No Such Thing As Enough Money For Comic Relief

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Hi everyone, welcome to a very special mini little episode of No Such Thing as a Fish.

Now, if you remember, last week we said we were about to do a 20-hour podcast with 35 incredible guests.

And guess what?

We did it.

Thank you so much to those people who joined us, the crazy people who stayed up for the whole 20 hours.

I don't know what you think you were doing, but anyone who came to any of those sections and especially anyone who donated, thank you so, so much.

So far, we have made over £150,000

for comic relief, some of the best causes around the world, but we want to to do better and the way that we can do that is by you guys catching up with all 35 sections because we are putting them on youtube this episode that you're about to hear is a little taster of our conversation with richard osman the host of pointless house of games best-selling author really hope you enjoy it if you want to hear the full thing you can hear that on our youtube page where over the next two weeks we will be putting up all of the sections, maybe three a day, something like that, and that will be chats with people like Michael Palin, with people like Stephen Fry, Sandy Toxvig, Shappikor Sandy, um, Carrie Mulligan, who you might have heard has just been nominated for a little bit of an Oscar this week, uh, Richard Curtis.

There was an amazing bit where Tim Minchin did a song for us.

Honestly, each one of those sections is so much fun in its own way, and the way that you can watch any one of those will be to go to qi.com slash comic relief.

If you're thinking well oh I don't want to listen to those incredibly talented and funny people I just want to give money to comic relief well you can do that as well and to do that you go to comicrelief.com slash fish that will take you to our just giving page and honestly if you can spare as little as five pounds it will make such a massive difference to people all around the world especially in a year when charities have really really been struggling due to coronavirus.

Anyway, I really hope you enjoy this little chat with Richard

and I suppose on with the podcast.

Welcome back, everyone.

It is time to move on to our next guest.

And boy, do we have an exciting one.

We have someone who is, I guess, the biggest biggest quizzing personality on TV.

You'll know him from House of Games, you'll know him from Pointless.

But just as a sort of side project, he's also become the best-selling fictional author to have a debut book out in the history of books.

That's his kind of side plate of things that he does.

You'll know it as the Thursday Murder Club.

We're so excited to have him here for fact number eight.

It is Mr.

Richard Osman.

How are you?

We are good.

How is it going so far?

Great.

We've raised £45,000

since going, which is very exciting.

We had a target of £35,000, so we've exceeded that.

And

yeah, if all your fans watching now

can contribute as well, we would be hugely grateful.

We'd be on £45,150.

Well, let's get into it.

We understand you brought a fact, so it's time for fact fact number eight, and that is Richard Olsman.

I have brought a fact, and it's Who Wants to be a Millionaire-related for reasons we won't get onto.

But my fact is, the man who wrote the theme tune to Who Wants to be a Millionaire also wrote Mistletoe and Wine.

Really?

Wine.

A gentleman called Keith Strachan.

He's been around for years and years.

He's a musician, musical director, all sorts of things like that.

Wrote Mistletoe and Wine for a musical, funny enough.

Cliff took hold of it, so he won an Ivan Abello for it.

But for years, also wrote theme music for Cellador.

So we'd do lots of ill-remembered shows like talking telephone numbers.

And then, you know, one day gets the call saying that we're doing this pilot in a couple of days' time.

It's this thing called Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

We're not happy with the song we've got, which was written by Pete Waterman, Stock Atheon and Waterman.

So we're not happy with it.

Is there anything you can do?

He sat down with his son.

put something together, lots of sort of strings and stuff like that.

A couple of days later, pilot goes out.

That song has probably made him tens of millions I was

a millionaire theme tune in the history of television.

Did they use the same theme tune around the world?

Yeah.

Oh, really?

Wow.

Millionaire and Weakest League, one of those shows that was always done as a kit of parts.

I.e.,

you buy the look, you buy the set, you buy the graphics, you buy the music, which isn't always the case.

So, yeah, every time it's played in America, every time it's played in Appleby John, Keith Strachan is

that song, like the Millionaire theme, it's not

that melodic, is it?

Well, that's the thing.

You couldn't whistle it, right?

No, exactly.

It's like...

But I've heard that you are meant to be able to sing along to it.

And I can just about get the who wants to be, wants to be a millionaire.

And I don't know if I'm singing the right bit to the right.

I don't think it's far with the switch.

But what I do know is you've just made Keith Specken seven and a half pence.

That part of it is based on the musical song who wants to be a millionaire, isn't it?

I think it's the other part that he who sang that.

I don't, I kind of know that song when you say

it's a real oldie, it's like a cold

era.

