Our Election-Free Share & Tell with Katie Nolan and Michael Cruz Kayne

Welcome to Pablo Torre Finds Out.

I am Pablo Torre, and today we're going to find out what this sound is.

I think the crust serves a purpose.

It's like, why don't they make skinless people?

Yeah.

Wow.

I just fucking got my mind blown on that one.

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What's the gummy bears for?

Why is one of them rogue?

You'll see.

The rogue bear.

Should I take my teeth out now?

Are we going to be doing eating?

The fans at home would want to see the

take the Invisalign out.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Suck it up.

See the guts that are all over the Invisalign.

23 out of 26.

23 of 26.

Okay.

Wait, wait, wait.

I don't know what that means.

And you're a full werewolf.

I do 26 trays.

So every 10 days I swap for a new tray, getting closer to my goal.

And there's 26 total trays.

And I'm on my 23rd.

Can I stop you right there?

What happens to the old trays?

I throw them right out.

I use them.

That's a waste.

The first time I tried this,

you could be selling that.

I think if I was currently peaking, probably.

I don't think at my current state, I'm in the sell-used Invisalign market.

How do we end up here, Pablo?

What's wrong with you, dude?

So, at this point, you might expect me to use that question from our friend Michael Cruz Kane to conveniently segue into some broader description of everything that's wrong with post-election America, which we kind of did last episode.

But the reason that I am not doing that here is because the entire point of today's episode, in fact, is to not do that.

And to ensure that we didn't do that with this edition of Share and Tell,

we taped very strategically

two days before Election Day happened.

That's right, we made a time capsule of sorts.

A silo, you might call it.

But not the kind of, you know, cultural silo that we usually talk about here.

More the kind where Katie Nolan, it turns out, recently purchased her new wardrobe.

I bought this in the Catskills on vacation this last week.

It's short-sleeved, but

armholes.

You thought I just had a blanket.

A shawl.

I thought you were just wearing a shawl.

Now I'm wondering if people on the train thought I just had a blanket wrapped around me.

This is a full sweater.

It was sold to be worn.

Not even like a

it was made to be clothing, and I bought it at the world's largest kaleidoscope in the Catskills.

We're gonna immediately start googling this world.

I don't want to slander it because it's like a nice little operation that they got in a silo on the side of the road.

Emerson Kaleidoscope.

I didn't read any of the stuff, but the lady was like, you can read right here.

The next showing's in five minutes.

I didn't.

I think it's like mirrors that go up into the tube of the silo.

You are at the bottom, and they built this little contraption where you like lean and you just like look up into it.

And they just show basically the like Windows music player

screensaver at the top of the and the mirrors reflect it back to you.

While it's doing that, there's a woman with a British accent who's like, come along on a trip to space where we learn where humanity was born.

No offense, and I hope anybody that works there or was involved in its creation tunes out here.

But like the quality of the screen could have been better.

I'm getting Amish sphere vibes.

When did they sell you this sweater?

Oh, afterwards, there were like little shops all around.

So Dan and I were like, we came all this way and that kind of blew.

So let's take a look at the clothes.

But it was nice to go shopping and go, oh, I can only choose from these five sweaters and I like this one.

And then I bought it.

Instead of going, I want a sweater.

Let me Google sweater.

Let me find any sweater ever sold.

Let me see a picture of everybody.

Let me decide how much I think I should pay for a sweater.

I just was like, this is the price.

This is the sweater.

Buy it.

I also bought these pants.

They're made of.

Oh my gosh.

you you you are wearing an all world's largest kaleidoscope outfit the shirts from amazon the pants do look incredibly comfortable they're great and sometimes i don't hate god's pants i guess i don't know any songs

uh

what if gauze was watching on my pants okay very good

We're doing something that we have not done, which is

a musical episode.

And I think that's fun.

La la la la la, meet me up here.

Then I'm also down here.

I'll be down here.

No, you won't.

No.

People are throwing their phones in the trash.

I didn't know he had that in him.

Me neither.

Wow.

Beautiful.

We're doing an episode that is completely insulated from what the real world must be like today.

Not that we would know.

November 12th, 2024.

If there even is a world.

This might be our last transmission.

We wanted to give people a reprieve explicitly from what everybody else must have been talking about for the last week or so.

Sure.

