women like that get out of my life with even Trump without even trying it was not trying to bother me it's like what kind of a man am I are you ready to stop being the the boy who doesn't approach and ready to start being the man who steps up?

Absolutely.

Yeah, let's do it.

Let's do it.

So my fear, here's what was happening inside of me,

and here's what's happening inside of you.

Your mind looks at a woman you want to talk to,

and it's thinking of all the reasons not to and that can go wrong. Think of it as like, think of two spheres.
We have a part of our mind that can be promotion oriented, promoting the positive wins, the rewards that await you from taking a certain action. And there's prevention.
Prevention. Oh, this is preventing me because what if she gets creeped out? What if she doesn like me that's what your mind goes to prevention right yes what are some thoughts that might promote action what are some potential upsides to you breaking the ice with that attractive woman at the coffee shop uh give me five uh for starters having a great conversation you know uh getting to meet somebody new, even if it doesn't work out, you know.

Yeah.

Potential relationship.

Yep.

Sex.

Yep.

Maybe sex at Starbucks.

Who knows?

Yeah, sex at Starbucks.

Yeah.

Come on.

Trying to think of a coffee sex joke. Talk about an extra spicy latte.
Anyway. No, but yeah, moving toward intimacy.
Why not? That's why you're going up to her. Not why, but that's part of what you're looking for as a man.
Nothing wrong with that, right? Absolutely, yeah. Two more.
Give me two more things that make you think, if I walk over and talk to this woman, I can feel good about two more things. Just knowing that I took that action, that the, you know, that lower self, that self-conscious part of me didn't end.
Puppy boy, right? Yes. Yes.
You named your lower self, that small identity, puppy boy, which is a smart thing to do because you want to think, ah, I don't want to go through life being puppy boy, just like I was Connie.

And then another one is, aside from just feeling that good action, just having a story to tell.

Not even necessarily bragging, just being like, oh yeah, I met this great girl today. Yeah.
Fantastic. Here's a question for you.
Great. That's all great promotion mindset pieces.
We want to link a lot of reward, positivity, good mojo to taking the action. So we can start to rewire your mind to say, hey, wait a minute.
Why don't I say things that make me feel good about approaching instead of say all these things that make me afraid to do it? That's what we're beginning to do right here. So those are great, five great reasons to walk up and talk to that woman.
Here's three or four more that resonated with me. Every time I walk up to a woman and take some kind of chance, I feel like I'm building my character.

I'm doing something that most men don't do.

By the way, most men can't or most men don't approach a woman

because of fear, because of what they perceive as social judgment.

They need liquid courage to maybe do it at the bar.

Or they need some weird pickup line. What if this was your mindset about talking to an attractive woman at starbucks every time i walk up to an attractive woman i am living my i'm living my character as a man as a one percent man one percent of men at most can walk up to a woman, be authentic, be genuine, and take some kind of swing at romance.
Is that something that you could feel good about no matter what her response was? Oh, absolutely, yes. Yeah, we start linking, approaching to your very identity.
A man of action, a man who takes risks, a man who says, fuck these apps, I want to meet people in the real world like we've been doing for 100,000 years. And that starts to make you feel like, ooh, walking over to her? That starts to feel better because you're now focused on what it brings you and rewards you instead of overly focusing on the thing you're trying to avoid.
Make sense so far? Yes. Yeah, this is just the mindset piece.
And then in a second, we'll talk about the how to, the what to say, because that's important

too.

But first, we just kind of want to get our head on straight and say, all right, let's

link so much pleasure to approaching possibly intimacy, a phone number, growing as a man,

