458: No Such Thing As An Edam Tuba

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Hi, everybody.

Alex here.

Yes, Alex.

I am alive and well, and I'm here in the QI office on Christmas Eve Eve.

Dan, James, and Andy, and Anna have all gone home again.

Left me here to sort out this year's Christmas episode.

In a second, you're gonna get Dan and Anna asking you to subscribe to things and buy all their merch, but they couldn't even take the time to wish their loyal listeners a Merry Christmas because they're all complete fing freeloading, self-centered

old

bastards.

So yeah, f them.

It falls to me to gladly wish all of you out there a very Merry Christmas from everyone here at No Such Thing as a Fish.

And this means that I finally get to say, on with the podcast after these messages.

Hi everybody, just before we start this show, we have a couple of small favours to ask you.

It's that begging time of year when people put their tins out and shake them around asking for you to do things like for instance voting for their favourite podcast in the national comedy awards that's why we have been long listed as one of the best comedy podcasts we're very excited about that and we would love it if you could get us to the short list to do that you can go to qi.com slash vote you'll see all the options there you can also vote for your favorite comedians your favorite comedy shows You'll see Sandy Toxvig up there, host of QI.

You'll see QI itself.

Why not register a a vote for them?

And you'll see no such thing as a fish.

We would massively appreciate a vote.

Do it now.

QI.com/slash vote.

That's right.

And there's stiff competition on there.

So we really need the fish army to come together and give us these votes because it would mean so much to the podcast to make it to the live National Comedy Awards.

Outside of that, what we would absolutely love is if you could just very quickly just go to the follow button on wherever you're listening to this podcast, be it Spotify or Apple iTunes, wherever it is, and just press follow.

We've discovered that so many people are listening to this show without having pressed that button, and it's extraordinary what a difference it makes in helping us to be higher in the charts, to get more exposure, to get more attention, to allow for the podcast to keep going.

So simple button press is genuinely going to be a huge deal for us if enough of you do it.

So please do.

That's our two big bits of begging.

Please vote for us in the National Comedy Awards.

Please press follow.

And that will allow us to keep going as a podcast in 2023.

Otherwise, we just have to shut shop.

That's it.

If we don't get shortlisted and you don't press follow, we're out of here.

Okay, come on, Dan.

Enough begging.

This is starting to get desperate and sad.

Look, do it as you want, dude.

Don't do it if you don't.

Don't do it.

On with the show.

On with the show after you press followed and voted for us.

Okay.

Hello,

and welcome to another episode of No Such Thing as a Fish, a weekly podcast.

This week, coming to you live from the Bloomsbury Theatre in London.

My name is Dan Schreiber.

I am sitting here with Anna Toshinsky, Andrew Hunter, Murray, and James Harkin.

And once again, we have gathered around the microphones, but not with our four favorite facts this time, because this is our Christmas special episode, and we have decided to instead use 500 favorite facts from the audience members who are here tonight, who have submitted them to us.

And at the end of the show, after reading out some of our favorites, we're going to pick two of the best.

We're going to bring the two people who said those facts onto stage and we're going to have them battle in a quiz to the death.

So

it's a very exciting episode, a special treat.

What have we got from our audience here tonight, guys?

I just want to say the facts are on my phone.

I'm not checking the football scores all the way through.

I just want to make that clear

really early.

So, shall I do a fact?

Yeah.

This is one just that I just picked up now.

Some people can grow hair on their tongues.

Oh, wow.

Like at will?

Yeah, that's what it sounds like.

Yeah, well, I mean, would that be a useful superpower to have, do you think?

A tongue hair, yeah.

Warmth.

Sometimes it gets very cold in the mouth

when you eat ice cream cream too fast.

Oh yeah, that's a good idea.

Ice cream headaches.

I only say it is because the person who wrote it is a surgeon.

And I wonder if you're in.

Are you in the person who...

Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

Who's that?

What's your name?

Malcolm.

Malcolm, you're a surgeon.

Do you operate on hairy tongues?

Are you a glorified hairdresser?

Here's a weird thing that would possibly happen, right?

If you had a very hairy tongue and you were, say, making out with someone and you did some French kissing, would it ever be the case that their hairy tongue would wrap around your tongue and then you would get stuck?

Does it ever happen that you walk next to someone and your hair wraps around them and you get stuck together?