Which is, again, the world's largest kaleidoscope.

Imagine it all just goes off without a hitch and everybody goes, well, that's that.

And everything just goes off.

Let's check out this big kaleidoscope.

It's crazy.

I asked you guys for your answer to a question.

And I presume that the mood,

let's make some just general emotional guesses.

Right now, I'm assuming that people are

screaming.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Screaming.

Yeah.

Wrapped in a well.

The vibes are fraught.

Vibes are off.

I'm crying probably.

Wherever I am, I'm probably crying.

Yeah, I think I'm trying to sleep.

Wherever it is, I'm just trying to be.

Could I be asleep now instead of whatever's happening?

Maybe I could be asleep.

Yeah.

I'm definitely scratching.

It's dry.

Yeah.

Yes.

Real dry.

Yes.

Okay.

You get the nervous itchies.

You get a little itchy when you get nervous.

So much so that I will look down and be like, when did that claw me?

Oh, no.

And then realize

it was you.

It was me.

All along.

It was you.

Yeah.

A real Tucker Carlson recognizing a demon situation.

Wow.

I asked you guys, what videos do you watch to make yourselves feel better?

And I feel like this is a service to our audience and also to ourselves, honestly.

And Katie provided an answer that was unexpected.

Yeah.

A great answer.

That's why it works.

I have become emotionally attached to a video of Bjork from the 80s, late 80s, I believe, taking apart a television and describing the parts inside of it.

And there's just something about Bjork that she's just got this wonderful creativity that obviously comes across in her music if you're a fan, which I am.

But she's also just like a, she's like a, she's like a child.

Hello.

It is Christmas time and I'm sitting here by my TV.

Can I just tell you that Ryan Cortez, producer behind the glass, just got in my ear and earnestly?

No, no, no, no.

Bjork is a woman?

Hmm.

It's almost a fair question because I do feel like Bjork is something she would take that as a compliment.

She's almost like an element or something.

Yes.

Yes.

She is carbon.

Yeah.

Yes.

I've been watching it very much lately because I'm on a holiday and I've been seeing all those programs about all sorts of things about Icelandics being very

happy about Christmas, very gay and also very serious and spiritual.

And also seeing Icelandic

comic people making jokes, which they are very good at.

But now I'm curious.

I've switched the TV off, and now I want to see how it operates,

how it can make, put me into all those weird situations.

Oh boy.

So she had just been like leaning cheek to monitor.

Yeah.

And she's rotating this television around.

Yeah, it's real thick.

It's a real thick

TV back before they made them, you know, flat.

And then they made them curved.

What was that?

Are we still doing that?

Her hair almost looks like she tried this without unplugging it first.

Sure does.

This is what it looks like.

Look at this.

This looks like a city, like a little model of a city.

And all the houses which are here, and streets.

This is maybe an elevator to go up there.

So she's like tracing her finger over the circuit boards.

These fires

they really

take care of all the electrons when they come through here.

They take care of that they are powerful enough to get all the way through here.

I read that in a Danish book this morning.

This morning.

I read that in a Danish book this morning.

And this beautiful television has put me, like I said before, in all sorts of situations.

I remember being very scared to it because an Icelandic poet told me that not like in cinemas were

the thing that

throws the picture from it

just sends lights on the screen.

But this is different.

This is millions and millions of little screens

who send

a light on you,

some sort of

electrical light.

York seems to have simultaneously tremendous knowledge and zero knowledge of this television at the same time.

Yes.

She's very bright and she also has like a complete childlike wonder.

Whimsy.

I really wanted to point out that she talks about the individual little screens, and then she describes them as who.

You know what I mean?

Individual little screens, who do whatever.

Anthropomorphicizing.

Yes.

Yes.

Anthropomorphizing.

Pomorphizing, I think.

Anthropomorphizing.

Am I absolutely?

Anthropomorphicizing or promorphizing?

Yours feels right.

Pomorphjorking.

That hurts.

Mine feels right.

Anthro-bjorcomorph.

We're going to, we're going to, we're going to, we're going to go.

She drops a bar.

She just drops a bar at the end.

We do have to to get to just the last part.

It's a bar.

Katie will never rest unless we see this next part.

It's my favorite video on earth.

But then later on, when I got my Danish book on television, I stopped being afraid because I

read the truth.