linking yourself to that 1% identity of your higher self. how about this um is it possible you might make her day make her smile yeah yeah you might compliment her and make her feel attractive and and special and sexy yes yeah so if you're gonna if you're gonna let when you when you hear those horror stories play in your head of oh here are all the bad things that can go wrong, you have the ability to take all those records off, kind of scratch the record, put on a new record, showing how old I am.
I talk about records. People are like, what the hell's a record? What the hell's a record, old man? But you can take off the bad, scary sounding record and put on a better sounding record, a song that you like.
Say, wait a minute. Every time I approach a woman, I'm growing as a man but you can take off the the bad scary sounding record and put on a better sounding record a song that you like say wait a minute every time i approach a woman i'm growing as a man i'm moving toward love i'm trying to make her day better i'm just being a social person people socialize and i'm seeking to make her smile so i think it's all about contribution giving to her and growing as a man does Does that feel better than, oh no, am I a weirdo? Yes, it does.
Yeah, of course. Now let's look at the other side that's been holding you back, these thoughts that have been holding you back.
How many times have you approached a woman and somebody called you a weirdo? None. How many times have you talked to a woman in public and then they come on a loudspeaker attention whole food shoppers there's a man approaching women in the frozen food section please call security how many times have you been ejected from a public place for doing this zero how many times have have you done this and you actually caught somebody looking at you and judging judging you and feeling like oh man you're doing something wrong not at all people are usually in their own world yeah so the the thoughts that are holding you back are completely hypothetical between the ears right yeah would your theory about what might happen when you approach a woman would it pass the scientific method no no yeah let's go do a science experiment a social science experiment let's go talk to some cute girls and let's also do it in a way that minimizes the likelihood that you'll get weird looks or people won't like it.
I have a quick story for you about social judgment. I'm in Union Square here in New York City where I live.
Man, this is 13, 14 years ago. This is when I was on my approaching journey working with coaches before I became one.
I'm in Union Square in New York City. I see this really curvy, sexy blonde walking my way in the park on a weekend afternoon.
And I'm like, okay, I'm going to do it. And I walk up next to her.
She's got short shorts on. She looks adorable.
She looks really cute. I talk for 10, 15 seconds.
She wants nothing to do with me. I mean, she's not mean mean she's just like no thanks I'm not really interested basically what she said and she kept walking and I was I said nope no problem have a nice day I admit it stung for a few seconds I'm not going to say it didn't seconds later a young well-dressed young man comes up to me mid-20s glasses look kind of like Urkel from that TV show.
His name is Phil. Hey, Phil, if you're out there.
Phil, I find out his name is, he comes up to me and says, Oh my God, dude, that was amazing what you just did. You just walked right up to her.
That was so cool. And I said, Oh, thanks.
I mean, but you saw what happened. I got blown out.
I got rejected. He's like, yeah, but oh man, that was so ballsy.
That was so cool. I saw her coming a mile away.
I couldn't talk to her. He was impressed.
So is it possible, even if the worst happens, you approach a woman and she says, thanks, but no thanks, I don't want to talk to you. Is it possible that not only people might not even know, care, is it possible it might be impressive to somebody also yes yeah so we just want to chop away we want to we want to chip away at those thoughts that stop us from doing it and say you know what i'm a man i walk up to women and take a chance at romance or at least at socializing and you know what no one's probably going to care either way and if they do heck if anything they might be impressed that I'm doing it and that happened to me other times too that that story with Phil was just memorable because he became a friend of mine we would go out and talk to women together but yeah you might get shot down most people aren't even going to notice and if they do they might they might actually be impressed, even if you get shot down.

That's what I've learned. Okay.
Anyway, okay. Before I go on, I don't want to talk at you.
I want to answer your questions. Before we get to the how-to aspect of this, is this all making sense? Any questions for me about the approaching mindset that we want to start adopting? Not yet.
Not so much. I definitely really like the idea of that good self-talk, focusing much more on the good things as opposed to the bad things, because obviously that's how our anxieties work.
So I definitely like that idea of like, no, I'm not going to focus on all these hypotheticals that have never happened and probably won't you know and to really focus on this good this good outcome because even if i shouldn't say fail but even if i get rejected it's still i feel good about having done that yeah yeah absolutely and to go even further down that rabbit hole fine even if you get rejected is that the end of the world but? But is it even rejection? No, she doesn't know who I am. Right.
Is it even rejection? Right. How can she reject you? You know, if my girlfriend Jess came to me and said, Connell, I'm not in love with you anymore.
You're hung like a baby carrot.

You make weird noises when you eat.

I'm done with you.

That's rejection.

I might be down at the bar for the first time in two years.

That's something to feel rejected about.

A random woman you say hi to in a bar or a coffee shop,

it's not rejection.

She doesn't know you.

She might be rejecting a conversation with you at that moment, but that's more indicative

of her emotional state and her mindset at that moment. I was out with a client once, and we were at this bar.
I'm trying to remember. I remember this is right before the pandemic, because I remember everything from those weeks leading up to it.
But my client, James and I, a bar. And I approach a woman with him.
And she gives me a pretty fast rejection. Stiff arms me.
Not literally, but she's like, no thanks. Walks away.
Like, okay. At least I tried.
No big deal. About an hour later, James and I are, James is talking to a girl and it's going really well on the dance floor.
I'm next to James doing kind of like my wingman thing.

This is me out with my client here in New York City.

And the girl who had rejected me, cute brunette, one hour earlier,

she comes up and like dances up to me and like offers me a drink of her drink.

And I take a sip.

And all of a sudden she starts dirty dancing with me.

And we're making out like two minutes later.

The same girl who I approached an hour earlier. Did she reject me? No.
She was saying that right now. Give me an hour and I'll be in a better mood.
I'll come make out with you. That's my mindset around approaching.
It's not even rejection. It's just a reflection of how she feels in that moment.

Make sense so far?

Yes, it does.

Okay, so that's the mindset.

The mindset is every approach is a win because I either grow as a man

or I either get a result.

I might get a phone number.

I might get a date.

That'll change your life.

That's incredible.

Or even if you don't get that,

you get to put another brick in the wall

of that character as a man, another brick in that cathedral of your character. So that's the mindset.
And man, that alone can change everything for how you feel about it. And then in terms of the how to, let me ask you, what questions do you have about how to break the ice with women? How can I serve you? How can I help you? You know, so leading up to our conversation, I listened to your Valentine's Day episodes, which I absolutely loved.
Great. And I loved a lot of information about the actual method of To the Madness, really, of observation, comment, question, and then pivoting to your name and then another topic.
I love that. I guess the one thing that is really in my mind right now, especially with I want to go out and start doing this stuff tonight.
Great. The thing for me is I think it feels easier to talk to another person who's out by themselves.
But the big thing is always for me is when I see maybe a group of women, let's say there's four or five, and there's only one that I am interested in. And obviously, you know, I don't want to just isolate her just herself, but at the same time, I don't want to maybe have to talk to all of them forever just to get to one girl's number.
So do you have any tips or plans or tricks or how to approach a situation when there may be only one girl you find attractive in a group of four or five? Okay, good question. I would say four or five for a group of that size.
Let's say five max. You open them as a group.
They're a four-headed girl. I think I dated a four-headed girl once from the circus.
You treat her're a four-headed girl i think i dated a four-headed girl once from the circus you treat her like a four-headed girl and to open the group because that gets all of their attention gets them all reacting to your assertion of positive masculine authentic good mojo gets them responding to you, which is attractive and gets a nice dynamic where you're giving, they're receiving. You open up as a group and that gets all their attention and you essentially are giving them all some good social attention, which makes them feel good.
As opposed to walking up to the girl who you think is hot and you're like, hey, what's up?

