#1014 - Dr Marc Brackett - The Life-Changing Skill of Emotional Regulation

Speaker 1 Only one in five adults can name more than three emotions they feel regularly.

Speaker 1 Why do you think that is?

Speaker 2 Bluntly, I think it's because we don't have an emotion education. We just ignore that aspect of our lives.

Speaker 1 What does that mean? What does an emotion education mean?

Speaker 2 It means that from preschool to high school, and even when we're in the workplace or in college, we are building our emotion skills, you know, vocabulary, for example.

Speaker 2 Just to give you one example, I'm going to ask you right now, what's the difference between anger and disappointment?

Speaker 1 Anger is

Speaker 1 fiery

Speaker 1 and feels like you're on the front foot.

Speaker 1 Disappointment

Speaker 1 for me is the color of, and it's the color of red for me, orangey red.

Speaker 1 Disappointment is sort of a blue-gray,

Speaker 1 like a dark purple-blue-gray.

Speaker 1 And it is, it's sort of closed and it feels like I'm on the back foot. It feels like I'm sat in a very low couch.

Speaker 2 I'm aware that's not a particularly precise definition.

Speaker 2 You're a creative type, that's for sure.

Speaker 2 And all beautiful kind of metaphors.

Speaker 2 But like, I really want to know like the psychological definition or difference between the two.

Speaker 1 So what do you think? I'll hand that.

Speaker 1 A psychological difference or definition between the two.

Speaker 1 Functionally, anger is somebody has stepped over a boundary and you need to exclaim loudly enough to ensure that they know that they have crossed some sort of threshold.

Speaker 1 It's kind of like being your own law enforcement in a way.

Speaker 1 Disappointment is around hopes, expectations, and those not being met.

Speaker 1 Maybe you got it. That was much better.

Speaker 2 That was great. So disappointment.

Speaker 2 you're on your verge of being an emotion scientist. Yes.

Speaker 2 So disappointment, unmet expectations, anger, perceived injustice.

Speaker 2 And so I think a lot of people kind of look at my work and they're like, you know, whatever, who cares that, you know, the difference between anger and disappointment or anxiety and stress or pressure and fear.

Speaker 2 But what we say in our research is that you have to name it to tame it. You got to label it to regulate it.

Speaker 2 And oftentimes, you know, men in particular are going to come into our offices, you know, our homes and, you know, act one way.

Speaker 2 They're going to behave one way, kind of a socially appropriate way of, you know, typically aggression with all emotions, whether it's disappointment, frustration, fear, or anxiety.

Speaker 2 And the argument that we make is that until people really know how they feel and why they feel the way they do, it's impossible to support them and managing it.

Speaker 1 Right. Yeah, that does make sense.
Okay. So

Speaker 1 what is emotional intelligence? Like, is that a thing? I remember there was this whole world of IQ, EQ.

Speaker 1 What does emotional intelligence mean?

Speaker 2 So at its simplest level, emotional intelligence is using your feelings wisely to achieve your goals, using all of our emotions wisely. But that's not specific enough.

Speaker 2 And the model that I've worked on is called RULER. So there are five skills.
The first is recognizing emotions in oneself and others. Understanding the causes and the consequences of emotions.

Speaker 2 Labeling emotions precisely, knowing how and when to express emotions with different people across cultures, and then finally the big R, which is my new book, which is Regulating Emotions.

Speaker 2 What do you do with those feelings? Both your own and other people's.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 1 it is functional, that would be one way to put it. Like it has an outcome.
It's not just a thing that you're imbued with. It's using your emotions to achieve.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 It's goal-oriented. Just like, I mean, you can have an IQ and not use it.
A lot of people don't.

Speaker 2 But the same thing applies to your emotional intelligence.

Speaker 2 The expectation or the idea is that you have this set of skills and you apply them to your life so that you make better decisions, you make, you know,

Speaker 2 better relationships, you achieve your goals in life. You know, what I show in my research is that, you know, we like to think that our creativity and our general intelligence are the kind of

Speaker 2 the things that we need to achieve our goals.

Speaker 2 But what I've shown is that there are a lot of obstacles in the creative process, a lot of obstacles in achieving our success in life.

Speaker 2 And if we don't have the skills to manage the frustration or the anxiety or the disappointment, even the most creative among us don't really achieve the outcomes.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think a lot of people would see emotions and the utilizing of emotions as a vector for weakness, not one for expediting success.

Speaker 1 Why should people tap into emotions at all? How are they a performance enhancer in that way?

Speaker 2 Well, I'm going to be provocative and say, based on my research and the work I've done recently, I think that emotion regulation should actually be the new definition of success.

Speaker 2 And meaning that we think of success as you got the fancy car, you got the big house, you have the big career, whatever it might be.

Speaker 2 But truthfully, if you can't manage your emotions and settle your nervous system, if you can't manage or support other people as a leader, for example, in regulating their emotions, oftentimes the company doesn't do as well as you might think it could do.

Speaker 2 And oftentimes your own mental health suffers and your goal attainment suffers. So I think that's a lot of people are fighting me on that one.
You know, they think, well, you know,

Speaker 2 well.

Speaker 2 look at my i've done talks for big fortune 100 companies and you know like look at me mark look at my office you think i really need emotional intelligence and the first thing i say to them is like well i interviewed the five people who report to you and and they don't like you they actually hate you so you know maybe

Speaker 2 so you know maybe you should develop some emotional intelligence skills and maybe the company could be even could be doing even better than it is

Speaker 1 yeah i uh

Speaker 1 what what is

Speaker 1 you said uh the like the definition of high performance is emotional regulation, not emotional intelligence. So let's find terms.
What's emotional regulation?

Speaker 2 So in the hierarchy of emotional intelligence, emotion regulation comes at the top, right? It's like all these skills come together and then it like helps you kind of to deal with your feelings.

Speaker 2 And the way I define it is I have a little formula that kind of makes me feel smart.

Speaker 2 It's ER.

Speaker 2 Emotion regulation.

Speaker 2 is a set of goals and strategies. So think about that.
You can prevent an unwanted unwanted emotion. Most people don't think about regulation that way.
They think of it, oh, I'm stressed out.

Speaker 2 I got to reduce my stress. But no, if you're a kid in this classroom and you know you're going to be anxious on Thursday at the test, let's prepare now for the test so you're not anxious on Thursday.

Speaker 2 If you're a sports person and you're going out on the track or out to do a match, my other background is I taught martial arts for 25 years.

Speaker 2 And so, you know, I would think of all my martial arts students getting so anxious as soon as the opponent came on the mat. And I would say to them, like, that's not the time to regulate.

Speaker 2 You got to regulate way before you can even show up to the match. You got to be preparing yourself to be present, to not be flustered.
So there's a prevention piece to it.

Speaker 2 There's a reduction piece to it. In the moment, you got to reduce the feeling.
Like if you get triggered, you get activated. You got to, Mark, take a deep breath, calm down.

Speaker 2 I think another interesting piece of regulation is initiating emotions.

Speaker 2 So as someone who manages a large team, I'm always thinking to myself, like, what emotion is going to best serve the goal of this meeting? Like, do I want people to be inspired?

Speaker 2 Do I want them to be calm? Do I want them to be kind of like serious? And then it's my job to create the emotional climate that aligns with that to achieve the outcome.

Speaker 2 I don't think people think about that very much. The M in Prime, this is an acronym, is maintain.

Speaker 2 So it's like, I'm having a good day. I'm in flow.
I'm writing my book. And all of a sudden, like, I get that email or I get that phone call.
And it's like, no, like

Speaker 2 stay away. Like

Speaker 2 I'm doing, I'm really in a great place right now. And then the E is kind of enhancing emotions.
So it's a long definition, but it's a complicated concept.

Speaker 2 So prime is the goals, prevent, reduce, initiate, maintain, or enhance.

Speaker 2 Then the S is strategies. Thousands of strategies, right? I mean, walking in nature, taking a deep breath, shifting your thinking or reappraising, getting social support.

Speaker 2 And so emotion regulation is G plus S.

Speaker 2 But then there's another piece of it, which is that all of that varies as a function of the emotion you're feeling, because you need different strategies for different emotions, kind of your personality.

Speaker 2 I'm an introvert. I don't know about you.
You seem a little bit more outgoing than I am. I'm just making that guess.

Speaker 2 But, you know, at the end of the day, like I had a really, I had like a 12-hour day yesterday. And

Speaker 2 it was like 9 p.m. I went to a yoga class to relax, but the yoga teacher was so chatty that I had to leave the class.

Speaker 2 I mean, I hate, it's embarrassing to say, I had to walk out of the yoga class because my brain needed, I was looking forward to that hot yoga class where I could just like disappear.

Speaker 2 And instead, I had someone like talking at me for like 45 minutes. It's like, this is not good for me.
So, you know, that's my personality. I know what I need.
And that's going to help me choose.

Speaker 2 So instead, I went for a walk around Central Park. Much better.

Speaker 2 so it's the emotion the person and the context you know right now if i'm getting anxious for example during our conversation i can't be like you know hey chris you know what i'm going for a run like yeah that's a little weird so anyway i'll leave it there

Speaker 1 yeah it's a lot to think about it's it is a complex topic that's true why do you think

Speaker 1 Why do you think so few of us were ever taught emotional skills if they are as fundamental as you say, even if they're as fundamental functionally as you say, you know,

Speaker 1 meritocratic, egalitarian, I'm going to go and get the thing in life.

Speaker 1 Why, why are people not learning these if they're so powerful?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's interesting. I think it's historical.
I think that people kind of thought,

Speaker 2 especially in psychology, you know, emotions, they're, you know, it's not behavior. So it's not objective.
It's It's like in your head, and you can't really study it, which we've proven is not true.

Speaker 2 But that's one big piece of it. I think the other piece of it is that we tend to equate feeling emotions with being emotional, like hysterical.