And that's the scientific truth, which is much better.

You shouldn't let poets lie to you.

You shouldn't let poets lie to you.

We'll point out that Scientifical was a little bit of an anthropomorphicizing.

Oh, so it was wrong.

So you looked it up in a while.

The jury's still out.

Okay.

Hard to know.

Both are still coming in.

It's just like such a different time when you didn't understand something.

You would take it apart and read a Danish book about it that morning and then consider it like a city.

And like her understanding of it.

Not to get too deep about the silly video that I watched to make me feel better.

I do want to know why it speaks to you in a real way.

It's the way she, her understanding of it is enough for her.

She makes it make sense to her.

And then she's like, I can explain it to you how it makes sense to me.

And she's not worried about making sure everybody understands it.

And she's not worried about being actually fully correct.

But she's like, just coming from a sweet place of curiosity in a way that I don't think, I mean, now you just Google if the word you said was wrong, you know?

It's like ancient.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

It's like, it's like the wise woman from the village came out and saw a TV and she's going to tell the rest of the village how it works.

Like it does look like a city.

They look like little buildings.

She's absolutely correct.

The last line that she had.

Never, you shouldn't let poets lie to you.

Man.

Yeah.

That's just.

You shouldn't.

That's just wisdom.

I know.

Very true.

I always feel like there's something a little immodest whenever I see like a piece of technology uncovered.

I'm like, oh, put that on your pants on.

Put your pants on.

We're not supposed to see this.

Like when you, when a semi-truck doesn't have the trailer on, I'm like, this is, this should not be out here.

This is gross.

This is becoming

my family.

Yeah, exactly.

This is a road that everyone can drive on.

Put a trailer on.

This is becoming deeply revealing about Michael Bruce Kane.

I am really anthropomorphic, so surmising the stuff.

This is a video that I watched to make myself feel better.

Okay.

Back to you live at the Waterfront Village with my friend, the zombie, Jonathan.

You're looking good.

Jonathan just got an awesome face paint job.

What do you think?

I like turtles.

All right.

You're a great zombie.

Good times here at the Waterfront Village.

It doesn't make me feel good because you can hear the spit in her mouth when she's like, I don't know what what to do with that.

That's not what I,

and I am back to you.

It's so stressful.

So far, the common thread in what Katie and I both enjoy is that there is an analog,

pre-modern aspect to these things.

Obviously, local news is a fertile territory.

Yeah.

There's an innocence to a reporter being like, yep.

Kid said that.

So

that's a hard one to segue from.

Back to you, Doug.

It's the sort of video also where my wife and I will just tell each other, taunt each other with, I like turtles, whenever the other person just says something completely just obvious and stupid.

It feels like the early version of the corn kid.

I can't imagine a more beautiful thing.

It's corn.

Isn't the grape smashing thing also a local news thing?

It's a lot of fun.

A whole day.

Stop.

Oh, stop.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, I can't.

Oh, ow, ow, ow,

It had a sense of this was not faked in the way that every TikTok video to me feels.

It's kind of like how if someone has a blue check mark on Twitter now, I don't trust.

Like the only authentic viral tweet to me is the person who cannot monetize it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was, I want to be clear, I was giving mine back.

I didn't ask for it.

He gave it back to me.

So I didn't turn it down.

That's right.

Can't be be trusted.

But I don't pay for it.

Using all that Twitter money to buy kaleidoscope sweaters.

Yeah, well, not gonna buy themselves.

Michael, my video is not like that.

Is that what you're about to show?

The video that I sent?

Of course, we are.

Why wouldn't we?

Old men forget.

What?

It all shall be forgot, but he'll remember with advantages what feats he did that day.

Then shall our names, familiar in their mouths, as household words.

Harry the King, Bedford and Exeter, Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester be in their flowing cups, freshly remembered.

This story shall the good man teach his son.

And Crispin, Crispy, and Shampair go by.

Oh, my God, the little newsy to the ending of the three Santa Fe bail.

But we in it shall be remembered.

We few.

We few.

We happy.

We happy few.

We banned the brothers.

You're crying right now.

We band of brothers

shall be my brother.

Be he ne'er so vile, this day shall gentle his condition.