No, no, but you know when you like put Christmas lights back in the box and then they come out next year and they're all tangled up.

Oh yeah.

And you know, sometimes, remember, I had a friend at school who had braces and he kissed someone who had braces and they got stuck in their braces.

They're still stuck, aren't they?

No, it's not a myth.

I saw it myself.

It sounds like an urban myth.

It does sound like an urban myth.

Well, I saw it.

Maybe you're the sort.

Maybe you're the sort of thing.

I shouldn't have been watching, but I saw it.

I popped out from the cupboard and went, guys, I can help.

I can help.

Should we just quickly go back to Malcolm to check whether it's part of your surgery you actually grow people hairy tongues?

Reconstruct somebody's tongue after

big operation.

Yeah, and you said in your message, so you can reconstruct people's tongues, but you said in your message that it might come from your forearm or your thigh, and so when it comes in, that's where the hair comes from.

I see.

Isn't that something like your hair, even if you take it away?

I suppose this is, and this will explain why people have hairy tongues.

Even if you take it away from a certain bit of your body, it always remembers it was there and grows in accordance with that.

So, I think there are things where, like, if you get

some hair planted onto your head, if you want to sort out your baldness, for instance,

then

I believe if like the hairs, let's say you get it taken from your pubic region or something, because that seems to be where I get it.

Yeah, that's what lots of, yeah, that's I I think that's the most common that people get isn't it?

If the hairs that were around it start to fall out then that one will also fall out.

So your hair has a thing in it that tells you how long it needs to grow right because your eyebrows are not the same length as your head hair

and your pubic hair is not the same

what you can't see at home for the podcast is Anna has enormous hairs on her eyebrows.

No, and so yeah, it has those and then when you transplant say you put eyebrow hair on your head they would all grow for that amount of time and then stop.

Could you transplant all hair?

As in, could you transplant eyelash hair onto your head, should you want it?

Well, we have a surgeon in the audience.

Don't ask us, Malcolm.

Shall we do some more facts?

Yeah, let's do another fact.

Sorry, Malcolm.

I have a fact that only I, and presumably the person who sent this in, who's called Jamie Drummond, will enjoy.

And it's that.

Why are you reading it?

Stop with the.

Stop with the hard sell, Anna, please.

I think sometimes it's good to have a private bonding moment in these mass experiences.

Cool.

In Gladiator, released in 2000, Russell Crowe had a dog, quite a ferocious dog.

Oh, yeah.

Played by a dog called Kite, who was a Belgian shepherd, apparently a tervuran Belgian shepherd.

Anyway, she went on to be Wellard in Eastenders.

Of course, so that's the name of the dog, Wellard.

Yeah, Wellard in Eastenders, yeah.

Named by Gus, I think,

who was a funny guy, which is why he named him Wellard.

Great fat.

Is there really good?

Great fat.

Any more?

Any more?

But this is a cool one.

This is from Polly, or at Saying Nice Stuff.

My husband Frank says the electrical cable in this theatre would stretch from here to Grimsby if placed end to end.

Yeah.

Why haven't we done that?

Yeah.

Do you mean all the different cables?

Because presumably, if it's a cable, it is end-to-end already.

It's just a cable, right?

It's not a cable, is it all the cables?

It says the electrical cable.

There's one cable in this place.

Wow.

But

I feel like cable can be a plural kind of collective noun, right?

All the cable in a place.

You could say that, right?

Yeah, I see that.

We say that all the time.

Yeah, yeah.

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Another one on places.

I've got one which someone sent in saying in Switzerland, it's illegal to flush the toilet after 10 p.m.

What?

Illegal?

Illegal, according to this person who apparently lives in Switzerland, as so they claim.

I remember there was a woman who wanted to get a passport in Switzerland, didn't she?

Do you remember?

And in order to get a passport, she needed to get the permission of all the other people in her village.

That's right.

And they all hated her.

Yeah.

And they all wrote to the government saying, no, we don't want her in our country.

And she didn't.

I think eventually she got it.

Did she?

I think so.

Yeah, they were like, she's so annoying.

We just don't want her.

Yeah.

That's bad.

Thank God we don't have that system here.

I'd be homeless.

This is quite a cool fact.

I think Danny might like this one.

It's kind of spooky coincidence.

Oh, cool, nice.

So this was sent in by email from Nick Speechley.