Speaker 2 And so we almost treat emotions as bad things to have because, you know, they drive you to make bad decisions and they're make you impulsive and idiosyncratic impulses.

Speaker 2 Of course, it wasn't until like the 70s and 80s in research, people like Charles Darwin and other psychologists would say, no, no, no, no. Actually, your emotions ensure your survival.

Speaker 2 Think about that. Like fear is an adaptive experience.
It's saying there's a threat. You know, stay away, protect yourself.

Speaker 2 But it's interesting how it's taken so long for people to kind of value emotional intelligence.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, I suppose.

Speaker 1 It doesn't have great branding, I don't think. Like emotions, emotional intelligence.

Speaker 1 I don't think

Speaker 1 when you talk to people about it, they're thinking about the importance of

Speaker 1 being able to step into their body, work out what they're feeling.

Speaker 1 I think what most people, especially men in the modern world, would think about

Speaker 1 peak emotional capacity would be something much closer to suppression

Speaker 2 or

Speaker 1 ignorance maybe

Speaker 2 well it's true when i interview and i do i do a lot of talks for businesses and uh i was doing one for a bunch of lawyers recently and i said all right define emotion regulation what is it and the first thing they say it's like controlling your emotions you know and then they denying it you know ignoring it suppressing it and like no no no go back to your groups redefine it But that's, that is the mindset.

Speaker 2 The mindset is not to feel, which by the way is biologically impossible, which by the way, the more you suppress, the more it's going to show up in stomach problems, in physical health problems, and mental health problems.

Speaker 2 Suppression is never the answer.

Speaker 2 We got to, remember, it's about using our emotions wisely.

Speaker 2 And your point is a good one because, you know, with men in particular, it's like, can I really tell my wife, my partner, my colleague that I'm anxious?

Speaker 2 You know, there's no way I'm going to tell anybody I'm anxious because they're going to think I'm weak. As a matter of fact, a father, you know, I had a pretty rough childhood.

Speaker 2 I had abuse, unfortunately, a lot of bullying. And I'm, you know, I'm 56 at this point.
Like, you know, this is who I am. Like, I'm good with who I am.

Speaker 2 And I'm feeling pretty safe and comfortable, you know, sharing my own story. But it took me a while.

Speaker 2 And these guys that, you know, oftentimes at my talks, one guy said to me, you know, Mark, there's no way I would ever be as vulnerable as you are, like in front of other people, like you're sharing about your bullying and your abuse and your like, your anxiety about the pandemic.

Speaker 2 And I'm like, well, did you feel those? Do you know, did you, did you have any anxiety during the pandemic? He's like, yeah, of course I did. And I said, well, what did you do about it?

Speaker 2 He's like, you know, I didn't talk about it. I drank alcohol.

Speaker 2 And I said, well, maybe there's a better way.

Speaker 2 And I really want to, I'm very interested actually in the gender piece of this because there is this like

Speaker 2 we have men in particular have feelings about their feelings. It's like they feel they feel shame that they're anxious.

Speaker 2 What do you think about that? Oh,

Speaker 1 I could talk about this for the rest of my life.

Speaker 2 I think

Speaker 1 what I've called second-order emotions, what you've probably got a much more official name for, feeling bitterness at my resentment, about my shame, about my anxiety, this like infinite regress of thinking about thinking and my story that I tell myself about the story that I told myself about the thing that I felt

Speaker 1 appears to happen a lot in the world of men. And

Speaker 1 I think guys struggle to find a place where there are emotions that aren't

Speaker 1 a very small number. Maybe resentment is allowed.
Maybe anger is allowed.

Speaker 1 Sadness would, you would struggle with. Anxiety, you would struggle with.

Speaker 1 Grief, you would struggle with. Fear would be a real big, difficult one as well.

Speaker 1 Because all of those kind of strike at the heart of the emotional mastery, competence, conquer, go after it, and get it type thing that I think guys feel like they need to lean into, and in many ways, do need to.

Speaker 1 And yeah, trying to blend those two worlds is,

Speaker 1 I think, I'm probably not a bad role model for the sort of a

Speaker 1 highly sensitive guy,

Speaker 1 at least in my personal life.

Speaker 1 And I'm completely bought in. I'm so, you know, I can say now, because it's been, what, three days, four days since I got back.
I did, do you know who Joe Hudson is? Are you familiar with Joe?

Speaker 1 Art of Accomplishment. So,

Speaker 2 okay.

Speaker 1 He is the

Speaker 1 head of culture at OpenAI.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay. I do know what you're talking about now.
Yep.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I did Groundbreakers last week, which is 9 a.m.
till 9 p.m.

Speaker 1 for seven days-ish

Speaker 2 of emotional work every single day.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 that was

Speaker 1 the most

Speaker 1 vulnerable, difficult,

Speaker 1 intense thing that I've ever done by like quite some margin. And

Speaker 1 it really reframed, I think, my perspective. I already was halfway there, but this really reframed it even more.
My kind of

Speaker 1 viewpoint on what real strength looks like, sort of what,

Speaker 1 yeah, I think strength is maybe a good, a, a good descriptor for it.

Speaker 1 Denying or suppressing your emotions is still giving them a lot of power over you.

Speaker 2 That

Speaker 2 you,

Speaker 1 you are saying this thing is so

Speaker 1 impactful and outside the bounds of my control, and I am at the mercy of it so much so that I can't engage with it.

Speaker 1 I think you could maybe make a similar sort of argument about somebody that has a substance abuse problem and

Speaker 1 this person goes cold turkey. Hooray, congratulations.
Like you've you've transcended your need for alcohol or nicotine or whatever it might be.

Speaker 1 But truly like alchemizing that would be reintroducing the substance on your terms and only ever needing one of them. It would be being being able to use it again.
Does that make sense?

Speaker 1 Do I sound insane?

Speaker 2 No, it's great. i mean it totally makes sense i think you're getting at a lot of things number one is kind of this like i'd rather like

Speaker 2 endure the suffering internally than let anybody know how i'm feeling to get the support i might need to live a better life

Speaker 2 yes

Speaker 2 um and i you know it's why so many people get divorced right it's it's why you know people don't talk to their bosses when they want to get a raise.

Speaker 2 It's why friendships, you know, because it's like, I'm having this feeling, whatever it might be, and it's more painful for me to think about how I can tell you how I'm feeling and ask for your support or ask you to maybe change a little bit.

Speaker 2 And I just, that is like beyond my imagination difficult. And so I'm just not going to do it.

Speaker 2 But of course, the outcome is always worse because you would have a better relationship and better everything if you were more comfortable talking about it.

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Speaker 1 Yeah, so I think when it comes to the suppression thing,

Speaker 1 why is emotional suppression still seen as a strength?

Speaker 1 What is it?

Speaker 1 What is it that's a little bit more?

Speaker 2 Well, I don't think it is.

Speaker 2 I wouldn't say it's seen as a strength. I would say it's easier.
And so it's, you know, people choose it as an option.

Speaker 2 It's like in my research, what I find, the top strategies that people are kind of used to not deal with their feelings, you know, avoidance, big one.

Speaker 2 It's like, I'm just not going to have the difficult conversation. I'm just not going going to go home tonight and talk to my significant other.
I'm not going to tell my kids.

Speaker 2 I mean, parents are even afraid to talk to their own kids about feelings. It's crazy

Speaker 2 because they're afraid they can't deal with what they're going to hear from their own kids.

Speaker 2 So, you know, the point is that I'd rather kind of not engage with the emotion

Speaker 2 because

Speaker 2 the pain of whether

Speaker 2 what I was getting at is avoidance, a denial,

Speaker 2 overeating,

Speaker 2 drinking too much alcohol,

Speaker 2 like you said, suppression. You know, all of these become what I would call our automatic, go-to, terrible habits for dealing with our feelings.
None of them lead to good outcomes for us.

Speaker 2 They usually lead to more shame, more regret, more self-hatred. The list goes on.

Speaker 2 And they never help us with our well-being or having good relationships or achieving the real goals we have in our lives.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 the new strategies, the helpful strategies, kind of what I write about,

Speaker 2 even doing a mindfulness exercise, which people sometimes roll their eyes at, we know that our sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems need support.

Speaker 2 We need to deactivate that nervous system in order to be present, in order to have the access to cognitive strategies to deal with our feelings.

Speaker 2 But, oh, that's, that's, you know, I'm not, that's fluff.

Speaker 2 Breathing, you know, been breathing, you know, since you came out of the womb, so it's probably a good thing.

Speaker 2 The cognitive strategies, I mean, think about how much gaslighting there is in our world right now. I mean, let's be real.

Speaker 2 People are endlessly gaslit in terms of, you know, you're not, you're too fat, you're too skinny, you're too tall, you're too short, you're not big enough, you're not small enough, you're too masculine, you're too feminine, you're too dark, you're too light.

Speaker 2 I mean, it's endless.

Speaker 2 And, you know, how many of us are taught when we're kids how to like sift through that kind of judgment and say, hey, wait a minute, you know, you don't have the right to define my reality.

Speaker 2 Like, I actually like myself. And, like, stay away.

Speaker 2 You know, how do we, how many of us are learned how to sift through what people are saying about us to then have a more positive view of ourselves as opposed to allowing other people to define our realities for us?

Speaker 1 What happens if you don't express an emotion? You mentioned it earlier on. Let's say

Speaker 1 I hesitate to point the finger too much at repression as if it's something that people chose to do. And in some ways, they

Speaker 1 did, but it's not in the same way as you chose to push that person into open traffic. It's more like, I'm scared.
And wow, this is a lot. And what about the world outside?

Speaker 1 And what about the story I tell myself? And oh, that's uncomfortable to deal with. Coping mechanisms.
You know, it's a lot of stuff that's going on that doesn't feel quite like commission or volition.

