Alex Carter: Negotiate Like a Pro, Powerful Techniques to Unlock Career and Business Growth | E99

Wow, this show is going to be incredible. So buckle up, and I'm sure you're going to enjoy it.
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Plus, it really, really helps me continue to bring amazing guests, okay? So let's dive in. I see negotiation as problem solving.
I don't sell, I problem solve. Alex Carter, she is a Wall Street Journal, bestselling author, Columbia Law professor, the go-to expert for negotiation.
Earlier on in my career, I was for everybody else, the fearless junkyard dog negotiator who would just go out and get what you needed. And when it came to me, I would hesitate.
When you get to that place where you are so rock-solid confident in your worth that you're able to say, here's the investment to work with me, and if that doesn't work for you, I understand, and you believe it. People smell that on you.
Negotiation does not start with the numbers. It starts with using your words to teach people how to think about you

and the value you bring long before you get to the number.

These are the questions that research shows

make people the their own. on how to ask for more.
Highly recommend. Check it out.
It was seen by over a million people. She built a career helping people own their voice and ask for more, which is so, so, so important.
Alex, you also say negotiation isn't just for the boardroom, it's for life. I'm so glad that you're here today.
Oh, Ilana, thank you for having me. I'm so excited for the conversation.
It's gonna be incredible, but I I want you to take us back in time to Alex the Kid, how you grew up, where did you grow up, how were you as a kid? Were you like this assertive, like, I can negotiate anything in life? So interesting. I think people, Ilana, often assume that I came out of the womb asking for more, right? That I felt so confident from a very early age, always to get what I needed and to use my voice.
And the truth is that actually, as a younger kid, I was quite shy, especially in school or outside the home. I was really into reading, really into academics, but I often felt as though in larger groups, I wasn't speaking up as much.
And then I remember the moment in eighth grade that they started introducing us to speech and debate. And that's when I figured out that when I had something substantive to say, I felt very comfortable getting up, speaking on my feet, and saying it to an audience of any size.
And that was a really interesting lesson for me. Really knowing more about what I was interested in substantively helped me find my feet and my confidence.
It makes me think about your audience, right, of entrepreneurs and folks who, when you get on your topic or your mission, all of a sudden, you're unstoppable and you have something to say. And later on, Ilana, I found that I started getting more comfortable using my negotiation skills for other people.
We can get into this, but earlier on in my career, really, I was for everybody else, the fearless, junkyard dog negotiator who would just go out and get what you needed. And when it came to me, sometimes I would hesitate.
I want to go there in a second because I think that selling yourself, selling your value, negotiating, we'll talk about it because you don't call it selling for a good reason, but selling yourself, selling your value slash negotiating, I'm saying what people perceive of the words. You're going to correct that.
But the way it's looking right now, people hesitate, right? It's scary. I don't want to push.
I don't want to be the person that rubs them in the wrong way, the rock of the boat. So we'll talk about this.
But I would love to understand, and I think you said something beautifully, that when you find your voice, you are so much more in power and empowered to actually speak up, right? Which I think is so, so, so important. But I do want to challenge you for a second because when you didn't know if you have your voice, why did you go to debate? Why did you go in high school to some kind of public speaking team? How did you push yourself? Did somebody else push you? What was it? The answer is no, I pushed myself.
And initially, I pushed myself because I thought it would be a challenge. So one thing that I have to say that I've always been good at is putting myself forward for a challenge.
So whether that was in eighth grade deciding, I am going to enter this speech and debate contest, and maybe it's going to be difficult, but this is going to be good for me. Or in college when I arrived and I felt so shy about meeting people and I thought to myself, I'm going to run for student government and I'm going to knock on every door in the freshman class and ask people for their vote.
And Ilana, I would knock on every door, go into the bathroom, cry, wash my face, and then go to the next floor and knock on every door there.

And so it was a bit of maybe taking a leap and saying, this is something that I think I can do deep down.

And it might be a challenge, but I'm going to push myself, bet on myself, and see what happens.

Do you think something in your childhood brought this kind of resilience for you? but I'm going to push myself, bet on myself, and see what happens.

