NSTAAF International Factball: USA v Russia

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Hello, and welcome to another episode of No Such Thing as a Fish Presents International Factball.

This is a football podcast, probably the only one out there that makes absolutely no mention of football whatsoever.

Brought to you by the QILs in association with VisitEngland.com.

My name is Dan.

I'm sitting here with James and Anna, and we have a special guest today, which is Alex Edelman, our comedian friend, who's had a lot of Twitter interest in getting you back onto the podcast.

A popular demand.

Yeah, from his mom.

So today's match is USA versus Russia.

And we begin with the USA.

Alex, you must have some USA facts.

Oh, I have plenty of USA facts.

Oh, my God, we've actually got a bit of a proper personal battle going on today because, James, your wife, Paulina, is Russian.

And Alex, you are from the greatest country on the planet.

So there we go.

So this is going to be interesting.

All right, how do you want to come on?

First killer fact about America.

All right, my first killer fact about America is that.

They lost the Cold War.

You know what?

But won the Space War.

So

my first killer fact about America is that there was something called the Great Raft, which was a series of log jams several hundred miles long, started in the 1100s.

How does...

I can't even visualize that, how that would work.

Well, I think it's interesting to imagine because obviously nobody was around, or maybe there were Native Americans around, but a bunch of dead trees clogged up a river and kept piling backwards and backwards and backwards and backwards.

And eventually there was just this thing.

And there are a lot of invasive species that were carried by that river overflowing its banks into little lakes that don't belong there.

That are only there because this giant dam flooded these plains in Louisiana.

That's brilliant.

Everything's bigger in America, isn't it?

Especially our log jams.

You know, since you mentioned logs, what is your thing with log cabins in America and why do so many presidents claim to have been born in them?

I don't even.

I think seven U.S.

presidents were born in log cabins, weren't they?

Yeah, pretty sure sure that Washington wasn't.

No, Washington wasn't.

But it was a myth, wasn't it?

That he oh yeah, there was definitely a myth that he is.

Yeah, some people say ten people.

I think it's seven, most reliably.

What I do know is that before they invented log cabins, or before they had log cabins in America, they all lived in sod huts.

Did they?

Yeah.

But it was a big thing.

There was symbolism to it.

And Adlai Stevenson, who ran for president against Dwight Eisenhower, he said, I wasn't born in a log cabin, I wasn't raised in one, and there's no use trying to pretend that I was.

And he lost in a goddamn landslide really to uh Dwight Eisenhower really oh my god absolutely but it was a it was a symbol of self-building and pioneerism and it was a really really potent American do you think do you think at the time when he made that speech that all of his team knew that he just lost the election did he go did he go back for the next speech and go actually I've had a word with my parents and it turns out they have heard word that I was actually born in a live screw that I've totally was born in a log cabin yeah there's a similar thing I know we're not going into Russia yet but um in Russia you get a lot of people who said that they were sons of cobblers.

And usually, it just means that they had a very poor background and then built themselves up.

Okay.

I know we're not talking about Russia yet, but.

No, it's a good tease for the second half of the match.

12% of all the Coca-Cola in America is drunk at breakfast.

What?

Get out of town.

Really?

That's amazing.

That is incredible.

And Americans eat enough peanut butter in a year to coat the floor of the Grand Canyon.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

How thick the coating of the floor of the Gyanya?

Probably quite one nanometer thick or something.

I don't know.

Yeah, I don't love these.

Like, it would stretch to the moon.

Facts.

Yeah, it's true.

Because that's a distance, and you can make things really thin.

Like, that's not, you wouldn't want to eat that.

It's true.

All right.

Do you know where Jimi Hendrix's first gig was?

Seattle.

Was it in Seattle?

Yeah, it was.

And where was it?

Pikes Pikes Market?

No.

It was in a synagogue.

Was that a synagogue?

It was in a synagogue.

I know you like that.

Alex is Jewish.

You can probably hear it.

It was in the the Temple de Hirsch synagogue in Temple de Hirsch.

And his bandmates fired him between sets because he was playing too wildly.

That makes me think synagogues are so much more fun than churches.

Well, no, they fired him immediately.

