923. Q&AF: Starting Business in Debt, Life Balance Hustle & Toxic Parent Struggles

Yeah, we're sleeping on the floor.

Now my druid box froze.

Fuck up bowl, fuck up stove.

Counted millions in a cold.

Bad bitch, booted swole.

Got her own bank rope.

Can't fold.

That's a no.

Headshot case cloak.

What is up, guys?

It's Andy for Sella and this is the show for the realists.

Say goodbye to the lies, the fakeness, and delusions of modern society.

And welcome to motherfucking reality.

Guys, today we have QAF.

That's where you submit the questions and we give you the answers.

Now, you can submit your questions a few different ways.

The first way is...

Guys, always, you can email these questions into askandy atandyforsala.com.

Or

you do this part.

Where else can they?

Or you can write your questions in the comments on the Q ⁇ A F episodes.

Or.

Oh, okay.

All right.

Or

you guys can hit the link in the description below and submit your questions in the form.

There you go.

You'll get better with time.

It's the first time, bro.

It's like riding a bike.

He put me on the spot.

It's like paying for groceries.

You know what I'm saying?

No.

No.

All right, guys.

This is the show.

QAF tomorrow.

We're going to have CTI.

That stands for Cruise the Internet.

We're going to put topics on the screen.

It's a current event show.

We're going to laugh and make fun of and talk about the problems these tyrants create in society.

And then we're going to talk about how we, the people, can solve these problems.

Other times throughout the week, we are going to have a real talk.

Real talk's just five to 20 minutes of me giving you some things that are on my mind.

Real talk.

And then we have 75 Hard Verses.

And we got a good group of 75 Hard Versus people coming on.

That's where people who have completed the 75 Hard program come on the show.

They talk about how their life was before, how their life is now, and how they use the 75 Hard Program to get their life together.

All right.

Now, if you're unfamiliar with 75 Hard, it's the initial phase of the Live Hard program, which is the world's most famous mental transformation program ever.

And you can get it for free at episode 208 on the audio feed.

Again, that's 208 on the audio feed, and it's free.

There is a book.

The book is called the Book on Mental Toughness.

It's on my website, andyForsella.com.

It is not free, but it does contain a whole whole bunch of more information than the podcast does at episode 208.

But if you want to do it for free, go get it for free.

Episode 208.

Yeah, I think that's it.

We do this little thing on the show here.

You know, we put a lot of time and energy into this show.

We just ask very simply that if you're part of the team, if you're part of the crew, if you get value, if you like what we do and you want us to keep doing it, do us a favor and help us grow the show.

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What's up?

Hey, man.

Man, how's it going?

Hey, man.

Yeah.

Hey, man.

You drink your mountain dew today?

I'm dragging ass right now, man.

Bro, I am too.

What is that?

Well, I had to be up.

I was up at 6:30.

Did you get your air conditioning back on?

They fixed it today.

Yeah.

And so it's blowing.

It's good.

Yeah.

But it always feels good to get it blowing.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

Well, I mean, bro, I looked at the heat index today, bro.

It's 105.

And it's going to be like that for like the next seven days.

Dude, it is, it's blazing.

Steamy.

Yeah.

It's very, very steamy.

There's nothing worse than having your AC go out like dude in August.

Dude.

In Missouri.

No, thank you.

So I'm happy to report that it is a cool 72 degrees in the Johnson household.

There you go, man.

Down from 85.

Yeah, now you only got like 10 more degrees to go until you're a normal human.

That's right.

Yeah, that's right.

I like to keep my shit cold, bro.

Bro, well, I usually, I usually, we usually rock it at like 70, 71.

Yeah.

69, that's right.

69 is not bad you know i like about 69 that's at nighttime though

helps you sleep easier i like about 65

you know what i'm saying

all right yeah man what's going on with you dude yeah no that's about it bro uh that's about it you know heading into a uh good weekend and

making it do what it don't all right making it do what it don't

and don't do what it does and don't do what it does that's right and you ain't got to explain what's understood what's understood ain't got to be explained That's right, that's right, right.

Let's make some people better today, man, guys.

I got some good questions here.

Um, we got some people lined up.

Um, let's make some people better today.

What are we doing?

We're starting with a write-in or a call-in.

What we got?

Uh, call in.

I have call in ready.

All right, let's go.

Yeah, we got our buddy Travis locked and loaded.

Uh, let's give Travis a call.

Hello, hello.

Am My speak to Travis, please.

This is Travis.

Hey, Travis.

I was calling about your car insurance and wanted to see if you

wanted to say 15% by switching over to Real AF.

What's going on, Travis?

Hey, man, how's it going?

What's up, Travis?

I apologize.

I can't fix it.

I tried to fix him and I can't.

Yeah, I can't fix them, man.

It just is what it is.

I'm actually drinking a grape first form, so I actually was falling for it a little bit.

I think that made me way, way too happy, like way, way more happier than it was supposed to.

Yeah, that was good.

I think it did.

That was good.

Yeah.

So, Travis, where are you calling from, man?

Yeah, so I'm

physically right now.

I'm in southern Wisconsin, but I live in the northern peninsula of Michigan.

Okay.

The unclaimed territory.

God's country.

Yeah.

Ah, so what can we help you with, brother?

What you got going on?

Yeah, man.

Well, first of all, I'm just a huge fan.

I mean,

I'm 25, but I've been listening to your show since I was 19.

Heard every episode of MF CEO, Real AF, all that.

Read the books 75Hard four or five times now.

So this is awesome.

My question spans from, I'm in the fitness space.

I've been a personal trainer.

of a gym for a long time was a manager regional manager um i sell first form products and basically I'm getting to the point now where I want to, you know, eventually own my business, a gym.

And, you know,

I just have a hard time with the whole like going into big debt.

I know like I've listened to you and like, you know, you couldn't really get the funding for certain things.

