419: Slavic folklore: Bad Heir Day

This week, on Myths and Legends, it's a story from Slavic folklore about how you can battle demons and monsters with a portable music player and how it might be okay that your child doesn't want to behead their friends.

The creature this week is a dog from Norse myth who is not a good boy, mainly because he'll help to bring about the end of the world.

This is Myths and Legends, episode 419, Bad Air Day.

This is a podcast where we tell stories from mythology and folklore.

Some are incredibly popular tales you might think you know, but with surprising origins.

Others are stories that might be new to you, but are definitely worth a listen.

Today, it's a story from Slavic folklore, where it might be a bad idea to brag about how rich and awesome your kids are and surround your daughters with guards that invite the challenge of of the various wizards, baba yagas, and monsters that live in your world.

Today we'll jump in with a czar who's doing just that.

I'm just, I'm concerned, my czar, the advisor said to Czar Umnayagolova, translated to Czar Wisehead.

It's about the girls.

You don't think that maybe it might be a bad idea to have everyone over to celebrate them, give people literal buckets of mead, and talk about how your girls have only been fed with actual golden spoons, how they sleep under sable blankets, and each of them, Zarevna Sinyana, which translates to the priceless princess, and the other, Zarevna Betsenyana, the invaluable princess, each have three nurses that are trained to keep flies off them at all times.

You don't think that might be a little conspicuous?

What do you mean?

I'm the czar.

The czar pointed to his robes and scepter like he was proving something.

No, for sure.

But we, you know, we live in a world of wizards, monsters of the earth and sea, and baba yagas?

Maybe plural, who even knows anymore, the advisor said.

It might just be better to tone some of those things down a bit.

I hear you.

More guards, more nurses, all to protect my girls, the czar nodded and called in the guy who could make that happen.

That's not really what I was going for.

I feel that's even more conspicuous.

Like, that might be worse and invite challenges for someone who think they can handle what, what are you thinking, 77 guards or worse, someone who might not even try to fight them, the advisor warned.

That doesn't even make sense, the czar said, and started plans to add a room next to his girls to house basically a barracks for a couple platoons of soldiers and just as many nurses.

Good talk.

Well, the Tsarevnas were kidnapped, the advisor said a few months later.

What?

The Tsar spat out his wine.

Yeah, a black cloud.

A storm grew in the courtyard and swallowed them.

The advisor rubbed his forehead.

This is exactly what he said would happen.

The 77 soldiers?

What did they do?

The czar cried.

Literally fighting a cloud.

What were they going to do?

The czar's heart broke.

He collapsed into tears and then, hot on his face, his tears dried.

They were replaced by rage.

You did this.

The czar pointed to the advisor, who said he actually advised to do the exact opposite of this, remember?

Conspicuous consumption?

The Tsar didn't.

It was the advisor's fault, the soldier's fault, and even the nurse's fault.

The Tsar said, quote, I will deliver you all over to an evil death.

You shall perish miserably in dungeons.

And they did.

Grief affects everyone differently.

Tsar Wisehead went through the classic stages.

Hunger, murderous rage, fiddle bands, croaking like a crow, and sleepiness.

But time passes and sorrow with it.

The story gets poetic, saying that the life of a person is like a woven tapestry, the light with the dark.

I mean, it kind of papers over the nearly 100 people he had killed as punishment, but whatever.

Then, a few years later, a baby's cries echoed through the halls of the palace.

Prince Ivan was born.

He grew up and quickly was the pride of his father, though there was something unsettling about the young man.

Quote, one thing only weighed upon the heart of Tsar Wisehead.

Good and beauteous was Tsarevich Ivan, but there was nothing in him of the heroic valor or the knightly skill.

He did not tear off the heads of his comrades, nor break their arms and legs.

He neither loved to play with lances of Damascus steel nor with swords of tempered metal.

It just goes to show how times have changed because I am actually super happy that our son, like Ivan, amazes us with his wit and wisdom and doesn't um tear the heads off his friends or break their arms and legs.

Different strokes, I suppose.

Additionally, though, Ivan wowed everyone with a harp that didn't need a harper.

Now, this was confusing to me, and it remains confusing to me because I can't find a satisfying explanation.

It said that when Ivan touches the harp, it plays beautiful music.

When I touch a player piano or even an iPhone, it also plays beautiful music.

But I guess Ivan was the harp guy, and everyone loved his plane that wasn't really his plane.

He did have a nice voice, though.

A nice voice that wouldn't protect against rival kings, against a lance to the chest or barbarians at the gate.

This much the Tsar told Ivan as the pair sat down to dinner one night, and also every other night.

And these lances and swords and arms, they protected my sisters?

Ivan asked.

