115: Pants on fire [LIVE]

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In the UK, why might you see cars covered in Battenberg?

The answer to that at the end of the show.

I'm Tom Scott and with a live audience in London.

This is Lateral!

We are delighted to be kicking off the UK leg of the comedy podcast festival Cheerful Earful.

We decided it was a better fit for us than the festival of angry political podcasts, the Rollicking Bollocking.

We're recording this show at the Clapham Grand in southwest London.

Over its 120 years of history, it has hosted acts as varied as Charlie Chaplin, Oasis, and the Venga Boys.

Alas, not all on the same bill.

In the 1990s, acts who played here included Nick Cave, Public Enemy, and the rock band Pavement, who unfortunately are now out on the streets.

We've hit the level.

I don't normally hear them.

I think the listener deserves to see your face as you say.

Smug.

I described as smug.

I know what's coming.

It is fair to say that our guests today are most definitely streets ahead.

First, new to the show, stand-up comedian, presenter, and children's author from A Problem Squared, we have Beck Hill.

Hello.

Hi.

This is an intimidating way to be a first-timer on this podcast.

How are you feeling?

Oh, very smug.

Matt Parker didn't get an audience, so I'm well-chucked.

He was the first guest, though, on the first show, wasn't he?

Yeah, but I'm the first with an actual good audience.

So.

Big turn.

Big turn.

we were an audience in the first episode, Beck.

Thank you very much.

Stop insulting past us.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

If you don't know Beck, she's well known for being really mean.

And apparently over-competitive with Matt Parker as well.

He knows what he did.

Next up, a returning lateral guest from the Comedians Comedian podcast.

It's comedian Stuart Goldsmith.

It's very, thank you very much.

Thank you.

It is

very NordVPN to be here.

Have you actually taken a sponsorship behind my back?

I'm not at liberty to divot.

Thanks to NordVPN, you won't be able to fucking.

No, no, no.

Because now I have to go out and see if they will actually pay for that mansion.

Yeah, yeah, fair enough.

Okay.

What are you up to these days?

You asked me for a climate confession backstage.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mostly do stand-up comedy about the climate crisis now.

I do like an hour-long show.

It's not long, but it does feel long.

And yeah, so I'm interested in trying to save the world one joke at a time.

That's my thing.

Well, good luck on the show today.

Finally, one of our lateral regulars from Murder She Didn't Write, TV producer and performer, Lizzie Skipiak.

Hello!

Thank you for having me.

You are the person on this panel who's been on most lateral shows.

How do you think it's going to be different with the folks out here actually watching?

I'm more scared.

You're nothing like my living room.

But yeah it's good to be here it's good to be here and you've sold out Edinburgh enough again I said sold out at Edinburgh and I meant sold out Edinburgh you've you've filled fringe rooms plenty of times yes but I'm usually a sexually aggressive old detective and now I'm just nothing has changed tonight

Good luck to all of our guests today.

We're going to play the game the same as we always do, just with the vague notion we're being watched.

So let's have a look-see at what's in store with question one.

This question was sent in by Note Boatsma.

Due to something he installed in his car, why did Dick Trickle need a special hole in his helmet?

I'll say that again.

Due to something he installed in his car, why did Dick Trickle need a special hole in his helmet?

Is this one of your warm-up exercises?

I think you're going to struggle to get a sponsor on this one.

Is it Dick Trickle?

Dick Trickle.

Dick Trickle.

It was Dick Trickle.

It was Dick Trickle.

Why did Dick Trickle have a hole in his helmet?

His head helmet.

Is there any other kind?

Yes, his safety helmet.

His trickle dick.

Yes, okay.

So due to something he had installed in his car.

This sounds like a thing from yesteryear.

Is this an old car?

Oh, where you would need to wear a helmet to drive the car.

Yeah, I don't know many modern people called Dick Trickle.

This sounds like an old, ye oldie 1920s name.

Or my burlesque name.

Nice.

It's certainly older.

I wouldn't go back all the way to the 1920s.

This is a crash helmet because Dick Trickle was a professional racing driver.

And the helmet ends

above the eyes.

Nope, full head helmet.

This is a racing drive helmet.

Natural place to.

Did he need a hole for his mouth?

His eyes?

Yes, was he recording?

Was he recording as he drove around the place, so he needed to be able to be heard?

He needed a micro...

No, that doesn't make any sense.

He hold the microphone.

Was there a telescope in one eye of the helmet?

No, but you are along the right lines.

A monocle?

You've not got the right bit of his face.

It's eyes.

It's over the eyes.

He needed a hole at the bottom of the helmet to put his head into it.

That would not be a special hole.

I Did he smell the root?

He navigated by smell.

Oh, you know what?

He wouldn't be able to do that.

He would.

He wouldn't.

He wouldn't.

Not if he was using his hole.

I get one spit-take look at the audience per show and I just use it way too early.

Is Dick Trickle like an animal, like a narwhal?

He's got like a...

He's got a horn.

I mean, I probably should have gone for a whole angel.

I just said my entire Bitcoin passphrase.

