422: No Such Thing as The Long Kiss Good Brie

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Hello and welcome to this week's episode of No Such Thing as a Fish.

It is Good Friday, and what does that mean?

Well, it means you probably have a day off work and it means we're going to have a little day off as well because we have got for you this week the second half of our live show compilation.

This is loads of bits from all of our live shows, bits that were too good to go in the original edit, frankly.

Too funny, too stupid, too silly, too getting the facts wrong, too much audience interaction.

We begin with an extremely keen audience and end with, let's say, a less keen audience.

You've got that to look forward to in between loads and loads of facts, loads and loads of fun i really hope you enjoy this and we'll be back with a normal episode of no such thing as a fish next week for now though on with the podcast

Hello

and welcome to another episode of No Such Thing as a Fish, a weekly podcast this week coming to you live from Dublin.

My name is Dan Schriver.

I am sitting here with Anna Tashinsky, Andrew Haram,

Andrew Hunter-Murray, and James Harkin.

And once again, we have gathered round that microphone with our four favorite facts from the last seven days.

And in that particular order, here

we

go.

Starting with fact number one.

Okay,

calm the fuck down, everyone.

It's 7 p.m.

Starting with fact number one, and that is Andy.

My fact is.

You had all that time to prepare.

One, two.

No, still gone.

Wow, all right, well.

Time for fact number two.

Remember, my friend, I think I told you guys once, claimed that he was at a festival and he claimed one night after being missing the whole night, came back, he said, I had an amazing sleep last night.

I found a pillow that I used.

It was a soft rock.

And everyone's like, what?

He was like, I swear to God, I slept on a soft rock.

It was the softest rock ever.

No one believed him, and he talked about it for all morning.

And he eventually said, I'm sick of taking crap for this.

I'm going to show you the soft rock.

So he took everyone to the field that he fell asleep in.

And he went, there, there's the soft rock.

And what they discovered was it was a hardened cow pat

that

was shell-like and it just slightly dented to the shape of his head when he laid on it

he was like oh

it's like the shroud of charin of this guy's face isn't it

i thought that was going to be a convoluted joke where he led you to the field and the eagles were playing as you went to sleep but no

that will put you to sleep Tell everyone what happened to you the other day when you opened up your door and you were wearing no such thing as a fish t-shirt.

Oh, I was wearing a, I've got a

fish hoodie and I opened the door.

It was a guy from Amazon and he said, no such thing as a fish.

I like that.

And I said, oh, do you listen?

And he said, no,

no.

What?

And he just said, I keep fish.

And I thought, that's good.

So, oh, yeah.

And he said, what is it?

I said, it's nothing.

Shut up.

Go away.

If you kind of make plot plants and put plants in pots, you can die.

There was someone who died quite recently in the last 10 years of a brain-eating amoeba that they caught from a pot plant.

But don't let the name worry you.

It's actually not a true amoeba.

It's a shape-shifting amoebo flagellate excavate.

There's a woman who has made a website.

She's called, I've actually only written down her first name, which is Avril.

So find her.

She's, oh no, she's called Avril Shepherd, sorry.

And she's made a website of every single weird festival in Britain.

And she has gone to as many as she possibly can.

She's been doing 10, 11 years.

So, and she's gone and personally reviewed them.

And so you can click on any day of the year and get every single weirdo festival.

So

I was in February, I got to late February, and I was reading about the Rhubarb Festival in Wakefield, where you can get a tour of the forcing sheds, which is where they force rhubarb, which I always think is a really aggressive term for what is just quite an innocuous thing to do.

And so, I was reading about the rhubarb festival.

I thought I won't go to that.

And then in March, there's the Slaithwaite Moonraking Festival.

And this is related to this legend in this place where basically the locals tried to fish the moon out of the lake, but they didn't really.

They just did it to trick the locals.

Google it.

To trick the police.

Anyway, this moonraking festival is a huge deal, very exciting.

And Avril was like, it's brilliant.

It's so fun.

There's a big parade through the streets.

There's a moon arriving by barge.

I did go in 2013, although no one turned up that year because all the moon rakers had defected to the rhubarb festival at Wakefield.

Can't be that fucking good, Avril.

He had been an absolute millionaire because of all these artichokes he was selling.

Three or four years later, he was gone, completely penniless.

