No Such Thing As A Royal Seal

Dreaming of buying your first car or new home?

Knowing your FICO score is the first step to making it real.

With My FICO, you can check your score for free and it won't hurt your credit.

You'll get your FICO score, full credit reports, and real-time alerts all in one simple app.

Your credit score is more than just numbers, it's the key to building the future you've been working toward.

Visit myfico.com/slash free or download the MyFICO app and take the mystery out of your FICO score.

This is Bethany Frankl from Just Be with Bethany Frankl.

Here's my summer tip: Don't overthink your dogs' meals.

My pups love Just Fresh from Just Food for Dogs, complete, balanced, fresh, shelf-stable meals that go everywhere from New York City to weekends in the Hamptons.

I mean, you can have real food ready to go for your pup anywhere.

No cooler, no hassle, just grab and go.

I've seen the difference.

Healthier coats, more energy, tails wagging at mealtime.

Biggie and smalls love it and I'm all about stuff that just makes sense when life is busy.

Go to justfoodfordogs.com and get 50% off your first order right now.

No code needed.

Hello and welcome to the No Such Things a Fish Queen's Jubilee Garden Party.

Woo!

Dan Schreiber is over there getting together all of his dubious memorabilia about the royal family that he bought off eBay.

Alex Bell is over there alphabetizing all of his VHSs of the Queen's speech from over the years, filing them all under Q.

There's Anna

at the Pym's tent drinking it dry and there's Andy making a portrait of one of the queen's sons out of moss.

Oh not that one Andy.

Oh no.

Anyway, we are here today because we have an extra day off work and we thought what better than to give you a sneaky bonus episode of fish?

So here is another mini compilation of 30 minutes of silliness.

Really hope you enjoy it.

We'll be back again next week with a normal episode.

But in the meantime, on with the podcast.

All right, it is time for our final fact, and that is Andy's fact.

Andy's fact this week is that.

What's wrong?

Are you objecting to how I presented that?

No, no, you're doing a great job.

Keep it up.

Yeah, thank you.

I'm mixing it up a bit.

You know, you try something new, it doesn't work, you move on.

Please, Andy, this is Andy's little nugget of joy coming up next.

You really thought of it.

I threw Andy there.

Like, I think I could see Andy was just completely thrown.

He looked at what he's written on his hand and went, I don't know what to do now.

She's gone off script.

No.

Mom, let me out.

This is something that's not very well sourced, so forgive me.

But I know, very likely know someone whose dad used to be in the Navy.

Right.

And

the claim from him is that

he says that the last case of scurvy that happened in the Royal Navy, the British Royal Navy, was in the 1970s.

Really?

Really?

Nice.

Didn't James Blunt claim that he had scurvy?

I read.

Yes, he did.

Said that he was James Blunt.

Sorry.

You know, this is according to him.

So, whether this is true or not.

So he said he was at university and all the people in his class were all vegans and vegetarians.

And he was really, he didn't like this.

And he thought, right, I'm going to stick it to them and somehow stick it to them by only eating meat.

And so he decided that all he was going to eat was mint and bacon and stuff like that.

And he went on just a a meat-only diet.

And he said that after a while, he went to his doctor.

And his doctor said, Yeah, you've got scurvy.

Wow.

I'm slightly suspicious of that, partly because there is vitamin C in meat.

As long as it's fresh meat, there's vitamin C.

He's only eating very old meat.

That's the thing.

He's very

blunt.

And he will only eat very discounted elderly meat.

He said that he lived on mints, some chicken, and maybe some mayonnaise.

Got off.

And then he said that his doctor said that he might have scurvy.

And so he took to drinking orange juice every night.

And then he got acid reflux.

So, you know, it was a bad time for old Blunt.

Way to stick it to the vegetarians, though.

They must have really regretted their life choices.

The helicopter method, they used that in the early days of the pandemic, didn't they?

Where they were getting people to go off pumps and so on.

Yeah, yeah, they would bring helicopters in and just tilt them in the wind, just trying to push people off.

Really?

