2025.08.29: Easy A

Hello, Josh.

Hey, where the hell are you?

Hey, we're recording the podcast.

Got up!

Good morning to you, wherever you are, because

it is morning somewhere for August 29th, 2025.

Zach, you made me late.

It's anybody over there.

Have a good Friday.

It's actually burnt out how to actually, everybody.

Look, there's a lot going on this Friday.

There's a lot of things happening in the world where we have our eyes locked on the coffee machine.

Oh,

count coffees.

We're closing in on 10,000 coffees.

So here's the thing, though.

I have a dilemma.

Bernie,

how do you throw a party for a coffee machine?

Well, with coffee, I would think.

Actually, that's that you have tea for a coffee party, right?

I was going to say, right, well, you're going to make it work for its own party.

Take the day off, coffee machine.

I need to redo, once we hit 10,000, I need to redo my coffee math to find out exactly how much money we have made from this coffee maker i think we're up to like a hundred and eighty thousand dollars maybe it's a lot it's a lot and uh and and i'm appreciative of it as well but i don't know how this is gonna work right this is a big milestone and it's like um it's like when you have an odometer on an old car and you're not sure what's gonna happen when it ticks over is it gonna go to ten thousand is it gonna go back to one like how does it how does it count what does the coffee machine think that last coffee is is doing?

Or you're waiting for the odometer too because you want to catch it in the moment, and then you find out this is what's going to happen to us.

We're going to go to make a coffee and go, oh, I should check that.

And it's going to be like a 10,012.

We'll have missed it completely.

We always had that for like live streams for like a channel going up to like some new milestone.

And

it always felt like you missed it, even though the counter was like people are all tuning in and it's starting to gain momentum.

And so it goes faster.

So you go from like, you know, 990,090 to all of a sudden 1,010 or something like that.

And you're like,

you don't see the actual million when it rolls over.

Right.

You don't get the nice even number.

So, but we're, we're monitoring closely.

We're keeping an eye on the situation.

If anyone has suggestions for how one throws coffee machine a party, I would welcome those because I'm at this point putting a hat.

You're crowdsourcing.

Well, look, at this point, if we don't crowdsource, if we don't get some help brainstorming this, he's just going to end up with a little hat.

The coffee machine?

Yeah.

I think a coffee machine with a hat's a great idea, actually.

Although I do like the idea of crowdsourcing it out to the audience because now they're doing the shouts.

They're doing the intro.

They can do the party for the milestone stuff.

If y'all could just like do like the podcast, two or three stories at a day,

then some parasocial stuff mixed in there.

That'd be awesome.

Just take it over from here, please.

It's a community effort, everybody.

So today's Morning Summer shout came from Zach.

I hope I'm pronouncing that correctly.

I think it's pronounced Zach, actually.

Zach.

He wrote a story along with it.

It said, hi, Burnses.

My name is Zach.

I've been a fan for 16 years.

Bernie, you and I met at a talk you gave at the UT School of Business about unorthodox business practices.

I guess I apparently was on a panel with two other people from like Livestrong and Goodwill, I guess, because he said, we were submitting questions from the audience to you and the panel via Twitter.

The Livestrong and the Goodwill guys were giving out prizes to the people who got their questions answered.

You, however, didn't have any prizes lined up.

So you just handed me a $50 bill for getting my questions answered.

That's something that I would do.

It's like, what do we need on prizes?

Here's some cash, pal.

What's in my wallet?

And here, at least, he sent along a nice message along with it.

So this is a good example of what you can do for the supplemental content for your morning somewhere shout if you send it into Ashley.

Shouts at roosterteeth.com.

Look at that.

She's a professional over there.

She's ready with the information for all of you.

Good morning, Burnses.

My name is Zach, pronounced Zach.

You have permission to use my voice on the podcast for my shout.

I've sent them as two separate files.

I hope I get selected.

Also, Bernie,

I don't know if you remember me, but I did an interview with you for a college paper that I wrote where I came into the Rooster Teeth office at six, or the Ralph Applinedo office, and we sat down for about an hour and a half.

What's your blind spot?

And you stood me up for lunch because you were going to go get lunch with Ashley.

