Terminally Online (Subscription Show Best-Of!)

Hey everyone. Hey John.
We are off today. We're all enjoying our Memorial Day, but we wanted to share this best of episode from our new subscription exclusive show terminally online.
I bet I'm featured a lot in this. There's cool.
There's a revolving cast in the show that includes us, the three of us with some of your favorite crooked producers and staff. And we basically gather to commiserate about being way too online.
Yes, we do. Which we are as we make shows here at Crooked Media, except for me.
I'm pretty offline. It is super chill now.

Yeah. and we basically gather to commiserate about being way too online.
Yes, we do. Which we are as we make shows here at Crooked Media.
Except for me, I'm pretty offline. I'm super chill now.
Yeah, I just don't know if you guys know that. Have you seen what Cat Turd said lately? It's out of control.
Human Xanax, we call him here. I did bring Cat Turd up during Pod Save America.
That's nice. Way to go.
We did. Anyway, we hope you enjoy it.
It's so fun. I love this show.
It's so fun recording Terminally Online. So if you want access to weekly episodes of Terminally Online and so much more, head to crooket.com slash friends and subscribe today.
A lot of benefits to being a subscriber. You get to be part of the community.
You get to be in the Discord channel. Be a sub.
You can be a sub, right? You can be a friend with benefits. You can be a friend with benefits.
You can help Vote Save America.

There's one tier where love comes to your house.

Even if you don't want them to.

You can pay for that to happen or not happen.

Right.

It's like bidding on a dinner with McCarthy.

$100,000, you get dinner.

$200,000, you get to eat alone.

Anyway, you're going to hear a bunch of different voices in the excerpts.

This is a best of show of Terminally Online that we put together for you today. And here it is now, Terminally Online.
Enjoy it. All right, I'm jumping in.
We're starting. No small talk.
Welcome to Terminally Online, the crooked subscription show. I'm Elijah Cohn.
I'm Jon Favreau. I'm Jon.
I'm just imagining Elijah saying that on a first date.

Jump in right now.

No small talk.

I'm Elijah.

I'm Hallie Cooper.

I'm Tommy Vitor.

This is a chance for us to commiserate about being way too online

as we work here at Crooked Media and cover the news.

So we're going to start with a little bit of an audience Q&A,

one or two questions.

Oh, all right.

No one told us this.

Yeah, guys, I was like,

I don't care about the writer's trick.

You're tearing up this script.

We're doing it my way.

Hey, pencils down, people.

And then we're going to end

with a little segment I'm calling

Advice Column.

So we're trying things out here.

Ooh.

Ooh.

What a clever name.

Thank you, Ali.

Also, to put it in air quotes,

was it even more insane? Yeah, twice. One thing we like to do on the show is bully Elijah because he's on Zoom.
That's exactly what happens. Yeah, it's easy.
I'm muted all the time. Jon Favreau, what is the moment you realized that you were too online this week? The moment I knew that I was terminally online this week is when I found myself knowing every detail of the

fight between Elon Musk

and Matt Taibbi.

Oh, okay.

So, for all of you

who have not followed this.

I was riding shotgun with you, pal.

Matt Taibbi, former lefty journalist

who's gone all the way around the political horseshoe.

Now he's a righty media guy.

Elon Musk hands him a bunch of

internal Twitter info, Twitter emails

which is supposed to show that the

Thank you. who's gone all the way around the political horseshoe.
Now he's a righty media guy. Elon Musk hands him a bunch of internal Twitter info, Twitter emails, which is supposed to show that the previous Twitter leadership was in cahoots with the deep state to censor conservatives and defeat Donald Trump.
The Twitter files. The Twitter files, they're called.
Branded now. They did not show that.
They did not show that. Taibbi also has a Substack newsletter.
This becomes an issue when recently Elon goes to war with Substack over their new notes feature, which is like Twitter, but with fewer Nazis. Elon then restricts tweets from Substack links because he believes so hard in free speech.
Ben Matt Taibbi announces he's leaving Twitter for notes. Elon then says Taibbi was a former employee of Substack, which is not true.
And that Substack was trying to steal data from Twitter, which is also not true. And we know that because then Twitter stopped shadow banning Substack links.
But even though you thought this was all over, after they stopped banning Substack links, Elon then replied. Like a hand through a graveyard.
Elon, he just kept on posting. He just keeps on posting.
And he replied to a tweet from one of his other Twitter files fanboys, Michael Schellenberger, with screenshots of his private signal conversation with Taibbi that he thought would prove that Taibbi was in fact a Substack employee. So we're looking at screenshots.
It's like a Jenga board. For everyone, if you're just tuning in, John has now brought to us screenshots between Matt Taibbi and Elon Musk in Signal.
Here's what's amazing is that Elon thought that these private Signal messages would prove that Matt Taibbi was an employee of Substack. As he says in the DMs, I was never a Substack employee.
I was merely one of the first contributors. So the great aha moment from Elon Musk, which he proved that he was right this whole time, just was nothing.
And then Elon had to delete these because he then felt bad. This is a genuine question.
Do you think Elon Musk could read? Like seeing that, I'm like, I genuinely don't know at this point. It's like ready, fire, aim on every issue all the time.
The interesting thing about it is he really is just a Twitter power user with too much authority now. Yeah.
Because he really is just he posts through it. He says whatever's on his mind.
He makes mistakes. He gets shit wrong.
He's just he's the ultimate Twitter avatar. He just tweeted just a couple of minutes ago that defund NPR.
He gave an interview with BBC last night where he someone said, well, you promised you'd step down as CEO if you lost the poll and you did lose that poll so why haven't you stepped down he said my dog is now CEO of Twitter and that's he just kept saying this is the worst sense of humor it's the worst sense of humor they took W out of Twitter so it says titter yeah and they reply to every press request with an automatic poop emoji yeah that's all this is like a piecing together a suicide note over time. You know what I mean? Like, if I started to do all this stuff, I'd be like, yeah, things are really falling apart for her.
Yeah. Anyway, that's what I got.
Too online. Way too online.
Listen, if you want to go deeper, watch the Maddie Hassan interview with Matt Taibbi where Matt Taibbi does not look good. No, he doesn't.
I think it's a five, John. I think that's terminal.