And that was just like one week's work by LaGuardia.

Yeah,

sorry?

He was Artie broke, I believe, was the last

submission from the work.

Very nice.

Very nice indeed.

Definitely worth it, that.

Well done.

Good choice.

This guy knows our level.

Come on.

Yeah.

That was good news.

But apparently, in their breaks, this lady, this MI5 employee, said, the girl guide retires to her attractive little sitting room where she converses on high topics with her friends.

She said that they would be, they took their jobs very seriously, as you can imagine.

And she said, their function is to snub you when you seek to penetrate beyond the sacred portals of their office.

I think snubbing is called for under those circumstances.

Craig, can you say that again?

The portals of their office?

Well, if you seek to penetrate through the portals of their office, and if you're hearing anything other than a metaphor there, then that is your problem and not the girl guides.

No, it sounds like Stargate.

I have, um, I read a little about the Texas Mosquito Festival just because they've got a mascot, you know, someone in a huge mosquito costume.

The name of the mascot is Willy Manchu.

Willie Manchu.

That's funny.

Yeah.

Is it?

Yeah.

Well, Manchu, I get.

Oh, Willie Manchu, yes, he will.

It's the mosquito pantomime.

Wait, wait, what?

What?

What is he?

Yoga?

What kind of sense instruction?

I just found another level on that joke.

Because honestly, I was just thinking the word Willie's quite funny.

Yeah.

I think we've talked before about how you attract bees to sort of make them sit on you, and you do it by hanging the queen bee next to your face, basically, in a little bee cage.

Yeah, and so they have a festival to say you can wear the most bees, and it's pretty impressive.

That's seriously impressive because getting a queen bee is quite hard because there's a lot of bees to work out which one she is, right?

To begin with, I think it's quite obvious which one the queen is.

Is it?

She's got a massive crown.

Yeah.

No.

Not everything makes it into the final edit.

That goes into the legally contentious outtakes file.

I got such a big laugh.

I think it's got to stay.

Yeah.

Anyway.

Be wearing.

Be wearing.

Be wearing.

Can we just take a second just to let everyone recover?

Move on from libelous claims that definitely will never make it to air.

Sometimes they have spies in the competitions, which is incredibly exciting.

Sometimes it's happened vanishingly rarely.

But in 1988, there was a woman called Michelle Anderson who infiltrated Miss California.

This was so.

That's disgusting.

Sorry.

Is that the talent round?

She secretly entered Miss California.

I got it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, she had been trying to get into a few different beauty pageants so that she could basically make a feminist statement.

And she'd done badly.

She'd failed a few times.

She never thought she was especially good looking or anything like this.

But she realized that

what they were looking for, in effect.

And so she did months of dieting, training, tanning, feigning the beliefs, you know, really...

giving the impression that she was a fully paid-up member of this thing.

And then,

at Miss California, she was in the absolute final.

And seconds before the winner was announced, she got a silk banner out from her cleavage and unfurled it to say pageants hurt all women and started waving it around us, then was rattled off stage.

But she'd been through months and months and months of kind of deep cover training to get to this point.

That's like miss congeniality, isn't it?

It is like miscongeniality, which is a fucking good film.

It is

an amazing film, yeah.

So good.

Sandra Bolo.

There's definitely no sequel.

Rubbish.

Have you guys heard of Yuichiro Miura?

No, he has.

So he is a sportsman.

He's Japanese.

He was the oldest person in the world to climb Mount Everest.

He climbed at age 70.

Then, five years after that, he did it again at the age of 75.

He's done it again at the age of 80.

I remember this guy.

And he keeps breaking his own record, doesn't he?

Like 80, 85, and 90.

And that always reminds me of, you know, when you do video games and you race your own ghost from the previous time that you set a record.

And I, you know, you do that.

Which one's that?

Which game's that?

I feel like.

Like in Dilly Kong Racing, you do that.

So

you've set a record.

I think it's one player mode, Anna.

Sometimes my friends didn't want to come around.

I like the way that it's like, you know, when you play video games, you only played one video game and it's Diddy Kong Racing.

And video games have moved on quite a bit since then.

Is there no more racing your own ghost?

Look, this guy, he's 150.

He knows what I'm talking about.

He remembers Diddy Kong.