But

it's one of my favorite memories from college.

So thanks for doing that.

And I got an A on the paper, if you care.

That's really nice.

I don't care, by the way.

Look, a missed opportunity, Bernie.

If you had gone to that lunch, you might be married to Zach now.

Oh, it'd be me and Zatch.

We'd be hanging out.

Married couple.

Zatch burns.

We missed it.

It's a different timeline, Ashley.

Look, ships passing in the night, you know?

Right one, wrong time.

That's all I'm saying.

Or hand me a $50 bill, Zatch.

Next time.

Give me an A.

Yeah, get me an A.

I could use an A in my life at some point.

I could use it.

But see, now it all comes back around, though, because Zach provided me.

I don't have to do a morning summer shout today.

And I don't have to use the drop of Finn either.

That's the true thank you.

Expose my child to the fucking internet.

Thanks, Zach.

You're doing public service for everyone.

So Zach's got to be like, what?

75 years old now if he was a fan for 16 years.

Good lord, dude.

Yeah, had an A in college.

I'm assuming probably he's probably like 30 or something like that.

Full ass adult.

Anyway, another crowd sourcing thing.

If you all could dox Zach, we would appreciate that.

Thank you.

Speaking, Bernie, of crowdsource projects, this is the feel-good story of the day.

I have great news for you, Bernie.

Wet Wipe Island in the Thames, the river.

Oh.

The River Thames is being cleaned up.

Wet Wipe Island.

Let me repeat that.

Wet Wipe Island.

This is not the setting for the sequel to Love Island.

Oh, gross.

This is, it's like this boggy island in the river at London that's been formed by those flushable wipes.

You know, the ones you get the packet and it's like the wet wipes, it's going to clean your butt, but it's, you can flush it.

It's fine.

You don't have to think about it again.

I don't know how those are still legally on the market.

I don't know how the loopholes to legally call those things flushable has not been closed yet.

Well, flushable just means it can go down a toilet drain, right?

Like steel ball bearings are also flushable.

What happens when they leave your bowl then is a totally different story.

Right, but I guess what they're kind of implying right there is that it's like it's just like toilet paper.

The same thing that happens to toilet paper is going to happen here, you know?

So you think that you flush this thing and it's going to break up and it's going to do what toilet paper does eventually.

You just got a nice clean wipe on that butt before it happened.

No, you know where it went?

It went to Wet Wipe Island in the Thames, and it all gunked up and caused this enormous island.

Let me look up how

to do this.

Yes, so they're now deconstructing.

We're going to have to fucking change our vacation place in this series, badass.

It's so gross.

No wonder it was so cheap to book a ticket to Wet Wipe Island.

The Port of London authority has said it will remove about 180 tons of congealed wet wipes, the equivalent to the wet wipes.

Stop, stop, stop.

It's formed along an 820-foot stretch of the tidal thames near Hammersmith Bridge.

Gross.

So you can see it in the

and it's like it's all gotten like muddy and gross and

you know, like congealed.

So it's like this brown, muddy island of wipes.

So they're now, they're now deconstructing it with like giant machines.

So

it's amazing the new terms that we have to come up with for humans' incredibly irresponsible behavior.

Like in the sewers, they have these

lizard people.

Have you heard the term fat burg?

Oh, God, yes.

Which are just like huge, congealed,

basically glaciers of fat in the sewers.

Moving along through the sewers.

Whoa, or not moving, getting jammed, and they got to go clear them out.

That's your job.

Good morning, everybody.

Yeah, good morning, everybody.

Good morning.

You're going to get it.

Let's go back and tell more stories about Zach's college career.

Remember that?

It was so wholesome when we were talking about that stuff.

So, it's so disgusting.

I agree with you.

You would think that the moment something starts to cost the government money, because that's who's maintaining the sewers and the waterways and things, as soon as it starts to cost them money, they would immediately ban it.

Like, how has this not been banned at this point?

Right.

I just, it's one of those things that I guess, I don't know.

I don't understand why we don't have a bidet in like every house.

How did bidets fall out of fashion, too?

It's like, I guess it's an extra appliance.