Yeah.

Have you not seen the photos of that?

It just seems quite dangerous to fly a helicopter so low.

It does seem a bit dangerous.

I guess with the angle, they were just

pushed down wind.

You don't mean they were physically using the draft of the helicopter blades to push people out of parks.

They were telling them to get off and they were giving them a message with the wind.

I don't think the wind was so great, they were literally...

One of the great joys of the pandemic was looking out of your window to see people flying past.

Has anyone had a Vietnamese dish called cao lao?

I don't think so.

Has anyone been to Vietnam?

No.

Well then you definitely haven't had it.

Is it only allowed to to be sold there?

It's not that.

You can only make it in a very specific town called Hai An.

Right.

Why do you think you can only make this in that particular town?

It's a noodle dish.

There's only what...

Okay, the noodles come from a special kind of wheat, which is grown only in Hai An.

It's a secret ingredient from a lady called Anne.

Much better.

No, no.

What it is, you're not going to guess either, are you?

It's that you have to greet the person who makes it with your hi.

There's only one person who makes it.

They've trademarked it and they say hi and then give you this noodle dish.

So you have to meet them.

I really like the way you thought that maybe it's because it's called hi an.

Probably I pronounced that wrong.

But anyway, so the reason you can only make it here is because you need to use a very specific water for the noodles and it has to come out of a very particular well in the town.

And if you don't take the water out of this well, they're not authentic noodles.

So it's like herbs with noodles on top and then crispy pork on top of that.

But the noodles have to be made with this very specific water and they have to be mixed with the ash from the wood of a very local, specific local tree.

So you're kind of close with your wheat thing, Andy, called Kajaput.

And apparently, if you do that, it gives the water's got alumin and a few other minerals, and it gives the noodles a real chewy texture and a burnt flavor that you can't get anywhere else in the world.

That's so cool.

It's cool.

James, have you...

I've never been to Vietnam.

I was going to say,

have you traveled specifically to Vietnam?

If I ever go to Vietnam, I'm going here.

There's no doubt about that, but no, I haven't.

Oh, say hi to Anne when you're there.

You know, we were talking about setting fire to things earlier.

The ashes.

Okay, so that's Australia versus England.

And the story goes that in 1882, Australia beat England, and one of the newspapers called it the death of English cricket, and that the body will be cremated and the ashes taken to Australia.

And so they supposedly burnt the bales of the cricket wickets and they put it in a little urn and that became the prize.

And that's the prize we use today, which is very amusing and whatever, but probably not for the relatives of a man who was at the match in 1882 and died in the middle of the match.

Ouch.

Ouch.

So they did this kind of fake thing about all the death of cricket and burned all the ashes and put them in an urn and stuff.

And there was a guy who actually died in the match.

Wow, but they didn't incorporate him.

No, no.

Okay.

But that was.

When did you say that?

That was 1882?

1882, yeah.

Because do you remember we talked about cremation a few weeks ago?

Yeah.

And it was a kind of a new science at the time, and it was actually quite controversial, and it was just starting out.

That's really interesting.

Early crematoria were, there was only about one in the UK at the time.

That was not reproductive.

Probably the reason was it was quite zeitgeisty at the time, right?

And that's why they thought we'll burn the ashes and that's why we have the ashes because cremation was zeitgeisty at the time.

We could have buried them in a graveyard.

But

they're in a museum here, aren't they?

Yeah, they stay in Lord's office.

They stay in Lourdes, and the museum has, it's got the ashes, and it's also got a dead bird just sitting there.

Does it?

It was a bird that was killed during a match, a famous match, and yeah, it was terrible.

It got killed.

I was in by a ball ball hitter.

I think a flying ball hitter or a batsman accidentally.

Yeah, something occurred, the bird died, and it's now in the museum.

It was a robin, and the batsman, because they didn't have the sight screens at the time, the robin got, the batsman got confused

and smashed it from the sky.

The duck is also a thing in cricket that you could have used in that joke as well.

Yeah, yeah.

But not a birdie, because that's the wrong sport.

