A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.

Welcome to Pablo Torre Finds Out.

I am Pablo Torre, and today we're going to find out what this sound is.

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The first nine years of my career, I drove half a million miles

between two different car two total odometers, half a million.

And now I'm like, oh,

bro i used to be wide out conditions and aspen drafting 18 wheelers like nascar

drafting an 18 wheeler drafting an 18 wheeler in a snowstorm waiting for those mario kart uh what is it like when you see when you're like right nearby you got a special boost to pass yeah yeah shake and bait engaged

because in my brain in slushy conditions I would rather be closer on an 18-wheeler because it's throwing the water in the air.

So it's not under my tires.

The wipers can handle visibility.

Just don't get too close if he jackknifes that you don't have range.

But like, that's the calculations I used to make.

And now I'm the dude in the right lane.

I'm doing five under the limit.

I got a podcast going.

I'm chilling.

So the reason that Roy Wood Jr.

is back in our podcast studio in New York chilling with me is not simply because he is the author of a stand-up special that I love called Lonely Flowers over on Hulu, and also the host of Have I Got News for You on CNN.

Roy is here because, like me, he finds himself trying to safely navigate the wreckage that is 2025, a year in which every institution in our country, from our economy to our politics to our media, is not simply changing human behavior, but also just crashing into each other all of the time, which has the effect of disconnecting us and breaking us apart.

But to stop going fast and furious on the freeway behind the wheel is also a massive change in personal behavior for Roy Wood Jr.

Because Roy, who is an Alabama native, had a way of life as a prolific road comic that obeyed one urgent iron law.

If you don't make it, you don't get paid.

I've always thought of you as a guy who is, you're a master of the road.

Like you are, there's a journalistic sensibility to you and your comedy, but it is born of you seeing the country.

And now what you're saying is you don't want to see it in the way that you used to see it, at least when it comes to the driving aspect of it.

I'll give you a perfect example.

I'm doing a project with MLB Network that'll come out later during baseball season.

And so we needed to get to Point St.

Lucie to shoot some stuff with spring training and whatever.

Well, the closest closest airport is West Palm, and that's a rental car plus 45 minutes.

The easier flight is Orlando, but Orlando's a two-hour drive to Port St.

Lucie.

I said, man, just fly me to West Palm so I can drive 45 minutes and I'll figure it out.

The old me

would have flown to Jacksonville, say what up to two of my homeboys who I ain't seen in a while, ran over to Tallahassee, yo, what's up, man?

I'm in Tallahassee.

All right, I got to go.

I got to go down to Port St.

Luc.

And then driven for, I'd have had a six-hour day before, and then shot.

Now I'm just, all right, I'll land at nine.

Cameras roll at two.

There's two contingency flights after the 9 a.m.

flight.

I'll still make the shoot on time.

All right,

let's do it.

What accounts for that difference in desire?

Is it energy?

Is it actually fearing the mortality rates of being on the road this often?

Why are you doing it?

It's a little bit of that.

It's more mortality, but then there's also just I'm 46 and I'm not 20, 26.

So there's a little bit of that as well.

But

I still love having the freedom to stop and pull over and smell the flowers and go in a Stuckeys and look at stupid trinkets and drift through a cracker barrel and play, is this racist?

As you look through certain shit on the shelf.

And

it's racist pretty often is my working hypothesis.

It feels, it's not like, they're not like selling swastikas and cracker bread.

Like, it's just, it's stuff that you feel like a racist person would also enjoy.

Like, non-racists would also enjoy this rocking chair, but I bet you racists really enjoy this rocking chair.

So, yeah, for me, man, it's just when I'm out, it's all right, what are the calculated risks here?

And I mean, cars are just wild because you can't control.

Like, the two places where you have to have the utmost of trust in another human being to behave is the freeway and a gun range.

It's literally blind trust on this particular day that everybody in this space is having a good day and is sober and is paying attention to what they're doing.

And if they aren't, something could go wrong.

So I don't know.

My spidey senses tend to be up when I'm in both places.

Like I've gone in gun ranges to shoot guns and just not like the vibe.