Tsar Wise had stopped mid-bite, and the memory of his lost daughters ached like an old wound.

Cities are not taken by strength, but by intelligence, craft, not by cudgels, but cunning, Ivan stated, then sat back.

I have a proposition.

Gather everyone in the realm.

Tell them to bring their Damascus blades, their iron lances, and glowing darts, and return with the princesses.

I will use my intelligence and my voice.

If I find them and bring them home, you will never ask me to be something I'm not again.

If someone else does so, then I will give him my birthright and you will have a son who can carry on your violent legacy.

The Tsar saw no downside in this and called his knights and nobles.

All right, who wanted to win rule over the land and pick up the princesses when he rescued them?

The knights backed up and subtly stepped behind the second row of knights who themselves backed up and went behind the third row until, at the back of the room, a wall of compressed knights who couldn't go any farther desperately searched for the door.

Really, no one.

For all the mighty warriors present, they didn't want to go up against a wizard, or whatever it was, who could kidnap people with a cloud.

I'll go, the voice of Tsarevich Ivan rang out beside the Tsar.

Yeah, I bet you will.

The Tsar sighed.

All right, it's one quest.

What do you need?

A hundred thousand warriors?

The text actually does that Lucille Blue thing, by the way.

Nope, I'll just take my harp.

And nothing else, Ivan declared.

The Tsar said, got it.

He'd get his son outfitted with a sword and armor, and he would set out with that harp of his.

Nope, none of that, Ivan said.

Just the harp.

Loud and clear, a dozen mounted warriors and you and the harp.

We'll get right on that.

The Tsar clapped, but Ivan stopped him again.

No, just the harp.

Okay, a you, a small knife, a a walking stick that could be used as a club?

A spoon?

Can you kill brigands with a spoon?

The Tsar shook his head to Ivan's continuing disapproval.

Nothing, really.

Just my harp.

Ivan raised his harp.

The Tsar breathed deeply.

Just the harp.

Great.

Ivan gave the terms.

Three years to find his sisters.

And if he didn't return in that time, the Tsar could name whoever he wanted to be the successor.

And the Tsar said it was an absolute monarchy.

He could do that at any time, but sure, he commended his son for his seemingly brave choice, and then spent the rest of the week trying to understand the difference between bravery and foolishness.

Ivan, for all of his talk, actually had no idea where to go or what to do to find his sisters.

So he picked a direction and started walking.

He walked for days across the grassy fields, laying by the fire and looking up at the stars at night.

He soon came to a dense forest and cracking and rumbling.

Weighing what he was hearing, he knew it wasn't a bear or a boar, at least any bear or boar anyone had ever seen.

Nothing was that big.

When he saw a tree fly from the forest, high up in the clear blue sky and dent the plains outside, he knew he wasn't dealing with anything of this world.

He was afraid.

Yeah, the story actually talks about how scared he was.

His eyes filled with fear as he entered the forest, but he consoled himself.

A man must die once, but no man could die twice.

Besides, his sisters were out there and weird supernatural stuff, while not necessarily related to the cloud that had kidnapped them, was a step in the right direction.

even if it was a terrifying one.

The second step, into the forest, was actually the more terrifying one because, in there, two wood demons fought.

Now, I don't know if there are different designations of demon, like how in D and D in the Elder Scrolls there are different elves and dwarves.

There probably aren't because in looking up Slavic wood demons, I found the play by Chekhov called The Wood Demon, which also has the name Leshi, which was a creature of the week way back in episode 30A.

In their humanoid form, they have a green beard, green hair, boots are on the wrong feet, and they have pine cones in their hair.

So, in this, it's probably too leshy out in the forest.

They're considered to be temperamental, something Ivan experienced when he saw them picking up trees and hitting each other with them.

One picked up an oak, the other a pine thirty feet tall, and they just kept wailing on each other.

Ivan sighed and took out his harp.

He really buried the lead with his dad, with detailing the harp's power because as soon as he began playing it, or rather it began playing in his hands, the leshies, the wood demons, stopped stopped fighting and started dancing.

We've talked about items like this.

It's a bit of a trope in folklore.

And more often than not, it's a magic fiddle that compels people to dance.

I personally like to believe that the song coming out of the harp was just so catchy that people couldn't help but dance.

Ye, my children, are regular wood demons, and yet ye make fools of yourselves, as if ye were common people, Ivan shouted, slipping in a little classist dig in his exhortation.

The music stopped, but Ivan had their attention.

Why shouldn't we fight?

The Leshi said.

Actually, maybe this little man could help.

The other nodded in agreement, and the first continued.

They were going on their way, and they found these items.

Okay, get this.

A tablecloth, some shoes, and a cap.

Ivan looked at the items.

And they're amazing.

