467: No Such Thing As Free Laundry

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Speaker 6 Hello, and welcome to another episode of No Such Thing as a Fish, a weekly podcast coming to you from the QI offices in Covert Garden. My name is Dan Schreiber.

Speaker 6 I am sitting here with Andrew Hunter Murray, Anna Tashinsky, and James Harkin. And once again, we have gathered around the microphones, but this time for a very special, somewhat sad episode.

Speaker 13 Poignant.

Speaker 6 Poignant episode.

Speaker 6 A very sad announcement that we have to make is that...

Speaker 11 A happy announcement, no?

Speaker 15 I think it's a happy announcement. Is it? It's very confusing.

Speaker 16 Well, Anna Tashinsky is leaving the show.

Speaker 17 So it's a...

Speaker 14 I'm delighted.

Speaker 18 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm delighted.

Speaker 7 Yeah, for nine months.

Speaker 14 Temporarily. Temporarily.

Speaker 19 So, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 6 She's going away for a while to think about what she's done, and then

Speaker 23 she can come back.

Speaker 24 And what specifically she's done,

Speaker 24 created a baby. She has.

Speaker 6 She's been collaborating on another project with another person.

Speaker 26 Very low effort, so much less work than the podcast.

Speaker 27 And I hope that it continues that way.

Speaker 28 That it does.

Speaker 6 Anyway, we thought we would commemorate this tragedy. I think it's a tragedy that she's going.

Speaker 5 That she's going. Joyful news.

Speaker 30 That's obviously happy stuff, yeah.

Speaker 11 But not for us, not for the listener. Not for them.
Not for me.

Speaker 31 I honestly feel like I am am secretly dying and no one's told me.

Speaker 26 This one has been leaving drinks tonight.

Speaker 27 People use the anna's leaving thing.

Speaker 24 As someone who's been in this situation or a similar situation twelve months ago, metaphorically, it's the end.

Speaker 38 I'm going to be dead inside from now on, aren't I?

Speaker 39 I'm afraid so. Yeah.

Speaker 6 You were gone for two weeks though on paternity.

Speaker 19 Should we have done a missing chainsaw?

Speaker 30 Do best of. And but we should say that's what we're here to do.

Speaker 6 We're here to commemorate our wonderful buddy.

Speaker 23 A very dappy word.

Speaker 41 Can we say celebrate?

Speaker 42 You know, it's not sad again.

Speaker 15 It's a sad eulogy.

Speaker 30 Yeah.

Speaker 6 So we thought what we'd do is we would present our three favourite facts this time, not four, it's sort of get used to the idea that she's not here.

Speaker 6 And share with you some of the greatest moments that she's had over the last nine years of fish.

Speaker 7 Nine years we've been doing this.

Speaker 6 Coming up to it in March of this year. So yeah, we're on the brink.
So.

Speaker 44 Thank God I'm going out.

Speaker 13 You are coming back.

Speaker 45 You're coming back in nine months, and there's a very exciting roster of guests actually presenting lined up to replace you.

Speaker 18 So, you know. Wow.

Speaker 48 Let's not use the word replace.

Speaker 24 Would you jump into a grave that quickly?

Speaker 8 Sarah Pascal?

Speaker 51 Jump into someone's grave.

Speaker 21 Is that what you do?

Speaker 52 Wait. I don't think if you're replacing them, you climb into their coffin with them.

Speaker 13 All right.

Speaker 19 What's the phrase? Dance on their grave. Yeah, maybe.

Speaker 13 Jump into their bed.

Speaker 18 No.

Speaker 29 Jump into their bed.

Speaker 14 Pick up their shoes.

Speaker 45 Pick up their shoes.

Speaker 53 Fill the dead man's shoes.

Speaker 45 I wouldn't piss on their shoes if they were dead.

Speaker 54 That's the phrase.

Speaker 18 Is it? No.

Speaker 55 It's like...

Speaker 30 I think it's maternity cover.

Speaker 22 I think that's the little real cover.

Speaker 56 They haven't even cleaned up the funeral meats yet.

Speaker 59 She's not even cold.

Speaker 20 She's not even cold.

Speaker 18 I'm sorry, they haven't cleaned up her funeral meats?

Speaker 13 I think that's actually.

Speaker 59 I think that's from Hamlet.

Speaker 53 Oh no, they.

Speaker 45 Yeah, no, it is.

Speaker 8 There's a thing about funeral meats.

Speaker 18 In the wedding, they reuse the stuff for Hamlet's dad's funeral for the wedding to have fun with you heard of cheesy funeral potatoes

Speaker 24 sounds yummy though it's the thing they do in Utah I think and it's

Speaker 24 it's basically potatoes cream cheese and corn flakes all together right and it's what you have in funerals and the idea is that it's the kind of thing that a typical Utah family a typical Mormon family would have in the larder and everyone would have these four or five different things I think chicken soup is one of them as as well.

Speaker 24 But you put them all together and it's like the meal that you have at a funeral.

Speaker 20 Really?

Speaker 57 Hold on, you don't mix the chicken soup with the

Speaker 70 potato. You just put it in the chicken soup.

Speaker 60 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 24 So then you put cornflakes on top.

Speaker 46 We're here basically to have your cheesy funeral potato meats.

Speaker 67 Lovely.

Speaker 48 I think chicken soup's quite an incentive thing to have because that traditionally makes you better.

Speaker 19 But of course, at a funeral, it's too late for that to make.

Speaker 19 Absolutely right.

Speaker 24 Sorry, we've broken the format.

Speaker 6 We're going to do our three favourite facts about Anna Toshinsky, each one of us presenting it. And why don't we start with you, James?

Speaker 20 Okay.

Speaker 24 Well, my fact this week is that in order to get into the United States, Anna Toshinsky had to tell a fact about a dead president.

Speaker 53 I'm never allowed there again.

Speaker 6 They let you in, surprisingly, despite it.

Speaker 72 Customs.

Speaker 18 It was. Or border control.

Speaker 51 Yeah, I actually can't remember the context, but they made me say it.

Speaker 58 Well, we'd landed, haven't we?

Speaker 24 We'd landed. So originally, we had to get a visa as something like talented people of exceptional talent or something like that.

Speaker 74 Yeah, it was like we were Julia Roberts or something.

Speaker 60 She wouldn't need one, of course, because she is American.

Speaker 24 So we went to the American embassy and we had to prove to them that we had exceptional talent or they were exceptionally famous or something.

Speaker 24 And the woman at the window just said, no such thing as a fish. I never heard of you.

Speaker 18 That's right. Yeah.

Speaker 24 And immediately we were on the back foot.

Speaker 24 But anyway, eventually we managed to convince them that we should go to America and get a visa to work there so that we could do our show.

Speaker 24 But when we got to the passport control, the visa said that we were a comedy podcast. And the guy said to you, Anna, as you walked up, he said, Well, what do you do?

Speaker 24 And you said, Well, it's a kind of about facts. And he said, Well, tell me a fact then.
And the only thing you could think about was something about the murder of a president.

Speaker 35 Yeah.

Speaker 56 The only thing I can usually think about is President Garfield's anus, but all the more so when you're landing in the home of President Garfield.

Speaker 56 So, yeah, I told him that when President Garfield was assassinated,

Speaker 63 it was a slow process, and he spent the last month of his life eating through his anus, which I'm sure you're all familiar with if you remember episode one.

Speaker 25 Yeah, second ever fact on the show.

Speaker 19 How did he react?

Speaker 20 The border control.

Speaker 22 President Garfield, yeah, hey.

Speaker 15 There were a lot of funeral potatoes that weekend.

Speaker 56 I think he did what most border control people do, which is be very unimpressed and slightly threatening.

Speaker 60 I think it was like, okay,

Speaker 58 go on ahead then, ma'am.

Speaker 22 Wow.

Speaker 76 Which is the reaction I've always wanted to all of our podcast facts.

Speaker 6 Do you know, weirdly, this fact about President Garfield was I remember the exact moment that you told me that fact.

Speaker 6 I can remember the exact spot of the office, yeah, because we were trying, we were getting ready to do what was still a run-through of the show, and we used that segment in the very first episode.

Speaker 6 But I remember you had sent around your facts, and your fact fact was about President Garfield. And it was to do with the fact that he spent three months on his deathbed and they tried to cure him.

Speaker 20 I can't remember your wording, but it wasn't great.

Speaker 11 It was sort of like,

Speaker 50 we need that.

Speaker 20 Just a quick note, Anna.

Speaker 5 That's what this is going to be.

Speaker 24 This is an intervention. What to think about over the next nine months?

Speaker 7 Dan's been holding that in for nine years.

Speaker 34 Yeah.

Speaker 19 I've got a big list of everyone from episode one.

Speaker 5 We're starting. Let's start.

Speaker 14 Episode one.

Speaker 19 Okay, we'll be hearing.

Speaker 72 Tell me what I should have said.

Speaker 6 I can't remember what you said to me at the time, but that I said to you, I love the story.

Speaker 16 Is there any other way of expressing it?

Speaker 6 And you literally in a beat said, you went, oh, what about this? For the last three months of his life, he ate everything through his anus.