That dude looks like he's practicing for something that's not competition.

But yeah, everybody should shoot a gun at least once.

And then you can go, all right, no, no.

But, you know, there's people that just go, well, the gun represents in the power and it's a death weapon.

I don't want to touch it.

But, you know, I don't own a gun, but I go shoot guns.

I don't know what that means.

I feel like it's like...

I don't know.

I feel like I'm a dude that like goes to a strip club, but doesn't like own porn.

But I was going to make a parallel, though.

I was going to make the parallel, right?

So we're talking again, your special, Only Flowers, is about the loss of connection in human civilization and particularly in America.

And one of the things I think about when it comes to the isolation of people who are like porn addicts,

it's like better them in the porn gun range than them out in the street.

Is there a substitution effect of like, hey, I'm really into this.

I can only get these off

in a very controlled environment.

I had a joke that didn't make the special about how they're before you buy a gun, you should be forced to j off.

And like, you like, as part of whatever the federal backgrounds are

legislated, and then you come back in here, and now like it's either a three-day wait or off right now.

Fully agree

at the register.

There's a blue tent.

No, nobody's.

There's a blue tent like on an NFL.

You love this gun or you don't, bro.

So, as I'm watching your special, which is on Hulu, and you've talked about this a bunch, I want to avoid talking to you about exactly the things you've talked about with the exception of one joke, which is a classic.

It's the unintended consequences of what happens when you eliminate cashiers.

Yeah.

And when you institute self-checkout.

It's a lot of people that's alone in a basement just loading a rifle and once a week they need a snack.

And that cashier was the connection.

That's the job of the cashier to make lonely people feel like they have a connection.

She asking him about his dog and shit.

How's Mr.

Gibbles?

If you live alone and a cashier asks you about your dog, you thought, well, you'll ride that high for two months.

You go home and look at that rifle.

Man, i'm tripping let me put this rifle up

i got a friend at the grocery store i can't be out here murdering

it's it's it works because it is brilliant obvious and yet until now unsaid in this way you miss the small talk

you miss the small talk and like

If you're lonely, right?

And you're just, you live by yourself, you talk to no one, that cashier might be your only human contact this week and that person might literally be the only person who gives a about you and makes you feel cared for which forces you to move in love out in the world and maybe not murder maybe you were gonna murder And then this cashier reached out to you and goes, how is she like the cat food comes down the belt?

Oh, you're changing the cat food.

You're not like the other cat food.

Those little things matter.

So when I used to be a server at Golden Corral, bro, we had customers who would come in and just sit alone.

And like, yes,

but consistently, every week, they would come in and sit like, depending on what the night was, it was all like if it's steak night or if it's, you know, it's burger bar night, whatever.

There were certain people, this is their thing, and they come here and they read their paper.

Or some people, as they call it now, raw dogging, they would just sit and raw dog a restaurant.

It's 97, 98.

You're not really getting

cell data.

Like you're not cruising the internet the way you can now at a table.

So you had to pull out a magazine or just sit there and be alone in your thoughts.

And those people, especially the old ones, always appreciated

that level of connection.

Something that was really cool, man.

Like in Los Angeles, they do,

I can say in Los Angeles then, I don't know what they do now, but in 2014, 15, whatever, a lot of the live multi-camera sitcoms, some of the people in the studio audience are people from nursing homes, people from halfway houses, people that are going through recovery, and like legitimately people who deserve a place to feel connected and laugh and have some degree of optimism

about your existence.

That was part of the dynamic.

Yeah, they have like, at least on the Warner Brothers lot, where we were shooting Sullivan and son for TBS,

200, 300 seats, but a certain amount of those seats are blocked off and allocated for groups and homes and whatever.

Like

the trip to the sitcom is the reward for not

relapsing, like just something to give you a mile marker.

juveniles all of that man like and they would be in there and just be in the spot and just laughing and just having a good time and you go over and talk and shoot the with them between takes or whatever and I think that actively figuring out ways to connect with people man

you know that's the thing that's part of why I like traveling with my son is that it creates opportunities for communication because I just think

also kids don't talk to their parents.