At least he went.

That is incredible.

That is so cool.

Abraham Lincoln, before he became president, was a licensed bartender, wasn't he?

Yes.

That's pretty cool.

Isn't he...

Am I right in saying he was a wrestler as well?

Yeah, he's at the Wrestling Hall of Fame.

What, like next to Hulk Hogan?

That is fantastic.

If he is, he has a wrestling name.

name, the beard

four score.

I think they put him in later down the line when they realized that he liked wrestling and they said, well, he was an early guy who we've heard of who liked wrestling, so we'll put him in their hall of fame.

But he was a big guy, wasn't he?

Yeah, he was really how tall was he?

Six foot five or something?

Something like that, yeah.

We are approaching half-time, by the way.

Yeah, so we're going to such a big, such a big country, so many facts.

So, if anyone's got any they want to chuck in as a last minute,

one in fifty Americans executed for murder had the middle name Wayne.

Don't hang out with Wayne's.

Yeah, here's another guy, E.

Berry Wall.

He was the guy who popularized wearing tuxedos.

And he was very sartorially elegant and wore wonderful, wonderful clothes.

And people wrote newspaper articles about him.

But then another newspaper wrote articles about another guy called Bob Hillard.

And so these two men who were supposed to be fashion icons had a bit of a fashion duel where they wore more and more amazing clothes.

And eventually, E.

Berry Wall won when he turned turned up to a party in a pair of black leather boots that went all the way up to his hips.

And from then on, they called him the King of Dudes.

King of dudes.

I like it.

And that title remained until...

Until Dan Schreiber came on the scene.

Yep.

You can't see right now, but I'm wearing boots right up to my nose.

Do you guys know which president gave his name to a footballer?

Riggiano Ronaldo is named after Ronald Reagan.

Really?

His mum was a big fan.

Whoa, was it you that told me that his advisor was called Donald Reagan?

Yeah, yeah, that was great.

His chief of staff.

Ronald Reagan's chief of staff was Donald Reagan.

But Ronald Reagan, she was a fan of him as an actor rather than a president, wasn't she?

Okay, Alex, one last fact.

We're going to go to halftime.

America's done quite well here, but I really feel like you can just.

Devil's Hole popfish.

Okay, what's that?

It is a species of fish that exists completely in one tiny pond in a place called Devil's Hole, Nevada, that is no bigger than this table.

And this is not a big table.

And it was discovered and used as evidence in a court to try to make sure that oil people couldn't prey on this kind of land.

And since then, since we discovered them, we've been slowly wiping them out by trying to observe them scientifically and move them to other places.

But yeah, it's one tiny genetically specific fish to this one.

To this one, like that's very cool.

I'm going to like it called Devil's Hole as well.

It's a nice name.

Devil's Hole publishes.

1,431 Americans live in a town called Elephant Butt.

Just throwing it out there.

There's a place in New Mexico called Truth and Consequences.

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Okay, there's the halftime whistle.

Well done, America.

Very strong, very strong halfy there, Alex.

I feel like we could have done better, but I'm confident that we'll pull it out.

Okay.

Okay, before we get to the second half of our match, there's our halftime show, which comes in the form of a quiz brought to you by visitingland.com.

And we've got three questions for you this time.

James, first question.

Okay, my question is: In 1458, there was an event in London called Love Day.

What did it entail?

Okay.

Murder.

It's always murder, isn't it?

Yeah, maybe.

Well, you'll find out after the show.

So, what kind of festivals do you go to?

If it's before 1700, it's either a fire or a murder.

You should be a history teacher.

All right.

Czaczynski.

In 19th century England, for what was bitch the pot slang.

What did it mean?

Okay.

And Alex, last question.

What famous English event began as a fundraiser for a swimming pool?

Was it a murder?

Was it a fire?

Was it the Chiselhampton annual swimming pool fundraiser?

I love that one.

I don't know how famous that is.

All right, well, if you want to find out the answers to those questions, you can hear them at the end of our podcast.

But in the meantime, let's head back to the match, and it's the second half.

Russia.

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Russia, here we go.

James, get on it now.

What?

What, really?

This is your team, Jesus.