Did they fall out of fashion or did they just never come into fashion in certain areas?

I don't know.

Because it seems like,

and the comparison that I always hear is,

if you got poop on your hands, would you wipe your hands with a towel and go, all good?

Right.

Yeah, no, I'm fine.

We're clean now.

I just wiped it off like one little wipe with a paper towel and that's, that's clean now.

Right.

Yeah.

Um, or, you know, or do you need some, like, you need some water on your own.

Or would you strip down and get in the shower?

And, you know, and so it's like the same thing with your butt.

Your butt, wiping that paper on it's not really getting all the poop off the butt.

So I feel like by that logic, a bidet is the perfect solution.

Perfect solution.

And you can get bidets, right, that don't require electrical installation.

I mean, you're going to get a blast of cold water up there, right?

But it's still got to be an improvement over the paper solution.

Yeah, I would think so.

I just do what I do.

I just have a Russian guy who follows me around with a briefcase and takes care of all that stuff for me.

I was thinking, though, because we have our,

obviously in our bathroom, we have a shower as well.

We were just talking about the drain in our shower.

Yesterday, you and I worked on the shower head.

We did.

We pulled the shower head down and bathed it in vinegar water.

And

this might be a future activity, but I was thinking how years ago I tried to explain a TV that I had inside of a wall on the podcast, and it flummoxed people for years trying to picture what I was talking about.

And like, I could have taken a photo of it at any point in time, but the conversation was so much more fun.

That shower is so much harder to explain architecturally than the TV and the wall because it's got the rectangular French drain with the round larger than the rectangle pipe underneath it, which makes it hard to clean.

By the way, it also has two of those drains in there.

There's two circular drains on there.

I know there's two little ones.

Then it has the world's largest showerhead.

And you might think, oh, I've seen big showerheads before.

This thing is gigantic.

It took two of us to bring it up.

What would you say the diameter of that thing is?

Two feet?

Two feet.

Two and a half feet?

Maybe?

It's a great.

Here's the thing.

It's a great shower head.

But it's one of those ones where it goes straight down.

This is where it starts to get complicated.

The shower's in the middle of the wall or in the middle of the room.

It's in the middle of the room, but there's a wall.

It's against a wall.

Yeah.

And this is impossible to explain.

I want people to draw pictures of this.

The shower's in the middle of the room, and there's a wall, but the wall is not connected to anything.

There are arms off the top of it, which reach across

to the actual, so there's

glass, clear glass wall.

There's the bathroom wall, and then there's the glass shower wall, one glass shower wall that has arms attached to the actual wall to hold it up.

Impossible to explain.

And you can walk around the shower or through the shower to get from one side of the bathroom to the other side of the shower.

And the bathroom is not square.

The bathroom is almost like a long hallway.

It's kind of like a long bay window.

I guess so.

I guess so.

Our butts are hanging out when we do that.

It's impossible to explain.

So, anyway, but thank you for clearing.

Uh, we took that shower head down.

The two of us, two-man operation, we took the shower head down, and then you soaked it in vinegar, I guess, is how you cleared that thing up.

Yeah, so vinegar water is supposed to help reduce the what calcification, the minerals, whatever it is.

And it was actually really impressive.

I put it in the

bathtub to soak it.

And after I picked it up, after

an hour or two, I guess, I could see like these little orange crystals in the bathwater.

They're now joining a fat berg

in the Thames.

And then we put it back up, and it was incredible, the change in water pressure.

Here's another thing about this gigantic shower head.

How many individual spouts of water do you think come out of that shower head?

How many individual little holes are there?

Several hundred.

Gotta be, right?

It's a ton.

We should count.

Do you think there's 10,000?

No, there's not 10,000.

We don't have to celebrate the shower head.

Can we put a hat on it?

No one will ever be able to picture this in their head.

Everyone's going to picture a completely different bathroom.

Rectangular drain with round pipes underneath, a glass wall by itself with arms that connect to the wall, and a gigantic shower head.

And then there's actually a little hand spray that nobody ever uses.

Right.

Because for some reason, it's a thousand times hotter.

It's way hotter.

You have to turn the thing to go way colder if you want to use the hatch.