And I just like to think that you're Ivor S and you're overtaking your own ghost.

and then it overtakes you.

Wouldn't that be cool?

Yeah, yeah, it'd be good.

But that's not what happens at it.

Remember, I did that with a fish gig.

We had to email everyone coming to the gig saying, sorry, the time has changed for the gig.

What?

And for some reason, you idiots let me do it.

And I you CC'd.

I CC'd everyone at the gig, yeah.

And it was just after there was this whole movement about, you know, people's privacy and stuff.

It was literally like the fucking next day after that happened.

It's not, it wasn't a movement, it it was a law.

That was horrific.

I thought, yeah, I thought I was going to jail.

It was scary.

Welsh droving was a huge deal, wasn't it?

Because basically, lots of animals farmed in Wales, not that many animals farmed, or not as many in the centre of England,

where there was lots more wealthy people, sadly, in medieval and pre-industrial times, who wanted to buy all the meat from Wales.

So the huge droving industry.

And the thing I love the most is that there's between Anglesey and Wales, there's the Menais Strait, which is sort of, well, it's a straight, and

at its thinnest, it's a straight.

Great.

But confusingly, it's a bit wiggly.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's not a straight straight.

I never said that.

It's about 200 meters wide at its narrowest.

And at that point, drovers would not only drive, they would swim cattle

and pigs.

And so they jump in the water with the castle and the pigs, and they all swim them over.

Now, I don't know how you heard, you know, 800 pigs while you're also trying to swim across 200 meters of quite fast-flowing water, but they did it until 1827.

They did it, and they did it in their pajamas, and they got a brick from the bottom of the pool.

It was very impressive.

Yeah,

that was, yeah, swimming proficiency was tougher in those days.

What do you reckon is the most unread emails anyone's got or had?

Oh, you see their pictures on, you know,

100,000.

You know, no, more than that, at least.

4,294,967,257 unread emails.

A guy called Joey Manansala from America.

It's Boris Johnson.

They're all from Sue Gray saying, Where are you?

Need talk now.

But apparently, if you don't reply, if you like to leave a lot of emails unread in your email thing, it means that you might be well adjusted.

And the reason being that the emails are from someone else wanting you to do something.

So if you're doing the things that are important to you instead of things that are important to other people, it might be that you've got the balance right.

It's like getting the balance right.

Always doing things that are important to you rather than things that are important to other people.

You know, in that election,

that elected Churchill in 51, do you know that the Labour government in that election got more votes, more people's votes, than in any winning or losing party in any election before or until 1992.

So, the Labour government, Labour, sorry, Labour got more of the popular vote than the Tories, which does sometimes happen, as we know.

But the Tories won.

But isn't that extraordinary?

They got more votes than anyone had ever got before and lost it.

Yeah.

It's a kick in the face.

You might as well have got none.

The first parody I found of Conan Doyle was an article in the newspaper by someone called Donan Coyle

in 1888.

This was in a newspaper in Portsmouth.

And what happened was, this is really early in Conan Dahl's time.

He had written an article called On the Geographical Distribution of British Intellect.

And he came up with this theory that people who lived in the south were really good at poetry, music, and art, and people who lived in the north were really good at theology, science, and engineering.

Makes sense, because in the north you're closer to God.

You suck up.

It's just higher up, isn't it?

But when you read the article, Conan Doan's original, he's really throwing us northern as a bit of a bone.

He's basically saying how great the south is.

And so this person who is Donan Coyle wrote about Hampshire.

And he said, because Hampshire's so far south, he said, the soot in Hampshire is smuttier than any other soot.

The grass of Hampshire is greener than jealousy itself.

The cats of Hampshire are paragons of cats.

They catch more mice, breed more kittens, purr more softly than any other cats in creation.

The fleas of Hampshire are the finest fleas of the species.

They are more bloodthirsty, have greater powers of suction, skip more nimbly, and are caught less easily than any other fleas in Britain.

I still don't want to visit Hampshire based on this.

I don't know if I want the smottiest soot.

What?

Is that soot that watches porn?

Yeah, I was reading about this amazing woman called Mieko Nagaoka, who has just retired, actually, from a swimming career, which has been a 25-year-long swimming career.

And she broke 18 world records, and she started swimming in her early 80s.