That's a golfing thing, isn't it?

Like an eagle as well.

Yeah.

All these paths that might have been for that one not very good joke.

Just makes you think, doesn't it?

Paul Morgan in 2018 had the longest birthday ever enjoyed by anyone on the planet.

He had a 48-hour birthday.

Did he do it with international date lines?

He says he lives in Hawaii.

He lives in Hawaii.

He flew from Samoa to Auckland to Los Angeles and then back to Hawaii.

And he had to cross the international dateline in one very narrow window.

So there was a one-hour period where where the two time zones he was crossing were in the same day, if you see what I mean.

And he had to cross in that one-hour window, and he made it by one minute and five seconds.

That's so impressive.

If the flight, the plane he was on, which he had no control over, obviously it was a passenger flight, had been two minutes earlier, it would all have been for nothing.

I mean, arguably, it was all for nothing.

Yeah,

because he had a really long birthday, but it was all spent on an airway.

Exactly.

He spent his entire 48 hours on a cramped airline.

Yeah, and it's like you live in Hawaii, dude.

Just stay in Hawaii and have an amazing time.

Yeah.

Have you guys heard of St.

Kevin and the Nettles?

Sounds like a band.

It does.

It'd be a great band.

I'm St.

Kevin and these are the Nettles.

I can't figure out who sounds more lame.

Kevin.

Or his Nettles.

St.

Kevin, was he?

I have a feeling he was either an Irish or a Welsh saint.

And I'm probably wrong about this, but I think he once floated to Ireland on the Leaf.

But am I wrong about that?

Well, he was Irish.

I actually don't know about his his leaf based record.

Sounds entirely plausible.

In saint world.

Yeah that sounds like small potatoes.

Yeah.

So he there are two stories about him in nettles.

One is that he only lived on nettles for a while during Lent and started losing a lot of weight and then someone started sneaking him food.

The other story is that he was when he was young, he was in the wilderness and he was praying and a young lady was passing by, beautiful young lady, and fell madly in love with him because he was a very very hot young, I don't even know if he was a saint at this point.

He He was just a hot young priest having a prey.

And she thought.

She could say in the future, I fancied him before he was a saint, you know, back when he was just a humble, hot young priest.

And he thought a lot of her too.

And so...

To cure his lust, he rolled in a bed of nettles until his lust was cooled.

And he also suggested she do the same thing.

And she did.

And later on, she became a nun.

And no one had any fun at all.

And that's the story.

And that's how you're raising your children, isn't it, Andy?

If someone turns up at your house to deliver your Grammy, would they be a Grammy Gram?

Very good.

Like a kiss of Gram or a one of your

nice.

Yeah, yeah, you get it?

Yes, yeah.

No, it's a joke.

If you're listening to this, it might feel like someone edited in a pause.

That actually was how long it took everyone to recover from that joke.

Sometimes people are just trying to hold it together in these recording sessions, and it's just, you know.

Anyway.

Just one quick thing on jet engines.

Oh, yeah.

I was reading about the procedures by which they test jet engines these days.

Because I know, I think we've mentioned before the chicken cannon, where they fire a bunch of.

Yeah, exactly, yeah.

And there are all these procedures.

So there's General Electric have these machines which have to create any weather for the engine.

So you see what I mean?

They're testing the jet engine in big harness.

When they say any weather, they probably don't do like just a nice day.

They don't do

gentle breeze, clouds,

extreme weather, right?

Imagine that.

They only test the engine in extreme conditions.

They don't realize that's

the one thing it can't cope with is clement weather.

Like 12 degrees, a little bit of a breeze, but a nice sunny day so that when you're in the sun, it actually feels quite warm.

But when you're in

disaster.

Yeah.

But there's, and there's so there's one other they do, which is called the blade-off procedure.

I don't know if we've mentioned this actually, where they explode one of the blades at the base to see what happens.

I mean, to see that the engine can stay functioning even if it loses a blade.

It's kind of reassuring because they test these things so rigorously.

You know,

what's the answer?

