134: No Such Thing As Sauce For The King Of Sweden

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Hi, guys.

Just before we start this episode, just to let you know, we will be recording the first episode of Series 2 of No Such Things as the News next week, and we're recording that live on Tuesday.

And for the middle section of the TV show, we would like to use the most interesting facts that you guys, our audience, have learned from the news over the past seven days.

So, if you've seen anything interesting in the news, tweet it to AtqiPodcast, email podcastqi.com, or post it up on the No Such Things as a Fish Facebook page.

And we'll pick our favorites and use them in the middle of the show.

Okay, hope you enjoyed this show, which is a recording of the dummy run for No Such Things the News that we did live last week.

On with the show.

Hello and welcome to another episode of No Such Thing as the News coming to you from Up the Creek in Greenwich, London.

My name is Dan Schreiber and I'm sitting here with Anna Czaczynski, Andrew Hunter Murray and James Harkin.

Once again, we're here to present the most interesting stories we found in the news of the last seven days.

And in no particular order, here we go.

Starting with you, Czaczynski.

My fact this week is that one of the stools at the Conservative Party conference this week is a grouse shooting simulator.

Sort of normal, ordinary thing for struggling families.

So, this was in the mirror, in fact.

So, a mirror journalist went around the Conservative Party conference and made a list of the most Tory things at the Tory conference, and that unsurprisingly made the list.

Well, the grouse simulator, you obviously saw what it looks like.

It's like a little thing that you attach on this kind of fake gun, but you can attach it on your own gun if you want to, if it's so inclined.

How many people at the Conservative conference went, oh, actually, I've brought my own gun.

And actually, there's a lady called Danka Bartekova, who's Slovakian, who used this grouse simulator when she was training for the London Olympics, and she won a medal at the London Olympics.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, cool.

So it's a useful and interesting thing, and not just a chance for landowners to show off their shooting prowess.

I have to say, reading about the Tory Party conference, I just thought it looked so fun.

Like, I know, like, politically, you could sit on either side, but as an event, it looks so much fun.

And I went on Twitter and I thought, I wonder if people are tweeting about this, saying this is really fun.

And they were.

So many people were just, because it was a hashtag CPC16, and I put CPC16 fun, and I just came up with all these tweets going.

If you'd have searched CPC16 crap, you would have got a lot of these upsetting.

Well, I searched CPC16 boring, and actually, today there was a lot of boring stuff going on, mainly about Hammond's speech.

I don't know if you heard about Hammond's speech, so there were a few tweets I saved.

One that said, Hammond's so boring, TfL wants to use him on the tunnels for the London Crossrail project.

And then, on the fun side, because there were lots of fun tweets, this guy said, Fucking hell, it's 1:30 in the morning, and I'm listening to two men arguing about the Turnstile Act of 1963.

The CPC 16 is so fun, it aches.

I think you might be missing a note of sarcasm to some of the streets.

my son.

I am here to tell you, having been to a party conference or two, that they are all lying.

People who want to be promoted within the Tory Party are going, so it is not in their interest to go, this is a fucking waste of time, isn't it?

I think they have to say, I'm having the time of my life.

I don't know, because there was an owl that you could hold on your arm.

A real owl.

It was a real owl.

Unfortunately, a lot of Tories brought their own guns, and that owl was real.

It was a mix-up.

They shouldn't put those two things next to each other.

One person I'm not sure he was having a great time is Camden councillor Johnny Bucknell, who spent the conference sleeping in his car.

And what he thinks is these conferences shouldn't be held in big cities where all the hotels are really expensive.

They should be held in like Blackpool where it's £10 a night or something.

That's what he said.

And so I looked at the other things that he's done in the last year or so, and this is all that's in the news about him.

He was fined £30,000 for being a shoddy landlord, and he was told off for eating roast duck during a town hall meeting.

After which, he vowed to campaign for the right to have a roast meal during meetings.

Do you know what you could get at the Lib Dem conference this year?

There's another bit of merch.

Seat?

