480: No Such Thing As President Muffler

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Hello and welcome to a brand new episode of No Such Thing as a Fish.

First things first, let me tell you about our very, very, very special guest, and that is Phil Dunster, the brilliant actor who plays the character Jamie Tarte in the unbelievable TV show Ted Lasso.

I don't know if you've watched Ted Lasso, if you haven't, it's definitely worth checking out.

It's on Apple TV right now.

They're about to show the final episode.

And if you don't have Apple TV, I'm pretty sure you'll be able to get a free trial somewhere.

It's well worth it.

There's loads of good stuff on there, but especially Ted Lasso is such a good show.

Phil actually does listen to Fish, so he came well prepared with loads and loads of facts.

It was such a fun show to record and we all had such a great time.

A few more little bits of news.

We have some live shows coming up in the Soho Theatre in London.

There are still tickets available for that, although some of the dates are now sold out.

So you want to get in there really quick to get tickets for that.

And those tickets can be found at no suchthingasafish.com forward slash Soho.

And apart from that, join up to Club Fish.

There's loads of fun stuff happening there all the time.

There's bonus episodes.

There's a Discord where you can chat to fellow fish fans.

You'll learn about live tickets first.

There's all sorts of bonuses for signing up to that.

So do that.

And apart from anything else, if you're listening in a place where you can follow no such thing as a fish, then do that.

We talked to some industry bods the other day and they said that it is very important that you click follow if you like us anyway enough about that really hope you enjoy this show with phil i'm absolutely certain you will and all i can say is on with the podcast

Hello and welcome to another episode of No Such Thing as a Fish, a weekly podcast coming to you from the QI offices in Hoburn.

My name is Dan Schreiber.

I am sitting here with James Harkin, Andrew Hunter Murray and Phil Dunster.

And once again, we have gathered round the microphones with our four favorite facts from the last seven days and in no particular order.

Here we go.

Starting with fact number one, and that is Phil.

My fact this week is that the Shakespeare's Globe Theatre is the only building with a thatched roof in London since the Great Fire of London in 1666.

Very cool.

Andy is very excited about it.

Thatched roofs?

Are you kidding me?

This is pretty nice.

This is your thing.

Journish.

Is it a fetish?

No,

I wouldn't say fetish.

Would you like to have sex underneath the thatched roof?

Look, everyone's got a bucket list, right?

That's not it.

Anyway, look, look, the Globe Theatre.

Sorry, talk about the Globe Theatre.

So what's the story?

What's going on?

So Andrew Hunter Murray had sex inside the Globe Theatre.

Because it had a batch room.

It was fascinating.

It was made, it was originally built in Shoreditch.

It was called the Burbage Theatre in 1576.

And the land was owned by this bloke called Giles Allen.

And when the lease on the theatre came up, he didn't want to renew it.

And so the Chamberlain's men, which was Shakespeare's company of actors, they decided that they will just literally upsticks, take all of the timber from that theatre and hide it in someone's shed for a bit.

And then, whilst Alan was away at Christmas, they built it a few hundred metres away from where the current Globe Theatre currently is, is where they built it.

So,

that one was thatched, the sort of proper original South Bank theater.

But that will have been before the Great Fire of London, will it?

That was Shakespeare's time.

Yeah, it didn't hang around for very long.

It was 1599, I think, was when it was built.

And then it was actually burned down itself.

It didn't need no Great Fire of London to burn itself down.

Wasn't it cannon during a play?

Yeah, yeah.

I think it was Henry VIII.

Was it?

That bastard.

I think it's one of the least good histories.

I don't want to.

Well, they don't play it very often, do they?

You don't go down the globe and see Henry VIII on very often.

I think there must be a reason for that.

But last time they performed it, Hopkins Thing.

Probably on the band list.

So, did Shakespeare do his stuff in Burbridge's theatre up in the East London side?

Oh, really?

So was anything ever performed in his lifetime during the well yeah, like Phil says, they moved the

whole thing down to

it.

Yeah, yeah.

I think they rebuilt it within his lifetime, even though it burnt down quite closely.

He died in 1616.

And I think it burned down not long before that, but they rebuilt it, and he's still showing new Shakespeare plays there.

Yeah, that's really good to know, because whenever I pass it, I think, oh, this is just a replica.

It's not got any kind of original, you know, meat to it.

You know, Shakespeare was dead by then it's just you know a fake but if if he was alive while people were the modern one is a new one it's completely new it's an even more new one yeah so the modern one was built in the what 80s 90s something like that yeah in the 90s yeah and that was by what's he called san wanamaker san juanamaker and that's the one which has got thatched now is that right yeah right yeah it was it's pretty much the same it uses green oak and it has like wooden um like postings or sort of whatever you know dowling or whatever it is that holds it all together they tried to make it as close to how it would have been made at the time using, you know, all of the techniques that the builders would have used, but they had to use stuff like modern scaffolding and they had to increase the amount of fire escapes and exits and all that sort of stuff.

They got sprinklers.

They got sprinklers, yeah.

I read them, I was reading the newspaper articles from the time, and as late as 1988, the papers were saying that there wouldn't be thatch and it would be tiled, and that was due to fire regulations.

And then sometime around 1990, they kind of changed their mind and said, yeah, we're going to be allowed thatch after all.

That's cool.

It's got some cashmere in the walls.

Is it cool?

Cool.

Because they used, they made proper old-fashioned plaster, as in 17th-century plaster.

Wattle and daub is the name of it, and it includes cashmere goat hair, which is an ingredient of the plaster.

That's cool.

And the thatch roof that they have now has a hidden set of sprinklers all the way through it.

Oh, yeah.

You know, just in case.

I found the company that made the thatch, they were called TAS, and there was an article about them.

And apparently, the the globe wasn't the biggest ever contract that they had they had one bigger contract for thatched roofs can you guess oh my god

it was oh i've given it away it's multiple roofs multiple thatched roofs did they redo a whole village or something uh in a way in a way

in a way okay phil i'll edit out all these silences by the way yeah yeah um

oh an olympic village but like an old-fashioned olympic village that's right yeah it was a 2012 olympics everyone lived in thatched houses.

That's why they were all having sex all the time.

Right, no, it wasn't.

Was it for like a Game of Thrones set?

Okay, not Game of Thrones, but Harry Potter.

