#84: How Investing in Yourself Can Change Your Love Life

The catalyst really for signing up for your program was a Saturday.

I was laying on the couch and I had just gotten into an argument with a good male friend of mine the night before and completely out of character for me.

And I was all alone and I had

just a string of like these kinds of interactions that my heart was just hurting and I was taking it out on people.

And I had another clarifying moment that's that something in my heart is broken something is broken this what i'm doing right now isn't working and

you and i had had a conversation right after that and i just knew that i had to make an investment in myself and what i was doing wasn't working and something drastic needed to shift

hi it's hillary welcome to the ready for love podcast

Thanks for tuning into the conversation today.

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Well, hi, everybody.

Welcome to the Ready for Love podcast.

We are, I am so excited.

We have a special guest today, Laurie Young.

She's an amazing woman, and I can't wait to share her with you.

What we are doing is welcoming graduates of the Ready for Love program, our alumni,

so that we could talk about their journey and what it's been like for them and where they were and where they are now.

And of course, one of my favorite things to do is to brag on women, celebrate them, lift them up, affirm them.

And everybody needs to know my amazing clients because I am the luckiest lady.

I get to work with the most phenomenal humans on the planet.

And today we're going to talk talk to Lori.

Lori is a Ready for Love alumni, but we have a special story and we're going to talk about that in just a minute.

But currently, professionally, she is the executive director of the Adams 14 Educational Foundation.

And that is a school district in the Denver metro area.

And she's also a candidate running for Commerce City, City at Large position.

So we're going to hear all about that too.

And when I found out about that, I was so excited because as you'll hear in her story, where she was when she started this journey with me so long ago and where she is now that she's putting herself out in the public eye like that is light years of growth.

And I couldn't be more proud of her.

And I want you to get to know her.

So welcome, Lori.

Okay.

So I,

what.

We'll talk about like our history, but when I found your podcast, I started listening to it and I feel like I'm talking to someone super famous because your voice runs on loop in my head, but it's all good stuff.

You know, it's all like,

it's you telling me that I'm

badass.

You are badass.

And I mean, look, we grew up in an environment and in a culture, unfortunately, where women are not taught to get each other's backs from the time that we were like are like middle school.

And I hate that.

And so in my world,

wherever I go, I like to tell women that they look pretty or I like their outfits or I tell them that they're amazing or I just, because it's true.

And we all need to do that for each other.

And that's what Ready for Love is about is turning women into women champions of each other.

And so I'm glad to hear that my voice still kind of plays out in a loop in your head.

I always tell women as we're enrolling them, you're going to hear my voice in your head for the rest of your life, whether you like it or not.

So at least they're good words that you're hearing.

Okay, so let's, what we're going to do is we're going to kind of chart the course of what's been going on for you.

And let's, can you just tell everybody how we first met?

Yeah, so my

husband at the time and I were going through a very challenging season of our marriage.

And I was recommended to you by another friend of mine.

And that's how we met was me coming in at this really big kind of crisis turning point in my life.

And the advice that I hear over and over and over again

is

the Chinese finger trap.

And the more I try to control and force

behavior from somebody else, the more my fingers get stuck.

And that if I just relax and let the outcome be the outcome and their behavior be their behavior, that it's easier to get out of that finger trap.

And that was a very clarifying moment for me in my marriage and my own

tendency to want to try to control how he behaves, thinks, feels.

And it was just a little glimpse of a moment for reclaiming.

myself.

Yeah.

Wow.

I haven't thought about that metaphor or that in a long time.

You're bringing back Olm.

And for the listeners, this is pre-ready for love.

We met back when I was in private practice and we were doing some couples therapy together way back in the day.

And so when was that?

Like what year was that approximately?

Oh, probably 2009, 2008.

And I remember, I remember so much of that, that time.

I mean, my brain works in funny ways, like certain things I can't remember at all.

My daughter complains, I have a terrible memory, but I remember those back then.

I remember in the office sitting there with the two of you and some of the things that you guys were struggling with.