Speaker 6 And I remember, genuinely, it was a bit of a thunderbolt, kind of like, oh my God, we're going to have a hit on our hands.

Speaker 73 It was just so beautifully crafted.

Speaker 11 Yeah, I really felt it.

Speaker 6 I'm just telling the origin story here.

Speaker 81 What a strange, inspirational moment.

Speaker 53 I don't think a lot of great inventors could empathise with that moment being the one.

Speaker 46 But the Thunderbolt. And that's why we were so nearly called the President Garfield Anus cast.

Speaker 22 Well, it's such a shame that we changed the name.

Speaker 6 To be honest, when we were thinking of our first book, James and I, when we were brainstorming ideas for the title, The President's Anus.

Speaker 84 I remember The President's Anus coming up quite a bit, being tossed about.

Speaker 21 It feels like the President's Cast.

Speaker 46 It feels like the beginning of a title, The President's Anus. It feels like it should be The President's Anus is missing.

Speaker 20 Or something.

Speaker 22 Oh, we like that.

Speaker 40 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 9 One of my favourite things of that tour.

Speaker 6 So we did a big American tour, it was our first ever American tour. Our first and only American tour.

Speaker 8 Hold yourself back from saying a big American tour because it was five days.

Speaker 73 Well, for us, it was super exciting.

Speaker 14 We were up on Times Square.

Speaker 12 We were up on Times Square.

Speaker 11 We got to play New York. We played Washington.

Speaker 6 We stayed in the

Speaker 6 Watergate Hotel where they had like, remember they had the pencils, like please steal this pencil.

Speaker 14 Oh, the room keys.

Speaker 6 And the room keys.

Speaker 24 They said I was stolen from the Waskadesh.

Speaker 20 Yeah, that's right, yeah.

Speaker 46 And all the light bulbs and pillows I brought home, my suitcase.

Speaker 21 The same thing, weirdly.

Speaker 9 And those documents from the White House.

Speaker 29 Yeah.

Speaker 6 But my favorite thing of all was when we were staying in New York, and I just remember seeing Anna one morning and her looking unbelievably amused because she was holding a bill in her hand for a basic bit of laundry that she had sent to the hotel.

Speaker 10 Oh my god.

Speaker 7 Which came to $240.

Speaker 60 It was more than that.

Speaker 90 I think it was like $400.

Speaker 18 Oh my gosh.

Speaker 2 And I thought it was complimentary.

Speaker 35 I just,

Speaker 73 I don't know. They just put a bag outside your door, didn't they?

Speaker 24 With laundry written on it.

Speaker 18 You just shove it in.

Speaker 28 You just put stuff in.

Speaker 18 I don't know.

Speaker 56 We always then premiere ins when we're in the UK.

Speaker 78 Not used to this.

Speaker 60 So, yeah, tossed all my clothes from the whole tour in.

Speaker 11 You had enough clothes.

Speaker 24 You didn't really need it all done.

Speaker 59 I absolutely know.

Speaker 53 We were going home the next day.

Speaker 46 Sometimes it's lovely to get home with a fresh case of clothes.

Speaker 19 It feels incredible.

Speaker 24 Anyway, so we made a loss on that tour, didn't we?

Speaker 35 Yeah, we did.

Speaker 51 I know, I should say, just to make you think kindly of these people you're stuck with for the next nine months, that they agreed that that could be split, that loss, over the whole tour group, rather than just me taking the group.

Speaker 20 Could be.

Speaker 45 Yeah, yeah. And I think

Speaker 46 the tour pretty much dead on broke even.

Speaker 18 Yeah, right.

Speaker 88 We would have been in the black if it had

Speaker 48 to be.

Speaker 76 I owe you all £100.

Speaker 76 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 6 I think, no, I think I didn't pipe up because when I went back to England, I'd bought so many books that my overweight

Speaker 6 money allowance was something like $1,000 or something. It was ridiculous.

Speaker 84 We didn't take the hit for that, though, did we?

Speaker 18 I think you might have.

Speaker 24 I think we might have done, yeah.

Speaker 67 Oh, if I'm going to take the laundry hit, I thought, Andy, we should have gone for the hawkers and cocaine like we said.

Speaker 8 I only ate one meal a day in America because I was so concerned about making a loss.

Speaker 27 We made him walk all the way from Boston to New York.

Speaker 19 I took one pair of pants and I wore it inside, outside, back to front, upside down.

Speaker 73 No, no, I was on tour with you know, Elton John.

Speaker 59 Yeah, so sorry about that.

Speaker 84 Wow.

Speaker 32 But yeah, didn't get evicted from the country.

Speaker 60 No, what's it called when you get evicted?

Speaker 28 Deported. Deported.

Speaker 38 Didn't get deported for talking about presidential assassination, so actually helped us get in.

Speaker 32 So if you are trying to get into America, give it a go.

Speaker 24 Okay, well, the point of this show, I think, is that we're going to play some of Anna's best bits. And so.
It's a very short show.

Speaker 54 It should be a very short show.

Speaker 24 So let's do a little bit now, beginning with President Garfield's anus.

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Speaker 82 Okay, fact number two.

Speaker 50 Anna, this one's yours.

Speaker 99 Yeah, so for the last month of his life, U.S.

Speaker 101 President James James Garfield ate everything through his anus.

Speaker 87 Big claim, Anna.

Speaker 6 We will get letters from a lot of people.

Speaker 100 Yeah, I mean, I wasn't there, but this is what the doctors tell me.

Speaker 100 No, so James Garfield was, as everyone obviously knows, shot in July 1881, and he lived for a further 80 days. He was shot in the small

Speaker 100 small of his back and once in the arm. So doctors now say he would have been out of hospital about two or three days later.
But obviously, because

Speaker 100 medicine was not quite as advanced as it is now, in 1881, they just invited like dozens of doctors to his bedside who all prodded around trying to find this bullet.

Speaker 100 They didn't know where the bullet had gone in his body.

Speaker 100 So, they gathered round, prodded about, made him worse and worse. He stopped being able to eat.
And obviously, if you stopped being able to consume food in those days, they just shoved it up your ass.

Speaker 82 And so, that's what they did. So, does that work?

Speaker 100 It does not work, no. It was widely discredited in the early 30s.
I think you get about an eighth of the nutrition from some of the food.

Speaker 37 But there's some food that you can't absorb at all.

Speaker 106 What I love is the list of foods that he was fed and as well.

Speaker 87 Beef bouillon, egg yolks, milk, egg yolks, egg yolks. Wait, milk.

Speaker 37 Egg yolks was only true for a while because I was reading the doctor at the time, his report on it.

Speaker 26 So yeah, he was fed egg yolks for a bit of time, and then all the surgeons complained that it was causing annoying and offensive flatus.

Speaker 37 And so they ceased feeding him egg yolks.

Speaker 105 That did the treatment.

Speaker 6 So they stopped it because it was annoying them,

Speaker 87 not the other way around.

Speaker 111 Guys, I'd be quite happy

Speaker 89 with my mouth.

Speaker 112 That's all right by you guys.

Speaker 113 Apparently, it's illegal to move sheep in whales until they've been checked to see whether they carry traces of the fallout from Chernobyl. Really?

Speaker 114 Yeah. On this particular subject, I've got a question for you guys.

Speaker 113 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 114 Why shouldn't you buy trousers from the northern Ukraine?

Speaker 113 I don't know. Why shouldn't you buy trousers from the northern Ukraine?

Speaker 114 Chernobyl fallout.

Speaker 113 Ladies and gentlemen, that is the joke.

Speaker 113 Yeah, just so you know, just as a little inside bit of behind-the-scenes information here, Anna has consistently for the last, what, 14 podcasts said that same joke, and we've cut it out every single episode.

Speaker 113 Has refused to have it in the podcast. This is a day.
And you will not hear it in this one either, unless someone else said it.

Speaker 100 It's the best joke ever.

Speaker 115 Ambrose Parre, who was a famous doctor in the 15th century, saw a beggar in Paris who was begging him for money and who did so by, I don't actually know if we can put this out, it's so gross.

Speaker 115 We'll say it anyway. Who did so by

Speaker 115 she begged by lifting her skirts to reveal a prolapsed rectum. It was a horrid sight, he says.
It was over half a foot long, leaking past light fluid over her legs and garments.

Speaker 115 But his companion then attacked the woman and said, you're a big faker. You don't look sick enough to have a prolapse rectum.

Speaker 115 You have to be pretty confident that you're right in that situation, don't you?

Speaker 115 I know prolax rectums, and that, madame.

Speaker 115 He beat this woman to the ground, and eventually she was forced to reveal that it was actually the prolax rectum of an ox that she put inside her own. So it was actually a prolapse rectum.

Speaker 115 It was, and it was a prolax rectum. Well, I bet he felt pretty silly then, didn't he?

Speaker 115 That's not a human prolapse rectum.

Speaker 115 It was the prolapse rectum of an ox. Yeah, that she'd put up her own bono.
I think if you'd

Speaker 115 cockache.

Speaker 115 If you'd gone to the trouble of doing that, I really think you've earned your 50 cents or whatever. Definitely.

Speaker 115 But the lifting of her skirts as well.

Speaker 115 She could just have a sign saying, prolapstum, please help.