Lord of the Rings.

No.

Hobbit.

No.

Ted Lasso.

Bink.

I don't know when this.

I think it was 90s.

So it's a similar era.

This Xena the Warrior Princess.

Film came out.

Matrix.

Okay.

Matrix.

Stop it.

It was a historical film.

Shakespeare and Love.

Shakespeare and Love.

No.

But that would have been.

That feels good.

good.

It's going to be a bit of a downer now that I tell you it was Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves.

Okay, no you were their tracks.

And they had to do the entire kind of village, and they put thatch on all of them, and that was the most money they ever made.

And the globe was the second most they ever made.

Wow, these incredible movies are expensive, man.

Who's made?

Waterworld.

Kevin Castner.

Yeah, they'd flood the earth, you know, for that one.

Kevin Costner, his huge sets.

Dances with wolves.

They had to teach all those wolves how to dance.

You know, the globe?

I do.

When they rebuilt it, it then shrank.

Riddle me that.

Oh, okay.

Okay, they built it in the summer, and then it got cold.

Well, kind of just the timber dries out.

And it takes years and years for timber to properly dry out.

And it dries and it hardens and it shrinks a bit.

So it gets stronger through time, which is amazing.

It's cool.

Yeah, it's very good.

Do you know where they got the timber from?

No.

I think it might have been the 1987 storm in the new forest knocked down loads of trees.

But it's certainly a big storm in the late 80s, knocked down a load of of trees in the new forest, and they got all of the timber from there.

That's really cool.

Yeah, and also the Duke of Edinburgh offered wood from one of his oaks at Windsor.

Lovely.

Nice.

Good bloke.

What a good bloke.

Do you want to hear another fact about the Royal Family in this, by the way?

While we're talking about, well, let's not say good bloke for this one.

So they crowdfunded it quite a lot of the money for this because, you know, they needed a load of money and they needed to get it from somewhere.

So they went to America and they had an event called UKLA 88, a celebration of British arts.

And according to the Desert Sun newspaper, the real stars will be Fergie and Prince Andrew.

So Prince Andrew is partly responsible for the building of the globe.

And the British Consulate said, when you think of Britain, we don't want you to think about thatched cottages and bobbies, but of Concorde, microchips, and Phil Collins.

I don't love to see Phil Collins perform at the Globe Theatre.

Concorde's not even going anymore.

Microchips.

Do we make many microchips?

In the UK?

Absolutely.

I don't think friends are a huge centre of...

Phil Collins is still going strong though.

That's a good point.

He's the one part of the fight.

Have you played there, Phil?

I haven't played there.

I've been to see quite a few productions there.

I was a poor student when I went, and so I was standing.

I was one of the groundlings.

And

I was, I mean, I've got a pretty bad attention span, as it is.

And being stood there for like three and a half hours, I'm like, oh, fuck this, man.

But

do you remember what you were seeing?

I saw Midsummer Night's Dream there.

And they were all great productions, but this is my...

Listen,

I'm working on it.

I'm working on it.

But

they have another space, which is called the Wanna Maker Playhouse, which again is made like a playhouse would have been back in Der.

And it's fully lit by candles.

And you can just imagine that, again, the schematics coming along and they're like, right then, Globe Theatre, what do you got for us today after all the thatched houses and all this stuff?

Oh, a fully wooden theatre and it's only lit by candles.

The way you just said dare, just then a second ago, back in the dare.

Apparently, if you see Shakespeare, you won't hear to be or not to be, you'll hear to bear or not to bear.

Is that right?

Really?

Well, this is what I read.

So, apparently, the Globe Theatre has a tradition now these days of making sure that the accents that are spoken while a Shakespeare play is on is the accent of the time.

And so, David Crystal, who James you and I met years ago, he's a linguistic guy, he studies all types of language, and no one really knows how people spoke back then fully.

He kind of clobbered together an idea of how to speak and to be is to bear.

To bear.

To bear or not to bear.

Okay.

Brian Butterfield.

Oh, did you have any snacks when you were there?

This is relevant, I promise.

Beer.

Got a beer.

Beer count as a snack as more of a refreshment, isn't it?

A beverage.

It still is something from the theatre.

But it was very of today.

Okay, so it wasn't

brewed in it.

Exit pursued by a bear.

I was just wondering, because archaeologists have done lots of digging around under the sites of the old theatres, and they've found out what the snacks would have been in Elizabethan times, which I find really interesting.

Yeah.

Okay, so what?

Go on.

Well, they're slightly limited by what remains, as in what rots and what doesn't.

But they have found thousands and thousands of oyster shells.

That was a huge thing.

And because oysters were not the food for the posh,

they were just a sort of standard standard.

Yeah, yeah.

Just get a few oysters when you went to the theatre.

So that was a big thing.

That's very cool.

Just go back to the accent thing.

There was, because it was such an amalgamation of different accents that were in London.

And they hadn't really sort of formed a London accent yet, I guess, at that time.

It was such a hodgepodge of different accents.

Like a sort of Irish,

British, West Country, Lancashire, Geordie sort of thing.

And I could give it a bit of a go.

Yeah,

yeah.

Nobody can tell me I got it wrong because

no one remembers it.

Something like two households both alike in dignity,

in Feya Verona, where we lay our sen.

From ancient grudge break to new mutiny, where civil blood lay civil hands unclean.

Something like that.

Wow.

That's great.

That's great.

I did just get hit in the head before I died.

Could you do the rest of the show?

Yeah.

There's a lot of, if you go to the Globe, there's a lot of things on the floor, which are the names of patrons, basically, who've helped to fund the new Globe and so on.

And so there's lots of very famous names on there, and two in particular, which are exciting to see, are John Cleese and Michael Palin, which is very cool.

Yeah.

Michael who?

Michael Palin.

Palin.

No, Michael Palin.

Don't stop it.

Because according to the story, John Cleese only agreed to donate to the theatre on the condition that Michael Palin's name was misspelled.

And so,

on the floor, you can see it.

It's P-A-L-L-I-N.

What would you have done if we just politely glossed over?

I was holding on, going, come on, guys, someone, someone call me on this.

It's a problem when you pronounce everything wrong.

The thing is that Dan's such a big fan of Michael Palin.

I was thinking maybe that's how it's pronounced.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But yeah, so the Globe says that this is a story.