Do you think something in your childhood brought this kind of resilience for you? I do. You know, I had some difficult times as a child.
My parents went through a really rough divorce, and I remember in particular looking at my mom and how she was feeling. And, you know, at times in court, it felt like she was at a real disadvantage.
And I was there in court as a child, sometimes watching it happen. And I remember telling myself, this is not going to be me.
I'm going to equip myself to make sure that I am empowered and I can always speak up for my own interests. My mother put us first, her children, for many years.
And I'm fortunate now to be in a time where I am the mother of a teenager, right? I am the wife of a wonderful person who supports me. And also, I am very empowered in my career.
And I go out and I show my daughter that you can do both. By the way, we share that story.
So my parents got a divorce at age 15. But that's now it ties to white law, right? I mean, that suddenly became your mission.
Oh, my God, that's so strong. So tell us, Alex.
Yes. So interestingly, I am the child of a lawyer and a teacher.
So here I am now as a law professor. You know, I looked back on that many years later and just laughed to myself like, boy, was that my biological destiny here, my genetic destiny.
I absolutely love law teaching. It's wonderful.
But in my work at Columbia, because I have both a day job and I'm an entrepreneur, as you know, and in my work at Columbia, I'm a law professor, but I teach mediation. Mediation is the art and science of helping people to negotiate and resolve disputes outside of court.
And so amazing that I became a lawyer in part because I said to myself, I will not be taken advantage of. And yet I found myself to the place where creativity, psychology, and healing meet the law and where people can take agency and find their voice to settle their disputes before it goes to a judge.
And you did have initially, your work involved a lot of mediations and tough cases and researching conflict resolution, right? And that gave you a lot of great muscle and valuable skills. What are they? How do you see it today? And how do you use that all the time now? Oh, every day, Ilana.
I mean, I learned mediation before I studied negotiation. And the result of that is that by the time I was studying negotiation, I was oriented toward how can I use my words to bring people together? How can I think about what the person across from me needs? What's motivating them? What's keeping them up at night? What are the words I hear them using over and over again that seem to have meaning to them? And how can I frame what I'm asking for in a way that hits those words for them? And so it was 20 years almost as a mediator helping thousands of people in it with them, helping them to negotiate some of the biggest, thorniest, highest stakes disputes that I realized there's another way to do this.
And it's a way that I don't see represented in movies or TV, and I don't even see represented in the books that are out there. So I had to take my own leap at a time when I thought, can I really write a book? The other people in this field who are writing books are all much older than I am.
Many of them are men with law enforcement experience. And I decided to take that leap because I thought, if I don't see this approach out there, if I believe there's a hole in the market, there have to be people waiting for this book that I have inside of me.
So I decided to take that 20 years of experience and knowledge and research and put it into a framework that I knew people could use to make their lives better. Brian, I love that.
And in your book, and we'll talk a lot more about it, as for more, there's a ton of brilliant things. And I think every single person that is listening to this needs to hear it because yes, negotiation is everywhere.
And what I love that you say is don't request recruit. And I think this is such a different way of looking at negotiation because you're not trying, listen to me, listen to me, I deserve more because I worked really hard in many hours and because that's not relevant.
Nobody's going to pay you for so many hours, but you can recruit them to understand that they want to pay you more because it's an incredible win-win. And I think the way you're positioning it is so beautiful.
Right before that, though, you needed to move to teaching, right? Negotiation, etc. And I believe you almost didn't apply.
Is that true? That is correct. So you hear those studies about how some folks, especially women, but it could be other people, don't apply to a job unless they feel they meet 100% of the job description.
And so even though I had been invited to apply and encouraged to apply, I looked at the application and all I saw was what I didn't have initially. And I have to say, it took a couple of people close to me to say, sit down, you can do this.
And so when I wrote that application, I focused on what I did have. I knew I was gonna be one of the youngest and least experienced people in the pool.
I applied for a full-time law teaching job when I had no law teaching experience. But what I did have was substantial experience teaching in other contexts.
What I did have was that I had been through the program as a student, and so I felt I was closer to what the students needed and would be looking for, and I would know how to craft a curriculum for them. And I flat out told people when they interviewed, if you're looking for the most experienced person in the pool who's going to lead your program for the next 10 to 15 years before they retire, I'm not that person.
If you are looking for somebody with vision and energy and a lot of ideas who could take your program to the next level for 30 years and beyond, I'm who you want. And the committee decided that's what they wanted.
So truly, I always tell people, bet on yourself, start with what you have. And now since then, I've taken a number of leaps where people called me and said, can you do this? And I had never done it before.
And I thought to myself, yes, I can. And so I went ahead and did it.
You're never going to be perfectly ready. It's never realistic because as high achiever, you're always pushing yourself a little beyond when you're really ready, but you're bringing that conviction of why it will work versus why it won't.
And I think that's just beautiful. And you share a lot around how do you decide to go even if you're not ready? And how do you push through that? And I just love that, right? I think you did it also with a clinic in Columbia, a negotiation clinic.
You've done it with a UN. I want to talk about it for a little bit.
So you've done it again and again, even though you're never going to tick all the boxes. It's just not realistic.
No, it's not realistic for anyone. And I'll tell you now, as somebody who hires people, I interview potential professors for positions.
One of the things I'm looking for is somebody who's clear on what they have left to learn. How do they want to grow? What are the skill sets and the competencies they want to develop? And far from showing a lack of confidence, to me, that is the most confident person in the pool because they're coming in clearly understanding their expertise and also with the comfort and the command to be able to say, and here's where I want to grow.
Because as you said, top performers are always looking to grow. The most dangerous person for me in a pool of applicants is the person who says, I know it all.
No, you don't. You alluded to something in the beginning, and I want to bring that back for a second, because I think you said something along the line, I was so good at negotiation for everybody else except for me.
That is so, so, so common. And I assume that's also part of what made negotiations such a big passion for you.
Yes. I, early on in my career, was in a bunch of roles where things were mostly lockstep.
So working for really large investment banks or law firms or places where your compensation is pretty much determined by your seniority and that's it. And I remember the moment that I then had to really advocate for myself.
And I found myself being unexpectedly nervous, even more so when I went in and I got an offer that was a little bit above what I was expecting. And now I know I just got bad information.
But back then I had this internal crisis, right? You know, right? That if they come in above, there's a reason for that. So I get this offer, and internally, I feel myself at war with myself saying,