Speaker 115 Wait, so if you saw someone with a sign, you said...

Speaker 115 That's probably how she started. She's like, no one is buying this at all.

Speaker 115 Except Andy. I can show it to you.
No need.

Speaker 115 Absolutely believe you.

Speaker 115 The thing is, though,

Speaker 115 I would pay 50p not to see a pronounced director. That is a fair point.

Speaker 115 She shouldn't have done that.

Speaker 58 We should move on.

Speaker 92 When they were building the New York subway, the guys who were building it were called sand hogs because they dug through lots of sand.

Speaker 92 And I was reading a newspaper report from 1916 and it was about this guy called Marshall Maby who was working in the tunnel to like dig the subway and there was a pocket of compressed air which suddenly kind of escaped so he's like got this big shield up in the tunnel in front of him and they're using this shield to like push forward and make the tunnel bigger and he said he saw an 18 inch pocket of air suddenly appear and it sucked him towards it.

Speaker 48 Whoa.

Speaker 26 He was sucked into it.

Speaker 92 He was blasted up through the ground.

Speaker 32 So he was blasted up through 12 feet of riverbed and then blasted up through the river itself and then hurled up 25 feet in the air above the river.

Speaker 7 He wasn't grinding through earth, 12 feet of earth, was he?

Speaker 19 Yeah, that's what riverbeds are made of.

Speaker 116 It's more plausible for him to be blasted through 12 feet of earth than 12 feet of concrete or steel or whatever.

Speaker 16 No, no, no, I was thinking, was it just a tunnel?

Speaker 80 Like it was a hole that he was blasted through. It just happened to be going.

Speaker 97 I don't believe it, Anna.

Speaker 60 So here we go. Let me...

Speaker 13 There's a whole interview with him and everything.

Speaker 60 There's a a nice interview with his wife saying it's okay he's fine. He's looking forward to going back to work.
This is what the New York Times said at the time.

Speaker 78 There's a pocket of compressed air to prevent the river's bottom from caving in.

Speaker 18 So they have some I don't know how that works

Speaker 42 but somehow

Speaker 117 it happened guys and this compressed air got loose and he saw an 18 inch hole and before he knew it he was being sucked towards it.

Speaker 55 Two of his colleagues actually also got sucked in and they did perish and he survived by blasting up, putting his arm out in front of him, and blasting up through the river.

Speaker 12 12 feet of riverbed

Speaker 26 and then got shot through and then out in the air.

Speaker 2 Then there's enough force left over, shot through the river itself, and then, yeah, 25 feet in the air.

Speaker 71 25 feet.

Speaker 2 The New York Times is a very reputable.

Speaker 22 What year is it?

Speaker 24 Yeah, and what date was this?

Speaker 27 February 1916, all right?

Speaker 90 Not April.

Speaker 44 Yeah, it was a little bit insane.

Speaker 26 But there you go. There's a picture of the guy.

Speaker 44 Pictures don't lie.

Speaker 71 What, mid-flight or mid-flight?

Speaker 80 That's extraordinary.

Speaker 17 Did you say that was in New York?

Speaker 55 Yeah.

Speaker 68 It was soft ground, so that's why they were called soft ground.

Speaker 23 Oh, well, if it was soft ground, I see.

Speaker 12 Yeah, it was still a river bed. 25 feet after 12 beds of...

Speaker 18 And a river.

Speaker 20 And a river.

Speaker 71 I don't know how it possibly happened.

Speaker 81 So there was a woman in South Korea recently who was eating squid.

Speaker 92 So we all eat squid.

Speaker 99 We call it calamari for reasons I don't understand.

Speaker 101 But she was eating some boiled squid in a restaurant and she suddenly felt a pain in her tongue.

Speaker 99 And it turned out the squid wasn't quite dead and it was a male squid and it had deposited its sperm packet into her tongue.

Speaker 104 So she felt a horrible pain in her tongue and then felt lots of stuff crawling around inside her tongue and had to go to hospital and they took out a whole bunch of sperm.

Speaker 104 And apparently, this does happen a bit.

Speaker 119 Like, there's been reports in Japan of it happening.

Speaker 87 That's so fucked up.

Speaker 87 I will never fucking eat that shit again.

Speaker 7 Oh, my God.

Speaker 87 Fucking hell.

Speaker 87 Fuck.

Speaker 105 Vegetarianism, here you come.

Speaker 9 I don't think we've mentioned this before.

Speaker 106 This year, KFC have released a novel for the first time.

Speaker 21 What?

Speaker 23 It's a novel starring the Colonel.

Speaker 106 And it's a Mills and Boone style romance, and it's called tender wings of desire

Speaker 68 he is a sexy man

Speaker 19 well we ascertained before we started recording this podcast that you quite fancy richard nixon oh yeah so you're talking how did we miss that when we got to that we didn't ascertain that that's warping of the truth oh i'm sorry i find him not unattractive given that there was an interview well for randy that's pretty much someone saying you're attractive that's the best i can hope for these days

Speaker 2 i'm not physically repulsed by him great date

Speaker 81 um he said in an interview that something like, I know how I look, I'm under no illusions about my appearance, so I'll have to be good in other ways.

Speaker 38 And I read that interview and I thought, well, he's good in other ways, isn't he?

Speaker 19 Lots of ways.

Speaker 24 Richard Nixon is a very good man.

Speaker 13 What would you say?

Speaker 116 What are your top five ways in which he's a great guy, Hannah?

Speaker 121 When British author William Hazlitt died, his landlady was so keen to re-let his room that she hid his body under the bed while she showed new tenants around.

Speaker 108 And he's still there under that bed, isn't he?

Speaker 112 He's still there.

Speaker 122 But he was a big deal, and people used to go just to the Hazlitt Hotel just because that's where he lived.

Speaker 122 Seamus Heaney used to go there, obsessed with him, and they would have meetups there just to be able to be in the sort of presence of the location of this great person who everyone seems to have forgotten, except it turns out, you and it was.

Speaker 41 I mean, he's a family.

Speaker 37 People know who William Hazlett is, but I did happen to take a book of his essays on my gap here, which I know is, I just told these guys backstage.

Speaker 87 I know

Speaker 37 one of those guys was going to mention it, so I'm going to get in there.

Speaker 110 Which drug were you taking when you were reading it?

Speaker 37 The essays themselves were my drugs, James.

Speaker 108 What am I on?

Speaker 6 I'm on chapter three.

Speaker 86 I mean, they didn't come in chapters, but whatever.

Speaker 24 You know, in shopping centers where the fish eat your death skin.

Speaker 6 I've had that once, and all I could think while I was having it was reincarnation and just looking at the going, what the fuck did you do in your last life that you have come back to eat my feet?

Speaker 126 I had it once, and I think I've told you guys this, but I had it once in Cambodia, and they had to ask me to take my feet out of the pond, because you put your feet in with like five other people, and my feet are so disgusting that they were all coming to my feet, and

Speaker 97 no one else was getting their money's worth.

Speaker 97 It's a real, real, actually, low point,

Speaker 72 pride-wise.

Speaker 6 Okay, it's time for fact number two about Anna Toshinsky, and that is Andy.

Speaker 46 Well, my fact is a crowdsourced fact.

Speaker 24 Yeah.

Speaker 46 So, as you know, there's a Discord. And if you don't know Discord, it's a website where you chat about stuff.

Speaker 47 Is that what it is?

Speaker 73 Why did you bother explaining if you have no idea?

Speaker 14 It's a forum. It's a forum to chat.

Speaker 46 There is a fish Discord, the Fish Cord.

Speaker 46 And as part of Anna's commemoration episode.

Speaker 60 Morning episode, I think.

Speaker 7 Morning sickness.

Speaker 21 Dan, I think you...

Speaker 46 Dan, you asked

Speaker 46 for some of Anna's best bits. Yeah.
And asked what the listeners, you know, Fish fans,

Speaker 46 wanted to hear again.

Speaker 46 I mean, various bits. A compilation of Anna saying her own surname correctly.

Speaker 24 When do you say your own surname?

Speaker 22 Yeah.

Speaker 70 I don't know if you can make a compilation out of that.

Speaker 6 You can certainly make a compilation of the evolution of my pronunciation of your surname.

Speaker 20 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 76 A lot of people got quite sad when you evolved from pronouncing it, well, as some people said wrongly, Trasinski, to Toshinsky.

Speaker 24 Well, yeah, and I always say that it was a bit of a...

Speaker 6 It was a bit unfair on me because you were right here to tell me I was saying it wrong for about six years and no one did. No one did.
Your dad didn't. Your mum didn't.

Speaker 6 Anytime any of your family came to our show, no one would say, by the way, do you think you might be able to pronounce the surname correctly?

Speaker 25 No one said anything.

Speaker 6 And yours was a surname that I specifically, if I would say, like, next fact is James, next fact is Andy, I would say, next fact Chaczynski.

Speaker 25 I would always say your surname.

Speaker 6 So it was always coming up.

Speaker 24 But I think, do you remember Dermot O'Leary really liked it? Because then he had the Schreiber and Czaczynski cops, maybe, who are trying to find the president Zana.

Speaker 14 New York cops.

Speaker 11 Yeah.