No, I think you know too much.

Last time, I think I came with a pretty weak entry last time.

So I wanted to make sure I was sufficiently terminal this time.

You're terminal.

I'm going to give it a four, though, because I feel like we could do better.

Room to grow.

Not me personally, but what are you guys?

Okay, cool.

Well, I mean, death is, you know, you don't get more dead.

He's there. Let's find out.
let's keep this segment rolling and find out one note on this is that elon musk says he's going to get rid of blue check marks for people who don't pay for twitter blue on 420 which is so cool so funny uh what are we going to do with the pod save america handle are we going to pay for twitter blue oh we are no uh we are not gonna pay yeahon musk one fucking red penny absolutely not absolutely that'll be a lot that you'll know when we paid elon because that i won't work here anymore that'll be my last fucking day just dying breath people the tesla owner over here i'm trying to get rid of it i can't offload it think are you guys it's like oh it's like it's like drow it's like driving around with it where's the ad for it your? Your tune has changed. What do you mean my tune has changed?

I've been trying to get rid of this thing for fucking months.

Who wants it?

It's a rattly fucking.

How have you been trying?

You said you loved it.

Talk to us about the process.

I'm trying to find another car that I like. Have you been on Craigslist?

I need to find it.

Facebook Marks.

Is it in the wanted ads in the back of the newspaper?

The thing is, the thing is, there's a car I want, but it's not out yet.

Is it the Cybertruck?

And it is.

Love it. It's a Cybertruck out yet.
Is it the Cybertruck? Love it.

It's a Cybertruck.

Guys, it's the Cybertruck.

Well, it was nice to know you

because you'll be dead within days when you have that thing.

They tweeted a photo of the Cybertruck,

like the newest one, and even in that photo,

you could see the panels are peeling off.

And I'm like, what?

People are going to die.

He didn't own Twitter when I got the fucking Tesla. He was a little annoying, but I didn't know it was going to be like this.
I just remember a, a fairly recent episode of Pod Save America where you were like, come at me, bros. I love my Tesla.
It's amazing. I know, but then he really went too far.
Okay. Much like Starbucks and the olive oil.
We all have to learn, you know. Love it.
When were you terminally online this week? So now I've been mocked for this in the past, and I'm sure I will again. I am part of basically, I think what amounts for QAnon, but if the Q stood for queer, and that is people who look for signals on the internet that Taylor Swift is trying to communicate that she's in some way not straight.
Now, Al Jazeera and Al Jazeera. Yeah, like they're like, like, like she's blinking out the fucking S.O.S.
Like S.O.S. like beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
I'm by, you know, you're a gayler. I'm a gayler.
You looking for those Easter eggs? I'm looking for this Easter eggs everywhere. Now, her tour, the ERA tour, ERA's tour, has begun, and there are signs.
But I don't want to really... We can show a clip that gives you a taste of what's happening out there.
Okay, so just to recap, Taylor Swift opened the ERA's tour like this. Bang, invisible string in front of smoke that looks very suspiciously familiar had this background up during what she got to the line that says you showed me colors you know i can't see with anyone else when it faded to black and white had all of this shit so basically there's a claim that like in the color she's wearing on stage she is doing various versions of the pride flag right in that case the lesbian flag now there is a moment later where there does seem to be there's a suggestion that her outfits are meant to mirror Carly Klaus outfits including the moment Carly Klaus outfits not Klaus like Santa Claus Carly Klaus outfits Jack Nicklaus Santa Claus's daughter Nepo baby Santa Claus Claus's daughter Carly Claus who got everything handed to her from the fucking wealth of the North Pole and nobody talks about it but there's a moment in the on stage where she says none of it was accidental where she is dressed like and on a stage like a moment Carly Claus had please this woman is a walking pride flag but I don't want to talk.
This is not actually what makes me too online. Because a lot of people know and talk about this.
That's not what I'm talking about today. Here's what I'm talking about today.
Let's go deeper. Let's go deeper.
There's also a question about how Taylor Swift gets to the stage before the show even begins. And there are basically people.
This is the suitcase rumor? No, no, no. This is people trying to get evidence.
Can we show the clip of the janitorial cart moving through the arena? You're building a case, which I really appreciate. This is going to Paltrow's trial all over again.
This is you as your lawyer. So there's lots of footage like this of a janitorial cart moving around the arena.
The only problem is it is rare to see a cart that big moved by two security guards with headsets on, followed by several other security guards. But then finally, at long last, after many clips like this, we have the proof that this is a fake cart because there it is.
This is like the Zabruder film. I was going to say, the cart is parked, the door opens, and out comes Taylor Swift from inside the janitorial cart.
Wow. Wow.
It was a fake cart after all. And I do believe she's bisexual.
These things are unrelated. I thought the cart was somehow related.
Okay. They're very unrelated.