Fast forward, you guys ended up getting divorced and we worked together one-on-one a little bit.

And then you went on your merry way.

And I didn't hear from you again for a while.

And then in 2017, I launched Ready for Love and up, Laurie surfaces, resurfaces and reaches out.

and signs up for Ready for Love.

You were one of the very first crop of women to sign up and go through the program.

That sounds right.

Cause you were pretty early on.

Yes.

Yeah.

yeah so tell everybody okay so you had been single for about 10 years at that time or eight it would have been about six or seven years yeah six or seven years and you reached out because what what was going on with you what were you struggling with what was happening I was cycling through the same relationship that was going nowhere for a long time.

And I was also like meeting and dating other people.

And specifically at that time there was a guy who had reached out out of the blue and I was smitten with him from like the very first moment I saw him but he was a breadcrumber and so he would reach out and I would get really excited and then he would be like oh I just want to be friends and so I would like accept these little breadcrumbs and the catalyst really for signing up for your program was a Saturday.

I was laying on the couch, and I had just gotten into an argument with a good male friend of mine the night before, and completely out of character for me.

And I was all alone, and I had

just a string of like these kinds of interactions that my heart was just hurting, and I was taking it out on people.

And I had another clarifying moment that something in my heart is broken.

Something is broken.

This, what I'm doing right now isn't working.

And

you and I had had a conversation right after that.

And I just knew that I had to make an investment in myself.

And what I was doing wasn't working and something drastic needed to shift.

Yeah, I remember that conversation.

I remember the enrollment conversation because I, again, I remember those types of things for a lot of women because it's just so it's like when you read a good book or you watch an amazing memoir or you know like those things stick with us those stories stick with us and I do you remember saying this you were like I was we were talking about the investment the actual financial investment to get started and you're like but Hillary I'm saving for a couch

And I was like, Lori, do you want to save for a couch or do you want to invest in yourself and then buy a home together with somebody someday and fill it up with amazing furniture?

And blah, blah, blah.

And here we are now, which I'm not going to spoil the, we'll get to the

spoiler alert, but no, we'll wait to share that.

Do you remember that?

I totally remember that.

I think about that couch comment all the time.

Yes.

I tell people that story too.

Like, okay, there is a financial component,

not just an emotional one and a psychological one and a wellness one and a well, like there is a financial component because it is very expensive to live a single life, to retire on one income instead of two, to pay your bills by yourself instead of two, to travel on one.

So, yeah, there is.

And that was something that you, we had to talk about when you were getting started.

And I know it was scary for you to invest in yourself because you're a single mom and your kids were still young at the time.

Yeah, yeah, they were.

Um, what I have since learned from that experience is that I'm worth investing in, and

the couch, whatever, will come and go, but um, but I'm here, like I'm here to stay and I'm worth investing in.

And it was scary because my perception of money at that time was really wrapped up in security.

If I have money, then I'm secure.

But there are so many other things that I learned that helped me develop my own sense of security and having my own back

and being my own best friend.

And that

I can make more money.

I didn't think I could at the time, but I really could make more money.

Yeah.

Well, and people say time is money, but you can always get make more money.

You can never get time back.

And right.

And when you invest in yourself and you grow yourself, you will make more money because you just become a better you.

You're wiser, you're expanded, you know more.

You're, you know, you're just, you have a greater capacity for all things.

And so when you, every time you invest in yourself, you are putting money back in your own pocket without a doubt.

So I love that.

So I'm sure you've done a lot of other things since the program.

Cause look where you are now.

Like you've done a blog, you've done coaching and consulting.

And you've done a lot of things since then.

Yeah, I feel like consistency would.

is valuable.

But then again, every single thing that I've done, I have taken away some kind of, as you call it, like a golden nugget.

I have taken away something very, very valuable for myself, even if the thing didn't work out.

Exactly.

I've had those things and I'm grateful for all of those things.

And when you live with that mindset, you're never scared to take another risk ever, right?

That's, that is 100% true.

Yes.