And gentlemen in England, now abed, shall think themselves accursed they were not here,

and hold their manhoods cheap, whilst any speaks and thought with us

upon said Prespens Day.

Yeah, Christian Bale.

It's like Independence Day, but old.

But very old.

What's that from?

Henry Five.

Of course.

Henry Five.

Henry Five.

Shakespeare said it's Kenneth Branagh.

Yes, of course.

Yes, of course.

Yes.

The Empire Strikes Back of Henry's.

If you will.

I don't know what to tell you except that I love that friggin' clip.

I love that clip.

It really, it gets both the part of me that like from the beginning of time, masculinity, of which I have extremely little, and then also the pretentious part of me that's like, well, I do love the bard you know i mean it hits it hits both of those yeah it's like how again uh remembered yes yeah remember it did not stick around

something that sounds so wrong and yet because it's said in the accent of shakespeare we go well that's correct so very wrong must be must be right a little anthropomorphizing if you might even say if you will yeah i won't but somebody will i used to teach sat well test prep in general for a living uh jealous and

frequently would show that clip to kids like the week before the SAT.

And frequently they'd be like, I don't know what this is.

This is resonate with me.

This isn't helping me at all.

This is making it harder.

St.

Crispin's Day.

Yeah.

What is that?

I don't know what that is.

I don't know what that is or who that is.

Not the first clue.

No.

Oh, great.

Because it doesn't matter.

It's really kind of tertiary to the point.

St.

Crispin, maybe like the Saint

Saint of Fried Chicken or something.

Cereal.

Cereal.

Ooh, good.

Like Crispy's.

Crispin addicts.

He's addicted to the Crispin.

The feast day of Christian Saints, Crispin and Crispinian.

Crispinian.

Crispinian.

We know they're two different people.

They are twins who were martyred.

What?

Circa 286.

Felt like the doctor was like, you got to name them both right now.

Crispin and Crispin.

And the other one.

What's the other one?

Crispinness.

Crispinius.

Great.

I'm writing it down.

That's his name now.

Golly.

Both the patron saints of cobblers, leather workers, tanners, saddlers,

and glovelace and shoemakers.

Another genre of comfort video, it turns out, is cobbling.

Is that cobbling when you do it to a horse?

I didn't think so.

The sort of video where you're like, oh, this must hurt, but it doesn't.

Or no, yeah, it must, I think it must feel good.

Ever since pimple popping videos got too much, since they became like removing cysts, I'm like, that's not what I signed up for.

I just wanted to watch somebody like gently pop a button like get a bunch of out that's now what i go to the horse videos let me see some let me see some horse football i don't want to see maybe blood i don't want to see i don't want to get gory i just want you to relieve this horse of his gook yeah the thing gook removal his gunk is get it out the thing about those horse shoe uh replacement videos yeah is that there's always more gunk than you think yes oh yeah you think it's over and then they ski get to scooping the gunk goes deep

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should we talk about uncrustables

huh

I brought a video that uh

that does make me feel good.

Okay.

Wait, sorry, this is another video.

Are you introducing another video?

Are we going back to the video?

No, I think we brought, I think you brought two.

We're moving forward.

Oh, I brought another video.

You brought another video.

Let's do it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Meat lethal shooter.

They're gonna be shooting gummy bears inside of a water bottle.

They must have thought I wasn't gonna see this.

They must have thought I wasn't gonna see this, Nate.

Today, I'm gonna be making gummies through a water bottle.

Buckets.

Y'all didn't push me to this.

What?

You didn't push me to this.

okay i understand it now

i understand it now

i'm not playing with y'all i'm not playing with y'all stay locked in show them that it's real these ain't no edits these ain't no edits these real gummies look at the size of those look at the size of

Yeah, regulation.

A question first?

Yep.

Why is he out of breath?

So this may be a tip as to how long Lethal Shooter had been lethally shooting gummy bears into water bottles.

Sure.

You've got to imagine, right?

Because that man's tired.

And he shot a bunch of shit.

He was shooting for a while.

I wanted to see the gummy bear

versus the aperture of the water bottle.

Just to get a sense of what you're talking about.

You wanted to be shown.

Now, look, this is how hard this is going to be.

Well, actually, why don't we?

Holy.

Is this why the gun?

This is why the gummy bears are here.

I know.

I understand.

Is it not?