They're related.

Yeah, thank you.

I would just like the three straight men not to tell me it's unrelated.

Hallie and I understand as queer people

that the cart and the bisexuality

are tied inextricably together.

She's coming out of the cart?

Yeah.

Exactly.

Smart.

First of all, the footage does look like it's being shot

from the top of Bell Tower,

which I find very...

I'm like, who is filming this?

Second coming on a grassy roll. Is that what you're saying.
Well, or obviously a book depository. Yeah, absolutely.
It's from an uncomfortable angle in my mind. Thank you for getting that.
Sadly, I unfortunately I do think she's bisexual as well. But that's almost that's much more of a bummer than if she was just straight.
Because it's like, oh, you can only convey your bisexuality through smoke and little, like your little outfits. That's such a, as a queer person, such a bummer.
But I 100% both believe the conspiracy. We're part of QAnon.
Queer Anon, yes. And I'm glad to see confirmation that she was in the cart.
Thank you for sharing this. She was in the cart, too.
I do not believe this. Okay.
That's fine. You don't have to.
It's not for you. You're a Hitler, I believe.
No, I just think that. They're called Hedlers.
We're Gaylers and you're Hedlers.'re gaylers and you're Hitler's Hitler no you said Hitler it's Hitler Heil Hitler heterosexual okay okay okay okay Harlan want to see my backyard the way that she is I just think that her hints about her bisexuality would be a little more obvious. You hope, but...
When she wants to communicate something, she really lets you know. We can't give her a little time.
We're giving her time. She's got all the time in the world.
No one's going to... I support whatever choice and path that she's on, whether it's real or not.
Oh, of course. It's just unfortunate.
She is bi. She has to hide the half of herself.
You hate to see it, In a cart of secrets. Right.
In a janitorial cart of shame. People thought that she went into her apartment in New York once in a suitcase, I believe.
Yes, I remember this as well. That's a thing? Yeah.
And if Simone would know. Yeah, that was a rumor.
Well, now that I've seen the janitor cart, now I believe that more. She loves to be moved around in luggage.
She likes to be moved around in surprising containers. How online is love it? All right, well, give me a number.
Honestly, I think that's pretty impressively online. Yeah, that's a four.
That's a four. I'm going to give it a three only because there is such a, no offense to you, a baseline of conspiracy information available online.
There are dossiers about Taylor Swift being queer. So you were building on it.
But it's like, again, being a lawyer, which you are for this case, there's precedent. There are books for you to refer to.
You're building on decades at this point. I stay on the shoulders of giants.
Exactly. 100%.
So I'm going to say three, not quite as online as it might seem. It's all on Hunter's laptop.
Damn it. All right.
We'll say three and a half to be continued. Tommy, when did you realize that you were terminally online this week? So I want to talk to you all about the most useless feature in all of social media, which is the Twitter what's happening section on the right side of the homepage.
If you log on to Twitter on the web, there's a little section on the right hand side of the screen. I would say a solid 75% of the time you see a name trending for some reason, maybe trending just for you.
You click on it and it's a little section on the right hand side of the screen i would say a solid 75 of the time uh you see a name trending for some reason maybe trending just for you you click on it and it's a series of unfunny redundant jokes and memes about how everyone thought that person was dead uh and then generally no actual actionable or useful information to help you figure out why that person is trending you're just hoping it's not your name yeah you just know you don't want to be you make sure you're not trending and then get your coffee. So I was looking for a topic for today and for example, today I saw that Epstein was trending.
All right. So I'm like, all right, I'll bite.
I'll play ball. I know he's still alive.
I click on it. It's a couple tweets about Jeffrey Epstein, your pal.
That's true. Been on the island.
Been on the island. Okay.
A couple more about Brian Epstein, the guy who discovered the Beatles, a clinical trial for a vaccine to treat the Epstein-Barr virus, and then a tweet by someone with the last name Epstein. Who was this for? Who was this helping? Yeah.
Bringing those things together. Well, it seems like it's probably because it's now broken.
Yeah. That A, the platform doesn't have enough tweets to probably fulfill what's happening.
Yeah. And B, there probably used to be a whole team that was like, hey, this is too many topics mixed together, but he fucking shitcanned those people six months ago.
This has been a useless feature for a long time. There's a Pepe frog.
There were some cringy tweets about TFG getting arrested. There was this video that we'll show you right now.
Basset hounds walking over a log. See, now that's worth it, my friend.
I like that. Now I'm back on board.
Right? This is great. And then there was some extremely graphic pornography that we will not throw to.
Did Ted Cruz post it? Who is this for? And what's wrong with me that I continue to click? Epstein. I'm clicking on the Epstein for sure.
It is designed, much like Twitter is breaking, it's like it is designed to break you. Like the logic is broken so it's designed to mentally break our ability to seek logic.
Yeah. Isn't that good? Look, we were all spiders crawling on the internet and then Elon came along and ripped off each of one of our legs.
Yeah. And now we're kind of running around a little kind of circles.
Can't make sense. I'm looking Michael Cohen for $500 is trending.
That's interesting to me. Because Trump is suing Michael Cohen for $500 million for breach of contract.
I got to tell you, just like 30,000 foot view, Trump's got a great case. Michael Cohen has been a terrible lawyer for Donald Trump.
Definitely right. He's right about that.
Not a good lawyer. Totally violated privilege.
Would not hire him to be my lawyer. Terrible lawyer.
Absolutely not. I hope Donald Trump wins that one.
Ohio is trending. Oh, good.
All the information I could ever want about fucking Ohio. Good for NPR.
Hashtag stock market. That'll narrow it down.
Tesla's trending. I wonder if this is about Lovett's car that he's trying to sell.
And hey, listen, if you're one of our many wonderful friends of the pod and part of the community, you're in the market for a barely used Tesla that does rattle on the highway like you're being shaken by God. And then inexplicably, every time you make a left turn, it sounds like a fucking bowling ball is rolling somewhere to the right.
We will be introducing a special tier where you can pay for it and you will get the Tesla contest. Join that tier.
It's a very special tier that does come with a Tesla price to move people price to move. It is cool that NPR was just like, it's not a good platform.
Yeah. I respect that entirely.
I do respect that. Well, it's actually the thing we've also noticed this over the years that like people don't click through and we, when we post pods, it doesn't lead to listens.
It doesn't do anything. Not at all.
It's the worst engagement.