I also think to a degree, parents don't ask the right questions.

Do you find

their kids to talk?

There was a fascinating uh

study someone was telling me about or at least it was an mit professor who was telling me and maybe this was anecdotal experience but what he found was that when he was on a road trip and both people were staring out the window and not looking at each other they just found that conversation was that much easier There was something about sharing the experience of being next to somebody and not like holding them to any sort of visual account.

And I wonder if that's something that that you found with your son.

Yeah, because you know, there's some parts of him, personality-wise, that are a thousand percent me.

And I just, I get it.

You want to draw fighter jets shooting fire trucks.

And you, what if the fire truck had an ice missile and you could just shoot that at the fire and put some liquid hydrogen in a missile and drop it on.

And I'm like, you know, that's not a bad idea to solve the wildfire issue.

I did have the thought: like, can't we get a bigger helicopter with with more water?

Isn't that part of some sort of solution we can arrive at here?

I know that the aerial attack on forest fires, I know it helps immensely, but watching at home on TV, it just always seems like they just flicked a little bit of water.

I was like, oh, look at that.

But then you see the footage.

No, it was like 23,000 gallons in that one plane.

And it helped a lot.

Yeah.

It's just like, you guys got to unlock the better.

The better ice missile stuff in the video game.

You're still in like, you know, rookie level.

I mean, like the tank the the tank of liquid o2 that froze the t-1000 and terminator that's right drop one of them

i wouldn't help that one that feels better than water it's where it's where i feel the most like trump is where i have questions like what if

we nuke the hurricane it could

maybe we could You say the hurricane's a problem.

Yeah, you have an answer.

Except for the fact that hurricanes have more kinetic energy than most nuclear bombs.

It's just spread out all over the place and happening at the same time.

It doesn't all explode at once.

Mr.

Wizard's watching ass.

Dad,

science facts.

Mr.

Wizard straight looked like he was on a watch list.

But

if I tell you that it smells, you don't want to put your nose right over the top because scientists always do it like this.

You smell it?

Mm-hmm.

What is it?

I don't know, but it just smells really strong.

Yeah.

It's ammonia.

None but respect for you, Mr.

Wizard.

I don't know if you're still alive or not, but just, it just, it had all the makings of he has to report whenever he moves and changes addresses.

But he's doing science.

The late, great Mr.

Wizard.

Oh, he's out of here.

As of 07.

Rest his soul.

It just feels like one of those titles that you read in parentheses and with quote marks in like the deposition document.

Yeah.

Mr.

Wizard.

Yeah, man, but that was my shit, man.

I have noticed, though, in all of this, like what you're really talking about is the value of certainly in grocery stores, of small talk.

And that's what sports was always.

Yeah.

That was always what sports was for me.

was a way to connect with people, whether it's at a wedding reception in Arkansas or whether it's just friends at school.

Like I also speak your language fluently.

To me, the easiest way to connect with any stranger is sports or collective complaining about whatever's happening in that moment.

Yeah, that's why the weather

is always there for you if you don't know about the Mets.

Yeah, if the line's too long, what the hell is it?

How long it take to make a burger?

It's a burger.

But in that, there's not a bond as much as it is.

You're both group hating.

It's almost a pylon.

So it becomes like a group of customers versus the cashier.

Like when people get more and more irated the airplane gate, when they won't tell you why there's a delay, and then people all start kind of barking at

the gate, it's ended.

You don't turn and swap numbers at the end of that.

That's not someone you're going to see on a regular basis.

So it's like, you know what?

We should meet up later to do this again.

Yeah.

It's like, no, it's like, just good say, all right, man, have a good day.

Yeah, man.

Good, good.

Yeah, man.

Glad you got to.

Common cause, though.

A common cause, however, temporary.

Yeah.

You know, when you really, when I really feel connected is when i'm at the dmv or any type of office where there's a long wait like any long wait fluorescent light

neo in the matrix act one hellhole

and then when you finally get your number called and then when you're on your way out and then you speak to someone who you've been there in the trenches with waiting that whole time

hey man good luck to you man is can you get it done it's like getting a covet test like week two of the shutdown where they'll they make you stand stand on the in New York, they make you stand on the sidewalk to go in to get you, so you'd be out there in the cold with a bunch of other just random people trying to get your COVID test so you could be allowed to go do whatever the

and

I remember bonding with strangers then.

