Episode Revisit: Santa’s Dark Helpers

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Hey, weirdos. I'm Elena.
And I'm Ash. And this is a mini morbid.
Mini morbid.

Speaker 1 We like it.

Speaker 1 We didn't plan that. Unplanned.
I went rogue. Unsolicited morbid.

Speaker 1 So yeah, welcome to the, it's kind of like a mini mini-morbid episode. That's what our second episode of the week will be.
Yeah. From here on out, I think.

Speaker 1 These are going to be faster and looser, and there's not going to be any housekeeping or anything. So, we're just going to dive right into it.
Let's go do it.

Speaker 1 Our first episode happens to fall during the holiday season. So, we decided: Merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, Merry Kwanza, Happy Winter Solstice,

Speaker 1 all that stuff. Yeah, Happy holidays.
Happy holidays.

Speaker 1 So we're going to be hitting some creepy ass holiday traditions. And tonight we are going to be talking about not Santa Claus, but his dark ass helpers.
The dark ones.

Speaker 1 Now, I'm just going to come out and say Europe has some scary ass Christmas traditions. Yeah, they do.

Speaker 1 I respect it because they are all about teaching kids to be good or they're going to be like disemboweled or eaten or beaten with branches. Like, they don't fuck around.

Speaker 1 That's why American kids are just such assholes. We don't get scared into not being assholes.
We don't have enough demons that are in our holidays to scare kids. You know, it's where we went wrong.

Speaker 1 It's one of the many places we went wrong.

Speaker 1 One of the many places.

Speaker 1 So basically,

Speaker 1 what's interesting is most of these traditions that we're going to talk about, they're kind of earlier pagan traditions that have just been adapted to modern use.

Speaker 1 So they kind of change throughout the years. A lot of them get less scary.
Like they started out way scarier and then they kind of turn into something better.

Speaker 1 Which I think Santa Claus himself, which we're not going to cover tonight, maybe we'll cover him in another one. But Santa Claus himself started off as like super scary and fucked up.

Speaker 1 Well, he sees you when you're sleeping and he knows when you're awake. Yeah, that alone is scary.
So, yeah. Like, why? I don't even get the point of that.

Speaker 1 Why does he need to see you when you're sleeping? I know, because what do you do when that's bad when you're sleeping? You're just chilling. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So that's kind of fucked up. Yeah.
Santa, get away. Santa, calm down.
Santa, why don't you have any chill? Yeah. He's like pulling a night stalker.
I was just thinking that.

Speaker 1 So most of these traditions, like we said before, they really focus on making your kids behave. That's the main, the main focus for, it seems, European households during Christmas season.

Speaker 1 Hashtag German parenting. Yeah, it's just to scare the shit out of your kids to make them behave.
Hey, I respect it, man.

Speaker 1 So the first one I'm going to hit tonight for Santa's Little Helpers is arguably the most infamous, probably the one that a lot of people know about. Krampus.
It's Krampus. Good old Krampus.
Krampus.

Speaker 1 Krampus's roots actually don't really have a lot to do with Christmas. Now we've turned him into a Christmas thing, but they dated back to pre-Germanic paganism in the region.

Speaker 1 So his name was originally Krampen, which means claw. And basically the legend was that he was the son of the Norse god of the underworld, hell.
Fine. Like literally just hell.
Which he kind of is.

Speaker 1 He still is.

Speaker 1 During the 12th century, actually, the Catholic Church tried to banish any Krampus celebrations or any kind of like having him to do with anything because they said he was basically the devil. Oh.

Speaker 1 And actually, in 1934, as recently as 1934, Austria's conservative Christian Social Party also tried to have him eradicated. But none of these things have held, and Krampus has lived on.

Speaker 1 Krampus lives on. He lives on.
So he traditionally is seen visually to have a long,

Speaker 1 like gross tongue. Gene Simmons-esque.
Yeah, literally. And it's like a forked, long tongue.
It's like creepy. Key.
He's kind of, he's like half demon, half goat.

Speaker 1 Same. Me too.

Speaker 1 Same.

Speaker 1 And he's also seemed to have one human foot and one cloven hoof.

Speaker 1 But I couldn't find anything to like why that is.

Speaker 1 I don't know if it's just to make him even creepier. I don't know.

Speaker 1 In a 1958 article about the Krampus legend in Styria, which is a state in southeast Austria, they said that Krampus would deliver gold-painted bundles of birch sticks to children.

Speaker 1 These things, these gold-painted bundles, were actually smaller versions of the switches that he uses to beat people with. So,

Speaker 1 you know, typical. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And what the families would do of these children, once they would get these little bundles of, you know, birch branches, they would hang hang these birch branches in their house all year round as decoration to remind the kids to stay in line.

Speaker 1 Or you're gonna get your ass beat by Krampus, yeah. Like he was like, Hey, remember when Krampus brought us his beaten stick? That's gonna stay on our wall all year.
That's a heavy metal.

Speaker 1 Stay in line. Um, so Krampus himself comes around on the night of December 5th, and he comes around with Saint Nick.

Speaker 1 But again, he's like the anti-Santa. Um, excuse me? What? Today is December 5th.

Speaker 1 Holy shit.

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 1 Did not plan that. Did not realize that.
Hope we've been good.