Like, you can look at a tweet.

I said a tweet that has like 2 million views, and you'll get like 10,000 link clicks.

It's terrible.

And, but because it sucked up all the oxygen for every other kind of social, it's like,

maybe like that was preventing something that would have had better kind of click-throughs

that doesn't exist because Twitter was the kind of central hub.

Let's all move to notes.

We ready to move to notes? I'll go wherever people tell me to go. I'm definitely not tooting.
You're not on post.news? No. I'm not on post.
Are you on post? I logged in once. Oh, well, okay.
How is it? That's why I sort of, I was on notes and a lot of people being like, hey, I'm here on notes. Here's the thing.
I think, actually, the crooked Discord is a lovely alternative to Twitter. I like the crooked.
Talk to me, Talk to me. We got a good squad.
I'm enjoying some folks on there. Enjoying talking to some folks on there.
There's also the marketplace where you can buy cars, sell cars. Whatever you want.
I'm a big Facebook marketplace gal. I'll be honest.
That's where it's all happening. Crooked used.
Should we ring Tommy? Yeah, let's do it. I think he is.
This is indicative that he's not very online at all. Didn't really come prepared.
Just went to the trending page. It's okay.
I'm not really prepared either. I came even less prepared.
So that's the reaction to Tommy. I will give you a two though.
I'll give you a two. Yeah, it's a two.
I'll give you a two. It's a two.
Listen, you guys go down that rabbit hole. It's also this sort of like, you know what? Honestly, this is what you deserve.
You're like, I come to get funny little jokes about the workplace.

It's Friday o'clock somewhere. Said you had like ass cheeks clapped on your face like an oldie fan star.
That kind of thing. Hallie, when did you realize that you were terminally online this week? Well, so I also came unprepared.
I was offered a dispensation by Elijah as the god of this segment to talk about producing a segment that relates to something that's very online. But again, Elijah told me I couldn't talk about it because he talked about it last week.
But basically, I'd love it or leave it last week. We were in solidarity with Dylan Mulvaney, the trans woman who is now literally like being torn apart by the right constantly for doing a Bud Light ad.
And she's also done other ads like a Nike ad and sort of has become this avatar of right vitriol. In support of her, we did buy some Bud Lights that we were going to chug on stage.
And again, there was a video where Kid Rock shot up a bunch of cases of Bud Light. You don't like to see somebody so threatened by the presence of a trans woman.
They shoot something. It just the whole thing was bad.
So I thought, we'll get some Bud Lights. We'll drink them on stage in solidarity.
And it all made sense. So I might.
I haven't had a Bud Light since I was in college. And I bring them out.
And we weren't going to shock them because they have a rug at the L.A.'s beautiful Dynasty typewriter. Please come see it.
We're there every Thursday. But I bring it out.
And I don know. I'd love to know your reaction because we crack them up and I'm like, all right, this is a funny bit.
It will take us 30 seconds. The second that dirty fucking dishwater hit my mouth, I, first of all, disgust, swill.
Okay. No offense, Bud Light.
Don't know if you're going to be a sponsor. It is a fence.
It's a fence. It's a deep offense.
No, if you're 18, you don't have taste buds or whatever. That's fine.
And then two, it was like a surge of every college memory of drinking that shit. And then just drinking like nine of them and throwing up in front of your friend or whatever.
Then we both mutually put it down and said, I'm sorry, this was a bad bit. We just killed.
We just got out. And Lovett chugged a whole thing of milk on stage in Wisconsin.
It's the carbonation and the cold that really killed it for me. Should have shotgunned it.
Should have shotgunned it. Yeah, why didn't you? Yeah, that was it.
Because the rug, we didn't want to smell on the rug. It would have at least been funnier, but also I literally couldn't even swallow the first sip because it was so rank.
You could have drank it. I don't mind Bud Light.
I prefer Miller Light. I prefer Miller Light.
I'm getting excited to drink Bud Light just talking about this right now. I would have a Bud Light right now with this segment.
I think you're both ridiculous. I didn't dislike it.
It was just too cold to chug. Too cold.
See, and now I know for next time. And carbonated.
To me, it had to be ice cold because it tastes like, again, rat piss. So I just didn't want it to be warm.
That was why I took me so long. You guys are not on my team for the case race.
That's for sure. It took me too long to drink the chocolate milk in Wisconsin because it was so cold.
I had an ice cream headache. Headaches.
And this is good production knowledge for me is that if you want to drink a liquid a lot of it it has to be warm and I should know that about you you can't do warm milk though Jesus Christ this is horrific it's as bad as the coffee so the only reason I think it is online is because I saw something online and I was so moved that I brought it to real life which one would argue is actually the most online thing to do is that I I brought it from online back into reality. And I think for as a queer person, these are just going to keep happening, especially as it relates to trans people, like these just corporate pride gestures are going to keep running, be running up against like the rights need to create like a constant, like, you know what I mean? The constant churn of hysteria and argument or whatever.
And I think as a queer person, it's like, I'm obviously going to support