Speaker 1 It's just a desperate desire to try and survive.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 if somebody continues to do that, what happens if you don't express emotions?

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 it's like a debt that keeps on getting bigger. And it comes out somewhere.
It comes out, as I said earlier, in those maladaptive strategies. It comes out in terms of avoiding your significant others.

Speaker 2 It comes out in drinking too much alcohol. It comes out.

Speaker 2 in having, you know, gastrointestinal issues. It comes out with anxiety disorders and depressive disorders.
I mean, the list goes on because

Speaker 2 we're born to feel. And, you know, we have to get those feelings expressed somehow or another.
And if we don't do it, they're going to find their way out.

Speaker 2 And unfortunately for most people, because they haven't had the emotion education, it's easier.

Speaker 2 You know, we learn like, I don't know about you, but my parents were not like the role models for emotional intelligence.

Speaker 2 You know, so, you know, my father was a tough guy from the Bronx and he would say things like, son, you got tough enough.

Speaker 2 I'm like, dad, look at me. You know, I'm about as far from a tough guy as you can get.
I have a fifth degree black belt, but I'm not a tough guy.

Speaker 2 And, you know, he would say things like, I used to beat kids up like you.

Speaker 2 Okay, great.

Speaker 2 You know, they taught you that in parenting class, right, Dad? And my mom, on the other hand, was with a lot of anxiety. And she would say things like, and I can't take it anymore.

Speaker 2 I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. So here I am, this like five-year-old kid, 10-year-old kid in this, growing up in this environment.
Like, what am I learning? I'm learning like

Speaker 2 anxiety is weak. People lock themselves in their bedrooms when they're anxious and you just sort of like lose yourself in your anxiety.
And I learned get angry at everything. And

Speaker 2 that's pretty much what I was until you know I got my PhD in psychology.

Speaker 2 I was, you know, this anxious, angry person who just

Speaker 2 like didn't know what the hell to do with his feelings.

Speaker 2 So anyway.

Speaker 1 Let's say

Speaker 1 that somebody is,

Speaker 1 somebody resonates with that. Oh, anxious angry person who doesn't really know what to do with his feelings like army of one listen listening listening here with the iPods in uh

Speaker 1 what is a good framework for them to follow to begin

Speaker 1 including integrating those emotions more healthily

Speaker 2 great question

Speaker 2 so this is you know what happened is I wrote this book many years ago. It's called Permission to Feel.
And it was my argument that we have to give ourselves and everyone permission to feel.

Speaker 2 And I'm proud that's been 30 languages now. And, you know, a lot of people understand that, like, we have the first step is we got to give ourselves that permission.

Speaker 2 It's like, it's okay to be anxious. It's okay to be angry.
There's nothing bad about it. Anger is real.
Anxiety is real. Like, don't judge it.
Just allow it to be.

Speaker 2 If you're feeling it for too long and it's too intense, you got to do something about it.

Speaker 2 And then the pandemic hit, and I got trapped in my house

Speaker 2 with my mother-in-law. So she came to visit from the country of Panama for two weeks around March 1st of 2020.
And

Speaker 2 little did we know that there would be a pandemic. Two weeks later, that she would stay with us for seven months.
And I'm like losing it.

Speaker 2 You know, for me, the morning is like my kind of precious time. I like to have my really good cup of coffee.
I like to like have my existential crisis, like think about my purpose in life.

Speaker 2 And I like to do that alone, not with my mother-in-law, like, staring at me. So, it got really rough.
Anyway, we had this kind of meltdown in the house.

Speaker 2 And she looked at me and she's like, Are you really the director of the Center for Emotional Intelligence? And I'm like, Not tonight, I'm telling you.

Speaker 2 And so, it's just like the whole thing blew up. And I share that with you because here I was, like, supposedly like one of the world's experts in emotional intelligence and emotion regulation.

Speaker 2 And I'm like,

Speaker 2 you know, rock bottom, like desperate, dysregulated.

Speaker 2 But then I, you know, when I went to bed that night, I thought to myself, you know, Mark, you actually are the director of the Center for Emotional Intelligence. Like, this is your whole career.

Speaker 2 You've written 200 papers and books and all this stuff. Like, you got to show up.
You got to, you got to practice what you preach.

Speaker 2 And that's, in that moment, I decided to write a book on emotion regulation. It was like I was walking down the stairs.
I'm like, Nobody knows anything about this stuff.

Speaker 2 If I don't know it, like, then nobody knows it. And so this new book that I wrote called Dealing with Feeling is really the map.
And I just, I wanted it to be super practical.

Speaker 2 Like step one is you got to shift your belief systems. There's no such thing as a bad emotion.
Period. There is no such thing as a bad emotion.
Emotions are like the tide. They come and go.

Speaker 2 Sometimes they're unpleasant. Sometimes they're pleasant.
The second is you got to build the vocabulary. You got to know the words.
Like, I'm going to push you again. So anger and disappointment.

Speaker 2 We spent some time on that one a little earlier. Let's go to the one that everybody says they're feeling, which is anxiety.

Speaker 2 Everybody's anxious these days, which I don't believe, by the way.

Speaker 2 I think people say they're anxious, but they're not actually anxious.

Speaker 2 So, anxiety versus stress versus pressure.

Speaker 2 You're taking my little test of emotional intelligence.

Speaker 1 Oh, you want me to define the difference between anxiety, stress, and pressure?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I do.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 1 Anxiety, uncertainty about the future.

Speaker 2 You're good.

Speaker 1 Stress, a concern between our inner level of capability and the outer demands that the society is placing on, or that the world is placing on us, and

Speaker 1 an uncertainty that we can deal. I also get the sense that complexity is in there.
Stress is to to do with lots of complexity that's going on, velocity, complexity.

Speaker 1 Anxiety strike. What was the other one?

Speaker 2 Pressure. Pressure.
Ooh.

Speaker 1 Obligation

Speaker 1 feels like a sense of obligation as well.

Speaker 2 You're pretty good. I think you're using like Chat GPT or something.
No, you're my last

Speaker 2 anxiety.

Speaker 2 The um, so you anxiety is about uncertainty around the future.

Speaker 1 Yes, let's go. 10 out of 10.

Speaker 2 Stress is having too many demands and not enough resources.

Speaker 1 Yes, yeah, I'm going to give myself 10 out of 10 again. Yep.

Speaker 2 And pressure is something at stake is dependent upon your action or behavior. Okay.
Yeah. That was a little bit off on that one.
Cool. It's all right.

Speaker 2 But why would I want you to know, like, here you are, this, you know,

Speaker 2 guru, you know, why do I want you? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Why would I want you to know the difference between anxiety, stress, and pressure?

Speaker 2 Why do I, why, why, would I care?

Speaker 1 Because we default to the most common emotion.

Speaker 1 We often bundle together

Speaker 1 different

Speaker 1 things into a single word. And by doing that, lots of things sound like one thing.
So lots of things sound like anxiety when they might actually be stress or pressure.

Speaker 2 Exactly. And what you would do, so think about it.

Speaker 2 I remember when I'm anxious about something, I tend to say, mark like you got no control over that right now like you can think about that till tomorrow night and it's not going to change because you have no power over that you've got to look at it from a different perspective you know rethink it that's what i do for anxiety for stress it's either i get help or i take stuff off my plate i don't know what else to do there's nothing i can take all the breaths in the world but i'm still going to have too much stuff on my plate and not enough time to get it done and for pressure it's like i either got to talk to my boss and say hey you know like this deadline is

Speaker 2 killing me. You know, interestingly enough, you know, I do a lot of work with college students because that's where I'm a professor.

Speaker 2 Yesterday, I gave a speech to 1,500 high schoolers, which was, you know, a little bit challenging.

Speaker 2 And I had done some research with them, and they all said they're stressed out.

Speaker 2 Everyone, I'm stressed, I'm stressed, I'm stressed.

Speaker 2 But what my research showed was

Speaker 2 the number one emotion was, what do you think?

Speaker 2 Pressure,

Speaker 2 Envy. Oh,

Speaker 2 okay.

Speaker 2 None of the three. They're thinking they're stressed, or they're saying that they're stressed, but what they're feeling is that everyone's better looking than they are.

Speaker 2 Everyone has better opportunities than they have. Everybody studies for less time and gets better grades.
Everybody's parents have more connections than their parents have.

Speaker 2 They're just like, it's like this endless social comparison.

Speaker 2 And so, but they're calling that stress.

Speaker 2 And so, you know,

Speaker 2 what do you do with that? You don't take deep breaths. You don't do meditation.
You got to, you know, and I told them, like, you got to switch from envy to gratitude. Like, look at all of you.

Speaker 2 You're in a great high school. You're doing pretty darn good.
And you could just bask in that envy and

Speaker 2 you'll be paralyzed by it. Or you can, you know, shift your thinking.
Because I don't know any other way to get out of the envy spiral until you kind of look at things from a new lens.

Speaker 1 That's interesting.

Speaker 1 Take me through your process of alchemizing envy. Somebody looks at somebody else, the comparison game is going on in their head.

Speaker 1 Maybe it comes up as a bit of resentment, maybe a little bit of bitterness, maybe a little bit of fear as well.

Speaker 1 But if they investigate themselves and they're truly, truly honest, they say something like,

Speaker 1 I envy that person. What is a way that they can

Speaker 1 integrate? that emotion more effectively.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think the reality is if you're feeling envy, you're feeling envy, you know?

Speaker 2 I think that the question is, is the why behind it? Is it going towards admiration or is it going towards resentment? I envy a lot of people. I look at people giving speeches.

Speaker 2 I'm like, God, their timing is great. That humor is amazing.

Speaker 2 The way their posture is great.

Speaker 2 But I don't wish they weren't skilled. I want to like aspire.
And so I use it as a learning opportunity. I'm like, okay, wow.
If I incorporate that into my speech, it's going to get even better.