There was no politics then, nobody cared.

I was at the daily show then.

Oh, absolutely.

I mean, again, just not to belabor this, but like New York early COVID, it was very clear we were all like living the sci-fi movie and we knew what time it was.

Yeah, I felt I never felt more closer to New Yorkers than pots and pans being banged out windows.

That was real.

Clapping, seven o'clock clap.

On

trying,

trying to break through the

literal walls and windows of the city.

Do you still,

when you go to sporting events, I don't know how much you go alone, but do you still make small talk with people in the seats around you when you get to the event or are you in the phone?

Got to.

Because by the way, that's the

sign that

we're getting our money's worth.

Like the biggest experiment that I think people don't reflect on enough, and I say this, but we ran an experiment, a global experiment in which we did something that was previously impossible.

We played sports without fans,

and everyone

hated it.

You could watch it on TV, but every player, every coach, every virtual fan.

I was a virtual fan.

Really?

In the NBA bubble on a screen.

It sucked.

It sucked.

And everybody could articulate.

I forgot about that.

We really did have

in the Zoom boxes on a Jumbotron.

It was weird.

Going out.

Yes.

Looking like a Konami game from 1994.

Yeah.

The background character in a Street Fighter level, just like jumping up and down on a loop because they didn't give you anything else to do.

We tried it.

And what we all missed in ways that we could never fully appreciate or understand until we tested it was that there is something so much more profoundly important about people connecting in the same building, watching something together.

Yeah, even if I hate you for rooting for that team, there's still something

in it.

I went to a NASCAR, I went to my first NASCAR race

earlier this year.

Green flag is in the air.

We are racing at Atlanta.

And

we went over two two days.

I went with my son

the first day to watch Truck Series, right?

And we go and we watch Roger Karouf and all the other

Blaney and all these other races.

And

it's a great, it was good.

It was perfectly fine, great sports experience.

Like, you know, knee-jerk, NASCAR, you think one thing, and you get there, and then you see Big Boy from Outcast and Young Jeezy.

And I'm like,

okay.

And it's just

regular people.

Yes, there's people going, yeah, show your butthole and

like there's that.

But by and large,

no different than going to a baseball game in a regular season.

And so I get out in the crowd and the thing that I enjoy when I'm new to a sport is whatever the new tradition thing is.

And I didn't know this, but.

On a race restart, as they're coming back around to the start line to restart the race and the pace car pulls off.

Everybody stands up and like cheers for the restart.

I guess you're cheering for your driver.

I guess your driver can see you and go, oh, yeah, I'm inspired.

Like you're in the dock watching the Titanic

ship up.

Literally, it's literally that.

Like it's some sort of like,

go get them, boys.

Get back up for no reason.

But everybody stands.

Like it's just not even,

it's none of the, it's just, it's understood.

And so that was enough of an end point for me to just start talking and chopping it up with people.

But NASCAR is interesting in that in terms of the fan chit chat,

you really can't do a lot of it.

I can't look at you.

So to your point of just having this shared experience that's eyes forward of all of the sports that we have in America, NASCAR is a thousand percent.

You're in my periphery and I'm talking and we're having a conversation, but the whole time I'm locked in because the split second I turn to you, I'm going to miss the thing.

Be it a wreck, be it a brave move, some shake and bake draft, whatever,

you don't want to miss it.

And it's one of the most social yet antisocial sporting experiences I think I've ever had.

It's funny that politicians are finally realizing that if we're all going to be fighting in a culture war, maybe you don't want to see the territory.

upon which the most people in America are sitting, which is sports.

I wonder wonder what you think of it because you're somebody who is actually

a baseball fan.

And suddenly,

again, in the DNC, there is this prioritization of seemingly the religion that was most popular for the entirety of American history, which is sports.

