#83: What Matters MORE than Who You Are Meeting

$80,000 to a matchmaker and still getting ghosted.

That is a true story of one of our Ready for Love clients, a super successful businesswoman.

In fact, her company was even featured on the show Undercover Boss.

So she's no slouch.

And this is just one of hundreds of stories that I've heard over the years from women who've invested in a matchmaker, only to end up with the same disappointing experiences in dating.

Whether you're on the apps, meeting men in real life, or maybe considering hiring a matchmaker too, what we hear, my team and I, what we hear over and over again is this.

I'm not meeting anyone I'm remotely interested in.

The men I meet aren't at my level professionally, financially, intellectually, or spiritually.

There's just a mismatch in values or lifestyle or ambition.

There are no good men in my town.

Dating in my city is a challenge.

Where are all the good men?

And if this is what is happening and who you're attracting, then of course it makes sense that you think the problem is that you're not finding him.

And it makes sense why so many women believe that a matchmaker could just be the answer.

Let's outsource the whole thing.

Let someone else do all the legwork of finding you a great guy and vetting him to make sure that he's for real.

I get it, but if any of this sounds like you, this episode is going to save you time, energy, frustration, and at least $5,000 because that is is pretty much the starting fee for hiring a matchmaker.

Because the reality is this, it is not about who you are meeting.

Not finding him isn't actually the real problem.

What matters far more than who you are meeting is who you are being.

Hi, it's Hillary.

Welcome to the Ready for Love podcast.

Thanks for tuning into the conversation today.

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So I'm going to tell you what I mean by who you are being in just a minute.

But first, if you keep telling yourself you're just not meeting the right men, or there are no good men in your city, or in your town, it does feel like that is the problem.

But it's not actually the problem at all.

It's problematic for sure, but it's actually the symptom of a deeper problem.

Because the truth is there are plenty of high quality men who want to be in a relationship in every city.

And lots of women are meeting them.

My clients are meeting them.

So why not you?

If you are consistently attracting duds, you're just not attracting or meeting high quality men, then all the signs point to you as the common denominator.

And I say this with all the love in the world because I am your biggest champion and I want you to win.

So please just hear me out here.

Okay, so let's talk about what I mean by who you are being.

Imagine a tree.

The leaves on the tree are at the very top and it represents the surface level things that you're experiencing out there when you're dating and getting into relationships.

So on the apps, it's not enough matches or too many matches of the wrong kind.

Men who are flaky and it just feels exhausting to date on online.

Or in real life, men don't approach you.

You've been told you're intimidating or your lifestyle doesn't give you access to meeting men.

Then there's the early stages of dating someone.

The ghosting, things fading or fizzling right when you start to get excited.

The one-date wonder, which is when you have a really great first date, so you think, and then you never hear from him again, and it leaves you wondering, what did I do wrong?

It's getting love-bombed, or constantly ignoring red flags that you see, but you dismiss.

It's about the kind of men that you're attracting, unavailable, immature, underemployed, narcissistic, or maybe dealing with addictions, just simply not at your level.

And it's your track record in relationships.

Maybe you're always just getting disappointed in some way.

Maybe you've been betrayed.

Maybe you can't rely on the men that you end up in relationships with.

Maybe you never seem to feel valued or like a priority, or you end up in one-sided dynamics where it's always about him and never about you.

Those are the leaves of the tree.

And I know it feels like a really big problem if you're experiencing any of that.

And it's very painful and frustrating, I know.

But none of that is actually the real problem.

All of that is just the symptom of a deeper problem.

And if you just keep focusing on the leaves, you're chasing symptoms, chasing your tail, and you will never get ahead.

of this issue and you will continue to recreate the same patterns over and over again.

So now we're going to go to the next layer down, which is the tree trunk.

And this represents how you're showing up in your love life, your emotional state, your energy, and your vibe.

So maybe you're full of self-doubt, questioning yourself or second-guessing yourself.

Maybe you're anxious or fearful or ambivalent, which is you want love, but you kind of don't at the same time.

So you're guarded.

And maybe you're starving for attention or validation, which can just come across as being overly eager or even desperate.

Or Or on the flip side, you come across aloof, like you've got your walls up and you're waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Or maybe you're like deer in the headlights because you're not sure what you want or how to make it happen or how to date at all.

So here's the thing.

You look the part on the outside.

You've done a great job and there's so much to be proud of.

You take good care of yourself.

You dress well.

You look the part.

You have the success and the lifestyle and the friends and everybody loves you.

All those things.

You are a shiny object.

You are a sparkly little object shining in the water.

You're noticeable.

You're going to get attention.

Yes, from all the men, you're going to turn heads.

But the second that they catch wind of this vibe, they can sniff this vibe from you a mile away.

And here's the thing: it attracts all the sharks.

It's blood in the water for the sharks.

The kind of men that you don't want to be with will take a beeline straight for you.

They can see it and smell it and sniff it out a mile away and they're thinking, there's my woman.

A nurse, a purse, an ATM, someone to help raise my kids, someone to help me start my business, all of those things.

Whereas the kind of men that you really want to be with, the men that you dream about or aspire to be with, high quality men who are healthy and stable and sexy and secure, they notice you too.

But the second that they sniff this vibe, they turn the other way because this is not who they want to be with.

They want to be with a woman who doesn't just look the part, but feels the part and is the part on the inside, too.