Speaker 88 We got to get to the bottom of this big laundry bill, Czechinsky.

Speaker 89 Oh!

Speaker 7 Nice, yeah.

Speaker 6 What's your pronunciation?

Speaker 60 I say Tashinski, but you can also say Tzinski, or a lot of people do say Czezinski, and it's weird that people assume that's the way you could say it.

Speaker 38 It's quite different starting with a chuck.

Speaker 20 Yeah.

Speaker 46 You don't call it a pterodactyl, do you?

Speaker 48 I don't know.

Speaker 126 Or a charmigan.

Speaker 68 But I should say for actual Polish listeners that it's Tazinski.

Speaker 65 So you're supposed to say the P.

Speaker 2 So I don't pronounce it right either.

Speaker 82 There we go. And I sort of should also be Tazinska, because I'm a girl.

Speaker 19 Oh, no way. Wow.

Speaker 90 So why?

Speaker 19 Oh, yeah, I am.

Speaker 49 What?

Speaker 46 I don't remember this suggestion for a clip to play.

Speaker 46 Episode 342, no such thing as a presidential fight club. Anna refers to a child as a wimp because he had asthma.

Speaker 24 And that child, ladies and gentlemen, grew up to be podcaster Andrew Hutzeman.

Speaker 33 There's probably some context.

Speaker 92 I haven't seen the reports of that myself, and

Speaker 38 I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation, but I'm going to refer it to a committee being willing to investigate.

Speaker 46 And you'll end up being suspended for nine months.

Speaker 9 It's

Speaker 19 a perfect crime.

Speaker 17 It's so funny what people remember.

Speaker 6 Like, one person wrote, I can't remember which episode.

Speaker 11 So this is them.

Speaker 6 Like, they've literally banked this in their head. I can't remember which episode.

Speaker 16 But Anna calling Mutunnus Tutanus Muti Tuti

Speaker 8 lives red-free in my brain.

Speaker 40 Mooty-tutut.

Speaker 87 Muti-tututi.

Speaker 46 I don't remember this bit at all, and neither does the person who said it. I don't remember the episode, but it was about some female animal drinking semen, and Anna was like, Yeah, relatable.

Speaker 46 Sometimes the tap is just too far away.

Speaker 59 Don't recall that

Speaker 19 just a few times at uni and terrible hangovers.

Speaker 26 There's a cup by the bed.

Speaker 77 What are you going to do?

Speaker 2 Fill me up, love, before you go,

Speaker 2 but then do go.

Speaker 5 oh my word yeah you i mean you've had a lot of uh you've had a lot of feedback about your kind of quite dirty-ish uh potty mouth i would say i feel like i'm the least potty i think people just notice it more when you do it yeah yeah i think that's it's everyday sexism well there's a bit of actually there's a bit of a debate even on the discord about uh you anna so

Speaker 46 one person says if you go back and listen to the first year's episodes anna's so restrained and polite in comparison and then she gets comfortable and the sarcasm starts to flow okay now someone has replied to that saying i'm on episode 39 she has never been polite

Speaker 24 i think there is one episode i remember editing it where you're polite for about two-thirds of the episode and then for the final third of the episode you just go completely off the rails really and it was the episode when you drank a pint of champagne before the show no well that was an early one one of our first live shows i think it might have been our actual first live show or maybe our second it was it was a christmas one and it was an aces and ace is an ace in north london That's right.

Speaker 24 And you can really you can pinpoint the exact second that the champagne hit.

Speaker 60 What's confusing is that I'm sure Dan and I drunk pints of champagne for that and I also am sure that Dan is more of a lightweight than I am.

Speaker 24 But the difference is that Dan is never coherent.

Speaker 27 You can't tell. Yes.

Speaker 43 Exactly.

Speaker 112 I'm bulletproof.

Speaker 9 I'm drunk now.

Speaker 6 No one's noticed.

Speaker 16 Episode 261.

Speaker 6 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 46 Dan's talking about Scott of the Antarctic taking two gramophones with him. Anna, he was a fucking idiot, wasn't he?

Speaker 48 You've got to stand by that.

Speaker 76 It's not surprising he died.

Speaker 60 You know, didn't take two gramophones.

Speaker 76 Amundsen.

Speaker 19 Amundsen. Yeah.

Speaker 51 Who actually, I don't, I hate saying that name so much.

Speaker 18 I can never say it. I know.
Amundsen.

Speaker 2 Amundsen.

Speaker 42 Yeah.

Speaker 19 Amundsen. Amundsen.

Speaker 36 I don't know why I see it coming up in my head.

Speaker 18 Is this how you feel, Dan, with all words?

Speaker 13 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 19 I do.

Speaker 6 I see them coming up on the page, and you've got to make a decision.

Speaker 6 You're either going to try and pronounce it correctly, get it wrong, or and chicken out and get it wrong just for that, or you just got to run through it.

Speaker 24 You just got to, you've got to. It reminds me, and I know this is a podcast about Anna,

Speaker 24 but it does remind me of the first audiobook that we did,

Speaker 24 which was just after you'd had your first baby and were very short on sleep. And Dan kept pronouncing the word January, February.

Speaker 14 Like six times. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 24 We were were like, Dan, Dan, you said February.

Speaker 17 Can you just do it again?

Speaker 12 Okay, here we go.

Speaker 19 February.

Speaker 24 It was remarkable.

Speaker 14 It was really so good.

Speaker 53 And we had to change the whole ask at the end, didn't we?

Speaker 98 To something that happened in February.

Speaker 24 I used to love those books because they were the books of the year.

Speaker 24 And

Speaker 24 it was like things that had happened between January and December that year. Obviously, the book came out in November, so it was usually January to September.

Speaker 17 September, yeah. October.

Speaker 24 But Andy used to always come in with things that had happened the previous year. And Anna would be like, no, this was last year.
And he's like, yeah, but it was late 20.

Speaker 27 Come on, it was December.

Speaker 46 My reasoning here is that you're doing one of these books a year.

Speaker 67 Yeah.

Speaker 46 Each book has to have a 12-month catchment area.

Speaker 20 Yep.

Speaker 46 It's the book of not the calendar year.

Speaker 71 Not the calendar year, but the

Speaker 8 like the school year or the

Speaker 18 financial year.

Speaker 40 That's right.

Speaker 19 The school year.

Speaker 54 Start in September.

Speaker 45 Everyone understands. Otherwise you're knocking out a third of your own material.

Speaker 48 Why didn't we name it the book of the school year, actually?

Speaker 19 Book of the financial year would have really set those sales rocketing.

Speaker 20 Have we got one last one Andy or?

Speaker 47 Anna is among the 10% of people who can lick their own nose.

Speaker 18 What? Oh.

Speaker 40 She's doing it.

Speaker 6 She's doing it. We did a fact about Buddha and how Buddha could stick his tongue through into his ear.

Speaker 15 That was it.

Speaker 20 Yeah.

Speaker 9 And then

Speaker 6 you showed us that.

Speaker 19 Yeah.

Speaker 93 And had lots of other stuff that I don't have though.

Speaker 76 Weird body part anomalies.

Speaker 48 I also actually have a lot, but they're less sort of magical than Buddha's.

Speaker 42 And more, like, get medical help.

Speaker 7 That's good, though, touching your nose.

Speaker 18 I can't do that. Your tongue barely gets out of your mouth.

Speaker 20 I think I'm tongue-tied.

Speaker 48 Oh, really?

Speaker 48 And that's why you're so bad at breastfeeding, isn't it?

Speaker 71 Yeah.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 6 But I'm still trying.

Speaker 21 Yeah.

Speaker 13 Good on you.

Speaker 22 Thank you.

Speaker 19 We'll get you there.

Speaker 71 Oh.

Speaker 46 That's a

Speaker 46 bristly experience, Dan.

Speaker 12 You're very bearded.

Speaker 40 That's a rough.

Speaker 9 Yeah, it's not good for the

Speaker 22 breast rush happening,

Speaker 6 the nipple's almost gone altogether.

Speaker 117 Just a flat

Speaker 20 potato.

Speaker 71 Flat potato.

Speaker 59 Can we get some more

Speaker 54 of Anna, please?

Speaker 5 Classic Jasinski.

Speaker 73 Okay, well,

Speaker 24 I'll have a look on the archives. Let's see if we can find some of the things that you've mentioned in the next little Anna compilation.

Speaker 115 My fact is that the way to recognize the Buddha is to look out for his webbed feet, a tongue that can reach his ears, and withdrawn genitalia. That's a good excuse on a date.

Speaker 115 No, no, no, it's not small. I'm just, I'm the Buddha.
I'm the reincarnated Buddha. Oh, yeah, then show me your tongue because I can get on board with this.

Speaker 127 I read that female beetles they quench their thirst through sex and it's because of the semen and the and the fluids in the semen because they get very dehydrated and so when they have sex it's actually just like having a drink for them.

Speaker 115 That's the reason we all do it.

Speaker 115 Sometimes the tap is too far away.

Speaker 6 A few people who were farmers who were involved in castrating lambs when they were born

Speaker 25 got very ill very quickly and there was 12 people who got ill.

Speaker 6 But they worked out that two of them got ill because they were castrating with an old method that still goes on these days,

Speaker 6 not completely, but in the 1800s all the time.