Speaker 1 Because Krampus is coming to town. Krampus is coming to town.
It's not so catchy. He's bringing a branch.
He's beaten you twice. He doesn't give a shit if you finale nice.
No, he does, though.

Speaker 1 He gives a huge shit. I don't think he does because he's just going to beat the kids anyways.

Speaker 1 I don't think krampus cares if you've been good oh i thought it was only the bad kids well i think that's kind of like supposed to be it but he seems like he's just kind of an asshole

Speaker 1 we'll go on

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 so while santa is you know handing out candy because in a lot of these countries kids will put out shoes on these nights so that that's where their goodies are left in it's just like a tradition i don't have a shoe big enough for all the i want

Speaker 1 so saint nick will put like candy in the shoes of kids that were good. And I guess in Austria, they'll do,

Speaker 1 and I think in Germany, I'm not sure, but some of our German listeners can tell me if this happened there before or if they do it now. Valeska.

Speaker 1 They'll leave birch twigs in the shoes of kids that are bad. Valeska, tell us.
So, so that's what Saint Nick just leaves like, you know, twigs in your shoes. And it's like, you've been naughty.

Speaker 1 Here's a twig.

Speaker 1 But Krampus is like, oh, you've been naughty. All right.
I'm going to take you out of of your bed. I'm going to beat you with this birch branch or with this fucking.

Speaker 1 It's called a switch, which is basically like a whip made out of branches. And then he's also going to take these kids and he's going to stuff them in a sack that he has.

Speaker 1 And then he's going to haul their asses off. And he's either going to take them straight to hell or he's going to dump them in a body of water along the way to drown our asses.

Speaker 1 He stuffs them in a sack? Yeah. That's fucked up.
I like that all you got out of that was stuff them in a sack when it finished with, and takes them to hell or drowns them. Well, drowning would suck.

Speaker 1 I feel like hell would just be like, you know. And I love that you're like, wait, he puts them in a sack?

Speaker 1 I mean, like, that's fucked up. That is fucked up.
He just throws them in the sack. What the hell?

Speaker 1 Oh, I love it. So,

Speaker 1 so also on on December 5th, they celebrate Krampus Night, which they call Krampus Noct,

Speaker 1 which is really cool and metal sounding. But, um,

Speaker 1 Krampus Night is crazy. It's like public celebrations.
People dress up as Krampuses. So, there's just a shit ton of Krampuses walking the streets.
That sounds awesome.

Speaker 1 And like German dudes in Krampus costumes, and they don't just walk around. And it's not like this celebration that everyone's like, this is so fun.

Speaker 1 No, they literally beat bystanders, like these Krampuses walk around and they hit people with branches. Like, they literally beat you.
Is that allowed? Yeah,

Speaker 1 it's legal,

Speaker 1 yeah. And so, it sounds like the purge, kind of, it kind of is, except so.

Speaker 1 I read a couple of like um people who have gone to these things and have come back and been like, No, seriously, like they will beat you, like you will be beaten.

Speaker 1 And I guess they mainly go for your legs and your shins, but they literally beat your legs and shins with branches. And they will chase you into places to try to beat you with branches.
What?

Speaker 1 Like, this is legit.

Speaker 1 I'm not interested. Yeah, it's a lot.
And

Speaker 1 so because of this, there have been injuries and people obviously getting terrified and like traumatized. I mean, yeah.

Speaker 1 So because of this, they've kind of had to reform it a little bit. And

Speaker 1 there's some places that require all Krampuses to wear numbers so they can be identified in case of violent behavior. Krampus number 612 hit me in the face with that bridge.

Speaker 1 Krampus number 53 was the one who struck my shins. Krampus 4, settle down.
Settle down. Krampus 4, you're on the edge.
Krampus 4. Come on.
Keep it together.

Speaker 1 Keep it together. God, Krampus.
So, yeah.

Speaker 1 And I guess it's called like a Krampus run, where they just fucking run. Like it's fucking 5k.
It's like a turkey trot.

Speaker 1 Is your family running in the Krampus Knockt? Yeah, the Krampus Knocked. You know.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 and of course, the next day, so tomorrow is, I'm going to butcher. We're both going to butcher a lot of these pronunciations just so everybody knows.

Speaker 1 By all means, if you are Icelandic, German, Austrian, any of these, and you want to correct us, correct our asses because we will totally listen and we will correct it. We just got it.

Speaker 1 But we're doing the best we can.

Speaker 1 So the next day, which is tomorrow after the uh krampus knocked is nicolastog which is saint nicholas's day um and this is that tomorrow is the day for like presents and joy and like happy little girls and boys but it's really just the ones who haven't been beaten to death by a krampus well yeah they got to celebrate something yeah i mean after that so um so yeah that's krampus he's uh he's something and if you look like a lot of the uh Any visual you see of him is usually him.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's it's literally like half demon, half goat. The big long tongue, the crazy eyes.
He's always holding a sack, usually full of screaming little kids in the visuals. That's fucked up.

Speaker 1 And he's got like chains around him. He's got the big birch switch.
He always looks pretty stoked, though. Oh, he is always raging.
Like he is

Speaker 1 so happy to be murdering children. It is like everyone, he's got the tongue out, but he's got this like crazy, like, yeah!