I think that politicians, and this is not just sports, this comes down to eating the stupid rib or whatever.

Now is when you should go to a game and just be seen as regular and it not be a big production.

God bless Ted Cruz.

Man.

Ted Cruz on this blood of Astros.

And don't care if you boo him.

And he has no agenda.

Ted Cruz will just show up to get booed and there is no vote coming up.

No.

I'm just here to bathe in the hate and root on my astros.

Good for you, Ted Cruz.

I think Democrats overthink everything.

I think everything is just, we must measure five times before we decide to do the thing.

And then you end up looking like you over, like you overthought it.

You know, I think the more you can have people see you as just regular, especially when we framed politicians, especially Democrats, as elitists,

then you got to regular yourself up just a little bit.

Like, like I know Gavin Newsom just talked with Steve Bannon.

And okay, we can assume that if Newsom's positioning himself for a presidential run, that's to try to appeal a little bit to the centrist voter who, you know, whatever.

Okay, fine.

You could have spent that same money on that podcast episode and just went to a rodeo

and just be at a rodeo.

And like, no camera, no, no, just be at a rodeo.

And then just let the people with camera phones will do the work for you.

And then just go, oh yeah, I go to the rodeo sometime.

And then don't make anything of it.

I mean, look, there are just so many easy ways to test.

Every sports fan knows when someone is pretending to be a sports fan.

Yes.

We can all tell.

Yes.

Because there are little linguistic giveaways and references and names and people who can't actually hit the tennis ball back and forth of language.

Yeah.

I took my senior portrait in a Sammy Sosa Cubs

spring training batting practice jersey.

My mom has never been more

infuriated with me, and I've never been more proud

than that moment to just pack that jersey, hide it, get to the photo, get to the Olin Mills little photos.

You wildcat packed this jersey and put it on.

Yeah, buddy.

Okay, no, you got your tuxedo over there.

I'm not wearing no tuxedo.

Put me in the social

2-1.

If you're looking to add something special to your next celebration, try Remy Martin 1738 Accord Royale.

This smooth, flavorful cognac is crafted from the finest grapes and aged to perfection, giving you rich notes of oak and caramel with every sip.

Whether you're celebrating a big win or simply enjoying some cocktails with family and friends, Remy Martin 1738 is the perfect spirit to elevate any occasion.

So go ahead, treat yourself to a little luxury, and try Remy Martin 1738 Accord Royale.

Learn more at remymartin.com.

Remy Martin Cognack, Feene Champain, at Fortune Alcoholic Volume, recorded by Remy Control, USA, Inc.

York, New York, 1738.

Centaur design.

Please drink responsibly.

The bar is literally, can you plausibly

name three players from the team that you say you're a fan of?

Yes.

I also think that politicians need to pick the one thing they are good at physically and do that.

Because then we'll assume you can do all the other things.

You never saw Barack Obama swing a baseball bat.

That's not what I do.

I hoop.

So you will see me hooping.

And because you see me hooping all the time, you will assume I know ball.

Like all of these politicians right now.

and potential politicians, you just got to just be yourself and just be like, if you like grilling, just grill.

Like, if we'd have gotten more time with Tim Waltz, just one of the big disappointments, by the way, the subtext of all of this is that I thought we had the guy

who could do this for

the non-Trump sectors of our country.

And

he was not it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But like on paper, if I told you the Democrats, come is going to be paired with a guy that shovels snow, he likes state fair food, and he used to coach football, and he could talk X's and O's.

I would have put Tim Waltz on every

first person I'd have sent him is Paul Feinbaum.

Yes.

Yes.

You know, Paul, going from Coach Sabin to Coach Deborah is like going to bed married to Beyonce and waking up with Woofie Goldberg laying next to your brother.

If I'm the DNC and I'm running the playbook on how to introduce a candidate to the damn ball,

have him do interviews with sports people.

And if he just only talks ball, just be the regular dude, just be a guest on a thing on a regular basis.

Because the thing about a lot of these shows as well, like I also think politicians are intimidated by programs like this because they feel like they're going to get exposed for not knowing.