You said 1920s, which is too early.

Yeah.

But this wouldn't work these days.

Health and safety would not allow this.

Oh, my God.

Sorry, the haze just gave me an absolute

idea.

Was it old enough that he's like, I'll smoke in my car when I want to?

Yes, he did.

It was dead.

Oh, my God.

Ah, yeah, see, it's me, Dick Trickle, eh?

In my car.

Okay, so when I said he had a hole for his mouth.

I'm not entirely sure.

I think the hole was actually somewhere in the top to let the smoke vent away.

He went over his eyes?

Yes.

Dick Trickle was famous for enjoying a cigarette.

He fitted something inside his car.

That's what we've not got.

A hole.

An ashtray.

What else might you put in a car?

A lighter?

A cigarette kiosk.

What was that?

A radiologist.

Stuart, you said lighter, and I feel like everyone on the panel has forgotten about something that used to be in cars.

Cigar lighters.

Cigarette lighters.

Dick Trickle fitted a cigarette lighter in his racing car.

So that he could, with one hand on the steering wheel, or maybe both hands, and just putting his head down.

Whenever there was a yellow flag in the race, so they weren't allowed to overtake or go too fast, he would light up a cigarette, and then...

If it started again, there was a hole in the helmet, so he could just keep puffing away and let the smoke go.

What brand did he smoke?

Because I'm going to start.

Yes, he was born in 1941, died 2013, had a NASCAR career spanning 24 years and over 300 races.

How many cigarettes?

More than that.

That's quite the carbon footprint.

Making enough emissions already.

I'm going to make them come out of my mouth.

Stuart, it is over to you for the next question.

At a hospital in Darwin, Australia, why was an illustration of a medical device attached to the front of a vending machine?

I'm going to say that again.

At a hospital in Darwin, Australia,

why was it...

Looking daggers at Beck.

At a hospital in Darwin, Australia, why was an illustration of a medical device attached to the front of a vending machine?

Do you know my first thought was,

I wonder if this has something to do with the Darwin Awards.

And then I realized,

no, that is, they're not named the Darwin Awards because someone in Darwin did something stupid.

Can I, this is slightly, while you're having a think, without giving any details away, just give me a whoop, people in the audience, if you think you know this right off the bat.

That's water off.

It's like an idiotometer now.

The audience are officially smarter than you.

Was the medical device some sort of smoking helmet?

So it's got a picture of a medical device on it because

there's medical devices in it, right?

Medical devices inside the vending machine.

Not correct.

Whoa.

No, but it was at a hospital.

So the attainability of medical devices.

I was thinking it was just a really unhealthy vending machine.

And there's just this note on the front with a picture of a pacemaker and you will be next.

Yes!

Yes, a cigarette machine with just sort of awful.

Oh, God.

Is it like a diagram of a CAT scan machine?

And it's like, no, don't order anything magnetic to eat.

Just don't eat.

Do not place a vending machine inside MRI scammer.

Oh, no, Iron Brew.

Hey!

I love the way that changed from a wounded noise into applause.

Any other things?

Okay, so what do you buy at hospitals for vending machines?

Sad snacks.

Well, sometimes happy snacks, depending on your visit.

So is it like a, are there snacks inside this vending machine?

The vending machine sold snacks, for sure.

Yes.

Okay.

And the piece of paper was a warning.

It had the word warning at the top of it.

Like, don't eat crisps with a stethoscope on, because it will be a good one.

You're too confused.

The stethoscope is sort of like similar shape, arguably.

Is it some form of medical device that's fitted to your mouth or face?

I'm sorry, not all my answers are going to be mental device.

Warning, do not get arm trapped in.

Do not get prosthetic arm trapped in vending machine.

Well,

you're not a million miles away.

Do not get prosthetic leg trapped in vending machine.

Colder.

Oh, do not get prosthetic mouth trapped in.

I think the area in which you were a little warm there is not to do with prosthesis so much as the use of an implement that could get stuck inside the machine.

Oh.

There's some sneaky doctors, isn't it, using tools to get in the vending machine.

What a tool.

Mud picture the scene.

You're a sneaky doctor.

If you access the tools.

What sneaky tools would I have?

I don't know.

Here's the bad news, Lizzie.

Beck has obviously going, oh, I've got this, I've got this, I've got this.

So either, with 600 people in the audience, this is going to be a brilliant soul that she's going to steal from you,

or it's going to be really embarrassing.

It's a sneaky.

What do you do as a doctor?

What would you have on you?

No sneaky syringe in your crisps.

I don't think so.

I don't think so.

Go for it, Beck.

What do you think?

Is it like forceps or whatever the thing, the speculum that you're using?

Well, there's an image none of us will ever get out of our heads.

If you remember the clue earlier about the stethoscope's shape.

It's tubey.

It's a tubular thing, right?

Don't you?

Yeah, dude, totally tubular.

Okay, you've got access.

You've got access to anything in a hospital.

Gun to your head.

10 seconds.

Get me a crunching.

How are you going to do it?

Oh.