So you were using credit cards and you kind of started up small and stuff.

With where I'm at, you know, I could potentially be looking at, you know, three, four hundred thousand dollars in debt at 25.

And I'm just trying to think of a good way to look at that.

Well, look, man,

I think it's good.

So here's what I'm going to say.

You're going to have all these people that are going to tell you, oh, don't worry about it.

It's no big deal.

It's part of doing business.

You can borrow this.

You can borrow that.

You can build your business.

I didn't, like you said, I did not have the opportunity to do that.

And I, at the time, was very frustrated that I wasn't able to get a loan.

I wasn't able to get any help.

I wasn't able to have anybody finance me.

But here's the thing, dude.

If I had gotten financed with the amount of experience that I had, I can admit now that I would have wasted that money away.

All right.

I would have thought, like most entrepreneurs do when they're first getting started, man, I'm going to create this.

I'm going to go buy a Super Bowl ad and it'll make my company.

And I would have figured, I would have went for the home run swing as opposed to actually building a solid foundation, which is what not having the financing forced me to do.

So I actually got pretty fortunate that I wasn't able to borrow money when I was just starting out because dude, if I had, I wouldn't be sitting here right now.

And I could just tell you that's 100% accurate.

Now,

that's my experience.

Okay.

Now you're in a little bit different space.

You have all this time.

You have all this experience.

You have, you know what you're doing.

And

that is a different story when it comes to borrowing money to get into your own thing.

All All right.

You, yeah, yeah, you have to understand that, like, dude, debt is generally a part of the equation, especially when you're in a scaling business or you're just starting out for most people.

So it's very, very normal for you to have to do this.

But the fact that you're aware of it and the fact that you're afraid of it is a good sign.

Okay.

Because it's the people who aren't afraid of borrowing money.

It's the people who want to borrow the most.

Those are the people who end up burying themselves.

The people who use debt properly to build and scale their business and are very cautious are the people who don't like having debt.

And debt's a really good thing when you get experience using it.

And as your business grows, it's going to become something that you will have to have most likely, hopefully, because your business will grow so fast that you'll need the cash to do it um

so for you dude the fact that you are aware and you're you're debt averse you're like i don't know i don't like this i actually think that's a really good sign uh

i i think that's how you should think about it and i think that's going to force you to be very cautious about how you use that debt to grow uh and scale your business out man i i think it's a very normal thing and i think where you you know where you have hesitation other people people are just hungry to get it.

And that's what ends up screwing them, bro.

They spend it on some big marketing campaign or, you know, they say like, well,

you know, I'm going to increase my lifestyle and people will see it.

And then they'll want to, dude, it's, they tell all these bullshit justifications that really, you know, don't work in business.

So,

you know, that's how I think about it for you, bro.

The fact of the way you ask the question about not really wanting to do it tells me that you're going to be responsible with any debt that you receive.

Is there a way to do this without debt?

For me right now, no.

What kind of debt is this?

It's just to purchase a business.

Yeah.

And it's a business I'm involved with.

I'm familiar with.

Yeah.

So, and you know, another thing, you know, question was, I know some people started business and stuff from scratch, but this is an existing business.

So

I don't know if you have any advice with that.

For you,

here's what you know.

You know the business.

Does the business cash flow to cover the note, the debt service?

Absolutely.

Okay.

Well, then, bro, you don't have anything to be afraid of.

You already know the business.

You're fucking doing what needs to be done.

You're a young man.

You have an opportunity in front of you.

I would highly encourage you to go for it if this is something that you believe in.

Because,

you know, we only get so many chances in our life, dude.

And, you know, I know you're 25 and, you know, you probably think you're going to get a gazillion chances, but dude, I'm just telling you from an older brother perspective, we get two or three chances where you got to fucking jump and go.

And one of them, I'll tell you, one for me is very similar to the one that you're talking about.

You know, I was, I had two stores, two retail stores in Springfield, Missouri.

I got a call one day from a guy that I knew that had

five other stores.

He called me on a Monday and he said, hey, man, I'm closing my stores.

And I said,

he said, do you want to buy my inventory?

And I said, and I stopped for a second.

I thought,

and I said, why are you closing the stores?

And he's like, well, I'm getting out of it.

I want to go into this new thing.

And I said, well, why don't you just let me take the stores?

I'll buy them from you and I'll operate them.

Little did I know the stores were fucking losing money left and right.

He lied to me about like what they did,

or I wouldn't say lie, but just exaggerated.

It's the honeymoon phase.

He's going to prop it up a little more.

Correct.

He sold it.

He sold it.

And,

you know, we ended up in a situation where we had to work really hard to fucking make the business work.

But he called me on a Monday and by Thursday, I had moved back to St.

Louis to run.

And I was living in Springfield at the time.

And I fucking said, fuck it, I'm going.

We're going.

And that one move, that jump, led to us scaling out our retail company where, you know, we're still growing, opening stores, doing very well but also it led to the birth of a bunch of other things considering uh you know the one that most people know me by which is first form so that wouldn't have happened if i hadn't jumped and this feels like one of those opportunities for you at 25 and i think you should feel real strong about it dude there's there's there's nothing that you

let me ask you this what would make you more certain what information would make you feel better about it you know all the relevant information correct

Yeah, I mean, I honestly, I do feel pretty certain.

And I'm, you know, I'm,

this is something I've had a plan for for quite a few years.

I'm very close with the owner, right?

Like, very, very, very close.

Um, and this has always kind of been the plan.

That's why I've stuck with this company for so long.

But now that it's, you know, getting close to time for this to happen, I'm just like, you know, I just want another opinion on it.

You know what I mean?

I've talked to a few people,

but yeah.

Bro, if we, if, look, go do it.

You'll kick ass.

You'll be fine.

You'll, this is normal.

I understand, you know, you get a little nervous and you maybe want some positive reinforcement.