And it's that in one of his recent rants, Kanye West, I know not a promising opening.

We don't love a lot of his work.

Claimed that Hitler, also not promising, I'll give you that.

There better be a huge U-turn coming on this fact, Kannada.

Claimed that Hitler invented the microphone.

Weird.

In actual fact, the technology that 90% of microphones use today was invented by an African-American man who was called West.

That's good.

Spooky.

Is Kanye trying to plant that in our head somehow?

What is he trying to do?

Well, you think he's going to then say, well, it's my relative, so I'm going to take all the money.

Oh, maybe.

Yeah.

Are you saying he's a gold digger, is what I'm asking?

Oh, that's one of his things.

Is that a reference to him?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Is it true with...

Sorry to move into Hitler, but is it.

I read years ago, years and years ago, that there was a story that whenever Hitler was going to do a speech, the sound system, so this is to do with the microphones as well, the sound system would play a sort of note, a slightly annoying note, while everyone was waiting.

So it was just one of those notes that, you know, that sense of...

Not the one that makes everyone poo.

No, not the poo note, but like

at certain ages, you can hear certain ones, and it's just a little...

Like a mosquito tone.

Yeah, a mosquito tone.

And the idea, again, don't know if this is true.

The idea was that when he came on stage, they would turn it off.

And the sense of relief that you would get when he came on stage played into the sense of, oh, someone who's going to help us is here.

It was just a little psychological thing.

Has anyone heard that?

I have heard that, yeah.

But I don't know.

From you.

I bring it up every episode.

Why is it not made it in?

But that's actually what we were doing at the start of this show when, and for listeners at home, there were a series of maybe two or three dozen technical glitches, but it was just to create that sense of relief.

Wouldn't we come on?

Yeah, I've got a fact for you.

Yeah.

This is from Steve Early,

and it's this: I'm just gonna read it verbatim: It is possible to make a tuber out of material other than brass, and somebody once made one from cheese,

and it sounded okay.

That's pretty good.

Well, I remember reading once that I think this is tubers.

I might be going completely wrong, but I think it's tubers.

Basically, in America, this is all the sc high schools have all got bands, and they all have tuba players.

But then, when you go to like top-level bands, you only need one tuba player in a band, right?

And so there's a massive, massive like competition for tuba players in America because there's loads of really good ones.

Like, there might be loads of really good violinists, but you can have ten different violinists in an orchestra, right?

Yeah.

But there's not much much use for a tuba.

I would have thought it was always proportional.

You know, in the schools, you've got, let's say, you've got lots of violinists in every school.

Yeah.

So only a certain percentage of them are going to get through to the.

But they can also play in, you know, string quartets.

I see.

You don't get very many tuba quartets.

Steve, can I just ask what kind of cheese it was?

I'm guessing it was a fairly hard one.

Oh, it's got to be a hard one.

Yeah,

yeah.

I've got a fact about cheese, actually.

This is Swedish cheese called Basta Bottensaust.

And apparently, when you make it, you require a bit of, you need to stir it and then leave it and then stir it and then leave it.

And apparently, it was invented in 1872 by a dairy maid called Olika Lindstrom.

And she kept being distracted by her work to go and have sex with a local boy.

And she would go away, have sex, and then come back and stir it, and then go away, have sex, come back and then stir it.

And then when the cheese was made, she was like, this is delicious.

Yeah, but she must have been starving after that.

Anything would taste good.

Just quickly, I'm just thinking: if it was E-Dam, you could presumably get one of the holes to go all the way through.

And then you'd have a cheese tuber.

Are you thinking of Leodammer?

No, I'm thinking of E-Dam.

And a cheese tuber.

It definitely has the holes, right?

Edam's got holes in it, right?

Hold on.

No.

Doesn't.

Oh, wow.

Emental, I'm getting.

Emental.

Yeah.

Leodama does as well, for sure.

And Leodammer, yeah.

That's probably why no one liked that joke.

That'll be the reason.

Yeah, yeah.

Make a good drum, a leadam, wouldn't it?

I don't know what an E-Dam is, as we now well know.

I'm slightly struggling to remember what a tuber looks like.

What does it look like?

Well, imagine a big tube.

Yeah.

Surround it with brass.

Yeah.

There you go.

In fact, do you know what you should imagine?

Because I've always really loved this.