And not forceps.

An endoscope?

Excuse me?

An endoscope is the correct answer.

Oh!

Oh!

The warning sign!

The warning sign featured an endoscope, the long bendy tube used for examining the inside of the human body.

And I once went for an endoscopy, and the person at the reception literally said, which end?

And that really gave me the impression that it's just the same tube.

They just use the other end of it.

The end of the tube has an endocatch, a net that's normally used for capturing tissue samples.

And the sign from the theatre committee read, Do not use endoscopy equipment to steal chocolate from this vending machine.

Which suggests it had not only happened, but more than once.

That's sad if you get endoscopy and you're like, hmm, I taste Snickers.

Which end?

Yes, well,

hope it wasn't recently used on knickknacks if it is the other end.

Thank you to Nate for sending in this next question.

In 2008, paleontologists penned a simple drawing of a 150-million-year-old cephalopod, the remains of which they had unearthed.

Though artistically unremarkable, the illustration was very special.

Why?

In 2008, paleontologists penned a simple drawing of a 150 million-year-old cephalopod, the remains of which they had unearthed.

Though artistically unremarkable, the illustration was very special.

Why?

And at this point, we go to Stewart's patented whoopometer.

Does anyone think they've got this?

Give us a whoop.

Woo!

Fewer whoops this time.

Tricky one.

A cephalopod is something octopoid, is that right?

Yes, it is.

Oh.

But it's penned by the scientist, by the paleontologist.

Not the cephalopod.

I mean, it was 150 million years old.

It's probably run out of ink.

Yeah, that was cleverer than I meant it to be.

It absolutely was cleverer than you meant it to be.

Keep talking.

Oh, my God.

Oh, they drew the picture using the ink recovered from the cephalopod?

They drew the picture with the ink recovered from the cephalopod!

Woohoohoo!

Oh!

Oh, now!

Sorry for messing the quiz up.

I really, that's nuts.

So talk me through what sort of thing do you think happened there?

Like, it's 150 million years old.

What are they, what are they doing?

Well, I guess the,

what are they doing?

They're sort of rummaging around inside the...

They're finding bits of it, and some of the bits are leaving their ink, their fingers a bit like, ooh, or they scared it still.

They said, you're 150 million years.

How long have I been asleep?

150 million.

Yeah, they discovered an ancient squid-like creature during a dig in Wiltshire, and most of the creature had turned to rock.

Medusa.

The Medusa effect.

It's actually said due to the Medusa effect.

Oh, whoa.

We're lucking into this one.

That's interesting.

But there was a

long ink sac inside.

Oh.

And they mixed the ink with ammonia, and the resulting liquid was good enough quality that they could draw a picture of the ancient creature using its own ink.

I hope someone does that to me when they find it.

150 million years from now.

What are they using for ink?

Ooh, well.

Sneakers.

I can think of six different fluids I offer.

Dick tricks.

Stop counting them.

Stop counting the fluids.

The artwork is effectively 150 million years old, which is three times older than the oldest known cave drawings.

The excavation leader said, I suppose we could theoretically use it for something else, too.

Any other art?

Well,

you could.

Surely it's like.

Shall we get matching tattoos?

No, cool as hell.

That is a great setup for a horror movie where you get the, and then you gradually go...

Or is it a hair I mean Amolia use it for like hair dye don't you oh no they're asking what else they could do with the ink they found yeah turn it into hair dye

do you mean at that point in time at that point in time yeah there is a no octopus found here they could make a little sign

oh put it on pasta

yes we're in clapham come on put it on pasta

Yes, Dr.

Phil Wilby said, I suppose we could theoretically use it for food colouring too, but I don't think I'll try tasting it.

I will.

Yeah.

That's rule one of science, though.

Don't put it in your mouth.

That's why I didn't become a scientist.

I'm so sorry, Mom.

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Lizzie, it is over to you for the next question.

Shelly goes into her local branch of Home Depot.

She is amused to see a boastful sign depicting seven items of sporting equipment that are similar but different.

What's funny?

And I'll tell you the first thing that's funny: they've put a pronunciation for how to say depot.

Someone's got no faith in me at all.

Someone has seen the number of times that I've read a question and then got a note from David the producer saying, No, it's not.

No, it's not.

That is not.

I've been saying home depot my whole life.

I've been saying home.

Go ahead again, please.

Okay, again.

Picture this.

Shelly goes into her local branch of Home Depot.

She is amused to see a boastful sign depicting seven items of sporting equipment that are similar but different.

Oh my gosh, can you see the card from there?

I never have to worry about this.

Fuck cares.

I hope you don't have strong glasses.

What's funny about that?

Can we do a whoopometer?

We'll do a whoopometer.

Anyone got that immediately?

Over there, don't trust.

Quick whoop.

Woo-woop.

Oh.

The whoopometer.

You don't need to invest anything in the whoop.

You don't have to prove you know.

There's whoopers out there like, sure, whoop.

So boastful, boastful, right?

So it's Home Depot Depot.

That's what I've got, pronunciation.