You're hot.

And the female, her friends are all watching what's going on

and they're going to pull her away pretty quickly

from that kind of approach, mostly.

So you want to open them as a group for the first 30 seconds.

Hey, ladies, you guys are looking super stylish tonight.

Damn, is there a fashion show going on here?

Or whatever you would say.

You might feel a little bit on stage.

You got to bring a little bit more energy because it is a group.

So you got to talk loudly enough where you're magnetizing them with some of that oomph.

But you certainly have that charisma to do that.

And then you talk to the group for maybe 60 seconds or so.

So don't worry, not for for an hour a minute or two

and then once they feel like oh yeah cool guy confident and then you gravitate toward that woman who you're more attracted to and see what the vibe is like with her so basically you talk to the forehead of girl before you talk to the girl who you are at least attracted to and see what your vibe is okay okay I like that like that idea a lot and you'd still

like same mentality same idea if it was let's say a smaller group like it's just two of them or just three of them well yeah i guess i would define group as three three or four or more if it's if it's two or three that's a little bit easier still still more complex than one but if you let's say it's two two girls have you ever had the situation where you see the girl you are very attracted to and her friend who you're not quite as into absolutely let's talk about that i had a situation where i wanted to talk to this girl and we even made eye contact a couple times and uh actually it was the same night from earlier where i where i just bought the girl a drink and walked away but we made eye contact a couple times and she was dancing with her friends and they had made like a blockade in front of her and it just it just felt like i i don't want to just I don't know how to like really approach the situation i only want to talk to you and yeah they're all dancing together so well you do want to talk to both of them well i'll leave dance floor stuff aside because that's a high energy situation different situation but let's say it's just two women standing at the bar, the hottie and the naughty. Okay.

Fair enough.

We'll call it your 10 and your five.

Right.

For the record, I'm not a big numbers person, but just for simplicity, we know what that means.

And so you got the 10 and the five.

You're like, oh, what do I do?

The right strategy is you approach them both like they're sevens, which is walk up, social with both of them, and you give them both that social good mojo. And for the first minute or two, just basically be social and talk to them as two people, which they are, of course.
But then what you want to do is make a little shift. Basically, you want to hit the social hook point first.
In other words, what you don't do is walk up to the 10 and say hey you're gorgeous and ignore the five that's basically asking the five to cock block you and pull the friend away here's a quick sidebar by the way we have this term cock block why don't women have that term for them not getting to have sex i think that we need a term like vijayne um uh what else um something taco blocco just my my my female photographer friend who does my photos she and i talked about this so i do have woman's approval anyway we'll come back to that um so the jay nay uh clip clip wait what was it click clip oh my god jenny jenny totally click clipped me last night oh this guy was so great into me and she totally click clipped me oh yeah anyway so you don't want to get or clit-clipped when you're talking to the 10 and a 5. So here's the right move.
Walk up to both. Be social.
Be fun. Playful.
That's attractive to everyone. 1 to 10.
Okay? That's two minutes. You want to hit what's called the social hook point.
The social hook point. Don't worry about attraction for the first two minutes.
Don't worry about even man to woman moves. Think, I just want to be good social company.
Be present, fun, positive. That's enough to get in really good with lots of women.
It's called hitting the social hook point. That just means socially they want you there more than they did when you started.
Or they're now having more fun than they were before they met you that is gold because women just want to follow the fun good emotions make sense yes yeah so we go for two minutes just fun loose light get that social point and then but you're a man with a plan you're thinking all right but there's this 10 here and her five friend. Now,

what do I do? You, well, it helps if you have a five male friend with you to be your wingman. But if you don't have that, if it's just you, here's a great way to think about it.
Talk to the five like a friend. Talk to the 10 with a little bit of what I call that man to woman mojo.
A bit challenging, maybe a little teasing.

Ask the friend more logical, kind of friend-zone the friend, basically. You keep talking to both.
Don't get me wrong. You keep giving them both that social value.
But for the five, you might be like, oh, cool. Tell me more about where you work.
Oh, that's great. How long have you been there? A bit more logical, interested, but not necessarily flirting with her.
And then the 10, you're maybe might tease her a little bit. Or you might say a little, you know, what's called a push-pull.
You might say to the 10, you're like, she says something, and you're like, you're either the weirdest girl I've met tonight or the coolest. I'm just not sure which.
What do you think? Five. I mean, don't call her five.
That'd be hilarious. What do you think? Five.
Don't do that. But basically, you want to walk and chew gum here at the same time.
Talk to the five in a more friendly way. The 10 in a more teasing way, a little bit more what I call man to woman, which is good emotions, playfulness.
And then you can do this. I got this move from one of my old coaches.
I really like this. He taught me this.
He said, tell the five. say to tell the five, say to the five, let's say the five is Stephanie and the 10 is Amanda, right? Big Stephanie.
I have a question here. Your friend Amanda here.
I'm kind of digging her, but I'm not sure if I should ask her out. What do you think? Should I ask her out or should I, should I get out of here? Is she going to stalk me? What do you think? so you can flirt with the 10 through the 5.