Yeah.

Because again, the Chinese finger trap, you can't control what happens with other people and what they do and the outcomes.

So if you just relax and let that go and trust and have, have your own faith, whatever that is in the outcome, really is about you and how you're handling yourself,

you always get the win, no matter what.

Yes.

And so more recently, when I started listening to your podcast, it was in May, and I

have been feeling very sedentary.

So I'm like, I'm going to go outside and just go for a walk.

And, oh, look, I'll just listen to Hillary's podcast.

And all of these little pieces of wisdom and the remembering about being grateful for the hard things and remembering that I have my back and remembering that I'm worth investing in.

They had all kind of built up to this decision to run for city council because it was a really scary thing.

It's very outside of my comfort zone, but that alone, the Chinese finger trap, I can't, I can't control what other people think.

I can't control if they vote for me, but I can

have full control over how hard I work to do this.

And if it doesn't work out, I will have gained so much knowledge about myself

and

so much knowledge about my city because you can't run for city council without taking a deep dive into like the issues of the city and what's going on.

And so that knowledge somewhere along the way is going to help me.

That completely eases my anxiety.

I mean, I have to psych myself up every day.

I have a beautiful journal that I write in every single day that

helps get my mind right and changes my mindset.

Amazing.

Is it the daily journal?

It is the daily journal.

It is a beautiful experience.

Not only are you learning about yourself in the city, but you are stepping into your next level identity.

You're growing yourself.

It's who you're being in the experience of doing this, seeing yourself handle things, seeing yourself respond to these things.

You are growing every single time that you put yourself out there in this way.

Let's go back to the program and talk about some of the big key takeaways.

And I have one that I always talk about with people who are potentially enrolling.

when it comes up and it's appropriate for their story.

But tell us what were some of the really powerful things and where you were stuck, you know, and how it unlocked that for you.

Yeah, so there was a, there's a couple of things.

When I first signed up for the program, there were about three or four nights that I woke up in the middle of the night

completely freaked out by the investment I just made.

I was in a faith community at that time

that

really kind of pushed back on this idea of self-development.

And I just was so worried that what I was going to learn was going to

be

against some of those things that I'd been taught and that I believed.

And it wasn't that as much as having a conversation with you about it.

And I

finally,

I couldn't take the no sleep anymore.

So I was like, well,

I have to have a conversation with Hillary about it.

And I think that's one of the first times, really, that I had the courage to say what I was thinking and to

say like something really hard and be vulnerable.

And of course, you're Hillary, you were like, well, yeah, I totally get that.

I understand.

And let's talk about it.

And tell me more and tell me what you think.

And that was a really great example for me that I need to have the hard conversation and that regardless of how it went, I was going to be okay.

Because

I was so used to

the idea that I was responsible for not making somebody mad, or I was responsible for keeping them happy.

And I learned to be responsible for me and my own feelings, and my own experiences, and asking for what I need.

So, that was lesson number one.

And then I remember that conversation, by the way.

Do you?

I was going on a walk in the neighborhood

when we had that conversation.

I remember exactly where we were when we were having that.

Yeah.

And I remember just you were, that was a profound moment for you.

And it seemed so simple that I didn't even realize the impact that it was going to have on you because, you know, it just seemed so

foundational or fundamental to be able to have a conversation like that.

But, but I, so I learned from you in that experience, just how hard that can be for some women to do when you celebrated that you did it.

And you said, I think that conversation was worth the entire investment alone.

And I was like, okay, well, I had, I, I learned from you.

Oh, like that was such a pivotal moment.

And so then to like learn about you call it the sunny side up, but two distinct individuals that are not overlapping, but that

can be two distinct individuals with their own feelings, thoughts, beliefs, behaviors that there is no ounce of like trying to control or

or

in, you know, you have influence, of course, in your relationship, but that you're not responsible for each other's feelings.

And

I just never thought about it like that.

I had always felt responsible for all of the people around me and that if I'm like quiet and laid back and sweet, that I can control their

feelings and their day, and that they could come home really moody and like sullen at the end of the day.