You can say depot, that's my word.

So they're boasting about it.

So they're like, we've got seven things like this.

Do they think it's better than a different home?

Yeah right.

It might be better than B and Quay.

Hmm.

What is it?

So

they do something better than them, like, but they're similar.

So is it like something in a place like that where you would be like a particular type of brick?

This is an air brick and a brick for stealing hubcaps.

And also, you know, the other, the other five users are.

Is it an air brick?

Yeah, an air brick.

What's an air brick?

It's got little holes in it, so it allows circulation through your house.

Come on, Ben.

I'm sorry.

I feel like the mouth thing wasn't the only reason you didn't become a scientist.

I was going to say, I feel like only one person on this panel is a homeowner.

Homemade.

And so

home meow.

I put the meow into home ownership.

So, like, Brits.

Anytime any of you see the word homeowner from now on, you're going to be like, oh, it's got meow in it.

Yeah.

Oh, it's an adorable cat house.

So what's it?

I'm just thinking of the sorts of things you get in that kind of a store where they like seven, like tubes, spheres, bricks, things that like

lots of different colours.

I'm always thinking of fishing stuff in those places.

I'm focusing in on seven.

Are they like different colours or something like that?

Oh, is it different?

Bricks for every day of the week.

Yes, yes.

They are different colours.

All the pipes of the rainbow.

Oh!

Was it like for a pride thing?

I was thinking he's boastful a pun on pride.

It's sports equipment.

Okay.

Oh, because that doesn't belong in pride.

As in, it's normally those colours, not like

they've not like got a rainbow display for pride or something like that.

No, no, no, no.

But the colours are important?

Um, yeah.

Here's the thing: sometimes I read the word sport and just completely switch off.

So I've assumed the colours are of importance.

Oh, I see.

I'm not a big snooker.

Like snooker balls.

Like snooker balls, for example.

Well.

That strikes me as like I wouldn't know whether they're important.

Maybe you wouldn't either.

But, you know, that's a good, that's a good thing to do.

So you can't.

There are seven.

Yeah, there's seven colours plus the white.

So their boastful science is like you could use our wide variety of something to play snooker with.

Ooh, not that, but a different sport.

I felt really betrayed by, ooh, no.

Yeah, you've heard of yes and welcome to.

Ooh, no.

Is this like that bit in The Simpsons where he's selling wax lips and he's like, they have a thousand uses?

And I'm like, as such, and he's like, a comical use for your own lips.

And he says, and more.

And he's like, man, need it in the basement.

Well, this sign,

we're known as snooker balls, is on something.

To like, a boastful sign is on an item.

Oh, like you could play snooker off our extremely flat green bays that we're selling for you to put in your garden.

Extra turf.

Oh, like that, but not.

You could.

Is it about that?

You could eat something off of them.

Roofing felt, you could eat your snooker.

We've gone back to mouths.

We've gone back to mouths.

We have gone back to mouths.

And eating isn't.

Our endoscopes are so clean.

But you're getting along that.

I think, work it out.

So can you, with what we know, can you tell us the question again, just for the sake of the

dragging it out?

Well,

classic Shelly, she's going into a local branch of Home Depot.

She is amused to see a boastful sign depicting seven items of sporting equipment that are similar but different.

What's funny?

So, is it seven different coloured balls of some description?

Yes.

Okay.

I could reveal Snooker was correct.

Snooker was right.

All right.

Seven Snooker balls are boasting.

That might not be 100%, but close enough and

close enough for me.

Close enough for me.

Home Depot sells so many things.

Like what?

Like, yeah.

Let's do it by department.

All right.

Let's do the entire index.

You've got the garden center.

Are they sponsoring this?

No, but they should be.

Garden Centre lumber fitting.

Lumber?

Pipes plumbing.

Oh, well there.

Is it a pun on like pool, pool balls and pool.

Oh, your pool.

Yeah, like pool cleaning.

No, no, go back to that one.

You want good before?

Plumbing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Our pipes are.

You can roll balls down our pipes.

No.

I don't know why that got a laugh, but I don't like it.

Tom, that's the closest thing you've said so far.

This plunger can pull out seven snooker balls from your toilet.

You're now the closest closest thing ever.

This toilet can flush seven snooker balls.

Yes!

You got it.

Well, I'm sorry for that.

Once?

Yeah, selling for $199

the Power Flush One Piece Glacier Bay toilet.

Are they sponsoring it?

With elongated bowl, was being promoted with the sales claim, Flush is seven billiard balls in a single flush.

They all hurt on the way out.

Take a lead!

Ready, we found the level.

We found the level.

Okay.

It's a whole new meaning to potting a ball, isn't it?

So yeah,

it depicts pool balls on the sign.

Idiots, not knowing the difference.

Another sign has been spotted saying, flushes a bucket of golf balls in a single flush.

I don't really know why they're doing this.

Well, rather that than they advertise how much human fecal matter it can get.

Yeah, it's like the sports version of the blue liquid.

There we are.

Yes, exactly.

Yeah.

Now, that lunch was $4 billion.