I think you're fine, James.

Seats are the one thing the Lib Dem struggle with.

No, they, so they also have, I mean, all the party conferences have their own merch, but the Lib Dem conference, you could get branded 18th birthday cards, lib Dem-themed, in a pack of 50

for someone who has 50 young nephews or nieces.

Don't worry, Donnie, you can sell them to pay off your student loan.

It was the Looney Conference this week,

earlier this week, from the Monster Raven Looney Party.

They held it in Blackpool at Uncle Tom's Cabin Pub.

And I went on the website and they had a whole load of things that was going to happen there.

And they said, very sorry to say that Vince Cornwall and his rodent rat show will not be appearing this year.

Vince has had surgery and been told to take it easy, although he is up and about and will be attending with Andrew the Rat.

There was an incident at the UKIP party conference, which was in September.

One of the failed leadership candidates called Lisa Duffy went out for dinner.

The conference was in Bournemouth and the place was raided by immigration officials who wanted to check the visa status of the people working in the restaurant.

And apparently the chef, she said, ran away into the night.

So she said watching our chef running away into the night, his apron flapping in the wind, was a surreal moment.

Turned out they were all completely legally working in the UK, so I have no idea why he ran away.

Could be the idea of having to serve a whole bunch of UKIP candidates.

The journalists and politicians have a football match at every Labour and Tory Party conference, which I didn't realise.

So this year, the Lobby 11, which is the team of journalists, played the Tory MPs.

And the Tories lost 5-2 this year.

In 2014, they lost 7-2.

That's because they're all on the right wing.

Another thing that's been in the news and is related to football this week is the Hungarian referendum.

So, this is a referendum as to whether Hungary wants to allow the EU to force that they take in only another 1,300, I think, asylum seekers, and they voted against it.

But the Prime Minister of Hungary, Viktor Auburn, who brought this referendum, is a former footballer and he features in the 2006 edition of Football Manager.

So, if anyone has that, he's there.

He plays for Felksut FC.

Yeah.

Speaking of games

and also simulators, the top app at the moment is a simulator.

This is PewDiePie's YouTuber simulator where you get to pretend to be a YouTuber.

It's a great game.

What, so do you wear a simulator and you're just looking into a camera and going, oh my life's so crazy.

I just...

Amazingly, it's even more boring than that.

you're a character on your phone and you're in your bedroom with a computer and you have to make videos you don't get to really make videos you just get to pretend to make videos and then they get views and you get money for that and you can buy more things to decorate your bedroom with

your fake bedroom your fake bedroom yeah I played it this morning which is why my research is a bit kind of short this week.

No, I made a video, it got 13 views and three subscribers, and it got me enough money money to buy a cardboard box

to put in my bedroom.

And then I had to wait for it to get delivered, and it said that it would take 30 seconds, and my app crashed, and it took me three minutes, and then I just got bored, and I stopped playing.

And this app is made by the same people who made Goat Simulator,

a game in which players can drag things, wiggle things, throw things and lick things.

I think it needs to be specifying what things.

There's a new virtual reality simulator out as well.

So you put it on your head and what it is, the game is, you're a lonely cow in a field.

Yeah, genuinely.

And there's no other cows and people come and they taser you and

force you into a truck.

And it's meant to raise awareness about how cows are being treated in the world today.

Doesn't sound that fun, does it, now I say it out loud.

But the pictures look amazing because you're on all fours and you're just walking around your living living room um occasionally going

when you're

when you're tasered

and there's another one where you can um you can be a piece of coral uh

it's another virtual reality simulator and you sit and you're a piece of coral and you watch uh the the reef uh decay from acids that are let into the water the one thing i know about coral is they get most of their nutrients from urine They get it from fish urine.

So parents, don't buy this game for your children.

We need to move on in a sec to our next fact.

Anything before we do?

Just back to politics, one thing.

So

there's been an election in Brazil for the mayor of São Paulo, and the man who has won is the host of the Brazilian version of The Apprentice.

Oh!