You know, fallopian tubes, if you can picture fallopian tubes.

Of course.

Common everyday household item for Dan?

From diagrams.

You can see the shape of them and they get wider at the bottom.

Yes.

So they were named after the tuber.

Oh, a lot of tubes.

Yeah.

I would say more like a paper clip, but it's a big musical instrument, right?

It's got those bending bits and it's got.

Yeah.

I'm just trying to think of something that Dan might have seen more from the fallopian tube.

I've seen a lot of fallopian chews, James.

Here's a fun Christmas fact that I got sent.

I got sent this this morning, nothing to do with the show.

So at Steve Downunders, not going to realize that he's made it onto our show.

But

he's written in from New Zealand.

He DM'd me on Twitter and he said, Keo Aura, Dan, a quick fact for you, you might like to use for fish.

Jesus had a disciple named Thomas the Testicle.

No, no, no, no, no.

Happy to elaborate if you're interested.

Now, I don't want to be a doubting Thomas, but I know nothing, that's true.

Why would he say that?

What's he saying there?

Thomas the testicle?

I don't know what he's saying.

Does anyone in the audience have any idea if he might be making some kind of weird reference to an actual fact?

No.

Oh, is he hitting on me?

We'll let you believe that's what it is, I suppose.

We did actually put a call out for some Christmas facts on

Twitter, and we got some great ones in.

So, this is not from people in the audience here, but I did particularly like that.

So, I like this because I have friends who live in the Netherlands, and I refuse to believe they're this deranged.

But in 2006, people in the Netherlands were banned from adopting rabbits over Christmas because there's a popular festive song about a family cooking their pet, and it was believed that all Dutch people who adopted rabbits would just be trying to replicate that song.

It's terrible, isn't it?

And I I think around the same time, the like the Dutch version of the RSPCA said that everyone who had a rabbit should keep it indoors so that no one would kind of pick it up and try and copy this song.

It's how often do you sing a song and then sort of enact the lyrics as you do it?

Yeah, I'm always going around bullying reindeers.

Yeah, apparently, this is a thing, and

it's really, really popular.

And if you go to the Netherlands and they play like the top, you know, 20 Christmas songs of the year, they always play this one.

Wow.

Oh, we've got another Christmas

animal slaughter related fact.

I've got a hit.

It's from Holly T, I think you're in.

Hi.

This is a great, I really like this.

This is a historical fact.

It's that in 1797, Tom the Goose was brought with thousands of other geese to Leadenhall Market in London to be slaughtered.

But Tom escaped, perusing the market

and evading capture for days on end.

His life was eventually spared, and he was adopted as the market's mascot, and he had a bar named after him, which is called Old Tom's Bar.

The goose.

The goose.

Yeah, yeah.

Do we buy that?

I buy it.

Yeah, I think so.

And definitely, we know that the geese were taken to town and they were walked all the way to town through Norfolk and stuff like that.

They put little boots on them, wouldn't they?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, that's what they say.

They always say, oh, they put little boots on the geese.

But actually, I think what they happened was they would dip the feet in like tar.

I think they'd walk them through a big tar deck.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's not quite as nice.

But that definitely did happen.

That did happen.

And they did used to always go rampaging the animals around Smithfield and stuff.

So yeah.

So yes, that's more plausible than Thomas the Testicle.

If that's the

hierarchy of the Toms, yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This is a cool one.

We got sent by At Flame Eyes,

who I think is in here tonight.

Diego, are you in here tonight?

Diego's here.

Google engineers in California had no clue about the Football World Cup and were alerted to it when traffic dropped suddenly for more than half an hour, then suddenly spiked and went back down again.

Nowadays, most tech companies have a dedicated sports event calendar as a result.

It's just pretty cool how much it sort of influences the world.

Yeah, except no one in this room who have continued with your ordinary lives despite the football match being on.

And we respect you for it.

Here's one.

In 1834, we also had three prime ministers in a year.

So we did this year.

Lord Melbourne was the prime minister.

He was sacked by the king, and Sir Robert Peel was chosen.

But Sir Robert Peel was on holiday in Italy at the time, so they sent someone out to find him.

And while they were trying to find him, the Duke of Wellington was an interim PM.

That's still fine.

I love the idea of having to just find the PM.

That's a really good idea.

Well, they'd have struggled with Boris, wasn't they?

Check the fridge.