Well, I'm not impressed by these.

I want a toilet that flushes a bowling ball.

Then come talk to me.

Two bowling balls, six coconuts and a beach ball, depending on the size of the previous night out.

I think that someone wrote the copy and just put an L by accident at the end of Paul.

Thank you to Zach Kissim for this next question.

In 1956, Barry Larkin used a chair leg, a plum pudding can, silver paint, and some underwear.

When he gave this to Lord Mayor Pat Hills, the crowd of onlookers became angry a few minutes later.

Explain the controversy.

I'll say that again.

In 1956, Barry Larkin used a chair leg, a plum pudding can, silver paint, and some underwear.

When he gave this to Lord Mayor Pat Hills, the crowd of onlookers became angry a few minutes later.

Explain the controversy.

A quick run on the whoopometer.

Whoop.

I thought you might have this one, Beck.

I thought you might have this one.

Stuart, Lizzie, it's.

Why would Beck know this is our way?

You know?

No, Beck knows, yeah.

You work on a craft show.

Have you made this?

Oh, is it like an art attack kind of thing?

Have you been like, and this is your own thing to give to Lord Mayor...

What's his face?

They're kind of Lord Mayor Pat Hills.

Pat Hills.

Pat Hills.

Because he's a plural of me.

And my surname's Hill, for anyone who missed that, sorry.

This is, I think, something of a legendary Australian story.

I think it is.

There's some larricking behaviour here, no doubt.

So, so, okay, so a chair leg, like

that's like long and thin, but tapered.

Tapered.

Underpants and a and silver paint.

So it's like he pretended to make a robot or something, some piece of scientific equipment.

But a pudding cam, yeah?

Yep.

For weight.

Right.

The weighty pudding cam is claiming that.

For coverage.

Yes.

Yeah, and the elasticity for projectile, right?

Pants.

Yes.

He made a is it like a weapon or a scientific weapon?

Is it silver paint?

It is silver paint.

It sounds like a robot thing.

Is he

claimed to have built Australia's first robot?

Yeah.

In 1956, you know, that would be plausible.

Like, you've got the god.

Yeah, but it's it's not that.

It's not.

He was claiming something with this.

Yeah.

Yeah, whenever I claim something, I'm never without my silver paint, pants, can and table me

device.

It kind of, what are they doing in the 50s?

Well, what about something like a device, like, what would be important in Australia in the 50s?

Aliens.

Aliens, of course, yes.

Sorry.

But, like, maybe it was something like a sort of divining, you know, like Downsy or something, some sort of spurious, I can make it rain or I can predict a thing.

Oh, I thought it was like one of those detectors, like I can detect

aliens.

Why did you go for aliens for Australia in the 50s?

I don't know.

Okay, that's fine.

I just thought there was some trivia knowledge I'd missed there.

Oh, I just always assumed the 50s.

They love a bit of sport.

Just to check that I am on the right track.

Oh, no, yeah.

Is it you maybe?

Is it sport related?

It is.

Is it?

Oh, no.

It's not.

Oh, is it a trophy?

It's a trophy.

A table leg with a can on top and some silver paint.

It's not a trophy, but you're getting very close with that.

It was important that the can was short and wide.

For the base?

Like something to do with the ashes?

No.

Not for the base.

The can was short and wide.

It's a sport.

Like an Olympic torch.

Like an Olympic torch.

Oh no, they tried to set it on fire.

He did set it on fire.

He was a little bit more.

You're trying to to replace it with his own homemade Olympic torch.

Beck, I think you know this story.

Wow.

Yeah,

wasn't it like a joke?

He made his own Olympic torch and then ran and people were all cheering and applauding and taking photos.

And then about two minutes later, the actual torch arrived.

Oh, that's so good!

That's so good.

And that is an absolutely doable joke.

If anyone wants to recreate recreate that next time, they're near an Olympic torch ceremony.

Yeah, Barry Larkin was a veterinary student.

Of course he was a student, at the University of Sydney.

In 1956, he made a fake Olympic torch, preempted the actual torch runner, and gave the false torch, with the paint still wet and his underpants on fire

to the mayor of Sydney.

What I love about that is the fact that he had the burning material in the torch was his underpants really suggests that he had the idea and then immediately executed the idea.

Like, there was no prop for advance.

He was like, there it goes, hang on, yet got it.

And went for it.

Have you been a student?

Because that is basically.

How long do underpants burn for?

That's got like a mile on it most.

Depends how much kerosene you put on them.

When the actual runner arrived shortly after, the crowd became angry, and a police convoy had to clear a path for the genuine flame-bearer to get through.

Larkin had scarpered back to his university by then, where he was was given a hero's welcome.

And rightly so.

Thank you.

Beck, it is time for your question.

Okay, this question has been sent in by Kyle Sutton, who says, a café in Hanoi, Vietnam is split into two areas.

In each section, all the seats are facing the same way.

Why is it traditional to buy a bottle of the local beer there?

A cafe in Hanoi, Vietnam, is split into two areas.

In each section, all the seats are facing the same way.