Speaker 1 He kind of just looks like coked out.

Speaker 1 He does. That's exactly.
Coked out Krampus. Coked out Krampus.

Speaker 1 I'm saying. So, yeah, that's Krampus.
The next one I'm going to talk about, I mean, this one's going to be a rough one to pronounce

Speaker 1 the actual word for it, but it's Jolakaturin, which is not how you say it at all. But in English, it's Yule Cat.

Speaker 1 Yulecat? The Yule Cat, which sounds delightful, right? I don't really like cats. I don't like cats either, but I feel like a Yule Cat just sounds like it's like, I'm the Yule Cat.

Speaker 1 Like, I feel like he's wearing pajamas and he's just like...

Speaker 1 He's got a song to sing. He's got a story to tell.
He's ready to give me a lollipop. I don't know.
What does Yule Cat remind me of? It reminds me of that video online that's like that.

Speaker 1 the cat with like the rainbows coming out of its ass.

Speaker 1 Do you know what I'm talking about? I was thinking of that one, or I was thinking of the one with the cat playing the keyboard.

Speaker 1 Like, it's just like, like, it's just banging on the keyboard in his pajamas.

Speaker 1 That's all I thought of. That's awesome.
Well, unfortunately, it's none of that. The Yule Cat is not like that.

Speaker 1 So, this is an Icelandic tradition. He's not an ice cat.
Yule cat will eat you.

Speaker 1 So, that's a thing. So, he's tied with an Icelandic tradition that basically says that everyone who finishes their work on time, like servants, kids, anybody,

Speaker 1 they receive new clothes for Christmas. That's like a big thing.
The people who don't finish their work on time don't get new clothes for Christmas. So now, as we're going to see, Yulecat is very...

Speaker 1 Fashion forward. Like he's very conscious of the latest trends.
And he's going to know if your ass is not wearing brand new clothes. And he's going to be present.

Speaker 1 So to encourage encourage children and just workers in general to work hard, parents tell their kids that Yule Cat would be able to tell who the lazy kids were because they wouldn't have at least one item of new clothing on on Christmas.

Speaker 1 And these kids would be sacrificed to Yule Cat.

Speaker 1 Literally. So there's a poem written.
about Yule Cat, like a famous poem.

Speaker 1 And it ends with,

Speaker 1 and this is kind of nice, at least they say, it kind of ends with a suggestion that children should help out the needy by giving them new clothes so that they can have protection from being fucking devoured by Yule Cat.

Speaker 1 Jesus. So it's like, hey, it's a nice like charity thought, but it's also like, or a Yule cat is going to eat you.
So it's like, what?

Speaker 1 Be nice to the less fortunate, or you will be eaten by a cat.

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Speaker 1 So, the whole thing, you get new clothes, you're safe, and it meant you worked hard, you don't have new clothes, Yulecat's gonna eat your ass, and that's just the way it is.

Speaker 1 Like, there's no gray area here. So, nobody really knows the true origin of Yule Cat.
It's kind of unclear.

Speaker 1 But, from what I could tell, the oldest known writings date back to the 19th century, so pretty recent. He's not that old.
Okay.

Speaker 1 There is that poem that I was talking about

Speaker 1 is by Johannes Jern Kotlum, and it goes into detail about the.

Speaker 1 Now, apparently, Yule Cat is gigantic. It's not like this tiny little house cat that just like nibbles you to death.
It's like a big old fucking terrifying cat.

Speaker 1 It has sharp teeth. It has glaring yellow eyes.
And it's here to punish your ass. That's what Yule Cat is all about.

Speaker 1 It's like a fisher cat from hell. Awesome.
A fisher cat that's like, that cares what you're wearing, which is even scarier. It's like Adolce and Gabbana Fisher Cat from hell.
Yeah, basically.

Speaker 1 And I might post this poem because it's like really terrifying. Hold on, wait.
What? It's Joan Rivers reincarnated in cat form from hell.

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 1 You're welcome. You just busted this case wide open.
That's the origin of Yule Cat. There you go.
You're welcome. Thank you for listening.
Hope you keep it weird. Bye.
Joan Rivers.

Speaker 1 R.I.P. R.I.P.
Joan Rivers slash Yule Cat.

Speaker 1 That's terrifying. So the Yule Cat is going to connect with a couple of other ones that I'm going to mention.

Speaker 1 There's like basically what we're going to see at the end is there's this big old Icelandic child murdering family family that works around Christmas time. Oh my god!

Speaker 1 So, yeah, so that's the Yule Cat, basically, a giant, you know,

Speaker 1 fashion-conscious cat. The next one I'm going to talk about is called Frau Perchte.

Speaker 1 So, Frau Perchte is an ancient legend in Eastern Europe, but her story was popularized by Jacob Grimm, the brothers Grimm. Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 He referred to her as Frau Berchte, and she was the female counterpart to Berchtold, which is the leader of, quote, the wild hunt.

Speaker 1 Now, the wild hunt is just this big old procession of elves, fairies, and demons just running around doing evil shit. Hell yeah.
Where do I sign up? Which is awesome. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And basically, so what they say is seeing this wild hunt in passing, which can you fucking imagine seeing this in passing?