When you go on the tour guides, they say this is a story.

There's no solid, you know, know, John Clees needs to say it out loud.

Okay, but it is misspelled.

Yeah, it's misspelled.

Yeah.

We need to move on in the sack.

Does anyone have anything before we do?

I've got some stuff on Richard III, but that's.

Oh, yeah, do it.

Well, so a lot of archaeologists found the old theatre buried underneath a car park not so far away.

And as was Richard III found under in a car park in Leicester and obviously was one of Shakespeare's big villain protagonists.

And Dr.

Joe Appleby at the University of Leicester looked at the bones and saw that Richard III got fucked up when he got killed.

Oh, right.

That he was, they see from his bones, he had a glancing blow to his cheek.

He had a wound from probably a halberd, which is like a big stick pike with a sort of axe thing that had sort of was potentially the fatal blow.

The back of his head, a sort of chunk was missing there.

And then they think that they didn't want to do too much more to the face because Henry VII needed to parade this dead body around and be like, Look, this is definitely him.

Pulped.

Yeah,

awful.

And they saw what they thought would be some post-mortem injuries to his rib and to his spine as well.

And then it wore up his bum, they reckon.

There's a sort of a mark, like a score.

Was that after he died?

Well, this is it.

This feels like a question.

That's a different play, Dan.

He's my kingdom for a horse.

My kingdom for a horse with a very soft saddle.

Wow, that's amazing.

Yeah, poor old black.

That was in battle, wasn't it?

That he was killed.

That was in Battle, Battle of Bosworth.

He was the last king killed at a battle.

Was he?

Okay, I don't think anyone since then has been.

Cowards.

Come on, Charles.

Come on.

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Okay, it is time for fact number two, and that is Andy.

My My fact is that when residents of Greater Manchester were recently asked, they identified four distinctive accents in the region.

Manck, Lancashire, Wigan, and posh.

Brilliant.

Yeah, it's like a good version of the Spice Girls.

But instead of

Wigan Spice.

Yeah.

Mank spice.

Wigginspice is eating a pie all the time.

James, do you, when you see that there's these four, does that make sense to you?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.

I would say my accent began as Lancashire with a bit of Wigan, because I went to primary school in Wigan, and now it's posh, probably.

Right.

Like, I've lost a lot of my accent since I moved to London, so I think people in Greater Manchester would say I was in the posh bit.

You do, I notice when either you're around family or people from the north, you do slightly slip back into a it's like the wording like um tintanet.

I don't want like you know how that's a word.

That's kind of

but you miss out like certain words sometimes.

I did on purpose.

I did it when Phil came in and then he opened his mouth and I'm I'm like, oh, yeah, you're not Jamie Tarte after all.

It's always a disappointment.

What's Tarte's accent?

Is that from

it's

well, it's sort of new Moston, sort of

way.

Because the people who did this research, one of them was called Dr.

Rob Drummond.

He listens to fish, it turns out.

And I emailed him and sent him an example of your accent and asked him if he could play some of the things.

Oh my god.

So this is an academic.

And he said, no, it's shit.

No, he didn't.

He was like, no, it's really, really good.

And he says, you do a great Manchester accent, and it's all about the letter vowel and the happy vowel.

And apparently, when you say letter,

as I would say it, if you're in Manchester, you say letter,

which Jamie Tarte does.

And happy, as I might say it in Manchester, they say happe.

But anyway, he could take your accent and he reckoned he could pinpoint it to pretty much central or just north of central Manchester.

Wow.

Crumsel, kind of Smedley, that kind of area.

Wow.

That's so cool.

And academic reason.

That's a good report card three years later.

I mean, it depends what series you watch, because I think the first series, I was like, I don't really, I don't know if I'm doing this right, but it was an American show.

So I was like,

they won't care.

We should name the project, shouldn't we?

It was called Manchester Voices.

And it was a three-year research project at Manchester Metropolitan University.

Yeah, Dr.

Rob Drummond, who checked out

Phil's accent,

he is a listener.

He listens to fish all the time with his daughter, Cassia, and he has a new book coming out called You Are All Talk.

It's not out yet, but if you want to pre-order that, you can.

They had a really cool thing.

They had an accent van which drove around and they bundled people into the accent van and recorded how they spoke.

I think that, yeah, they invited

questions that they asked were things like, oh, and I'm curious because you're from Bolton, Gen.

So

if they said, I've never heard you say instead of bottle, buckle.

Buckle, yeah.

Yeah, or lickle instead of.

But that is a Bolton thing, but I don't really speak like that, no.

School with two syllables.

Schuel.

Schuel.

That's more of a Wigan thing, you would say skiel.

Okay.

So the word buck,

as I would say it, 10% of Boltoners say book.

Book.

Instead of book.

And 71% of Wigginers say that.

Wow.

So that's how you can tell the difference.

And 30% of Boltoners say buzz instead of bus.

And I'm actually I actually do say buzz instead of buzz.

Did you just with all those words James was saying when you were doing your accent is it something that you studied or is it one of those things that once you start speaking in an accent you almost naturally find the way that they would pronounce it anyway?

I guess studied, watched documentaries and whatnot.

Yeah, okay.

My agent who I love very dearly is

Mancunian and she's very sassy and there was a lot of sass in Jamie Tart so I was like that's quite a good sort of start point and I think generally I sort of am okay at picking that that up But there's a there's a rapper called H and it's funny that the distance

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, he's um he's he's much cooler.

Atrom's chapter coming on next week.

Okay

But H is really like proper mank isn't he yeah

yeah Yeah, and I think that one of the things was when we were auditioning for it They didn't necessarily want a mancunian.

They just wanted someone who didn't sound like me.

They just wanted, you know, or Italian or Spanish or whatever.

And I think that it just felt right for him that sort of sense of like he'd come from a place that was that you had to sort of graft to to get out of

and that's why I say season one season three if I'm being totally honest it started off with one of the Gallagher brothers right and it's sort of slowly stepped towards sort of Jesse Lingard come sort of a far more sort of contemporary version of that it would be like alright how you doing you know mate How's it going?

Yeah, I told you a lot with the game there.

But it's like, do you know what I mean?

Yeah, it's a lot more like sort of contemporary.

And it feels a lot more like he's just got, I feel like he's rapping all the time.