Why is it traditional to buy a bottle of the local beer there?

Alright, good luck on the Wupometer for this one.

Does anyone have it?

Woo!

I think, I don't know.

I have been on holiday to

Hanoi.

And I drank a lot of beer when I was there.

And I remember some notable beer drinking times.

So I think maybe I'll like take a little back seat on this.

Unless I'm wrong,

I'll be really sad about that.

But I think I got this.

All right, Stuart, it's on me and you.

If the chairs are all facing the same, the first thought I had was that it was something to do with buying a beer for the dead, like pouring one out for the homies kind of style.

Those are two very different traditions, I feel.

No, same tradition,

different contexts.

Yeah, sure.

But death is the ultimate context, which unites us for.

Come and see my climate change show.

So I wondered whether if the seats are all facing the same way, maybe it's because opposite them is an empty seat and they're buying a beer to share with that was just a I mean no one's no one's raised an eyebrow so I'm going to disavow that cold guess.

I mean we've got to establish which way the seats are going because right now we are in a room which is divided into and the seats are pointing in different directions.

Good point, but only two different directions that way and then everyone else this way.

So if they

yeah, it was in each part they're all facing the same way, right?

I believe from the answer that the chairs are divided and all facing the division.

Does that make sense?

Is there a team?

Does it make sense?

It's a really nice feeling, isn't it?

You get to be properly smug about it.

God damn it.

Is there a death element to it?

Or am I completely buffed on the launch?

No.

No, okay.

Not unless things go horribly wrong.

I'm baffled.

You're going to have to give us a hint on this.

All right.

I mean, one of the hints is this cafe is popular with tourists.

Okay,

I just need a slightly different whoopometer for anyone who got this and has not been to that cafe or area.

That's a lot quieter, okay.

They've got Instagram.

Apparently it is quite big on Instagram.

So it's visual.

It's worth looking at.

And the chairs in one part of it are all looking the same way.

And it's, what is it?

It's customary to buy the local beer.

To buy the...

It's Hanoi beer.

Do you do something with the beer other than drink it?

Not the beer.

If we're on endoscopy again, I swear.

Do you do something with the bottle other than...

You buy the beer and drink the beer and then you participate somehow with the bottle.

It's so close.

You connected to the bottle.

It's two groups of people and it's just a bottle fight.

It's just everyone next bottle

just going in annoying.

The thing is, before we came out, Stuart was like, any show like this, what happens?

I come out on stage, I'm convinced that all I'm here to do is to make jokes and then I really get competitive.

I can see it in his eyes.

None at all.

No, no, no.

I'm throwing to you basically my system for playing this game, you might have realized, is to make loads of cold reading style guesses and then watch the face of the person who has the card.

Is it to do with death, smoke, mirrors, horses?

Anything like that?

is it two sets of tables or chairs that are facing each other like it's versus okay okay so but i i would i would go back to the the what you do with the bottle or what's connected to the bottle something at the bottom caps the caps the bottle caps

okay you flick them at each other in a sporting way

no and then they die and then it is about death

so there's something running the toilet can flush 500 of them so

that didn't deserve that.

I appreciate it.

That didn't deserve that.

You keep the bottle there.

The cafe is divided because something runs through it.

Oh, it's either going to be a river or a border.

It's got to be one of those two.

You drop it.

You drop the caps in something and they whisk away.

Or like it's a wishing well type thing where you get a lucky bottle cap in the

giant conveyor belt that just touches.

Oh, you're so close.

Really?

It's a plant for re-bottling new beer.

So you get the old bottle and you pop it on top of the new bottle.

What's the closest thing you get to a big conveyor belt-ish?

A sushi, sushi-type conveyor.

No, no, no, I meant like a conveyor.

No, like a...

Transport-wise.

What's the closest?

What did you say?

Transport-wise.

What was the first bit?

Oh, shut up!

God, I hope we had an audience, Mike, that picked up the...

Oh!

Like, I keep thinking of the beginning of Laverne and Shirley and then

Launch.

And that didn't lunch for anyone.

Later Wayne's World.

Do you remember Wayne's World where they put the glove on and they waved it off with the bottle thing?

No, no one at all.

Well, someone online will get it, and I'd like that person to email me.

Do you want to give any hints, Lizzie?

Well, when I went there,

I sat in one of those seats with a bottle of beer and waited quite a long time for something.

But I was getting more and more tired than my jet legs sitting, so I didn't get that.

So a thing happens which you can like, is it like a gopher pops up and you zing it with the bottle cap?

Is this a lot wider than you'd expect from a conveyor belt?

I, unfortunately, Stuart, I think I've got this one now.

And like, I couldn't.

Oh, just me too.

Sure, sure.

So, this one's really fun to watch you swing.

Welcome to the club, Tom.

It's wonderful here.

Um, I'm assuming this thing in the middle is quite big.

I, I, in my head, and I might be wrong here, there is a train running through this.

Correct.

There's a train going through the bar, and you get the bottle.

Can you flatten the bottle cap on the train track to take home as a souvenir?