And if I was like bright and sunny and cheery and had dinner made, that like

oh, like that will make him feel better, right?

And that one line,

I, you know, don't make me mad or or you make me happy.

That

I learned that is the falsest statement that we say to each other because I cannot control how you feel.

But

knowing that and owning that for myself, I could take responsibility for my feelings, that I stopped putting my moods on other people to make me happy.

And I could take responsibility for my choices and my decisions.

And that

even in a relationship, I still get to be me, wholly, uniquely me.

And if the other person isn't here for it, that is a them problem and not a Lori problem.

I want to highlight a couple things about that.

I remember talking about

with you once about how you had had said by kind of

toning yourself down a little bit to appeal to a lot of people, it allowed you to not have to take responsibility for things, but then also,

so it wouldn't be your fault.

Right.

But also maybe because you probably had a history of being blamed for things, but also you weren't then able to claim victory when it was, right?

So you were, I remember at that job at the time that you had, you stepped fully into a leadership role because of that,

knowing that and being okay with that.

And like, I'm going to take responsibility for the things that don't work out because that allows me to then claim victory when it is my win.

And I remember that.

Do you remember that?

I, I, I remember it like it was yesterday because I think about it all the time still.

Isn't it crazy how that what we're talking about really doesn't seem to have anything to do with with dating and love and finding love?

It really is about our individual selves.

It really is.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's why it's really just the impact impact is so far reaching.

I take myself, you know, into my relationship, but I take myself into work and my relationship with my kids and

dreaming and thinking about what I want and what I desire for the future.

I have to know myself

and I have to be okay with who I am in relationship to myself before I can do any of the other things that I do in my life effectively.

Man, are you doing it well?

So one more thing that I remember that that I want to share, and you see if you remember this too.

I remember when you were dating, you were trying to decide, do I need to be with somebody who shares my faith?

Because faith is very important to you.

And you were afraid to date somebody who didn't share your faith because you were afraid if you were with somebody who didn't share your faith, you would lose it.

because that's what had happened in your marriage.

And we had a long conversation about, well,

why is this important to you?

It's okay if it is important to you, but we don't want you to just feel like you have to date with somebody of the same faith because you were afraid you'll lose yourself.

And so, right, you still ended up deciding that was important to you, but because it was something not fear-based, but just by choice, right?

And the...

Do you remember what the solution was?

Like how you were able to, do you remember that?

I think

what I remember is you telling me it's kind of like, like, because this is really important to you, you've decided that, you've determined that

it's kind of like

two people deciding one person wants to have kids and the other one doesn't.

Like, you have to decide how you and this other person move forward together.

But it is, but it is a decision that I make

and only I make, right?

Like, my faith community doesn't make this decision for me.

I make the decision for me.

Yeah.

That relationship didn't work out,

but

I think it really had very little to do with the faith component.

And it just, we were just two people who weren't going to work out.

Ultimately, and I'm saying this for the everybody who's listening, is you don't have to be afraid of losing yourself.

in any relationship when you promise yourself you'll never do it.

It's really up to you.

So you could have chosen somebody with a different faith

if that, if you know, you could have done that because you know Lori will never do that to herself ever again.

That is up to you.

Self-betrayal and losing pieces of you in a relationship that are important to you isn't something that somebody else can do.

That is only something that we do to ourselves.

So when you, when you get your own back and you know that you'll never do that, you don't have to pick somebody of the same faith or same anything from a fear-based reason, right?

It's, yeah, ultimately you decided it was still important to you anyway, but which great, you know, but it's not from a place of fear, which I love for you.

Yeah, I

learned

what I value.

And I can't quote you back to you because you articulated it so well, but I made that decision for myself.

Yeah.

And I

have my my own back.

I can

be in relationships with people and still be me because that's important to me.

I value that.

I value my authenticity and I value my integrity, but I just had an aha while you were saying that.

So

nicely done.

Let's talk more often.

Let's just talk more often.

I know.