Speaker 2 So it's a reframe. Do you see how it's a reframe? Instead of being bitter and resentful, I'm thinking, oh, I can actually learn from that person and apply that to what I do.

Speaker 2 That's one way to do it, which I think is really important. The gratitude piece is another whole thing, which is, you know, I teach at Yale.
I mean, let's be real. It's a pretty good university.

Speaker 2 And if you got into Yale, you got to be pretty darn smart. And so, like, when students are starting to get envious of the other valedictorians, I'm like, can we take a break here?

Speaker 2 And just like look around like

Speaker 2 that. Yeah, exactly.
Let's just like, let's, you know, let's, let's take a moment and like reflect on where we're at compared to many other people.

Speaker 2 Maybe you should just like wake up and say things, you know, think about three things that you're grateful for for being here.

Speaker 2 And they're not taught to do that. You know, this is the problem.
It's not an, their automatic habitual response is like, they're smarter, they're better. Not, oh, wow, look at me.

Speaker 2 I've actually done pretty well in my life. Or wow, I should be grateful that my parents worked their asses off to get me into this university and supported me or whatever it might be.

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Speaker 1 I have a question on this. Again, my recency bias is like fucking weapons grade at the moment, right? Because I've just come back from this big retreat, which was exclusively about emotions.

Speaker 1 A couple of things to tell you.

Speaker 1 When it comes to discerning between different emotions, what is this thing that is inside of me? I really struggled.

Speaker 1 I realized that I really struggled to distinguish between something like frustration or agitation

Speaker 1 and anger.

Speaker 1 And that I was confusing a lot of the time. I was angry, but I was feeling it as frustration or agitation.
And I wasn't allowing myself because I didn't think that anger was safe to move through.

Speaker 1 So I completely agree with it is important for us to be able to, like a nice sommelier,

Speaker 1 detect the different notes that are constituting whatever the emotions are that are inside inside of us because you don't know how to deal with it.

Speaker 1 If you don't do that, you also end up sort of calling yourself. You self-label this thing as, oh, there's my anxiety again.
And you go, well, maybe it's not.

Speaker 1 Maybe you're pattern matching four different things as anxiety when it's not.

Speaker 1 One of the other things that happened throughout the week, though, was a lot of work about actually getting into the body and allowing yourself to feel these emotions.

Speaker 1 And one of the problems that I realized, I've been kind of obsessed with emotions over the last 18 months. I really wanted to be less emotionally decapitated, as I was referring to it.

Speaker 1 Like emotions existed above the neck.

Speaker 1 And getting down and being like, okay, what does this mean? How does this feel? Can I let it move through me? Can I have more emotional fluidity in that sense? Like, can it come and it goes?

Speaker 1 Can it come and it goes?

Speaker 1 How do you think about the limitations of trying to teach people this stuff

Speaker 1 through concepts and words that result in the

Speaker 1 like overthinker, just having more to think about. You understand what I mean?

Speaker 1 Like, it's this, this sort of tactic, at least for me, until I spent more time getting below the neck, results in just more aphorisms or mantras, or, you know,

Speaker 1 how do you think about combining embodiment with cognition?

Speaker 2 Well, our emotions are a product of that

Speaker 2 um so they're there you need both you need to be aware of what's happening in your body in terms of whether it's heat in your body whether it's the arousal or activation in your body the problem with that alone is that it's very misleading so for example um for years I would like sit, I'm a workaholic, and I'd be like 11 o'clock at night and I'd be like, you know, I'm anxious.

Speaker 2 And my partner would say, you know,

Speaker 2 why are you anxious? You're just tired. Shut the freaking computer and go to bed.
And I'd be like, yeah, you're right. I'm not anxious.
I'm just tired.

Speaker 2 I was confusing the signals in my body because they felt the same as when I was anxious. So it's important for people to know that we confuse our

Speaker 2 bodily kind of reactions and experiences for emotions sometimes when they're not emotions. They're just physical states.

Speaker 2 The cognitive piece. is important because it's the only way we can communicate, right?

Speaker 2 If you're in therapy or if you're trying to communicate to your partner or whoever, what you're feeling, you need language. And I actually built this app that's free that you are going to love.

Speaker 2 I promise you, it's called How We Feel. And I was proud to build it with the co-founder of Pinterest.
His name is Ben Silverman.

Speaker 2 And he and our teams worked together for two years, got an award from Apple. Congratulations.

Speaker 2 Thank you. We made it available for free on iOS and Android.

Speaker 2 And it is this tool that we call the Mood Meter, which is based on your pleasantness and your levels of activation and your bodily awareness. And it breaks into four quadrants.

Speaker 2 We've got yellow, red, blue, and green. So yellow are high-energy, pleasant emotions.
I'm excited, I'm elated, I'm ecstatic, I'm jubilant, I am optimistic.

Speaker 2 Green, I am calm, content, tranquil, peaceful, relaxed, blissful. I am serene.
Blue, I am down, disappointed, devastated, hopeless, despaired, depressed.

Speaker 2 Red, I am anxious, overwhelmed, I am angry, I am peeved, I am irritated.

Speaker 2 So we've got the full range of emotions, but it's based on your appraisal of what's happening in the environment or in your head and your body.

Speaker 2 And then we give you 144 words to describe those feeling states

Speaker 2 and the definitions of them so you understand the reason behind it. And then we also give you an option to check in with your body and you can locate where in your body you're feeling this emotion.

Speaker 2 And then you could track that over time and see if there's patterns between how you feel and where it shows up.

Speaker 1 How I feel.

Speaker 2 No, how we feel.

Speaker 1 How we feel. That has 25,000 reviews and it is five stars on

Speaker 1 the App Store. And it's an editor's choice.
Dude, that's amazing. Congratulations.
What a beautiful.

Speaker 1 I mean, also, someone is definitely stealing it with how I feel because it's the same color profile. So go and get them to see some of this for passing off.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's wonderful.

Speaker 1 Again, my recency bias is fucking potent at the moment because I learned all of this this new stuff and it's very exciting to me, but it also feels right. I feel more aligned in that way.

Speaker 1 And so

Speaker 1 I'm completely on board, even if, even if it's through an app.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean, it's, it's a, it's, you know, one thing about the app, it's not like you have to use it for the whole, your whole life because nobody uses any app for their whole life, but it's a training ground.

Speaker 2 It's building that awareness. It's like, oh, when I'm, before I walk into my office, I'm like, where am I in that mood meter? What's causing me to have that feeling?

Speaker 2 oh i'm feeling that way because of what happened at home i don't need to take that out on the person at work that's what i'm trying to get people to do but going back to the strategies so that's we've only gotten to two of like the eight strategies just so you know

Speaker 2 so

Speaker 2 the first step is as i said

Speaker 2 shift your mindset and the other piece of the mindset piece by the way is having kind of a growth mindset about your ability to regulate so my father for example he'd say son, like, son, this is the way I deal with my anger.

Speaker 2 You're going to have to learn how to deal with it.

Speaker 2 Okay, dad, you know, I guess you're not willing to learn anything. You know, that's a, that's a fixed mindset.
Like, this is my destiny. You know, this is who I am, which is not true.

Speaker 2 Everybody could learn to regulate better. That's proven.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 you're not born that way.

Speaker 2 So mindsets, language, then you got to know the breathing pieces. You got to be able to deactivate.
If you can't deactivate, you're toast.

Speaker 2 Because if you get triggered and you can't bring it down, you're going to result in, you know, aggression, you know, or

Speaker 2 Saying something you regret or just blowing up. That's the mindfulness breathing work.
But then the cognitive piece, as I shared earlier, is probably the most important in the end.

Speaker 2 You know, so many people just have such negative views of themselves.

Speaker 2 They look in the mirror and I'm not good enough and I'm not smart enough and I'm not creative enough and nobody wants to be around me. And that just creates a spiral into, you know, total despair.

Speaker 2 I don't know where in our childhoods we're taught to be self-compassionate.

Speaker 2 Not in a, in a, in a fluffy way, but literally saying, like, how do I say, Mark, you can get through this. Mark, you're strong enough.
Mark,

Speaker 2 guess what? This feeling of terror that's going through your brain right now is actually impermanent. You will not feel this way.
There are rainy days. There are sunny days.
Today is the rainy day.

Speaker 2 Tomorrow is going to be a sunny day. All that cognitive work that we have to engage in to really help us have more positive outlooks.

Speaker 2 The third, or not the third, but whatever we're on now, I know them in terms of what they are, but

Speaker 2 is

Speaker 2 I don't think any of us should ever have to worry alone.

Speaker 2 Why? Like, why do we have to feel alone with our fears and anxieties? Of course, if I'm traveling and I'm in the airport and the flight gets canceled, I'm pissed off.

Speaker 2 Mark, you got to like deal with this. But in everyday life,

Speaker 2 you know, we were built to be social creatures. And so I've done a lot of research on this, actually.

Speaker 2 Take a guess. What are the top three characteristics of the people that we're just desperate to be around?

Speaker 2 Ooh. Hmm.

Speaker 1 Can you give me an example of a characteristic that isn't in there, just so that I know this sort of

Speaker 2 smart. Right.
Okay. Okay.
Which is interesting that it's not in there.

Speaker 4 Um,

Speaker 1 attentive or curious, something like pro-social.

Speaker 1 Their attention is focused on us in a way.

Speaker 1 Uh, regulated or peaceful, something in that kind of realm. Uh, the

Speaker 1 person is uh not volatile, would be another way, maybe, to say it.

Speaker 2 Um,

Speaker 1 the third one,

Speaker 1 I would have said smart. I would have said smart.
So

Speaker 2 I'll give you two of mine.

Speaker 2 Interestingly enough, smart never shows up. I've studied this with 25,000 people, maybe like three people, four people.