maybe I should just accept this.

This is a good offer.

It's more than I thought.

Am I going to look not collaborative?

Am I going to turn them off?

But I had just enough sense to say, thank you.

I'm going to run my numbers.

I'll come back to you. And that's when I called a senior woman in my field.
And I said, what advice do you have for me? Candidly, this is the offer. She said, I'm going to tell you what to do, Alex.
You're going to get back in there and you're going to ask for more. And here's why.
When you teach someone how to value you, you're teaching them how to value all of us. You are normalizing negotiation.
And so if you're not going to do it for yourself, I want you to do it for the person who's coming after you. And that was the moment, Ilana, that I thought, oh, no, now I have to negotiate all the time because I think of myself as a collaboration-oriented person.
I want to create more for other people in the course of creating more for myself. And up until that moment, I thought, if I ask for more, somebody else gets less.
But it is not true. I realized that when I put myself in rooms, I am then in a position to help the next person and to normalize what it's like.
These days, occasionally I hear about somebody who's in my field, my line of work as an author and a speaker who is underselling themselves. And I will sometimes, if I know that person, reach out and say, please value yourself and raise your prices to the level of your value and know that when you are doing it, you are helping everybody in our industry elevate.
Ilana, this is an issue in some sectors more than others, but truly, when you ask for more, not only do you help other entrepreneurs or other people who are job seekers, but if you're an entrepreneur, you help your client. Hear me out.
Everybody on this podcast, perhaps listening now, has had the experience of underselling themselves. You undercharged, you maybe didn't define clear boundaries.
You ended up overgiving. And how did you feel? You felt burnt out.
You felt resentful. Was your client getting the best of you? No, they were not, right? And I always say to people, if you undersold, there's no need to harsh on ourselves.
You conducted an experiment. You experimented in what it was like

to sell yourself at that level.

And now we know the results of that experiment are

you're overbooked and you're overwhelmed and resentful.

When you fully value yourself,

your client gets the best version of you

and that's what they deserve.

I so agree with that. And it's true in corporates as well.
They will get you more motivated, more inspired, more empowered, et cetera, et cetera, because I think one of the things people don't understand, and I love that you just said that, people will treat you the way you are perceived to be treated, and people will pay you what you believe you're worth. So at that point, you just need to build that conviction of what it actually worth.
And by the way, some people can't afford you. That is okay too.
Yes. And then when you get to that place where you are so rock solid confident in your worth that you're able to say, here's the investment to work with me either as an entrepreneur, or here's what the investment is to bring me onto your team in corporate.
And if that doesn't work for you, I understand. And you believe it.
People smell that on you. The day that I walked into meetings and I thought to myself, if this works, great.
If it doesn't work, somebody else is to want me for exactly what it is that I'm

offering.

That's when my close rate went way up.

Last thing I'll say about corporate, if you're interviewing for a management or senior executive

position, when you negotiate for yourself, you are showing them what kind of negotiator

you will be for them.

This is amazing.