So she's 100% aware of it.

She must have won beaten world records of her age group.

No, just fastest in the world.

80, 90.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah, I think of her age group.

And she's pretty cocky about it.

She published a book aged 100, the title of which was the catchy, I'm 100 years old and the world's best active swimmer.

Wow.

Wow.

So impressive stuff.

But yeah, she has retired now because at 105, 106, you've got to spend some time with your family.

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There was a famous guy called Chris Robinson.

He was kind of a little bit famous.

He was in a soap opera in America called General Hospital.

He played Dr.

Rick Webber, and he invested around $100,000 in beanie babies, which is basically all of his kids' college money.

And he went completely, he lost every penny.

But on the plus side, he does now have 20,000 beanie babies.

Yeah.

What a huge comfort that must be, given his children don't speak to him anymore.

So presumably, he can't even give the grandchildren the beanie babies.

He used to take his kids to McDonald's in order to get the beanie babies.

And one of their friends, one of their buddies, had to go to hospital because they were feeling so sick of the amount of McDonald's that Chris Robinson and the kids speculate that he wasn't sick, he just was so sick of actually eating the McDonald's.

He would rather be in hospital than he would be at another McDonald's.

You don't have to eat all the happy meals.

This is a bit like at Christmas, we hide coins in the Christmas pudding, and it's to incentivize you to eat it.

And you have to eat all the pudding before you get the coin.

But was he doing a similar thing?

You don't, did McDonald's say you have to eat the happy meal?

We've hidden the beanie baby in the heart of the burger.

Kiddlywink was also a word for a child.

Kiddlywink.

Yeah, kiddy wink.

No, but supposedly

kiddley wink wasn't just like a cute name.

It was someone who had suggest there was someone who suggested a Kiddly Wink, the Kiddly Wink bars that open.

And his name was Kiddly Wink.

Come on, Dan.

First name Kiddly, second name Wink.

Yeah, that's the story.

Hang on, sorry, sorry.

What was a Kiddly Wink?

A bar.

Yeah, they were places you would go for alcohol, so an alcohol shop.

And they were opened by someone who was called Kiddly.

Wink, yeah.

Yeah, but you got listeners.

I don't believe it.

Sainsbury's is named after someone called Sainsbury.

Yeah.

It's not crazy.

There might be someone called Mr.

Kiddly Wink.

And also, Meatloaf, who's passed away, turns out it's meatloaf.

It's to Mr.

Loaf.

That's his second name.

Yeah, but he didn't invent a meatloaf for that.

No, no, but the meatloaf is obviously one word, right?

And I always thought meatloaf was one word.

It's not.

It's meatloaf.

Mr.

Loaf is M.

Loaf.

No.

Yeah.

Hang on.

So does his parents call him meat?

No, it's not his real name.

But he decided with the suit.

It's his real surname.

He was born Pete Loaf.

Yeah, yeah.

Just quickly on the drink porter.

You know,

the drink, a porter.

A bit of an old-fashioned one, but it does come from being a drink for porters.

And it was because in like London porters were a huge deal until the end of the 19th century when everything completely changed.

And they used to get so many of their calories from beer.

So it was estimated that in the 18th century, a manual worker would get about 2,000 calories a day that they needed in their working life from beer.

And all pubs would have benches outside with tables next to them for the porters to dump their stuff on.

And

they would have an initiation ritual.

There's a thing in the ship tavern, which people might know.

It's near Lincoln's Inn Fields in London, near Hoban.

And that was where the porters union would always hang out and they go to pick up their pay and everything.

And the initiation ritual when someone became a a porter was that you'd have the badge of office dropped into a mug of strong ale and you had to extract it with your teeth without spilling any.

Cool.

Yeah, you had to get it out of a thing of ale without spilling any.

Well, I think you would drink the drink and then at the bottom you kind of get it with your mouth, right?

I was thinking you had to like bob for it in a pine glass but not get any beer out of the glass.

I think they just didn't make glasses like that.

No one's face is that shape.

I live for the day that you're on Taskmaster Randy.

Drink this glass of beer.

I'm just shoving my face in it if I go on to do it.

So

carp, did you hear that in 2012,

scientists at the University of Manchester made a magic carpet, which is very exciting.

Yeah.

