PREVIEW: Patrick Balkany

Bonjour tu l'Monde, Jimmy Pelle november, et just la mares this episode, mais ami et deputémairese Riley et Mattie son la aussi

des oaths.

Oh la la la la la

fucking

girls.

I hate this.

Like I was expressing to you one moment ago before we started recording.

I don't speak French.

I can't even do a French accent.

As the French speakers in the comments will tell us, neither do I.

Okay, I can read French if you want to type out everything you're saying.

Come on Spanish a little bit.

It's in the notes.

It is.

I learned this phonetically, which is to say not very well.

Because part of the context for this is, I don't remember which podcast, but I had to invoke the name of Ertzy the Iceman, right?

Oh, yeah.

I love Ertzy the Iceman.

Ertsy the Iceman, yeah.

Shout out Ertzy.

Someone got really mad at me for saying

humbler of all things for being like, you mispronounced that terribly.

It's not difficult.

And I'm like, I'm trying my best.

I only know it's Ertzy from listening to Ty, from listening to me.

I don't know what Tai said.

Also,

I mean, it's easy to pronounce it Utsi, I think.

I don't know what I said.

I know it's Ertzy, unless it isn't.

But write in, or don't.

I will.

You know what?

Let's ask him.

That's true.

However, oh, yeah, should we introduce our guest?

Yes,

and he's here tonight.

We are here.

We are gathered here today for another beautiful episode of No Gods, No Mares.

Ni Dieu, Ni Maire.

In fact, the pun works better in French, which annoys me as I realize it,

to talk about Patrick Balcani, who is a repulsively corrupt Frenchman, possible inventor of the balcony, and mayor of Le Valois-Pere in northwestern Paris.

Yeah, before him, everyone just like, you know, if you were living up a tall building, you know, you couldn't sort of like lean over something and sort of drearily smoke a cigarette and look into the middle distance.

You had to actually go all the way down to the lobby to do that.

Yeah.

Pat balcony.

Every time I tried to smoke a cigarette, I would just step outside and then I had to look down at the ground, look at the camera like Wiley Coyote, and then fall down.

Funny detail about Patrick Balcani is that he is a huge cigar guy.

And if you crack open the notes at the very top, I have

a photo of him smoking heavily, looking like the most corrupt politician you've ever seen in your life.

Looks like the smoking man.

A little bit.

Yeah, kind of.

He is.

I can't even do it as a joke.

I can't even do it.

As a joke.

We've reached an accent.

We've reached

the accent lacuna

of my mind.

What I love about this picture is he's smoking a cigar, yes, but he is blowing a vape amount of like

smoke.

He's like, he's blowing that cotton.

Vapes were kind of invented in some ways.

However, hold on.

So I'm sorry.

No, I just have a quick question, and I want everyone to just think about this for a moment.

Has anyone, are they yet to invent a cigar vape?

A really thick-barreled vape that tastes like cigar.

I have seen one.

I've seen one.

Back when they, back when in the better days, back when a vape looked like a cigarette with an LED tip,

I have seen an e-cigar.

So it can be gone.

Yeah.

I'm lucky, there is a

Kohib.

There it is.

Amazon.com.

N-U-C-I-G, Havana, Premium Electric Cigar, Rechargeable E-Cigar, E-Cigar, E-Sheisha, Electric Cigar Vape.

Premium E-Cigar, Havana flavor.

We're going to be vaping all of these on stage at the live show, which we are currently planning.

Yeah, so

keep an ear open for that.

Save the date when you know what the date is.

However, keep both your ears open to listen to the podcast also.

A segment.

Rodeo des actualities.

In French, he has spelled A-H-I-A-H.

Merci Sam.

Vulemar, Vule Mar, Vule Mar.

This is a normal episode.

However, this is not merely a municipal roundup.

This is a special sub-segment of the municipal roundup, which we have dubbed the New York Minute.

Beep, beep.

That's my sound effect that I'm doing.

Hey, I'm walking here.

hey

so what's the matter you it's the new york minute you know a lot of stuff's been happening in relation to new york mayors and former mayors and mayoral candidates and so i thought a good place to start might be america's mayor himself oh rudy giuliani sure i bet what he did was completely like he's a hero Yeah, that's nothing to talk about because he is a hero.

Like he's a hero again.

He's been a hero before.

Well, he's, well, he was a hero already, which is why on last week, Monday,

Donald Trump, who's the president of America currently, said that he's awarding former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani himself the presidential medal of freedom.