Bro, you, you, very rarely do I say, hey, go do it.

You sound like you've got to figure it out, dude.

And I would just, I would encourage you to go and go confidently.

All right.

I appreciate that.

Yeah, brother.

Anything else?

No, I mean, not really.

Here's one thing I will point.

Here's one thing I'll point out to you that is a positive about what I think, just as someone who's heavily in the fitness industry as well.

You're moving into a very good space for what's happening in the world right now.

With the automation, the AI and all the automation and all the tech,

people are going to have more free time and they're always going to be around people.

They're always going to want to train.

They're always going to want to consume.

They're always going to want to be fit.

At least a certain part of the population is.

And

I think you're moving into something that that has a lot of good upside considering the timing right now so there's that too

yeah i feel like for the i think this year for the first time in a few years since covid we're kind of bouncing back yep you know covet was tough for gyms you know we were the first one shut down last ones open

deemed assess pools it was it was awful um bullshit but i feel like now people are yeah people are like oh that's all bullshit like actually i'm i don't have to be scared of anything really if i'm healthy right that's all there is to it so we're seeing an increase right now and the trends are good.

So yeah, I feel super confident with what I do.

Cool.

Well, go do it, bro.

And hit us back up if you need any more help as you go.

I appreciate it.

All right, brother.

Thank you.

Thanks for all the support.

Heck yeah, man.

Thanks.

See you, Travis.

See ya.

Yeah, man.

Something you said there that I think is really, really important.

is not taking more than you actually need.

Yeah.

And I feel like that piece right there, for some reason, just stuck with me because, like, yeah, you can get, you know, they'll tell you, I'll prove you up to, you know, half a million dollars.

Bro, listen.

You only need 200.

Listen, that goes in your personal life, too.

Yeah.

You and I have had those discussions a lot.

Oh, yeah.

What happened to you this week?

Oh, I had to cash out, baby.

What happened?

Hold on, hold on.

Let's just, this is a real life example.

It's real.

Okay.

Do you mind if I?

No, for real.

Okay.

So, DJ wanted to go buy a very, very nice house because DJ is doing very well for himself.

And he's earned it.

All right.

But what did I say to you about the house?

Why did I not want you to do it?

Because there's going to be a lot of costs that come up that you're not going to be aware of or tracking.

That, you know, and it's not going to be one furnace.

It'll be fucking three.

That's right.

And what happened to you this week?

My furnace went out.

And how much was it?

It was $56.08.

Okay.

And imagine that times three or four.

You see what I'm saying?

So we have to think things through.

And just because the math maths on the short term,

there's a lot of things that happen

in the long term that we don't account for.

And so a lot of people, especially when they're young, and I really like what he had to say.

I mean, he sounded like he had his shit together.

He does.

A lot of young people will fucking take as much, they'll take an extra 100 or 200, or they'll try to get as much as they can.

And then they'll say to themselves, well, you know, I only need 300, so I'm going to spend the extra hundred on me.

Right.

You know, I deserve it.

Right.

Just stupid shit.

Stupid kid shit.

And it ends up fucking us.

You know what I mean?

Oh, yeah.

But the fact of the matter is, is like when it comes to debt i'm very

i feel very good about how i've handled debt over the course of business in my life we are essentially debt-free um

the

that's not very common no that's also why it took so long that was the point i was going to make so like you know if if he went out and started something from scratch bro he's five six years away from even getting the brand put together.

You know what I'm saying?

Like to where people resonate.

So by getting this, you got to look at it as time too.

You know, as you get older, you start to value the time as much as you do the money or the opportunity.

And there's a time value to this.

If he's 25 and he's got to spend four or five years establishing a brand, that means

by the time he's 30, he'll be where he is basically right now.

but like have less time to do it.

You know what I'm saying?

So

it's, it's, um, it's a, you have to, you know, consider all the variables.

And as you get, you know, as you get older, time becomes one of them.

And you don't want to spend five years doing something that could be done immediately if it's going to cost you a couple, you know, a couple bucks

to get it going.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, 100%, man.

I think, too, and this is something else you've told me, too, just on finances and

looking at it.

There's also something to be said, too, about just being a little uncomfortable.

Yeah.

Because that's what's going to keep you fucking going.

Right.

It keeps you urgent.

Like, keep your treading water.

Comfort is something everybody should try to avoid if you're in business.

You should never try to get comfortable.

You should try to be uncomfortable.

Yeah.

Because that is the urgency that drives you.

You know what I'm saying?

When you start making good money and everything's going good, it's real easy to stay in bed, bro.

It's real easy to not to say, oh, everything's cool.

Fuck it.

No, blah, blah.

But then before you know it, it ain't cool.

You know what I'm saying?

Oh, yeah.

So, and sometimes when it gets not cool, it takes years to recover that back.

So, yeah, I agree with that.

I think it's important to stay a little bit uncomfortable.

Yeah.

That doesn't mean go out and fucking finance a Lambo guys.

You got to be very clear about this.

For sure.

So, let's get another one in, man.

Let's get it.

Hey, Andy and DJ.

My name is Caden Butts.

Yes, that's my real last name.

It literally is B-U-T-T-S.

Okay.

I've seen worse.

It's going to be Bucus.

Yeah.

You know, I'm 18 and looking to start up a landscaping company within the next year.

And I'm doing everything I can,

can think of to be productive.

I'm not trying to be a billy badass or anything, but I have a construction job I've been working for so I can grind, save, and reinvest little by little while also simultaneously learning the tricks of the trade I need to be the best I can be.

I work 16 hours a day, most days,

with maybe two to three off days a month, during which time I tend to find myself so far behind on personal tasks, such as cleaning my house and several half-finished yard projects.

My friends and family don't see me anymore, which understandably frustrates them to a degree.

It also has gotten to a point where I can confidently say I don't even know what day of the week it is half the time.