You unfurl the tablecloth, and twelve male youths and twelve female youths will come out and bring you mead and sweetmeats.

You put the shoes on and you can go seven miles with one stride and the cap turns you invisible.

Wow, I haven't paced.

I can see why you'd want those things.

Okay, how about this?

I don't know either of you, right?

Both leshies nodded.

Yeah, they didn't have too many human friends.

Right, I don't have a stake in this.

So how about this?

How about we do a binding arbitration thing here?

I decide fairly who gets the stuff and you both abide by my decision.

I am a prince, after all.

That, or you can go back to hitting each other with trees.

The Leshies looked at one another and nodded.

Yeah, okay.

Seemed fair enough.

Okay, since there are three items and they can't be divided evenly, I say

a race?

Ivan asked.

Ivan gestured to the edge of the forest, where he had just come from, and pointed off to the trail in the distance.

He said the first demon to make it to that trail, the one that ran parallel to the forest, about a half mile away, could have all the items.

The leshies looked at the trail in the distance, looked at Ivan, looked to each other, and bolted.

As soon as they were gone, Ivan folded the tablecloth and tucked it beside the harp in his bag, put on the shoes, and donned the cap, disappearing for the lushies at least, forever.

We'll catch up with an old frenemy of the show, Baba Yaga, but that will be right after this.

It's fall.

Leaves are changing, pumpkins are everywhere and in everything.

Spookiness.

I wait all year for this, and then, oh no, it's December 20th, and I haven't thought about gifts at all.

Now is the time.

I know it feels early, but when it comes to gift shopping, it's either early or entirely too late.

There is no middle.

Look, I don't make the rules, I just survive survive them too.

What if there was a way to get your shopping done, but actually enjoy it?

Uncommon Goods makes holiday shopping stress-free and joyful with thousands of one-of-a-kind gifts you can't find anywhere else.

They have something for everyone.

Moms and dads, teens, history buffs, football fans.

I have a friend who's a D ⁇ D and national parks nerd, so I found a cool handmade dice tower and a book on the legends and cryptids of the national parks.

And you can feel good about buying from Uncommon Goods because not only do they give back $1 to a non-profit partner of your choice, but you're also supporting artists big and small.

The other side of that is that those artists sometimes hand make items in small batches, so you might want to catch them before they run out this season.

So shop early, have fun, and cross some names off your list today.

To get 15% off your next gift, go to uncommongoods.com/slash legends.

That's uncommongoods.com/slash legends for 15% off.

Don't miss out on this limited time offer.

Uncommon goods.

We're all out of the ordinary.

It's fall, technically.

It was almost 90 degrees Fahrenheit here the other day, so someone should tell the weather that it's fall, but it will get colder.

The great thing about Quince is that they have all the essentials for any weather, whether it's this fake-out summer epilogue we have going on or a cool October evening.

I recently ordered the Cotton Peak knit overshirt for those nights around the fire when you just need a little something extra, but don't want to wear a big coat or a jacket.

It looks super comfortable and breathable.

I also got some organic mid-weight French Terry Slim joggers because I realized that everyone has cool, stylish sweatpants but me.

So now I have cool stylish sweatpants too from Quince, but for way less.

And that's one of the things that helps Quince stand out.

They have the same high quality stuff as other luxury brands, but for a fraction of the price.

My personal favorite, even more than looking as effortless and stylish as Quince can make me look, is that they partner directly with top-tier ethical factories and cut out the the middlemen, delivering luxury at half the price.

Find your false staples at Quince.

Go to quince.com slash legends for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.

Now available in Canada too.

That's q-u-in-ce-e dot com slash legends to get free shipping and 365 day returns.

Quince.com/slash legends.

It was difficult to get used to going seven miles, or about 11 kilometers, with a single step.

There was a lot of stepping forward and watching the countryside zip by from one side, stepping back and then watching it from the other side.

He didn't know exactly what he was looking for, but thought he would know it when he saw it.

And he saw it.

He overshot it by about two miles and had to walk back, but thought the 500 miles he had traveled that afternoon, thanks to the shoes, more than made up for it.

When he saw the fence made out of human bones, with skulls whose eyes glowed like fire, he figured he was in the right place.

Izhbushka, he cried to the house before him, standing on what appeared to be yellow trees, turn around and put your back to the forest.

At that instance, the trees lifted, revealing the talons that had been hooked into the earth below.

The ground rumbled as the the hut turned, revealing the door and her.

Baba Yiga's sharp, rusted iron teeth glimmered into a smile.

A Czar's son at her door Why had he come here, so far out into the wilderness, so far from safety?

Ivan climbed it to her door and shook his head.

Oh, thou senseless granny he clasped her bony shoulder as he strode past her into the house, thou shouldst feed me well first, and only after that shouldest thou begin to ask questions.