There was another fact about, oh, I think it was Lord Liverpool, who was the fifth Tory Prime Minister in a row.

and was at the kind of late end of

an administration and wasn't seen as being very good at the job, was really young as well, was in his early 40s when he got the job, and he was in charge of 25 years.

Wow.

Are we sure there wasn't a Thomas the Testicle?

Because I feel like

that would be, of all the disciples, the one you'd want at the Last Supper, right?

Like, he's

a party disciple.

The party disciple, Thomas the Testicle.

I thought you meant as a kind of dim sum option there it was.

I've got another fact on balls.

Yeah.

Someone sent this in.

My interesting fact is that frozen meatballs that go in pasta ready meals set off metal detectors.

Can you guess?

Let's see if you can guess why that might happen.

Frozen meatballs set off metal detectors.

Frozen meatballs.

They've got metal in them.

It was a reasonable thought, but no.

Because you wrap them in aluminium.

No, no, no.

More surprising than that.

More surprising.

Is it to do with them being frozen?

The freezing process.

Why close?

Whose fact is it?

Jack.

Jack?

Can you explain why?

Because that's when they're frozen, they're compressed, and it's so dense.

The metal detector isn't actually looking for metal, it's looking for really dense objects.

No, I didn't know that.

So metal detectors don't detect metal specifically, they detect the density of the object.

And the rolls are really dense.

That's why Dan sets it off whenever he goes through.

When I go home and my wife says, How's the gig?

It's great.

The room clapped for me.

At one point.

so great here's one this is from i think i think you're in the room samuel wilkinson hello uh so uh samu wilkinson says only five people on the planet know the formula for angostura bitters and they have made a pact to never fly on a plane together

or even to eat in the same restaurant

that's a really good excuse if you've got people who you don't like isn't it just give them something then you're like oh we can't go for dinner together i'm sorry yeah yes

I was always told when I was a barman, I don't know if this is true because I never looked it up, that Angostura bitters is technically poisonous, it's a poison, and that's why they always said you're only allowed to use a tiny little bit.

I don't know if that's true.

I mean, everything's poisonous in large enough quantities, isn't it?

Yeah.

That's such a clever dick thing to say.

Well, I got really worried recently because my husband made a meal for me and it tasted quite strongly of a specific spice.

I was like, God, what is that?

You put lots of it in.

He said, oh, I just put loads of nutmeg in it.

And I know.

And I got suddenly quite nervous because, you know, nutmeg is actually banned in a couple of countries because it is, in certain quantities, poisonous.

And surprisingly small quantities.

Like, if you had two tablespoons of nutmeg, I think you'd be in trouble.

Really?

Yeah.

And then I actually don't think I've admitted this to him, so maybe don't tell him.

But I wanted him to feel okay, so I said, No, I'm sure it's fine.

How much did you put in?

And he showed me.

And then I actually threw up because I thought, I'm not fucking dying.

If this guy wants to die, if not no poisoning, he's good.

He can go.

But

I've got a long life to live.

Oh, my God.

But you thought it was worth saving yourself.

Well, I didn't want him to think I was paranoid.

Yeah, you certainly haven't come across as paranoid in this story.

And then did you just watch him and see if he died?

I watched him like an absolute hawk.

And he passed on that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Is it legal these days to have a massive company and have all the ingredients on the bag, but then go, but there's a secret something we're not telling you?

Can you legally do that these days?

I don't know, isn't it?

But they all do, don't they?

Like KFC and Coca-Cola.

We've got allergies.

We have, like, people have that.

I think if you had peanuts in there, they'd make you put that on.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I don't get whether or not.

They're not allowed to go to the same restaurant because in case it's poisoned.

Well, if all five of them die in the restaurant.

I see, yeah.

But in case there's a poisoner chef in the restaurant.

Yeah, okay.

Hannah's husband working.

Welcome to Nutmeg Nicks.

There's a few things, right, where people aren't allowed to travel in the same plane or whatever.

I can only think of the Wright brothers because they weren't allowed to fly in the same plane for years.

The Royal Family as well.

There were certain things about that that's been said.

I read, and again, don't know because we're just flying off with the retained facts.

It's possible this is true that people who made the parachutes for NASA

for the rockets that come back in, so Apollo 13 when the parachutes came out, the people who know how to make the parachutes, there's only like three people who know how to make that copyright.