I know balance isn't an option in the beginning years, which isn't a problem for me.

But I just want to know with your experience and just pure obsession over this business, is there a point that you, you know, you need to step back and maybe take it down a notch?

P.S.

The Screaming Freedom Energy has kept me sane this summer.

Looking forward to seeing it in more stores up here in Wisconsin soon.

What we got on this, man?

Bro, you're already trying to take a fucking break.

You ain't built nothing yet.

You're already talking about balance when you ain't done shit yet, bro.

You ain't even fucking started your business yet.

Okay, this is the way it goes.

I went fucking six years living in a different town, only coming home for literal the day of Christmas, the day of Easter, the day of Thanksgiving.

And that's it.

I would drive three hours home for the day, and then that night I would drive back.

I did that for six fucking years.

I didn't have a day off the entire time.

Now,

With that being said,

it sounds like you might have a little bit of an organization problem.

Okay.

So

you need to work on, you know, being organized with your time, making sure that your time is well spent, making sure that, you know, you're not saying, oh, I work 16 hours.

So the shit, other shit just, you know, doesn't matter.

Are you really working 16 hours every day?

Every day?

Are you really doing that?

Or are we just saying that we're doing that?

Okay.

Here's the thing.

When you're young and when you're getting started, this is the level of commitment that it takes.

And all the things that we talk about over and over and over again on the show, where your family and your friends and the people who know you say all these little comments like, oh, you're changing, you know, oh, you know, you think you're too good for us.

Oh, you're working too hard.

Oh, you need to take a break.

You're going through that right now.

You are dealing with the make or break time in your life right now.

Because I'm going to tell you something, bro, and not many people will tell you this.

As you get older, you will have more obligations.

You will probably have a girlfriend or a wife and then maybe some kids and then maybe some bills and then a mortgage and all of these things that will jail you up from ever being able to do what it is you're trying to do right now.

So you need to remember, one,

you have an opportunity right now as an 18-year-old man to make yourself into something special and get way ahead of everybody else that you know.

Two, you have the least amount of obligations that you'll ever have in your life right now.

You need to utilize that.

And if that means that the house is a little fucked up, then that's what the fuck it means.

Okay.

We have these things called priorities.

And your priority right now is to make sure that for the next 80 years, you are doing well.

And you might only have one or two times in your life where you could set that foundation properly.

And this is one of them.

So

you are going to have to get more organized with your time.

You're going to have to understand that your parents and your friends and your family and everybody else are not going to understand.

You could try to explain it to them and you should, but they're not going to understand unless they have gone that path.

then you're going to have to spend time with them when you can and that's reality and i don't know how to say it any other way but this is what it fucking takes bro you're going through the beginning phases of what it takes and you're learning why most people can't do it because they face all this external pressure.

They have their friends, they have their family, they have their girlfriend or boyfriend telling them that they should do it this way or that way and this way or that way is what what the best thing is for them at the time, not the best thing that it is for you over the course of time.

So we have to realize, bro, this is your opportunity and you need to make the most of it.

And if you want to build a landscaping company and you want to fucking make it a real thing

15 years down the road where it is legitimately one of the best landscape companies around, you're going to have to pay your dues right now.

And that's it.

That's the reality.

And,

you know,

there's no way around it, man.

I don't know what else to tell you.

Yeah.

I mean, to me, it sounds like the powerless would be perfect here.

And I think one of the best things that I've been able to experience from the powerless, bro, is that no matter how crazy of the day or you knock off those things, those become like those small wins, as small as they may seem.

Yeah.

are fucking everything, bro.

Maybe it's just making your fucking bed in the morning, bro.

They compound, dude.

You know, and they compound they build your confidence they they set a foundation for you to believe in yourself and by the way if you use it right if you use the powerless the right way which you can get for free at episode 16 on real af feed

if you use the powerless the right way you cannot fail it's the only system i know that literally removes failure from the equation it is the only system that does that if you use it properly you cannot fail and that's the fucking reality of it.

So yeah, I would highly recommend using that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think another thing too, you said, too, it's like, because I feel like there has to be some, some, some really honest reflection on what the actual inputs are here, right?

Because like, I've, I've heard that, I've had friends, oh man, I'm so fucking busy.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, they, people say that busy, that B word a lot.

Yeah.

Are you, though?

No.

Are you doing it?

They never are.

Busy is a word that people.

I'm not saying this guy's not.

Listen, I'm not saying he's not.

Busy is a word that people default to when they want to explain what they've been doing when they don't have an explanation for what they've been doing

all right what do you what why were you late oh i was busy why did you why didn't this get done oh i was busy why isn't your why is your life look like shit oh i'm so busy how the fuck can you be so busy when your life looks like shit

you know what i'm saying so like it is something people say as a defense when they can't actually explain what they've been doing.

Busy is for losers.

effectiveness is for winners, and that's it.

And if you're really good, you should be able to be effective without being that fucking busy.

And that's what the powerless does.

It gives you your life and it gives you the results that you want.

And that's the point of it.

The point of it is y'all waste so much fucking time talking about how busy you are.

Nothing gets done.

And the reality is, is if you could get shit done

in an effective way day after day after day after day after day, you'd have a lot of free time to do whatever you want.

I mean, the biggest thing that people say when they do 75 hard, dude, is I can't believe how much time I was wasting before.

They're unaware of it.

So getting organized with your time and utilizing a system like the powerless that helps you guarantee that you're moving forward is a must.

If you're not using it, like real talk,

okay, I've built my entire life on that fucking system.

If you listen to the show and you don't use that, there's something wrong with your fucking brain.

You shouldn't even listen to the show.

Why would you listen to what I have to say and all the advice I have and and all the things about winning and all this shit and then not use the system that i tell you will fucking guarantee you to win when it's free you know what i mean

so yeah man

what no no

yeah i mean that's it it's simple man it's real fucking simple these guys you know i find it interesting that this dude's like

You know, you haven't even started your company, bro, and you're talking about fucking backing off.