So let me take you there for a second. So you work with global leaders, Fortune 100, UN.
Take us back in time to the first big client and opportunity because I think one of the things, Alex, that is taking a lot of fear and doubt for our listeners is how do I make that first step? How do I get the first clients in the door? How do I leap initially? Or whether it's to a new industry or to entrepreneurship or to executive, it doesn't matter. But the initial is just so scary and fear can be numbing.
How did you get the first clients? So as an entrepreneur, as a speaker, and by the way, Ilana, my speaking career really came even before the book. It's part of what made the book possible for me, even though I had almost no social media and no website of my own.
I landed a large book deal based on the strength of my speaking portfolio. But it all started around 2012, when the truth is that I had a young daughter at home who was born with a couple of medical problems that I knew it was going to take a large investment for us to really treat.
And I had just taken a job as a professor recently, and I was making less than I was as a lawyer in private practice. And I thought, how am I going to do this? I'm going to go out as a keynote speaker.
And so all I did was start telling people in my circle that I was a keynote speaker. I'd done a couple of workshops, but I've never done a keynote.
And lo and behold, somebody saw a post either that I made or my husband made on Facebook. It was the father of one of my daughter's little toddler friends.
And he called me up, worked at a major company and said, so do you do keynote speaking? And I said, absolutely. And we ended up negotiating.
And I got in front of 100 of the top leaders at this company for a conference. Now, it was interesting, Ilana, because they hadn't budgeted a lot for a speaker.
So I did negotiate with them. I had a sense of what I should be paid.
They had less than that. And I thought to myself, okay, what else can I do to get value out of this event? So I asked them a couple of questions.
I said, tell me how you're documenting the event. And they said, we're having a professional photographer and videographer.
And I said, okay, tell me who's gonna be at the event. And they told me all the managing directors who were gonna be there.
And I said, fine, okay. I'm gonna do this slightly below market for the max you've told me you can offer me.
Plus, I want a certain number of digital photos of me in front of your company's logo that I have permission to use for my speaking portfolio. And if I blow the doors off it, like I'm confident I'm going to, I'd like to have several high-level managing director people be references for me for other future clients.
I went on, Ilana, from that one gig, okay, where I got up there and for a second I thought, oh my God, what am I doing? I'm in front of like these very senior people. Then I thought, okay, I'm just going to do what I know I can do.
Blew the doors off it. I ended up over the next few years going on to make like 20 to 25 times what I did in that one engagement just from referrals, referrals, referrals, referrals, and I built from there.
So it started with taking a leap. It started with betting on myself, but I also brought a really high level of excellence to every job I did, and I treated it, I treated the keynote like a negotiation because I see negotiation as problem solving.
I don't sell, I problem solve. I serve people.
And I tried to serve each one of my clients at a really high level because I knew that then somebody else was going to pick up the phone and call me. And that's what happened.
For everybody listening, first of all, I want to iterate the hidden market, right? One of the big things that we say in Leap Academy is that every great opportunity you ever going to get is going to happen from the hidden market. It's not in the job board.
It's really who knows you, who thinks about you when you're not in the room, who's going to bring this opportunity for you. Alec, this is classic, right?

I mean, they've seen you, they whatever, right?

And again, you need to be top of mind.

Otherwise, who's going to see you, right?

That's how they reach out to you.

But also, I love, and you have it also in the book, there's other things you can negotiate.

It's not only money.

In this case, it was whatever, success stories, leads, media, because now you can use it for your website, for your reels. It's just so powerful because there's other things that you can negotiate and you look at it as problem solving, which is so brilliant.

Talk to us a little bit more about our listeners.

This will be really impactful for them because they might need to negotiate a job, a paternity or a role.

What are some of the tools?

And you have some amazing tips in your book, Ask for More. What are some of the biggest advice that you would give to some of these people? The place that I started for business development is the same place I start in negotiation.
I sit down and I ask myself, what's the problem I want to solve? Most of negotiation success, and if you're in a company, most of your innovation success is really about picking the right problem to solve. That is where most innovation happens or doesn't.
And so I started thinking about what are the problems out there that I know I can help people solve that aren't being solved yet.