Kenneth, just in case that happens, sometimes it passes, sometimes it fails, and they normally wave it through in either case.

Some of the most famous stained glass in England, anyway, is is at Canterbury Cathedral.

And there's some which is so old that it, you know, so Thomas Beckett, the Archbishop, was killed in 11 something.

70.

Yeah.

So there are some windows which are older than that, meaning that they would have been in place at the time.

But there are also, there are windows that were created slightly later, which are referring to all the miracles that were done by...

Thomas Beckett after he died.

I think we talked about him before, haven't we?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

His body was turned into some kind of homeopathic medicine.

Basically, yeah, you would, yeah, exactly.

They used some of his blood and they diluted it so much, but then they kept selling the water.

But there are incredible scenes in the stained glass window of people coming and being healed.

So one of them is Eyleward of Westerning,

who prayed to St.

Thomas after he was blinded and castrated for petty theft.

He'd committed some petty theft and he was blinded and castrated as a result, which feels...

It feels harsh.

It feels harsh.

He went to Canterbury, prayed to Thomas, and his genitals were restored big time.

Big time.

Big time.

The window, There's a stained glass window which shows.

No, no, it doesn't change.

Let me finish.

It shows him after the prayer and after the miracle, and behind him is a tree which has these three huge leaves which symbolise his restored genitals.

There's three of them.

He's got three penises.

That is.

Yeah.

Well, so there's one leaf that...

I don't want to be cruel.

One leaf is the penis and two of the...

It's representing a cock and pencil.

Basically, it's a cock and balls in tree form to symbolise his

renewed nads.

There's a cock and balls in Canterbury Cathedral stained glass that you've got to do tours of Canterbury Cathedral to tell the school children that.

Yeah, the seven old people have their own Bigfoot.

Oh, yeah.

The seven old people have the Skunk Ape of Florida.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

I have a mug at home, which is the Skunk Ape of Florida, which James gave to me off the back of a holiday.

Was that the holiday?

It was like a museum to the Skunk Ape or something, and I bought you the mug, yeah.

And we based, this is inside baseball again, but we based the design of our no such thing as a fish Mug on that mug.

Did we?

Yeah.

Same colours, same sort of style.

We already had the colours.

No, because it's a blue mug.

The No Such Thing as a Fish Mug is not blue.

It's black.

Oh, did we go black in the owners?

Yeah.

With yellow on the edge.

We went with yellow and black, which are the colours we've used for the forecast for the last eight years.

Controversial.

I don't know.

Your spin-off mug

industry.

Well, it was based on that, which was blue and yellow.

That's funny.

It's all falling together.

That's so far inside baseball.

You've come out the other end.

Oh, mug.

Based on the mug.

I love that.

Well, look, I did expect it to come up.

There's an interesting thing that I quite like, which was in ancient Greece, you might have two ages, kind of.

So you would have chronos, which is the amount of time that went since you were born.

And so that's like an objective.

This is how old you are.

I'm 43 years old or whatever.

And they would also have kairos, which was your own personal sense of time passing.

So if you felt much much younger than you actually were, that would be your Kairos.

So, in my Kairos, I feel about 21, but in my Kronos, I'm 43.

You were never 21.

Even in your Kronos, you were never 21 because you came out

fully formed.

The ancient Greeks are actually where we get a lot of our birthday celebrations, which I genuinely find quite surprising because it's the sort of thing you read and you think that's got to be a myth.

And then we can actually trace the birthday cake from then, when they used to celebrate Artemis' birthday.

You can work out the birthday of the birthday cake.

The birthday of of the birthday cake is, yeah, 17th of December, 5000 BC.

And birthday candles, they were your Greeks as well.

They were, weren't they?

Really?

But yeah, it was for Artemis.

For a long time, people only celebrated gods and kings' birthdays and queens.

So you would have had a celebration, Lucy, I suppose, but the rest of us would have been

lost.

And they celebrated Artemis and, you know, had these moon-shaped cakes they're always described as, which surely is just...

A cake.

A cake.