Come on, James.

This is your team.

I'm English.

I've got a good fact.

I was just thinking about you being married.

Yes, I am.

Paulina is Russian.

I suddenly remembered that there was that fact about how they outed female Russian spies in the war by the fact that when they were giving birth, they would yell in Russian as opposed to English.

And that was the giveaway.

Was that true?

Is that a true fact?

No, is that true?

That's a really good question.

We were told this by a guy who used to work on QI called Vitaly Vitalyev, who was Russian, and he'd found it in his research.

I've never found any evidence for it, but I've no reason to doubt him.

Yeah, that's great, isn't it?

So that she would live an American life, was a double agent, and then as she was giving birth, suddenly Russian swear words coming out.

Yeah.

Russia is a big place.

It's the size of Pluto.

No.

Yeah.

If you flatten Pluto out and stick it on the earth, it'll be about the size of Russia.

Oh, my God.

Siberia, if Siberia was a country, it would still be the largest country in the world by land mass.

And America's biggest state used to be Russian.

Oh, Alaska.

Alaska.

Of course.

Actually, Russia did have an area called Russian America.

They conquered the Kodiak Islands in the 18th century, and they called that area Russian America.

That wouldn't have gone down well today, would it?

No.

No.

Until 1885, in Russia, vodka was only sold in buckets, and that was a size of 12.3 liters.

Wow.

That was the the only size you could buy.

Really?

Wow.

That's impressive.

That's amazing.

Well, they've still got a strong vodka drinking tradition, haven't they?

In 1995, Boris Yeltsin was on a trip to the White House visiting the president, and he was found drunk in his underwear outside the White House in the middle of the night.

He was discovered by the U.S.

Secret Service, and all he did was slur to them that he was looking for pizza.

Really?

Yeah.

Catherine the Great.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

The The Russian Empress, Catherine the Great.

I'm sure it's not going to be the fact you're thinking of, Alex, because that's not true.

What I found interesting about her is that she wasn't called Catherine.

That wasn't her name.

And she hated being called the Great.

Really?

So when you put all three of those words together, that's just...

That was a nightmare for her whole life.

So why is everyone calling me Catherine for starters?

Yeah.

What was

she not called you Catherine?

Well, she was born Sophie.

Oh, was she?

Yeah.

Wow.

Sophie Frederica Auguste.

Sophie the not that great.

Yeah.

Sophie the alright is probably what she'd go for.

So

as well as hating her name, she hated the fact that she had rickets, which is, you know, the disease rickets.

Yeah, yeah, more understandable.

And so what they wanted to do was find someone who could treat her, and they couldn't find anyone in their town

who was good enough to do it, but they eventually did find someone, and it was the town's executioner.

who eventually became her, I guess, personal doctor.

That'll cure you of rickets if you chop someone's head off.

Yeah, exactly.

So

this is what he ordered.

This was his medication: that her back and shoulders should be rubbed every day with the saliva of a servant girl.

Oh.

Who was under instructions not to eat anything beforehand?

And I don't know how much beforehand means.

How do you reckon they got the saliva off her?

Like, they made her not eat anything beforehand and then put something that smelled really nice, like some bacon in front of her.

She was like,

she was like Homer Simpson.

Wow, that's amazing.

I have a question.

Thank you.

Go on.

Anyone know about the TP-82?

I do not.

It is a smooth bore, triple-barreled Soviet firearm, which was carried by cosmonauts on space missions in case they encountered aliens or landed in hostile territory.

It was more for landing in hostile territory.

I think what it was more for was when they landed in Russia, they might be bears.

Really?

I understand that to be right.

I thought it was in case they landed in a place that wasn't friendly to Russians.

Could be that.

It would be that as well.

Yeah.

Does anyone have any interesting cosmonauts?

I have one, which we've had on QI years ago, but it was my favorite fact that I found because it was amidst some data that I was looking at, which is that the first Earthling to go around the moon wasn't the Apollo 8 astronauts from America.

It was a Russian, and it was a Russian tortoise.

And it was in the Zond 5, and it went around the moon months before Apollo 8 got there.