Well, yeah, look, you only give that out to like your sort of semi-disgraced bag men when they create some kind of ludicrously implausible story about helping a domestic violence victim you found on the side of the road.

Yeah.

Like you only do, you don't do that to like try and cover something up or push it along.

No, you he announced this.

If you don't have the context, he announced this just two days after he got in a mystery car accident.

I'm going to read the official statement by Michael Ragusa, who's the head of Giuliani's security.

And his PR guy.

And his PR guy.

He's a double threat.

Yep.

He goes, on the evening of August 30, 2025 in New Hampshire, Mayor Giuliani was involved in a motor vehicle accident.

Prior to the incident, he was flagged down by a woman who was the victim of a domestic violence incident.

Mayor Giuliani immediately re-entered assistance and contacted 911.

Some very familiar numbers there to him.

He remained on the scene until responding officers arrived to ensure her safety.

Following this, while traveling on the highway, Mayor Giuliani's vehicle was struck from behind at high speed.

He was also there with his business partner.

Oh, no, sorry, his business.

Sorry, this is my favorite line.

His business partner and medical provider were promptly contacted and arrived at the hospital overseas.

They got a medic alert bracelet that says, contact my business partner.

At this time, no further updates are available.

this is the only statement authorized by mayor giuliani signed michael ragusa uh media press ingrees michael at shutdown security oh my gosh having having the like we answer no questions about this statement appended to my statement really forestalling a lot of my questions that i might have about the plausibility of finding a domestic violence victim just by the side of the roads okay so the police corroborated that part actually which is very interesting because i don't have any record here here that I can find of the police lying.

No.

Especially.

In defense of Rudy Giuliani?

No.

But my favorite part is a couple of days later, the rep Ragusa said of Giuliani that he was recovering and in good spirits.

And quote, the man is in great spirits.

He's a beast.

He survived 9-11.

That's true.

That's right.

Yeah, sure.

Absolutely.

I survived the Afghanistan war.

Yeah.

I mean,

if you were born

on september 11th i survived 9-11

oh my god i'm gonna get a little like a 9-11 i'm a 9-11 survivor we're all nine we're the only podcast that is hosted by three bona fide 9-11 survivors jesus christ that's incredible well you're welcome for our service I also see that Rudy is back podcasting and they've got him wearing some kind of a like orthopedic cyborg frame.

They have him in like a joke,

like the only sunny in Philadelphia joke harness that is a D in in flashbacks.

There's one step shy of putting him in a full-body comedy cast and having a sexy nurse wheel him around.

He is so he look like he just looks like he's about to go lie in a personal injury case.

He's a beautiful mayor and we wish him a quick and safe recovery from whatever the fuck that was.

Speak to me of Curtis Sleewa.

Sure.

So Curtis Lewa, the Republican nominee for the mayor of New York City here, beep beep Pong Kong.

K.

I'm walking here.

The most grounded and reasonable campaign in history.

So we're calling it.

Yeah.

And he unveiled.

So everyone right now is unveiling all their like their policies, right?

And everyone's sort of hitting like the big problems in New York City, affordability, transit,

things like this, you know, the cost of living is a huge thing.

So what he has done, of course, he's called for feral cat colonies to claw back at the New York City rat problem.

He calls them Cape Crusaders at night.

I love the New York City Republican Party.

It's so cool.

They're just like,

we can't let it go uncontested, I guess.

We gotta pick someone.

It's a beautiful illustration between the parachute regiment and Curtis Sleuer that wearing a beret too much does something to your brain.

I think it's the legendary.

Yeah, it like constricts a bit too much.

It's too sweaty to have thoughts.

So apparently there was a speaking one day after the, this is in the New York Post, speaking one day after the post exposed rat infestation at the Carcoin Tots playground on West 67th Street, the Guardian Angels founder and GFP candidate said the felon fix is the obvious answer to the rodent problem.

This is Mother Nature's way of preventing rats, rodents, and others from to plague any area of the city, Sliwa said.

What you really have to do is feed them, you water them, you prior them with a basic accommodation.

It's generally a little plastic Tupperware box that they can go in and out of, especially when there's inclement weather.

So if I can just, if I can just pause here, because like everyone's doing policies because Zoron did policies and then everyone else is like, okay, well, we need some policies.

And so Sliva was like, well, cats, obviously.

So the meat and potatoes of his policy is we are going to distribute plastic Tupperware boxes at strategic points around the city to facilitate feral cat colonies dealing with rats.

Yes.

That's actually what the city plans to do is distribute Tupperware boxes.

He says that the mice will smell the cats and they'll stop coming there.

Uh-huh.