You turn the 5 into your wing woman, if she likes you socially, and she'll appreciate that you're not ignoring her. You're not just talking to the hot friend.
You're interested in the hot friend, which she gets, but you're involving her, and she could become your champion. She could be like, oh yeah, you should definitely ask her out.
She's awesome. And you're involving her and she could become your champion and she could be like oh yeah you should definitely ask her out she's awesome and you're also showing amanda the 10 how confident you are to be saying this right in front of her and the social dynamics here of the all the great signals you're sending this can create so much attraction in the woman you're into make sense yes yeah i did this in Vegas one night.
I was in Vegas years ago, and it was like a big group of girls, and I really liked this woman named Sarah, and I was attracted to her. Sarah was flirting with me.
I could tell at one point, here's a good signal, at one point Sarah said, hey, I'm going to put some lip gloss on. Tell me if I'm putting it on right, and she like puckers up, like right in front of me, like even I could get that signal.
And so I'm really hitting it off with Sarah, and her friend, Amy, I'll call her Amy, I forget her name, her friend was not romantically interested in me or vice versa, she was just a great person. She was like, oh my God, Sarah likes you.

You're great for her.

You're way better than this lame guy she's been seeing back home.

You should really, I'm going to help you.

She was like, I'm going to be your wing woman tonight.

So you befriend the friend.

She can actually even help you with her girlfriend

if she likes you.

So that's why we give those good social cues

to the whole group because you never know who in that group might help you hit it off with the woman you're into. Awesome.
I love that. Thank you.
All right. Bottom line is, sorry, let me put one last bow on this.
You didn't ask this, but a lot of men do. They're like, well, I don't want to be too overt.
I don't want to take that chance. Actually, the first rule of what I call man-to-woman communication is putting a card on the table.
Clarity. Let that woman know if you're into her, let her know you're into her.
It's scary, but it's powerful. So that's why not only do't want you to not hide which one you like you can say to the the stephanie the five your friend here is really cool i'm really kind of digging her with the friend standing right there women are so turned on by a guy who has that kind of honesty and like raw truth he's willing to stand in which is why i'm such a big fan of like the whole authenticity thing it really does work for that reason so clarity first fancy moves second got it next question one thing that i would say is like if i if i had like i don't know like a um approaching bucket list i know we hate the a word but just uh you're going out to girls talking to girls bucket list i would like to at least try a couple direct approaches

I know I already talked about how approaches always have been something that I've struggled with. I've had a couple in my college years girls I approached directly, but liquid courage was definitely a big factor of it.
So without alcohol, I would love to do some direct approaches here and there. I guess my question would be is when would you recommend doing a direct opener? I'm assuming you probably don't necessarily recommend them in like a Whole Foods.
But when would you say is like a good indicator that this is maybe a good situation to go more direct? You can do a direct open anywhere. But you want to calibrate it for the environment.
Okay. And by the way, a definition of a direct opener is you're putting that clear romantic intent out there from the very first words.
That's what a direct opener is. She knows exactly what this is about because your words are telling her.
So something like, I just saw you, you're beautiful, I had to meet you. That's basically a direct opener for anyone who doesn't know what that is.
And you can be direct anytime, anywhere. You do want to calibrate it to the context of the situation.
So if you're at a bar on Saturday night, on the floor or the bar, it's a wild fun night. People are drinking.
It's party night. You have social permission.
I mean, you have permission to do anything you want within reason, but the vibe of the night is much looser than it was six hours earlier. And you could walk up to a woman there and say, hey, I just saw you.
You are're gorgeous i wanted to meet you hi what's up i'm john it can be like a smoldering direct approach or or high energy if you're on the dance floor i wouldn't do that at starbucks at two o'clock on a set on a lazy sunday p.m at a starbucks i might if i'm going to be directed at Starbucks, I might say, hey, excuse me, I never do this, but I just had to say you're adorable. And I just wanted to say hi.
What's up? I'm John. So it's more innocent, more G-rated.
Kind of almost like a Hugh Grant movie approach. It's like, oh gosh, I can't believe I'm doing this, but gosh, you're cute.
That's like raw that's the stuff of rom-com movies for so many women so i wouldn't say yeah i wouldn't it's not so much don't do it here and there it's more like how like the the level of sexual suggestiveness versus like innocence think innocent g-rated aw shucks in the daytime bar at night you can want if you're feeling those vibes you can be way more bold and uh more like intentful do you know the movie vicky christina barcelona by any chance i've heard the name but never seen it it's a i'll play it actually i'll play this clip after i set it up and there's this there's an amazing scene in there in that movie where

Javier Bardem walks up to Scarlett Johansson and Rebecca Hall the actresses and he just walks up with this awesome Spanish man Latin lover intent and he doesn't use words but American?