Bro, you got to put some motherfucking earplugs in and you can't listen to people that you don't want to be like.

They're going to tell you all the shit that they want to do, not what you want for yourself.

And you're going to have to do that for the next 20 motherfucking years.

And then after 20 years passed and you've got the, you know, the biggest, most profitable, coolest, prestigious landscape company and you're, you're making amazing money and you have a great house and all this shit, everybody's going to tell you, oh man, you know, I'm so glad that, you know, you did what you did, and I'm proud of you, and I believed in you the whole time.

And these are the same motherfuckers that are telling you to take a play off or take a break or, you know, go drink with them or go party with them or whatever it is you guys do.

Bro, listen, most people don't know what the fuck they're doing in their life.

They have no fucking idea.

They can't see further than five fucking feet in front of them.

The longest most people see is to fucking Friday night.

And if you listen to those people, you're going to be the same as You're going to be the motherfucker who spends his whole life going to the same restaurant, the same bar, drinking with the same people, doing the same shit with the same amount of fucking money in your bank account.

And it's going to be you that pays the regret for that.

So you cannot fucking listen to these people because the truth is, 90 8% of people have no fucking clue what they're doing with their life.

That's it.

That's real, man.

That's real.

I love it, man.

Let's get our final one in.

Let's get another one in here.

Let's give Kiera a call.

Hello.

Kiera, what's up?

Yo.

What's up?

What's going on?

Dude, I'm just like studying for like a pre-nursing exam.

So like I'm just locked in on that right now.

Oh, hell yeah.

Hell yeah.

I got Andy here.

What's up, Kiara?

How are you?

Dude, you don't even,

you don't even know how like surreal this is.

You know, and you know, obviously, you know, I don't know if the shit is going to be aired or not, but I'm going to say something like, so for real.

So like last year, I was at the lowest point of my life being basically like, you know, fuck life, fuck all of this.

But I was like, you know, I feel like the next approach, like the

only approach that I need to do, like the, the most like

insane shit I could have done is like 75 hard.

That was like for me was like locking down and doing that.

And that like, that literally saved me

because I was on like antidepressants and I was like really down and really numb and like very confused, like super what I felt like sedated.

And like it really opened up.

like my life and what I could do.

So like I'm super blessed, man.

Hey, you did that, man.

I didn't do that shit.

You did that.

That's fucking awesome.

That's a huge fucking win, dude.

And I appreciate you sharing it.

But remember, that's you.

That's all you.

It's fucking awesome, man.

So what's up?

Okay.

So

like, I mean, there's like a little bit like more to that.

So when I was at like the lowest, like I've ever been in my life, like being hospitalized, getting out, being like on meds, like just super,

just super, really rock bottom.

Like I really hit rock bottom, and I feel like that was the best thing for me.

But I had to move back in with,

I guess, I don't want to talk shit about this particular parent, but I had to move back in with like a kind of emotionally abusive parent.

And

it's been hard because

I want to get better, but for some reason, when I

like deviate from like kind of taking care of this person they shit on me when I'm not doing exactly what I want you know what they want me to do and and it's been really hard because I really I really love I really really love this person and they're very supportive when they're supportive but but I think they might have like mental issues and where they're like really really up and like really love me and then really really down when they're mad or upset about their own life and they take it out on me and it it's been hard because I've been like weaning off my meds and trying to uh like regulate but this person is constantly like uh shitting on me when like things are good but then it comes back really fast and then they shit on me right then and there like it's always like a hot cold hot cold and it's been really hard mentally so I just want to know like what what would you say I can do about that if I'm kind of chained to them financially

well you know the first thing that you should do is try to unchain yourself financially so that if you decide that you don't want to tolerate that, you don't have to and you can move away from it.

With that being said,

you know, there's a saying, right?

Hurt people, hurt people.

And

as frustrating as it is to deal with someone like that,

it's probably coming from a place of hurt and fear

and

maybe abandonment.

You know, a lot of parents have problems whenever their kids grow up

because

they

have made their entire life

raising kids their identity.

And so when kids start to grow up and become adults, it can be very hard for people.

And sometimes when they're afraid of losing, you know, they overcompensate with, you know, anger and things that aren't healthy and don't feel good.

And that's not your problem.

You didn't do anything wrong.

It's not you.

It's, it, it's, it's how someone has a lack of control over their own behavior.

And, um,

you know,

fuck man.

I'm sitting here thinking about this and I have so many people

that I've been close to over the years who have,

you know,

not my parents, but who have

mirrored a lot of what you're describing.

And so I really empathize with it because like, dude,

when you really care about someone and then someone doesn't approve of you, it fucking hurts, dude.

And it causes massive amounts of anxiety.

And if you're like me, I like to solve problems.

So the minute that someone gets frustrated, I feel like I have to solve it.

And then when I can't solve it, it causes like massive fucking amounts of anxiety for me.

And what's happened to me in my life is that people have learned that about me and then used it against me.

And

one of the things that I have found to be effective in dealing with people like that

is to not, it's a pause.

It's like a pause, okay?

When they get pissed or they get frustrated or they get angry or they become disapproval or they say something, I just don't engage

immediately.

And then I'll let some time pass and then I'll engage later to correct the problem in some sort of adult way.

Like, hey, man,

you having a bad day or what?

Like, it's all good, but, you know, I could tell you're frustrated.

I know it doesn't have anything to do with me because I didn't do anything.

Yeah, right.

So what, you know, what can we do there?

At the end of the day, And I hate saying this because I know that it's really hard for people.

But if if none of that works, sometimes you got to distance yourself from people and move them out of your life.

And at least for a time where they don't feel as comfortable treating you that way, because sometimes when you take a pause from people's lives, it creates an unfamiliarity where they don't feel as comfortable laying all of that kind of shit onto you.