So

I don't know if this is the playbook for midterms or for next year,

but as much as you can try and just be a regular person,

do that and let people see that.

And I hate to say it, but that's the type of stupid shit that connects with voters.

Well, again, connection, right?

Like,

what does it mean?

It means that someone else sees a bit of themselves in you.

And it's not that hard, actually.

It's kind of the whole glue that kept a grocery store functioning.

Although we never appreciated it until we took that out.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's like, oh, wow, she is just like me, even though you don't look like me.

Oh, you have a cat too?

Oh, you have a dog.

Oh, you know, another place where men used to bond

AutoZone.

I don't know what kind of car you had.

I am born and raised in this city, which means that these are foreign lands to me.

So please explain what I've missed at Auto Zone.

AutoZone and I guess advanced auto parts.

We didn't have those growing up in Birmingham, but Birmingham was an AutoZone city.

This is before O'Reilly's and all auto lines.

So the jingles.

More than I know the places.

Auto zone was like circuit city of that era of car repair.

And you would pull into an auto zone in a middle-class neighborhood, and it would just be a dude fixing his shit in the parking lot.

His shit's on bricks, and he's going inside part by part.

I need that.

And you would just turn to him.

Hey, man, how long you been working on?

What's the thing?

Man, I tell you, man, I ain't trying to get this thing started.

But the starter and the manifold.

And then another person behind him, well, you know the problem with that manifold.

They had a call.

They had a recall on that one, man.

What you got to do is get it in there.

Did you put the thing?

Man, let me go get the shit.

And they'll go down an aisle and come back with some shit you need to put in the car on top of what you are.

Just

bonding.

Like, it's what, like.

It became a group project.

Like, I'm thinking of like legitimate places where men

just immediately just start talking to each other.

Specifically, and most importantly, lately with people who they otherwise are not agreeing with or talking to or any of that.

I would never talk to you outside of this building, but in this space, I know we have the same interests and the same struggle.

Because most everybody that's at AutoZone, it's because you got a check engine light on,

you're in a pinch, or you're waiting on a part, or you're a do-it-yourselfer.

You know, Home Depot, a little bit, but it's more aisle by aisle at Home Depot more than the store as a whole.

Like if you and a dude are looking at the same rack of shit, then you will discuss what dude thing you're doing today with whatever's on this rack.

But AutoZone, man, I remember going there many a time to get a new belt or to do something with my radiator for my first car in high school.

And there would just be men in the parking lot just to the point where

When they used to offer at these car repair shops, they would offer, we'll change the battery for you.

We'll change your windshield wiper.

If you buy your wipers here, we'll come on.

If you were a man and that AutoZone employee came out there behind you to do anything to your car, use a b ⁇ .

Use a b ⁇ .

And so it was like the pressure to just.

And I'm like 17, bro.

I'm putting fan belts on and shit in the parking lot

because I just want to feel like a man.

Like, that's for women.

Go check the woman's battery when she gets to.

And so I remember like just doing stuff under the hood and tinkering with the car in the parking lot.

And strangers, come over.

You good, young blood?

What's going on with it?

Get in there, start it up for me real quick.

Let me listen to it.

Like that type of shit.

I remember that distinctly, man.

And I don't know where that went.

It's, you've described the feeling that, again, as a young person, I imagine part of it is like, oh, and I also fit in.

Yeah.

Like there's this larger community of people with some interests that I also share

and they see me.

There's a sense of belonging.

And I think that's where we are now.

And I think that's why a lot of people, it's very easy to entrench in things that have harmful or dangerous.

premises or rhetorics, even if you don't condone it, they've accepted you and they've taken you into their fold.

And that's enough.

If you've been alone, it's no different than joining a gang.

You're talking about the idea of family and the need for connection and need to feel provided for and to be shoulder to shoulder with people that you feel like you have some sort of shared struggle with as well, or a common enemy as well.

So I think that's where a lot of the online connection comes from.

And to me, that's the issue is that to find that tribe and those groups of people back in the day, you used to have to leave the house.

Now you can be in a message board and be in a group with a bunch of other dudes and y'all all talk, but you never meet.