Yeah,

I know.

What are the chances it'll happen twice in one year?

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Okay,

it is time for fact number two, and that is Andy.

My fact is that comets sound like a cross between a cat and a dolphin.

You mean the noise that they make?

I mean the noise they make.

So this week the comet 67P Churyurumov-Gerasimenko,

the Rosetta satellite, has probe?

We're calling it probe.

Probe?

Probe.

It's weird when people shout probe at you.

I'm used to it.

Okay, no.

So

they've gathered so much data from this comet that they never had before and that one of the things they found is it gives off this low frequency hum and they're not exactly clear why it might be because it has charged particles in the in the in the gas and the dust jets that it gives out and I think uh we can play it.

This is a sped up version of it because it's normally below the range.

That's kind of dolphiny.

It's a dolphin.

Yeah.

Imagine it, but more like a cat.

Imagine pressing it together.

It sounds like a cat purring a bit.

Anyway, that's the noise it makes.

I think it does sound like a cat purring.

Yeah, more than a dolphin, in fact.

But that is very sped up, isn't it?

So actually, it's like one of those noises every 20 minutes or something.

A dolphin that clicks very infrequently.

And have we had to manufacture that sound?

Because it doesn't quite, we can't send sound back, so they're picking up signals of what the sound should be generating.

And that's a recreation.

That's someone in a, that's like in TV when you have to make boot sounds on the ground.

They're trying to do, what, comet?

Ah, that's not a thing.

You're going to be a a dolphin

yeah it's not quite that they've copied and pasted the vibrations that are being emitted by the comet and into radio waves so that we can hear them

they haven't despired a cat

actually doesn't it smell like cat pea yeah

and it looks like a duck

wondering if this is a comet at all

If it looks like a duck, sounds like a dolphin and a cat, and smells like cat urine, it's Comet 67P for the underestimate.

Do you know, we don't know if it changed its tune, though.

So

Hallie's Comet has been studied before, and it makes a completely different sings a completely different song when it gets closer to the sun.

And so we're still waiting on the data to come back as to whether the tune now sounds more like a duck or a giraffe or whatever weird animal you want to compare it to.

Hey, speaking of Halley's Comet, do you know when the next time we're going to see Halle's Comet is?

Oh, well, the last one was when, probably when I was a teenager, so it'll be another probably 45, 46 years, something like that.

October 20th.

Oh.

Yeah.

And I'm older than I think.

I've just got the word hubris in my notes here.

You could send me 50 birthday cards.

I hope you like Tim Ferron.

No, what this is is that Halley's Comet, when it flies by, it obviously leaves a trail behind it.

And so on October 20th, we're going to come into the path of the debris trail that it left behind when we saw it.

And so if you're in the north of Wales, October 20th, and it lasts for quite a long time because it's a long trail, you'll see meteor showers coming in and you'll be able to watch the debris of Halley's Comet coming in.

And it happens every year.

That is great.

I don't know if it counts as seeing a comet if you're seeing what it's excreted as it's passed by.

It's like walking into a room two years after someone fastened it.

Terry, hi.

So, this thing, so with the just back to the comet, quickly, they've discovered a lot of stuff.

So, for example, they discovered a new kind of carbon which was really complicated, not like the kind of carbon that we're made of.

And there was an interview with a team member of Rosetta called Herve Cottin.

He said, It is so complex, we can't give it a proper formula or a name.

It's so complex.

It can't even name it.

Do they keep trying?

And have we said why this is in the news this week?

Rosetta, which is the probe which went around the comet,

it's crashed into the comet and it's the end of its life, isn't it?

It's not actually the end of its life.

It's just cut off its phone conversation with us.

So it's kind of hubristic of us to assume that it's now dead.

Well, that's true, but one you see, because it's like solar-powered, isn't it?

So, they were thinking, well, maybe we could just kind of land it softly, and then next time it goes near the sun, it can power up again.

But they weren't sure if that was going to work.