And then it was a different moon-shaped once you'd eaten some of the cake.

Yes, maybe you had to eat it like you were weighing it.

Yeah.

Oh, that's quite nice.

Yeah, yeah.

You need a huge mouth to make that crescent shape.

Where's my cake?

It's a new moon.

Sorry.

I want to give us cake.

Sucks.

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We the man to be honest.

Winner, best score.

We the man to be seen.

Winner, best book.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs!

Playing the Orpheum Theater October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.

From Australia to San Francisco, Cullen Jewelry brings timeless craftsmanship and modern lab-grown diamond engagement rings to the U.S.

Explore Solitaire, trilogy, halo, and bezel settings, or design a custom ring that tells your love story.

With expert guidance, a lifetime warranty, and a talented team of in-house jewelers behind every piece, your perfect ring is made with meaning.

Visit our new Union Street showroom or explore the range at cullenjewelry.com.

Your ring, your way.

Just one thing on gramophones.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

As we're on the Grammys.

So, singer Nick Drake.

Yeah.

Yeah, of course.

So,

you know, Drake, the rapper, his first name's Nick.

So the first three albums were folk and then he got rid of the first name.

So Nick Drake died in 1974.

Nonetheless, he's going on tour this year.

Again, are you sure you haven't mistaken Nick Drake with actual Drake?

Nominated.

He's nominated.

Sorry, he's nominated.

No, his personal...

This is the weird thing.

His personal gramophone is the thing that's going on tour.

Okay.

It's going on tour with his personal test recording of one of his albums called Pink Moon.

And it's going to be taken around and played in several different locations.

That's awesome.

And And that's the tourist.

Well, the kind of people who like him are the kind of people who would love that shit, right?

Whereas normal people, probably not that interesting.

That's fair enough, yeah, yeah.

I'm definitely going to be.

Well, there's a double reason you'd like this, Dan, because this is not the first time this has happened.

In 2007, John Lennon's piano went on tour around the USA.

Did it?

Yeah.

The white piano?

The imagined piano?

I'm not sure which piano it was, actually.

He probably owned a couple.

He had a few Bob by the end.

Yeah, no, I think you're right, James.

Like, this turns out I just don't need the actual musicians to cover toys.

I'm just happy just seeing like, what?

You're telling me his

trousers are going to go on?

Can't be in.

MC Hammer's trousers, the tar of the world.

They just dance by themselves.

Move them up and down on the rail.

Right.

Seals have retractable nipples.

No.

Yeah.

So the idea is that it's when they're in the, this is the female seals when they're in breastfeeding stage.

What they will do is and this is they do this because sometimes they're restricted fully to the sea and I guess they they don't want another way of you know flooding and and heading to the bottom of the water in that.

What?

Water going in through the nipples.

That doesn't feel like it doesn't really feel like that's not yeah, that's a good point.

Whenever I have a bath, my breasts come to ten times their size.

So you have to squirt it all out afterwards, isn't it?

Whatever you go swimming.

Water's a bit lower today.

Oh, it's been ladies' hour.

I think he was quite inspired by a guy called Walking Stewart, who was a man he met in France, and he loved Walking Stewart.

And this is actually a guy who loaths of the great philosophers and writers of the day really loved.

And he was a bloke who basically walked from India and through Persia and Abyssinia and African countries.

And then he walked through America later.

He loved walking.

He didn't record his travels because he thought that they should be travels of the mind.

So he never wrote anything.

He sounds like an absolute wanker, doesn't he?

You can imagine him propping up some bar as he tries to chat you up.

Say, well, actually, I'm a traveller of the mind,

which is why I haven't found a publisher yet.

I don't want a publisher, you know.

We've all met them on our gap years.

He's definitely a candidate for that.

What do we know about him?

Is it just through other people's accounts?

He was written about a lot, and he also did end up publishing a lot of stuff, including what he called his stupendous essay,

which he thought was a great work.

Very much the Russell brand of being here.

Voldemar Janusak, who's basically my favourite human alive, who's

he did a series, he's a presenter in the UK, and he did a series called The Dark Ages, Age of Light.