And I know you're thinking, well, what does this have to do with meeting anybody?

Maybe once I meet him, that might happen.

But like attracts like, my dears.

So as you're listening, think about this.

This is what the law of attraction states in its most simple form.

Like,

like.

If you are showing up in your love life, not sure of yourself, insecure, having hang-ups, worried, anxious, ambivalent, being hard on yourself, not feeling good about yourself, not believing that it's possible, beating up on yourself because you're a perfectionist and you can't give yourself a break and you're critical of yourself and nothing that you ever do is good enough for you.

Who do you think is going to come knocking?

You are a magnet for men who also do that to themselves.

They feel the way that they feel about themselves the same that you do about yourself.

And it looks like the men are the problem.

Okay?

That is how it works.

If you are showing up a people pleaser and overly accommodating and agreeable and not sure that you can be your true authentic self and that you have to change who you are for somebody to like you, that insecurity and fear about being your authentic self is going to attract men who need you, who want to take advantage of you, who don't feel good about themselves, the narcissist type.

You are a puzzle piece shaped the way that you are.

And if you keep showing up in your love life, this puzzle piece, you're going to keep finding men who fit that.

That is why this is so essential and so important.

And this takes us to the roots of the tree, the roots that feed the whole system, your subconscious fears and your beliefs, your early defining experiences.

And this is how you feel about yourself and what you think about yourself and how you talk to yourself in your head.

It's what you believe about yourself and what's possible for you.

It's who you think you are and how you talk to yourself and how you relate to yourself and what you think of yourself, your identity.

It's the wounds and the traumas that you've carried your whole life.

And it's also what was modeled for you about relationships when you were growing up, what you saw and witnessed between your parents or primary caregivers.

So when you put all of this together, it makes perfect sense why this part of your life is hard for you.

And the truth is, you just can't fake it.

You cannot stuff all of that down and just pretend.

Despite looking the part on the outside, all of this.

oozes out of you.

It's just a vibe and an energy.

It's behind everything that you do in every moment or interaction that you have with men.

And it sends a message to the universe.

This is who I am.

Send me my match.

This is why doing identity work is everything.

It's the gateway to everything that you want.

So it's not about what you're doing.

It's about who you are when you're doing it.

It's about who you're being.

It's not who you are meeting.

It is who you are being.

You have to be who you need to be in order to attract the kind of men that you want for yourself.

You can look the part on the outside, polished and successful and beautiful and put together.

But if deep down you are doubting yourself and questioning yourself and not trusting yourself, if you're unkind to yourself or insecure or just don't believe love is possible for you or you expect to be hurt or disappointed, that energy will always betray you again and again.

You cannot just focus on what you're doing on the surface or how you look on the outside.

You have to be the high-value woman on the inside.

A woman who believes it's possible.

who trusts herself, who listens to herself instead of doubting and questioning.

A woman who knows her worth and her value is internal and not tied to her external achievements or accomplishments or from a man picking her.

And a woman who makes herself a priority and treats herself the way she wants to be treated.

You can't expect anyone, let alone a man, to make you a priority when you don't, when you've put yourself last again and again.

You must go first and then everything else follows.

And that is actually the best news that I can tell you because you have 100% control over that.

And this is the main reason why hiring a matchmaker to find your person doesn't work for the majority of people who hire them.

And most dating coaches, programs, and all the conventional dating advice out there only focuses on the leaves of the tree.

What to do when you're dating.

Send this text, say this thing, sign up for that app, act this way, be that way.

Men find this attractive.

Men like women who do this.

All of that is prescribed.

It's a prescription.

You can do everything you're supposed to do.

But if underneath you're not being the woman who's ready to receive healthy love, none of it will land the way that you want it to.

So let's put all this together.

If you keep running into the same patterns and if you're not attracting the kind of quality men that you want to be with, the right men for you, instead of feeling frustrated or losing hope that there are no good men out there, pause for a second.

Because when you're focused on the leaves only, on the symptoms, you end up in this negative feedback loop, repeating the same patterns, all the while blaming men, the apps, the whole dating world or your small town, just starting to really believe that love isn't possible for you.

The real shift comes when you are just willing to ask yourself, how am I showing up?

What am I bringing?

How could I possibly be contributing to this in some way?

This is the foundation of Ready for Love, and it is essentially identity work.

Yeah, we show women how to date and how to trust their picker and get clear who their ideal man is and help with profile writing and flirting and all that fun stuff.

But why we are so successful with our clients is because we go to the deepest levels, the tree trunk and the roots of the tree too.

And if you want anything in your life, you have to first become the version of you who can live.

the life that you want once you get it.

Let me say that again.

To get anything in your life, you must first become the version of you who is capable of living that life, that future life.

You have to be your future self first.

You have to go first.

And when you shift who you are at the core in your being, doors open everywhere.

Our clients don't just get the love they want.

They start getting opportunities and money and abundance and success.

It opens up a world of infinite possibilities.

And as I once heard someone say, not even the sky is the limit when you are in that state.

So I just implore you to please be willing to look in the mirror and look under the hood.

This is the answer, I promise.

If you truly want love to come into your life, you must be the version of you who is ready to receive it.

That's when everything changes.

If you feel ready to take that next step, please just book a call with my team and I.

We are here and ready to talk to you.

Go to readyforloveinc.com forward slash apply.

Thanks for listening, and I'll see you next time.