So let's fast forward and spoiler.

Okay.

So tell everybody where you're at now.

So I did end up getting that that new couch, but I bought it with my husband for our new home.

And

I met this

really kind, lovely human being in 2020 at a golf tournament.

And

I had a couple drinks.

I wasn't driving.

I knew that I was okay.

I didn't have my kids, all the things.

And I see this

guy sitting at a table with some friends of mine.

And i said

you know hey friend is your is your friend here single and he of course heard me uh because he's sitting right there and he said uh well yes i am and i said

well you need to ask me out to dinner and he goes okay would you like to go out to dinner with me and i said well of course so

That was that.

It was, you know, 2020 was a hard like dating year.

And I was feeling discouraged and fluffy and like

in all the ways and i was like why are single men not asking me out so i just like took the bull by the horns and told him he needed to ask me out to dinner okay so that that is

sexy okay it just is it doesn't matter how fluffy you might have been that is irresistible and i never heard that story before i love it yeah it was irresistible to me too and uh you know the thing about him,

I never had like big fireworks and lots of warm fuzzies and like all the major things.

And so I kind of doubted myself, but I've had fireworks and warm fuzzies and like all the things.

And for the very wrong reasons, right?

So the most valuable lesson I came away from that is

the makeup of our brain.

and you'll know way more about this, but like just because it's familiar doesn't mean it's safe.

And so I was gravitating toward relationships that felt familiar,

but they weren't safe.

And so when he came around, I knew intellectually because I learned from the program what safe looks like in a relationship and how do I feel when I'm in this relationship with him.

And I felt great.

And the thought of not going on another date with him made me really sad.

And so I kind of decided for myself that the fireworks were

the wrong,

they're the wrong indication.

And that what I really felt was like myself.

And I could laugh and I could joke.

And

we walked side by side versus previous relationships where they'd always be in a hurry and they'd walk ahead of me.

Or I knew every time I saw him, he was going to be in a good mood and he was happy to see me.

And to this day, we've been together for five years.

He never comes home moody.

He never comes home passive-aggressive.

He is always happy to see me.

And we do our best work on the couch.

We have the best conversations at the end of the day.

He has my back.

He's really the reason that I

have this belief in myself that I can run for city council.

And it's not that I didn't, but he reinforces that.

Like, of course you can.

Of course you can.

Yes.

You've got this.

Like, I've got your back.

You've got this.

That is a secure man who can affirm you and not try to hold you back or possess you or control you and just wants to see you shine and is secure in himself.

Like, I love him.

I love you.

I love him because he loves you.

Yes.

He is very secure in himself.

And I can tell because he's not trying to compete with me or one up me or one up my stories.

I learned from you

to

look for what I want.

And I had to learn what that looked like.

I had to learn what healthy looked like.

And so I learned to look for what I want and not look at what I don't want.

Like, oh, I don't want an alcoholic.

Oh, I don't want a narcissist.

Oh, I don't want,

I started looking at what I want.

And really, that's how I became so attracted

to this person that, like, deeply

just

he fills me up in so many ways because he is healthy and he sees you pure and so kind.

And

he, we play golf together.

He doesn't go run off and play golf, you know, on Saturday afternoon with just the guys.

And

he wants me there because he enjoys my company.

We play poker together.

We have date night every Wednesday night.

It's local poker at the

pub.

And

he

he enjoy he likes me.

He enjoys my company.

And weirdly, like there are guys out there who actually enjoy women's company.

Yeah.

Well, and I know, again, it doesn't sound all that revolutionary, but honestly, when you've had a history of not experiencing that in relationships, it feels.

like a foreign until it doesn't anymore.

And what you're talking about is

using the journaling to reprogram yourself.

It is this magical tool.

It's hard to explain it sometimes, but it is a magical tool to change the way you think and see the world and see yourself and to level up your mindset and your thoughts and change your identity.

And then you get what you want.

You got this person in your life because you became that version of Lori who was ready to receive that.

Okay, so now let's brag on you and celebrate.