They are here.

Are all water bottles regulation?

Like, are they all the same?

Really good question.

The answer is no.

The openings to them are.

The answer is, I may have chosen the, which one is this?

A Fiji?

Okay.

Because it is.

I have to apply pressure to that to go in.

It has.

Unless I go.

You're right, of course.

Why, of course.

Are you guys familiar with that man?

Nope.

Shooting.

14 hours a day of screen time.

Never once.

What's happening there?

This is why I am excited to talk to you about him.

So his name is Chris Matthews.

A thrill goes up my leg when I watch his videos.

That is a borderline political joke that should not have been allowed, frankly, on this episode.

But Chris Matthews, former Washington State St.

Bonaventure sharpshooter, had many records at St.

Bonaventure.

That's right.

One of the proudest alums of that school.

And he is somebody who now works for Red Bull as a shooting coach and really influencer.

Because Red Bull's teaching people how to shoot?

That's right.

Sorry?

Explain that part.

How do I get to learn to shoot?

These are great questions.

I think all of them can be answered by this video.

Everybody always making excuses.

What is that?

How do you get

a crown?

So he has a crown of spikes.

Thorns.

Of thorns, yeah.

A kind of thorns.

It is a religious illusion.

That's my favorite part, by the way, where he says I understand it now.

Yeah, that's because it's fun.

It's interesting.

Because once he understands how to defeat the thing, he doesn't miss it.

He has

figured out how to lethally shoot.

It's crazy.

I understand it now.

He does.

Is he wrong?

So this goes on for a while.

I wish he actually would say, I misunderstood it there.

I misunderstood it.

I thought I understood it.

I, in fact, do not understand.

I love the crown of the world.

So does that answer your question?

No.

I don't think it does in any way.

Didn't even think I tried to.

This video.

I bet not.

Oh, my God.

I ain't playing with y'all.

Get your hands off me.

I told y'all.

He's so sweaty.

He's uh

shooting a basketball that's on fire.

Is his hand on fire?

Yeah,

he's oh my god, he's covered in Vaseline, which I understand.

It's a tough visual, though.

How why am I being blamed?

I didn't make you do this

for those just listening,

trained professionals.

Stay locked in, guys.

Don't ever do this.

Don't ever do this, but watch this.

Check this out.

It's NBA Jam.

He's on fire.

Yeah, he's on fire.

Absolutely.

So, Red Bull does this thing now where I think they just sponsor viral videos.

And now they sponsor things like jumping out of like sub-stratospheric things.

Yes, and of course, going up to half space.

And after comedy.

space.

Okay, here we go, Felix.

After edging space, they said,

let's give Lethal Shooter some money.

I'm actually for it.

It may seem from my tone, I'm against, but I'm pro.

I just wanted to better understand the business.

And now he teaches whom?

That's a good question.

Players have hired him.

Oh, cool.

Clientele that has included Dwight Howard,

Anthony Davis, Candace Parker, Skylar Diggins Smith, all people that are saying.

Why are you saying the girls fast?

Why is he saying girls fast?

He's glitzing through their women's names.

I call them women, by the way, my son.

You did.

My fault.

The females.

Yeah, better or worse.

Have you noticed people are so afraid of saying females now that they won't even say like female athlete?

They'll say woman athlete.

And you're like, well, that's wrong.

It's female.

You can say it as a descriptor.

Just don't call them females.

But that's too complicated.

What were you saying?

I was having a side thing.

She athletes?

Great.

Athschlites?

Great.

This could be good.

I love this.

This could catch on.

Understand that fully and never need to.

Are we going to start shooting?

Do we shoot?

Did you mean to quote Lethal Shooter when you said that?

I understand now.

Yeah.

I do.

And so this is where I do need to jump in here to just make sure that our audio audience out there, and God help you, by the way, if you're not watching today's episode on YouTube of the Draft News Network, understands what's about to happen here.

So imagine Katie and Michael and I all deciding to stand up, each of us armed with somewhere between three and

three zillion gummy bears,

and then focus on a water bottle sitting on a table that is more or less drowning already

in mess.

I guarantee I make it.

I guarantee 100%.

The water bottle is in the middle of the table.

Kind of.

Can I open the store?

We have our.

I mean, if you want to

punch.

I punched it.