I know it's going to do that.

Also, that would be a great undercarriage wash if it wasn't the the the temperature of the Sun to use yeah the undercarriage wash should just be a thing that like you should be able to do in the middle of the day like you know like

just walk through the shower do an undercarriage wash and off you go like when you go into a car wash like you know one of these automated ones when you go slow through it it sprays the bottom of the car and then you go extra slow to like get extra on your undercarriage wash I want that but for people

I want that I would actually like to get something like that because especially in the winters here we're going into winter pretty soon soon.

And I'm starting to do prep work.

Like, I got the tire treads.

Like, if our car ever gets stuck in the snow, it's things we have to think about now.

We have these, like,

we have, they're, they're cheap.

Portable.

Yeah, well, this is what you're trying to do.

They're tracks that you like throw out to, like, so the car can get traction.

Like, people always use, like, cardboard or like wooden boards, like in an emergency situation, but we have these little things that we just keep in the trunk just in case.

And I would love to have like, as we pull into the driveway, like a sprayer that does the bottom of the car.

Because it's salt.

salt.

It's necessary.

Right.

It's coming up out of like, there's a French drain.

And then we're going to have 10,000 little water things go,

but spray upward.

It's an opposite shower as the car comes in.

And then they're going to drain into two smaller but bigger than the floor.

right uh pads and then that'll go off somewhere and then for some reason there's a college kid asking for 50 bucks there

wants to take you to dinner that's the that's the cost of uh that's the cost of the car wash hey well while we're explaining really impossible things i read one of the funniest headlines ever it's a sad thing everyone's okay i guess except for the taxpayers there was an f-35 pilot who crashed his f-35 plane i'm gonna guess that's an expensive problem to have it seems that way i don't think you can just like get one of those in the classifieds here's where it gets hilarious apparently He was on a 50-minute, they're calling it a conference call with engineers.

That is a tech support support call.

Yeah, that sounds exactly like a text support call.

He was on a 50-minute tech support call before he crashed his plane.

Can you imagine that phone call?

Have you tried turning the plane off and back on again?

Right, unplug all your missiles.

It could be drawing power.

If this is an actual invasion, hang up and call 911.

Can you imagine that?

So he was on a 50-minute tech support call, which is like doing circles in the sky.

What was the issue with the plane?

I have no idea what the issue with the plane was.

I think think the issue with the plane was that uh it instead of landing it crashed that's the issue with it but whatever it was he's in the plane trying to solve the problem the whole time i'm sure this happens a lot you know you're on with the the tower trying to figure out some kind of problem but it's just so funny because that is a tech support call right can i can i speak to hold on can i escalate this ticket um

talk to the manager can i talk to your manager without without getting called to karen guys this is the fourth time i've called about this.

Do you not see it in the notes?

It looks like here it says they

after takeoff, the pilot tried to retract the landing gear.

It wouldn't do so completely.

When lowering it again, it wouldn't center, locking on an angle to the left.

Attempts to fix the landing gear caused the fighter jet to think it was on the ground.

Jesus.

That's a lot of problems.

Ultimately leading to the crash.

Holy cow.

After going through system checklists, oh, there we go.

They went through the script.

They tried turning it off and back on again.

I'm sure they like, they reset some settings.

They're like, sir,

are you using a VPN right now?

The pilot got on a conference call with engineers and the plane flew, as the plane flew near the airbase, five engineers were working on this, including a senior software engineer, a flight safety engineer, and three specialists in landing gear systems.

The pilot then tried.

two touch and go landings where the plane briefly lands, trying to straighten out the jammed nose gear.

So it tried to, I guess, like practice percussive maintenance, Good lord.

Hit the thing with the ground just enough to maybe straighten it out.

Didn't work and he had to eject.

If you're in the air and you're circling and you're on tech support for 50 minutes and you know you're going to have to crash the plane anyway, at that point, just kill two birds with one stone and crash it into the wet white island.

Save the city of London some money.

Why not, right?

Right.

I mean, look, it's two planes, one stone.

Do you think that's like a thing with pilots?

If they

ejecting is great because they live.