And so I started thinking specifically about people in relationship-oriented businesses and how I knew that I had an approach to negotiation that simultaneously was going to help people build stronger relationships and maintain those relationships, even as they were making more money in the process. And so I started thinking about, okay, who's in the relationship business? I mean, spoiler alert, Ilana, most people are, which is the reason, right, that business has been quite good.
But I started thinking about, and within different industries, what are problems that I could help people solve? For example, in certain industries, it could be tech, it could be insurance. There's been a lot of M&A activity.
And so part of the problem people want to solve is thinking about how do we harness all of the new power under our roof? How do we negotiate together for the best business development results? How do we tell the story of our new company in a way that induces people to work with us? And so whatever it is for every industry, I'm always going back to the problem I want to solve. And that is one of the first questions I ask clients or potential clients on the phone.
I want them to tell me about their business. I also, Ilana, want the individual to tell me about themselves.
Because, Ilana, if you are the executive at the company that I'm negotiating with, I don't just want to help your company. I want to think about how I can help you.
Where are you looking to go in your career? What do you want to show on your next performance review? And how can I, in the context of working together, help you towards your career goals while we're also just crushing it for the company. So always, always starting with the problem we wanna solve.
If you're feeling stuck, underpaid or unappreciated, or you're simply ready to take your career and life to the next level, I have the perfect solution for you. We have a program that helps you fast track and leap your reputation and career, become the best version of yourself.
Get the dream role you deserve, move up to leadership, jump to entrepreneurship, or even build a portfolio career. This program helps hundreds a year and it will help you gain the income, influence, and impact that will transform the second part of your life.
Watch our free training today at leapacademy.com slash free hyphen training. The link is in the show notes.
Now back to the show. Let's give them little nuggets.
So if I'm, I don't know, an executive that wants to get a promotion, what do I say to my boss? Hi, I'm working really hard. Can you give me a promotion? Probably not.
So let me tell you there. Let's take that as an example.
I'm working really hard. Can you give me a promotion? I want to talk about two issues with that.
The first is I'm working really hard. What are the problems that your boss needs to solve in the company? What are the problems that the company is needing to solve? And how are you being impactful already in solving those problems? This is why we start with the problem we want to solve, because then I'm leading that conversation by saying, Ilan, I'm so glad to sit down.
I wanted to thank you for your support and mentorship, and to say, I'm so excited to show you these results over the last year that show we're making significant progress toward that major goal that we've set as a company and as a division. Okay.
So that's the first piece of it. Then the second is, I love the question you asked.
A lot of people would ask this something like, can I get a promotion or is it in the cards this year for me to get a promotion? Those questions, there's a major issue. The issue is you've asked a yes or no question.
Can I get a raise or can I get a promotion is a yes or no question. And when you ask a yes or no question, what is the easiest answer for somebody to give you? No.
No. So instead, I like people to ask questions and I have three magic ways that you can formulate what I call an open or a diagnostic question.
These are the questions that research shows make people the most money and they compel someone to give you a lot of information. So instead, you should be asking what, how, and my favorite two magic words, tell me, okay? So Ilana, what are the criteria for promotion? Or Ilana, what is the process for promotion this year? How, Ilana, how can we work together to make the case? How can I help you with data or other evidence to show that this is the year I'm going to be promoted? And finally, it could be, tell me when the next time is that we should have this conversation.
Tell me the format you'd like me to put together this information and tell me who else is involved in the decision that I might want to speak to. Tell me about the process.
Those are questions that show command, they show leadership, they show collaboration, and they're impossible to say no to. Whoosh! That was so, so, so powerful.
Listeners, I want to make sure that you understand it. Every single thing Alex said is from the eyes of the person she's talking to, right? It's not about you.
It's about them. It's about making them successful and how it's the win-win.
And what I love about what you say, Alex, is also how you steer the conversation, how you create that curiosity, ask a lot of questions. But you also say something really, really fundamental in your book and your TEDx, and you're actually taking them back and saying, it all starts way before the negotiation, and it actually starts with you, because it's so true, right? We take ourselves out of the race way ahead of time.
Yes. The first half of Ask for More is the section that I call the mirror.
And this is the section where we start the negotiation. Most of the time, people think negotiation starts from the moment that you and I are sitting down together and talking about my request for a promotion.
But it doesn't. Negotiation starts at home with you, with that individual person and looking in the metaphorical mirror to ask yourself a few great questions so that you can go into that negotiation with the other person from a place of total clarity, total confidence, total command.
So what does that look like? When I sit down with myself, I'm asking myself a few questions. First of all, I'm thinking about, okay, what's the problem I want to solve in what I'm about to ask Ilana for? Maybe I'm asking for this promotion because I want to show Ilana that I'm on a trajectory for the top.
This promotion is part of where I want to go for the company. Maybe I want this promotion because I know it's gonna expose me to types of clients or different types of leaders that are gonna help me grow.
Maybe I want this promotion because I realized that that management team is lacking somebody with the skillset that I bring to the table. So all of that stuff helps you.
Next, I would ask myself, what do I need? This is so important, and I call this, Ilana, the needs audit. I want to sit down and ask myself, what are all the things I need in order to not just survive, but to thrive in my career? And I have people put them into two buckets.
There's the tangibles, right? The things you can quantify, touch, see, or count. That might be my base compensation, my bonus, if there's any stock.
But beyond that, what's my title? What are the resources attached to this position? What's my head count? All of those different tangible buckets. But I don't stop there.
I want each person also to think about what are the intangibles that I'm looking for, those values that make me feel fulfilled, that make my job life worth living, a place I want to stay. If you've ever been in a job or a role where it was right on paper and felt deeply wrong in your guts,

we've all been there.