Speaker 1 It was thought to be an omen that would indicate great misfortune, which is like, no shit.

Speaker 1 It's an omen letting you know that you are losing your damn mind because you're seeing a procession of elves, fairies, and demons just fucking up shit. Congratulations.
You've lost it. Like, wow.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 Frau Berchta or Frau Perchte,

Speaker 1 she flies around the sky with an army of lost souls around her, which is pretty metal.

Speaker 1 Yeah, to say the least. That's badass.
Among her army of the night are apparently supposed to be the souls of unbaptized children. Heyo.

Speaker 1 Whoops.

Speaker 1 So here I am.

Speaker 1 Just ashes floating around.

Speaker 1 Come and get me.

Speaker 1 Now, the legend also says that if you hear the wind and thunder like rumbling around the mountains on the birch-till nights, which I'm not sure exactly what nights those are, what you're really hearing is not thunder.

Speaker 1 It's the fucking sounds of the wild hunt. So it's like all these demons and perchda, Frau Perchda just tooting around doing evil bad shit.
Oh no. Which would be awesome.

Speaker 1 So the physical descriptions of Frau Perchta kind of vary. There's a lot of different legends.

Speaker 1 Some describe her as being actually kind of Krampus-like,

Speaker 1 while other ones say that she's a tall, white-robed lady. basically old lady.

Speaker 1 Sometimes, weirdly enough, she's portrayed with one extra big foot.

Speaker 1 Casual. Which I guess this is supposed to mean that she's a shapeshifter that can take any form she likes.
That's what it's supposed to indicate to you.

Speaker 1 That wouldn't indicate a lot to me. It would just indicate that she had a club foot.

Speaker 1 Why you got an extra foot? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Why you got an extra foot?

Speaker 1 So in Germany and Austria, they sometimes portray her as a witch named Frau Perchte.

Speaker 1 How she, I originally said her name because it's Berchta. I am am Perchta.

Speaker 1 And she basically just hands, she will hand out rewards for good kids, but she'll also hand out some pretty severe punishments for bad kids, like all of these do.

Speaker 1 It's during the 12 days of Christmas, which is December 25th through Epiphany on January 6th. She...

Speaker 1 She's possibly best known not for her rewards that she gives, but for what she does to the bad kids.

Speaker 1 And what she does is if you're not awesome, she will disembowel you and replace your organs with hot garbage. Wow.

Speaker 1 That's something that just sticks with you, I think. It sure does.

Speaker 1 And on the 12th, this all kind of happens on the 12th night of Christmas, which is the Feast of Epiphany.

Speaker 1 That's when she'll creep into homes and she'll either disembowel your ass or she'll leave a piece of silver in the shoes of children and servants who have been good. I take that.

Speaker 1 Oh, and she also cuts kids' tongues with glass if they lie.

Speaker 1 Hey. So, like, no rules.

Speaker 1 Don't fuck with Frau Perchta.

Speaker 1 Now, there is a slightly different version of this legend, and it's according to Linda Radisch, which I probably said her name wrong. She's the author of The Old Magic of Christmas.

Speaker 1 Now, she says that Frau Perchte was also known as Berchta, like the original legend says, or Bertha.

Speaker 1 And she can also be referred to as Spinstubenfrau, or spinning room lady. I see that transition there.
Obviously, she

Speaker 1 in this one, she's often depicted having a like beak nose that is made of iron. Wow.
Which sounds kind of like a plague mask, like a plague doctor mask.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's how he pictured, which is terrifying. And she's dressed in like super shitty, like ragged clothes, and she's usually carrying like a cane or a staff.

Speaker 1 And she just looks like a decrepit old lady lady in this one with a fucking beak nose. Damn.
Now, in this one, she's a judgy bitch,

Speaker 1 to be honest.

Speaker 1 She's just, she's real judgy. Like, she's going to look at your house and she's going to tell you whether it's shit.

Speaker 1 And which she doesn't have the right to because she's dressed in rags and has a beak nose. But she's going to tell you when you said it's not right.
She's going to take in the mirror, perched, Bertha.

Speaker 1 Seriously, take a long, hard look in the mirror. So this one says that you'd better get all your flax spun by 12th night, which is January 6th.
What's that even mean?

Speaker 1 It says, quote, for when the Christmas season was over, it would be time to set up the big upright loom, at which time you must have enough thread to warp it and start your weaving.

Speaker 1 So if you didn't do this shit, apparently if you didn't start your weaving, then the lazy ladies in Germany, Austria, and Switzerland would either have their looms trampled or they would be set fire to by Frau Perchte.

Speaker 1 And if you really pissed her off like if you didn't weave your shit and your house is a mess oh and that was the other thing if your house was a total mess and you were supposed to leave a traditional bowl of porridge out for her on this night that she gotta have her porridge like i think you could not do one of those things and she's probably just gonna like set fire to your loom which honestly is the best case

Speaker 1 and if you didn't do any of this

Speaker 1 Well, then she was gonna probably set fire to your loom and then she's gonna come into your bedroom, and that's when she's going to disembowel you, but she's going to fill your insides with rocks and straw.

Speaker 1 Okay, that's like the dopest would you rather question ever. Would you rather be disemboweled and filled with hot garbage,

Speaker 1 or would you rather be disemboweled and filled with rocks and straw? I mean, I'd say hot garbage because it might have a soothing feeling, the heat.