Yes.

Yes, B!

Yeah,

that round of applause tells me I got that way too late.

No, look, here's the most grudging applause.

I was convinced I'd solved it, that you had meant to peg the bottle caps up people in the train.

That was entirely your soul, Stuart.

Yes, so the 28 Train Street Cafe is one of the famous venues that has a railway line running through the middle of it.

The chairs are oriented towards the tracks so that people can see the trains go past.

Tourists buy beer and put the metal cap on the tracks for the train to squash on its next run-through.

The flat disc reading Hanoi beer provides a memento of their visit.

So, the question submitter Kyle has been there and done this.

Lizzie, you said the train didn't come.

No,

but a parasite I left with did, so that was fun.

Oh,

what was she doing?

Should be a lovely honeymoon for both of us.

Sorry, you don't need to know about my intestinal parasite.

How did we get back to endoscopy?

I just don't, I think it's genuinely incredible to watch someone look 600 people in the eye and say, you don't need to know about my intestinal parasite, only to see every single one of them go, tell us about your intestinal parasite.

Off to Home Depot.

The sad thing is, you could just edit this out.

We could.

We're not going to.

to but now you all know

about the parasite did you give it a name uh

no you swore at it a lot of times you talk about it like it's still there

i it's definitely gone it's gone

well it's back here tonight

So the good news for the audience here is that lateral is a roughly 40 to 45 minute show.

We We record much more than that, particularly if we have guests who might be a little reticent.

What we have here is three professional comedians, so some of this will not make the edit, but I am willing to go to the shiny bonus questions.

For the listener, that was a piece of green card.

Shiny green card.

Shiny.

Thank you to Brian Devine for this question.

In 1950, Lucy found out that her husband had impregnated a movie star.

This became major news when it was reported by a TV journalist.

Lucy was extremely angry, but not at her husband.

Why?

In 1950, Lucy found out that her husband had impregnated a movie star.

This became major news when it was reported by a TV journalist.

Lucy was extremely angry, but not at her husband.

Why?

Gonna get the whoopometer?

Woo!

Just a smattering, just a smattering.

See, I have something that I thought would be a joke, but now I'm scared might be the right answer.

Okay.

Is the movie star a human person?

Oh my god!

No, it might be no.

Okay, was that a bestiality joke, or was it an artificial insemination joke?

It's a, you know, like horses have more speed.

Like, to have more movie star horses.

This is

impregnated in the sense of use the turkey based kind of thing.

Yes,

no turkey base.

Yeah, but

the suggestion that they became pregnant from this is disturbing.

I was just, yeah, was it a famous movie star horse that they were like, put this horse out to pasture.

We don't want any more movie star horses out there.

Centaurs.

That's where centaurs are.

It's not with the,

it's with our horse stuff.

Yes, I'm wondering if this tack, weird as it may seem, and I disassociate myself from it completely,

but was it to do with someone who had asked to be made pregnant?

Like not in a kind of a they'd secretly knocked them up, but like they'd very openly, like they'd use their sperm?

Lucy was absolutely fine with this.

Like she was, she was angry at the journalist.

Oh, okay.

Okay, so my answer isn't right, which was that her husband was dead.

No

I know you don't have to include journalists.

Also, you could be angry at the dead.

You don't have to wait.

But I'd be more angry at the living person.

I guess.

Pregnancy tests took a lot longer in the 1950s than they do now.

Oh.

Is it something to do with rubbish, with going through someone's rubbish?

No, it's not.

But that does tie into pregnancy tests taking a lot longer.

Didn't they used to use frogs for pregnancy tests in the olden days?

I'll lie now immediately.

Oh, God.

This journalist stole my frog.

Didn't they used to use like there's something in a frog where if like

we on the frog or bits of the frog?

In my head, I think it's rabbits or something like that.

Does anyone out there in the audience know?

It's frogs.

It's frogs.

It's frogs.

There's something in a frog that like changes when...

I think they become pregnant.

Or like they give off...

I'm going to get to lose.

They're like, no, no, I'm going to...

I'm going to cut this one off entirely.

It's...

So you had to send away for the results.

So was it Lucy?

Yes.

Lucy.

So the husband impregnated someone kind of with her blessing.

The order of events in this question is a little bit misleading.

Good then, thanks.

The order of what year is this?

1950.

A 1950s movie star?

Brando.

I think there might be some assumptions you're making about.

It's a lady movie star that was impregnated by Lucy's fellow.

Or Lucy's.

Do you know any famous Lucy's from the 1950s?

I love Lucille.

So Lucille Ball.

This was Lucille Ball of I Love Lucy.

You can flush seven Lucille Balls down there.

You should have just left.

I don't know.

Well, so Lucille Ball became pregnant.

No, no, Lucille's impregnating someone else.

Lucy is a movie star.

Yes.

That's the misleading thing, which I think you've found your way towards, is that the question's lying a little bit.

Lucy found out that her husband had impregnated a movie star.

Oh, her shot?

She's the movie star.

She is the movie star, yes.