There's a certain confidence that, admittedly, I don't possess, where you can walk into the house of a cannibalistic witch known for killing and eating travelers, call her granny, demand that she make you lunch, and actually have her do it.

Granted, she might have just been humoring the brazing young man because after she had her lunch, you wouldn't be able to answer any questions ever again.

He said, as his teeth pulled the oven-warmed bread, that he was seeking his sisters.

Priceless princess and invaluable princess, daughters of Tsar Wisehead.

They had been kidnapped by a cloud 15, 16 years ago.

Babi Aga nodded, hmm.

Well, she knew where one of them was, at least.

She pointed, the middle road, straight out from her house.

The sister lives in the white stone palace of her husband, Forest Monster.

Even if Ivan made it there, he would be devoured by the guards of the palace before he even laid eyes on his sister.

Ivan said he imagined Forest Monster would have a difficult time eating him.

He was a bony morsel.

He rose and walked over to the bottles, sitting on a shelf on the wall, popped the cork of one, smelled it, and, closing it, put it in his pack.

Baba Yaga smiled at the young man.

But Forest Monster wouldn't eat him.

She rose, her shadowy form seeming to fill the room.

That's so?

Ivan asked as he walked toward the door.

Why is that?

His hands found his shoes in his bag, and he began slipping them on.

Oh,

please, please run.

No one has run from me in quite some time.

They all sit and cower and cry.

I love it when they run.

Baba Yagada's smile was black in the growing darkness of the hut.

Then you're gonna love me, Ivan said.

His shoes in place, he took a dozen strides and found himself 100 miles away from the hut in mere moments.

still on the middle road.

A few more strides and he saw the path leading into the forest.

And a few more miles and he saw the castle.

But the monster, the devil out front, saw him.

Hey, there, you, yeah, you, the devil pointed.

No humans allowed.

I'd rather not fight you, really.

I'd prefer you to run or even slink away and try to probe for weaknesses at another door.

I really don't care, but you're not getting through this one.

Open the door!

Ivan yelled back from the forest.

No, like, did you...

Did you just hear me?

That's the one thing I can't do.

The devil whined.

Seriously, no respect at all.

I'll give you vodka.

A hand shot out of the bush with the bottle Ivan had taken from Baba Yaga's house.

The little demon took a deep breath.

He wouldn't let the strange human in, but he really would like to have some of his vodka.

You know, I just sometimes I feel like Forest Monster doesn't respect me.

The demon took a swig and passed the bottle back to Ivan.

What do you mean?

Ivan pretended to take a drink and passed it back.

Oh, like, okay, you know what this door is?

It's a trap.

It's a whole hallway full of traps.

You walk through this door, you get skewered in five different ways before you get set on fire or face the torrent of boiling oil, and that's even before the clubs.

The demon took another swig and passed it back.

Ivan could see where this was going.

And like, okay, most days, I don't think about it.

I try to be good at my job, but sometimes when I'm staring at the ceiling and trying to go to sleep, the thoughts come.

And if I'm really honest with myself, I know why I'm here.

Forest Monster wants the heroes to make it through this door.

You don't put your best guard or even a good one on the door you want your adversaries to get through.

You put me.

A joke.

I'm a joke, the demon said and broke down crying.

Ivan threw his arm around the demon, saying that he was right.

The demon looked up at him in pain and confusion, but Ivan continued.

The first part of changing was realizing that something was wrong.

And he was proud of the little demon for doing that.

He would leave the guard with this sentence.

What was a forest monster but a little demon who took a chance?

Ivan winked at the demon guard who nodded with a tearful smile, thanking the prince.

Ivan stood and walked off.

That guy's issues aside, and sidebar, most of that's in the text.

He does get the demon drunk and the demon tells him about the trap hallway.

But anyway, that guy's issues aside, Ivan acknowledged that it was good that he wasn't going through that door.

He found a spot on the wall with some vines snaking up and began his climb.

Once he made it over the wall, it wasn't ten minutes of walking over what he imagined, from the heat and all the funhouse monster sounds, was the murder hallway, that he spotted his sister in the tallest tower.

Putting on the invisibility cap, he snuck up until he was at her door.

Both of them knowing who the other one was at once, the priceless princess hugged the brother she didn't know existed.

But she worried.

Her husband, Forest Monster, would be back soon.

Where could she hide him?

She looked around her ornate cell, and Ivan said, Where indeed, for I am no needle.

His sister shook her head.

What did that mean?

It means I'm bigger than a needle, Ivan laughed.

It's a joke.

No, I know you're bigger than a needle, but how is that funny?

Priceless kept looking for any space big enough for him to squeeze in.