Speaker 6 They castrate using their teeth. So these are, yeah, these are humans who go...
And two of these guys were castrating these lambs with their teeth and they got very ill.

Speaker 128 One of my best friends has done that in Australia.

Speaker 20 In Western Australia. Yep.
Did they get ill?

Speaker 126 Well, he's pretty insane, but he's not sick.

Speaker 72 I think he is sick.

Speaker 58 And they go by on a conveyor belt, right?

Speaker 92 And you lie underneath them and you just whip them off one by one.

Speaker 59 What?

Speaker 20 Where you come up like jaws? Like you just can't

Speaker 8 bite off their balls.

Speaker 14 Is your friend Australian?

Speaker 93 He lived in Australia for a year.

Speaker 11 Well, he was British.

Speaker 24 Yeah. Feels like they kind of saw him come in, didn't they?

Speaker 73 Yeah, we all do this, mate.

Speaker 60 This This guy looks like he'll bite the balls off anything.

Speaker 84 I just don't get wrestling.

Speaker 26 It doesn't make any sense to me.

Speaker 60 We've covered it before on this podcast, and I find it impossible to research because everything you read about it, you're like, is this real?

Speaker 41 Did this really happen?

Speaker 33 The confusion of real sport and fake acting is bewildering.

Speaker 70 Like, there's this fight between him and Hulk Hogan, which was this really famous fight. And apparently, it was super controversial.

Speaker 57 It was in 1988.

Speaker 103 and there was

Speaker 60 a referee, a famous referee called Dave Hebner, who refereed wrestling matches.

Speaker 98 And he happened to have an identical twin.

Speaker 60 Oh, yes. Who they tracked down for this match.
Referee.

Speaker 93 And yeah, the referee had an identical twin.

Speaker 18 He didn't really, I think.

Speaker 13 No, he did.

Speaker 60 He did, really.

Speaker 86 I've seen the actual pictures.

Speaker 26 Either he did, or there's some amazing photoshopping going on.

Speaker 93 But he had this identical twin.

Speaker 92 And so, right, Andre the Giant's agent got Dave, who was supposed to referee the match, locked him in a cupboard, and then bribed Earl, his identical twin, to referee the game instead.

Speaker 70 And he did, and then he made Andre the Giant one, and then Dave broke out of his closet, and then him and his identical twin brother had a big fight afterwards in front of the crowd.

Speaker 5 This is the weirdest conversation.

Speaker 110 I really want to hear Anna do the coventry of WWF.

Speaker 43 I don't understand any of this. Is that real? Oh my god.

Speaker 112 There's storylines.

Speaker 5 There's storylines.

Speaker 43 You go to the theatre all the time.

Speaker 73 Are you standing up going, what the fuck is going on here?

Speaker 52 No, no, no, no, because in the write-ups of the theatre, it doesn't say, and there was an incredibly controversial moment when Hamlet's mother remarried Hamlet's uncle, and the audience can, you're like, oh, okay, this is a story.

Speaker 2 Whereas in the Wikipedia page, this is not a story.

Speaker 59 Was it controversial?

Speaker 44 Or was it all made up?

Speaker 72 Is it difficult?

Speaker 19 It's all made up.

Speaker 43 It's all made up.

Speaker 2 Then why is it controversial?

Speaker 30 It's controversial in the world of wrestling.

Speaker 48 Which is a fake world.

Speaker 20 Yeah. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 18 Now you're getting it?

Speaker 88 No, it is weird how it's presented as true. You know, normally in plays there is a synopsis.

Speaker 9 Normally when you go out of the play, the thing doesn't keep happening out of the way.

Speaker 18 No, but...

Speaker 24 I just think it's amazing that we found the edge of Anna's comfort zone.

Speaker 69 I never thought we'd get there.

Speaker 18 Who would know it was pro wrestling is fake?

Speaker 115 The Town Croatia Championships. I just think this is so amazing that these kind of things have the budget for this.
I've been there once. What?

Speaker 115 Did not place.

Speaker 115 What? Do you know where they were held, the last ones? The one I went to was in either Lancashire or Yorkshire, I can't remember. Cool, the last one was in Bermuda, so I feel like.

Speaker 115 Do you ever get the feeling you chose the wrong year?

Speaker 115 I mean, who is paying for Town Croix?

Speaker 115 Anyway, this year, it's the first time a Brit has won the Town Cross Championships. This is very exciting.
Mark Wiley beat off 24 other protesters.

Speaker 115 And they were like, oh, yay!

Speaker 115 It's one of the requirements these days.

Speaker 115 He actually said... For legal reasons, we have to correct that.

Speaker 104 Sorry, he

Speaker 115 so this guy

Speaker 115 won over and above 24 other contestants.

Speaker 115 What he won was an awful lot of rum, he said,

Speaker 115 which I needed for medicinal purposes, he explained, which is understandable after the trauma he'd undergone.

Speaker 6 Okay, it's time for fact number three, and that is my fact. My fact this week is that we're sitting here in the Covent Garden office.

Speaker 6 This is an important room to us, and it's the last time that the four of us are ever going to be in this room together doing the podcast because Anna's going off and the offices are moving.

Speaker 6 But it's also important for another reason because in 2022, Anna and I set a Guinness World record right here in this room.

Speaker 6 We became the world record holders of the longest anyone has ever played Keep the Balloon in the Air tennis game between two people.

Speaker 7 That was amazing.

Speaker 24 In history, I remember that three weeks when you were doing that. It was just because we would come in and we'd have to work around you.

Speaker 13 Record the podcast?

Speaker 5 Oh my god, it was so hard.

Speaker 24 It was tough, wasn't it?

Speaker 14 And not sleeping for that long.

Speaker 97 I mean, the amount of Red Bull that we had to

Speaker 24 power through by the third week, I just was really surprised you were still doing it.

Speaker 11 Yeah, so

Speaker 11 that was the rehearsal. When we actually did it, it was 80 minutes we last

Speaker 6 80 minutes for keeping a balloon in and do you still have that record we've been beaten oh no yep we've been beaten someone beat us by eight seconds with i would argue an unfair advantage they had a giant balloon it was like the size of a beach ball there should be a restriction on balloon size well you should have read the small print i should have read the small print yeah but um but what one thing we did manage to do is make it into a physical guinness world record book uh so there's a picture of me and anna in the guinness world records 2023 oh that's not us what what That's.

Speaker 68 Oh, there. Sorry.
I was going to get that bloke below.

Speaker 6 Who was the chicken in your mind when I was

Speaker 73 a man holding a chicken? What about?

Speaker 30 Is that Irving Finkel above you?

Speaker 20 That is Irving Finkel.

Speaker 83 And what does it say?

Speaker 24 Oldest depiction of a ghost.

Speaker 50 Oldest depiction of a ghost.

Speaker 24 You're really on the best page here, right?

Speaker 6 Well, what you'll notice as well is I'm responsible for that ghost getting the Guinness World Record.

Speaker 20 Yeah. Tell us how.

Speaker 16 I took Craig Glenday, who's the Guinness World Records editor-in-chief, to the British Museum to meet the world's oldest ghost to give it a Guinness World Records.

Speaker 24 I wonder if you're you're the only person in that book, Dan, who's got two world records.

Speaker 17 That's possible.

Speaker 51 The same world record as Irving Finkel.

Speaker 77 You didn't find the oldest ghost record.

Speaker 60 No, no, no.

Speaker 5 You found the guy with the oldest record.

Speaker 6 I just, you know.

Speaker 25 I'm sorry, Dan.

Speaker 79 Can I just check this book? Can I just have a quick look at it?

Speaker 6 So, this is this is Guinness World Records 2023.

Speaker 67 Yeah.

Speaker 47 And it's about an event that happened in 2022.

Speaker 18 Yeah.

Speaker 22 Oh.

Speaker 8 And this is maybe the most successful book in history.

Speaker 19 Oh,

Speaker 18 okay.

Speaker 73 Maybe it's all right sometimes.

Speaker 47 Yeah, but so we did that.

Speaker 25 We did that here in this room.

Speaker 73 This ghost was depicted two and a half thousand years ago.

Speaker 62 Yes, yes, the world's oldest ghost is not going to have appeared in 2023.

Speaker 43 But yeah, it's

Speaker 25 and Anna, that's for you because I know you don't have a copy.

Speaker 29 So I want you to have.

Speaker 30 Because obviously you don't have a copy.

Speaker 80 You're not interested in this kind of stuff.

Speaker 14 So yeah, so that we're forcing a copy onto you.

Speaker 32 I mean, we did, we cheated, didn't we?

Speaker 40 We didn't cheat. We didn't cheat.

Speaker 19 Oh, what are you talking about? We didn't cheat.

Speaker 26 Well, we're friends friends with Craig, who's fantastic, who organises all the Guinness stuff.

Speaker 64 And he gave us a tip-off that no one's tried to break this category, but it is a category.

Speaker 38 So as long as you get over an hour.

Speaker 51 So actually, we went for 20 minutes more than we needed to, which showed a lot of commitment because it was pub time by then.

Speaker 14 That's right, yeah.

Speaker 19 And Anna drank the whole way through.