I thought it's from Fiddler on the Roof or something, but someone in the chat will know what it's from, I'm sure.

Yes, it's a less slick when you're live.

I know.

Normally, we have Sandy Toxic telling us these things.

This was the podcast, you'd have Anna saying exactly where that came from.

Yeah, you don't know.

We shut down our computers.

I have to ring up my mum and ask her the answer to the question.

Yeah.

That pilot of Who Wants to be a Millionaire.

Actually, the first episode that went out, I think the pilot was broadcast,

it got 46% of the total TV audience at the time.

And I mean, it was so huge.

Chris Terrence said the day after the first episode went out, someone shouted at him from a passing lorry, phone a friend, and he said that happened every day for the next 15 years of his life.

Oh, God.

as a push show host, you barely go through three shows without someone looking nervous if they don't know an answer and saying, Can I phone a friend?

It's the goat.

Like, when you sit in the make-up chair, uh, as well, so if you're if you're a new contestant, you sit in a make-up chair, this is just if anyone ever goes on a quiz.

Every single man, nervous, of course, sits down and says, Short back in sides, please.

Every single one, and there's poor makeup artists happening.

So many people watching who would have been one of those people, Richard,

crying into their

but I would do it as well.

You know, you're nervous.

Yeah.

So, Richard, do you get like people shouting things at you in the street, like Central African Republic or what are the things?

People always just shout pointless to me in the street.

I'm aware that other people walking past who might not know who I am.

have just seen someone point this out of the window of a van.

I think I get most after pointless.

honestly what i used to these days it's it's it's the book and it's house against but the thing i think i used to get more as much as pointless is people saying oh countdown you're the guy

really

we

zandra and i you know who do they sorry rich who do they think they think you're susie dent or

i think i know i don't think they really can come on countdown i think you have been on countdown a couple of times so maybe they just really like that episode maybe

so got hundreds of millions of viewers around the world

Xander wants to literally introduce the show.

I'm Alexander Armstrong and welcome to Countdown.

Why not?

I know it's a showy toasting, but the reason he did it is because he auditioned for Countdown.

And we were genuinely thinking, because you know, he's obviously a brilliant comic actor and was doing have I Got News for You all the time.

And we thought, oh, he'll never do a daytime show.

And then we got some info that he was doing an audition for Countdown.

And we thought, well, if he's up for doing that, then perhaps he'd be up for doing our show.

And so literally off the back of that, we thought, let's get him in.

And he came in and then we had our host.

So we have Countdown.

Yeah.

If he'll do a Countdown, he will do any daytime show, let's say.

What's your favourite theme tune, Richard?

You must have one.

Favourite theme tune is Superstars, I would think, from

the 70s.

Oh, the sports thing.

I'm quite bad.

You know, if they play like theme tunes, if you're watching the University Challenge or something, and there's, you recognise all of them, but you can, I always think they're from Kickstart.

Um, but Superstars is the one, yeah, absolutely.

It's so brilliant.

If you if you haven't heard it, have a little uh go and listen to it.

Best show ever, and best theme tune, Heather.

I learned the other day, or actually, this was a few months ago, but that the Inspector Gadget theme tune and the Mysterious Cities of Gold theme tune, and the He-Man theme tune, and Chasing the Wheel Warriors and Ulysses for people of a certain age, were all written by the same guy called Shuki Levy.

And he also wrote the Israeli 1981 Eurovision Stone Contest entry, which I haven't heard, but it must be amazing, right?

Because they are absolutely, everyone is an absolute banger.

Although, Inspector Gadget is just a big old plagiarism, the same as Sonic the Hedgehog.

It's Inspector Gadget goes.

Yeah, that's Hall of the Mountain King, same as Sonic the Hedgehog.

He's just slightly changed the timing.

Oh, that's just Hall of the Mountain King.

Cowboy's got your thing.

He wants to be a millionaire based on Hulse the Planets.

Yeah, there's a particular like stab of brass or stab of horns or something that

he worked from.

I know the cool thing about the Holster's Planets the other day, I think it was for Neptune.

They had the choir that's in the song fade out, but they weren't able to fade it out properly at the time.

And so what they did was they had the choir in a different room and they slowly closed the door.

No.

Yeah.

And then once it was was shut.

Yeah.

You know, again, if we were editing this, this might not end up in the final show.

Possibly not true.

Do you know?

My favorite theme tune because of a fact is the Seinfeld theme tune.

Now,

I've always loved it because I love Seinfeld and the stand-up moment at the beginning.