Not a classic magic carp, they made one which's the name of a Pokemon, do you know?

Is it?

Magic carp, yeah?

Is it does it have a magic carpet?

It's like a pathetic little fish that flops around.

Can it fly?

No, it can barely swim.

Why is it called magic up?

Like magic carpet?

Because it's like a carp, but it's magic.

I understand.

Every day's a school day.

Yeah.

This is reminding me of my school days a lot.

Well, I also knew jack shit about Pokemon.

We've got to move on in a second to our next bag.

I've got one other thing that's banned in New York.

This is about baby eye stroke.

So in 1974, nunchucks were banned in New York.

Sounds reasonable.

Well,

maybe, but it's the home of the Ninja Turtles.

And you think that will have some plan.

It's not in 1974, it wasn't.

Yeah.

Good point.

But also, they're always, the police are always after the Ninja Turtles.

So

are they?

Yeah.

I didn't think.

Well, vigilantes, you know, they're doing it without permission of the police force.

I'm just to go kick up with you.

But basically,

this ban lasted for more than 40 years, and it was struck down in 2018.

So nunchucks are now allowed in New York.

Great news if you're planning to go.

But they were struck down thanks to one guy, one nunchuck nut called James Maloney, who loved his nunchucks and had been arrested in 1981 for doing a public demonstration.

And he went to court saying he wanted them.

And the judge said, okay, I think you're fine.

And James Maloney's argument was basically, these are so crap that they're not not a proper threat to life and limb.

He said, if you're going to commit a crime, your weapon of choice would not be these two sticks.

And the judge agreed and lifted the ban.

Wow.

That's a heartening story of citizen power to get nunchucks.

Right.

That's cool.

I'd be so suspicious.

If someone's born that garage for 40 years, I've been thinking, I bet there's got to be something dangerous about these things.

I have nunchucks.

I made some myself because I made some.

Yeah, well, because in Hong Kong, I did karate as a kid and I learned nunchucks and I always thought they they were a really cool thing.

And so you know how sometimes people keep a thing by the bed just in case a robot.

A robber.

Like a

took.

To protect yourself and your family.

So I keep nunchucks by the side of my bed.

Okay.

Yeah.

And when I was

When I was dating

my now wife, there was a night where she thought someone broke into the house and then we heard the door go.

And I leapt up out of bed and I grabbed the nunchucks and I stood on the bed with the nunchucks looking at the door.

Still on the bed.

And Fenella was so confused by that

that we forgot about the possible robber and just had a chat about why are you holding nunchucks

on the bed?

And it was because I was saving our lives.

That's the answer.

Wow.

The robber heard at the door and went, I'm not getting involved in this.

I'm out guys, it's cool.

Oh, just another silly Japanese saying.

My friend told me, so my friend's actually making a documentary in Japan in like rice paddy fields in the middle of nowhere.

And she was, and she's Japanese, but she came across a saying that she'd never heard of when she was talking to a guy who was helping his neighbor plow his field.

And so she said, why are you doing that?

He's your neighbor.

And he said,

it's very important.

It's my duty.

You must never forget your duty or your fundoshi.

And your fundoshi is like

the pants that sumo wrestlers wear.

It's like a very old-fashioned kind of pants, like a loincloth thing.

And so she said, well,

that's a weird saying.

What's that?

He's like, yeah, yeah, it's an old saying.

And he's this really somber, and she's filmed.

He's this very serious, very dry, doesn't really say anything, old guy.

And he just said, yeah, if you don't have your Fundoshi, everyone can see your Willie.

Your duty is just the same.

I read this cool story.

A guy called Steve Robertson, he bought a house in 2018 and the tenant was still living on the property so the tenant then moved out in 2019 and Steve tried to claim five thousand six one hundred and sixty six dollars off of the um the old tenant um because he said that in the time between him buying and the tenant leaving the tenant had moved a ten ton rock onto the property And he was like, I didn't buy this rock.

I don't know why it's here.

And she said, well, I didn't put this rock there.

This was always there.

You just didn't see the massive 10-ton rock.

He He said, I think I would have seen a 10-ton rock.

And so she produced photos from 2016 saying, here's the 10-ton rock.

And he said, hmm, I'm pretty sure you hired a crane.

So he denied the evidence.