Speaker 6 This big glass of wine in her hand. I think I had a beer, but it was, I can't quite remember now.
It was daunting.

Speaker 7 It was very scary. It was very scary keeping a balloon in the air, wasn't it?

Speaker 6 Do you remember the like the amplifier?

Speaker 12 what is riding on it, really?

Speaker 24 I mean, if you there was a bomb inside, and you thought if it touches the ground, you literally could have just tried again the next day, not the next hour.

Speaker 65 Do you know how tedious it is saying that we're just down shreiber for almost two hours?

Speaker 24 The record should have been the person who spent the most time with Dan Schreiber.

Speaker 6 Even the ghost pissed off after 20 minutes.

Speaker 6 I'll tell you what, there's been a lot of adventures where Anna has been the kind of

Speaker 6 the butt of the story, I would say, to an an extent.

Speaker 6 Like little adventures.

Speaker 43 And we will be missing the ass.

Speaker 19 What are you talking about?

Speaker 89 I just,

Speaker 6 I get a bit upset because I wasn't there for some of my favourite ones, and James was. James, you two have had quite a few adventures.

Speaker 6 Well, there was the time that Anna flipped over her bike by canal, knocked her teeth out, and you had to rescue her outside a pub.

Speaker 24 I wouldn't say I rescued her.

Speaker 14 I took her to the hospital.

Speaker 37 Yeah, that was very nice of you because I didn't have a phone on me or anything.

Speaker 60 And so I had to wait for a passerby to come.

Speaker 69 Who do you think knock you off the body?

Speaker 29 But then also.

Speaker 15 Well, can I just say on that?

Speaker 24 Because it was quite funny because we're in AE

Speaker 24 and we were just sat there waiting for you to be seen. And you'd just come back from Ireland.

Speaker 18 You've been on holiday in Ireland.

Speaker 59 I remembered, yeah.

Speaker 24 And you were telling me a story about what had happened. And for some reason, you'd upset someone who ran a shop.

Speaker 22 Oh, my God.

Speaker 24 And you upset this woman so much that she started shouting at you, saying, Who the hell do you think you are?

Speaker 18 Yeah. Right.

Speaker 24 And when you told me the story, you said it in a really thick Irish accent.

Speaker 93 I could do it now.

Speaker 19 Well, let's hold that.

Speaker 24 But you said it just as the doctor was coming from behind you to say, Anna Toshinsky, where are you?

Speaker 24 And so all he saw was me and you, you with your face covered in blood, and you yelling at me, who the hell do you think you are?

Speaker 53 And we just look like some kind of domestic abuse cop.

Speaker 34 Oh, God.

Speaker 57 Yes, we're working on our issues.

Speaker 35 Just fix my jaw.

Speaker 52 Let's get out of here.

Speaker 6 He would have heard then you go to an English accent and think, okay, she's seriously wobbly, something's happening.

Speaker 19 We need to keep her in.

Speaker 24 She's got to have foreign accents in the drink.

Speaker 40 Exactly.

Speaker 54 Who's the president?

Speaker 45 Or the T-Sock, you know.

Speaker 6 But the best story, and I don't know if you're going to say it, I just want to tee it up and say, I hope you'll say it.

Speaker 6 And it was the regret of my life I wasn't there for it, is when James and Anna went to a university in order to tell

Speaker 6 students Canterbury, and you stayed the night in a hotel, and Anna got a bit drunk.

Speaker 24 I don't think I should tell the story.

Speaker 35 I don't know.

Speaker 58 I'll tell you what I remember of it, which is that James and I went and,

Speaker 32 yeah, Alan Davies was doing a show at Canterbury.

Speaker 24 I think he just got like an honorary degree or something, yes, he had.

Speaker 70 So he was being interviewed, and it was great.

Speaker 81 And so we went for some moral support. Me, James, Alan, and

Speaker 22 John Lloyd.

Speaker 11 Alan went to support himself.

Speaker 9 Do you know what I'm going to come along for moral support?

Speaker 81 Afterwards, we had quite a lot to drink in some hotel bar, and we were staying in this place that was actually next to the cathedral, which was awesome.

Speaker 17 It was almost like part of the cathedral, wasn't it?

Speaker 48 It was kind of appended to it.

Speaker 24 It was certainly a place where I wouldn't do anything

Speaker 27 that God might judge adversely.

Speaker 53 So, great night.

Speaker 56 I guess at about three o'clock, we sort of went to, retired to bed, and I have this thing.

Speaker 71 In the morning,

Speaker 18 Bloody hell. I didn't know that.

Speaker 45 I thought this all happened around 11 p.m., 11:30.

Speaker 71 3.

Speaker 60 So, Andy's always stopped at that bit of the story, just drawing,

Speaker 19 can't hear anything else. Okay, go on, go on.

Speaker 58 So, I really love looking around places and sneaking into places that maybe I'm not supposed to be in, and like disuse rooms and buildings, and sometimes used buildings, whatever.

Speaker 85 And so, I wasn't really tired, and I thought I'd go for a wander.

Speaker 38 So, I remember first of all pushing open a lot of doors in my hotel corridor to see what opened.

Speaker 38 Managing to get into a sort of weird garden out of a fire escape and then climbing over a fence into the cathedral

Speaker 38 kind of air where the cathedral.

Speaker 58 And then wandering around there.

Speaker 26 And then what happens often with me is you're drunk and you're in this place you're not allowed to be in and you're like, well, I guess I'll go back now.

Speaker 92 So climbed back over the fence, went back upstairs and I pushed another door in the hotel and ended up in this lecture theatre where I fannied around for a bit, looked in all the cupboards, try and

Speaker 55 see what I could see really.

Speaker 24 You found a lot of candy, didn't you?

Speaker 2 I found a lot of sweets.

Speaker 60 I found a massive bag of different coloured sweets.

Speaker 32 And I thought what would be so amusing would be if I took these all back to my room and I just took all the green ones out

Speaker 74 and then I just put it back in the room and that's gonna freak the shit out of whoever comes

Speaker 36 to get the sweets next time.

Speaker 27 And also green's my favourite colour of sweet.

Speaker 60 So, I spent about half an hour in my room because it was a huge bag taking out all the green sweets.

Speaker 53 And then I went to put the bag of sweets back because I don't want to just steal people's sweets,

Speaker 53 and then as I was leaving the room, having replaced the bag of sweets, I just saw this massive whiteboard at the front of the room.

Speaker 2 And so, I thought, okay, I'll just grab a marker pen.

Speaker 56 I grabbed a marker pen and I wrote in big letters, Yippee Kai, motherfuckers,

Speaker 60 in capitals on this whiteboard and then that was actually ideal timing because I heard someone coming down the corridor and do a bit of a oi and what are you doing?

Speaker 92 And so then I legged it and it was a member of staff. So I legged it back to my room as he sort of chased me.

Speaker 24 So then you went to bed, right?

Speaker 15 I've been asleep this whole time.

Speaker 24 I woke up the next morning to check out and you were like a naughty schoolgirl sat in the corner of the reception being bollocked by someone.

Speaker 60 Yeah, um, it transpired, it was actually very unlucky because it hadn't been a whiteboard, it had been a built-in white screen that was part of the wall.

Speaker 60 I'd written on it in indelible, unremovable ink, in large letters, Yippika, motherfuckers.

Speaker 28 A die-hard quote.

Speaker 38 I do remember that from the night before when I was chased by the security guard, I was going, it's a quote from Die Hard

Speaker 74 to excuse it. Like, I'm not saying Yippika motherfuckers, it's a quote.

Speaker 36 It's a quote.

Speaker 24 Anyway, the push comes to shove. The next morning at 9 a.m., there was a church group who had booked that room in the morning.

Speaker 41 That did seem to be the truth of the matter.

Speaker 19 They walked in.

Speaker 19 Someone desperately scrubbing off.

Speaker 34 They couldn't scrub it off.

Speaker 71 They had to cover it up.

Speaker 27 They had to cover it up with a curtain.

Speaker 60 And I was charged a small amount of money for the repairs to the room.

Speaker 45 Less, in fact, probably than your one small bag of laundry in New York was.

Speaker 45 Pretty good going.

Speaker 24 It was the funniest thing that I've ever experienced.

Speaker 24 Being on the train coming back and you having to ring up our boss to tell them because I think it had come off the company credit cards or something. So you knew that they were going to find out.

Speaker 68 No, they'd told our accountant at work.

Speaker 92 So actually, the first thing I knew was, just empathise for a minute with me, please.

Speaker 57 I'd gone to bed incredibly drunk about four in the morning.

Speaker 60 My phone rang at 8 a.m.

Speaker 64 and I saw it was Liz, our lovely accountant.

Speaker 57 And imagine the heart sinking when I saw Liz's name come up.

Speaker 59 I thought, I know what's that all about.

Speaker 76 I've been rumbled.

Speaker 55 And yeah, I picked up and the hotel had indeed called her.

Speaker 74 Yeah. It was tough.
I thought I was going to be fired, actually.

Speaker 2 We laugh now, guys.

Speaker 57 This could have been the end of the podcast.

Speaker 24 Because I remember pretty much all the way from, like, let's say, well, for about half an hour on the train back, you were like, I'm going to get fired. What are we going to do? Yeah.