I'm Christina, and this is my friend Vicky. and he doesn't use words but To come where? To Oviedo.
For the weekend. We leave in one hour.
Where is Oviedo? A very short flight. By plane? What's in Oviedo? I go to see a sculpture that is very inspiring to me.
Very beautiful sculpture. You'll love it.
Oh, right. You're asking us to fly to Oviedo and back.
No, we'll spend the weekend. I mean, I'll show you around the city and we'll eat well.
We'll drink good wine. We'll make love.
Yeah, who exactly is going to make love? Hopefully the three of us. Correct.
And he just totally owns it. And you could certainly approach a woman that way where you just walk up and say, hey, what's up? Wanted to meet you.
I'm John. If that's how you're feeling congruently in that moment.
So, yeah, think at night you can be more sexual or at least more sexually suggestive if you're feeling that way. In the daytime, you want to avoid that kind of thing.

Generally, that'll be too much too soon for a lot of women.

Make sense?

Yes.

Here's my favorite word.

If you want to approach in the daytime intentfully, directly,

here's the magic word.

Adorable.

Excuse me, miss.

I just saw you.

You're adorable.

I had to say hi.

Sexy. You look hot.
That's going to get a lot of defenses up from women. Understandably so, because women get catcalled all the time or they get poorly approached.
Something powerful about the word adorable. I dated an incredible woman named Alex many years ago, and I approached her.
She was walking out of a forever 21 with her friend and I saw her with her friend and I was feeling really bold that day and I just walked up and I said hey I just saw you you're adorable wanted to meet you hey what's up I'm Connell face lit up her friend was like into it like as a as a observer she wasn't It was like, ooh, what's happening here?

And Alex later told me, you know what I loved about how you approached me? It was so innocent.

It was really sweet and innocent. I just loved it.
You just said I was adorable.

Now, Alex said this to me as we're lying in bed,

and we had just had sex on every piece of furniture in my apartment.

But she still was thinking about how sweet and innocent the approach was.

So you could have a beautiful, sweet, little G-rated approach in the daytime.

Women love it.

And things can get X-rated and R-rated later.

I just remember how funny it was when she said that. So did i answer your question then yes yes okay got you so um so like my personal life like i am the king of overthinking things that is like you know my is my biggest uh i'm gonna say red flag my biggest critique for myself is i'm a big overthinker um when i'm about to compete I have an entire pre-fight ritual that I do, which just kind of gets me in that zone.
MMA, right? Yes. Nice.
So I have my specific motivational podcast I listen to, mean faces in the mirror, stuff like that. Sounds corny to say out loud, but it gets me in that I got to go somebody's own it's there obviously they're hurting people but um and again i may be overthinking this do you have like a to kind of get you out of that in your head mentality and getting into becoming like a man of action do you have like some sort of almost pre-approach ritual kind of thing when you know that you're going to be going out like hey we're going out tonight talk to some girls do you have like your own little pre-approach like uh or just pre going out like things you do say kind of hype yourself up with that kind of gets you in that kind of mentality i do i'll i'll take you through that process in a second before i do i'm curious what is your definition of in my head what does that mean to? So in my head for me is I'm focusing so much on not messing something up and also fighting with the part of me that just wants us, let's just go home.
Let's just go home. Let's not do this.
No, no, no, no. Let's not do this.
I know that they say anxiety was made to keep us safe. So I'm fighting with that anxious part of me that is thinking of every excuse not

to do whatever I have to do or wants to compromise by making sure everything

is,

you know,

movie level perfect.

And,

and while I'm trying to come up with,

you know,

this,

you know,

impossibly perfect scenario in my head,

she just walked away.

Okay.

Yeah.

Great.

By the way, thank you for the honesty and the the you're so articulate how you describe your thoughts so you make it you make my job as a coach so much easier because you're so self-aware and articulate so thank you there's a reason why where this is on a podcast because you're so freaking articulate articulate okay, so I won't lose thought.

I'm going to answer your question about my process,

but I want to see if I can serve you and help you with the in-your-head thing.

So give me an approaching little play-by-play for the in-your-head moment,

the thoughts, the perfection or the things you're trying to not screw up.

Take me through a little mental watch. So I can give you an example recently.
Okay. My gym is connected to a rec center.
That rec center has a very big, very popular indoor beach volleyball group or just culture. They do indoor beach volleyball all year round, hundreds of people.
Very attractive girl. I've seen a couple times is there um i just got done with my workout i see she's wrapping up her workout and you know she in between she's you know talking to friends here and there grabbing something to drain getting her stuff and and i'm just trying to think in my okay i want to say something to her what should i say okay no no no can't say right now she's talking to her friend oh i can't say right oh she might go back to playing volleyball let me let me hold up a little bit oh no she's leaving okay now she's going to the bathroom like and really i feel like i'm stalking her at this point um so it's just it's just me trying to think of like uh find that quote a perfect moment in my head and every situation almost has to go through a filter of like is this perfect and and that's just my brain's way of trying to find something that's oh no it's too sunny right now something like that to uh an excuse i guess i should say and so um so yeah she just walked all right see you guys and just walked away and I guess I should say.
And so, yeah, she just walked. All right, see you guys.
And just walked away. And I guess I'll say something to her.
I'll see her again. Got it.
Okay. I know what's going on.
It's so common. I did it the same way.
Once upon a time, back when I was learning all this stuff and just beginning the process of approaching women. Oh, my gosh, the scary new thing.
I could approach any woman in the world as long as she looked at me and she smiled and nobody else was talking to her and she was wearing a sign that said, horny for gingers. If all of those boxes were checked, I could go right up to her.
that's perfectionism so it's almost like if you had to say

you had a, if you're the head coach of a basketball team of your dating life, it's like your starting center, John, is perfectionism. And that is a bad player to have on your team because everything's got to be perfect for you to take an action.