Speaker 1 Oh, I'd say rocks and straw because I'm not trying to put no garbage in my bod.

Speaker 1 Are you sure?

Speaker 1 No, not hot garbage.

Speaker 1 Taco Bell is kind of hot garbage.

Speaker 1 Taco Bell

Speaker 1 is something

Speaker 1 that gives

Speaker 1 a glance.

Speaker 1 It is not garbage. It's not.

Speaker 1 You're hot garbage.

Speaker 1 I am hot garbage for saying that about Taco Bell. Yeah, how dare you? We lost a sponsor.
Well,

Speaker 1 that'd be awesome if we got sponsored by Taco Bell. Well, it's not going to happen now.

Speaker 1 Man.

Speaker 1 You fucked up. You burned that bridge.

Speaker 1 Well, the moral of this one is: no matter what, she's definitely going to gut someone and fill their thoracic cavity with hot garbage and rocks one way or another. So, Frau Perchta doesn't play.

Speaker 1 There's no pleasing perchta. Yeah, she does not play.
So, her story is thought to have come from a legendary alpine goddess of nature, which does not compute. Sound like that.

Speaker 1 and this legendary goddess of nature tended to the forest most of the year and then just dealt with humans just during the Christmas time and the holidays.

Speaker 1 In the modern day celebrations of Christmas, Perchta or like close relations to her, because of course there's always variations of these people, will show up in processions during Fastanot, which is the Alpine festival just before Lent.

Speaker 1 So that is Frau Perchta. Now, these next two are kind of together because they are a father.
They're a mother and her many, many sons.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 they are the people who own Yule Cat. So it all kind of...
Yule Cat lives with them. Yule Cat has an owner, and the owner is just as big a dick as Yule Cat.
Wow. So they get to live with Joan Ribbers.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they do.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 these ones are kind of fun.

Speaker 1 Like kind of weird, but also kind of fun. I think you're going to appreciate these.
Ash is going to appreciate these. I just feel it.
So these next ones are called the Yule Lads.

Speaker 1 Oh, I feel like I've heard of this. These sound delightful.
They're also, I'm going to attempt the other way to say them.

Speaker 1 Jolasvanar, but I'm going to say Yule Lads.

Speaker 1 So the Yule Lads are 13 Icelandic trolls. They each have a distinct name and they each have a distinct personality.
Kind of like Snow White's dwarves.

Speaker 1 Now, back in ancient times, apparently they just kind of caused trouble and mischief during Christmas time. So they were used to scare children into behaving like all of these are.

Speaker 1 Kind of like the Yule Cat, because they were like, the Yule lads and the Yule Cat are going to come and they're going to fuck your world up, kid. Don't keep doing that.

Speaker 1 So now Icelandic children do get to enjoy 13 nights of Father Christmases, technically. That's nice.
The Yule lads come for these 13 nights, one of them on each night.

Speaker 1 They're apparently now known as like very merry and mischievous. Like they're like, they're almost like elves now instead of trolls, I would think.

Speaker 1 Like they're just like, they're getting, they got much more chill. So on each of these nights, children will play shoes on their windowsill.

Speaker 1 And for the, you know, good boys and girls, whatever Yule lad comes, they'll leave candy or like little treats in the shoe. If you're a shitbag, then they're just gonna leave you rotten potatoes.

Speaker 1 Rotten potatoes. Which just, so just straight up garbage for bad kids.

Speaker 1 Like, here's, here's some rotten garbage. In July.

Speaker 1 But I guess it's way better than being eaten or beaten or disemboweled. So kids are like, that's fine.
I'll take

Speaker 1 these rotten potatoes.

Speaker 1 So apparently the Yule Lads used to be way creepier than they are today.

Speaker 1 But in 1746,

Speaker 1 Parents were officially banned from actually using Yule Lads to scare their kids. Like, what would happen if they found out that you did?

Speaker 1 Well, and I guess in this, in this whole like banning of the Yule Lads and everything, they also banned like using Krampus to scare your kids using any of these because like they were legit using like you're gonna get eaten.

Speaker 1 And kids were scared to go outside during the Christmas time because they were scared they were gonna get eaten or disemboweled or beaten or taken away and drowned.

Speaker 1 Like, what a different like time of year than we have. What a time to be alive.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 the National Museum of Iceland has a list of the 13 Yule Lads and their names and what they do. And I'm going to read this off to you because it's pretty great.
Oh, God. Some of these are amazing.

Speaker 1 So the first Yule Lad is called Sheep Coat Claude. What he does is he basically just bothers your sheep and tries to suckle on the sheep in the farmers' sheds.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I hate the word suckle. Yeah, never say it again.
Such a bad, bad word. The next one is named Stubby, and he's short and steals food from frying pans.
Which to that I say, same.

Speaker 1 I was gonna say.

Speaker 1 We have that in common, Stubby.

Speaker 1 Me too, Stubby. So the next one is called Spoon Licker.

Speaker 1 And I'm gonna let you guess what he does. He hides your forks.
Exactly. No, he licks your spoons.
That's gross.

Speaker 1 The next one is called Pot Scraper or Pot Liquor. And he steals unwashed pots and licks them clean.