any queer trans person, but it does.

I brought a physical manifestation

of the feeling of this, which is,

this is a nutcracker I bought at Target

over the holidays, which is a pride nutcracker.

It has pink hair and makeup and a pride flag.

And this is, I think, where we're at,

where it's like, corporations are like,

I think this is what a queer person is maybe,

so we'll make a nutcracker for them.

Can I see it for one second?

Which I don't hate.

And it was and it was surely made by fucking tortured uyghurs it's unbelievable there it is right there it is this is this is what corporate pride is now a christmas symbol made gay manufactured by people in impoverished conditions exactly and so we have this and and eventually hopefully we'll have real But in the meantime, it's like I will drink the Bud Light not because I want to support Bud Light but I will support the gesture of pride. You can just buy it and dump it out.
We did. It sounds to me like you were very online.
You tried to go touch grass. Yeah.
And then didn't like it. So then you went back online.
I touched it the wrong way. I touched it.
My hands are all bad. You're inspired by Kid Rock.
And you're like, I stand with kids. So you got your Harry Potter book.
And you're trashed on Bud Light. And here we are.
I'm going to shoot something you like. I'm going to shoot that Snapple.
I don't know. The fact you're drinking Snapple out of a glass with no ice is to me insane.
Listen, I wasn't trying to give him a branded image. Okay, that's fair.
Okay. So I don't know.
What would that rank? I think a four. Three and a half.
I'm giving you a two. Okay.
I think two. I think Kid Rock sucks and you were right to try to tell him to fuck off.
Thank you. Thank you, Tobi.
Love his music. Cool.
We'll just put you right in. Love his music.
Love his music. I mean, look, he's obviously an incredible musician.
He's an artist. He's an incredible artist.
You separate that art from the artist. We have to.
When it comes to Kid Rock. Much like how Hitler was a great musician.
Like Caravaggio. Much like Hitler.
Did you see the video? Speaking of Hitler, did you see the video of Kid Rock DJing at Mar-a-Lago? And he couldn't get it to work. And Donald Trump Jr.
was like, oh my God. He's going live.
How crazy is this? It's a funeral home with Kid Rock DJing. That's very online right there.
Tommy just saved himself. You should have come here.
Why don't you come with that? Yeah, that's a four or five right there. You see this? No.
Tommy always upgrades himself like halfway through the episode. He brings a pretty tame topic and then he jumps on someone else's.
I did. I also want to say, because the people seeing this are paying for it, you need to know how filthy Tommy's keyboard.

And I am a disgusting person.