Do you know what I mean?

Right, right.

So, yeah, just, yeah, so anyway, it's sort of, it's, it's shifted from a sort of 90s version of it.

I've read quite a few things about actors who, so Austin Butler, who just played Elvis in the biopic, the Baz Loman biopic, um,

there's videos of him prior to doing the role to how he speaks now, and he's been unable to shift the Elvis voice, the Elvis draw.

So when he received his award at either the Emmys or the Golden Globe, he's, well, thank thank you, everybody, for this incredible award.

He can't get rid of it, and he actively talks about it because he's questioned about it.

They're like, you don't talk like this.

And he's like, oh no, I can't get rid of it.

And so he's trying to lose the Elvis accent.

That's so random.

Yeah, well, no, it happens with quite a lot of actors.

That's what I was going to say.

Did you ever have anything where at home suddenly you found yourself not being able to shift the accent or was it not long enough a gig to either?

Oh, I think there was probably a couple of words I just enjoyed saying, like poopa.

I just really enjoyed.

poopa it just feels right a lot of the words at the end it's just quite fun but you can track what film tom hardy was doing by interviews at the time because he's i mean he's got a real sort of chameleon accent

Do you remember Steve McLaren when he went to work in the Netherlands?

Yeah.

And he just started talking with a Dutch accent.

Oh, really?

But he was only there for like poop.

So he was a former England football manager and he became a manager of, I can't remember who it was, IX or someone.

It wasn't Ajax, but a Dutch teacher.

and then he would do interviews in England and he just had this really strong Dutch accent and he'd been there for like only a few months and he was like trying to ingratiate himself with the coaches I think it's I think it's subconscious though isn't it when people do that

because you're trying you're talking to people who let's say you go to America or Australia or somewhere you naturally will well some people do and some people don't it's a really it's really interesting well yeah you do naturally you imitate someone's accent don't you because it makes them like you better that's the idea but also they've they've decided that this is a good idea and they've got this ai software where if you phone up uh you know an uh what do you call it like a chat like uh not chat like

my bank card isn't working

if you phone up a call center and um yeah they've they've worked out this ai which can hear your accent and then imitate your accent and so they come back in a slightly similar way to you talk and it means you trust them more.

It's so weird.

And it's mostly, basically, because of where call centers are around the world, it's mostly to make people in places like the Philippines sound like they're from Boston or whatever.

And so.

But this is the plot of a film.

It's a film called Sorry to Bother You.

And it's about a young black guy who gets a job in a call center.

Oh, yeah.

And then someone tells him, use your, like an older guy in the center says, use your white voice.

Oh, shit.

And he starts getting lots and lots of business because he's sounding preppy and whiter.

And so they've literally turned this.

It is a horror film.

They turn it into a

technology.

It's so weird.

God that's ugly.

James, what is...

This is a little bolt on quiz.

Oh, I don't know why I'm quizzing.

Sure, if it's us, okay.

It's us.

P-Wet.

Dan.

Oh, I know what that is.

P-Reddit.

P-Wet.

You've read it, so you're out of detection here, I'm afraid.

P-Wet.

A P-W-Wit is a type of bird.

Absolutely.

Is that helpful?

Maybe not.

Could be.

Could be.

P-Wet.

Because it goes P-Wit, P-Wit.

Would James be trying to help you in this quiz?

Maybe.

Yeah, is he a friend?

Maybe not.

A distractor.

Is it P-Wet?

P-Wet.

You've wet yourself with P.

I didn't even think of that.

Yeah.

Yeah, good.

If you ever come to Bolton.

Yes.

That's what you have to say.

You go to a chip shop and they say, do you want P-Wet?

Go, no, of course not.

Don't mind if I do.

I don't need your help for it.

Thank you very much.

James was helping you that P-Wet is the mushy pea water.

Yeah.

So you can get them to put, if you have chips with P-Wet, then you don't have to pay for the p-wet.

You get the chips and they'll just pour a bit of the wet bit of the mushy peas on

the water runoff from the mushy peas.

Wow, sorry.

No, you didn't think it was.

That's not what I thought.

I thought it was just mushy peas, but that's that's a step towards insanity.

Why would you want that?

Like, you'd have wet delicious mushy.

Chips are too dry.

Ah, so kind of like a vinegar.

You put vinegar on, don't you?

Yeah.

Wow.

It's very exciting.

Shakespeare in English, isn't it?

It is.

I want to try another one today.

Cracking the flags.

Bought to flags.

Cracking flags.

Cracking the flags.

Is it rude?

She's got a pair of cracking flags.

No, I...

Okay.

I don't know.

Do you know what it is, Phil?

I don't know what this is, no.

Really?

What if I was to tell you that the flags relate to flag stones, as in, like, pavement?

Cracking the flags.

Like,

walking

as a pedestrian.

Cobbled streets.

This is so funny because these are words that I thought everyone knew.

And I'd never heard this until.

That's the only reason I mentioned it, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

It means it's really hot, it's cracking flags out there.

Oh, it's hard.

It's so hot that the pavement's breaking.

Yeah, yeah, nice.

Wow.

God, I'm really failing as my pretend Man Cunion here, aren't I?

But the Manke Union accent was, sorry, just to close this again.

The Mankey Union accent was voted, and I found this in the Daily Mail, and the research was provided by best casinos.

So it's flawless, yeah.

Come on, on the go.

I know that you love your watertight facts, checking here.

After they asked 2,500 people,

they found that the Manchester accent was the sexiest accent in that.

That's interesting.

And that's from Best Casinos.

Is that recent?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I think it was last year.

That's interesting.

Because I reckon that change...

You see those things quite often, don't you?

And they say, oh, the Irish accent's most sexy.

Or the Yorkshire is...

Never the Birmingham weirdly.

You know, they do say that.

And I wonder if it's like fashion.

Like, they've seen people like yourself doing the Manc accent on TV and they associate it with

the Gallagher's have an effect

on the sexiness of the most accessible.

That's what I'm thinking.

I read a thing that in America there was once a vote on what was the most sexy accent from the UK.

Oh, the UK.

Yeah, and Glasgow won it, right?

And I wondered, because Billy Conley is so big in America, whether or not there was just something kind of like,

I know he's not seen as like a sex symbol, but he's seen as really charismatic, really funny, everything that's like likable.