Speaker 1 I mean, that sounds helpful to me. I was just going to say, which I'm like, thanks.

Speaker 1 Thanks, Pot Liquor. The next one is called Bowl Liquor.
He steals bowls. And this one's kind of weird.
I say this one's kind of weird, like none of the other ones where I'm like, hang on tight.

Speaker 1 We're going to get weird.

Speaker 1 So this one one steals bowls of food from under the bed, which apparently back in the old days, Icelanders used to sometimes store bowls of food under their bed, which

Speaker 1 seems unhealthy, but okay. And this bowl licker would steal the bowls of food from under the bed and lick them clean, basically.

Speaker 1 Next one is called Door Slammer.

Speaker 1 He just stomps around and slams doors and just keeps everyone awake. Sounds like Papa when he was trying to wake me up.
And when I was really cool.

Speaker 1 It sounds like my kids. Yeah, it does.
The next one is called Skier Gobbler or Skyr Gobbler. I'm not sure how to pronounce it.
But basically, he eats up all this kind of Icelandic yogurt that's called

Speaker 1 Skyr or Skir. I'm not really sure.
Somebody will tell me. But basically, he eats up this Icelandic yogurt that's made with like, I think it was like milk and sugar or milk and honey.

Speaker 1 So he just eats up all the yogurt. So the next one is called Sausage Swiper.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 it's not as dirty as it sounds. He just loves sausages.
Hey.

Speaker 1 You know.

Speaker 1 Don't we all?

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I really mean sausages.

Speaker 1 Wear your head.

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Speaker 1 the next one is called window peeper and he sounds off-putting he just creeps outside windows and then he's so he creeps outside looks in windows and then he steals shit

Speaker 1 so he's just a thief the next one is called Door Sniffer.

Speaker 1 Door sniffer?

Speaker 1 Door sniffer.

Speaker 1 He just sniffs your door. He has a huge nose, and apparently, he has an insatiable appetite for baked goods.
What the fuck? Same.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 I relate so hard to these guys. These are just all my different personalities.

Speaker 1 These are all my like... Personality traits on you.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Next, this one's weird. This one's called Meat Hook.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 And he just snatches up all your meat that's been left out. Oh, I feel that.
And he especially likes smoked lamb. That's same.

Speaker 1 The last one is called Candle Beggar. And he just steals all your candles.
Which, that's just rude. That would piss me off.
Do you know how much a Yankee candles?

Speaker 1 Especially back in the day, those were useful.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I mean, I'm just mad because I want my sugar cookie candle.

Speaker 1 You ever heard of Yankee candle? Candle stealer?

Speaker 1 yankee candle candle stealer so yeah those are the yule lads and what they're what i'm doing is i'm gonna connect them to the last person i'm talking about because the last person i'm talking about is their mother oh god yeah these dudes have a mother her name is grilya and she's their mama she actually predates them in Icelandic legend as an ogress who kidnaps, cooks, and eats children that don't obey their parents.

Speaker 1 So she originally was just used, like, hey, obey your parents all the time, or she's going to come down anytime during the year and just take you and cook you and eat you.

Speaker 1 But she became associated with Christmas in the 17th century because they had the Yule lads, and they were like, the Yule lads need a mom. So they just associated her with them.

Speaker 1 I love that. Yeah, they were like, they need a mama.
So according to the legend, Gri, I'm not saying her name right, Gryla or Grilia

Speaker 1 had three different husbands. Get it, girl.
And she had 72 children.

Speaker 1 Now, when we talked about the Lawson family and they had eight kids, we were like, one might say that's too many. 72 children is far too many.
72,

Speaker 1 that's a problem. Girl, even the Duggars stopped before that.
They did. Did they? Or are they still on their way?

Speaker 1 I think they're trying to get there. Now, all these 72 children ranged from just being kind of mischievous to just straight up murdering people.

Speaker 1 Which.

Speaker 1 If you have 72 kids, there are bound to be a few hooligans and murderers among you. That's just math.

Speaker 1 Statistics. Science.
Yeah, it's just the way it is. So I'm not going to judge her for that.
Out of 72, you're going to get a murderer or two. Yeah, of course.
Now...

Speaker 1 The Yule Cat, like I said, lives with this whole clan. So she's the mother of these 72 72 kids.
She's the mother of the 13 Yule Lads. And their house pet is the Yule Cat.

Speaker 1 She was first said to send her 13 Yule Lads down to town to snatch up bad kids so they could cook and eat them. But again, by 1746,

Speaker 1 Icelandic kids were so scared of this that the government stepped in and put the ban on using this lady to scare kids too. So she was part of this whole thing, like, you can't do this.

Speaker 1 Now later it changed again because of this whole thing.

Speaker 1 And now she said to send her 13 boys, her Yule lads, down to town during the 13 days of Christmas, where they just spread cheer and are just mischievous and shit.

Speaker 1 You know, just stealing your meat, stealing your candles, slamming your doors, not eating you.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you know. Now,

Speaker 1 just to end this,

Speaker 1 The Onion, so apparently she's like a huge, like people know who this ogress is. So The onion blamed her for the 2010 eruption of the

Speaker 1 I'm going to try to say this volcano, but it's the Ajaf

Speaker 1 Jala Jokul

Speaker 1 volcano. I butchered that.
But basically she got blamed by the onion for a 2010 volcano.