Instead of perfectionism, we want to put perfectionism on the bench.

Actually, we want to cut perfectionism from the team and have a different starting lineup.

We want courage.

The courage to say, I'm not sure this is the perfect moment.

I'm not sure how this is going to go, but I'm deciding to go say five words to her and let the chips fall. Or another player on the team is uncertainty.
Possibility. Doing something that may or may not go perfectly, but who knows? That can be kind of exciting to see what might happen.
Uncertainty can be exciting. The uncertainty of what a bottle of champagne might taste like.
The uncertainty of a new movie. Is it going to suck? Is it going to be awesome? That can be exciting.
So we want to basically put perfectionism on the bench and adopt what I call these super values, the values we want to have in place in our dating life

that promote action, that promote taking risks,

that promote authentic expression,

promote, promote, promote, action, action, action.

So I'd say, yeah, we just want to put perfectionism on the bench

and say, all right, let's do,

well, you tell me, which of those sound good to you?

Uncertainty, risk-taking, courage?

Which of those do you feel like, oh, yeah, that's the guy i need to give the ball to there you go cool give me if you would three new commitments you're willing to make that basically actions slash behaviors that if you were to do these behaviors you would be embodying courage in dating for example the way i write these out with my clients literally i have them write them out in pen and paper so they can kind of upload so to speak a new mindset new operating system anytime i see a beautiful woman and i want to talk to her and i don't know what to do but I do it anyway and I say hello. I will be embodying courage, or I will be living from a place of courage.
Anytime I see a woman talking to somebody else, and I come over and I break the ice in the most polite way possible, as opposed to tiptoeing around her, I will be embodying courage. And we just want to come up with little ways we can use courage using that sort of structure.
Anytime I insert courageous action here, I will be embodying courage. What are one or two that you could think of for you? I would say, you know, anytime I just strike up a conversation with a, you know, woman I feel attracted to and just not give a fuck.
I can say fuck, right? Yes. Okay.
It's required, actually. All right.
I just not give a fuck about my own anxieties or what I think other people might be thinking about the situation. I'm embodying courage.
Nice. Beautiful.
Need one or two more if you would. anytime I ask for a number

after you know going through the you know natural approaching method and conversation of embodying courage hell yeah i love it because once you break through approach anxiety which you're going to do very soon very quickly once you start taking action then the next wall is going to be oh my god i'm talking

her it's going well now i gotta ask her out so great that's awesome i love that yeah anytime i go for that number can you give me one more that's that would be you embodying courage something that's in your control anytime i uh i would say um go direct specifically you know maybe direct at a more nighttime or bar or something like that.

Cause I like a nice pub.

Anytime I go direct,

direct open. go direct.
Specifically, maybe direct at a more nighttime or bar or something like that. Because I like a nice pub.
Anytime I go direct, direct opener, I'm embodying courage. Boom.
Absolutely. Now what you're doing is you're linking a lot of positive, empowering emotions to process-based actions that move you toward dating results and that get you approaching women.
And you're putting a new player on the team because perfectionism is your starting center and he never shoots the ball. Perfectionism's rules are anytime 17 different factors are all aligned, then I'll go talk to her.
But of course, how often does that happen?

Never, right?

Never.

So we need to get rid of perfectionism.

And yeah, courage, uncertainty.

There are other ways to get yourself to take action that can feel good.

For me, a big thing was fun and playfulness.

I was afraid to approach a woman because she might reject me.

But once I started reframing it as, what can I say to her that I would find fun and playful? How can I crack a joke that would make me smile and laugh that she may or may not like, but man, I'm going to like it. That made it easier for me to go talk to women because I was focused on what I was going to enjoy about it.
So yeah, that's a great way to think about it is give yourself lots of ways to leverage courage or other super values, as I talk about in my book, so that you're just taking action. All these are just different ways to get you taking the right action so that we can show women how fucking awesome you are, women you approach anyway, because they're mostly not meeting you and we want to fix that right puppy boy i'm gonna get rid of puppy boy puppy boy the perfectionist yes definitely want to get rid of that guy yeah oh one more important point and i'd love for you to find this out tonight if you're going out tonight is here's the power of courage is that right now you, John, and you listening, you can talk to any woman anytime you want.
No one can stop you. You have the agency, you have the power using courage.
You can't do it fearlessly yet. You can't do it maybe even comfortably yet.
You might be scared to death, but no one can stop you. A lot of men make the understandable mistake, I made it for 38 years, they make the mistake of thinking, well, I can't approach a woman until I'm confident.
No, you can't get confident until you get courageous. So use courage first.
Walk up to that woman and say, hey, excuse me, I'm really nervous. I never do this, but you're so cute.
I don't care if your voice cracks. I don't care if you throw up in your mouth.
That's a 100 out of 10 in my book. And you do it again and again and again.
And all of a sudden, you're like, hey, wait a minute. I'm feeling way more confident.
Because courage is that currency that buys you confidence. So I can't possibly overstate the importance of good old-fashioned courage.
And courage is just the decision to take an action in the face of discomfort, but you do it anyway because that's what men do. So tonight, go invest in confidence by making some courage deposits.
It'll pay off maybe very quickly. I mean, you could use courage to walk up to a gorgeous woman.
It goes great. 30 seconds later, you're 10 out of 10 confidence.
Confidence can come automatically, but first you got to use courage. Got you.
All right. I guess like the only other question, which we've kind of already hit a little bit on it right now.
I know, I think I love what you said. You can talk to anyone with any time with confidence, with courage, excuse me.