Silky guy.

Yeah.

Or whether the person doing the research was Glaswegian and they felt intimidated.

Yeah.

I get one of my favourite things about doing this show is I quite often, I haven't actually had it in the last sort of 12 months, but I used to get it a bunch.

Linguists would write to me saying, I take samples of your accent and my accent and I play it to other people who are linguists and the challenges work out where he's from.

And every time they say no one can work out,

they say like Canada or like New Zealand, Australia.

Like they get elements of it but no one's used to collect on tour and we sort of do like um signings afterwards and people would come sometimes come up and say where are you from to Dan and then you'd ask them to guess and I used to keep a list on my phone of everywhere people had guessed yeah yeah yeah and it was I mean the whole world because I think you just have an international accent like from as if you went to international school like my wife's got a similar yeah

slightly North American weird accent yeah but I guess if then that becomes the challenge for the linguist what are the influences on this accent we were saying before that when people who are from a certain place go back to that place or speak to other people from that place, that accent starts to come out a bit more.

Do you have that with one of your...

If I go to Australia, I definitely lean into Aussie a bit.

I should have a British accent by now because I've been here long enough, but I don't.

And the Hong Kong accent was very American where I grew up.

But

where do you go to sound more like you are now?

Not just more Aussie, you know?

Because you don't really sound very Aussie.

No.

When you travel internationally, it's actually only in departure lounges that Dan sounds most like himself.

Yeah.

Whenever you're buying a Tobleron, it's like, oh yeah, I'm at home now.

Okay, it is time for fact number three, and that's my fact.

My fact this week is that of the few people who have top secret clearance at the White House, one of them is the person who writes all of the party invitations.

Amazing.

Such a good plot for something, isn't it?

You know, the calligrapher.

And it's the president's party invitation writer.

It's missing.

Yes.

Oh, yeah.

Because you'll know.

As the invitation writer, who's coming to the summits, who's

everyone's address.

He's got Brezhnev's address.

He's got Britney.

Brezhnev.

Yeah.

I'm king of a key global player.

Brezhnev.

When did Brezhnev stop running the Soviet Union?

I was thinking of mine as a Cold War thriller.

Imagine how beautiful his ransom letters would be.

Oh,

yeah.

That would be perfect.

So, this is a thing where this kind of came up in the news when it was during Trump's administration that Jared Kushner, his son-in-law, had been downgraded from top-secret clearance because they sort of just tried to stop making everyone have it.

And people noted that because he had too many links to the Saudis, but yeah, sure.

Yeah, yeah.

So,

it's nice not recording on the BBCs.

So, it got downgraded, and someone was pointing out that actually he's now got less clearance than the calligrapher has on the in-house.

And the reason the calligrapher has it is because they have to know everything about the president's appointments, what's coming up, who they have to, and they're near dignitaries all the time.

And so they need to be on top of everything that they need to write because they write so many invitations.

They have a unit.

It's a calligraphy unit.

There's a whole office that does this.

It's not many people.

There's only like three or four people.

But, you know,

it's a lot.

In fact, one of them said that in one December period alone, they believed that they did 19,000 envelopes.

Brilliant.

And those are hand-written.

So, yeah, and they're paid very, very handsomely, and

they've been going for a very long time.

Like, they're like long-term posts that they can run for.

But

they did ask one of the, I think he was by this point the former calligrapher when the story broke, and Rick Paulus, who had run the office, he said that it was just because of the schedule and the proximity to world leaders.

He said he never ever dealt with intelligence matters, which you would hope he would not.

As in

like something gone wrong, it has to solve

a crisis.

I wonder who's the best RSB peer.

Oh, like the timeliest

of all the world leaders.

Yes, that's interesting.

I feel like Trudeau's

waiting by the post office door.

Yeah.

He'll reply nice and swift.

They did a thing like this with the Royal Wedding.

I can't remember which Royal Wedding it was, whether it was William, Kate, or Harry and Megan, but they ran a thing of so-and-so's replied very quickly saying that they were likely to be a little bit more likely to be.

Oh, really?

Really?

Do you remember there's that fact that Megan Markle, her former job when she was an actor as a side job, she was a calligraphist for invitations.

So

she had done

Robin Thicky of Blurred Lines.

Robin Thickie, yes.

Yeah, Blurred Lines fame.

He did her wedding, the invites were written by Meghan Markle.

You know Robin Thick?

Yeah.

Who's that?

The Blurred Lines guy.

Do you know his dad was really famous?

He wrote the theme tune to Different Strokes, the TV show.

Oh, is that also a problematic song?

Sounds it.

Sexy song.

In Lancashire, it means something very different.

Wow.

That's the best.

I mean, no offense by this, James, trivia fact I've ever heard.

Like, that's good.

That's good.

That's just something I happen to know.

That's hard.

That's fabulous.

Rick Polis, by the way, so this guy was the head of calligraphy.

Have you seen his website, RickPolisCalligraphy.com?

Wonderful.

He's quite annoyed because the kind of digital age where computers started recording all the examples of all

the invites that they write over the years are now being archived.

He kind of just missed that.

So a lot of his work isn't online for you to see.

So he presents on his website my favorite invites and my favorite bits of calligraphy that I did for the White House.

Yeah, so you can see menu for the President of Ireland.

That's

a cool one, isn't it?

He did a load of

convoluted Celtic style design.

That's great.

All of those meals the president pays for, doesn't he?

Yeah, isn't that weird?

Is that right?

Because it's we when I went to the White House

blank.

Yeah,

guys, are we talking about the White House?

Where did you go?

I went

the start of this year.

The cast of Ted Lasso were inexplicably invited for

an audience with the President and the First Lady.

Insane, yeah.

Six of the cast members sort of spoke to the President and the First Lady about mental health and the effect that the show has and sort of impact that is needed over there.

But we also were, you know, we were having a tour and we sort of had, you know, learned some things about, learned a thing or two about the White House.

And one is that the President, because a lot of it is

state-funded or sort of funded by taxpayers, they can't be seen to be handing out big banquets for everybody that comes.

It is just like it says GAF, isn't it?

Yeah, exactly.

And, you know, hopefully one day we'll be able to say, huh, GAF, guys.

Am I right, guys?

2023.

Did you get an invite?