Y'all never go show up to the, to the Dungeons and Dragons live tournament.

Like it's whatever you're doing online is the only thing you do.

So you're in your Twitch stream and you got five people and you play Call of Duty together.

You run missions for some first person shooter together.

And that's good to a degree, but the moment you turn that headset off and go back out into the real world, who are you?

And what are you?

How are you connecting?

You're still lacking something.

Are you scared of AI at all, or is it like 3D televisions to you?

Remember when that was the future?

Oh, yeah.

Smart is simple control.

Smart is 3D videos on demand.

Smart is LG Simmons 3D Smart TV.

So, how smart is your 3D?

Everything was going to be 3D.

You're going to have a 3D experience at the house.

Then it was going to be VR, and VR is going to be the future.

And then it was metaverse.

I accidentally went to what has been labeled a 4D movie.

Are you familiar with what the fourth dimension is?

way the shit shakes, the chair shakes,

yes, and they will also like shoot gusts of like compressed air at you.

Pass.

It was

a horrible.

Is it smells too?

Like in a car chase, can you smell like rubber and all of that?

Some smell-of-vision.

I heard that's coming.

The burning flesh that they won't otherwise want to show you in the news.

You can see it.

There's a ride at Universal Studios in Orlando, Spider-Man the Ride.

I can't remember what it's called, but the Spider-Man ride at Universal.

And

you're essentially, you're in a chair from Spider-Man's POV, and you fly all around, and you know, whatever.

And the Green Goblin, there's a part where the Green Goblin throws one of those firebombs at you, and flames shoot out.

And then a mist of water comes across your face as you go down under the Brooklyn Bridge.

I don't need all of that.

Just show me the movie, man.

Just show me the people fighting.

I'm cool with the seat vibrating a little bit for action films.

Like, I thought that was a neat effect, depending on the film.

I think I saw one of the, one of the more recent Fast and Furious movies a couple of years ago.

Like, that was like.

That's, I saw Fast and Furious in 4D.

And my only,

my main critique was that I wasn't prepared for how herky and jerky that seat was going to be.

Yeah.

And then it's also a subwarfor under under the seat as well.

So you can feel the music and the score and all of that.

But they got it.

I'll give the theaters credit.

They're trying to do whatever they can to stay open.

The first thing they need to do is cut the amount of screens.

Like if the theater industry's failing and struggling, we don't need 20, you don't need an AMC 30 anymore.

Or come to the Starlight Cinema 27 screen.

Why?

There's only four movies out this week, bro, and only two of them are really legitimately worth leaving the house for right now.

What are you doing with those screens?

What are you doing with those runes?

I don't know.

Lisa, Airbnb, I don't know.

But the idea of having 20 screens to show six movies feels odd.

I know when you get, you know, it's gangbusters when you get like a tent poll.

Like, say, all right, when the new Mission and Pop, like when Top Gun came out, Top Gun was like...

One third of all the screens at every movie theater.

AMC 14, 10 of them are Top Gun, as it should be.

That's the blockbuster.

But more often than I, I think we need to go back to the six and the eight

10 screen max type spaces, you know.

But, you know, the theaters are trying, man.

The food has gotten better-ish.

Well, there's a whole debate about whether movie theaters should be serving dinner in the way that now.

What's the debate?

Why not?

Like, is it the clinking?

You're talking about table service, like draft house, Alamo draft house?

Alamo draft house model.

I'm not crazy about somebody just walking in and okay what else do you want right right ordering uh avocado toast yeah but if you if the avocado toast is out in the lobby you want to go get it like i'm fine with that i think the popcorn and the

burgers and dogs is played out so i mean adding something to try and get people to the theater i get it you know

hot dogs and burgers being played out is the most un-American thing you've said this entire time.

It's not enough to get me to go see a movie.

Like that alone is not.

Like the food actually has to be part of the read.

Like the film is cool, but you have to, what else you got?

Like, that's what it's got to be.

So that's why you're getting sprayed in the face with God knows what chemical that hasn't been checked by this government.

At the end here,

we have found footage of Barack Obama swinging a baseball bat.