I guess since I know that

lower self is definitely still going to pop up

here and there

and this is by no means any kind of

giving myself an

excuse or a way out or anything like that would you say there's like any a good idea of like when okay maybe right now isn't a good idea like i know like obviously oh she's got a car accident maybe don't say something to her right now while she's sorting those things out but um she's trying to fly the plane maybe let her land that 747 exactly like is there any like an indicator of like so that way you can i guess i can tell myself like all right no that's logic don't do it now versus no that's just your lower self i'm glad you said that yeah i didn't mean to say always walk up to every woman every moment using courage blind to what's going on absolutely you want to read the room read the situation you want i guess i guess common sense is the answer you know i um i was at a shoe store once no i was at macy's actually and i saw a gorgeous woman i wanted to talk to but she was uh in the middle of having her shoe size checked on and then she went up to the register and was paying. Am I going to walk right up to her in the middle of her paying for her shoes and interrupt that? That would lower my status in her eyes because I'd be doing something that really is kind of socially miscalibrated.
However, so I waited. And you know what? If this sounds creepy, I guess I'm creepy.
But I waited a few minutes. I was like, all right, I'll give her a few minutes.
I'll just do a little window shopping. And then as she was done with her purchase, I walked alongside her and said something.
And I don't remember how it went. It's been so many years ago.
But I waited until it was a reasonably good moment. So we just want to kind of figure out, okay, am I avoiding this because I'm just afraid? Or is there really a good reason why I shouldn't talk to her yet and wait for a reasonable window to open? Can you give me any examples of the kinds of windows, of whether this is a window I should let open or I should just barge in? Any specific examples? Think about that same about that same girl i promise i'm promised i'm not obsessed with her the rec center girl uh yes like so i know she's uh i know she's one of the volleyball player athletes there and so i know it's like uh they go in and out take breaks jump back in there and so there have been times i'm like okay is she done now and then oh no she's she's just taking a break they're jumping.
So, like, obviously I'm not going to try and talk to her while she's in the middle of a game. So, that was one.
Yeah, I mean, so, like, she's in the middle, she's playing volleyball or practicing volleyball. Right.
So, they do inter-tournament games, like, a couple times a week. So, sometimes it's a little tricky to know, like, they done done right or is it just a break gotcha in that setting i would play a bit of a longer game or at least a medium game and understand okay what moment makes sense for me to go chat her up she's just went to the drinking fountain or she and one of her friends or teammates are just talking and chatting, but they're not engrossed in the game.
Don't walk up to her as she's about to hit the serve. But if it's a five-minute break and she's talking to another player on the team, you could walk up to both of them in a social way.
Not even a hitting on her way, just a social way. Be like, oh, hey, guys.
You guys are crushing it today. How's the practice going? How's the game going? Even if it's a 10 or 15-minute little icebreaker, now you're creating a warm lead in a social situation.
Because this is the rec center. You've seen her there multiple times, right? Right.
Yeah, so you don't have to shoot your whole shot right away. You can just kind of make a nice little warm lead.
Introduce yourself, say hello, give value, not trying to take anything at first. You're just trying to give.
And play maybe a longer game, but it's about finding that golden mean, to quote Aristotle, that golden mean in the middle. Don't walk up in the middle of her trying to spike the ball.
But also, don't never talk to her and always find some excuse. There's a golden mean in the middle.
Oh, she's getting a drink at the water fountain. She's talking to one friend, but she's a little bit of downtime.
That would be the time to go in. Okay.
Awesome. These are great questions.
Thank you. I think that pretty much answers most of my main questions, really.
In preparation for us talking, I loved your Valentine's Day series on approaching. Thank you.
Just having that good framework. It's funny, listening to it, I just felt like, this is how we talk to normal people.
I can have a conversation with any guy or any person who I'm not interested in. It's only when there's that level of attraction added to it do at least I feel like I kind of reinvent the wheel.
And just having that kind of framework to go back to, question, compliment, observation, explore that topic, hi, my name is John, and then going to another topic. It really just gives me a concise way to kind of like organize my thoughts, I guess, is a way to say it.
It also gives you a, or will give you, tell me this week, next week, check in with me, tell me what happens tonight or this weekend. But when you go out and follow what I call the, what do I call it? I should know this, it's my podcast, The Natural Approaching Method.
What's my latest marketing name? The Natural Approaching. Following the Natural Approaching Method.
Basically, that just means A, B, C. You can give yourself three simple options.
Compliment that's G-rated or a question that makes sense to ask or make an observation and call out that observation. What I found is that is a very, very high percentage of approaches that are received well.
Very high. Like, really high.
As long as you commit to it, as long as you have good social skills, which you certainly do. And so go test drive that tonight, this weekend.
See how it does for you. Not in a batting average, obsessive way, but just

to see, hey, wait, you know what? Most of the time, women respond pretty well. There's really not much to be afraid of.
Not much. And then every so often, you'll get a woman who may be, you know, hey, excuse us.
We just want to have our conversation. Thanks.
That's not even about them. Or that's not even about you.
That's about them. And that's cool, too.
It's a free country. They're allowed to say, no thanks

just remember

you can approach

one woman

at

10pm It's about them. And that's cool, too.
It's a free country. They're allowed to say, no thanks.