It's because I'll be hard to hide, Ivan laughed again, before his sister saw him place the cap on his head and vanish.

Oh, cool, you have an invisibility cap.

Maybe lead with that next time, Priceless groaned.

Wow, do you have no sense of humor?

I was just joking.

We'll be fine, Ivan said from the corner.

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.

My sense of humor didn't develop because I've been in this room since I was kidnapped when I was a pre-teen by a forest monster, Priceless yelled.

Yes, she heard from the hallway behind her.

Spinning to see the smoke take the grotesque form of her husband, forest monster.

The being strode into the room, sniffing the air.

The The guard, the bad one, is drunk again.

Which actually means he's doing a good job.

Still, most of the time people try his door, but it remained unopened.

I worry that someone climbed my walls.

His glowing red eyes zeroed in on Priceless.

And that's my problem because

Because I followed the scent of human here,

he said, scanning the room.

Yeah.

Human here, me

Priceless looked him in the eyes.

eyes.

What was he doing?

He didn't get enough enjoyment out there harassing the world outside the walls that he had to come in here and torment her, too?

Oh, I'm sorry your beautiful cell is such a torment, but know that I would never harm you, my love.

I'm just I'm hungry.

I want to feed.

And I know he's here, Forest Monster growled.

You're right, a voice came from the corner, and Ivan appeared, doffing the cap.

But I'm a bony morsel, Ivan laughed.

Don't worry, I'll manage.

The Forest Monster salivated, but before he could stride across the room, Ivan slipped the handkerchief from his pocket and put it on the table, where it unfurled into a tablecloth.

In an instant, twelve young people, men and women, rushed in, placing cutlery and plates, then the steaming dishes of meat and vegetables.

They deposited glasses and filled them with wine and mead, and placed seats for Ivan, his sister, and Forest Monster.

What is happening?

Forest Monster asked.

I'm feeding you.

Like I said, you wouldn't enjoy me, but you'll love what they have.

If you're still hungry afterwards, I can be the dessert.

Ivan tucked the napkin into his shirt and picked up the cutlery for the first course.

Three hours later, Ivan could see that forest monsters really were just little demons who took a chance.

You know, I don't know, man.

I don't want to kidnap my brides.

I don't want to be my father.

I want someone to love me for me, but it's just so scary.

Like, what if I meet someone and she's amazing and I let her in and she sees the real me and she doesn't like what she sees?

Isn't the most vulnerable rejection also the most painful?

What if I'm a monster on the inside and the outside?

Forest Monster downed another mead.

Well, that that really puts a lot on a relationship, Ivan mused.

Forest Monster couldn't rely on a partner to give himself worth.

He had to love and respect himself, and meet her as an equal.

Otherwise, how could he expect Ivan was interrupted by the snores?

Finally, all right.

That was close, Ivan said, and his sister asked when they were escaping.

Ivan shook his head, not yet.

He needed her to sit tight for a little while longer.

In the meantime, did she happen to know where their other sister was taken?

Invaluable.

Priceless did.

She was with sea monster, and they lived in an old whirlpool in the ocean.

Ivan nodded, all right.

He looked his sister in the eyes as he put his shoes on and told her, no matter what, he would return.

Stay strong.

And in her eyes, for the first time in years, was hope.

Ivan vanished with a step.

In a few steps he was at the coast where he might have wished he had taken some of his dad's money before leaving on the voyage.

Because when it comes to buying things, turns out money is fairly necessary.

That is, unless you're a great storyteller.

I was gonna joke that it must be nice to be able to walk up to people and tell them, no, I'm not going to pay for passage on your ship because I'm going to tell you stories and they're so good and I'm such a good storyteller that you won't even notice how long the trip takes.

Like I said, I was gonna laugh that that never happens, but then I actually remembered that I was asked by the New York Times a few years back to tell stories on a Mediterranean cruise, so I guess free boat rides for stories apparently is a real thing that still happens, even for fairly middling storytellers like yours truly.

Thankfully, my storytelling wasn't so riveting that everyone on the boat stopped paying attention to where we were going and sailed us straight into a maelstrom.

The whirlpools loomed in the sea ahead.

Sea Monster demanded a sacrifice.

Presumably, he didn't say it, but that's the first place the sailors' minds went, so that's what was happening.

They cast lots, and Ivan shrugged when it came to him.

Well, guess I'll die.

It's been fun, guys, he said, picking up his bag.

Even though he was willing to just jump, the sailors were pretty adamant about doing that thing where one person grabs his hands and the other his feet and they swing him out into the water.

Maybe it was so that he could be a pretty clear sacrifice on behalf of the boat, but Ivan still thought it was fun.