Speaker 1 So that's how well known she is and infamous. And that is Grillia.

Speaker 1 The ogress who will eat your kids. She has way too many kids.
Yeah, that's just like you don't need to be eating other people's kids. You could probably just eat some of your own.

Speaker 1 Yeah, just eat some of your own. You have like 70 to spare.
You do. You have way too many to spare.
That's insane. Those are...

Speaker 1 That's my dark clan of Santa's helpers. Wow.

Speaker 1 Well, I also have a couple that I can't say any of them. So there should be.
I have faith in you. My first one is Belsnickel.
That is my favorite name.

Speaker 1 That's actually what I'm naming my firstborn. Belsnicle.
That's good, because it sounds wonderful. Like, he sounds just delightful.
It kind of just reminds me of Snickers. Hey, Belsnickel.

Speaker 1 Okay, so Belsnickel is a man from southwestern German lore.

Speaker 1 Always Germany, man. Germany has the best dark Santa's helpers.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I feel like that's where they're all from. They're cornering the market.
Yeah, for real. But he traveled to the United States and he lived on in Pennsylvania and Dutch customs.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because I was going to say I know that name. Or Pennsylvania Dutch.
Is that the thing? Yeah, the Pennsylvania Dutch.

Speaker 1 So he comes to children sometimes before Christmas, and he wears like old clothes and like raggedy fur.

Speaker 1 And he carries a switch, kind of like a Krampus, to frighten the kids. Always a switch.
But he also has candy. Oh, well, at least he has candy too.
To reward them for their good behavior.

Speaker 1 So if you're like a little bitch, he's going to hit you with a switch. And if you want candy, he'll give you some.
I bet that's a poem somewhere.

Speaker 1 If you're a little bitch, he's gonna hit you with a switch.

Speaker 1 Probably.

Speaker 1 In modern day, like retelling of the story, the switch is only used for noise to warn the kids that they have to be good before Christmas. So he'll just

Speaker 1 give it a little whoch.

Speaker 1 Don't scare me into line. Just on like the wall or something.
Yeah, just that whoch.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And the kids can get candy from him if they're polite about it.

Speaker 1 I don't really want Bell Snickles candy.

Speaker 1 Well, it's either candy or the Switch. So you pick.

Speaker 1 You got to pick if you want the Switch or the candy. I'm going to take that candy and just put it somewhere.
I'll be like, thank you, Bell Snickle.

Speaker 1 And then just be like, I'm going to put this over here. I'm not going to eat that candy.
And then Krampus is going to watch you and think that you're unappreciative.

Speaker 1 And then he's going to drown me in a river. No, the worst.
He's going to stuff you in a bag.

Speaker 1 That's the worst. I hope he drowns me in the river.
I just hope he doesn't put me in a bag.

Speaker 1 I mean, if you weren't in the bag and he dumped you in the river, you could just swim down the river and have yourself a very old time.

Speaker 1 I think he, you know, what I think part of it, though, is that he chains you up with his chains because he has chains all around him. So I think he chains your ass up so you can't move.

Speaker 1 Wow, he's wilding, he's a lot, he's he's very extra. Damn.

Speaker 1 I'm gonna try to say these names, but I'm going to say first

Speaker 1 and neckt

Speaker 1 ruprecht are similar.

Speaker 1 Now I can't even say the word similar. I'm like, they're similar.

Speaker 1 Hold on, I'm going to try again. Next Ruprecht and Ru Klaas are similar characters to

Speaker 1 Belsnickel, and they're also from German folklore. And they also dole out beatings to bad kids.

Speaker 1 So I can't even read at this point.

Speaker 1 I love it.

Speaker 1 My other one, I have three. So my second one, Hans Trapp, he's like the anti-Santa.
Hans. Hans.

Speaker 1 Like Hans Assman.

Speaker 1 Like Hans Assman.

Speaker 1 But, I mean, Hans Assman was probably the fucking anti-Santa. He did it.
Yeah. He did it.
But Hans Trapp hands out punishments, too, to bad children in the

Speaker 1 Al Sa

Speaker 1 El Sace and Lorraine Ragens.

Speaker 1 You don't say.

Speaker 1 I just said Ragens instead of Regents. The Ragens.

Speaker 1 Can you cut that out?

Speaker 1 I love it. Hans Trapp

Speaker 1 hands out punishments to children in the... Is it Al Sace?

Speaker 1 It's French, so probably not.

Speaker 1 El Sace.

Speaker 1 Al Sasse and Lorraine regions.

Speaker 1 Freaking love how American you are. You're like, Al Sasse.

Speaker 1 People are going to hate us. America.

Speaker 1 The legend says that Trapp was an actual real man. He was rich, greedy, and evil and worshipped Satan.
Whoa. So, I mean, whatever.

Speaker 1 And he got excommunicated from the Catholic Church, which I think happens pretty easily.

Speaker 1 So, like, he was pretty chill overall. But he got sent to live in the forest.
So far, I don't see the issue. Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 1 So, they made him go to the forest where he preyed upon children and disguised himself as a scarecrow with straw jetting out from his clothing. Ew.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 One day he was about to eat a boy he captured, but he got struck by lightning and was killed. I hate when that happens.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you know, I hate when I'm about to have a good snack and I just get struck by lightning and die.