It's lucky.

We're all up, Harry.

Boat, don't just step to the side like he does before I shoot.

Whoa!

That was actually very close.

That was

almost too close to the table.

Yeah, yeah.

Elbow.

Everybody, everybody.

Katie.

It's just very close.

Guys, I'm lethal.

Edging.

Edging.

How many do you need to take your first shot?

I dropped one of my crotch.

Ready?

Here we go.

Guaranteed make.

Kobe.

Three.

Once.

Kobe never did that.

I think mine

never did that.

I think I might have said the wrong name.

Oh, that was good.

That time I got worse.

I might have messed it up for you.

You guys are gonna have to clean all this up.

Is there a person who has to come in here and clean this up?

Yep.

Is it Pablo?

It's about the loft.

This is it.

That's the one.

This is the one.

Katie, this is the one.

Swish.

The angle was right.

Son of a.

This is

like leave till one goes in.

You can like triple speed through this or something.

Michael, did you bring us something beyond what we've done here today so far?

Well, I did.

I brought the Detroit Pistons came to play a basketball game at the Barclays Center.

As they do.

As they do on Sunday.

And because of the marathon, the New York City Marathon, well, now, not this past Sunday, but the Sunday before that, the New York City Marathon made it very difficult for them to drive to the Barclays.

The Barclays, the Clays, the Bar.

And so they had to take the subway.

And I just think that's beautiful.

I think it's beautiful.

They won the game.

That's not what they do.

That's not what they do.

They came and they won and they played great.

They had a lot of assists, an unusually high number of assists during the game, which makes me feel like, you know, the togetherness of the subway really affected them.

And I did read the comments, and it's a lot of people from all over the country being like, oh, that's not safe.

Shut up.

What?

Shut up.

It's so weird.

It is so weird.

Oh, we're being a, we're a safe haven from this stuff.

But it is so so weird to hear people explain, like, oh man, you're in New York City.

Is it scary?

I'm like, no.

Yeah, it's not.

It's not at all.

I want the Detroit.

I'm going to keep saying it like Detroit.

Is that okay?

No, but we're deep enough now.

I want the Detroit Pistons on the subway.

I want them there every day.

I want them there with the kid who's raising money for his basketball team.

I want them with the Showtime guys.

I think that should be a feature of New York.

You can always go on the train and see.

Oh, look, it's the Detroit Pistons.

And here they are.

We must be on the three.

Or as was the case some years before that.

Oh, look, it's LeBron James.

That's right.

On our way back from shootaround,

decided to take a different transportation this time.

What we had, Kyle?

On the train, we had two options.

45-minute bus ride.

45-minute bus ride.

Or a six-minute train ride.

So we decided to hop on the train with the squad.

Hey, Channel, what's up?

First of all, I was in the house.

What's squishy?

What's squishy?

I don't know this dude.

He's tripping.

I love it.

I absolutely love it.

It seems like that guy really did not know who LeBron James was.

He did not want to be.

Excuse me.

Do not film me.

That video of the Pistons, of LeBron James.

Detroit Pistons.

The Detroit Pistons.

It is one of the things about New York that I love, which is that people genuinely

don't give a shit.

Yeah.

At all.

It's one of the great parts about living in New York City.

That's to the point, at least for me, where even if you see someone, you sort of feel like as a New Yorker, it's your job to pretend that you don't give a shit.

So, why do you think that is in New York?

What do you think the ethos of New York is?

Because I have a theory that it is fundamentally about

how everybody in New York is too busy for everything else.

I think it's that.

I think it's like we got shit to do.

We can't be like, oh, you know, there's Sam Rockwell at the hot dog cart.

I don't have time for that.

You know what I mean?

With a healthy dash of

self-involvement.

Sure.

A little bit of like, I'm the big deal on this train.

Yeah, I think think it's

maybe a worse version of yours is

you're not better than me.

Yeah.

You're not.

You're on the subway.

You're on the subway just like me, bro.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, you make $10 million a year.

Well, guess what?

There's a guy on this train that both of us are in who's masturbating and we're the same.

To him, we're the same.

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What did you bring today?

Uncrustables story.

Do we have uncrustables here right now to do this?

Boys?

Oh, God, no.

I've always wanted to say boys and for.

Oh, look at the presentation.