And then, so one of the scientists at the ESA, Matt Taylor, said they'd rather go out in true rock and roll style

and crash into the comet.

It's weird that he said that because they crashed into the comet at two miles an hour.

That's walking pace.

That is walking pace.

It strolled into a comet.

The most interesting thing for me about the whole thing is that we did find out amazing information about the makeup of comets and so on.

And they think that there might be bits of it that suggest how life may have arrived on Earth.

But for me, what's really interesting is on the actual probe, Rosetta, they included a thing called the Rosetta Disc.

I don't know if you remember Voyager years and years ago had a golden disc on it that had songs from Earth, languages.

Languages and things.

So they've created a 7.5 centimeter nickel disc that has a thousand languages on it.

It's basically nickel and you can use a microscope to head in towards and you can read a thousand languages.

So for a second time we've seeded the idea of language that may die very soon into the universe, which is quite cool.

It will just sit there.

All the aliens that have just finished building a record player.

Ah, great.

Finally Finally, we can...

Oh, wait, something.

What's this for now?

Rosetta took 116,000 photos on the mission, and it sent back 218 gigabytes of data.

I don't need to say it sent back 218 of them.

Like, it's taken so feet.

No, no, no, no, no.

No.

No.

It sent back 218 gigabytes of data.

And I worked out that what that would be is 872 copies of the film Deep Impact.

That's the only version I could find of the film Deep Impact Online was dubbed into Tamil, so it might be slightly more or fewer.

Speaking of Deep Impact, I was surprised that no one has got angry about the fact so far that Rosetta has gone into

the actual comet because in 2005, NASA crashed their probe Deep Impact into a comet called Tempel-1, and an astrologer tried to sue NASA saying that they had upset the balance of the universe.

And all of these horoscopes are bollocks now, aren't they?

Okay, so we're halfway through the show and it's time to look at the stories that you've sent in to us via emails and social media, starting with James.

Okay, this one comes from David Smith.

It's at DVD Smith on Twitter.

And it comes from The Independent.

A Russian children's charity has had a million flyers printed asking people to exterminate beavers.

That's due to a misprint.

It should have read, do good.

Anna?

This is a tweet from At Eye of Siever, and it comes from the Florida Sun Post.

And it's a story that a 68-year-old man who married a 24-year-old woman only to discover when looking through family photos that she's his estranged biological granddaughter said they have no plans to divorce.

He said, I've already had two failed marriages and I'm determined not to have a third.

And finally Andy.

My fact just has been sent in from Kenzie Lee.

An employee of the Canadian Mint is currently on trial, accused of smuggling £100,000 worth of gold out of the building in his rectum.

He kept on setting off the metal detector when he was leaving and they kept on doing a sort of pat down search for him.

No, nothing there.

Okay, well.

And then they found some gold pucks and a tub of Vaseline in his locker.

And he maintains that this is completely circumstantial evidence as well.

Anyway, he is at the moment innocent until proven guilty.

Until proven really weird.

Okay, it is time for fact number three, and that is James.

Okay, my fact this week is that Nobel Prize winners always immediately return their award so they don't lose it in the subsequent party.

This it makes it sound like as soon as they get the award, it kicks off.

So, I think the key to the fun that they have, because they definitely do have fun, is that they make sure that every year

200 of the 1300 seats there are allocated to students from the uni.

Yeah, so that's what it is.

And a lot of the parties are led by students.

So, the best part of the Nobel Prize ceremony, apparently, is the after-party, and it's called Nobel Nightcap.

Do you know what they make the Nobel laureates do?

Josh.

They induct them into the order of the ever-smiling and jumping green frog.

And everyone, like Richard Feynman, was a part of it.

Richard Feynman was really excited because, as well as playing the bongos, he's an amazing physicist.

Most people just know him as a bongo player.

He was involved in science as well.

And yeah, and they gave him one of these awards.

And he was really excited because he does an awesome frog impression.

So he was like, oh, finally, you can bust this out.

And it's not weird.

And so what they do is they get people who've won the prizes, usually in physics,

to be, they have to leap like a frog.