Speaker 2 In terms of the people that we want to be around, in terms of like, especially when it comes to being supported by them, there's three core characteristics. And I've shown this now cross-culturally,

Speaker 2 both from the U.S. to England to Spain to Italy to Australia to Hong Kong to Costa Rica.

Speaker 2 No cultural differences. Number one,

Speaker 2 non-judgmental.

Speaker 2 Okay. Yep.

Speaker 2 We just,

Speaker 2 everybody's just kind of burnt out from the judgment in our society. Just, can I just be myself? Can you just let me be who I want to be?

Speaker 2 Number two, good listener.

Speaker 2 We're dying to be around people who just listen, but not listen to like retaliate, but listen to kind of help you gain perspective. And the third is just empathy and compassion.

Speaker 2 Think about that. I mean, imagine if we had a society where we were kind of like striving to have people who were non-judgmental, who were good listeners, who showed empathy and compassion.
I mean,

Speaker 2 I don't know. I want to live in that world, to be honest with you.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's

Speaker 1 how funny that

Speaker 1 those are all very soft skills, I think you would say.

Speaker 1 Not in the typical form of the word, but they are soft traits, right?

Speaker 2 They're social and emotional.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're gentle, they're nurturing, they're reassuring.

Speaker 1 And yet, when we look at what are the sort of traits that people try to develop, it's their charisma, their brashness,

Speaker 1 their wittiness, you know, their quickness with words.

Speaker 1 And that appears to not be the thing. There's this, I kind of got obsessed with an idea similar to this from the School of Life, Alando Botton's thing.
And he has this idea that

Speaker 1 some people are interesting. Some people make us feel interesting.
And we tend to want to be around the latter more than the former.

Speaker 1 It's just such a wonderful inverse charisma, you could call it, right?

Speaker 2 Totally. Other oriented.

Speaker 1 Other oriented. That's nice.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Here for, hey, just there's room for you. There's room for you in this conversation.
Like, bring it on. That's cool.
Exactly. I'm going to sit here.
I'm not going to judge. I'm going to be with you.

Speaker 1 And this is really, really similar to the view framework that Joe has from Art of Accomplishment. That's vulnerability, impartiality,

Speaker 1 empathy, and wonder.

Speaker 2 So.

Speaker 1 vulnerability, saying what's true, even when it's scary, impartiality, not trying to change the other person. Empathy, sitting in the emotion

Speaker 1 without being captured by it. And wonder, inquisitiveness without an outcome.
So like curiosity, but not needing the answer, so to speak. And it seems to me like your

Speaker 1 25,000 person cohort would, that would slot together with

Speaker 2 pretty nicely.

Speaker 2 What's interesting, though, is the research that I do, it goes from childhood to adulthood. And what I look at is, did you grow up with that?

Speaker 2 Like, did you grow up with someone in your life who created the conditions for you to be your true self?

Speaker 2 And what I find is that only about a third of people say yes.

Speaker 2 Two-thirds of people say no. There was nobody when I was growing up.

Speaker 2 It was non-judgmental.

Speaker 1 So it's not like they learned this in childhood or something. They didn't pattern match.
I once had a supportive parent and then I want that in adulthood.

Speaker 2 No, as a matter of fact, going back to the male-female thing,

Speaker 2 of the people who say yes to they had the person,

Speaker 2 Half of them say it was a parent. So like I say a third, so let's say, what, 17%

Speaker 2 say it was a parent. Of that 17%,

Speaker 2 only 2% say it was their dad.

Speaker 2 Oh, wow.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 Nobody's thinking about their dads as a non-judgmental public listener.

Speaker 1 I wonder, you know, me and a lot of the guys last week were talking about

Speaker 1 whether there is going to be some sort of pattern shift from the boomer generation to sort of whatever millennial Gen Z parenting with the ascendancy of

Speaker 1 podcasts and courses and embodiment work and emotional awareness and stuff like that, you know, breaking some of those well-trodden generational cycles of sort of how specifically men show up for their kids and the sort of community around them and stuff like that.

Speaker 1 I would like to think that maybe if you were to do this again in another 15, 20 years, that maybe you'll start to see some pockets grow up of, yeah, dad was, he did feel more comfortable about showing up in a non-judgmental way.

Speaker 1 The fragile male ego had been alchemized somewhat, but maybe not.

Speaker 1 Maybe this is just fresh packaging on the same patterns, the same non-showing up patterns. I don't know.

Speaker 2 I mean, I'm working on it.

Speaker 2 I do a lot of work in companies, but a big part of my career is doing this work in school systems. And so I have a program called Ruler that's in 5,000 schools across the United States.

Speaker 2 And I think I'm raising a bunch of,

Speaker 2 you know, I call them Uncle Marvin's because Uncle Marvin was my hero in my life.

Speaker 2 And he was the person who gave me the permission to feel.

Speaker 2 And so I feel like, you know, what do we do to create a world filled with people who have these characteristics? That's kind of my vision and hope.

Speaker 2 But that's, you know, that's a piece of it.

Speaker 2 And so we've gone from mindsets to language to kind of deactivating our nervous system to having the self-talk that's productive instead of destructive to having these, I call them emotional allies,

Speaker 2 meaning the people that we can share and talk to, talk

Speaker 2 our emotions with.

Speaker 2 And then there is the piece that a lot of athletes are really knowledgeable about. It's the sleep habits.
It's the nutrition. It's the physical activity.

Speaker 2 We know those three things directly correlate with our ability to regulate emotions effectively. And I think a lot of people misunderstand that.
They think, oh, it's about my health. No, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 If you don't get good quality sleep, you're going to lose it in the morning with your kid. You're just not going to have replenished.
And

Speaker 2 emotion regulation takes effort.

Speaker 2 And so if you don't have the time to rejuvenate, you're going to have a much shorter fuse.

Speaker 2 And the final thing that I really help people do

Speaker 2 in my book is I want them to imagine

Speaker 2 that they have an identity

Speaker 2 as someone who is well regulated.

Speaker 2 And I stole this from a personal trainer. Okay.

Speaker 2 And stealing it is not the right way, but I got the idea from him. So during the pandemic, I decided I'm going to, you know, I'm going to get fit again.
And I met this guy named Marco.

Speaker 2 and online fitness expert

Speaker 2 and

Speaker 2 and i you know I was never, I was a martial artist. I was very athletic, but not a weightlifter.
I decided that I'm going to become a dude. I'm going to lift weights.
And so

Speaker 2 this process of going from, you know, I'm a 50-year-old psychologist. Why am I doing deadlifts? You know,

Speaker 2 like,

Speaker 2 I had so much negative self-talk. I was like, this is ridiculous.
Like, why am I doing this? Like, I've been married for 27 years. Like, who cares what my body looks like?

Speaker 2 And it was like, that was the first phase of getting rid of the negative self-talk. Right.
Then the second phase was,

Speaker 2 wow, I'm actually enjoying this.

Speaker 2 I see a difference. This is cool.
Like, that's some definition. But by about two years into it,

Speaker 2 I could not not work out.

Speaker 2 Like, even today, like at this point, it's been like five years now. And I have a little app and I work, like, I have to do my four workouts a week.

Speaker 2 And I'm like irritable and like antsy if I don't get that working in workout in and I think it's because I now identify as someone who lists weights just part of my identity

Speaker 2 my vision is that we can apply that in our society to emotion regulation

Speaker 2 that if we had people walking around saying like

Speaker 2 you know I had done it I'm this is like I'm a master at managing emotions like think about if you were triggered by someone you'd just be like the yoda of emotional intelligence

Speaker 2 whatever heck you can't you can't can't harm me.

Speaker 2 So that's my vision. I don't know.
What do you think about that?

Speaker 1 I certainly think that when you begin to identify as something, it's a powerful route to

Speaker 1 reinforcing all of the habits that come below it.

Speaker 1 I think, yeah,

Speaker 1 people identify with an emotion. I am.
an anxious person. I am an irritable person.
I have a short fuse. I tend to be really excitable.
I tend to be very enthusiastic.

Speaker 2 I get sad quickly.

Speaker 1 but not the meta skill of I have emotional fluidity. Emotions for me, they come and go.

Speaker 1 I am able to sit with emotion. I am brave with my emotions, right? Which is an interesting kind of meta skill to think about that.
That was something else that I learned last week.

Speaker 1 The kind of bravery that you need to be able to actually feel an emotion is way more bravery than it takes to suppress one.

Speaker 2 Correct.

Speaker 2 Go on. Go ahead.
No, no.

Speaker 2 I like where you were going a little while ago, which is that for somehow or another, we've accepted in our society, like, I'm an anxious person.

Speaker 2 And then it's like, oh, oh, oh, you know, I understand.

Speaker 2 Firstly, that's not true. Like, you're not, you know, your, your whole, you know,

Speaker 2 body composition and your DNA is not an anxious person. You know, you are feeling anxiety.
It's an experience that you're having. So that distance from the emotion is important

Speaker 2 because it will create a self-fulfilling prophecy. You know, just, you'll just, you'll, everything that you do in life, you will see through that lens.

Speaker 2 Well, why don't we give people the skills they need? And then they can identify as, guess what? You know, yes, I'm going to have anxiety. Yes, I'm going to have fear.

Speaker 2 Yes, I'm going to feel depressed if I don't get the job I wanted, but it's not the end of my life. It's not the end of the world.
I can reframe. I can try this.
I can do this. And I feel

Speaker 2 like we're just, that's going to be, it's a battle that I'm fighting right now in our society.

Speaker 2 Because there are a lot of people, by the way, who don't think this should be taught. They're thinking, keep this out of schools, keep this out of, you know, companies.

Speaker 2 This is not something that should be discussed or talked about, which is also

Speaker 2 a huge issue for me.

Speaker 1 Why do you think they say that?