Like a handwritten one?

No, I did not.

We got an email, and obviously, we all thought it was fake that we've been

to the White House.

I wonder if the same guy types the emails up.

He types them in an incredibly

wand he uses to tap each letter.

It's very, yeah, yeah.

Did you have lunch with Biden or did you just say hi?

Because I saw a photo.

You were in the Oval Office, right?

We were.

We did go into the Oval Office, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Which is wild.

It was the energy when you walk in the room, you're like, oh, some scandals

um but no we we we we were we were kept in the map room where we ate which is is where they planned the d-day landings in the map room oh just to be sitting there eating is odd and you're there with like 25 secret service all just sort of knocking about who were so cool really nice right and also like have you know you ask them any question and they you can see them go through the roller decks of what can i say what can't i say

yeah and the weird thing was i don't know if you had it

you call someone by a title, it suddenly feels very strange, and these people that you've been knocking about with, the cast members I've been with, hearing them call someone a title, it feels very contrived the whole time.

Mr.

President, Mr.

President.

Yeah, yeah.

And

so you're just thinking about that the whole time when you're meeting him.

What's the term for the first lady?

Dr.

Biden, I think.

Dr.

Biden,

and obviously the whole time you're thinking, it's like in taxi driver when De Niro's going, you're talking to me, you're talking to me.

It was like before I turned up, I was like, Mr.

President, Mr.

President, hello, Mr.

President.

And of course, it's just sort of don't say Trump, don't say Trump, don't say Trump.

But it was funny when we were saying goodbye, the guy who plays Isaac McAdoo, collar bikini.

I was stood next to him, he was shaking our hand.

The president was shaking our hand.

He's going around the circle and turns to Connor and goes, Thank you for coming along, son.

And he goes, Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cheers.

And he turns to me and he says, I just said, Cheers to the president.

Oh, no.

It's so good.

I wonder how often people call the president dad by mistake.

You know, like calling the teacher mum.

Exactly.

Yeah, yeah.

It must happen to him on a sort of daily basis.

It's such a shame you didn't have lunch with him because I've heard great stories about his lunch times.

Well, when he sits with Kamala Harris and they have their lunch, he likes to eat with a slideshow going.

So they just eat their meal while they're watching a slideshow of all the recent adventures they've had, just so that they can sort of remember and reflect on

what's going across.

Yeah, I think, yeah.

Is it a slideshow of his stuff or both of theirs?

Both of them, I think it's, yeah.

It's just like, oh, okay, here I am, shaking a hand.

Yeah, that's the guy.

That's Ted Latino guy.

He said, cheers.

But can I tell you one last calligraphy thing?

Oh, okay.

Did you hear of Rick Muffler?

No, what a guy.

So Rick Muffler used to be a calligrapher.

Maybe the chief one.

And he was controversial because he was the only left-handed calligrapher in the office.

Oh, that means you're going to smudge everyone else's calligraphy.

Exactly.

It was a nightmare.

But just he's cool, particularly because it's kind of a family thing for him.

So his grandfather was a chauffeur for President Warren G.

Harding.

Wow.

And then his dad,

John Muffler, was an electrician who wound the clocks in the whole White House.

He worked there for 50 years.

He arrived in the late Second World War, and he was there for Bill Clinton.

All that time he was in the White House.

And so Muffler's the third?

Is that who we're talking about?

Rick Muffler was the third Muffler.

I don't know if there's a new.

I would like to dream that in, I won't be here to see it, but in like 500 years, there'll be a Muffler president.

They'll have muffled all the way up

to the top.

That would be good, wouldn't it?

That would be great.

There were some sort of airs and graces that the Trump family didn't really follow.

Oh, really?

There were traditions that the first lady, when the president leaves office for the last time, the first lady would sit for a portrait.

And Melania refused to do that, or has certainly as yet to have sat for.

And there's this corridor where all of these paintings are put.

And Michelle Obama is still placed at the end of the corridor, which is traditionally where the previous incumbents are.

To be fair, I feel like both Donald and Melania probably have a painting in the attic somewhere.

Very good reference.

Thank you.

I was reading about top secret clearance, just because these calligraphy people have top secret clearance.

It's a very weird thing, top secret clearance, because it appears to

so many people have

the numbers are mad.

Okay, so there's like secret, confidential, and then top secret, or something like that.

The top secret is the highest.

But top secret clearance, even back in 2015, it was 1.3 million Americans.

That's like one in every 300 people in America.

Yeah.

And if you broaden it to confidential, maybe that's the bottom rung.

It's about 1% of all Americans have secret status.

None of the children will have it.

So that's even, you know.

God, you're right.

Yeah.

It's really common.

If you're American listening to this and you don't have top secret clearance, shame on you.

Give your head a wobble.

So when I said at the top of the few people who have

currents, but I wonder if it's slightly different than White House top secret compared to this is like civil service top secret.

Yeah, there's CIA and there's

different gradations within top secret where like not everyone can look at the plans of where we're going to invade or whatever who's going for dinner

yeah biden slideshow

yeah but it is strange but that that became evident when um during the the recent leaks during the ukraine war that was one of the things that people were so surprised about was that there's so many people had this clearance that was you know delicate a 21 year old yeah yeah yeah very peculiar yeah i was reading about some other parties or some parties at the White House because this is a party invitation guy.

Yeah.

I found that it seems to be quite a common thing of riots in inauguration parties when people go to get their coats at the end of the night.

This is really weird.

It happened in President Reagan's ball in 1985.

Like, everyone went to get their coats at the end and they got all mixed up.

Because the inauguration takes place in winter, right?

It takes place in January.

So everyone's got loads of coats and they're never prepared for it.

In 1989, President Bush had a ball which got known as the Bastille Day coat check riot

because people were yelling and screaming and some people never to the day haven't got their coats back.

There was one coat check person for 3,000 coats.

What a nightmare.

And people like, obviously, these are all like really high up people who think, well, you know, I'm the most important person in this room.

I should get to the front and get my coat first.

And people are shouting, bushing, all that kind of stuff.

But it even goes back to 1849 at Zachary Taylor's inauguration ball.

Abraham Lincoln lost his hat.

And for Ulysses S.

Grant's inauguration, all the workers who were working in the closed place were all illiterate, and no one got their coats them either.

So it just seems to be a thing.