Wow.

Yeah.

Passionate.

Wow.

Wow.

It's a gummy bear Zamboni.

I'm lightheaded, by the way, from whatever it is we've been doing here.

We now draw a plate of uncrustables.

I don't think I knew what these are.

It's like a sandwich situation.

Wow.

You have a child.

I thought this was a big kid thing.

We cook in our house.

Wow.

Okay, elitist.

Our kids eat freshly cooked goldfish crackers and cheeses.

Nice.

Can you explain the uncrustable?

Because I don't know if everybody, Michael Cruz Kane,

knows what this is.

It's a peanut butter and jelly sandwich that has the crust taken off almost as if you had a circular cookie cutter and you put that around and just basically took out the circular center of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and sealed the edges almost like a dumpling.

And then they freeze them and then you take them out of the freezer, you let them defrost, and then you bite into them and it's a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

The New York Times slash athletic did a story about how many uncrustables the NFL is eating.

They got reports from 24 of 32 teams.

So eight teams, right?

That's the math on that.

Eight teams did not share their uncrustable data.

That's right.

One of which being the Patriots.

So

I have no idea how many uncrustables

the Patriots are eating.

It says, based on the information collected, it's safe to say that NFL teams go through anywhere from 3,600 to 4,300 uncrustables a week.

Holy.

When you factor in training camps and the teams that did not share their data, the NFL as a whole easily goes through at least 80,000 uncrustables a year.

Denver has the highest reported consumption here.

Weekly uncrustable consumption across the NFL, 700.

It is staggering.

I mean, they're ahead by a lot because the next closest is 320.

The Denver Broncos are eating 700 uncrustables a week.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Why is this one in here?

Great question.

I believe that one was heated up.

Okay, so Nadir, also behind the glass.

He loves uncrustables.

Okay.

Like sincerely.

And he toasted this.

Yeah, that people say, do you toast it straight out of the freezer or do you defrost and then toast?

Straight out.

He's saying straight out.

Straight out.

Straight out of that freezer.

So I am.

Here's what I'm going to take a bed out of this, right?

I'm going to

crime as well, if you could.

Wow.

You're making it seem awful.

I'll tell you what.

It's delectable.

Yeah.

They really nailed it.

I mean, the toasting.

My turn.

Yeah.

Oh, it's an ASMR situation.

Damn.

The toasting really elevates it.

My compliments to the chef.

I mean, I love these.

It smells like light.

I love these.

Here's my thing.

Can I?

For the average person, the only time this makes sense to me as an invention is with like an NFL team.

It's a bunch of people who need thousands of something made.

You don't want to have to make a bunch of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

But for the average Joe, no, I don't want them because why?

Take it.

I'm the kind of person that will even like

it.

I don't like buying pre-made sandwiches that have been sitting somewhere made as a sandwich in a, with condensation on the, because I'm like, bread should not be hanging out with the, with the stuff.

My mom used to make me peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that by the time I got to them at lunch, the jelly was soaked through the bread.

And I was like, this, I don't want to eat this.

It tastes like a plastic bag.

Well, hold on, I'll just stop you there.

The innovation of the uncrustable.

Oh my God, it's disgusting to listen to you talk with that.

Is that the jelly with that note?

The jelly is inside of two layers of peanut butter and uncrustable.

And

my mom also figured that out eventually.

What I don't understand is why you need it.

This is something that was not cost prohibitive, making a peanut butter and jelly.

Whenever I was at my hardest times, that would be most of my, I'd just get a thing of bread, get the peanut butter, get the jelly.

And then you had the stuff you needed to do.

You would watch Bjork disassemble a television.

Right.

While building my own

peanut butter and jelly.

But why would you need it to have this?

Because you're a smart gal on the go.

You got stuff to do.

You don't got time to.

Make a sandwich?

That's right.

Exactly.

Exactly right.

What does a

she-athlete need more

than to get out of the kitchen?

Wow.

I mean, now.

And uncrusta her.

No, I don't know if I got that one.

Stay with it.

Unson.

Okay, so now it's daughter crustable.

Yep, that's it.

I made it a son crustable.

You follow.

Instead of an unknown crustable, there we go.

Aunt crustable.

There you go.

I hate crust.

Yeah, that's fine.

Cut the crust off.