Wow.

And I'd like to show it to you.

And I'd like you to describe what you're seeing.

Wow.

And as

a scout,

let me just turn it around for the right moment.

There you go.

Okay.

Not bad.

Didn't step into it, but he's got a good follow-through.

He must play golf.

That is a, I was going to say, that is.

It's a golf back screen.

It's reapplied for baseball.

His shirt is tucked into his jeans.

He hit that out the infield, though, on the fly.

Didn't hit no weak grounder.

He could play in a celebrity softball game and be okay.

Oh, God.

Have you seen the footage of...

You've seen the footage of Ted Cruz playing basketball.

So here we go.

This game goes to 11.

Cruz

gets the rebound.

See, and that's what happened.

And then they laugh at you.

And then they go, ha, ha ha, you can't govern because you have no dribble.

You have to just do the one thing you're good at in public for a long time, and then people will trust and assume that you can do other things good.

That's the simplicity of the American voter.

If we see you do good one thing, then we think you do good everything.

Everybody talking about Stephen A.

Smith running for president, but I'm just saying

the bar is low.

I'm just saying that the prequisites for the resume of president have changed.

We're never going back to some Harvard law.

He was a governor for a while and he was a senator.

No.

Everything we've said in this conversation indicates that that era is over.

It just feels like when, again,

Godzilla is attacking your city, and we need our own monster to fight him.

Yes.

Absolutely.

And I need to.

You send in your Mothra.

Mothra A.

Smith.

Go take care of this.

Yeah.

We'll see what happens at midterms.

I don't want to speak too much of it into existence because I don't know if he really

wants to do that.

I think he's.

But if it's ever anybody that could pardon me for those credit cards, I stole a 98 to be president Stephen A.

Smith, so I'm kind of pulling for him.

Tired of answering them extra questions when I go to Canada.

You know, that's what they make you do in Canada when you commit a crime in America.

They pull you off to the side and ask you all these extra questions to make sure you're not coming here to do the crimes.

When they Google the New York Times story about you and they say, what is this, quote, youthful indiscretion?

Yeah, literally.

That's literally what it is.

And then they go through NCIC and then they find out, oh, this feels like more than an indiscretion.

I don't like it, was it?

It's just credit cards, baby.

I was 19.

Good times, right?

And then you go sit here for four hours while we decide.

That's right.

Roy Wood Jr., I appreciate you coming to this studio in person and, you know, doing the thing that I love to do with you, which is legitimately and not coincidentally connect.

We have to catch a game.

Oh, man.

And I say that with seriousness and sincerity because I don't go to sporting events with everyone.

I go with my son and I go with people who legitimately appreciate the game that is being played and not showing up to take a bunch of selfies

Roy, it would be my honor to stare straight ahead and not have to look at each other and just get mad at stuff with you.

You would like NASCAR.

I don't know if you've ever gone, bro.

If you want to take me to a NASCAR race, I'm not bullshit.

Now, it's an all-day thing.

It's three out.

Depending on which day you go, the race itself is three out, but you got to go like two hours beforehand and hang and drink.

Yeah, I will

dare I say this.

I got a NASCAR guy.

Oh, God.

You got Roywood Jr., what I found out today on this episode of Pollatory Finds Out, a show about finding stuff out, is that you're my NASCAR plug.

I got a NASCAR plug.

Like, all my other friends, like, get invited to Oscar parties.

And, like,

the other day, what was it, Planet Hollywood opened in New York City, and they had every A-lister on Earth there.

I don't get invited to none of that.

But I've got a guy right now that can get me into mission control at NASA.

And we can talk to people at the space station

right now.

I got a guy until Elon fires him.

I got a guy

right now.

Those are the type of connects I have.

NASCAR,

auto-racing,

space.

I got to imagine.

And the Cubs.

Eight-year-old Roy Wood Jr.

could not be more thrilled that this is how his life turned out.

It's insane.

It's absolutely insane.

Thank you for doing this, man.

Thank you for having me, brother.

This has been Pablo Torre finds out a Metalark Media Production.

And I'll talk to you next time.