It looks like there's like Nutella on your keyboard right now. The issue is there's something sticky got on and then it got a layer of fuzz.
Okay. All right.
You know what happens. Oh, yeah.
My coffee has a little olive oil in it. I'm disgusting.
No, it's still pretty gross, though. My terminally online, I was going to do HBO Max turning into just simply Max, which is strange.
But then I kind of realized it was just a take about succession. So I'll get to the succession thing.
I'll just point out, if you have HBO Max and you enjoy watching succession, you have to download a whole new app. HBO Max is changing to an app called max and it's not going to update you're not just going to get a new logo on your roku or whatever the fuck you have to go download a whole new app called max or on sunday you're not going to be able to watch the season finale of six yeah that's why they did it they did it so that they would make sure people would download it oh that's smart oh okay i think it's also going to be a nightmare on Sunday.
There's going to be a ton of people complaining about it. Like what the fuck is this? So that'll be content.
Can't wait. My term only online is look, I know I'm going to get killed for this, but succession.
I like it a lot. But once again, like with the episode i watch the episodes i enjoy the show fine and then i go online and it's like i just saw michelangelo carve david the statue perfectly in an hour of immaculate television and i then say you know what i did like that a lot more than i thought i did and i just am i'm standing up and i know there are others of you out there who feel the same way i do who get a little bored during the episodes then go online and say i guess i did like that more than i did and before the finale which i am looking forward to very much you're seen there are other people out there and who feel the same way and it's me.
It feels like you're trying to say you don't like Succession, and it's like you're holding back every time you're in it. Just say it.
Just fucking say it already. You're a coward pretending to be brave.
You're like Ron DeSantis. Succession is a 7 out of 10 this season, and everyone's giving it a 10 out of 10.
So I like it. It's fine.
So I'm actually sympathetic to the situation that they're in with regards to the absurd branding journey of HBO to HBO Now slash HBO Go to HBO Max to Max. Because there's a lot of people online who are saying, you have HBO.
That's the most amazing brand. Why are you doing this? Why would you make it Max? It should never have been called HBO Max.
It should always have been called something broader like Warner or Max or something so that you could have the HBO brand and then you could have the Discovery brand and you could have all the other ancillary brands in a row, but that HBO remains special and good for the excellence that it provides. One of the arguments that they made for why they needed to make it be a broader brand is that there's a lot of people who have Discovery, a lot of people that aren't HBO people that want the broader, kind of less prestigy, slow-boil fucking content of HBO that we all love and that for you is ponderous because you're waiting for an explosion because you're a fast- fucking moron.
And I want you to understand something. They have to call it Max for people like you, stupid people.
Yep. There it is.
You have been given a gift that is succession. Yep.
That's one location in 45 minutes. I am sorry that your fucking Twitter, TikTok, Instagram, two phone experience, broken fucking brain can't handle watching what is ostensibly, you know, a play taking place in a fucking cathedral.
Are you one of those people that starts, you know, texting people during during Broadway musicals? Do you get bored and walk out while you make love to your wife, Elijah? What do you mean to keep your goddamn attention, okay? You were giving that. Kids these days.
This is some of the best writing in the history of television and the audacity of you to come out of that experience and go, seven out of 10, do better. There's never been better.
There won't be better. The golden age of television is about to end.
The writers are on fucking Melrose running around trying to get paid. And you're like, oh, this isn't good enough.
You can eat fucking shit. I'm not saying it's not good enough.
The problem is that I go on and everyone is like, this is the best thing ever. And I just don't feel it.
It doesn't move that way. And I'm going to give you two things.
One, I don't need a good reason for how I feel when I watch it. I'm going to just not enjoy it and not be criticized by it.
Number one. Number two, I have trouble relating to these characters because I find them so detestable.
I find them all so awful. And like the hubris of like, I'm supposed to be sympathizing with them.
I'm just like, oh, good, suffer. Like, what? I'm crying.
I don't care. You know what you sound like right now? You sound like the worst executive at every network who looks at a fucking pilot and says, I don't find any of these characters relatable.
You're the person that tried to stop Seinfeld from ever fucking airing.

That's what you're doing right now.

And I'm not saying you need a reason to not like it,

but don't walk around like you're fucking impressive.

Like this opinion makes you brave or good.

It's embarrassing that you don't like this show.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

You're right to feel the way that you do.

You're right to pretend you like it

more than you do on social media.

That's the right thing for you to be doing.

You've been given a gift

and you've thrown it back in HBO's faces.

We are blessed to have succession

Thank you. the way that you do.
You're right to pretend you like it more than you do on social media. That's the right thing for you to be doing.
You've been given a gift and you've thrown it back in HBO's faces. We are blessed to have Succession and it's about to be over and when it's gone, you'll miss it.
Tina Turner died. You want to see something mean about her? You think Tina Turner is Tina Turner's 7 out of 10, you piece of shit? Jimmy Carter is in hospice.
Not good enough? Not enough houses? So now love is pulling from other means. All right.

Also, like,

Barry was pretty good, too.

I liked that this week.

I don't watch Succession

and I was convinced

by that argument.

So go ahead and tune in

for the Succession recap

next week

for all the subscribers

where Jon Jon and Tommy and Dan

will break it down

uncritically together.

Look, I'm very much

looking forward to the finale.

I've been working on

a candle impression.

I'm Malcolm.

Elijah, shut the fuck up. Malcolm., what's the fucking play? Yeah Let's fucking do this, yeah Yep, every week, the best writing I've seen And it's just Kendall mumbling You don't even watch it Why don't you turn it off Why don't you turn it off and go on a fucking hike Why don't you watch something else Cause it's Sunday night, who hikes on Sunday night And also here's Roman Yeah so I mean Yeah well fucking you know fuck you Yeah Yay Very good Do you guys understand Elijah I want you to understand something Of we understand it.
You're not making a sophisticated point. You're making a simple point.
And we get it. Yes.
What's the point? End the show. We all want to get back to our fucking lives.
Listen to you drone on with this idiocy. What's my online rating first? Oh, yeah.
Oh, zero.

You barely deserve

to have a screen at all.

I would say three.

I would say three

just because you have to,

like, you watch something

and then go on Twitter

and, like, check out, like,

what people are saying

about it as you're watching it.

Like, that's not nothing

is what I mean.

I'm going to say four

because you go on,

you do everything

that Malcolm says

and then you come here

and you complain.