And they also have a massive paper mache frog that they have to carry all the way back to the origin place of the frog.

So people who've just won the biggest award in science can be seen at 2 a.m.

with a huge paper mache frog.

Or a real one.

So it changes every year, the formalities.

And sometimes it's a person dressed up as a frog.

Right.

They mix it up all the time.

Of course, you say physics, and it is the Nobel Prizes this week, isn't it?

And the physics physics prize has just been won by three British people.

Yeah.

Which is great.

So there is a lot of partying and it is very fun, but there also is the actual ceremony bit, which is very serious.

And so all Nobel laureates get a course in how to receive the actual prize from the king.

So there was actually a British Nobel Prize winner called Paul Nurse.

And they use his video as an example of how not to accept a Nobel Prize.

He got his medal turned around and held it up like he'd won the World Cup in football.

Classic Brit.

And they edited that out from his winning video.

And they apparently show that

in the demonstration of how to receive it by how not to receive it.

He could have done worse.

He could have been like Knut Handsome who won the 1920 Literature Prize.

You don't need to tell that last train.

He got drunk and he pulled the whiskers of an elderly Nobel committee man.

And then he snapped his finger against the corset of his fellow laureate Sigrit Unsett and shouted, it sounds like a bellboy.

It was a different time.

So they give you the actual gold medal when you win.

And for some reason, the economics one is very slightly larger than all the other five ones in the winter.

It is 10 grams bigger, isn't it?

I don't know why.

No explanation.

But so there was a guy called Brian Schmidt who won the 2011 Prize for Physics for discovering dark energy, basically.

And he went to visit his granny.

And she lives in Fargo, made famous, obviously, by the film and and the TV series.

And then on his way out at the airport, it was in his laptop bag, and it came up on the screen as this completely black disc because it's made of gold.

And the airport guys were a bit freaked out.

And he reported the conversation they had.

He said, they're like, sir, there's something in your bag.

He said, yes, I think it's this box.

They said, what's in the box?

He said, a large gold medal.

So they opened it and they said, what's it made out of?

And he says, gold.

And then they said, who gave this to you?

And then he says, the king of Sweden.

They say, why did he give this to you?

He says, because I helped discover the expansion rate of the universe is accelerating.

At which point they were beginning to lose their sense of humor.

And he tells them it's a Nobel Prize.

And he says, and their main question was, why were you in Fargo?

He could have saved a lot of problems if he'd smuggled it in his rectum to me.

It's big, though.

At least it's not the economics one.

As well as the medal, you obviously get the massive cash prize that goes with it.

Why is it like a million dollars?

Well, it fluctuates.

I read this article where they talked about how people who've won the Nobel Prize, how scientists have spent the money that they've won.

One interesting one was Albert Einstein, who gave his money over to his first wife.

He gave it in 1921.

That's when he won it, but actually, he signed it over to her when they were divorcing in 1919.

So he said, if I ever win the Nobel Prize, you can have the money in the divorce.

And then he won it.

And she got the money, which is amazing.

You know, they have the banquet.

Yeah.

So the 1,300 guest banquet is incredible.

And sometimes there's major goss

from the banquet.

So I was trying to look for scandal at the banquet.

And

get this, guys.

This is according to the Svenske Dagblade newspaper.

Last year, the biggest scandal was a minor faux pas, which meant the king was last at his table to be served the source for the main course.

Wow.

It's amazing when you get that inside scoop.

Hey, in

banquet gossip.

So I have to say,

I don't think it's going to cap the source incident.

You're right.

It goes alongside it.

So there's this blog written by a former planning secretary for the banquet talking about the issues she came up against.

And one of the things is a seating plan, which is very difficult with 1,300 people.

So obviously a lot of colleagues attend together because they're in the same science research group.

And she said seating plans do sometimes request that they be seated as far from their colleagues as possible.

People have said.

There was one a few years ago where an American attendee and a Swedish attendee who didn't know each other were sat next to each other and they're still married today.