Speaker 2 I think it's a number of reasons.

Speaker 2 One is that I think some parents believe that I should be in control of what my kid learns about healings.

Speaker 1 But not what they learn about maths or history.

Speaker 2 Right, exactly. Exactly.

Speaker 2 And I think it's because

Speaker 2 there's a fear base, you know, that, you know, that their kid is going to be told what their values are or the kid is going to be told what they should be doing.

Speaker 2 When the truth is in our work, which is, you know, again, in 5,000 schools, it's far from that.

Speaker 2 It's, you know, I know from the research across all populations what works to help people regulate their emotions. Why I wrote a book on how to deal with your feelings.

Speaker 2 And so that's not Mark's opinion.

Speaker 2 This is research. People always ask me, what do you think about this? What is your opinion? I'm like, don't ask me my opinion.

Speaker 1 I'm a science. I'm going to tell you what the research says.

Speaker 2 Exactly. I go back to the science.
I don't want to be blamed for my opinion.

Speaker 1 To

Speaker 1 play devil's advocate for the parents, there is...

Speaker 1 Something to do with a child's emotional fluidity and emotional regulation that feels closer to their sense of identity, who they are truly, which is part of the lineage from parent to child, that

Speaker 1 the way that they join the letter E to the letter S or the way that they do their five times table does not feel the same.

Speaker 1 It does feel more sacred, more divine, more personal, more attached to that sense of self and identity. And if

Speaker 1 it feels like you're fucking with the source code, frankly. It feels like you're getting in there and fucking with the source code.
So I understand why there would be more trepidation about this.

Speaker 1 I didn't have this when I was in school. This wasn't something that was taught to me.
What if it changes and messes my kid up in some way?

Speaker 1 You know, he's gone in and he's changed the bootloader programming. You know, the kid can't turn on and it just keeps resetting or restarting or whatever.

Speaker 1 I think if you were to teach the parents and tell them these are the sorts of outcomes, as soon as you get an education piece, I think a lot of that falls away

Speaker 1 because the uncertainty is, hey, this is, you know,

Speaker 1 high,

Speaker 1 high-danger stuff that we're playing with here. I'm happy to undo little Timmy's five times table being a little bit wrecked because the maths teacher was off.

Speaker 1 I don't like the idea of trying to reframe his relationship with shame because of, you know, what happened in that way.

Speaker 1 If they had, I am.

Speaker 1 reliably confident that this thing is going to be good for my kid, I think that

Speaker 1 there would still be some pushback because like stop fucking with the inner workings of my child.

Speaker 1 But I think that that would be alleviated. That, I think, is my like

Speaker 1 gracious interpretation of why parents feel the work that they do.

Speaker 2 And, you know, it's not all parents, it's some parents, but yes. And, you know, a lot of parents are like, thank God you're doing this because I don't know what the heck I'm doing.

Speaker 2 And by the way,

Speaker 2 it makes it sound like kids don't have feelings in school, like they're anxious in math class or they get left out at, you know, at gym or nobody wants to sit with them at the lunch table and we're just going to ignore that like that's ridiculous the kid is experiencing life six to seven eight hours a day let's make sure the kid is aware of what they're feeling has the courage to speak up and has the strategies to manage the frustration the overwhelm the scare I mean that just

Speaker 2 there's I can't imagine that like that really makes a lot of sense to me

Speaker 2 And I hear you on that.

Speaker 2 You know, one thing I'll just, I'll push back on your pushback as a little role play here is that you know given that anxiety in our society has gone up like 50 in the last 30 years um like just parents like you're not doing such a good job

Speaker 2 so

Speaker 1 yeah yeah show me the alternative i you know i didn't deal with my emotions and my son's not going to deal with his either yeah yeah yeah yeah

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Speaker 1 I'm interested, what are the most challenging emotions to work with?

Speaker 1 Does it vary from person to person? I imagine it must do. There will be some that are more sort of deeply seated.

Speaker 1 Our genetic predisposition, our dopamine baseline, you know, predisposes us to whatever affect.

Speaker 1 But generally, are there certain emotions that are more difficult to work with and easier to work with?

Speaker 2 I think in general, what we call the self-conscious emotions are the hardest to deal with because when they are about you as a human being, like the shame kind of family,

Speaker 2 that's tough. It's not like dealing with, you know, I'm a little, I felt afraid of, you know, going to the park as a kid.
You know, it's that I have diminished self-worth.

Speaker 2 Like someone has made me believe that I'm not worthy. It's a lot more work to repair.

Speaker 2 The jealousy emotions, the feeling that, you know, people confuse, by the way, what's the difference between jealousy and envy?

Speaker 1 Oh, I think I should know this.

Speaker 1 Jealousy is wanting someone to not have it. And envy is sort of about wishing that

Speaker 1 you were where someone else is. Is that right?

Speaker 2 You got to be close.

Speaker 2 Close enough.

Speaker 2 So envy is just wanting what the person has, right? It's a, yeah, that's like, gosh, I wish I could have that.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's jealousy is fearing that somebody else getting it is going to take it away from you

Speaker 2 hey

Speaker 1 i'm not bullshitting i've spent a lot of time trying to think about emotions okay like i i'm really happy with my grades so far on this you're doing well pop pop quiz that wasn't a word

Speaker 2 hey wait wait wait wait this is not a pop psychology quiz this is a real you know no pop is in i wasn't prepared for it you

Speaker 2 like uh

Speaker 1 sprung it upon me um there you go okay so the the self-consciousness emotions why so like jealousy is a big one because

Speaker 2 like there's not a lot of control you know when you're jealous of you know that mom is giving your sister your brother more attention than you and you feel like their their relationship is stronger than yours

Speaker 2 that's a lot to work with right there's there's a lot of layers to that kind of um management and you you really can't do it alone the same thing with the shame it's very hard to manage shame on your own oftentimes we need other people people to help us kind of regain our perspective

Speaker 1 yeah that's interesting okay i i'm interested if there is a distinction between feeling emotions and dealing with them

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 what the line looks like between those two things i imagine it must be difficult to uh regulate or deal with emotions without feeling them uh but you presumably can feel them without dealing with them.

Speaker 1 And I don't know how much feeling you need to do in order to be able to do, like,

Speaker 1 how do you start to delineate the territory there?

Speaker 2 Well, this is an interesting conversation around like the language of emotion.

Speaker 2 So, there's feelings, there's emotions, there's moods, there's dispositions, there's mental illnesses, and they're all different.

Speaker 2 So, should we go there for a minute? Sure.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 So, an emotion is typically an automatic response to a stimulus

Speaker 2 that comes from something in our heads or something in our environments that causes up to, that causes us to have a shift in our thinking, in our motivation, in our expression, in our behavior.

Speaker 2 That's rooted in our entire life. That's the piece that I think people miss.
That when we're experiencing an emotion, it's not just from that moment. It's coming from our entire life

Speaker 2 to that moment. That's an emotion.
A feeling is just a private subjective experience. You know, I don't feel like talking to Chris today.
I don't feel like going to the movies.

Speaker 2 You know, that, I don't get a good feeling when I think about that person.

Speaker 2 That could be in your body. It could be your head.
It's a little

Speaker 2 more kind of this kind of subjective experience. A mood can be based off of an emotion or a feeling, but it's different because it's longer in duration and less intense.

Speaker 2 So, like I'm irritable. I don't know what it is, but I'm in a great mood today.
That's a mood. You don't really know where it came from.

Speaker 2 It could be the weather, it could be lingering good news from yesterday.

Speaker 2 A disposition is something we were kind of getting at earlier, which is, I tend to be on the anxiety spectrum. You know, I tend to be more sad in general.

Speaker 2 I tend to be that kind of like everything's going to be great.

Speaker 2 That's more your disposition.

Speaker 2 And then, obviously you know depression diagnosis you know those are diagnoses and so i think people don't really know that granularity if you want to call it that in the language of emotion and that could be helpful for people to kind of just just know

Speaker 1 i thought i certainly think that there is a a difference a difficulty with people confusing the two feeling an emotion dealing with it it's like i'm feeling my anxiety it's like okay

Speaker 2 Yeah, I didn't get to answer your question yet.

Speaker 2 So that was just my, I mean, kind of like being Mr. Professor for a minute to give people like this kind of nuance in language for feelings, moods, et cetera.

Speaker 2 You were asking earlier about the difference between kind of feeling your feelings and dealing with your feelings. And my point is that we don't have to deal with all of our feelings.

Speaker 2 Sometimes they just, they're ephemeral. Oh, hi, anxiety.
You're here for a minute. Welcome.
See you soon. No big deal.

Speaker 2 We get a little frustrated in a meeting. We're like, it's going to go away.
Like, how much is this going to really impact me right now? Let it go.

Speaker 2 It's when we feel like the emotion that we're experiencing is going to interfere with our relationship, with our learning, with our

Speaker 2 decisions, you know, with our performance. That's when you really need to regulate.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's interesting.

Speaker 1 I want to talk about shame. I think that shame is really interesting.

Speaker 1 What do you

Speaker 1 how do you come to think about shame? Is it a meta-emotion?

Speaker 1 Is it in a unique category in some way, given that shame is often one of those second order things that I feel a thing and I have shame around it?

Speaker 2 I would say that

Speaker 2 as I

Speaker 2 think shame,

Speaker 2 we would put in that in the category of a self-conscious emotion. But I think

Speaker 2 the difficulty with shame is that we don't put shame upon ourselves for the most part.

Speaker 2 We We are shamed

Speaker 2 by people. Someone else has decided that we're not worthy, and they do everything they can to convince us of that, and then we believe it.
And that goes back to the gaslighting piece.

Speaker 2 I think most of the shame that we experience in life is because of other people gaslighting us.