And it was fantastic.

Fun fact, on the previous 400 episodes, we've always cut out and referred to her favourite human alive, Voldemar Jonah Jack.

She's never referred to him before now.

What's going on?

You've been holding out.

I'm trying to keep it quiet.

I can't.

I'm obsessed with him.

Just as an aside,

technically, I learned this the other day: suckling.

Babies don't suckle.

Babies suck, and the mother suckles.

Yes, you're so right.

A mother is the suckler.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

And you like to go around correcting breastfeeding women, don't you, Dave?

Just in Starbucks.

Like, excuse me.

Just in case you thought the baby was suckling.

It's not.

You are.

Yeah.

And then I go, although, to be fair, in modern parlance, you can have it either way.

I'm just saying technically, etymologically, that's what's happening.

And you sell those t-shirts saying your baby sucks.

Actually, that reminds me of something I submitted as a fact for this week, but which was not chosen by the committee

of you guys, which was that reptiles don't suck.

They can't suck.

Oh, yeah.

Was it?

I didn't see that one.

I didn't even see that one.

I saw it.

Oh, right.

James deleted it.

They literally can't suck.

If you left a lizard next to a smoothie,

it would die.

Wow.

What?

Yeah.

Yeah,

they can't form the shape with their mouths to suck.

That's an exclusively mammalian thing.

Yeah, okay.

How interesting.

And there was one reptile, I think, 100 million years ago, which could.

They found that it had evidence of the muscles and then it just lost it.

That's the only one they've ever found in it.

So what do they, how do they eat?

Because you can eat a smoothie by just tipping it over and

you don't have opposable thumbs and there's a top on it and there's a straw because it's hard to get at it.

It's a sealed shop fresh smoothie.

Okay, right.

Yeah.

Which they can't tip over because it's in a little indentation on the ground.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's a great fact.

I've done this dozens of times.

The lizard dies every single time.

Do you know?

I don't think I've mentioned this before about mirrors.

Sorry, this is a random tangent, but I remember finding it so amazing.

If you're looking at yourself in a mirror and you want to see how your legs are looking and you can only see your top half, what do you do?

What, backwards?

Does everyone think you would do that?

I'd move the mirror.

Because in my mind, I'm holding a small silver-backed mirror.

Ah, you see, now I've got a full-length mirror, and I'm just thinking I need to get as far away from it as possible to get my full body in it.

Yeah,

it's welded to the wall, um, so you can't move it.

You can only move yourself.

Um, but it you oh, but well, hang on, no, but if you if you leaned in really close, oh, that's so clever.

If you leaned in really close and kind of looked down, then you'd see your legs.

If you lean in really close and you look down, you can see your legs exactly.

Moving back doesn't help at all.

So if you look at your head, yeah, you stay exactly the same size in a mirror.

It's just the mirror gets more distant in your view.

So if you look at your head in a mirror and then you measure it by putting your thing, so you you put your fingers in front of your eyes, you're looking at your reflection.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And so you can, there's a certain distance between your fingers and that accommodates your head.

If you walk back and back and back endlessly, your head's, I think, always going to be the same size until the mirror disappears out of view.

That's amazing.

The thing is

I guess I can already see my legs without the use of a mirror.

That's why it hasn't presented such a problem for humanity as you might think.

So, Anna, what's going on?

Why do people, because I think we all do think to ourselves, oh, yeah, just walk backwards.

Um, so why do we think

it's it's basically to do with the fact that as you walk backwards, you think I'll get smaller, so the mirror will accommodate more of me.

But the logical way of thinking about it is the mirror gets proportionally smaller as well.

So, as you're getting smaller in the mirror, the mirror is getting proportionally smaller,

staying as in it's further away.

Sorry, yeah, so it looks smaller.

So, I guess if you were taking a photograph of somebody, or if you were trying to take in more of a scene or you're sketching and for watercolours or whatever, the further back you go, the more you see.

But it doesn't work for the camera, it doesn't work with it.