That'd be dangerous for Lincoln because Lincoln used to keep secret documents in the top of his hat, didn't he?

Yeah,

so just so weird.

Shame that the beautiful calligraphy would have been wasted on those people that couldn't read.

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What if Juliet got a second chance at life after Romeo and Juliet, created by the Emmy-winning writer from Schitt's Creek and Pop Music's number one hitmaker, playing October 7th through 12th at the San Jose Center for the Performing Arts?

Okay, it is time for our final fact of the show, and that is James.

Okay, my fact this week is that in 1999, the Times newspaper reported that Liverpool FC were about to buy a footballer called Didier Baptiste.

The Times got the story from Liverpool's premium line news service.

They got it from the News of the World.

They got it from a sports agency, and they just found it on a random Arsenal fans website.

In actual fact, Baptiste was a fictional player in a soap opera.

What role did Best Casino play in?

Yeah, so this is an amazing thing that happened.

It was in the papers in 99.

Liverpool were going to buy this guy Didier Baptiste, but he was actually a character from the show Dream Team on Skies.

So funny.

And yeah, just people hadn't checked it properly.

The Times said he was a promising left back for Monaco and a proud member of the French under-21 national side.

Surely a steal for £3.5 million.

Amazing.

Wow.

The News of the World said we think Didier Baptiste will be an ideal addition to Liverpool's back four.

He's a really attractive player.

You'll be seeing seeing a lot more of him in the News of the World from now on.

Oh, obviously,

it was just completely made up.

Lying again.

Is this like a transfer season rumours thing?

Because

lots of football stories seem to be about, you know,

a players club or whatever.

You know, a club's going to buy a new player.

You often have never heard of them,

especially if they're coming from a different country.

And if he's an under-21 player, he's quite young.

It wouldn't be that surprising that you might not have heard of them, but

you possibly would expect that newspapers would do a bit more research.

I mean, you think in today's age, that would be absolutely absurd.

It was absurd then, but now, obviously, you'd be able to sort of you know, they'd be on FIFA, or you could find them somehow.

That's true, yeah, yeah.

It would be more difficult to do today, for sure.

Um, when was this?

It was in the 90s, it was in 99, 99, yeah, yeah, okay, because it was so much harder to find these foreign players on databases or whatever.

There was, uh, did you hear about Ali Deere?

No, Ali Dyer, in 1996, Graham Sunas, who was the manager of Southampton at the time, he got a call from George Weir,

who was

a ballon d'Or winner, you know, player of the year.

Future president of Liberia.

Yes, yes.

Yeah, there you go.

And he's interesting.

He really muffled his way up there.

He called Graeme Sunes saying that he should give his cousin, Ali Dyer, a trial because he'd been playing at Paris-Andra Man, he'd been playing for Liberia, and he'd been, you know, been doing pretty well.

And so Sunes was like, that's amazing.

I mean, you know, playing at Paris Angelan, that's incredible.

And so

they gave him a sort of trial contract.

They gave him three and a half grand signing on bonus.

And he turned up to training.

And Matt Letissier, who was sort of the star player, is quoted as saying, what's this bloke doing here?

I honestly thought he won a competition.

But it was the

reserve team that Ali Dyer had been put onto to play for that that weekend, their match was cancelled.

And so Southampton first team needed a sub.

And so he went there and subbed on when Letitier was injured.

He played for 43 minutes before being subbed off again.

He was just a made-up guy.

He was.

Was it even was the George Weaver thing?

Was it actually George Weyer who called him off?

So they don't know to this day who really who it was, but people believe that it might have been his friend or it might have been his.

He was just a bloke.

I love these stories.

Yeah.

I love the huts power.

Yeah.

Did you guys hear about Karl Power?

Karl Power, okay.

Karl Power was,

he wasn't never a sports player, but he was a serial trickster.

And his thing was tricking his way into sporting environments that he wasn't meant to be in, right?

And he started, like, when he was a teenager, he would turn up at boxing matches with a towel and a gym bag, and he would get him for free because they assumed he was part of the fight, right?

And that's a risky one, though, isn't it?

Because everybody boxing here.

If they think you're an actual boxer, you're in trouble.

He built on it, and he built his career.

And he, so one of his greatest moments was when he got into a Manchester United team photo just before they played a big Champions League match and you can see a shot it's got Ryan Giggs Andy Cole Gary Neville and Carl who just this guy and Neville Neville was the only one who rumbled him like they were all lined up for the photo and Neville pointed at him and said who are you who are you and he said shut it Gary you grass

you can see that video you can see Roy Keene right at the end clocks it and Roy Keene is a pretty feisty footballer and you see him look across and it's daggers absolutely funny.

That's brilliant.

But he's dead grass.

He spent his whole career doing this.

I say career.

He didn't get paid much for it, but he played on centre court.

He just turned up and played.

He played a match, like a little warm-up with someone like Tim Henman.

He got onto the podium at the Grand Prix, the British Grand Prix.

He came out to bat for England at a test match.

He didn't actually hit any balls.

He just walked towards and then they realised it was the wrong person.

Yeah, yeah.

But

I admire him so much.

But that's performance art.

That's not

Duggery.

That's pure performance art.

That's brilliant.

Is he still going, Carl Power?

I don't think he's still trading, as it were.

I think he's still around.

Once you get to an age, you can't pretend to be a footballer anymore.

Pretend to be a manager, I guess.

Or like a bowls player or something.

I found a this is a real footballer, but had a fictional element to them.

So it's sort of like mostly real person.

But I was reading about Maradona, and Maradona, so he used to do a lot of drugs.

I think that's very well known.

He used to do

breaking news.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Andy.

He was big on the old cocaine.

But so he had, he was all real, except he had a fake penis.

Sorry, Maradona.

Maradona.

He had a real penis,

but he also had a special fake penis made of plastic so that when he had to do drug tests, he would pull the fake penis out and he would allow the urine to come through it.

And it's so hard to get to the bottom of this story.

Supposedly, the penis was put on display in a museum in Buenos Aires and then went on tour.

I read this in The Guardian, went on tour, and then someone stole the penis somewhere on tour.

So, this missing relic of Maradonas is out in the world somewhere.

Wow.

But, yeah.

Wow.

That'll be on some billionaire's mantelpiece.