So I just love that you went from, I don't want to be seen, to I'm stepping fully into the political arena where i'm going to be scrutinized and really putting yourself out there that is badass it is badass i one of my affirmations to myself that i write in in that day in our daily

in our daily journal it's ours it's ours um is i am fearless unafraid and unintimidated

I write it to myself every day.

That's partially hyping myself, but it is truly changing the way I think about how I respond to criticism and people who have different opinions and all of the angry people on Facebook.

I am fearless, unafraid, and unintimidated.

It has truly helped me step into a new identity of somebody who can be vulnerable, who can share my opinion.

I would never share my opinion with people because what if they disagree with me you know and worse what if they think less of me

and it really is a I my mindset has changed like

a full 180 degrees that it's okay for me to have an opinion in fact it's important for me to have an opinion because that's how you get shit done

on city council but that's how i get shit done at my job and in my family and people need to

what I have to say so they can make a decision about whether or not to elect me into city council.

Yep.

And yeah, it's out of my comfort zone, no doubt about it, but I'm getting there.

Every day,

I'm more fearless, more unafraid.

I'm more unintimidated.

That makes a big difference.

It does.

Oh my God.

I'm trying not to cry.

I'm so proud of you.

I can't.

I'm just so

happy for you.

And bringing it back to the program like i just

when i was developing this i don't even think i realized how powerful it was going to be i knew it was going to be great but look at this like you are a shining star you always were and just didn't know it but now you know it and you own it and you walk around blinding everybody where you go and you know a magnet for positivity and

i if i were living there i would vote for you 10 times over.

Seriously, everybody who's in our area needs to vote for you.

And

you're just amazing.

And I'm so happy for your, you and your family.

And

I can't wait to see what happens.

I remember a conversation sitting in your office in private therapy.

And you and I, I think we're towards the end of our therapy together.

And so we were kind of dreaming a little bit about like what our futures were going to look like.

And you said, I want to be,

I want to be like,

like Oprah, right?

Like somebody who shares my knowledge and my wisdom, but on a bigger scale.

And whenever I

like listen to your podcast and whenever I see your work on social media, whenever I hear about your Ready for Love program, I think about

the woman you knew you could be.

And

here you are.

But more than that,

I have a lot of like suspicion around like groupthink and like getting too involved in listening to one teacher or one expert.

But you're what you provide and what you teach women has nothing to do with you.

It has everything to do with what I'm capable of and what every woman is capable of.

And I find myself repeating, you know, your advice.

Like, you can trust yourself.

You have your own back.

Of course, what you're doing is scary, but you're going to be okay because you've got your own back.

And it's,

it is a way of celebrating other women to encourage them so they know that

whatever they want to do, whoever they want to be,

is up to them.

And they get to decide.

And I love being part of this like community of alumni

who all kind of speak the same language, but also like we get to celebrate each other.

Yes, yes, yes.

Thank you so much for saying that.

Yeah.

I don't remember that ending conversation in the therapy room, but I have had to do my own work to get here.

I walk the walk too every day.

You know, I'm expanding and growing and checking in with my own mindset and my own blocks and doing my own journaling.

And

so, yeah, we're in it together.

And you're right.

I love

when I, when I do this work with one woman, I know she's going to go and share it in her world.

And it's just, I love it.

So thank you for being a part of it.

And thanks for coming on the show to share your experience.

It takes a lot of courage to do that.

So another notch in the belt.

Yeah.

Thanks, Lori.

And if anybody wants to find out about what you're up to, where can they find you right now?

Well, if you live in the Commerce City area, you can go to LoriForcommerCity.com.

That's where you'll learn all about my platform.

But on the nonprofit side, I am incredibly passionate about education.

You can find out about the Adams 14 Education Foundation at Adams14Foundation.org.

Great.

Thanks for sharing all of that.

And of course, that's all Denver metro area.

It's local, but we have people in the area.

So why not?

Okay.

Thanks, my love.

I appreciate you being here and sharing your story.

I appreciate you too.