So that's nice.

So nice.

And there was one where one of the Nobel laureates invited his ex-wife and his wife.

And apparently, the Nobel committee received strict instructions to seat the ladies as far apart as possible without any possibility of eye contact.

Apparently, it was the peace prize.

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Okay, it is time for our final fact of the show, and that is my fact.

My fact this week is that two recently recovered stolen Van Gogh paintings would buy you enough cocaine that you could snort a continuous line from here to Moscow.

And you'd still have a bit left over for when you get there.

So the reason that we know this is that two, you might have seen in the news this week, two very famously stolen Van Gogh paintings, which were taken back in 2002 from the Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam, were recovered and they were found in Italy, near Naples, in the property of a famous cocaine mafia cartel.

And the idea is that they were using these paintings as currency.

So we found out how much one Van Gogh would be worth.

We doubled it and then we worked out how much cocaine that would be equivalent to.

It's a shame that you have to make the swap because once you've given away the paintings, you've got nothing to snort the cocaine off.

Because that's the most rock and roll moment of your life.

When these two paintings disappeared, they actually found the people that they thought may have stolen it.

And there was a guy sent to prison.

There were two people sent to prison, weren't there?

Yes.

The main one was called Octave Durham, and he was known to the police as the monkey because he was so good at evading arrest.

As monkeys are.

Exactly.

Tried to slap the cuffs on the monkey.

I got little paws.

I checked, and actually, only two monkeys have been arrested in the last year.

One was for harassing locals in Mumbai and the other was after a high-speed chase in Washington state.

He was sitting on the back of the guy who was driving so it hardly seems fair and they did let it go quite quickly afterwards but still an arrest.

So they never recovered the paintings from them but they they assumed it was them because at the site they found their DNA on the ropes, on the ladders, and on both hats that they left behind.

Like a monkey wears a hat.

The banana peels everywhere.

So, one of the things is that they, so they got four years' jail sentence and they were denying it, obviously, that they'd stolen it.

And they thought maybe the reason they hadn't admitted to it and probably played against them in the trial is the fact that Dutch law states that if there is a stolen bit of art and it's missing for 30 years, whoever is in possession of it owns it.

So they thought that they were going to wait 30 years and then go, oh, look what we found.

And then,

and legally, that's fine.

It's incredible, isn't it, that that might be true.

Yeah.

No, but they own it, but would they still go to prison for committing the crime?

Yeah, probably would.

Well, they did the time, I guess.

They did the four years for the theft.

Apparently all these old laws date from the time when like Amsterdam and Rotterdam were massive ports where people could steal things and then just disappear.

And so they have a load of kind of slightly weird arcane laws that still are on the statute books.

We have a law about that.

We have a finders keepers law where if you find something, hand it into the police and then a few weeks later it's been unclaimed, you get it.

Is there a losers weepers law?

There has been another development in art theft news.

So the FBI has a top ten art crimes list, which I didn't know.

And one of them is the theft in 1990 from the Isabella Stewart Gardener Museum in Boston.

And this year, the FBI dug up the garden of a mafia boss called Roberto Gentile to try to find it.

It didn't find any of the paintings that went missing.

And this is the evidence they've got against him.

He did a polygraph test, which assessed the likelihood he was telling the truth about not being involved at less than 0.1%.

He was found to have a handwritten list of the stolen artworks and their values.

And he was recorded telling an FBI agent he had two of the stolen paintings.

Well, this is the biggest ever art theft in the the US, and the way they did it is so

movie star-style.

They dressed up as policemen, these two guys, and they turned up and said to the security guards, Hey, we got a call about disturbance in this art gallery full of priceless things.

Can we get in?

And so the security guards let them in, and then as soon as they'd been let in, they said, in your face, this is a robbery.

In fact, I think they were quite polite about it.

They did the classic thing.

They said, Gentlemen, this is a robbery, and then tied them up and stole the stuff.

Kim Kardashian got robbed in Shibuya, and they reckon that might have been the Pink Panther gang, who apparently have lots of these kind of tricks.