He claimed that she hired a crane that, once having sold the house, then imported a 10-ton rock onto the property for no good reason whatsoever, other than to maybe just, I don't know, play a prank on him.

Was she reading a copy of a 2016 newspaper with a recognizable event?

Like

let Leicester win the premiership or whatever with the rock in the background?

No, because there's time stamping on a lot of digital photos.

Yep, that's a better idea.

Good point.

Good point.

God.

Wait, whose side are we on?

I don't know who's right.

I think she's right, because she's got evidence there was a massive 10-ton rock on the property that he bought.

No, but why would he have not seen the rock?

Okay, I don't know why you're on his side.

2016 was the year of Brexit and Trump, and I picked, as an event that happened in it, Leicester winning the premiership.

I don't even like football.

I actually think the only thing I'll remember is this rock star.

Did you read about this story?

In 2018, there was a court where the jury had to read all 218 pages of a book called Behind the Artichokes.

Okay.

And this apparently, so the judge in this case said they thought it was the first time since Lady Chastley's lover that the jury had been asked to read an entire book to decide on a case.

The case in this instance was basically this massive ramp between three sisters, and this woman, Gillian Leadon, had written this book behind the artichokes, laying into her other two sisters, accusing them of stealing from their mother and abusing their mother, which it seems like they weren't.

And she sent this book to the vicar and to the local councillors and you know, to every man and his dog.

And yeah, to decide who was in the wrong, then the entire jury had to sit down and read behind the artichokes, self-published book.

And it contains apparently it contains details of one of the sisters' bowel movements.

So

she calls the other sister a hippopotamus.

So

I don't know where it stands in the Lady Chastale's Lover sort of hierarchy, but maybe it's worth it.

It doesn't sound quite as sexy, does it?

You've definitely not,

you've buried the lead if it's as sexy as Lady Chatterley's Lover.

I think it depends what you're into.

I've got 10 copies.

A Nobel Prize went to these guys called Paul Lauterbur and Peter Mansfield in 2003 for developing MRI technology, basically.

But there's a guy called Raymond DeMadian who says that he invented it and he should have got the Nobel.

And it caused this huge ruckus.

I mean, often there's a lot of people involved in scientific discoveries, various bits of the process.

The Nobel Committee decided Peter and Paul, maybe because it's biblical,

they should get it because they contributed the most.

And Raymond, immediately after the Nobel Prize was awarded, took out a series of full-page ads in the New York Times, the Washington Post, and the LA Times that cost him hundreds of thousands of dollars, all saying things like, shameful wrong that must be righted.

You know, person who invented MRI robbed of their Nobel Prize.

They did what they did, fully knowing the evil of what they were doing.

Wow.

The main reason he didn't get it is there's...

There are different innovations that happened.

It's the MRI scanner that was given the Nobel Prize.

He was part of the MR scanning, I believe.

That's right.

And so, yeah, so he's, but he's very pissed off.

And yeah.

What's the

MRI?

The eye is for imaging.

So he just did a scan, but he didn't tell anyone what he saw.

But you haven't.

There is an even more advanced version, the MRI eye scanner, but that's only for sailors and pirates at the moment.

So that's.

Jesus Christ.

I'm Sean Ryan, showrunner of the night agent here with Eric Kripke, showrunner of the boys.

And on this episode of Creator to Creator, we talk about the craziness of making a TV show.

Listen to Creator to Creator, wherever you get your podcasts.

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Well, it used to be that you would give every other bit of clothing back.

Oh, but you got to keep the pants.

Yeah, you kept your pants and socks, but then, yeah, but then, you know, it's been a hard time in the pandemic and they haven't been able to get their hands on extra underwear for a while.

Oh, like a pants demic, that's what I'm hearing.

Oh, come on, Andy.

I don't know why I keep doing this.

I'm trying to make the edit hard for you.

Sorry.

Woodpeckers are just storing more and more of these acorns.

They will use sometimes not just trees, but there's a lot of wooden lampposts around there.

And they'll find that, and they won't notice it necessarily to begin with.

People who work, they'll just find the lamppost is acting a bit weird.

And they will be storing it all the way through there.

People's houses if they have a lamp post.

Sorry, I was a what is a weird acting lamppost?

Darling, I think the lamppost looked at me pretty funny today.