You know what I mean?

Some distance in between.

So,

fuck, this is a hard thing, man.

And it's so, it's so different in every situation.

But at the end of the day, here's the thing.

You're coming into this world alone.

You're going to go out of this world alone.

And if people that are related to you treat you poorly, they don't deserve a spot on your roster.

And that is just the bottom line.

There's been a lot of people in my life who have...

probably unknowingly created feelings inside of me where I felt like they were holding me back or discouraging me or giving me negative energy or judging me in a negative way for the things that I wanted to do in my life that I've had to remove from my life because like I just don't want to fucking hear it.

And I'm to the point now at my age where really like the first time someone says some bullshit to me, I'm fucking out.

Like we're not going to have a friendship.

You're not getting in the circle.

Like it's not going to happen.

But when you're first starting to establish that, it can be really difficult because

we care about people.

And especially when it's like our parents or, you know, a brother or sister or cousin or family members that you grew up with,

it can be hard.

But at the end of the day, man, the truth of the situation always remains the same.

And it's this.

You only have so much energy in your day

to do the things that you think are best for you.

And to do the things that are best for you as an individual and be good at them, it requires most of your energy.

When I say most, I mean like upper 90s percent, 97, 98, 99%

to live a good life.

You know, and when I say a good life, I mean, you know, to have enough money to do what you want to do.

I'm not saying, you know, you have to be a billionaire or worth $100 million,

but to be comfortable, you have to be able to pay that price of energy.

And when you have people that are pulling that energy out of you with really useless shit that doesn't mean anything because they're not able to control their ups and downs,

sometimes those people got to be limited or even removed out of your life.

And there's nuance to it.

There's, there's,

you know, everything is a different situation and everybody has a different story.

But at the end of the day, I like to bottom line things.

And the bottom line is this:

if you spend energy there, that's energy you're not going to have to build the life that you want, and that'll end up making you suffer long term.

And so, that's how you have to think about it.

So,

all in all, you know, there's steps to solving this, right?

One, have a direct conversation with the person.

Hey, I can't have you doing this shit.

I can't manage your emotional ups and downs.

It's not something I can do.

Two,

if they continue to do it, you create space.

Three, if they continue to do it more, you create more space.

And four, if they still don't get it, you cut them out forever if you have to.

And the first step for you to be able to do that is get yourself in a place financially where you're not dependent on someone else.

And that's another thing, dude.

When people know that you're dependent on them,

they will weaponize that.

You know, they will say, well,

yeah, they will say, Well, what, what she can't do anything about it.

Where are you going to go?

Yeah, what are you going to do?

And

that's what would happen when she would, oh, I said she, but you could probably figure out the mother, but she would threaten to kick me out every time.

Yeah, and dude, the minute you stop and say, Cool, I'm out, she'll stop with that bullshit

because she don't want to lose you either, dude.

She's just, here's what I've learned, man.

Most people are insecure, even your fucking family, even you, even me, even even all of us.

We all have insecurities.

We all have situations, you know, and emotions and things that don't make all the sense all the time.

And when we act out, it's usually because we're scared or because we're, you know, angry.

And it usually has nothing to do with the other person.

It's frustration that gets vented into the other person.

And

when the person finally says, yeah, well, cool.

Usually that's when people change their behavior.

So,

you know, listen, I know this is a hard thing,

but at the end of the day, you got to choose yourself because

your mom isn't going to take care of you for your whole life.

She's not going to be able to.

You're going to have to take care of you and you're going to have to eventually take care of her.

And, you know, these are things that are reality.

So, you know.

Man, I feel bad that you're going through it, but it's not something that is

uncommon.

You know, I think most people go through some kind of shit like this in one way or another, especially when they have ambition, especially when they want to break the generational cycle of the same old shit, you know, because, dude, people will feel all kinds of ways.

They'll think they're going to lose you.

They'll feel ashamed because they created an environment that you want to escape from.

There's just all kinds of shit, man.

I've been saying all the shit you're doing that they didn't do.

That's That's right.

And sometimes parents and family are the biggest fucking haters, dude.

I hate to say that, but it is, it is the truth.

I've seen this so many times in my career

doing, you know, personal development where parents, I'm very lucky because my parents are proud of me, but not all parents are like that.

And

it's sad.

It makes me sad.

But you got to pull your shit together.

You got to get fucking strong.

And you got to realize that this isn't that they don't love you.

It's that they're emotionally incapable of managing their own shit.

And

it's not a you problem.

No, it's not.

And when they respect you, when you go out on your own, you start doing some things, they'll start treating you differently.

So,

yeah, that's fucking hard, man.

Yeah, I mean, it's

it's

it's especially hard because

look and and I 100% acknowledge it.

it I mean as a as a Dominican it's it's kind of like the stereotype that like you know our parents like beat us like whenever we ask a question they're always quick to temper like it's I and it's funny that I say like you know our parents beat us but like it's it's so it's so common like to the point where they make literal skits about it but like I

like I don't think the thing is I'm not the type of person that doesn't take it to heart.

It almost seems like everything that she says about me is

so pointed.

It's so hard not to

be affected by it.

I've had a, you know, I hate to throw myself under the bus, but I've had to restart 75 Heart a bunch of times last year because people would say, you know, she wanted to burn the house down.

They give anything to me.

So have I.

I've had to, too.

That's normal.

You're going to have things that are coming in your life and disrupt you.

The biggest thing you can do is get back into it the next fucking day.

You know, and by the way, I got my ass beat growing up.

I turned out all right.

You know what I'm saying?

We come from a family.

Yeah, not gonna lie.

Yeah.

Sometimes it's deserved.

Yeah.

Well, every time I got my ass beat by my parents, bro, I'm gonna tell you right now, I fucking deserved it.

I earned it.

Yeah.

You guys just use chocolates, right?