You know, they've paid big, big money to a cabal or something to source.

What's called the knob of God.

The knob of God.

Yeah.

Someone's got the knob of God.

It's got a fake bladder, too, I guess.

It's called a wizenator, I think.

I've heard of these things before.

And yeah, you use them for drug tests.

You hook it up to a fake bladder.

Or does the penis contain the fake urine?

It's not an actual human bladder.

It's just a bit of plastic.

But yeah, about it.

So you've got the bag and the wizard, the fake penis.

Yeah, yeah.

And they're all in your...

Everything's in your trousers, right?

Everything's, well, everything's about your person for sure.

But then there was a person who did that, and it turned out that they were pregnant, even though it was a male sports person.

Yeah, he'd taken some female urine, and they were like, good news, you didn't take any drugs.

How do you think you're pregnant?

and a horse apparently

i thought before you said anything about explaining the drug test thing i thought you were going to say it was because people would try and grope him at clubs and then he could kind of make a getaway you know like a lizard losing its tail oh right yeah

idea yeah i mean i don't imagine he played with it did he did he play did my i don't think you're asked for you're in circles mid-game yeah

to me a non-fan that would liven things up yeah yeah

well you've seen when gary lineker pooed himself on pitch haven't you oh we can see i haven't seen that clip.

Well, because there's a mystery, we wrote about this in our book of the year, the fish book, that Gary Lineke, still to this day, some 20-odd years after he did that, gets sent a single piece of toilet paper that's got a bit of poo on it in the post.

He's just constantly, and he doesn't know who's doing it.

It's easy to find out surely whose poo that is.

Well, yeah, to get it.

No, but if someone, if the person sending it is clean, they're not on any DNA registers.

I was thinking with, because Gary Lineke's been in a bit of problem with the government, hasn't he, this year?

I wonder if anyone's checked so well a problem.

Properman.

Not saying it's her, but it's just worth checking everyone, isn't it, really?

All of his enemies.

God bless him.

What were we talking about?

Sort of fake or lie footballers.

Yeah.

Looking at you, Phil.

Well, I mean, our whole performances on Ted is it's so edited that, you know, it's basically choreography on Ted Lasso.

Rather than it being sort of pretending we're playing football I see it more as choreography but it's so hard to do because the thing I've one of the things I really found I really tried to like

whenever you see like close-up of players that that was me breathing by the way

but like if there was ever shots in the middle of a game I wanted it to feel like you're probably panting yeah and I feel like so many sports films you watch that that doesn't happen and it's really frustrating

but there were certain things that the production had to take into their own hands which was some of the particularly difficult choreography that we had to do.

Like someone shoots, it hits off a post, hits someone's face.

It's CGI, the ball is CGI, too.

We'll be running around the pitch, sort of pretending to kick a ball, which is very

emasculated.

It's a lot more difficult.

Yeah, it does.

Yeah, it feels hard.

Because you've got to think of what the weight is of the ball and like what the how much.

In some CGI, they'll just have an orange instead of whatever.

Like you're fighting a dragon, but there's an orange or something.

There's a guy in green

his head as the ball.

And a wonderful best actor goes to the ball.

Tom Hanks as Wilson, furious, never made it to nomination level.

I've got one fact.

It's less about sort of fake football, but more.

There is, do you know about Will Still, the manager at Ream or Ram FC?

No.

It's a Ligue A team.

And every single time the team plays, they are fined 22,000 22,000 euros.

What are they doing out there?

Well it's not so much them it's it's the manager himself.

He is the youngest manager in European football.

He's 30 years old.

He's an English Belgian I think and it's incredible.

He's like this sort of real hot shot manager but because he is so young he hasn't really had time to go and get his certifications which you need in order to be a manager in Liga

and so he's just sort of like he learned off football manager.

It's really sort of.

And he went to university, he got a degree, but like it's really theater.

But yeah, so...

So they find because he just hasn't got the certification yet.

Yeah, so they're one of the rulings that.

What are fine?

That's a big.

How big are they?

Can they afford that?

I mean, yeah, yeah.

But he's done so well.

And it's incredible.

If you watch a video of him, you hear him speaking.

as one normally would in a training session in English and then like without missing a beat goes into perfect French.

And it's incredible.

You watch him, it's just, yeah, he's a really interesting guy.

That's a shame.

I always thought that we could just become a football manager.

Whenever Trammere lose their manager, like Tramere last, I'm a Tramere fan, so we lost our manager a few weeks ago.

And I always think, oh, it's worth a try, isn't it?

You know, it's worth a try becoming a football manager.

But now I know I have to get actual qualifications.

This feels like a French bureaucracy thing.

Sure.

Do you think ever since Karl Power turned up at one of Paris Saint-Germain

and tried to coach the team?

Do you think it'd be okay?

I think think it'll be fine.

I think you'd be fine, James.

And what I don't know about football isn't worth knowing, right?

So I say go for it.

Back in French and Park with a new thatched roof.

I'll be there.

I'll be there, all right.

I'll get a season ticket.

Okay, that's it.

That is all of our facts.

Thank you so much for listening.

If you'd like to get in contact with any of us about the things that we have said over the course of this podcast, we can be found on our Twitter accounts.

I'm on at Schreiberland, James, at James Harkam, Andy, at Andrew Hunter M, and Phil.

At Phil Dunster.

Yep, or you can go to our group account, which is at no such thing, or you can message us on our email podcast at qi.com.

Otherwise, go to our website, nosuchuchthingasafish.com.

All of our previous episodes are up there.

And Phil, do you want to mention anything coming up?

Ted Lasso is currently, I think, just about to air its final episode or may have just aired.

So go and watch that.

And I love you.

great way to end our show damn do we have any live shows coming up we certainly do James you want to tell the everyone about

this it's happening between the 17th of July and late August at the Soho Theater we're doing 11 shows sometimes two a night so there are there are some tickets left actually I think about half the tickets have already gone but there are some left so hurry now

Great.

Okay.

Oh, and go to no such thing as offish.com slash Soho to book your tickets.

There you go.

Do come.

Tickets are going really fast, so do get in quick.

And we've got a new guest each night.

It's going to be really, really fun.

So that's it, Phil.

We love you too.

Thank you for doing the show.

And we'll be back again next week with another guest.

We'll see you then.

Goodbye.

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