Starting saying some freaky shit.

Yeah, good point.

I mean, it's, yeah.

So then the other thing I was going to say was the

houses as well, like a lot of people's houses, there are garages and so on.

And there's a professor who was asked about it saying, what can we do?

Surely there's like some kind of like, you know, bear piss that we can put around here.

Do you know how you buy on, we bought some off Amazon the other day.

It was really weird.

Yeah, we just foxes around our area and someone went, you should get some tiger piss and bear piss, and you can buy that.

Did you buy it?

Well, we've bought some, but it hasn't arrived yet.

But yeah, it's they're still milking the tiger, aren't they?

But so, like, you'd think there would be stuff that you could use, but um, Walter Koenig, who's a senior scientist at Cornell Lab of Ornithology, was asked about it.

And his advice was you've got a simple three-point plan.

Move out of your house, bulldoze it, and rebuild it in stucco.

Which.

What's stucco?

I should have read up what that word is.

A building material that's not wood.

Great.

Yes.

Yeah.

It's kind of a matter of time.

If you don't want to flatten your home, I have read that you can tie helium balloons around the area that's being saused.

And lift the house away.

Yeah, like up.

I think it puts them off the colours.

It ruins the aesthetic of a house.

It looks like you've constantly got a tacky children's birthday party going on.

Or a cool adult birthday party.

Sure.

Do you want to hear the most underpants anyone's ever had on?

Most pairs of underpants.

Yeah, okay.

Have a guess.

Okay, well, the other day we were talking and we found out the maximum number of socks that anyone's wore on one foot.

Yes, we've got to watch that.

Do you remember what that was, Dan?

It was 152, but then I think someone broke the record by putting on 180.

So 180 socks.

I reckon it would be similar for pants.

180 pairs of pants.

I'll tell you.

Wouldn't, hang on.

I'm going to say 280.

I'm gonna say 98.

Thank you anyone

No one cares

Okay, I'll put us all out of our misery

302

he broke the record in 2011 when he donned 211 pairs of pants 200 pairs of pants imagine the pressure at the heart of that

like a black hole yeah yeah you think you could spontaneously combust at that point inside?

I think so.

He then auditioned for Britain's Got Talent.

I'm afraid I don't know how far he got in the process.

He lost the record, and that's when he got mad and he decided to get even.

And he re-broke his own record, or rather, the broken record, in 2012.

And he said, putting on all those pants is harder than it looks because you're carrying an incredible weight.

But the crowd really spurred me on and kept me going.

And he said, my wife, Jacqueline, helps me out with this one by getting all the pants ready and helping me get them on, but she doesn't like the limelight as much as I do.

you know um in a previous episode we spoke about the festival of Britain and the Festival of Britain is actually the sort of the origin of all of these miss world miss usa miss america all those things that happened um and it was this guy who was called eric morley and he was trying to work out how to add something to the festival of britain which was this thing that took place in 1951 it was this big event in london but wait that was after all those contests Yeah, so this was the first Miss World.

So they'd already had Miss America and stuff, but this was the first Miss World.

Yes, sorry, sorry.

I got that wrong.

This was the first Miss World.

And actually, actually, it was only accidentally the first Miss World because it was a bikini competition, but foreigners were part of it.

And they were like, oh, I guess this is a global event.

Like, it was just meant to be a local event, basically.

It wasn't advertising itself as that.

But thank God, because the Brazilians are hotter than we are.

Well, it was won by someone from Sweden, Kirsten Kiki Hackenson.

And yeah.

The Swedes are also hotter than we are.

But Eric Morley, they crowned the person.

It's the only Miss World or Miss America or anyone who was crowned in a bikini because it was part of a bikini.

She was condemned by the Pope for having done it.

It was a very bad thing to be representing your country in a bikini.

But Eric Morley then went on to invent cum dancing for TV.

So when you watch Strictly Come Dancing or Dancing with the Stars, that's Eric Morley.

So he invented cum dancing before it was filmed.

He put it on TV.

Casually come dancing.

Casual, yeah.

Loose come dancing.

Wow.

It was amazing that Festival of Britain as far as women are concerned and objectifying and stuff like that because they had a cinema there, the Tele Cinema, and they only hired red-headed usherettes because they had a green uniform and they thought it would look good with the uniform to have red hair.