Speaker 24 There'll be no more podcasts because I won't be able to do this anymore.

Speaker 15 Yeah.

Speaker 48 Yeah.

Speaker 126 I'm probably going to prison.

Speaker 13 I'm to hell.

Speaker 53 Let's not forget the cathedral's right next door.

Speaker 18 Yeah. It's the greatest story ever told.

Speaker 56 Anyway, good luck getting those stories out of these so-called guests you're having on right now.

Speaker 109 Is Sarah Pasco gonna do that?

Speaker 84 Yeah, she probably would. She would have been up for it.

Speaker 6 Oh, well, let's have, why don't we do one more batch of best of Anna and just hear a bit more from the greatest hits from the last nine years, Anna Tushinski.

Speaker 130 Five years ago, I was paying $65 a month for my subscriptions. Today, those same subscriptions cost $111 and I don't even use half of them anymore.

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Speaker 86 I was having a look at the Reverend Richard Coles' autobiography, autobiography, and

Speaker 94 he was saying, it was just a throwaway line that I then looked into.

Speaker 126 He was saying that a lot of vicars have funny names, and he was saying he knew someone who insisted on everyone, even bishops, calling them the Reverend Gaz.

Speaker 126 And so then I thought, I wonder what funny names there have been in the church over the years.

Speaker 28 There's this blog, the blog of St.

Speaker 75 Chrysostom's Church in Manchester, and it's really good.

Speaker 126 You know, when people put proper effort into quite an obscure thing, and there's a piece on funny names of church leaders throughout history, and there are some such good ones.

Speaker 126 So, I like this anecdote, which is Henry Joy Fiennes Clinton, who was a rector in the early 20th century, who went to see the Bishop of London.

Speaker 92 And the Bishop said, Take a chair, Clinton, to which he replied, It's Fiennes Clinton.

Speaker 86 And the Bishop said, In that case, take two.

Speaker 90 And so it's just, I thought that was funny from a bishop.

Speaker 66 But okay, come on.

Speaker 72 It's so bar.

Speaker 97 It's bishop humour. It's bishop humour, yeah.

Speaker 128 Okay, we won't get him on the podcast.

Speaker 118 I was just, this was his audition tape. Anna thought.

Speaker 25 Oh, no, come on, give us more zingers. All right.

Speaker 35 Okay.

Speaker 128 Okay, what about this?

Speaker 126 The very Reverend Gonville Obie French Betag, but French is spelt with a small F and two of them.

Speaker 79 Is that important for the anecdote?

Speaker 20 Oh.

Speaker 22 That's it.

Speaker 66 There's no anecdote.

Speaker 72 It's just the The word French translated differently.

Speaker 79 No, Anna, we want you to tell us every single one you found.

Speaker 128 This is literally all I've got now.

Speaker 128 Listen, not very music names. Okay, Father John, Brabazon, Brabazon, Louther.

Speaker 118 Come on.

Speaker 128 It's two Brabesons.

Speaker 62 Brabazon, Brabazon?

Speaker 79 Oh my god, I'm just picturing Jimmy Carr at the Hammersmith Apollo.

Speaker 79 The next act is a fucking killer act. She's got some amazing anecdotes.

Speaker 118 Anna Tashinsky, everybody.

Speaker 20 Woo!

Speaker 128 We've got Father Paige Turner.

Speaker 52 We've got Father Pickles.

Speaker 128 Paige Turner. Open with Paige Turner.

Speaker 97 That's great. Father Pickles is funny as well.

Speaker 79 I'll reorder the set.

Speaker 86 Father Careful.

Speaker 41 Father Christmas.

Speaker 62 Okay, there we go.

Speaker 128 So that's the one I should stick with.

Speaker 53 Father Christmas.

Speaker 72 I don't think stick with any of it.

Speaker 19 Okay.

Speaker 79 Have you guys heard of St.

Speaker 46 Andrew Undershaft?

Speaker 79 I can't believe you just said a name way funnier than Anna's 20 little stuff.

Speaker 72 Just on the stage the full day of work I've been

Speaker 43 delving into church art.

Speaker 19 I'm so sorry.

Speaker 79 This is right under your nose the whole time.

Speaker 124 On the subject of people being allergic to things, I went on to.

Speaker 123 I continued my search.

Speaker 123 And I went to Yahoo Answers because people often ask questions.

Speaker 112 The best site on the internet.

Speaker 121 This was the

Speaker 123 question.

Speaker 123 So my girlfriend is allergic to almost every animal you'd find in a petting zoo. If she inhales air that is around a horse, she can be hospitalized.

Speaker 122 Now, she loves giraffes.

Speaker 123 Does anyone think she'd be allergic to them too? I was thinking of surprising her on her birthday with a trip to the local zoo to pet a giraffe.

Speaker 123 And the reply, the top-rated reply, because that's how it works on Yahoo Answers, the most votes for reply, if she's allergic to almost every animal, I guarantee you the zoo will contain more than just her ass.

Speaker 87 Why don't you do something less stupid?

Speaker 70 So, where did you take her in the end, then?

Speaker 87 I don't know.

Speaker 92 Britain's leading female table tennis player is this woman, this girl called Tin Tin Ho.

Speaker 28 And do you guys, can you guess why she's she's called that?

Speaker 46 She's got a quiff, Tintin.

Speaker 18 That's why I was doing it.

Speaker 83 I've got a small dog called Snowy.

Speaker 32 Confusingly, it's not related to the character of Tintin Ho.

Speaker 25 Wait, she hangs out with an old fisherman called Captain Haddock.

Speaker 24 She has a pair of twins that she hangs out with called the Thompson twins.

Speaker 116 You can't just stop us making Tintin jokes, Anna, immediately. You've got to live with me.

Speaker 83 Her father is called Hergé.

Speaker 42 Right.

Speaker 26 As I have made quite clear, it's not related to Tintin.

Speaker 101 And there must be other avenues you can pursue.

Speaker 83 She's Belgian tin.

Speaker 22 Shit right, Belgian.

Speaker 55 I'm just gonna tell you, okay?

Speaker 20 No, no, no, no, no, no. I feel like we're close.

Speaker 30 She's made of tin.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 36 Hey, he's found something different.

Speaker 55 But incorrect.

Speaker 105 No, it's because her dad is obsessed with table tennis. And it actually sounds kind of weird.

Speaker 9 Sorry. Yeah,

Speaker 18 it's coming, it's coming.

Speaker 24 I was so sure you were going to say her dad is obsessed with Tintin.

Speaker 59 I wish I hadn't brought this up.

Speaker 28 He's obsessed with table tennis.

Speaker 63 And the initials of table tennis are T T.

Speaker 92 So he called her Tintin.

Speaker 105 And in fact, her brother is called Ping.

Speaker 92 And she said there was, it was between her being called Tintin and her being called Pong when she was born.

Speaker 32 And so she says that she is delighted that she didn't get belonged.

Speaker 25 You can't have two kids and call them Ping and Pong.

Speaker 18 The social services will get involved.

Speaker 22 You would think.

Speaker 71 Abba.

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 106 In 1976, they had the number one spot for 39 weeks. And after 12 weeks of it, their version of Top of the Pops just stopped showing the music video because you've seen it for 12 weeks, guys.

Speaker 14 In Australia, that was.

Speaker 106 Yes, fans absolutely rioted. And that was on the Australian version of Top of the Pops, which was called Countdown.

Speaker 23 Yeah.

Speaker 6 When you say fans rioted...

Speaker 9 Did I say rioted? Yeah.

Speaker 106 I meant were furious.

Speaker 97 One complaint was registered with the ABC.

Speaker 106 No, but genuinely, look, when they toured, one mother ran and she put her baby down on the road so that their tour care of it would stop and she could get an automobile.

Speaker 106 There was a hotel which cut up their bed sheets after they'd left and they sold it via newspaper. Oh, they do that all the time.

Speaker 88 Yeah, they did that with the Beatles as well.

Speaker 9 I've got that.

Speaker 40 It's not the baby thing, though.

Speaker 32 I just want you to know: we will not succumb to that kind of blackmail.

Speaker 75 If there's a baby in front of our tour bus, we're going straight over it.

Speaker 75 I think that's fish policy, right?

Speaker 22 Yeah.

Speaker 75 It's pretty important to get that clear from the outset.

Speaker 10 That's good.

Speaker 97 It's very controversial the way they vote in the Grammys.

Speaker 109 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 82 Because it's, well, until this year, it was super secret.

Speaker 98 It sounds quite exciting.

Speaker 70 And I think

Speaker 82 what used to happen was winners were decided by this like 12,000 strong Recording Academy bunch of voters.

Speaker 60 But then I think partly because the awards just kept going so wrong and they just kept giving it to weird people, they had to change the rules.

Speaker 57 And I think the straw that broke the camel's back came in the early 90s when

Speaker 98 Album of the Year was up and Bruce Springsteen's Born in the USA was released and Prince's Purple Reign was released and Lionel Ritchie's Can't Slow Down won and everyone said, we don't like that.

Speaker 98 That's not as good as the other two.

Speaker 26 And so they formed a secret committee which basically goes through all the 12,000 votes and takes out the duds.