Three people who know how to make their parachutes?

Yeah, there's a secret ingredient to that.

It's the ropes.

Just from the royal family, by the way, because we just quickly mentioned them.

When he was a child and the nanny told him to do something that he didn't want to do, Apparently, Prince William used to say, when I'm king, I will have you punished.

Let's be real.

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This is a cool one from Charlie Brooke.

In the 1960s, a British scientist began an investigation into whether there were people who could see the future.

The project ended in 1968 when two of his subjects accurately predicted his death.

And this really,

this really happened.

And this is, so as Charlie Brooke says, this is from a book called The Premonitions Bureau, which is a new book that came out this year by Sam Knight.

And it was about a guy in London who...

following a very tragic accident where a school was taken out by a landslide and there was a lot of deaths.

A few people said that they had accurately predicted that this would happen.

There was even a few school children from the school that had drawn these quite ominous drawings ahead of it.

And so he thought, what if this is the case, that premonition was a real thing?

What if we had a bureau in London that was able to accurately gather together all these predictions so that we could see if there was going to be a big train crash in the future or a fire somewhere, we would be able to stop it before it happened.

And they predicted his death.

They both independently said.

But did they kill him?

Yeah.

I haven't got to the end of the book.

I went to Nostradamus' house this year.

I knew you were going to do that.

That was great.

Yeah?

What was your favourite thing?

Oh, well, it was a plaque.

That's it.

That's it.

Yeah, yeah.

What was the plaque?

His plaque said that he'd lived there, or was it like in code?

It said he lived there, and it talked a bit about the stuff he predicted, which I think is pretty okay.

They hired you to work for their tourism outreach program, didn't they?

Can I quickly say my favourite Nostradamus facts?

Oh, my gosh.

And it's not a fact, obviously.

But

so when he died, he was buried, and there was all these rumours swirling around that if you wanted to inherit the powers of Nostradamus, you had to get his skull and you had to drink through his skull.

And

so he died.

And then in 1791, which is, I think maybe even 100 years after he died,

May of

1791, these gravediggers locate his grave and they dig him up and they open it.

And there, laying in the grave, is Nostradamus.

But around his neck and on his chest is a little board on which it's written, May 1791.

As if he went, I knew you'd be here.

Oh my God.

That's good pranking.

Yeah, yeah.

And is that true?

Oh, it's not a joke.

I think this is really interesting.

I can't believe I didn't know it.

If it's true, this was sent in by Willow Ray Culpeper.

So in Pennsylvania, there's you've got the Amish community, you know, they get called Pennsylvanian Dutch.

Do you guys know why they're called Pennsylvanian Dutch?

I thought they originated in the Netherlands.

Apparently, they were German settlers, but they introduced themselves to the English.

And what do they introduce themselves as?

Deutsch, Deutsch.

Deutsch.

And the English went, ah, sounds like you're probably Dutch.

And that's stuck ever since.

Okay, well look, I think

we've got a good pool of facts to pick from here for going into our fact off for the nerdiest person in the room.

So James and I are going to be deciding who are the two finalists and whoever we pick is going to be on our team.

So we're going to ask you to come up on stage and sit next to each of us

And we'll do this quiz along next to you.

And so, James, do you want to pick first who...

Yeah, I'm thinking that maybe to psych you out, we should go for the meatballs guy.

Because it felt like you really lost it around that time.

And I think by bringing him up on this side of the stage, that's going to really

benefit.

All right, meatballs guy.

And I will go for the lady who hasn't flushed her toilets since 10 p.m.

to 6 a.m.

in the mornings every single night.

So while you're making your way down and making your way to the front of the stage, we are going to find out the rules of the quiz, how it's going to be played, how we're going to determine the winner.

So, here to introduce it all is our quiz master herself, Anna Toshinsky, everybody.

Yes.

Yes, so the way this is going to work, as we alluded to earlier, is we will be quizzing our two contenders, Jack and Gaia, and we're going to be quizzing them on how well they know the no such thing as a fish crew.

So, come onto stage, Jack.

You're on James's team.

I'm sorry about that.

But if you take a seat there.

It's the winning team, Jack.

Don't worry.

And I just want to introduce you also to my little scoring boy over here on the left, Andrew the red-nosed reindeer.

Hi, Gaia, you're on Dan's team.