So for anyone that doesn't remember it, it's that

bass line, but it was done on a synth.

What I didn't realize was that for the first, I think it must have been eight series, that theme tune was re-recorded for every single episode because, and it makes total sense, Seinfeld is doing stand-up.

There are different beats to where his joke is going to land each time.

So this guy used to get sent the footage of the latest stand-up bit going at the front of Seinfeld, and he would live jam the theme tune for every single episode to

put all those moments in when he could see Seinfeld coming to a beat in the joke.

It's something like 200 episodes that he rewrote it for.

He must have got tired of that tune.

Could you tell at the end it was losing some of its vigor?

That's like when the circus, when you used to see dancing horses dancing to the music, and you think, how do they get the horses to dance to the music?

They don't.

They play the music to match whatever the hell the horses are doing.

Seinfeld is the horse in that scenario.

Andy, I can't believe you've just ruined that magic for children in the 1950s.

You went to the circus, but still.

My favourite theme tune is also the most well-known piece of music in the UK, apparently, according to a 2000, I think it was 2008 poll, actually.

Eastenders?

Correct.

Must be Eastenders, though.

And that beat God Save the Queen into number two.

But I didn't realise, very neat Eustenders fact, it has a spin-off called Julia's theme written by one of the EastEnders creators.

And that's when you know when you get an ending, which is a bit more poignant.

And it doesn't really suit the boom, boom, boom, but a boom.

And then Julia's theme comes in, and it comes in about once a year

really if you get a julia's theme that must be a big moment as an east enders actor of course anita dodson had a had a big hit they put lyrics to the east enders theme tune anyone can fall in love and anita dodson who's angie had a hit with it on top of the pops and all sorts of things back in those days you had a size and b-sides and i wonder what the b-size of that must have been yeah

they used to um if you used to watch bullseye back in the day at the very end they would throw the dance and try and win the big prize and if they won the prize, they would have the theme tune.

And if they lost the prize, they would have the same theme tune, but in a minor key.

A little bit slower.

Oh, good.

Still amazing.

Love it.

So sometimes they release the themes and they chart.

Can you think of the highest charting TV theme tune ever?

It's got to be a kids' show, right?

It's got to be like Barney or Builder.

I've got two for you right here, I bet.

Theme from Mash was number one, Suicide is Painless.

And another number one with eye levels, I think was Van Der Hawk.

So there's a couple for you right there.

Okay.

I've got an answer for you all anyway.

And it's going to divide opinion.

It's going to divide the room because you've named a lot of songs that went to number one.

So it's clearly a dead tie.

But a million people in 1997 bought the Teddy Tubbies theme tune.

I believe that's in the UK.

So Dan was right.

That's one of them.

Really?

Yeah.

Were you?

Yeah, I on that.

See?

I was a student at the time.

And that was the demographic for the show.

but Bob the Builder was which Dan, I think Dan mentioned, yeah, I said Bob the Builder.

Bob the Builder not only had a huge number one hit, I think second only to Telly Tubbies, um, but Bob the Builder released a version of Mambo number five, which also sold 400,000 copies.

So, sorry, did Bob the Builder rewrote Mambo number five?

Yeah,

and changed the lyrics, but it's still non-child friendly, the lyrics are the same, it's all about women, Bob the seduced,

these are sexy men, Everyone's got to build a fantasy, you know?

Okay, so on Mambo number five, that was the theme tune to something else,

which I always love this fact.

That was a theme tune to one of Bill Clinton's Democratic Conventions in the early 90s.

And it was set to be like the proper walk-in, walk-out music until someone pointed out at the last minute that it did contain the line a little bit of moniker in my life.

Wow.

That's an oversight, isn't it?

From the internet.

Lou Bega.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you know where he's from?

I do.

Oh, damn.

He's German, isn't he?

He's German.

Yeah.

I mean, I just didn't know he was.

Did any?

All right.

Can we count Richard out for a second?

Did you guys know he was German?

I don't fully know who he is.

Well, he's the singer of Mambo number five, which sounds like a very Latin song.

It doesn't sound like a, you know, a Calvinist

rhythm.

Mambo number funf, though.

A lot of those names, what I've never thought about, a lot of those names are quite Germanic.

There's Monica, Angela, you know, they're quite unusual names, but Helga.

A little bit of Brunhilde.

Yeah.

I think I know the oldest theme tune in the world, hands down, is almost a thousand years old.

The Archers.

That's, I mean, it's correct.

He's won the money.

What prizes he get?

A tea towel or something?