That is a sign that you've got some intangibles that are missing.

So think things like,

I need challenge or I need autonomy.

I need respect.

And then thinking for yourself,

what would challenge look like for me in a role?

What would autonomy or freedom look like for me?

And in the context of that,

you are gonna have such a complete list of needs

that then when you're presented with offers,

you are gonna feel rock solid confidence

about what works for you and what doesn't

because you're already there.

The last thing I'll say, Ilana,

that I think is really, really important

Thank you. solid confidence about what works for you and what doesn't because you're already there.
The last thing I'll say, Ilana, that I think is really, really important, especially for people who might be lacking confidence or might be nervous going into this negotiation, I like you to ask yourself a really powerful question. It's how have I handled something like this successfully in the past? Because too often I find that even really credentialed brilliant professionals go in thinking, oh God, last time this didn't work or here's what I did wrong.
And research actually shows that if you go in having thought about and written down a time when you did something similar successfully, not only is it like a power prime on your brain, so you're automatically feeling more powerful, more creative, more flexible, but it's data. It's gonna tell you, when you write that down, Ilana, you're gonna be reminded of who you are at your best as a negotiator.
What are your best strategies? What are your best qualities? What can you lean into to be successful? And I've seen this question more than any other break through those psychological barriers and have people go forth and get what they need. Oh, I love that, Alex.
Oh my God, that was like slam dunk. You're actually nicer to your audience because we asked them to do the 50 reasons.
So if 50 is 50 reasons, why you, why this, why now? It's like all the skills, all your connections, all the conviction, almost like a brag bank, like all the reasons why you're going to be super fundamental for that, because you're just going to show up so differently. And I absolutely agree with you because it all starts with you.
But let me take you there because I know some of our listeners will say, well, but maybe it's relevant for promotion. But if I'm landing a job, I don't want to rub them in the wrong way.
And I don't want them to hate me right off the bat. And I don't want them to think that I'm slimy.
How do I negotiate at that point? Okay, so what I want you to know, first of all, is that the default is people expect you to negotiate. Even during the height of the pandemic, Ilana, I remember speaking to lots of hiring managers who were saying, I have at least 10% more and no one's asking for it.
So first of all, I would say default is people expect you to negotiate. Even with more salary transparency laws now in the U.S., there are laws in certain jurisdictions that say the band for this position is X to Y.
Even within there, there's room to make the case for why you're at the top of the band. Okay.
So I like to start, remember, negotiation does not start with the numbers. It starts with your messages.
It starts with using your words to teach people how to think about you and the value you bring long before you get to the numbers. So from the beginning, instead of just pitching myself, I'm asking the manager, tell me about the company.
Tell me about the challenges. Tell me about the opportunities you're seeing.
I might even ask, you know, tell me the last superstar you hired and what made that person so effective. And in the course of asking all of these questions, I'm then in a position when we get to negotiation to say, you've said you're looking for this.
You want somebody who can make an impact in this way. People who outperform at your company have these skill sets and we are a perfect match.
And I'm very excited about this opportunity. And what I want to know is, my research about the market tells me the band is here.
What can we do together? And how can I help you make the case for moving the comp to the place where market is for this position? So perfectly collaborative, right? And I have to tell you, Ilana, a lot of people think, what if they pull the offer? If they pull the offer, then that is a giant red flag about the organization. If you are negotiating collaboratively, if you are asking those questions, if you're doing your homework, like I know everybody on this podcast is, and they say, oh, you negotiated, consider yourself lucky and move to the place that's meant for you.
You just dodged a bullet. And I agree.
Oh, my God. Like this episode is full of gold.
Listeners, if this is helpful, do share it with others that need to hear it. But I will say, Alex, I think one of the key things that at least I find, I wonder what you're going to say, is always negotiate if you can face to face or in some kind of a Zoom or in some kind of a conversation, not through emails.
I've seen a lot of cases where wording just gets off the wrong areas and not really adjusted. Like people don't understand it well enough.
So whenever possible, try to say, oh, my God, I want to work with you. I'm really excited about this opportunity.
Yes, I want to talk about some things. Can we hop on a call? So whenever we can, steer it towards a conversation because I think the conversation makes it a thousand percent easier to negotiate and to speak your truth and to also understand how they're seeing it, looking in their eyes, you know, and kind of adjusting.
What do you think, Alex? Yes, especially if you're going to have an ongoing working relationship going forward. I love to do either face-to-face or on a virtual platform where I can see the person because everything is data.
The body language is data. The tone of the voice.
Do you know research shows actually that most of our emotion is carried through our voice. And so if you are attuned to little changes in people's voices, you might have a clue as to what's on their mind.
I like to look at their facial expression. I like to look at what people have in their background.