So what I'm gonna do is I'm going to read out some questions, and you're going to have to tell me which member of No Such Thing as a Fish is the answer to those questions.

Can you stop distracting your contestant, please?

Okay, without further ado, let's start the quiz.

So,

question number one.

Who once lost a quiz by saying one of the seven dwarves was called Bernard?

Please choose quite speedily.

Guy, you've gone for Andy, Jack, you've gone for Dan.

The correct answer is Dan Treiberg.

Get in there.

Come on.

Of course you're with me.

What the fuck are you doing?

I'm an idiot.

She thinks too much of you.

Oh, actually, that's very kind of you.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, okay.

Okay, question number two.

So, sorry, scoring boy, what is the score?

1-0.

Thank you for your invaluable contribution to the game.

Question number two: Who was given birth to in front of live observing students?

And you guy have gone for James, you, Jack, have gone for me.

Anna, the correct answer is me.

Brilliant, Jack.

Amazing.

Very strong work.

Just you it.

Scoring boy, what have we got?

Two 2-0!

Wait, sorry, why were people watching you when you were born?

They asked my mum halfway through labor if she minded if

it's about to be.

No, they said, do you mind as an educational process if people can watch your child being born?

And she said, go for your life.

And so they ushered about 20 people into the room.

Gosh, wow.

Are they still in contact with the others?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

She She has them round every time, every Saturday.

Every time you come back home,

I squeeze myself through a very small window.

Cat flap.

Okay, so question number three.

And Jack, if you get this right and you get this wrong, then Jack's taken it.

Who owns a light-up earspoon?

Who owns a light-up earspoon?

You've both gone for James Harkin, and the answer is James Harkin.

Yes!

Yes, Gaia!

What's our score then?

3-1!

3-1, well done.

You could pour it back now.

But not if Jack gets this one right.

So

who played Joseph in the nativity play alongside their brother who played a blade of grass?

You've both gone with Andy,

and I'm afraid that's not right.

I'm afraid it was me.

It's not me, this guy, James.

And he will be absolutely delighted we're bringing it up for this podcast.

Okay, so

no change.

There we go.

Still on 3-1.

And so, final.

Oh, hang on.

Let's do the final question anyway.

We'll do the final.

I'm sorry.

That was a bit of an underwhelming announcement to say that Jack's won this.

Very, very hard to come back from at this point.

But it's possible.

It's possible.

We can do this.

We can do this.

Guy, according to Dan's brain, you can do this, and I believe in you.

So double points.

Who once had a brilliant, self-described, idea for a cheese chessboard?

You've gone for Dan, you've gone for Joe.

So just to say, this is double points, right?

Oh, we're actually giving Gaia a chance.

Wow.

Well, you suppose I know the answer, yeah?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm afraid it was Andrew Hunter Murray.

Because it's obviously my idea.

Come on.

The cheese board.

But cheese board is already a thing.

But every piece is a different cheese.

As we've learned, you know so much about cheese.

Well,

I had an idea for a t-shirt where you have a chessboard on the front, right?

And it's called chest.

Right?

So you have little Velcro bits, right?

And then, check this out, check this out.

On the back, what have you got?

Backgammon.

Monopoly.

Oh, backgammon.

Way better.

Way better.

That's why that didn't work.

Monopoly is too complicated.

So, Guy, I'm so sorry.

You're the second nerdiest person in the room, but I'm going to have to usher you off stage now.

But Jack, if you want to take center stage here, and I'm going to hand you over to Andrew Hunter Murray.

Jack, well, you have done it.

You did it with your facts.

Get ready to take your prize, Jack.

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Jack, the nerdiest person in the room.

Okay, that's it.

That is all of our facts.

Thank you so much for listening to this episode.

If you'd like to get in contact with any of us about the things that we've said on this podcast, we can be found on our Twitter account.

I'm on at Schreiberland.

Gaia.

Hey, it's Gaia.

Jack?

At monkey2738.

Are you a bot, Jack?

You're the nicest bot I've ever met.

Andy.

And Andrew Hunter.

And James.

Hi, James Harkin.

Anna.

You can email podcast at QI.com.

Yeah, or you can go to our group account, which is at no such thing, or our website, no such thingasafish.com.

All of our previous episodes are there.

Thank you for tuning in to our Christmas episode.

We'll see you again.

Goodbye.

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