It's the Archers.

Oh, really?

I was saying The Archers is a very old show.

It was a weird question because the joke answer is the same as the real answer in this case.

This is something that was spotted by Howard Goodall in The Story of Music, and he pointed out that there's a 12th-century piece which is a Gregorian chant.

It was written, we think, in about 1198.

It's a Viderunt Omnes or Viderant Omnes.

And he is right.

If you listen to it, it is very similar to

it's a little bit more,

but it's there, isn't that exciting?

And then it sort of stuck around as a theme in various tunes through the centuries and rocked up in Prokofiev at the start of the 20th century, and then got into the archers.

Do any of you, I know one of you knows this, who wrote the theme tune for eight out of ten cats?

Oh,

it was one of the cats, wasn't it?

It was someone from one of my favourite bands.

Oh, uh, oh, Steps.

So, um,

uh,

no, a band not as good as steps.

Yeah, okay, next best.

It was Richard's brother, Matt Osman, from Suede.

Oh, no way!

Your brother's in Sweden.

Why didn't we get him on?

Come on, if that's one.

That's cool, isn't it?

He did that, and

with a guy called Alex Lee, who was in Strange Love, and Suede, now is in Florence and the Machine.

And yeah, they put that together.

It's fascinating because he still makes money out of it today, obviously.

And Cats does Countdown, which by and large is the Countdown theme music, but then continues with the drums.

But because it continues with that, he still gets money for it.

It's nice, isn't it?

Yeah.

Really?

The guy who does Weakest Link makes millions, millions upon millions upon millions.

We all know.

Everyone knows that's the key is to write a jingle that's used as a theme tune, and no one can ever do it.

It doesn't always work, though.

So, for example, in 1973, I love this fact, the theme tune to Last of the Summer Wine was released as a pop single.

Pop?

Wow.

Well, certainly

was released into the singles chart.

And I say into the chart, it did not chart.

Yeah.

I just think that's adorable.

Ronnie Hazlehurst, Richard, I imagine you know his name.

He came up with so many theme tunes.

He was the BBC Light Entertainment Music Director.

So I'll just list a few.

Are you being served?

Reggie Perrin, Yes Minister.

Some others do have them.

The two Ronnies, Blankety Blank, Generation Game.

You could spend a whole evening watching BBC output, and he would have done pretty much much the whole thing but uh after

oh and he conducted the british and eurovision the british eurovision entry seven times in a row you know great great figure of musical composition but after he died it several of his obituaries mentioned this amazing fact which is that he also wrote s club seven's reach

well no hang on he didn't he absolutely didn't of course that's all i'm gonna remember

it was just it had just been banged up onto his wikipedia page and that you know the times the independent the Guardian, all these papers just sloshed it right into their inventory.

He did not write Reach.

Of course, they wrote all their own stuff, didn't they?

S Plus 7.

Exactly.

Alan Hawkshaw did Countdown too.

And he, it's really nice.

Whenever you listen to Countdown, the theme tune is the sound of students being given grants because the royalties from it go to underprivileged students at Leeds College of Music.

If you listen to Cats Does Countdown, you know that 50% of the money is going to underprivileged students and the other 50% is going into my brother's pocket.

Well, we do need to wrap up.

Thank you so much, Richard.

Oh, it was great fun.

We've been dying to talk to you as a for some

for a long time.

So this is a big moment for us.

And can I just say from everybody, what you're doing, it sounds like, oh no, it's just a laugh, isn't it?

35 minutes, 35 people.

To do what you're doing is incredibly difficult.

And I know you're doing it all through the night and stuff like that.

You're brilliant.

We all know that.

And week after week, you turn out this incredible podcast.

And to do 35 interviews of 35 minutes each, I doff my cap to you.

Everybody, I hope, please, please, please tonight, because this is four incredible people doing an incredible thing.

Couldn't be more of a pleasure to be invited on it.

Thank you, an honor as well.

And listen, good luck.

I should be watching not the whole thing.

So thank you so much for having me on.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you for those kind words.

Richard Bosman, everyone.

And we will be back in just a few minutes' time with our next guest for fact number nine.

It is Sue Perkins.

Stay tuned.

Okay, that's it.

I hope you enjoyed that.

Like Dan and Richard said, there is a very quick way that you can give money right now to Comic Relief, and that is to go to comicrelief.com/slash fish, and that will take you to our Just Giving page.

And if you want to watch all of the sections that we did with all of the amazing people, those videos can be watched three a day at QI.com/slash comic relief.

We'll be back again on Friday with a normal show.

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