Fair.

Just seems unnecessary.

I mean, it it was all black and white.

What was the point of...

What, everything in the world was black and white in 1951?

Guys, sorry to cut us off, but

we're going to have to end the show in a second.

I just want to talk about the fact that Andy thinks that the whole world was black and white in the 1950s.

I've seen the footage.

There was an emblem of the festival.

It was a red, white, and blue image of Britannia's head over the top of a compass.

And this emblem was everywhere at the time.

It was on spoons, it was on cartoons, it was on flower beds, it was on pub signs, it was everywhere.

But one place it was as well was quite amazing.

It was 604 gallstones that had been removed from a patient, and they coloured them and put them in the shape of the emblem, and then they displayed it at the festival.

One patient.

One patient.

Same person.

604.

They're quite small.

Yes.

Right, but like someone in the audience has gone yes to the news that they're they're quite small.

The voice of experience over there.

I mean, wow.

Yeah.

What a patriotic man.

What a cool thing to do.

Yeah.

Shout them out.

He must have been walking around and they were just rattling around inside of him, wasn't they?

Do you think he was holding them in for the festival?

He'd have them for decades.

Mr.

Smith, we're only on 590 gallstones.

I'm afraid we need some more.

Please drink this gall.

Completely clear on the

mechanism.

And that, you know, sometimes, you know, like Oasis, they broke up because I think Liam threw a banana or something at Noel.

It was a piece of fruit.

Like, you know, sometimes it comes down to a very tiny moment.

And in Gilbert and Sullivan's case, it was a carpet.

So they were doing a show, and part of the preliminary costs that came in that they were charged for, and this was a show called The Gondoliers, was charged for carpet for the front of the house, of the actual theater.

And I think it was Sullivan who freaked out about it.

No, sorry, it was Gilbert who freaked out about it saying they've charged us for this carpet and Sullivan didn't care and then there was a bit of a silence and Gilbert wrote back going I can't believe you don't care about this whole carpet thing and then that led to them no feels like there might have been underlying issues.

Well underlying issues more like

that was a sarcastic cheer, wasn't it?

That was a tired audience.

I won't do it again.

All right.

Well, hey, just while we're on detectives and mysteries with cheese theft,

I discovered, and I found this when I was trying to look for great detective books, that there's a whole series of cheese shop mysteries that have been read.

And they're modern-day books written by someone called Avery Ames.

And basically, the premise is someone opens up a cheese shop.

and a lot of murders happen and the cheese shop owner I believe is the person who's solving them and every single title of the book has a pun in its name.

So, let me

see who can get there first

on the following titles.

So, I'll give you the name of, let's say, the actual quote, the phrase, and you've got to convert it into cheese.

So, to be or not to be.

To be.

To be honest,

give us a hard one.

Okay, that was an easy one.

Okay, slightly hard one.

Lost and found.

This is a hard one.

Mix up the word found a bit and you can get the.

Lost and fondu.

Absolutely correct.

For better or worse.

For better or worse?

For better or worse.

Absolutely worse.

Come on.

I would suggest a rewrite with Professor Goodwin.

Sorry, James, because you've got to think like this also.

Two more.

As good as dead.

As good or as dead.

Yes, absolutely.

And last one, let's see if the audience can get it.

The long kiss goodbye.

The long cheese goodbye?

The long kiss goodbreed?

Alright me, we're nearly done.

I'm sorry, I chumped a gun.

I know that was your turn.

I know we've been doing all the talking.

It's a chit, the long quiche goodbye.

I didn't even get it right.

I gotta fuck off for my wife.

I didn't even get it right.

Wow.

Well,

it's what you get if you come to Newcastle.

Okay, that is it.

That is all of our facts.

Thank you so much for listening.

If you would like to get in contact with any of us about the things that we've said over the course of this podcast, we can all be found on our Twitter accounts.

I'm on at Schreiberland.

Anna?

You were there.

You were there.

Andy?

At Anna Taczinski.

No!

Really excited.

Can't wait to be joining a lot of stuff

at Andrew Hunter M, James.

At James Harkin.

And Anna.

You can email podcast at QI.com.

It's a good email address.

Thank you for listening.

We'll be back again next week with another episode.

We'll see you all then.

Goodbye.

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