Just remember, you can approach one woman at 10 p.m. by 1130, and she rejects you.

By 1130, she's making out with you on the dance floor, like what happened to me.

Your mileage may vary.

Fingers crossed.

And yeah, so I talk a lot about courage.

But really, what you're going to find out, I think, I think is oh my god, this is what I was afraid of? this wasn't so bad, this is easy I'm just talking to people, just talking to women some like me, some are neutral every so often there's kind of a mean girl but no worries, she's a good person probably just caught her at a bad moment and then you're going to find out there's really nothing to be afraid of. Okay, before we go, I want to ask you what you're going to be, what actions you are committed to taking tonight and or this weekend for all the listeners of How to Get a Girlfriend and for Coach Connell.
What actions are you going to take tonight? What are you committed to doing or to this weekend? No pressure. I've never done this live.

I just gave it up.

It's totally fine.

I am committed to – so for this weekend, it's St. Patrick's Day weekend.

I am off on St. Patrick's Day.

So I am committed to – I want to approach at least – I want to say five.

Five women who I find attractive, not just – I'm just saying this to get – because i don't feel anxiety or worry if it's somebody i'm not interested in so five at least five women who i find attractive and i want to do go through the a b and c like you know of the of the approach and i want to force myself to have that two minute conversation with them even if I'm feeling kind of stuck or kind of fidgety of the situation. And then just I want to – part of me wants to commit to a lower number, like, oh, shoot my shot with one.
But I'm going to say I want to shoot my shot with five. Nice.
Because I know If i only do one then i'd be like the last person i talked to and then whether she says yes or no now i've now i feel confident so i know right once i shoot my shot with that one with one regardless of if she says yes or no i know that's going to give me that like that boost of like, that was easy. So then I can keep doing the rest.
So my commitment this weekend is to, again, I'm not saying an A word approach, but have a good conversation with five women who I find attractive and shoot my shot in terms of trying to get their number or contact information with at least with all five of them great we have a verbal contract absolutely with you and thousands of listeners everyone everyone heard it you know i can't back out exactly yeah exactly no i mean i i'm only half kidding but also it's important to commit to actions right it's important to say all right information's great podcasts are great coaching sessions with me look there's no bigger fan of my coaching than me i'm my number i am my number one fan but you know what the right five minute approach with the right woman is worth 10 hours on the phone with me it's worth more it's worth more than that the breakthrough that you might have not to mention the relationship that might happen but just the aha moment there's only so much a coach can do yak yak yaking at you the real gold is buried out there in the field that's where the girls are that's where the breakthroughs are that's where the love is that's where the growth is so yeah I love it and I will let you know what happened no matter what I'm not gonna ghost you after this oh i know i know yeah so it was great you know she's still here at my house won't leave or you know fantastic yeah action is always the answer action and then look at how look at look at the events of the evening afterwards,

but no self-judgment in the field.

Basically, five women, I'm going to chat them all up.

I don't let go of results, no judgment,

and just say, yeah, break the ice with five women.

You might lose track and talk to 10,

or you might really click with the first or second one you talk to.

By the way, I give you permission to not get to five

if you click with a real cutie and things happen. So that's how you can get out of your five.
If number two or three turns into a really nice approach and you make something happen, that's your get out of jail clause. That's okay.
Got you. Okay.
Yeah. Awesome, man.
Anything else I can do for you tonight? No, sir. You've been a huge, you just you know came in your you and your content kind of came into my life at the perfect time uh went through a horrible breakup last year and um yeah um my mom was like the bought me your book as a like oh right your mom just bought me your book as a as a hey i know the breakup was tough, but I want grandchildren, so read this book that I got.
So you came to my life at a really good time. Let's go get her some grandkids.
Absolutely. Let's go get her some grandkids.
Come back in nine months. Let's make this a really good weekend.
Come back in nine months. There'll be three of us on in nine weeks.
Three of us. Maybe four of us twins.
Thank you, John, so much for joining me. And thank you for listening.
I know you have so many podcast options out there. And I appreciate you listening to mine.
By the way, quick little marketing moment. If you are looking for a dating coach and you like what you heard tonight, you can book a free call with me.
You can go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call and you and I will speak about some of your dating goals. I can help give you clarity on what's been holding you back and help you come up with a plan to go out and meet your dream girlfriend.
So if that interests you, go to datingtransformation.com. If it doesn't,

all good. Keep listening to the pod and thank you so much for being here.
And don't forget,

your dream girlfriend, she's out there and she's going to love you, but she's going to have to