Speaker 1 A good little child snack. Yeah, seriously.

Speaker 1 So yeah, he died, but still he lives on and he visits young children before Christmas, dressed as a

Speaker 1 scarecrow still to scare them to be good.

Speaker 1 So he's so this dude is legitimately the ghost of like a rich Satan-worshiping

Speaker 1 fucking scarecrow-dressing motherfucker who died by getting struck by lightning. And now he's whilst eating a boy.
While eating a boy. And now he's just back.
Yes, with a dancing. Women.

Speaker 1 With a brand new set of wrapping papers.

Speaker 1 Oh, I love it.

Speaker 1 My third one is

Speaker 1 going to sound really shitty when I say it. And I bet this isn't how you say their name.
But here we go. Pierre

Speaker 1 Fouitetard.

Speaker 1 Fouitard.

Speaker 1 Just throw like a ha-ha on there.

Speaker 1 So he's French. And his name translates into Father Whipper.
So we'll just call him that. Yeah, just call him Father Whipper.
So the legend begins with an evil butcher who carved children to eat.

Speaker 1 You know, as most legends do. Yeah, as most fucking butchers do, you know, have you ever seen Sweetie Todd? Yeah.

Speaker 1 But him and his wife lured three boys into his butcher shop. He was a barber, by the way.
What? He was a barber. A barber? Yeah.
No, the Sweetie Todd. Oh, I was like, no, he's a butcher.

Speaker 1 You're like, no, I'm looking at it right now. I was like, I did.
No, I meant Sweetie Todd.

Speaker 1 Well, I haven't seen many musicals. The Demon Barber of Fleet Street.
Well, he's a butcher, too, because he butchers the peeps. Yeah.
They put him in a pas. paz.
Puts him in a pass.

Speaker 1 Phoebe in the kitchen cooking pas with this baby. Yeah.

Speaker 1 What just happened? You're not going to get that. Because you don't listen to rap.

Speaker 1 I do not. There's this rapper called Fetty Wop, and he's like, I'm be in the kitchen cooking pas with my baby.
And so is Sweeney Dodd, okay? It's where the actually, that's where they got it from.

Speaker 1 That is.

Speaker 1 I'm sure. It's not.
But anyways, it's not. Futard and his wife learn three boys.
Father Whipper and his wife. Father Whipper and his wife lured three boys into the butcher shop.
He killed them.

Speaker 1 He chopped them. And they sprinkled some salt on them.
Because you must season your meats. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 But Saint Nick came to the rescue, resurrected the boys, and

Speaker 1 oh, so he's a necromancer now? Yeah, Saint Nick is everything.

Speaker 1 Oh my damn.

Speaker 1 And he like just like fucked up Mr. father whipper like he was just like fuck you um

Speaker 1 and he became saint nicholas's servant and now his job is to dispense punishment to bad children on saint nicholas day just like all these other peeps wow as if they didn't have enough people to deal out punishment and well and i like that he was like so you took it a little far with butchering these three kids and trying to cook them up with some salt.

Speaker 1 Yeah. But now I think you are good for this position I have opened up

Speaker 1 where

Speaker 1 you can dole out

Speaker 1 just some light punishment to children instead of butchering them. Quick punishment.

Speaker 1 Like, wow. He's lucky to get that job.
That is very metal. So metal.
This whole thing. I feel like yours went a lot better than mine did, but you know what? I tried.
Yours went amazing.

Speaker 1 So basically, I mean, America has kind of made Christmas and the holiday season this like jolly, you know, super chill time where you just get anxiety about buying presents and material things.

Speaker 1 And then over in Europe, they're like keeping things metal as fuck. And they are just like, we're going to keep it real.
The shit started dark as fuck and we're going to keep it that way.

Speaker 1 Which I think it's. I think we're going to stay here for the holidays.
But I kind of, I love that they like kept it in the straight up, like,

Speaker 1 the holidays are scary.

Speaker 1 I don't like I like that they they just went with it like they leave holidays are supposed to be magical.

Speaker 1 I mean they are magical over there

Speaker 1 in a totally different way

Speaker 1 and honestly uh for our international listeners we would love to hear any of you know if any of you remember hearing about these stories or

Speaker 1 anything that you guys celebrate like this like totally tell us because this was fascinating to hear because it's just so different from what we do over in America.

Speaker 1 So let us know. We'd love to hear.
And I know we have some international listeners that probably have some rad stories. So by all means, we love hearing them.

Speaker 1 So this was our first little mini episode. We hope you dug it.
We've been getting a lot of messages lately and we're trying to answer them.

Speaker 1 So if we haven't answered one of your messages, I just want to let you guys know that we are going to get to it. So don't feel like we're ignoring you.
We promise.

Speaker 1 We love you and we love our messages. We love reading through them.
So, we'll get to everybody, I promise. And we hope you dig our little second mini-sodes of the weeks.
So,

Speaker 1 we hope you keep listening to them. And we hope you

Speaker 1 keep it

Speaker 1 weird

Speaker 1 and a happy new year.

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