There have been times I'm negotiating with folks,

and I might look and say, are those birthday balloons in the background?

And somebody says, yes,

actually, my granddaughter just had a birthday.

We are off to the races.

We start talking.

In negotiation, there is no small talk.

It's all important.

It's all building relationships.

And in my background, there are things

Thank you. we start talking.
In negotiation, there is no small talk. It's all important.
It's all building relationships. And, you know, in my background, there are things, especially if you have a wider screen, that tell you a bit about who I am and what I value.
And I think all of that is really important. I would say there are instances where sometimes negotiating over email can be helpful.
If you think it's going to be very emotionally charged and that you're going to be able to put your points more linearly and say things the way you want to say them with space to do so, email can be good. I've counseled a number of people who are negotiating severance who felt like it was too much to be on the phone or on Zoom with someone.

And email allowed there to be some distance, right, so that you could take a pause and really think about how to put your best foot forward, right?

So most of the time, big fan, like you said, of the in-person or face-to-face, there are

times when email can be very useful.

That's super interesting for me to hear.

I think that's Israeli, I'm a little too blunt in emails. I should probably do it.
I have to tell you, can I just say, one of the fascinating things I find about negotiation is how different it can be jurisdiction to jurisdiction. And so this very successful German entrepreneur I know said, Alex, I just have a way of putting things sometimes that is not conducive to negotiation.
She actually writes up the email and then puts it into an AI tool and says, do the following things to this. And she said, so they massage some of my language and then I'm able to send that out and not sound like I'm quite so strident.
So there are lots of tools out there now for you to put your best foot forward, but it's all still a lesson to your global audience. Know who you're negotiating with.
I've worked with a number of Israeli professionals, and I'm originally from New York. We are both delightfully direct, right? And there's something that's wonderful about that.
When I negotiate in other jurisdictions, like maybe in certain East Asian jurisdictions or certain African jurisdictions, so different people are a little bit more indirect. And so I have to think about not that my way should always be right, but how can I negotiate in a way that's going to feel appropriate for that person and they're going to be able to hear me.
Alex, I love, love, love, love, love this. What are some challenges that maybe you went through as sort of an entrepreneur that you feel sharing will actually really help our audience? Some of the problems I went through initially counting myself out because looking at the market out there and saying, well, maybe, honestly, I'm a woman in a male-dominated field and I'm'm a little younger.
I'm not that young, Ilana. I cover my gray hair.
But I'm still a little bit younger than perhaps your average negotiation keynote speaker out there. And knowing that what makes you different is actually your market differentiator.
It's your greatest advantage. And so one of the challenges I went through initially was looking out there and counting myself out when really people needed me.
And it was just a matter of finding the people for whom I was a match. And it turns out there were a lot of those people.
So that was one of my psychological hurdles initially. Second challenge I would say, and let me be transparent on this, was pricing.
Sometimes in certain industries, there's not a lot of transparency for entrepreneurs about what people charge. And here is where I found building relationships to be so important, because I was coming from academia.
Academia, the pay scale for speaking engagements is totally different than it is in the private sector. And through building relationships, I realized that I was underselling myself.
So it took me having relationships where I could call people and say, I just need to ask you directly, what are you charging? And what are you seeing out there? And now I have a community of people where people reach out to me and say, I saw you worked for such and such a client. Do you mind telling me what you charged them?

And I will share information

because this way we can all help each other

make it a little bit more transparent.

Ooh, I love that.

You know, the last challenge I had, Ilana,

was one that I imagine many of your earlier stage

entrepreneurs or founders have

where I was doing it all myself, right?