But I feel like,

wish granted.

Why don't they sell crustless bread?

Because I think unless you freeze it, I think the crust serves a purpose.

It's like, why don't they make skinless people?

Yeah.

Wow.

I just fucking got my mind blown on that one.

Holy shit.

Because all this time I've been like, I wish I didn't have skin, but now I get it.

I think we could be skinless if we had layers of peanut butter containing our jelly.

Also, let me say this.

I like a crust.

I'm a crust fan.

Me too, because I'm an adult.

It's harder to put a crust back on.

You know what I mean?

Anyone, you can cut the crust off.

Right.

But if you were served like an uncrustable, if I wanted to put a crust on this, I'm fed.

Yeah.

Well, you could actually, I would argue you toasted it, which put a crust back on.

Holy shit.

And that's why you liked the toastable.

It's all been solved.

Yeah.

Everything's been solved.

A crustable.

Crustable.

Yeah, also uncrustable.

I don't fully, the logic of the name, if I think too much about it, doesn't really work for me.

So funny you mentioned that.

In this piece, they explain that the name was derived from like this 11-year-old kid who they like asked, what should we name this?

Idiot.

Yeah.

Did get a penny for it, I'm sure.

Kid was definitely not taking SAT prep.

Hold on, just fact-checking.

And the initial iteration, the incredible Uncrustable,

got shortened to Uncrustable after the brand brand was acquired in 1999.

Got it.

So I remember it.

Acquired by smuckers.

Those

fckers.

That's every every time I hear smuckers, I'm like, that sounds

bad.

It was their worst slogan.

They tried it for a little while.

Smuckers, we're fers.

I keep rubbing my knee with you.

It's such an uncomfortable place to touch another person.

Maybe it's because I'm man's spreading.

Yes.

Thank God for the skin.

Thank God for the skin.

And pants.

So true.

And pants.

Yeah.

Gauze pants.

We brought all the things back.

Everything's been so called back that we've.

It's a Ouroboros.

Is that something?

What is that?

What I would like its own tail.

There you go.

I wish I could capture the

look of disdain that I see when I look through there as they're like, oh, so they're doing the shooting of the gummy bears again.

It all comes back.

What did you guys find out today on a show about finding stuff out?

That Red Bull hires people, pays money to people who will teach other people, Dwight Howard, to female athletes that you said very quickly.

Candice Parker, Skylar, Diggins Smith.

Oh my God, ally.

I pay attention to women.

Yep.

Teaches them how to shoot.

I didn't know.

So I don't know if Red Bull specifically

misinformation was spread.

He certainly is employed by Red Bull.

I don't know if they want to claim his training of them.

He's just hiding.

He's not informed for legal reasons.

So he's just on the payroll.

So I found out nothing.

He's on the payroll for Red Bull.

Yes.

I'm like a retainer.

What's funny is we've been recording this episode.

I think, am I right when I say 17 hours?

Yeah.

And it's going to be cut down to nine minutes.

And the nine minutes is just going to be us tossing gummy bears futilely at that.

Sped up.

Set to a Bjork soundtrack.

Yes.

Ooh, I would like that.

Or to the St.

Crispin's Day speech.

What did you find out today?

Thank you.

Finally, I found out that the world's largest kaleidoscope is fine.

Yeah.

It's fine.

And that's good enough for me.

I'll go in there and see the things kind of like, ooh, look, that hexagon kind of spun around into a different hexagon.

There were a couple moments we went, ooh.

And for how much was it?

Five bucks.

Five bucks?

Come on.

Yeah.

At five bucks, that's pretty good.

Also, it claims to be the largest, not the greatest.

So that's right.

It does, it was the biggest kaleidoscope I've ever seen.

They don't say world's best kaleidoscope.

That's right.

I found out.

Yeah, what about you, Pablo?

What did you find out?

I found out that

I still like that kid who likes turtles.

That's correct.

I forgot one more thing.

What's that?

Thank God.

What I found out today.

Oh, God.

It's going to go.

It's worth it.

It is worth it for this.

I understand it now.

Oh!

I really believed you.

Producers are saying in my ear that it's not possible to record anymore, that there's no technology

that allows them to record more than they've already recorded.

This has been Pablo Torre finds out a Metalark media production.

And I'll talk to you next time.