Speaker 24 Because actually, you would think that having a larger group, 12,000, would be more likely to give you a democratic answer, right? Yeah.

Speaker 98 But a democratic answer isn't necessarily the best answer, James.

Speaker 19 Is that not right? Okay. That's

Speaker 62 my view.

Speaker 62 My one-way ticket to Russia has just come through.

Speaker 38 Anyway, people got quite pissed off by the secret committee because no one knew how they voted or why they voted.

Speaker 86 And there's someone called The Weakened, I think. Oh, The Weekend.

Speaker 18 The weekend.

Speaker 19 Oh, right.

Speaker 72 But it's spelled The Weakened.

Speaker 45 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 80 This show has certainly weakened over the years, hasn't it?

Speaker 84 Yeah, so it's spelled like weekend.

Speaker 32 Anyway, but without an E. So he.

Speaker 19 With two E's.

Speaker 19 But not three.

Speaker 57 Anyway, The Weekend got annoyed that he hadn't got a nomination.

Speaker 19 He could pronounce the weekend.

Speaker 97 Ladies and gentlemen, The Weekend.

Speaker 69 I just, I want a new podcast where we give Anna the name of all the badges that are in the chat and see if she can pronounce them.

Speaker 97 They've asked me to read out the nominations next year.

Speaker 72 I'm quite nervous now.

Speaker 89 Lil Nas the 10th?

Speaker 73 I didn't know there were nine other Lil Nazes.

Speaker 104 I know how to artificially inseminate a cow based on researching for this podcast.

Speaker 48 Cool.

Speaker 31 So I think 75% of dairy cows in this country,

Speaker 119 when they have to be inseminated, they get inseminated but just by semen rather than the actual bull.

Speaker 120 And for some reason, I found myself reading this really in-depth farmer's guide to how to do it.

Speaker 119 And what I didn't realize was, so you get a semen gun, which you put the semen in.

Speaker 6 Imagine you bring your semen gun to a gun fight.

Speaker 89 Oh!

Speaker 62 Damn it.

Speaker 126 You bring your semen gun to the insemination fight, but what you do is you have to.

Speaker 86 So there are two entries into a cow.

Speaker 72 So as much as you're humans.

Speaker 89 Yeah.

Speaker 89 You've got the.

Speaker 13 Oh, sorry.

Speaker 19 There are three now.

Speaker 91 Oh, sorry, there are three.

Speaker 89 We're in Devon.

Speaker 110 Somebody tells me you're not the biggest expert in this room on the number of ways into a cow.

Speaker 109 I know the people at Devon know all these secret ways, but there are two entries.

Speaker 86 There were two entries into the back of a cow, officially.

Speaker 61 And so, you know, one is the rectum,

Speaker 109 as we all have.

Speaker 19 Come on, Professor, let me write this down.

Speaker 87 Children, will you be quiet?

Speaker 109 You've got the rexum, and then you've got the sex tubes, and they're different.

Speaker 84 All right, the cervix.

Speaker 129 But what you do is amazingly, when you're inseminating a cow, you obviously have to stick the gun in the cervix.

Speaker 119 But the way you navigate the gun into

Speaker 91 the uterine horns, as they're called,

Speaker 119 is you have to put your other arm that's not holding the gun into the rectum.

Speaker 89 So, you, it's so amazing.

Speaker 109 And they say you shove your arm into the rectum, insert your arm into the rectum,

Speaker 109 get someone else to hold the cow's tail aside while you do this.

Speaker 8 That would be a bold farmer who tried using one foot

Speaker 89 to pin the cow's tail.

Speaker 5 This is the worst game of Twister I've ever played.

Speaker 89 It says left-hand sex tubes.

Speaker 89 Anyway, look,

Speaker 91 it just feels like this lesson isn't going to end.

Speaker 89 So

Speaker 125 you essentially use your rectum arm to navigate your semen gun, which is in the vaginal canal, and you push it through.

Speaker 27 So

Speaker 125 you've got your arm in the rectum, and it's pushing against the other canal so that it gets into the uterus.

Speaker 126 And it's called recto-vaginal insemination.

Speaker 128 And that's a lesson over.

Speaker 91 Enjoy.

Speaker 11 Well, there we go.

Speaker 102 There it is.

Speaker 6 Some of the best of Anna Tashinsky's best bits.

Speaker 6 I was trying to think, you know, is there some way that we could keep a bit of you here?

Speaker 7 You know, oh, God.

Speaker 7 Is there some way?

Speaker 13 We want us to...

Speaker 18 Give us the finger.

Speaker 91 Give us the finger.

Speaker 16 Just in spirit, you know, just in spirit.

Speaker 24 She's been metaphorically giving everyone the finger for the last nine years.

Speaker 6 I'll tell you what, though, I thought hard about it. I thought, how do we keep a bit of Anna here? And I worked it out.

Speaker 6 I suddenly remembered the weirdest story I have ever heard involving Anna Tashinsky.

Speaker 12 And it is this.

Speaker 6 There was a Christmas party that Anna once went to. And part of the party, they said, we're going to do a really fun thing.

Speaker 11 We're going to do a raffle. You're each going to take a ticket and you're going to get a present.

Speaker 6 So everyone bring a present so you can give it to someone. So I was talking to the friend today who I bumped into.
She gave a scarf, for example.

Speaker 9 Right.

Speaker 7 Yeah, normal things. Normal things were handed around.

Speaker 6 This person, whose name is Lenny, received her number and received her prize in the raffle.

Speaker 20 I'd never met Lenny. And this is

Speaker 12 the prize

Speaker 7 that Anna had donated.

Speaker 18 It is her teeth.

Speaker 18 Oh, my God.

Speaker 23 That fell out of her mouth.

Speaker 129 Lenny, Lenny hasn't treasured and kept the teeth.

Speaker 43 WTF.

Speaker 12 She has.

Speaker 9 They're in her home. I went to her home today to pick it up.

Speaker 6 Lenny didn't know who Anna was. She opens up her present present and there are teeth from one of the other party members there.

Speaker 6 Were these the teeth that got knocked out when James went to get you from

Speaker 84 the teeth? They got removed.

Speaker 19 So the ones that got knocked out.

Speaker 18 I thought they were in the canal.

Speaker 60 They're in the canal.

Speaker 67 We went looking for them. We did.

Speaker 32 The fully knocked out ones were in the canal and they were the ones that had to get taken out later.

Speaker 19 Bloody hell.

Speaker 25 Yeah, so Anna thought it'd be normal to give Inner Raffle Prize her teeth away.

Speaker 6 Now, Polly, who is the partner of Lenny, tried to get rid of Anna's teeth to begin with because she has a fear of teeth.

Speaker 11 She literally hates the tapping of teeth.

Speaker 12 It's the worst present that could have arrived into the house.

Speaker 80 But as a result, for the last couple of years since they've had these teeth, Lenny hides your teeth all over the house to surprise Polly.

Speaker 6 If she goes to sleep, she'll put it under her pillow.

Speaker 15 If she's opening a pencil case, the teeth will be inside the pencil case.

Speaker 45 Reverse tooth fairy.

Speaker 6 And then they almost got given away in another raffle very recently, but Lenny decided to keep them because she was having too much time.

Speaker 16 How much did you pay for those?

Speaker 24 And have you told your wife?

Speaker 23 But so now, while you're gone, you are here.

Speaker 110 There'll be a bit of Anna.

Speaker 24 What we're going to do is we're going to make Sarah Pascoe put some of those.

Speaker 24 Every time there's a guest, we're going to make them shove them into their face.

Speaker 57 It's going to make the bogo sound very weird, isn't it?

Speaker 60 But it's worth it to get a bit of me.

Speaker 57 Oh, well, I'm so honoured that my teeth have had such a life beyond me, actually.

Speaker 19 It's really exciting.

Speaker 80 It was a weird story, Dan. That's a weird story.

Speaker 46 You're responsible too, Anna.

Speaker 11 James is the only one who gets off Scott for it.

Speaker 45 No, actually, you were involved in the losing of the teeth.

Speaker 19 What?

Speaker 13 I was not.

Speaker 89 I'm the only one here who doesn't have any involvement in this mad

Speaker 19 shit teeth raffle story.

Speaker 22 You will. I won't.

Speaker 13 Until the next chapter.

Speaker 47 Anyway, let's wrap up. That is it.
That is all of our facts.

Speaker 6 Thank you so much for listening. If you want to get in contact with any of us about the weird-ass stories that we've said over the course of this podcast, we can all be found on our Twitter accounts.

Speaker 6 I'm on at Schreiberland. Andy.

Speaker 77 At Andrew Hunter hunter m james at james harkin and anna no you don't say anything you're gone yeah i mean you can email podcastacqi.com but good luck me ever seeing it yeah and andy'll see it and do a good impersonation with me when he replies right yeah that's right you'll be wearing the teeth every time you reply to an email i'll time the emails all to go out between 3 and 5 a.m and then everyone will end your pka motherfucker

Speaker 69 Yeah, we'll go to our group account at no such thing.

Speaker 131 We'll be back again next week with a really exciting guest as part of our big rotation of awesome guests starting with sarah pasco and we'll be back with that episode next week we'll see you then goodbye

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