Speaker 1 Say a little bit more about the gaslighting thing. You don't really feel that.
You shouldn't feel that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, gaslighting is when essentially at the heart of gaslighting is that the reality that someone else has created for you is something that you now believe.

Speaker 1 Could you give us an example in the world of emotions? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Let's say, you know, you know, Chris, you're just so sensitive.

Speaker 2 You know, have you ever,

Speaker 2 have you realized like you're, you're just too sensitive? And then in the beginning, you're like, you know, well, maybe I am.

Speaker 2 I don't think I am. But after a while, I've convinced you that you start believing that you are too sensitive.
That's gaslighting.

Speaker 2 What if it's true?

Speaker 2 No one can be too sensitive.

Speaker 1 Sorry about that. Now, that I am very interested in hearing more about.
I had highly sensitive people

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 what that means and whether you've looked into that.

Speaker 1 uh yeah as something that i thought i wanted to talk about so uh give me give me more on that yeah i mean it's like having too much self-compassion.

Speaker 2 Like there's no such thing.

Speaker 2 All of this is about emotional intelligence, at least what I'm talking about here. So yes, you may be prone to being sensitive.
I'm a very sensitive person, but my emotion regulation is, Mark,

Speaker 2 without it being someone else's decision, do you think you're being too sensitive about this?

Speaker 2 Do you think that, you know, oh, okay, maybe this is an instance where I am being a little too overreactive? Okay, I can give myself that. But it can't be someone else's definition for you.

Speaker 2 That's just not cool.

Speaker 1 I think

Speaker 1 when people think about being too sensitive, what they mean is your level of emotional reactivity

Speaker 2 is

Speaker 1 non-functional. in the real world and puts you on the back foot.
Is that a fair assessment, do you think, of kind of like how some people think about it?

Speaker 2 It is. I don't think it's the right way to think about it.
I think what you're getting at is that that person can't regulate.

Speaker 2 They don't have the strategies. They have allowed someone.

Speaker 1 Oh, that makes, yeah, I know exactly what you mean. So

Speaker 1 you are too sensitive is you seem to feel things and not be able to deal with them. Not you seem to be feeling things.

Speaker 2 Correct. Right.
But

Speaker 1 if you are somebody that is of the highly sensitive persuasion, it's almost like

Speaker 1 it's almost like coming from a family of fat people or something. Like you have greater ghrelin release.
You have a bigger stomach. You have a lower BMR or whatever.

Speaker 1 You, my friend, unfortunately are going to have to do more work to stay in shape than

Speaker 1 person from skinny family with smaller stomach, less ghrelin, higher BMR.

Speaker 1 Do you see it kind of in that sort of a way way that people who are more prone to sensitivity, i.e., feel things more deeply, both up and down depth,

Speaker 1 that there is if you're not going to be able to do that,

Speaker 2 no, I think sensitivity is just one example.

Speaker 2 I mean, I have a friend who is a former tennis coach who has so much energy, she makes me want to like crawl under a blanket, you know, and it's like, calm down.

Speaker 2 Your energy is killing me. So she needs to know how to down-regulate

Speaker 2 because of her kind of endless need to be enthusiastic and excited about things. I'm like, gosh, like, can you calm down?

Speaker 2 I, on the other hand, am someone who, you know, I would rather go for a cup of coffee and sit at a wine bar. And sometimes she's like, you know, Mark, come on, like, can we get a little energy here?

Speaker 2 Like, like, did I come on? I'm like, that's not me.

Speaker 2 However, as someone who presents a lot at conferences, I can't be like talking like I'm in a coffee shop for an hour and a half on a presentation, right?

Speaker 2 I've got to get myself out of my comfort zone and like be the entertainer and tell the jokes and like

Speaker 2 and that's draining for me, whereas it's not draining for her. She could do it all day long, but but she's draining for me.

Speaker 2 Do you feel like we all, it's like it's about self-awareness and social awareness.

Speaker 2 And so it's not that anything is bad. I just think that's a bad way to think about it.
Like we are who we are. People are people.
You know, unless you're being mean and cruel,

Speaker 2 then you know, be who you are. Unless you're self-harming, be who you are.

Speaker 2 You have to learn that you have to navigate who you are in relationships and in leadership positions, sports teams, whatever it is. And that's where the regulation piece comes in.

Speaker 2 That's where it's like, oh, I'm aware that I'm talking too much. Mark, shut up.
Come to the point.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think that's what I'm saying. But do you get what I'm saying?

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, I do. I do completely.

Speaker 1 We are who we are.

Speaker 1 Sometimes the right amount of that is great.

Speaker 1 And sometimes too much of it requires a little bit of regression or progression to some other kind of like optimal mean, how we want to show up as best for ourselves, how it's good to show up for other people in the world, non-judgmental, empathetic, good listener, et cetera.

Speaker 1 And to also achieve the things that we want to. If you're a performer on stage, you want to show up differently to if you're a poet that works in the woods or a, you know,

Speaker 1 a woodworker that's just down the street.

Speaker 1 I think the reason that I lingered on the highly sensitive people bit is that it seems to me kind of highly sensitive people are the hyper responders to the work that you're interested in.

Speaker 1 If they are very sensitive, then they're going to feel emotions, which is the currency that you're trafficking in, more than other people.

Speaker 1 If you imagine whatever a highly sensitive person is on one end of the spectrum and a

Speaker 1 highly insensitive person or whatever that that is on the other end of the spectrum, I have to assume that the tactics and techniques that you're talking about, the sitting with emotions, the working with them, integrating them, fluidity, regulation, the insensitive person simply is feeling less.

Speaker 1 The resolution with which they are feeling emotions is not as great as the person on the other end.

Speaker 2 100%.

Speaker 1 And with that, it means that you are, as a highly sensitive person, not burdened, but kind of obliged in a way. If you want to show up fully,

Speaker 1 there are skills that you need to use. and maybe more so than your insensitive friend.

Speaker 2 So to put it in like the language of personality psychology,

Speaker 2 I am one of those people. I have a high startal reflex.

Speaker 2 You know, I'm like, I have a fifth-degree black belt, and I'm walking down the streets and like there's a big noise.

Speaker 2 I'm like, you know, and everybody's like, I thought you were the fifth-degree black belt.

Speaker 2 Look, I am the fifth-degree black, but I'm just afraid of my shadow. I can protect myself, but like, my, I have a very high startal reflex.
I'll fuck you up, but first, I'm going to jump. Exactly.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'll gather myself quickly. Don't worry.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 piece of it is that I'm also high in a personality trait called neuroticism. And so I am sensitive to my environment.

Speaker 2 I am someone who is like, I'm moody, then I'm fine, then a little moody, then I'm irritable, then I'm not irritable. I just, I've been that way.
I'm 56. It's proven this is my personality.

Speaker 2 For a hundred years, well, I'm 56. For 35 of my life, years of my life before I became an expert in this, I assumed that was my destiny.

Speaker 2 I assumed that my personality and my temperament was just, that's who I am. I'm a person who experiences these emotions and there's nothing you can do about it.

Speaker 2 And then I did research on this and I found that there's zero correlation between that personality trait and emotional intelligence. Why is that? Because guess what?

Speaker 2 Someone like me, I have a lot of opportunities to practice my skills. You know, because I get a little worried before I meet, I'm like, Mark, take your breath.
Mark, think this way.

Speaker 2 Mark, you got this. You've done 500 of these meetings.
You know, I'm I'm using those strategies and I enter that meeting, not like this, but just like that.

Speaker 2 Someone who is more on the resilient side, or someone who is less volatile or steady, you might say, or emotionally stable is the word we use in psychology. They're kind of more even-keeled.

Speaker 2 The problem with those people is that shit happens.

Speaker 2 And they may not have as much preparation as a person who's like me, the sensitive person. So again, it's not a strength or a weakness.

Speaker 2 It's just that you have to know who you are and be aware that the person who's more even killed, all of a sudden there's a death in the family and they're just, they've never really had a lot of emotions to deal with.

Speaker 2 And all of a sudden, it's like, oh my gosh, I don't even know where to go with this. I can't deal with my grief or my sadness.

Speaker 2 Does this make sense?

Speaker 1 Absolutely.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, completely.

Speaker 1 I would say, look,

Speaker 1 one of the big things that I learned, and it's cool, it's really serendipitous that I was talking to you this week after the last week that I spent.

Speaker 1 You know, this is a full week retreat, and I ended up on a farm in Sonoma County for nine days, and it's been incredibly formative to me. And to be honest, I'm still

Speaker 1 trying to work out what the fuck it all means.

Speaker 1 And it's a different sort of language. It's me getting below the neck, not sort of above the neck.

Speaker 1 But I realized, and I've known for a while, but was, I think, embarrassed to sort of admit it, that I'm also, I would put myself in the whatever it is, one in five five highly sensitive people category.

Speaker 1 And I didn't like that. I didn't like the idea of thinking about my sensitivity because I didn't see it as a strength.
I saw it.

Speaker 1 I grew up in the most blue-collar working class town in the northeast of the UK.

Speaker 1 It's state primary, state secondary, state sixth form college, played

Speaker 1 a sport where you're around men, working class men from the age of 12, 13 until I was 20. There wasn't much room for that to come through.

Speaker 1 I didn't have many role models of people who were integrating or regulating or being fluid with their emotions in a good way. And I think

Speaker 1 it hadn't been rewarded by the environment and it's, it's difficult to deal with. So suppression for me was much easier.
And last week,

Speaker 1 having spent, I spent a lot of time like just, you know, staring into the abyss of my own emotions and the abyss staring back at me and sometimes punching me in the nuts.

Speaker 1 I was really proud. It's the first time, I think,

Speaker 1 in my life that I really saw the depth of my sensitivity and realized how proud I was of it.

Speaker 1 Holy shit,

Speaker 1 look at how it's enabled you to show up for people.