So the first Earthling, and in terms of the space race, that's quite a message to send what

some see metaphorically as the slowest animal ever.

Did he make it back?

Yeah, he did.

And it's possible that with the life expectancy of that particular type of tortoise, that it's still alive.

Wow.

Well, you know what?

Buzz Aldrin's still alive, so I'll take him over the tortoise.

Yeah, sure.

On cosmonauts, so Yuri Gargarin, the Russians love him, really, really proud of him, rightly so.

And he inadvertently started a tradition when, on his way to become the first guy in space, he was taking the shuttle bus to the takeoff point and stop for a pit stop to wee on the back tire of the bus.

And now, every single Russian mission into space, they stop the bus and all the men get out, all the astronauts get out, be on the bus.

That's true.

When Neil Armstrong died, the Russian news agencies were saying, Of course, Neil Armstrong was a nice man, but he was nowhere near as good as the great Gagarin.

Nice.

Yeah.

A nice

person.

First of all, he wasn't a nice guy.

Okay, we are fastly approaching the end of our match.

James, we.

You want my absolute biggest, greatest fact?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Are you ready?

Yeah, let's do this.

65% of Russia is covered in permafrost.

What?

Is that a type of peanut butter?

No, no, really.

No, my favorite thing has got to be Lake Baikal in Siberia.

Like, that is such an amazing place.

It's a thousand times older than any other lake on Earth.

And even if all the rest of the water on Earth disappeared, there would still be enough fresh water in Lake Baikal to keep the world's population going for 50 years.

That is incredible.

That is good.

That is very good.

Okay, that's the end of our match.

That was big.

Before we find out who's won, though, let's quickly get the answers to our visitingland.com quiz.

And we started with a question from you, James.

Yes, we did.

My question was about the event in 1458 called Love Day in London.

And this was a march with the Lancastrians and the Yorkists from the War of the Roses to show how much they all still liked each other and weren't going to go to war.

And 18 months later, they were back at it.

So it didn't really work.

It didn't work.

Ah, damn.

Anna.

My question was: what did bitch the pot mean in 19th-century English slang?

And it meant, pour the tea.

Pour the tea.

Pour the tea.

We could bring that back.

It's like, Snoop Dogg, would you like a cup of tea?

Yeah, exactly.

That's a good name for a song.

Bitch, Alex Pop.

Oh, God.

Okay, last question, Alex.

My question was, which famous English event began as a fundraiser for a swimming pool?

It was the Isle of Wight Music Festival.

Really?

The Isle of Wight?

At the annual major music festival.

Yes.

The big music film.

I performed at it a couple of weeks ago.

Yes, I did.

Okay, so that's the end of that quiz.

If you want to win a prize, though, by any chance, you can win some QI Goody's by heading over to visitengland.com, where they have hats and t-shirts and books.

We could get Alex to sign a copy of one of the books.

I'm sure you're all keen on that.

And

it might be.

Okay, but now we need to find out who won today's match.

And because I can't go to either James or Alex to decide, I'm going to have to throw it to you, Anna.

I'm going to say, Mr.

Schreiber, tear down this wall and make it a draw.

Neither I nor Alex are happy with that.

Another war that ends in a stalemate.

All right, so we end in a draw, my God.

Okay, America and Russia going in harmony to the next round.

Okay, well, that's it.

If you want to ask us any questions about the stuff that we were talking about, if you'd like to bash either America or Russia, you can get us on our Twitter handles.

Alex at Alex underscore Edelman.

And James.

At egg shaped.

And Anna.

Oh, reply to at Wikipedia, or you can email podcast at qi.com.

And I'm on at Schreiberland.

That's it for today's match.

If you would like to join us again tomorrow, there's going to be another match, and it is James.

Oh, you'll be interested in this, Dan.

It's your home country of Australia against Mexico.

I don't think we need to do that one.

We'll just put Australia straight through and we'll just continue on with the next match.

I have been researching some amazing Mexico facts, so you could be in trouble.

No, I've got Aussie covered.

Okay, so that's it for us today.

Come back tomorrow and watch me whip the crap out of James's Mexico Facts.

We'll see you then.

Goodbye.

USA, USA, USA.

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