As soon as the whirlpool took him, the sky cleared and the sea calmed, proving that once again, human sacrifice is always the right first instinct for solving any problem.

We'll see Ivan's trip under Decei, but that will, once again, be right after this.

You ever wake up tired and you're like, why did I just do all that sleeping?

What was even the point?

It's not normal to wake up tired, and it could be a sign that you need a better mattress.

That's where Ghostbed comes in.

Ghostbed's been going for 10 years and has helped thousands of people sleep better with premium mattresses designed for cooling, comfort, and durability.

Behind the brand is a team with decades of mattress-making expertise, so you know you're getting a bed that's built to last.

Every ghost bed includes proven cooling technology to help keep you comfortable through the night.

And they're backed by a 20 to 25 year warranty, so you know they stand behind what they're making.

You'll also get a 101 night sleep trial to make sure it's the right fit.

Think about that for a minute.

We buy houses sometimes after a single showing.

cars after a test drive, and you cannot send either of those back.

With Ghostbed, you get over three months to try it, plus fast and free shipping.

Most orders arrive in two to five days, so you could be sleeping better by next week.

And here's the best part.

Ghostbed mattresses cost up to 50% less than comparable brands.

Real quality at a fair price.

Right now, during Ghostbed's fall sale, you can get 25% off site-wide for a limited time.

Just go to ghostbed.com slash legends and use promo code Legends at checkout.

That's ghostbed.com slash legends, promo code legends.

Upgrade your sleep with Ghostbed, the makers of the coolest beds in the world.

Some exclusions apply.

See site for details.

So our butcher box came like the day our last episode aired.

So that night, I surprised Krissa and our son with a steak dinner.

New York strip steaks from ButcherBox, they were phenomenal.

They have a flavor to them that reminded me of the very best steakhouses that I've been to.

And I had to think that maybe I haven't been having grass-fed premium beef.

And that's one of the areas ButcherBox really shines.

It's not just the convenience, though they do deliver over 100 premium protein choices straight to your door, and ours arrived perfectly, or their commitment to how the animals are raised, which is awesome.

They're a certified B Corp.

It's that you can truly taste the difference.

They're committed to, like I said, grass-fed beef, free-range chicken, pork-raised crate-free, and wild-caught seafood.

And for nearly a decade, ButcherBox has led the industry with meat and seafood that's antibiotic-free.

It has this amazing taste that I have not found locally for me.

And I would love to have some right now, but yeah,

it's gone.

It didn't even last two weeks.

We will definitely be back, though.

As an exclusive offer, our listeners can get free protein in every box for a year, plus $20 off your first box when you go to butcherbox.com slash legends.

Go to butcherbox.com slash legends to get this limited time offer and free shipping always.

That's butcherbox.com butcherbox.com slash legends and don't forget to use our link so they know we sent you.

Ivan made it because he didn't fight it.

He didn't try to get to the surface but went with the whirlpool as it pulled him down into the darkness.

He hit the ground hard, having passed through the edge of the bubble into breathable air.

Presumably, the story doesn't point this out, but that's where I'm going to draw the line for realism here.

Ivan looked up and saw someone he had never seen before, but someone he recognized.

Her, invaluable princess, his sister, sitting next to him,

Sea Monster.

The story is pretty sparse on details when it comes to exactly how Sea Monster looked, but I can't not think that he looked like Deep Sea King from One Punch Man, just probably wearing more than a speedo.

Sea Monster rose from his throne and thunder seemed to follow his steps as he walked over, saying it had been so long since he had eaten fresh flesh, and lo and behold, it dropped right into his hands.

How much do you usually tip your DoorDash driver?

Haha, I'm just kidding.

I'm evil, I don't tip.

His sharp teeth flashed in the glowing light of the cavern as his black, almost reptilian eyes studied every inch of Ivan.

Now, I only have to decide which end to begin eating you.

Hey, my name's Ivan.

I'm actually your brother-in-law, and you know what?

I'm just going to say it.

When family comes to town, it's rude to kill and devour them.

Ivan shrugged, just saying, quote, that's too much, shrieked the sea monster.

He comes to force his own rules and regulations upon the homes of other people.

Ivan might have argued that while he respected other cultures' beliefs, he didn't actually buy into moral relativism.

And while he didn't want to make waves, he had to draw his own moral line at someone killing him and eating his flesh.

But we're at the scene in the movie where the shadow looming over the character grows, and then the camera pans out to two shadows of one brutally consuming the other.

Ivan shook his head.

You know what?

Better to just dance it out.

What did he say?

Did he say, dance it out?

Seamonster looked to his shrugging fish subjects.

But before he could look back to Ivan, the prince had his harp out.

Oh my gosh, you were just so fun and I was about to eat this guy, Sea Monster laughed, taking a break after two hours of his whole hull erupting into a surprise dance party.