Speaker 1 Not how dare you, because that's very judgmental, but like what a

Speaker 1 how unfortunate that you haven't realized what a blessing it is and how what a shame. And I grieved.
I grieved over the fact that I'd been mean to myself myself about my sensitivity.

Speaker 1 It's like, fuck, like, you were so nasty to yourself about feeling stuff. Like, who says that you shouldn't feel stuff? Who says that you shouldn't do that?

Speaker 4 And

Speaker 1 yeah, I, you know, for the,

Speaker 1 I get the sense that this is the sort of podcast that attracts people who feel things pretty deeply. Like, why are you listening to 90 Minutes on Emotions if you are not someone that's like, what?

Speaker 2 Anxiety? I don't know what you're talking about.

Speaker 1 So, yeah, I just,

Speaker 1 it was a really enlightening experience for me to see, fuck, like, that's a strength. It's a real strength that I have.

Speaker 1 And I shouldn't be ashamed of it. So, yeah, I'm very pro highly sensitive people at the moment.

Speaker 2 Well, I think what you're really pro, not to put words in your mouth, is going back to permission to feel. Like you're pro allowing yourself to feel.

Speaker 2 And maybe that will help you show up for other people in your life as non-judgmental, as a good listener, you know, and as

Speaker 2 empathic and compassionate. I didn't share with you the outcome of this, though.
So what I find in my research is that people

Speaker 2 who had that Uncle Marvin, you know, that permission to feel,

Speaker 2 in adulthood, they sleep better,

Speaker 2 better mental health, better physical health, greater life satisfaction, and greater purpose and meaning in life. So for those of you who are thinking, oh, you know, does this really matter?

Speaker 2 Is this just like like these soft attributes? No, actually,

Speaker 2 you providing the opportunity for people to grow up in an environment where they can feel and talk about their feelings and learn strategies to deal with them is producing people who are healthier, happier, and more effective.

Speaker 1 Is it possible to be too self-aware?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Sorry.

Speaker 2 Again, it all goes back to regulation. It all goes back.
You know, one thing that we didn't talk about yet is this idea of being an emotion scientist about your life.

Speaker 2 And, you know, again, most of us are emotion judges. You know, we're not that self-aware.
You know, we're like, I'm feeling fine. I'm, you know, I'm ignoring my feelings.

Speaker 2 I'm thinking that this is who I am and I can't change. But the emotion scientist is always kind of checking in, like, did hell I regulate that work?

Speaker 2 Did it not work? What might I do differently next time? The emotional scientist says, Did I really know how I felt in that moment?

Speaker 2 Um, or

Speaker 2 maybe I need to really think, like get on that app and like plot the real feeling that I'm having. So that endless curiosity is actually helpful,

Speaker 2 but it's not, and this is a really, I'm glad you brought this up because another one of the pushbacks. Remember the whole parenting thing we're talking about?

Speaker 2 Well, another pushback that I get is: Mark is trying to make a world filled with self-indulgent people.

Speaker 2 And I'm like,

Speaker 2 there's a big difference between self-awareness and self-indulgence. I do not want you or me or anybody checking in with their feelings 500 times a day.
That is unhelpful.

Speaker 2 That will cause you to ruminate. That will cause you to go nuts.
What I want us to do is I want us to look at our lives and think,

Speaker 2 how am I feeling in general? That's a good question to ask yourself.

Speaker 2 But throughout the day, there are strategic moments like when you walk into your office or before a podcast podcast or before you go home or before you're making an important decision, just check in.

Speaker 2 How am I feeling? Is this feeling helpful? Is it unhelpful? What emotion would be most helpful to achieve my goal? That's the goal of emotional intelligence.

Speaker 2 That's great.

Speaker 1 I wonder whether emotional regulation is sometimes a mask for people pleasing.

Speaker 2 I have to think about that one for a second. Is emotion regulation? Well, I think

Speaker 2 if it's in authentic regulation, right? If it's, you know, yes.

Speaker 2 But real emotion regulation, you know, the subtitle of my book is it's dealing with feeling use your emotions to create the life you want.

Speaker 2 And I think that's the key element here is that

Speaker 2 we deserve to have the best lives ever. We can have all the money in the world.
We can have all the objects in the world and all the fame in the world.

Speaker 2 But if we don't like ourselves, like if I don't wake up and say, you know, Mark, you're a good guy. And if I'm not trying to make the world a better place, whether it's in my career or in my office,

Speaker 2 and using strategies wisely to do that, to me, you know, at least for me, my life isn't worth living.

Speaker 1 I think emotional regulation as a mask for people pleasing is

Speaker 1 confusing.

Speaker 1 emotional regulation for compromising boundaries. It's, oh, this thing has happened.

Speaker 1 I'm going to allow the emotion to move through me and then it not be a signal for my action on the other side of it that you almost neutralize

Speaker 1 the emotional signal. So you could imagine somebody who does do emotional regulation as people pleasing.
Thing happens, I'm agitated, I'm frustrated, I'm angry, I'm upset, I'm whatever.

Speaker 1 And you don't use that to say, hey, when you did that thing, it made me feel X or this is something that occurred and it's not going, I don't want it to happen again.

Speaker 1 If you start shouting, I'm going to leave the house and I'm going to come back in 15 minutes. And if you're still shouting, I'm going to leave the house and I'm going to come back in 15 minutes.

Speaker 1 Like emotional regulation, I think is the concern around that and how it leads into people pleasing is to do the first bit, but like to do the sensing bit, but not to do the deploying bit.

Speaker 2 Well, you're giving the example of poor regulation, which is out of fear, a partner in a relationship might say, no, it's okay, honey. It's okay.

Speaker 2 You know, I didn't mean it, but you did mean it, you know? And so that's an excuse for not actually dealing with your feeling. It's actually not dealing with the feeling because

Speaker 2 the real strategy for dealing with the relational issue is to have the difficult conversation. But because you're afraid of the outcome of that, you decide to people please or suppress or deny.

Speaker 1 Okay, if someone who's listening,

Speaker 2 this is like my new test of emotional intelligence. I like this.
Keep going.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. No,

Speaker 1 this next one should be a fucking straight down the center of the plate for you. Someone that's listening realizes emotional habits are bad.
They're reactive or defensive or avoidant or whatever.

Speaker 1 What is the first step to reshaping them, in your opinion?

Speaker 2 I think the first step is, A, you've acknowledged it. Like, just acknowledge the fact that

Speaker 2 the way I'm dealing with my feelings is not working for me to have the life I want.

Speaker 2 Awareness is the first step.

Speaker 2 I would ask your, you know, I would ask people to maybe, you know, they can read, they can download an app, just build knowledge. You have to have knowledge.

Speaker 2 You can't, this is not like, you're not born with these skills and strategies. You've got to learn the strategies.
You know, I didn't know there was something called positive self-talk.

Speaker 2 I just looked in the mirror and had self-hatred for so many years of my life. And then all of a sudden it said to me, Mark, you know, you could think about this from a different lens.

Speaker 2 You can reappraise. You can reframe.

Speaker 2 I was like, wow, what the heck is that? I never heard of that one before.

Speaker 2 And so I think people just have to learn the skills. And then you got to practice them over and over and over again.
Because this is,

Speaker 2 you know, a lot of us have to unlearn. Like you're telling me, by the way, my research in

Speaker 2 the UK was there were no, there was no cultural differences in the attributes, but only 18% of people said they grew up with someone who gave them permission to feel.

Speaker 2 So other places about a third. UK was 18%.
So we got to do some, we got to push some love over to the UK.

Speaker 1 That does not surprise me.

Speaker 2 But I think awareness is the first step. Build your vocabulary is the next step.
Just be more, like really be curious about how you're feeling.

Speaker 2 And then ask yourself, you know, is how I'm feeling, is how I'm dealing with my feelings working for me or against me? And I use different criteria. I use things like, just generally, am I happy?

Speaker 2 What's my well-being? Am I making the choices that are best for me? How are my relationships? How are my goals? Am I achieving what I want in my professional life?

Speaker 2 And if the answer is no to any of those, then start looking for those patterns, as you said. And then learn the strategies.
and practice them for the rest of your life. Because

Speaker 2 I thought,

Speaker 2 like I said, when the pandemic hit, like, Mark, you're the director of the Center for Emotional Intelligence, you got this. And it was like, whoa,

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 And now, you know, five years later, I got it a little bit more because I wrote a whole book on it.

Speaker 2 So the way I like, for me, the way I do it is like, I have to translate everything that I think I know into writing because then I actually know what I'm talking about.

Speaker 2 And now I feel like, oh, wow, I got more.

Speaker 2 I really know this stuff now. Am I good at it all? Absolutely not.
It's going to take

Speaker 2 no way.

Speaker 1 Dr. Mark Brackett, ladies and gentlemen, Mark, you're great.
I really appreciate you. I think your work's wonderful.
Where should people go? They want to check out all of your stuff.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think they should go to my personal website, which is just Mark Brackett, M-A-R-C-B-R-A-C-K-E-T-T dot com. I'm on Instagram, LinkedIn, and my book is called Dealing with Feeling.

Speaker 1 Heck yeah. Mark, I appreciate you.

Speaker 2 Thank you. Thank you.

Speaker 5 When I first started doing personal growth, I really really wanted to read the best books, the most impactful ones, the most entertaining ones, the ones that were the easiest to read and the most dense and interesting.

Speaker 5 But there wasn't a list of them. So I scoured and scoured and scoured and then gave up and just started reading on my own.
And then I made a list of 100 of the best books that I've ever found.

Speaker 5 And you can get that for free right now.

Speaker 5 So if you want to spend more time around great books that aren't going to completely kill your memory and your attention just trying to get through a single page, go to chriswillx.com/slash books to get my list completely free of 100 books you should read before you die.

Speaker 5 That's chriswillx.com/slash books.