It would work with a video camera, right?

Yes.

So if I'm trying to film my own legs,

that's fine.

Or sketch your own legs.

Yeah.

If someone else is trying to film your own legs, then if they walk further and further back, they will accommodate your legs eventually.

It's one of those cute, cute viral things on the internet.

This guy sketched his own legs every day for a year.

Do you know Hawaiian monk seals keep getting eels stuck up their noses?

No, yeah, I saw a photo.

Have you seen the picture?

That's amazing.

Seals and eels.

Seals and eels, yeah.

It's a great double act.

There aren't many of them left, about 1,400, so we don't want them to suffocate the monks.

The monks.

The monks eels.

Right, right.

Yeah.

And.

They suffocate.

They die.

No, they actually don't die.

They're fine.

But we just don't want it happening.

Yeah, you want to keep that.

Sure, yeah.

What's the reason for it?

And presumably the eel hasn't given consent.

No one's interviewed the eels because they're all dead by the time it's happened.

I don't know if it's like an aphixywank game.

Yeah, head first.

So it's just a muffled interview you get out of there.

They're not sure why.

Conservationists suggested two ways it's happened.

Either when seals are foraging around for food in rock crevices and there's an eel in there, it launches itself defensively at the seal and shoots up its nose, maybe.

But they think that's a bit weird because they are really deep in the nose.

Like it takes a minute to pull the full eel all the way out.

Oh my god.

So that's a great

magic trick, isn't it?

Like the handkerchiefs in his pockets.

It is.

There's more eel.

So they think that it's not that.

They think that the seals have swallowed the eels whole and then they've regurgitated them through their nose.

Someone's made them laugh.

Someone's made them laugh.

Wow.

That's awesome.

He was so funny.

I had the anus of an eel poking out of my nose.

He's brilliant.

You'll love him.

It's better than any applause for a comedian.

Eel anuses throughout the audience.

Here we go.

Do you remember on Don't Forget Your Toothbrush, the TV show of the late 90s, early 2000s?

Chris Evans hosted, and they used to do a thing called Superfan, where they had a celebrity and then a superfan and obviously it was they pitted against to see who knew more about the celebrity, the celebrity themselves or the super fan.

Sounds like an absolute stalker's charter.

Well, wasn't it?

Was there a screen between them?

Was there Hannibal Lecture Mask?

Well the prize was that something.

You get to spend a day on your own in their house.

You can wear their skin like a mask.

It was,

yeah, because as far as I remember, I remember one with Barry White and it was some massive fan.

So Barry White gave this woman a handkerchief that he had mopped the sweat from his brow with, which you sort of go, yeah, just hanging onto your favourite celebrity's DNA is I think that's encouraging some questionable behaviour that we shouldn't be.

What giving them sort of your own sweatshirts?

Make your own.

Well you can make your own, can't you, at home?

Make your own Barry White.

Just sell those kids.

Clone your own.

With their sweat.

Can you clone someone from their sweats?

I believe not.

It's just water, isn't it?

Salty water.

You're just going to get a giant human-shaped lump of salty water.

Or somebody else had used it.

You know, Chris Evans had used it to wipe his sweat as well.

And you made an Evans White crossover.

Great version of the fly diabetes.

He comes out.

He's half Chris Evans.

It's the dream man.

Barry Ginger, it would be.

Yes.

Have you guys heard of

Eithelbert's code?

It's an Anglo-Saxon.

Eithelbert.

Great.

It's Ethelbert.

It's definitely an AE at the start of it.

I believe it's pronounced Ethelbert.

Like, my local church in Bolton is St.

Ethelbert's.

But spelled like that, AE.

Well, they got rid of the A.

Well, I'm going to keep on.

Look,

they're all dead.

No one's going to complain.

Eithelbert.

You have to say it like that.

All right.

Ethelbert's.

Might be Athelbert.

This code is a legal encyclopedia from the 7th century.

And it's basically

it has an extensive list of crimes and punishments.

And

normally, for

lots of them are for injuries.