It did sound fun too.

Everyone there, rich and poor, master and servant, all dancing and laughing together.

Even a whale danced a, quote, German dance.

And some cart busted out their own instruments.

It really does sound fun.

Now everyone was worn out, and Seamonster clapped for his servants to get this kid whatever he wanted.

Ivan was the guest of honor.

After Seamonster had fallen asleep, Invaluable leaned over.

Hey, Ivan, hi, nice to meet you.

Get out of here, she whispered.

Sea Monster was capricious.

He would change in an instant and eat Ivan.

She had seen it so many times before, he needed to leave while he could.

You're coming with me, and Priceless.

Hey, also, do you know how we can free Priceless from Forest Monster?

And, okay, while we're at it, free you

from here?

Ivan smiled.

And yeah, the only thing more surprising for me than the fact that Ivan jumped in a whirlpool not knowing how he would free his sister from the monster at the bottom of it is that it appears to be going very well.

The sister was annoyed to have to make up her own escape plan, but she'll be lying if she said she hadn't thought about it every day for 16 years.

Here's what he needed to do.

Ivan rose from the ocean, just outside the realm of Sea Monster.

And after he waved goodbye to the sturgeon who took him to the coast, Ivan looked at the guards off in the distance.

In addition to their guns, they carried lances on their back.

A little old timey, but it was less about jousting and more about messaging.

Rather, sending a message because on each of the lances on each of the guards' backs was the impaled head of a king or prince who had come seeking the hand of the Tsar maiden, i.e.

the maiden king.

Many had come seeking her hand, and all that remained of those who came before looked down on Ivan in various states of decay.

Ivan took a deep breath.

All right.

The Invaluable never said this would be easy.

In fact, she said it would be extremely difficult, and it was basically a death sentence.

But he would go back with the sisters or he wouldn't go back at all.

And going back with them, apparently, meant marrying the Tsar Maiden.

And marrying her meant jumping her fence.

Yeah, that was it.

Single warriors had fought until exhausted, they died.

Armies had crashed and broken against the might of the Tsar Maiden.

None of them, however, had a magical invisible cap.

Ivan was over the fence in about ten minutes, but only because he was trying to be very sneaky.

Once he was in, he found himself in a magnificent garden with a cool and shimmering pool, and the maiden king in a robe.

She called her handmaids, twenty young women just like herself, saying that they were all going to bathe together right now.

It's hot.

See how the sun burns?

But no worries, no evil eye could see them in the garden, beyond their fence.

Not even a fly could pass through.

All right, time to disrobe, everyone.

Ivan, once he realized what was happening, snatched the cat from his head.

There was a difference between completing the trial and winning her hand and being invisible and watching the maiden king bathe.

She and all the other women screamed, but the maiden king cocked her head and studied the youth.

Hmm.

Running to her fence, she saw all of her soldiers still alive and well, sharpening their weapons and probably putting some februise on those heads, smiling.

She said many brutal wooers had come trying to take her by force, with violence and blood.

He, whoever he was, had found another way.

Using his intelligence and his craftiness, he arrived as a gentle guest.

The maiden king beckoned Ivan into her white stone halls.

The pair was married in a grand ceremony, and the entirety of the Tsar Maiden's realm celebrated, Mainly because they loved their new ruling pair and were happy the Tsar Maiden was happy.

Also mainly because she opened up the food stores and the wine cellars and everyone got the week off.

It was after they had been married for a little while that Ivan asked her.

He had arrived with a purpose, but he found he loved her and that purpose became secondary.

It was still pressing though.

He sighed and told her about his sisters.

The Tsar maiden paced the room as she listened to the story.

At the end, she nodded.

Okay,

she would save priceless and invaluable.

When it came to invaluable, the good thing about fighting underwater was that there was no way for the enemy to staunch his bleeding wounds.

And for Forest Monster, among the trees deep in the forest, no one could hear him scream.

A chill ran down Ivan's spine.

He could see why at least Sea Monster had been afraid of her.

Was she really going to war with Forest Monster and Sea Monster?

Absolutely, the Czar Maiden said, and rang the bell.

If they don't heed the edicts from my hedgehog attorney and my sparrow scribe

What?

Ivan froed his brow as the animals came in the room.

It's pretty straightforward and also very unexplained.

The Tsar Maiden had a hedgehog lawyer and a sparrow scribe.

The story doesn't say what their names are, but in my head they are Barrister Bristle for the hedgehog and scribbles.

The edicts to the forest monster and the sea monster promised that the Tsar maiden would take them into custody and deliver them to a cruel death if they didn't give up the women immediately.