Is that the joke you were getting to?

Yeah, pretty much like candles with anything heavy enough to reach you.

That's correct, bro.

Oh, yeah.

That's correct, dude.

I get it.

Yeah.

I I mean, look, I actually think people should beat more of their kids so that we'd have a better society.

That's really, you know, absolutely.

Absolutely.

I see it at, you know, I still, I'm kind of, I'm not in that.

I mean, I don't know.

Do y'all know what Publix is?

Like the paints or food.

The store?

Like the paint store?

No, it's a grocery store.

Public grocery store.

Yeah.

But anyways, yeah.

Don't listen to him.

Don't listen to him.

His brain is cooked.

Oh, yeah.

I like, I like, I just one thing I got to tell you, DJ, before, you know, before I leave, I kind of want to roast you on something.

But so, like, I'm not at that upper echelon of like, basically, like, shopping at Whole Foods.

So, I still shop at Walmart.

And I'd be, I still be seeing like kids get their ass beat.

And I'm like, bravo.

Because I see the way they're acting.

I'm like, there's no way I would not like throw

kids respectfully.

You know what I do when I go to Walmart?

I beat other people's kids.

I just grab them, fucking spank their ass.

Their parent looks at me all crazy and shit.

I'm like,

somebody's got to do it.

Yeah, that's right.

Bruh, the amount of times I've wanted to, like, I don't know if you'll get it, like, pizza pie these kids, you know, throw them in the air, spin them around, and you know, throw them to infinity and beyond is too many times for me.

Pizza pie them.

A pizza pie, yeah.

That's right.

What?

DJ got hungry.

The pizza pie?

What would my move be?

The pizza cutter.

That's right.

We'd be the tag team.

Mario and Luigi.

That's right.

Yeah.

Well, hey, listen.

The thing is, is like, dude, you got to root your identity and approval in yourself.

That's something you got to work on.

Your parents shouldn't have.

How old are you?

I'm 25.

So, yeah, my tender old age of 25, absolutely.

Yeah, dude.

but it's the only parent I got, so I love her.

I understand, but you also got to think healthy of yourself and good of yourself.

And, you know, realize that,

you know, when people say things that are not nice to you, rarely does it have anything to do with you.

It's the truth.

Have you read the Four Agreements?

No, I have not.

Go read that book.

Go buy that book today and read that book.

It's a good book.

One of the four agreements is you don't take things personal and it does a good job of explaining why.

And I think it'll help you

sort of separate your identity from needing the approval of, you know, anybody else.

So

there's a lot here, okay?

But here's the deal.

You got to continue to work on yourself, continue to develop confidence and belief in yourself.

You've got to have hard conversations with your parent.

You have to behave appropriately to protect your energy.

And if that means creating space, that's what it means.

But you're an adult and your identity and your value and your worth should be based in what you think, not what someone else thinks or says.

And because when we give that responsibility to other people, even if we care about them and love them, they can hurt us very hard.

and very bad.

And it doesn't even have to be true.

So,

you know, you got to be able to, you have to be able to look at other people, have such a strong identity in yourself that you can look at other people when they say things to you and be like, that ain't fucking true.

Right.

Like, that's the goal.

The goal is, and if it is true, you know, you say, okay, well, that's fair.

You know, found a hole in my boot.

Yeah.

That's fair.

And I need to fix that.

But, but you should get to a very balanced point about what the truth is, and it shouldn't make you angry.

Like, I get a lot of people that say a lot of things about me, right?

But when they say things that are completely untrue, I laugh.

I'm like, all right, well, whatever, man.

You know, it's not going to, I don't let it affect me at all.

I don't let it affect what I think of myself, how I see myself.

I don't dwell on it.

I just look at it and I say, yeah, that's not true because I'm very in tune with who I am, what I believe.

I know how I live my life.

I know what my heart's like.

And no one can shake that.

And that comes from establishing identity in your own actions and results, not on what other people think.

And,

you know, this is going to be a process for you.

It really is.

These are tough things.

So somebody that didn't give a fuck would say, oh, just cut them out.

But at the end of the day,

I don't think it's that serious.

I think it's just...

You know, you're becoming, you are an adult, but in her mind, you're becoming an adult and she's behaving poorly about that transition.

That's my take on it.

What do you think, bro?

Yeah, no, 100%.

It's one of those things.

It's unfortunate.

It's going to suck.

There's no, it's not going to be all friendly and night, like, but it's necessary.

I mean, you've had situations like this.

I've been in that same, I'm just now getting out of that.

And like, I mean, that's been my entire life up until 30.

So, I mean,

it's one of those things, man.

It's necessary.

But, but.

When I first met you, you were having a lot of issues with me.

A lot of those.

Yeah.

A lot of those.

Same issues she's talking about.

A lot of those.

and it sucks too.

Because, like, I mean, like, just like in your situation, Carrie, like, you want better, you want to do

really awesome things.

You know, you talk you're going through nursing school, like, that's that's great, it's great heal, yeah, and that's a hard time to go through on its own in a perfect home, yeah, you know what I'm saying.

So, it's like you can't allow any other unnecessary stress in there, you don't have the time for it, yeah.

And like, when you say, Oh, I had to quit 75 Hard because of this or that or this,

that tells me that there's a boundary that is being violated, or there's a boundary that's not set because replace 75 hard with your nursing program.

And now she causing a fit that causes you to miss key elements of nursing school and eventually fail nursing school.

Now you're fucking up your shit for real.

Right.

So there has to be a boundary as an adult set.

And that starts with a very simple conversation that happens when that person is in a good mood, not when they're in a bad mood.

Right.

When you need to have a conversation about someone's behavior, it's usually better to have it when it's not in the heat of the moment, but it's more so like,

you know, everything's cool.

So

I hope that helps, man.

That's that's that's hard, but I think everybody goes through this in one way or another, especially when they're trying to do things that are outside the realm of what our parents have done.