Well, theoretically, I think they can also sustain some pretty serious injuries from the momentum of the ejection.

There's a whole movie about that.

Goose got killed by ejecting.

Did you know that?

Is that how he died?

That's how Maverick's co-pilot died, or his rear seat buddy.

I'm sure there's a military term for it.

It's not rear seat buddy.

But Goose in Top Gun, he died from ejecting.

They were in a flat spin, which I now have learned is actually accurate for those planes.

Like that's a problem those planes had and then they replicated it in Top Gun.

But their front landing gear or whatever was spot on.

Turn to the left?

I don't even understand that.

Like you can, why would they be, why would they have?

Like it was like an angle or something.

It was like locked.

And so they, I, I mean, I guess they tried what, like hit it on the ground just a little bit and see if it'll come loose.

You know, kind of like how if I need to open a jam jar and you're not around, I have to hit the lid, tap it gently on the counter a couple of times to try and get enough air to like unseal it.

And then I can turn that thing.

Maybe, you know, percussive maintenance.

Hit the fridge.

There's also a moment too when they give up.

Have you ever had a tech support thing where you're helping with somebody and you had just had to give up?

Like, I can't solve this problem.

Sorry.

Yep.

You know, and even though you're the expert, you're smart.

You stay out of that stuff.

But I always get wrapped up in it.

And then you're like, this is just, I can't, whatever is going on with your computer, I just can't.

help you with this.

Right.

Like I could call you a priest, maybe, and you could do an exorcism, but whatever the problem is, I can't help.

We just had this thing happen where

somebody posted about the problem with the Russians site back in the day.

And, like, look, here's like my screenshot from back in the day.

They had all these ads all over the entire site, and there was all these banner ads and like ad bars and stuff.

And everyone's like, dude, you had like

a shitload of malware.

The site never looked like that for the rest of us.

And I'm like, what?

Yeah, that's when, like, my mom will say, like, my computer's slow.

Can you take a look at it?

And you go, why are there seven bars on your browser?

And what's the monkey on the desktop?

Right.

And she goes, oh no, that's my pet.

There's nothing more aggravating than watching somebody else use a computer.

It's weird that we all use the same computer and do a lot of the same tasks and yet we all do it slightly differently and everyone else is wrong.

But I wonder too, like this F-35 pilot, there's a moment where they're like, okay, I guess just crash the plane, right?

I mean, that's it.

Like, that's the solution.

Right.

We're just, we're out of options at this point, I guess.

Just eject and crash the plane.

Wheel don't work, destroy whole plane.

But I wonder, too, it's like,

even if it's not your fault, I feel like that would, you know, pilots are a different breed.

I wonder if that sticks to you, right?

But does it stick to you in like a good way or a bad way?

I think a bad way.

Why would it be a good way?

It's not his fault.

The wheel is stupid.

He managed to do a couple of touch and go landings trying to fix it.

Those kind of things aren't always rational, though, right?

Like there's some things that are inherently superstitious.

And for some reason, I feel like fighter pilots might be one of those things.

Right.

Like, Like, wasn't there a cat that survived multiple ship sinkings?

And it's like, all right, how many chances are you're going to give this cat?

Right.

Just bring it back in.

This cat, ninth time is the charm, right?

It won't sink 10 ships.

It's only got nine lives.

It'll be done by then.

Yeah, here we go.

Unsinkable Sam.

Unsinkable Sam.

Three sinkings.

He survived.

First of all, why is a cat on a ship, first of all?

Aren't they good luck?

Cats on ships?

Well, they eat the mice.

I guess so.

But

I don't know.

I don't associate cats with ships.

Do you?

I mean, I do specifically because I think they were, I thought they were to take care of the vermin.

Or were they bad luck?

Were they good luck or bad luck?

A cat on water just seems like a bad luck situation in general.

Okay.

All right.

Instead, I'm going to say a big thank you to Rare Joe Starr and Kyle Gallant for sponsoring this episode of our show at patreon.com/slash morning somewhere.

All right, well, that does it for us today.

We're going to have a special guest on Monday, I believe, August 29th today, 2025.

We will be back to talk to you about today.

We hope you will be here as well.

Bye, everybody.