And the monsters took the legal threat crafted by the two adorable animals seriously and released the women at once, knowing that they could do nothing to stand against the Tsar maiden, and, both women marveling at the power of their new sister-in-law, made their way to the kingdom.

While they were feasting in her white halls, Ivan penned one more letter.

It was to his father, Tsar Wisehead, inviting him to dinner in Ivan's new kingdom, that he ruled with his wife as Tsar and Tsar maiden.

Ivan might have pointed out that the name was inaccurate now that they were married, but he wasn't about to tell her that.

He did want to tell his father that, rather than strength and valor and violence, wit and intelligence could prevail over all.

Sometimes a self-playing harp was as useful as a blade made with damascus steel.

Now that he was triumphant, he invited his father to join him, his wife, and his sisters.

The banquet was ready.

He folded the letter, sent his message, and went to dinner, content that he had rescued his sisters without so much as picking up a sword, relying solely on his intelligence, his craftiness, and his wife's threats of brutal violence.

So, there's not much for cultural context when it comes to the story.

It was translated by Robert Bain in the 1890s, a British historian, from stories that came from somewhere in the Russian Empire, which at the time bordered the German Empire in the west and encompassed Finland and Poland and bordered Iran to the south.

So, as we've talked about before, wide range of peoples and cultures that get kind of flattened out when the writers at the time just referred to them as Russian stories.

One pretty clear value does shine through, though, and it's the value of wit and intelligence over violence and strength, and that Ivan, the protagonist, never once even touches a weapon or hurts anyone, which is actually fairly rare when it comes to stories on this podcast.

Next time, it's our Halloween episode.

But if you're looking for something in the meantime, check out Fictional.

our podcast where we do this, but with stories from classic lit and public domain.

Next week, we wrap up season six with a third part of our telling of the original Wonderful Wizard of Oz.

Links in the show notes.

The creature this time is Garm from Norsemith.

So before the gates of HEL Hell in Norsemith, the cold realm of the dishonored dead, a dog sits waiting.

Now you might think, a dog?

Okay, how many heads does he have?

Just one?

Hmm.

A little sparse in the heads.

Is his tail made of snakes?

No?

Wow.

Seems a little weak compared to Cerberus in Greek myth.

Well, okay, sure.

But the only thing having three heads to guard the underworld tells people is that you need three heads to guard the underworld.

Also, I will say that compared to the revolving door that is the Greek underworld, I've read all the sources on Norse myth, and I can't think of anyone escaping or breaking into hell.

Even Odin couldn't get his son back.

Garm, the dog, does have four eyes though, and that's not to imply that he's wearing glasses.

He also is permanently splattered in blood, which not sure if that's something that just stays on him or if he regularly gets a fresh coat.

Regardless, I have no desire to mess with him.

What he hates most of all though, are when people are unkind in life, and he will pay them back by being particularly mean to them in hell.

Maybe getting one of those fresh blood splatters he's so fond of.

Seems a little hypocritical to hate meanness, but to respond to that meanness by being mean, but what do I know?

I'm not an otherworldly dog.

Apparently, Garm's howl will signal the beginning of Ragnarok, the doom of the gods in Norse myth, where the disparate groups oppressed by the Acer, the ruling gods, will voice their displeasure with the arrangement by rising up against them in a pitched battle where everyone dies.

We actually covered it back in episode 88.

where I looked back at it and yeah, we mentioned Garm in one sentence, but not even by name.

And yeah, everyone dying includes Garm, who, in his last act, will meet the former dog lover Tyr, killing him but dying in the process.

I can just picture Tyr, who had his hand bitten off by Fenrir, Loki's monstrous wolf child, confident on the battlefield, and then immediately freaking out and losing it when he saw yet another aggressive monster canine coming at him and screaming that this was his nightmare.

That's it for this time.

Myths and Legends is by Jason and Carissa Weiser.

Our theme song is by Broke for Free, and the Creature of the Week music is by Steve Combs.

There's a list of other music we used in the show notes.

Thank you so much for listening, and we'll see you next time.

So, what do this animal

and this animal

and this animal

have in common?

They all live on an organic Valley farm.

Organic Valley dairy comes from small organic family farms that protect the land and the plants and animals that live on it from toxic pesticides, which leads to a thriving ecosystem and delicious, nutritious milk and cheese.

Learn more at OV.coop and taste the difference.

Top reasons your career wants you to move to Ohio.

So many amazing growth opportunities, high-paying jobs in technology, advanced manufacturing, engineering, life sciences, and more.

You'll soar to new heights, just like the Wright brothers, John Glenn, even Neil Armstrong.

Their careers all took off in Ohio and yours can too.

A job that can take you further and a place you can't wait to come home to.

Have it all in the heart of it all.

Launch your search at callohiohome.com.