So

I'm sorry you're going through it, but dude, this is part of the price.

yeah honestly it's

i've i've i've come to realize you know all the times that i've and it's poor the very poor excuse is whenever i use um any arguments which is

which is terrible i hate saying this out loud but saying that i've i got into an argument with my mom or a fight and then i just chose to off the whole day like me doing this like me thinking about my future me taking securing trying to secure my future i realized that those are very,

I'm not in high school anymore.

I can't just be like, oh, fuck my mom.

I'm just not going to do homework.

Like, I'm too old for that.

Like, I'm way too old for that.

So I definitely know how to delegate my time.

If she's acting up, like, oh, wow, I'm an adult.

I have a car.

I get out.

I study elsewhere and let her be a demon in my home.

You know?

You just got to realize and not let that affect you in the moment.

You know, being able to deal with things not going our way, that's part of what the 75 hard program is about it's about being able to deal with the things that come up throughout our day and not get distracted and be able to build enough discipline grit fortitude mental focus mental toughness to push through the events of the day to to get done what we are needing to do for our long-term and short-term future and um

You know, being able to recognize that where you say, well, you know, I shouldn't be fucking off the whole day when someone gets mad at you.

Yeah, dude, you got to fix that because real talk,

there's going to be something every day.

If it ain't your mom, it's going to be something else.

And you have to learn how to deal with that without letting it totally derail you.

And I'll be real, like

I struggle with this same thing that you're talking about.

Like there is times still to this day in my life where I get so angry and so pissed off that I will fucking fuck off my whole day.

That doesn't happen every day.

It doesn't happen every week.

It doesn't happen every month, but it still happens.

And it's because it's a process.

And,

you know, it's going to be a lifetime commitment for you, especially as someone who takes things more personal

to understand how to not do that and let it go.

And the quicker you can do that, the more peace you're going to have.

So.

You got this, Kier.

Yeah, I think so too.

You got this.

I sent you some links to that book for you, too.

Okay, Thank you so much.

I just saw the link, but there's just so many factors going on in my life that are kind of like shit factors.

Like my car broke down on me.

I just got a second job so that I can be homeless, make more money, get out.

Like my test, the really big exam is coming in one week and I've had so little time to study.

This is all, I feel like, you know.

I think this is all a sign for me that I need to work my fucking ass off to get the fuck out and live the life that I want to live.

That's 100% accurate.

And let me tell you something else.

There's a lot of motherfucking people that come from a much harder situation that you are that have done everything that you're wanting to do and more.

So remember that when you think, oh man, because us as humans, as individuals, we tend to think we've got it the hardest out of everybody.

And it's just not true.

Everybody's got hard shit.

It just appears in different ways.

And

you have to understand that this is part of the price.

This is part of the test.

And you are seeing exactly correctly that you need to do these things now when you're young so that you don't have to do them at 40

saying, oh, you know, I finally get my life together.

So

you got this.

All right.

Thanks, guys.

Thanks so much for answering.

This has been a sick conversation.

I'm definitely not going to let,

you know, I don't know how to say this politely, you know, the nicest demon I've ever known, you know, put me down.

Oh, you got it.

Well, cool.

All right, man.

Thanks for guys.

All right.

Thanks, Kieran.

Bye.

Bye.

Yeah, man.

That's a tough thing, man, but it is so necessary, bro.

Dude, at the end of the day, man, you got to understand that

it doesn't matter who it is.

It doesn't matter if it's your best friend.

It doesn't matter if it's your parents.

It doesn't matter if it's your siblings.

It doesn't matter who it is.

If they are pulling away from what you are trying to do with your life

and not contributing to it, they don't deserve a spot on the roster because the achievement of

life goals is one of the hardest things that you can do.

And it doesn't matter if it's being a nurse or if it's being a CEO or if it's being an athlete or a musician.

Being accomplished in anything takes time and energy and work.

And we can't have that energy pulled away

by people, no matter who they are, if we're serious about getting where we want to go.

And

for most people, that's going to mean you're going to have to cut quite a few people out of your life over the years.

You know, the people that I associate with today

are not the people I associated with five years ago or 10 years ago or 20 years ago.

It's just the truth.

Yeah, there's a few.

But it's not many because we're always growing.

We're always evolving and we're always moving up the ladder if we're an ambitious person.

And as we go through this process,

what ends up happening is all of these people that take away from us get replaced with people that contribute and push us forward.

And then when you get into that spot,

it's a different life, man.

You know, you're not having conversations with people at dinner who are questioning what you're trying to do.

You know, you're not having

family events where people are like, oh, you're still going to nursing school.

What are you going to do?

Fucking, you know, blah, blah, blah.

You know, we get all these smart ass comments.

And eventually those comments are replaced with people that are like, hey, man, what you got going on?

Oh, you got that?

Hey, dude, I know this person.

They can help you out with this.

Let's get here.

The conversations completely change from people pulling you back to people pushing you forward.

And unfortunately, most people never get to that point because they quit before they ever get there.

They don't realize that you end up being surrounded by people who care about you who want you to win guess what most of those people aren't related to you they're not related to you so you haven't even met him yet look bro exactly exactly

and for kiara you know she's 25 dude she's going through a transition period where her mom

she sounds her mom sounds like she's bipolar that's what it sounds like but i'm not a fucking you know in a place to diagnose that but at the end of the day

she's got somebody who's dragging her down a path that she can't afford to go down at this point in her life and whether that means having a conversation and having it stop or whether that means never talking to her again your life is that important it is that fucking important because you only get one and sometimes people are fucking stuck with shitty ass parents, bro.

And that's just it.

That's how it is.

You know?

That's real, man.

That's real with guys, Andy.

Dude, that was three.

Yep.

All right, guys.

We'll catch you on CTI tomorrow.

Don't be a hoe.

Show the shop.