Like sometimes they get away on bikes dressed as women, and sometimes they get away in speedboats.

And one time, so they didn't get spotted, they put wet paint signs on all the benches nearby, so no one would sit on them.

And always with the theme tune,

there's, I read an interesting story about art heists.

So there was a story about a guy who he was called Radu Doggora and he stole $26.38 million worth of art.

And so he was caught and he was going to trial and he said that he was willing to divulge where all of the art was.

The only condition was that he got a Dutch trial instead of a Romanian trial.

Because it turns out that the laws are different in every different country for how severe a sentence you get for stealing art.

And the Dutch laws are way less severe than they are in Romania, where they're extremely severe.

So it's a difference between four years in jail or 20 years in jail.

So I looked for the best place to steal art from.

And it turns out it's on Norwegian cruises.

Okay.

Yeah.

So a guy, a Kentucky native called Kevin Hudgens, he recently stole it.

It was a copy of a Rembrandt, still worth about $13,000 American dollars.

And he stole it, but he happened to steal it while the cruise that he was on docked in Bermuda.

And in Bermuda, they just don't care.

They're like, that's fine.

And his trial, because

wherever the boat docks, that's where you are the law of.

And so he got fined $500 for stealing it, as opposed to 20 years in jail had he docked in Romania, for example.

So if you're on a cruise and there's a good bit of art, check out where you're docking.

Check out the...

Yeah, exactly.

But if you're heading to Bermuda...

have a look at the walls on the ship and

i mean romania is it's not completely landlocked but there's not that many cruises go there i don't think

Has anyone else been researching cocaine news?

Just quickly on that, so this is a story from last week in Seattle.

The police got handed a suitcase which had been lost, and they said, Well, let's look inside and see if we can find any clues to whoever might have owned it.

They opened it up, they found 31 bags of cocaine, a scale for all the cocaine, some marijuana in case you got bored of cocaine,

and a 19-year-old man's ID card and mobile phone.

A little while after this had been handed in, a 19-year-old man approached police saying he had lost his briefcase and he needed it back as it contained some extremely important paperwork.

Oh man.

He was arrested because of

all the cocaine.

I found one bit of cocaine news.

It's a study, a new study.

Scientists have found that cocaine makes fish feel drowsy.

Yeah, they gave some cocaine to some zebra fish, and also they can take a hundred times more cocaine than mice can, and a thousand times more cocaine than humans can.

Wow.

Well, but they're just blinking very, very, very fast.

They're slow, I guess.

It slows them down.

Yeah, it slows them down.

Oh, yeah, of course.

Bizarre.

There was another study on cocaine in the last week, actually.

So it turns out that.

This is now turning into cocaine news.

Welcome to cocaine news.

You want news?

We got news.

The reason Andy's so anxious is that it's most likely his cocaine is cut with a flesh-eating substance.

So, 65% of cocaine in this country is now cut with this thing called levamisole, which literally rots human flesh.

And so, yeah, I know, nice.

It's used by farmers to purge their livestock of parasitic worms, usually, but it also serves this extra purpose.

And it keeps the weight off.

Okay, that's it.

That's all of our facts.

Just time to share with you the four stories that we didn't have time to get through during the show.

And we're going to start with mine.

My fact is that North Korea has banned sarcasm because Kim Jong-un is worried that people are only agreeing with him ironically.

James?

Okay, mine is that the police in Utah have officially recommended against shooting random clowns.

Okay.

Andy?

This is from the Times of India.

A building in Massachusetts had to be evacuated after residents complained about a peculiar smell which turned out to be caused by a man cooking urine in his flat.

And finally, Anna.

Yep, this is from the National Post of Canada.

And this is that after the official opening of a ring road in Edmonton, Canada on Saturday, motorists were surprised by a large electronic sign announcing, We Done, bitches.

That's all from me, Andy, James, and Anna.

We'll be back again next week.

We've been no such thing as the news.

Good night.

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