And I thought to myself,

I got here because I did it myself and that's the way it has to be. And then I had a student in my class who unbelievably changed the whole way I thought about entrepreneurship.
This was a very wise student who'd been practicing already. And he said to me, Professor, I have a mantra.
It's only do what only you can do. And I remember thinking, first of all, what a powerful statement about where you should go in your entrepreneurship.
Where is it that only you can make an impact, right? What are the areas where other people can make an impact? What are the areas where you can make an impact? But it also helped me delegate because I started thinking about over the course of a week, what are the things that only I can do? And everything else is an opportunity for someone else, right? It's an opportunity for somebody else to grow in their career, for somebody else to operate in their zone of genius. And these days, now, I have a number of people who work with me, both who support me in Ask for More, but also a number of other trainers because I was saying no to certain opportunities because I was booked or the pricing didn't work.
And I thought to myself, it's time to bring people on and open up the opportunity so that I'm doing the things only I can do and everything else is a growth opportunity for someone. I look at it a little different and it's so aligned.
So I just love that because I love putting a little bit of a number on your time. And to me, if we're growing, I'm at Leap Academy, for example.
So we're one of the fastest growing companies now in America. But if we're looking at, okay, how do you get to 20 million, right? So if I'm going backwards, all I'm saying, I need to say, okay, every hour is roughly 10K-ish.
It sounds a lot. But every task that I'm doing that is not moving us to that scale is a waste.
And now I can start looking at my time and saying, great, so who can take the things that are worth whatever, $10, $100, $1,000, right? I'm going to need to delegate them. Yes, and by the way, Ilana, people are not paying $10,000 for an hour of your time.
They're paying $10, dollars for a lifetime of experience that allows you within one hour to deliver that much value or much more. That's what they're paying for.
They're paying for the value, the sum total of your life's work, the impact of that. And I love that.
And again, if you're in speaking and for all of you listeners that you want to create this portfolio career with speaking and advising and board seats and all these beautiful things that are exist now in the world, like if I'm a CEO, you know, of a billion dollar company and I want to get my sales team just a little more motivated. And I believe that Alex will help them or somebody else will help them, right? Like even just by 1%, this is already worth a million dollars to me.
So $10,000, $20,000, it's irrelevant. So yes, they want to pay you for the outcome of the results that you're delivering.
And I'll say that to clients too and say, if this is a big success, what does that look like six months or a year from now in your business? And then when they tell me it looks like, you know, we're developing more business, then my fee, which by the way is higher than the numbers you've mentioned, but you know, and I've grown now to the place where I think about what's the number that's going to make me thrilled to get on this plane and show up for this client and give them 110% of my time and energy and my wisdom and life's work, it's more. But if just one person in that audience, just one, takes what I said and lands one deal, my fee is a rounding error, right? And so this is an easy value proposition, and it makes me feel so confident selling because I know we can work together and help you.

Ah, I love that. And I love your conviction.
I love everything about this episode. Alec, this is amazing.
Maybe one advice to your younger self, you know, what do you wish you knew way earlier in your career? I really wish I had known that who I am is more than enough. I think like a lot of perfectionists, I always think about, well, I did that yesterday.
What have I done today? Every day I wake up and I think I'm behind who I am. I don't need to be someone else.
I am really powerful as I am. Just like every single person in this audience, you are powerful just as you are.
And I used to have a bit of, I hate this term, imposter syndrome. I just like to think of it as your psyche hasn't caught up to your accomplishments.
But I used to think that going out and saying who I was and being confident about that was bragging. And now I know better because when I stand up and talk about who I am and what I can bring to the table, I open up opportunities to serve people.
And so I want people to know on this podcast that there are people out there waiting for you right now. And they're waiting for something that nobody else but you can give them.
And so when you stand up, when you believe in that, when you use your voice, when you know that who you are is more than enough, you open up an opportunity to serve the people who are waiting for you. And if you're listening to this and you're getting any value from it at all, know the only reason you're hearing me is that I took the leap a number of years ago and I wrote a book proposal in which I said, Alex Carter is the world's leading negotiation trainer to the United Nations, Fortune 500 companies and organizations around the world.
And I cringed as I wrote it, but I did write it and I put it in there. And now as a result, we're speaking together.
So get out there. Don't make people wait any longer and serve the folks who are waiting for you.
Wow. That was powerful.
Alex, everybody listening, first of all, I hope you enjoyed it.

Let us know.

And I want you to shine your light.

I want you to find that voice.

Somebody in the world needs to hear it. So let's go get it.
I love that, Alex. Thank you for the brilliant conversation.
Thank you for having me. I I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did.

If you did, please share it with friends.

Now, also, if you're feeling stuck

or simply want more from your own career,

watch this 30-minute free training

at leapacademy.com slash training.

That's leapacademy.com slash training.

See you in the next episode of the Leap Academy

with Zilana Gulancho.