And that to me

is those online behavior. Howie does not have a dog in this fight.
I don't, I'm not watching one damn minute in this show and I don't give a fuck. And that's the freedom I've accepted for myself.
To hear you complain, you don't have to watch it. Yeah, I'm with Hal.
I mean, I stand corrected. Even though I think you deserve no devices and you should be offline completely, I do think the way you're behaving.
I think your eyes should be removed, Elijah. Let's be honest.
Okay. Wow.
That was fun. All right.
I'll agree. I'll agree.
I'll agree with Hallie. I'll say it's a four.
Yeah. Love it.
Yeah. Last week, subscribers wanted to know the times that Jon Favreau got mixed up with Jon Favreau.
And this week, Gretel wants to know- Gretel? When you've, yeah, Gretel. I've never heard that name in the whole time.
Gretel, you mean like wants to know what happened to her brother? Yes. She wants to know times you've gotten mixed up with Jon Lovitz or Lyle Lovett.
So both have happened. On the Jon Lovitz front, there was one time that was particularly egregious and embarrassing.
And it was when I was doing a radio interview with some, I think you call them shock jocks. Some area shock jocks.
Like a soundboard. Yeah, like, whoa.
I'm low-key trying to get Lovett or Liva to turn into that. Yeah, it is.
It's one of the ways we can go with it. But I came on the radio.
We were live on the radio. And they said, joining us John Lovett.
John, tell us what it was like back in the day working with Phil Hart, my God, and all those SNL legends. Already booked the show.
How do you not? And I said, are you, oh, I'm not that, you must, I thought they were kidding. They weren't.
But we're on the radio. They're like, well, then who are you? And that's so hard you know you don't want to say who you are but it's embarrassing who they've seen his face before but this is what this is pre-zoom this is on the phone this is a phone interview did they not notice that you weren't a the voice of a 75 year old man you know listen your mind will do things and make things seem like what they should be and then on the lyle, yes, people, when we're on the road, Hallie's seen this.
Malcolm, I don't know if you've seen this yet. I haven't seen Lyle Lovett.
You will, though. I saw it online.
You will. But at the beginning of shows on the road, we've started asking, like, how many people here are waiting for Lyle Lovett? And it's never no hands.
There is definitely an older couple who came. I want to say it was.
His name is Lyle. Yeah, but it says Lovett.
Even though there's a picture, it just people make a mistake. We were told after the show, an elderly couple came up to the box office and it had genuine surprise that it was not Lyle Lovett.
Does he know what a podcast is? Lyle Lovett? Yeah. So yes, Lyle Lovett is very frustrated by this and doesn't find it very funny.
Yeah. And this has been conveyed to us.
Oh, that's sad. But we've definitely talked to people who are waiting for Lyle Lovett in the crowd and asked them to hang out and see if they had a good time.
And I think most of them have. Yeah.
I mean, you're already there. You're already bought the ticket.
I'm now going to try to start booking both John Lovett's and Lyle Lovett. I think that would be a very fun that'd be great yeah it's like that uh snl where jesse eisenberg was like mark zuckerberg and then mark zuckerberg came out and it was him and andy sandberg who was dressed like mark zuckerberg like all on one stage that i remember sucking but i think ours ours is gonna be great better it's a shame that lyle love Lovett doesn't think it's funny because that's good content.

