A Holiday Season Message for Our Dear Listeners

Speaker 1 With the holidays on the horizon, many of us are thinking of those we love and the perfect gift to bring a smile to their faces.

Speaker 1 You've tried socks for your dad, novelty mugs for your coworker, that protein powder that makes you explosively shit yourself for your gym bro.

Speaker 1 Buying the right gift for the people you care about can be a minefield, and we here at the Lines Led by Donkeys podcast are here to help.

Speaker 1 Remember when you moved into your new apartment and your friend Amet gave you that tasteful ottoman in the shape of a moon three years ago?

Speaker 1 Sure, that was a nice gesture, but the threatening aura it emanates when an Armenian is in the room doesn't really work with the feng shui of your life.

Speaker 1 Look, I get that it was a gift, I really do, but whenever I walk into the room, I feel it looking at me and I swear to God, it has a face when I put my feet on it. Or

Speaker 1 Yeah, okay, I get it. With the context of how he spent the 1980s, maybe a little misjudged.
But the sizing was perfect, and that's hard to do when you're buying something on eBay.

Speaker 1 to be looking at that thing in my wardrobe. Can you return it for store credit or something? I don't know.
All right, just look, look, look, just say it to him, let him know.

Speaker 1 All right, bye-bye, bye, bye-bye, bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Speaker 1 There was that time your mother tried to very subtly tell you that maybe you should spend less time trying to fix vintage modular synths and spend more time focusing on your career.

Speaker 1 And she did it by handing you a beautifully wrapped copy of Stephen Bartlett's Diary of a CEO on Christmas morning. Was it a nice gesture by someone who loves you and worries about your future?

Speaker 1 Absolutely. But it made asking for extra cranberry sauce at dinner a little awkward.
This year, why not try something different?

Speaker 1 Why not give a gift that keeps on giving? The gift of knowledge? The gift of history. Let them liven up their work Christmas parties by telling co-workers how Napoleon was a lover par excellence.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's crazy that he was just like us, isn't it?

Speaker 2 What do you mean, just like us? When was the last time you got exiled to a French island?

Speaker 1 No, no, not the island stuff. I mean the other stuff.
You mean invading Russia and turning thousands of soldiers into human ice sculptures? No, I mean the stuff with Josephine.

Speaker 1 It's like your thing with Jane from accounts.

Speaker 1 You left those post-it notes on her desk, those enthusiastic good morning messages on teams.

Speaker 1 He was doing the same thing. Oh my god, isn't it sweet? Didn't Napoleon tell her not to wash before he got home from the war?

Speaker 2 Didn't you get like a disciplinary warning for stealing pens again?

Speaker 1 There's nothing sweeter than pining for the love of someone so distant, but so close to your heart.

Speaker 2 Okay, fine. Yeah, me and Jane were good, but like maybe it's not the best idea to mix my work life with my personal life.
I just can't stand getting on the apps again, you know? Like I'm 32.

Speaker 2 There's only so many conversations I can have about what's new on Netflix.

Speaker 1 Believe me, it is not in my power to have a single person. All I'm saying is is

Speaker 1 what's the worst that can happen? We can tell that she's got a thing for you.

Speaker 1 She's over by the charcuterie table.

Speaker 1 I don't know how you re-establish your health. Go over.
Come and talk to her about whatever.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Who cares? And one ear to forget that.

Speaker 1 Notwithstanding his spitefulness.

Speaker 2 Hey, Jane. You're looking really good.

Speaker 2 So I was listening to this podcast. Like, did you know that Napoleon had really extensive manifests for his wagons while invading Russia?

Speaker 1 Well, why not bless your uncle with stories he can tell his friends in the pub?

Speaker 3 Listen here, you fuck.

Speaker 3 All I'm saying is that my great-great, great,

Speaker 3 great, great,

Speaker 3 whatever, grandfather didn't leave Ireland to seek a better life for my family to put out by the likes of you.

Speaker 3 First it was the Danes, then it was the fucking Normans, and it was fucking 800 years of English oppression.

Speaker 3 He's still our land, our food, our fucking language, and I still got to deal with the Boston City Council. And what do we have to show for it? Nothing.
Fucking nothing.

Speaker 3 He's got on a boat and went all the way to fucking Nanjing just so the kids could eat something other than grass. Can't even get a good fucking crab rangoon, motherfuckers.

Speaker 3 He's more than the heavenly brother of Christ. He was a good man to my people.
You scum disrespected him. Abused him.
Spit on his fucking name. Dare to cut me me off.
Fuck you, pal.

Speaker 3 Give me another fucking beer right now. We're gonna burn this fucking place to the ground.
Another fucking beer, Gargoyle.

Speaker 1 I'm sure your boss would love to learn a thing or two about business synergy from a sword-wielding World War II veteran.

Speaker 4 So I think it's clear to everyone in the room here when I say that our fiscal trajectory, this queue, has been suboptimal, to say the least.

Speaker 4 But I really think that my next idea is going to really hit our North Star KPIs.

Speaker 1 Look, I think we just need to wrap this up and cold a day. I'll schedule a meeting with the banks.

Speaker 1 Maybe smartwatches for dogs wasn't our greatest idea, but I still think we can pivot before the end of Q3. Okay, maybe we should hear her out first.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's kind of a problem that everyone keeps talking over Lucy. Does anyone else think that's a problem? I think women don't have good ideas.
Let's just get that out there.

Speaker 1 It can't be worse than when our Instagram shop got banned for selling D2C cigarettes for children. All right, Lucy, what do you got?

Speaker 4 Okay, so I was listening to this podcast the other day.

Speaker 1 Is this another Joe Rogan of pet-based smart devices thing from Q1?

Speaker 4 No, it isn't, Theo. This one was about a man named Jack Churchill.
He's actually a World War II veteran and a thought leader. And I think he's someone that we could learn a lot from.

Speaker 1 I'm listening actively and with curiosity, Lucy, and I hope that doesn't feel like I'm condescending or talking down to you because I respect you so much.

Speaker 4 Thank you, Ben. Thank you.

Speaker 4 So Jack Churchill, he fought in World War II with a broadsword. And I think that's exactly the kind of disruptive, scalable, paradigm-shifting energy that we really need.
And

Speaker 4 I've been thinking a lot about our business during my daily sensory deprivation float. And I thought to myself, why isn't anyone asking the question, what if we did bring a knife to a gunfight?

Speaker 1 Because it's insane, maybe. How is a guy fighting Nazis with a sword relevant to our mission statement here at Porch?

Speaker 4 Oh, Andrew, I'm so glad you asked. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
Like bringing yet another gun to Dunkirk.

Speaker 4 That's just, it's not really how you disrupt the market.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the agility metrics for this are actually really resonating with me. Lucy, you have such a powerful brain, and I think it's from the podcasts you listen to.
We are so fucked.

Speaker 1 Look at the bankruptcy forms.

Speaker 1 So when your father is struggling with whatever flat pack bullshit Santa has brought your parents, and your mother is in the kitchen eyeing up a burning turkey and that bottle of gin thinking, next year we're going to my sister's house.

Speaker 1 Your brother is playing with Warhammer, and your sister is being cyberbullied for saying that beans make you gay.

Speaker 1 Why not bring the whole family together? Bring them together with anecdotes about how, given the context of the Algerian War of Independence, your grandfather is likely a war criminal.

Speaker 1 With 50% off annual subscriptions using code DEC25 all through December at patreon.com forward slash lines led by donkeys, why not give them a gift they'll love?

Speaker 1 This Christmas, give the gift of history.