So I just wondered if you could guess which was worth more or less.

Again, you know, it's kind of higher or lower.

Play your Karlsruhe style.

Right.

Knocking out a front tooth.

Okay, so the punishment for this was.

So it's the financial penalty.

I'll give you the final.

Tell us what that is, yeah.

Which is six shillings.

Six shillings, okay.

Yeah.

Okay.

What's that worth these days?

Oh, God.

I mean,

30p?

Yeah, 30p.

It's not a big fine.

It's a few Freddos.

Okay.

Actually, these days it's probably not.

Little finger.

More than a two, for sure.

Front tooth, though.

It's one of the big tooth.

I don't mind.

Little finger, it must be.

Because how do you drink tea otherwise?

Yeah, it's a good point.

It's 11 shillings.

James is right.

Yes.

Makes a lot of sense.

Stabbing a man through his genitals.

More or less than

a finger, yeah.

It does seem like it's more.

It feels like more

is less.

Less?

Really?

Six shillings.

Really?

Yeah.

Really valued the little finger here.

Yeah.

Cranky.

Taking someone's thumbnail.

More or less than stabbing someone through the penis.

Well, oh, okay.

So I think more than stabbing someone through the penis, less than the little finger.

I just, I mean,

it feels like it should be way less, but then we've already established that stabbing someone in the penis is actually positively encouraged.

That's Aufelbert's code, baby.

Why is he gone so specific?

Surely you don't need a separate law for taking someone's thumbnail.

Is it different to taking someone's index fingernail?

Yes, it would be actually, because thumbs and fingers have different values.

The little finger has a different value to the thumb.

All the fingers have different values, I believe.

Yeah.

All right, then, what do you get for taking someone's thumbnail?

How would you even go about doing that?

Three shillings.

Really?

Yeah,

do you think that's cutting the top off or pulling out the whole thing?

Like pliers and then pulling it off, like in torture, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think that's it.

Although it doesn't imply that people went around torturing each other at the time, yeah, you know, with like a menu.

What can we afford to do there?

Yeah, yeah.

I can definitely stab him in the dick, but you can stab him with a dick and take a finger down.

You can't afford to take his little finger, or you can punch him in the nose for three shillings and take one pre-molar,

but not a front tooth.

How much was the stabbing of someone in the genitals?

That was six shillings.

So you can punch someone in the nose twice.

Or stab with a penis.

Yeah, that's a good point yeah

craigy yeah

which would you do

which would i do well it depends what depends what the person's done i wouldn't do either of those things yeah it's implying that actually taking away someone's ability to take the piss out of someone's genitals by removing their little finger is worse than removing their actual genitals because that's the main thing you use your little finger for isn't it what a good point yeah

yeah that's the main thing it's inhumane not to give someone the chance to do that if someone had done that to me let's say, I would probably want to stab that person in the penis and could afford to.

Well, no need to brag.

Sorry.

The advertising yield for this year is 18 shillings.

Okay, that's it.

That's all of our facts.

That is the end of our compilations for a good little while now.

But in the meantime, if you'd like to speak to me, go to Twitter and you'll find me on at James Harkin.

Andy is on at AndrewHunterM, Dan is on at Schreiberland.

And if you'd like to speak to Anna, you can email her at podcast at qi.com.

You can go to no sustainsthafish.com for everything else to do with fish.

And if you go to qi.com/slash fish events, you will specifically get the details of our upcoming tour dates.

We will see you next week with a normal episode.

And until then, enjoy your weekend.

Goodbye.

As a mom, you know your home is where your family learns to love, where your little kids learn who they are, and where your bigger kids remember who they were.

It's where dreams are born and come to life.

Your home deserves a spotlight, and Everlights makes that happen.

Everlights is your permanent external lighting expert.

With Everlights, your home can become a princess castle, a summer oasis, or celebration of even the littlest wins.

And with Everlights' limited time 20% off deal, you'll be the hero of your home and your checkbook.

Let's give your home some color with Everlights.

Go to myEverlights.com to get a free quote today.