I wonder if the opposite has happened if some extreme Lovett or Leave It fans have shown up at a Lyle Lovett concert and been like, wait a minute. I'm sure it has.
I feel like our fans can read, though. Yeah.
That might be the difference. Chief difference there.
Yeah. Ben Hatote, who is a producer here, he has a behind-the-scenes story that I found very entertaining.
He produces things like this show and then also political experts react. The context is that at Crooked Media, for the last couple months, we have a new CEO named Lucinda, and we've been getting a lot of phishing texts, people claiming to be Lucinda.
And Ben, I'll let you take it from here. Hey, y'all.
This morning, I get to the office early. I'm an early bird, and it was just me and Lucinda, our CEO, here in the office.
Like Elijah said, we've been getting all these phishing texts and spam messages. So I get a text that says, hey, this is Lucinda, CEO of Crooked Media.
Are you free at the moment? And it was literally just me and her in the office. So I'm like, first of all, it's a little odd that she didn't just poke her head out of the door, but she's the boss.
And I put phone on the desk, and I'm like, yeah, absolutely. I just texted back quickly.
Absolutely. You responded? I have the same issue.
I rarely question people in power, which is a big issue for me. So I walked into her office, like, walked right in, and I'm like, hey.
And she looks at me, and she's like, Hey, and I sat down, I sat down across from her at the desk. You made yourself at home.
Yeah. And I'm, and I'm looking around.
I'm like, wow, you know, this is the first time I've been in your office. Cause it was.
So I was like commenting on the pink walls and we're, we're chatting about design stuff. And, and I sat down and, you know, she looks at me and she says, how are you? And I'm like, I'm, I'm good.
I'm okay. You know, we have two recordings today.
I tell her a little bit about what's, what's on my plate, but, uh, but she, she seems confused, which makes me like really confused. Like, why am, why am I here? What do you, what do you need to talk to me about? Uh, uh, so, so anyway, uh, we, we chat for a little bit, but she keeps referring to a meeting.
She's like, she's like, I, you know, I have a couple, I have a couple minutes. I have a couple minutes because I have a meeting, a meeting coming up, but it's, she's like, it's okay.
You know, we, I can, I can, I can miss the first couple of minutes of the meeting. And she was like, kind of like prying at like, what do you want to talk to me about? And Iying at like what do you want to talk to me about and i'm like what do you want to talk to me about so you do not say at any point like yeah so i got your email or anything no no so so so because i had left my phone at the desk so then you know we talked a little bit and she's like you know hey i'm glad we could do this i do this.
I'm glad we could talk. Let's do more of this.
And I'm like, yeah, you know, thanks. Thanks, Lucinda.
This was, this was great. This was at like, you know, nine 30 in the morning.
And so then I, I, I come out, sit back at the desk and then I, I see my phone that my phone has been blowing up with texts about, you know, this is urgent. I need an Apple gift card.
But I was I was receiving I was receiving these texts from her while I was in there meeting with her. So you started to put it together.
You started to put it. You started to put it together.
Like, I should have brought an Apple gift card for her. She was waiting for me to offer her a gift card.
And didn't yeah and and i felt like a a big a big fool uh i i i slacked her i'm like wait a second you didn't you didn't invite me to have a meeting with you and she's like no not me so uh anyway that's that's my uh impromptu terminally online that's awesome that's way better than what i was gonna do Yeah, seriously. That's awesome.
That's way better than what I was going to do. You might want to check on your credit score.
Yeah, seriously. That's great.
That's great. That's so funny.
I love that. So what's up? Dude, you're trying to figure it out.
And also, by the way, by the way, from her point of view, just like, wow, there must be something he's working up to get to. Yeah.
You know, like this is he's taking his time and he has something he wants to talk about, but he's work. He's getting to the place where he's going to share something or an idea or concern and just kind of trying to have an open door and you just didn't get to it.
No, no. And like who was more confused? Was it was it me or her? I mean, luckily, she she like rolled with the punches.
She was like good about improv-ing this this meeting, like i i wouldn't just like barge into the ceo's office like unannounced and make myself at home i think it's cool as hell thanks for telling us that yeah thanks hey we believe you and um we see you we see you yeah thanks y'all let's go to the advice column. Dump him.
That's a deal breaker, ladies. Dump him.
He's just got that in you. I'm going to tell you how it works.
Subscribers ask for advice. And this week, I'm the subscriber asking for advice.
Okay. Twist.
What's your question? Are you going to ask us what to do because you're stuck in a red state work life balance Elijah in Charlotte that's a deep gut he's like Elijah Elijah in North Carolina you're on the air so you guys are Obama's former speech writers spokespeople Hallie you're an excellent writer you're a professional writer thank you next week I'll be out in LA seeing you guys because I'm going to a wedding where I have to give a groomsman speech. How do I give a good wedding speech? Oh, first of all, if you were coming for a wedding, crooked paying for that flight? Oh my God.
No, they're not done. Oh my God.
Here's just a question. Do you have a time limit? Sometimes people say one minute sometimes people say one minute I can't think of a story with both of them in it that's appropriate to tell at the wedding is my problem just do the one you know here are a couple tips keep it brief that's number one number two I think most important advice for giving a toast at a wedding is do not talk about writing your toast or how you didn't know what to say.
I sat a lot thinking about do not do the making of the toast. It fucking sucks.
It's bad content. And don't tell people how great your friend is.
So-and-so is kind and smart. Find a little story or an anecdote that shows it.
Don't overwrite. Everyone overwrites their wedding toasts.
Everyone uses way too many fucking adjectives to tommy's point no just tell figure find the story find the story that's funny also provide enough context around the story so that the audience who doesn't know you and your friend really well and know the backstory can still understand there's a lot of like inside jokes suck they suck don't do the things like but you know what i'm talking about that time we were in no one else knows we were in syracuse i'll save that for another not for today not for today that shit sucks ass don't do it amateur hour if you don't have a funny story you should switch tack and just go incredibly emotional i mean incredibly sincere and my one of my brother's weddings his best and gets up who's like, he's just a funny guy he's from ohio you know like he and he gets up and he gives the most emotional like loving open-hearted people who are sobbing and because we just didn't expect it that's what you do that's how you get them i think that's right i think that's right that's good too yeah one little comes up and tells you you do a good job so really it's like it's your wedding go against type go against go against yeah yeah powerful That's good, too. Yeah.
And then everyone comes up and tells you to do it a good job. So really, it's like, it's your wedding.

Go against type.

Go against type. Go against type.

Yeah.

Powerful.

That's just great advice.

I was definitely going to do a little,

when I was thinking of writing.

It sucks.

It's shit.

It's garbage.

It's been done.

We've all seen it, you know.

And Elijah,

oh, it's also,

it's not a roast.

Right.

It's not a roast.

Yes.

It's not a roast.

Not a roast.

Was that helpful?

That was genuinely great advice.

Okay.

Thank you. I appreciate it.
And send it to Lovett for a punch was that helpful that was genuinely great advice okay thank you

I appreciate it

and send it to

Lovett for a punch up

yeah

okay yeah

thanks John

for signing up for that

and just be glad

I'm not giving a toast

at that wedding either

you know

oh my god

because uh

you know

I always bring it

thanks for listening

to Terminally Online

new episodes come out

each Saturday

and again

you can get more episodes

by subscribing to friends of the Pod at crooked.com slash friends. Sometimes you have to choose between a great deal or a great experience.
Other prepaid providers stick you with slow networks and price hikes. But with U.S.
Cellular Prepaid, getting a great deal doesn't mean sacrificing a great experience. U.S.
Cellular Prepaid offers great nationwide 5G coverage without any gimmicks or hidden fees. And now you can get a free Samsung Galaxy A16 5G to make a great experience even better.
Stay connected without making sacrifices. Terms apply.
Visit uscellular.com for details. Hey all, I'm Jamie Lynn Sigler, a mom, actor, and advocate.
I know how overwhelming it can be trying to decide which treatment is right for you. I've been there.
But you should know you're not alone. You can do this.
Start with some research, talk to the community, and most importantly, don't be afraid to ask your doctor questions.

You might find results that speak for themselves.

That's how I landed on Kesimpta.

Ask your doctor if Kesimpta, Ofatumumab, could be right for you.

You can check out the details at kesimpta.com.