Oh, so the journalist intercepted a pregnancy test, and that's how she found out she's pregnant.

Yes.

What a bastard sent that one in.

I mean, we have actually already said Brian Devine's name, so sorry, Brian Devine, and your tricksy use of language.

Lucy was Lucille Ball, star of I I Love Lucy.

The lab that was doing her pregnancy test leaked the results to Walter Winchell.

That's an unfortunate term.

Yes, there it is.

Deatricle.

Winchell broadcast the news immediately.

The story spread everywhere.

And Ball learned about that before she had got her own results back.

Which brings me to the question I asked at the start of the show.

In the UK, why might you see cars covered in Battenberg?

Does anyone want to take a shot at that?

We'll go for the Wupometer first.

Pretty solid there.

Any guesses?

Someone drove into a big cake.

It's the Battenberg.

It looks like the badge of a particular car, isn't it?

Like a square thing with two checked cases.

You should explain for the folks who don't know what Battenberg is, because it is a fairly British thing.

It's a type of endoscope.

No,

it's a pink and yellow cake that is assembled in sort of such that if you, and it's covered in Marzipan, I think, and it's assembled such that if you were to slice it, you get like

a check

pattern, checkerboard pattern, pink and yellow, like Mr.

Blobby.

Another bad up-to-date reference there from Goldsmith.

For anyone listening outside the UK, it is an abomination.

An abomination.

So there's a lot of people.

I worked with Blobby once.

He's an absolute gent.

Christopher, I won't hear a word said again.

It's a very funny physical performer.

Lovely man.

I hear in Blobby's contract that

when you.

What a memoir title in Blobby's contract.

When you hire Mr.

Bloppy, because he's a professional actor, he needs 10 minutes of Blobby time

before he goes on to get into the sort of mindset of Blobby.

Not to mention the suit.

Yeah, so you've got to leave him.

So if you're working on a show he's on, you're going to be like, no, it's Blobby time.

Leave the man.

That's a great question.

Then he's like, come on.

Yeah, what happens if you ignore that?

Does he is he a bit much?

This is completely unrelated to Mr.

Blobby, and I don't know how we got here.

Sorry, pink and yellow, pink and yellow.

Is it covered in cake, but it is related to that?

Is it to do with, so that bat and bow thing of like two four squares of two opposing colours, that's the badge of a particular car?

Or is that a design, a pattern, like Argyle kind of.

Yes.

Wait, the car is not physically made of cake.

The car is not physically made of cake.

Probably because of that fun Skoda advert from like the early 2000s where they made a car of cake and I was like, ingenious.

But they don't make a car from cake on the car.

Wait.

I just liked it when Lizzie said wait, so I thought I'd.

But it's very punchy.

It's good.

I always think there's a timer.

So

where might you see a car covered in Battenberg?

Was that the question?

Yes.

Is it like a chess competition?

The chess master is

a bloody king.

you are tricks

neither of you are close

that is so kindly put but

you are right that it is it is that sort of pattern on cars and you will kick yourself because you will have seen this so often oh is it

since the 1990s is it an emergency vehicle yes it is

an ambulance yep this is the pattern on police cars ambulances other emergency vehicles that checked pattern that's on all british police cars is called battenberg and if you lick it,

you go to Priz.

Yep, the police is blue and yellow.

White and orange is Mountain Rescue, yellow and green is Ambulances.

There's similar designs in other countries.

That is called Battenberg.

Is someone, is the inventor of Battenberg somehow coining it off the emergency services?

I don't know, but if so, I'm really hoping his name is Mr.

Battenberg.

He needs Battenberg time.

That is our show for today.

Thank you very much to all our players.

What's going on in your lives?

Where can people find you?

We will start with Beck.

I do a podcast with mathematician Matt Parker called A Problem Squared.

And if there's someone in this Venn diagram, I also do a hate-watch podcast about Emily in Paris.

It's called Enemy in Paris.

Stuart!

You can see me walking down Clapham High Street with my new mug.

You can find me at StuartGoldsmith.com.

I do comedy about the climate crisis and I do that for sustainability events and organisations and things like that.

And I also do the Comedians Comedian podcast, which has had far too many guests and should be killed or stopped somehow.

You can find that somewhere.

And Lizzie.

Hello.

I'm part of Degrees of Era, and we do Murder She Didn't Write and we're on tour next year.

So if you want to follow us, follow us at Degrees of Era or just follow me.

I'm at Lizzie Skippy and I post some interesting things about quiz shows I've made.

And before we go, a huge thank you to the Cheerful Earful Festival and the Clapham Grand for hosting us.

And please keep that going for producer David Bobbycomb.

To all the team here, the sound and lighting folks.

If you want to know more about this show or you want to send in an idea for a question, our website is lateralcast.com.

We are at lateralcast basically everywhere, and you can watch video highlights regularly at youtube.com/slash lateralcast.

Thank you very much to Beck Hill,

Stuart Doldsmith,

Lizzie Skipier,

our wonderful live audience.

I've been Tom Scott, and this live from London has been been Lateral.